E947 Ask Nick - I Have A Crush On My Husband's Best Friend

This is the story of the one.

As a maintenance engineer, he hears things differently.

To the untrained ear, everything on his shop floor might sound fine, but he can hear gears grinding or a belt slipping.

So he steps in to fix the problem at hand before it gets out of hand.

And he knows Granger's got the right product he needs to get the job done, which is music to his ears.

Call clickgranger.com or just stop by.

Granger for the ones who get it done.

Oikos presents 15 seconds of strength.

Here we go.

Steve's got a trunk full of groceries and no one to help him.

Oh, that's tough, Jim.

Looks like a five-trip load at least.

He grabs the first bag, the second.

Bob, it looks like he's trying to do it all in one trip.

He shimmies the door open, steps over the dog.

Oh, and he stumbles.

Oh, right into the kitchen without missing a beat.

Jim, now that's a man who eats his protein-packed Oikos.

With 15 grams of complete protein in each cup, Oikos Triple Zero can help build strength for every day.

Oikos, stronger, makes everything better.

Okay.

How's it going?

Good.

How are you?

Good.

What's your name?

My name's Ellie, and I'm 28 years old.

How can I help, Ellie?

So my mother-in-law, soon-to-be mother-in-law, is a monster, and I just do not know how to deal with her and like protecting my peace, basically.

Gotcha.

So you're not, she's current.

She's technically not your mother-in-law yet.

Not yet.

We are getting married April 4th, 2027.

So we're like kind of far out, but we're getting there.

Okay.

All right.

What makes her a monster-in-law?

So when I first originally met her, when I was like still dating my fiancé, so he was my boyfriend at the time.

She was great.

Like we were.

really close like everything was fine we had like casual conversations everything you know i was invited to a lot of holidays and stuff like that.

But then basically once I got the ring on my finger, everything went downhill so fast.

What was the first thing you noticed that changed?

One of the things definitely that I noticed changed is when my fiancé, he has a daughter from a previous relationship.

So when I got introduced to her and we started becoming close.

That's when I kind of started to notice a change that it like, I don't know if she felt like I was replacing her in his daughter's life or whatnot, because she still has a great relationship with her.

It's just like, I thought she would be happy that I was coming in as like a second mother figure to this child.

And she just was not happy about it whatsoever.

And is that as like your read on the situation or was something said specifically that made it very clear that she wasn't happy?

She definitely said some things.

She didn't like.

some of the parenting choices we made together as a couple once I started meeting the daughter and like just me getting in like just like little things with homework or the way she styled her clothes and things like that um and then like rules around her cell phone that was another thing that his mom just hated that i did so and that she felt like it was all me who made these rules but it was definitely a discussion between the two of us like yeah This is what we decide on as a couple for his daughter as like a parental unit.

What's

his daughter's relationship with mom, her mom?

They have a great relationship.

So just like it was kind of just a past relationship.

They had a kid and then they just decided moving forward, like they weren't good enough in a relationship.

But we have all three of us have like a really good co-parenting schedule and everything.

There's never like times where we can't see his daughter or, you know, we butt heads on things.

We all just have really over the past year and a half, really gotten good co-parenting down, basically.

So the obvious question is what role is your fiancé uh playing in this dynamic and why isn't he able to uh diffuse this tension between you and his mom so the reason is is he does not take his mom's side at all he stands up for me every single time and she hates that every single time like he'll she'll say something and he's like mom that's not cool you're being really rude and she hates that 100

so it's

they don't have the best relationship either.

So that's like already, so before I even came in, there was already bad tensions between those two.

So then it just kind of got worse when I got it, basically.

And what have you tried to do?

Anything directly?

Like, have you tried to have a sit down with mom and, and just say, hey, you know, like, um,

what's up?

Yeah, we've had two sit-down conversations.

The first one was right after we got engaged because she just started flipping out on us for little things and said we were very selfish for going on a trip right after we got engaged and not bringing his daughter.

We were like, well, it's just a trip for us to like celebrate this new engagement and everything and to start looking at wedding venues together.

And we didn't really want anybody else's opinion right away for wedding venues.

So she didn't like that his daughter wasn't invited and that nobody else was invited.

I even like, so I go to counseling regularly and I have sat down with my counselor and I'm like, I need to help getting out my emotions because I'm a very emotional person.

I cry when there's conflict.

So like, I even wrote a letter to her being like, you know, I'm really just confused as where our relationship went wrong.

Is there anything I did?

How can I fix that?

And she just never could give me pinpoint examples of where.

I went wrong and she felt like I was being rude.

She just said, you were being rude.

And I was like, okay, well, can I have like examples?

And she was like, well, it was in the past, but you were being rude at that point.

So when we have these sit down conversations, like we both get out our feelings and we let his parents get out their feelings, but they just nothing ever gets fixed.

We've even tried distance too.

And it's hard because we all live proximity pretty close to each other.

But even the distance, like we're like, hey, we just need some time to diffuse the situation and they don't respect it whatsoever.

at all.

And when you say they, you include like his dad in that or her partner?

Yeah, his dad, his dad more just like plays a role as kind of like a referee, I would kind of say like he never gets into the conflict, but if like he feels like it's getting too tense or whatnot, he'll be like, all right, everybody just needs to calm down.

But he's never said any like rude comments to me or my fiancé.

And when you say calm down, like, are you raising your voice?

Are you yelling?

I know you said you're an emotional person, but like how elevated are these?

My fiancé is a yeller, but he's a loud talker in general.

So it's kind of hard to differentiate like yelling and loud.

He will get very frustrated with his mom and he will yell.

And then both like his dad and I will come in and be like, all right, there's no reason to yell.

Let's all just like talk at a normal level.

What specifically is he getting frustrated by when it comes to moms?

So he's had some personal problems that he's had to get over in the past.

And his parents helped him a lot in the past through like his recovery journey and things like that.

But

they hold it over his head.

They they're like, well, you messed up in the past and now we have the right to bring it up whenever we want to.

How do they bring it up?

They'll basically say, you know, back when you were an addict, you were exhibiting these same exact behaviors.

So are you using again?

Are you doing that?

Or like, if we're like, hey, you know, we're trying out this new parenting technique with his daughter.

She'll be like, well, it's good because back when you were an addict, you were never a parent.

And then like those things just aren't useful at all.

Like, I don't know why she feels the need to bring those up.

Yeah, not helpful.

Um, two things here

that you can try to work on.

Because like, you know, I can't talk to grandma.

Uh, and I don't and um doubt she's gonna call in.

Oh, God, no, she would no.

It's so funny.

We were like, she will never because we've even tried like group counseling together or like even saying like hey, maybe we can all sit down as a family because she very much involves the brother a lot that my fiancé has

to kind of also diffuse.

He'll like, after a fight, we'll text him and be like, hey, you need to apologize to mom.

And he's like, well, do you know what mom said to me and Ellie?

And he's like, no, but just apologize and just diffuse the situation.

We don't need any more conflict kind of thing.

Okay.

Grandma's not calling in and we're not going to change grandma.

So

I think that's one thing that you and your, your.

fiancé need to accept that like right now you're i think you're approaching this from the mindset of how do I change my mother-in-law so we can get along better yeah because you think she's wrong and she probably is

and right it sounds like you are at least trying to like get on her level you've tried to like say hey you know where did we go wrong right

so one you probably could work on

dealing with conflict better than you do now yeah right yeah so when she's just like saying well i don't know it's in the past or you were just rude.

I mean, you could challenge her if you wanted to.

Again, I don't know how, I don't know what's going to come of that, you know, but I do think that could be something that you generally work on in general.

And just like you could almost use your mother-in-law because like she's, she fights unfairly as people often do.

And it's not a, they're not trying to resolve conflict.

I don't know what your ground, your mother-in-law's motivation is, but it's, it's not peace, right?

It's not resolution.

It is probably control of some kind influence of some kind right and then she weaponizes obviously her son's sobriety and and and maybe just your desire to be close with the family against you and then you know she says and does the things that she's doing and then when she then when you try to resolve it she's now just like well i don't know it's in the past and you were just rude to me it's just like okay you know and yeah i would say well you know if you can't remember then i don't know you know there's nothing really to resolve but like i would just ask her it's just like well is that that your, you know, yeah, it's just more like, if you can't remember, I would challenge her on like, well, if you can't remember, then how do you know I was rude?

Yeah.

And is it just because, or, or, or were we just, was I rude or did we just disagree on a topic?

Yeah, that's a good one.

And then how do you, you know, and you can say.

Also, like, I, you know, I always want, I always appreciate feedback on how I can better communicate with you, but I do get frustrated that you seem uninterested the way you communicate to me and how it makes me feel.

Have you ever considered how you speak to me?

And if that was, if that's ever rude, I don't even think she cares or considers it.

You know what I'm saying?

She, she thinks she's in a position where, you know, she looks down on you like, you know, a child the same way she probably does her son and, you know, a girlfriend he would maybe bring home as a 15-year-old.

Yeah.

Again, like, that's just something you're just getting better at like conflict resolution.

But the solution to your problem really is to care less.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, listen, what you have going for you is the most important part is you have a partner that

you seem to be on the same page with.

You're not feeling disconnected from your partner.

He does have your back, you know?

And it's not like, you know, oh, it's just like, you know, he sides with his mom or he just like, I don't know, my partner doesn't like to get involved or he hates conflict.

I hear that all the time.

So like, you have that going for you where other people who have problems with the mother-in-laws don't, which is like

you and your partner are on the same page you also have a healthy relationship with the mother of of his child and so the three of you that dynamic is far more important than mom-in-law it just is right and what mom yeah what mom is not realizing or maybe she does and is

operating from a place of fear is that she really has no control or power in the situation and that's what matters most to her okay right yeah and the way you make her feel like what she does works is how much you care and how you respond and how your and how your fiancé responds.

She triggers you guys.

She gets you activated.

She, you know, you wrote her a letter, you know, like that's someone who cares, you know, she would never think to write you a letter.

She doesn't even want to like resolve conflict with you.

She, you know, it's like she wants you caring about her, you know?

So you not caring, you know, it's like if you like, cause everything you've told me up until this point, nothing really like it didn't require you to you know you didn't need mom-in-law's permission to take this trip you didn't mean mom and you didn't mean her approval for anything any any of the stories you just told you didn't need her approval for any of that you wanted it no you didn't need it right yeah um

and you have to separate the fact that you want something versus need something yeah because what you need what you want from this woman is not anything that you need it's a it's a you know it's a perk And she operates from

a person who really wants control.

So the best thing you guys could do is not let her get to you.

Not let her get to you.

When she makes those rude remarks, you just ignore.

And you say, if anything, you're just like, that was you in the calmest possible way.

That was unhelpful.

and hurtful.

And I don't know why you say things like that, but you don't even like engage with it.

If you say anything, you say that.

And you just, you don't, you know what I'm saying?

You don't give her the attention.

And then you are going to have to accept the fact that your relationship with her is not where you want it to be.

You know, like, like you mentioned, you, you already tried distancing yourself.

Like, I, again, I don't think this requires some sort of like, all right, we're just going to ignore them for a month.

You know, we're going to avoid them.

You know, I just think you just have more of a casual relationship, you know?

Okay.

You can be busy, you know, you can decline their requests to come over or invite you over if that ever happens.

You can just be unavailable.

You don't have to say, we're not talking to you anymore.

And

if you want to be in our lives, then you need to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Like, she's not going to respond well to that.

You know,

what I'm saying is you have to get to a place where you almost make her come to you.

You and your partner go on with your life.

Focus on being a good co-focus on helping your partner raise his daughter at his comfort level and his, in the mom's comfort level, because like, obviously, you know, you want to be respectful of that dynamic because it is their daughter.

And like the fact, you know, it seems great that you are welcomed into that,

that kind of partnership that they have.

And I would just focus all your energy on protecting that.

And because like, again, mother-in-law is just not really relevant.

She's not needed.

She's not required.

She wants to be wanted.

And you responding the way you do is encouraging her to continue to do what she's doing.

Yeah.

And so you just have to accept that I can't change who she is.

I'm not a therapist.

I can't push her to treat her son differently and treat me differently.

All I know is that like, we honestly don't need anything from her.

And that's great that they were there for her, their son when he needed their help the most.

And if they want to throw that in his face, let them.

But like, he doesn't need them today, doesn't need their money.

He doesn't need their approval.

You know, he should, you should always be respectful.

You know, you should always lead with love.

You know, when they say hurtful things, I wouldn't fight fire with fire.

I would say that was, that, I'm hurt that you said that, but I forgive you, but like, that I'm not, I don't, you know, when they ask, well, why don't we see you guys anymore?

Well, you know, sometimes it's not always a pleasant, you know, interaction, you know?

But I think it comes down to you need to make her come to you too.

You guys need to stop stop going to her and asking what's wrong.

You've already tried that, and she's giving you nothing to work with because she's not interested in resolving the conflict.

That's honestly,

that's how I would approach it.

I don't, you know, and it's, it might be

certainly not a short-term resolution.

It's not like, hey, say this and everything's going to be fine, but

I can't control her, you know, but I think I feel very I feel pretty confident that you need to make her come to you.

And in the meantime, just don't think that's been the problem.

Don't do anything or say anything that just adds fuel to the fire.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think that's like what we're trying to do now is like very like when she does reach out for things, like if it's a question that needs an answer, like, yeah, I'll answer it.

But if it's just like simple things, like there's just no need to respond and no need to just, like you said, I think.

Before when she would say rude things, we were so quick to defend ourselves that it just just didn't help at all.

Yeah.

I mean, listen, like, she's not your mom.

It's his mom, right?

And so, you, in a weird way, not that like it's, I'm not saying like, you should be happy about this, but like in a weird way, it's almost a good thing that he's like not that close with his mom or needs to be that close with his mom.

So, like, you, I would just follow your fiancé's lead in terms of what he needs.

in terms of his relationship with his mom or his dad.

Gotcha.

But don't be the partner who dislikes the idea of being close with her mother-in-law so much so that you force the issue and just make it easier for her to be mean to you.

You know?

Yeah.

Because you want it so bad and she just doesn't want to give it to you because she doesn't have to, because like she just doesn't yet.

She doesn't have to.

And the truth is, she doesn't realize that she is not operating or negotiating from any position of power.

And you actually have more power than she does because you have a stronger relationship with her son and probably more access and a better relationship at least at this point with his daughter you know yeah and he your your partner his her dad is obviously in the best position to control his daughter's access to whoever he wants um and you are in the driver's seat there so you don't need to try to fix this you know, faster than she wants it to.

I understand that would be ideal.

I understand if you had it your way, you would like to to take the healthy approach and squash it, but you've tried that, it didn't work.

So I would just let her come to you because right now when you're coming to her, like you're in her world, it's like you're showing up on her home turf.

Now it's just more like,

hey, you want to play ball?

You want to, you know, then you need to show up and meet your terms.

And if she doesn't want, you don't need not even asking her.

It's like you need to wait for her to come to you.

And I don't even know if that's going to ever happen.

You know, this might be a stubborn old lady.

But

the more you don't need her and the more that you show that energy and you act unbothered, if there is ever a chance for this woman to like come around, humble herself and try to extend an olive branch to you and her son, that will be the reason why.

Gotcha.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I feel that's super helpful because I feel like through counseling, I've always been told, like, you know, try to speak your feelings to her, try and do this, try and do that, but it's like exhausting because nothing ever gets solved.

And I agree with whatever advice that you got from a therapist, but it sounds like you did that.

And I don't think writing 17 letters is the, you know, or making four different phone calls or, and just begging for this person's approval.

Yeah.

Her response to what you said was dismissive and downplayed it.

And again, told me that you're dealing with someone who doesn't like, isn't like, yeah, you're right.

I honestly, I hate that we're fighting.

You didn't get that energy.

You just got the, you were rude to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Again, she wants to operate from a position of power and she doesn't have any.

So

you have to very softly and and very casually show her how much power she doesn't have yeah i think it's gonna be hard but that's definitely helpful 100

you can totally do it yeah but like what what what will be hard about it i think just because

she

is in our lives so much and like especially with like wedding planning coming up, she is trying to be involved, but she just hasn't been a very positive influence.

So like me and my fiancé have been like, hey, listen, we're just not taking families.

No, she's not contributing anything.

My parents are doing everything.

There you go.

Even better.

Yeah.

So again, you know, like, I just wouldn't include her.

And then if she wants to ask why she's not involved, you can tell her why.

Yeah.

Calmly, just be like, I, you know, you were, you're not nice to me.

And anytime I've tried to make mend our relationship, you've been uninterested in doing doing that.

But she, you got to make her ask

and not in a mean way.

She needs to come to you and say in a, in a very similar energy, the way you came to her.

And until she does that, I wouldn't give her anything to work with.

Yeah.

Unless, unless your fiancé like comes to you and says, hey, I just, I really, you know, like this disconnect with me and mom, it's too much.

I, I, you know, like follow his lead.

It's his relationship, you know, like, you know, I like having a relationship with my mother-in-law, but at the end of the day, I follow my wife's lead when it comes to, and like they have a good relationship, but I'm going to follow her lead when it comes to the type of relationship that we want to have with her.

I don't like, you know, I don't go to Natalie and be like, regardless of what you and your mom might be going through and like that or not, not that they're going through anything, but you know what I'm saying?

I'm not like, well, I just, I always want to have a positive relationship with everyone.

Oh, I'm, you know, like, this is not your job to people, please, or whatever.

And like, you know, follow his lead, but you get what I'm saying.

Yeah.

I think I need to practice that a little bit better because I just kind of want like, we have great relationships with everybody else in the family, but then yeah, you got to let that go.

You're this, this idea in your head that you just have, you're obsessed over, like I get along with everyone else.

Like this is like your need to be liked by people.

And the fact that your mother-in-law or future mother-in-law doesn't like you or you feel like she doesn't like you, it just bugs you.

And that's an ego thing.

And that's something you like that you need to let it go.

You know?

Okay.

You need to have the confidence to say, I did my part.

And if, you know, that's the part that like you're not accepting.

And like, that's the ego part because it's not like you did nothing.

It's not like you ignored it.

You didn't say, well, you didn't say, fuck this bitch.

If she's going to treat me this way, I'm going to treat her like that.

It's not what you did.

Yeah.

You did everything you could.

But now that you've done everything you can, you need to accept the reality of the situation and then do everything I just said, right?

You're not accepting that.

You're stubbornly saying, no, people like me and I can get along with anyone.

And I'm not going to have the one person who doesn't like me in this family be my mother-in-law.

So I need to fix this.

Yeah, that's very spot on.

So let go of that mentality.

Pat yourself on the back and said, I did what I can.

I need to let it go.

Right now I'm going to focus my energy on my partner, baby mama, and the child

and your wedding.

Yeah.

And,

you know, keep the peace.

And if she wants to be involved in your guys' life, she has to play by your roles, not the other way around.

I like that.

I will definitely try with all that, especially with the ego thing.

I don't think anyone's ever pointed that out before.

So it's definitely, it hurts, but I mean, it needs to be said kind of thing.

It's normal.

Listen, there's not a

worse things to be than the person who wants to get along with people.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

But you just need to accept.

So, yeah, you're like, the good news is there are far other worse situations in terms of muller laws.

And there's a lot of things that you have going for you.

So

you need to let things play out.

Okay.

Okay.

I can definitely do that.

All right.

Take care.

All right.

Thank you.

Bye.

This show is brought to you by Better Help.

Men today face immense pressure to perform, to provide, to keep it all together.

So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S.

suffer from depression every year and it's often undiagnosed.

So whether it's the men in your life, if you're a guy listening to the show, or, you know, listen, it's therapy and it's helpful.

Like, you know, sometimes I feel like we put too much pressure on therapy.

It's like you don't have to have a crisis to benefit from therapy.

It's just good to like just let it out, you know, talk it out, get it off your chest.

Don't exhaust your friends with your problems.

Spend your time hanging out with your friends about like talking about fun stuff and when it comes to like the things that you need to work through you need to process you need to unload that's why you pay the healthcare professionals with over 35 000 therapists better help is the world's largest online therapy platform having served over 5 million people globally and we certainly know that therapy can be intimidating costly and inconvenient but with better help they help alleviate all those pain points it's more affordable than in-person therapy you can do it from anywhere you want all you have to do is have a connection your phone your tablet everyone is connected online and if you have that you can do therapy Plus, obviously, we know how difficult it could be to connect with a therapist or find a therapist.

We don't want to ask our friends, and not all therapists are created equal, and not all therapists you're going to vibe with.

But with BetterHelp, with them working with over 35,000 different therapists, it's easy to connect with a therapist that's right for you.

You can switch therapists every single time for free, no charge, until you land with someone that you feel you're going to benefit from.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Talk it out with BetterHelp.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

That is BetterHelp, H-A-L P.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

Article!

Article makes it effortless to create a stylish, long-lasting home at an unbeatable price.

We have been an article partner for a long time now.

The reason being is they are awesome.

They're crushing life.

I've been an article customer for five years now.

And every home that I've owned, I've always had some kind of article furniture.

I've owned couches.

I've owned outdoor furniture.

I've gotten stuff for my office at Article.

Article offers a curated range of mid-century modern coastal and scandy-inspired pieces that not only shine on their own, but also pair seamlessly with nearly any other article product.

This thoughtful design approach makes it incredibly easy to mix and match, helping you create a space that feels cohesive and stylish.

Article takes great care in curating its collection, focusing solely on high-quality, meaningful pieces that will stand the test of time.

Every item is chosen for its craftsmanship, design, and lasting value.

You can immediately tell the difference in quality when you receive an article piece.

Pieces come mostly assembled.

Craftsmanship is unbeatable, sturdy, hardware.

Article also has great customer service.

If by some miracle you're not obsessed with the article furniture, their customer service team makes the exchange and return process incredibly seamless and easy.

And the best part about Article is their inventory is inventorying.

They have most of their items in stock.

You don't have to wait months, weeks.

Oh, God, it's so worth it.

It's the worst when you're buying furniture.

And they're like, all right, well, that'll be available six months from now.

Yuck.

We hate that.

Not with Article.

Most of their items are ready to to be shipped.

Article customer care team is available seven days a week.

You always hate it when you need to have a promise, always on a Sunday.

And

they're not available.

Not with Article.

With Article's 30-day satisfaction guarantee, you can shop with confidence, knowing that if you're not completely in love with your new furniture, you can easily return it.

It's this peace of mind, ensures you can invest your home without hesitation.

Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more to claim.

Visit article.com/slash V-I-A-L-L, and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.

That's article.com/slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more.

ButcherBox.

If you're serious about feeling your body with the best, look no further.

ButcherBox has clean, high-quality protein without the junk.

Whether you're lifting heavy weights or lifting laundry baskets, ButcherBox helps you stay on track.

As someone, you know, the lake house, you guys know how much I plan on spending time at the lake house.

Once the remodeling is done, and yeah, it's kind of like what I love about it.

It's in the middle of the nowhere.

But if it's going to be in the middle of nowhere, you need to find places, high-quality things.

And I'm a big meat eater, so it's great to know that I have ButcherBox at my side to ship in some of the high-quality meats I want to feed me and my family.

ButcherBox delivers better meat and seafood straight to your door, including 100% grass-fed beef, free-range organic chicken, pork-raised crate-free, and wild-caught seafood.

All butcher box proteins are sourced from partners who meet strict animal welfare and sustainability standards.

That means no antibiotics or added hormones ever.

Whether you're feeding a growing family or trying to eat clean without the stress, ButcherBox offers curated or fully customizable plans that fit your schedule and preferences.

As a certified B Corp, ButcherBox is committed to high standards, from how the animals are raised to how their team supports workers and reduces environmental impact.

Plus, every box ships free, always, and includes member-only perks like recipe inspiration tips, exclusive deals to help you make the most of every meal right now butcher box is offering our listeners 20 off their first box and free protein for a year go to butcherbox.com slash vial to get this limited time offer and free shipping always that's butcherbox.com slash vial don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you

How's it going?

Hello, my name is Claire.

I am 29 years old and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a crush on my husband's friend.

You have a crush on your husband's friend.

So it seems.

Okay.

All right.

Just wanted to make sure.

Oh, tell me about this crush.

It's strange.

I've known this person for like 10 years, a little over a decade, never felt anything literally up until like a year ago.

Okay.

And the reason I say I'm not, I guess, positive.

of if it is a crush is because i like i feel like it might be from like issues between me and my husband and like the intimacy.

Cause it's like, it only comes up when we're not intimate for like a while.

And then I start having like, I guess, fantasies, sort of.

Okay.

Let's start by what, what is the thing that is drawing you to this person?

I don't know.

I guess just like closeness, like we're friends almost like.

Well, I don't want to say like family because that feels weird, but like, like we're very good friends.

And he's just always very nice and compliments me.

You know, like if we go out as a group, like he'll say, oh, you look nice, like things like that.

I guess I don't know.

So, yeah, I mean, when you first like said, Hey, I, I have a crush on my, my husband's friend, you know, the first thought that comes to mind is, yeah, like maybe it's not, especially when you said, I've known this person for 10 years, like maybe it's like not a crush on him, but maybe it's like something he's giving you that you're not receiving, you know, in the relationship, right?

But to be clear, you haven't done anything with this person

at this point, physically, correct?

Oh, no, no.

Okay.

So, I guess, Mike, you know, it makes sense that you're feeling disconnected from your husband, especially in the physical intimacy department.

Okay, that's normal for relationships, but why specifically his friend is the one?

That's the part I'm trying to figure out because, like, you could be fantasizing, you could have a crush on a million different people out there, you know, but why, why specifically the friend that is driving you to fantasize about him when you're feeling disconnected from your husband that's a good question i guess that's kind of what i'm trying to figure out i don't know if it's just because like they're very similar people okay so like i don't know or if it's just that it's like the next closest i guess male to me okay all right are you like physically attracted to him like kind of

like not it wouldn't be like the first i mean like i knew him for a long time and i never was like you know so he's like an all right looking guy you know but yeah it's not like he walked in the room and you first saw him and you're just like oh my god he's just my type your friend's my type yeah okay does anyone know about this two of my most closest friends what do they say um well the one said that he has uh riz

and that's why i i guess like just the vibes and then the other one was just showing i guess more concern for like my relationship with my husband tell me about your relationship with your husband.

Like, what's, I mean, you mentioned, obviously, there are times where you're feeling disconnected from physical intimacy, but like, how big is this disconnect between you and your husband?

It's strange because it's like that's the only part where we're disconnected.

Like, I mean, like, he's my literal best friend.

We do everything together.

But I feel like when it comes to like the past year or so, when it comes to having sex or even like the less physical intimacy, like, I don't know, even just like those conversations that I feel feel like most normal couples have.

I feel like that's where it kind of falls apart.

And I don't know, I guess, what like the change was.

So like right now, you don't even feel like you're able to talk to your husband about your sex life?

Like I can talk to him, but it's always like a short, kind of quick response.

And there seems to be like a lot of discomfort around it.

How do you approach that conversation?

Well, really awkwardly for a long time.

And like, I used to tend to like turn it into a joke because I get uncomfortable and then I just start, I guess, giggling and speaking very clearly uncomfortably.

But I've been learning like from, I have a therapist and we've talked about that.

And so I've been trying to just be more direct, like and just say exactly what I'm feeling.

But I feel like it comes out kind of like how I'm talking now.

Like it's always like I'm very nervous.

I don't know if that like makes him more nervous or if it distracts him.

I don't think your nerves make him more nervous, but I think your awkwardness might make an awkward

situation stay awkward, I suppose, right?

But it's also probably already awkward for him.

And I'm guessing like when you ask it, are you asking like, why are don't we have more physical intimacy or why don't we have more sex?

Or are you.

How do you approach that conversation?

So I've, I have asked that before, but I've also asked like for more affirmation because I like that's something that's missing too.

So I've said like, like, do you still, like, are you still attracted to me?

Do you still like want to do that stuff?

Or is there something like that has changed?

But I mean, like, the answer is always like, no, I love you.

You're, you know, like all those things.

I just don't necessarily know if that's true.

Have you said that part, last part to him?

I have.

Okay.

So you've basically, you've, you have communicated to him, like, regardless of what his answer is, you feel like he may not be attracted as much as attracted to you as he used to be or you feel like he is less interested in having sex with you yeah and what did he say it was kind of like apologizing and then um just saying like that's not it and then i know we've explored some other things because i mean he's got a very stressful job so he's like anxious and all that stuff too so i think he's trying to get a handle on that stuff so like right now that's kind of like what we're more focused on i guess But it does feel like then this

intimacy stuff has, you know, fallen to the side.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

I mean, it, I mean, there's a time, you know, listen, like every marriage relationship has ups and downs, and you kind of always have to play the long game, but you know, and it's like he's busy, he's got a job, and whatever, he's anxious.

And on the short term, I guess that maybe for a time being, you know, like maybe you go through like a so slow period of intimacy, but like, sounds like this has been going on for the better part of a year or two, and it's less of a slow period and more of like a new normal.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I guess like crush on the friend aside, that's not like really the problem, right?

The problem is obviously your connection with your husband, you know.

This is like this, I don't know, you find his Riz or whatever attractive.

I don't know.

I wouldn't tell anyone else that you have a crush on your husband's friend for fear of getting out.

You haven't acted on it.

You haven't done anything with it.

I think it's just something that's maybe in your head.

Because it sounds like you're trying to figure out answers on your own without the benefit of having a partner to figure out these answers with.

Yeah, I yeah, I guess that that sounds kind of right, you know, and I guess that that is definitely a choice that your husband's making.

And I think that's the biggest disconnect right now is making him

understand that you feel this way.

And while you're not, you're not blaming him, you know, you're not even accusing him of anything, you're not even asking for answers, but you want him to know how you feel and how some of his actions, intentional or not, make you feel.

And then you want him to care.

And then along with you, you know, figure out how you too can bridge whatever gaps there are so that, you know, I don't know what he feels in this relationship, but I'm sure he has feelings too, but specifically to yours, so that you can stop feeling this way.

Because like, regardless of whether you have a crush on his friend or not, you constantly feeling this way for the better part of a year or year and a half is not sustainable.

It's just not.

So like, that's your, that's your big problem and figuring out how to resolve that, you know, because you're not like, it's not like you're like, I'm in love with my husband's best friend and I don't know what to do.

You're like, I think I have a crust because I guess I fantasize about, like, it just popped in my head.

And I don't know, I'm just like, I just, I want to feel, I want to feel some validation, some love.

I want to feel like, you know, it sounds like he's not giving you attention.

And again, like, I've been busy before too.

You know, it's not, I'm not justifying your thoughts and feelings or anything like that.

But again, like every relationship gets busy.

Every couple feels disconnected.

Every person in a relationship can get caught up with all the other things going on in their life that they kind of take their partner for granted.

Everyone's done that, right?

The difference between people who are.

more successful in relationships than the ones that are not is that with when presented with with the problem, they care.

They, they address, they'd be like, oh, well, this needs my attention, you know, and I need to make sure that this, you know, is resolved.

And that's the part where your husband seems to be falling short.

Yeah.

Have you presented, you said you have a therapist.

Have you presented couples therapy?

We do that.

You do do that.

What do you guys talk about in couples therapy?

I mean, it's like, it's this every time.

And I think that's also part of the problem.

You talk about this topic every time?

Most of the time.

What is being said in couples therapy?

I don't know.

Just that like we need to like communicate better.

And like that was part of like the, like what I was working on with my communication anyways.

And that like we need to do more stuff together.

In all the therapy that you and your husband have done together, has he

said some version of, I don't like that my wife feels this way.

And I want us to fix it.

And I, I need to, I need to do my part.

I, I mean, definitely like the first part, like he, he has said he doesn't like that I feel this way and that that sucks.

But I guess the second part, not so much.

Yeah, because right now it sounds like what he's saying is, I don't like my wife, my wife feels this way.

That sucks.

But like I'm busy and I got a lot of shit going on and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it because like I can't change how she feels, but like I'm just telling her I'm still as attracted to her as I was before.

And like, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.

Yeah.

So has your therapist pointed that out?

Not necessarily.

I mean,

she's kind of gone like on, not like that we're on ends or anything, but like, there have been some times where she's like, hey, you know, he probably feels like you're nagging a little bit.

Maybe we should stop talking about this every freaking time.

And then there have been times when it's like, hey, dude, like you have to do this, this, and this to, you know, get it together so this can last.

And how infrequently are you guys having sex?

Well, for a while, it was like once a month maybe um but now it's like every week and a half-ish

how long you guys been married for two years how long you've been together like those 10 oh like 10 yeah okay a while yeah

every week and a half's not the worst no

man i feel like i'm not being helpful here like if you're if your husband was on the phone like if we like if, if he was like there, like, what would he say about all this?

What do you think?

I mean, forget about the friend part.

Yeah.

Um, I mean, I honestly feel like he would say he has no idea what I'm talking about and that he doesn't think there's anything wrong.

Okay.

So, okay, let me ask you this.

Like, other than the actual act of sex, what are some things that you feel like your husband could do to make you feel better than you do now?

I mean, those the words of affirmation would be helpful because because I think that's like, like, I'm not getting either the physical intimacy or like the, like, I haven't been called beautiful in a long time or like sexy or any of those things.

So I just don't feel like, I guess that's why I don't think like he's attracted to me because like, I mean, he never says it.

Yeah.

And it makes sense why like every time his friend walks in, he's like, hey, beautiful.

How you doing?

And you're like, really?

Me?

Yeah.

Do you think he thinks you're exaggerating?

Probably.

Yeah.

If I, if he were to hear you say, like, I, you know, he's never, he never calls me sexy anymore or he doesn't call me beautiful.

I don't remember the last time I heard beautiful.

Like, do you think he would be like, that's not true?

Like, if I can, like, I feel like he would say that, but I don't, like, I don't know that he would even know like how often he says it.

Like, what was the last time he like sent you flowers or something?

Well, uh, about a month ago, he like paid for me to get like a massage.

Okay.

Do you like gifts?

um not really to be honest okay yeah so not your love language that you needed you know no but i think it's his like giving one sure i mean that that happens all the time in relationships i mean like nali and i could still like i think every couple could be better at that like we're still not great at that like i think every person struggles because like I think we don't realize how much like the love language that we we feel the most loved is the ones we like to also do love, you know, like show love rather, like acts of service being my biggest one.

Like, that's how I show love, you know, so I want to show love that way, you know, but it's not how Natalie often likes to receive love, you know, it's like that doesn't come naturally to her.

So, I just, you know, it's like, it's tough because you like, that's how I show love.

I think every couple could work on that.

But what you just seem to like, at least what you're communicating is like this stubbornness from your husband to really like not try.

When he does try, he just like, he does things that like aren't really thinking about about what he that that would make you happy yeah does he even like when you are going into therapy does he are there like short are there brief moments of improvement at least or is at this point is he just like you he feels like you're nagging and and just kind of dismisses you i guess both like i i feel like i'm nagging just because it's like i said like every time it's the same thing that we're talking about and it's always like me starting the conversation but like there's been a lot of growths like since we started it's just it's so slow and like the parts that are growing are like the smaller parts that i guess are easier to fix like doing more stuff together like okay we can go for a walk or like i guess just easier things to solve than like the problems we're talking about now yeah but i mean So like quality time, not also a love language of yours.

Not necessarily.

Yeah, not as as much as the other ones.

Like, that's kind of, that's kind of the point of love language is like, you know, like, sure, I like walks with my, my husband, but like, that's not how I feel the most loved.

You know, you need words of affirmation.

You need physical touch.

It sounds like those are your two big ones.

And he needs to recognize that while they may not be his, he needs to like, on a regular basis, go out of his way to make sure that he is showing his wife love in the way that she receives it most.

And if he doesn't, then he's running the risk of her not feeling your love.

And then whether you look for it or not, you, you find yourself, you know, wanting that from that, that connection.

I, you know, like, definitely don't even bring up the front.

I, you know, I don't know how productive, you know,

it would come in the form of a threat to just be like, I, you know, I am getting frustrated.

I keep talking about it, but like, it, nothing changes.

Yeah.

Well, and I've said that.

And have you had the love language conversation?

Yeah.

But it was kind of just like, this is what I am.

This is what I am.

And then I guess that was it.

So it wasn't really like, well, what can I do to, you know, help?

And that's, I mean, that's the kind of your, your guys' biggest problem, right?

Like, I, when it comes to gifts, I, I hate gifts.

I don't like, I hate it's an exaggeration, but I don't feel much love receiving gifts.

And

giving gifts, it's kind of like, I guess, I don't know, but my wife really does.

She loves giving gifts.

She loves receiving gifts.

You know, it really does make her, it's a love language of hers.

You know, I can't just be like, no,

you know, I can't.

I mean, I could, but again, I would get the same result that you're getting right, you know, that you're feeling right now.

And that's the part where your husband, he's taking the time to go to therapy.

He's spending the money.

He's willing to listen to you.

Why is he so unwilling?

to just try.

And you know what's the thing is here's maybe some advice.

I don't know.

I'm just spitballing here because I'm I'm grasping at straws trying to be helpful here because like you're doing a lot of the things and I don't have them here, so I don't really, I can only guess.

But listen, it's always a lot of pressure, especially for men, when they feel like their partner is unsatisfied with the sex life, right?

And I don't doubt that your husband is stressed at work, has a lot going on, you know, and stress.

for all people, but especially men, like really crushes a sex drive.

I can relate to that.

And it's a real thing and it has nothing to do with what he thinks about you or how attracted he is is or isn't with you.

But to your point, if I were you, I would focus less on the physical touch aspect or at least the sex part and focus more on the words of affirmation and focus your conversations around physical touch, not about sex, but like, I mean, when you're on a walk, are you guys holding hands?

You are?

Okay.

What does that do for you?

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

Well, I I mean, I love that.

Are you holding his hand or is he grabbing your hand?

I would, I usually grab it.

Okay.

So, you know, that's what you need from him, right?

You need him to reach out to your hand, pull you in, put his arm around your shoulder, offer a massage, cuddle with you, you know, like.

just say, come here, babe, and wrap his arms around you and just say how beautiful you are.

This is basic, easy shit.

And listen, as a busy guy who is always, I have a lot of anxiety and have a lot going on.

I'm like, hey, I need, you know, I have to remind myself.

It's like, I know my wife's beautiful.

I think my wife's beautiful.

But like, yeah, when you're in a relationship for a long time, you've been in a relationship with this guy for 10 years, you take it for granted.

You, you just, it feels almost like, I have to say it again because I say it all the time, you know, and it's just like, but yeah, you do.

You do have to say it all the time.

You do have to go out of your way to constantly say it and remind it.

And he, and that's the part he is stubbornly not wanting to accept.

But if I were, you know, I wonder, if anything, the convert, you're focusing too much on sex and that is making him very defensive.

I don't know.

Like, maybe I've asked all the other stuff.

Like, have you, the conversations about like holding your hand and reaching out and the caught, like, have you focused on that?

Or is it a lot of, we're just not having sex enough?

It's, it's a lot of the sex.

Yeah.

So try that.

And maybe that'll feel like a new conversation.

And maybe the next time you guys go to couples therapy, it's just like, I, you know, I was thinking about this and I don't want to like, you know, I know that like, obviously we come here and it feels like we're having the same conversation.

And like no one gets more frustrated about that than I do.

I know that's hard to believe because I feel like my husband going, oh, here we go again.

And even my therapist is like, oh, here, here we go again.

But like, it's not like, I think I'm focusing too much on the sex aspect of this.

I'm like, again, like, that's, I'm not that I'm any less interested in that, but like, I think you should focus your conversation back to love languages and just just talk about how like what you need to feel loved, you know, and I hope we have a therapist that understands that.

And, you know, because like love languages is not some, like, it's not some bullshit thing that you find in like glamour magazine, you know, that's like, what's your love language?

You know what I'm saying?

It's like, it's a, it's a real thing that really articulates how us humans show and receive love.

It really seems to be those, I think, five things.

And we all seem to fall into these buckets.

And the people who understand love language is really like all like, yeah, they know physical touch, words of affirmation.

That's me.

And we, we're stronger in some areas and weaker in others.

And we are all dating people with different ones.

You know, it's not that complicated.

It's super easy to understand.

But like, he, he needs to understand it.

And I really think maybe it's the sex part because it's just, it's, it's very easy for men to shut down when they feel like they're being questioned about their sexual capabilities in bed, you know?

And how old's your old your husband?

30.

30?

Okay, not that old.

But even 30-year-old men, you know, it's like they're not 22 anymore.

You know, they're not just like walking around with raging hard-ons, like, just like, you know, they're just more like, yeah, I guess

just like, you know, I think it's always been the case for women, like sex can be work.

It's like, you know, I got to clean up and get dressed and all the whole production around it, you know?

As men get older, they, they, they relate to that a little bit better than they did before when they were just horny freaks, but they still are very, you know, very very sensitive about their their sexual prowess being questioned

and i i think maybe you're just getting a very defensive partner and he is feeling like not enough every time you question how much he has sex with you or doesn't have sex with you so i would try to focus that conversation more on love languages more on physical touch more on words of affirmation because like especially the words of affirmation it's like bro just fucking bullshit it say it motherfucker you know just say it yeah you know is it that hard you know and if like if it is that hard then you really must not think it right like and i'm assuming even in the past you know like you're dressed casually like i am today but i'm sure there's times where you dress up and go out and you're expecting and hoping for a compliment from your husband you put a little effort you know you would love to love for him to see that right

and i think that's okay have you pointed that out i have

What does he say to that?

It's just like the, well, I do think it.

Like after I say that, I'm like, but you don't say it.

He's not giving you anything to work with.

He just can't keep saying, well, I'm sorry.

And I just, it just doesn't come naturally to me.

It's like, no shit.

We know.

We know.

That's kind of the point.

You know, like it makes it a little bit more meaningful knowing that it's not a strength of his and know that he's still willing to do it.

Cause then you know that he's willing to do it for you, but he's not willing to do it for you.

The friend stuff, I really think it is just a product of you really feeling like you're at a loss.

You're really feeling this disconnect with your husband in these areas.

And he is giving you the very thing that you've begged, you're literally begging your husband to give you, you know?

So I don't think you really have a crush on this guy.

I think you just, I mean, I don't know, you tell me, but like, I just think you really like the way he shows you the affection he does because it's exactly what you've been looking for from your husband.

All the more reason why I think it's less about the sex and more about all this other stuff that is a lot easier and simple and does, you know, and has nothing to do with anxiety or how busy he is or things like that.

Your husband can be at work.

He can be busy and he can take two fucking seconds out of his day and text his wife and been like thinking about you.

I'm so lucky to have you.

You're so beautiful.

Can't wait to come home and I'll give you a hug.

And then when he comes home, takes six more seconds to say, I'm going to hug my wife and really embrace her and say, it's great to see you beautiful like not hard you know and i'm not saying i walk home and do that every day but like i you know it's like especially if i get like a reminder from my wife if she says hey you know like feeling this a little bit it's like yeah you know because we all slack off from time to time as we all get caught up in our bullshit and in our world like we're all per you know like it's like no one's all walking around like some like yeah i'm just the best partner ever i'm casanoa i never forget that stuff but you're just begging here and he's he's giving you nothing yeah

is this do i at least sound like i'm i understand what you're going through yeah and i mean like that that does make sense because i feel like like i don't i guess i didn't want to say like crush but i mean it does feel like there's a piece that like he's feeling almost that like whenever i see him so yeah i don't i guess i don't think anymore about the crush i mean listen it makes sense if if you're literally getting dolled up right you get you know you're going out with a group of friends right you get dressed up you're gonna get to the point where you're like you're literally gonna realize you're dressing up for this guy, not because you want to, because you're like, this is the only guy in this group who actually is paying attention to the effort I made today.

And I, like, I honestly wonder if my husband even noticed what color of dress I'm wearing.

Yeah.

So, you know, like, yeah, I know, like, obviously you can't like say that to your husband.

It's like, hey, by the way, you know.

But yeah, I mean, there's an e, there's a way for your, your couples therapist to help him understand what you're going through.

I would be frustrated.

I would sharing your frustration and I wish, I wish your husband was here because I could be like, do you understand what she's saying?

Yeah.

Because the sex part, that gets, again, it gets complicated.

It's like sensitive.

And he's going to be like, well, we have sex every week and a half.

And like, honestly, if everything else was great, like a week and a half wouldn't be like a crime.

You know, I'm not saying I would like nominate you guys for the best sex life of any couple, but I'm just saying like, you could do far worse than every week and a half, but it's the other stuff that you're not getting rarely, if ever, and you are getting it from someone else, and it's fucking up your brain, and it's messing with your emotions, and that sucks.

And yeah, everyone has a breaking point.

So I don't think you should drop it.

I think it's more about retrying to frame how you approach it.

And I think trying to get away from the sex part and focus on words of affirmation and physical touch in general.

And he needs to understand that he needs to reach out and make the initiative and put in the effort and

make his wife feel seen by his husband in ways that he is simply not.

And it's just not good enough right now.

And he needs to accept that.

Yeah.

What are you thinking right now?

It's just a lot.

And like, I, I know, like, I, everything you're saying, like, I feel, it makes a lot of sense, like to focus on not the sex parts.

I guess I just, I don't know why I was so focused on that.

I guess I thought that was the easier part to handle,

but I haven't even tried to have those conversations really yet because I've been so focused on okay.

Well, that's at least there's some, okay, that's I feel a little bit better about that because now at least we have something to work with, you know?

Yeah, men are very sensitive when it comes to sex, very like incredibly.

I think, you know, part of it is I think, you know, society in general, like, you know, oversimplifies like sex for men.

And I think when we're really young and we're like 18, 19 years old, a lot of those stereotypes are incredibly true in terms of like just horny guys who just like kind of want to have sex with anything.

And as we get older and life happens and we're stressed and, you know, yeah, like, I mean, men are more visually stimulated.

I'm not saying you should do this because I think your, your husband has a lot of work to do before you deserve something like this.

But like in the act of sex, visually stimulating him goes a long way.

You know, I think that I think when it comes to couples, I think a lot of women like will fantasize about their husband like coming home from work and just like throwing him up against the wall and making the initiative and just like grab it him and just like

and i think a lot of men are like maybe having a similar fantasy but their wife's like wearing a sexy lingerie and then he she's been sending him nudes all day and he's he's coming home to this like woman naked woman laying you know only wearing his tie in a bed or some you know shit like that you know what i'm saying and like the disconnect is like you know we both have these very specific things and you know what i'm saying And we're kind of always waiting on the other person to do it, you know?

And I think honestly, when it comes to like the physical act of sex, that's where I think like when it comes to couples who've been together for a long time, sometimes you just need to sit down and kind of have an openness on a conversation about the other person likes, you know, just like, I, to be honest, yeah, like, I like this.

You know, when you meet early on, you know, it's, I think it's easier to be kind of wild freaks or whatever.

You're just like, you're all horned up and you're just like, it's always, it's always about like, as soon as you see each other, you, you hook up and you know like sex is just so easy early on or the physical act and then you know you get used to each other and so like yeah like it requires two people differently and at different times for different reasons to like make sure that that part happens and that it's still fun and that does require both of you but the other stuff yeah i think I think the other stuff, you can be more like, like, this is bare minimum shit.

And this is what I really need.

And honestly, this would go a long way.

you don't have to bring up you have a crunch on his friend maybe in therapy I would say like listen there are times where I get ready and I get dressed up and I all I want is a compliment all I want is my my husband to look at me and and and tell me I look beautiful and how nice I look and it feels like it never happens and then I sometimes get it from his friend or other people And like, that's the new, that's my new norm.

And I want it from my husband, you know, and I want to feel seen by my husband.

Is it that hard for him to

send me a text the other day?

You know, like, I want to hear it.

I need to hear it.

And I want him to like hold my hand.

I'm always holding his hand.

I want him to want to cuddle with me.

I want him to grab me.

I want him to like offer me, you know, I want him to touch me more, you know, and I'm not talking about sex.

I'm just talking about that.

You know, and I think you can be a little bit more demanding and a little more direct about that stuff because sex is a little nuanced.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm guessing he just shuts down when you bring up the sex part.

Yeah, every time.

Yeah.

That's probably why because he's a little defensive.

He doesn't know what else he can do.

He's like, I'm having sex with my wife.

I don't know.

Like, he probably feels like you're the way you're talking about him, that he's like almost a psychos object.

He's like, I have to go to work and then I have to come home and have sex with my wife.

The good news is you're not alone.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, this is, I think, very common.

And I really, it's just, maybe you guys need a new couples therapist.

I don't know.

I'm just,

I think the fact that you are going and you've been going so much and you've been talking about this one topic with no progress, something needs to change.

And if you're going and paying money for someone to guys help you through this and getting nowhere, maybe it's just worth trying someone else.

But I do think you can maybe have this conversation with your husband without a therapist and maybe to say, I'm sorry if I've made most of these conversations about sex.

Maybe I'm not communicating myself effectively.

But it really is just like i just don't feel your love because like a lot of times you seem to either show it in ways that like i you know again we have different love languages like it's not your fault it's not my fault but like i want to feel more complimented by you and i want to be held by you and i want you to just like show more affection in the way that i need that affection and let's just you can forget for i don't you know and i'm not talking about sex and i'm sorry for making this all about sex maybe there will be some progress there yeah i can definitely try that all right was this at all helpful i don't know it really was and i feel like i just needed like a different perspective other than my two friends yeah

um and your couples therapist and yes and the the therapist

yeah i don't know you know i don't know how long has your therapist been a therapist how long have they been a therapist yeah like how old how old your therapist she's older i mean like 50s, 60s.

Okay, so she's not, you know, I don't know.

Cause like life experience is helpful, you know, in the business of advice, it's not the end-all-be-all, but it is

helpful.

Yeah, maybe it's just not resonating, you know, maybe it's just a bad match.

I don't know, but you guys should be making a little bit more progress than you are in this department because I don't think this is an insolvable problem.

It does seem like there's still a lot of love there between you and your husband.

This isn't like a completely broken relationship.

The fact that you guys are going consistently and still going to couples therapy and you're even still able to have this conversation is a, is a great thing.

He still cares.

You know what I'm saying?

He still cares, but it's just, you're, you're, I don't know, you haven't gotten through to him.

So try that.

Less about the sex.

Yeah.

Okay.

I can do that.

Yeah.

Because again, think about it.

Think about, again, how this conversation started about this, like, do I have a crush on my friend, my, my husband's friend?

Well, you haven't had sex with the friend, but what he is giving you, you know, we've identified the things he's giving you that make you feel that love, that make you feel that affection, you know, and that is how you receive love.

and this this guy is doing truly the bare minimum because he doesn't even realize he's doing it he's just like being nice and showing his riz and and and you're starving for it so much that you're just like oh

wow baby i love him you know like that but like to put that in perspective like that's how bad it's gotten but the good news is it's not broken your relationship isn't lost you just have to get through to him about this disconnect without making it about sex

you know you know you want to feel sexy.

You want to feel love.

You want to feel beautiful.

You're too young.

You have too much going for you for you to feel like it's time to get old, ugly, and die, right?

Yeah.

So

I hope that he's willing to understand that.

I hope so too.

All right.

Keep me posted.

I'd love an update, but yeah.

I'm rooting for you guys.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, thank you so much.

All right.

Take care.

Thank you.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I chose Function Health because it is the best in the world for testing.

And it's an all-in-one health platform with over 100 advanced lab tests covering your entire body, five times more than the average physical comprehensive and focused on critical biomarkers.

It offers testing twice a year, available across the U.S.

and super easy to use.

It's recommended by Dr.

Mark Hyman, Dr.

Andrew Huberman, and Dr.

Casey Means, and hundreds of health.

experts.

Kicking off the summer, function is sharing their long-live campaign.

Long live is a celebration of everyday moments that make life worth staying healthy for.

For me, I long live my mornings with River and I hope they never end.

Function Health is all about taking control of your health through data instead of guessing what's happening inside your body.

Function Health helps you know for sure, providing access to 100 plus advanced lab tests.

These tests include insights into thyroids, function, hormones, liver health, heart health, immunity, autoimmunity, kidney function, nutrient levels, heavy metal toxicity, immune system, electrolytes, and more.

At $499 annually, the membership includes the cost of 100-plus lab tests through their nationwide lab partner.

There are over 2,000 locations nationwide, making it accessible to a wider audience and compared to a traditional healthcare cost that could reach up to $15,000 for these exact tests.

In the spirit of long live and taking control of your health, get a $100 credit towards your annual membership at functionhealth.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

This $100 credit is only for the first thousand listeners, so hurry.

Sign up fast at functionhealth.com slash vial

actually i crush father's day gifting are you are do you know what your father's day gift is this year i don't know you ask me every day i know well if you don't know what to get the daddies in your life you've got to head over to quince quince has everything you could ever want to give the husband the father the partner the whoever in your life

down the hall the the landlord yeah the the weird janitor who like likes to give you yeah you can you can give all of them quince because quince has all the pieces that dads actually want to wear like organic cotton silk polos european linen beach sorts and comfortable pants that work for everything from weekend hangouts to nice dinners the best part everything with quince is priced 50 to 80 percent less than what you'd find at similar brands also ladies while you're shopping for the man get yourself something nice too because natal has some great pieces from quince every time she puts on quince i'm always like you just look so great today it's really lovely to see you and since summer is around the corner i know you a lot it's wet also wedding season a lot lot of events, cocktail parties.

Their 100%

European linen blazer is incredible.

It looks great.

You can pair it with jeans.

You can pair it with linen pants.

It's an absolute great blazer.

It breathes easy.

It looks great.

It's form fitting.

Your man will love it.

Check it out.

Honestly, it's so relieving to invest in staple, good quality pieces and like stop, stop with the fast fashion.

And Quince is the best place to do that, but also for the men in your life.

So for the dads who deserve better than basic, Quince has you covered.

Go to quince.com slash V-I-A-L-L for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com slash v-i-a-l to get free shipping and 365-day returns, quince.com slash v-i-a-l-l.

We've talked a lot about Quince, and I promise you, if you've never visited their website, you are missing out.

You're going to go there and think, wow, why have I not gone to Quince before?

It's a new shopping experience you are going to absolutely love.

You know what doesn't belong in your epic summer plans?

Getting burned on your old wireless bill.

While you're planning beach trips, barbecues, and three-day weekends, your wireless bill should be the last thing holding you back.

That's why we made the switch to Mint Mobile.

With Mint, you can get the coverage and speed you're used to, but for way less money.

And for a limited time, Mint Mobile is offering three months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month.

So while your friends are sweating over data overages and surprise charges, you'll be chilling.

literally and financially.

Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages.

Mint Mobile is here to rescue you.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with your existing contacts.

Ditched overpriced wireless and get three months of unlimited service from Mint Mobile for 15 bucks a month.

This year, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank.

Get this new customer offer and your three-month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com/slash V-I-A-L-L.

That is mintmobile.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to to $15 a month.

Limited time new customer offer for first three months only.

Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan.

Taxes and fees extra.

See Mint Mobile for details.

How's it going?

Good.

My name is Megan.

I'm 30 years old and I need some help navigating dating someone who just got out of a relationship.

Okay.

What kind of relationship did they get out of?

It was an on and off again, two and a half year relationship.

They did live together.

Okay.

But they were and they were together.

It wasn't like an on and off like a situationship where they lived together or?

They were together at the time when all this, yes.

How recently did they end that relationship?

Middle of March.

Okay.

And when did you meet them?

I've known this person for almost 15 years.

Okay.

Our brothers have been best friends for a long time.

Okay.

So we've never hung out or really even talked.

We've just been friends on social media, family friends.

Okay.

When did things, when did your dynamic change?

It started back in October.

You were in this relationship.

Yeah, they were together at the time.

And I was job searching.

I had applied to a company.

And that night that I applied to the company, he had posted something on Instagram and he was wearing a shirt that had the company's logo on it.

So I reached out to him and I asked, I was like, hey, do you work here?

And he goes, yeah, why?

And I said, well, I just applied there today.

Like, you should go tell HR how cool I am.

And so he started off with just that.

He went to go talk to HR,

hyped me up a lot, ended up reaching back out, gave me the hiring manager's email.

So I reached out to the hiring manager.

He followed up with me a few weeks later, asked me if I had heard anything.

And that was kind of it in the very beginning.

And then

fast forward about a month later, I ended up getting a job at a different company.

And then he reached out to me again.

So him and I both moved away from our hometowns and we currently live in the same city.

So when he reached out again, he asked, he's like, hey, I'm going to make a trip home to go snowboarding with my brother.

Do you want to come with?

and like invite your brother.

We can all hang out.

So I didn't think anything of it at that point, but I passed on the trip because I had just started this new job and I was getting ready to move like the next weekend.

I just wanted to pack and get ready for my move.

And then he offered to help me move.

And I'm not going to say no to that.

So a few weeks go by.

He helped me move.

And that was the first time we've ever met in person.

He talked about his girlfriend.

It was.

very much like a friendship at that point.

No lines were crossed at all.

He was like, I'm helping out my my brother's friend's little sister kind of thing.

And then it started to change, at least for me,

a few weeks after that.

He reached out and he's like, Hey, I'm gonna go up north to go on a snowboard trip.

Do you want to come?

And I was like, Yeah, sure.

Like, who's all going?

He's like, Oh, just me.

He had a girlfriend at the time, and her job, I found this out on the trip.

She travels a lot for work, she's gone like 75% of the time okay so you said yes to this trip i did okay and you said yes were you thinking what the going on kind of yeah i was like this is a little weird i even asked him on the drive up there i was like does she know that we're he's like yeah like we have like a really open like she's gone a lot like we have a lot of friends we do she she likes to go out dancing um that's kind of her thing and she's out until really late like we don't it's like no big deal okay i was like

we we go on this snowboard trip spend the whole day together we're stuck in the car it's like three hours up there went snowboarding and on the way back is when we started having like more personal deep conversations and like really got to know each other kind of opened up about his relationship about his mom had passed away so we talked about that talked about like some of my childhood stuff.

I'm curious more specifically what he said about his relationship.

He had just mentioned that they had recently gotten back together after breaking up,

moved back in together,

and he had a hard time with her job.

That was the reason they had broken up in the first place.

He said that he just wanted a girlfriend that was going to be around more, and she had promised she was going to be done with this and find something more permanent.

And then, quickly after,

signed another contract, didn't tell him about it until a week before she left and then leaves again for three months.

All right.

All right.

So you guys had deep conversation.

Did anything, other than having a deep conversation on the way back, nothing else happened?

Absolutely.

Like nothing.

Like it was like awkward side hunt saying goodbye.

Like that's it.

And then what was your next meaningful interaction?

So I just bought my own place.

And when he helped me move in, he was like, let me know if like you need help with anything.

Like I'm out here on my own.

Sure.

And my water heater started acting up.

So I reached out to him and I was like, hey, like, my water is like super cold.

I don't know.

Like, do I just need to replace it?

He's like, oh, I'll swing by.

So he came over.

I was here for maybe like 15 minutes and we were talking as he was fixing it.

And he's like, oh, yeah, like my girlfriend's coming back this weekend.

And at that point, I was mad at myself because it hurt my feelings a little bit.

And that's when I was like, oh, crap, like, I think I have a crush on this guy.

Sure.

Not be hanging out with him.

At that point, I told myself I was just going to kind of hit him with the slow fade

and slowly stopped talking to him.

If he asked me to hang out, just tell him I was busy.

I just didn't think it was appropriate.

And then she came home that weekend and they broke up.

And then he reached out to me saying that they broke up, was like venting to me about it.

And then pretty much after that, we started talking almost every day.

And now we hang out all the time.

And

yeah, it's like quickly kind of turned into not a, a, we're not in a relationship, but we're doing, we're like playing house.

Yeah.

How quickly did you guys hook up?

The third time after like a week and a half after

broke up.

Was that the first time you got like up into that point, like, was it you guys were just hang, you know, like, when did it go from you were the girl who was friends with.

like you know, whatever the connection was, his little brother's friend, little sister or something.

Like, when did you you stop being just the girl he knew from back home that also lived in the same city that he just like struck up a casual friendship with to you feeling like, oh, like this guy is also into me?

So we're both very into fitness and we started working out together.

And he would just like make little comments here and there about like.

the way I look.

And he was never flirty or never said stuff like that before.

We went out to dinner and I'm big, like, I'm a big girl.

I've been single for a long time.

I'm like hyper independent.

And

he wouldn't let me pay for anything.

And then we, I had like a flat tire and he came over.

Like, I go to work really early.

So he came over at like 4 a.m., drove me to work.

got my tires fixed, replaced all four of my tires.

Again, wouldn't let me pay for it.

So just doing like little gestures like that, that you don't just like do for your friends.

Okay.

And then, after you guys hooked up, what did you guys say to each other?

He, I mean, he's pretty good at communicating.

He's,

he's like, I like you, but I realize the situation.

So, what's the situation?

He had just gotten out of a relationship and it would probably not be, I understand that it might be a little, I don't know, like dumb, I guess, to rush into something, but I also don't want to put this like timeline in my head.

I just want things to kind of happen organically.

Fair.

So basically, you've brought me up to speed in terms of like kind of where we're at today is

this is how it all started.

He had this girlfriend recently got out of a breakup.

You guys were friends.

He broke up with his girlfriend.

You hung out.

You worked out.

Then you hooked up.

And then you kind of essentially been playing house, talking every day, kind of acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, but have never really had that many meaningful conversations about expectations, where this is going.

And your approach has been like, Well, I don't want to push a thing because you literally like I watched him get out of this relationship.

It wasn't like I even met him six weeks later.

He was literally had a girlfriend when I met him.

And then I was like the first person he talked to when he got out of it.

And I don't want to force the issue.

So is that, am I up to speed?

Yeah, that's correct.

And we've talked a little bit about it.

He is like, everything feels really natural with you.

I like where things are at.

He did make a comment that was very surprising surprising this weekend.

He's like, I'm quickly falling in love with you.

And that's not fair.

And I was kind of like, whoa.

Not fair to who?

He's like, I don't know.

I don't know.

He didn't say who.

He says, you're making me

too quickly.

It's not fair.

He's my age.

He's 30.

Yeah, there's a lot.

There's a lot of like very subtle red flags going on here in terms of like, this is like setting, you're, you're really setting yourself up for like a situationship that is ultimately going to end with you bummed the fuck out.

I could be wrong, but the way you're going about this, you're giving him all these potential excuses and outs to like delay committing to you or hurting your feelings or whatever.

And not that you're like he's doing anything wrong, you know, because yeah, I empathize with like that very confusing time of getting out of a relationship.

But my best advice I can give you is to take charge of your dating life.

I promise you, if this guy likes you in a meaningful way that is worth you pursuing, then you're not going to push him away.

You know what I'm saying?

Certainly you're not going to push him away by communicating what you want in a confident way, setting and communicating your expectations and boundaries.

and enforcing those boundaries when he doesn't meet those needs.

You're not going to turn him off.

And the best thing you can do is to again I always say calmly because that's like the most attractive thing that you know people are so used to people getting emotional during emotional conversations and being sensitive during sensitive conversations that when you can remain calm having a difficult conversation it just instantly looks attractive to people because you know how to regulate yourself in ways that most people don't so like that's this number one but yeah i think you really need to think about all right at at this point, all right, up until this day, you've kind of given him generally a pass on really like, not that he's done anything wrong, but it's just more like you've really allowed him to like dictate the terms of this relationship.

You know, the story you just told, it's been very much, well, you know, he's had a girlfriend and like, so what am I supposed to do?

And he reached out to you and invited you on this trip and like, yeah, you said yes.

And then, you know, but like you need to start dictating terms too, right?

This needs to be a mutual decision by the both of you.

And you are in a position now to set some expectations and some boundaries.

I'm not saying next time you see him, be like, all right, buddy, new sheriff in town.

I got some things I want to, you know, I'm not saying it's that, but like catch yourself from avoiding having conversations and catch yourself from talking yourself out of communicating to you.

something that's bothering you or something you want to say or getting clarity on a topic because you're in a position right now to just talk yourself out of all that because it's like, oh, I don't want to push him away.

And it's just going to have a relationship.

And like, I don't know if it's my place right now.

And I don't want to be like the annoying, pushy girlfriend and blah, blah, blah.

That's all, you know, just get rid of all that in your head.

That's honestly my best advice to you.

And if you feel like when he says things like, oh, it's, I would say things like, don't say that shit to me unless you mean it.

Like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, I think, like, I think people sometimes say, I think guys are, are, are, men are more, bigger offenders in this topic of just kind of like throwing out words to see how they feel, you know, see if they stick, just play around with it.

So crazy, I think I'm falling in love with you, you know?

He kind of, like, I'm sure he felt that, but he just kind of said it, and he kind of wants to see how you react.

And then like a month, if let's say a month goes by and all of a sudden like his, you know, I don't know, let's say she comes back in his life, I don't know, something goings on in his life, his feelings change, you're going to be like, you fucking said you loved me, motherfucker.

And he's going to be like, I just like said, I thought I was falling in love with you.

Haven't you ever seen The Bachelor?

You know, like

you're the third runner up.

To simplify, you have to take charge of this dating situation.

And the thing you just have to remind yourself that I just wish if like every woman listening to this call, or just whoever listened to this call, because I say it all the time, it's just like men are not going to be turned off by you knowing what you want and letting a guy know and showing a guy more importantly you know what you're not gonna put up with and it doesn't have to be like aggressive and it doesn't have to be like a fight it should just be a very calm like saying no once in a while to like playing house or like and you this has been how long you like this this new this new normal for you guys how long has it been going on for like when did you guys hook up a month a month all right so a month is plenty of time to be like all right you know we've been doing this for a month but like this i'm not gonna continue to do this any longer without any clarity And you might not be ready to give me clarity.

So I'm going to bring clarity to the situation by letting you know what I want and what I'm okay with.

Right now, you're just, again, you're following his lead.

And I think you need to stop following his lead.

Yeah, we're hanging out tomorrow.

So this is perfect timing.

And I think just like with previous relationships, I don't want to have the whole like, what are we talk?

That's not the point of this.

I just, again, like boundaries and expectations.

i just want to figure out like what's going on and

where

his head's at essentially but i think with previous relationships i just struggle with like i don't want to sound crazy is it too i'm like just self-sabotaging here like is it too early too early for what i just don't so you know what to just have those sure but like when you ask yourself those questions be specific you know imagine you're talking to me, right?

And I'm like, you know, because when you're like, is it too early for what?

You know, I don't know.

Is it too early to get married?

Yes.

Is it too early for to ask him to move in with you?

Yes.

Is it too early for you guys to say, I'm deeply in love with you?

Probably.

You know, it might even be too early for you guys to say, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend.

But is it too early to like communicate how things are going and like where you, how you guys feel about each other today and what you're no, probably not, you know?

So you know what I'm saying?

So, like, when you're like, is it too early?

And I don't want to be crazy, like, I don't know.

That really depends on the specific, the specificity of what that, what you're asking, what, you know, your internal monologue that's like, was it too early?

Like, it's definitely not too early for you to get clarity.

That's for sure.

You know, especially for a man you're having sex with.

And you're right.

Like, if he does really care and he likes me, it's not going to freak him out.

He's not going to run away.

Yeah.

Now, he might, he's, you know, he might be a little confused.

And that confusion might just be, he's told himself that he shouldn't jump into another relationship so soon.

And now he's like, oh, I like this girl.

But if that's the case that like, I,

if he just says, well, I'm not ready yet.

Like, I don't want to keep doing this then.

Yeah.

And now you say that.

I mean, like, and you're like, I totally get it.

That's totally cool.

And you can, you can say it almost in a joking way.

But you're, you know, you can be like, well, I just don't think it's all that confusing to figure out whether you like me or not, You know, I don't know, maybe that's not the way to say it.

I don't know.

You know, without trying to come up with something clever to say, but it's like, you're right.

You know, maybe, maybe you're not.

But like, if you're not, then, you know, quite honestly, like, well, hey, listen, I'm assuming you liked having sex with him.

And you can kind of joke, but like, listen, you're a great lay.

But like, now we're getting past the point of just being great lays.

And like, if you are not, what you, when he says he's not ready, right?

He's saying, I'm not ready for something emotional.

Fair enough.

And you can say like great but like yeah it's just more like well then you're not ready to continue to having sex with me because you are gonna you're just you're gonna fall in love with me and if you're not ready then we need to stop having sex and honestly we need to stop playing house and again you just need to be very you know like literally look in the mirror and be like I'm I'm a badass bitch and I'm awesome and like you know like just you just gotta be confident you know like it's really everyone loves confidence men love confident women I know that's sometimes hard to believe because like it sometimes feels like you know, there's obviously a lot of women out there who feel like, you know, very successful women, very accomplished women, women who are very professionally driven, make a lot of money, and they feel like they're constantly, you know, I think that's kind of a different conversation about maybe just like just conversations about masculinity and societal norms.

And that's a deeper conversation.

But in general, I think men very much still like confident women.

Maybe on their terms, but they still want that confidence.

They want a, everyone wants someone who knows their value.

Everyone wants someone who doesn't let other people waste their time.

Everyone wants someone that knows they're a prize, that they're a catch.

That's what we all want.

We want someone that we think everyone else wants and we got them.

So be that person.

Don't be the person who's like, oh, wow, he likes me.

And I'm just going to do whatever he does and says and sit around at his convenience and wait around for him to be ready.

You know, and so that's just the energy you want to bring to that conversation without without getting too heavy and you can keep it light and joke and you can kind of say as much it's just like i'm just not the type of person who just waits around for people to be ready and figuring out that they like me and i totally get you out of a relationship so maybe you just need to unpack that and get some therapy what i'm certain of is that i'm not down to do this while you figure out and and try to get ready like i'm a phone call away And if you need a break, we can take a break.

It's cool.

But like, I'm definitely not sidelining my, I'm not sidelining this, you know, and you don't keep getting it in this because you're going to fall in love with me and you're not ready.

Yeah, that's a great way to put it.

You know, something like that.

And then just be busy when he calls and he's, you know, reaching out.

And, you know, you're going to have to decide what he can say that's going to make you feel comfortable to continue some version of what you're doing.

You know, and maybe it's like, listen, like, I'm just going to keep it real with you.

I like you.

I hope you know that.

I don't think that's some mystery.

You and you love me.

So I would just give him a shit about that.

In a very playful way yeah but you can say like i do like i like you i do and i and i don't really give a that you gotta overrelate you know that's what i'm saying just don't let him use it in an excuse like i i like fine he got he broke up with someone a month ago i don't he's not incapable of falling in love with you know what i'm saying like there's been a lot of people who have been like gone from one vine to another in and out of relationships like it's not he's not If he can have sex with you, if he can do exact, all the thing he's been doing, you know, if his relationship was so wonderful that he needed all this time to heal like you know i'm not saying he was doing anything when he asked you to go on this trip but he wasn't doing nothing you know what i'm saying like he wasn't doing nothing you know what i'm saying so like he can't can't possibly need all this time to be ready yeah i feel like it was on the outs and then we started kind of hanging out and he was like oh okay like i think it made it a little i mean the truth is you know what you know what i would say 98 of people mean when they say i don't know if i'm ready yet when they're saying that to a person they're dating.

They say it's not with you.

Yeah, they just, they don't know.

It's like going to the shoe store, liking a pair of shoes and being like, I don't know if I'm ready to buy this because honestly, this is the first store I've been to and I was planning on shopping all day.

So I'm going to put this on hold for a second.

And if I don't find anything better, I'm going to come back and I'm going to buy these.

So, I mean, that's what he means when he says he's not ready.

And you don't, you don't need him to admit to that, but that's, you just need to be like, listen, I mean, when you say you're not ready, like, there's, if, and you say, like, listen, if you need to go around and date other women, women, I totally get it.

You don't get this while you do that.

And like, you're right.

I don't want or don't think this conversation should end with, we're boyfriend, girlfriend.

But then, like, what is a good answer?

I see a future.

I like what you're doing.

Some version of I really like you too.

I actually meant when I said, when I kind of casually threw out the L word, I do.

I care about you.

I fucking love being around you.

Yeah.

I'm, to be honest, like, I'm a little nervous about jumping into a relationship right after I got out of my last relationship, but I like you.

So, like, you know, maybe we don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but I don't want to see other people.

We're having sex and like, I, I only want to hang out with you and let's just see where this goes.

And let's just like keep checking in and talking like two adults.

And like, hopefully it progresses.

That it'd be some version of that.

It's, you know, it's not, it's, it's not that complicated and it's not that heavy.

And we try to overcomplicate things.

And because like, again, at the end of the day, and it's totally, it's again, no judgment about this guy.

He doesn't know you know He thinks you're hot He thinks you're good in bed He thinks you're cool He likes your company, but he doesn't know you're his wife and what he's afraid of like everyone else is afraid of and I was afraid of it's just like do I jump into a relationship with this person and like what happens if you know I just met her I just like shit is that crazy of me to like in so you're just like yeah and maybe if you're just like listen maybe you should see other people and if you want to date other people but I just like I don't want to keep having sex so like maybe you could be this cool you know just go date other people like dare them to like there's a little bit of game game playing and there's a little bit of a dance.

Like Nellie and I did that too.

You know, it was just like, I really had my reservations.

I just was like, I don't think I could date this person, you know?

And finally, she was like, all right, fuck it.

I'm just, I'm not going to wait around for you, you know?

And I, she forced my hand.

I had to figure that shit out.

And I liked, you know, and I did like her enough, you know, that was kind of the point.

And if I didn't, and I had other women, various reasons in the past, in my 30s, who I casually dated and we didn't be boyfriend and girlfriend and they presented me with that and I ultimately let them go because I clearly didn't care enough.

I think I'm just a little scared.

I haven't, I haven't, I've been single for quite a while and this is just like the first person that I've actually liked.

And he checks lots of boxes.

So, but I just said something I need to do.

I just need to.

Yeah, I totally get it.

I totally get it.

It's just not a reason not to do it because otherwise you'd just be making that very cardinal mistake, which is to like, yeah, just kind of give that, that's you giving into your fears, right?

And it's the literal opposite energy than what you need to portray to this man, which is like, oh my God, I haven't had a boyfriend.

And listen, I get it.

You're, you're saying, I just haven't had a liked guy.

And so it's not like you're, you can't get a boyfriend.

You just, there hasn't guys you liked, right?

And you like him.

But the energy still gives of, I, you know, I need a, I need him.

I need him.

I can't live without him.

What am I going to do without him?

Oh, my God.

I can't like know other men

and like and that's the energy you just you don't want to give and then because he's just gonna be like well you know whether he he's not it's not even his conscious brain you know he's just again like I don't know if someone's just offering you 20 bucks even if it costs 10 you're just gonna take the 20 bucks it's just human nature So you have to do your part to not make it easy for him to just like really enjoy how convenient you're making this all for him.

I'm going to bring it up tomorrow.

Try to like poke fun at it.

When he said that he was falling for you, what'd you say?

It was like a big long text.

He came over the night before.

He said this in a text?

Yeah.

Well, that's not just

throwing it out there.

He typed that shit.

Yeah, because the night before he came over for dinner and he like brought me flowers.

And

it was just, we stayed up and just talked on my couch for like three hours.

And it just felt like I can't even explain it.

It just felt like really good.

And in the morning, I texted him and I was like, thanks for coming over last night.

I had a good time.

Like,

I like spending time with you.

And he's like, yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you.

I never want to leave when we're together.

I'm falling in love with you too quickly.

It's not fair.

And then I just responded back.

I said, the feelings are mutual.

I'm excited to see where this goes.

And he said, me too.

Next time you see him, I would say, what do you, that's how you start the conversation.

Be like, hey, can we talk about that text you sent?

What did you mean that's not fair?

Like, maybe it was just a line.

I don't know.

But I'd love to know.

I don't know.

I think it was more of like a joke.

Like, it's not fair.

It's too quick.

Like, it shouldn't.

But I'll ask.

But that's why you ask.

Cause, you know, it's like, is he, is that, does he mean it's not fair?

And did he, did he really throw that in there?

for a reason, which is like, it's not fair to you or us because like I can't possibly possibly get into a relationship with another girl.

So we're just two people who love each other who can't be together?

Or did he just kind of like say it as a throwaway because like, I don't know, it just felt like a cool line to say.

And there's not that much meaning behind it.

Like him saying, oh, it's not fair.

Like it was, it was cute, but it wasn't like this super serious thing, you know, kind of like playing it cool.

Well, yeah, listen, everything he's saying and doing is great.

You just have to make sure he means it.

And you have to give him permission.

i think the scariest thing you can say to him right now is to say and maybe that's what you say to him like listen i don't i love where this is going i i don't with most dudes i'm picky as

but like i really am enjoying our time and honestly i'm fine with how this is going and i actually i'm glad that we feel the way each each others does and i'm you know and just kind of say like this is great and you i would say something like we're probably a ways away from calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but like, since we do enjoy each other's company this much, and since we, I guess, are playing with the L-word, I just want to make sure that we're on the same page and we're like, this is, we're only seeing each other.

And then maybe it's just that simple.

See, that's again where my issue, like, that's what I need to say.

And it's right, but I'm just like, I don't want to sound crazy.

I just want to say that.

How is that crazy?

That's not crazy.

You're having sex.

He's throwing out the L-word.

And all you're making sure is that like without wearing a condom, you're not going to get herpes or chlamydia.

You know, like, you know, that's not crazy.

And if you break it down, you're just like, hey, we're having sex and we're sharing emotions.

And I'm just checking in to make sure that like,

because, you know, I'm not your girlfriend.

So technically you get to do whatever the fuck you want, but it would be kind of fucked up at this point.

Like, you know, you guys need to acknowledge.

that if either of you did some other shit, it would be hurtful to the other person.

And that's okay to acknowledge.

That's not crazy.

You just have to to try to be chill about it where it's just like yeah this is awesome like this is great i really love where it's going and honestly i don't i don't even i don't even feel bad that we i get why you feel about the way you do about me you know but like i'm you know like again

got it like i'm pretty mellow in general it's just like the way i articulate it i want it to come out right

you know i would challenge you to to to try not to get like it's it's just not that complicated it's not that deep this is not a a nuanced conversation you don't have to like say it perfectly then the good news is he did like

i know we you know it's like things can change and and and things change fast and and men and and people can get caught up in emotions but like what you are describing are a lot of green you know like i i i'm contradicting myself but like in terms of this past thing like him sending you that message and giving you flowers and saying what he said, maybe it's a little too fast, but it sounds like he messaged it in a way that was like, hey, just so you know, I really like how I'm, I like you.

That was, he took the initiative there.

Did you think he was crazy?

No.

Okay.

So then why are you so worried for you to reciprocate?

Now it's your turn to take that, to do that.

And then maybe you say that.

Like, since we're, since we're low-key using the, we're, we're, I guess we're, since we're following each other with each other and say it playfully and be like, that's crazy.

But like, I'm just making sure, like, we're not, we're not the boyfriend and girlfriend stage here yet but like i just want to make sure that like you know yeah like we like we're we're we're seeing where this goes right we're all while while not seeing it while it goes with other people and you could say like i'm just making sure because i know you just got a relationship i don't think it's that big of a deal but i just want to make sure you can handle this and if he says well i don't you know it is too soon that's the that's the thing that you're afraid of him saying but fine if you would still need to hear him say it because even if he says that doesn't mean he doesn't like you doesn't mean he's gonna you over it it honestly right it's it's a normal human response for him to have which is like holy shit like do i jump into another relationship right away so so it's like i i can't be mad at him for that because it's i understand yeah of course you're not mad but you you you you don't have to be mad at him to say okay well i'm glad you still have a right to know where he stands Because then you can protect yourself better and you might be able to make different decisions, which is like, fair enough.

All right.

I totally get that.

But, you know, that's where you, that's where you challenge him, right?

Because that's something if he does say that, it might just be like the thing he thinks he should say.

It just might be,

again, like more based off of, you know, what he expected of his dating.

Like when he got out of this relationship, maybe, I don't know, maybe he thought, maybe he broke up with her for you.

I don't know.

We don't know.

But I'm just saying it would be a normal response.

I hope I'm making myself clear here because I feel like I'm bouncing all over the place.

But if he says that, right?

It's an, we've, we, we agree it's a normal response based off of him actually getting on a relationship recently.

And most of the time when we get out of a relationship, we, we want to shop around a little bit to see our other options, right?

He found you right away, really liked what he's learning so far.

And is he willing to just take a risk on you in this relationship without needing to do more shopping or not?

And it might hurt you a little bit, you know, because again, the natural instincts, like if you planned a day of shopping with a limited budget and the first store you went to, you found something you really loved, but it was your entire budget, you would be like, oh, let me put, you would ask, you would ask them if they could put it on hold.

And then you would go shop.

And then you would come back if you didn't find anything else better.

So it's normal.

And you have to bet on yourself and essentially say, go shop, but I can't put these on hold.

Yeah, I'm extremely stubborn.

And so, yeah, if that is the case, like no longer happening, not a thing.

Well, good.

But, but, but when you do it, just be very chill about it.

And again, like, because he might just say that because he's like, thinks he has to.

Again, I, I told my wife no plenty of times before I said yes.

And she was the one who was right and I was wrong, right?

I had to figure my shit out, right?

But I did.

Thankfully, in time, he might need to say, yeah, I just don't know if I can right now.

And he's going to to go home and maybe go on the dating apps.

And then, again, bet on yourself and be that pair of shoes that like, you know, that's like, I'm not putting this on hold because like I, it's, I'm, too many people want it.

And I'm sorry.

Like if someone else better comes along who wants to, these pair of shoes, I'm not waiting around for you because you are ready.

You know what I'm saying?

You are ready for that person, whoever that person is to come into your life.

And if he's not ready, good for him.

But you are.

And when you say that you're ready, I want you to say it, which is like, you're ready because emotionally you're ready.

Or not being ready is someone who's like, needs to figure their shit out, right?

So you don't need to figure.

So you say it is like, not from a place of desperation.

I'm not ready because I haven't had a boyfriend in forever.

And God damn, I just want a boyfriend.

Fuck.

You're ready because

you were confident enough in yourself.

to be single for a period of time because you knew that you didn't need a boyfriend and you weren't just going to go out with anyone.

And you've been ready for a while for that right person and so far you're really really liking what you see from him and you're just not about wasting your time exactly what i need to do and i

i would normally talk about or talk this through with my brother he reminds me a lot of you but just given the situation i'm trying to keep him out of it okay

i respect that yeah try not to overcomplicate i'm worried for you that it's not even as bad as you're worrying it is and you kind of like you know kind of i've just been saying where it's like it'd be normal for him to say this and you and like you know that right so you're anticipating him saying the very thing that most people in his position say but he had this is a guy who reached out to you unprompted and sent you a text saying that he's falling for you and also said he's really excited to see where this goes things change and change things change fast we know that but you don't have to assume the worst I think it's just like a defense mechanism, maybe.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, I'll talk to him tomorrow.

Yeah, and maybe it's just like at some point you're on the couch and you say, since we're low-key falling for each other, I've decided I don't want to see anyone else.

And

I want to make sure you don't want to either.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So this is what you say.

There we go.

We got it.

We workshopped it.

I've workshopped it in my head.

So I'm just going to tell you.

It's like, since we're low-key falling for each other, While we might not be ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet, I do know that I don't want to do this with anyone else right now.

And I want to focus on like seeing if there's actually something here.

And I just want to make sure that we're on the same page.

And he will most likely probably say, yeah, I feel the same way.

And great.

And if he says,

then you could say, all right, well, fair enough.

But I am not putting myself on hold while you figure it out.

And I totally get, I mean, I get it.

I'm, you know, it's a normal, and you talk to him like a therapist.

It's normal.

It's totally normal.

But nevertheless, clearly you like what you're doing right now.

And if, if you're, if that's too much for you to to handle, then I'm, I'm not, I'm not chilling.

I'm not waiting.

And you're just very calm.

And then honestly, you can be like, you know,

you don't throw abruptly end the night.

You know, you don't, you know, you can just be confident.

Just be like, be totally unbothered.

There's nothing, nothing fucks up men more than seeing a calm woman.

Like when they are expecting that woman to be not calm and she's calm, it's, it's, it's the most powerful thing you, you all can do.

And it's not even, it's more like emotional.

I don't want to get emotional.

No, I know.

Well, yeah, I know.

Yeah.

And trust me,

you don't want to get emotional.

You want to be, you want to be very,

okay.

All right.

Well, I get it.

Totally cool.

Because that'll, that'll fuck him up.

He'll, he wants you to cry.

It's not that he wants you to cry, but he wants to know that you care.

He wants to know that it's going to hurt you to enforce that boundary.

That's not his conscious brain, is his subconscious brain, because that will give him a little more security.

And if he is going to

go shoe shopping, he needs to be super afraid that as soon as he leaves that store, someone's going to walk right in and actually appreciate the value that it is.

Now, I like your take on it.

I think

my idea was a little too serious

and it just doesn't have to be.

No,

it does not have to be.

Do you remember what I said?

Can you repeat it back to me?

Like, hey, so I really like.

where this has been going.

I enjoy spending time with you.

And if we're going to play around with the L-word, like I'm not sleeping with anyone else.

And it'd be pretty cool if we're on the same page.

Yeah, something like that.

Workshop it, practice.

Yeah.

That's not bad.

But it's not just the sleeping around.

It's like, I'm not, I'm not seeing anyone else.

Be specific.

Yeah.

I don't want to see anyone else.

I'm not sleeping with anyone else.

Honestly, like, I meant what I said when I wake up and I just want to like see you.

Just want to make sure we're on the same page.

It's not, it's not that heavy.

Okay.

And I think like coming over for dinner, should I wait until like after dinner?

Do I bring it up right away?

Or just like, cause I don't want us to like sitting on the couch and be like, so

what's like, what's while we're cooking?

I mean, I'm assuming you were

minus this whole like conversation you've decided that you think you should have and we decided you think you should have.

Like you, you would probably hook up with him, right?

Tomorrow, like you're planning on, is he planning on having sex with you tomorrow?

Probably.

So,

yeah.

We talked about having dinner and him just staying the night because we both wake up early and we work next to each other okay so which means you'll probably hook up right

well i will say this you'll get the most honest answer after you have sex yeah

that's true

so just while we're laying in bed like after

I mean, listen, like, I mean, yeah, I definitely don't think this is so urgent that you can't sleep.

You've already been sleeping with this guy.

One, you know, hooking up with him one more time isn't going to change anything.

So you might as well get yours one more time if nothing else.

I really think you're going to get a, I mean, I really think he likes you.

It sounds like he does.

And I really think that this is going in the right direction.

But yeah, I don't know.

Like, yes, I don't think you should do not,

again, this isn't a big conversation.

Try not to be thinking about it all through dinner.

Just remind yourself that this is something you want to bring up before you, you know, you leave.

And then when you, you hook up, you're lying in bed.

And then just like try to embrace the moment hopefully you'll have a great night and hopefully like it'll be a great moment hooking up with them and you're just like yeah like i really just repeating what i said the night before i really like you and i just i'm not seeing anyone else i don't want to do this with anyone else and like i i you know and say what you and say that without making it heavy just like almost say it without it being a thing All right, you feeling, you feeling better?

Yeah, I think that that's a great time to just bring it up because it'll feel just organic and will be like inner feelings kind of after just lay in there.

And it doesn't seem so forced.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like, honestly, hopefully it just like it'll actually make a lot of sense given that you guys had a really enjoyable night.

Be present when you're enjoying the night.

Try not to think about it.

This is like, again, also.

If, you know, if you end up not saying it tomorrow, it's not the end of the world.

This is normal.

He's already done this.

You already had a positive conversation.

It's not that heavy.

This is you checking in.

This is you doing your part.

He's done that.

And just you're just be prepared to just enforce that boundary if you get unexpected bad news and do it in a way that doesn't make you feel emotionally crushed and anticipate the fact that like it would be a normal response for him to give you that kind of bullshit.

Like, I don't know if I'm ready.

Well, that's fair.

That's all fair.

Thank you.

I appreciate.

If you're going to do anything emotionally, if you don't get the response that you want, just roll your eyes.

I would give a little laugh.

I'm like, okay, what exactly about what, you know, it's like, really?

What, you know, what, what aren't you ready for?

Yeah.

And just roll over and go to sleep.

Try.

I think you know that you are an emotional person.

It sounds like I'm hearing.

Just try, you just don't overreact to whatever news you get because all you're doing is checking in and it is new.

And you guys don't have a huge emotional connection.

Try not to overreact.

Yeah.

And we haven't had conversations like this before.

So, you know, I think it's getting to know each other on that level and how we respond.

And well, actually, I would say, I would disagree with that one part.

You actually, you did have that conversation.

It was great.

It was more on the lovey-dovey in your feelings conversation.

And now you're like, you're continuing that conversation and you're bringing it up this time as opposed to him bringing it up.

And you're being being slightly more pragmatic about it than he was.

You know what I'm saying?

Because he was like, Oh, he was like, Oh, I'm kind of falling for you, and it's not fair, but I really like where this is going.

This is great, which is like really great to hear, and it's nice, and it's affirming, and it makes you feel good, but it doesn't give you clarity about what exactly that means.

And you're just asking for just a little bit of clarity.

You know, that's it.

That's all you're doing.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Keep us posted.

I'd love to know what he says.

Yeah, I'll let you guys know.

All right.

Thank you.

you i'm feeling i'm feeling good things good luck uh i'm feeling good about this all right thank you nick all right take care

you want your master's degree you know you can earn it But life gets busy.

The packed schedule, the late nights, and then there's the unexpected.

American Public University was built for all of it.

With monthly starts and no set login times, APU's 40-plus flexible online master's programs are designed to move at the speed of life.

Start your master's journey today at apu.apus.edu.

You want it?

Come get it at APU.