Guardian S4E2 "The Podfather, Part II: Thanksgiving" (November 23, 2006)

The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.

Welcome to the second in this series of three special free podcasts with the Guardian Unlimited with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, hello, and Carl Pilkington.

These are a special thank you to all the fans that bought the last few podcasts we've done, still available on iTunes.

You can't miss it, it's at number one in the charts.

Carl, it's Thanksgiving.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know why we're doing this.

I'm slightly in agreement with you, actually.

I don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

Well, no, but it was, you know, arbitrary dates.

It's easy to remember for some people.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

Easy to remember.

I don't think Thanksgiving is.

Well, it is in America.

Yeah, but I've never, I couldn't tell you.

I mean, I've been around for 30-odd years.

I've never celebrated one of them.

I've never done anything about it.

No one else.

I don't know any relation relation who has ever said, Are you popping around for Thanksgiving?

When is it?

I've never done it.

Because it's not celebrated in this country.

Why are we celebrating it?

We're not celebrating it, it's an arbitrary date to do a podcast.

I just don't know what it's about.

I mean, before you celebrate something, you don't celebrate Halloween, do you?

But we did that.

No, but it annoys me how people don't actually know what the occasion is, but they celebrate it.

Kids don't know what Christmas is about these days.

It's just like, oh, get some toys.

That's what I mean.

So Thanksgiving, it's just another one, and it's another event.

Okay, why do you celebrate Christmas then?

Because everyone else does.

You can't get away from it.

I'd quite happily block it out.

If I did a new diary, I'd leave out that date and go, come on, let's get on, let's do something good.

Well, you go on holiday every two weeks.

What's that to celebrate?

No, I'm just celebrating.

But people need a little break, don't they?

You know, it's a great time.

Even though Christmas is a great time, you've got to be talking about it.

But the problem is, what I don't like about it is everyone's off at the same time, so everything stops.

See, what I'd do is I'd say to people, Do you like Christmas?

Yeah.

Right, when do you want to celebrate this year?

And let them do it whenever they want.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Why?

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him?

But

I'm an atheist and I celebrate Christmas because it's a time of year where everyone is off and everyone's getting together.

Yeah, I know.

I don't care what they call it.

The fact that we're all doing it at the same time is what's nice about it.

There's a sense of community.

No.

National community.

Everyone shuts down by about December 15th or whatever.

And then it doesn't get going again until like January the 6th.

But what is it you're missing out on during this period?

Just there's like two weeks there.

I mean, that bit between Christmas and New Year, you might as well delete that out of the calendar.

Yeah, because heaven you can't put down the library because it's closed.

All that reading you've got to catch up on.

I'm just saying that we're wasting time.

But

I've never seen anyone on this planet waste as much time as you.

If you're not an honor, you're following an insect around the fucking park.

So don't give me that shit.

I'm just saying that

I don't like fun.

Never a true word.

Well, there we are.

We've got to the none of it here.

You don't like fun.

This is true.

You don't like fun.

Christ Almighty.

You do not like fun.

Organised fun.

I ate that thing.

I've said it a bit before about, you know, it's that date, that's what you've got to do.

Will there come a time when someone goes,

we've done enough of this?

Will there come a time?

And for Thanksgiving, possibly.

Yeah, possibly, yeah.

Things change, don't they?

And you'll be happy then, will you?

In 5,000 years' time.

When we all worship Glong.

Yeah.

we just make a change.

That's all I want.

Because, you know, I've been keeping a diary.

Yeah.

What did you have in the CAF yesterday, for example?

We can read about that later.

It's just, like, Ricky said, oh, are you going to do another one next year?

And I wouldn't, because it's, you know, you do the same stuff every year, don't you?

It's set up the same way.

January, February.

It's the same thing.

It's the same routine.

And if you're writing a...

Why are they always doing them in the same order?

months it sickens me, Rick.

You see, it's just easy to put stuff off whilst we've got this calendar.

Whereas, if you didn't have a date, you'd have to do everything straight away.

What?

Say, if I was in charge, oh god, heaven forbid, yeah, and someone said

that building needs knocking down, yeah, it's dangerous.

If we don't have a calendar, you go, let's do it now then.

Whereas, because we've got a calendar, it's easy to say, next Wednesday.

I love him, I love him.

His theories are amazing.

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe he is a real visionary thinker.

Maybe he is free.

You know what I like about him, though?

All his thoughts,

they're about freedom of expression in a strange way.

He's not burdened by anything.

He just goes, well, why do we think like that?

He questions everything.

Like a true visionary scientist.

But who gets a diary come Christmas time, which I know you hate, you know, for the next year and thinks, you f.

What?

What a piece of shit.

Now I've got to do something.

I've got to do stuff while I want to do it.

I'm going going to take out next Wednesday.

There's no such thing as next Wednesday.

What I'm saying is, before the year's even started, I know in that new diary, I can whiz forward to December 25th and I go, another Christmas.

I don't know what you mean.

So everything's set in stone before I've even started the new year.

It's like, oh, pancake Tuesday, that's coming up.

So someone's already decided.

Remember it's Tuesday.

Someone's already decided.

Someone's already telling me what I'm doing on half of the year.

All those pages are plague, Carl, for you to fill up with stuff.

Oh, guess what?

Guess where my birthday is again?

23rd of September.

I'm just saying, move them about a bit, move the days about a bit so it doesn't get predictable.

But when we change Pancake Tuesday to Thursday, do we tell anyone else?

Yeah, they do an advert on the telly.

Just saying, don't forget to buy your pancake mix.

But so why?

Carl, why not just stick with what we've already got?

Because if you know what's going on,

I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway.

Just have them when you want.

Have it when you want.

There's no big deal.

You've got to make them yourself.

It's not like some place is opening to do it.

Have them when you want.

I don't know why that's got a special day on it.

Sick of it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is based on new settlers to a new land surviving.

And I was talking to Kyle in the week.

We were talking about new settlers and everything, and I was thinking, imagine if you had to start a new settlement now.

There was something wrong with the world.

The world was

kaput, okay?

And we found another planet.

So, Carl, if you have to go to a new planet, don't worry about starting life again.

They've got sort of like these breeder clones that do all that.

But you can choose six people from this world to take to start this whole new world.

So, you need, you know, as I say, you don't need to.

So, what's happening here?

Is this

it's going to to be wiped out?

Okay, it's going to be wiped out.

But there's enough on this spaceship for you and five other people.

Okay, and they've got on there,

they've got these sort of breeder clones there, so it's going to be populated.

You're going to have the workers, the drones, everything like that.

But you want to take six, I suppose, sort of

world lords to teach, to lay down the politics,

the teachings, the laws, the government.

And how long have I got to make a decision on it?

To the end of this podcast.

Right, go.

Who do you take?

Who's the first person you take and why?

And where are we going?

Mars.

Okay, so a planet where there's

an atmosphere.

I've got to know where I'm going because I've got to sell it to the people who I'm asking.

There's no point in the world.

It's just like this world.

There's oxygen, there's seas, there's rivers, there's forests, there's animals.

Okay, but we're going to populate it with the the human race, and you can choose six people to lord over this new uh kingdom.

You want the best people for the job.

Yeah, so who j who's the first person?

Probably um

Patrick Moore.

Why?

Why would you take Patrick Moore?

Just because he he knows his way about up there, don't he?

He'll know the way.

So just just have him.

I think that will whoever are picked next, if they see that he's going, they'll go right.

You know, it's going going to be a long morning board.

You don't want someone who's going to be going, is it lefty?

Is it right?

Do you know what I mean?

And he could play the xylophone on the journey.

But

it is more the most useful person to have if you've only got six, because he may be very useful getting to the planet.

No, but I've always wanted to meet him as well.

I've always wanted a chat, and that'd be a good chance, wouldn't it, when I'm in a rocket?

How long is it taking to get to Mars?

I don't know, a year.

That's what I mean.

No, it's not Mars, it's somewhere else, okay?

So it's a year to get there and then.

Yeah, well, that's what I mean.

So it's a good chance to have a chat with him about stuff.

And I think he'd be up for it as well, to be honest.

I think, you know,

why do you think that?

Just because he's spent his whole life talking about what's going on up there, isn't it?

And yet he's never been.

And I feel sorry for him.

You know, most people, when they're into something, they get to go to a place, don't they?

Sure.

People don't know who Patrick Moore is.

He's an 80-year-old astronomer.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

So let him have a bit of a good life.

So Moore's on board.

Yeah, Patrick Moore,

He's on.

Right, five others.

Four others now.

Jamie Oliver.

Why would you take Jamie Oliver?

Just food and that.

You need someone.

Because they say that, like, you're.

You know, you can feel down if you don't eat.

He couldn't convince eight-year-olds to eat a carrot.

What's he going to do in this brave new world?

They're all going to be on Turkey Twizzlers.

I think he's got the right attitude.

He wouldn't be faffing about.

Remember, we've landed now on this new world.

Yeah.

I don't know what it's like.

The people who make it.

I love Jamie Oliver.

I think he's great.

But he wouldn't be in my five people to start a new world.

That's all I'm saying.

Nor would Patrick Moore because he knew the way.

But what chef would you pick?

I wouldn't pick a chef.

Why would I pick a chef?

Because you want someone who's going to, like I say, food's important.

When you're low, there's nothing better.

If you're a bit fed up, there's nothing better than having a good time.

But Carl, I don't think you've quite grasped that these people have to start civilization again.

They have to be wise, wise people who can make the laws.

And before you do all that, you need a good meal.

So Jamie Oliver, he'll be...

That's his job.

It's like when we get there, that's when he kicks in.

Right.

He's the first one, really.

Because that's just annoying.

Just to save two places on Patrick Moore and Jamie Oliver, take a map and a cookbook.

Okay, who's number three?

What sort of state is this world in?

Does it need...

Oh, it's going to take a fucking gardener.

It's like the w it's it's the world but new.

It's the it's that exactly.

It's the world but new, untouched by humans.

There's there've been no fossil fuels burnt, no machinery,

no wars,

just this Garden of Eden.

And you, Patrick Moore and Jamie Olive, are pitch up.

Plus, who else can't go now?

First thought?

Attenborough.

Again, he's a genius.

And he's, you know,

he's a bit of a hero of mine.

But I don't know if we need Attenborough.

Just because I reckon if it's a new world, you're saying it's the same, but they always say, don't they, that all worlds are different.

So I'd want him there

just to sort of, when we're roaming around, because we'll all stick together for a bit, won't we?

When we're roaming around.

And they'll be sick of the sight of you.

They go, let's lose Carl.

But you've got two two men so far who've got a combined age of about 150.

I mean, if you're starting a brave new world, dare I say, not going to be around very long.

Shouldn't you be taking some younger, fresher blood?

No, not really, because they haven't lived.

I've these have lived and they can sort of and they're useful, like I say.

Patrick Moore's done his bit.

He's got us there.

Oliver's cooked us a dinner.

Day two, I reckon we'd end that on day one there.

We'd have a dinner.

We'd all have a chat.

I don't think you're thinking of the future.

I don't think you're thinking trippy.

I think you're thinking of the journey and then the first night.

Okay.

Okay.

So you've got David Attenborough.

You've got Patrick Morton.

You've got Jamie Oliver.

You've got two other places.

I get the feeling that you're not so much recruiting people for a new world as I must liberally get me out of it.

As a dinner party with people you'd like to meet that you've seen on the telly.

Oh.

Come on in, two more.

I'd text someone who's a bit daft.

Just so.

No, you don't need to, Carl.

That's covered, believe us.

No, no, that's what I mean, though.

I don't want them having to go at me going, Why are you here?

I'd point the attention somewhere else.

So text someone else who'd sort of wind them up.

Who's that then?

Paul Denan, or something like that.

It really is.

I was living.

You've got Patrick Moore, you've got David Attenborough, you've got Jamie Oliver and Paul Denan.

Starting life again.

Okay, then.

Brilliant.

Oh, God.

Right, one more.

This is amazing.

It's going to be.

I'd love to go back and visit this in a thousand years.

What teachings they laid down.

Oh, God.

Don't know.

It'd have to be a woman, I think.

You've got to have a woman in that little group, haven't you?

Who's

could have another woman chef or

mainly eating?

He's got that covered with armour, but no, now he's got to take Nigelic in case he's in a cream cake kind of move.

God.

Oh, God.

Devia Smith was furious.

She packed her bags and everything.

Or a nurse.

Now you're thinking.

Abby Titmus.

Carl, I know you like to be kept abreast of all the latest breaking science news.

Did you read recently about the blind mice that they have been able to make see again?

And

hopefully

whatever they did, which allowed these mice to be able to see again, they're hoping to be able to do with humans in maybe about 10 years' time.

Or at least begin tests in 10 years' time, which is pretty impressive, isn't it?

How many of these mice did they experiment on?

Three, probably.

Right.

It wasn't taking place in the farmhouse, was it at all?

I didn't read the intricacies of the...

Did they have tails?

Did they still have their tails?

The three by mice?

Yeah,

I don't know.

I can't.

Well, I'm not, yeah.

I'm not sure.

Well, what's your concern?

Well, I think I know what happened there.

Really?

Yeah.

I think the farmer's wife probably got annoyed at them running after her.

Right.

But how could they run after her?

Because they're blind.

I don't know.

I think they used a sense of smell and hearing.

They could hear

clogs.

And they followed the sound of the big clap clogs.

Right.

But, you know, they got their comeuppance.

They lost their tails.

So now they're blind with no tails.

Is that not the story?

I think you confused um okay, another more recent story

with with that one.

Okay, yeah, well, we'll leave that there now.

I don't know, Carl thoughts though.

That extraordinary, isn't it?

To be able to I mean, to be able to cure blindness would be a remarkable achievement in science.

It is, but it's just that thing how they say they've done it on mice and what have you.

Yeah.

If I was blind and I went in for the meeting, the doctor,

and they said, Do you want yours doing?

And then they said, like,

I've done it on mice.

That wouldn't be good enough for me.

I'd say, look, when the blind fella gets in, don't say we've done it on mice, just say we've done this on eyes.

If he goes, what eyes, just say just a pair of eyes.

Yeah.

As soon as you say mouse's eyes, it's like, well, it's it's not the same.

And it sort of it would make me go, I'll leave it.

Yeah.

And then

you wake up and you can see, but they've got very tiny eyes right in the.

You've put in mice eyes.

I'm scared of cats.

It's just just eyes.

I think I just don't like having my eyes messed with, and even if it was blind,

I just wouldn't like it.

Right.

And I think mine are more active than most, my eyes.

What do you mean?

Well, I went for a what's her name, Steve.

You don't know.

I've had problems with my legs.

Oh,

Christ Almighty.

He's the same.

What are you?

33?

He's a hyper.

You talk like you're a 23.

33.

Honestly, the slightest thing, he's got time off work for this.

He went to the dentist three times in one week.

He goes now, his legs rubbed two times a week for some reason.

I don't know.

In and out of the kidney hospital, and they're going, there's no kidney stone, Mr.

Pilton.

He's going, oh, right.

Christ Almighty, do some fucking work.

Now, the thing is, I've been, in the last, like, 30-odd years, I've been working hard and I've let my body get run down a bit.

How have you, like, you're 30?

What are you?

30.

33.

Right, 33.

Sorry to start off with such a hard question.

But how have you been working for 30 years?

Well, I just have.

I sort of got on with it.

At three?

At three?

No, I wasn't sure.

You didn't get on with anything at school, did you?

You were just titting about.

Yeah.

You weren't working hard there.

What was the first job you got our way?

I was 15.

Right, okay.

So you've been working for 15 years then.

Okay, good.

I had my paper out when I was 10, and that was hard graft.

That's why I bald and that.

Getting up at R4.

It all adds up, doesn't it?

All adds up.

So, anyway,

when I kicked my height when I was was a kid.

He always says this, eh?

Like, it's a classic story that everyone should know.

And also, the phrase kicking my own height.

Yeah.

Explain what you mean.

Just kicked me out when I was a kid.

No one understands.

You kicked your leg up to the height that you were at that time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So kicked my height.

It's not a well-known phrase.

You can't just go, I kick me out.

So you're four and a half foot and you've put your toe up into the air four and a half feet by kicking.

Yeah, but I've landed on my back.

Right, okay.

Imagine seeing that in the playground.

They go, get Carl Pilkmarton to kick his eye.

I bet he falls over like a fucking kid.

I wasn't in the playground.

My dad got me to do it in the garden.

Brilliant.

But why did you sell tickets?

The neighbours were cracking up.

Why did you follow it?

Did you hit yourself in the head?

I didn't have to kick the eye.

I mean, my leg got high up, but I was that chuffed that I got that high, I didn't think of putting my leg down again.

Why does it look like what the fuck looked like?

He's got to think it all through.

I thought it was automatic.

He stayed there.

You sort of stayed balanced.

Christ, you might.

Well, I'm loving this.

This is brilliant, but what should I do now?

I've got my leg off.

I'll just keep up.

Like a Hitler salute with his leg.

What were you doing?

So anyway, I landed on my back and

I did some damage, I think.

And it's because of that.

You sure you didn't land on your head?

And it's because of that, like,

all them years and what have you, I've had like a trap nerve in my leg.

Right.

So I thought, right, now's the time to have it done, because when you get older, I mean, it was a a kidney stone thing.

Once you've seen, once you've sort of looked at, you know, death and what have you,

it just makes you think, gotta start looking after yourself.

Do you think you could die of the slightly bad leg that you've had for 15 years?

Do you think that'll eventually kill you?

Well, well, it could do if I can't run away from danger quick enough.

Right.

Again, you're thinking of Jurassic Park coming to it.

Whatever, though.

I'm just saying.

You've got to look after yourself.

You know, if there's anyone listening to that, you could always hop who's got a problem, get it sorted.

I'll tell you what, though, if you have to fight off danger and you kick them, put the leg back down immediately after.

So, anyway, so I went to see this fella to like a professional leg rubber.

Professional leg rubber, yeah.

And

he sort of said

a few things that were quite interesting.

Remember that time when we had a chat on the last lot of podcasts?

I said, Am I in charge of my brain?

Or is my brain in charge of me?

Yeah, do you remember what I said?

That's the most stupid thing you've ever said.

Yeah, well, we'll listen to this then.

So, I go and see this leg rubber.

Professional leg rubber, yeah.

Right, and he is professional.

Yeah.

Remember, leg rubber.

You haven't said doctor at any point in this conversation.

He's a leg rubber.

So this, this, whatever, however profound this is, it came from a man who is self-confessed professionally leg rubbing.

Not just leg rubbing.

Did he do left, dying right or back rubbing as well?

He does it all.

So I'm in there and I didn't mention about how I thought my brain was, you know, was in charge of me and stuff.

I'm lying there, he's bending me about and what have you.

The first problem he came across is that my nerves aren't long enough for my body.

I don't know.

My nerves aren't long enough for your body.

He was lifting my legs up and I was going, right, oh, stop that a minute, that's certain that.

I thought, what do you mean?

He said, I've only got them like, like, just about.

Well, that's your tendons.

No, no, but your nerves are in your legs as well.

And your tendons don't hurt.

It's your nerves that kick in.

It's your nerves that make you go.

Yeah, but they hurt because your tendons are being oversized.

I'm just telling you what he said.

So he lifted the leg up and I went right through the bottom.

Was this some other laundrette this surgery?

No, it's a proper place.

He had had like towels and all that on the bottom.

Oh, he's got towels.

Okay, yeah.

So, um, definitely laundrette.

So, so I'm lying there.

Other people's towels.

He's got towels.

Halfway through the pants.

Halfway through, he said, You haven't got 20p, you've got a dryer.

So I'm lying there, and he lifts the leg up.

Yeah, and I'm like, oh, that hurts a lot.

So he said, oh, yeah, short nerves.

And I said, what do you mean?

He said,

you know, your outside of the body is longer than your inside of the body.

Right, he doesn't sound like a doctor.

He does not sound like a doctor.

The outside of your body is longer than the inside of your body.

So he he he had me lying on my front and what have you and he was sort of crushing me back.

Right.

And he was going, Does that hurt?

I said, Yeah.

It was like forty-eight quid this as well.

Putting me through all this pain and what have you.

Well, you've got some good advice then.

He said, You're pretty stressed.

And I said, Yeah, so it's, you know, I've quite a bit of stress in my life.

And I explained to him about the kidney stones and that.

I said, Oh, you know, that that's that.

He went, Oh, shut the fuck up.

He probably said that.

He said, That's where you probably got a lot of tenseness.

A lot of tenseness.

Is that the phrase he used?

Is it a professional rubber?

rubber.

He's a doctor.

He's definitely a doctor.

So, anyway, he said, Do you relax much?

You haven't got any lenoir, have you?

I want these sheets to come out of those nice and soft.

He said, Do you, you know, you should learn to meditate or something?

He said, Because

you're all tensed up.

We're living in a stressful world, as they tell me about it.

So, when I was telling him that I have problems relaxing, he said, Oh, he said, You're obviously the sort of person

who's colourful enough to spend 46 quid for this.

How come

he said, you're the sort of person whose brain is in charge of them rather than them being in charge of the brain.

So all you did was you met a person as stupid as you.

No, but I thought it's interesting that this is what he does for a living.

And he picked up, that was the first visit.

I'd only been there about 22 minutes.

You get half an hour for 48 quid.

But

he picked up on that within like 15 minutes.

So he wasn't a fucking taker coming in.

No, he did pick up on that, yeah.

But anyway, the reason.

Don't go to him again.

The reason, well, I am doing it.

I've got locked into it.

I've I've got to go at least another three times.

Why can't I get out of it?

I don't know, I didn't realise that you have to have a minimum amount of things.

So, what I'm saying is.

I can't wait.

What's the wisdom he's going to come up with next week?

That would be brilliant.

I will kind of, yeah.

No, but what I'm saying is.

Your blood's paranoid.

You've got jealous bones.

You're the sort of person whose stomach's hungrier than you.

What?

Absolute fucking nonsense.

Do you know, like, how we were talking about eyes, weren't we?

He said, the thing is, you know, you've got to be able to relax, and the way to do it is to focus.

Right?

He said, I said, what do you mean?

He said, when you go to sleep.

You're the sort of person whose eyes can see further than you can.

He said, when you go to sleep,

close your eyes.

Instead of just leaving them open staring at the ceiling.

How?

Keep breathing.

Keep breathing.

Close your eyes.

You're not dead.

It may seem like it, but you're not.

You're just asleep.

So he said,

fuck me.

He said, what you've got to do when you go to sleep, focus on your toe.

Okay.

He said, said, and just think about nothing else.

I said, he's a witch.

Didn't he tell you to put a toad under the bed?

No, he just said, focus on the toe and see how you go on and what have you next time you come in.

Let me know.

Anyway, I gave this a go, focusing on the toe.

So, what does this mean?

You mean you sat in bed staring at your toes?

No, this is it.

He said, like, lie down, shut your eyes and sort of look at it, sort of thing.

So I was lying there.

I just wasn't working because.

Oh, Carl, this isn't medicine.

Because I was

thinking of his finger.

Well, no,

he found out he was thinking of someone else's toe.

Next day, someone called up and said, Carl, my toe's better.

No, the problem was, I was still using my eyes, even though I had them shut.

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Just when I think he's it could never come up with somewhat stupid.

He pulls that one out of the bag.

Right.

So, what does that mean?

Oh, God.

You were still.

What does that mean?

I was straining them.

I had them short, but I was sort of looking down at me.

You were trying to see through your eyelids at your toe.

Well, I was looking down, so I'm thinking that's where the foot is.

Because of that, I was straining them.

They were stinging.

So I had to pack it in.

Yeah, I'm gonna die.

I am going to die.

Right.

So if anything...

This guy's just made your stress levels worse.

That's amazing.

That's amazing.

Okay, if someone out there's listening,

could you put in order the top 10 most stupid things Carl's ever said?

And to me, that is number one.

That is now number one.

That's overtaken.

Is your brain in charge of you or is you in charge of your brain?

Oh, that's amazing.

Oh, Jim Pants, that he's only gone and written it down.

The jingle there to announce yet another reading from Carl Pilkington's diary.

When are you going to write until, Carl?

What have you got you going to do?

I've got to do as far as December, and then that's it?

I don't know.

When does the diary end?

31st of December, usually.

Yeah.

Typical, always the same.

Yeah, that's when I'll do it till.

And then.

Why do that?

Why just...

Why be conformist?

Why end on December?

Why not end on January 31st?

Weird that you should go.

Don't be constrained to what the diary says.

Me ma'am called me to ask me to like.

Family, you're right.

Like, look, that should should be.

Me ma'am called me to ask me to look in some of the magazine shops in London for a magazine that she can't find.

It's called UFO Data.

I said, I ain't heard of it.

She said she's seen an advert for it in one of her ghost magazines.

I love the fact that she can't even find the magazine about unidentified flying objects.

So

we get a clue as well.

She thinks, I think I saw something, but I don't know whether it was a magazine or not.

So

we get a clue there as to why you

give any credence to this crap.

Yeah, well, it's you know, I mean, Mama Pilkington's into the same shit.

There's a lot of space out there, aren't they?

She said that this magazine has got a news story about how Aldrin, brackets astronaut, has got some evidence that aliens exist.

I told her that I found out today that the days are about 36 minutes longer on Mars.

We chatted about how this is how they are more advanced than us.

Do you mean the Martians?

Yeah, if they've got a longer day, that's more time that they're awake working on stuff.

Right, yeah, we know that makes no difference at all.

No, it doesn't.

Think about it.

Think about it.

Look, think about it.

Six o'clock here.

Yeah.

People are going, see you tomorrow.

I'm going home.

They'll be going, oh, another half hour.

They've got a longer day.

Productive.

And that's why they're able to fly.

I'm probably whizzing around

all the years.

Christ Almighty, what drivel.

Suzanne got in from work at 11:30.

I told her about the UFOs in Mars.

She said she's too tired to chat.

I said, Does it mean aliens will be more tired than us, or do they get more sleep?

I got no answer.

I love it when Suzanne does it.

She never indulges in.

It scares her.

Anything with ghosts and UFOs, she sort of

scare her, it bores her.

Scares her.

Okay.

I'm knackered today, and the face feels dry and spotty.

Oh god, there's one of those.

No, it starts off.

It starts off moaning.

The first thing he does is start moaning.

He wakes up and goes, oh fuck me, I didn't die.

Oh god.

I'm Nacca today and the face feels dry and spotty.

I think it's the change in water since being away.

Or it could be all the

it could be all the Madeira cake I had yesterday.

I'm gonna burst.

But what's the Madeira cake?

The Madeira cake drives you out, does it?

Well, it's just quite fattening, isn't it?

But I like it.

It's one of my little pleasures.

I went for a wander about to try and find the UFO data magazine from a mail.

I didn't know which category to look under.

There were too many magazines.

I noticed how, on the rude magazines, the women are being pretty rude on the cover, but on the gay magazines, it's just a fella smiling, showing a bit of arse.

I don't know why gay blokes would buy it.

Blokes have got their own knob to look at if they like knobs.

Why were you looking at the gay magazine?

No, I wasn't.

It's just.

Oh, you were?

No.

You studied them.

Yeah, because I was looking for UFO data.

I don't know where they put it.

I don't think you find evidence of where they were.

Yeah, I don't think you wanna boldly go where no man has ever gone before, Carl.

I had no luck trying to find the UFO data magazine.

I will try some other shops.

He writes a UFO data magazine every time.

He can just put UFO mag, but no, but it reminds me.

If I write stuff down, it means that I remember it more.

Sure.

Still looking for it.

Got some posts from Oxfam.

They're flogging animals for Africa again.

They've got new animals in their catalogue now.

They've got donkeys and alpacas.

Donkeys 50 quid, alpacas £20.

I don't know if this is a special rate or if I could get one from a ma'am.

She's been saying how they've been missing having a pet since they had the cat put down.

Sorry, you don't get it.

If you buy that for someone, you don't get it.

Yeah, but they're not bothered where they're going.

Yes, they do.

Of course they don't.

They don't deliver them.

It's not like they're in a warehouse wondering people thinking, I hope people buy this.

They're going to put them out there.

But at the end of the day, 50 quid is 50 quid, and they're not bothered.

If they're selling an alpaca to Africa and I'm saying, can you get one to London?

to them that is less hassle.

Right.

That don't.

Carl, that's not how it works.

You can't just go and say, oh, I'll have one of them.

They're not bothered.

It's for charity.

Carl, of course, they are.

You can't buy an alpaca for 20 quid.

Christ, I'm like, plus posters and packaging, they're big bastards.

Read about a pub that is getting some stick because they've stopped a horse going in.

It's been the horse's regular for ages, but there's been some new owners who've taken over the pub and they said there's so many fresh fruit and don't want a horse in there anymore.

Oh god,

we've got to publish this diary.

There's some dynamite stuff.

We've got to publish the diary.

I I mean, this is.

Never mind, peeps.

Can't we put this out next year or something with a special CD?

It's amazing.

You can't keep this from the world, Carl.

I met Suzanne after she finished work and we went for a brew in another cafe.

Oh, Jesus.

It's always having a brew in a calf.

It's like a sitcom.

Suzanne said I look tired and fed up.

I think it's because I ain't been sleeping.

Or the Madeira, okay?

You don't know.

Always been going to every news agency in London, looking at gay magazines.

She taught me some way to breathe that will relax me.

I wasn't feeling that relaxed, though, because the person behind the counter was banging about making a coffee.

Noise stresses me out.

I wonder if less deaf people die of stress than people with working ears do.

Oh, it's the theories.

It's the theories.

It is such a noisy world, though, isn't it?

It isn't.

London is noisy, very noisy.

I think just everywhere, just noise in general.

They were saying how, like, every noise

has been used at least five times or something.

What do you mean?

Because there's only so many noises in the world.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about.

No, there's only so many noises.

What do you mean every noise has been used five times?

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what it means.

Because...

I don't know.

I have no idea.

Every noise once has been used at least five times.

There's only so many noises.

It's like a piano, isn't it?

There's only so many notes.

Yeah.

And there's only so many noises.

Right.

But because there's so much stuff, the same noises are being used again.

I don't know what that means.

By whom?

Who's reusing the noise?

By whatever.

So a woodpecker when it's woodpecking.

Yeah, yeah.

Some birds make noises that would sound like a Ford Escort, just because there's only so many noises that people can use.

What is he talking about?

Noises are a by-product.

Outside an instrument, noises are a by-product.

A machine, they don't go, watch me make this noise, make this machine.

It makes the noise it makes when it's doing something.

Why does it make that noise?

Why not pick another noise?

They don't pick the noise.

A printing press makes the noise because it's the sound of the thing going down.

A hammer makes that noise because that's what it does.

No one's going, oh, can we make this make a different noise?

No, it's a by-product.

I know.

So there's only so many noises.

I don't know what you mean.

You said the by-product is because of something that's happening.

Right?

But it's the physical action, isn't it?

And the way that that impacts on the surrounding air.

That's what noise, you know, how noises are manufactured.

It's not not a choice.

When Stevenson's rock came and I went,

I went, come out and go,

that's the noise it made.

I know, but then, say, like a new frog comes out.

Oh, what do you mean a new frog comes out?

They find a new type of frog, it makes a noise, and they'll go, yeah, I knew it was going to sound like that.

What are you talking about?

Because there's only so many noises.

No animal comes out and makes like a weird noise, and you go, I've never heard that noise before.

They go, that sounds like a chicken, or it sounds like a Ford Escort.

Or

there's only so many noises.

It sounds like a Ford Escort.

There can't be many because you've used Ford Escort twice as an analogy here.

So you're running out of noises.

You've come up with chicken and escort so far.

I can't explain.

But the problem is, a Ford Escort sounds a bit like an Austin Allegro song.

I know, yeah, yeah.

And a chicken, you're ripping off the turkey, you can.

Oh, chimpanzee, that is competition time.

I think my worry there is people might get confused with it because that jingle is very similar to the monkey news jingle.

There's aspects of it that's similar, yeah.

Yeah, but some people might have just heard that, and they might have just heard chimpanzee and thought, oh, great, it's monkey news, but Carl presumably is too lazy to have actually prepared any monkey news.

I've got some good news about monkey news, actually.

Have you?

If you are craving monkey news, then there is a a special monkey news poster in the

CD, the three CD box set, the Ricky Gervais show.

It's got everything.

It's got the 12 shows and MP3, it's got the best of.

And it's got an extra hour of brand new material as well.

And the reason we did it on CD is because some people are saying, I've heard about this, but I can't listen to it.

I haven't got an iPod, I haven't got a computer.

So buy that for a friend who

can't listen to these.

It's the perfect Thanksgiving gift.

It is the perfect Thanksgiving gift.

Or Pancake Tuesday.

And we've signed one that's going to a lucky winner.

We did a competition on the last podcast to give away one of the CD box sets, the World of Carl Pilkington, and we've signed that.

And Flannels of the Deep, the new book in the series.

Can you remind us, Rick, of the quiz question?

The quiz question was: Do you want these?

Okay, and what was the correct answer?

It was yes.

Well, we've had, it's amazing, actually, how many people didn't realize that was.

We've had a lot of people saying no, I'm not interested.

Who are you?

Why are you bothering me?

But amazingly, Rachel Bolland from Glasgow has got the correct answer.

She said yes.

Now then, we need a new question, Rick.

Yeah, should we give those away again?

Let's give those away again, the same things again.

Not obviously these.

We'll send these to Rachel.

So you get, do you want a signed CD, the World of Carl Pilkerton, and Flannels of the Deep?

Okay?

Plus, we can also add to that, Rick, the forthcoming extras script book.

Ah, not just a script book, Steve.

No.

It's got some wonderful pictures

taken by Rich Hardcastle of people like Ben Stiller and Sam Jackson and Kate Winslet behind the scenes.

In their off-duty moments.

And it's brilliant.

It's really good.

We've put some pictures up on the website.

Go to wickedervase.com and you'll see what you could

be winning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we've got that perfect collection of stuff, but we need a new quiz question.

Okay.

Okay,

so those prizes.

Does someone else want them?

Does someone else want them?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Well, if you know the answer to that, then get in touch.

Podcast at rickyjervaise.com.

Good luck.

It's a tricky one.

Oh, good luck anyway, because I never read the emails.

Well, that's the end of the second in this series of three special podcasts.

That was the end of the Thanksgiving edition with me, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, see ya, and Carl Pilkington.

Thank you to Positive Internet, the guys that that host this podcast.

They're doing a great job.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving

for the Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.