NME S1E1 (June 9, 2008)

Hello.

Testing.

This is a special transmission.

A special one-off show with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello there.

And the little bald mank twat that is the shaven monkey known as Carl Pilkington.

Now Rick, I've just a quick question, because if people have just stumbled across this perhaps on the uh internet or on their uh T V channel, they're probably gonna be a little bit alarmed by what you've said there.

You've come straight in with little bold man twi, and a lot of people don't know who that little bold man twat is, so maybe you should clarify.

Well,

I'm Ricky Gervais, you probably know me from such shows as The Office and Extras, Cameos in the Odd Film.

My long-term partner, not in that way, Stephen Merchant.

Not in that way.

Stephen Merchant, yes, I was involved with some of those projects, but I've not been in a film.

And

we met Carl when we went back to XFM as conquering heroes.

We were let go when XFM changed hands.

And then we did the office, and then we came back, and we were big shots.

No longer did we need to run the desk or press any buttons.

So we were assigned,

how can I put this?

Like a stupid lackey.

Yes, yes.

Proper...

I mean, probably the person who was lowest on the rung.

I'd have thought so.

They said, oh, give it to him.

No one wants to work Saturdays.

Caretaker didn't work Saturdays.

So they gave us Carl.

And we met Carl, and I was first struck by the roundness of his head, I'll be honest.

I thought, this is a bald man,

a little round-headed, bald freak of a man.

He opened his mouth, he spoke funny.

Actually, he spoke without opening his mouth.

That was the second thing that struck me.

He just had this slat-jawed gimpness about him.

Words came out.

I think they got the idea now, anyway.

Do you feel that that was a balanced explanation of your meeting with us?

Or would you like to offer any extra detail there, Carl?

Well, with every meeting, there's a different story, isn't it?

The way you sort of looked at me and thought, he's weird.

I saw Steve.

It was like a triangle.

Ricky was looking at me, I was looking at you, thinking that's weird.

It seems

quite unjust that I'm the one.

You know, why aren't you having a go at Ricky for being fat?

Just because...

No, I'm just saying on the first meeting, it's like a museum, isn't it?

Everybody rushes to the weird stuff first.

I love the fact that you're putting yourself firmly in that category as well, though.

Oh, I love that.

That's got like someone from Reservoir Dogs.

Everyone looking at someone else.

But you don't feel that way about me anymore.

No, I've got used to it.

No.

That's what I'm saying.

So I'm saying

that whatever your accusations of weirdness were, they all were unfounded.

It moves on, doesn't it?

It's like anything, you get used to a look, don't you?

I watch a lot of programmes on stuff that people have up with them and and you only watch programmes about people that have got something wrong with them.

That is what you do.

If if ever you say did you see that thing last night?

It's gonna be something like the the the the kid who was born with too many legs or the the the baby with an ass for a head.

It's always gonna be stuff like that.

It's like there was a programme on a bit back about a fella who had a had a funny head and what have you and he lived in a small village and nobody double-taped anymore because you get used to it, don't you?

What was up with his head?

Just had like a, it was sort of like the new elephant man.

He'd sort of gone for that look.

He'd gone for that look.

Well, what does he do in the morning?

Just eat a bun, sort of shave.

It's just, that's what all I'm saying is: people in his village, you want a big village, people were used to it, and they no longer stared.

And that's what I'm saying with you.

But it's interesting that because you say you've automatised to my so-called weirdness.

I don't know what weirdness that is.

I've still not grasped that.

But Ricky continues.

You say he's listings, man.

Why are are you listening?

I've not had a go at you in your stupid fing round head like a fing orange.

Which is the thing which perpetually entertains Ricky.

Ricky is never an acclimatized to you.

Is that fair, Rick?

Yeah, I love it.

I just, I can't get enough of him.

Because I see different things.

Every time I look at Carl, sometimes I see like a completely sort of like spherical object.

Right, like a,

honestly, like some sort of pumpkin.

I'm, you know, a Halloween.

And then I see him, I see flat straight.

With a pumpkin, Rick.

With a jack-o-lantern outside someone's house right there is a certain light behind the eyes

not with Carl and then sometimes it looks like a plate do you know what I mean like you know like a clay plate that a child has made when they've they've made a face on the plate using their their food or a biscuit like one of those biscuits you know novelty biscuits you can buy

ice with a little smile into my yeah um but that's not that's not the um I think that's not the biggest thing.

Carl isn't his physicality, isn't it the roundness of his head?

It isn't the gimpness of his slat-jawed face.

It's not even his hairy body and sort of like chimp-like gait.

It is.

Although those are all key features.

These are all key features.

But it's his incredible mind.

And I think maybe over the next two hours or so, if you haven't heard of Carl,

then I think you're in retreat.

If you have heard of Carl, then you're already being treated, I think,

by the fact that he is present on this special broadcast.

Rick, can I suggest that we take a pause there, play some music, come back and we'll talk some more.

Oh, this isn't just about Carl.

We're playing some great tunes.

Arctic Monkeys, Fluorescent Adolescent, talking of monkeys, we're here with Carl Pilkington.

I say we, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Stephen Merchant.

Hello.

Doing a special

one-off broadcast.

Now,

it's special in the sense that

I don't know why it's special.

I started that sentence.

I had no

backup.

It's not particularly special.

We've done this thousands of times.

Well, it's special in the sense...

You got the old team back together.

Exactly.

It's special in the sense that it is a one-off.

That's why it's a special one-off.

It's special in the sense that it is a one-off.

I know it's special for me because I'm giving up

about three or four hours of my time for no money and no personal gain.

Well, it's a special treatment.

You say that.

Now, Sammy Jacob, right, is the guy that founded XFM and gave me and Steve our break in entertainment or

whatever, comedy.

I remember also on the second day, he said, when are YouTube

is going to do some work before I fire?

Yes.

Which was...

I vowed that no one would ever say that again.

So he called me out of the blue and said,

you know, we're launching enemy radio.

That's a good project.

You know, I'm a fan of the genre.

Right, will you do a special show?

Right, I called, I called Steve.

Steve went,

I called Carl, and he went, definitely not.

Um, and so I had to persuade these two miserable bastards to do this show.

Carl, why didn't you want to do this as a favor?

I said to Carl, let's do it, let's do one.

There's two reasons I want to do this.

One, we'd stop the podcast.

Carl, we charge for the podcast because you'd left work, and you know, we did very, very well with that.

And I thought, I want to give some of it back to the fans, okay?

That's one thing, okay, right.

Two, I want to do Sammy a favour.

Why not?

Okay.

Well, then, that's fair.

That's your

opinion.

Yeah, but but but but you yes but what you can't do when you're doing someone a favor you can't go yeah Steve and Carl will feel the same about it.

Yeah, of course I'll do it Sammy.

Well Carl will do you a favour the man you've never met and you've never done a favour for yourself.

Of course he'll do it.

Well hold on.

Steve didn't want to do it either.

He was busy.

He works on six music so he was worried about that.

He shouldn't really be doing it.

He shouldn't really be doing this.

And I'll tell you this, if you do love great new music and lively chat, then Six Music Sunday afternoons is a great place to be with the Steve Merchant Show.

I agree.

There's enough for everyone to go round.

Enjoy that.

Enjoy this.

But Steve, does it a favour to me?

I said, Steve,

all right, mate.

You've done me enough favours.

Yes, I will.

Okay.

You didn't fall for that.

I said, as a favour to me.

No, he didn't.

I even started an internet campaign to put in the poster up saying, Carl, do some work, you little lazy bastard.

After a month, he was begging me to stop it.

Oh, he was begging you.

It was just a bit stupid.

You were really annoyed.

What I like, though, it's interesting because you are

a busy man, Rick, and you're, I know you've been heavily involved with lots of projects.

How you found time because you don't like writing and doing any form of administration at any time.

How you found time to write a daily blog is quite remarkable.

Well, I mean, it was irritating.

It was, uh, it captured the imagination of um, you know, people all over the world.

I wanted him to do this podcast, um, and here we are.

What changed your mind, Carl?

Um, well, you kept going on about it, yeah, and then I thought you saw friendship.

friendship was an important thing?

Um yeah a little bit of that.

Now I've got I've got uh I've got to tell Steve something on air that Steve doesn't know about.

Me and Steve are doing this for free as a favour.

I'm doing it as a favour to Sammy.

Steve's it as a favour for me.

That's what friends are for.

Carl was negotiating himself some money.

Yeah, well this does.

Who the hell have you negotiated money from?

With Sammy, I didn't know him.

I owe this man nothing.

I'm not doing anything for free.

I've got bills to pay.

We've all got bills to pay.

You've got other work that brings you money in.

Let me just stop because...

I'm sick of it.

Wait, though, because this is interesting.

Because as you say, Rick, you're doing this as a favour to Sammy.

You gave you your big break.

Now, Rick, you gave me my big break.

Right?

I didn't know Sammy.

Ricky gave me a break.

I'm doing this as a favour to Ricky.

Who the hell in Karl Pilkinson?

Oh, who?

Oh!

Oh, that's.

There's one man in this room who wouldn't even have an agent.

Wouldn't even have a need for an agent if it weren't for Mr.

Ricky Gervaise.

But hang on a minute.

It's not me.

No, just fine.

I'm already thanking you, Rick.

Nice one for me.

This free show.

So I am.

You miserable, ungrateful little mank twat.

Yeah, it's Rick.

I hope you feel really bad.

bad.

I don't feel bad.

Me and Steve are doing it out of the kindness of my heart.

Yeah, free.

You're money grabbing again.

They're also over the internet how mean he is.

I'm not mean.

You are mean, Carl, because you know, we did those paid podcasts, and all I wanted to do was some free ones.

You wouldn't do it.

Because we've done it now.

I'm just saying you've got to get to a point when you go, I enjoyed that.

Yeah, the podcasts were alright.

Cut them off.

You don't keep the story going.

With the Bible, they didn't go, let's do another volume.

People seem to like this story.

Yes, they did.

What?

The New Testament.

The Old Testament was a massive story.

They did it once then.

They did like a special for the fans.

But all I'm saying is.

One sequel.

It's one sequel.

But they didn't keep going on.

And we did three lots of the podcast.

It's more than enough for anyone.

But I just wanted to give the people on the internet something back.

Yeah, well, we've given them enough.

Sick of the people on the internet.

Oh, he's moaning.

What?

Who are most?

Who do?

People do.

Sick of it.

I mean, Graham.

They said I'm not even real.

They said he's an actor.

He's called Graham.

That annoyed me.

That's the thing that annoyed me the most.

Graham.

Of all the names.

It's just that if I don't, if I'm not me, what am I?

That's the thing that annoys me most.

If you're not me, what am I?

Well, it would annoy me if someone's accusing me of somewhere.

I mean, that's the thing.

No, it annoyed you because they were stating a falsehood.

Yeah, that's what annoys me.

That's what did me adding.

Let's play a record and we're back with great

Carl

after this.

Richard Ashcroft, check check the meaning.

He's from your neck of the woods, isn't he?

Wiggin.

Yeah, we were just discussing the fact how miserable and mean Carl is.

He won't do anyone a favour.

Do you take me?

Do you have favours?

I shifted your telly.

Oh, hold on.

He shifted my telly.

I gave him a television.

I gave him a bed.

He went, I shifted your bed.

No, I gave you a bed.

That's how he couches things.

I cashed that bloody check you wrote to me.

Unbelievable.

Who's the last person you did a favour for where you weren't expecting something in return?

I'm always treating people.

I've told you, if I have a good day, at the end of it, I'll go, Do you know what?

I'll treat them.

It might who?

It might be a homeless fella, it might be some charity.

I'm sick, honestly.

The amount of money I give away is a case.

It might be a girlfriend who got a lovely new camera for Christmas, still wrapped up from when it was given to you as a leaving present.

So, all this stuff about you're doing so much for charity.

You honestly tell me, you think you're walking along, you're wishing, oh, I've had a great day, me.

Hey, you never have a great day.

No,

I've never seen you have a great day.

It doesn't matter what it's unbelievable.

You're whinging all the time, Miserable.

Nothing impresses you.

Nothing at all.

The best I've ever heard you was.

I was all right on that.

Well, tell us about the last time you had a great day.

What was the last great day you had where you thought, oh, I must end this by giving some money to a homeless fella?

I mean, yeah, I don't have a great day.

But what I mean is, a day when I go, do you know what?

I'm quite content.

That's amazing.

That's a long way from a good day.

That is the equivalent of him skipping a line.

Every night before I nod off, I lie there and I what sort of a day have I had?

And I'll go through it and I'll go, yeah, that was all right.

How boring is that?

No, it's good.

You've got to do that.

Otherwise, what was the point of the day?

If you're never going to look back on it and go, what have I done?

Yeah, that was alright.

What's the point of it happening?

But how often do you go, wow, I've really achieved a lot today?

Because I remember one day, you just, one day at random, you told us, you'd been to the cobblers and back.

I didn't even know cobblers still existed.

Yeah, that was a 24-hour period we were talking about there.

You kept a diary.

It mainly consisted of Addah Chip Butty in a cafe with Suzanne.

And then you talk about an old woman you saw.

No, that was your dad.

I've made it a thing that I do now that I like to learn something every day.

What have you learned today?

Well, I haven't done anything yet.

Brilliant.

But what I'm saying is that

I'm not a good person.

You're not a generous man.

You're a mean badge.

You don't repay me.

And that's coming from Steve Merchant.

I'm just saying, as long as I always think if you've learnt something,

then the day's not been wasted.

What have you learned yesterday, Mr.

Speaker?

What have you learned yesterday?

It was the...

What's it?

It's something you told me about the

monkey arm?

Right, yeah.

There's a

scientists

have done the first brain robot interface.

They've put like a hundred electrodes on the part of the cortex that is

for

your motor system, and they put it on a monkey's brain.

And through the power of thought, he learned how to use a robot arm.

So just by thought, just like you do your own arm,

you know, and it was, it took him a few days, not years, in a few days, this monkey was making this robot arm pick up grapes and put it in his own mouth through the power of thought.

Right?

Carl went, did he have his own arms?

I went, yeah, he went with these lazy then.

Don't you think it's a bit wasted on a chimp?

One, what's it doing?

All they ever do is eat or chuck shit about.

So, why give them a decent new robotic arm?

Well, who are you going to give it to?

I just mean give it to something that is going to get more use out of it.

What, a giraffe?

No, something more.

If they could link that up to a worm, I'd go, that's good.

Well, how can a worm think to use a robot arm?

Listen to me.

They can't think.

Hang on, I'd like to know.

I'd like to know how this time.

How do you know?

How do you know?

What I'm saying is a worm's never had an arm.

You're a maniac.

Think what you're saying.

You wish a worm had an arm for a day.

No, all I'm saying is, if we're going to faff about here and get animals giving them extra arms, don't.

They weren't giving a monkey an extra arm.

They were testing this theory that they could make the first computer brain interface.

The thought went from the brain through a computer and made this arm work.

That's incredible.

The upshots are that you could you can really have bionic arms.

You could have um amputees having perfectly working dexterous limbs.

And your response to that is

give it to a worm.

I'd just say I'd I'd be more I'd sort of be fascinated about seeing it more if they said look at what the worms wants to do with an arm if it had one.

I honestly can't

work.

I think we should give it to you and see what you do with the arm.

What?

I'll tell you what.

How could a worm have an arm, Carl?

It wouldn't have an arm.

The monkey didn't have an arm.

It was a robot arm that they'd set on.

Let me explain it like this.

I wish they'd have picked somebody else.

Maybe not a worm, but they always seem to do the tests on the wrong animals.

No, they do it on the closest thing to the human being.

They can.

I'll tell you what I read.

You know, I say I like to learn something every

and what have you.

A few weeks ago, it was about our worm, they've given it anti-aging cream, right?

When have you ever seen an old worm?

How do we know if it's any good?

I could not tell you the age of a worm, I've seen loads of them.

Give it a tortoise,

play a record,

Bob Dylan, positively 4th Street.

I actually, Rick, was in Vietnam a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, yeah.

And I know you, I don't know if this was thanks to your campaign, but I did pass somewhere.

It was admittedly a European person.

But as I passed, they went, Oi oi, Karl Pilkerson has got a head like a fing orange.

That's amazing.

Which is lovely to see.

And that's had it all the way around the world.

That's in Vietnam.

What were you doing in Vietnam?

You know, just

heard there was a war.

Went over to see if that was wrapped wrapped up.

They finished that a while ago.

So you've been to Vietnam.

You went to

Cambodia at the time.

Cuba, yeah, Cambodia, Kenya.

I was wondering, would you ever consider going to a holiday destination where you didn't have to have injections in the stomach to get in?

Well, you know what?

I am an adventurer by spirit.

I'm a sort of Indiana Jones figure.

And

plus, someone was paying for it.

We did it, pardon me, we did it in high-class luxury.

There was no slum in it.

I felt a bit bad because I was worried that I wouldn't see the real Vietnam.

But I did.

I did see the real Vietnam from the air-conditioned 4x4 that I was being driven to my five-star hotel.

And what's it like?

It's great.

It's really good.

I mean, obviously, you know, the war was a long time ago, so they got

back on their uppers.

I don't know what I mean by that.

If you're on your uppers, isn't it?

Yeah.

Back on.

Anyway, it's doing well.

A lot of nice people, a lot of generous people.

You know, obviously there's poverty.

There's a couple of things over there I think which would really intrigue you, Carl.

And I think think it's a great shame that you're not more adventurous as a traveller because I think it would really open your eyes.

You're having a laugh.

He has about nine olives a year.

He goes to the same place, doesn't he?

Some rock in the Mediterranean.

Yeah, it's safe.

I know Vietnam.

There's nothing there.

I know, but I don't sort of.

What I've seen in Vietnam, I had a mate who went to somewhere like that.

He showed me a picture.

I had a picture of him walking around with a bag of locust

that he'd been sold.

And that's to eat.

Well, I did actually utter the phrase at one point.

Oh, I think that gecko's repeating on me.

That's what I mean.

So, I mean, I am quite exotic.

I don't mind.

I tell you what I didn't do, though, and I think I would be fascinated to have seen you down there.

There's a place in Vietnam, just outside of Hanoi, called Snake Village, right?

And it is a long, long tradition in Vietnamese culture of eating snakes.

In fact, one of the tourists even said, one of the guides actually said, we will eat anything.

And they eat snakes over there.

And I'm not just talking about tiny little ones.

I mean proper, great big mammoth snakes.

Sometimes even king cobras, which I think may even be endangered in some parts of the world.

And anyway, in Snake Village, you go over there.

I didn't go because I was just a bit too squeamish.

You sit down, they bring a great big snake.

You choose it like you would a lobster.

They bring you that snake.

They sort of

give it a bit of a demonstration.

Then they slit it open in front of you.

That's disgusting.

The blood dribbles into a cup.

And then, if you're the guest of honor, they take the still beating heart and they make you drink it from a glass.

Yeah, you see.

That's disgusting.

I've never fancied that.

No.

I've never sort of thought, you know what?

I just think it's not holiday that.

It's like endurance.

Well,

I don't.

I'm not suggesting that you would enjoy that.

I'm saying that there are many of these interesting, you know, exotic worlds out there.

Do you just stay coseted in your tiny little world and whinge about everyone else?

Oh, and this and that.

You've got no real empathy.

I mean, I went to some extraordinary places in Vietnam.

There's quite a lot of floating villages.

Villages that are actually floating on the water where the fishermen are.

But he's had trouble with his boy there.

There was a big leak in your flat, wasn't there?

But that's fine, looking at stuff like that.

All I'm saying is, when it comes to the point when I'm getting hungry, don't be serving me a snake's head.

I'd love to see a little floating village.

But why is it every restaurant you go in, they go, you know, do you want some crispy ant?

Sea urchins?

You know, some mate had one of them, and he says, it's sort of alive when you're eating it.

You have to hit it on the head to knock it out a bit and eat it before it wakes up again.

I don't want a meal where you're sort of having to do that to it.

You're not going to enjoy it thinking, is it waking up yet?

I haven't finished my starter.

Oh, it's rolling about a bit.

Hit it on the head again.

But this shows your ignorance, Carl, because Vietnamese food is not like that at all, is it?

I'm just talking about one particular exotic restaurant.

What was your last holiday?

It was a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it?

Uh, yeah, it was a cheap one though.

Go on, was it?

It was only 250 quid.

Yeah, brilliant.

Go on.

Uh, just a place in Mika.

You don't want to waste money, do you?

Menorca.

It's just a.

You've been there before, haven't you?

No, I don't think I have.

Basically, you've been to the same places over there.

Yeah, there's not.

I mean, I'll, yeah.

You're right.

I mean, there was nothing there to see.

It was, it was just, even the weather wasn't that good.

So it was a wonderful time.

No wonder it was slow in front of the club.

I don't know why it went.

But it's an experience.

So you and Suzanne went away for an idyllic holiday.

It was £250 all in for a week, was it?

Weather wasn't very good.

There was nothing to see.

It was a shitoff.

Right, what did you do?

I just sat outside and I was watching.

In the ring.

You didn't even need to hire a villain then.

You could have just like

mixed up.

We had our own space, and for the first day it was alright.

And then, like, then a family moved in next door from Scotland.

and they were loud.

And I hate it when people are loud and you can't understand what they're saying because their accents was really strong.

So, it's like, no, I can't even sit here and listen to what's going on.

It's like really strong accent.

Brilliant.

The kid was only young, but he sounded old.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't know what that means.

No, I've no idea.

Just the Scottish voice, it sounds old.

Even though he was a baby, he had a voice of an old man.

I don't know what about it.

This is what I'm saying.

You don't go anywhere where you can embrace the change and the difference.

You go to places where just some annoying people come and you move in next door.

I mean,

it depends how much you want out of life, how much, you know, what, yeah, like I've said to you, life's about learning.

What do you want to learn?

I'm just saying that that's what life's about.

If you don't learn anything, then what's the point?

You might as well be a Mayfly.

Right.

We've got all these years on the planet.

Yeah.

See something.

Hold on.

This is what Steve's saying.

I know.

But I'm saying, watch it on the telly.

There we are.

There's the rod.

Rilo Kiley, Portions for Foxes.

If you love good music, by the way, you should tune into six music on Sunday afternoons, the Steve Show.

Well, at the moment, you're listening to Enemy Radio.

You can listen to that on enemyradio.com or on your telly, on the internet, everywhere around the world.

Enemy, probably

along with Rolling Stone, one of the most famous, most respected

music.

Well, yeah, but

you can carry on reading Rolling Stone magazine after you're about 16 years of age.

Have you read The Enemy?

Not for a while.

The letters pages.

People complaining about the haircut of the bloke from the Kaiser Chiefs.

It's not a pressing concern.

Move on.

That's a problem, isn't it?

That's me with music.

I like to sing along to a track.

I doubt that.

I do.

Go on.

No, I sort of hum.

Go on then.

What's the last track you hummed along to?

Hummed along to.

What's your shower song?

People supposedly have a shower song.

They sing in the shower.

What's yours?

Oh, with my boiler being broke.

It's got to be a short one.

How's that going?

People won't believe you.

See, that's the other thing that people think, you know, I've been moaning about the boiler since, what, about 2006?

Yeah.

I've had it fixed loads of times.

Still the fault.

Every summer, it's come around again, you know, the hot weather.

it's not working get a new boiler i can't get a new one people keep saying get a new one i can't get a new one because one will fit one in the cupboard that it's in what you can't find a single boiler in the world no what what they said was british gas said they can't touch it because it's dangerous that's good i got in a dodgy fella to try and sort it and he said oh i don't want to tap that one it seems too dangerous he said have you got an alarm in here

he said it lets out gases make sure you have a thing because this is old boiler i'm not messing with it so immediately you went out and got that scene too

no i've got an alarm now.

Have you?

What?

You're genuinely telling me there is no one anywhere who can take this boiler out.

What they've got to do, they've just got to blow up the house.

Have they?

What they said was they said we can put one in your lounge for you.

Because they said you've got to knock a wall down, all this.

It's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

You've got to knock a wall down.

They said, knock a wall down to put up a new boiler.

And I don't want to start knocking walls down just for the sake of hot water.

It's not worth it.

Put the kettle on.

I can't be bothered.

So, yeah, it is still ongoing.

You ain't got washes it, isn't it?

That's true.

So, uh, so yeah, I don't, so I don't really have a shower song,

But

yeah, music's alright.

I just don't want to know everything about it.

Music's alright.

No, it's good.

It's one of the seven wonders of the world.

I know it is, yeah, it's good.

It's beyond.

I can't describe.

I couldn't try to describe how amazing music is.

I don't know.

It's not the shit we've been playing.

No, I'm just.

But I mean,

I'm just saying.

Vaughan Williams and Beethoven.

The music affects the brain in extraordinary ways.

People with, you know, sleeping sickness, who are otherwise almost in a vegetative state, hear music, they can suddenly

can come awake they can sometimes even dance you know i was watching a documentation the other night about people with you know um tourette syndrome where it affects you know the body and different spasms but you know they have spasms and twitches but when they're drumming all that all those spasms and twitches go away other people who've got the iq of children and yet they can play classical pieces they can improvise in an extraordinary jazz way it does it's a remarkable thing it works out

it does yeah there's an elvis song that my hairs always go up on my back every time i hear it i don't know why every time i hear it well i know why because it's not in your head but you've worked in music you've worked around music for years and not once has it improved your iq no i like i like do you know the biggest problem steer i don't want to moan um you do you can't get away from noise these days and and that's the problem i think that's music's almost got too important now people can't think and and that's that's the problem with music there's always noise you can't get away from it and i can't concentrate if there's any sort of noise i can't concentrate my brain's going what's the noise and my ears are going i don't know go and have a look i love the fact that that your brain's talking to your ears.

It's all connected.

The only ears, I genuinely think that conversation is going on because I think the ears are slightly cleverer than his brain.

They all kick in, don't they?

I'm sat there, my brain's working.

Go on.

I might be writing something.

I might be doing that book.

I'm thinking, my brain's going, right, yeah, it's working.

And then a noise happens outside.

My ears go, what's that?

My eyes go, well, I'll have a look.

Brain goes, yeah, go on then.

Suddenly, they're not even thinking about the book.

They!

All of a sudden.

They!

No, it's you!

No, but there's no conversation between ears and eyes.

He's read the numbskulls.

Do you remember that?

As a kid, lots of little people inside a person's brain making it work.

In his head, American.

Yeah, turning a wheel.

How do you know which one's in charge?

Because my brain was quite happy doing that book, but my ears got bored.

Make a note about someone, if you're listening, make a note of that.

My brain was quite happy working on the book, but my ears got bored.

No, the way I see it is your brain is like the adult.

The what?

The adult.

I thought he said adult.

And your ears and your eyes are like the kids, and they get bored quicker.

And the brain's quite happy.

This doesn't work at all as a metaphor on any level.

Biologically, philosophically.

It does.

No, it doesn't.

It doesn't work at all.

It does because your brain does the thinking.

Now, if I have earplugs in,

my brain can think better without the ears.

Yes, because there's nothing to put it off.

It's concentrating.

That's a distraction.

Yeah, so that's what I'm saying.

Your ears are just receptacles.

Here it is.

Yes.

So if your ears can't do their job, it's like a well-behaved kid.

It sits there.

It's quite happy.

It's not interested in what's going on around it.

Take the earplugs out, they go mental.

What's that noise?

What noise?

Go and have a look.

Eyes, go and have a look.

I don't know what you're talking about.

This is the ramblings of a maniac.

Can you tell your brain to tell your mouth to talk some sense?

Well, which order would you say it works in?

Well, it's all working at the same time, isn't it?

No, but your brain's at the beginning.

If it was a circuit, your brain's at the beginning.

Yeah, no, necessarily, so no not with hearing something your ears come first but they're they're passive your ears are merely um receptacles for sound right they're a conduit to the brain so hearing is only thought hearing isn't the airwaves hitting your ear you can't block it out

no what i'm saying is that's a passive thing

your fingers when it touches something it's your brain

that develops that information.

Your fingers aren't going, oh, I recognise that, it's a piece of cheese.

It just touches it, and your brain recognizes it.

It's all done in the brain.

Hmm.

No, not convinced.

I'm just that information is still being worked on by the brain.

All I can do is tell you the way I work.

And I know if I'm sat in a quiet place

with nothing around you.

No, you can't tell me the way your brain works.

My ears get bored.

That makes no sense at all.

I'm telling you, if I'm in a quiet place, my brain is happier.

It can focus on what it's doing.

The ears almost go, there's now to hear here, call it a day.

The eyes are going, well, there's now to sit outside.

Just chill out.

Whereas if there's a noise outside, if it's a noisy street, everything's kicking in.

My brain's getting annoyed.

My ears are going, what's that racket?

My eyes are thinking, oh, what was that scream?

What's happened?

What's your nose doing?

Why is your eyes thinking, what's the scream?

What?

Why are your eyes getting concerned with noise?

Who wants to see what the ears have heard?

Cure lullaby on anime radio with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, hello, and Carl Pilkinton.

Now,

straight after your holiday, you uh you got home and then came out to visit me in in Boston on the on the set of my uh film I was doing.

How was that?

Well, I didn't want to do it, did I?

You called up and said, Do you ought to come out and do a favour for me?

Ricky said, Can you do a favor for me?

You thought no.

Well, no, I didn't just go no.

I sort of said, What is it?

And he said, Oh, you can just have a part.

And he's like, What's the point, though?

I'm not an actor.

I can't act.

What's the point?

It's not the way to go.

So, anyway, he said, All right, don't bother.

Then a week later, calls back and he says, Bring Suzanne with you if you want.

Oh, holiday.

So, I thought, yeah, I could treat Suzanne to that.

I thought a little part, a little part for him.

They'd probably pay two flights, you know, she's coming out.

So I thought, I thought, share it with friends.

I'm a generous guy.

Yeah, so I thought, oh, she'll love that.

That'll get me in a good book.

So I said, listen, we're going to Boston.

She goes, right.

Anyway, Ricky books the tickets and that.

She can't get time off because we've just been in Minorca.

So they said, hang on, you've just had a week off.

You can't go anywhere.

So I had to go on my own.

Right?

Which, you know, fair enough.

I'd said I'd go by that point.

It all been booked.

The costume that I needed for the film bit had been made.

I couldn't get out of it.

I was in too deep.

Anyway, go there.

Boston isn't worth seeing.

I mean, you're talking about travelling the world and, you know, opening your eyes and seeing new things.

There's nothing to see in Boston.

It's Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks.

Because there's nothing else, is there?

I'm not being unfair there.

I mean, it looks nice.

There's nice buildings.

You mean there's not a Museum of the Weird?

They had something to do with the tea bags, didn't they?

I told you.

No, it's the Boston Tea Party.

It was nothing to do with tea bags.

It was the Boston Tea Party.

They're one of the founding events of America.

It wasn't somewhat to do with tea bags.

It wasn't chimps.

There was no chimps involved in the Boston Tea Party.

For me, I went out for a walk on two of the days when I wasn't on work.

Yeah, oh yeah, only worked for one day.

Got three days,

four days in a hotel,

all paid for, one day's work.

I mean, it really is, it really is ungrateful.

So, anyway, um, Steve, I dressed up as a caveman

in some old animal stuff, which you thought, well, this was for the film, was it?

This wasn't just your natural, yeah, yeah.

So, can I just say, I, it was not real fur.

I insisted there was no real fur.

Well, you say that, yeah, I get back, right, I'm run down because I didn't sleep when I was out there.

I'm not very good.

If Suzanne's not in the bed, there's something, it's like a feeling.

Well, she's got to be there to tell you to sleep.

Just right in the car, just now, and our ears.

Listen to my words.

Sleep now, ears.

So anyway, so I wasn't sleeping.

So I was there for four days or whatever.

I must have had about one day, one real day's work filming, and he was shattered.

He was absolutely shattered.

He was weak.

He was ill for a week afterwards.

I did for like 35 days.

So, yeah, but you were sleeping.

If you don't sleep, it's basic, basic sort of biology.

If you don't sleep, you get run down.

Slothes never get a flu because it's good and that's when when your body's replemishing.

Replenishing, what is it then?

I'm gonna burst.

Slothes never slothes never get flu because that's when your body's replemishing.

So, the thing is, I'm bound to get ill.

You know what it's like.

You're always like got a cold and that I'm always dissing you, everything else.

because you're a bit of a sickly child so you've done the story oh geez i'm only gonna go at the lungs and then because i'm trying to get him on my side so anyway so uh so i'm shattered i get back so i think it's a bit weird that this isn't shaking off and there was some news report about how there's some serious illnesses in planes because stuff goes out the engine and into the oh yeah it's people from all over the world with all different things and frequency so i'm thinking oh what have i got you know it's my luck in it so uh i go to the doctors

doctor said, Well, you've done a whole day's work, you're not used to that, your body's shut down.

So, it's a great holiday, yeah.

You need you need this is when your body needs replemishing.

And I am, I am a doctor, and I know replenishment is one of the best

replemisation.

Replementation is one of the best things that slows.

So, I said, I said to him, I said, Look, I'm not one to moan.

I hardly go to see him.

He went, Are you?

I hardly see him.

I hardly see this fella.

So, I said, Look, look, I can't shake this cold off.

Um, I woke up the other night shaking,

and he said, Oh, virus.

Right?

So, which isn't scary at all because everything, you know, well, there's some dodgy virus, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but there's some that's what I'm saying.

So,

of course, it's a virus.

What else would it be?

I don't know.

Not a doctor.

So, I said, Oh, when's it going to go?

And he said, Oh, might be two weeks.

This one seems like a bad one.

Quite clammy, he said.

So, um,

so I said, Yeah, I feel a bit clammy, yeah.

And he said, Yeah, well, you will do.

So, um, so, anyway, so I felt happy about that, and I'm more confident with the doctor because, you know, you've got your vest off and all that.

So, you think, why not just let him do a bit of a body check?

So, I said, Doctor, whilst I'm here, I think I've got some eczema on my leg.

And he goes, let's have a look.

And I said, there it is there.

And he said, that's not eczema.

So

you've got to touch a ringworm.

Right?

So, straight away, anything with a worm in it, you're going, you know what?

It makes it sound worse.

I was thinking like tape worm and stuff.

Yeah.

So he's going, yeah, ringworm.

And he saw me panic and he went, don't worry.

You pictured a worm with a giant mechanic line crawling out your body.

He could see by my face was a little bit like, I've got a worm in your leg.

He's going, don't worry, it's not a worm.

And I said, I have got that then.

And I reckon it's from this bear suit.

It wasn't, it was, it's a little bit weird that I had

bear boots on, and where the bear boot was, I ended up with ringworm on my leg.

Do you know why it's where it was?

Because the only bit of your leg showing, because you had bare boots on, fake fur, with a fake fur tunic, and the only bit showing was your shin.

You were walking around in long grass.

You got it from the grass.

Well, no, because I said to him, because I wanted to wear the words bear suit from him, I said, where?

What's the chances of that?

Yeah.

I said, where.

Doctor, what might I got this from?

And then you just shut up and wait for him to say something.

I said, it's a little bit weird, isn't it?

I said, I thought that died out with rickets, right?

Because I'd never heard a ringworm since I was a kid.

I remember some dirty kid had it at school, and my mum sort of said, don't go near him.

So I said, Ringworm, then, doctor.

Where have I got that from?

Thinking he'd say...

Have you been wearing a bear suit?

Yeah.

Anyway, he said, well,

he says gay people get it.

What?

No, he didn't.

He did.

Why did he say that to you?

Well, this is what he said.

He said, gay people.

I said, right, tick that off.

He said, wrestlers.

Why do wrestlers get it?

And I said, I don't understand the connection.

I said, I don't know, you know, any gays.

I don't know any wrestlers.

And he went, well, it's the body skin rubbing.

Well,

why do any gay people get it then?

Why don't heterosexual people get it?

Don't know.

Don't know.

Didn't quiz him.

But then he said, he said, what about...

Did a doctor really say to you, gay people get it?

He might have said, like,

homosexuals.

Does this doctor operate from a park bench somewhere?

Sorry, does he have a lot of carrier bags with him?

Why would his first thing

be ringworm?

Gay people get it.

So yeah, I said, not gay.

I said, I don't know any wrestlers.

That's a fact.

And then he said, have you stroked any bald pets?

Any bald pets?

Bald.

He said, have you stroked anything with air missing?

Bald.

It's just yourself.

And I said, I can't remember.

And I couldn't be bothered.

Sorry, were these all euphemisms?

Like,

wrestlers get it.

Wink, do they?

Yeah.

You stroked the little bald hairless thing?

No, doctor.

Okay, gay people get it.

Let's let's look.

Are you gay?

Are you gay?

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I want to stroke someone bald.

So I just didn't want to get into the bear suit thing because then he'd be thinking, what's he doing?

No,

you've got it.

So, what, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So, he had a list of reasons.

He's reading this off a list, was he?

No, he did it from his head.

He knew it already.

He didn't have to look at a form or anything.

He went ringworm.

He's obviously had a few people in there who have had it, and they've gone, ringworm, that's a bit weird.

Where have we got that from?

And he knew straight away.

So

he's had three people in there with ringworm.

One of them was a wrestler.

One of them had a shaved dog.

And one of them was a homosexualist.

Is this the same doctor who told me?

You said that my nerves were too short for me.

Yeah.

Different fella.

So yeah, ringworm I got from my time in Boston.

Well, that was a heck of a story.

I'm beginning to wonder if the reason Suzanne didn't go with you on that trip was not to do with work obligations.

Sorry, Pod, you've downloaded it, maybe.

It's a test transmission.

Yeah.

Oh, it is a test transmission.

Testing.

Yeah.

If

you're hearing this, then it's working.

Who are you?

I'm Ricky Devais.

Who are you?

Steve Merchant.

Who's that little bald-headed mank twat chimp over there?

It's me, isn't it?

Alright.

Yeah, well, we need your name, don't we?

Carl.

I'm telling you, I was talking to you earlier about going to Vietnam.

And I'm not a good...

I mean, although I like to travel, as you know, I like to go to exotic places.

This is going to come as a surprise to you, Rick.

But I do look very English when I'm abroad.

I obviously am 6'7.

I'm quite pasty and white.

And I find it very hard to blend in.

with, say, Vietnamese people.

Sure.

But this time I thought I'd embrace this.

And I've brought you something to show you.

It's not really going to be very helpful

on the enemy radio but I've I was starting I decided to wear a hat I thought I'd buy a hat

and wear a hat and I thought that I bought this last minute as I was just before I got on the play I was doing some shopping I thought I need to you know because you can you think it'd be something like from a Graham Greene novel right exactly they'd go um they call him the Englishman exactly he's the wisest and yeah exactly exactly so I thought I because you can kind of reinvent yourself when you're abroad in some way can you you know and um so this is the hat I got Christ

maybe you should look away for a second I'll put it on and then you you can...

Now, bear in mind, it is a bit battered because it's been in bags and stuff.

Sure.

Steve, what are you thinking?

Right.

No, it is a bit battered and damaged, I admit.

Okay, how can I...

Right.

It looks like a cross between someone Miss Marple would wear.

That's nonsense.

No, it does.

It looks a bit like that.

And there's a beer with a bloke drinking...

What's that called?

Muriet-E-Bear?

I think you're thinking of the Hofmeister bear.

No, I'm not.

It looks like Miss Marple's hat.

It doesn't look like Miss Marple's hat.

It's kind of moddy, isn't it?

It's not.

It's a tweed thing that comes down that an old lady would wear.

It was

a librarian lady would wear in the 1930s.

It's not.

I have never seen it.

You didn't really buy that, did you, to wear?

I did.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Right.

Can I take a picture of this and I'll put it on my website?

Right.

I am now taping this on a camcorder.

I will put this up on RickyJavaze.com.

I disagree.

I think this genuinely looks good.

I think it makes me look a bit like say Tom Waits

or

Farah Barlamo

the point is this right I'm wearing the hat I'm looking good okay

but people obviously they can sense that I'm a moneyed tourist they can see how good I look and they know I've got a little bit money in my pocket can afford to buy hats you know and everything so obviously I'm always a target for people trying to get money from me stuff like that which is always in you which is always a hassle innit and i find it very difficult tipping when I'm abroad.

I don't really understand what the rules are with tipping, and that's a big anxiety for me.

And also, I have problems with the conversion, you know, because obviously when you go abroad, so um, the Vietnamese dong

come on, there's nothing that there's nothing funny about that, that's just what it's called, right?

For sixty-three US dollars, you can get a million dong,

right?

That's a lot of dong.

So, um, I'm packing like

a huge dong.

I got I got like, you know, two million dong like in my money belt under my shirt.

Yeah, you took so get this image right.

You were wearing that hat and a bun bag.

Yes, but

I don't have a bun bag.

I have a money belt that I wear underneath the t-shirt.

Right.

So as not to see, you know, so people don't think I've got any money on me.

And if I get mugged, I just go, I haven't got any money on me.

Because they would never think to look underneath the shirt and see the money belt, right?

Well, that's still out of reach, innit?

Over there?

Yeah, and they are actually looking up your t-shirt.

Well, it's funny you should should say that, right?

Because I went to a market at one point just to look at the uh things that were for sale there.

There's lots of eels and lots of fish, lots of other interesting items, right?

So, I'm looking at the market, I'm taking some photos, and I notice this, they'll hear this kind of murmur, right, that's going around the market, and then I start to see them, all the people in the market, sort of pointing, right, and staring and talking at something, right?

So, I'm looking around, trying to figure out what it is, right?

And I realize they're looking and pointing at me.

I genuinely swear to God, right?

So, they start and then did they think one of the big eels had escaped?

Well, they started laughing oh no they started openly pointing and laughing one of them right

started like i think he was a postman he looked like he might be a vietnamese postman i don't know why that should make any difference but he started doing a sort of lumbering sort of frankenstein walk

and pointing at me right a load of a whole section of them just started cackling with laughter and then at one point a woman in one of those sort of vietnamese lampshade hats right she runs up behind me and she attaches to my back a sort of kick-me thing that you would have detached to someone some nerd at school's back, right?

She's actually put something like that on my back.

I don't realize initially, so they're just chortling.

They are weeping by now.

And I'm talking like the whole market is in hysterics.

And old ladies are coming up to me and just, you know, comparing their heights and then giggling.

And then I'm sort of trying to get this thing off my back.

So I look like a dog, you know, chasing his tail.

And

people, I just realized that this entire marketplace was just openly laughing at me.

And what angered me, Rick, was that I've spent a lot of time in this country, in the UK, right, building up a career right so that people don't laugh at me right they respect me they may see me as a man of great accomplishments and achievements yeah I go to another country where I

exactly remember those glasses with a little with a little money belt on maybe sandals sandals with socks because I got a foot infection

And it turns out that they're just laughing at me.

Just openly mocking and laughing at me, right?

So I just genuinely, I got upset and I got in a...

You threw down your Kagal, left your clogs behind and got on the first plane back.

I hopped in a ritual straight back to the hotel where they do not laugh at me openly.

But anyway, just to return to the dong issue, right, this is what worried me, was that obviously you got a tip.

So we had a driver for a few days, right?

And you've got to leave him a tip.

And I never feel a bit awkward when do you give him the tip and everything?

How does it work?

And so I didn't know how much it should be.

And I was thinking, well, you know, it's a poor country.

I've had a driver a couple of days, you know, I haven't paid for the driver.

So I give him like $20,

right?

Which is like 10 quid.

You know, I'm thinking, that seems like a good tip.

I get in there, I read in the guidebook.

I should have only given him $2.

I gave him $20.

But no, because A, you don't want to upset the precious equilibrium.

You don't want to upset the financial equilibrium because he might have gone berserk.

Yeah.

I mean, $20, that's $20 is a lot to him.

He might have left his family, you know, bought a different, you know, corrugated iron shack.

Somebody's turned up with a hat like yours and said, exactly.

We're mates now, aren't we?

We're mates now.

Let's go back to England.

Let's pick up some ladies.

So

I

was a bit worried.

So I was thinking of asking for the money, you you know, for some change, but I didn't think that was appropriate.

So but then I was worried because then I was thinking, what if all the other drivers within his organization find out that I've given him like $20?

They're all going to be expecting a big tip.

So that was a big worry.

But more than that, we'd also had a guide with us.

So he was bound to find out

how that is.

Now, I didn't have any dollars left.

And I thought, well, I've given that guy 20.

I've got to give the guide who's been talking English to us, showing us around, helping us out.

I've got to give him even more.

Right.

I ended up giving him a million dong.

And how much is that?

$63.

I tipped someone a million dong.

So he's a millionaire now.

Yeah,

I made someone a millionaire through my generosity.

Well, well, so did I.

He's sitting over there.

That's absolutely right.

He doesn't want to give anything back.

So I know how you feel, mate.

Old man, look at my life.

Neil Young, old man.

Carl.

Now you know traditionally at the zoo they have to dart a dangerous animal, a lion or

a gorilla or whatever.

They have to dart it.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

To

take blood samples and check its health and stuff.

So it's very stressful for the animal and quite dangerous to give it an anesthetic like that.

So what they've started doing now, there's a bug, right, like

a type of

beetle.

And it's a blood sucker.

It's a little vampire bug.

Okay, it's about three centimetres long.

What they do is they tie a piece of string around it.

They let it go into the cage on the chimp.

It sucks the chimp's blood without the chimp even knowing.

They pull it back

and they take the blood sample from it.

They've taught it to do that?

Well, they're not taught it to do anything.

That's its nature.

You put it near a warm-blooded mammal, it will suck its blood.

So they've just tied a string to it so they can get it back.

And how often does it have have to do that a day?

Well, I don't know.

I don't know.

Why are these the important questions?

Because

isn't that incredible that

they've got this amazing symbiote relationship with a bug?

Because that's the same one.

Say if there's eight chimps.

Oh, geez.

Carl, listen to me.

No, let him.

I want to.

I'm just saying, if there's eight chimps in there,

one beetle.

Yeah.

Buy about number five, that's going to be sick of eating.

Well, then they probably have different beetles.

And, Carl, I don't know why this is the it just I'll tell you why it annoys me.

a question.

The other concern is that beetle, it might be enjoying, you know, getting the blood and what have you.

What happens if one of them's got AIDS?

What, one of the one of the chimps?

That's where it came from.

So safety's awesome.

Well, then they know and they say, oh, this chimp's got AIDS, let's.

And what about the beetle?

What are you saying?

You're worried that the beetle will contract AIDS.

Well, I don't know if that's how it works.

But all I'm saying is, you get a dirty chimp in there.

It's got a a touch of that.

And

the beetle gets it.

And all I'm saying is, it seems a bit unfair.

Why are you worried about the beetle working hard?

It's eating what it's like.

This is the same as getting in foreigners to make cheap trainers to me.

They, you know, let the beetle do what it wants.

I mean, beetle, how long do they live?

I read the other day about some elephant beetle.

They get about four months.

Right.

What do you think of this, right?

This elephant beetle in the paper the other day.

Yeah.

About the size of a gerbil.

Right.

Massive.

Odd looking thing

the bigger the uglier it is

well you're looking at me no

in a way that is the way it works in it i think i think size size is a big deal innit in a way because this is interesting well we better we better we're better being smaller aren't we well it depends what do you mean well no if you're afloat in the atlantic ocean and it's four degrees centigrade it'd be better to be fat um i didn't really mean like that i just meant in terms of like steve i've mentioned he's taller than us He's always ill.

Well, that has nothing to do with his height.

I just think bigger people, it's like that Zhang Lung or whatever, the world's tallest man, he's always sneezing and that.

He's always got something up with him because he's not meant to be that big.

Small fellas, you never see a midget in a doctor's waiting room.

They never get ill, do they?

You never see one getting run over because they're too small, so you don't hit them.

So it's, I think, size, if you're too big.

You never see a midget in a doctor's waiting room.

Well, maybe they're there.

No, they're not.

They're not.

So what I'm saying to you is this beetle that's massive size of a gerbil yeah but it's still well a gerbil small what do you mean no this is a big one this beetle is massive it lives four months lives four months been found in a banana crate right right it's over here

they're upset for it because it's been in this banana crate for it could be like three months um and the whole purpose of the elephant beetle is to have it away that's all it wants in its life it's only got four months and it loves having it away with another beetle and it hasn't had it.

So they found it in this crate and it looked distraught.

They said it was showing all signs of like desperately wanting to have it away.

Well when you can wank yourself to death with six legs you leave anything alone for three months in a dark crate.

Just eating a load of bananas.

Yeah, eating bananas and whacking away.

Well anyway, six times at the same, exactly the same moment.

Its feet go, apparently.

I bet it does.

What do you mean its feet go?

That's a sign.

When they got it out,

they got the experts in.

They said, What is this?

We've got a beetle here the size of a gerbil.

They said, Well, come round.

They had a look.

I said, Well, how big's the gerbil?

That's just scientists' HQ.

There's a line you can throw.

Come round.

Right.

Right, you'll need a gerbil-sized box to bring that round in.

Come round.

Ring.

Hello.

Operator.

Can I have people in charge of giant gerbil beetles?

I'll put you through.

Hello, gerbil beetle people.

I think I've got one.

Come round.

Anyway, its feet were going.

What do you mean his feet were going?

Do you mean it was dancing like Lionel Blair or it had bunions?

I haven't seen one, but...

There's a surprise.

I just read that

they were saying, yeah, yeah, we know what's the problem here.

Look at its legs go.

And they go up and down a lot.

And it means that...

It wants like a partner.

It's dying for it.

And they were saying they only lived four months, and it looks about three and a half months old this one

the problem the problem is they haven't got any of these beetles here right so they've had to instead of uh flying it back out yeah they've gone over there to try and find one to bring it back because of the stress and that that it's had and it's older couldn't you put a gerbil in the beetle outfit hang on a minute i don't mean i don't mean a little wig holding a guitar but i don't know the full story in that i just know that they found this beetle it just sounds unlikely that people would be this concerned about one beetle and it's only got half a month left.

He's got two weeks left.

He's got to have some sex.

We have got to give this beetle some sex because god damn it it's a beetle.

What was found on a boat with some bananas?

It deserves sex before it dies.

I don't know why he cares more than a blood-sucking beetle than a chimpanzee.

I just can't believe people are flying right to Japan on the wall.

Why do you care so much about beetles all of a sudden?

Only because they were mentioned.

And I just thought, you know, whilst we're on the beetle tip, let's, you know, let's discuss them.

What do you mean his legs were going as well?

That's what they do.

That shows signs of like it needs, it needs a woman.

It's never had one before, which is weird.

That's what I was going to say.

It knew, even though it didn't.

And you're talking about my brain and my ears and all that.

There's an example of how the beetle's not in charge.

There's something else going on.

That's called instinct.

Yeah.

But that's true in a beetle, but it shouldn't be true in a human being.

But it is, though, innit?

Otherwise, how did the first baby survive?

How are we here now?

Because you look at babies and they spoilt rotten i'm sick of it the way they don't do anything for ages they wouldn't survive a kangaroo comes out it's hopping around in about two hours babies they sit there for months so there's a very good reason for that i've told you that it needs its mother if that was in a banana crate it would have given up after about a week what i'm saying

it would have died in a couple of days probably yeah whereas this beetle He didn't know the outcome.

He didn't know if he's ever going to see this partner.

Yet, even though he's been in this crate with bananas for three and and a half months, it still wants to have it away.

Now, if I was that, I'd be like, I'm not in the mood anyway.

Why do you keep and why do you equate yourself with the beetle?

This is what I don't understand.

No, I'm not.

I'm just saying how that's where nature's good, and I think the beetles are better than us in a way.

We have got our brain, we've got our creativity, we've got our cognition, we've got all those things.

That's that's that's our forte, that's where we kick in.

Thought, introspection, art.

I agree, I could not live in a crate full of bananas for two and a half.

I admit that.

I admit that if my mum had given birth to me and then dropped me immediately in a bin, I wouldn't have survived.

But I don't see your point.

I mean, I understand that Beatles can do that, and I can't.

But you know what?

The Beatles, they couldn't have written and directed the office.

So let's call it even.

Hey, all this talk of the Beatles, right, has suggested to me, let's have some more music.

Here's the Rolling Stones.

Oh, it doesn't work.

Well, that's about it.

This is the test transmission for the Enemy Radio.

I've enjoyed it.

I think Steve's had a blast.

He's got his hat on.

Yeah, I'm as happy as Larry, mate.

Just pleased that I've done it all for free.

Whereas Carl will be cashing a sweet, sweet check.

I know.

Looking after number one after all we've done for him.

See, I didn't even realize there was an opportunity to ask for money because I knew I understood it to be a favour, so it didn't even occur to me to get my agent.

Always ask.

Always ask.

No, because I'm doing it as a favour.

If you said to me, Can you come round and help me move house?

I would do it.

I would not presume you were going to pay me for it.

Debt of gratitude.

See, one day maybe I'll need the enemy.

One day I'll call up the enemy, just like you call up scientists and go, I've got a beetle the size of a gerbil.

They say, come round.

I might call them up and I go, oh, what are the drummers, what's the drummer from Dodgy doing?

They go, come round.

But where does that debt of gratitude stop then?

Because at what point do you say, well, I'll have some money, please?

When I get a bill from British Gas, what will I do then?

Will I just say redirect this to the enemy?

Because

a little debt of gratitude.

Sammy Jacobs, the fellow who runs NME Radio, send the bill to him, please, British Gas, because he'll sort me out.

No, he'll go, what are you talking about?

That's not my bill.

Sort it out yourself.

And that's what I'm saying.

The world moves on money.

I make money to pay the bills.

It's not for me.

Sometimes I never see it.

Doesn't even touch my hands.

It goes in the bank, out the other way.

Doesn't even stop.

There's always people taking money off me for this, that, and the other.

And I'm not moaning about that.

But all I'm saying is that's.

Well, I know this and that costs you money, but what are you paying for the other?

Business, innit?

Alan Sugar.

He'd say you're mad, you two.

He'd say you're stupid.

What you're working for for free?

What is this?

Charity?

Well, it isn't.

It'd sack you two.

He'd say, Carl, you're hired.

I would love to see you on The Apprentice.

What would Carl be like on The Apprentice?

No, that would be amazing.

That would be amazing.

Well, firstly, he's not a team player.

He's not a team player.

He's just just go out getting his own money and say and not share it with anyone so that's number one joking that's number one

two you wouldn't want to do it you'd say well why am i doing it for that i've got bills to pay

do what

was that whatever he asked you to do no it's it's a task innit and i wouldn't go on there well this is like a task well okay it is a task right now here they last night on the apprentice they were doing interviews oh don't tell me anything because i don't know who's in it i'm not i won't i won't i won't all i'll say is that one of the uh one of the interviewers says and it's an old interviewing trick when you're working in business, they say, I've got a lovely luxury pen here, right?

Here's a classic old Bitbyro, right?

Now, you've got to sell that to me now, right?

Sell it to me now.

How would you sell it to me, right?

So

this is a shop.

No, no, no, no.

No, it's a test, right, to see how well you can sell something, okay?

Doesn't matter what it is, in this instance, it's a cheap pen, right?

Sell it to me.

Tell me the virtues of that pen.

Have you come to me or have I come to you?

No, what do you mean?

You're selling me that.

It's a task.

You've got to show us how you would sell a pen to to us.

What's good about that?

Okay, tell me what's good about that pen.

Sell me the pen.

You're on my door, right?

You're selling it.

So I've knocked on your door.

You've knocked on my door, you're selling me a pen.

Hello, how are you today?

I'm not interested.

What are you doing?

Well, you don't know what I'm selling yet.

Okay, well,

don't get nasty.

I'm not getting nasty.

I'm just saying, do you like to write much?

Do you do much?

Yeah, just some writing.

Yeah,

yeah.

Interesting.

How do you do that?

Computer we're a processor, yeah.

Oh, thanks very much.

Goodbye.

No, no, but hang on a minute.

Just do you ever use a pen?

Sometimes I use pens, yeah, but I've got loads of pens.

thanks.

I've got a really nice pen here, beautiful, classic

it looks like an expensive fountain pen.

It's an expensive fountain pen, my grandfather gave it to me.

It's

quite a special pen.

I mean it is a lovely pen and everything, but the problem is when you go out and about, there's a danger that you could lose that.

That is very true, but I mean I don't really take pens because you know so.

Can I interest you into that?

It just looks like a cheap, tatty old pen, mate.

Sometimes you just want a pen that does the job, and this pen does that job.

Do you ought to buy some?

No, I don't.

Why not?

Well, because

I've just told you, I've got a great pen.

I've got a great pen already, and I don't see why I need that pen.

It's cheap and it's tacky.

You're saying it's cheap.

Do you know how cheap?

How cheap is it?

Well, it depends how many you want.

Well, let's just say for the sake of moment, I want 50 of them.

Yeah, I can do that.

What kind of deal would you do for me?

Uh

eight quid.

Eight quid for fifty of those pens?

I can get them for about a penny down the market.

Sorry, Carl, you're selling fifty pens for eight quid.

How much does it cost you?

Just want to make sure this is a good business venture for for you, otherwise, it's pointless.

How much do they cost you to buy?

I got them really cheap.

But how much?

How much did I say you can have them for?

8 quid for 50.

I paid a fiver

for 50.

Really?

This is really.

I'll have.

I'll have.

Can I have them for a fiver?

Because I'm a mate.

You can have 25 for

50.

No, no,

if you've got 50 pens for five quid, I wouldn't do this as a living.

Anyway, that's the thing.

Carl,

can you get me 50 pence for a Fiverr then?

50 pence for a Fiverr.

Yeah.

It's not worth it, mate.

Well, I'm a mate.

You don't want to make a profit out of me, do you?

It's not worth it.

I'm trying to run a business there.

I've got bills to pay.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to write something.

I'm going to close the door in your face.

Alright, you don't want a pen.

Fine.

Sometimes you've got to know when to cut off and move on.

So that's what you'd say to Sir Alan, is that you always give up.

When someone says no, you give up.

I'll say I met him.

He just wasn't having it, Sir Alan.

So he didn't want any pens.

If you don't want any pens, you're not going to buy him.

But that you're a salesman, you've got to persuade me that I need a pen.

Everyone needs pens.

But what did you do about the other fellow that came out of the well, just lurking behind him, but came out of the shower?

And I went, oh, I have 50 pence for five.

Or what did you say to him?

He said, not interested.

I was like, it all got a bit dodgy.

I don't know who this person was and that.

And he just wanted him at the going rate.

What sort of a businessman would it be for me to have got the pens for 50 quid?

50 pens for how much?

You're fired.

Stick it up with your ass.

Well, I've enjoyed it, I must say.

I've been Ricky Gervais with me, Stephen Merchant.

Goodbye.

And Carl Pilkinton.

If you've enjoyed this drivel as much as me, which is unlikely, because I mean, I like being in a room.

With a no, no offense to you, Steve, but with a couple of freaks.

None taken.

Sure, thanks.

If you have, um we've got a little back catalogue haven't we Carl?

We've done about what was it 24 of these?

Loads.

Loads of them.

You can go to iTunes on a little audio book.

Good value for money, isn't it?

It's a couple of quid for hours of entertainment.

I tell you as well if you if you love um great music and uh as I say, you know informative chit-chat then um

then six music is your destination.

BBC Six Music, you can check that out.

Carl, anything to plug?

Well if you don't want to listen to the radio and you haven't got iTunes, go back to basics.

Read a book.

Yeah.

It's not out yet, but

Will be.

Well, how are they going to read it then if it's not out yet?

Just saying it will be.

Well, I'm saying they can go to iTunes now and get the back outlook and they go to Six Music this Sunday.

So I don't know why you're saying

you might do a book.

Well,

after that, after they've done all that, in a couple of months, just nip down to the beach.

I'm not waiting a couple of months.

What if they need to have it away?

Busy guy.

Like the Beetle.

You wouldn't say The Beetle.

Oh, it's alright.

There's another book out there as well that I did last year.

Right.

I presume as well, is the Enemy Radio going to be on at some point?

Just check the enemy for details.

Yeah, or maybe go on its website.

Enemy.com?

Probably.