Guardian S4E1 "The Podfather, Part I: Halloween" (October 31, 2006)

The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.

Hello, welcome to the Ricky Gervais Show with Guardian Unlimited.

Back where it all started.

With me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

Hello.

And of course, Kyl Pilkington.

The internet phenomenon that is Carl Pilkington.

Ah, now this could be interesting.

That noise.

Do you want to explain, Stephen?

I will.

I've just sent a text to this number that some of you may have heard of, 6336.

Now, apparently, this is a number you can send a text to, and it will answer any question that you have for it.

In the past, for instance, I sent it some quite profound questions.

I once asked it, should they have dropped the second bomb on Nagasaki?

And it had a very thoughtful answer.

So, we've sent it a question, perhaps equally thoughtful.

Carl Pilkington believes in ghosts.

Is he an idiot?

Now, we sent that because this is the Halloween special.

These podcasts are three one-off-free specials, and they're free because we want to thank people who paid

for the audiobooks we did-the last two series.

So, thank you for that.

I've just bought a flat in New York, and Steve's just bought a lovely BMW.

Mercedes.

Oh, is it a Mr.

Hill?

Is it

yet?

Carl's having his kitchen done and his boiler replaced.

He's still not happy.

But yes, thank you.

The back catalogue is still available in audiobooks on iTunes, but these are three free ones.

Anyway, the question we asked: 63336, Carl Pilkington believes in ghosts.

Is he an idiot?

And this is the response.

Unusually, producer Carl Pilkington is both an idiot and a comic genius.

His humour is not to everyone's taste, however.

That's the response.

But it's curious because it doesn't really answer our question about ghosts.

Send them, do you believe in ghosts?

Okay.

This is the Halloween special, of course.

That's why we're talking about ghosts.

Carl, do you believe in ghosts?

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't seen a

proper ghost.

So, why do you believe in something that there's no evidence for?

Yeah, but why are we here then?

If it is just sort of you're born, right?

And when, I mean, we are useless, at least other creatures, when they're born.

Well, you speak for yourself.

No, but other creatures are born to do a job, aren't they?

When a bee's born, you know what that's going to be doing.

It hasn't got any options.

That's got a job job to do.

And it does that job and it dies, and the next one comes along.

We asked it, Do you believe in ghosts?

The existence of ghosts is not proven.

Many experiments have claimed to identify ghosts, but none have been scientifically sound.

Excellent.

See,

but that's a sensible, intelligent, logical, thoughtful answer.

Weird things have happened to me when

I was living at home and

I was in bed one time.

Where do you live now?

No, but I was at my first home.

Your parents?

Yeah, my mum and dad's.

So I'm in bed and I'm lying there.

And you know, you get that sense of like,

oh, there's something going on.

And I sort of look over my quilt and there's nothing there.

Thinking it's weird that.

So I turn my back on it.

I'm thinking, I don't want to know.

If there is something there, I don't want to know.

So I'm turning my back on it.

But then there's like a really high-pitched noise, right?

Sort of the hairs on my back are like going up a bit.

And I'm like, oh, I don't like this.

And it's the high-pitched noise.

Yeah, the hairy back, even as a kid.

No, but you know, everyone's got little hairs on them, everyone's got little tiny hairs on them and stuff.

And

I thought, I can't stand this.

And I turned round, put the light on, legged it downstairs.

And my mom's saying, what are you doing?

I'm going, oh, I don't know, there's something up there.

So she said, all right, then watch the telly.

So I stayed up for a bit watching the telly, went back to bed.

The high-pitched noise had gone.

Went to sleep.

Get up the next day.

Charlie from next door comes round.

He goes, Hilda's dead.

Right.

And

my dad said, Oh, when did that happen?

He said, Last night at quarter to 11.

Right.

That's when I was in bed.

So?

What are you telling me for?

Because it's weird, isn't it?

It's that thing of.

Would you think it'd be weirder that

no one ever died at quarter to eleven when you were in bed?

No, but that's when all the weirdness was going on.

That's when the tone was happening.

My back was getting itchy and stuff.

Coincidence.

And I went down and watched Telly went back up to gone that, but that's when her spirit had sort of...

No.

Ah, okay, right, interesting.

No, this is where we get into the facts.

So Hilda's spirit

whizzing round, whizzing round my bedroom, because my bedroom was right next door to theirs.

Yeah.

So I'm just saying that's one.

Why do they whiz round

when they die?

Why do spirits whiz round when they die?

Because they're going, where am I going?

And they're whizzing round, aren't they?

Am Am I going down?

Am I going up?

No, no, it's Carl.

No, no, I'm not going the wrong way.

Yeah, but it's not going to be easy, is it?

How do you think it works?

It doesn't work.

But once again, it's not proof of anything, Carl, beyond the fact that you were a child in bed.

Why did your dad ask what time she died?

No, it just sort of, you know, what do you say to someone?

And it's awkward, isn't it?

When someone gives you bad news, so you just think, well, what can I ask?

What time does that happen?

Sorry?

No, it's not.

Exactly, what time did she die?

My wife passed away.

What time is that?

No, not exactly.

He just said, oh, that's bad.

When did that happen?

And he said, well, thanks for asking.

Quarter to 11.

Quarter to 11.

Quarter to 11.

Quarter to 11.

I remember that.

What did he say last night?

Convenient, aren't they?

Or is it, yeah, I mean, it's either that's exactly what happened, Rick, or he's misremembering the.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know which one to plump for.

But I'll tell you this, though.

You know, if we're talking about ghosts and that.

Yeah.

Now, Ilda, Yeah.

Choose your bog standard old woman.

Right.

I know that's on the grapes day.

I know, yeah.

No.

Did you do the eulogy?

No, you know.

That is great.

What can we say about Ilda?

Bog standard old woman.

Right.

There's sandwiches at the bar.

That's the most insulting thing you could ever say.

There are such a boy.

There's nothing off.

Let's just think about it.

Hilda lived her life.

Thank you for coming to celebrate the life of Hilda.

Who died at quarter to 11 specifically.

And was a bog standard old woman.

Are we burning or burying?

But anyway, but she lived to be quite old.

Which annoyed you.

And yeah, in a bog standard way.

But this is what I was saying about us all living too long and stuff.

It just makes it worse when it does come to us being a ghost.

I don't know what you're talking about.

That sentence made no sense.

Just, if you are going to be haunted, right, say, I know you're going to say, well, I I don't believe in them, so I'm not worried, so don't be going on about it.

But say, like, you know, your new place that you've bought, you move in, and you go to bed,

and there's something moving about the room.

You see it, it's a ghost.

Oh, no.

Okay, look, let's, for the more likely, a Siamese cat called Ollie.

No, because that's probably got its own room on it.

But what I'm saying is,

would you prefer to have an old person moving about looking at you?

Or just a young person?

I'd prefer a youngish person who looks normal and he's sort of floating about, and you go.

That looks normal, floating about.

No, but an old woman would really scare me.

And ghosts are always going to have a bad reputation because they look scary because they're old.

So that's.

You talk absolute shit.

That's all I'm saying.

So we're going to.

We need to be ever charged for this.

No, but look.

If we are going into another life, right, after this,

we move on to another life.

Yeah.

we're not going to move on.

That land, say if it is like another world where we go and we plow fields and we grow crop it, crop croppage, we grow crop, crops,

crops, if you want.

Yeah, well, I would like to use the English language.

There's too much fruit about, so just a crop, just something we need to get that gift about.

He's got an answer for everything.

So we grow some crop.

Yeah.

So you grow your crop.

And

now, if we're all going into that other land or world or universe, old, who's going to do the cropping?

Oh, God!

Oh,

yeah!

I've never heard so much crop in my life.

It's a load of old crop.

I had to go for an ultrasound, right?

Isn't that what you do if you're pregnant?

Yeah, but do you know I've had kidney stones?

We've talked about it in the other podcast and that that we've done, right?

I've had a kidney stone.

I don't want to go on about it.

Brita, it's painful and that.

Well, you are going on about it.

Yeah,

I'm just saying.

It's routine, don't worry about it.

It's not routine.

Why do they have to keep going back?

Why do they have to keep going back?

You're questioning me.

You'll get into a routine, keep going back.

It's better than working, isn't it?

You don't have to sell the book.

No, no, holiday or hospital.

Holiday or hospital.

Holiday or hospital.

I don't know.

I'll just say that we've got a book out, right?

The World of Car Pilkington.

It's out now.

Wernie goes on holiday the first week, right?

He's in and out of hospital.

He's doing no good.

He's got got to go in again.

He goes away with his family like twice a year, goes away with Suzanne's family twice a year.

He's now said he doesn't want to do any press for it because it's boring, or he doesn't want to.

Why aren't you plugging the book?

I mean, if you're an author, you've got to get behind bought books without hearing someone telling me to buy stuff.

No, you're lazy.

You're lazy.

I'm not lazy.

It's just that I'm sick and tired of putting tele on or the radio and having people telling me, oh, you've got to buy this, you've got to buy that.

No, I don't have to do anything.

I'll have a look myself when I'm in a bookshop.

Let them just find it.

But there are hundreds and thousands of books, Carl.

They may not find it.

Do you want to direct them towards it?

I don't want to direct them to it.

I just, you know, if you come across it, why have you put all this work into this book?

All these illustrations you've done in a book, because I enjoyed it for me.

Right, but you don't want anyone to read it.

So why just put it in a book?

They will read it, they'll find it.

People will find it.

It's in the shop, isn't it?

I'm always finding little books on different things and what have you.

Yeah, you don't read them, you read the first couple of lines and you get it wrong.

You know, it.

So I went back, right, and they had the

ultrasound thing where they're looking to see what else is in there.

And when I was in the waiting room, there was a woman there.

I reckon she was about 98.

Why are they rooting around in her to see what's up with her?

Just let her die.

Do you know what I mean?

If she's not in any pain.

No, no, all I'm saying, I'm just saying, how long does she want to be around?

And the problem is, she went off, right?

I was sat in the waiting room, she went off into the little cubicle to put her a gown on.

And because she's old, she can't bend her arms and that.

So she came out with it all open on the back.

And it was horrible.

It looked like a chicken that hasn't been looked after, right?

It was all leathery skin and that.

Now, the thing is,

it's all very well keeping people alive, but the surroundings of the body isn't meant to be lasting that long, is it?

Do you know what I mean?

The actual skin of a body.

It's all very well keeping the heart going, checking the kidneys and all that, but we're not meant to be around this length of time.

Yet we are, we're messing with it.

Just do the gown up.

You never do, you never get, you never see insects or anything like that that look old.

You don't go, look at the state of that.

Because they live about four weeks.

Yeah, but maybe that's the way it's meant to be.

In the same way, maybe we were only meant to live to be 40.

But why did you go in for your operation then?

Why didn't you just think, well, this is it.

If you're looking after an old woman who's about 98, I'm having a go.

don't you call it this?

Because you want to live on.

She might have been flirting with you.

No, she was.

Keeping it open just so you can have a little look.

But I'm just saying:

is that right?

Is it right that you were going in there rooting around and stuff?

I didn't like it.

I didn't like having it done.

You know, I don't like going to the hospital and stuff, and the doctors and all that.

And she was pushing the

thing down.

And she said, oh, you can have a look if you want.

What go down where?

On my kidney.

She was pushing like this little scanner thing.

Oh, right.

She was going to have a look.

I was going, I don't want to have a look.

She was going, what's up with you?

I said, I don't want to see me inside.

Did they put a tube down the end of your knob?

Yeah, they did all that.

We've talked about that in the other.

But you were unconscious, weren't you?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter, does it?

If you know it's going on, it still bothers you.

It's because you're asleep.

Well, not really, no.

What do you mean?

Well, why does it bother you if you're asleep?

Well, that's like saying, oh, I woke up and the house was robbed.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

You're asleep.

Well, no.

It's still going to bother you, isn't it?

That you knew it was happening and you did it willingly.

It's not pleasant to go in and be made to go unconscious.

That's the unpleasant bit, isn't it?

And the pain.

Well, no, it's more the idea of it, isn't it?

That's why doctors tell you everything they're doing.

It's like, don't tell me.

You know what you're doing.

Just do it.

I'm going to have a do it.

You know, it's not like the IY people coming around and going, oh, what you should have done there is, and you can go, I'll have a go at that next time on my own without calling you out.

Forget kidney stones again.

I'm not going to go, oh, I've had it done before.

I know what to do.

I'll stick it up there.

Doesn't happen, does it?

But I can't.

What was I saying?

So, anyway, so she was pushing the the scanner over my kidneys and stuff.

Now,

it was weird with her

because

at no point did she make eye contact with me.

Well, I don't understand what that means.

Was she meant to wink and go, your kidneys are fucked?

No, but it's just weird that she probably spends her days looking inside people more than she does talking to people.

I just thought it was odd that she, that's that's how she sees people.

When she looks looks at people, she probably sees kidneys.

This doctor.

The woman doctor.

Well, doctor.

Uh, yeah.

Right.

So, what you're saying is the strange thing is that she often spends more time looking in people because she's a doctor than chatting to them.

Yeah.

And is it weird that Jonathan Ross is the other way around?

Because he's a chat show host.

He spends more time talking to people than looking inside them.

No, but even when I was asking,

when I was asking her questions, saying,

you you know, does it look all right?

What's it doing?

Is it moving about?

You know, asking her questions about my kidney, she could have quite easily just turned around and gave me a bit of eye contact.

She was looking constantly

looking at the screen in order to answer your questions.

Yeah, she's at work.

She's doing some.

No, but just if she was here now, going, Carl, what are you doing with that microphone?

You'd go, shut the fuck up.

I'm doing a podcast.

Did she run this scanner over your head?

And if so, did she find anything?

We'd like to try and educate Carl, Rick, as you know, as we have done since we've known him, really, and he doesn't really seem to absorb any information.

And I was asked recently when I was going back to Bristol if I would come and talk to a classroom of school children.

You know, just talking about careers and particularly my career.

And

I went down there.

It was in Bristol.

It was an inner-city school, quite rough area.

You're a son of Bristol.

You're right.

Exactly.

They love me.

You're a celebrated son of Bristol.

You're a golden globe-winning person who's returned to the homeland.

It annoys me when I go down there that I'm not met as I get off the train like the Beatles used to be when they came out from America.

By a mayor and a brass band.

Hordes of people ticker taking.

Wherever this day will be called Steve Merchand Day.

Exactly.

It frustrates me that I just sneak back into town.

There's no town fair.

But

basically, they asked me to come talk at this school, and I sort of batted them away and said I'm too busy.

And so I foolishly left them the opportunity to ask me again, which they did, and I didn't have a decent excuse, so I went.

And I was expecting to talk to maybe a room of six formers.

They were nine, these kids, nine, and ten years old.

But I realized as I was walking to the school, I was suddenly really nervous.

I was more nervous than anything I've ever done because I realised that I've not spoken to a child like that since I was a child myself.

I just, I've never interacted with them.

So I didn't know at what level I would be able to pitch this talk.

I didn't know what they understood, what ideas they understood.

Obviously, in my mind, I was picturing Carl, and then I was ratcheting it up a few years, sort of IQ-wise.

Yeah, yeah.

So, what did you talk to about?

And they were supposed to talk about careers, and I realised very quickly that they didn't really understand, conceptualized.

Did they know who you were?

Not really.

One or two of them vaguely knew.

One of them went, what's Richard Rage like?

And I said, You've got a deep voice.

Yeah.

Actually, that was one of the teachers.

And

I'm supposed to be talking about careers, how to get into careers.

And I start trying to explain the idea of being a writer, and I say that it's very important to be able to get inside other people's minds, you know, figure out how they think and how, you know, and try to understand other people.

But this, they didn't really seem to grasp.

They started talking amongst each other.

You know, they were just losing interest.

I lost them straight away.

I was devastated.

Oh, no.

So then, and this is the worst thing, right?

I started lying to them.

Because I realized that every time I told a slight lie,

Because I thought they'd be interested.

They were.

I know Justin Timberlake.

You're not joking, right?

They said, one of them said, I understand you used to be a DJ.

And I went, yeah, it's great being a DJ because you get to meet pop stars like Robbie Williams and Beyonce.

Never met either of them.

Never met them.

And they went, one of the kids went, what's Beyonce like?

And I went, and I went, jokingly, I went, you wouldn't like her.

I said, no, I'm joking.

I'm joking.

She's lovely.

She's sweet.

She's good as gold.

I was making it up.

But they were loving this.

And the teacher was going, would you all like to meet Beyoncé?

And they were going, yeah.

And I was thinking, God, what?

I'll bring her down tomorrow.

Well, exactly.

But I don't know why I felt the...

It was was like I wanted to win the approval of these nine-year-olds.

That's amazing!

Because my own achievements, I realized, wouldn't mean anything to them.

You know, I could talk about the people I have met, but they don't care if I've met Robert De Niro, but they're interested if I've met Girls Aloud.

Or me and Girls Aloud, some of the times we've had together, it turns out.

But it is fascinating when you have to interact with people, with children like that, because I've got no concept of how to talk to children.

To me, I can't grasp the difference really in conversation and chat between, say, a seven-year-old and a thirteen year old.

I don't know at what point they learn stuff and pick stuff up.

Do they understand?

You know what I mean?

I find it really interesting.

I remember once when I was about nine,

the headmaster, W Headmaster, used to do a little fable.

I've talked about him in a stand-up, he used to do a little fable.

There's one I remember where

he got a tube of toothpaste and he got someone up, he said,

you, um, got here, squeeze this tube of toothpaste out on this board.

And he squeezed it all out, right?

He squeezed it all all out and emptied it.

He went, No, put it back in.

And the kid tried to struggle.

He goes, You can't do it.

He said, It's easier to do something than undo it.

Okay, going back to class.

Like people are going, I get it.

I know what he means.

They're just thinking, don't squeeze all the toothpaste out.

Just save some.

I mean, you know, there's no way they're going to take on that metaphor at the age of 9.

It's not essential.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just stop misbehaving or I'll smack you.

That worked.

Carl, have you had to have any dealings with kids?

How do you get on with kids?

Do you relate to them?

Or are they just as angry and perplexed by your views as we are?

Uh I mean it's with everything, innit?

Everyone's different and that I can get on with some young kids alright, and some of them are like, you know, a bit cocky and what have you.

But

I'm sort of getting on with the baby at at the moment because I've been made a like a godfather.

Think of that.

So...

Wow, who did they reject?

I know.

No, I mean who said no?

Yeah,

well I did.

I did at first, and then Suzanne said, Look, you're not, you know, it's not really a choice.

It's not like a job interview or something that you're thinking about.

Is it a good thing?

So you've been asked.

You should take it on.

But what are they?

What if they.

Hold on.

If you're the godfather of this kid, presumably you're friends with them and they probably listen to this podcast.

So now they're hearing for the first time that you didn't want to be.

I think that's good because they can hear that, you know, it wasn't.

I didn't just do it because I was asked.

I thought about it.

I thought it through.

You know, I was worried.

It was kind of like, is this a job?

And

I was just nothing but tokenistic, is it?

You're not going to be able to do it.

Well, this is what I looked into.

I said, we went back and I said, right, I've been thinking about this thing.

I've heard that it's my job.

If anything happens to them, I've got to kick in.

I'd have to start looking after the baby.

So I said, right, how many of you are in your family?

If that happens, am I going to start getting a phone call or what?

And they said, no, there's a big family.

You're not, you know, you're at the bottom of the list.

So it was like, how many?

And just finding out what their age is.

And you know, if only got a small flat, it would have to sleep in the sink or something, right?

So I checked all that out and uh all safe.

So this uh this baby is spooking me out a bit'cause it doesn't blink.

And that's pretty weird when you're sort of talking to it and you're thinking

it's not blinking.

Are you sure it's not asleep?

No, it's honestly it's weird.

If something doesn't blink it's like it's it's evil.

'Cause blinking just makes something look a bit more friendly, doesn't it?

And I was stood there, you know, talking to it.

I just tell it little stories about anything.

It's lying there looking up at me.

How old is it?

It's about

must be about two and a half months.

Well, then, why are you telling it stories?

Because it likes it.

But it's just weird how, like, then I'll sort of forget the story because I'm looking at it going, it's not blinked yet.

It's been about ten minutes, it's not blinking.

So then I forget the end of the story and I just walk away because it's not bothered anyway, it's probably not listening, is it?

What a pointless tale!

What a pointless tale now and at the time.

I think it likes it.

The kids like stories, like you say, they're not bothered if it's not true or anything.

Or if you walk away before the ending because you've forgotten it.

That's why it's not blinking.

It's so dumbstruck at the idiocy coming out of your goal.

No, but you don't need to wear endings of stories.

Maybe, like I said,

that's the point of the story.

No, it's not.

That's the point where people that's why people like stories, because they're hooked into knowing what happened.

No, because there's loads of films that happen and they have a funny ending.

You leave there going, I wonder what was meant to happen.

And you make it up in your own head.

You go, well, I bet what happened is that person went off and got married to that woman and they lived out there.

And then in your head, it's the truth.

It's actually what happened.

But I think that's better.

Why are we told everything?

Would it be?

So, what would your end be to a story such as The Elephant Man?

Okay, he's rescued from the freak show,

he's put in the hospital, he becomes something of a celebrity.

Then what happens?

He discovered he had big ears and he could fly, and he

joined the circus and he was the the main attraction.

Um I wouldn't change change the end that much because at the end of the day you can't you can't make something up that's not believable.

At the end of the day he's got a head like an elephant.

He's not going to have a good life, is he?

So there's no point making out that he went on, loads of women fancied him and you know, he'd he modelled hats.

It's not going to happen.

So so he's got to die.

The elephant man had to die.

But at the same time was shot by poachers.

Just show just

a few positives, you know, because I'm sure there were good bits in his life.

I don't know what they were, but you know,

look at everything.

What was he like when he's a little baby elephant?

They didn't cover what he was like as a kid.

But you can get away with them sort of looks when you're a baby.

You can be an ugly baby, and everyone goes, Oh, isn't it nice?

There was some woman in a cafe the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talking loudly, going on about, oh, the baby's lovely.

They said it's got

lovely big eyes,

really big hands and feet.

Now, that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me.

I felt like saying it sounds like a frog, but I thought, I don't know her.

There's only so much you can say to a stranger.

I don't know what kept me from saying it.

That's what I was saying before about something.

There's something.

It sounds like a frog.

There's something inside of you that stops you.

Yeah, that's amazing that you have the urge to go.

That doesn't sound like a good baby.

What, love?

I'm just listening to to conversation.

That baby you're talking about sounds like a fucking front.

But something stopped him saying it.

I just came back from America and

they love Halloween.

They're obsessed over there.

I mean, it's a proper, proper thing out there.

Here it's sort of half-hearted, a few people, a few middle-class families, sort of.

but do you think it'll get more popular here though if we do find out that ghosts are about well that would that'll never happen because they're not no but if they did then suddenly that would be a big well America America makes things famous now um because of because of film culture and everything so yeah it's it's all it's all it's all from that I I doubt we uh celebrated much at all did we fifty years ago so I think it's correct certainly over here we didn't but it's been largely introduced over here through commercial ideas isn't it yeah Yeah.

We can sell stuff for hyper.

And film and things like that.

But out there,

they start like weeks and weeks before, and they're decorated like proper, proper.

But I saw a baker's, a little bakery

in Soho.

And

it didn't look right with cobwebs all over it and spiders on the buns.

Yeah.

But even though it's fake,

it's just, I don't think you should do it on a bakery.

Do you know what I mean?

That surely puts you off the product a little bit.

I always find it a bit depressing.

Like, last I remember going into supermarkets and you see sort of these old women who, you know, in their 60s and they're doing this job they don't really want to be doing, but they've been made to dress up

as a witch or as Cinderella.

And it just...

Well, they could do it in like a morgue or something just to sort of brighten up the place.

Well, just so people aren't that scared.

Imagine that.

Imagine you're going to identify

your dead relative and they go, well, spiders all over.

It's 31st of October.

Oh, okay.

But just make it a bit spookier and have a bit of fun with it and let's not get serious about, you know, like I say, passing on.

Yeah, but those people have to take their job seriously.

I remember when my mum died and

I had to go along and I was talking about

the what wreath they wanted and this this person,

quite rightly, had to turn off their sense of humour in a way because I suppose they're so they mustn't offend anyone.

So I had to they spoke like that at all times.

At all times.

Okay, and what what um would you like the wreath to say?

Um she was a mother and a a grandmother.

I went, yeah, ma mother, grandmother, and and uh what was her name?

I said uh her name was um Eva.

I said um and I made a joke.

I said do we get a discount?

'Cause her name's short.

And she went, well, actually, um

didn't laugh, didn't get her talk.

She just went, just answered the question.

She went, Well, actually, you pay by the letter.

I thought, okay, that fell flat.

I'll go again.

I went, well, a friend used to call her E.

Yeah, yeah.

I went, I'm joking.

She went, okay.

Nothing.

Yeah.

Bad audience.

Bad time, bad audience.

Tough crowd.

Yeah, Undertaker who's never known for their audience.

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

They don't crack jokes, Carl.

A friend of mine

was

trained to be a doctor.

And in his first year,

when they actually practiced, they intern at the hospital,

he was watching this patient.

And

two other doctors came in, and I won't say his name.

They said,

can you go and check on Mr.

So-and-so?

He went, yeah.

And change his drip.

So he went in, changed his drip.

Came back out.

The doctors came after about 10 minutes.

They came running and said, what did you do?

What did you do?

And they went in there.

He said, I just changed the drip.

He goes, Well, he's dead.

He's dead.

He's going, I just changed the drip.

I did this and that.

And they started laughing.

He goes, No, he was dead when we sent you in there.

Yeah.

Now, that is almost excusable because it's imperative if you're a doctor to become accustomed to

the fact that people die and that it's a drug.

Exactly.

Yeah, so they were making a joke about a dead body that means nothing to them other than professionally.

You know, they were getting through it.

He thought he'd just murdered someone.

Yeah.

Well, he thought he just killed someone.

But yeah, they have to be desensitised.

But they wouldn't do that in front of the relatives.

They wouldn't go.

I had a laugh earlier with a young intern.

When your dad died, we sent him in to change the drip.

Didn't even check.

It was quite good.

Anyway, let's get him out of here.

But they do have a laugh.

I heard about a doctor who was working on a brain.

Right.

And apparently, when they work on the brain, it's best if they keep you awake.

Because,

you know, just so you can go, that hurts a bit.

And they go, oh, we best not touch that bit again.

That's the reason it's.

Amazing.

That's the reason it's a bit of a bad thing.

No, there is amazing.

There are certain operations, isn't he, where they go, you know, we can knock you out for that, but for this one, we want to know.

It's probably because the brain needs to be active in order to

be sure, yeah, so you can wake up and go, yeah, no, that hurt the bag.

That stings.

Hell, that stings.

Don't put that in there.

You can't feel anything in the brain, anyway.

No nerve endings.

Really?

You can't.

Can't feel it, can you?

Well, maybe there's another reason.

But anyway, his head's open.

He's sat on this chair.

The doctor's going to be.

I reckon he was laying down.

I thought he was laying down, but in your world, he's not sat on a hard-backed.

I think it's more like in front of a mirror, like a hairdresser type thing, right?

And he's cut the skin off.

The cookie kit?

Yeah, gave a bit shorter there.

So he's over the weekend, sir?

I won't be shagging with no brain.

Anyway, so he's cut the skin off and

you know, chopped a bit.

And you're always going to get bits, aren't you?

Sort of.

Whenever you cut anything, you end up with a bit missing.

But anyway, somehow

he does the brain stuff, he fixes it.

I don't know what he was doing, but it's not a thing.

You don't know the intricacies of brain surgery, that I fiperplexing.

So, you're not a neurosurgeon.

I don't want to do that.

So, they sorted out the problem, right?

And he goes, right, all we've got to do now is stick the head bit back on.

Yeah.

That's what it's called, by the way.

This happened.

This happened.

Yeah.

The head bit's connected to the face bit.

So he sticks it.

Nurse, head bit.

Doctor, do you need leg bit?

Not yet, nurse.

Head bit, then leg bit.

So they stuck the head bit back on.

And then.

Can you pass me the sharpie-sharpie thing.

He was trying to sew it and he was going, this isn't fitting this.

He's going, I don't know.

And do you know, like, because the patient's not going to be...

But if this turns out that it's someone else's head, or a toupee from the doctor next to him, or a cat.

Wow!

You've sewn a cat to my brain!

None of that.

He's trying to sew it and he's thinking, why isn't it fitting?

And he's thinking, is it because the head's swollen?

Because, you know, he's been messing about in it and things swell, don't they?

And messed around with.

So he's messing with it.

He's going, I don't understand this.

And he's panicking a bit because the patient's awake and chatting and stuff.

And, you know, it's difficult to have a normal chat when you're panicking a lot.

I know there's a cue as well.

People want their brain done, and they're reading old copies of magazines.

They're going, Hurry up.

So I'm going out tonight.

Do you want to wash it?

No, no, no, just I'll wash it later.

Just just

take it off, do the brain, put it back on.

Anyway, what happens is he has to start rubbing.

He has to start rummaging, sort of rummaging.

Rummaging.

Rummaging.

No!

There's no end before the first G.

Rummaging.

Well, he starts looking through the,

he starts having a look through the bin.

Oh, what?

Because he knows he's chucked a bit away of the skin.

Right.

Where is this surgery where a bloke's sitting up in front of a mirror and there's a bin?

Is there a little basketball ring above the bin as well?

So when he throws things, it goes through there first.

I'm just saying that's what happened.

And you were saying about things that happen, and you've got a joke about that.

So he's rummaging, and what happens?

He said to him, He said, the fellow was starting to sense the nervousness, and he said, What's going on here?

And he says, Oh, I'm never going to believe it.

I've lost a bit of your skin.

Lost a bit of your your head, yeah.

I can't see it.

Why is he cut?

I don't understand.

Why is there

because things just break up, don't they?

It's like chicken.

When you see him walking around, everything's in place and it sticks together.

You cook it, suddenly it all breaks up.

He'd cooked his face before he cut it off.

I'm just saying how flesh it sticks together well.

He'd cooked the scalp before he'd taken it off his head.

No, but it's just an example of how skin can break up with the muscles and everything.

So he's rummaging in the bin, and does he find the hair?

He found the bit, and then he's like, Oh, sorry about that.

And he sort of managed to stick it on.

Right, he didn't wash it off or anything.

Yeah, I'm sure he gives it a bit of a rinse.

But I'm just saying how

you've got to make a joke out of stuff, haven't you?

Yeah, it's bottled up.

If you're a doctor.

Okay, that's good.

So, where was the joke in that story?

At what point did when I thought this was a story about how doctors have a sense of humour when they didn't get it?

And he sort of laughed and he sort of said, Oh, there you go, it's back on.

But oh, good job, you know, the bin men didn't come or whatever.

And he made a joke out of it.

I've never heard such nonsense.

I've never heard such nonsense.

Right, Carl, let's do a competition.

Chance to win some of the product that we've got out that Carl doesn't want to

talk about because he's too lazy.

No, it's not that.

Well, if you do want to win a copy of this book, Ricky Jermase presents the world of Carl Pilkerton.

It's by all three of us.

And it's some of the

musings and thoughts and ideas from the podcasts.

Carl has

got some new theories.

It's illustrated throughout.

By Carl Pilkington.

By Carl Pilkington.

It's got excerpts from the diary.

They're genuine, aren't they?

They're just photo-statted things from the diary that people haven't seen.

And it's fascinating to read.

We can sign that.

We can also give you a copy of this new three-disc set, CD of the best of.

Is it the first series of the Riki Duvay show?

Yeah, well, it's got everything actually.

It's got the whole 12 first series that we did with Guardian Unlimited, the award-winning, record-breaking podcast.

It's also got some excerpts.

If you want the best of, you can put that on.

And it's got one hour of new material, which we recorded especially for it.

But you can't get that.

You can't buy that in the shops to the 13th of November.

And I'll throw in the new Flannibles book.

Flannibles are the Deep.

It's the third in the trilogy, Carl.

Are you excited about that?

Yeah.

And the question is.

Do you want them?

Okay, that's the quiz question.

That's the quiz question, yeah.

Okay.

Is that the third question?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's just the the first correct answer.

I'm not going to worry what the correct answer is, but do you want them?

And think,

if you do want them, then that might, you know,

what's the answer?

And you can send that to podcast at rickygervase.com.

Include your name and address, and if you're the lucky winner, then we will send this stuff to you if you want it.

And it's the first come, first serve.

Okay, so the first correct answer to the question,

do you want it?

Do you want that stuff?

Do you want

flannels and the CD box set in the book and that?

Okay, well, if you know the correct answer to that, podcast at rookiejavase.com.

Good luck, everyone.

Well, thank you for listening to the first of these three special podcasts with Guardian Unlimited.

The next one is out for Thanksgiving,

23rd of November.

We don't actually celebrate Thanksgiving.

What is Thanksgiving?

It's a thing in America.

Right.

It's

like the big holiday.

Probably rivals Christmas.

Probably bigger than Christmas in.

Well, what do we do here?

But we don't celebrate here, do we?

So?

It's a date, isn't it?

Yeah, but no one's going to remember that, are they?

23rd of November, they can remember, can't they?

Yeah, but it's nice.

Well, they should remember that's one day before my birthday if we're going to celebrate anything.

Okay.

Well,

you've got this one.

The next one's the 23rd of November, and the next one's the 25th of December.

Can we...

Well, how can I remember 25th of December?

Fair enough past Christmas, but Thanksgiving, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving.

Okay, the next one's out about the 23rd of of November.

Then after that,

my birthday before my birthday.

Oh, they're going to remember that, aren't they?

It's Steve Day in Bristol.

Yeah.

Anyway, if you've enjoyed this special edition of the Ricky Gervais Show, the entire back catalogue is still available on iTunes under audiobooks, by the way, not podcasts, audiobooks, and you can get everything we've ever done.

I'd like to thank the guys at Positive Internet for hosting this.

Those great guys, what would we do without them?

So, it's goodbye from me.

Goodbye from Steve Merchant.

Bye.

And goodbye from Carl Pilgerton.

The Ricky Gervais show on Guardian Unlimited.