Guardian S4E3 "The Podfather, Part III: Christmas" (December 24, 2006)

The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.

Hello, and welcome to our Christmas podcast with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello, and Carl Pilkinton.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

A lot of people are wondering, Rick, if having done so many podcasts this year, because we very much started the whole podcast revolution ourselves single-handedly, roughly this time last year.

Yeah, that's right.

Have we perhaps exhausted the podcast phenomenon?

Is it time to pack it up, pack up the equipment, and move on to something new?

Well, this will be the last one for a little while, I think.

I think, you know, we've done, we did, I think, 24 and then these specials this year.

I think we started it about this time last year.

Well, I don't know about you, Rick, but I'm bored of the whole podcasting thing, and I know that you probably feel the same way.

Well, let's stop for a while.

We might get back together again, but it won't be for a while.

It's the

you know, we had a year, it was the year of the podcast.

A word year, on it.

Go on.

No, I'm just saying, you know, when you look at it like that, when you think about all the podcasts that we've done

over a year,

a lot of stuff has gone on.

Looking back at the year, a year in which we've seen, you know,

increasing violence in Iraq, we've seen

the advent of more fears over global warming, we've seen George W.

Bush take a massive battering battering in the midterm elections.

We've seen many major world events this year.

Carl, what stuck out for you?

What event

do you, if you think, oh my god, if you were doing your own review of the year, what would you put on the front cover?

Uh the the grub that was that was eating biscuits on the windowsill,

right?

That's just a little bit more up there for you than the capturing of Saddam Hussein and he's sentencing to death.

Just because, you know, it's uh I never thought I'd see that this year.

So, what exactly?

What the capture of Saddam or the grub?

No, the grub.

The grub.

It was just, I was there on the computer.

I was having a cup of tea and a biscuit.

I put the biscuit on the windowsill.

I sort of picked it up.

Why would you do that?

Why would you put a biscuit on a windowsill?

Because I'm sat next to the windowsill.

It's like something from a cartoon.

I put the pie on the windowsill to cool down.

Yeah.

Some ruffian stole it.

So I was eating that and I was enjoying it.

Put the rest of it back down for like the next half of the cup cup of tea.

And I saw it out.

Well, we read about this later in the diary.

So, and then I saw just like a little crumb moving.

I was like, what's going on there?

So, I looked down closer, and there's an insect that is see-through but with legs,

and

just sort of running off with a crumb

into like a little hole.

And then, when I looked, I noticed there were loads of these little see-through things,

and they were obviously all like, Oh, we got biscuit.

And

that's exactly what they were saying.

We've got

biscuits over here.

Come on,

like I say, but it was amazing because it was they're miles away from what I'm about, and yet not that far.

But they still like a bit of biscuit, and it was just weird that that happened.

I never thought that would happen in 2006.

You never thought that would happen in 2006.

That's what's nice, isn't it?

That's what's nice about the nate, you know, the nature of the world.

You know, we can invent iPods, We can bring out better vacuum cleaners.

But at the end of the day, you can't make nature up.

And to see this see-through thing

eating a biscuit,

that's where I've sort of gone this year.

I'd say out of anything, I've sort of gone out of my way to learn more stuff about weird stuff that's happening.

I don't know what you've learned.

You've learned that

a creature which you can't even identify on.

You don't know, right?

You don't know what it is, or

look like it nipped a bit of crumb.

I don't know what knowledge is that.

What is that?

How is that useful?

Just because everything is changing.

But it's not useful.

It's not useful to you, and it's not useful to anyone else.

You can't pass on that as knowledge because you don't know what it was

where it happened or why it happened.

But, Rick, Carl thinks that the grub has an inkling, has a taste for McVitis in the same way that Carl's does.

That's why he's from Ace.

He's thinking, I can't believe it.

We both love hobnobs.

As opposed to just being taking the stars and the flower.

Exactly, yeah.

But what I'm saying is

that these things have been around for years.

Yes.

Maybe longer than us.

Yes.

Right?

Now,

their life isn't changing in the way that ours have.

They still live in a little crack in the wall.

Yeah.

But they're eating biscuit.

And that was never meant to happen.

So it's changing it.

What I mean is you might start getting fat insects.

That should never have happened.

You don't normally see a fat beetle.

You go, oh, that's a bit fat.

Put a bit of weight on.

And now that's going to happen because they're eating sugary stuff.

The squirrels in the park, because people are feeding on Mars bars and everything.

They're getting fatter, they're getting bigger, they're getting more violent.

Now, over time,

you know, they're going to cause more trouble in the air.

What happens if you go to the bottom?

Just because when I'm sat in the park and what have you, they really like cocky.

They come up to you now and sort of jump up on the bench and sort of attack you for food.

They're not happy with acorns now, they want a bit of croissant.

And that's that's what I'm saying.

They've changed, they're changing over time.

Just like that grub having a biscuit, everything's trying different food out.

You'll want a gatto soon.

Well, in the same way that you look at people around the world, how they're eating weirder stuff, they're running out of ideas on how to cook food differently.

And we're eating weird stuff, so are insects.

Everything's moving on, everything's getting more intelligent.

The goldfish memory's got better.

Chickens are more intelligent than people thought they were, apparently.

Everything's time, time makes you more intelligent.

Well, no, they do.

That's that's a fact, isn't it?

If you're knocking around longer,

then you're learning more because more stuff's going on, and you soak it up.

And that's what these insects are doing.

They're all learning.

You know what I mean?

No.

I saw a cockroach playing Pac-Man.

It was on the internet, right?

And somebody linked up a cockroach to uh

some I can't even be bother explaining it, but but uh

but that's what I'm saying everything everything's moving on.

Yeah, but but Pac-Man's like such an old hat game man, it's like from the 1980s.

Cockroach is so

good.

Get alive, man.

Hello, PlayStation 3.

Hello!

Hello!

Yesterday's cockroach.

Oh, fucking hell.

What was he listening to, MC Hammer?

Christ Almighty.

Fucking hell, Pac-Man.

Get alive.

High five.

I was in the supermarket recently.

Just

walking past the condoms

on the way to the pornography.

And

I thought, you know, it's worth perhaps, you know, getting a stock in.

Get a stocking?

No, getting some condoms.

What to put over your head?

You're not still doing that, are you?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No,

I thought it was worth getting some condoms in.

You know, it's this Christmas party season, and you never know when you're going to run out of balloons.

And I was weird, because the condoms in the supermarket are contained in a kind of cage, in a plastic cage.

So it makes it all the more embarrassing buying them.

Because I took them off the thing, and I was trying to open it.

Because I thought that

you had to open it,

try it on.

In case it doesn't fit, bring it back.

Yeah.

Bring it back, yeah.

And uh,

do you do autorations?

Yeah, we do, yes, five pounds.

And um, so I'm trying to open this thing, and and this guy who works there, sort of with this middle-aged guy who works there, he goes, You know, you have to um you have to take that to the uh checkout.

So you can't open that yourself.

Because I don't know, I still find it very embarrassing, you know, dealing with any of that sort of you know, prophylactics and things.

The novelty of that is still very embarrassing to me.

And so I just left it.

I thought, forget it, I'm not gonna take these to to the counter.

Because you never.

It's like if you get served by a woman, it's still a bit embarrassing.

Particularly if that's all you're buying.

Because she knows what you're up to.

You're going to fill her up with war and throw her in students.

And but anyway, the reason I mentioned this is because it reminded me of the conversation we've all enjoyed in the past, Rick, about when Carl bought for his girlfriend for Christmas,

was it a

two-pack of

condoms?

Wasn't it about buy one, get one free?

Yeah.

It was a bumper

family pack, wasn't it?

Not a family, obviously.

That'd be

weird.

A family pack of condoms.

One for the kids.

Don't enjoy yourselves.

But.

So that was a couple of years ago, Carl, the famous condom gate.

Have you butted your ideas up since then?

Not really.

They were the early days.

Do you mean the early days?

You'd been going out with her for about eight years, hadn't you?

Yeah, yeah, but I just think that as time goes on, you don't sort of buy each other as many presents.

Oh, so sorry, that was a bumper year, was it?

That was a hell of a.

She went, oh, I remember when you used to buy me stuff, like condoms.

It's gone downhill since then.

Well, no, she wasn't.

She was getting them.

What I mean is there's less.

Of course she didn't.

That's what I mean, though.

It was sort of interesting when I gave them her and said, there you go, open them.

She was not expecting that.

And as time goes on.

No, she was probably expecting a piece of jewellery or a holiday in Paris.

It's more difficult, is what I mean, to surprise someone, innit over.

No, but no, no, no, no, no, but the surprise thing is meant to always be a good surprise, yeah.

But don't if if you're if you always get something good, it's like the three wise men, what did they get the second year for getting favourite Jesus?

Do you know what I mean?

Once he's had that gold, it's like oh

I've sort of made it hard work for myself there.

I've got to get to get him something better than that now.

So it's best to give him the myrrh.

And next year, get in the gold, gold.

Step it up a bit or whatever.

But don't you understand?

Because

I don't want to criticise you because you're a lovely man, but having read the diary and read much of this diary, one of the things I notice is the complete lack of romanticism.

The number of times Suzanne says, Book us a lovely meal out, take me out tonight, and you always write like it's a massive chore, like it's a headache for you.

Oh no, I've got to spend a romantic night out with my girlfriend.

Because it's the same reason I don't like Christmas and stuff, is the expectations.

I prefer it.

If I want to take Suzanne out, I prefer to meet her at the bus stop and she comes back from work and go, Do you want to go out?

But you don't have to.

No, I do now and again, but it's that thing of, oh, we'll go out tonight.

I want to leave it to you, book a place.

It builds it up too much, and it can never live up to it.

It's like how you know, like, people make a big thing out of having it away for the first time, and they go, Oh, I'm going to do that tonight.

Not the way to do anything.

You won't get anything done by planning.

That's a quote.

That's an amazing quote.

Love me up there with Newton and Churchill.

You don't get anything done by planning.

No, but like

I said, you can't just spring it on someone.

You have to at least ask, are you up for it tonight?

Just see how it goes.

That's what I'm saying about Christmas.

I might not be in the mood for it on December 25th.

For Christmas, having turkey and everything.

That's what I mean.

About, you know, in the last podcast, stuff coming round every year.

Don't plan it.

If you fancy a Christmas, have it.

If you don't, don't, just carry on.

It'd be nice to live in a world like that.

They say, you know, it's a world of freedom or something.

Now it isn't.

No, I don't know what that means.

You just make up things they say.

They say, like, you know, today's world is a free world or something.

Someone said something along them lines.

When it isn't,

everyone's still being told what to do, when to do it.

Christmas is a big thing, isn't it, that we all have to go through.

And it's stressful.

It's a miserable sod.

You really are.

No, but Christmas is a big, it's a big upheaval.

Out of all of those special days that go on, Christmas is the one that's.

What are you doing with your time?

It's the question we return to again and again.

You're visiting your parents, you're hiring a car, you're going down the curve.

It's not like you're taking your work away, you're doing some important neuroscience work, and we've had to take you away from that for three days.

No, but what I'm saying.

You're not doing anything of any value, Carl.

But no, what I might want to do, but I can't because the shops are shut because they want to go off and celebrate Christmas.

You know,

it's an upheaval.

Easter's alright.

It comes and goes.

Do you want an egg?

Not really.

Don't have one then.

You're not forced an egg.

You're not forced an egg.

I like Easter, and everyone can afford an egg.

There's no one being left out.

Whereas Christmas, everyone goes back to the family and they have a big meal and all that.

And there's a lot of poor people out there who can't do that.

So it's more of a.

If you're going to talk about religion and, you know, the religious sort of occasions,

Easter's one that I'd keep.

If you plan everything, you probably won't do it in the end.

Whereas again, that as a soundbite is gobbledygook, isn't it?

No, what I mean is, say, like

holidays, when you know they're coming, you never enjoy them as much as one when it's surprised on you.

Who surprises someone with a holiday unless you win it on a game show?

How can you go, bloody hell?

I'm on holiday.

Suzanne did it with me.

She sorted it all out and booked me time off work with her.

Oh, no, that's a lovely romantic gift.

Yeah, and I went along with it, and we had a great little holiday.

Yeah, so maybe you should do something like that for.

No, she wouldn't like it as much, and I won't pick the right place.

And I know she won't like it.

You are one of these people that washes up badly, so you never be asked again, aren't you?

No, that's my job.

That's the only job I do.

It was a

well, to be honest, that's doing me head in at the moment because I've outgrown the sink.

He talks about himself like a crab.

Oh, God.

Gotta get a new sink for Carl.

Why?

He's outgrown it.

He's 33 now, and his knees are around his head.

Oh, he can't bath in that anymore.

No, just my back's been playing up a bit, and I think it's because of the height of the sink.

But hold on, you haven't grown.

I think I have.

Well, you haven't?

No, you haven't grown at 33.

Well, it's definitely something it's just not very good.

Subsidence?

I don't know.

I've just said to Suzanne, I said, this isn't as good as it used to be.

This isn't as good as it used to be.

But he's washing up.

He says he's got nothing in the flat.

That's why he has to do a shop every day because he's got nothing in the flat.

It's easier that way, isn't it?

You don't know what you're gonna want to eat.

But that's why you get a but d you don't have a different meal every day of the year, do you?

You rotate maybe uh a dozen meals, don't you?

So you can get in enough ingredients that any time you go to vision go, Oh, am I gonna have chicken?

Oh, am I gonna have fish today?

Or maybe I have some pasta.

I do that every day.

But I always come down to one of a half a dozen meals.

We've got a freezer, we haven't got a freezer, have we?

We've only got a little fridge.

Oh, you're not afraid of it.

There's nothing wrong with with looking to the supermarket.

There's nothing wrong with that.

You've got too much time on your hands, boy.

He's had one thing.

He's had to do one thing this year.

Promote the book.

Couldn't be bothered.

Couldn't be bothered, mate.

Could not be bothered.

I haven't seen Carl in interview with him.

I haven't seen him on the TV.

Oh, he was on the TV

a while back on the thing called The Culture Show on Oobsy 2.

And I'll tell you what, he was sat there, looked like a little frightened frog in a chair being interviewed.

And I'll tell you what, I'm not being funny, but his head looked fucking round.

Did it look fucking?

Yeah, yeah,

he looked like a little fucking round-headed twat,

and that's my personal opinion.

Yeah, did you enjoy that interview?

Not really.

Why?

Well, I, this is, I met a guy, funny to mention, I met a guy I was in France recently, and I met a guy, he wasn't a Frenchman, but he was over there, and he saw me, he was a bit drunk, and he came over and he went, Carl Pilkinson's got a head like a fucking orange.

I thought, and I high-five, didn't we agreed?

I thought, isn't that nice?

You know, even when you're abroad, you can find someone who speaks sense,

Yeah.

And they shaved your head more.

No.

They sort of greased it up a bit just to get a bit more reflection off it.

No, they they put a lot of makeup on it.

They said, Do you want any makeup?

and I said, Not really.

And that's when I was like at the back where they could have done it.

And then I went and sat in the chair and there's like a live audience there.

And the woman goes, No, I best do some colouring in.

And it was like, Let me give you a foot.

No, no, she started colouring me head in.

And she was I'd like some brown powder.

She's co doing my head, doing the top of it and stuff.

And I was going, isn't that enough now?

And everyone's looking and sort of laughing to themselves that I'm having my head coloured in.

Sure, she was doodling on the top.

She took longer than anyone else who she was doing.

I've watched like other people who were on.

Well, she's got more flesh to do.

When you do usually powder someone, it stops at the forehead.

You just had to go around to the fucking back.

But the camera wasn't at the back of my head.

She was just kept going.

No, the shine, the shine for the cameras, it was getting people's eyes.

You gotta be careful.

Health and safety, or the light will bounce off into the eyes of the audience, blind them.

Yeah, well, I wasn't happy with that anyway.

So I'm not doing that again.

How do you cope with this newfound um interest in you as a person?

I've got an idea, Steve, by the way.

You know,

for me, I want Carl to be famous so it gets him hassle in the street.

Yeah, that's what I'm hoping when they see him in the street with his little fucking round-headed face like a fucking orange, yeah, right?

I'm gonna do a tour next year, okay, called Fame, okay, and everywhere I play, if I hopefully play to millions of people, in you know, I might even go to America, but I'll make sure at the theatres I play,

there's a picture of Carl on the seat, right, that they can put in their window.

So next year, I want a picture of Carl

or whatever.

But if you can make this yourself, put Carl everywhere.

Have you seen this bald-headed twat?

Please make up the posters.

Just send emails to friends.

Absolutely.

I want to see pictures.

If you own a shop, but a big picture of him.

If you just, even if you're, you know,

your own home, your own flat, get it everywhere.

Have you seen this bald-headed twat?

This is Carl Pilkerton.

He's got a head like a fucking orange.

Get it everywhere.

I want to see the world papered with Carl's round head.

Happy New Year!

Oh, he's only going to write it down for a whole fucking year.

That, of course, signifies another reading from Carl's diary.

This is the last one of both 2006 and

on any podcast for a while.

Let's make the most of it.

Let's enjoy some of the wisdom.

I also think it's the last time ever he will make an entry in this diary because you're not going to keep another one are you?

I don't know yet.

I might just get a smaller one.

But I've found that since keeping a diary I've gone out of my way to do more stuff.

Well you say that

but

well let's let's find out.

Let's find out if that's true.

No but I have I read a bit in the news about people being injured while trying to cut open avocados.

It's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for.

If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

I have never bought one.

I have also avoided coconuts and pineapples.

The amount of hassle to get into these things outweighs the joys they give.

It's the same reason I never bought a pair of Dr.

Martin boots.

Too much hassle when it's time to take them off.

Yeah, a lot of my mates used to wear them in like the 80s.

You know, you can't just kick them off, can you?

It's a big upheaval.

Oh, you've got to unlace them, you know.

Yeah, I mean,

since I found shoes with Velcro on them, brilliant.

Just the way...

I don't understand why laced.

Is it because you can't tie your laces?

No, I can do it, but it's wasted time.

You're so lazy.

Wasted time.

That gives him more time to sit around and look at insects eating biscuits.

He can't take off a pair of boots for me.

Well, it's ridiculous.

He can't fit his days as it is.

No, but I don't understand how some inventions sort of catch on.

and other things don't.

But this is what I mean.

He's got too much time on his hands.

Sitting around at home thinking, why are we not using Velcro more?

But there's one Velcro manufacturer going, yes, at last.

He said what needed to be said.

Why don't you get it sponsored?

Because you could wear a Velcro toupee.

Because that would be great if we could do that.

If someone could invent a little hair piece for Carl, Velcro's the little bit of fluff he's got on the top of his head, his shiny orange-like head.

Pop a little Velcro toupee on.

I would love that.

I would love to get him wearing a wig.

But why necessarily reduce it to a toupee?

Why not some kind of carrying device?

You know, he could carry goods and things around in there, sandwiches.

Yeah, he doesn't like carrying a bag.

Well, what about that?

A little thing you carried around, a little Velcro thing you carried a pot on your head for your sort of like keys and trinkets and money and that.

Well, no, I've told you about that idea that's out there, but hasn't caught on as well.

The tie.

Right.

The tie with loads of pockets and stuff in it.

Yeah, but you've got to wear a tie.

Yeah, but that'd be quite nice, wouldn't it?

I've never worn a tie because I always think, what's the point?

It's just standing there in the way.

Can you imagine this image of Carl walking around in his big Velcro shoes, a tie with an apple stuffed in it, car keys, iPod?

No, but don't you think it's a good idea?

Would you wear it with a shirt and collar or just a t-shirt?

No, wear it with a shirt.

That's what I'm saying.

It's an invention that will smarten up the world.

Now, a tie, what does a tie do exactly?

Yeah.

What does it do?

Nothing.

Right.

So I'm saying make it do something.

But I'm saying don't wear it at all.

Pop your keys in the trouser pocket.

No, but

because the world is getting more and more scruffier, isn't it?

When you look back at it.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means.

When you look back at Victorian times and everything, everyone wore a hat.

They wore a tie, they wore a suit.

And it was a nicer-looking place to look at.

When you see it on pictures, you go, what a smart world that is.

Well, you can't see cholera and things on pictures, but sure enough.

No, but I'm just saying it's better to try and cover it up with a bit of, you know, cloth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The world looks nicer with more cloth.

Whereas now everyone's roaming about scruffily.

So what I'm saying is, if we make the tie more useful and give it a purpose, purpose, it might come back and the world will look tidier.

But a tie, its purpose is to look smart, really.

Well, originally, it was because we didn't have buttons, so it kept the collar up at the front.

That was the invention.

It was a useful invention, the tie.

It was called a tie.

It tied together, okay?

So then, when we had buttons, that we didn't really need the tie, but it was a symbol of smartness, like saying I've made an effort.

But now that would go away.

So now you wouldn't look smart with a tie.

They go, oh, look, it's like a bag around his head with his apples and oranges and his keys and his sticks he's making a nest out of.

So it would be scruffy.

It would make the tie scruffy, so it would defeat the object.

So now when you're carrying stuff round, I mean, crawling on all fours because you're shopping so heavy round your neck, they'd go, look at that scruffy fucker on all fours.

Oh, look, but look at his lovely head of hair.

It's well crafted.

Yeah, well that's the other problem, isn't it?

I can't go back to a wig now.

My theory about reading old news is right.

It's less bad when you know it's old.

It was a story about a weatherman who was fired yesterday for having a nude picture of himself on the internet.

But that happened two days ago.

He's probably got another job by now.

So old news isn't as shocking.

Well, old news isn't news, though, is it?

It's olds.

What are you doing?

Just reading the olds?

No, but what I mean is, if someone says.

Take the video on of

last week's news, I just want to catch up on the olds.

Yeah, but then it's still news.

If news is something that you don't know, isn't it?

If someone tells you, that's everything to you.

That's information, Carl, not news.

Yeah, but news is information.

And the key with news is the word new.

No, no, no.

I don't think it is, is it?

It's just information, but they tell you at 10 o'clock at night, it's like, what information's gone on?

Bong.

Here's some information.

Yeah, that you didn't know before because you couldn't have because it only happened today.

Bong.

Yeah, but never mind that.

I'll tell you in a couple of days.

It doesn't matter as long as you get the same info.

Bong.

Yeah, we can't call it news, though, because it's misleading.

We'd get done.

It's called olds.

Bong.

Yeah, but listen to me theory.

What I'm saying is that if someone in your family,

you know, I don't want it, it's Christmas and that, I don't want to bring the tone down, but someone dies in your family.

Now, say if you're away on holiday and they don't call you, because they don't want to ruin your holiday.

Then you come home and they go, Uncle Frank's dead.

And you go, oh, when did that happen?

And they go, two weeks ago.

Now, because everyone else has got over it, it's not as bad for you.

Because part of bad news is the way everyone's walking around moping, going, Oh, I've heard the news, Frank's dead.

But because everyone's got over it, time is a healer.

That's what I mean about old news.

It's better than the new news.

Yeah, but according to you, the only news that really matters is stuff that affects you.

So it doesn't matter when you.

There was an earthquake.

When was it?

Yesterday.

Phew, that's alright then.

Often the aftermath is worse than the actual event.

Two, you only care about things that actually happen to you.

So the doctor goes, you've got a kidney stone.

Oh, when did this happen?

Two weeks ago.

Oh, that's alright then.

Doesn't make sense.

No, but the world.

But you're not upset about dead Uncle Frank just because other people are upset.

You'd be upset personally.

Wouldn't make any difference when they told you.

Yeah, but it is everyone else's emotions that make it worse, I think.

Knocking around people who are miserable.

What about warnings?

What about when they do things like smog warnings or you know, there may be a.

I don't like it on the news when they sort of say news just in.

I think, oh, what's this?

You think, oh, oh, what's going on?

But it might be useful to know it.

It's important information.

No, it just makes you panic.

Yeah, but sometimes knowing stuff keeps you alive.

Yeah, I don't know if I like it.

Sirens, you say, I don't like sirens, do I?

I've said to you, I think it's a scary noise.

Well, it's meant to be, so you get out of the way.

No, no, no, it's not meant to be.

It's a sign to get out of the way.

I'd prefer it if it...

Like I've said.

Higher, could you just move out of the way?

It can be anything, as long as we know.

It can be a chicken noise.

But as long as you know,

it can freak people out.

No, but it sort of made you smile, but you go out of escape.

But you're cycling along and you hear what sounds like a giant chicken behind you.

And you smile because you know that even though someone is burning to death,

there's something clucking in my way.

That's probably a guy having a heart attack.

Going to a mum and dad's today,

I'll cut to the chase rate.

They basically, we got about four pages where they drive to his mum and dad's.

Oh, geez.

I'll skip past that because it takes fucking forever.

Got there, mum and dad, mum made him in some dinner.

The old woman next door, brackets, whose ma'am was a witch, just pop that in brackets.

Just pop that in brackets.

I think we've discussed that before, actually, the old woman whose mum was a witch.

Whose mum was a witch.

The old woman next door has been worrying because she keeps seeing adverts on the telly about changing to digital TV.

She's saying she doesn't want wires drilled into her walls because they'll make a mess.

My dad told her that it doesn't matter because it'll probably won't happen until 2012 and she'll be dead by then.

He didn't say that to her, though.

No, he did.

They've got, you know, she's old.

It doesn't, she knows she's going to die.

I mean, it's something we've all got in common.

And he's right, isn't he?

Why is she worrying about it?

Maybe that's sorted it out, put it into perspective for her.

You will be dead when this happens.

Don't be worrying about it.

But everybody worries, don't they?

You've got that little sort of hole in your head that you fill with worries.

You know, everyone's got to fill that little worry hole with worries, and that's a worry hole.

Everyone's got to fill the worry hole.

I've got to assume that there's a worry hole.

A worry hole.

I love the fact that

doctors in the middle and years would dig this up and go, humans used to have a worry hole.

Went to bed around midnight.

Suzanne and I decided to sleep tops and tails because it meant we get a bit more room.

My dad had cut a bit off the mattress to fit it between two cupboards.

It's amazing how much of a difference it makes just sawing off a bit of the mattress.

You sort of roll to the edge, but the weight of the blankets keeps you in.

This is like something from a rolled dowel book.

No, it's just, it's just,

you know, you think anything, you can sort of trim anything, can't you and it normally works but with a mattress I mean he only took off I don't know what how long that is but he's sawn off about that much on the mattress and then has stapled it back together again amazing and it just makes so much difference of course it does because the mattress is a very carefully designed object yeah you wouldn't think so though would you well you wouldn't fucking brain you know

someone took his brain out of his worry hole

he's sort of matching up so we decide to sleep tops and tails it just gets strange It's so strange.

Why?

He did it to make the room nicer with the cupboards on either side.

So he sorted a mattress in half.

Well, not in our.

Can you imagine how much hard it must be to sort a mattress in half?

What did he use?

What?

A big electric saw?

Well, it must have been, yeah, because there's a lot of springs and stuff in there.

Jesus.

So what happens to the springs?

They just spring out the side.

Well, some sort of stick out a little bit, but you're not lying on top, are you?

They come out the side.

So he's just got a bit of gaffer tape and a staple gun.

Unbelievable.

Hey, man alive.

It's like...

Does he run it as a hotel?

That's unbelievable.

There are squats with better bedding arrangements.

Well, we've had a bit of a bad thing in our house about mattresses and that, because when we first bought our

first flat in Salford, you know what it's like when you buy somewhere, you sort of haven't got any money, have you, to buy extra stuff that you need.

So we bought a bed.

Right?

But there's that rip-off thing with beds where you buy a bed, but a mattress doesn't come with it.

Which I've never understood that.

'Cause it's not a bed, is it?

Without that mattress, it's not a bed, it's a car without an engine.

You wouldn't go there, you go, Oh, that seems cheap, and there's no engine in it.

So we bought this we bought this, like, you know, uh, flat and what have you, and we bought the bed.

And then, uh,

oh, we haven't got a mattress.

So my dad got one from Uncle Alf.

No, well, from that Uncle Alf fella,'cause he had one in his van that he used to use now and again if he was like travelling round.

He'd just kip in the in the back on this mattress.

Amazing.

A girl who drove around in a van with a mattress in the back.

So Uncle Alf.

So Uncle Alf, right?

Well, tell me about Uncle Alf.

Well, you know about him is the one who slept in a dinghy.

Because his mattress was in his car.

Why didn't he go?

Oh,

Alf, where's the bed?

Left it in the car again.

Oh, blow up the dinghy.

Blow up the dinghy.

I'm not going to go out and get this.

Not at this time of night.

So anyway, my dad got me his mattress and it just stunk a diesel.

And Suzanne was like, oh, I'm not happy with this.

And I think she realised sort of what sort of family members.

She got herself into.

Wow, she landed on on her feet when she got you into it.

So now she's always a bit touchy about, you know, mattresses and things.

Unbelievable.

Uncle Alf, of course, sadly passed away when he couldn't escape from his sinking ship.

The fire engines were too late.

No one got out of the way because they were laughing too much.

The mad woman next door saw me and said, Hello, Clive, you live in a nursery rhyme.

The old man down the road, the old woman next door whose mum's a witch, Uncle Alf, who lives in a dinky

and not a real place.

It's like fucking yellow.

The children see me from unbelievable.

Oh god.

Just all of them there on this broken mattress trying to find the golden ticket.

Oh god.

Oh god.

The old fellow down the road talked to my dad a bit.

He kept bees in the back garden.

Oh for fuck's sake!

Here comes the bee man.

His Yorkie dog was knocking about when he was messing with them and it ended up getting stung 150 times.

Poor little bastard!

What is he doing?

It's not dead, but it costs a lot to get all the stings out.

I don't know why people keep dangerous pets and insects.

The amount of gear he had to wear to play with them is barmy.

I don't think he's playing with them.

He's not playing with them, is he?

Well, what is he doing then?

Well, I dunno, but I think he should get the dog the same protection.

Yeah, but but uh that's just it isn't it?

It's like you can't mix your pets.

If you've got a snake you don't have a mouse.

Do you know what I mean?

They don't get on.

And it's it's the same with them.

They don't have bees.

I can't imagine one bit of enjoyment.

The only thing he does is the honey.

And it's like, well, how much is that to buy?

It's not worth messing about wearing a big white suit just to get some honey.

There's a shop down the road.

Bees are kept for a very good reason, aren't they?

What?

For honey.

Yeah, I know, but like I say, you can buy honey for next to nothing.

Where do you think?

What do you mean?

But where does the honey come from that you buy?

Yeah, from some proper bee farm.

Let them do it.

All he's doing, he's not making loads of pots of honey.

He's looking after himself.

And the thing with honey is it doesn't go off either.

No, it doesn't know.

So

get ten bees, get the honey made, kick'em out.

But

you eat the honey, that's the point.

Yeah, no.

But

you can't eat it and then it's still there in the jar.

It's not magical.

Maybe in your word,

Uncle Fred had that never-ending jar of honey.

But how much honey do you eat?

What I'm saying is it's one of them things, innit, that you buy and you can move into a new house, buy some honey, and when you leave that house, that honey is still in the cupboard.

You don't eat that much of it.

So get ten bees, get your honey's worth.

10 bees?

Imagine keeping 10 bees.

Well, just get them to do the graft.

If you've got loads of bees, they're not all pulling the weight, are they?

Because they'll go, well, I'm not doing any because I'll leave it to the others.

If you've got 10 bees, you know that none of them are pulling the weight if there's no honey.

That's what I'm saying.

No!

No!

It's not a workhouse.

Bees don't knock around saying going, oh,

I've got a bad back.

Anyway, back to this reading from the Twits.

The news covered a story about a fish that knocked about 400 million years ago.

It was 33 feet long and had a jaw strong enough to eat a shark in one go.

All the dangerous stuff seems to die out, and yet things that you think wouldn't stand a chance, like worms, are still here, yet they have no legs or eyes.

I saw a future human in the news article the other month about the future woman.

She had three breasts.

They looked alright.

Well, no, there's not.

I can't see how that's going to ever evolve.

No, what they say about

evolving and that.

I read that

there's going to be ugly people.

People are starting to go ugly.

Yeah, they're still going to have bilateral symmetry, I imagine.

I don't know what that means, but

I'll tell you now, right?

They're talking about people who are just like, you know, you look at them and you go, look at the state of that, right?

And it'll get to a point when we're all so ugly that no one will have it away and we're just going to die out.

Well, that's not true either.

That's not true either.

That is the biggest worry.

Well, no, so

as we evolve and we change, our mindset doesn't change.

We're still going to, oh,

I wish we looked like they did a million years ago.

I don't fancy anything.

No, but look at

look how things do change.

But why are we all going to get ugly?

I don't understand.

It's just the air and stuff, isn't it?

It's just.

The air or the hair.

You know, the air that we breathe and stuff and the food we eat.

Everything's changing.

And we're not going to look that healthy.

And

we're just all going to go ugly.

You've only got to look at some stuff that's in the sea, and you think, look at the state of that.

And that's what's going to be with the human evolution.

But the stuff in the sea is still propagating.

Yeah, but they've been around longer than us.

But it's still reproducing, so your theory falls down.

But they're deep down, aren't they, in the dark, so they probably can't see what they're having it away with.

If they were up on the outside, they'd have died out ages ago.

Why?

Because they wouldn't have fancy the other stonefish or

something odd-looking.

I can't remember the name.

I think it was a viper something.

It was just a head.

But Carl, the family, the fish, that's just a head.

It was well ugly.

Watched a programme about the twins this morning.

It was filmed 16 years ago.

They are mental.

They did everything together, including the backing up.

Phone calls had to happen twice so they could both have the same chat.

And they said the same stuff at the same time.

Well weird.

The bloke who I watched it with, I don't know who that is, just some homeless guys that you just invited into the film.

This is just someone I've been sort of working with.

Joe mate of yours.

He said he fantasized about having it away with a pair of twins.

I don't see the point in this.

If you're going to have two of something, I would prefer to have two different.

Have two different women.

If I had two cars, I wouldn't have the same one twice.

Same rule with women.

I don't even normally like buying the same pair of trainers twice in a row.

No, if you're going to have something new,

make a change.

It's like that fella who was going out with a woman and then left her and went out with a twin sister.

Not worth it.

Not worth it.

It's not worth the upheaval, is it?

Because it's exactly the same model.

I watched the final of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

It was between singer Jason Donovan, singer Mylene Klass, and singer Matt out of a boy band.

I had the money on Donovan, but Matt won it.

I think it was because of his last task.

He ate a fisheye, some grubs, a big fat insect that they have on every year, a crocodile knob, and a kangaroo anus.

I feel like

we've come there, Rick, to where we entered it.

It was this time last year when we first started the podcast that

we were talking about I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here, and you coined the famous phrase, I could eat a knob at night.

Yeah.

So it's full circles, just

the last series

finished recently.

And it was astounding that he ate a crocodile knob, he ate a crocodile eye, he chewed up and swallowed a kangaroo's anus,

which I

to be honest, I didn't know was a food stuff.

Could you eat any of that?

If I had to eat any of them, it would have to be the anus.

What really?

Yeah, more than the other stuff.

I couldn't eat anything that's still alive.

No,

I agree.

I couldn't eat any of that.

I don't know under what circumstances I'd have to go, right, that's it now.

We're not going to survive.

The ship isn't coming.

There is nothing on this island I can eat.

Give me the crocodile's penis.

So it wouldn't bother me.

I could eat anything.

I could do almost all of the challenges on that program, but I couldn't cope in the camp.

I couldn't cope with the lack of food and the uncomfortable bed.

That's all that would do my head, and I'd drive people spare, whinging and complaining.

I couldn't cope with any aspect of it except the physical challenges.

I couldn't cope with sleeping with people snoring, the

things crawling over you.

Oh, I'm not

so squeamish about that, like snakes and things.

That's alright.

But the eating

is ridiculous.

It's out of the question to eat a worm or a grub.

It doesn't concern me.

I don't know why.

I don't see really what the difference in it.

The texture is probably the same as lots of other things.

What would hunger do to you, though, do you think?

Would you think I would change?

Do you think

if it really was a choice, if someone said, and I knew I would die if I didn't eat worms?

I think you would, yes.

I think you'd complain and you'd whinge for a while and you'd try and put it off and you'd hope a ship would turn up.

But when it didn't, you'd start chowing down on a bit of crocodile anus.

But then where's the rest of the crocodile?

Well, yeah, so you've been eating that.

How come I've got this?

You know, you're meant to work together as a team in bad time and yet I'm being handed an anus.

Forget it.

Let me starve.

Well, thanks for listening.

That was the Christmas podcast.

We should say the winner of the last competition we did.

They can win the

podcast book and Flannimels and the extras book that's out, still available.

All available.

And the CD.

The three CD set of the best of the podcast is that right here as well.

Brand new.

Ow, if you haven't got that, get out maybe you got some record tokens.

Yeah, if you've got record tokens or book tokens, those are the perfect uh things to spend them on.

Or fifty pounds from your auntie.

Exactly.

Go and buy one of those.

Um and the winner was uh Stephanie Prowl from the Wirral.

Well done Steph.

Well done.

Well, thank you to Positive Internet, the guys that host this podcast.

That's the end.

That's the end of the Christmas podcast and the end of

this this team for a little while.

Yeah.

It's been great, so it's goodbye for me, Ricky James.

Goodbye from Stephen Merchant.

Goodbye, and Happy New Year.

And goodbye from Carl Pilkington.

Alright.

Alright, that was alright, wasn't it?

Yeah, it's good.

It's alright.

What are you doing now?

You've got time for a coffee or something?

I can't know.

I'm going to the

orphanage for terminal kids.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going down there.

I'll go down there every Christmas and see.

Do you?

Entertain myself.

That's lovely for him.

Yeah, no, I've actually written a song I'm going to perform.

They see the office and see that I singing that.

You've written a song for the guitar?

Yeah, yeah.

Could we hear a bit?

I mean, what?

I don't want to put you on the spot, but you've got the guitar there, isn't it?

Yeah, hold on.

I've written this for a kid, he's a brave little guy, he's only about ten, but

it's heartbreaking.

He's.

Don't cry,

it's Christmas,

Santa's coming soon.

Though you ain't got a mummy or daddy,

Santa still loves you,

and he's riding on his reindeer to trample down the gloom.

So don't cry, it's Christmas,

Santa's coming soon.

Don't cry, it's Christmas,

Santa's feeling kind.

Though you know you'll never see him,

he's not just in your mind,

and it's not that he's invisible,

it's because you're going blind.

So don't cry, it's Christmas,

Santa's feeling kind.

Don't cry, it's Christmas,

Santa's on his way Though he's got a billion children and he's only got one day

You've got slightly less than that

If I were you I'd pray But don't cry, it's Christmas and it sounds a little gay

I just I would ask you now to not play that song no, too late now they're expecting.

I'm not sure it's going to be as well received as you perhaps hope.

I think that's better than any gift and I don't really want to give gifts because they're expensive.

Sure.

The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.