E909 Ask Nick - I'm Dating A Married Man

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your favorites plus get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes instacart we're here how's it going good uh my name is taylor i am 37 and my question is should i date a married man how married is this man separated? They are separated. Yeah.
Okay. They've been separated for about two years.
You're not a secret. No.
Well, no, I just, it's very new. So I don't know necessarily that I am known either.
So what is, what is your understanding of the dynamic that you have? My understanding is simply they, I will have to dig deeper, but currently when they separated, she decided to date women. Um, so she is in a relationship with a woman and, um, they, and he's, they've like, they don't live together or anything.
He hasn't lived with her for like two years. Um, but they do have, but but they're not divorced and he says it's for tax reasons and then um they also have like a house that they've bought together like another house that they bought as a couple with another couple so there's some entanglements there he really likes his contracts with people gotcha how long have you been hanging

out with this guy three weeks oh yeah it's pretty new it's pretty new but i do like him a lot you like him a lot okay so how many dates have been on this guy probably like five now five or six all right i'm curious when do the alarm bells start going off in your head where something felt a little off if at all.

I'd say the alarm bells are going off in your head where something felt a little off, if at all? I'd say like the alarm bells are probably more along the lines in maybe like lifestyle stuff as well as age. So it's not necessarily fully like the married stuff, though.
That would be more of a problem,. I feel like down the line if they don't get a divorce or how long that takes or what that looks like.
But it's more that I don't know him that well. He owns the bar and he co-owns a bar.
So he obviously kind of is in that lifestyle more or less. So I would say like sometimes just I don't know what that's going to look like with drinking and stuff.
Um, but is that an issue for you? Depends if it's an issue for him. Do you have any reason to think it is other than the fact that he owns and operates a bar? Um, I mean, he's definitely drank every time we've hung out, but he's never been drunk.
Okay. So he might just be like, you know, a drinker.
Okay. But over time.
Are you a drinker? Not so much now. I kind of slowed my role a lot on that, but I will say that's because it affects my body a lot.
Okay. And naturally.
But like when you're hanging out with him, is he having a drink because he's having it, you know, you're out at a restaurant and he has a drink with dinner or is he just like kind of always drinking i feel like so well we're pretty much all if we're out we're out at an adult place so and every time we do that he'll have a drink or drink you know but he just drinks beer but it's just i feel like it's just steady and so i do wonder how steady it is on a regular basis. Just out of curiosity, you know, five dates in three weeks is a, like that pace.
Are you used to that pace? Is this new for you? Like, I'm curious. I just got out of like, well, not just about last summer.
I got out of a five and a half year relationship. Okay.
So it's been like a long time since I really dated. And I do feel like the pace is nice in the sense that it's not like a ton, but it's been a significant amount.
I've spent the night at his place a couple times. Okay.
But we haven't had sex yet. You haven't had sex yet? No.
Okay. And is this the guy you've liked the most since your breakup? Yes.
Okay. I mean, like, you know, again, it's relatively new, right? And I guess I'm hearing from you a little bit of just like anxiousness and fear or maybe overthinking and breaking down situations.
You know, it's like he owns a bar. What does that mean? I've seen him drink, you know, pretty regularly.
What does that mean? But we've also kind of been out when we're, when I've seen him, you know, like the married part, you know, you know, like there's two separate things, I think to be mindful of one, you have to be mindful of the fact not to kind of overthink and overanalyzing. You're just going to have to let it, you know, if you like this guy, right.
You're going to have to maybe let it play out, right. It's only been three weeks.
You've only had five dates, five dates and three weeks is, you know, it's a lot, you know, that's not like crazy or anything like that, but in a good way, it's a lot. You're like, you're consistently hanging out, right? For whatever reason, you're now like getting a little bit of pause.
Is there, you know, other than the fact that, all right, you've kind of, you mentioned the marriage part, he's separated and you have no reason to think he's lying, right? You've learned about his life and his situation and his marriage and his career. And now you're just kind of wondering, is this too intertwined or too messy for me, right? Like you're not necessarily even wondering if he's being dishonest or for any reason, right? Correct? That's correct.
I don't feel like he's being dishonest. I feel like he's pretty upfront when I ask him questions.
Okay. So, you know, I guess my answer is I don't really have an answer.
Like, I can't say, oh yeah, you should definitely not do this. Or, you know, if you don't think he's being dishonest and you think you can trust him, it's only been three weeks.
So you, you know, you have to be prepared to be wrong about anything, right? You have to give yourself the grace to pursue a person, to learn more about a person. You think something about him now, and you're going to continue to learn, and you're going to be right about some things and wrong about other things, right? The hope is that the things that you're right about are the more meaningful things, and you hope that the things that you are wrong about are, or maybe for the better you're wrong about, or, you know, but you're just going to gonna have to be willing to learn.
You're gonna have to be willing to learn about this person and their life. I mean, you're 37.
How old is he? He's 49. All right.
He's 49, right? So like you're 37, you have a past, you know, I don't know about your life or your past relationship, those five and a half years. He's 49.
He's a little older. Like most people you meet in their middle ages, like come with baggage, you know, whatever that baggage looks like, you know, whether it's an ex-wife that they're still married to in a house, which is a little bit more baggage than most people are used to.
You have some kind of baggage. We all have baggage that we bring into a relationship, right? He has more tangible baggage, right? This ex-wife that you're like, huh, you're married.
Like, you know out they're married, you got to ask them qualifying questions and things like that. There's some definite red flags, right? The fact that he's still married, and it doesn't sound like what you're telling me, he has any immediate plans to change anything, right? If he's referencing tax purposes and things like that, well, whatever benefits they are enjoying as a result of them to not get divorced, chances are that's not going to change.
So what I'm hearing from you is that while he remains single and he's out there dating, he is comfortable with continuing to be married to his wife, right? There seem to be some practical benefits for those two people to stay married. So my guess is whether it's you or some other woman in his future, that will be the reason they eventually get divorced because if this man is serious about maybe meeting someone else and developing a relationship and growing a relationship, I hope that he's aware that that new person eventually might not be okay with him being married to someone else.
Now, maybe it's too early for you to know what his relationship goals are or how intentional he is about this thing that you two are growing into. Does that all make sense? It does.
It does. I guess, um, in my previous, I will say my previous partner was 49 and I was like, I don't want to go quite that much older.
Um, so I really didn't intend to even really date this person. It just kind of did happen.
Yeah. Surprisingly, I can't pick apart age.
Yeah. I mean, you're like, I want to date a 34 year old next.
I mean, yeah, you can, you can set that as a goal, right? But like, as we get older, age definitely becomes a lot more relative. And now you're learning that not every person that's 49 is the same.
Cause you know, I'm guessing this person's different than your ex and they come with different baggage and things like that. So I think what's important for you, if you continue to date this guy, to continue to ask questions.
Do you know if this person, this guy, do you know if he's like looking to, you know, like what, first of all, what are your relationship goals? Well, you know, originally I didn't have any major relationship goals. When I broke up with my ex, although I broke up with him last summer, I kind of hung, we had some other stuff and then we were hanging out a lot.
And then I, I had originally wrote in because I was like, do I keep hanging out with him or do I, like, I was like, do I rekindle something with him or do I need to really just move on and so I just ended up downloading hinge and I took a I went on a couple of dates but then I met this guy in the wild when I was out and he just kind of has surpassed all of like the people that I'm so I just kind of wanted to focus on one thing because I can't yeah I don't have the bandwidth for dating a lot of people at once or even trying to keep those conversations going. Do you have any general goals? Do you want to date forever? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have a life partner? Do you want to have kids? Do you not want to have kids? I would like to get married.
Okay, you would like to get married. I do not need kids.
I'm not interested in kids. So you don't need them or you don't want them? I'm not interested in them.
I don't want them. Okay.
All right. So now you have some idea of, okay, those are some of your relationship goals.
Do you have any idea what his relationship goals are? You know, I did ask, and this was like on our very first date. And it was, I guess I think I was feeling very like loose because I was figuring we weren't going to date again, but I was like listening to his situation.
I'd kind of written him off on the first date because of all of this kind of complication. And then, but opted to give him an, but I had asked him if he, I was like, well, given your situation, you probably never want to get married again.
Do you? He's like, no, I would definitely get married again. So I feel like that was good.
It was a great answer. So he would, but you have no idea if that's a goal of his.
I don't know if it's a goal. I would have to imagine.
I don't know that he's thought much about goals if he's still in a marriage. Well, I don't know.
But that's kind of my point, right? You've heard the word intention be used. It's a common, we throw it around nowadays.
But it articulate what people may be needing to do more of in certain situations which is to be more intentional with what you're doing with whatever it is you're doing and to be intentional means that you don't kind of go into anything with or whatever you're being intentional with means you have less of like a laissez-faire you know like what we'll see what happens and like i'm just kind of open and like you know you want some flexibility especially when it comes to dating early on right like i think there's phases of dating where there's a you know the kind of more openness laissez-faire approach you know you need a little bit of that early on because early on you have to be open to new things and be surprised and you have to take a chance on people who might be outside of your type or comfort zone or things like that. That being said, once you meet someone, you know, that you enjoy their company early on, you should have a pretty clear idea of what this person wants out of dating, especially if you do.
Otherwise, like, what are you guys doing? Right. That's how you get in this.
That's how people get themselves in these traps. Like in your case, right here, you are, you're dating this married man, right? He's still married.
That being said, he doesn't live with his ex-wife. His ex-wife is dating women now.
So, you know, in terms of like, oh, is there still something going on between him? You know, it's like, you his situation makes a lot of sense, right? And you can understand why maybe he's still married. But if you know you want to get married, how long do you want to interact with someone, get to know them, spend time with them, maybe be intimate with them, invest real time before you understand if that's something they want to do.
That's different than knowing someone who's willing to do it. He's like, oh, because, oh, I'm open to it.
Okay. Well, it's still early.
What I'm saying is, I think some point sooner than later, you need to maybe learn more about what this guy's plans are for dating, right? Because if you want to get, you know, you want to get married and you know, you like them, you know, do you want to take six, do you want to take six months to find out that this man really has no plans on getting divorced? And like, while he's open to getting married, it's not like something he really cares about. And, you know, maybe you'll

find out that at 49 years old, he wants to keep things pretty casual. He wants to keep, he likes having someone around.
He likes having someone to like go on dates with, have dinner with. He likes someone to maybe have sex with if you guys start being intimate.
And maybe he likes someone to like, again, like date and maybe even call you his girlfriend if you're willing to, you know, to, to, to find the relationship, but like, maybe he doesn't want to get all that serious or maybe he, you know, like how long do you want to wait to find that out? I mean, I would give that at least three months to, I mean, three to six months. I don't think it's that crazy to wait for that kind of information because you kind of don't really even know.
I think how much you truly like someone after, you know, I think it takes a couple months anyway to even know if those would be, you know, how, how we feel about that. I will say like one of the reasons my five and a half year relationship didn't work out is because he never got around to asking and I just needed to move on.
So I definitely don't want to wait five and a half years. I definitely learned something from that.
Okay. Well, listen, I, and I kind of partly agree with you, but like, you know, again, I'm not asking you to, you know, say, hey, you know, do you think you could marry me or anything like that? It's not about what he, how he feels about you, but I do think you could get a little bit more information about what you really, how serious he is about, like, again, what does he want out of a relationship? Like, why is he dating now? You know, at 49 years old, people should know whether they want to date just to have companionship, but like have a more independent life, or do they really want to date because they still want to find their life partner? Now that he is, you his wife, 49 years old, very much middle-aged, very much has a lot of great years in front of him, potentially, he very much could be in a position where he's like, I really want to find someone that in these years I have someone to enjoy life with and I want to find my person.
That want to, you know, that would be, that would make a lot of sense. It also would make sense if he doesn't want that, you know, but I, I do think you should be willing to find out sooner than later because sometimes six months turns into 12 months real quickly.
And then 12 months turns into five years. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, and I think the party, there's a part of you that is afraid to ask.
I'm sensing, right?

Because you finally got the guts to leave that relationship,

but I'm guessing it took you a while to get to that point.

Too long, yeah.

Yeah, too long.

I was like, I knew it.

And I also had to plan like a six-month out breakup for it too.

It was a lot of planning on that one. Yeah.
So I want to avoid getting yourself in a situation like that again, because this does, now while his situation does make sense and it doesn't sound like he's being shady or living some sort of double life, his life is a little bit more complicated and developing a relationship with this guy will only make his life more complicated for him. And if you do learn that you care about this guy and things evolve, you don't want to be the person who makes him get divorced.
You know what I'm saying? like you want him to want to do it because that's what he wants but like i i think you need to find

out a little bit more about you know I don't know I if at 37 years old and him being 49 I would want a little bit more clarity than him kind of sounding like a 21 year old fuck boy that's kind of like yeah I mean like I want to get married someday for sure like totally like you know obviously you know but it's more it's more of a I don't think he said it that way Okay, I just want to make sure I mean, like I want to get married someday for sure. Like totally, like, you know, obviously, you know, but it's more of a- I don't think he said it that way.
Okay. I just want to make sure.
I mean, you were there. Yeah, I feel like he felt kind of confident in saying that, which was good.
I guess my point is, you do not have to be a good people reader. You don't have to like be good.
You should just be able to ask, you know, these aren't like, these aren't interrogating questions questions, you know, like what do you want out of dating? You know, like. That's a good way to put it.
I don't, I was, I've kind of been asking like probing questions here and there, but I just kind of like sprinkle them in because I don't want to pepper them all at once. No, that's fair.
And you can find the right balance. I'm just saying, I'm getting a sense from you that there's a little bit of reluctance from you to press, you know, because you don't want to be pushy or whatever the reason why.
And I do think you could press a little bit more than you are. At the end of the day, we are afraid to press in any situation because we're afraid of people saying, you know what? I don't want to deal with this.
You know, this is too much for me. You're pushy, whatever.
I feel disrespected, whatever, whether it's a negotiation or in business or just, you know, we sometimes when we're pushy, we're just, we don't want to because we're afraid of offending. We're afraid of pushing too much and losing what we want, you know, but sometimes we have to push.
We have to push for answers. My point is for in someone in your position who has a hesitancy of pushing, I have a hard time believing you're going to push too much.
And if they really care about you, if they really like you, it won't feel like enough, you know, especially if it's just like, Hey, you know, you know what I'm saying? So essentially I want, I should ask him what he is looking for out of dating. I think that is a good question.
When he's talked about his ex, she's just turned 40. So she was also kind of significantly younger.
And sometimes it sounds like she has some similarities. So part of me also wonders why, you know, because before they ever even get to divorce or her being with someone else, there were other deeper core issues.
And so I don't know whether to probe too much into that, but that has me curious only because in some ways she just sounded similar. Similar to who, him or you? Me, but I haven't met her or anything.
i have no gauge no true gauge how does that make you feel well okay in the sense that when he talks about the real he never ever talks bad about her and i know they kind of are still in obviously since they have same friend group and stuff they i mean i think their paths still cross and things like that. i guess if she if she is similar to me i would wonder what the core reason is of them not working out in the first place because he's kind of he's pretty laid back and i am too and then i i just don't i just wish i could understand better uh i wish i would i look forward to meeting her why i want to know what she's like because I, well, or just ask him could understand better.
I wish I would. I look forward to meeting her.
Why?

I want to know what she's like.

Because I, well, or just ask him and get his opinion on why he thinks they ended outside of the lesbian part.

Because I think there's probably a deeper issue than that.

Why do you need to know?

Because I would be curious because if there are similarities, if that would be a similar, like if we would run into the same issues, basically. But I guess that might be too probing.
I don't know how necessary. Yeah, I mean, I don't think you need to meet her.
Well, here's what I think. I think you don't need to meet her.
I might, and I probably will, but I don't care. Well, sure, if you continue to hang out with them, sure.
But you don't need to meet her to like try to read her i don't think meeting her is going to tell you anything about your two's compatibility you know sort of realizing that she might be not as out of the picture as you realize as you thought and you know she could i guess be problematic or a pain in the ass but like i don't think you need to meet her for the reasons you're stating. Let me ask you this.
If anything, what baggage do you think you bring into a relationship? I bring in baggage. I mean, baggage is a heavy word, but like, you know, like the point I'm trying to get at is this man that you're dating is married,

does own this.

And,

and he's still going into the dating world confident,

I guess,

to be like,

I need you to accept my situation.

And my situation includes a wife that is still married to me and we own

property together.

We,

you know,

like we're pretty intertwined,

but like,

you know,

and he has the confidence to expect you to like work around him and that's fine. And he, we all are able to do that, but I'm just wondering as a 37 year old person, uh, who's lived 37 years of life and has her own shit.
Like, are you also willing to say, this is who I am. And this is, these are things that i need at you know this you know what i'm saying like i i just want to make sure that you two are an equal footing and that you're not the person who's always like accommodating his baggage and his needs while you're just like you know what i'm saying like because we all he needs to accept things about you you seem very open to accepting things about him.
You also have the right to say, I'm not willing to accept that. You know, as someone who was in a relationship for five and a half years and him being the first guy you like since then, you have to be mindful of the fact that like, this is going to just, this, this is already exciting and new because it's a first in a while.
you have to be mindful that you don't make accepting things that you ultimately wouldn't like because it's just exciting to like someone, right? You got to remember that. You might really like him, but you still have a lot to learn about him.
But don't go into this relationship already asking yourself, do I have to be okay with things I wouldn't normally be okay with? You have the right to say to yourself and to him, like if three weeks go by and you have five more dates and so then you've known this guy for, I don't know, what, you know, like a couple months. To press him a little bit more about like, do you think you're ever gonna get divorced? Like, no, seriously, like, you know, I really like you and it's been really fun to get to know you and like, but like, why are you still married? Because like, I'll be honest, I really like you And it's been really fun to get to know you.
But why are you still married? Because I'll be honest, I really like you and I want to get married someday. And the fact that you are married, it doesn't sound like you're planning on getting divorced.
And totally get that. Financially, it might make sense.
But is that something you plan on doing? Because you know what I'm saying? I would be very cautious about how much you invest in this this person given the fact that you know you want to get married and he's married and you can't get married to him unless he gets divorced right and so right and that itself could be a long road fine but like i would be very cautious about entering a relationship with someone who's not even a position today to give you what you ultimately want when it comes to being in a relationship. It's like the same thing.
If someone met you, if a guy called in and said, I'm dating this woman, I really want kids. She doesn't.
And then he's like, I really like her. She's a lot of fun.
We have a good time together. She makes me laugh, love her.
We like the same stuff. But I don't know.
I would be like, I don't know if you should date her, you know, because you don't date someone knowing that like one of your big major like benchmarks, a non-negotiable, if you will, like you getting married sounds like a non-negotiable for you. Someday you want to get married.
I mean, yeah, life might change, who knows, but like you want to get married. So I wouldn't, I'd be very careful about dating married men or married men who have no real plans on getting divorced.
And like, well, I get it. I get his explanation.
Makes sense. It just might not be for you.
Right. And you know what I'm saying? So I would be very cautious about entering or investing in a situation that like right now isn't ideal for you.
You know, like you don't, you don't date someone knowing you want to have kids knowing don't, hoping they'll change. And I think that's my point with you is I don't think you should invest that much more time if you don't have clarity about what this man really wants to do with his marriage.
Because you don't want to invest months and then find out he's really not going to get divorced anytime soon. And that truthfully, he really likes his situation.
He's comfortable getting along with his ex-wife. They're actually pretty close.
And he doesn't want to fuck up his bar and his investments and his house or whatever it is that might be intertwined. And he would rather just generally date casually and be okay with dating people who are comfortable accepting his life.
And I don't think you are in a position to accept his life. I think you want different things for yourself.
And I think you can, you know, vet this out a little bit more. And I think it's fine to keep dating him and learn more.
But like right now, the information that you have is very unclear at best and signs point to him not being willing to get divorced anytime soon. Yeah, I think that's a good that's a good take.
I think I was trying to and that is what I wanted to talk to you. So I was trying to figure out how basically the mindset to go into this with, whether I was overthinking it or basically what to look out for.
And I think that's a really good point is giving it a couple more months to get a feel for it, but not wasting too much time if he's not giving any real concrete answers. He did say, like I did, I pushed him a second time asking more clarifying questions.
And he did say like they had decided to stay married two more years. And that, so the goal was to do it within like this year or so because it was like that first year after helped him in taxes this year helped her and he's like so now we can you know what again they may end up getting divorced i just want you to understand that you do not need to accept his life outright and you have the right to say there's things i want i.
I think as a 37-year-old woman or person, a 37-year-old person dating, I think you need to have more clarity about what you want for your relationships and for yourself. Being in more intentional, saying out loud to yourself and eventually the people you date that you really want to get married someday.
and I don't think you should be afraid to put that out there pretty early and then you should hope that discourages some people you want to find out who doesn't want the same things you want if you want to keep dating for fun and just fuck around sure date people that like aren't aren't very serious about what you're serious about you know but if you want to date with intention then And you have a right to filter out some of the people who don't about what you're serious about. But if you want to date with

intention, then you have a right to filter out some of the people who don't want what you want.

And you can do that pretty early. Don't go into a dating situation hoping people change.

Sure. Sure.
I think what is nice about him is I've been able to communicate

better with him about hard stuff. So what you're saying, I feel like is very doable.

He's been much easier to talk to about hard stuff than my ex was. So yeah, I think that helps me at least go in with eyes a little more open and kind of knowing what questions to ask.
Cause I really also wasn't sure what questions I can even ask some things. You can ask whatever you want.
And that's the thing. I think you, you're clearly have a hesitation and I think the biggest thing you need to focus on, I think, in my opinion, is just understanding what you want, come into things with a little bit more confidence, and you have the right to say what you want.
And listen, so many times in dating situations, we want to say the right thing because we want people to like us. We want to feel accepted.
But honestly, when you really look at it pragmatically, sometimes saying the right thing is the wrong thing because saying the right thing is saying something that we don't really mean, we don't really believe in, but we're doing it or saying it because we want to make a good impression. We want to be accepted.
We want to be liked. And then, you know, that's why people call it the honeymoon phase.
Or when they say you go on a first date and people don't really meet you, they meet your representative, you know, and then all of a sudden, you know, you're six to 12 months into relationship and you're like, you're kind of different. The more yourself you can be and be comfortable with being rejected early on because you are willing to be yourself, you know, it might take a couple blows of the eagle.
It might be a little like, you know, you might feel some fatigue at time because rejection can always be hard. Do you want to date someone for five and a half years again, only to have to break up with them because ultimately are going to end up not giving you what you wanted? You know what I'm saying? But that's how you get yourself in situations like that.
So you need to change as well. It's not just about finding someone else.
It's about you recognizing how did I get to that point where it took me five and a half years and I had to make up this whole plan to exit the relationship? That's something you need to reflect on and that you need to change about yourself. It's not about just finding someone different because the part of that that caused you to wait that long is the part of you that is maybe just not standing up for yourself as much as you should, not being confident in yourself to say, this is what I want, this is what I need.
And if you're not able or willing to give to me, as sad as that might make me feel, this isn't for me. And you have to be willing for someone to meet your standards in dating too.
Yeah, and getting to the bottom of that before I'm very emotionally invested is also, I think, what you're trying to say too. Yeah, it's just, it's just, you're, you're definitely just kind of giving a general tone, which

I think is very relatable for people that, you know, you don't want to step on their

toes.

You don't want to press.

You don't want to be rude.

You don't want to, you know, I don't want to ask questions that are, you know, but like,

listen, you got to figure it out, you know?

And we have, as we get older, we have less time to waste on, on people, you know?

And, you know, so it's just like how intentional. And he's an adult.
Yeah. No, yeah.
You can handle it. Exactly.
Right. And also you can handle it too.
You can handle finding out. This is all about you being afraid to get an answer you don't want.
Right. And that's why we don't ask questions is because sometimes we're afraid of the answer.
And then we're afraid either. I don't want to get that answer because I don't want to have to do something difficult like leave, or I don't want to get an answer or be rejected.
I think my big takeaway for you is, when you're out there dating, whether it's this guy or you move on with this guy, at least understand your basic non-negotiables, your basic relationship goals. What do you really want for yourself? What's the type of relationship you want? And then early on in dating, you should find out pretty quickly whether that person's even capable of meeting those main goals because all the other stuff is inconsequential to your non-negotiables or your main core values of what you want for a partner.
And there are a lot of nice people and good guys and funny guys out there that still might not have the same core goals that you have for yourself when it comes to being in a relationship? Yeah, I think sometimes when you don't want kids, it can be hard to pinpoint those goals because a lot of people are like, oh, I want to get married and have kids and build a family. One of the reasons I want to get married is so I could get a house with someone, like a mortgage with someone.
I don't really want to do that outside of a marriage. But is that just because like, it'll help financially or, or you just don't want to, I would rather go down.
I'd rather go down the path where we're going to do every, you know, we're doing things together. And then we buy a home together.
Not for me personally, I can't afford one by myself. And I also don't want to just like date someone and get a house with them, but there's like no other thing tying us together.
I think that's kind of crazy. So I, all I'm saying is that when I think about like, when you say goals, I'm like, well, marriage is sure a goal, but it's hard to think of like bigger goals.
And sometimes I wonder even if like, is that just a petty goal? Because I don't want kids in a family, but I don't think it is. It just, that's why it's sometimes hard to pinpoint those big relationship goals with me.
That makes sense. But you know, sometimes when you meet the right person, I mean, clearly, listen, you have some kind of goal because you left your last relationship because ultimately he didn't want to.
I think you have more goals than you realize. I think sometimes when you're in a relationship that you're really happy to be in, it also shifts your goals.
So I think it's okay that you keep hanging out with this guy, but don't be afraid to get more information. I feel comfortable saying that you should get the answer from him sooner than you feel like you're ready or is fair because I think you have a tendency of talking yourself out of confrontation.
All right. I think that's pretty fair.
That gives me at least some way to move forward. That's thoughtful.
I was kind of, I feel like I did do a lot of overthinking in my last relationship. And so some of this,

I was trying to just relax and enjoy the kind of dating process with him.

And you can, right?

Just because he is the first guy you like,

but just be careful that you're not lying to yourself and convince yourself,

well, I'm just having fun and chilling because the truth is you're afraid to find out. Just be careful.
Yeah. That makes sense.
I can, I can do that. And I have like a pretty, I feel like I've been able to be upfront with him and stuff.
So I think I can continue to do that and hopefully get the answers I need. Alrighty.
Okay. Well, thanks for the call.
I appreciate it. Yeah.
Thank you so much for your time. It's great to meet you.
Likewise. Thank you.
All right. All right.
Good luck. And please give us an update if anything changes with him.
All right. I will.
All right. Take care.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
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Go to helixscom slash viall for this sleep awareness month flash sale to get 25 off site wide sleep awareness month people that's helix sleep.com slash viall for 20 off site wide helix sleep.com slash viall how's it going good my name is jessica i'm 26 and i'm wondering if i should break up with a guy that I want to marry. All right.
Well, why do you want to marry him? And why do you think you need to break up with him? When I first met him, we kind of had this really instant connection that just felt right. And I'm debating breaking up with him because it's been almost five years

since we've met and we've had some back and forth and now I'm kind of at this place where I'm going

to be turning 27 soon and I'm just kind of getting ready to settle down and there's a couple things

that I'm a little bit concerned about in terms of how he is in a relationship like what his problems

Thank you. There's a couple things that I'm a little bit concerned about in terms of how he is in a relationship.
Like what? His problem-solving abilities aren't really the best. He tends to want to run away when it's time to talk about things that might be bothering me.
I wouldn't say runaway fully. It's just that he kind of avoids the situation.

And then I'm kind of just stuck either having to put things under the rug,

which does not work well for me,

or kind of do all the mental labor.

Okay.

I do want to point out that when I said,

why do you want to marry him?

And then why do you think you need to break up with him?

The only thing you said about why you wanted to marry him is when you met, there was some great chemistry. Yeah.
Okay. That's a good point.
I definitely think that there is more beyond that. I think that initially when I met him, I had that feeling of like, is this the person that I'm going to marry? And I don't know.
It's just like's just like the when you know you know feeling that people talk about so i experienced that and of course beyond that like as the years have gone on he is one of the best people that i know and he is a wonderful person there are a lot of traits in him that i see that i want in a husband like what he's very hardworking. So that's a great provider, which I really respect.
He is very loving. He does little things for me a lot of the time that make me feel special.
Honestly, there's not too much. Like we really don't argue much.
I feel like our relationship, anytime that we are fighting, it's like, i feel like i'm kind of fighting by myself

talking to myself i guess and it's more him just listening and saying that he'll do better and wanting to do better but i don't really feel like there's like skin in the game i guess like it's not like he's really like investing into it and like diving deep with me on these issues do you Do you have a very specific argument or issue that you felt like you were communicating to him? Yeah, I could give a good example. Recently, I had a company party and all of us were going to go, all of me and my company, along company along with all of our significant others were going to go away for the weekend.

And he was supposed to come and he never really marked it on the calendar or anything like that.

And then we I brought it up multiple times reminding him.

And then when right before that weekend was about to happen, he had something come up with his family.

And it wasn't it was it was a party for his family. Um, it was a holiday party and he just was like, Oh, this is going on this date.
And I said, that's the same weekend as, uh, my company party. And it's really important that you're there for me.
And he was like, Oh, well, I don't really know what to do. This is like a every year type of deal.
And of deal and it's really important that I'm there it's like you know it's a big deal for my family that I'm there and so I mean this is on me too because I just said okay well then I guess you can go to that but then I had a lot of feelings about it that I wanted to keep on bringing up and talking about and um I just kind of was saying I'm not cool with this it's kind of like makes me feel like you're choosing other things over me which kind of tends to happen I feel like I get put on the back burner a lot of the times like it's like oh no worries she'll just kind of figure it out and then I'll have to get over it a little bit and so um I asked him if we could talk about it I think three times I gave him I gave him a few days in between each time and each time he was either like I just had a really long day at work I'm really tired or can we just not do this right now it's kind of late and then I I guess like right before I left I was just like this really needs to be talked about and his response was just like I'm gonna have a lot of good things to say to you after the weekend's done. So like after the fact, like after it's all finished.
And regardless of the details of the story, but that last part I'm hearing happens a lot. Yes.
So whatever it is you guys are fighting about or in conflict about or not on the same page, because honestly, like the details of that story. I mean, I could ask more questions and I could sit here and be like, well, you know, I kind of get hit where he's coming from or not get where he's coming from.
It doesn't really matter. Right.
You had a point of view. He had a point of view.
Which event was more, you know, more important to, you know, who knows. Right.
Like to him, obviously that was a, an important event. You wanted him to be there for you.
Vice versa. I don't know.
Maybe he's a bad planner. Not that organized.
You were frustrated for whatever reason. Yeah.
But the point is your frustration really comes down to, he never really, he just kind of nicely blows you off and waits for you to give up. Yeah, exactly.
For sure. That's what it is.
And I did notice that trend. You're, you're definitely right.
Spot on there. And I think that even like, it's like, it's almost like he's really happy when I just can like ignore things with him.
Like if it's like, if I can just get over it on my own, like, and I just like keep it pushing, like, it's like, it almost makes him, he's like, ah, relief. I don't have to go into any conflict resolution, I guess.
And I feel like that's a part of the relationship. I don't like to fight, obviously.
I don't want that either. I don't want to feel upset.
But I feel like that's a really big strength in a relationship. It's what you back together when you can solve problems well together and I'm I know that further down the line when I have kids one day I don't really want to be dealing with a partner who is just expecting me to either figure it all out on my own or if there's something that is going on between my partner and I don't want it to be like okay well let's just put that to the side because there's so many other more important things than your feelings and that's kind of the gist of how I feel often you know like feelings aren't that big of a problem because he's also a little bit like of a workaholic too so it's like for him it's like him putting his work first a lot happens and then it's like I'm just kind of expected again on that same front to just like sit back and

just be like,

okay,

that's fine when you have time for me.

And it makes me feel desperate.

And I don't love that feeling.

Of course I want to feel chosen as well.

So where do you think you fall in his list of priorities?

I mean,

he would say,

I don't,

I don't,

I don't,

I don't care what he says.

I want to, I'm curious how you feel. I feel like I'm probably, I would say i don't i don't i don't care what he says i want to i'm curious how you feel i feel like i'm probably i would say i'm after work i would say i'm number two what percentage out of a hundred do you think work is a priority versus where do you i'd probably say work is like 70 i'd probably take up 30 he only has two priorities in life yeah just working

so um obviously he has he's very close to this family he's not really like he we do have like a couple close friends but he's not really um he also started his sobriety journey a year, almost a year and a half ago.

So he's been kind of starting that fresh so it's like that's also another factor i think but what were it did he have a big drinking problem or did he just yeah um yeah it was drink it was just a drinking problem it was kind of like pulling him off from the things that he wanted in life that were important to him but i mean he obviously of course he wants to settle down wants all that stuff too he wanted to work towards those goals um but that starts with being able to take care of yourself first of course how did he get sober did he do that he go cold turkey did he intend 12 step no he went cold turkey he He can be a little extreme. He's just like, I'm done.
And that was it. And he just, he's like, my life is so much better.
Everything's great. Also, him and I, with the on and off stuff that we have had, I met him, like I said, about almost five years ago.
We were quite a bit younger when we met. And he would do this cycle where it was like three months of sobriety and I was always in his life when he was like going through that where it was just like he wanted to like not be going out and partying and hanging out with a bunch of like just the wrong crowd and then he would kind of fall off and get back into that and then circle back around so I feel like I have some built up stuff where I just feel like I'm just like always

there.

Like I've always kind of just been available, which I'm like, now I'm kind of starting to

regret that, but there's nothing I can do to change the past.

And like this last year and a half, we've been together fully while he's been sober.

So, um, that has been like the beginning of our, I feel like the first time we've actually taken a real chance at it for this last year and a half and we lived together and everything real chance at what just like being together because before i don't really feel like it was taken seriously by him he's been in my life for five years but it was on and off for every three months and then we took like like a big break. I dated another person.
Was it his choice or your choice to take the break? It's always been my choice. I just say like, I can't do this anymore.
And I just like leave. And he never fights for it really.
It's just like, I understand if you're unhappy, like you're unhappy and I get it it so that doesn't really feel like my choice either sometimes

yeah it doesn't sound like it's your choice

you know you break

yeah

you were doing it hoping to

get a reaction you didn't get and then

he didn't fight for you so you're like I guess I'll date

someone maybe that'll make him jealous

yes I feel like I've done a lot of things like that

where it's like I feel like he's

kind of been like my kryptonite I guess where it's just like I just like can't like I don't know why I just I feel like I put myself in positions where it's like that was either like, like I hurt somebody else because I'm trying to get over him in the process or like, I just have like embarrassed myself trying to do something that like. What brings you guys back together when you took the break? He always would reach out.
And like we both like would always say how our connection is very special. And it's just like we are very good partners.
Like I feel that we balance each other really well. And he does ground me a lot.
We end up missing each other. And when he reaches out, it's just like it's very hard for me to not want to step back into it.

And yeah, I don't know.

I guess that.

Have you ever broached therapy with him?

I mean, can I already assume what his answer was?

Yeah, no, actually, we do have a therapist.

We go to couples therapy together.

You go to couples therapy?

We do, yeah.

Does that work?

Do you guys get anything out of it?

Yeah. Well, we first went because of all this stuff with the back and forth um i kind of had a lot happen well i got pregnant twice by him with him yeah by him yeah and um well the first one i missed married and he was not really able to be there for me that time and then the second one we weren't together I had like just a little bit of I freaked out by the reaction that I got from family members the first time around that it happened and I like knee-jerk reaction had an abortion and I do feel like I regret that because that's something that I've always wanted in my life is to be a mother so I just I feel like that was really hard for me to get past those two things and so thank you yeah um but we did go to therapy together to get past that because I just kept on bringing it back up and I just like I just don't think I can move past this and feel like I can have this trust with you.
And like, that you actually like, like, I didn't believe he loved me fully, but I was like, why am I with you? Then I don't understand. Like, I feel like like weak in that sense where I just was like, I'm with you, but I don't feel like you actually love me, but I hope you do.
And so then I, through therapy, I did find that like, I know that he does love me. i hope you do and so then i through therapy i did fine but like i know that he does love me um i know he wants to be with me how do you know that i mean a lot of his actions like i said like our day-to-day is really it is great he does make genuine efforts and tries hard to show me that he loves me daily and his words and he's very like affectionate towards me and not like in a sexual way just like like I think like in an adjuring way have you talked with your couples therapist about the issue you're calling in about which is essentially like he doesn't really want to engage in any type of conflict resolution with you or communicate you know or just hear you out and deal with some stuff as opposed to feeling like you're, he just kind of like avoids you, waits for you to get over it.
And, and then you feel kind of like you can't, you have to convince yourself. It's because it sounds like you have to convince yourself to get over things that you're not really over you bury it.
And then it just kind of sits there and like, you're, I don't know, you're like, I don't know, I guess whatever. And then have you talked with your therapist about that with him? Yes, we have.
Yeah, we have spoken about it a little bit, but it's mostly around the issue of him prioritizing work because when it's brought up, it's like he's just too tired to deal with things when it comes down to it. Like, it's just like, it's always seems too tired.
So my therapist has like tried to, or our therapist has tried to just like,

just him making like setting certain time aside um to be intentional and that's when we started to do more like date nights and it's just the discussion sometimes it just feels like when it's too heavy for him it does hit a point where it's just like too much to break through. And like, I don't know, I guess we haven't really nailed down that specific topic with my, with our therapist, which I would, that's a good thing for us to focus on and bring up.
I feel like I feel a little bit helpless about it. Like, I just don't know if that part of him can change.
So I think maybe I'm just here to bring that up too. Well, I mean, if it would be you called in sorry go ahead well i'm just saying you called in debating whether you should break up with them if if this part doesn't get better yeah so what do you have to lose true yeah that's true like how seriously are you thinking he might not be your guy i feel like this is kind of where i go back and forth because I feel like I have done a lot of convincing myself of things in our relationship.
So I feel like in my mind, I feel like he is the person for me. And I don't really feel like it's that much of a percentage that debates if he is or not.
But when I get to the point where I feel frustrated, like he's not participating, I'm like fully out the door. So it's like, I don't really know how to gauge if that's a lot of me is contemplating it or if it's just like something that is like a really important thing for me to, obviously it is an important thing for me to fix and to change within our relationship dynamic.
But yeah, I'm not really sure how to gauge. Do you feel like, do you feel like he's more of your boyfriend or your partner? And by partner, I mean like the, you know,

being a partner, like a teammate.

Do you feel like he's a teammate?

No, that's a good, you know, the thing

that you always say where it's like you have a

boyfriend who wants the benefits of a girlfriend

but isn't really interested in

being a boyfriend. Yeah.

That's kind of how I feel

like it is sometimes with him.

Like I do feel like it's more

he is more like that than

Thank you. a boyfriend yeah yeah that's kind of how i feel like it is sometimes with him like i do feel like it's more he is more like that than a active partner who wants to like because he can do all the other things like um i mean obviously like this is a little different but it's like what taking out the trash or like picking me up from the airport like things like i know i can rely on him for certain like physical things that i need sure a partner for i mean emotionally i can also rely on him for like my own stuff if i was talking to him about it but when it's him and i it's like if it involves him having to like dig deep it's like he's just like he and he knows that he avoids that with everybody too it's not just me but yeah that's not really where i have feel like he's like stepping up well listen it you know you've been through a lot with this guy clearly and you're clearly conflicted uh i guess what i would say to you is you know who he is this is who he is you've with him for five years.
You have tried all sorts of things to try to get through this guy. But he is, and correct me if I'm wrong about any of this, unbelievably consistent at least or stubbornly himself.
And you've tried all sorts of ways to try to tweak and adjust this part of them with very little success. Does that feel accurate? Yeah.
Yes. Yeah.
Because there has been success, right? It's kind of little compared to the... Well, I mean success around this particular topic, not success in the sense that like, I mean, he your boyfriend but right you know and you're in one of these situations where it's a challenge right because like ultimately you know it doesn't sound like he's like some toxic asshole or you can actually point out some things that you really like about um um i do think it's interesting again even though you did eventually articulate things you know it sounded like you know this guy just does it for you like he you know but like there's a lot of chemistry there but like you know there are some significant aspects of the relationship that do seem to be missing for you and you sounds like throughout the entirety of your relationship you know you you've had a hard time letting go of just how of the chemistry, the intangible, which I get like that's that's hard to find with people.
So it's hard to let that go. But there's a difference between dating someone for a period of time or, you know, I guess there's a difference between dating someone in your 20s and marrying them for the rest of your life.
Which is why I think a lot of people have a hard time sustaining marriages and relationships these days because they get married for reasons that have nothing to do with keeping a marriage going. Exactly.
And when they get married, most people stay in relationships because of how they met, because of, like you said, like we meet someone, especially in your case, we meet someone that like that boy, that, that meeting them really, you know, I bet you vividly remember how you met. I bet you like at times telling the story or at least fantasizing or reminiscing about how you met in that period of time.
And I'm guessing when you guys met, you made your, you promises to yourself. This is the man I'm going to marry or whatever, stuff like that.
And we don't want to, internally, we don't want to be wrong. We don't want to feel like we're full of shit.
And sometimes we hold on to how we met someone, and we hold on to these kind of promises we've made with very little information about someone, someone's character or how they are in relationships. And then we date them for a period of time.
And then all of a sudden we're like, well, I've been with them for five years and it's like this, but like very little about why they're in the relationship has to do with how that person makes them feel day in and day out. So, So know, it's, it's not a clear choice for you because, you know, I am, I understand there's a lot of history there and I understand he sounds like a pretty good guy.
And it's like, you know, you, the devil, you know, is better than the devil. You don't, you know, and you're like, you, you've, you've also dated other people and you still kind of went back to him.
And, and in your mind, you're thinking, you know, that kind of justifies me coming back. I I tried to date other people but you might have to you might have to make a decision that you leave without dating anyone else for a period of time I don't know but I I will say this the thing that you think is a problem in your relationship is a problem and the feeling that you feel alone in your relationship is that fair you say yeah that's fair that's it That's something that I tell him a lot when we're going through certain things that I need to talk through.
I do end up telling him, I feel really alone in our relationship right now. And I feel disconnected.
Sometimes when it comes to that, and that's where usually it derives from, it's like, I feel disconnected. And i feel disconnected and then he's just like okay i don't like it's almost like i feel like an annoying little sister sometimes and it just makes me feel so uncomfortable because i'm just like this isn't how i should feel like yeah i should feel like i'm just it's not it's not it's probably not going to get much better it hasn't gotten better i mean, you could certainly try it out in couples therapy if you're still going to couples therapy with them.
But eventually you're going to have to. He did say that he would see our therapist on his own too now, which I don't know if that would help the case.
I mean, I know that he does want to work it out and he wants to be with me but um i know that it's for him it's just like this emotional it's emotional intelligence that he never learned to have because through his life or he has done with motions or eyes is depressed sure but also like i don't know he's not i don't mean i don't know him at all but

doesn't sound like an idiot and a lot of what you're saying isn't a matter of an has nothing with emotional intelligence it's just a a willingness to be there for your partner i'm too tired from work isn't a lack of emotional intelligence it's just like he doesn't care enough.

Or is this used to you?

Or is this used to you giving up?

I feel like or he's just used to you giving up i feel like i do yeah yeah i think i feel like i need to care about sometimes because i think that like i feel like i want to hear the truth no matter what always and i just like i feel like this means you just don't care and's okay. But just say that, you know, like, I don't want to, I don't want to pretend like it's because, oh, it really has nothing to do with the fact that like, I don't care.
It's just I really am tired. It's like, even if I'm so tired, and I can barely like, keep my eyes open, because I'm just so exhausted, I've had the most straining day, I would never just say,

oh, you're feeling this way.

You just continue to feel this way so that I can feel comfortable

with how I want to feel right now and just go to sleep.

On my time, we'll talk about this when I'm ready

because that just feels so unfair to me.

It feels like you just don't care.

Let's just call it what it is.

I think a lot of times we all like to make excuses for our partners for their shortcomings especially if we've tried and failed the next step is just kind of make excuses for them and i do think in a lot of cases women like to make excuses for their male partners a lot and in your case you know like you know the stereotype that women are more emotionally mature than men and yada yada yada i think a lot of times women will play into those stereotypes and then make excuses for their boyfriends and chalk it up to like emotional immaturity and he just needs to do the work and he's just been suppressed because he's a man and talks to masculinity.

It's like, I don't know, maybe he just doesn't give a shit.

You know?

Right.

I don't think he's all that emotionally stunted.

He sees you coming to him and saying, let's resolve

this and he's like, not right now, babe.

And you let it go.

You've already broken up with him

and it didn't work. I think that's probably why you are the boy who cried wolf yeah yeah i do i told i really feel like the boy who cried wolf because it's like i'm like i'm done i'm never doing this again and like so maybe right now maybe your tone is maybe your tone should like, stop accepting apologies for things he's apologized multiple times for.
Yeah. And so when you voice a frustration and he's like, oh, I'm sorry.
Just say, I don't want your apologies. I want you to care.
and when he says I do care then you say I need you to show me that you care

not just say that you care because you say you care all the time and then you show me you don't what i want is to deal with shit you don't like to deal with shit and i am tired of dealing with our shit on my own okay you know and you make me feel like a nag because you just you don't care you just don't care and stop calling him avoidant or whatever i don't know maybe it but like whatever he doesn't care yeah okay or you know he cares just enough you know you know i don't say he doesn't care but he clearly cares about you right but at the end of the day, what you're asking for is not that complicated because you're not even, you know, you're just, you're just asking for him to like take the time to participate and talk with you about a frustration you have and just work through it. And it's, I'm honestly, I do not, not that it, I don't think it matters how I come across when we are arguing, because I do feel like in moments I have a right to be upset.
But I don't really, I'm not hard to talk to. Like, I want to resolve the issue.
I don't want to get into some big fight. I don't think anyone really does.
But I feel like that's what's frustrating the most to me is it's just like, it's so easily. And then he gets frustrated when he's like, why are you upset? Like after days and days of me calmly asking, hey, can we speak about this? Can we talk about this, please? Like, I really like this is bothering me.
It's like, and then once I've been kind of put off for multiple days, then it's like, what, what's wrong?

I don't understand.

It's like,

well,

I'm now I'm frustrated.

Now I'm like emotionally,

like I'm crying.

I'm whatever.

Cause it's just like,

I'm like,

do you,

uh,

I mean,

I'm curious.

Have you,

have you referred to him as your best friend before?

Funny.

Uh,

yeah,

I mean,

I guess so,

but I,

he is one of my best friends, but he's not my very best friend i'm glad you know that because like i'm guessing there are other people out there who know you better than he does 100 yeah yeah and the fact that you can say that 100 like the guy you've been dating with for five years, you've been pregnant with twice for different reasons. Those pregnancies didn't proceed.
Both of them, whether it's a miscarriage or an abortion, are incredibly emotional experiences and experiences that I can safely guess he doesn't really totally even know what you went through in either of those experiences. And if he does, most of that is a result of dragging him to therapy.
Yeah. Do you think he's, and how much about, and how much about those experiences do you think he's still completely unaware of, of what you went through? Yeah, I think a lot.
Um, and how. And are there other people who know better? Oh, for sure.
Yeah, my best friend, my best friend that I've been best friends with since childhood has a really hard time. He's come around and he has grown a lot.
Who do you think his best friend is? Me. Yeah, and that doesn't surprise me.
It does not surprise me that he actually probably thinks of you as his best friend best friend subjective we all can have different different difference in what that means but like people who really know who we are people that we have given the opportunity to get to know us without you know and accept us for all of our strengths and weaknesses you're his best friend because you've been willing to be his best friend and he's not your best friend because he hasn't been willing to be yours i guess that's interesting that you brought that up i definitely that's a point that i was thinking of not too long ago um i was just thinking of how he does always tell me like you're my best friend and i told my sister i was just like i just don't feel like he's mine though have you ever told him that i have such great no i haven't and that's on me for sure i usually just tell him yeah like you're my best friend too i think that really true okay well stop lying to him okay i don't mean you know you're also lying to yourself a little bit but i don't mean you know it's like but that might hurt him and i don't mean that in a good way. Yeah.
You know, the only thing that's going to save this relationship is you're going to get through to him somehow. So stop telling him what he wants to hear.
Stop placating him, you know, stop trying to not ruffle his feathers and just be honest with him about how you feel about your relationship. Like, what do you have to lose at this point? And when you say things like you're my best friend you can be like i know but you know i've been thinking about it you're not mine and you're not mine because like there are other people out there who just know me better than you do and they know me better because like they took the time to care and you don't care like i'm your best friend because i care i've i've been to be your best friend.
And you're not my best friend because you haven't been mine. You haven't been there for me.
You just haven't. You've been okay at times, but there are people out there who are.
And I want the man I marry to be my best friend. And I think a lot of people, we like to say, I'm going to be my best friend.
Well know your best friend should know you better than most people I feel like relationships for me like my family and my friendships like I that's something that I put so much effort and time into because it matters so much to me and I have the best support system and so it's hard because it's like I feel like that should make sense in the area of my partner too and it's just doesn't and yeah that is hard because I'm like I just really don't want to I do feel like we have so many good parts about our relationship and it's so hard for me to like get that out of my head but I feel like I have to just be so honest that is the most important part of who I am is some of the relationships I have. And so it has to make sense.
Like he should be my best friend. You're right.
The good doesn't make up for the bad. And there can be a lot of good in relationships and it doesn't mean they're your person.
So, you know, like when you're going through that kind of, Oh, I like this and I like that, that all might be true. But if your constant feeling about him and the relationship is a negative one, that tells you something.
If you're more unhappy than happy when thinking about him and the relationship, that tells you something. If you're constantly just feeling disconnected and alone in your relationship, that tells you something.
And if the man that you've been with for five years isn't your best friend, that should tell you something.

I definitely haven't really thought about it like that before. Because I do think that I value, because of the value of my relationships, that I just, with my family and friends, I think that it would just be hard to come close to, like for any guy.'ve never really had a significant other where I feel like they're my best friend they know me inside and out I don't really feel like I've had any guy really take the time to get to know me super well and I've always been worried about being with somebody who is with me because of what I can give to them versus like, because I feel like I will give everything I have into a relationship.
And I just think that like, obviously, I mean, most people do, I guess, but I just think that sometimes too, maybe I overextend a little bit. And then I just think that like, I'm afraid of that being taken advantage of, but I'm letting that.
That's what I have to. If you took out how you guys met and all of the investment you've put in this relationship, what would you think you have? When you say all the investment, do you mean like all of our, everything like time spent? Yeah, I mean, I don't know, most people, I'm curious how you think about that,

but a lot of people in your position,

it's,

it's hard to walk away from something you've put a lot of work into.

Yeah.

You know,

especially when there's been like so much positive change,

I think through our relationship and growth,

like although it's like might not look like all that much,

it's keeps on getting better and better um in all these areas so i guess if i took all that out i don't think i don't know if i would be in the relationship if it was just like this is a brand new like this was a situation if i met him how he was now and i was coming up with these issues, and I'm my age now because it's like obviously me at 22 is very different than me at 27.

And I think that if I was just looking at that for what it was and not knowing anything about him and just seeing that,

I'd say, yeah, I'm good. I would like someone with more ability to be there for me more.

So, I mean, that's to tell you something. I mean,

history is not nothing,

but it's not,

you don't have kids.

You're not married.

You know,

there might be a time in your place in your life where the history gets you through it,

you know,

but like before,

because like the truth is whoever you marry,

you're going to have,

you're going to deal with some shit.

Shit's going to happen.

I don't know what,

but I promise you this,

you know,

even the person that you marry,

let's assume that you,

Thank you. You're going to, you're going to deal with some shit.
Shit's going to happen. I don't know what, but I promise you this, you know, even the person that you marry,

let's assume that you, him or someone else, but like you eventually get married.

And when the moment you get married, you feel like, I really love this person.

You know, maybe you figure shit out with him.

Maybe you break up and you find someone else. But let's say the moment you get married it feels so fucking right and good and and exactly what you hoped for for yourself even if that if you're lucky enough to be in that position i promise you something's going to happen in that relationship and you're going to think to yourself i can't believe this ever would happen to me or us it will i promise and it doesn't mean you guys can't get through it most a lot of people do get through everyone deals, everyone deals with shit like that.
I don't know what that shit is going to be. It might be something that you cause, he causes something that's just unavoidable.
Maybe just like life happens, something happens, God forbid, with a child or a parent. I don't know, right? Money, who knows? Life fucking happens and you have to deal with it.
Right now you have someone where where like, when that happens, you're going to be totally alone. So listen, I don't know if breaking up with him is the right answer.
But I do think starting now, you need to just be more direct about how you feel about him in this relationship. And you need to stop trying to fight for this relationship by yourself okay do you feel like he's afraid of losing you yeah he tells me like life would be really scary without you um maybe there's hope you know but like he needs some kind like something is not connecting the dots and i don't doubt that he might be you might have to talk about i think that friendship comment might be worth i would maybe bring it up in couples therapy i would maybe this is i think bring it up in couples therapy um and i would bring up the fact that like i'm seriously thinking about leaving this relationship because i feel alone i don't want to and i don't want to lose you but like i do feel like this is a person that I realized is not my best friend and they're not my best friend because like, they haven't really that been that interested in being my best friend.
And he might say, well, I am, what do you mean by that? And you're like, well, because you know, Becky, Molly, and Erica, they all know, they, they, you don't know this about, like I, you don't, there's like a lot of things that you don't about me, and you don't know about me because when I come to you and try to share things with you, you tell me you're too tired. You're never interested in hearing about what I'm feeling.
You act as if it's constantly an inconvenience to you. And there are other people in my life who don't make me feel that way.
And I't think i should be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel that way and i've tried endlessly to try to fix that so like i'm i'm pretty much at the end of my rope i like it i think that feels that feels good i want to i definitely want to be honest about that and i think that that resonates a lot for me and i think that that would be shocking for him to hear and like you said not in a way that's like I want to hurt him it's just in a way that might make him understand a little bit more of like how he feels about me is not the same way I feel about him which should raise a flag for him you know was this helpful this helpful? Yes, it was very helpful. I appreciate you.
All right. Well, sorry you're going through this.
I appreciate your show too. Oh, well, thank you for saying.
Listen, you're in a tough spot because I get it. It's a lot easier if he was just a giant piece of shit or whatever.
You've been through a lot together and there's a lot you love about them and there's a lot of good in this relationship, but you shouldn't feel like this way most of the time. That is something to ponder.
Yeah. My mom, my mom will always tell me that too.
She's like, you just keep coming back to this, you know, cause I call her like, and I feel like it's like, I feel like I'm going insane sometimes with how much I go back and forth, because it's like, as soon as this comes up where I feel alone,

I'm like,

I want to leave.

And it's like,

I tell,

and I don't,

I do voice it to him every time.

I'm like,

I want to leave.

Yeah.

But now that there's idle threats,

I'm the boy who's right.

Yeah.

I shouldn't do that.

Like,

and I,

because I don't know if I really fully mean it.

And it's like,

now I'm sitting here talking to you about it.

I'm trying to get clearer on if I mean that or not. And I I feel better about knowing now like I've tried to calm down from that and saying like I'm gonna leave all the time and threatening that because it's like it's not helpful and if I really mean that like I want to only I just want to do it through my actions and just say hey here's what's happening I'm leaving if that's what's gonna happen And I don't want to have to be like, I mean, if I can get a reaction.
I'll leave you with this, but something I had to learn on my own and something I've said, and when I've done questions with Nick, I think there's language to the effect in my book. But if you break it all down at its core, people who get back together with people they have broken up with, it's mostly out of a lack of patience.
At the end of the day, we break up with people because we think we can do better. And I don't mean like from an ego standpoint, it means like if you decide to break up with them, you're doing it because you certainly hope, but, and I'm banking on fact that you can, find someone who's more emotionally willing to be in the relationship with you.
And you've tried that before, but then you got back together. And you didn't get back together because love.
You got back together because you dated one other guy, and that didn't work out, and then he was available and waiting. And you're like, well, okay, I i guess i'll go back to him and you lacked the patience to see it through you you missed him uh who you dated in between like was actually worse than he was so it was like all right he's worse you have you know and so a product of you guys being together is your lack of patience and believing in you in what you deserve that's just a fact because something caused you to end that relationship in the past breaking up with people that we care about is is a very difficult thing to do and yet you got to that place so it wasn't a mistake there was a reason it wasn't like out of just some sort of like flippant decision.
We break up with people for valid reasons. I don't really think there's mistakes.
I think there's just, we lost patience. And listen, sometimes people break up and it's, you know, high school sweethearts or, you know, sometimes it's good to break up and sometimes we get a clearer idea.
But at the end of the day, whoever broke up with someone thought they could do better. And maybe they were wrong.
Sometimes we realize we were wrong. But in your case, I think it's more a lack of patience.
I agree with that. I definitely, I've never been alone either, which is like I've always gone from relationship to relationship.
And this is like. And this guy is your big kryptonite.
He's the guy that just does it for you and just fucks you up a little bit. And sometimes that fucking you up is kind of toxic, sexy, and fun all at the same time.
But yeah, he is a bit of kryptonite. And there is a constant theme in this relationship.
And if you don't want to be the boy who cried wolf, don't be. If you decide to leave the relationship, it's not going to be easy.
You're going to miss him you're it's going to break your heart you're going to want to come back to him and and taking him back again god forbid if you were to do that again would i would hope that would be him truly fighting and showing and him actually doing shit on his own and getting there you know like he does he hasn't changed yet so if you were to break up with them a month later like it's not because he changed that's the thing he is choosing not to do things about it right and so often when people break up with someone and then it's like oh my god i'll finally do the thing you asked me to do they're not doing it because they change they're doing it because you force their hand that's yeah like desperation just to get back yeah so just some things to think about all right thank you very much i appreciate it all right well keep us posted we'd love to know what you end up doing all right okay all right take care i will all right all right you too cats shouldn't eat processed food for every meal that's why Small's has become many cat owners go to food.

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three orders service fees apply for three orders in 14 days excludes restaurants how's it going hi i'm danielle i'm 24 and my question is how do i date as a 24 year old who's never been in a relationship okay um why do you feel like you don't know how i guess it's more of a general anxiety and fear around dating. Okay.
I found it hard to meet people in person. Okay.
And I'm on the dating apps. I'm on Hinge, but that's where the fear comes in.
I cannot meet up with someone from Hinge. I'm so scared.
Okay. All right.
I don't mean to laugh, but your fears, are they coming i mean listen as a woman um yeah there are some things you have to worry about that most men maybe don't right your actual physical safety there there is that that being said i think there's a lot of good safe men out there and you just have to be smart about your choices and situations you put yourself in that you can you can can maybe conquer this fear. Um, but that aside outside of like, you know, just general, Hey, I'm a woman dating, dating men.
And I need to be mindful of my safety. Where are your other anxiety and fears coming from? Honestly.
So I've kind of just recently started taking hinge like more seriously before it was kind of just like seeing what's out there. And I really had any real intention for that fear like i was always like i don't want to be meeting up with people that i don't know but my friends have done it so i've definitely been a little bit more eager and i've also recently come to the terms with like i'm 24 i need to put myself out there if like i want to you know get into a relationship yeah be a person um so the fear is honestly I don't know I think it's like the build-up like what made me right to you guys was a couple weeks ago I'm matched with the guy on hinge cute we exchanged numbers we texted here and there he tried to, we both tried to like make plans kind of fell through.
And then two times I rescheduled and putting air quotes because I was so like, I was sick with anxiety. Also, I feel like it's worth mentioning.
I can go out to the bars and like talk to guys. I'm not anxious in that sense.
Granted, there is a little bit of alcohol but even sober i'm fine it's like the build-up of like i don't know this person i don't know how awkward it's gonna be it just it freaks me out have you ever suggested like a zoom date or i've thought about that like or even like because he had my number i've thought about being like can we like FaceTime just to get like a vibe check? But I don't know.

I just,

we don't,

what don't you know?

Okay.

I think maybe this also plays into it.

There are,

I feel like this is normal for people.

I go through phases where I don't care to date.

I don't really want a boyfriend.

I'm like happy with,

you know,

my life.

Yeah.

I'm sure a lot of people feel like that.

But so I feel like when I'm in those phases,

I don't care enough to make the effort to say oh let's facetime let's yeah but that's not the problem isn't when you aren't in the phases of wanting to be independent and single the problem is is when you're in the phases of maybe wanting to get out there you're incapable of doing that right so like that's that's just an excuse you're telling yourself to make yourself feel better about the fears anxieties you have about like getting out there and also like this is this is really more about you developing a skill yeah um rather than like whether you're ready for a husband or not you know or if you're interested in having a boyfriend or not this is about you just like developing some basic social skills for kind of breaking it down so that like you can put yourself in more advantageous situations to maybe meet a guy whenever it is you're ready to meet a guy. But even when you meet guys, listen, like, you know, nowadays, you know, with all the, you know, language around dating and love bombing and things like that, you know, but, you know, we have, you know, it's hookup culture has never been more prominent commitment and defining relationships never been more rare.
At the same time, now we all have these new terms like gaslighting and love bombing and yada yada. And now it's like everyone out there is dating things like, well, they told me this and now they changed their mind and they're a love bombing, narcissistic gas piece, shooting pieces of shit because like, you know, and may they told me this and in jimmy told me that and that those two things aren't the same so they must have been lying and manipulating me and now they're a fucking loser and i hate them and they're a narcissist and i'm just a victim of of of evil people out there and that's just not reality the reality is is like you know we all are just you know especially in our 20 little self-centered, a little confused, a little unsure.
We're all just figuring it out. We feel things.
We react to them. We process our feelings.
We realize that maybe our initial reaction wasn't the right reaction. You know, I've heard the phrase recently, you know, something like first feeling, second choice or something.
You know, we have a feeling we feel whenever it is, we feel something in that moment, but maybe it's the second choice or the second thought that maybe is the better thought than the first thought that comes in our head. And we find out some crazy shit or whatever, you know, that just comes with maturity and things like that.
So, you know, listen, like, obviously I'm just kind of saying a bunch of random shit here, but I'm just trying to offer you maybe some perspective because i think when we get in our heads we lack perspective uh and then you just start coming and you start ruminating going down these rabbit holes and you psych yourself out and and you get nowhere yeah that's very true for me i feel like i'm conflicted because on one hand like you're only in your 20 20s once. I want to, you know, experience a lot of different things, meet new people, live them to the fullest.
But then on the other hand, it's just that fear of like, I don't know, I guess the unknown, because this is something that I've never, I don't know that side of myself. That makes sense.
Like what side? Like, I guess like I've never been in a relationship. Honestly, I think the last guy I liked, it was in high school.
Throughout college, I was kind of in and out, didn't really get involved, work, didn't really meet anyone. And you didn't like a guy because you don't feel like you let anyone close or you were just like, honestly, I don't even time i had a crush on somebody no i can remember like little crushes but nothing like well i do what do you i mean what's your gut tell you you think you've been a little bit more avoidant or do you think you just like haven't met anyone or you've been too busy to care i think it's a literally a combination of all three i think are fine, but like, let's, my guess is you're calling in to trust the, whatever a part of you is that avoided part.
So you can like, like you said, be a human whenever you want to be a human. And when you want to be an introverted, you know, recluse, you can be that, right? You know, you have, you don't, you know, you're only 24, you don't, you're, you have a lot to figure out about life yourself.
You're not just like one dimensional person. You can be multiple things at multiple different times, but this is about like you recognizing and wanting to address, you know, a problem that you have that's stopping you from as you, in your words, at times feeling like a human, stopping you from having experiences that part of you wants to try to enjoy, but like you're letting your fears, insecurities, neuroses stop you from having those aspects of your life, right? Yeah, totally.
So when you're trying to understand your choices, you should be mindful of this internal dialogue you have because here I am listening to you. I'm a stranger to you.
I don't know anything, you know know and so this happens a lot when people call in it's like you have your question right here's your main theme here's what i want to help with and then as you tell your story you are including things that you you're you're including like what i i hear is like things you tell yourself from time to time and now you're telling me and those things you tell yourself to me are just

things like they're just either excuses or these are things that I can,

I can hear your inner monologue and,

and how you justify choices,

how you convince yourself of things,

you know,

things that we all do.

Right.

Yeah.

And so as far as your,

as your problem that you called in for,

as it, as it relates to that. Yeah.
I mean, I don't care. I mean, it's not really relevant to your problem that sometimes, yeah, you're fine with being an independent woman.
And it's, you know, and great. That's awesome.
But we need to address the part that's causing you to avoid life. Yeah.
I know it's something I need to do. Like, i just need to so what are the things like okay we acknowledge you need to make sure you're safe we get that right yeah but i'm guessing what's stopping you from moving forward with these dates is less about is he gonna kill me and more about you all these like thoughts of i don't know what i'm gonna say is it gonna be weird am i gonna feel uncomfortable blah blah blah and i'm like i'm just gonna stay home yeah right yeah exactly okay so so it's less about safety but like you know say you know but solution one yeah just start vibe checking them like you said facetime zoom date you know you don't even have to give out your number you can literally create an email that's for online dating.
It can be whatever you want. And when you're like, hey, that's the email you share for Zooms.
And that's all it is. That's the only personal information they have is an email you give out to strangers.
So then you're safe there. And listen, that's being extra cautious.
But listen, if you want to give out your number,

chances are that's probably fine too, right?

But a FaceTime call or a Zoom call goes a long way.

You get a sense of their humor.

You can get a better idea of what they look like,

their voice, their inflections,

how do they pay attention?

Do they ask questions?

Like, I don't know.

It's also just Zoom or FaceTime,

so be prepared to be wrong. But you can learn more than texts and it's just a stepping stone you know that's helpful that being said i i think one thing i maybe i think you're like i don't know whether lipstick on a mirror or post a note to yourself i don't know you remind yourself but uh you should write down in a journal no one gives a fuck yeah when you are going you're debating whether you want to go on a date with these guys whatever questions you have about what they might think do or like who gives a fuck they're most likely going to only be strangers in distant memories so yeah who gives a fuck what they think about you and for all the guys that you go out with and decide you don't like who gives a fuck who gives a fuck what they think i don't know who cares like you you were pretty you were ugly you were you were charming you were funny you were obnoxious who gives a fuck you won't know who cares it's none of your goddamn business yeah and if you go in to just be just be i and tell yourself what i need to be is curious, just curious.
Like, I just want to meet people. I don't know.
Maybe I'll make a friend and, and, and focus on learning about liking them. You know, some of the basic things I talk about all the time, but clearly a lot of what you're talking about is a fear of what they might think.
And you're, you're, you're thinking too much about what they're thinking. These strangers, my guess is these men and, and, and talking yourself out of it and worried about what they're going to think of you and worried about if you're going to be accepted and you know who gives a fuck you know and if maybe you can practice the who gives a fuck little mentality and a little bit and for sure maybe that'll yeah i definitely have been told i i care a lot of what people think of me okay all right there you go and it's yeah so there's that yeah.
So there's that. And it's also, like I said, just the, it's like, I do not want to put myself through what could possibly be like torturous, awkward, but I know, I know something I have to do.
And like, I don't get that mentality in general. I think that mentality is more or more prevalent, but like life is pain in a lot of ways, you know, I don't, and I say this as I've gotten older, some of your most memorable moments as you get older and the moments you look back on fondly and the moments you learn from the most will be the moments that when they happen will be painful, will be sad, will be difficult, will be challenging.
Because that's his life. I don't know.
No one takes all their advice from other people like we just don't we have to live life experience it make mistakes for ourselves and you are skipping out on a lot of aspects of life for the sake of like not putting yourself through something that you don't even know what that something is like i don't know live some life get fucked up a little bit i don't know have someone fuck you over i don't know like yeah you'll be sad and you'll cry and like but you'll you'll live you'll deal like i don't know right now you it sounds like you have very limited resiliency yeah maybe and maybe you're resilient in ways that you don't realize you know but you are avoiding obstacles for the sake of protecting yourself. And I just want to let you know, you're not really, you might be protecting yourself in the short run, but you're definitely not protecting yourself in the long run because you're, you're avoiding lessons and opportunities for growth.
Yeah. No, I get you.
I, I also am someone who like you clocked me. Like I, I avoid things that I know will bring me discomfort, pain, just because I don't want to feel those things.
But again, I know it's something I want to do and I want to be better at, which is obviously why I'm talking to you now. It's just a matter of like getting myself to do it.
Yeah. I mean, you know, I know that, that, that is true.
I mean, you kind of hit the nail on the head. You head you know if you want to think of an analogy i'm sure you've seen a lot of guys cold plunging these days or women or whatever it's like a new phrase and yeah i don't think that ever gets easy but like it's a lot easier the more you do it and the first time you do it boy that first dipping your toe in that in that water is like i'd rather not a lot of times you're just like you know what fuck it i it.
I don't need to be cold. I don't, you know, fuck man.
You just got to do it. You just got to build up the fucking guts and you just got to do it.
And you got to tell yourself rationally, your rational brain has to take over and say, I feel all these things. I acknowledge my feelings.
Yes, I'm scared, but rationally, I know that I'm being irrational uh you got to understand the difference between being scared and being in danger that's something i was was kind of reinforced in my brain when i did that show special forces you know you're hanging from the sky and walking you know and scary shit but like i was safe i was all you know i was all strapped i was scared you know it's to do that shit, but I was never really in any danger, you know? Yeah. And that's a lesson you have to learn.
So you can, and, and I could have been scared. I can have told myself, oh, I got a kid on the way of this.
I shouldn't be doing this stuff. The reality is I was, I had to conquer a fear, you know? So when you get worked up and you get, you know, you gotta, you gotta check yourself and look in the mirror and call yourself out and be like, I'm doing the thing, you know, using that analogy of special forces, you know, there was this thing called the leopard rock, rock, walk, right.
And it was just basically this rope that was connected between one mountain to another and below it was, I don't know, like a mile deep. And I had to crawl on the rope across right now.
Granted, I was very safe. I was all hooked up to safety things and I could have jumped off and been totally fine eventually that's exactly what happened and when I did it I didn't do it because I didn't get to the beginning of that rope and then figure out how to be not scared I I did it while being scared yeah you know I just did it you know, so you're right now you're you get these dates you plan these dates and you get psyched out and then you try to convince yourself not to be scared and then you don't and so you flake you have to get to the point where you're still scared and you do it anyways because your rational brain says listen And like, we've, we normal we've done a zoom date um i've chosen a public place you know like yeah like basic shit just to make sure you're okay it might be a bad date he might be weird i might be awkward it might go terrible but honestly like that's not gonna hurt me i'm gonna be okay so let's just go and fucking do this shit and give yourself the grace to not be perfect and not have them like you and and and know that the first time doing anything it's not gonna be great at it so don't go in there with the expectation that you're gonna be perfect um and just see what the fuck happens one bit of advice is i wouldn't let the first guy you want to date with know it's your first date just don't make it a thing stop you know don't yeah he doesn't need to know it doesn't matter okay yeah like you know just yeah and just try to have fun you know just you know when i again back to the silliest celestial forces analogy like it is exhilarating the face of fear and when i was still scared as fuck when i did that but i was like i i know i'm scared but i know i'm gonna like it's gonna be fucking wild so like i decided to have fun then that was a choice i could just make a choice and say i'm gonna do this shit i'm scared but fuck it i'm gonna have some fun yeah and you can't you're capable of doing that you just haven't decided to do it yet yeah totally does that make sense is this helpful am i just yeah for sure it definitely is it feels good having it come from someone else because i talked to my sister i talked to like my friends to try and like not hold me accountable but just like i'll tell them and every time i, I couldn't do it.
And listen, you'll do it when you're ready. Yeah.
Just know. And that's, you know, I can say that and you can, you know, you could use as an excuse to push back on these people trying to like motivate you can be like, I'll do it when I'm ready.
Yeah. Sure.
But like, you know, but just know that you are costing yourself right now. You are costing yourself good times, valuable lessons.
You have fallen behind your peers. You'll live.
You'll get through it. You're still relatively young, but there's a cost.
And when you are ready to stop falling behind, when you're ready to stop missing out,'ll you'll do it but i would start being your

own toughest critic instead of your friends and i would try to challenge yourself yeah to not

talk yourself into quitting and being too scared and just jump in the fucking pool

and know that it won't be perfect it won't be you know you know be like here we go you know

Thank you. and pool um and know that it won't be perfect it won't be you know you know be like here we go you know yeah yeah i mean i do definitely get disappointed in myself when i do that because i'm like in my head i'm like okay it's a week away i'll do it i'll be fine and then like the day before or the day i've come to him just out of curiosity what what what is the what is the most common recurring thought that you have that psychs you out honestly it really is just the potential of it being extremely awkward challenge to talk to him ask questions yeah yeah no that's true just be curious be somewhat of an open book yeah you know you can ask a lot of questions and they you know listen if you go in there being you know do you like work he hates it he likes it i don't know follow questions oh that's really cool you know just give a shit pretend to care yeah and then maybe you find out you will if you go on a date and you pretend to care and this guy's like yes no yes no yes no yes no no doesn't elaborate just give you one word answers yeah you'll know quickly like yeah i don't know he's just and then maybe he'll be nervous too or he won't you know like it's just not gonna go perfect so just just be curious and be it's just a date.
You know, no one's watching. No one's judging.
No one's measuring. Yeah.
There's no awards being handed out. Got nothing to lose.
Yeah. You know, they're meant to be a little awkward.
Just try it out. Yeah, definitely.
Well, I just need to, like you said, do it anyways, because i'll overthink and overthink and then stop planning at a week ahead okay yeah okay yeah no no because that is so true because there will be times where like i'm like oh i don't have plans like i would love to like do something or tomorrow you know what i mean like go on a date like that would be fun but then i'm like i don't really have i don't know who to literally i mean at this point you literally just go on the app and just ask anyone this is not about meeting your guy this is about you like learning how to meet strangers yeah and so it doesn't matter the stranger honestly it might be better for you to go on a guy that you're not honestly you're like i'm not even interested in this guy i don't even find that attractive practice yeah that's that's a good point also i just when you said that it reminded me of something i feel like that is also where a fear comes from it's almost like if i uh match with a guy on hinge and like i don't give my number out a lot but here and there and we text for like a day or two or I I feel like I have I don't know it's it's just like a mental thing I feel safer I don't obviously there's no like uh nothing logical behind that other than just my brain versus meeting someone directly on the app I don't know why it feels like more of a stranger to me it's that's just a me problem but that definitely is something also that well meeting someone the app is more of a stranger yeah well i mean yeah i just feel like i need that like well like you said i could do facetime yeah i mean yeah listen meeting someone the app is literally just a stranger it's just like random fucking people saying i'm single yeah you know and you meet someone at your bar that yeah there's so much less of a stranger there's immediate rapport you see them in the wild you see what they look like you see their voice you see how they treat other people around them you know there's so much more yeah that's that's why that's why jumping on a facetime or zoom you can learn so much more about these strangers on the internet that will hopefully just give you a little bit more of a reason to...

And you can.

You can just be like, listen, I don't like meeting strangers or whatever, but I definitely...

And you say it as a confident woman, just be like, yeah, I like doing a vibe check.

Yeah.

If guys say no to that, then great. That's weird for them why would they say no to yeah something cool you know and when people say things like that's weird don't let it get in your head them saying that's weird is this that just says that's different than i'm used to and i'm not used to different and so i'm gonna call it weird to make you feel a certain way about me not liking something that you're comfortable with.

Yeah.

This mental game.

So like someone calling, you know, so like if someone calls something weird, let it be weird for them.

It's not weird for you.

No, totally.

You know?

Good point.

So if I were you, baby steps.

Try going on the apps and try having a couple Zoom slash FaceTime dates.

Let's try it out. Practice.
Okay. They don't need to know you're practicing yeah and when you practice be like yeah I just want to you know hey I've never done this before the guy will say and you're like yeah well you know it's just honestly meeting and you say like listen you know like honestly meeting strangers it's always fucking exhausting and I don't know I've an act you know just I just rather I just kind I want to do a vibe check you know and uh you know what do you you know instead instead of what do you what do you do for work and what are you doing this week and just over a text just do that over zoom and if anyone at any point is like oh this guy's not the worst to talk to just be like i don't know do you want to let's grab a coffee yeah you know and just go from there and and again just remind yourself i'm i am not doing it at this there's nothing there's no stakes here just i'm just yeah just meeting people yeah sure very very kind of open ended very cash very whatever uh kind of a personal question uh like but i'm just curious how this is playing a role um are you are you limited like i've like uh you haven't like have you had boyfriends like what's your like are you part you're you're very no i'm not are you a virgin yeah okay all right that's but yeah and i would say that subconsciously definitely plays a role but at the same time like i know who i am and i know that i wouldn't like not i don't want to say settle but like if someone made me feel bad for that i know it's no reflection of me if that makes sense like it wouldn't bother me i mean yeah okay that's why it probably would bother me but that's not something that necessarily like stopping me because i know like for the right guy it'd be fine and is this more uh is this a religious thing is this like uh you just you know just you just are yeah just like i just just never found well i guess just don't like whenever you want to,

you will,

whenever it feels right,

you will.

But like,

just my advice to you on that is don't make it more special.

Yeah.

Than it needs to be.

Respect it because it is a very powerful thing that most people don't respect,

but like it,

you know,

I think it's just a weird thing in 2024 religion and,

and, and other reasons you're making decisions aside but for someone like you yeah i don't i hope it's not the most memorable sex you ever have and i certainly hope it's not the most special sex you ever have um yeah so just that's it but yeah it sounds like it's not really having that much an effect in your dating life. I'm sure like, let's like everything.
There's everything is a, everything works together, you know, on some level. But I don't think these men need to know much about that until you really feel comfortable with someone that you're dating.
And, you know, until then you don't, I would be, this is a, you dating and you going out and meeting people is about you learning about them, not the other way around. It is their job to be curious about you and you can gauge your interest in them by how curious they are in you, but don't let their lack of curiosity trigger your ego and chase them for validation.
You know, so. Yeah, for sure.
That definitely is like, cause I want to date because I want to like experience it,

like learn who I am in that aspect of my life,

not necessarily to get a boyfriend right now,

or it's more so just for the experience of it all until like,

I guess learn more about myself and like experience things that I have not

before. So, yeah.

All right. Well, just, you know,

the final thoughts,

I think it's about your general mindset and that changing that mindset to be adventurous.

It's really just about that.

This is not about fine.

This is not about losing your virginity.

It's not about finding a boyfriend.

You know,

it's,

this is about getting better at meeting people,

uh,

and learning about people.

It's also learning a little bit about yourself. What do you learn about yourself when you're meeting these people? Like, what do you, what do you find yourself being drawn to? Those are questions you ask yourself after dates, you know? Yeah.
And just be open to learning. Yeah.
Face your fears. The biggest thing is when, if you can say the thing, I'm not going to do it because i don't want to feel that then then know that you need to do that thing yeah that is your like big that is your big like the bat signal that says you're you're you're you're avoiding this thing irrationally out of fears that are just fears and for sure when i'm i need to just do it because you know you you need to feel these things it's part of life yeah i agree i'll do it all right first step is a facetime date yeah make it simple and let's just you know maybe you want to do 10 of those before you actually do a real date but just make sure you're making some kind of progress, you know, and challenge yourself to like extend your comfort zone a little bit at a time.
Okay. Well, this was definitely helpful and encouraging.
Great. Well, follow up.
We're going to follow up with you in like a month. Uh, and hopefully, hopefully by then you'll have at least gone on a zoom date, but hopefully a real person date.
And I think the biggest thing is again,

it literally doesn't matter who just make sure they have a heartbeat.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

And they seem safe.

Yeah,

for sure.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Take care.

All right.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

Bye.

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