E881 Ask Nick - My Body or My Boyfriend?

In the 21st century, your home is a symphony of energy. Digital devices, battery backup, EV charging.
And you've got the power. With help from Schneider Home, think about automated energy control.
Why do your appliances need a connected system? Well, because your energy use is streamlined. Managing power and charging off-peak to optimize your savings and use, which is good for the planet and our wallets.
It's like double savings from your friends at Schneider Home.

Design your system at schneiderhome.com today.

You've got the power.

Ready to make space for your love of interior design?

Pursue the future you want at Rocky Mountain College of Art and Design.

With online and on-campus programs, you'll get the education you need

to bring out the best in client spaces.

Visit remcat at rmcag.edu. You're crazy.
How's it going? Good. How are you doing today? Good.
What's your name? My name is John. I'm 31 years old.
I'm a virgin who's never had a girlfriend, and I'm desperate to break the cycle. Okay.
All right. So you want to have a girlfriend, and eventually you hope that leads to maybe losing your V-card, so to speak.
Yeah. Okay.
And how much dating... What does your dating life look like these days? So I'm on all the dating apps because I'm kind of introverted, so i don't really get out much to date i probably go on a day like every one two maybe three months okay but the problem is it never makes it past the first date and i never do anything on the first day like not even a kiss or anything okay you mentioned you're a little introverted like yeah what do you think your biggest challenges are when it comes to the dates that you go on or just getting dates?

So I'm kind of shy.

I feel like I'm kind of awkward.

I don't really take the initiative and let them know I'm interested.

And I don't really flirt because I just I feel awkward when I do it.

Like, I don't really know what I'm doing.

Sure.

Okay, fair enough.

Well, I mean, I can be awkward and shy, too.

Yeah, I wish I could.

I don't know how to teach stuff like that.

You know, it's like and I hear you.

You know, I hear your voice.

I can be a and shy too. Yeah, I wish I could.
I don't know how to teach stuff like that. It's like, and I hear your voice.
I can be introverted. I know I can be awkward.
I can be fucking weird all the time. But every once in a while when I was younger, I felt like I knew how to not give a shit and flirt a little bit.
I guess going back, let's rewind a little bit. Back in high school, who were you hanging out with?

Did you go to college?

What was your social interactions with friends and women?

What was it all like?

High school, I wasn't really part of a close friend group.

I was kind of that guy that wasn't really close with anybody, but I knew it.

In high school, I wasn't really interested in any girls because the good ones were either taken or the ones that were single were not my type at all. Okay.
In college, I mean, college was kind of complicated because I started out at a four-year school, then I went to community college, then I went back to a four-year school. But I never really had much of a social or dating life in college besides for when I started using dating apps.
Okay. So just for figuring out dating, for example, like, you know, friend wise, like, are you going out much with friends or is your, even your friend group pretty small? My friend group is pretty small, but the ones I do have are pretty close.
Okay. The problem is like some of them kind of look far away.
So I don't get to see them more than once every few months. Yeah, yeah.
So I don't need to know your exact location or your address or anything. Are you living in a big city, small town? Where are you residing these days? Kind of in between that.
I'm in a medium-sized city. Okay, all right.
And what do you do for work? Right now, I'm kind of in between jobs because I might want to change careers. I just do DoorDash and Uber right now, and I ref sports.
Before, I was working in a group home for people with disabilities, but I quit that because the pay was horrible and the hours were super long, and now I don't know what I want to do next. Okay.
What did you go to school for? First off, meteorology. I dropped out of that because of all the math and science, and I eventually graduated with a degree in rehab human services.
No, very cool. So you can kind of do anything.
What do you think you want to do next? I'm not sure. Something I don't hate and something that won't make me work like crazy hours.
And that pays like halfway decent. Okay.
Well, so you're open-ended at this point. Pretty much.
Yeah. For you, I would love for you to try to focus on friendships right now.
It's really easier to meet people with the opposite sex when you're around people and in groups of people. I think you've kind of described this general anxiousness, general awkwardness in social settings.
And honestly, just going out and practicing with friends is a low-stakes way of just getting comfortable with Cause like, you know, kind of what you're describing is just like a lack of experience, not only just with dating, but just kind of going out there and socializing a little bit. Would you say that's accurate? I say that's accurate.
Like I'm not a total shut in. I do go out sometimes, but I don't go out a lot compared to most people.
So like during the week, do you, you know, like any local friends or like girl grab a coffee with or just kind of get out or grab dinner with do you have that once in a while um i do have family that lives close by so i see them a lot but normally i'm just on my own all right i'd like for you to try to work on changing that are there any like extra career you know like uh out you know after our stuff whether it's you know groups i don't know what are your hobbies what are you into like what do you like to do for fun uh so i'm really into sports um i play tennis and i play golf i'm in a men's tennis league and with golf i usually just go with one of my family members that lives close by all right i like seeing concerts i've been to quite a few okay who are you meeting your men's tennis league i love that that's great i mean i socialize i talk to people but i i wouldn't say i really make any friends there i mean a lot of them are like um in their 50s and 60s so that kind of sucks well you know you never know i mean depending on i don't know what they're you know 50 or 60 year olds might not be interested in new friends but you never i will say in my adult life like when you're younger you're a little bit more choosy on friends. You're just like looking for people who very much like do the same things you do or very similar age as in my adult life.
I've made friends that, you know, I never would have imagined I made friends with, whether it's a drastic age difference, just very different, you know, general interest, but like, you know, you might be might be you might be surprised i think in general like i think opening up friendships is just a great way to practice social skills right because you're you're kind of describing fuck i go on these dates i mean shit man if i were any i mean anyone anyone who doesn't like have a lot of practice right like if you put yourself into a high stakes environment with very little practice what what are the chances you're gonna be your best self

you know like most people like are super afraid of like public speaking right then someone was

like oh shit man i want you to go give this speech in front of this room of 400 people

and you're like great you know i imagine you'd want to you know you have to practice to do well

if you just were like all right well tell me when and you went and showed up you had no practice

Thank you. 400 people and you're like, great.
You know, I imagine you'd want to, you know, you have to practice to do well. If you just were like, all right, well, tell me when, and you went and showed up, but you had no practice speaking.
I mean, I guess you just cross your fingers and hope you don't get nervous. Chances are you're going to get nervous and it's going to, you're going to, you know, I know I would, you know what I'm saying? So you really just kind of have to practice this stuff, you know? And I think challenging yourself to do that, you know, the hard part is, is like kind of getting over that hump of not giving a shit about the awkwardness or, you know, how, what people might think about you and things like that, you know, and getting into your head and ruminating all your worst fears of what could happen.
And those are all normal, but it's kind of just kind of not giving a fuck, you know, it's, and kind of having that mentality and trying to find a companion to go out with, you know, a sporting event or whatever, a concert, you know, just get out, meet people, socialize, goof around, you know, that's what I would love to see for you. Yeah.
I do think you're right about that because like, that's one of my main flaws. I think I'm too concerned with what people think about me.
So like I'm, I'm a people pleaser. I hate that I am, but I am that way.
Yeah. I wish I'm not, I wish I could, I I'm trying to figure out, I should probably read a book on people.
Have you read any books on people pleasing? You, do you know anything about it? Um, no, not really. Okay.
Yeah. I don't know.
I mean, like, I know, like I mean, I know, for example, we talk about setting boundaries all the time on this show.

And I always talk about how, I mean, I'm kind of going off a tangent here, but a lot of

people are people pleasers.

And the reason why a lot of people have a hard time setting boundaries is because boundaries

is you just kind of limiting access from someone.

And then that usually pisses people off and they get mad.

And if you're a people pleaser, you don't want people to be mad at kind of my point but i'm i just you know i've always wondered why i'm not i don't know i don't know what the root is i wish you know it's like one of those things you say i'm a people pleaser and i hear from a lot of people i wish i could be like oh well do you do x y or z and that's why i work on this but i'm not sure why i'm not a people pleaser what why do you think yeah and i do think that think that really, have you thought about it? I think that's like a huge problem on my, like on the dates I go on to, because like part of the reason I don't really make any moves is because if I'm not sure that they're into me, I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable. Well, we love that.
Yeah. We don't want to change that.
Yeah. Yeah.
And like, if, if they don't reciprocate like my moves, my feelings, then it's pretty awkward.

I feel like.

Yeah.

But I think part, I think one, you know, I've had this conversation with more women who are virgins.

I can imagine now that when you go on dates, you're adding unnecessary pressure to those dates, whether it's, you know, one getting the second date to, oh, am I going to get a kiss tonight?

Three, like, God, God forbid, if I get a second date, a kiss, well, like, oh, will this be the first time I have sex or something? I mean, the stakes are so unnecessarily high for you, potentially, if you make them that way. I do know in general, yeah, we're always attracted to people who present is confident, present is not really caring what people think.
More than anything, I think I'd love for you to try to challenge that. I'm not trying to like, you know, it's like if you were here and I'd be like, all right, how do I teach this guy how to be confident? Or how do I teach this guy this? You know, I don't want to turn you into some douchebag kind of guy who like, you know what I'm saying? That's not the goal.
Like it's not about being disingenuous or a jerk or rude to people. It's not about being dismissive.
It's about being confident in what you're doing, whatever it is, right? I don't know. I see you're wearing a hoodie right now.
I don't know what you're wearing jeans. I don't know if it's very fashionable, if it's not fashionable, whatever, but who gives a shit? You're wearing it and you like it.
So it's just one of those things like when it comes to your attire, whatever you're wearing, you just have to feel good. You know, it's just like owning that, right? Whatever you say or do, just kind of owning your decisions.
Like, I mean, little things, like when you go on dates, I'm curious, are you asking them where do they want to go? Or are you offering ideas? It depends on the person. Sometimes they'll suggest something.
Sometimes I'll suggest something. Well, if someone suggests something, we's, we love that.
You know, we love an idea, especially if they're a place that they're comfortable with. And I think early on in dating, if a woman's suggesting a place she wants to go, I think that's a great way.
I think there's, you should generally always, unless you have a, you know, depending on your ideas, but if you don't have any good ideas and she has one, take her up on that idea. Also, she just might like, it might be a place that she's familiar with, feel safe around, you know, and, and women generally love to feel safe.
Is any of this, is any of this resonating with you? Oh, it is. Yeah.
I mean, I've talked to people about this and I've heard similar things. Yeah.
What are they? Yeah. What are they? I've just, I've just, I've just never really like taken the initiative to, you know, do it and better myself like that.
It is one of the... I hear you.
It's hard to... It's one thing...
I'm here. I'm just like, yeah, go.
Be confident in the sweatshirt you're wearing. And then I get off the phone and expect you to walk into a coffee shop and be Rico Suave.
But I think part of awkwardness, if I'm trying to break it down, comes from just indecisiveness and second guessing yourself you know especially it's just like you can get really awkward when you're like what should i say how should i say it i hope i i hope i say it right uh you know like yeah honestly when i'm on dates that is that's like so much of what i think it's definitely a problem yeah when i go out with my men's tennis league to dinner,

it's like no pressure at all.

It's like there's no one I'm trying to get into a relationship with,

if that makes sense.

It totally makes sense.

How do you try to replicate that?

You know what?

You need a girlfriend.

And you're like, yeah, no shit.

That's why I called.

I mean a friend that's a girl.

How many platonic women friends do you have in your life?

I have one, and I'm super close with her.

Okay, you do.

And what's that conversation?

Do you talk to her about this stuff?

Yeah, sometimes.

She's engaged, and she has a ton of experience with dating, so she tries to give me advice as much as she can.

Are you friends with her fiancé?

I wouldn't say I'm close with her fiancé, but we got along. Okay.
How have you known this friend? About two and a half years. It's funny because we met on Bumble and we decided like we weren't each other's type, but we decided to keep talking.
And now we're like super close friends. I love that.
You haven't asked her at all about dating advice? I ask her all the time.

You do?

Did she give you any feedback on your date?

I mean, because here's a person you met on Bumble.

I love where this is going.

It's something.

But you met her on Bumble.

It didn't work out, as often that happens.

I've met a lot of great friends when I was a single guy,

and I was just dating.

There were some women that we dated,

and we ended up just being better friends.

That's great.

But there is maybe, if you're willing willing feedback to get from that from her uh has she offered you any feedback on why for her like it just you know wasn't a thing or it wasn't really the lack of chemistry when we met it was more like our life goals didn't align so it would never work out long term okay like what um like she wants kids i don't okay oh that's the big thing just out of curiosity why'd you already decide you don't have kids it's just too much of a responsibility for me i i want to live my own life not um have to worry about taking care of a child cool all right it may change when you meet someone i don't know you never know how often you talk to this girlfriend most days sometimes we'll go like a day or two without talking but like some we'll we'll just talk sometimes we'll play iMessage games sometimes but we usually talk most days and her fiance how many times you met him like four or five maybe six times something like that and he's generally cool with you because i mean normally yeah okay man i'd love for you to almost become friends with this guy too yeah well the problem is like she lives pretty far away oh she also lives far away okay yeah um so i mean i try to see them like once or twice a year okay and when when i do like we we all hang out we all get along there's there's no issues like he knows that i won't try to make a move on here yeah no i that seems obvious what i would love yeah i mean whatever it's they don't live close so it's i kind of want you to get like a buddy who's like can kind of almost teach you the ropes a little bit you know like someone who's a little bit more extroverted than you you know someone who goes out a little bit more you know than you but every once in a while when you have the itch to be social you go out you kind of have someone to go out with and that's the thing it's just i want you if possible to and i say this is who someone can be very introverted and and loves to be at home and alone in my thoughts uh so i hear you on that but like if you want to meet people you are going to have to challenge yourself to get out there and put yourself in social settings that normally you wouldn't choose to.

And now your hope, right, is that you find a lovely, rather introverted girl who also, for the most part, likes to stay at home, but just also happens to be out, you know. And that's not the only way to meet someone.
But I do think you just need the practice to, like, fuck around and find out. Just goof around.
You know what I'm saying? have a low stakes conversation with a girl that you know you think is kind of cute but like you're just you know you're just trying to have a conversation you know with you it's just like man you're on these dating apps and then once a month and maybe once every two or three months you finally get a date and then you know man it would be so easy to psych yourself out i don't know how you wouldn't psych yourself out you know you have to try to not psych yourself out what are conversations you're trying to have on dates i mean we just got to know each other like um what do we like to do what do we do for work uh tell stories about our life it never really goes deeper than that what's your type like physically or like personality wise not both physically um, I mean, I really know how to describe it.

Like, I just don't want to go for someone I'm not attracted to, you know, if that makes sense.

I mean, yeah, no one does.

I'm just curious who you're going for.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, physically, I've gone on dates with a lot of different types.

Yeah.

Personality wise, it's funny because I'm an introvert, but I feel like extroverts open me up a lot more. I would imagine they do, yeah.
My wife is definitely a lot more extroverted than I am. She definitely has an introverted side in the sense that we both are homebodies, but in social settings, she's far more normal than I am and way more social and she definitely loosens me up and it's nice to have her by my side and in social settings and so yeah i mean that that'd be my dream for you again like someone who is a little bit more extroverted than you certainly like isn't so extroverted that like you can't you can't be with someone who's super extro That would never work.
But there's a lot of people out there who are a little bit of both, even though if they lean introverted, they have an extroverted side. You might be more on the introverted side.
When was the last date you had? About three months ago, I met up with this girl that lives like an hour away. We went out for dinner.
I liked her. I wanted a second date, but she told me like two days later she didn't feel a connection which is how like it goes 90 of the time yeah are you always going out to dinner not always i'd say like half the time i do um sometimes i go bowling mini golfing i've taken women to soccer games before and a couple other sporting events okay well i would say sporting events and like i would say events where you're both sitting harder to do it's a long commitment and you're sitting next to each other you're already someone who's not necessarily good with the gift of gab and just like long conversations so if you take someone to a sporting event that you have very little rapport with, you're sitting next to someone, and unless they're just like the biggest fucking soccer, biggest fucking fans of the thing that you brought them to, it's kind of your responsibility to entertain them.
And so what ends up happening is there are all these awkward pauses and moments of silence, and then that person feels kind of like, oh, we didn't didn't really have any chemistry i mean it's a harder environment for you to be dynamic in and it's a harder environment for two people to have you know because it's like well we're here for three hours i mean most burning events are what two three hours long and again unless you're both really into the game you're kind of like casually watching the game while casually trying to have a conversation. It opens up the possibility for a lot of awkward moments.

I, for you, even that's why I did, I asked for, you always go on dinner dates, even for a first date with someone you haven't talked too much, a whole meal of food, you know, again, like that's

potentially a long conversation. Try to keep it simpler, you know, coffee dates.
I love the

bowling. I love the mini golf.
I love those things. Even more mini golf because it's always active.
You can joke around. You can have fun.
You can be a little competitive. You can try to be goofy.
You can have a few chats here or there, but there's always something to do. There's always that break where you bowl and G bowls or mini golf.
So I would try to lean more activities on dates. Yeah, I agree with you because normally when I go on a dinner date with somebody, there's rare times where it goes really well, I think.
But most of the time, it's just awkward conversation that we never see each other again. Dinner dates are just so easy to plan, though.
That's why I do them so much. Let me ask you this.
When you called in, was there one or two things you're like, man, I really hope Nick can answer this, or I really hope Nick could steer me in this direction? I only ask that because it's just like, I don't have any like, oh, you do these five things type of things. I sincerely want to point you in the right direction, but I'm not sure where to start with you.
That's a good question. I mean, you've told me a lot of useful things already.
Okay, well, that's good. Yeah, I'm not really sure.
I feel like I can't dive super deep into dating if I have no experience. I just have to get my feet wet first.
You definitely do. Let me ask you this.
The women you're saying yes to,

what are you more drawn to? Are you,

is it the strong physical attraction and you have some things in common that

you like, or is it more like, Oh, like she seems fun and we have some things in common and she seems kind of cute. You know, like what, what are you more drawn to? Physical attraction is what draws what draws me in okay but then like the the chemistry the connection just really makes me like her so hear me out i don't think you start going out on dates with a bunch of people you find unattractive i'm not saying that but i do think you should challenge yourself to maybe be a little bit more open-minded when it comes to your dates physical appearances for one you just need the practice you know what i'm saying and i think you need and i and again you also have to go into this with the right mindset right because i want you to still be interested i want you to still be respectful obviously i still want you to be like you know you have to show that you care right like on any date if you could just walk into a date kind of being confident in who you are whatever you bring to the table like i'm you know i'm how tall are you 511 511 what a great height you know so you got no height problems you know like you're 511 you seem like a handsome guy you got a good head of hair like you know like you could be doing worse for yourself.
So I want you to show up to these dates being like, I'm a 5'11 guy with a good head of hair and whatever. And I hope this person is interested in getting to know me.
And then you just kind of just not think about what to say, you just ask questions. And then you just kind of try to have some fun.
I'm getting the sense that maybe also you're a guy, but you land on someone you find is hot and then you just kind of try to have some fun i'm getting the sense that maybe you know also you're a guy so but you you land on someone you find is hot and then you're like really excited that someone's hot and then you talk to them on the apps and you finally get you know them to go on a date with you but you're you're too focused on hoping that this pretty person likes you but That's 100% right. Yeah.

And the stakes are too high.

And again, I mean, you're a handsome guy.

But as you've also pointed out,

you're an awkward kind of inexperienced guy.

And so you need more experience.

And I'll be honest, you might go on these dates.

Again, I'm not saying you should go on dates

with a bunch of people you find unattractive.

But I think you should be a little more open-minded to meeting women, meeting people, be genuinely interested in getting to know these women, and be open to being surprised how you might feel about them. You know what I'm saying? And that might make you feel a little bit more confident, right? Because you're going into these dates, less pressure, because you're like, I don't know, I'm going out with this girl.
You know, I don't know how I think. It's funny because like, I'm curious here, I'm curious.
Sarah is in the room, you can't see her. Most like a lot of women you see going out with men that they've, they're like, they're just like not as, they're not as pretty as they are.
What are women looking for when they do that? I mean, it depends. A lot of of the times it's not about physical attraction it really is about the connection that you make with somebody and feeling safe with them that i'm like being able to have open conversations and be genuinely interested in what they have to share and making jokes and just being light-hearted instead of having so much putting so much pressure on it i think that's why it's like women are attracted to more than just physical attributes because you meet a lot of attractive people with shitty personalities totally i want you to have the practice to hang out with women that you're not trying to have sex with or trying to lose your virginity with and you're not worried if they like you you know and i want you to practice being yourself around them you know and having i want i don't I don't want your goal to be getting a second date or getting a kiss or getting, having sex.
I want you to go on these dates and your goal is to make sure that the two of you have the best possible time. That's it.
It's fun. I want, you know, it's like, it's, I want you to go on a date and be like, my job is to make sure me and this date and this girl, I don't even know her.
I hope to get to know her. I hope we have fun.
And you want to get to know them, but you just want to have some fun and you want to be a little adventurous. And I think a lot of guys in your shoes struggle with that balance between being a gentleman and being polite and taking the lead.
Exactly. That sums it up perfectly, I feel like.
So being a gentleman and being polite, opening the door, paying for their meal, just being present, being courteous, being a gentleman, not making weird jokes about their bodies and things like that, not being crude. That's being a gentleman.
Taking the lead is, hey, I know a great place we can go and have fun. This is where we should go on a date.
Not, I think we should go here. What do you think? We should do this later.
It's just being more assertive and being confident. So to do that, think of things that you think are fun and then say, hey, I know this really fun place we should go.
Let's go. You have to be confident in what you're doing in order to be assertive, right? Because if you don't believe in what you're saying, you're not going to want to assert that onto someone else, you know? Yeah, I totally understand.
It makes perfect sense. So yeah, try to open up your mind to let's go out with more women that honestly, I think your goal should be, I want to meet more women.
I want to be curious about the women I'm meeting. I want to have fun with these women.
I want be open-minded and yeah and like to get you like this is you're you're a guy who's been very honest about like you're not you're not getting a lot of kisses you're not having any you have nothing to lose here that's true so in terms of like be willing to kiss someone for who gives a shit you know kiss anyone you get what i'm saying i've actually gotten the first one out of the way it it's kind of it's kind of a weird story how it happened but it's out of the way how did it happen so um that friend that um i told you about yeah yeah girl um she told one of her friends that i hadn't had my first kiss and she offered to kiss me when i came out there to hang out.. How was that? And so she did.
So I've had my first kiss. It didn't mean anything, but I've had it.
I actually love that. I mean, honestly, part of that is, it's like you have to take the pressure off yourself.
You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm sure people have told you, have you seen it, the 40-year-old virgin? I have. Okay.
It's more like a documentary. Well, good.
I mean, I'm glad way but like there's a lot there's a lot of good things to learn from that you know what i'm saying like you kind of almost remind me of the character like you're a handsome guy steve carell's handsome guy you know nice you know it's like i don't know you i'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're not like some weird serial killer you know because you seem like a normal nice well-rounded guy that you have a lot of the qualities so many women who call in are like i wish i could find a guy who would just be normal and nice you know and you seem normal and nice you have a hard time showing that on dates because you get introverted you get a little awkward start second guessing yourself. Most women out there want an assertive, confident guy who can make them laugh and make them feel safe.
What they don't want is what I'm guessing you do sometimes is they feel like they don't want to have to emotionally take care of a man, especially on their first couple of dates. Maybe after they fall in love, have a kid or two, get married, fine.
They'll be your therapist. But they want a guy who kind of takes care of himself and is confident in what they're doing.
Yeah, I hear the most common complaint from women that I hear is like, oh, guys just want sex all the time. They try to move too fast.
Sure. And I feel like I'm the complete opposite end of that spectrum.
I believe that. I don't like do anything.
I just talk to them like I would talk to anybody else. And I've been told that I give off friend vibe because of that, not boyfriend vibes.
Yeah, I'm sure you do. Yeah.
And part of that is because you haven't struck that balance, again, between being a gentleman and taking the lead. You're not asserting yourself.
Yeah, all women want to feel safe. They don't want a guy who's constantly obsessed with sex, but I do think they want to feel pursued.
dude i want you to get more practice i you know i want you to lean your friend that's a girl that

you can open up to about this who already set you up the first kiss i mean i if i were you

and even with her fiance you know lean your friend that's a girl that you can open up to about this who already set you up the first kiss i mean i if i were you and even with her fiance you know lean on them guys i'm struggling with this i want i want to get more confident i want to like just be better on dates i want to get more practice like you can get better at this i know you can it's just like you need some help you know what i'm saying you need some like mentors and friends who are a little better at this than you are to show you the ropes and like take you out there and just kind of have some fun and loosen you up and like just get some get some reps you know right now you got no one kind of helping you out you're going on infrequent dates and then when you go on them the stakes are so goddamn high you don't even know what to do dates are already hard enough even if you're good at it, chances are if you go on them, the stakes are so goddamn high, you don't even know what to do.

Dates are already hard enough.

Even if you're good at it, chances are if you go on a date once every three months,

they're not going to go the way you want.

And so I just want you to get more reps.

I also want you to focus on your career right now.

Honestly, I know you're 31.

I know you're still a virgin.

I know you're tired of it, but you're only 31.

And you do have the benefit of being a man and you don't even't even want to have kids so you have no biological clock to worry about literally you know and you're really young i want you to like especially for a man you're incredibly young so more than anything i want you to try to take the pressure off yourself stop telling yourself i'm 31 i haven't had sex yet oh i haven't who gives a fuck i don't care it really doesn't matter no one gives a shit about your roster anymore certainly not people you should be hanging out with you know what i'm saying like 18 year old guys did back in the day but no one cares if whether you know had you slept with 50 women at this point or not no one really cares right you might be a little bit better at the sex but other than that like you know what i'm saying like you don you, do you show up anywhere and be like, how many people have you had sex with? You know what I'm saying? Like, has it gotten you into any, no one cares, right? So stop judging yourself. Stop putting pressure on yourself.
You have a long life ahead of you. And if you work on this in the short run, you know, again, especially as a guy who has no interest in having kids, you have, fuck, you have so many years in front of you.
You know what I'm saying? To like have as much sex or as little sex or as much girlfriends as you could possibly want. You know what I'm saying? Like you're only, you're 18, you're only 13 years into your adult life.
So honestly, your track record's not that bad's assume you live to your 85 right you know and so you have 50 some left years of dating left you're good to go you know what i'm saying you've only wasted 13 i'm just trying to offer some perspective because so much of is in your head and the pressure you put on yourself and like i want you to go in and have a kiss and just you kiss you know it's gonna take some like building up my confidence to do that but eventually i do want to be able to do that yeah and you can you just have to practice and i think having and leaning on your friends your girlfriend their friend that's a girl who you know and just be vulnerable with her i need i need your help you know and like i think it's really important for people who are looking to make friends for people who are looking to meet people to express that with their circle of influence so whenever it makes sense to let people know that you're looking to get more out there you're looking to be more active you have your tennis club that's great i try to find other things that are like more co-ed uh and that maybe have more people your age because I'm glad you like to play, you know, and if you love to play tennis because you like the sport and it helps you relax. Great.
Keep doing that. You were having you do stuff because we want you to meet people.
This is not about whether you play tennis or badminton or, or knit, you know, we're just trying to get you into a social setting where people are there to also meet other people. Co-ed leagues, especially if you like, the fact that you're into sports is great.
There's a lot of co-ed soccer leagues, volleyball leagues, things like that. That would go a long way.
And I think the more you immerse yourself into these social settings and challenge your introverted self once or twice a week to go out to these events or social groups, and then with your friends also just say hey i want to get out more i want to practice you know, once or twice a week to go out to these events or social groups. And then with your friends also just say, Hey, I want to get out more.
I want to practice, you know, I want to, you know, meet more people. And then on the dating apps, be more open to, you know, for the ladies reaching out to you, be willing to talk to them.
You know, you're, you don't know where it's going to go. Maybe you will just make more friends.
You know what I'm saying? Like a lot of these ladies, you could just end up being friends with, be with be open to that you know be open to meeting as many people as possible because i think that will really help you you know in terms of social settings and just you know talking to people because a date doesn't have to be any different than a coffee with a friend or watching a game with a friend it's just the only difference is the stakes and the pressure you put on it go watch a game at a sports bar and like strike up a conversation yeah do you do that much do you have like a what do you um not really i mean yeah i mean i don't really drink so i don't go to bars that much in the first place you don't have to drink but i do i do enjoy watching sports maybe i should just get out and just try to go to a go somewhere and watch it instead of just sitting on my couch i really think you that's honestly, that's a thing. How many people can you meet on your couch? None.
And I say that as someone who has a strong introverted side, you got to get out. Getting out, being active, interacting with people is the only way to really practice this stuff.
Your approach has been, well, I'm not really, I'm not, I'm kind of introverted. You know, I feel awkward talking to women.
I don't have a bunch of practice, but I don't really like going out. So I'm not really going to go out, but every once in a while, I'll try to go on a date.
And when I do, I'm going to, I hope I'm going to just be this person I've never been before. You know, like, how do you do that? It's impossible.
Yeah. Like, I have that unrealistic expectation every single time.
And then when the date ends, I, like, I get upset that I wasn't like that, even though there was never really a realistic chance that would have been. I mean, yeah.
I mean, I get what you're saying. But, like, there is a chance because I think you're a more than eligible bachelor.
You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, yeah, uh yeah you're probably yeah you're not getting out enough and not getting enough of practice but to use your analogy like the one i used before earlier it's just like who would nikki glazer you know friend of show just just hosted the golden globes she crushed it this is a years of her doing roasts and stand-up and i've been on her shows. Like I couldn't, if they would have hired me to do the golden globes, like two weeks ago, I would not have been able to show up and did what Nikki Glaser just did.
You know what I'm saying? She years of experience and practice and crushing it and doing all these amazing things. I couldn't have done what she did.
Well, I couldn't have done what she did because she's been practicing and cutting her teeth and like getting the reps in and now she walked out on that stage and acted like it was like she it was just like just another day because it's you know she's made her career practicing this you know and getting good at it you know like and dating's no different man you know go to the gym the first day you go to the gym are you crushing it no you're just you you lift you for you go you don't work out for like six months and you squat without weights you can't walk the next day you know your body's like what the fuck is going on what are we doing here you know what i'm saying you gotta you gotta show up every day you gotta get better you gotta practice and dating and communicating and and interacting with people is no different it's all it's all those are all skills that you have you just you have been avoiding working on you know and then and interacting with people is no different. It's all, it's all, those are all skills that you have, you just, you have been avoiding working on, you know, and then you go on dates and then you beat yourself up emotionally

and make yourself feel bad.

Like no one likes me.

Meanwhile, like in between your dates, you're just hanging out by yourself.

Yeah.

My problem is like, I'm so comfortable just hanging out alone in my apartment and I just

never get out of my comfort zone. You gotta do that.
Just just because just because like hanging out on my own is good enough and we love listen we love we love people who can hang on their on their own there's a lot of people we talk to who can't do that and they end up just investing their energy on a bunch of meaningless people that's a great skill that have. You'll hang on to that for the rest of your life, you know?

But like, now you have to learn how to interact with other people and get out there.

And even though you're most comfortable being alone, you have to challenge yourself to get

out there.

And then eventually you'll start, I think you start enjoying, you know, going out more

when you start having more success at it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because like the times in the past year where I have gone out i've been with a lot of people like i did well like i i really enjoyed it and i feel like the other people i was with enjoyed my company yeah i'm sure they did yeah so honestly i think you need to look at this as a more of a long-term plan. Take sex off the table in your head and even like take getting a girlfriend off the table.

I want you to focus on the next couple of years or whatever.

Who knows?

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe tomorrow you may meet the level of your life.

But the reason I want you to take a long-term approach is because like it's so easy to get

yourself discouraged and to beat yourself up.

And this shit takes time. You are very young, but you have also had 31 years of this behavior.
You're very comfortable with how you do things right now. And it's going to take you some time to reprogram yourself.
And it's going to take time. So you have to be willing to take it easy, get out there, try it out.
It's going to feel uncomfortable. Get back out there, go on a date, have it not go the way you want, whatever, practice some more.
But you're like, whatever. This is about meeting people.
This is about getting better at this skill. Here's what you're doing now, using the Nikki Glaser analogy.
You're just like, oh, fuck, I just got hired to go to the Lills. I guess I better fucking crush it.
And then you go on and you don't crush it. Of course you wouldn't crush it.
You have no practice, you know? And so I want you to think of like you are, instead of, this is about dating, this is like you getting into stand-up comedy. And at first, you're just going to tell a couple friends a couple jokes, you know what I'm saying? And then maybe you will perform of a small room and then maybe this you know what i'm saying like the goal is hosting the golden globes you know what i'm saying that's going to take some time and that goal is like having sex with your girlfriend i know i'm being a little ridiculous right now but i do think you need to like take it easy on yourself work into this you know if you if you plan a date and all of a sudden you're wondering if this is the if this isn't to be it, you're going to fail.
It's just too much stakes. It's too much pressure.
I want you to go in and be like, you know what? I want to have fun today. I want to make sure this girl has a really good time.
And honestly, second date, I don't know. I don't care.
It's not my job right now. My job is to make sure her and I have a really good time and I'm just not going to give a fuck other than making sure she has a good time.
And if you focus on that, I think you'll have more success. Yeah, I think you're right.
Because right now, my attitude is like, I want to go from zero to 100 and date it. And that's not going to happen.
It's not going to happen. Even though I kind of wanted to, it won't.
Yeah, you do. But you're only 31.
I didn't meet my wife until I was 40. You have a long life ahead of you, except that this has been 31 years and you have a lot to practice and you're not going to go from zero to 100, but don't beat yourself up and acting like you have to get to the finish line next week.
33 is still really young, but you could have two years of better experience if you make a different approach. Or you can keep doing what you're doing, sitting in your apartment most of the time, and five times a year go on a date with absolutely no practice, and they'll all go the same.
So get yourself out there, challenge yourself to do that. Talk to your friends, ask for their advice, ask for their encouragement, ask for ideas.
For you, this is all about getting out of your comfort zone, getting out of your house on a regular basis and practicing interacting with people. Got it.
That sounds great. All right.
Well, keep us posted, man. I'd love to know how this goes over the years, but take your time, man.
Thank you. I definitely will.
All right. Best of luck.
Thank you. All right.
Take care. Bye-bye.
Bye. Who doesn't love bread? I have never met someone.
It's either people who love bread and eat bread or people who wish they could eat bread. I feel like that's the two people in this world.
Anyways, wouldn't it be nice to enjoy bread without guilt? Well, with Hero Bread, you can focus on your health goals and still indulge in the soft, fluffy foods that you love guilt-free. Whether it's a nutritious breakfast wrap, avocado toast, grilled cheese with cozy soup, or a family burger night, Hero Bread has you covered no matter what kind of bread you're craving.
Loaves, tortillas, bagels, rolls, or pastries, Hero Bread has it. Their food tastes great, and it feels great, too.
Natalie and I love breakfast sandwiches in the morning, and using Hero Bread's classic white bread or Hero Bread's cheese and herb crescent rolls are an absolute must-have in our house. Their products are delicious and flavorful, but have ultra-low net carbs, zero grams of sugar, and are high in fiber.
The best part is you wouldn't know it from the texture and the amazing flavor. With Hero Bread, you can get monthly small batch drops of indulgent favorites like their four-gram net carb bagel and new surprises coming this year.
Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to and use code v-i-a-l-l at checkout that's v-i-a-l-l at hero.co spelled h-e-r-o.co your time and expertise are valuable why don't you just make sure that your team is focusing on the things that you pay them for instead of checking their grammar or proofreading their work that's where grammarly comes Grammarly helps you and your team stay focused and get through your work faster with relevant real-time suggestions whenever you write.
Grammarly helps with anything writing, from brainstorming to sounding more confident and persuasive at work. 90% of professionals say Grammarly has saved them time writing and editing their work.
We use it here at the Vile Files, and four out of five professionals say Grammarly helps them gain buy-in and action through their communications. Grammarly works with over 500,000 apps and websites.
93% of professionals report that Grammarly helps them get more work done. So if you are like me and maybe you're dyslexic and no matter how many times you proofread an email, you'll always miss an error.
Well, let Grammarly do it the first time and that you don't have to proofread at all. Just let Grammarly do it for you.
And again, think about how much time you and your team can save by not just rewriting and proofreading all this written communications. Just let Grammarly help you get the job done.
Get more done with Grammarly. Download Grammarly for free at grammyly.com slash podcast.
That's grammyly.com slash podcast. How's it going? Hi, my name is Beth.
I'm 29 years old and i kissed my guy best friend on new year's eve and now i have feelings for him oh now you have feelings like magically after the kiss you develop these feelings you never thought you had honestly yeah um it was it wasn't just a kiss did hook up oh you oh okay okay um we did up. Well, all right.
Set the stage for me. All right.
So, like, Eric, 6 p.m. New Year's Eve night.
What are we doing? Like, how did this all unfold? So he was out of town and debating whether or not to come back in town. And he ended up coming back in town.
And he set up a plan for a group of friends and invited me to come along. Mostly just his friends and then invited me to come along.
Are these guy friends or are these girl and guy friends? It was mostly other couples. Oh, most other couples.
Yeah. And so then we, I kind of had it in the back of my head knowing it was New Year's and knowing that it was mostly other couples that something might happen, but we had never crossed that line before.
Wait, wait. So you're saying you suspected something might happen just because it was other couples? Yeah.
And we were the only two people who were single though. Well, what's the history of this friendship? How long have you known this guy? Yeah.
So we have been friends for almost seven years. Okay.
And we started out working together and then we don't work together anymore, but we lived in different cities for most of our friendship, like totally across the country. And then a couple of years ago, he moved to the city that I live in.
Okay. And so a couple of years ago, we started just hanging out more one-on-one just mostly because he didn't know a lot of people in the new city that he moved to.
And we just, we just got closer, um, over the last couple of years, but we both did not ever let it get to a point where we were getting closer or where we would put ourselves in a position where it might cross a line. Um, and till the other night, There's like flirty, like up until the other night, what was the closest you guys ever got to it being anything other than friends? Honestly, like, it hadn't really ever gotten closer other than like, people around us saying things like, Are you sure you guys don't like each other? And like, kind of like doing that thing that people do when they see two people who they think could be together.
But both of us would were just always like, no, like, we're just friends. We're just friends.
And from your point of view, why were you just being like, no, we're just friends? Like, what was your honest feelings towards him just as a friend? Or was it someone like you thought was always kind of cute? It wasn't. So he's not my typical physical type, not typically the kind of person that I go after.
So that's part of it that I just sort of like never really went there in my head. I think part of it's also that I was not really taking dating very seriously, kind of just like with a lot of fuck boys and that kind of thing and just whatever for a while until the last couple of years when I've gotten a little bit older.
Honestly, like I just don't think I ever let myself go there mentally. Like if we ever, like I ever started to kind of like think about it because of course I thought about it.
Like I'm not going to deny that I didn't think about it, but we just never let it go there. Never let it even consider it as an option.
And I didn't eat it either. So anyways, you suspected maybe something would happen.
You guys have this like group hang all couples and then you guys, and then what happens? So then like right before midnight, I went over and sat down next to him and he like immediately put his hand on my leg and I was like, okay, yeah, it's on. And then we kissed at midnight and then like we're kind of making out throughout the rest of the night.
Ended up going home together and sleeping together. What was that like? I mean, there's so many like there's something like the car ride.
Were you guys talking, making out? Like, was it just like, you know what I'm saying? The time between you left the house and got into it put the p in the v were you guys not talking were you drunk like there were so you know what i'm saying there were so many moments you were drunk okay all right we were drunk and we were talking about it and but and we even like had a conversation while we were um like kind of in between like making out and partying and whatnot was like, is this a good idea? I don't know. This might not be a good idea.
We probably shouldn't do this more than once. If who's not going to go somewhere, who is saying that? So it was kind of like both of us saying, like, is this a good idea? I don't know.
But then I specifically made the point. I was like, I can't do this.
Like, we can't just like start having casual sex otherwise i'm gonna i'm gonna get feelings so like we can't do this more than once you said we can't do this more than once i mean it kind of already felt like it was like gonna happen that night so i sort of was like well it's just a weird boundary to set be like you can fuck me once uh you know like i'm just saying as a guy all i'm hearing is do i get to have sex with you tonight or not yes or no you know what i'm saying like the whole like he's like i don't know like that's tomorrow i don't know like more than once commitment i don't know are we having sex tonight you know it's just like yeah it's kind of a hilarious so it might have but that was what ended up happening. So where are we now? Where are we now? Yeah.
A couple of days after we were hanging out like normal and just like having a normal conversation. And he mentioned and started kind of like talking about his ex and kind of like talking to me about his ex which i thought was really odd um like he might still have feelings for her he claims not but the way that he was reacting was didn't seem like it he was like worried about one of his other friends being interested in hooking up with his ex and And so he was talking to me about that situation.

Why?

Okay.

That's weird.

Yeah.

And so I didn't like that.

And I, but I just kind of like brushed it off.

I just was like, I gave him some advice on like what I thought he should do about it.

And then we, we kind of just like moved on to different conversation.

And then at the end of that, I was like, I need to say something.

And so as we were kind of leaving, I was like, I don't know. I think that there might be something worth exploring here.
And he essentially was like, I don't know. I don't want to get your hopes up, but I don't, I just don't know.
And I was like, all right, well, I'm not going to push it any further than that. But like, I honestly do believe that there there's something that could be really good there.
I think you only got one option. Which is? You have to decide.
You have to commit to this decision. So if you really think there is something there with this guy, you have to commit to that mindset.
And if you're going to commit to that mindset, that means you have to stop being homies and friends and platonic buddies. And you have to make him want you and miss you and realize.
Because you know what I'm saying? This was all very predictable. And by predictable, I mean up to this point.
The fact that he was about to have sex with you and you basically gave him a hall pass to have some fun sex on New Year's Eve. And the way you sold it to him is like, we do this once and if we do this once there will you know it won't get weird there'll be no feelings he did his whole like are you sure we should do this was like you know if a guy's saying that it's sort of him being obsessed with you and in love with you which maybe is deep down but right now he just thinks you're his friend he's just saying that because he's just like he wants to have sex with you and not have you call him an asshole afterwards and so yeah now that you were like hey i think there's something there you know you gave him something for free and how was the sex by the way it was really fun awesome it was really fun yeah and that was like basically what i said to him when we when i was like i don't know i think that there might be something worth exploring here i i said like the other night was really fun and he also was like yeah it was it was really fun um i was like it's kind of a shame to like never do that again to like not what do you say happen what do you say that was kind of when he was like well i don't know i just like i'm not sure i don't want to like get your hopes up whatever which feels really like a condescending thing to say to me oh yeah oh my god that was like the worst thing he could have said to you worst possible thing i thought was one of your hopes up i got out of the car and i was like all right i'll see you later yeah yeah that shouldn't annoy you you should be mad do you have the right to be mad about that yeah i mean you have to commit and you have to you know and so like yeah his the reason why it's predictable is because he got to have sex with you.
And I don't know, just as a guy, there is something about like, if a guy wants to have sex with a woman, uh, so he obviously, I wanted to have sex with you cause he did. There's always like, what is that going to be like, you know, that first time, you know, and now he knows, and now he has that opportunity.
And so like, that's, that's fine. I'm not saying saying you did anything wrong but now you're pitching him like responsibility and expectations and rules so to speak you know what i'm saying like because ultimately the way that's what that's kind of what he's here and like i don't think he's even like conscious like you know i'm saying subconsciously he's like all right i she's in my life all the time i see her multiple days a week she's my friend i mean i'm so comfortable around her i mean she's my friend i mean like i could ask her advice i could ask about this if i want to have lunch with her she's definitely a phone call away now we had sex like i know what that's like with her and so his subconscious brain just doesn't understand why he needs to like do anything different yeah you know because different almost is like it's like his man brain is thinking in terms of like what is he going to have to give up to have this yeah what what more is he going to have to do so then if i commit to it because like i do genuinely think if we like tried it out it would work so then how do i make him come to his senses about it uh we have a couple options uh in a perfect world and i don't know how you do this but in a perfect world you're really confident in your sex and you're confident that he really likes the sex that you give him and in a perfect world there's a couple more times where you guys get you give in and you guys have some sex okay right not the answer i was expecting well you've already had the sex you know okay well i mean listen i am confident in it it was good it was very good that's great because he he needs to want to have sex with you again that really helps and then sanson arvey had a good time he'll want to have sex with you again so you could have sex again i definitely don't have to but what i want to get him is emotionally really invest in this it a i want him to start enjoying having sex with you which hopefully he does already the having more sex part is isn't that important but eventually you need to just like cut it off i only might say that because it might be a little bit abrupt now i almost like like in a way, I don't know if you can handle it, but like it's some Jedi shit.
Like for a period of time, I almost want you to like, and you would never guess I would have said this because I'm really thinking this out loud. You almost have to like kind of like navigate into a situation ship.
Okay. And then you have to have the strength and the guts to like shut that shit down yeah you kind of do what natalie now famously did with me that we always talk about where it's just like for a while yeah it was kind of casual as whatever i was just like you know but i just was like she kept showing up and every time she was there i was like i just fucking miss this chick and i miss this you know and it was just like and finally when she was like fuck you i'm gone i was like i'm obsessed with you and i need you and in my in my life and i miss you and i don't and i haven't felt i haven't missed someone like this and i don't know how long you know but really i mean you are to be all jokes aside you already have the rapport you've already had sex he is your friend you know he's been in your life for a long time it should feel abrupt to him for you to you know change things part of the reason why you have more sex and turn into a situationship is because if you abruptly end things now he might get a little mad at you and in a weird way he might feel justified for being mad at you because like technically you did give him this super weird boundary which is like you can fuck me one night and nothing will mean anything but after that it all counts i'm just giving you a hard time when you say it like that it sounds crazy but we've all done that shit i'm laughing with you i've we've all done that but i think it's important for us to acknowledge the crazy shit we say in the moment so like as we get older we can be a little more honest with ourselves about the ways in which we lie to ourselves and the people that we're about developing these connections with because you do eventually you just kind of have to be real with yourself you have to re-real with the people you're with and you have to and and you have to show them that you're serious about yourself i mean that's what it comes down to like it wasn't like i was taking natalie for granted deliberately i mean i certainly was but like yeah i i really thought i was being thoughtful and i thought i was being courteous.
But at the end of the day, she finally was like, this is beneath me. And her actions showed me that she was tired of it.
And I had to make a choice. So for you, ultimately, if you don't want to be that gamey about it, because honestly, that's probably just of a mess.
I'm super down to be gamey about it, honestly. Because I don't know how else to do it besides like because like i've already said where i stand and that i think that there's something worth exploring and he said that he you know he was like kind of wishy-washy about it which i basically just like kind of took as like a no which to your point was probably because he's like well well, why would I change a good thing?

Yeah. So you're going to have to figure out what your comfort level of your current situation is and how dependent he is on you to a certain extent.
How much are you in his life right now? I mean, I probably see him two or three times a week. I would say we're each other's usual first call on like weekend nights, if we want to do something or like, if we're planning something, if we want people to join, like we're usually each other's first call.
Like, I feel like I'm very much a part, like a huge part of his life. And like, he even like said that, like when we were drunk that night, he's like, I don't like, I wouldn't be able to like lose you.
And so like, don't want to like mess this up hence why like should we even do this this is a strong chance that like yeah he could fall for you for sure yeah for sure but he has to like let himself go there and he's not doing he has to let himself go there i mean if i'm keeping it super real with you and you know you're a beautiful person you know like it just comes down to like how much did he really like having sex with you okay well i got the impression that he liked it a lot so yeah and i just think that if he really liked it a lot then i'm guessing he's gonna want to do it again yeah and so just have to like let that kind of situation actually play out and yeah right now i'd i'd just be chill i wouldn't bring it up again whatever you do don't be passive aggressive okay that is the worst i don't think any guy likes that ever you know just be just be chill just keep being friends just be friends for now but like on your weekend you go out you know hopefully you guys get drunk and have sex again that's my wish my birthday this weekend so interesting interesting only because like i could see him getting in in his head about having sex with you on your birthday is he are do you already have plans to hang out on your birthday yeah okay but it's not it's not it's like it's going skiing for the day so it's not like a getting going out and getting drunk at night kind of thing there's not a direct path to sex interesting would it be weird for you to tell him to take you to dinner uh probably yeah you mean like for my birthday yeah i mean like i could see a situation where we just end up going to dinner, but for me to tell him to take me to dinner,

that would be a little odd.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Go have fun on your birthday.

Be open to having sex with him again, I guess.

Okay.

That is so not the answer I was expecting, but...

Well, I definitely say that with a huge caveat

or a great assault, so to speak, because you are way more at risk of being emotionally fucked up than he is just generally speaking. Yeah.
Well, to throw a little bit of a curveball into the situation, he is potentially going to have to get back surgery soon. And he if he does do that, he's going to move back home which is across the country um for at least a period of time and so i'm i don't know if you think that that is influencing his hesitancy or his thought process probably not no okay probably not because he's also like on a lot of like pain meds and stuff that he's in a great physical spot, but generally, I mean, that's, this is a huge generalization, but it's probably not the reason.
Okay. I think, I just think honestly, most people when they like someone and they want to date someone, they will think of a million excuses and reasons to make it work.
Yeah. You know, exactly.
So they're not going to think of the things that aren't going to. So, all right.
So I just have to make it work yeah you know exactly so they're not gonna think of the things that aren't going to so all right so so i just have to make him be obsessed with having sex with me and then i'm kind of but it's just to summarize we are assuming this is a man that like you guys have this relationship with and, and, and it's been

friends for whatever reason you guys have avoided any kind of physical boundaries.

And like the other night you guys went past that and he said some things to you that felt

normal, felt right.

Things like, I don't know, like you're a big part of my life physically, you know, you

guys seem like you're compatible.

He's not even your physical type.

Do you see, do you think he's your, his physical type?

Generally? Yeah. Okay.
I've never asked, asked but yeah you've seen the women he dates yeah i think generally yeah and so yeah there seems to be like a match there so i think a lot of men in his positions yes well like there's no real incentive for him to because he's so comfortable with the situation he has with you he knows what it is you know he's got this emotional support system like in a lot of ways you are his girlfriend already you know what i'm saying like you you feel that emotional responsibility that often that a girl like you know if this guy got a girlfriend tomorrow i can promise you your relationship would change she would not be okay with your guys's dynamic regardless of the sex would that would that be fair to say that like chances are you guys were a little bit too close yeah i will say like so he his most recent ex he dated like i don't know four months ago and it wasn't overly serious but it we didn't change our dynamic very much and so but i don't think i think that was more because he didn't like her very much yeah yeah i'm talking about like someone who's like hey i might marry this guy and she like tries to like merge their lives i'm guessing you're not now that we've hooked up i don't think that it would be okay with yes but yeah so you're playing this role for him right and so it's just about trying to almost like change his brain psychology a little bit, right?

To do that, you have to withhold

some of the things that you're giving him, right?

So the more sex part, it's mostly a joke.

I'm just more like, it's more like

you could probably have sex with him a few more times

and it won't change anything is my guess.

And then maybe, you know, he becomes more comfortable

and he really likes having sex with you.

I don't know.

You almost have to try to like

slow play a relationship with him

and that doesn't make him feel

like you're adding a lot of pressure

or responsibility.

And then out of nowhere,

you change it.

Out of nowhere, you're like,

you know what?

What are we doing here?

This is crazy.

You know, like, and like if the next time you have sex, sex you don't say like if you were to hook up over your birthday you don't say anything okay you know let it happen you just let it happen you try to do the thing that i i tell no one to do you know what i'm saying but you're only doing it because you you're you're playing chess here you're not playing checkers You're thinking two steps ahead. Yeah.
But keep in mind, this comes with a huge risk. The risk is we could be wrong about him.
He goes and gets his back surgery. He never comes around.
And you've fallen madly in love with this guy. And you never get what you want.
That is definitely possible. So I just want to say that and acknowledge that like what i'm telling you that's already the situation i'm in so like it's not very different okay well it could be more it will like it will be more i mean it will be more right you're not you know this is yeah yeah so just i want you to just acknowledge that and just be mindful of that that like have have your fun play fun, play your games, but like there are consequences, you know, you have to be, you know, headstrong here and mindful.
You, you really have to be honest with yourself while doing this. And at any point where you're like, this is too much for me, then you have, you can't, you know what I'm saying? Because a lot of it has to do with the energy you bring around him.
And if your energy changes, he'll notice it. If you start acting upset with his reactions, that's another thing you have to be mindful of that I think will catch you off guard.
Up until this point before, I'm guessing this guy kind of brought up past girlfriends, could have said something, and if either gave you the ick or you find it to be slightly annoying you'd either just ignore it or just like whatever i don't know he just was a guy yeah now when he says that shit you're gonna analyze it some of it you're gonna take personally the whole like you know i don't want to let you down you do have the right to be mad but like what you know what i'm saying like it's shit like that you're more now that you like him and that you, you know, you're just going to notice things he does more and you're going to have more of opinion about it. And the more you share or act that, you know, and the more you change the dynamic that way, that's what you don't want.
You know, save that for once he is your boyfriend, then you can be the girlfriend who like nags something, gets on his case and does, you know loving partner does but you know you get what i'm saying though right like yeah you know you don't want to be like well why'd you say that why'd you you know why'd you do that like or you kind of give him the cold shoulder and give him being passive aggressive and ignore him because he says something that annoyed you it's just like you don't want to do that you have you have to be able to be the chill cool friend that you have been to this guy. And that is more important than anything else.
More important than the sex. Yeah.
Be the chill, cool friend. Still continue to hang out like we always have.
Yeah. I mean, honestly, if you want to go from joking to sound advice, whether it's sex or anything else, you're finding moments where you connect with this guy that doesn't make it feel like it's getting weird for him okay and you want to just find different ways that you guys can connect whether it's sex or hanging out or spending quality time together being there for him in a way that like and and i want him to get real comfortable and really used to it and then i want you to pull it out of the rug and just and just say like i can't do this do this anymore.
And he's going to, and then when you do that, he's going to say no, most likely, almost certainly. He's going to tell you like, oh, I can't, I can't do this.
Why are we doing it? Why I got to ruin it? That's a good thing. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then you can either call back and I can update you or you can like read my book. But when you do that, then you really need to be chill and you just say, hey, listen, I, this is how I feel.
And I know he could be great and if you don't feel that way i understand but we can't keep doing this and um you can't call me anymore yeah and you just remain calm as fuck and you and then you have to enforce that boundary and you have to not take his calls and you have to start going on dates with other men and also while you do this make sure you're dating aggressively also other dating yes that was the other thing that i was talking to a friend about is like do i like try to have another guy come to my birthday or like don't be don't be don't be like gamey like that but just make sure you're dating and don't hide it that's all that's all you have to do don't hide it just don't need to be in front of him just like yeah do not no don't yeah it's there's a huge difference between not hiding it and then flaunting it because that'll just annoy him okay yeah all right that makes a lot of sense so and then it's just a matter of like okay like at what point do i flip that switch and say like listen i can't't? There's no real answer, honestly. Yeah.
I mean, honestly, you could do it now. I mean, you really could.
You have a rapport with this guy. He did say that you're a big part of my life.
I don't know if I could lose you. But right now, and that's why I was kind of joking that I almost want you to get into a situationship because so much of a situationship is I've talked to all, you know, it's mostly women, but whether it's a guy or girl, it's the person who's on the hopeful part, as I say, of a situationship, they'll call up and be like, well, we do all these boyfriend and girlfriend things.
Why don't they want to be my boyfriend or girlfriend? You know what I'm saying? And they, I want you to do, I want you to start doing all those boyfriend and girlfriend things with this guy and connect with him in these ways. And it's just about building that rapport.
Because right now, it sounds like up until New Year's Eve, you really were just friends. You weren't doing a lot of boyfriend and girlfriend things.
I want you to do slightly more boyfriend and girlfriend things. Slightly more.
Okay. So it's like, yeah, we would go, we would do things one-on-one a lot we would like how often do you get lunch or dinner i don't know we'd probably like once a week okay yeah keep doing that but it was always like casual you know like it was never like yeah that's fine oh trust me people situationships it's always casual it's just about quality time it's just about you two are spending a lot of time together you know what i'm saying i want him to take you for granted in a way i want him to enjoy all this time he has with you whatever it is maybe it's sex maybe it's dinner whatever and i want him to like take it for granted to a certain and have him not realize it and then when you are like i can't do this anymore he has to realize he's been taking it for granted in a way okay and then when i say that like like how natalie said it like basically i think we could be great yeah literally that was that's literally what she said she's like i really think she i mean it was like the third time she brought it up and she was like i i just think we could be really great and i really want i want us to do this but yeah she was i mean i i'll still i remember exactly where we were and she was just very calm and a very she was chill as fuck and very matter of fact and and then i said no and she said okay take me to the airport i mean she was on her way to the airport anyways but she didn't grovel she didn't beg she didn't cry she didn't say why not she didn't try to convince me okay she went home and planned a date with a surgeon.
That's where I feel like I've started a good foundation for that. Because the other day I did say, I don't know, I think there's something here.
And then when he was like, I don't know, I just was like, all right, well, see you later. I just left because it was time to leave like we were i was already leaving yeah i think i need you need to go on another date real fast with another guy with another guy all right yeah i have one in on cue so we can do that yeah and don't hide it like what are you doing this weekend oh i have a date great and you're just kind of casual about it because you know when Because now when you say to him, oh, I think there's something great here.
And he says, oh, well, I don't want to let you down. He's immediately in a position of power, right? And power can shift so quickly.
The moment that he finds out you're on a date, and especially after he had sex with you, he's going to feel something. What? I don't know.
He will feel something. Okay.
And the more you're just kind of like, yeah, I don't know, I'm going to date. And so most, and you act like you forgot you brought it up to him that you could be something special.
He loses that power. And even if it's just about the power, that will make him feel a certain way.
Now you have to be careful with that because you don't want him to like you just because he wants to know he can. But it's such a fine line.
And when it comes to this type of stuff and dating, it's like we're all these we're egomaniacs.

We all want to be pursued.

We want someone who like feels lucky to have us.

But at the same time, we don't want to chase.

You know, it's like, well, you know.

Exactly.

It's like I don't want to like be in a position where I feel like I'm having to convince somebody to be with me.

But at the same time, like when like like, I feel pretty confident about this. Like we've been friends for seven years.
We now realize that like, we also have good sexual chemistry. Like we, like, I don't want to do anything different than we've been doing besides just add in more sex.
I think you should just, when you're in his presence, you are presence you are you are confident you are independent you are self-assured you have a million exciting things going on you know what i'm saying like that's generally the energy without trying to like pitch them and try to sell it but that's more of a state of mind it's more of a mindset you know and again so that when he asks what you're doing you don't say nothing you don't say oh i have nothing going on i'm bored you're always selling you know that like you have a lot going on and it's more of a mindset and this is a guy who does know a lot about you anyways so don't you know you don't want to like read false but like you go on dates you know it's like yeah you know like normal people in your situation would be really sad about being rejected after he rejected you, so to speak but you're not going to do the normal thing you're just going to move on with your life go on a date and act like you were completely unbothered by that rejection that will be different he'll notice you know it's shit like that and when and if you can keep him on your toes that way he'll start he'll start asking himself what the fuck am i doing you know that's what i'm hoping that's what I'm hoping. But if you stop dating him on your toes that way, he'll start asking himself, what the fuck am I doing?

That's what I'm hoping.

If you stop dating a bunch of people and you grovel and beg

for him, he's just going to be like,

I'm good.

He's got nothing going for her.

No one else wants to date her. She's begging me to date her.

He's not going to actually say that,

but that's kind of how we think.

Yeah. You got to create some demand.
Yeah. So go create some demand.
Okay. Um, and then, yeah, when do you do it? I don't know.
It's a gut feeling before his back surgery. Yeah.
I don't know. We'll see.
We'll see how that plays. I would say, uh, less than two months.
Less than two months. All right.
That at least gives me like some sort of a guideline guideline because i've also like had guy friends that i've slept with for like over two years so i don't want to get into that situation no no no this is like yeah i mean again i'm mostly joking about the sex part and this is really about you not responding the way he's expecting you to respond after this and then continue to hang out with him trying to make connections with him and then showing him that you haven't put yourself on hold because he hasn't asked you to and then keep making these connections with him having that quality time with him he gets more used to that quality time and then eventually you you cut him off okay i can definitely do that You have a lot going for you. It'll work itself out one way or the other.
All right. But your peace of mind is knowing that you can't be friends with this guy.
You never really could be. This was meant to happen.
And by meant, I mean, like, you inevitably, you guys were going to have sex. And the fact that you told a story as if, like, you knew it was a sure thing, which honestly doesn't make much sense, but I'm just going to take your word for it.
So clearly I'm just saying like there was a natural level of confidence and chemistry that you guys had that you felt a level of you, you know, you knew, you knew. So there's clearly something there.
Was this helpful? It really is. Yeah.
It's not what I was expecting you to say. I thought you were going to immediately tell me that I need to stop being friends with him and just cut him out.
I want to emphasize that you could do that now and you know this guy in this relationship better than I do. But basing off what you're telling me, I'm sensing some reluctance on his part and I'm sensing he needs to be a little bit more emotionally invested in you than he is yeah it does seem like there's a shot here we'll see okay i think that's that's good to hear all right well keep us posted i i definitely will need an update okay i will all right take care all right thanks nick all right bye-bye have you ever wanted to learn a new skill by someone at the top of their game well i'm sure'm sure the answer is yes.
That's all of us. Well, Masterclass is here to help you accomplish that.
Whether you want to learn about photography, negotiating, cooking, art, painting, craftsmanship, honestly, the list goes on. Hockey, screenplay writing, literally is unbelievable what you can learn from the best in class.
Maybe you can learn cooking from Wolfgang Puck. That sounds fun.
Or maybe you can learn a little bit about hockey with Wayne Gretzky or learn about comedy development from Mindy Kaling. I learned how to do photography.
I love Christopher Voss, Art of Negotiation. I love Masterclass.
I use it all the time. I even got it for gifts from my brother-in-laws.
It's absolutely great. Plus, there's no risk.
Every new membership comes with 30-day money-back guarantee. I mean, you can use it for 30 days and get rid of it, but you won't because you'll be shocked on how fun it is, how interactive it is, and just how beautifully done it is.
It really feels like you're immersed in an actual classroom with these high-end professionals that are really at the top of their game. It's truly incredible.
Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at masterclass.com slash Nick. That's 15% off at masterclass.com slash Nick.
Masterclass.com slash Nick. Article is an online furniture company that makes it effortless to create a stylish, long-lasting home at an unbeatable price.
Article believes in delightful design for every home. Their curated assortment of mid-century modern, coastal, industrial, Scandi-inspired designs not only shine on their own, but they pair seamlessly with nearly any other Article product.
Their Xena Outdoor Counter Stool, their Rosen Dining Chairs, their Tovey Round Table. We have some great outdoor pieces from Article.
We have lounge chairs. We have these really kind of kind of fancy bean baggy things that are like we always get compliments on them every time we have company over article takes great care in curating its collection focusing solely on high quality meaningful pieces that will stand the test of time every item is chosen for draftsmanship design and lasting value article offers fast affordable shipping across the u.s and canada with options for professional assembly if you prefer a hands-off experience.
With Article's 30-day satisfaction guarantee, you can shop with confidence knowing that if you're not completely in love with your new furniture, you can easily return it. This peace of mind ensures you can invest in your home without hesitation.
Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit article.com slash V-I-A- be automatically applied at checkout.
That's article.com slash VIALL for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. In the 21st century, your home is a symphony of energy.
Digital devices, battery backup, EV charging, and you've got the power. With help from Schneider Home, think about automated energy control.
Why do your appliances need a connected system? Well, because your energy use is streamlined, managing power and charging off peak to optimize your savings and use, which is good for the planet and our wallets. It's like double savings from your friends at Schneider home.
Design your system at schneiderhome.com today. You've got the power.
At Valley Strong Credit Union, we know that local businesses are the backbone of the Central Valley. Investing in our neighborhoods, boosting the economy, making the Valley stronger.
But when it comes to their finances, where can they turn? A big bank that just sees another number? That's not good enough. Valley businesses deserve Valley support for payroll, credit, cash flow, and everything in between.
Valley business is Valley strong. Learn how our cash management services can support your business at valleystrong.com.
How's it going? Good. How are you? Good.
What's your name? My name is Erica and I'm 28 years old. How can I help Erica? I am wondering if I'm physically attracted to my own boyfriend.
Okay. How can I help you figure that out whether you are or not? Or yeah, is that what you're trying to figure out? That's what I'm trying to figure out.
I'm trying, I guess, to figure out if it's me and him or if it's just me in general, I guess you would say. Okay.
Elaborate. So basically I, when it comes to physical intimacy or just like little things, just touching here and there with him i really want nothing to do with it and if you would have asked me about two years ago i would have said absolutely my love language is physical touch that's i love the lovey-dovey stuff i love him kissing on my cheeks and then coming up behind me and grabbing me now i would say i am like really resistant to it okay how long you've been dating this guy for on and off for about four years but i just moved in with him uh almost a year now when is this uh repulsiveness to him touching you started i would say almost whenever i started moving in with him okay i mean and why do you think that is like i'm not really sure because he's like he doesn't do anything wrong and that's why I'm so stuck because he truly is a like a perfect guy to me I just don't like it like I know you don't like the word ick but like whenever he comes up and touches me and stuff I'm like oh I don't want like and I don't know if it's just me in, like if I would be like that with anybody else or if it's just with him, if something about him and me personally just isn't like clicking there on the intimacy part.
Are you fantasizing about other men? Are you checking other men out? No. No.
Are you just, you know, in a season of not being like sexual, like maybe you're just kind of, maybe the ick isn't coming from, you know, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Like you're just what you're describing.
You've been dating this guy for almost four years, or you've known him for four years. And in the first couple of years, everything's good, right? Like hooking up, liking.
Yeah, it was good. I wouldn't say like, I wanted to jump his bones kind of compared to my other relationships,

but things were okay still.

Do you find him attractive?

Yes.

Okay.

I mean, he's a good looking guy.

Okay, sure.

All right.

So it's not like you decided, yeah, he's a good looking guy.

He may not be-

Yeah.

No, he's not the hottest guy in the world.

No, but I'm still attracted to him, I guess you would you would say otherwise i probably necessarily wouldn't be dating him sure well i mean where do you think this is coming from i have no idea like that's why i don't know if it's like just maybe me and my hormones or if that's like something people do go through like if that's normal if it's just like you know what i mean like i don't know if yeah i mean i think i hate it because every time he like wants to do something in my head now that's all i think about is i don't want to do it so it also like takes away from the fact like it stops me too from even like enjoying things whenever we do it so in my head obviously it's hard for me to give you like a opinion even as a man i think it's it's a little different. Like, is there something that I because I never want him.
So now that like I feel this way, though, I don't want him to like notice that I feel that way. Just because like, I mean, if someone said that to me, it's like a shot in the heart.
You know what I mean? So I don't want it to ever come across to him or him to like get the feeling from it. So, you know, I just want to ask you some kind of personal questions at your comfort level when you were in other relationships or when you were in this guy we're having a more physical activity what did you do either with him or you know with yourself to like get you in the mood so to speak i would say i like whenever a guy has been like just really in charge just like goes for it initiates goes for it isn't takes charge of everything okay and what is this guy doing not really that um but i've expressed him before that like because sometimes he'll do it and i'll be like oh i really like that to try to like get him to start doing it more and we don't really do like any foreplay either it's just like we're laying down and then he just wants to start doing it which is kind of like you know lame yeah there's a time and place for that like sure sure yeah listen like you know and i'm not you know i'm not trying to claim like i'm some casanova but like just recognizing that like you know yeah every couple does that from time to time you get tired you get lazy whatever every man gets lazy from time to time.
But as a couple, you have to find your way out of the ruts, so to speak. But this is not some guy you've been dating for a month or whatever.
You have a whole history with this guy. It does sound like it's more of a you thing that you're working through internally.
I know nothing about hormones and I know nothing about stuff like that. But yeah, I mean, I think even guys, I mean, there have been times in long-term relationships where I just like, I was the one pulling away from sex more than my partner was for whatever reason why.
And I think you guys have to find your way back together in a way. You know, it sounds like you guys aren't communicating at all about intimacy that much.
Is that accurate yeah i would say we don't really the only time we ever really talk about it is like if i if he does something that i like i do try to express that to him or just kind of say like hey i liked whenever you did that that's great just to hopefully he'll start doing that more um but that's really only what we have talked about we don't like you know agree for talk sure well listen on some level if you're gonna date someone for like four years and continue to want to date them and shit gets mundane and more than shit getting mundane it's like it's it's very easy to get lazy or setting your ways or disconnected or whatever you're gonna have to figure out some version where you guys maybe communicate a little bit more about intimacy yeah i don't know i mean like i don't know how how strong your ick is like if if you were to it again okay so like the idea of like let's say he created a romantic evening taking charge of the situation lit some candles i don't fucking know told you to like lie in the bed he wanted to give you a massage and that massage was you know like you know like you guys were like i'm not wearing clothes and shit like would that give you the ick or like would you be like ew it's kind of like i don't really want to do that you get a free massage like right now i would say yes it does give me the ick okay and i can't figure out if it's like just me in general and that's how i would feel if I was with anybody like that's what I'm kind of having difficulties with only because I wasn't like that before I would be like hell yeah let's do it but now I'm like oh I mean like I don't want anything to do with that I feel like I'm not being much help here but like have you seen a doctor the little bit I know about women is that like, you know, hormones can change and hormones can affect your sex drive and there can be seasons and periods. But like, maybe it's a question for a doctor and ask if, could this be a physical thing as opposed to a mental thing? Because honestly, that's what sounds like you're trying to figure out.
You don't even know if like, you don't even know if like maybe your body is experiencing some changes and, you know, I don't- in my head type thing now or if it's in your head a little bit of both feel free not to answer this question you tell me to fuck off but like are you on birth control uh yeah i have an iud sure you know and i don't know how i have no i know nothing about that other than the fact that maybe there's something with birth control that like i don't know could be impacting a mood or something i don't know it's worth a call to your doctor you may not get any answers Yeah, I don't know, could be impacting a mood or something. I don't know.
It's worth a call to your doctor. You may not get any answers.
To help narrow it down. Yeah, I don't know.
But like, you'll probably get more answers from then you'll get from me about this topic. So I guess then with that though, so if I, you know, go to the doctor, but in the meantime to at least like get it out of my head.
So I'm literally not like thinking like thinking this stuff during it like how is there anything that you can tell me to like get it out of my head for the time being or if i should just like i don't know you know what i mean so i hear you um i don't know if i have a good good answer you know like so you're basically saying when you're like when you guys are having sex you reluctantly feeling all right let's let's do the thing and you sound so bad yeah kind of like obligation as a as a girlfriend or whatever like what's going on in your head i would say during it or like whenever he starts you know kissing me and i know it's going to lead to that in my head i'm thinking oh i want to just get this over with and i know that sounds like

so messed up but that's what goes through my head well and is it because you don't feel like having sex right now or is it just like you want this guy to get off you it's kind of both it just depends like sometimes i'm like i don't want to do this right now because yeah i am tired but then other times i'm not like it's literally i don't i just don't want you to do it and you don't know of like a different guy might be.

I just think back to like before him kind of when him and i were on and off i wasn't like this so that's why a part of me thinks that like maybe i'm just you know a little resistant towards him and maybe i we just don't have that like sexual chemistry have you ever had the sexual chemistry have him and i yeah yeah and what's changed has he changed like physically no if anything he's gotten you know better okay so i mean yeah just trying to narrow it down it doesn't sound like a very unscientific unprofessional opinion and if you can have chemistry with someone at any point then you can recreate that chemistry especially bring it back yeah well you know you know people can let themselves go you know and be like hey listen i was i had the hots from them and they like kind of gave up on themselves and five years later they're unrecognizable i don't know that's a reality but like you're saying if anything he's invested more of himself he's taking better care of himself and probably a little hotter than he was five years, you know, four years ago. So like, it doesn't sound like it's a straight up him thing.
I don't doubt that it's been a combination of you're having a hard time figuring out why you're feeling the way you're feeling. Your body's not responding the way you're used to it responding.
You don't feel comfortable communicating this to your boyfriend, obviously, because you don't want to hurt his feelings and have it devastate him. And so you kind of just let him do whatever you let him do.
And then I think almost that is allowing you to almost like attach your discomfort with it in general to like him giving you the egg. My best guess based on what you're telling me, and I want to emphasize guess, is that, you know, because I think this is like a chicken before the egg question you're asking yourself.
Like you're asking yourself, is my body doing something where I have lack of interest in sex and therefore it's making me feel a certain way about my boyfriend? Or have I just lost interest in my boyfriend and that's why I feel the way I do and it's less because of what my body's going through? Would that sound accurate? Like the two like kind of questions you're juggling? Yes, definitely. Okay.
So I think, and again, my best guess, based on what you're telling me, an emphasis on guess, it makes more sense that your body is going through something. I don't know.
Maybe it's just normal. Maybe it's seasonal.
Maybe it's something you're eating. Maybe it's something in the water.
I don't know. It makes a lot of sense that like, if all of a sudden you like, you know, you were just less in the mood, less in the mood, but you didn't really know what was going on.
You didn't really feel comfortable communicating that with your boyfriend because you didn't want to hurt his feelings and so as a result you just kind of let him do you know whatever it is he wants to do when like he gets in the mood from time to time and so like that is like making you feel a certain way about him because like now you've attached you know because he is your partner when you're not in the mood and you don't want to do anything and he's making moves on you, anyone would give you the ick in that moment, you know, and you don't feel- Yeah, it's like an annoyance whenever that's already in my head. So it's not, it's less about him and more that he's annoying you because like you don't know how to communicate how you're feeling about that stuff.
That makes sense. Yeah.
It's a tough situation to be in, but I do, and again, I'm just guessing. So like maybe before you go rogue like you know have a conversation with your doctor get the information to ask you know ask i don't want to go to him before i figure out if it's actually something in my body that's causing it before i just go up and totally but if it but if it is listen like he should like i don't know any adult man should be able to like recognize that like you know sometimes, sometimes like shit happens and like, you know, yeah.
Is it easy to like question? Like, is it me? Yada, yada. But like, it's a lot easier.
You're not doing anything on the side, you know, like there's some things that might make him insecure, but like, you know, you'll have to work through that and communicate that. But if it came to that, you could say, I just been less in the mood lately and it's definitely not you.
Or, you know, I don't know if you can say that, but I'm just saying you're going to have to figure out some way to communicate with him because you not communicating with him how you're feeling is causing you to get the ick from your boyfriend because he's just like doing what he's always done and you're not communicating how you're feeling so you're letting him do it and it's like getting annoying. Yeah, no, I would uh so that's my best guess yeah yeah i mean only you can know if you're still attracted to your boyfriend or not and i think your confusion i'm guessing is coming from the fact that you decided to date this guy for a lot of reasons it sounds like he's a really good guy and a good boyfriend there's a lot of things you like about him and the relationship and like you're pretty attracted to him.
But I don't know. You decided not to date the hottest guy in the room, which is probably a smart choice.
And now that you're feeling this way, you're getting in your head and questioning your attraction to your boyfriend. It's my best guess.
Okay. No, that makes sense because that is exactly what I'm thinking.
I'm just confused. I'm definitely curious.
It just stays in my head. Yeah.
I often don't like pulling our audience when it comes to their opinion about this stuff. I'd be curious if there's ladies out there listening to this who relate to you.
That's what I was wondering because I was like, I wonder if this is something, you know, normal that women go through or if it's, you know, yeah, I'd be curious too. Yeah.
And what do you, have you talked to any of your girlfriends about this? A few of them and they, their reasoning just is that, you know, like they're just tired and stuff like that. It's not that they're like, they're just tired at night or they don't want to type thing.
Or like if their boyfriend pissed them off that day, they're like, I don't want to do anything like that. Sure.
I mean, listen, it sounds like your sex drive is non-existent at the moment or just

not there, you know, not to get like... Now talking about it does sound like that, yeah.

Yeah. And you're not doing anything on your own, correct? Correct.
Yeah. All right.
So like,

you're not trying to fulfill your sexual needs outside of your relationship, whether that's

with yourself, porn, or just flirting with other men, or, you know, God forbid, cheating on your

boyfriend, you just don't feel like doing it period and and your boyfriend doesn't know and so now that he's doing this you feel obligated and it's making you like annoyed with him that makes a lot of sense that's you know that's exactly what it is yeah there's ways to improve your sex drive talk to your doctor get some information uh start there uh and then yeah like maybe find ways to improve your sex drive um i don't know if there's things actually we interviewed someone who uh made women viagra she's like the one of the first billionaire women this might be a thing i might have to look it up cindy eckhart look her up not advocating for anything she's selling or doing i mean i i know her a little bit she seems legit, but I have no idea what it does and what women's Viagra means, but I think maybe that's something you could do. Anyways, talk to your doctor and find out your options because it sounds like it's starting there and then go from there.
Because I'm guessing, right, if you talk to your doctor, right, or let's say you talk to, maybe you met some women who are like, girl, I know exactly what you're going through. I wondered the same things, but it's just your lack of sex drive.
I bet if you heard that from someone that made you feel like you weren't crazy or gave you something to go on, you might be less nervous about communicating this with your now you're in your, you're in your head about it. And when he's like,

well, is it me? You don't want to be like, I don't think so. You don't want to have like

this look of confusion. I think if I had like another woman or someone like, you know,

talk about it, I would feel more normal about it. And I want to be as my head in my much because

I always think I'm like, I'm only 28. I'm not like going through pre-menopause and stuff.

I'm like, my sex drive shouldn't be low. So then I get in my head about that too.

Listen, I'm only 28. I'm not like going through pre-menopause and stuff.
I'm like, my sex drive shouldn't be low. So then I get in my head about that too.
Listen, I think a million things can cause a low sex drive. Are you, you know, what's going on? You have stress in your life at all? Not really.
I mean, everybody does, but not like terrible, you know? Yeah. It could be a million things and maybe it's an easy fix.
Maybe it's a diet thing. I don't know.
I definitely think there's a few calls you can make and a few doctor visits or whatever. At least get some information and just better understand.
Because I think right now, you're just going through something that is, like you said, you're young. It's unexpected that you feel the way you do.
It's a little confusing and you really have no answers. So all you're doing is guessing right now and you're just getting in your head.
I appreciate you calling in. It's a really interesting topic.
And I think one that I wouldn't be surprised if it does relate to a lot of people, but like I'm a start, but like look to other people who maybe can give you better information. Okay.
Yeah. I will.
It's the first step. Yeah.
It's the first step. But at some point, you know get information that makes you better understand what's going on and assuming it's not your boyfriend.
Hopefully that will make you confident to communicate. Just give him an update on what's going on in your life.
And hopefully he's there for you and doesn't take it personally. And there's a lot better chance he won't.
Assuming you're like, yeah, I've just been feeling this way. I went to my doctor.
They told me blah, blah, blah blah blah and like you know there's things i you know can do we'll see what happens but i've just been kind of feeling this way and i would assume that if let's say nally when i was like hey just i've been feeling this way and i went to my doctor and blah blah blah blah blah any insecurities or like questions about is it me or what you know getting in my head about other things would be drastically drastically like helped that she had information already, and that she was kind of proactive. If she came to me and she's like, yeah, listen, I'm just not in the mood lately, and that's all she said, yeah, my first thought would be like, well, is it me? It's a tough situation, but I would start there and go from there.
Okay. Okay? If you do get any information and any insight, or you're able to solve this problem at all, even if you realize, yeah, it was my boyfriend, please let us know.
I would love an update. Okay.
I'm really hoping that you come back with like, yeah, I would talk to my doctor and I learned this and I did this and things are better. That would be great.
My hormones are just way off. Sure.
Yeah. I hope that's the case too.

Despite you being young, I don't think you need to freak out.

And I'm not a doctor, but there can be a lot of reasons why you may be feeling the way you're feeling that don't need to stress you out.

Or there might be a couple of things you can do to improve it.

To help.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you, guys.

All right.

Thank you.

Take care. Thanks for your call.
Thanks. You as well.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Okay.
Okay. Thank you guys.
All right. Thank you.
Take care. Thanks for your call.

Thanks. You've got the power.
Have you ever wiped with a piece of dry, single-ply toilet paper and wondered, is this as good as it gets? Well, it's not. It gets a lot better thanks to the wet, extra-large cleaning power of Dude Wipes.
They comfortably clean up whatever TP leaves behind on your behind. It's time to stop being an A-hole to your B-hole and start experiencing the confident clean of Dude Wipes.
Available at Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. Dude Wipes.
Best clean, pants down. Guys, it's time to take charge of your health.
Azure Wells men's wellness products

are here to support you from boosting your energy to maintaining heart health. And with our special

sales promotion, there's no better time to invest in your well-being. Visit azurelivingwell.com.

That's A-Z-U-R-E livingwell.com. Take the first step towards a healthier you today.

These products have not been evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, prevent any disease.