Bonus S1E1 (November 25, 2007)

Rick, in case there are people who've bought this and they've not really heard Carl before,

remember we were talking a while back about the questionnaire that is often featured at the end of the TV programme inside the actor's studio.

Oh, yeah.

Where the host, James Lipton, always asks a series the same questions to every guest.

And it's just supposed to sort of get their creative juices flowing, their mind working.

We did ask Carl some of them, we never completed the questionnaire.

Oh, let's fire a few more at him.

And that'll also introduce some people to the way his mind works a little bit.

Okay.

Question six: What sound or noise do you love, Carl?

Um

there isn't really one that that I love.

Nice noises, like the ones you get, like I like going in the park, right?

And you go, oh, that's nice, isn't it?

And you get like bird noises and stuff.

Give me your fucking wallet.

But then, like, things look nice noises like that, innit?

But, but, you, you, you, you fagging, you can't, yeah, why

It's lovely in the park, innit?

But with those bird noises comes a bit of stress, right?

Because I was in there the other day and

like I say, little bird noises and that and a little robin was there and I thought that's odd, that's out early, right?

Because it's like sort of summertime and that.

And then I thought, oh, that's nice, and I was watching it.

And then it got like a little worm.

And I was like, hey, put it down.

I say, whoa, what do you mean?

Why are you interfering?

Why were you interfering

with a robin taking a worm?

Just because it was a nice sunny day and that, and I thought,

see, worms normally come out when it's raining, don't they?

And you go, well, I bet they're happy to die in a way, because it's chucking it down, it's miserable.

They come to the top of the soil, then, don't they?

Yeah.

When it's miserable.

But it was a sunny day.

Plus, they don't drown, I assume.

No, it's not that, is it?

It's just that they hear the water or something falling on the ground and they go, what's going on?

And they come up to see what's happening.

No, no, wait.

But why do they come up when they think it's raining?

Because they're hearing like knocking on their land and they're going, who's that?

And they come up.

I'm sorry, wait.

Wait a minute.

But why do you think they come up when it's raining?

Because they're hearing the noise of the words.

Yes, but they know what it is.

What am I doing?

Why am I talking like him?

Of course they don't know what it is.

Look.

Can worms hear stuff?

Yeah.

You don't know anything, Carl.

I assume they can sense vibrations and so so on, but they can't hear in the way we hear.

Of course they can't.

Well, whatever, right?

So, all I'm saying is that.

But what was this thing about these worms?

They hear the tapping and go, what's that?

Right, tell us okay, so so start.

You're a worm, okay?

It starts raining.

Tell me your thought process.

Well, you just kind of you're down there, you can't see anything, it's dark anyway.

Yeah, so

you hear about this, don't you?

You hear about blind people have got really good ears.

And it's the same with a worm.

No, they do, it's an extra sense, it's just no it's not, it's not as nonsense, that's nonsense.

They start getting used to

relying on them more, but it doesn't say you don't turn into

bionic woman because you lose your eyes.

No, but you do because you use them more.

If you use something a lot, you get better at it.

So their ears are good.

So all I'm saying is, so this rain's coming down.

I'd load a believer, Rick.

The rain's coming down on the land.

The worm goes, what's going on?

The worm goes, what's going on?

He wiggles up to the top.

So what does he do?

So it goes up and it sort of sees it's raining and then then it goes back down again, doesn't it?

But that's that's what I'm saying about the worm.

What do you mean?

What do you what is sorry?

What is this world where he goes, Oh, it's just rain again?

I said, That's that's the four hundredth time I've been caught out this year.

It's rain.

I'll remember next time, I won't come up.

What do you think a worm is capable of in terms of cognitive thought?

What do you mean?

Well, a worm can basically

tell certain chemicals and certain light patterns.

That's a that's all it is really.

Yeah, and and it's not thinking, it's not choosing its favourite food.

But you don't know that.

It's the same way you're saying to me, I don't know what a worm's thinking, you don't know what it's thinking.

I know it's not thinking.

You don't know that, though, is what I'm saying.

You don't know what things are thinking.

Everything thinks, don't you think?

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

No.

They're thinking.

There's something in this room that's not.

All right, what about this one then?

What about flowers?

Do you think they've got a mind?

A feeling?

Because here's something that.

Again, Again, they use phototropism, they go towards the sun,

they close an eye.

Can you stop using long words for it, like sun?

Listen,

I was, you know, I've been to my mum and dad's.

I was talking to my mum about stuff.

Oh, right.

And she was saying how

this flower

solved a crime.

What happened was

there was a murder.

in an office

so they said it's obvious that someone who works in the office office did this murder because that person's only a sort of a typist.

They've done nothing wrong.

So they said that's narrowed it down, right?

So this flower man came in and he said, I can sort this out for you.

So they said, what do you mean?

He said, well,

during the murder, the plant was knocked off the cabinet.

Right.

And he had some special wires that you can put on

the flower and it's sort of shaking and stuff.

Because even though though you can't see it, flowers pick up bad vibes and what have you.

If you shake a plant, it doesn't like it.

So what happened was

he said, right, what we'll do, we'll put the plant back on the shelf, we'll water it, we'll calm it down,

then get

every

member of staff to come in the room and just go near the flower.

So don't tell them.

So like a line-up for the flower.

Kind of.

Kind of like a line-up.

Don't tell them what we're doing.

Just send them in and say, stand by that cabinet where the murder happened and what have you.

Anyway, it was a long day.

They were getting through a lot of stuff.

It was a big office block.

They were going, this isn't working.

You know, the flower's not budging.

Suddenly, they get into the last part of the day when they were almost giving up.

They call in a sketch artist.

The plant gives them a.

Some caretaker fella.

Oh.

Caretaker said, go over there.

Was it?

Was it an old man?

I mean, because Scooby-Doo didn't like him from the beginning.

So, you know,

why is that janitor so evil?

They send the caretaker over to the plant.

He's going, you know, he's thinking I've got away with this.

Of course.

Plant starts shaking, what have you.

They did him.

Okay, wait a minute then.

So was there any other evidence?

Was that the only evidence they used in the trial?

Well, no, it's one of them things, though.

Imagine if you're that caretaker and you're thinking, I've got away with this, then suddenly a plant grasses you up.

You weren't expecting that.

So suddenly you're off guard.

And you go, okay, okay, okay, get that chrysanthemum away from me.

I did it.

You're talking absolute bollocks.

That was one of the most nonsense pieces of shit I've ever heard in my life.

In my life, well, it happened, but it didn't happen.

But what I was saying is about the worm, right?

The worm that I saw, like I say, it was a sunny day.

I thought, you know, what's that doing up here?

And what have you?

So, anyway, so this robin that I saw that was eating the worm, it had hold of it and I thought it said sunny day and that, give the worm a break, sort of thing.

So I went, oh, oh, you, like that, and it sort of dropped it in shock.

But then when it realised I wasn't that near it, it picked it up again and swallowed it.

And I just thought, oh, do you know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean, no.

I just thought it was a sunny day and everything.

Normally, birds are nice noises that are like,

and yet there it is going about wrecking lives.

Wrecking lives.

It was a word.

No, but it just swallowed it really quickly in that.

And I thought, that's life, innit?

That's what life is like.

One minute's there, then it's then it's not.

I just thought, there's the worm.

It came out, it was happy, didn't know what was going on, and it had an extra chance, the robin dropped it, and then it got it again and ate it.

And I just made it a bit fed up.

Well, do you know why, don't you?

You couldn't outwit a robin.

You put it off, but then it won.

That's the terrible thing, isn't it?

The worm was going, oh, God, Carl Pilkington.

So that's who's been sent to save me, is it, God?

You've sent Karl Pilkington.

Oh, I'm dead.

That's it.

Okay, eat me.

But all I'm saying is how bird noises are normally quite relaxing, but not for the worm.

Unbelievable.

That was one question.

What a load of bollocks.

This is extraordinary.

No, but listen, listen, listen to this.

Listen to this.

This is a good one.

Oh, this will convince us this way.

Yeah, this will

this.

This will be proof.

Go on.

I watched the programme the other week about dead people.

Of course, you did.

And it was people who had been found in their house.

You know, they haven't got any family.

They died sat in their armchair.

Nobody's knocking on the door, ringing them and checking if they're alright.

So they die and they rot away in the chair.

People, you know, the next-door neighbour

called up whoever you call up for dead people and go, There's a dead body next door, it's stinking.

Can you come and get rid of it?

They go in.

I feel what service that is.

I don't know where you find that in the end of pages.

It's a good business, though, isn't it?

Hello, corpse removal.

Stinky dead people.

So they go in, there's flies everywhere.

Of course, there is, yeah.

The doors and the windows are shut.

Where are them flies from?

What do you mean?

Do you know that thing, reincarnation?

Yeah.

I think there it is.

There's an example of it.

How there was no flies in there.

A body rots away.

Out of the body comes flies.

So you live on.

Or out of the body comes flies from the maggots that were in the body.

Well, okay, maggot then.

So we've gone on, we've lived on.

What do you mean?

I'm just saying.

The fly isn't a reincarnation of the maggot.

The maggot is the larval stage of the fly.

No, but I'm forget all the maggot fly.

Think about going from man to a fly.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying the windows and the doors on this house were shut.

Shut tight.

The upshot had got in.

They hadn't got in.

They had got in.

They hadn't.

They'd already there.

We're surrounded by them.

We've probably got fly eggs on us now.

Well, all I'm saying is it's weird that them flies were in there when they weren't in there.

I don't think this fella would have had loads of fly eggs on him.

But I just think it's a bit odd.

Why?

What do you mean?

I just think there's just loads of them.

You didn't see it.

But it only takes one fly to lay loads of eggs.

Yeah, but

so you think it's wiser to ignore Ricky's answer and go with your ghostly supernatural reincarnation one?

You think that's the that's the wise, sensible way to go?

I just think it's a bit odd how every time someone's got fly eggs on them.

So

so that to you is uh uh less of a chance of happening than when you die, some of you turns into flies.

Fly parts.

Well, that happened when my dad chucked a turkey away in a bin, and it was only in there for about a day.

I went to go and put like a crisp packet in the bin at the end of the garden and what have you.

Picked the lid off, full of flies.

Yeah.

Now the bid lin,

the lid bin, the bin lid.

Yeah.

It's like a constant fight with his own brain.

Was fairly sealed and what have you.

Yeah.

Again,

it's a turkey living on.

No, it's not.

The fact that while it was out on the table.

It hadn't been out on the table.

We didn't eat in the end because it had feathers on it.

My mum said, I'm not doing that.

Yeah, but

what do you mean it had feathers on it?

My dad got it off a mate and said, yeah, I've got this for Christmas.

But it was still virtually alive.

And my mum said, oh, just get one from the supermarket.

So we put it in the bin.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, the eggs were already on it, mate.

It's just an idea I've had.

It's a theory.

everyone's allowed one.

But it's bollocks.

Back to the Inside the Actor Studio questions.

Question

nine.

What profession, Carl, would you not like to do?

Um

you see, in a way, some bad jobs are good jobs in a way.

Because one, it means that when you have a holiday, you really appreciate it.

Sure.

Do you know what I mean?

Whereas, you see, I always thought, like, when um when I had a job where I used to have to do like four hours a night when I worked through the night, I only had four hours to do from two in the morning till six, right?

But it meant that when I was on holiday, I never really appreciated it, because between two and six, I'd be asleep anyway.

So, unless I got up at two in the morning and went, I'm relaxing now, instead of working, you don't get the full I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The rules that you live by about what you can enjoy and what you can't.

What's good with a holiday, right?

If you work, say if you work in a factory from eight in the morning till eight at night, packing socks into a rubber bag, right?

Between eight and what time did I say me?

It's a 12 hour, it's a 12 hour sock packing job.

It is murder.

I also like the socks into a rubber bag.

I love to get my socks in a rubber bag.

And also, he forgot, he forgot the timings immediately.

He said the sentence, then it went out of his head.

if you're packing you from what time did I say it was what are they packing so all right so you're a sock stuffer you do a 12-hour shift yeah

okay go ahead so you go oh come on Rita no more socks for me I don't want to see another sock for a week and you got the rubber bag don't bring the rubber bag that's the last thing I want to see So what I mean is, when you're on the beach, right, by the sea, between 8 and 8, you're thinking, oh, this time yesterday, I was packing socks in a rubber bag, and you can really enjoy it.

You can keep going, oh, an hour later, you can go, oh, I was packing socks yesterday, and you can't.

I'm glad you enjoyed love, we stopped going about the fucking socks.

Right, aren't they?

I don't think this marriage is gonna last.

Oh, look, Rita, I was.

I know, you were packing fucking socks yesterday.

Let's not fucking talk about it for a week, you boring bastard.

Oh, Rita, what?

This time is- I know you were packing fucking socks in a rubber-cunting bag.

No, I was having lunch at this time, you fucking slut.

Oh, Christ Almighty!

So what I was saying is, when I was working from two in the morning till six,

to really enjoy being off from there, if I was on holiday...

You'd have to get up in the middle of the night.

To go, oh, this time is going to be a good thing.

Surely the joy is not having to get up in the middle of the night.

Then when you get up and thought, God, thank God I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night like I usually do, I slept through like a normal person.

Surely that's the joy.

I think the joy is going, oh, I'm normally doing this at this time.

But that's ridiculous because if you worked right till 6 a.m., you presumably went to bed and slept in till sort of 3 in the afternoon or something, yeah?

So you'd be up at 10 a.m.

going, wow, usually I'm asleep.

So you get it then.

So you're talking shit again.

And the final question from the Inside the Actress Studio questionnaire: if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Is that how it works?

Oh,

no.

What do you mean?

What's the question?

Well, I don't know.

You hear so many other things that you have to go through other gates.

I can't imagine him being on the door, is what I'm saying.

If he owns a place, what's he doing there?

He could put anyone on it.

It's St.

Peter, isn't it, who's normally minding the gates, famously?

Right, so it's him asking me.

Okay, well, let's say it's St.

Peter.

No, no, no, no.

You go through the gate, Peter goes, oh, you're expected.

He's got an appointment.

We're going through the guard.

You go through the God, you go through a few doors, go up

the top floor, right, past the executive washroom, into his big office, okay, that overlooks the universe.

And God says, why have you got a doctor with his finger up your arm?

And you go, well, you should know.

He caused it.

So what, what?

So you've gone in to see God.

It's an audience with God.

You've died.

You've gone to heaven.

And what would you like God to say to you at that point?

He might offer you great wisdom.

He might ask you a question.

He might tell you something.

What would you like him to say?

And is this just one visit?

This is like, because it's my first day.

Yeah, it's my first chat with him.

You get a chat with him, yeah.

But after that, I don't.

Well, you might bump into him at the

Christmas party, the AGM.

But I'm not going to be myself, am I?

I'm going to be in shock a little bit because it's like, I mean, I'm not comfortable on the first day of holiday because you're in different surroundings, the hotel, you've got to to get used to where everything is.

So he's not going to get the best out of me.

No, but you have eternal bliss.

Yeah, you're not.

Yeah, he's got a long time to get to know you.

And he knows everything anyway, so don't worry about it.

So what does he see me then?

What would you want God to say to you?

So you walk in there, you're happy with it because you understand now you're dead and it's a whole new world and everything's all right, you feel great.

What am I saying?

Well, anyway, going along with this dribble, what would you like God to say to you?

All right.

Probably just say, oh,

you've done well on that in your life.

You never did anybody any harm.

So, welcome to

heaven.

Any problems, give us a shout.

You know, here's a little layout of like a you know, like a little map.

It's kind of like.

I love this.

This is a great answer.

And my favourite one is, you never did anyone any harm.

That's that's great.

That's a brilliant thing for God to say.

Yeah.

So hang on, he's giving you a little map.

So he's giving you a little map of the area.

He's sort of saying, This is where you go for this, this is where you go for that.

I'd probably ask him about the ghost situation.

I'd say, Am I now a ghost then, or is this just like another planet that I've come onto?

Right.

Uh, I don't know if he'd answer that.

I don't know if he'd be sort of a bit sort of,

you know, a little bit cagey, yeah, a little bit like, well, I don't want to panic you and stuff.

Um, I'd say, right, is it right that I can see past family and that?

Because to be honest, I'd probably prefer to stay away.

He doesn't even want to.

No, but because the thing is, if you've done it, I've done all that in this life, so it's about moving on to another life and meeting different people, isn't it?

Yeah.

Otherwise, what's the point?

It's just like the same all over again, but everywhere's white.

So who's the worst person?

Do you go to heaven and it's all grey and God goes all and he's so-and-so and you go, oh f I know, what's he doing here?

Yeah.

Um

but why why would he be be introducing me to that one?

No, I'm saying who's the worst person you'd like to see in a moment.

Who do you just not want to encounter in heaven?

What if he said, right, Carl, you're in heaven, but we've got to teach you a lesson.

You're a bit cruel to freaks.

Here's Pillow Man.

Here's the three-legged juggler.

Here's the elephant man.

They've got a few questions.

Yeah, that'd be alright.

That'd be a good idea.

Elephant man goes, Why did you talk about me like that?

that?

I'd say, I never had a go at you.

Why did you talk about me eating buns?

But then I'd get a bit annoyed with God.

I'd turn Elephant Man onto God.

I'd say, well, hang on a minute.

At least when he put his head down on that pillar and he did himself in, he did that because he was sick of life.

You've brought him up here, he's still got the head.

Why didn't you give him a better head whilst he was up here in his next life?

Well, he could say the same to you.

Heaven's beginning to sound like one of the worst drinks dudes ever.

It's awful.

Everyone's sort of making kind of snipy comments and you're having to make conversation with people you don't really want to talk to.

Yeah, it is.

God is not sure God's the best host.

I mean, I don't know if it is like that.

Do you think God would like this podcast?

Um, well, I suppose it just kills half an hour, doesn't it?

Well, yeah, but time's not a problem for him, is it?

Yeah, it is, because he lives for ages, so he needs loads of filler.

I bet he's, you know, doing stuff that he's just like, I'm not really into this, but it's something to do, and it's Suducco and stuff.

I love the idea God's bored yeah is it locked to keep him going

playing solitaire on the computer

but there's I think there'll be as just as many problems up there as there is here because at least people are leaving here whereas up there that's the thing that I'd be worried about the most actually that it's really crowded because it's years and years of dead people in it

London does me heading up there it's going to be

well busier than that.

And what are you?

So you're all, presumably, you're all naked.

Why has that happened?

Well, because he didn't want Adam and Eve to put clothes on, did he?

He was annoyed at the snake and everything.

So you're all back to nature.

You're all naked.

So you're all walking around naked, right?

Yeah.

But.

So you're up there,

you're up there just naked talking to

Graham Norton and stuff like that.

But I'd have to get used to that.

If I go up there and he goes, right, you're welcome to heaven and that, and I go, all right, I've made it to heaven.

He goes, yeah.

Right.

Put your clothes in the bin bag.

No, no, no, you're up there.

You're already naked.

Right, that's that's all I'd say.

So this is a bit odd.

Why?

You wouldn't worry about it, though, would you?

Yeah, it's just odd, isn't it?

It's something different, something different, you know.

I know, you've been naked before.

You've been naked before.

Yeah, but I don't roam about with people around me.

They're not people.

You'd have to get used to that.

They're heavenly creatures, they're not.

No, but I'd have to get, I'd say, look, can you just leave me for like four days just to get used to this idea?

Four days.

Four days, just to get used to wandering about, and I'd be in my house and I'd see

the house that I'm living in.

Well, you don't live in a house in heaven, you just wander around on clouds, don't you?

All naked and just

it's getting worse.

I don't think it's that good.

It's not fair, though, because all them lot have been up there ages with like

a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that, so they'll look alright.

I'll be wandering about with like underpant marks and stuff.

underpant marks

had a look online to see what's been going on scientists say that Everest brackets the mountain

just in case you've confused that with any other Everests maybe the double glazing people

you say that people scientists say that Everest has grown a bit the way they were talking about it you'd have thought it's grown loads it's only inches no isn't that

they found out that it's actually a couple of inches taller than they first thought because their methods of measuring are more accurate than they were 20 years ago.

So it's bigger than they thought it was.

It hasn't grown.

No, I just think what's happened is at the bottom, because of like people, people are always climbing up it, aren't they?

Right?

Yeah.

So they're sort of wearing away the soil at the bottom.

It's all rubbish.

So they're also pushing the colours.

It's also measured against sea level.

It's not measured about when you get...

Otherwise, they'd just big a big hole, wouldn't they?

And go, right, it's down to here.

If the peak is measured against

the sea level, does it matter at the end of the day?

No, but it's just nice to know, innit?

Yeah, but that's all what I'm saying is we don't need to know that.

It's not going to put anyone off.

Like Brian Blessed, who's always climbing up there for fun.

He's not going to go, Oh, I could handle it last year, but oh, two more inches.

Forget that.

Gonna be shattered.

So don't don't worry about it.

It doesn't matter how big it is.

Something else though, that's happened since, right?

Um, they were climbing up there and someone got near the top and they were sort of climbing up like that, holding the cliff edge and that.

And they'd forgotten the flag.

Have to go back.

No, their hand hit the bit of rock and it went like dung.

I'm like, what's that?

Dung, dung.

Put another hand up, ding, ding.

Piano under there.

They don't know how it's got there.

Right, you're talking shit again.

Someone's been tipping.

Right up Everest.

Okay.

The council won't even take away your washing machine unless you pay them.

They're not going to sneak up Everest.

No, this is the problem, isn't it?

Because the council won't take anything.

People are going, what can we do with this?

Oh, yeah.

Well,

I'll tell you what,

just sneak up Everest.

Did I take you nine days?

And you may die, but just pop it up on Everest.

Well, I know for a fact that

you've confused a few things there, because I think the piano being found was actually somewhere in Scotland, some kind of moor in Scotland, and they found a piano up there, and everyone said, I don't understand, how's the piano doing up here?

And it turned out that some guy, one of these people who tries to break world records, had

dragged a piano up there as some kind of feat of endurance.

Yeah, but thought, I'll be damned if I'm going to take it back again, and just left it up there.

It wasn't, you know, bloody tipping or aliens or anything.

My dad used to bury things in the garden because the council used to charge for like washing machines and mangles and cookers and pets.

So I'm just thinking in millions of years when they dig that up, they think that dogs used to cook and like do washing up and things.

I love the idea of burying utensils.

And think of the hole big enough to bury a washing machine.

Or a mangle.

So, whoever kind of bought that house after your

dad, they got a little treat in store.

Yeah, lovely little one-themed rockery.

Yeah.

The weather is weird this morning.

One minute it's sunny, then it's thundering, then hailstones, then it's sunny again.

People will be saying it's global warming.

I don't really know what that means.

Everything's changing all the time, innit?

I wonder if years ago when we first came out of the sea and we walked on land upright, did people blame the weather for that?

Good point, huh?

No, it's so stupid.

Yeah, ridiculous.

We didn't come out of the sea and instantly start walking around like humans and go, oh, can you believe it?

We were swimming around, we were having a whale of a time.

Do you know what?

I blame the weather.

No, but now they would if that happened.

It's the same way, say, like

evolution, right?

We talk about it a lot, right?

Now, years ago, I don't know how it happened, but some whale had legs, right?

Yeah.

This is how it started.

Before he was a whale, yeah.

Whales started off with legs.

They were roaming about on the beach front, right?

Anyway, it worked out that you know they didn't like it or whatever.

Get back in.

Now,

say

if that happened again now, right?

Say if someone's born and they say, they always say, don't they check for lumps and stuff?

Right?

Make sure you haven't got any lumps.

Now, say.

Sorry, who says this?

And what's the what?

Like magazines and doctors and that's what I'm saying.

So when you're first born, um,

yeah.

Okay, but

arbitrary decision answer.

All I mean is now, say if like our evolution thing is kind of like the next level is for us to have three legs because we're that busy on the world now.

But it doesn't work like that.

Why would it work like that?

Because that's nature, innit?

It deals with it.

If people are getting stressed out and getting achy legs a lot, because they're going, well, what you're doing there is you're using two legs, like you've got three.

You need another one.

But the problem is,

say if someone grew a leg now, because it's like, well, we need three legs.

Yeah, but

people would go, oh, I found a lump, right?

And the doctor would go, Oh, whip that out.

Now that could be a third leg that's growing.

But Carl, evolution doesn't work like that.

It doesn't work.

Suddenly something isn't born with a perfectly formed third leg that can be passed on.

I know it's a lump, it starts off like a lump and and if you left it alone, it would eventually over a bit of time

over many, many millions of years.

But but it grow as another leg, but we're not letting that happen anymore.

It also wouldn't happen.

Limbs don't work like that either.

They do if you keep putting extra pressure on two legs.

Carl, you're

honestly, what you imagine the process of evolution and natural selection to be is

beyond me.

It's not a problem.

No, but it depends

whatever your surroundings are, that's what you change to, isn't it?

Like the well,

you don't change to it, you're either selected or you're not.

So

what happens is there's a genetic throw-up.

So something's born,

you know, a llama's born with a slightly longer neck.

And if that gets, you know, the leaves that are slightly higher up and it survives, it lives longer, it passes on its genetic material.

Soon, if that works now, over millions and millions of years, that they're the dominant species, a new species

is thrown up with a slightly longer neck, and so on and so on.

And it's gradual.

Just a slight advance.

Sometimes it happens quicker than that.

There's been animals that have had eyes and then they go, oh, they don't need'em.

They go in the space of a fortnight.

No, what are you talking about?

There's a lizard somewhere where it's roaming about in the dark and it used to have eyes.

And they used to be like, What why have we got eyes and that?

What's the point in having these?

Because we're keeping them open.

And they were getting more tired.

Because at the end of the day, if your eyes are open,

do you know what I mean?

Blind people can stay up longer than a someone with eyes.

Keep going.

I want to follow this through to his network conclusion.

Keep going, keep going.

There is nothing to do.

Right, the first signs of you getting tired, you go, oh, my eyes, I can hardly keep them open.

Yeah.

So a blind person doesn't get that because they can roam about with them short like that.

So they never sleep, do they, blind people?

Well, they sleep, but not, they don't need as much because their eyes aren't stinging.

All guessing, all guesswork, and all nonsense.

I mean, all nonsense.

Well, hang on, fair enough.

Okay, let's even if we accept that to be true of blind people, what was happening with the lizards?

The lizards were going, I can't believe this is mad, we don't need our eyes, we're down underground.

What's the point?

Jeff, Bill, let's just no longer use eyes.

Well, they were just like,

in a way, it's better if we keep our eyes shut to keep the soil out and stuff.

And then over a time, they were like, oh, my eyes are stuck.

Like the time when.

For a fortnight, you said.

No, no, no, no.

It's over hundreds of millions of years.

And the other thing is, it's not the case that there's no will to evolution.

What happened was that

a blind one had no disadvantage, so he was selected

better than one with eyes that maybe would find it irritating or getting in the way.

You know, just like

a snake, it's not a disadvantage for a snake to lose its legs because

it's selected and then it's an advantage because

they can get into places that

legs would get in the way.

Like I've said before, right?

You see, like a little fella, like a midget or a dwarf or something,

who's to say that that isn't the way we should be?

Do you mean how do we know that well, everybody looks at them and goes, oh, little fella.

But really,

it doesn't matter.

If we were all like that, the world would be a better place because it's bigger, so there's more to see.

Whereas for us, we're getting bigger all the time.

The world isn't growing, so there's less to see for us.

So for a midget, the world is brilliant.

So I'd say it'd be good if we do go backwards as opposed to forwards.

Instead of us getting bigger bigger all the time.

Do you want a cup of tea?

No.

I'm quite sure of mate.

I'll leave you to it.

Do you know what I mean, though?

We haven't got any.

We've only got instant coffee as well.

No.

But what I mean is they always say like

the body's.

No, thanks, mate.

Tell me when he's finished.

I'm just saying the body's getting bigger.

And instead of going forward.

No sugar for me, thanks.

Do you want milk, though?

Yeah, yeah, milk.

Get it.

Some scientists have come up with a cure for bird flu.

It's somewhat to do with some stuff in horses.

They gave the flu to a mouse and then injected it and it's well again.

I think we should stop coming up with cures for things as the germs are just getting stronger and stronger.

I reckon by 2020, germs will be so big that we will be able to see them in the air.

They will no longer be little particles.

You wouldn't swallow one.

If you did, it won't be the germ that will kill you.

You'll just choked to death.

I think that's how we'll die in the future.

Choking on enormous giant germs.

And they'll be like rampaging around the cities.

Will they?

I'll tell you what, though, right?

I'm getting worried now because

the stuff he believes and thinks of,

I mean, it could be mental.

Do you know what I mean?

Like a proper paranoid sort of one of those people that soon going to live in a loft covered in tin foil.

Yeah.

Right?

And pages of the Bible all the way around the.

And Suzanne's having to put on some sort of spacesuit to come in and give him his beans on a toast.

And he's going to have to polish each bean.

That's what scientists do, innit?

They just sort of think ahead of everyone else.

That's what I'm doing.

And the weird thing is, right, Steve,

sometime last week, there was a science piece which was close to what I'd already said.

Yeah.

That they've got some germs that like eating sugar.

They stick them in a lunchbox with a chocolate bar.

Within an hour, it was gone.

And they're saying now these germs love chocolate and sugar.

Did this scientist leave it near this fat scientist that works in the same laboratory?

And he went, it's unbelievable.

Is it Ted?

You went, what?

Right.

I put the chocolate bar in here with the germ.

Okay, it's gone.

That's amazing.

Well, that's brilliant, that.

Do it again.

What?

Do it again.

Leave another one, see if it happens again.

So in the future, you're running around and germs are...

Eating chocolate.

That's not science, that's Pac-Man.

Went to bed and chatted about food to Suzanne.

I said it would be best if our bodies could be run on something like coal.

That way you wouldn't get fat people because you wouldn't be eating for enjoyment.

You'd just be eating to give you energy.

Suzanne said, Why do you always take the nice things out of life?

Because sometimes to think about the future, it's not going to be all good, is it?

Look at the way we have to do things now that we sort of go, oh, I'm sick of this.

But they do it for your own good.

But you try and change the laws of the universe.

Based on arbitrary whims.

No, but we're always eating stuff.

That's one of the things we do now, isn't it?

As soon as we find a new creature, like that frog that's been hidden away for like millions of years, you get someone who goes, I wonder if we can eat that.

Do you know what I mean?

Everything that's walking on the world, they sort of see what powers it's got.

What powers it's got?

No, like if it can jump far,

you know, is it poisonous?

Can you get anything out of it to save people?

And then can we eat it?

They're the three things that they do with a new frog.

Any questions?

Can it jump fast?

Yeah, that's a good thing.

Is it poisonous?

There's a poison in it that you can use to get rid of illnesses.

Yeah.

Can you eat it?

Because the first three questions anyone asks do it.

It seems to be the way, because you look at menus and that, how they're getting bigger and bigger now, and that's only because we're finding more and more species of stuff.

Is it?

Yeah.

If you look at some stuff on a menu, that octopus you eat,

at some point that would have gone through the list of, right, what does it do?

What's it got in it?

What does that ink do what's it taste like

can it jump can it whatever well they've done tests on it haven't they when we said about it being in a getting in a jam jar or something yeah so it's all part of it everything's been tested everything

but I th what the though is that the first you hear of a new fangled food do you think that uh in ancient civilization they didn't they didn't do this they didn't try an oyster or or spear a fish or yeah because there wasn't that much uh o other stuff knocking about at that time.

We've got loads of stuff, so why are we messing about with some new frog?

It's all like people just like showing off, don't they?

Leave the frogs, let them get busy and have loads of them, eat the chickens, when we run out of them, move on to the frog or whatever.

But why have all this on the go?

Do you know what I mean?

It just makes it I I I hate going out for a meal now, because it's like, what what are you having?

Oh, I'm sick of it, look at it all.

And then you're forced into people going, Oh, have you had the new frog?

I don't want it, I was happy with chicken.

That's what I mean.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Have you ever been at Rick and someone's been trying to force frog on you?

Never.

I've never been forced frog in my life.

Although I did go for a meal once with Carl.

We went there and he had the Oriental d'oeuvres I recommended, right?

And he was trying to get this little oyster

off the shell, right?

And he was stuck to its house.

And

I looked round and his eyes were watering and he was choking and he was drinking water.

I said, Well, then he said, I hit that and it was a big blob of wasabi

and I said, Why did you put it all in at once?

He said, I thought it was a mushy pea

Why would they put one mushy pea?

Was it hardcore the wasabi?

It felt like my head was caving in

That was just Ricky squeezing it, wasn't it?

Between courses.

Trouble with that though is uh you know hot food, why you get addicted to really hot food is the pain is actually your it's killing taste buds and then endorphins are releasing the brain like you know a morphine derivative to to sort of go sorry or calm the pain.

So you actually get addicted to that sort of

you know what

why would you want to kill your taste buds?

But new ones come back.

Well yeah I think they you yeah, I think you'd straight away.

Well I don't know how long it takes.

I d I don't know I'm not sure.

No it's just is that the chef sort of going oh I'm serving some right rubbish tonight.

Give him some of that kusabi.

Kusabi?

Oh god, and Tonto.

Oh god.

Back to the diary.

Back to Carl's diary, Friday the 31st.

I read that some fellow had been having an affair.

His wife found out, so when he was asleep, she super glued his knob to his stomach, one of his bollocks to his leg, and glued his ass cheeks together, then chucked him out.

If Suzanne did that, I would definitely not get back with her.

Saying that, I would have woke up if someone was putting super glue on me arse.

I'm quite a light sleeper.

Is that what she did, is it?

Yeah, that's why I'm a bit cautious about wearing earbuds every night.

The uh

plunge things.

Earbuds?

Earbuds.

Right.

So that's what they're called, right?

Plunge things.

He's like, he wakes up words.

They taught a chimp to talk, and the chimp had a better grasp of language after about a few years than Carl.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, that's why I won't wear buds and plunge things.

I phoned him up the other day.

He went, oh, I've just tried out those new earplugs that mould your ear.

You can't hear a thing except your own voice.

I went, All right, they're good, aren't they?

He went, Yeah.

He said, It's weird hearing your own voice, and it because you're hearing it as other people hear it.

I went, No, you're not.

He went, You are.

He said, You don't usually hear your own voice because usually when you talk, you're talking over it.

Woke up at 9:55 a.m.

Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me.

I said, Did I tell you about

his eyes.

Okay, alright.

Okay, so

he opens his eyes, he looks at Suzanne, she looks at him.

What question, Rick, do you think he immediately asks his girlfriend?

Go on.

What question do you think?

Have a quick guess.

Am I dreaming?

I woke up, I said to my girlfriend, did I tell you about...

I woke up, I looked at Suzanne, she looked at me.

I said, did I tell you about the immune system?

Did I tell you about the immune system?

Suzanne started laughing.

I said, it's amazing.

She said, not now.

Oh, God.

I was thinking that.

Did I tell you about the immune system?

Oh, shut up.

I'll put that up.

Oh, God.

Oh, fucking hell.

Was talking to Suzanne about how it's odd that Sundays are meant to be the day of rest.

I thought God was meant to be born on a Sunday.

Or was it the seventh day that he finished making the world?

Imagine how good the world could have been if he'd given it an extra day.

Sometimes it's best to give yourself a deadline though, so you don't faff about it.

I looked at Suzanne.

She was leaning back on the bench with her eyes shut with the sun on her face.

I never got an answer to my question.

Pretending to be asleep.

I met out with my mate Laurie.

He said he was in a pub at the weekend and saw a bloke whose hands were on the wrong arms.

No!

No!

What do you mean?

Well,

he had his left hand on his right arm and the right hand on the left arm.

I don't think this would be a problem if he's been like that from an early age.

When I was in Ripley's in LA, I saw a bloke whose head was on back to front.

That's more annoying, isn't it, than your hands?

Innit.

Now then, would you walk...

How would you walk?

Would you be walking backwards, Carl, so that you could walk, so you're basically walking forwards?

I reckon I'd walk sideways so nobody would sort of tell the difference.

It just went like,

oh, God!

He solved it again.

He's thought it through.

Got home and read the magazine.

There was a story about a baby that was born that looked like a frog.

What magazine's this?

That made the news.

That was in a proper newspaper in the end.

The story used the description to describe it.

There was a picture.

I think it was a fairly decent description.

It didn't really have a neck or top half of its head.

It would look alright if it always wore a scarf and a hat.

The world would be a more interesting place if there were loads of different types of humans like there are creatures.

Then some people would be good at certain jobs.

Spider people, ant people, builders.

Cockroach people, dustbin men.

Good idea, right?

I mean, I don't know.

Cockroach men, spider-men?

What are you talking about?

I haven't had a normal conversation with you for a year.

No.

It's getting worse, I think.

I think it's because you've left and you've got too much time on your hands and you live in your head for sort of like maybe eight hours a day and then you uh offload when someone calls you or when you call me or or Suzanne gets the the brunt of it.

But I mean I I I mean I I don't know.

I really would like to and a nice is I still think he's brilliant, right?

But I would like to get a little psychiatrist in just to would you mind seeing a psychiatrist?

There's nothing wrong.

These are all ideas, aren't they?

You look at some insects, right?

They don't have machinery.

Yet they're getting by, aren't they?

They they they have their lives like we do.

They get up, they wander about, they collect food, they tidy up, they fix stuff, they make their own house.

We can't do any of that.

So, what I'm saying is, why aren't we using them?

Why are these cockroaches with all these powers and stuff

going about?

It's all these powers.

How could we use them?

How could we harness them?

I just told you, dustbin men.

Or whatever they're doing.

I know you said if they were also men, if they were cockroach men,

you've left a big bit out, but when that one-inch cockroach becomes a six-foot bloke wearing a a jacket.

It's just that we always use insects for like a bit of fun.

You see flea circuses and all that, which is all very well, but I don't think it's getting the most out of them.

Cockroaches can live without a head.

I know.

Could they still sort out the rubbish if they've got no heads?

They could, couldn't they?

Except if they were...

Because you know you want to use them as builders and dustmen, they couldn't whistle at pretty girls, could they?

No, but they wouldn't be doing that job.

They're just doing the bins.

Okay.

It's ants that are doing the building.

Okay, I'm sorry.

And are they getting up early?

Are they disturbing...

They don't sleep, do they?

But they don't get you up even early.

You ain't when builders get you up at seven, then go for breakfast?

Yeah, but it wouldn't go on as long, would it?

Because the ants would be working hard.

So it'd probably be one day of madness, but then it'd be finished.

As opposed to builders just stood about whistling, doing nothing, going on for months.

And is this ant six foot?

Uh, no.

No.

About three.

Three foot.

So how many of them are there?

About uh about thirty of them.

And what do they look like?

Are they just a giant ant with a

on?

Um

just get on with it.

I mean it'd be weird for a bit, but with anything, you get used to seeing it.

But

again, this isn't an idea, it isn't a theory, you can't put this into practice because it doesn't exist.

No, I'm just saying.

I mean, you wishing for ant builders is the same as you wishing that you didn't have to do any building and your house was just perfect, or you could just wish for it.

What's the difference?

Why go through this elaborate?

But what I'm saying is that your wish is

you're taking you're not taking shortcuts.

You see, it's the same people who go, Oh, I wish I'd go back in time and put a thousand pounds on the the Grand National.

What you mean is you wish you had a million pounds.

So don't worry about the time travel bit and put in a do you wish you were rich?

It's like so you wish you didn't have to have builders round.

That's what you're wishing for.

So this elaborate thing of getting a three foot ant with a hard hat.