Fame S1E1 (October 12, 2007)

Hi, welcome to uh The Ricky Gervais Show with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello there, and the shaven monkey with a head like a fucking orange, that is Carl Pilkington.

Well, um,

this is a a special edition, a free a giveaway podcast, um, uh that people who uh came to see my show fame in London got put on their seat.

Gratis, thanks for coming.

Well, unless you didn't even come and still got this free.

Unless someone went and said, I don't want it, he was rubbish and gave it to you.

You're listening to it for free, or you've sort of downloaded it illegally.

It was free anyway.

Oh,

forget it.

We've been away for a while.

Now we're back together.

The old team?

The old team back together in a little room in central London.

Carl,

looking back on the year, what's happened?

I remember remember last year the most memorable thing that happened was you saw a grub eating a biscuit.

That was a highlight.

I made it into his diary.

Yeah.

So what's the big thing of this year?

What's the big thing so far of 2007 that as if if I say 2007, you'll go, oh yeah, that was the year that

you know, in ten years' time.

Yeah, I'll go, I'll go, remember 2007?

You go, of course I do.

It was the year that

I haven't really been following what's going on because of other like personal well yeah what's the big okay what's the big boiler my boiler's playing up still sick of it your what your boiler your boiler the boiler that eats the water up and stuff but it doesn't you know what I do in that situation I'd instantly get a repair man out sort of done that done that twice it was 80 quid for him just to say it looks like you need a new one why don't you get a new one then call out because you then you wondered are you meant to believe him or is he out to sort of well he's the expert

yeah but is he It's like you know to get a second opinion, aren't you?

Like, so that was the first time then.

So, what was the second time?

Who came out the second time?

Same fella, and what did he say?

I thought you were going to get a second opinion.

Yeah, and also

the company, and they just sent him again because it called a different company.

What was his second opinion?

80 quid.

I undercharged you, it's 150.

No, because they must look in the book and sort of go, Oh, you know, Ari went round there or whatever.

And

they must think, well, he went there last time, so he knows the situation.

Yeah, and got the same fella again.

And you've got the same opinion, I see.

Same answer, yeah.

So, so, okay, so two, so twice you've got called someone out.

They said, you need a new boiler.

He had the overalls on, holding a monkey wrench again.

He came in a van.

Yeah.

He charged you.

He's the professional.

Why haven't you got a new boiler?

Because then

he went on to say that, you know, it's a dangerous setup I've got.

It shouldn't be set up the way it is.

It's dangerous.

Something about gas leaking out of it.

He said, you don't sleep close to this, do you?

And it's like, well, the bedroom's there.

It's not a big flight.

You've seen it, Steve.

Everything's on suite.

So he went on to say,

everything's on suite.

So, anyway, so he's just sort of said, look, you know, he doesn't want to touch it.

He said, you need to get someone in who can sort this out for you.

Well, and it took him two visits, 160 quid to feel that out.

Yeah.

This is what they do, innit?

So, so, what's his advice?

He just said, you know, there are people out there who will will touch it if you pay the right money.

Well, okay, so you're going to get an expert in who does this thing and sorts it out.

So well no, I I called up my dad.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he always knows someone who can sort stuff out.

And he said, oh, one of your cousins is a is a boiler man.

And

yeah, they're they're coming round, but I've never met them.

And it turns out that that person, because like the whole family, you know, I I'm not into sort of keeping in touch with people.

Sure.

I haven't spoken to my brother for like, I don't know, twelve years and sister about fifteen years and that.

So the idea of this cousin, who have, I mean, he might as well not have said he's my cousin, because I'm not going to know him anyway.

I mean, it might have that last fella, Ari, might as well relate.

So, they're going to turn up, and now it turns out that because they haven't seen the rest of the family, they're going to use this as a reunion.

Oh, so they're all going to come round whilst they're all coming round whilst he fixes the boiler, yeah.

And I ate it, I ate, I ate family things anyway.

So, they're going to come around and just look at you.

Well, yeah, apart from the one who's fixing it, he'll be fixing it, and the others will just be sat around, sort of going, So, how have you been?

It's like, well, why do you start?

I haven't seen,

seriously, I mean, they are strangers.

When they buzz, I could be letting anyone in.

And so, you're going to entertain them all in your flat?

I said to my dad that I might just say that I've got to go to a meeting, let them in, and then shoot off.

I love that.

So, now they're strangers that you're letting it in your flat, and you're not even being there.

That's the best thing.

That's that's the security

now

Carl says he remembers this year for as boiler

being a bit of a pain, but now everyone knows over the past sort of like few years my big pet project hasn't been my own career.

It's been get Carl famous.

Yeah, I want people to recognize him in the street, come up to him and say, you bald-headed mank twat.

Make his love.

Let me tell you now, Rick, I've been out and about, and a lot of people have said to me, they've come up to me and said, Has Carl Pilkerton got ahead like a fucking orange?

And I'm about to instantly confirm the answer to be yes.

Well, I'm in America quite a bit, and it doesn't matter whether I'm talking to David Bowie, The Simpsons, all these people, people on 24, all these people who have got these amazing careers and lives say, is Carl Pilkerton really like that?

I say yes, he's he's not two short planks, he's three or four fucking shorts.

Short but thick.

Fucking lumps of thickness.

But he's had a call.

He had a call recently from a film company asking him if he's got any ideas for movies.

Now, how desperate, how in what dire straits must the British film industry be that they're going, well,

yeah, we need Carl Pilkerton.

We have hit rock bottom.

And he went along for an interview.

So what?

And you went in and you...

I went along and

had a meeting.

in a cafe

and they just said right you know got any ideas?

And sort of said, you know, what are you thinking?

What sort of thing are you after?

You have to action, thriller, whatever.

Because you can provide any of that.

I love that that he's playing it cool.

Like, you've come to the right person.

My time's precious.

What do you need?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm Carl Pilkerton.

Yeah, yeah.

They call me the movie doctor.

What do you need, Puffy?

So, I thought of this idea sort of on the spot.

That was why I am.

No, but sometimes that's how good ideas come up, don't they?

Just round.

So a lot of yours have come up, yeah.

No, but if you just talk, I find that your mouth comes out with stuff.

Right, there's another quote.

There is another quote.

If you talk, your mouth comes out with stuff.

That to me is stands along with what are those things in gremlins called.

Does your brain rule you or do you rule your brain?

No, but what I mean if you sit there and try and use your brain to do it,

it doesn't work the same.

Just just keep talking, just keep your keep your mouth talking.

And eventually it will come out with something pretty good.

That is exactly what Plato said.

So uh so Aristotle, he said, sit down, I've got an idea for you.

Aristotle said, Plato, I'd like to go, right?

Just keep talking, and eventually, your brain will come out with stuff.

So, what I thought, I just started off by saying, like, actors' names and that, who I thought should be in it, because then that's giving more, it's building right.

Who's he saying?

So, I said, Right, I'm seeing Clive Warren.

That's Clive Warren!

Who's Clive Warren?

The one who was in Closer, Clive Owen, Clive Owen, right?

All right, did they look at you like you're a fucking idiot?

Well,

so they all started trying to figure out who's this Clive Warren we've not heard about.

He must be amazing.

He's got a lot of fun.

Clive Warren.

Get me Clive Warren on the phone.

Get me Clive Warren.

And I said Rebecca DeMornay.

What?

Oh, where did that guy?

He hasn't been in a film for 15 years or so.

Clive Warren and Rebecca DeMornay.

I love this.

They thought he was a genius.

They thought he was an absolute.

Like, we've never thought of putting Clive Warren with Rebecca DeMorn.

Hang on a minute.

You could have.

You could have any film star.

This is your fantasy casting.

And you choose a bloater doesn't exist and a woman who hasn't been on TV or in a film for ten years.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you choose a like, you know, a big story?

Someone who exists

or someone who's a big star.

Oh, God.

Clive and De Morning.

Claudi Warren.

Oh, God.

So anyway, so they were going, yeah.

And what happens is

they're going out

together and that.

Yeah, Clive Warren and Rick and Morning.

I said, it's one of them where it starts off and the people, you know, you're seen into their lives lives from like the morning.

So it's like a nice sunny day.

Yeah.

Radio's on.

You know, they're going about the day.

They're having the breakfast.

They're saying, oh, what are we doing tonight?

They're planning a big do that night and stuff.

And you're thinking, oh, they've got a nice life.

She's like, love you and all that.

He walks out of the house, gets hit by a bus.

Oh.

So Clive Warren's, they're dead, right?

Now,

what happens is she's devastated, Rebecca.

I don't know if Clive Warren will take that part.

Because he ain't got much to do.

I hasn't he?

No, I don't know.

If I know Clive Warren, I think you do, I think I do.

He's going to say, now, hold on, though.

There's more, isn't there?

Have you jumped the gun there, really?

Go on, mate.

Carry on.

So is it by a bus?

So he's.

Yeah, is it by a bus and that?

The titles come up.

It's got you, right?

She's devastated.

She's

fed up.

She's devastated and that.

Doctor says

Clive's dead.

And who's playing the doctor?

Jack Nicholson House?

Sort of, what's that fella who was in Independence Day?

Will Smythe?

No,

the old black fella.

Morgan Frewman.

Yeah.

Get him in.

Morgan Freeman.

He says,

your husband's dead.

Right.

She's like, oh, God.

What happens then is, he says, but listen,

what we can do now.

We can take the brain out.

Right, right.

And a fact that I'd read that day before the meeting, this and in the film now, this is me.

Right, but lucky, yeah, luckily.

I read a thing about how the brain can it can run on half of it.

Yeah, you've actually got a full brain.

Yeah, you can run it on half, you can run it on half, right?

So, this is this was in my mind still.

So, I thought, I'll get that in.

Well, half your mind, yeah.

So, I said, What happens is, Morgan Freeman says, Been working on this.

You can run your life on half a brain.

Right.

She's sort of a bit like, What are you telling me this for now?

My husband's just died like 20 minutes ago.

And he goes, yeah, but if we're going to do this, we've got to act quick.

She's like, do what?

He said, I'll tell you.

He says, we can, whilst his brain's not fully dead, because it stays awake for a bit when you're dead.

Oh, he's not dead then.

Fine.

No, no, but he becomes alive.

He is.

He is, but they found out that it stays awake a little bit.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, he's gone.

They've been hit by a bus.

Yeah, no, he's dead.

If the brain's dead, you are dead.

Clive Warren's dead.

And if the brain's not dead, you're not dead.

No, but it's like people in a coma.

They're dead, aren't they?

But the brain isn't dead.

No, no, no, they're not in a coma.

No, they're dead.

They come out of a coma's dead.

Alright, then he's in a coma.

He's been hit by the bus, but the chances are he's not going to come out of that coma, but his brain is still awake.

Right, okay.

So, change that.

That's easily done.

Hold on, though.

I like this fact that he's in a coma, so they're going, Look, he's definitely going to die in this coma.

Take the brain out now.

Pop the brain out.

But why is that such a weird thing when that's what they do now?

That's what they do now.

What is?

That's what they do.

What?

They do that.

What?

A brain transplant?

No, but when, like, how I've signed that donor card.

Yeah.

If anything happens to me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no such thing as a brain donor.

We've explained to you before.

Yeah, but they're working on it.

They've said something about Einstein.

They messed about with his brain for ages trying to work out if it was full of stuff.

That's what they're doing.

They're working on that.

There's loads of things that doctors are doing that we don't know about.

I've seen some weird stuff on the internet.

Yeah, I know you have.

Yeah.

I saw a programme on Channel 5 where a monkey brain was still alive and it was stuck on a stick.

You were watching the magic roundabout.

They poked it and it reacted.

Right.

So it's still alive.

It's being kept alive.

And it's only a matter of time.

What's the brain linked up to?

As long as you can link it up to the eyes and somehow so it can tell the arms and legs what to do, you're laughing.

I love that.

Imagine a team full of doctors going, well, we're going to try and explain to Carl.

Right.

Okay.

I'm going to be quick because I've got to get back.

My cousin's fixing my boiler.

As long as you can link this up to the eyes and tell the arms and legs what to do, we're laughing.

Cheers, Carl.

See you later.

Then what happens is

they say,

Do you want half of his brain in your head?

She's his brain in your head.

She says, Definitely not.

I'm having you struck off.

She starts screaming.

She calls the police.

He gets arrested.

You'd have said that years ago when people can have someone else's arm put on their body and stuff.

Yeah, but he's only in a coma.

Yeah.

No, No, but he's not going to come out of that coma.

So it's like this or nothing.

It's like, look, you know, what we're going to do here, we can either turn the switch off or we can put his head in your head.

But why would she?

So what he does.

So what they do then, they're going to take half his brain.

Half of his brain, put out half of hers, pop it in place.

Why would she do that?

Because she loves him.

But hold on.

Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What would she then be?

Because this is what I'm trying to tell you.

Okay, okay, sorry.

What happens is he explains all this to her.

I mean, this would probably cover about 20 minutes in the film, but I'm just rushing it.

No, you wasn't.

This bit would have you.

Well, I'd have actually left when I wouldn't have even gone in to see a film starring Clove Warren and Rebecca De Morney,

unless it was 1985.

So the thing is,

she's the same as you.

She says the same thing.

She goes, Why would I do that, Doctor?

And he goes, Well, what will happen is he's gone,

but you'll have his thoughts.

So in the morning, when you say, Oh, I don't know what to have, only I have corn flakes.

His bit of the brain will sort of stuff.

Have a wheat a bit.

I've shredded wheat or whatever.

And she's like, Oh, yeah, good idea.

Sorry, sorry.

So, the point of this film is that

the dead man can remind her what breakfast cereal she likes.

So, the thought was.

What do you mean, yes?

So, that's it, is it?

No, no, no, no, that's not the only thing.

Oh, wait a minute, this is only act one.

That's just the first bit, everything's going well.

She has it done.

So, what is what?

Who is she?

Is she herself?

She's Rebecca Nimournay, yeah.

But now,

with him chipping in with a bit of voiceover.

So, so the idea is it's it's all going well at the beginning.

So she can't decide what to do.

So she's had half of her brain taken out and put in a bin, okay?

And Clive Warren's half has been put in there.

So now she's walking round.

Okay.

So she's like she's schizophrenic.

Oh, no, no, no, it's okay though, because the bit they put in of Clive Warren's brain is actually immersing a coma.

So there's nothing happening anyway, don't worry about it.

So all she's got is half a brain.

No, like I say, the brain is alive, so it's all going well when she leaves hospital and she gets her first taste of it, and it's a bit weird to get hold of, because because she's sort of, I think when she signs herself out, he's sort of fighting, writing his name and stuff.

So there's a few sort of technical things that she has to get used to.

And does Clive's brain know that he's now inside her brain?

Does that matter?

Well, I would say it matters because otherwise...

Yes, it does matter, Carl.

What's he thinking?

I mean, what's the point of this?

Why has she gone along with this?

Because she really loves him.

But what's in it for him?

What does she think of?

Well, say if I died, Suzanne said, go on, I'll have half of Carl's.

Right?

She would wake up in the morning to a thought of me sort of going, oh, you never guess what I've just thought about or whatever.

I'd still be there.

But she wouldn't ever do that.

The rest of your body is sort of waste, isn't it?

The rest of your body is sort of waste.

No, it is, kind of.

When someone dies, it's not that person anymore, is it?

They're still there physically.

Yeah.

But you go, you can't have a chat with them.

So if you could have someone's brain in your head when they're dead, you'd have it, wouldn't you?

What are you talking about?

Why would I have someone's brain in my head when they're dead?

I've got a perfectly good brain.

Yeah.

So, but like I said, you're running on half.

So I've

running on half.

So you're telling me you wouldn't have it done then?

Of course I fucking wouldn't.

I could also categorically state I wouldn't either.

Yeah, but you're saying that now, but once you're in that position that someone who, you know, you love and that dies, if the doctor said, do you want it?

No!

And I'd go, no, it's madness.

I don't think you're going to be madness.

All right, all right, all right.

Let me just ask this as a question, even if we accept this as a possibility.

If Clive Warren doesn't know that he's in Rebecca's brain, their love and the conversations they used to have and what would the connection between them is going to be absent because she's going to be talking to him and he's just going to be going, I don't know, shredded wheat.

It's all thought.

She's not to talk about it.

So they're not talking to one another.

Well, they are, but not out loud.

She's not walking down the corridor going, what do you think, Clive?

And he's saying, shredded wheat.

It's just, it's happening.

Right.

But how is this this dramatic?

So they turn it on screen.

Do we hear those voices?

So now you hear the voices.

You hear the voices.

You hear the voices.

So

tell me a typical bit of dialogue.

Well, we've done the breakfast scene.

Yeah, that was dynamite.

Yeah.

That's fucking Oscar winning.

Yeah, let's do it.

Can we do lunch?

There may be like at the funeral, because even though the brain's still alive, they still have the funeral, and you can have like a funny bit where they stood around the grave, and like there's some relation there who he doesn't like, and she can start laughing.

And the family are looking at her going, why is she laughing?

Yeah.

And she's sort of laughing and he's saying something a bit rude, going, Look at her head.

Do you know what I mean?

Stuff on the family, yeah, little cameo for you,

yeah, and uh, so you have all that, and people are sort of liking the film, thinking, Oh, it's quite funny, that's

the H people that have gone to See, yeah, Rebecca the Morning and her family, Clive Warren's three mates,

all right, Clive, I didn't know you were a film star, no, no, I was working in a garage yesterday, yeah, I was fixing boilers

anyway, this is where you get them.

It is the most ludicrous idea for film I've ever heard.

It's the maddest.

Honestly, it really is the ramblings of a mentor case.

Right, I have to say though, I am hooked now.

I want to know what's going to happen next in the story.

Oh, Christ.

Remember, I was making all this up.

It's not based on a true story, then.

Remember, imagine if we said that in a meeting.

Remember, I'm making all this up.

And they go, all right.

Oh, okay.

I thought, I thought, oh.

So the meeting's still going on.

They haven't left at this point.

No, no, they were sort of going, oh, right, yeah.

But what annoying me.

Jen, please.

Jen,

that's the annoying thing.

It was like, I just wondered whether this is what they do just so they can have a cake every day at four o'clock.

Because it was odd.

I can't imagine Spielberg sort of nipping down to Costa Coffee to discuss E.T.

So

I said, right, so this is where you get them.

You've got everyone laughing, and that's what it's all about with a film, innit?

It's emotions, messing with people's emotions, and that.

So they liked that.

They were like, yeah, it is, yeah.

And there you go again.

That's the outlook to her filmmaking.

That's my mouth coming out with stuff that even I didn't know I knew.

Yeah.

So

then I said, um, I said, right, then what happens is

she hears the voice go,

Leslie, where are you?

Something.

Right.

Her name's not Leslie.

No.

No.

I was thinking, who's Leslie?

Yeah.

So in her mind, she's going, who's Leslie?

He's going, oh.

So he's thought, hang on, I've let something slip.

I've let something slip.

So she's going on to me.

Oh, he goes quiet on her.

Oh.

So.

He was having an affair.

This is the thing.

So she's trying to hunt down.

Leslie.

Leslie.

And he's got to stop her thinking it.

Then what happens is, I mean, you know.

Where are your becks?

So he's got to hunt down Leslie.

So she's got to hunt down Leslie.

Right.

And that can fill about half an hour again.

I love the fact that you're doing it.

How far you've got through the film.

Yeah, you've got to fill up two hours, right?

So one more idea.

We call it half an hour.

That's the end of the film.

See you later.

Starring Clive Warren.

So nice to see you back in the morning again, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

So Leslie has got to be sort out.

It's a woman, is it?

Leslie or is it?

It's another woman.

But what happens is, I mean, without ruining the end for everyone.

What would sort of happen is...

Oh, yeah, because you don't want to ruin it for us.

This will be filling the multiplexes in no time.

Yeah, this film's definitely going to get mad.

This is definitely going to get mad.

Seriously, isn't anything.

Pick a massive Hollywood film and look at it on paper and go, that's a barme idea.

Casablanca.

I haven't seen it.

Okay.

So what I'm saying is,

that's why they called on him as a movie expert.

This is a different sort of love triangle.

They've all got their own brains and legs and stuff walking around interacting normally.

But that's just it.

It's the power of love, isn't it, in a way?

Yeah.

But sorry, I mean, I don't want to see.

No, it's the greatest love story ever told set in the head.

But listen, let's just say.

Hang on a second though, Carl.

I don't.

Yeah, you've got to tell us the end.

I don't think you can let people

come on

waiting for the film.

Just let your mouth talk.

Right, so what I said was, I said maybe, because I wasn't sure about this end bit.

I thought they might think it's daft or whatever.

You're putting yourself down.

I imagine it's dynamite gone.

I said maybe you could have something like this.

And they were there sort of going, oh yeah, what's it going to be?

Translate,

he's come up with some great stuff at the moment.

What happens is his brain

is more powerful than hers.

Right.

How is there power?

I don't.

Why is there no power involved?

It's got a stronger will.

What I mean is the brain,

her brain was running the rest of her body.

Now he's taking

his brain's just sat there, innit, thinking stuff.

Right.

Brilliant.

So that gets more powerful and overrules her body.

Okay.

Yeah.

She then fancies Leslie.

So it's a lesbian.

Hold on.

This is building up to a lesbian love.

What the?

Well, it's trendy, innit?

So just have a bit of that at the end.

That is the worst idea I have ever heard for any piece of art.

I mean,

it would be the worst TV show, worst book, worst everything.

It's the worst idea.

It's not the worst idea, because

as long as a film makes you think.

This doesn't make us think about anything.

I'm thinking, who the fuck's Clive Warren?

So hold on.

So he overpowers her, so she is now a lesbian.

What's Leslie getting out of this?

Why does Leslie think?

Hold on.

my dead lover's wife coming onto me?

Because this is what I'm saying to you.

It's

relationships,

it's a love of two brains.

Right, okay.

Again, can anyone out there, can we make that into it?

That's a quote.

The relationships is a love of two brains.

He's got something there.

He's got something there.

But my point is this: why is Leslie suddenly turned lesbian?

Because she loves the brain.

But does she know this is Clive Warren?

Um,

well maybe maybe now and again Rebecca or Clive

says something Rebecca will say something now and again like oh I like me

I like me, you know, my food done like this or whatever and and it's all about say say if like

wait a minute Clive Warren on this food cut yeah I'm in two minds about this bacon.

I'm going to turn into

people shredded wheat.

People like what they like.

And it's the same way, like I've said to you before, with someone who's been going out with a woman and then has found out that she's got a twin sister and they divorce that first twin and go out with the other twin.

It's all the same.

You're after the same thing, aren't you?

Yes, but that.

When a cat dies, you buy another one.

It's the same thing.

You want that same thing.

Yeah, but you don't necessarily switch your sexual orientation.

In the case of your twin scenario, they both look the same.

Yeah.

Has there ever been one where it's a twin twin boy and girl?

Well, I was going out with her, but I mean, he looks a bit like her.

I loved boobs, now I like cock.

Well, this is your problem.

You don't know anything.

And this theory about if your mouth talks enough, the brain will kick in soon.

It hasn't.

Rick, you may be interested to know that Carl Pilkington,

basically, thanks to the efforts of your good self in making him into a household name, has got a book deal.

And there's a book that will be coming out later in the year called Happy Slapped by a Jellyfish by Kyle Pilkington.

What's that about, Kyle?

What's the angle?

Is it a novel?

Well, again, I just was letting my mouth sort of think and what I was churning stuff out and I was thinking about holidays that I've been on because they always say write about what you know and stuff.

So I thought, well, I've been on a few holidays.

Write about them.

I actually thought about it when I was on holiday.

Is it a real is it like a a travel book then?

It's your experiences.

It's just like

a rough guide.

And have you done it?

Have you finished the?

Yeah, I've just got to do some pictures and that and colour them in.

And then it's done.

When's that out?

October.

Yeah.

So you say it's a travel book, and yet I've managed to get hold of a few pages.

And this chapter is titled Australia.

Have you never been to Australia?

No, no.

But it's not how is it a travel guide?

No, it's not like wish you were here type thing.

It's just saying, if you're going away, think about it.

It's just asking people to sort of think about it.

Well, why don't they just let their mouth do the thinking?

Why not?

No, but just have a read of my thoughts and you're not going to be able to do that.

So you don't know anything about Australia because you've never been.

No, but exactly.

So I'm saying, I've never been.

This is why I've never been.

Is this why you've never been?

Well, that makes no sense at all.

It makes no sense at all.

It's a pointless book.

It's not a pointless book.

Sorry, whereas you thought it was going to be what?

Right, can we read a bit of it then?

So this is the chapter entitled Australia.

Box jellyfish, crocodiles, snakes, blue-ring octopus, red-black spiders, funnel web spiders, great white sharks.

Just some of the reasons that put me off going to Australia.

Every creature is bigger and angrier than anywhere else on the world.

I put it down to two things.

One, it could either be because spiders and snakes and the like normally hide under rocks.

The Earth is one big rock.

Australia's at the bottom of the big rock, and they're trying to hide under it.

Ah!

Carl!

You are a maniac!

I'm just thinking about it, thinking about where spiders go and that, and that works, doesn't it?

No!

Why doesn't that work like that?

Because there's no real upside down and bottom of the earth, is it?

It's all relative to what?

It's relative to what?

A map that you saw.

Well, it's a coincidence, isn't it?

No, no, okay, read on.

I've heard that a lot of people go camping in Australia, which I think's mental.

If I was to fly all that way, I'd want a decent bed.

Plus, I wouldn't be camping in a place where there are killer spiders wandering around.

I agree.

I've only been camping a few times, and each time I was glad when it was over.

The last time was last year in Lyme Regis.

Yeah.

When did you go camping in Lime Regis?

Last year.

It's alright, Lime Regis.

But it was all a bit of a nightmare, because I was going with my mate, and

he said he knew someone who knew someone who had a bit of land in the garden.

Who had a bit of land in the garden?

What's the point, though, isn't it?

You know, you're camp.

What's the point of camping in someone's garden where there's a sort of like a spa down the road and like a garden?

No, because you're by the sea, aren't you?

It's getting away from it all, seeing the world.

It's not if you're in someone's front garden.

No, back.

Oh, sorry.

Well, there's even less to see, except three fences.

No, but it's private, innit?

So the thing is, he said, oh, it's a great garden.

The owners are away, and there's a toilet, an outside toilet that they have for like when they have parties and stuff.

So we get there, and this lad who knew about this bit of land.

Someone's back garden?

Well, yeah.

Said, Oh, you can't use it, they haven't gone on holiday.

So now you're stuck in the middle of quite a big civilized connurbation called Lime Regis.

How are you going to survive?

Well, we ended up just sort of clipping on the beach.

Did he pitch your tent on the beach?

Put the tent on the beach.

We found a bit of.

See, we found somewhere where there was a load of rubbish.

So we thought.

That's the place to go.

Yeah,

the municipal tip.

What was it?

Was it chemical waste or just like, you know,

just syringes and stuff?

But listen, though, you've got to think about that.

Rusty.

What's it rusty?

If there's rubbish there, it means it was a good place to camp.

Why?

Why?

Because other people have camped there.

Right.

So that's how you've got to look at it.

That's like a little tip of.

I would love this to be a real side.

So you could have slept in a public lavatory.

Yeah, yeah.

This one's nice.

What?

It's covered in shit.

It means other people have had a shit here.

Welcome to our five-star hotel.

You'll notice vomit over all the fucking walls.

That means people have had a good time here.

They got right pissed up and threw their lungs up.

So that's where we put down the tent.

We

put down the tent there.

And then what was annoying?

He puts down the tent.

What's her name?

It was already up.

They carried it all the way there and they went, let's pack it down.

The weird thing was, as soon as we set up, some other people turned up.

Oh, they saw the rubbish tip.

Holidaymakers, that was probably in the guidebook.

They started setting up their tents.

No,

there's some nappies over there.

Near the nappies.

And they offered us some sausages.

Alright.

My mate said, oh, ignore them.

That's like code for swingers.

What?

So there were some people cooking some sausages saying, would you like a sausages?

We've made too much.

And you said, no,

you can't talk to strangers.

It's like we want to get away from it all.

We don't want someone.

You know, it starts off with sausages, doesn't it?

But what are these people look like?

They were about 45.

Who are they, though?

A man and a woman.

A man and a woman.

So what was in it for the bloke?

Some people like that, don't they?

You say, right, I want the bald one, love.

If it was like wife swapping,

should one of you be a wife?

No, but I don't know all the rules and that, but.

He's just got a real thing for fucking oranges.

We didn't want any sausages anyway, so we just sort of saw it.

I don't believe sausages is a code for swingers.

Because eventually, how many times do they give someone sausages and they go, well, get your pants off, and they go, wait a minute, we just had some sausages?

They go, oh, this isn't working, this code.

But why would that be a code?

Why would we be being offered sausages?

Because they're nice people and they're making sausages.

Yeah.

Makes you wonder.

Let's not trust these people.

Let's move our tent nearer to the corpse.

So, yeah, that was the camping.

I think I'd quite like to meet some proper Aborigines.

It amazes me the way that these people still live like cavemen did years ago.

They waste nothing.

They have a use for everything.

I saw some pictures in the paper about some tribe somewhere who chucked their spears at a helicopter that tried to land close to them.

If the tribe got annoyed with you, they would let you know that they were annoyed by shaking their knob at you.

That's what they do.

Oh,

God.

So that's that's like a proper guide thing.

Just in case you ever meet one, they start doing that.

Carl just ends that chapter by saying, I don't know what the women do if they get annoyed.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Within this new Carl book, of course, there are extracts from his famous diary.

Uh this is You've actually been to Madeira, have you?

Yeah.

Okay, so this is a bit more of a factual factually accurate, informative chapter on Madeira.

September thirtieth.

Going away with Suzanne's mum and dad.

We're meeting them at Madeira Airport as they're flying in from Manchester.

The plane was full and I had a headache.

There was a baby sat behind us that was crying its eyes out for the whole flight.

The mother of it said it was upset'cause its ears were hurting.

So were mine.

We had to get two cabs to the villa because they couldn't fit five of us into one.

It cost 85 euros each.

That's just whinging.

That's not anything.

That's day, though, isn't it?

It's a day away.

But it's not a good one because they don't know how far that was.

They don't know whether that's ripoff or how, you know.

It's just letting you know that.

What?

You don't know what the distance was.

If it was a mile, it's a rip-off.

If it was 25 miles, it's a bargain.

And you know, you can't get five of you in one cab.

It's all little, little things that might help you on a journey.

Yeah.

Suzanne's dad said he liked the free biscuits that were in the cupboard.

We went to try and find a baby.

Sorry, this isn't useful as a guidebook at all.

That is absolutely in that.

I know.

They're going by the guidebook.

Oh, Suzanne's dad liked the free biscuits in the cupboard.

And most people complain, you know, and they're going to be like, there's no free biscuits in this cupboard.

We went to try and find a supermarket.

Suzanne's man was having a go at her dad because he didn't have a shirt on.

She said he looks a mess and is embarrassed to be seen with him.

It's their Ruby anniversary tomorrow.

That's why we went away.

Oh, yeah.

I bought a fan to put in our room to drown out the sound of the mopeds.

I've heard Wayne Rooney does the same thing with a vacuum cleaner.

What?

To drown out the sound of vacuum cleaners or he puts a vacuum cleaner in his room?

If you've just got a noise

that's constant,

it makes you nod off.

And it drowns out every other background noise.

So all you've got is like, if if it's a VAC, it's just

and if that's constant for like all night, you just nod off.

People next door around they've got their vacuum cleaner on again.

Put on the JCB.

People next door around, they've got the JCB on.

But poke the chickens.

That's how nuclear wars start.

Yeah.

It works.

Doesn't work.

Earplugs drown out everything.

I've tried them.

I didn't like it, did I?

Why not?

Because I could hear my heartbeat.

Oh, you're such a strange little creature.

We watched Jerry Maguire in Spanish.

Suzanne wanted to go to bed, but I just said I wanted to hear the show-me-the-money line in Spanish to see if it's as catchy.

It wasn't.

October 3rd.

Sorry, sorry, it's Portuguese or Spanish.

I don't know what they're speaking in this country.

Madeira.

So it's Spanish and Portuguese, is it?

But it's Portuguese, isn't it?

I think there's a mix.

I think you get people going Polish.

Yeah, but you get Spanish people going there.

So they sometimes show television programmes for possible Spanish holiday makers.

Is that what you're saying?

Or have you just got this factually inaccurate'cause it's a load of old toss?

Oh, God.

Amazing.

October 3rd.

Didn't do much this morning.

Just think about this.

Just think about this.

Why would you put it in as a holiday?

Just think about this next line.

Judith Chalmers, what happened?

Not a lot.

Think about this, Rick, as a description of a holiday.

Right, okay.

As Carl said, he loves to go travelling.

It broadens the mind and everything.

This is what he did.

He's there with his family.

He's in Madeira.

Didn't do much this morning.

Just sat by the pool saving insects that flew into it.

I'm going to die!

Like fucking Noah.

That's right.

You see, nothing goes.

How were you saving them?

Did you wait for them to hit the water, then fish them out, or you grabbed them in the air?

Just see the legs going.

Oh, God.

Stop my finger on the top.

They grabbed on, lifted it off.

And what?

When they're like some sort of insect lifeguard, you'd see someone landing, they'd go, right, that's me.

Dan, then, dad,

dad, dad.

And you'd go in there.

But it's hard to turn sort of a blind eye to stuff like that because you know that's something, you know, you're witnessing death.

And if you can save something, you do, don't you?

You do your bit.

And at night, I'd sort of think, have they learned the lesson, or will they be back?

And will they be dead in here tomorrow?

But if they can get an extra day, I've done my bit.

I can't do more than that.

I'm on holiday.

Do your bit.

I'm lucky enough to see the world.

Do your bit.

I love it.

I did my bit.

I love it.

I love it.

I love the fact that he was running around saving flies and things.

It's just something.

There's something so sort of.

Beatwow!

An old lady drowned.

Yeah.

Well, he was saving a beetle.

There's something so kind of, I don't know, desperately existential about your diary.

That's what's so extraordinary about it.

As he says, I just sat by the pool saving insects that flew into it.

It was full of death.

It's just

so depressing, isn't it?

We walked round the shops.

Suzanne's dad bought two packets of the biscuits he'd liked to take back home with him.

Suzanne's man bought a tin of corned beef.

It was a bit of a boring day today.

Jesus.

There was a dead bird out the back.

Oh, no.

Where were you, Carl?

Suzanne's dad said it looked like it had flown into a wall and killed itself.

No, I think it caught a few insects, but they were covered in chlorine, so it poisoned it.

Loads of ants were eating it.

Oh, God.

I dug a hole under a tree and buried it.

That ants were still all hanging around the scene of the death, ages after the burial.

Suzanne's dad said I should have left the bread for the ants to eat'cause I was messing up the food chain.

I felt bad, so I gave the ants some bread crumbs.

This is weird.

This is just silly.

This is really weird.

It's good bread out there, though, isn't it?

I should have put that.

We have to eat all the food we've got because we're going home tomorrow.

Suzanne's ma'am cut her finger opening the corned beef tin and fainted.

But sorry, this is really weird.

Why do you have to eat all the food?

Isn't this like

what's that film, the amateurville horror, where there's like a haunted house and there's dead insects and ghostly children walking through the corridors,

old people fainting, insects.

I'm just saving the insects, mother.

But you always eat all the food that's in the fridge before you go home, aren't you?

It's all there to be eaten.

She bought some piclets, which I've never had them.

They like squash crumpets.

Right, okay.

Start again.

Start the whole thing again.

She bought some what?

Some piclets.

Piclets?

Yeah.

And I didn't like them because they're not as fat as crumpets.

Oh, God.

I just look at different names.

And it was a big upheaval because, like, I was going home, and her dad kept trying to sneak them into our bags.

Because it's like, they were for you, you take them.

We don't want your stuff in our house because it gets a bit funny about stuff being left over.

There's bins that you can't put certain stuff in.

There's a bin in the lounge, and I put a tangerine peel in it.

He goes, that sort of stuff does not go in that bin.

It's rubbish.

Yeah, but it's not the right sort of rubbish.

Someone will camp next to it.

We want to get a better class of camper.

That's the book.

It's called Happy Slap by a Jellyfish.

Yeah, that's from one of the chapters, in it.

By Carl Pilkinton.

Get that soon.

Particularly if you're thinking of visiting Madeira or Australia.

Yeah.

Well, that's about it.

Thanks for listening to this.

If you enjoyed this and you haven't heard the others, we've got the whole all-three series on iTunes.

You can go and download those.

The Ricky Givet Show, is that what it's called?

It's called The Ricky Giovanni Show.

Yeah.

Carl's also made a programme for me, Steve,

on my fame DVD

out in November.

It's called Fame.

So I thought we'd all title Fame, I'm Gonna Live Forever.

Remember that guy we met who's gonna live forever called Howard?

Yeah,

that was a meeting of mine's, and it's um, it's it's Carl meeting Howard, and it's

really good, isn't it?

It's really good, and um, they do, he really gets on with him.

And um, we're probably gonna do a new series of the podcast maybe next year.

What do you think, Carl?

If you're not too busy making this film with Clive Warren, uh, we'll see how it goes, don't plan anything, yeah.

Just check out RickyGervais.com.

I am Ricky Gervais with me, Stephen Merchant.

Goodbye, and Carl.

All right.