Guardian S3E6 (September 26, 2006)

Hello, and welcome to the last in this series of six of the Ricky Devae Show with me, Ricky Devay, Steve Murchin.

Hello, and Carl Pilkington.

Hi.

Kyle, as you're aware, you've obviously got many celebrity fans.

David Bowie is a fan, people involved with creating The Simpsons.

And you've also got a new fan, Warwick Davis, who is the short actor that many people will see in films like Return of the Jedi.

He also is in Harry Potter.

He's three foot six, and Ricky and I worked with him recently on extras.

And far from asking us about the many celebrity names that we've worked with, the only person who's interested in talking about, of course, Mr.

Kay Pilkington.

He wanted to meet you, Carl.

Yeah.

Well, is he alright to get on with?

Why wouldn't he be?

Just because sometimes when people aren't normal, it's just.

Sorry?

No, I just mean when someone like I've met a few little people in my time.

The one that

I met a little fellow once, and he was alright.

He got drunk really quick.

But he was alright, but it took me by surprise.

Only because, like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing.

And then if I lived with the little fellow, I'm sure we'd get on a storm.

There's a TV show waiting to happen.

Would you know when you met Steve for the first time?

No, we've done it, you know, when he walks in, it's just a bit of a oh, he's different.

But then I d I see Steve every week and, you know, the same way I say I like watching Elephant Man, from the first time I watched it to the last, totally different.

When he walks in the first time, it's like, Oh, God, look at that.

It's a mess, isn't it?

When I watch it again, it's kind of like, Oh, here he is, here's John.

So it doesn't it things wear off.

That's that's like the world, isn't it?

Things don't amaze you as much as you see things and you use things often.

And it's the same with the little fellow you're talking about.

First time I see him, it I'd I'd be a little bit like, Oh, what do you say?

You know, what shouldn't I say?

Whereas once you get to know him, I'm sure he'd it'd be a lovely little fella.

I don't know where to start, Steve.

Well, Warwick, I think, suspected as much.

Um

he's offered you uh an interesting fact, actually.

You're wearing headphones now.

Apparently, you wear those headphones for just one hour, and it will multiply the amount of bacteria in your ear by over seven hundred times.

But why is he worrying about that?

I mean,

well, he's not worried about it, he thinks it's of interest to you because you're wearing headphones.

It's part of your profession.

You wear headphones, yeah.

But Warwick asks, really,

what are your thoughts on short people, particularly in entertainment?

Because, of course, they've throughout the ages made an appearance, particularly in fiction.

Tom Thumb, of course,

the Oompa Lumpas.

What do I think of them?

He's just wondering, I suppose, what your take is.

They're alright.

I mean, when I was on jury duty,

when you go in in the morning, you have to go into a big

sort of waiting room.

And every day I'd sort of see one pop in, and he'd be sort of struggling, getting on the chair.

And it sort of

was kind of something to watch.

It was different.

That's what's good with things in life.

If you look at stuff and you go, oh, look at that.

And seeing him struggle on the chair, he was happy.

He wasn't struggling in a way that he felt uncomfortable.

He'd obviously climbed a lot of chairs in his time.

And this was just another one.

And

watching him, it just makes you think, you go, you know, I should appreciate that I don't have that problem every time I have to sit down and what have you.

But

I don't think it's that bad.

If I had to pick being really tall or really small, I'd go for the really small one because,

you know, the world's a more interesting place for him, isn't it?

Everything's bigger.

Do you know what I mean?

We go to New York and go, wow, look at this.

And there you go, and they go, oh, deal.

Do you know what I mean?

Everything's a lot bigger.

Everything's more amazing.

Food portions.

Everything's a bonus.

So out of the two, I'd be small.

And maybe that's what I'd chat to Warwick about for a bit, just to

get to know him.

Brilliant.

It's a shame in a way that he's not been able to pop in.

I'd like to hear that conversation.

But I've got,

you know, speaking of like weird stuff and that, I've got a new

got a new book.

Do you know I had that freaks book?

The top fifty freaks.

Got a new one sent to me.

Really?

Yeah, and do you know like everything

normally has a name?

So, like, if it's

the two-headed fella, you know, they're all nicknames like that, aren't they?

They've got two nicknames, I imagine.

But this new book I've got, right, on the cover of this one, it's got like a woman with three breasts, right?

And she's called the three-breasted woman, as you'd expect.

And there's what else was in there?

There's

a fella,

the one-face.

Why is she posing mute, though?

That's what I want to know.

Showing off.

It's not the worst disability, is it?

Well, just as you've got three, it doesn't mean you have to get them out for the

lads, does it?

Tart.

I know.

Well, she looked happy.

And there was a fella with like one face but two bodies.

One face but two bodies.

One face, two bodies.

What do you you mean, one face, two bodies?

Surely one head, two bodies.

Head as well, but it was mainly the face that was weird because he looked fed up.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What do you mean?

How did it join to the neck?

No, it did have a head, but the fact is, it was weirder that it had one face to me.

What do you mean?

Well, you've got one head, you'll have one face.

Yeah, I know, but it was just the fact that he had one face and two bodies that I didn't think was.

But why do you keep saying one face and two bodies as opposed to one head and two bodies?

We're all the man with one face.

Yeah, but no, I've got one body.

Yeah, well, surely he's the man with two bodies then.

Again, the description.

Roll up, roll up, see the man with one face.

I know, yeah.

He's just got like a face and then one neck, and then it splits off into two bodies.

It's really weird.

Honestly, it's weird.

It was ages ago.

No.

No, it doesn't happen.

So it's full of stuff like that, right?

And what I'm saying is that fella, you know, the one-faced man, the three-breasted woman.

He wouldn't be known as the one-faced man, is what I'm saying.

Well, they've all

the peculiar thing about him.

Well, they all had names like that, but he was one thing in it that didn't even have a nickname.

It was so weird.

What do you mean?

It was just it just said unidentified.

What does it look like?

Um,

sort of sort of testicles for eyes.

That's that's that's It just reminded me when you were talking about the body.

What do you mean, testicles fries?

And did they have a normal body?

I didn't even look at that.

Oh, fuck.

So that's what I'm saying, though.

You're attracted to the oddness of the thing.

And that's what I was saying about Warren when he walks in.

Warwick.

You know,

it'll be odd for a minute.

And then I'm sure they'll get used to it.

They'll get used to you.

You know, I mean, like I've said, I'm surprised that things like that don't happen more because especially after being in hospital and seeing how the body works and that you have no idea how the body works.

No, honestly, I've got my round it.

Right, you have no idea.

You've learnt nothing.

I've got my head round it.

You've learnt nothing since the age of seven.

I've got my head around it a bit more, and the way that there's loads of people in the world, and yet you don't see people with like dangly eyes more often, it amazes me.

I love the fact that he's amazed by not seeing three.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's incredible.

He's walking down the street going, everyone's got one head.

That's weird.

Suzanne, see any dangly eyes today?

No, me neither.

It's weird, isn't it?

What's going on in the world?

Warwick's not been the only correspondent.

We've had a number of people.

Remember, years ago, we used to encourage people to send in questions, and those questions have been drifting in ever since, really.

Just things that people want to throw at you, see how your mind works, Carl.

Do you mind answering a few?

I suppose you might loosely term these philosophical questions, or at least questions that might help you think, ponder on some of the bigger ideas.

This is your forte, Carl, philosophy, isn't it?

Question one.

Carl, are all men born equal?

Well, it talks about Warren.

Warwick.

Say, if like the pillow man, right?

The fellow with no arms and legs.

If everyone was like that, he wouldn't be

that wouldn't be a disability.

He'd be equal to everyone else, wouldn't he?

When someone fights for equality, it doesn't mean they want to be treated literally the same.

For example,

it's usually about a prejudice, isn't it?

Or a lack of opportunity.

If

you were

just to think of equal opportunities in terms of a job,

if you needed someone

for a lookout on a lighthouse and a blind person went along,

they

couldn't do the job.

Whereas if it was listening for stuff and you didn't give it to the blind person because you were worried about mmm, don't know blind people, that would be

imposing a prejudice because he could hear as well as you.

So if he was the best for that job, he should get it despite his other disability.

But I'm pretty sure, yeah, your ears are important in a light.

I'm pretty sure he's coming down on the wrong side of the argument, Steve.

Keep going, keep going.

Go on.

No, I just want to hear it.

I mean, say you want to

go for any job, go for it, but then don't moan

if you don't get it.

That's that's all I think.

Is that your equal opportunity statement?

That's your statement.

Well, I don't tech anyone on, so I don't have all these worries.

But I'm just saying, if I was in charge of that lighthouse and the deaf fella turned up,

was he deaf or blind?

Well, it depends.

I gave you two of them.

So, it's a deaf guy and a blind guy, and no one else.

I put another advert in

Okay, well we've

got another question here, which I suppose in some respects is along the same lines.

Do you believe in the notion that history is written by the victors?

And consequently.

Well, I don't tell him what the upshot is.

No, I was just saying, consequently, what does that mean?

Yeah, sorry, yeah, sorry.

And consequently, what does that mean for history as we understand it?

Just that

stuff's written by the people who won it, type thing.

Won what?

Won whatever they did.

But what?

Yeah.

Well, if it's a war, the ones that won it wrote it.

But of course, you're going to do that.

That's what you do, innit?

You shout about it if you win something.

If you lose, you go, don't talk about that.

It's not a problem.

No, no, it doesn't mean that.

Because they're not around.

Well, it means very often if

someone has conquered a nation or set up

a dominance somewhere, that they keep an eye on on what goes out, what's

propaganda or whatever, or what's taught in schools.

But it's even more significant than that because it comes down to the very, very minute pieces of information that we see in every walk of life.

Prior to black people having their freedom when they were slaves, history, or the history of black people, was not being written by black people.

Therefore it was always seen through white eyes, which often explained, justified, or excused or dismissed or didn't even mention many of the abhorrent things that happened.

So it's hugely significant.

Um

I suppose you can have bring out two books, you know.

I mean there's loads of books, isn't he?

I've brought one out.

If if I can get one out, bring let let let the losers bring one out.

Is what I mean?

Just let everyone have a book.

And then you decide.

You know, let people decide which one they want to read.

Um I think they did it with some story where it was like you decide the end.

Okay.

that was largely a pointless exercise, wasn't it?

He's got no idea.

Carl, do you believe that the future is fixed?

Do you believe that your life unfolds as a matter of destiny?

I've heard something about this

where there's some system

that it is laid out for you.

And even if you want, say if I wanted chicken for my tea,

I really fancy having chicken.

But when I get to the supermarket, the fellow goes, I'm going to chicken, you're having beef.

They say that that was already laid out for you, and that day you were having beef, no matter what happened.

Fatalism.

There's a slightly more attractive theory called determinism, where they say it's not.

Well, that's if you want chicken, you'd go to the next supermarket and you'd go, well, I'm going to find it.

Yeah, it doesn't mean you're determined in that sense, like you've got a, you're definitely going to have chicken tonight.

It means that it was determined, as in predetermined.

But all determinism basically says is that you know it's not whether you can you know choose, it's whether you can choose your choice

because

it's you know, it's to do with brain states.

And we think we

have the illusion of free will because you go, oh,

I have a drink, oh, fancy Coke.

But something in you happened that meant you wanted Coke.

Well, this is weird, right?

Because do you know how I've been in hospital having me kidney stones done and what have you?

Well as they do in hospitals and this is why I don't like going in and did I just try and explain determinism to Carl Pilkington?

Yeah I fuck am I thinking but I mean what what am I thinking?

It just made you look you look more of an idiot than I'm I know exactly.

Yeah I feel stupid.

But I'm in hospital right and like I've said to you the annoying thing is when you're in hospital they didn't just have a play about with the kidney.

Whilst they're there they're fiddling about with other bits right?

And they're like, oh, let's have a fish.

They lie with us.

No, no, but that's what they do whilst you're in.

Let's have a, you know, prod about.

They took some blood, right?

And they said to us, they said, now, the weird thing is,

these kidney stones you had, it was probably caused by too much calcium.

That's what they are.

They're a calcium buildup where you're not flushing it out, and so it's.

Yeah.

Now, the weird thing is there,

I don't like having corn flakes.

So, what I'm saying is what you were just saying there is your mind or whatever.

I've asked you before, I don't know what's in charge, but

you don't, do you?

Say, like, when I get up in the morning, normally Suzanne will have some rice krispies.

And she's like, Do you want some?

Right?

Just have some.

And I'm like, no.

Now, that isn't me saying no.

That's the calcium.

That's my body going, I don't need any milk.

Don't give me milk.

I'll have a crump it.

So bear in mind, Rick, that in the space of three minutes, we've gone from your definition of determinism to him having a lovely crumpet for breakfast.

There's no one else in the world you can have a conversation with where you can make that distance

that quickly.

But it is interesting how my body, have you ever had it right?

Sometimes I can go ages.

Your body lied to you because your body said you don't need water, you don't need water, you don't need water.

Oh, yeah.

Like today before I left, Suzanne said, What do you want?

Straight away, I said, I need some leeks.

Now,

that operation I've had has obviously taken out whatever the leaks give me.

I'm lacking on that.

See, I think he probably has it more than the rest of us because I think he uses his subconscious more than us.

We think about stuff.

He is like the leech that is going on chemical memory.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, he's only gone and rained down.

That jingle there signifying, of course, once again, another reading from the diary of Carl Pilkington.

Now, of course, for those of you who have not been keeping abreast of Carl's medical complaints, just brings up the speed, Carl.

You had to go into hospital this week?

Because previously you'd had to.

I've been in and out, honestly, I've been in and out of that hospital just with kidney problems,

really painful and what have you.

And

you had kidney stones, all right, but seriously.

Monday.

I had a bit of a lion today because I have to get up early for my operation tomorrow.

Not only have I got to have tubes shoved up me knob, but I also have to get up at 5.50.

Suzanne said I could have what I want for my last dinner.

It's not your last dinner, you're going for operation.

Yeah, but you can't take things for granted these days.

I had Shepherd's pie and peas.

Suzanne made it from scratch.

As nice as it was, it was annoying.

Cause making stuff from scratch means loads of pots, and it's my job to do the washing up.

So much as the food was nice, there was loads of pans and that.

People who get their last dinner on death row don't have to wash up.

Got up at 5.55.

You were supposed to be getting up at 5.50 on the other page.

You were five minutes late getting up.

He's often late.

Often late.

No, just because I needed to have water.

Before six o'clock, they said, don't have anything after six.

Well, get up at 5.50 then, like you're planning to.

Don't take five minutes later.

It doesn't take 10 minutes to have water, though, does it?

Well, why did you say 5.50 in the first place?

Because then it tricks me head, doesn't it?

Going, oh, I had an extra five minutes.

Tricks me head.

Because then it tricks me head.

It

got to the hospital and had to wait in the waiting room.

There was another nine people in there waiting to be sorted.

I got called in.

They sat me on a bed and took all my details down.

Five minutes later I'd been knocked out.

I got woke up when they were ripping a pipe out of my throat.

I felt more rough this time.

The doctor came to see me and said he couldn't find a stone so I must have passed it.

I said, Are you sure?

He said, Yeah, we filled your kidney with water and expanded it and there was no hiding place.

I sat in the recovery room for an hour while they found me a bed.

One of the fellows who was sat in the room with me this morning got wheeled in.

They couldn't wake him up.

All the nurses were laughing because he didn't want to wake up.

I bet they were laughing at me when I was in the theatre.

Someone told me they totally strip you when they're operating.

I would have looked like the alien on the Boswell incident.

Boswell!

Boswell!

It's quite a nice analogy if it weren't for the fact that you said Boswell.

It's the Roswell incident.

Didn't sleep much through the night because there was...

a sixty-year-old fella shouting at the nurse about his pillows.

I don't think I slept through a full hour with one thing or another going on.

My bed was next to the toilet, so I kept hearing the flush.

How do they sleep in hospitals, though?

They wake you up to give you fucking sleeping pills and things, don't they?

How do you sleep in there?

It's always hot.

It's always like 90 degrees.

There's no air.

Is that to make you drink water?

I don't know what it is.

There's no air.

There was an old fellow across from me who kept breaking wind.

He didn't even try and cover it.

He was just of that age where he didn't care.

Just like, that's what I do.

I'm in a hospital, leave me alone.

What do you mean?

Just, I don't know what was wrong with him.

He's uh I talked to him because at first I felt sorry for him.

I was a little bit like, you know, he's had no visitors, no one's calling him up, so I'll talk to him.

But then he got that familiar with me that he'd just be doing it whilst I'm chatting to him.

Just like he's my granddad or something.

It's just like, oh, that's what he does.

It's like, well, I'm ill as well.

Stop doing that.

Honestly, unbelievable.

He didn't even try and cover it with a cough.

It was just like, that's.

With a cough.

How How would you cover it with a cough?

Just non-stop.

Got home and sat down.

My pains are coming back, but the doctor said this would happen.

At my insides are still in shock, so I need to take it easy.

It's nine o'clock.

I'm in agony.

I can't do the diary for the rest of the day.

Jesus.

So you may as well just tell us then what happened.

Right, well, yeah, after that,

went back in.

Suzanne just got frustrated with me because I was rolling about on the floor and she was trying to watch Arthur.

Right?

So that was on the other night.

I was with your lodger.

And she said, Look, if you're in pain, do something.

She said, you know, you went and got a cold plate.

Yeah.

No, use an ashtray.

Plates are for liver damage.

She said, right, come on.

Let's.

She can't put up with this.

It was like two o'clock in the morning.

So we left the flat or what have you.

Got in a taxi.

He filled up on the way, which was annoying.

He did it.

He's cheeky.

On the way to the hospital.

Because he's not an ambulance driver.

Did you explain that to the where you're not going to be able to do that?

I was in that sort of thing where you just can't be bothered.

Do you know what I mean?

I was in a sweat and sweat.

He came back with a scratch card and some barbecue briquettes.

So anyway, he gets us there and he doesn't charge us, which is pretty decent office.

That's right, yeah.

So I go in, and there's like, I don't know if you've been in like A and E at like one and a half, two in the morning, it's just depressing.

Fluorescent light doesn't help because it makes everyone look iller than they actually are.

So

in there, there was a woman who was just sat there crying.

She wasn't holding onto any part of her body, she was just sat there whinging.

And when you're feeling bad, you've got that going on.

So, you just want to tell her to shut up.

There was a fella who was like moped over in a wheelchair that someone had just chucked in.

Moped over.

It looked like somebody had just sort of found him and wheeled him in.

Nurse?

Who's the guy moped over?

So, this gay fella came through.

How did you know he was gay?

Just the way he was.

I'm not having a go.

He was a good fella.

Do you know what I mean?

He's a doctor, you mean?

No,

he was a nurse.

Right.

And he came through and just sort of went, oh, how are you?

And I was like, oh, I've had better days.

So he got a little bit of a drink.

As you mentioned in the diary, I remembered the first time when I came here, they said the nurse might put a tablet at my arse.

I thought the chances of that happening had just increased.

Oh, God.

Yeah, but I would have let him do it.

Honestly, I was that sort of out of it.

Of course, you'd let him do it.

He's a qualified nurse.

No, but the way I am now, say if it was just a tablet for sorting out my blood pressure and I walked in there and he went oh hello and he said yeah let's pop that I'd go hang on a minute

but what I mean is that night I would I would have just let him put three up honestly

it's just weird innit how your body just goes let him get on with it and you let you trust anyone don't you when when you're in that much pain and you need and they're a qualified nurse yes

they uh in gave me some morphine and my sort of head caved in again like last time and then the pain went but anyway um just turns out that I'd had a load of like blood clots in the bit from my kidney to my bladder and that was acting as a sort of a stone again.

So that's a scab, isn't it?

Where it's securing it.

No, but all the work, when they blew up the kidney, they blew up the kidney four times its normal size, so there was no hiding place for the stone.

So when they did that, it caused a lot of blood, it must have ripped the sides of it and stuff.

And then that blood was in the kidney and it went down the pipe and blocked it up a little bit.

And that's the pain that I had.

It was sort of I had problems getting through all this thick blood that they caused.

So,

the weirdest thing that happened when I was in there, right,

the morning

after I'd had the morphine and what have you, right, I slept pretty well.

But I woke up, and you have like a telly for your own bed

that you're allowed to use if you pay for it, right?

So, the glow from that woke me up because they come on at about ten past seven and the telly's in front of your head, right?

So, you're getting this glow, and you're going, oh, what's that?

And I looked at it, and all it had written on it is: Carl

received bad news about your father.

And I was like,

is this what they do now?

Because it's such a big hospital, that they just text you sort of news to your bed.

And I was kind of like,

like I say, it was early, it was 10 past seven or whatever.

Thinking, what's going on?

I didn't have my mobile.

Suzanne took that.

And I was looking at it, I read it again.

I thought, it might come up with more, like, what's up with him?

Turns out out it was just a review for Neighbours.

It just tells you

what's on the telly that day.

And there's some fella in Neighbours who's called Carl, whose dad went bad.

So that sort of woke me up a bit.

I had a bit of a shock then.

It was kind of like, so I was wide awake at like quarter past seven in the morning because my heart went a bit fast because I thought something would happen to my dad.

Carl, of course, has written a poem about the experience entitled My Ward.

All I've done here, I've been through a, you know, I don't know what the word is, a bad experience.

Trauma.

A trauma, yeah, I've been through a load of trauma.

So I'm just finishing it off with a little sort of picture for people

in my ward.

I know it's called me ward.

Me, a Chinese fella, and an old bloke who looked like Mr.

Burns from The Simpsons.

Don't know what was wrong with him, but breaking wind was the symptoms.

No one visited him or called him.

He seemed quite lost to me.

As well as wind problems, he had a colostomy.

When I left, I said, see you to the old man.

Turned out the other fella wasn't Chinese, he was from Japan.

I never found out what was up with him.

You've got a little picture there, haven't you, of me sat in my ward and sat there with that fella who I didn't talk to, the old fellow who had wind problems.

And that's what a poem is, innit?

But the detail about he thought he was Chinese and he turned out to be Japanese, how is that evocative?

That's just a piece of misinformation.

It's just

I imagine a lot of people make digital presses.

I like it, because you know why?

It's like he even makes digressions within his poem.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like he could have gone back and erased that, but he didn't.

He left that digression in.

And I think that's great.

It's pretty honest.

Yeah.

So, you know, you've done quite a few bits there from the diary, right?

The other week you were saying a diary to sort of be famous and what have you, it's got to have a big event in it.

That's a big event in my life, right?

Pepys did a diary that had big events in it.

You said about the fire on pudding lane.

I had a kidney stone here.

You write about puddings, you had.

So, is that now, is that as big as

a proper diary thing?

It's a proper diary anyway.

I think personally, the five or six pages you've written about your ill health are genuinely interesting, and I'm sure in years to come people it will be an interesting evocation of the NHS in this modern age and how it is what it's like to be in hospital.

What other diaries are out there?

Well, a lot of them are fictional, of course.

Bridget Jones and the like.

There are lots of memoirs.

But I published a whole diary.

Well, the two most famous diaries, I'd have thought was Pepys and Anne Frank.

But Kenneth Williams' diaries were published after his death.

Many celebrity diaries have been published.

Alec Guinness, people like that.

And is that just their last year, or did they do it when they were doing a lot?

Because if they're old and sort of not working well, a diary doesn't isn't that good.

Well, often the the moments you know prior to their passing are some of the most interesting.

You see, their their final thoughts and final days.

Yeah, but are they just you say different things when you're ill.

When I was on that table about to go under and you're thinking this might be it, different thoughts on the world.

Do you know what I mean?

Different priorities.

What's the most profound thing that you thought that you know it was because of your illness?

Um just as I went under, the last thing I said to this woman was, Oh, you look different with that on.

And

oh, you look different with a hat on.

Yeah, it was a woman who gave me the injection, and she'd been round to the bed beforehand, sort of saying, Right, you're allergic to this.

Can you eat strawberries?

And I was a bit like, Why are you asking me that?

And she went, Well, no, a lot of people are allergic to strawberries.

And I was saying, But is there any trace of strawberries in the stuff?

And she's like, No, it's just that a lot of people are.

And I said, Well, no, I eat them.

And then she's like, What about fish?

And I said, I like some, but I haven't had them all.

And then she turned to Suzanne at that point and said,

Do you know of anything you can't eat?

She sort of said, like turning to the mother, yeah, when the child can't answer.

But

this was this woman, and she didn't have a hat on or anything.

And then when I went down there, I didn't realise it was the same woman until I was lying there and she started to inject me.

And I just said, Oh, you look different with that on.

And then I went out.

And

when I woke up, the woman sort of came round and just sort of said, Oh, it's weird that that was the last thing, like you said.

And that made me think that could have been my last, you know, like fight them on the beaches or whatever.

That could have been my little thing.

You look different with a hat on, Kyle Parkington.

Oh, God.

In its own way, it is quite wise.

People do look different with hats on.

I think his last words would be something like, Can this kill you?

Yeah.

Suzanne, can you drink bleach?

So that's it.

That's the end of this series, the third series of the Ricky Gervet Show.

Um we'll have to give it a rest for a while, won't we?

I'm exhausted.

Um thank you everyone who uh um bought the series.

Uh uh

all twenty-four episodes we've ever done are available on iTunes.

So um

uh

yeah, if you haven't heard them,

maybe we should do a free one now and again over the coming years.

Should we retire from podcasting and audiobooks?

We've made our point, haven't we?

I think we've made the point.

Yeah, I mean, you always leave them wanting more.

And let's be honest, we passed that long ago.

So we may as well stop now at as good a time as any.

So for so let's say, let's never say never, but for quite a while,

it's goodbye from me, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant.

Goodbye.

And Carl Pilkington.

Bye.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news, you little round-headed

right, years ago,

people only drank water,

didn't they?

How long ago are we talking?

Going back a bit.

Okay.

And it was just the norm.

Everybody was happy with that.

It was kind of like, you know, what you're thirsty, yeah, have some water.

It was just what you did.

And it was more of.

Well, no, not only water.

No, it was.

It was kind of like.

They drank milk at birth, didn't they?

Yeah, as a baby.

But then you don't have that when you're older.

What I mean is there's more now, as we've discussed, is more of everything.

I thought there was fruit juices and

I mean when people were thirsty it was it was like have water.

They They didn't go what do you want?

Do you want this?

Do you want that?

I'm just saying they had it for a purpose as opposed to something on the on for the taste buds.

Yeah, so um

so anyway, so this this town, right,

uh it was in the middle of nowhere somewhere.

Yeah

it's the um it's the detail that makes the story, isn't it?

The the the pinpoint accuracy of uh

so it was a while ago and it was in a town somewhere.

Brilliant in the middle of nowhere.

And what what used to happen is barrels used to appear, right?

These sort of, do you know like how they have

wooden barrels, that beer and that comes in?

Right.

One of those used to just be in this village, and everyone who lived there

was used to this sort of drink that used to crop up, right?

Well, because they were used to it, they didn't question it.

It was kind of like, yeah, it's what happens if you live here.

Sorry, so I don't understand.

So, what's in the barrel?

It's a barrel in the town square.

It's this drink.

So it's not water.

It's not water.

It's a mysterious other drink.

It's a drink.

Well, I'll tell you now, it's like a fruit drink.

Okay.

And And back then, I mean, I speak to my mum, and she didn't have a banana until she met my dad.

And they were made up of fruit.

So, is that a sort of euphemism?

I don't know what that means.

No, but

what I mean is.

Was that he came and calling with a banana?

No, with a bunch of bananas and

some flowers.

No, but what I'm saying is, it was like a fruit drink.

And for years and years, people didn't drink fruit.

It was an eating thing.

Do you know what I mean?

It was an eating thing.

It was an eating.

Yeah,

it was.

You're thirsty, have some water.

Well, you're hungry, have a banana, have an orange.

But the idea of combining the two is crazy.

They never used them in that way.

So, anyway.

So, a mysterious fruit-based drink is turning up mysteriously in this town for years.

No one questions it, no one thinks

in that area.

I'm sure, like,

but in the same way that in Scotland they'll have

fried Mars bars and that, they don't bat an eyelid at that.

Yet, when we go there, well no,

they didn't appear mysteriously, they didn't just appear one day.

I assume they'll go to the news agents and take it home and pop it in some batter.

But what I'm saying is they don't think anything's odd about that.

But as time goes on, people have started travelling more, haven't they?

And

visitors sort of came in to the town

and they were saying, oh, I'm a bit thirsty.

Have you got any water?

And they were like, I don't have water.

Have some of that in that barrel.

And they were like, what's that?

Oh, it's a drink.

So they had it, and it was really refreshing.

And we were like, what is this?

And they said, don't really know.

It just crops off.

Of course they did.

It's what you get if you live here.

It's part of living here.

So they were like, Brilliant, c do you sell this?

And no, they don't just sell it, we don't even know where it comes from, just have some whilst you're here.

Don't even know where it comes from now.

So the thing is, this this helped the uh the town out.

That's before the monkey appears.

This shit.

Yeah.

So all these people are enjoying the drink.

Word gets out.

And it went on for a couple of years, but they say it travels fast, doesn't it?

If it's good if it's good news, it travels if it's good news or bad news, it travels fast.

But news travels fast.

Yeah, just news, yeah, news does.

So um anyway, so some

monthly news doesn't.

This has taken half an hour.

So, some big business fella who was on

any specifics?

He was from Chicago.

Right, and he found it.

How old was he?

Hold on, though.

So, this is after Chicago was founded.

Oh, yeah, Chicago was knocking about.

Oh, they had loads of drinks then.

They had coffee,

tea, coffee, tea.

They had every drink under the sun.

Yeah, but not like every drink under the sun.

Apple juice, grape juice, ciders, wines.

Yeah.

So he came in.

Oh, Chicago was founded.

He came in.

Yeah, probably the 19th century.

Oh, it's loads of shit about.

And he was saying, this drink you've got here, he said, it's good stuff, you know.

Whose is it?

And they said, well, it just appears and what have you.

And he said, well, that's a bit odd.

So anyway, he got a bit annoyed with it because he wanted to take it back with him to Chicago.

He knew there was an audience for this.

Well, yeah, because they got bored of tea, coffee, all the other drinks, all the other drinks and that, yeah.

So he waited at night.

He'd been around for years.

Waited at night, waited behind a truck.

So we're in the motorised age.

Also, so at least 1890 something, I thought.

And he saw this little fella bring the barrel out.

How little was the fella?

It's hard to tell in the dark, and they were quite far away.

And the barrels, you know,

it's hard to work out.

He was short, his arms were long.

So

they followed him in, right, and saw what was going on.

Okay.

Like how it was being made.

And they said, you know what, we can have a go at making this ourselves.

And what happened in the end, they tried to imitate it in Chicago.

There was an orangey tang, right?

It was made by an orangutan, wasn't it?

And, do you know, grapefruit juice?

They had like ape fruit juice that they were good at crushing the fruit with the feet and what have you.

And that's how then two.

So it was great ape fruit drink.

Yeah.

Which probably got abbreviated over time.

Apefoot.

Oh no, ape fruit juice.

No, no, it was great ape fruit drink.

It was because it tasted great.

That is a load of shit, Carl.

That is why we stopped doing it.