E943 Ask Nick - My Baby Daddy Tried To Hook Up With My Sister

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Speaker 2 How's it going? Hi, I'm Josephine, and I'm 31 years old, and I'm struggling to stop comparing my very old toxic relationship to my very happy new one.

Speaker 1 So you're in a relationship? I am, yes. What do you compare the most? Like what do you could you, yeah, describe what you mean by comparing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I can give some context. So me and my current partner have been together for about eight months.
Okay. He's amazing.
Like he's definitely the healthiest person I've ever been with. He's so kind.

Speaker 2 It's insane. I'm so in love with him.
But what ends up happening, so my prior relationship that I find myself comparing, he had a lot of of like drinking problems to say the least.

Speaker 2 And I find myself like anytime my current partner is like a little intoxicated, he's, I mean, he drinks a lot, but not in large amounts, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2 So, like, he's like a beer a day kind of guy. And I find myself just getting triggered by it.
Like, I get really irritated and I'm not very nice about it.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well,

Speaker 1 it's good to recognize.

Speaker 2 Yeah, which is honestly, it's very hypocritical because I'm a, I'm like, I'm, I could probably say I'm a fairly big drinker. I'm in liquor sales, so

Speaker 2 I am around alcohol like every single day. And I socially drink quite a bit.

Speaker 1 Okay. What else? I mean, is that the big, is there anything else that you're comparing? Or is that just the ring?

Speaker 2 I think that's honestly the biggest thing. It's,

Speaker 2 it's, and then, I mean, it kind of causes me to spiral spiral a little bit.

Speaker 2 And then I'll like go into like a little hole of other comparisons that I really in the right state of mind, I don't think are fair.

Speaker 2 But when I'm in that spiral moment, I will like go to those dark places and compare really little petty things like, oh, he doesn't know how to speak about his emotions or he's not doing this or he's like, you know,

Speaker 2 really honestly, like things that in the right state of mind, I know aren't fair to him.

Speaker 1 So, when you say compare, you know, you're not necessarily comparing your current boyfriend to your ex and missing things.

Speaker 1 You're more comparing in the sense that, like, is this seemingly perfect man and seemingly best relationship I've ever had going to eventually turn into that dog shit relationship? I survived.

Speaker 2 100%. Yeah.
I'm just, I'm like very scared of heartbreak. I did not handle that breakup well.
Like, to say the least, it was the darkest time of my life.

Speaker 1 Yeah. well, uh,

Speaker 1 yeah, I mean, yeah, the silver lining is uh, if that, you know, usually there's always this one.

Speaker 1 How many other heartbreaks have you had?

Speaker 2 Quite a bit. I'm kind of a serial monogamous.
So, when I say kind of, I mean I really am.

Speaker 1 Um, I, but what about it? Sounds like this heartbreak was maybe the worst, or it

Speaker 1 was.

Speaker 2 Um, we were together for four years in like a pivotal time, like 22 to 26, 27.

Speaker 2 And we moved out of state. So we moved together and

Speaker 2 we had honestly like a very lovely relationship up until our move.

Speaker 2 And then he met a ton of really awesome people. I mean, we both made very similar friends.
We're both in the service industry. So bartending, serving, that kind of thing.

Speaker 2 But he just kind of went down a path of drinking and doing drugs and never coming home and just like really getting racked up in the town that we lived in, which was awesome to some extent and really negative to another.

Speaker 2 But when we moved together, it was like really with the idea that we were going to get married. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so when you started dating your ex,

Speaker 1 kind of like you just said, like it was, it was good, but then it got bad.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
It was really good for, I would say, two and a half years. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And part of that good him not seemingly having a problem with alcohol in the first two and a half years?

Speaker 2 You know, that's such a good question because

Speaker 2 maybe it was something I didn't recognize as much. I mean, I was younger too, and I was also working in restaurants and bars.

Speaker 2 We met at the restaurant that we worked at together. So we were going out quite a bit, like after our shifts.

Speaker 2 And I think in our move, I was one, working a lot less and more excited to be home because it was like the first house that was like the dream house.

Speaker 2 And I was more excited to be at home and to be a homebody than he was. So I think I honestly just like recognized it more than I did back home in the Midwest.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it makes sense. Yeah.
Well, kind of like you said, too, right?

Speaker 1 Like, I mean, I've never been a big drinker, but in my 20s, I mean, it wouldn't be that crazy for me to go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday night and two of those nights to get like pretty drunk.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which it's like is a lot more excessive than I drink now, right?

Speaker 1 But like when you're in your 20s and going out, it's pretty normal for a group of friends to like kind of, you know, party and party together and go out on a regular basis and drink in excess on a regular basis.

Speaker 1 So it's really kind of hard to tell the difference between the friends who like are just like YOLOing it and the people who like maybe have a little drinking problem.

Speaker 2 For sure. You know, I think that's actually a really good good point when you bring up friends too, because you asked me if anything else is like triggering or like that I'm comparing.

Speaker 2 And this is something that I'm really trying not to be like ma, like, I don't want to be like mothering him, but I find myself being super protective with some of his friends that do have like legitimate issues.

Speaker 2 And it's like glaringly obvious like at um what do you call it? The casino. I almost said the casino's name.
They're like at the casino a lot and just being unhealthy. They don't have literal jobs.

Speaker 2 And I find myself being like very judgmental and I don't want to be like that. And when he's with this certain friend, it's really one in particular.

Speaker 2 I find myself like getting anxious and nervous about it.

Speaker 1 Well, how does your current boyfriend talk about this friend?

Speaker 2 He's worried about him.

Speaker 2 He's very worried. Great.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's great.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it also, it seems like the only time that they talk about his friend's issues is when they're like under the influence. So I feel like there's not a lot of sober conversations that are being.

Speaker 1 The only reason I'm not, I'm not looking for your boyfriend to save his friend.

Speaker 1 It's nice if you can and it's nice if he's there. The reason I asked that question is because I wanted to know.
what his perception of his friend, if it matched your perception of that problem.

Speaker 1 I have friends who I have concerns or have had concerns about their consumption,

Speaker 1 and I still, you know, I hung out with them and they were still my close friends and I spent a lot of time with them.

Speaker 1 And it was more like, well, I know I'm not worried about having, you know, you're worried because like your ex-boyfriend allowed himself to get caught up with friends or people who influenced or it felt like influenced his behavior.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you got to see the difference between your current boyfriend and your ex-boyfriend, which is like he can recognize somehow, he can go out, enjoy alcohol, socially be around people, and he can be aware of

Speaker 1 people's overconsumption and problematic decisions and the lack, you know, and be concerned for his friends so much.

Speaker 1 You know, it would be concerning if he was like, I don't know, like, I see it, but my boyfriend just kind of like doesn't. And I don't know, he just thinks his friends is kind of chilling.

Speaker 1 And like, I don't know, like, maybe he thinks he has a problem, maybe he doesn't. He doesn't really bring it up.
Like, that, that, to me, would be a, like a mild red flag. Yeah.
Yeah. You know,

Speaker 1 and then I would say, oh, you know, I see why you're concerned, but like, he sees the problem, you know, and you see the problem, you know?

Speaker 1 So like you're worried about a guy who's worried about his friend and you're more worried about this friend he's worrying, worrying about being a bad influence as if like this troubled friend is going to sell him on how great his life is, that your boyfriend's going to be like, yeah, I want some of that in my life.

Speaker 2 I know. No, you're so right.
I know. Can I give you an example of one evening? It was like the only large bite we've we've ever had.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I was in Chicago for the night and my boyfriend was looking after my dog. And like we spend a lot of nights together.
He knows my dog very well.

Speaker 2 I was not even in the slightest concerned or worried, but I

Speaker 2 should clarify like I went out. pretty hard and I had a lot of fun.
I hadn't seen this friend in a long time and we like, we had a lot of fun.

Speaker 2 So I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because I was out till like three in the morning, But the next day, I called my boyfriend just to make sure like that everything was good with the dog.

Speaker 2 And he was on his way to my place, like in the morning, like at 8 a.m. And I'm like, what do you mean you're on your way? And he was with this friend that I have concerns about.

Speaker 2 Basically, he left my dog all night. And he's like, no, we walked her at 10 p.m.
And now we're on our way back. She's totally fine.
And that was incredibly upsetting to me.

Speaker 2 Like I've never left my dog overnight without a human to sleep with, like ever. Yeah, I was really, really mad.

Speaker 2 And I just don't think he would have done something like that if he weren't with this person, but also that was his choice.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, I mean, I get why you're triggered, but yeah.

Speaker 1 But yeah, it sounds like more of a trigger rather than

Speaker 1 like I understand no one else is like, you haven't left your dog, but like, I think

Speaker 1 dogs are fine sleeping by themselves.

Speaker 2 But, like, all night she was probably wondering. I like can't.

Speaker 1 Probably not. I,

Speaker 2 I, I know. You know, like, logically, I understand,

Speaker 2 but I'm, I mean, you understand too, because you have dogs. I'm obsessed with my dog, and the idea of her being like alone

Speaker 2 really upset me. I think if I just felt more like disrespected, I felt like the fact that he had said he was going to do a thing that he didn't really do.
Sure.

Speaker 1 I mean, and you had a right to be upset about that, right?

Speaker 1 So there's, but there's a difference between being upset about the thing that you have a right to be upset about and addressing that thing and saying, hey, that, that made me frustrated.

Speaker 1 I thought I could count on you to take care of my dog. Yeah.
And you didn't meet my expectations.

Speaker 1 And I felt the, you know, I just felt like you over promised and under delivered versus getting in your head and being like, what does this mean?

Speaker 1 You know, are you like, and acting like it was his troubled friend who influenced him and he chose his, you know, he chose to like become an alcoholic over

Speaker 1 taking care of your dog. Yeah.

Speaker 2 yeah yeah you know i do know i do know that's i think that's what i'm struggling with like the like you said like just like the i make up ideas in my head and i'm very scared of things going sideways so i feel like i'm in like constant protection mode yeah and i just get frustrated pretty easily and i don't want to be like that because i'm typically a very loving person.

Speaker 2 And I think he, I think he knows how much I love him, but I definitely feel myself being impatient at times that are unfair. And I see it making him sad.

Speaker 2 He doesn't even get reactive, but he just gets like sad, which makes me sad and feels stupid.

Speaker 1 I mean, listen, the reality that you're going to have to face is that you will never be able to prevent or guarantee heartbreak.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It sucks. And as we get older, that gets scarier and scarier in our 20s.

Speaker 1 We're kind of like, we don't want heartbreak, but I guess we're meant to experience and some person older than me told me i'm gonna have to deal with it in order to become like a better version of myself or really learn about myself and blah blah blah blah blah but then when we're like in our early 30s and got for 40s and we're doing it we're just like what's the fucking what was the point of that i've already you know i didn't need to i did not need this anymore to learn you know type of thing and like not every bad thing that happens in our life is meant to be a lesson

Speaker 1 i don't think again i don't think things happen for a reason you can still learn a a lesson, you know, it doesn't, like, it didn't happen, you know, the, the world doesn't revolve around us.

Speaker 1 And therefore, like, not everything that happens to us is some sort of destiny. It's just dumb fucking luck, you know, it's just life.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What you can do, though, is to control what you can control and not try to over control the things you can't control. And you're doing a little bit of the latter.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, and, and trying to squeeze and protect yourself from things that are just like outside of your control. Totally.
It's still a really new relationship.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I think the best thing you can do to protect yourself is to just say, I, you know, this is really great so far.

Speaker 1 And I see so much potential, but let's just enjoy, like, enjoy the moment and not think about the future. And not.
Yeah. You can talk about the future.

Speaker 1 You can talk about your goals, but it's just more like you're going to have to let it play out.

Speaker 1 You know, the key to the relationships is showing up every day and saying, this is the person I choose to be with. And I'm going to do the most I can for this relationship today.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And hope that they, the other person feels matches that energy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I guess when you say that, because I 100% agree, um,

Speaker 2 I think obviously like conversation.

Speaker 2 And when you're like, I feel like we just often, me and my boyfriend, I mean, just get into like deep talks a lot. We're very like chatty all the time.
So, like, future goals do come up often.

Speaker 2 Um, and us talking about our future together. And there are times too when I catch it and I'm just kind of like, maybe we shouldn't be talking about this.
But, what, what is your advice for that?

Speaker 2 Because I don't want to be putting too much pressure on the relationship, but I also don't want to be shutting down just like natural conversation.

Speaker 1 Well, I just, I don't know. I think it's a balance.

Speaker 1 I just think there's a difference between like being intentional with what you want in a relationship as an early 30-something year old person who's like, hey, I'm

Speaker 1 not here to fuck around that much anymore. Like, I,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 not sure if you're interested in having children, but if you are, like, there's certain considerations you have to make as a woman that men don't.

Speaker 1 And that's normal versus, you know, obsessively trying to push a timeline or play house or speed things up because you're 30.

Speaker 1 And, you know, like part, like you talked about, part of the reason why your last breakup fucked you up so much, because like you said, that was a very transitional time in your life.

Speaker 1 And I bet that you win that relationship thinking, oh, this is it. This is it.
I found my person. And we moved together.
We're making big moves and we're making big life decisions.

Speaker 1 And then when it ended, it was early 30, late 20, it just felt like you lost four years, four pivotal years of your life, you know?

Speaker 1 um, and you never thought you'd be a woman who has to worry about her biological clock, you know, and then it feels like such a fucking trope or cliche or whatever.

Speaker 1 And it's just, and then we beat ourselves up emotionally by, you know, saying, Well, I never thought this would happen to me. And then, you know, you try to, you try to be different.

Speaker 1 And then you kind of, again, become a little bit more neurotic or intense. And then you force situations because you want to make up for lost time.

Speaker 1 And these are all the things I think you're dealing with.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 you got a shit ton going for you. You know,

Speaker 1 you look great. You know, you could be, you could have said, hey, I'm 24.
I'm like, cool. You know, I wouldn't have been like, oh, well,

Speaker 1 you know, like, no, I appreciate that.

Speaker 1 You're still young. Science is better than ever, you know, when it comes, you know.

Speaker 1 And you

Speaker 1 are one of the few people out there who it was not that hard to find something better and something you're really excited about and something that feels good.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's like, honestly, like, I'm it's fucking depressing out there, man. Like, it's people are just so disconnected.

Speaker 1 And men and women, when it comes to heterosexual relationships, have some incredibly valid gripes about the opposite sex.

Speaker 1 But none of us, no, no side is willing to like do anything about it or, or, you know, and and and the world today tells us that have we have every right to blame someone else for our problems um and it's a mess out there and yet you you know you you found a pretty good thing

Speaker 2 no i i totally agree with you i'm i'm so grateful like i i'm so grateful for him literally 99

Speaker 2 percent of the time and then i feel myself just like these moments and i i honestly think it's just like when i'm not not being nice. Like it's like obvious.
It's like, I feel it, he feels it.

Speaker 2 And I don't mean nice, like, oh, I'm grumpy. I'm like hormonal.
I mean, like, when I'm just like, ugh, like, you, like, you're like kind of drunk. I don't want to be around you.

Speaker 2 But he's not even like, he's so nice all the time. He's not being like, I've had exes that were very like reactive on alcohol or like

Speaker 2 mean.

Speaker 1 Sure, but

Speaker 1 that's normal. I don't know.
Like when I'm stoned, like I can know I piss off, like and I do something stupid when I'm stoned. Nelly's 10 times more irritated than me at me.

Speaker 2 But do you feel like, does it hurt your feelings?

Speaker 1 Hurt my feelings? No. Do I get frustrated at times?

Speaker 1 Can it feel a little naggy and a little like unnecessary? And does it feel like she's getting mad at me for not the thing I did, but like she's just making a mountain out of a molehill type of thing.

Speaker 1 Sure. Yeah.
It can feel like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. I think that's what I get nervous about because I don't want to drive him away because I'm like, what you said, like naggy or acting like

Speaker 2 I'm on this like, yeah. I just don't want to put myself on like a higher, like I like know everything.
And he's younger than me. And I don't want to.

Speaker 2 How much younger? He's four years younger than me. So he's 27.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, that's something you want to be mindful of. Yeah.
I'm very mindful of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's maybe where some of your fears come from.

Speaker 2 Totally. Yeah.
Cause we're the age, he's the age that, that I was when I broke

Speaker 1 my ex. Yeah.
And that, that is a risk. That's a risk.
You are dating someone. I mean, I don't know.
It's a risk I took.

Speaker 1 You know, I married someone a lot younger than me who, yeah, who, who I knew still had life to live that I had already lived. And I, I, I had to.

Speaker 1 be willing to let that play out, not knowing how, how that could have, you know, it's just by definition, my, my wife most likely was going to change more than I was going to change

Speaker 1 in our marriage or in our relationship.

Speaker 2 Well, isn't that interesting though? Cause I bet you have changed a lot.

Speaker 1 And maybe, right? Yeah, I hope that we've changed together, but you know, I'm just saying it was like a concern of mine and something I had to

Speaker 1 be mindful of. And you're going to have to still, you're going to have to challenge yourself to be good at allowing your partner to help you and to challenge and to push you.

Speaker 1 There's always a a power dynamic in any relationship and

Speaker 1 it changes a lot. And the goal is to try to have that power dynamic for the most part be fairly consistent.

Speaker 1 When I met Natalie, you know, like I felt very much, in a lot of ways, I felt in control, a lot of which was as a product of me being a lot older and kind of like, you know, my subconscious probably felt like I knew better or knew more, you know, you know, and I'm sure at times it came across as condescending.

Speaker 1 And that's kind of natural being older and that's something you have to be mindful of and it sounds like you are aware of it but um I am a lot of your fears maybe come from thinking he doesn't know better and I know better totally yeah like 100%

Speaker 2 and it's so stupid but I like when we first started dating I and and for a while I've kind of had this idea of like all things come to an end right like oh like we're gonna have fun or enjoy each other, even fall in love, and there's just no guarantee.

Speaker 2 And I was very like accepting of that. I was even in a relationship between these two relationships, and we broke up.
And I was, I handled it really well.

Speaker 2 It was like a very healthy breakup, but for some reason, I think I just love this guy so much. And so I'm just really scared.

Speaker 2 It's like I'm on, it's like I'm on this, like, I don't know, I'm just anxious.

Speaker 2 Like, I don't, I know that if we broke up, it would be like a complete disaster for me like i would not be okay but you would you would

Speaker 1 yeah i'm not saying it wouldn't be difficult i'm not saying you would have a couple real bad days or weeks or you'd you you would be okay

Speaker 2 maybe

Speaker 1 well i mean listen it you know if you tell yourself you're not going to be okay then for a period of time you won't be you know it's like for me when it comes to heartbreak The initial pain of heartbreak never gets easier.

Speaker 1 You know, it actually gets harder, right? Your first heartbreak, you don't even know what it is you're feeling. And it feels like the end of the world.
And the scary part about that is

Speaker 1 you literally don't know you're going to get over it because you've never even been in love, let alone knowing how to get over love. The initial heartbreak,

Speaker 1 when you experience it for the second or third or fourth time in your life, the initial pain is sometimes worse because it's like, not again. I'm older.
I can't believe this has happened to me again.

Speaker 1 How am I going to actually move on from that?

Speaker 1 You know, it's, you're kind of more worried about like the future, but what you do know is that you can get over it, you know, and so you can consciously say, I'm, I'm hurting now. I'm in pain now.

Speaker 1 I feel all these feelings, but I'll get over it. I don't know if it's a week from now or a month from now or two now, but I, I do know how to get over someone.
I already have done that.

Speaker 1 There's certain just like steps to getting over someone, right? Like that's, it's like anything else, right? So

Speaker 1 you, you can and you will,

Speaker 1 you know, and you just don't know what your, the future future holds for yourself.

Speaker 1 I mean, again,

Speaker 1 again, as a woman, it's different than as a man, biological clock, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like,

Speaker 1 I'm sitting here with you today talking. When I was your age,

Speaker 1 you could not have convinced me I would be where I'm in today. And that, like,

Speaker 1 you know, a guy who hosts a pop culture podcast talking about reality TV and Real Housewives and Bravo and like The Bachelor and like interviewing celebrities that I like saw on TV.

Speaker 1 It's like you you just never could.

Speaker 1 So instead of being afraid of the future and what you don't know, the better part of maturing about is just knowing how to, you, you have, you're developing skills to adapt and to be resilient.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I would, if I were you, I would embrace your resiliency and, and try to think about what, what allowed you to get over that very painful breakup and know that that is in your bag of skills, so to speak, you know,

Speaker 1 that if you ever need in the future, and maybe it's not, and maybe you'll never have to be emotionally resilient when it comes to your romantic life.

Speaker 1 Maybe he's your guy, but you're going to have to be resilient in other aspects of your life. There's other forms of heartbreak that, that aren't just romantic relationships.
Oh, yeah. You know?

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 No, I agree. I really appreciate everything you're saying.

Speaker 2 It's like, I feel like the advice that you're giving me right now is like what I say to my little sister, like every time we have a deep conversation, and it's so much easier said

Speaker 2 than done. And I know, like, what did they say? Like, talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend.

Speaker 1 Sure, but yeah, you know, you don't, you're, you're, well, I mean, you, you are invested in your little sister's outcome, I guess, to a certain extent, but like, you're more invested in the outcome of your life, and you're emotionally connected to your life.

Speaker 1 And your ego, you have a very loud ego, as we all do. And, and when you're talking to your sister, you know, you're not, you know,

Speaker 1 you're just,

Speaker 1 it's very pragmatic and

Speaker 1 you don't have to like, you're, you're, you're talking to me, hearing what I'm saying while you're still hearing voices in your head in a way, you know? Yeah. That's why it's easier to

Speaker 1 give advice than take it.

Speaker 2 Totally. I was listening to one of your episodes.

Speaker 2 And to be honest, I kind of forget which caller it was, but you said something along the lines of like, oh, like, you know, I have all these callers, they're listening to me in the moment,

Speaker 2 but then they take that advice however they want to, like, because we remember things the way that we remember them

Speaker 2 in our point of view.

Speaker 2 And then, so I was like thinking about that a lot while I was in the little waiting room, like thinking, like, okay, how am I going to take Nick's advice like very seriously and logically and not twist it in my head?

Speaker 2 Because I love doing that. But I think

Speaker 2 no matter what, I'm just going to struggle with like accepting my boyfriend in the moment of this.

Speaker 2 Like, I guess I just don't know how to get out of my head in those moments when he's reminding me of my ex. Like it just, I don't know how to talk to him about it.

Speaker 2 And when I have kind of talked to him about it, he, I think he thinks I'm saying he has a drinking problem, which is.

Speaker 1 Why are you talking to him about it? What's he supposed to do?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I guess that's, that's another question of mine.
Like, is, is there anything that he's supposed to do? Or is he like, should he be aware that I'm having these feelings? Because

Speaker 2 it's.

Speaker 1 I think there's a difference between having an awareness and communicating to your partner things that trigger you or insecurities that you have.

Speaker 1 But it's a fine line between I don't know if you need to like bring it up to him. And then especially if there's nothing for him to do about it.

Speaker 1 you know, because it sounds like as you workshop this problem in your head or talk with me about it, you're like kind of recognizing that, like, he doesn't have a drinking problem.

Speaker 1 And while he doesn't even drink more than me, he just has a friend that is struggling and he does enjoy spending time with that friend.

Speaker 1 And every once in a while, he might do something that irritates me, but it's definitely not a sign of any type of overconsumption or anything like that.

Speaker 1 So, like, bringing it up to him, I'm right now, it sounds like you're bringing it up to him, expecting him to like say or do something to make you feel better.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if he's not doing anything wrong, like, what is he supposed to say or do?

Speaker 2 I know. I think it's also like I am an over-communicator, like whether that's a good or a bad thing, like in every area of life, like work.

Speaker 1 Probably both.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I communicate a lot.

Speaker 2 And I, I feel like I always have this desire to explain, like, oh, this is why i was rude or this is why my document was late which is probably just the most obnoxious thing in the world but um

Speaker 2 but especially when it seems like my boyfriend's feelings are hurt and i feel like a dumbass i'm like okay i need to explain to him why i was like spiraling out a little bit When was the last time you said, I, you know, without an explanation, I was wrong.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I don't know if I've ever done that.
And give it a shot. I'm sorry, but let me explain why isn't an apology.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, it's, I'm sorry, you're mad, but I let me explain why you should be less mad. It's like, well, well, I don't, I don't even care about me being mad.

Speaker 1 I just want to know that you're not going to do this again. Totally.
You know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So when you're sitting there trying to explain to your boyfriend why you got triggered and why your frustration, how you treated him, what it, it's, you're, you're justifying your actions.

Speaker 1 You're explaining what he can do differently so that you don't feel that way, so that you don't do the thing that you had to apologize for.

Speaker 1 So in a very passive, aggressive way, you're kind of blaming him

Speaker 1 for the thing that you're apologizing for.

Speaker 1 Totally. Yeah.
Just be wrong

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 move forward.

Speaker 1 You know, totally.

Speaker 2 I think too, it's like, I have to, I just have to figure out how to like emotionally remove myself from a moment, if that even makes sense. Like I just need to not

Speaker 2 engage.

Speaker 2 The other night, he he does open mics. He's like, he plays guitar at open mics and it's the cutest thing in the world.

Speaker 2 But he came home kind of late, which really isn't a big deal. By the way, we don't live together, but we stay together quite often.
And he came to my place.

Speaker 2 And I am happy that he's out and about. I'm not like checking in on him.
I'm not like texting him, but it was the fact that he was drunk when he came over that irked me.

Speaker 2 And he was being so sweet. He didn't do anything wrong.
He was just telling me about his day and telling me about his night.

Speaker 2 But for some reason, I was like, oh my God, like, I think I said something like, dude, I just am not in the mood to talk right now. I just want to go to bed.
Like. We can talk about your day tomorrow.

Speaker 2 And I was like really short and rude. And I know that it hurt his feelings because he was excited about his open mic.
He was excited about it. And I was just kind of like, shut him down.

Speaker 2 And I was tired, but I was also just like annoyed. And I felt like maybe he shouldn't have been driving either.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Can you just say, like the next day, were you like, I'm sorry, I was so dismissive?

Speaker 2 I think I said something like, I was in a bad mood. Like, I apologize or some, I said something like that.
But I think like last night, he said something like, I feel like I'm being a bad boyfriend.

Speaker 2 And I was like, no, you're not at all. Like he was just feeling kind of like stupid.
Like I could tell he just felt kind of dumb. And I don't ever want him to feel that way.

Speaker 1 And I just, how often do you thank him or show appreciation or compliment him or make him feel good or just say, you know, every once in a while, just.

Speaker 1 I'm really lucky to have you and I'm grateful for having you. And I don't know, just I'm a big complimenter.

Speaker 2 Like I, it's my favorite thing to do is to like lift other people including him so i i definitely give a lot of compliments um

Speaker 1 it sounds like honestly part of some of your anxiety and fears is like the fact that like you said like he's the same age that you were when you started your you know and so you are a little older than him and you are in some ways maybe more mature than him

Speaker 1 and your and your boyfriend's still like at a stage of his life where it makes sense that he's still going out and staying out a little later.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that is a product of you having to accept dating a man who's four years younger than you. And,

Speaker 1 you know, and that's where some of the grace for yourself and for him. And so you, you need to acknowledge that is a choice you made.

Speaker 1 And you might have to like, at two in the morning, when he comes home a little buzzed, minus the driving aspect of it, bite your, bite your tongue.

Speaker 1 and recognize that you are in a bad mood and maybe you're not in the mood to deal and still deal deal and put on the happy face because like you chose to date this person and you are going to date this person both for their benefits and and accept their their shortcomings and the good news for you some of his shortcomings are a product of his age which actually might and probably will change as opposed to dating someone you realize you know like when i met nati i was like sorry to break it to you but I'm probably going to leave cabinet doors open for the rest of my life and do a bunch of dumb shit that's absent-minded, that's going to drive you fucking nuts.

Speaker 1 And it's almost certainly never going to get much better than it is today.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, obviously we all have like our annoying little habits.
I mean, I'm severely ADHD. I am all over the place all the time, like quite literally.

Speaker 2 So I know I'm annoying to deal with friend-wise, relationship-wise. So yeah, people have to be patient with me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, so listen, you're, as far as like, you're going to be triggered by your ex, you know, you sound like you ruminate a lot and overthink, which is fine, but like, just get better at doing that by yourself without projecting that on your relationship or your boyfriend.

Speaker 1 And when you're like, when you can tell yourself he's not doing anything wrong, it sounds like you're still treating him sometimes like he is.

Speaker 1 And that will, you know, and if you get frustrated at your boyfriend for things that he's not doing wrong and you're not even asking him to change anything, he's going to, and that's why he probably said, I feel like I'm being a bad boyfriend, right?

Speaker 1 Because you're, you're treating him a certain way and you're expressing a frustration, but you're not giving him a men are very solution-oriented for the most part.

Speaker 1 You're just like, Well, I don't know, I don't want you to feel this way, I don't want to keep doing what you're doing, but I don't even think you're even asking me to change anything.

Speaker 1 You're, you're, you're, you know, it's like, you know, you're not being like, I don't think you should hang out with Max anymore, right?

Speaker 1 You know, it's like you, that would be, you know, that would be like crazy because, like, you're not going to stop, you know, it's just like, yeah, and you're, and he's like, well, do you want me to stop hanging out with?

Speaker 1 I don't, like, is that what you're asking? I don't like, what? Am I supposed to? i don't what the like i don't like am i a bad boyfriend um

Speaker 2 yeah so yeah and he's so like he's he probably would i would never ask him to do that but like that's how he is so i if that's the case though then i think that that That's not a positive sign.

Speaker 1 That's not a green flag. That's a red flag.
That means that you hold a little too much power in this relationship.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, I honestly agree with that.
And that's why I think that's

Speaker 2 something that I'm trying to balance is like i am nervous that he would do too much for me and i like i care about him so much too that when i'm anxious about our our breaking up i actually am anxious about him getting hurt too it's like it's not just me and like

Speaker 1 i but you can't you can't can you you can't i know you have to let go of some of this control you have a control you you have a control problem um your heart is going to be broken in the future i guarantee it i don't know how i don't know why.

Speaker 1 You're going to experiencing, you're going to experience pain again. You're going to, you're going to feel

Speaker 1 victimized again.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But that's a guarantee. So just let that go.

Speaker 1 Accept it because you are doing a little too much. And

Speaker 1 it's so, you know, you're going to have to let go of some of that power that you think your boyfriend should have in this relationship because you're not letting them have it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I definitely, I mean, he also was like so sweet and was like willing to be on this phone call, but, and this is like another control thing. I was like, I just don't know

Speaker 2 what you're going to say or how you're going to be. And I was just like, I mean, he ended up having to work anyhow.

Speaker 1 But hey, you didn't let your, you didn't let your boyfriend come to this call because you were afraid of how he might make you look in front of me?

Speaker 2 No, to be honest, I would have let him be on. And I hate using the word let.

Speaker 2 I was excited at first when he was like, I will do it. But then when I was like, okay, like, like, what do you

Speaker 2 think about this situation? He's like, I don't know. We're just going to have a conversation.
And I'm like, well, yeah, that's good.

Speaker 1 But, like, well, I honestly think as much as I love a

Speaker 1 mediation, this is a you problem, not a we problem. Right, right, right, right.
I don't know what he's supposed to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he would have just been like a sweet little baby ange, just like sitting here.

Speaker 1 You got to stop talking about your boyfriend like that. Ugh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, he's not your sweet little baby.

Speaker 2 Sweet, sexy man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got to let go of some control. You can't make him embrace the power dynamic in his favor, but you at least have to allow him to the opportunity to take the shot, so to speak.

Speaker 1 You know, right now you're not passing him the ball. You're, you're kind of the ball hog.
Yeah. And you can't make him shoot.

Speaker 1 You can't make him like drive the lane, so to speak, but you have to pass him the ball and see if he has the guts to take the shot and take the lead. And

Speaker 1 part of your fear of heartbreak i think is you trying to control this relationship and and

Speaker 1 he's more malleable than and then

Speaker 1 as a a young man who who who is a well he's a well-intentioned young man it sounds like

Speaker 2 he is he's very well-intentioned he's he's incredibly sweet

Speaker 1 someday i don't know this man is gonna get older

Speaker 1 And he, whether, whether you let him have more power or not, eventually he's going to want more.

Speaker 1 And you're far better off to allow it happen rather than make him resent you for realizing you didn't let him have it. Totally.

Speaker 1 And that you were a little condescending and acted above him at times, where right now he's just kind of excited that he's dating a mature hot woman.

Speaker 1 He was older than him and he feels kind of like good about himself and he kind of likes that. But that will fade.
And event, and you have only been eight months.

Speaker 1 He's going to, every day that you're in in this relationship, he's going to feel more like your equal. Yeah.
And you're, you're, make sure he doesn't have to take that power back.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm so happy you're saying that.
It's, I do not want him to ever feel like that ever. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That would be terrible.

Speaker 1 Well, it starts by how you talk about him to yourself and to your friends and to others, because I don't think sometimes you even realize the things that come out of your mouth.

Speaker 2 No, that's true. I think also because I've dated so many like people who are just so opposite of him.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And opposite in like, he's the opposite in a good way.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 yeah, I definitely, I think I think of him as being like really innocent, which maybe accidentally turns into like naive in my mind, which is probably like you're saying, like very belittling.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, to say it like that is just, yeah,

Speaker 1 it's like he doesn't know better to be a dick. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or maybe he's just not, you know, maybe he's just not, you know, like, I asked him the other day if he's ever had a fight with his parents or his dad. And he was like, no, I've never, ever.

Speaker 2 Like, he's like, I would never do that. Like, what's the point? And I'm like, that's amazing.
Cause I've, I still fight with my parents to this day. So good for you.
Like, he's just very even keeled.

Speaker 2 Like, that's just his personality with everyone in his life. Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 I think you need to be open to, I don't, I'm being willing to bet that you you haven't mentally even been open to the possibility that you can learn a lot from your boyfriend.

Speaker 1 I think you have almost minimized his, what he brings to the table. And again, thought of it as like this sweet, innocent boy who doesn't know better or whatever.

Speaker 1 But like, I think you need to be open to the possibility that this, your boyfriend, who might be four years

Speaker 1 younger than you has a lot to teach you. And that maybe I think you should be open to like taking his lead and allowing him to lead.

Speaker 1 And, and, cause right now, like, yeah, you're too much, you're, you're too afraid of this thing going south that you've really taken control of this relationship and his, and because he is younger and because you're so kind of confident, you're just generally, you can tell a generally confident person, he's okay with you being in the lead right now, but that will definitely change.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, totally.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm really glad that it got to this point because I feel like I, I was trying to figure out like the root of the issue. So I definitely don't want that to happen.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be like this EO gross, like little naggy lady.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's less about you being a nag.

Speaker 1 You just have to, you, you, it's your, your big problem is control.

Speaker 2 And he's been through a lot. So I don't want to diminish him like down to his age.
Obviously, like.

Speaker 1 to an extent age matters but he he's been through so much um so i don't want to diminish that either uh i need you to try to compliment him on things that he has done for you like i'm yeah willing to i bet i'm willing i'm willing to guess that your compliments are more like

Speaker 1 i don't know like a mom child like you know it's like you put a a gold star on their fridge like not think you know like you're proud of your kid because but but but you you you know you could do it and you're complimenting him because he's doing the thing that you did four years ago and you're proud of him from learning.

Speaker 1 I want you to look for things to compliment him on. Things that you're like, you know, since I've been with you, you've taught me a lot about this.

Speaker 1 And since I've been with you, this is something you've helped me with. You know, how does he help you be your best self?

Speaker 1 I hate the phrase he helps me be a better person because that's entirely up to you. But does he make it easier or harder for you to be a better person?

Speaker 2 So much easier.

Speaker 1 And how does he inspire you? And those are the ways you should compliment him.

Speaker 1 Things that, you know, he doesn't doesn't get from you you're not proud of him that he's taking your advice like a parent would say to a child you're not proud of him because he's cute up on stage but you could say i don't have the guts to do what you do like open mic every like that takes fucking guts you're brave like honestly i don't know like that's i wish i had that and and and find ways to compliment him like that not some like it's cute that you do that like i don't know i think it's pretty fucking brave and cool and that bravery is going to like help in other aspects of his life.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm something I find really attractive about you is how much, you know, you have courage.

Speaker 1 Like, you're not a frit, you know, you know, you got to make sure you, you know, want to don't say it in a way that's just like, what do you mean, brave?

Speaker 1 Do I suck?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're good at complimenting him, but I'm willing to bet sometimes your compliments feel a little condescending.
And I say that as someone who has gotten that feedback.

Speaker 2 Yes, totally.

Speaker 1 For myself.

Speaker 2 No, I appreciate that a lot. That's such a good point.
Oh my God. Okay.
Well, so basically

Speaker 2 what I'm getting from this phone call, let me know how you feel, if this feedback makes sense to you, that I need to put more of my energy into like being thankful and grateful for what I'm learning on a day-to-day basis, what I see in him, why I'm actually with him.

Speaker 2 versus these things like his drinking habits.

Speaker 2 Like maybe I just need to really practice, like similar to practicing like looking in the mirror and complimenting myself, I can look at him and think of reasons why I love him.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You said you, you like to compliment people.

Speaker 1 You do that as a kindness and it makes you feel good to make other people feel better. I want you to focus on complimenting people from a place of gratitude.
Yes.

Speaker 1 You are grateful for what these people have done for you. And as a result, you want to compliment them on how what, you know, because you are grateful for what they've brought to your life.

Speaker 2 I love that.

Speaker 1 Not because it makes you feel better.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Or not just like something that I think is going to lift them up in the moment, but something I've actually put thought into.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because again, when you say that like that, it's like you're doing the kindness. Here's, I'm, I'm lifting them up.
I'm making them feel good.

Speaker 1 I'm inspiring them, you know, like, like, again, like,

Speaker 1 not like, wow, I've, you know, thank you. It's again, it's coming from a place of gratitude, not, yeah, not, um,

Speaker 1 not like you're helping totally okay how does he help you are you asking me or are you just wanting me to think it's a general thought i mean but yeah think about it i don't you know i'm sure there are lots of ways well lots of ways it's a son you know you just got to tweak your thought process a little bit you know and again it's a relatively new relationship but you know and the fact that you called it you you sense the disconnect so it's it's just

Speaker 1 you know

Speaker 2 but yeah i guess like it's like preventative like i just want to i i think there's there's like a balance and I am on the complete other end of the balance where it's like, oh, we live and we learn.

Speaker 2 And then I hyper fixate on what I've learned. And I'm, it's like I'm applying it way too intensely to this present moment instead of living in the moment.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because part of it is, again, it's control. Like you,

Speaker 1 you're hoping that you can learn from past mistakes to avoid ever feeling the mistake again. And that's not possible.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, I appreciate you so much.

Speaker 1 Thanks for calling in. Always

Speaker 1 good to hear a new

Speaker 1 unique situation. But like, listen, you have, it's a lot.
Sounds like you should be happy for and grateful for. And just again,

Speaker 1 Be mindful of how much control you need in any given situation. Allow your boyfriend to take more control or have more control, but you can't make him.

Speaker 1 You just have to let go of your control and see and pass him the ball. Just, it's passing the ball and shut the fuck up.
You know, it's not passing the ball and then immediately be his coach.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, I know.

Speaker 1 I do that. Well, just recognize it, you know? Okay.

Speaker 1 And then when it comes to complimenting him, you're not complimenting him as a coach or a parent and you're not doing it to make him feel good. You're doing it from a place of gratitude yeah

Speaker 2 yeah i want him to feel genuinely good about himself okay i appreciate it i'm gonna i'm i'm gonna be thinking about this all day and i'm gonna write a little list of all the things that i love about him uh maybe just think about it for an hour and write it down and then not again because you you

Speaker 1 stop obsessing hyperfixate okay Okay,

Speaker 1 I don't think this is an all-day exercise. It might be a five-minute exercise every day.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 I like that. A five-minute exercise.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
Okay. Well, thank you so much.
It's so nice to meet you. And thank you for your advice.
I'm, I'm, as you are aware, I'm going to really take it to heart.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I appreciate it. All right.
I appreciate you. Have a great rest of your day.
Okay. You too.

Speaker 1 Bye-bye.

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Speaker 1 How's it going?

Speaker 2 It's going well. My name's Megan.
I'm 26, and my boyfriend thinks that women's suffrage was a mistake, and I don't know if I should end it.

Speaker 1 Okay, what do you mean by women's suffrage?

Speaker 2 His exact words were that the 19th Amendment was a mistake.

Speaker 1 What's the 19th Amendment?

Speaker 2 The women's right to vote.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 And how serious do you think he is?

Speaker 2 We've had many conversations at length.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 1 what even caused you guys to even get to the point where he felt the need to say something as ridiculous as this?

Speaker 2 Yeah. So we were out with a group of friends getting drinks.
It was me and a bunch of our guy friends.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 briefly, the conversation about like, oh, would you be okay with like your girlfriend or whoever making more money than you kind of came up.

Speaker 2 And so that was already the tone of the conversation around drinks. And then I ended up talking to this guy who's more peripherally in the friend group.
I didn't know him very well.

Speaker 2 Turns out he's has some very conservative views. And he said that he's a proponent of the household vote that's kind of been floating around

Speaker 2 in some media a little bit.

Speaker 1 So I'm not familiar. What is the household vote?

Speaker 2 The household vote basically going back to there's one vote per household. So women no longer have the right to vote anymore.
And the man votes like for the representation of the vote.

Speaker 1 Where is that being floated around?

Speaker 2 I mean, I've seen it just floating around on social media and like in some news articles of some very far-right conservatives supporting this. Gotcha.
All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's, yeah, we just have to be careful to not, you know, that's the problem with the internet is sometimes the, the, the extremes on both sides, of which I'm terrified equally of both, have way too much of a voice.

Speaker 2 And because of the shock value of the extremes, they get brought up in conversations and yada yada anyways uh that being said your boyfriend sounds like he took the bait a little bit uh well so yeah so this guy said that so i turned to my boyfriend asking him if he believes in the household vote thinking it was going to be like a hell no response and then he said well i i think the 19th amendment might have been a mistake and then what did you say um i didn't really say much i kind of was just like, you really think that?

Speaker 2 And he was like, yeah. And then I actually ended up leaving.

Speaker 2 So I left left him there with everybody because i didn't want it to turn into an argument you know in front of the friend group out in public and thought it might be better to talk about it at home sure and then you did you yeah oh yeah we were up for hours that night talking about it and then again i'm curious how did how did i'm giving curious how did you when you came home if you remember how did you broach the subject or get the conversation started up again i mean i was like i think we just need to talk talk about what you said at the bar.

Speaker 2 Like, do you really think that women should have never been given the right to vote?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 And then he said, and he was like, well, it's a little more nuanced than that.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 You know, and then you said, and I was like, okay, so walk, walk me through your thought process.

Speaker 1 At any point early in this debate, did you ask him, what role do you see me playing in your life if we get married?

Speaker 2 Yes. So that came later after I had spoken to my therapist about this.
Okay. And that didn't go over very well either, to be honest.
Like he, he went over his beliefs in the conversations that we had.

Speaker 2 And then when we had a third conversation, that's where I started asking.

Speaker 2 I actually framed it as like, you know, knowing that you feel this way, you know, what are your thoughts on the fact that women can get college degrees and have like high power jobs.

Speaker 2 Like they can be doctors and

Speaker 2 and attorneys and do you just envision having a wife that's barefoot and pregnant like she's just a homemaker and having kids and that's what she does for you and he didn't really like that he got kind of defensive about me asking well if this is your belief you know how does that extend into other areas was that your version of asking what i asked you what do you mean well i asked you at any point in that conversation did you ask him specifically problem with sometimes conversations like this, right?

Speaker 1 And what the point I'm trying to make is this isn't about the 19th Amendment as far as you and your boyfriend are concerned.

Speaker 1 And this isn't about whatever radical conservative beliefs anyone else thinks or feels.

Speaker 1 This has your concern and why you're even thinking about breaking up with your boyfriend is you're wondering if these potential radical beliefs that your boyfriend may have, how does it apply to you in your relationship and how he treats you, Right.

Speaker 1 And like, what role does he want his wife to play? And what role, like, what kind of relationship does he want? And what kind of dynamic does he want in a relationship?

Speaker 1 Because sometimes when we have these conversations, it gets into the weeds. And at the end of the day, you just want to know,

Speaker 1 are you potentially marrying some like guy who's been radicalized by like, some dark web like red pill like fucking agro aggressive guys who like might have some weird fucking demands once you get married of his wife being potentially you, because that's your concern.

Speaker 2 That's my concern. And so I did ask him, like, if we were to be married, would you just want me at home

Speaker 2 having a bunch of babies?

Speaker 1 What did he say?

Speaker 2 That he, he doesn't, I, you know, I asked him, like, do you see yourself getting married? Do you see yourself having kids? What does that look like? And he didn't really have a great answer.

Speaker 2 It was kind of just like, whatever happens will happen.

Speaker 1 I don't really know.

Speaker 2 He's 33.

Speaker 1 What's his back? Like, what, what's his child what's his background like what's

Speaker 2 um tough family life which i think is contributing to him not wanting to commit to like i know i want a wife and kids okay how old are you again 20 20 i'm 26.

Speaker 1 26 he's 33.

Speaker 2 so where are we now i mean now things are just kind of weird i mean he used to he lives really close to me so he used to like stay over every night i've definitely taken a couple nights or i was like i just want to be by myself And the vibe's just kind of off.

Speaker 2 We've had a conversation about the fact that things are off, but I feel like we haven't fully dove into like, what are all of my doubts in the situation?

Speaker 2 Because now it's gone from just this statement or this belief about the 19th Amendment to like, are there all these other incompatibilities?

Speaker 1 Sure. I mean, did I'm assuming you asked, but like, does he like just generally have a less respect for women than he has for men?

Speaker 2 So I asked and I, you know, said that hearing that, you know, makes me feel like you might think that women should go back to being second-class citizens. I'm not sure I phrased it exactly that way.

Speaker 2 And we had a whole conversation because he's not disrespectful to me. I've never seen him be disrespectful to other women.

Speaker 2 I think he would give the shirt off his back to anybody who needed it, even if it was like a stranger. And so his behavior doesn't seem to align with this belief.

Speaker 2 And so he's like, why can't you just see me for my behavior and get over this belief that I have?

Speaker 1 Well, because

Speaker 1 it's a pretty radical belief. And if you really believe it and it's a hill you're willing to die on, then eventually it is going to impact your actions.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's my concern, even though.

Speaker 1 I mean, if it's not that big of a deal, and if it's he was saying it for shock value to piss off his girlfriend at the bars because he just felt like being a little toxic, that's one thing.

Speaker 1 But the fact that he's kind of like, no, I mean, I really kind of actually think this way, it's concerning. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I'm grappling with

Speaker 1 the way your boyfriend sounds, you know, it's just like, so why do you believe that? You know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he says if he read or found evidence to the contrary, he's open to his opinion changing, but all evidence points to it might have been a mistake in his eyes.

Speaker 1 Okay, so why? I mean, he's not here to ask, but why? What is his evidence that it might have been a mistake?

Speaker 2 He says things like

Speaker 2 men used to like listen to women's opinions more before they had the right to vote. So they actually had more of a voice before.
And then we get into the argument of like, maybe that's not the case.

Speaker 2 And just because they can state their opinion doesn't mean there's any power in that without a vote. And now like households are more divided between like husband and wife.

Speaker 2 And this is in like a very much like traditional husband-wife household kind of lens, but they're less united. They're not focusing on talking things through and coming to a mutual decision.

Speaker 2 It's more focused on partisan politics and maybe they vote against each other just to cancel each other out versus like having those conversations and being a united front.

Speaker 1 That's crazy.

Speaker 1 I mean, listen, like Natalie and I, we're not very political in general. We have very similar beliefs in a lot of things.
We don't talk about politics almost ever.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that we're not completely aligned on every topic, but we don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 And we very much, when it comes to our household, I like to think, I don't, I don't like using the words conservative or progressive because now, like everything else, it's become almost radicalized and triggering for people.

Speaker 1 But like, we very much focus on being a team and we very much focus on being a partnership, but like we just don't allow politics to dictate our, you know, policy, you you know, like, I know a lot of people out there and they might even be listening and say, oh, that's such a privileged, you know, way, you know, it's like a lot of people, you know, that's, yeah, maybe it does come from a place of privilege.

Speaker 1 But I, I'm, politics are not my religion. And I do think as, you know, I'm going on a bit of a tangent here, but I do think as human beings, we need a belief system.

Speaker 1 We need to believe in things greater than ourselves. You know, we need a purpose in life.
You know, what is that purpose? Right.

Speaker 1 And I'm not much of a religious person anymore. I grew up very religious.
I'm very familiar with a religious household. I'm comfortable with it.

Speaker 1 And unlike other people, I generally had a pretty positive experience with my religion. My reasons for not being very religious are just like, I don't know, I just, yeah, it doesn't really matter.
But

Speaker 1 my point is, we, us humans, we need a belief system. And we've replaced traditional religion with other things.
And one of it is being politics. People now treat their politics like a religion.

Speaker 1 Like it's, you know, you're going to burn in hell if you believe in one thing or the other. I think that's absurd.

Speaker 1 I think, you know, I think that we're worrying about so many things outside of our control and we need to worry about what shows up at our front door.

Speaker 1 And I think a lot of partnerships, boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, whatever, spend too much time arguing about things like politics for the sake of being a right.

Speaker 1 And they're wasting all that energy when they could just be taking better care of themselves and each other or their children. And it's not, it's not coming from a place of privilege.

Speaker 1 It's just coming from like, you got one life. Are you going to spend most of that life arguing with your neighbors? You can be involved.
You know, you can have a political belief.

Speaker 1 You can even stand up for those beliefs and debate people you disagree with. You can vote and you can do your part and it doesn't have to consume and control your whole goddamn life.

Speaker 1 And that doesn't mean you're just some privileged person who has the benefit of like, you know, like, and my dad taught me a very important lesson, you know, when I was, you know, a lot of time, you're right, it is all privilege.

Speaker 1 And a lot of people arguing about politics and a lot of people saying and criticizing other people who say things like, I'm not as political, they're privileged too for having that belief about the other privileged people.

Speaker 1 Because most of the time, if you have the benefit of arguing about stuff like this, that means that you're not worried about like how you're getting your next meal and if you can afford your rent and where your kids are going to get, you know, because most people out there don't even have the fucking benefit to argue.

Speaker 1 politics because they're literally trying to survive. That all being said, yeah, I don't know.
It sounds like your boyfriend's a bit radicalized or a bit lost, you know?

Speaker 2 And I can't tell the difference because maybe that doesn't matter. Yeah.
Cause like I was having a week where I was busy and stressed out.

Speaker 2 So like he's helping me put away my dishes that he didn't even use and he's taking my dog on a walk and he's doing things around the house to help me out, which I feel like kind of contradicts.

Speaker 2 I don't know, what you might expect from someone who thinks the 19th Amendment was a mistake. So it's just yes and no.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think it's a fine line.

Speaker 1 I think you could find a lot of incredibly conservative, almost radically conservative men who 98% of the time make some pretty great husbands and who are, who want to help and

Speaker 1 be and take care.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like if you're thinking more traditional men, it's just like a lot of what they do, it could be very positive in a sense because they are taking care of the people they love.

Speaker 1 But the problem with when it gets to the extreme, the problem is they're part of that belief isn't like they're taking care of the people they love because they love to

Speaker 1 they think they're taking care of people they love because the people they're taking care of can't take care of themselves and is he taking care of you because he he loves and respects you and thinks you're more than capable of doing all these things or is he doing it because it's his job and honestly you can't survive without him you know it's a fine line Yeah, I think in his case, I think it's more of the former, but I also feel like he's kind of overcompensating now because we've been having these discussions and we know things are off that I feel like he's almost trying too hard.

Speaker 1 There are certain just beliefs out there that are pretty messed up.

Speaker 1 And if you are serious about backing up messed up beliefs, it really, just because you haven't done it yet, doesn't mean I'm, it's okay to still believe in something as, as, as radical as what you're saying.

Speaker 1 You know, I guess I'm just confused. If you really don't believe it, why you will need to die on this hill?

Speaker 1 And if we're trying to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, you know, it's like, what are you trying to say that you're, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Because like, maybe it's not about the 19th Amendment or this radical, like, but what, what are you trying to say that you're using this argument to try to make that comes across as radical?

Speaker 1 But like, again, you, I've never, you know, I'm dating you and I never thought I'd be dating a radical conservative man, but like you're kind of sounding like one.

Speaker 1 So I'm just, I'm, I'm confused, you know? So like, what the fuck are you trying? What, what, you know, why is he dying on this hill?

Speaker 1 I don't, you know, like, is it for this being right like what why he's always been very firm in his beliefs

Speaker 1 you know i'd rather him tell me than hide it because he knows i don't like it that that's fair but like again like if you thought incest wasn't that big of a deal just because you haven't a sibling doesn't like make it not weird that you think it's not a big deal i honestly maybe maybe that that maybe that analogy will make him see what you're seeing.

Speaker 1 Just be like, okay, you could say, like, this is what I'm struggling with. This is why I'm having a hard time letting this go.

Speaker 1 Because you saying that feels kind of, I mean, I'm having a hard time adjusting it. And you're saying, well, I haven't, I don't act that way.
I don't do those things.

Speaker 1 So why are you making it about me? And you could say, well, if you told me you were okay with, again, using this kind of crazy incest, whatever, if I told you I didn't think incest was a big deal.

Speaker 1 And that like, I don't know, I just don't think it's that weird.

Speaker 1 And maybe people, we should allow siblings to like get married and have kids just because I didn't sleep with my brother, wouldn't that bother you knowing I believed that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that might be a good way to phrase it.

Speaker 1 Because that's how, yeah, and you'd be like, because that's kind of how you're sounding to me.

Speaker 1 And I, I, I don't know, I want to be with a person if one day they might real, I might wake up and realize that they voted against my right to vote.

Speaker 2 Because he says that he doesn't think we should take it away now, but I'm like, it worries me that you might think that if it were to ever come to that.

Speaker 1 But the fact that he doesn't think it's a non-negotiable is concerning.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What, what about like women only be allowed to vote and not men? How about that? Like if it's a household vote, like why, why not?

Speaker 2 He doesn't think that's the same. Yeah.
Why not? He doesn't think that's the same. Why not? He doesn't have a great response.

Speaker 1 I mean, like, men have started more wars than women ever have.

Speaker 2 He made a comment at one point about like women being more emotional than men, and that really upset me.

Speaker 2 Like, because we might be more emotional, we're going to make poor choices with our vote.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm ashamed to say that a younger version of me had thought that way about, not about this particular topic, but so that maybe there's just some immature ignorance on his part. I wasn't 33.

Speaker 1 I know that. I was more like 19.

Speaker 2 And that makes a difference.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But, you know, again, if he wants to make a silly argument, again, there are a lot of tropes and stereotypes of men that are,

Speaker 1 there's a lot of, there's a lot of truth to. Again, if you, you know, the emotional, like, it's like, well, how many wars have women started compared to men?

Speaker 1 Women are more emotionally regulated compared to like their, their egos.

Speaker 1 Men, you know, like what men have killed millions of people in the name of being right or feeling more powerful or, you know, being greedy.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 what about that? And the truth is, it's kind of silly for you guys to have this argument. And, you know, and that, that's what I want to know.

Speaker 1 It's just like, I want to know, if I'm you, I want to know why is this a hill you're trying to die on?

Speaker 1 Like, is it just about being right?

Speaker 1 And like, what, what point are you trying to make if any, if anything, you know, because like he needs to at least at a minimum for you to stay in this relationship, I think he needs to at least acknowledge that analogy, the fact that he is is condoning this thought process that it's concerning.

Speaker 1 from

Speaker 1 your point of view. Because whether it's now or later, he's describing a world that you want nothing to do with.
And you don't want to condone that type of

Speaker 1 radical belief. You don't want to live in a world where it's like women

Speaker 1 can't vote or are treated like second-class citizens. Would you want to walk around being like, yeah, you know, I love my wife, my girlfriend.
She just is weirdly okay with pedophilia.

Speaker 1 But other than that, she's pretty, she's chill. And by the way, just so you know, she has not ever victimized a child as far as I know, but she does think it's not that big of a deal.

Speaker 1 Like, would he, that, would that, is that what?

Speaker 2 Yeah, absolutely not.

Speaker 1 Would he be down for that?

Speaker 2 Like, probably not. And he'd come up with some reason why it's different.

Speaker 1 I mean, that doesn't make it so. Yeah.
I don't know. I mean, let's, like,

Speaker 1 you might have to break. I don't know.
Listen, either, either, either he really means it or he's too, he's too stubborn for his own good. And like, you know, this is kind of silly.

Speaker 1 And we don't even know how serious it is in a weird way. But like, it's weird.

Speaker 2 And if I mean, we've probably talked about it for like hours at this point, and he's not giving up his stance.

Speaker 2 He just, if anything, seems to think I'm misunderstanding because it's not as bad as I think.

Speaker 1 What am I misunderstanding? Because this is how I see it. And then you give him that analogy that we talked about.
Like, and then ask him what then that cut to my point.

Speaker 1 What is the point you're trying to make? And forgetting about, take, take, don't use political terms, forget about the 19th Amendment. What is the point you're trying to make? And why?

Speaker 1 And what's the outcome you're trying to accomplish? Like, you know, if he's just arguing for the sake of being right, then like you're, this is annoying.

Speaker 1 And all it's caused me to do is kind of think you're a different person or less of you just for, just so you can win an argument. Because

Speaker 1 I don't know. Maybe he's just so stubborn.
He needs to be right. That I wouldn't ignore this.
I definitely wouldn't let it go. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, and I think part of the issue now is just how he's responded to it. Like when I start asking, okay, what, how do you envision your life?

Speaker 2 Like, do you envision yourself getting married, having kids? What does that look like?

Speaker 2 He, he basically said that he finds that type of conversation to be completely unhelpful, but he's willing to have it if it's helpful for me.

Speaker 1 Does it relate to this argument or like as just as whole separate?

Speaker 2 I think in general, like he

Speaker 2 said that he prefers to just kind of figure out those thoughts and beliefs as you go versus like sitting down and actually communicating like, this is what I see my life looking like.

Speaker 2 He finds that to be unhelpful.

Speaker 1 Having goals, he finds unhelpful.

Speaker 2 I don't know about having goals, but.

Speaker 1 Isn't that what it is?

Speaker 2 I guess so. Yeah.
And so that's.

Speaker 1 Like, do you, what do you want? I don't know. Goals might change, but like, it's good to have them, especially, you know, like, what is it?

Speaker 2 His only goal is that he wants to be like extremely independent and like live on a farm and grow his own food. And like, I don't want to live on a farm.

Speaker 1 So why are you dating this guy? I mean, he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't even know if he wants to have kids or get married.

Speaker 1 He might be radical.

Speaker 1 And even his goal is a little radical. I mean, I'm all for like, as I've gotten older, I've, I, you know, I've always liked a busy city.
I've always lived in a city.

Speaker 1 Is now that I'm a little older, I, I, I've definitely enjoyed a more quiet life. That's cool.

Speaker 1 But like a 33-year-old man, all he wants to do is live on a farm and grow his own food in case, like, you know, the the radical left takes over. Like, that's how he sounds.

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, I guess that's that's kind of where I'm at now. Like, there's this

Speaker 2 issue, but it's now spiraled into like, I feel like there's so many incompatibilities popping up. But what I'm having a hard time with is he treats me well.
I enjoy spending time with him.

Speaker 2 And I'm just grappling with, you know, what's, is it worth it or not?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a tough situation, but treating you well is nice.

Speaker 1 Enjoying his, those are, those are good, but like, I don't, his,

Speaker 1 you guys have to want to set, you got it, you want to have to want the same things

Speaker 1 and maybe your non-negotiables aren't aligned i mean he's he's a pretty good boyfriend

Speaker 1 but you know i wouldn't waste these years on someone you're just not compatible with yeah

Speaker 1 you know so i think you need to i think to help yourself you need to do your part in the not needing to be right

Speaker 1 argument. You need to stop, you know, forget about the 19, I mean, it's a crazy conversation.
But what this conversation has done for you is made you question

Speaker 1 um and made you realize that you don't know if you and your boyfriend want the same things and you are still really young but at a very pivotal time in your life that you do not want to waste these these are great years 26 great years and you shouldn't waste it on on people who don't know you know you you might you know like yeah so like it's you just want to be mindful of that you know so you're going to change this conversation of like i don't are we compatible and just and and not throw it like an accusation just be like i don't know maybe we're not like you know just

Speaker 2 and do you know that you want to get married and have kids i know that i'd like to be married i'm very leaning towards the no kids side open to the fact that i might change my mind just as a general curios well i'm just generally curious is why

Speaker 2 I just I don't have this burning desire to be a mother. I have a dog.
I love being a dog mom.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I just, I was just curious. I just, I, I, and I don't want to seem like I'm, I'm not trying to push you in any one direction.

Speaker 1 It's just more like, there is definitely a, a, when I talk to younger people, this mentality that, like, what's the point? Because life is trash and the world's on fire. And

Speaker 1 that I hate for people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't think I come at it from that view.

Speaker 2 It's just like, I'm very career oriented and entrepreneurial and I want to travel and I just don't I don't see like oh I have to be a mother for my life to be fulfilling yeah awesome um it's like I don't know again

Speaker 1 it so then maybe in that department you guys are compatible because he doesn't know either but yeah I would just pose the question that it's just weird that he's very stubborn about this topic and it's it's a crazy it's crazy I've never I it's crazy it's alarming I don't I mean, I never would have asked him, I did not expect this at all.

Speaker 2 I never would have posed the question. I thought he would fully say that was crazy.
So I was not expecting that.

Speaker 1 I consider myself to be fairly moderate, you know, like I, I, I have points of view that I think are probably generally more conservative than others.

Speaker 1 And I have points of view that are pretty progressive. And that sounds fucking radical to me, man.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't, it's just like a crazy, if someone, I would just be like, what website were you on, dude? Like, what, what do you, like, who have you been listening to?

Speaker 2 You know, yeah, I don't know where he found this. I, I've talked about this with very few people, but that was actually a question my mom had.
And she was like, where is he reading this?

Speaker 2 Where is he getting this idea? And I have no idea.

Speaker 1 Because if I'm you,

Speaker 1 that's more of the concern. Because

Speaker 1 it came from somewhere. And why is he, who is he?

Speaker 1 Who are his circle of influence?

Speaker 1 Because maybe it's just like a petty flight now, but if he continues to consume or surround himself with the people who are planting these very radical thoughts in his head, then these radical thoughts for him will only become more normalized.

Speaker 1 And he's going to start maybe acting on them. I don't know.
But like, I would find out where this came from.

Speaker 1 And if he can't acknowledge that it's a radical point of view, even if he thinks he's right, then that's a, that's, I wouldn't let that go.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't think I could let that go.
personally either.

Speaker 2 Just like, it's hard to let go of all the good things.

Speaker 1 I don't know. No, I totally get it.
Yeah. It's just, listen, this is a very unique.
I, I, I'm kind of like,

Speaker 1 I'm like, I'm kind of wondering if you're fucking with me. No, I mean, I know there's very much not.

Speaker 2 I wish I was.

Speaker 1 Only because, like, yeah, you know, clearly talking to you, like, it's, I'm like, how did this, how did a woman like this end up dating a guy like that in the first place?

Speaker 1 You know, because that's what's coming.

Speaker 2 I never thought I'd be here. I'll tell you that, but I've thought that before.

Speaker 1 So, you know. The best thing you can do as far in terms of, you know, because ultimately you called in trying to get some clarity, right?

Speaker 1 And I don't know how much I offered other other than like commiserating with the shock of your situation is you try to have to, again, not make it about this political conversation or the 19th Amendment.

Speaker 1 And you have to try to not be accusatory or make him feel stupid, but generally curious as to why he thinks that way and push him when he says, well, I don't know, I just do.

Speaker 1 and get him to acknowledge, well, fair enough, but like that, that's the part that is concerning to me because this is how I hear it. And then give him that analogy.

Speaker 1 And if, if he just wants to be right, fine, but like in good conscience, you wouldn't want to date someone who thought

Speaker 1 blank was legal and vice versa. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 I've been kind of dealing with like, do I have this conversation right now or do I take a step back?

Speaker 2 Because I feel like I haven't had a ton of time to myself to like even process

Speaker 2 everything and think about like what I want. Do you think it's more beneficial to sit down and have that conversation first or to take a couple of days and then have it?

Speaker 1 I don't know if it really matters. I mean, what's the rush?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess there isn't a rush.

Speaker 1 You know, if you feel like right now, you know, processing that, I don't know, like, I guess if there's no reason to be hasty, then don't be hasty.

Speaker 1 And if you feel like you just kind of want to sit with it for a while, then sit with it.

Speaker 1 In the meantime, he clearly understands that you're upset about this and he has the opportunity to try to do something.

Speaker 1 And maybe that's why you want to sit and wait because you want to see if he's going to you know knock on your door and be like hey i'm sorry i was just kind of being an ass and i'm realizing that now and i don't actually think that way and and but i don't know if that's the case it's been a few weeks so i don't think i'm going to get that i think it's more of like am i either like eating working sleeping or i'm with him and so like my head's all

Speaker 2 like not clear on like are we even compatible in other ways take some time to think about that

Speaker 1 and you you know, that's the thing. That's, if there's a silver lining here, maybe it's raised some valid questions that you need to take some time to think over.

Speaker 1 Because what I'm hearing is maybe if you do decide to end this relationship, you don't want it to be over some random thing he said, right? Because that almost feels trivial.

Speaker 1 It's just like, and that's kind of how he's acting and saying, seeing it. Is this like, are we really going to break over this bar conversation?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I mean, his,

Speaker 2 he was talking to someone a while before he and I started seeing each other. And the reason they stopped seeing each other was because she disagreed with his political views so much.

Speaker 2 And so when this was kind of coming up, he was like, it's happening to me again. And I don't, I don't know if I want to just be like the number two on that list of girls, but maybe I need to be.

Speaker 1 Well, to me, that's like kind of a red flag. I mean, he's not seeing the problem.
If he's acting like a victim here, your views are radical, bro. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And most, you know, and then, you know, if you need to be around a radical person yeah well he's not going to find one where we live i don't think but he can try i guess if i decide to end it yeah well he he's clearly very stubborn and he is he's choosing to act like the victim in a situation where he's definitely not yeah which i think is a bit of a red flag that he's acting like victim yeah yeah all right okay All right.

Speaker 1 Well, take care. Please give us an update.
I need to know where this.

Speaker 2 Oh, I definitely will. Okay.
I listen to you every week.

Speaker 1 So I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 I definitely want to know what you end up doing.

Speaker 2 I'll let you know. Very fascinated.

Speaker 1 I'll let you know. All right.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much for your time.

Speaker 1 Bye-bye. Bye.

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Speaker 1 How's it going? It's doing good. How are you? Good.
What's your name?

Speaker 3 Jen.

Speaker 1 How old are you, Jen?

Speaker 3 33. And how can I help? Well, my question is, is it time to cut off my deadbeat baby daddy for good?

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, he is your baby daddy, so I don't know how much, you know, he's kind of in your life for a while, but romantically, I'm assuming you're meeting?

Speaker 3 No, not romantically. We, I ended things like officially in 2019 due to things I've found out that he's done.
His character just isn't the greatest. And there's a lot that came out.
Like what?

Speaker 3 I've never even heard a caller like say anything along the lines that I found out stuff that he's done.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 do you want me to give you some examples?

Speaker 1 If you're comfortable with it, yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, for one, he tried to have sex with my sister in my car on Mother's Day. We like went to the beach the whole day and then it was a good day.

Speaker 3 And then afterwards, he went to the gym and then he was supposed to get ice cream at the store after the gym for Mother's Day. And then he called me at like 10 p.m.

Speaker 3 and then didn't come home till like 2 a.m.

Speaker 3 And come to find out my sister has been going through some stuff and he ended up, he hasn't really been talking with the family. And then come to find out he ran into her that night.

Speaker 3 And then they went in my car. And I don't know, that's a whole thing.
That's a whole nother story. Another thing is

Speaker 1 did your sister do any like, was she immediately like, no, don't, or like they messed around?

Speaker 3 So my sister was like into some drugs at this time. She's a lot better now.

Speaker 3 We were rebuilding our relationship, but at the time, she was like MIA from the family. So about a month after that happened, she messaged me.

Speaker 1 So it feels like your, your ex-husband really took advantage of her weaknesses.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. He definitely did.
I don't know what happened. I don't know.
My sister told me all this stuff and I I didn't believe her because I'm like, you're drugs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 3 But it was true. It's come out that it was true.
Another thing that he did, he missed Thanksgiving one year. And

Speaker 3 also, we were never married. Thank God.
But anyways, he missed Thanksgiving one year. And then I went through his computer and saw that he was posting Craigslist ad seeking sex on Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3 Not that it matters like which day, but like that was just like a damn, you know.

Speaker 1 He loves the holiday.

Speaker 3 He does. And those just add a little like feet, you know? I've never heard any caller talk about these things where I'm like, this is weird.

Speaker 3 You know, another thing when I was pregnant with my son, you know, I was wanting him to kind of like, you know, when we hooked up, like, I wanted to go down with me, whatever. He would refuse.

Speaker 3 And he was like, no, that's, you know, you're pregnant. That's disgusting.
Anyways, now, you know, fast forward, I'm not pregnant anymore, but he goes out with his friends. When does I find out?

Speaker 3 He hooks up with a pregnant woman in his truck that I fucking co-sign for. Not that it matters, but I, you know, and

Speaker 3 I got him a truck for Father's Day. And on top of it, he did drugs with her.
And he felt some remorse and he wrote himself a letter. And I found the letter.

Speaker 3 And in the letter, it was like, I don't know why I did this. I don't even know what kind of drugs we were doing.
She was pregnant.

Speaker 3 I went down on her, which by the way, he refused to do with me forever. I thank God we didn't have sex and stuff like that.
I'll have the letter if you want to play.

Speaker 3 And then another thing is he went to California and he has a cousin that's gay, which they're close which is cool he was staying with his cousin when he came home i clearly had trust issues for multiple of reasons um so i went through his cousin's text messages just to see like oh you know guy talk like did he hook up with someone whatever and i just was flattering by what i read i was like not expecting this but apparently his cousin texted him at like three in the morning saying they were at a party and they're like hey bro want to have a threesome and i want to massage you can you come in the room and i just was like i out of all of these things, the one that I left him was my sister.

Speaker 3 You know, I ended up staying for the other ones because I'm an idiot.

Speaker 3 But when I found out about my sister, that was 2019. And we, I had a relationship.
So those are just a few things.

Speaker 3 This is like, that was up to me. I know.
And I've never heard a caller talk about it. Your podcast has helped me tremendously, by the way, when it came to all this stuff.

Speaker 3 I like want to thank you for that because you've got me out of a horrible relationship.

Speaker 3 And all of the stuff that you say for finding a new one has helped me find the most amazing person I could ever ask for.

Speaker 3 So it's new to a lot of your podcasts oh thank you for saying it okay so what i'm hearing is your baby daddy is a mess thankfully you're finally out of it it sounds like you're even in a better relationship now so what what are you you know you started by asking if you could should cut off your baby daddy like what does that look like and you know like what specifically are you considering doing i just feel like i'm glad you let me talk about the things he's done just give you a little idea about his character because i know you say not to like judge people's character and stuff but like that to me is just like he's just has issues like he's just you know clearly um and i'm just point where he's also never helped so even when we were together you know even after the fact we'll just say after the fact he's never helped emotionally financially physically just he doesn't help he's never helped he's never i've never filed for child support i think in my head i'm just like i would rather have the peace of like not dealing with it to make because a judge could you know he might fight me since he cares more about money than him than anything else He always says he would fight me since I make more money than him for custody and all this stuff.

Speaker 3 So I've never filed, but I've asked him like, hey, I just paid for his football. It's 450.
I just paid for his basketball. It's 300.
I have to go get this. It's, you know, X amount of money.

Speaker 3 He's never giving me anything. So I just, and then he only saw him every two hours, every Thursday, but it's like, my son doesn't want to go see him.
you know, and he's old, he's getting old.

Speaker 3 So he's like nine years old and he's getting to the point where he can just, he's not stupid, you know, he can feel the vibes of him and he's just not a good person whenever i forced my son to call him the last conversation my he was basically telling my son that his brother is moving and that this is the best thing he could ever do and then he said the best thing that he ever did was move to utah which was years ago and he only moved for like two months and came back but anyways he said that was the best thing he's ever done and then my son goes over having me And then he goes, yeah, sorry, but that's, but it's true.

Speaker 3 And that hurt my son. And he started bawling and he said, I hate you, hung up the phone.
Then my boyfriend came home from the gym who has stepped up as a father, by the way, in every way.

Speaker 3 Like he's basically the father. And they and asked him to adopt him.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 And that was crazy. And I, but I mean, it was sweet, but also sad.
He, he refuses to call my phone to co-parent or anything to talk.

Speaker 3 He got my son this gizmo watch and he only wants to talk through this gizmo watch. And he basically wants Jack to call, talk to him through this watch.
But can I show you the last thing

Speaker 3 my son sent to him? Sure. He did a voice memo and I went through it.
I didn't know my son did this because he hurt him when he said that conversation.

Speaker 3 My child's father hurt him when he said when moving was better than having you. Sorry, but it's true.
And that hurt my son a lot. And so now he will text my son like, oh, hi, thinking of you.

Speaker 3 Hi, missed you only on this watch. And then.
My son responded and said this to him. Hopefully you're able to hear it, but this is what he wrote or said in a voice note.
Did you hear that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll call you when you admit that you hurt me.

Speaker 3 And then after that, he doesn't respond for a week. And then he goes, Fuck you, thinking of you.

Speaker 3 That's it. Doesn't call.
And then you say, Thinking of you, here for you when you decide to call. Hope you're doing okay.
Just random textes. That's like, dude, he just said, admit that you hurt him.

Speaker 3 You know? And so I'm just at a point. Like, and on top of that, Nick, he's never gone to a school conference, not one.
He doesn't go. And my son has ADHD.

Speaker 3 And the principal emailed me and him, the C-seed of a behavioral specialist,

Speaker 3 the teacher, the counselor, because my son's been talking to the school counselor, and they wanted to have like a specific appointment just to help my son with, you know, his ADHD.

Speaker 3 He's doing fine, but just he's, he needed to, we need to figure out some stuff, which we did. And he didn't respond to one email.
He didn't come to the conference. Nothing.
Just doesn't ask, nothing.

Speaker 1 So let me, yeah, so we've established that your

Speaker 1 ex and father of your child is an absolute loser. So we got that.
So yeah, I completely empathize with how you're feeling.

Speaker 1 So one is your son, let because to me, he's the biggest concern in this equation, right? Obviously yours too. Yeah.
And he's obviously old enough and self-aware.

Speaker 1 And I'm pretty proud of him for setting that boundary with his dad. I don't know where he got that from, but that's pretty cool.
Oh, you know,

Speaker 1 but like, have you looked in any type of child psychology to like just he's in one.

Speaker 3 So he, and you know, what's interesting is he asked to talk to one and i will thank you because you've helped me set boundaries and then he watches me and i think that's why he's doing that and i'm really proud of him i will say he he asked to talk to a counselor he asked to talk to a psychiatrist like so he's talking to people you know and he's very aware of her trying to spend that i was like i'm just at a point where i just like everyone's in my ear like file for child support file for child support and at this point after what he said i kind of want to just because i like he owes probably so much money But then the other part of me is like, should I just keep it as it is?

Speaker 3 And just like, cause like he cares more about money. Like, I don't want to fight.
I don't want to go to court. What if the judge?

Speaker 1 So my response to that is like, this is definitely a big case of making sure you're happy and not right. Right.
Yeah. Do you understand your rights?

Speaker 1 Like, have you spoken to a lawyer who specializes in custody cases?

Speaker 3 I haven't been one-on-one with a lawyer, but one of my, I own the business and one of my clients, he owns a firm. And so we've had like multiple conversations.

Speaker 3 Just, I asked, you know, asked, asked him about it, and he would give me some advice on some situations. He basically said about the adoption and stuff.

Speaker 3 And if I did file, it would probably be good because he probably won't pay. And then we have more of a chance of my boyfriend to adopt my son.

Speaker 3 But I just like, don't know what the right thing is to do. You know, I just don't know.

Speaker 1 Well, I think right now, the first thing you need to do is, I'm glad you got some advice from someone who seems to know a little bit about this, but I would just go meet with a lawyer who specializes in this and fully understand your rights.

Speaker 1 I doubt your baby daddy has done that, right?

Speaker 1 So he's just making threats to you to try to scare you to, you know, whatever, but like you need to fully understand what you can do and what you can't do, what is available to you, what risks are, you know, what risks might come up by you taking certain actions.

Speaker 1 I just want you to understand your risks and your rights, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah. And I did actually talk to an attorney on the phone for an hour, but, and he did go over stuff, but we didn't really go over a lot of the risks.
And like, there's a lot more to it.

Speaker 1 I feel like I did know. You know, I'm glad you've already talked to people, but you're here like, Nick, what should I do? What's the right thing to do?

Speaker 1 And we can sit here and talk about the moralities of this decision, but this is bigger than just like what, you know, the morality of the choice.

Speaker 1 You need to, you know, first you need to protect your child, you need to protect yourself. And so, and to do that, you need to understand your rights.

Speaker 1 And the good thing you have going for you is I doubt, based off what you're telling me about your baby daddy, he sounds like a loser.

Speaker 1 And most losers aren't smart enough to like, you know, understand their rights.

Speaker 1 And he, and if he doesn't have a means to like, you know, if he's kind of a loser when it comes to money, yeah, he just, he probably doesn't know.

Speaker 1 So you getting ahead of it gives you advantages that, you know, he you would otherwise not have.

Speaker 3 Yeah. He just always threatened to fight me and say that I'm going to have to pay him child support since I make more money than him.
But obviously at this point, I'm not scared of that.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's true or not true, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, maybe it's true. Maybe it's not true.
But yeah, I mean.

Speaker 3 That's my fear, though. Like, we go, because I feel like he would fight because he doesn't fight now.
So he clearly doesn't care. But when there's money involved, I feel like he will.

Speaker 1 But again, that's why you need to, that's why you need to understand your rights because you and I are just sitting here guessing about hypotheticals and things we don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you need someone who just fully, all right, here are your options. If you do

Speaker 1 A, you know, here are the advantages. Here are the risks.
If you B, advantages, risks. C.

Speaker 3 Well, the the what one of the risks the attorney did say is if i do file he could fight and that he could potentially have like been like every other weekend or something and that's my concern that's a risk to me because i don't want i think it's better my son not to be around him at this point you know like that to me is a risk i'm like do i i don't care i care more about my son's peace than the money so so what are you considering doing I don't, I don't know.

Speaker 3 This is like such a big, I honestly feel like I just want to keep going as is.

Speaker 3 And I guess a part of me wants to file because I'm angry, but the other part of me is like, do I just let it go and just let him keep doing what he does?

Speaker 3 Whatever that is, he doesn't, he's not a father, you know? And then I just, I don't know, I guess I just don't know if it's time to cut him out and not like, it's like, do I force my son to call him?

Speaker 3 Do I not force my son?

Speaker 1 You know, like, I would defer to your, your child psychologist, but my very unexpected opinion is, yeah, I definitely wouldn't like. Your kid seems to be old enough to set boundaries for himself.

Speaker 1 And I think, you know, a lot of parents in your, in your situation, you know, I can empathize with why, will project their, their bullshit onto their kids and fight with their exes through their kids and use their kids as a way to get back at their partner.

Speaker 1 I'm not sensing that from you.

Speaker 1 I'm sensing you're almost still trying to do the right thing, even though your ex hasn't given you any reason for you to try to do the right thing.

Speaker 1 So if your son doesn't want to talk to his dad, I would respect your son's boundaries.

Speaker 1 You know, I would also like acknowledge that your son has the right to feel how he feels and that he's okay to feel that way. And as sad as it is, he's also not alone in how he's being treated.

Speaker 1 You know, sadly, you know, just he's not the only, sadly not the only child with a, with a parent like this.

Speaker 1 You know, you don't want to make sure he doesn't feel like there's something, you know, it's his fault or he did anything, you know, and just making sure your son. is okay.

Speaker 1 And then whatever your son wants to do.

Speaker 1 Now, your big concern is like if when your son, if and when he wants to maybe give his dad a second chance that you don't think he deserves, and does he gonna want a second chance with his dad and make and put him like as a 15, 16 year old young man, will he be more vulnerable?

Speaker 1 You know, I don't know, but like right now, it sounds like your, your, your son has a pretty good head on his shoulders and he's got you. And thankfully your boyfriend is,

Speaker 1 you know, is doing a great, you know, job of playing the role he's playing. But I would just, yeah, I mean, my only, my big advice to you is just don't do anything petty.

Speaker 3 And don't force him him to call if he doesn't want to.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And what's your motivation to potentially force him to call?

Speaker 3 I don't know. To be honest, my boyfriend thinks I had Stockholm Syndrome

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 that not anymore. But even when me and my boyfriend got together, like I would make excuses and I don't know why.
I don't, I honestly don't know why. I, for so long, tried the relationship to work.

Speaker 3 I tried to understand my ex so much. I tried, I would do things like what you said instead of like coming at them, like, just like talking in a way of like, just trying to understand him.

Speaker 3 Like, why did you do this? Like, what should is what's going on in your head?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's you, you, at this point, you trying to understand him is you trying to understand yourself.

Speaker 1 Like, you, you know, when you told me the story of all the crazy shit he did, you had to acknowledge that most of those things weren't enough for you to leave.

Speaker 1 It took him trying to hook up with your sister to want to leave. So there's probably a lot of shame or embarrassment or whatever that you're feeling about your choices.

Speaker 1 And then it's easier to like explain his actions because if you can justify his actions, then you can justify yours. That's just my guess no for sure

Speaker 3 yeah it's a lot and i just i don't really know i'm just at a point where you know i just am so i just don't know the right moves and i'm trying to take the steps to do it but like cutting him out is what i would if in my perfect world i would like cut him out have my boyfriend adopt my our son because he's been head to every appointment a school a conference since we were together so we've been together since 2022.

Speaker 3 My son was six. He's been and he's going to school for nuclear engineering and he's going to be graduating in two months.

Speaker 3 And since my son is also seeing him in school and doing this work, like he loves school now, you know, we had such a problem in school before.

Speaker 3 And since he's came into our lives, his grades went from like F's to Bs, you know, and I just feel like he's such a better dad and he has the, he can actually like, he's earned that role.

Speaker 3 But then to actually go through with it just seems like a lot, you know, to change his last name and to not cut his dad out. But I really don't, he doesn't even talk to his family.

Speaker 3 His sister just got married and he didn't go.

Speaker 1 So I had to talk to his mom talk to his sister meet up with his sister why are you doing that still i don't know i this is when my boyfriend tells me that too and i i think it's just it's his family you know that's his family too if his grandma and aunt or whatever wants to be involved in your son's life and they're proactive about being involved in your son's life then great then if you feel comfortable and safe and you think they're genuinely good people then you can allow that to happen i don't think you need to be going out of your way to make sure that he is.

Speaker 3 Okay. Yeah.
No, that makes sense. It's hard for me and I don't know why.
I think I just have like a heart, like, you know, I care about my son and I want him to have these relationships.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but like, you know, I don't know, like, how many, how many people are like that close with their aunts and uncles?

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, I know.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 3 yeah. But he's nine, so it's like, I don't know.
And it was his aunt's wedding, you know? So

Speaker 3 my ex, you know, even told me his sister was getting married. And he just talked so down, even on the phone, the last conversation they had, he's talking down about his family to my son.

Speaker 3 And it's just like, I just don't think that's good for my son to hear these things.

Speaker 3 And I'm just trying to be that person that's like, says your family, like, I'll make sure that you, you know, I got you.

Speaker 3 You know, but you're right. I won't go out of my way to like, for them to have one.

Speaker 1 You have some, are you seeing a therapist?

Speaker 3 No, I did. Your podcast has been therapy for me.

Speaker 1 I get it, but I'm not a therapist and I appreciate you saying that. And I'm glad you find value in it.
But like,

Speaker 1 you clearly have some stuff to work through and unpack and you're doing a good job and, you know, and you have great intentions, but like you have some blind spots and that we all do.

Speaker 1 And, you know, don't ruin a good thing by putting too much pressure on your boyfriend.

Speaker 1 He's not your therapist and he's already doing a good job of playing the role as a dad, even though that's not, you know, his biological son.

Speaker 1 And that, you know, I'm sure, I'm sure your boyfriend gets a lot of value. I'm sure your son has brought a lot of value into his life and you've done the same.

Speaker 3 But I'm just saying so much value.

Speaker 1 Be careful of ignoring the help you need and then and then assuming that you're getting in other aspects of people who aren't qualified to give it.

Speaker 1 You know, I wouldn't want your boyfriend to ultimately just feel a little overwhelmed by this what feels like a, you know, I'm sure your ex feels like a virus or this fucking just disease that won't go away as far as he's concerned.

Speaker 3 He's like a, yeah, he's like elite.

Speaker 1 And if I were to lie to you, but I don't think you're realizing how much you bring up your ex's drama to your boyfriend out of this guilt that you feel of making sure that your son still has a normal childhood.

Speaker 1 And this kind of making sure he calls his dad, who's shown time and time again, to either hurt your son with his words or give him terrible advice or just kind of insisting he has a relationship with, you know, his side of the family.

Speaker 1 Again, if he wants to, great. If they're proactive, great.
And they'll say fine. But like,

Speaker 1 it's, I'm getting the impression that you're doing a little too much and you're not sure what's the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do.

Speaker 1 And I think that's where maybe a therapist can just, you know, someone to check into and who, you know, might help you workshop these things. Cause honestly, like, I just don't know if it's if.

Speaker 1 If your boyfriend's doing most of the emotional regulating for you, it just like, I just, I would be careful not to

Speaker 1 put it all on him.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, and I have, i've been a lot better um the beginning of our relationship was a lot worse and i do feel like i have finally let go like maybe like six months ago it took that long just to like not even care about my ex's feelings and that is a little strange to me like why did i care like why do i you know i don't know it's a great question but i am letting go like i officially feel like if he was i'm and i'm pregnant now and i'm four months and i feel like since my ex found that out too like he has been a little bit more aggressive with jack what do you mean by aggressive like he's like the last last conversation, he just seemed to be more like, he doesn't care that he's hurting his feelings.

Speaker 3 And then he told my son that I bought him a PS5 for his birthday. And he was like, on the last conversation, he goes, you don't deserve a PS5.
And so now my, he randomly goes, I don't deserve this.

Speaker 3 I don't deserve that. And I feel like he doesn't feel like he's deserving.
And I'm like, you are deserving, honey. Don't let him tell you you're not deserving.

Speaker 3 And I tried to tell my ex, what you said, he doesn't deserve this. Watch your work.
It's like, you know, it's not.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, like, you're wasting energy trying to like lecture your ex or like coach your ex. I mean, he's clearly not a good dad, not even a good person.
He wasn't a good partner.

Speaker 1 He's not even a good sibling or son. He's just kind of a loser.

Speaker 3 No, and at this point, they haven't talked for a month and a half. Besides these stupid messages, he says, I'm thinking of you randomly.
And that's where I think I feel bad.

Speaker 3 He messages him on this one as watch. And he refuses to call my phone, though.

Speaker 1 I mean, have you told your son you're really proud of him for setting this boundary?

Speaker 1 I'm good. Just keep doing that.
It's just like, you know, it must be really hard to hear your dad say those very mean things that are not true.

Speaker 1 And I'm just really proud of you for standing up for yourself. And that's very brave of you.
And like, that's, yeah, I don't even know if I could have done that when I was your age.

Speaker 1 You know, again, like be there to. So we praise him.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.
And I think the counseling has helped him a lot too, because he's very like aware of his feelings.

Speaker 1 I just think you need to do and take your son's advice. Follow your son's lead.
Your son was brave enough and mature enough to recognize that maybe he needs some help.

Speaker 1 And I think right now you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and you got a lot of good things going on.

Speaker 1 But when it comes to your ex-husband or boyfriend or whatever, you're kind of spiraling a little bit and you're pregnant. And like, I was, I just don't want you wasting an ounce of energy on this guy.

Speaker 3 If nothing changes, do you, this is like a kind of separate question. Do you think it would be wrong to have my boyfriend adopt my son if this if he's continuously doing the cycle of hurting him?

Speaker 1 No, I mean, what you're describing, like, again, I don't understand the legal ramifications.

Speaker 1 And I know that like all this can be just very messy, but like, it doesn't sound like your son's dad deserves to have any access to your son.

Speaker 1 And it sounds like he puts, you know, all he does is put your son in at risk. And I think he doesn't deserve the right to have access to his kid.
I think he's dangerous.

Speaker 1 That's my opinion, based on what you're telling me.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm glad you're telling me that. I honestly didn't know what your advice would be.

Speaker 3 Like, I had two other questions I wanted to ask, but I decided not to, but I already kind of knew what you were going to say, to be honest. But, but this one, I genuinely didn't know.

Speaker 3 So I appreciate it. It does feel like I know the right thing to do, it's just hard to do, I guess.

Speaker 1 You know, as far as like, I, you know, I think you're right, though. I think the things that matter, it sounds like you have a lot of those things going for you.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if the legal system makes your boyfriend and the father of your

Speaker 1 child you're growing inside you right now makes him any less of a dad to your nine-year-old son because the because of what the courts say.

Speaker 3 I don't, yeah, no, 100%.

Speaker 3 But because the way what the attorney basically told me is because he hasn't been present or he does never pay a child support for one, that's a big one.

Speaker 3 We don't need his approval for my boyfriend to adopt him. We can take him to court and the judge would probably sign off that it's okay.

Speaker 3 But that's where like all these other people like file for child support. But part of me just doesn't even want to file for it.
It's like, I don't even want.

Speaker 1 Well, I would definitely not do anything you don't need to do just for the sake of being right or petty or to get back at him and if you don't need the money

Speaker 3 asking for this guy's money puts you or your son at risk i definitely wouldn't do it okay here thank you for saying that you're like the only person in my life to say that me and my boyfriend are the only ones that are like let's maybe like look into everything before because we want ideally when he asked them to adopt him like first of all my heart shattered like for great it was sad but also like the most amazing thing like their relationship is he's the best person and i truly like want to thank you a lot because i know a lot of it was me but like your podcast just helped me so much, you know, just the things when even when dating, you know, like dating was the whole thing.

Speaker 3 And then finding my boyfriend and the right boundaries to say for what I want. And then I just feel like it's all, it's really all worked out great.
And your podcast has been a huge help.

Speaker 1 So I really, I really appreciate you saying that. It's very kind.
But just give yourself credit. You're doing good things.
I really think you should look into some therapy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just try it. You know, it's not like, oh, you need therapy.
You have like, you, you're all fucked up and and you need some work, but like, you just, you need to get things out sometimes.

Speaker 1 And if nothing else, I want you to like not have it just be you unloading on your boyfriend about your ex-boyfriend all the time.

Speaker 1 And I'd like, you know, or friends, you know, like, yeah, like, we can't do this all the time. And that's why you should get a therapist.

Speaker 1 But like, you know, I'd, I'd rather have you get this out with me than just exhaust the people who have heard it over and over.

Speaker 3 Well, I did have one though, just so you know, I did have one.

Speaker 3 And we also, that therapist told me, they're like, literally, they're like, we've never told anyone what to do but leave him that's what he said he literally looked at me and said leave him and that was when that was going on with my sister thing but then i saw him a couple more times and then we stopped but well you can go stir it up again and you can find someone else and like it's just Yeah, taking care of your mental health.

Speaker 1 I mean, I know that's like, it's like taking care of your physical health. You sometimes you, you, sometimes you're pretty active at the gym or pretty active.

Speaker 1 You hire a trainer and then you stop using a trainer and then you realize maybe I need to use it. You know, like same thing with like a therapist.
It's not a cure-all.

Speaker 1 It's just, it's just maintenance, right? And I think it's also just a way to alleviate some of the stresses, anxiety, and pressure that like, you have to get some of this shit out is kind of my point.

Speaker 1 And I just would like you to get it out in a very healthy and productive way as opposed to a toxic way.

Speaker 1 And if you're not dealing with it in a healthy way, you're just at risk of it coming, you know, at some point, you're just going to have to get this stuff out.

Speaker 1 and you're going to have to work through it.

Speaker 1 And I just, you know, just protect your healthy relationships and don't exhaust your healthy relationships by avoiding, you know, dealing with your stuff in a more productive way, like therapy.

Speaker 3 Yeah. No, I'll, I'll do that.
I do feel like I've let go of a lot of things, but and I don't, it's not like I talk to my friends all the time about this.

Speaker 3 I really have let it go a lot, but it is still, it's just more so the custody stuff. But I, I will talk to someone.
It will help me, I know, just to like vent stuff because he pisses me off.

Speaker 1 And that will probably always be a fact. Listen, you're not, you're not the first and you won't be the last person who had a beautiful child with an absolute loser.

Speaker 3 you know yeah literally like he's the worst like i've never heard a call like i there's even more like your mouth would be on the ground like i've never heard a caller say anything and what i find honestly embarrassing is like when he cheated on me it wasn't like a normal cheating like at least go to the bar and meet someone but you can't because i think you're fucking clearly you haven't like it's weird like you're craigslist ads and there's something wrong i mean there's something wrong with your It's freaking weird.

Speaker 3 It's embarrassing. It's like, what the hell?

Speaker 1 Like, but it's also your problem is that you're still making it your problem. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, you know, listen, it's, it is, again, kind of like I said when you first called, I mean, he is the father of your son.

Speaker 1 So it's just like, you, you know, if, if you didn't share a kid together, maybe he still wouldn't be in your life.

Speaker 1 But you are making him more of your problem than it sounds like you need to because you do have things working for you that some other parents who are co-parenting with difficult people don't.

Speaker 1 Is that the fact that your ex is pretty absent and not involved and doesn't try to be and you're actually, you know, and that's kind of a a good thing rather than him going actually following through with some of these threats and really making life a lot more difficult.

Speaker 1 I mean, this, this situation could be so much worse. And I'm sure there's a lot of single parents out there who are listening, you know, wishing they're in your situation as crazy as it sounds.

Speaker 3 So, you know, and I know, and there's been people I've called into you or have friends that are like going through a battle and core and cussing.

Speaker 3 And then that's why I'm like, I love the piece, you know, I think I didn't have that for so long. And I don't know why I stayed with it for so long.
It's a million dollar question.

Speaker 1 No, no it's not it's not a million dollar question it honestly like yeah maybe unpack it in therapy but you do not have to ruminate over and over what's important is that you're out of it you know what's important is you finally found the strength and you set that boundary i mean if you want to understand it a little better so to make sure you don't make the same mistake in the future but you don't need to sit there and analyze it over and over and then that's what i'm kind of saying is that you seem to be doing it a little bit more than you realize and i think you're still spending a little bit too much energy worrying about things related to your ex that quite honestly you don't have to worry about.

Speaker 1 The problem's almost been solved. I think you're still kind of too emotionally invested.
I think you're reaching out and connecting with his family too much.

Speaker 1 Again, if they want to be proactive and go out of their way to make sure they still have a relationship with their nephew or their grandson, let them. But it's not your job or your responsibility.

Speaker 1 And you need to focus more on your son and your boyfriend and the baby. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Well, thank you. I appreciate your advice.
I wasn't sure, honestly, like I said, what you were going to say. So I knew you were probably going to say he's a loser.

Speaker 3 And there's a lot of times you're like, don't, you can't, or what do you say? Like, you can't, you know, categorize a narcissist, but he is one, like 100%.

Speaker 3 Like, he's everything under the sun, but who cares? I know, it doesn't matter, but it just, yeah, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 They're like, he is, he isn't, you know, loser, whatever. He's, he's not great.

Speaker 1 We know that much, but like, what's what, the only thing that matters is that he's in the past as much as he can be, regardless, you know, and that's the part you're still holding on to.

Speaker 1 You know, that you have not 100%.

Speaker 1 You still make him more of your problem than he needs to be. And that is something you still need to work through and get a therapist for.

Speaker 3 I know I do. And I can tell I want to hurt him in a little bit.
Like if I file for child support, like, oh, it's going to hurt him.

Speaker 3 And then I kind of wanted to give his real name, which I didn't, but like, I kind of wanted to just to be like, yeah, you got to like that.

Speaker 1 You know, that's, that's your toxic trait. And that's the thing that you need to work on.
At least you can recognize it because that's you really

Speaker 1 all you need to before you need to just be grateful of of just how much like I mean think about it you you have a great boyfriend he's in so many ways you are so lucky given the situation you came out of and I you need to spend way more energy focused on that and and a lot less energy on all this past shit okay well that's what I'll work on and I will get I will I'll call the day I have time so I'll call and talk to someone and I am proud of myself we're able to hold like even when I did did talk to him I didn't like he would say really bad things and mean things, but I just always held my composure.

Speaker 3 I feel like that's a lot has helped with just this podcast in general, yours and others. Just I've held my composure really well, but I do need to let other things out and let go of some stuff.

Speaker 3 So, I do need to talk to a therapist.

Speaker 3 I just think it also, it's it's hard when everyone is in my ear to like, oh, file for child support, file for child support, like everybody, but I'm just gonna do what's best for my son.

Speaker 1 Well, listen, you're asking a lot of different people their opinion. And so you're getting to get a lot of opinions.
So, like, stop doing that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 Thank you. All right.
Have a good rest of your day. Yeah, you too.
All right. Bye-bye.