E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend

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How's it going? Good. My name's Ryan.
I'm 24 years old and my boyfriend can't do the dishes.

Say more. Elaborate.
Little context. We've been dating for a little over a year.
We did move in very quickly. I would say within a couple months, it was just the most practical thing at the time.
um so kind of from jump i'm a homemaker i I cook, I clean, you know, that's just who I am. And you're in the honeymoon phase, you want to be sweet and do all those things.
Now it's been like a year and a half. And he has not ever touched a dish.
He only takes the trash out if I ask. He is, I want to also say like kind in a thousand other ways, but like for some reason things can never be 50-50.
And I've asked plenty of times for a little bit of help and whatnot and don't get any. So in addition to not doing dishes, he doesn't do anything other than maybe take the garbage out when you ask like yeah like any household responsibility whether it is paying utilities taking the trash out he doesn't pay the bills he feeds the dogs we i will we share the finances we're very intertwined in a team when it comes to those things but even just the the simple task of like, hey, the Wi-Fi is due

and like hopping on there and doing it.

That is something that falls on my plate.

Or if like we just moved recently,

you know, trying to communicate with landlords,

things like that.

Like those are all responsibilities

that I take care of.

Is that an engagement ring on your finger?

Are you engaged?

No, it's not.

No, nope.

I just want to make sure. It's just decoration.
Okay, got okay gotcha do you want you want to marry this guy yeah i would and like i said in every other aspect of our life like you you would or you uh or you want to i want to okay you're like i mean i mean that with my heart you know uh well why why do you want to why do you want to why would you want to marry him he is truly like such a kind human being we are such a good team together on every other aspect of life another little background is we both work at the same company um kind of on different sides of it but like we do that very well together. We live together well.
Our families blend together well. He's kind to his nieces and nephews.
And he goes out of his way to be just a good person. He really is.
So I don't know why this simple task of just being a team in the house is so hard. That's a great question don't know why either and if you would have said hey like my why am i why does my boyfriend not want to do dishes and then i was like well what what does he do and he's like well you know he doesn't do dishes but you know he always cleans the bathrooms he empties out the garbage like he mows the lawn he just doesn't want to do dishes and i would probably be like okay well now he doesn't do dishes and i don't do laundry you know like you know and we've been able to find the things that like we like or dislike or hate and thankfully for us there's a lot of compatibility in the things that like we can make up for each other but you you say a lot of you say a lot of like generally nice things about your boyfriend and like he's good person, and he's nice to his nieces, and you work well together at your job, which is like, that's your job, kind of to work well together.
And it doesn't sound like you guys actually work together, but you're also being paid for this. It's like your job.
yeah and i think like communication like we do very well on too we he's very much the kind of person that if we have an issue i can feel comfortable like bringing it up we sit we chat about it none of those things but then when it comes to this it feels like it's in one ear and out the other because there's no like action to follow if that makes sense yeah it makes sense but i guess my question to you is what do you think you know your boyfriend i don't right i don't know this man never met him don't know what he looks like don't know his name know nothing about him other than what you've told me and so you're the one who believes in him you know him so why do you think despite him being this great wonderful person that you want to marry, why do you think he comes across like such an ass as it relates to this particular topic? Because what you're telling me is that despite all these things that you do around the house, that not only is he not willing to help, he doesn't really pay attention to what you do. maybe he thanks you i don't know but he it's like it'd be one thing you know it would be i think it would already be bad enough if you were doing everything and he just kind of like took it for granted didn't thank you and just kind of like enjoyed the benefits of everything you do around the house and never really acknowledging it.
But you're like, hey, I want, I need help.

You're back. benefits of everything you do around the house and never really acknowledging it but you're like hey i want i need help you're begging you're you're begging this man it sounds like and you're nodding yes you know and like he doesn't give a shit so like what what does he not so what else does he not give a shit about like you know what i'm saying like yeah we we have to i'm not saying he's horrible i'm not saying you should break up with him but like you've heard me talk about the three b's yeah the bed broom yeah the budget right and so the broom this is all under the broom he's he's a zero contributor as far as in terms of what you're saying on on one of the b's yeah there's three pillars that in in relationships people have to have some kind of understanding.
It doesn't necessarily have to be fair or equal, but there needs to be an understanding. You need to be on the same page somehow.
It doesn't matter what. Everyone's different.
Relationships are different. We're not here to tell people how it should be, but you need to feel on the same page with your partner and you are in left fucking field and he's not even, he's not even there.
He's not even showing up and you're begging and you're asking and he's like, he's not giving a shit. Why do you think that is? To be quite frank, I think that his mom has always done everything for him.
I actually had a conversation with his older sister about this. Truly, I was like at my breaking point, came to his older sister and was like, here's where we're at.
Like, do you have any insight? And she was like, growing up, he never had to really, like my mom did everything for us. Like she does the dishes, she handles things and she, we live in the same town as his parents now.
And they, she still does the same thing, you know, like if there's something that maybe I can't handle that day and he thinks he doesn't have time for like his mom will just drop everything and go do it. And so I think it's just, he's never had to lift a finger.
And so here I am, like, I truly have begged and pleaded in every way I can, I've been angry. I've been sad, like everything.
And it just feels like it's in one ear and out the other. I mean, like this, we've, we've had a hundred conversations about it and I kind of get the same response every time that it's okay.
I'm so sorry that you feel that way. I will do better.
I will be better. I like, I will.
And then a week, two weeks goes by. I'm still kind of handling everything.
And I've tried to give him plenty of opportunities, like leave the dishes a little extra long and see if anything changes. And it just doesn't.
And I think it's just because he's never had to before. Okay.
Fair enough. You're probably right.

But how are you going to change it?

I don't know.

I have no idea.

Despite what you want, do you think it's realistic to pursue a lifetime with this person if you can't get through to him? No, that's my fear is, you know, I would like to be a mom someday and like having the responsibility of that on top of handling everything else scares the shit out of me. Yeah.
I mean, you already have that. You already have a kid.
No, I would like to someday. I'm telling you, I'm telling you that wasn't a question.
I'm saying you, you have a child. He lives at home with you.
Yeah. Yeah.
And if you're right, you've, his mom. But yeah, you're right.
If you guys have a kid together, I wouldn't expect that to change anything. Yeah.
No, I think it'd just make it worse. When we had River, my mother-in-law, granted, it's been a while since she had kids of her own, and River was her her first grandchild and i didn't think much of it but like in the first week of her like of river's existence and she was staying with us she was like i've never i've never you know i'm not here and i'm not saying this to pat myself on the back but she's like i've never seen a man so involved with like helping out with the baby and i'm only saying that not to pat myself on the back.
I'm just saying like,

there's a lot of guys out there who don't help,

that don't participate. And for whatever the reason,

whether it's some sort of like misogyny, sexism,

or maybe their mom just always took care of them,

it's not the norm, right?

Or certainly it's not something that you can just expect.

And so the fact that you are dating someone right now

who is showing you these clear signs of just like this incapability of doing his part in the relationship. And like, that's his part, you know, like him being so bad at this is him choosing not to participate in an aspect of your relationship.
I doubt that you like doing dishes and laundry and all the paying paying bills like it's not like oh this is fun i enjoy doing it you're an adult you know it needs to get done you have familiarity with you know taking care of yourself and not having mommy or daddy doing it in part like you know so like have you ever considered not paying his side of things i mean i don't know how that affects you with rent or things like that. Yeah.
Yeah. Obviously, he's pretty good about like, you know, he Venmo's me his half and whatever.
Like everything is split very 50-50. It's just the act of like hopping on and doing it.
But I have told him like, you know, hey, babe, can you run down and get this title thing figured out for, you know, my truck or whatever the case is. And I've straight up just said, no, I work and I don't have time.
Like, and I have told him and sometimes it feels like he's just adding more onto my plate, you know, of even the smallest, he can ask me, you know, where's the forks at. And my kneeerk reaction at this point is just to be like i don't know you fucking find them yourself kind of thing because it's just festered so long yeah that the simple tasks i'm just like if you did the dishes maybe you would know you know does he do it or does he reach out to mom uh when you tell him i would say so he does pretty 50-50 so half the time you say no to him he'll reach out

to his mom

yes uh when you tell him no i would say so he does pretty 50 50 so half the time you say no to him he'll reach out to his mom yes how old is your boyfriend 26 i mean you know like i don't you know what what's your breaking point i don't know i think that's what i'm having a hard time with um like i said he is such a good person in so many other ways so So I haven't wanted to ultimatum him up until this point because I just think it seems dirty to me. I don't know.
So I'm just having a hard time deciding like, when do I draw the line? You know? What seems, I mean, the difference between an ultimatum of, I need you to propose to me, or we need to move in together, versus a quote-unquote ultimatum about him participating in your relationship. Yeah, and I will say I have told him this is not a situation that I'm comfortable continuing forward with in the future.
I will not marry someone that can't help how long you've been dating for i just won't do it uh probably about a year and a half okay when's your lease up uh we just started it so it won't be up again until next february next february okay are you talking about engagement at all or not? We've talked about it. Yeah.
In what context? Are you still talking about it? I guess my question is, is like you have this, you have this issue right now when it comes to his lack of participation and helping you out. Sometimes people will identify this problem and say, all right, well, this is a huge problem.
I can't marry someone who would be like this. I hope that you won't continue to stay like this.
We need to have this change. And then I guess once this change, I can reevaluate our potential in terms of spending a life together.
That doesn't usually happen though. What usually happens is like, oh, I got this problem, but I also, I have my own personal timeline when I decided I want to get engaged or married and yada, yada, yada, and I'm getting older.
And, you know, especially from the point of view of a woman, I understand that you guys have a biological clock you have to consider and things like that. And sometimes, or oftentimes, they will like, you know, acknowledge that there's a problem, but also simultaneously pursue the thing that they want, which, be a proposal and things like that, while just telling themselves, well, yeah, that's

a problem, but we'll just keep working on it.

And I love the man.

He's a good guy.

He's nice.

He's nice to his nieces.

So we can still move forward, a la move in together, sign a lease, get engaged, yada,

yada.

And you'll just hope that this problem changes.

And I'm curious, what is more accurate as it relates to you in terms of how you are

Thank you. together, sign a lease, get engaged, yada, yada.
And you'll just hope that this problem changes. And I'm curious, what is more accurate as it relates to you in terms of how you are going about moving your relationship forward? I've definitely, I guess I don't know if I've voiced this to him, but my own personal thoughts have slowed down a lot on my engagement timeline you know solely for these for these reasons.
I, I'm a pretty self-aware person, I think. And so I, yeah, I've kind of halted my brain on moving forward with engagement.
Like I truly think if he asked me tomorrow, I would probably say no. Just because I, there's not been any actions to follow up his words.
Okay, that's good to know. Yeah, I hope so.
Yeah, I don't want to marry someone that can't help. So I just don't, like, is this something that he will grow out of? Or is this just who he is, you know? Well, it's who he is today.
And I don't think he'll grow out of it. He's certainly capable of deciding to change because he realizes he does not want to be known as some kind of man child mama's boy who like honestly the more people find out about this kind of i don't know if i were him i'd be embarrassed it doesn't embarrass him yeah uh he seems to be okay with it clearly not going to.
And, you know, his mom seems to be willing to do enough.

And, you know, you're already starting to do at least some of the things that I would suggest you do, which is like certainly stop doing him any favors. Stop playing the role of his mom in any capacity.
as far as the things that just need to get done

because you want to live in a clean house

and bills need to get paid

and just because he's kind of a lazy, sloppy person, you know, you don't want to have to live in that environment, even though you agreed to live with him. I would say, you know, you just re-sign your new lease.
Listen, if you, it doesn't sound like you have any real intentions of wanting to break up with him. And I'm guessing that's not really on your decision tree at the moment so let's assume you continue to stay with this guy um if your lease is up in february and it hasn't gotten better then you absolutely should not continue to live together that would be a bare minimum if you really wanted to rattle him i would kick him out i would i would

replace him and find a roommate i mean my point is is like you are gonna have to do something drastic it sounds like because reason and asking and pleading and even begging hasn't changed anything All he does is say sorry and he'll try better.

But I'm assuming at this point, it must feel insulting for him to keep apologizing and saying he's sorry and feeling bad while simultaneously not doing anything. It's not that hard to do a dish.
It's just not that hard. And he doesn't have to do dishes you know i'm guessing all if if all he did was find two or three things that he took ownership of and helped around the house and went out of his way to say how can i help it would change everything drastically and that is truly bare minimum shit you know and he's not willing to do shit.
I had a conversation with him and it was probably the most productive a conversation has felt. And like, I'm just such at my breaking point that I will take anything, any effort.
Um, and we came up with a big three, which was, I don't expect you to do the deep cleans. I honestly find those days to

be very enjoyable. I put my headphones in, I get down and dirty, you know, and his big three could be helping with the dishes, taking the trash out and like just general pick up your clothes off the floor kind of thing.
Um, that conversation was probably two or three weeks ago. And I felt like it was a very tangible, he could, that was three things he could check off and it still hasn't gotten any better.
Yeah. Again, you're still trying to parent him.
That's what a parent would do with a child, right? And the only thing that's different between you and the parent is like, you can't punish him. Like you can't tell him to go in the corner or sit in his room or whatever, but you got to being his mom and you're still being his mom and you know it shouldn't be that hard to ask your partner to do some basic shit and i get it he's a nice guy he's nice to his niece but like there's no i've never heard a therapist or a relationship expert say you know just make sure they're nice to their nieces uh yeah you know like obviously if he was a dick They're his nieces, fine you know some uncles aren't as like you know they're just like yeah i got nieces they're nice i wish them well on their birthday yeah i would i i don't think i'm ever gonna win uncle of the year i've never been like mr like you know um take my nieces to a place you know i don't know i just i know.
I just, I haven't, you know, I think I'm nice, but I'm not like Mr. Outgoing uncle, you know? Um, but I tell you what, when it comes to my house, I, I participate.
I'm a partner. I, we do things together.
Sometimes we do them literally together. Sometimes we divide and conquer, but we raise our daughter together.
We, we, we take care of our house together. Like we both feel like we do our part because we, we do, we both do our part, you know, and that, that is such a big deal when it comes to a marriage or living, you know, as you now know, living, you know, you know, living together, it's been magnified that much more, you know, you can date a mama's boy or someone whose parents do everything for him, uh, and just be boyfriend and girlfriend with each other and get away with it.
But I mean, this is a big deal, you know? Um, and like, I guess my, my advice is you're going to have to do something drastic most likely. Uh, you might have to break up with them.
You might have to tell them that that like you're not changing and i don't want to live like this and i love you and i don't want to break up with you i need you to move out yeah i mean honestly if i were you i would i would maybe tease you know i don't know you need to be at least somewhat serious you know but do you have someone who could replace him? Like another man?

Oh, like a girlfriend or a roommate. Uh, yeah.
Okay. Cause like, yeah, you need, I think if I were you, I mean that the, the, the, the path of least resistance is to semi-seriously tell him that you want him to move out.
And this person that you're thinking of, or maybe people, are you in a position to maybe go to them and say, would you be open to this if it came to that? Is that something you'd want to do without them getting their hopes up in case a boyfriend changes his ways? Are you willing to do that? I don't want to. I really don't.
But yeah, I would. Of course you don't want to.
You want him to help out. Yeah.
You know, we know that you don't want to, obviously, right? You want him to help out. You want him to participate, but he's not going to.
He hasn't. He's shown you an unwillingness to change.
So that's kind of what I'm saying.'re you're past the hope point right you've tried the

hope you've tried the communication you've tried the asking you've you've talked to his sister you know you've done that like hope hasn't worked you know you don't want to break up yeah you're right he he doesn't give a shit or he doesn't care you know he doesn't care his actions say I don't need to change

because at the end of the day

she'll end up doing it anyways. Yes.
And I would rather have her nag at me than do dishes. Yes, you're totally right.
And you're, when you say like, it is almost just a slap in the face at this point, if he doesn't do it, Cause you know, it's almost embarrassing for me at this point that like, I have a boyfriend who I'm begging and pleading for help. And no matter what I say or do, he knows that I'm not going to go anywhere.
And yeah, I think you're right that it does need to be something drastic. I don't want to break up and I don't want to move out, but like, what other option do I have? You know, because clearly his words don't have any value at this point and neither do mine.
Yeah. So, and I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's, it's not going to get any better.
He's not going to grow out of it. And if you have kids with this man, it will only get worse.
Yeah. And I've talked to a lot of, I've talked to a lot of women who feel very stuck in marriages with deadbeat partners who just like, don't care enough to help.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't, I've really struggled with like where to go from here. Um, but I, and I've wanted to avoid any breakup ultimatum talks of any kind.

But I think it's at the point where that's kind of just what I have to do.

I mean, like the fact that he can't take out the garbage. Yeah.
Like he will watch it be full. And even, you know, he can't even lean into toxic masculinity to be like, I should take all the garbage on my God.
you know like he'll just sit there and watch and and and watch it pile on and pile on and just wait for his girlfriend slash uh maid uh to do it for him yeah and it just yeah like i said i told him we had a conversation about this literally last night and i told him that you know i just straight up't believe him anymore, that his words at this point hold no value to me when he says that he'll do something different because they haven't changed in the last four months. So why would it change now kind of thing? And that I just don't trust what he says anymore.
And it has started to fester into every other aspect of our relationship, like things that we, we never had a problem with our sex life before. And now like, why would I want to sleep with you when I'm tired? And the last thing I want to do is like, touch your penis.
I can't, I can't do it. I'm tired.
And that's the thing. Yeah.
Resentment has already, you know, kind of seeped into the relationship. Yeah.
And the the bummer part is is that he seems to be more likely to just start resenting you than change because you know the reality is if your sister is right it is very hard to change your ways after being catered to for your entire life and yeah he doesn't clearly doesn't want to change so now you're just going to come across as a nag and he's going to resent you and yeah you know like at this point is he even if he's he is he doing it because he wants to participate in the relationship or is he doing it just because he just wants you to shut up and have you touch his dick yeah and And he's mentioned, you know, in the same way that I feel like I'm not being listened to or anything like that. He does feel like I just nag him all the time and that I'm so hyper focused on it.
And he feels insecure because we don't have sex as much as we used to, you know, and I, and I've told him like, yeah, I'm probably not a joy to be around. I'm probably a bitch half the time, but like, I don't know what you would want me to do any differently.
Like until things get better, I am going to continue to be frustrated and it's going to just get worse. And what's he say? He agrees.
He's never told me that what I'm saying is wrong. That's the hard part is he doesn't ever disagree with me on anything.
It's very annoying. And I've told him, I almost feel like crazy at this point that my expectations are so far out there and unobtainable that I literally think I'm going insane because I must just be like such a crazy clean freak girlfriend, whatever.
And I know I'm not, but I told him that you make me feel that way. And he's like, well, that's not my intention.
And, you know, I never want to make you feel like you're crazy and your expectations aren't too far out there and it is doable and and I will do better. And yeah, those words are just so nice to hear, but they don't mean shit anymore.
Like when are you doing the laundry and doing, when you're doing all these things, what's he doing? Sitting on the couch. Watching you? Yeah.
Watching me on his phone, whatever. And have you said anything in that moment being like, can you help? Yeah.
And usually if I say something, he will like, I'm like, Hey, trying to clean things up around here. Do you think you can maybe do the dishes and you know, I roll and he'll go up and do it and that's great and all.
And yeah, that took it off my plate today. But what happens next week and constantly having to ask for help gets very exhausting.
Anytime I ask, he will do it. But I don't want to have to ask anymore.
Well, okay. Let me ask you this.
What if you only had two choices? You could

obviously leave the relationship

or you could marry him.

He will be the nice, loving, caring, good uncle

that he is.

But when it comes to helping you around the house

or being a parent,

you will almost always have to ask. But if you ask, he will generally mostly do it.
Which one would you choose? That sounds like a miserable life. I would probably opt to break up.
If I knew that that was what my future was going to be, I would opt to break up. Even if he, what if he jumped right up and said, sure, no problem when you asked.
Still seems frustrating. Still seems like I'm his mom.
And maybe that's unrealistic. I don't know.
But that seems, I'm sure not. It's not unrealistic.
I don't think Natalie has to ask you to do the dishes. No, but she has to you know we ask each other to do things from time to time you know for sure um and i think she definitely asks me every day for some kind of help but i'm all i'm also often doing things on my own yeah and i think there's you know blue and pink jobs of how silly that sounds, if I'm going to clean and do the laundry and whatever, that's fine.
But like, go change the oil in my car, you know, like if that's what it is or hang the shelf or do the things that if you want to be a man, do the things that a man does. But the problem is, is that I am independent and I handle my own shit.
And, you know, I've told him, I was like, if you don't want to clean and you don't want to do that, that's fine.

But when it comes to mowing the lawn and changing the oil in our cars and things like that, you guys have a lawn jobs, you guys live in a house. Yes.
Who's mowing the lawn. Um, at our last rental, our landlord mowed it for us.
Um, and and at this one there's someone else that now mows it as well which is good i guess that takes something off of but just in the concept of life like to me like if i'm going to do everything else those are some other things that you could do or like clean the garage maybe that's your job but at this point they're all my jobs. I you're in a you're yeah you're gonna have to do something drastic you know and you'll have to figure out what that what's what are you comfortable with but yeah you have to consider the fact that you guys aren't as compatible as you wish yeah okay you know i'll tell you i'll tell you an anecdotal story when i was on the bachelorette it really irritated me when uh granted it's bachelorette and there's a lot of group dates and interrupting and things like that and when the leads on a date all the people sitting around the house will have the the man chats the girl chats and the producers were asking questions and a common question was always so do you think do you think Joe is going to come back today or something? Do you think Joe is going to get a rose? Or do you think he's going to get sent home or whatever? And it always would annoy me when my peers would be like, oh yeah, Joe is such a good dude, man.
Of course he's going to come back. And I'm like, who gives a fuck if he's a good dude like what is this isn't the good dude

competition this is like who has a better connection who's more compatible who does she like the most uh it's not about being a good guy you know like i'm glad he's a good guy and i'm glad that joe whoever she was was a good guy or whatever you know what i'm saying but like when it comes to relationships if all you can say about why you two are together or why you two work and why you love him or choose

him above anyone else in this world if he's like because he's a good guy uh and he's nice to his

nieces like maybe he's not your guy you know you, you seem like a bit type A. You like things done a certain way.
That's fine. But you are dating the literal opposite of you.
You know, like, you know, it's like, huh? Yeah. You know, so to him, maybe you are just a nag.
I don't know. Maybe to him, he needs someone who's a little more chill.

Maybe he needs someone who's a little more comfortable letting some clothes pile up for a day or two because eventually he'll get to it.

Maybe he needs someone who's like, I'm just never going to think to do this shit.

But if you ask me, I guess I'll get up because whatever.

But you don't want that.

It's frustrating for you. You resent that person.
Something's got to give, right? And the big question is, can you, can he, can both of you a little bit? Or do you guys decide that despite both being good people, maybe you're not each other's person? I feared that that's what you were going to say. Well, I mean, I'm just throwing out options.
I'm only saying what I'm saying based on what I'm getting from you. Yeah.
I don't think you're totally wrong. And I do think that he thinks I'm a clean freak.
I promise. I like a clean home.
I do, but I'm not. I have three dogs.
They sleep in our bed. They sit on our couch.
They drink out of our toilet. There are dishes in the sink sometimes, and that's cool.
I'm not a freak by any means. I know I'm not, but sometimes he makes me feel like I am.
I mean, listen, you don't have to sell me. Nally and I, we're busy people you know, we're busy people.
We, you know, we're not big, like, we don't grocery shop for the week. You know, we're surrounded by grocery stores.
Most nights when I come home from work, I call her up and be like, what do you, you know, what should I pick up for dinner? And I'll stop at a grocery store. I'll get the ingredients for whatever I'm going to make.
I cook dinner and, you know, I don't know. I usually clean the kitchen.
She's usually giving River a bath. She's usually the one, like, doing all clean the kitchen she's usually giving river a bath she's

usually the one like doing all the laundry she's usually the one like i don't know i have vacuumed i don't know no times in 2025 and it's not true i'm once or twice but you know what i'm saying like we just it fits but like it sounds like the idea that he would call you up and say hey babe what can I pick us up for dinner

does that ever happen

okay so

I told like the idea that he would call you up and say hey babe what can i pick us up for dinner when does that ever happen like okay so i told you we've been dating for a year and a half ish valentine's day was what a month ago yeah the first time he ever cooked me dinner in our entire relationship was this valentine's day i mean i'm not even talking about cooking i'm talking about does he even get offered to like get the groceries or stop at the store or or run an errand for you no that's crazy no it's crazy yeah was it good was he a good cook it was fine it was steak yeah and if that's what and i've told him there's nights that i work late later once a week if he cooked you a nice steak i'm sure you'd really appreciate that yeah i would love that yeah i there's nights that i work late and whatever and i've told him you know if i work from eight in the morning until nine o'clock at night it'd be really nice to come home and it could truly at this point if it was Kraft mac and cheese sitting there waiting for me like i would be over the moon at this point because yeah like it's just one thing to take off my plate. You know? You have to remind yourself that you're not happy.
I know that's a weird thing to say, but you're pretending this is, you're not happy, you're miserable. You're at the point of resentment.
So, and I only say that because it's just like, you have to make a decision because this, you're not happy, right? So why are you continuing a life that makes you so unhappy? Something needs to change. You need to drastically change something or shake it up or something.
You need to try to get through this person. And that's the thing, though.
And your predicament is that people almost never change for anyone else. And when they do, it's always very temporary, right? So even if you broke up with him or made him kicked out, whatever changes he would make in the short term would be almost impossible to trust because it would be doing it just because you scare the shit of him.
He's trying to get back together with you or y yada yada yada and so your predicament is to how will you ever trust that after 26 years of being taught how to do one thing how can you trust that he is actually committed to wanting to change i honestly fear that it's a compatibility issue because it's it's it's just more likely that you're you're better off finding someone you're a little more compatible with and then maybe that's it i think maybe the most realistic drastic thing you can do is to sit him down and say i don't know if we're compatible you know because right now you're you're nagging him about chores you're like do you're not doing enough do more you're just yada you, you're telling him to do stuff. When you come to him and present to him, I've been thinking I'm worried.
I don't think we're compatible. And as sad as that makes, as sad as that makes me feel, I'm just wondering if maybe we're not each other's person.
And that, that, that will ring, that will, that will, he'll hear that differently. And cause that's you, that's you kind of giving up.
That's you not trying anymore. That's you kind of admitting defeat.
And that's him maybe having to hear something that he doesn't want to hear, you know, because you nagging at this point, he just, he's just like, oh God, I'm sorry. And that's the thing.
When he apologizes, you can say, listen, that's the thing. You can stop apologizing to me.
As I realized that like, I can't change you. And honestly, I don't want to change you because you would just resent me.
And this is who you want to be. And I'm just, I'm who I am, right? I'm never going to be okay with being your mom or allowing this house to just be filthy and messy.
And I don't want to wait around for things to get done. And I also don't want to nag you.
And I'm just wondering if maybe like, you know, I love, I love you and I don't want to break up with you. I'm so sad.
You might maybe, I don't know, but like, we don't get along on a very important aspect of relationships and see if that affects it, affects him, you know, and don't say things like you're not going to find anyone like me or anyone thing, you know, you have to almost, it's true. Like this isn't, you know, you kind of have to acknowledge the truth, which is we're not on the same page.
I can't, I don't want to live like this. I don't think we're compatible.
I don't have a choice because like that way, when you deliver it that way, he can't necessarily plead with you to reconsider anything or give him another chance. It's not about giving him a chance.
It's about you recognizing and accepting something you didn't want to believe, which is like, I don't know, maybe we're not compatible. And that way you can be like, I don't know, change.
Just like, I'm not even saying or doing this to get you to change because I don't want you to change for me, you know, because I'll just, then I'm just a nag. So what I want is I want as a man who wants to be my partner in all aspects of a relationship and living together and having a family like requires two people to want to help.
And I want someone who does. Yeah.
That's something I've definitely never tried before. I think I'm stubborn and I, yeah, maybe part of the reason I like won't ultimatum or anything like that is just because I won't have to admit defeat and that we're not compatible.
I have not wanted to admit that up until this point. Um, and that's probably the one conversation that we've never had, uh, in regards to this.
No, it might be worth having. So yeah, I think you're right.
These are prime years you're giving up. I really appreciate it.
Yeah. And I know I'm young and I, there's plenty of time to break up and get back together with someone else and do, you know, date other people.
Like I'm not stressed about that. Like I'm only 24 and I've always told him that I don't need you.
I'm more than capable of doing everything by myself clearly, but I want you. And like, even that doesn't hit.
So it's like, yeah, I think I just need to like pitchforks down and admit that I'm, that we're not compatible. Well, listen, I don't see him making any decisions.
So it's all going to have to come from you.

So you will decide when you're actually truly fed up.

And then that's when you will actually do something about it,

whatever it is you do.

But as long as you recognize that he's not changing

and it's not about asking things a different way

or a better way or communicating things.

He just, this is who you're,

this is who you're in a relationship with. And he really has to want to care.
He doesn't believe

you're going to do anything about it. Yeah.
I think you're, you're totally right. And I,

yeah, I really appreciate the honesty. I knew that was exactly what I was going to get calling

you. And that's kind of, you know, I talked to my friends and they can all agree that he's a great

guy. He's a great guy.
He's a great guy. And I appreciate the insight from one, a man who helps

Thank you. And that's kind of, you know, I talked to my friends and they can all agree that he's a great guy.

He's a great guy.

He's a great guy. And I appreciate the insight from one, a man who helps around the house and, you know, is a partner to his wife.

And I appreciate just someone being like so blunt and honest with me.

All right.

Well, I'm here.

Good luck.

Keep us posted.

I'd love to know what you decide to do.

But, yeah, it's a tough situation because I empathize with your plight, you know, because, you know, all jokes aside, it's not easy to consider leaving a relationship where you love a lot of the things they bring to the table. But same thing, you know, if he was, let's say, helpful, but let's say he was terrible with money, terrible credit, gambling problems.
I mean, that would be, despite him being a good guy, that would be a serious red flag and concern and something that would ultimately be something that you would have to take on that responsibility if you married that person. And I think the broom element of a relationship is easy to overlook, you know, because it's like not that hard to sleep a floor or empty a dishwasher or wash a dish, but like it is magnified tenfold when you guys start having a family.
You know, as you get older, you have more responsibility, both probably at work and at home. More and more people rely on you.
As you get older, you'll not only be a parent to your children, but you'll start taking on more kind of nurturing roles when it comes to your parents and things like that. And you're sure going to want a partner who's there to help, you know, help with all aspects of being a team.
I mean, my favorite thing about being married is I really feel like I'm, I have a partner, you know, that I have a teammate in life and that we get things done together, you know, and that whatever emotional problem or, or like tangible, like work, you know, like I have a partner and you don't have a partner. You have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I do. And I, yeah, I'm just tired.
Honestly, I'm just exhausted. I work full time and come home and handle everything at home and everything in our social life and all those things.
And yeah, I'm just at this point just exhausted. And I'm having a very hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, that should tell you something. Yeah.
If nothing else, it tells you that everything you've done so far is not enough and that you need to take more drastic measures and talking about it isn't going to do anything. Yeah.
And I'll leave you with this. Just remember,

stop acting like his mom. Stop assuming the role of his mom.
Anything feels like, you know,

short of like you're getting it done because not getting it done would affect you. Stop doing

anything that he is capable of doing on his own. Okay.
I think that's a great place to start. And yeah, I think I'll know my breaking point when I get there.
All right. Well, good luck.
Thank you very much. I really appreciate it.
I do just want to say that I listened to every single episode of Ask Nick, all the episodes, Reality Recap, and I just really, I love listening and it's great. Me and my best friend, Sierra, we work together.
And so we have you in our headphones together at the same time, all the time. And we're totally obsessed.
That means a lot. I love to hear it.
Please tell all your friends and thank you for, thanks for calling in. Thanks for listening.
Okay. Thank you so much.
Take care. All right.
Bye-bye. Bye.
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Well, what do you think? I'm leading to yes. Tell me more about this guy and what, so this is like a situationship I'm guessing.
We met at a party and we hooked up the first night and we started hanging out or we started talking a lot and then we hang out a couple of times and then now it's kind of like faded out. And I feel like maybe I was into it more than he was, but he kind of just like ghosted me.
But I thought that this was going to be someone that maybe I could like see myself like getting more involved with. And as of late, it was kind of just like plateaued.
What was the last time you heard from him? So we were kind of in this conversation where he's a really crappy texter. Like he takes like a day or two to respond to my texts and our texts are more like lengthy and in depth.
So I always thought that that was like, okay. But the one day he had kind of said to me, oh, sorry that I like suck at texting.
I'm not interested in keeping you waiting, blah, blah, blah. I was like, okay, that was kind of out of nowhere, but I wasn't sure like where he was coming from for that.
And we decided that he wasn't ready or in a position in his life to kind of progress things, but I was willing to more so like take a step back and meet him where he was at. And so I had sent him a text message a week later saying I was good to keep things more casual.
And he wrote back being like, okay, can I get back to you? And I was like, yeah, sure. And then that was three weeks ago and he's just not ever gotten back to me.
Gotcha. What is different about this particular guy? And I don't mean the guy himself.
I mean this situation. Is this the first time you've hooked up with a guy on the first night? No.
I think what really struck me was he treated me with a lot of respect. Okay to what and that was kind of more like what specifically so like you know what i'm saying like you met him at a party you guys hooked up that night you've done that before okay but what following that that hook up felt differently specifically i think like he he was he was doing more gentleman like things for me okay like like opening the door throughout like our hang dinner or something yeah opening up the door wiping the snow off um you know putting on my jacket for me uh like that that type of stuff and then you know i also noticed that even though he sucked at like texting back at in a decent time frame like he was also not on his phone, like with me and a lot of people, like we, we know a lot of the same people and they were always like, Oh, he's, he's great.
Like, he's such a good guy, like good for you type of thing. So kind of like reassured, like, okay, like this is, this is a good one I'm going after for, it wasn't someone that was like, I had typically gone for in my past so it was like new but yeah so I'm I'm just kind of like stumped thinking like you know he kind of just I mean he kind of told me he didn't want to progress things and when we had got together one night after he had sent that text message we talked about in person.
And he had kind of said that he was so busy with work that he didn't have the capacity or he didn't want to feel more weight on him, like in the girlfriend style. But he's like, your wife material.
If you want a boyfriend, you totally deserve it. You should go after it.
But like, I can't do that that right now yeah and then he also told me to protect myself which i know i was thinking i was like oh gosh i was like if i write into nick and i tell this him he's gonna be like if someone tells you to protect yourself against them then like you'd be a fool not to believe them type of thing right is that what he meant protect himself against him from him like i protect myself against him yeah i don't know that that's what he said so yeah i mean so like why are you having such a hard time getting over this guy i don't know because your friend said he's a good guy and he no i don't know a couple of things for you how many times you guys hook up well before this whole like happened, we had gone on three dates. Did you hook up all three times? Yeah.
And I thought it was like fireworks. That's what I thought of my dick in ties because I thought it was like great.
You thought the sex was great? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I mean, listen, like I guess what can I help you with? It's like, he's not even talking to you, right? So like, what were you hoping to get out of this call? this call and like you know how did you feel starting the call and how are you hoping to feel by the time the call was ending i don't know i i feel like i need someone to like tell me which like my friends have been telling me but i need someone to tell me be like get over it type of thing or or like just because this is like one of the first guys to treat me like with respect is that why i am like hesitant to like keep walking away type of thing well i mean he he basically has told you to stop and he hasn't called you at all so it's borderlining on like being creepy by suggesting that you're not going to give up on him like Like you're, you're just nothing. Well, no, it's not that I'm not going to give up on him.
I mean,

I haven't reached out. No, I get that.
But like mentally you're still talking like, is there's,

there's something to hold on to. Yeah.
I think I was just hopeful that like,

if I were to like, see him out and about that, like, maybe like we could rekindle.

Because, I mean, I don't doubt that if you met him out and about at the right time and the right day of the week that it could lead to you guys rekindling i don't think that's gonna be in the way that you hope it might mean just sex yeah even the good guys are still guys you know yeah right and and guys well i mean guys How old is he? in his early 30s i think guys in their early 30s 20s whatever like they'll often say yes to sex if sex says on the table you know right and it's a lot easier for men to disconnect from sex and not feel any type of emotions connected to sex and they can still be a generally a good guy and it's like the difference between him he's a little more thoughtful and a little more considerate than maybe the average fuck boy and i'm sure he is a good guy and maybe he'll be a great guy to the person he really wants to be in a relationship with but he's giving you all the signs he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and he thought sex was pretty good with you enough to want to do it again and then as soon as you started elevating how you felt about him he immediately started distancing himself from you yeah which means that all he really wanted from you was sex and he thought you were nice nice enough a cool enough hang but ultimately hearing how you felt about him made it very clear to him how he felt about you or didn't feel about you right yeah so you believe in the whole like if he wanted to he would type of thing like if a guy's interested in you it doesn't matter how busy they are in their schedule like this particular scenario 100 yes. He is not too busy for work.

And he is not.

It might be true that right now, if given the choice, having a girlfriend is not on his top priority list.

But what is true, that as he met the right person, he would absolutely be in a relationship with her.

Assuming that eventually he wants to settle down and have kids.

So yeah, this guy would if he wanted to.

Yeah, when we had a kind of conversation about that he said he didn't see kind of kids in his future he didn't want kids and he didn't even know what he wanted like in his future in terms of like a wife and a family and yeah well there you go so he's not even someone who's sure what he wants and despite him being a nice guy what do you want like do you want to have kids or settle down get married like what are your relationship goals yeah i i would like my family like a family and kids so uh him telling you i mean again like maybe it's a line but it's also probably true i mean it's probably true that right now he is unsure about what he wants for himself as it relates to a family and you're not in and you're not even like listening to that you're just like oh he opened the door for me i know it's it's it's like it's sad i've i've i mean him i think he's healed some wounds that like i didn't realize were still there so it served its purpose in the What wounds did he heal? Well, just like in terms of that, like I was going for guys that like really treated me like shit. So it's like, why was I going for these guys and giving guys time? How quickly are you usually hooking up with the people you're going on dates with? I'm not really dating to be honest..
And if I were to hook up with guys, it was more like traveling. It wasn't really from where I live.
And that was just more like you just hooked up and you just kind of moved on? Guys with I travel with, yes. Or I would still, I still talk to them.
But it's more like... But it's pretty cash.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what about men that you've dated i would say i haven't really dated a lot like i dated in high school which counts in a way and then i had one relationship but okay well these men that you refer to these other bad men that you usually go after what who are these men and where they fit in i think they were just from like my like university days that like i would meet guys like at bars type of thing i mean you're 29 what have you been doing for the past five years traveling not really dating you haven't dated at all you just you've been just traveling and having the occasional like travel hookup buddy uh yes i mean i i dated someone and we broke up like three or four years ago, but yeah, that's it. Okay.
Well, I don't know. Maybe you just need more practice dating.
Maybe you just haven't gotten out there enough. Maybe most of your adult life, as you've just described, was college, whatever, you do your thing in college.
But post-college, you've been traveling, which is cool and exciting, and doing a lot of independent things, which is cool and exciting. And you've had some fun, casual sex, which can be cool and exciting.
And you've been able to disconnect from that sex in a way that a lot of men are able to do. And that's truly like, you know, again, like I always say, if you're going to, I don't, man, woman, whatever, you want to participate in a culture, great, go nuts.
Like sex positivity, have your fun, but be honest with yourself about your ability or inability to disconnect emotionally from sex, because that's all it is going to be if you don't have emotional connection. And it takes months at a minimum to have any type of emotional connection with someone.
So, yeah, I know maybe you need to kind of get out, you know, and so I don't know what I'm hearing is you met this guy kind of went on a couple dates. You hadn't really ever done that much in your adult life.

And it felt right.

It felt good.

It felt like it, you know, like you said, like it should.

But, you know, you didn't really have much to go on, you know, and so maybe you need to get out there and experience more dates and some bad dates and some good dates.

And you need to meet other nice people who aren't your people so that you know nice doesn't become your only barometer you know right and it's also just as a note i think people need to start separating hookup culture and dating culture and the problem with dating culture is that people don't know the difference between hookup culture and dating culture and dating culture is a lot more difficult when it starts with sex. Yeah.
It just is. Doesn't make it impossible.
Just makes it more difficult. It makes it more complicated.
And so, you know, maybe you, when you are dating, you focus on dating and you, you know, hold out the sex, you know? And if, you know, when you're traveling and you're doing your thing and it's just like, Hey, I want to have a good time with a sexy man and a cool place. And like, you know, not going to fall in love because they live across the world, then do your thing, you know? But when you're going on dates with people who live in your area and you're going on a date with the, you know, thinking, I don't know, who knows what could happen, but maybe I'll like this guy.
And maybe if I like this guy, maybe we could be something. And I like what I know so far, which is very little, mostly based off their bio or whatever, or maybe you met him in person and you thought they made a good impression.
If that's the type of date you're going on, maybe despite how great the date is or how much chemistry you might feel, maybe you hold off and build that anticipation while you two get to know each other you know yeah so i'm finding it hard to even like meet people the apps suck i mean i i went back on hinge and there's one guy i'm talking to and i'm not sure like how that would like work out but i'm not really meeting people out in like real life so i don't know where where i'm supposed to meet someone that like I would potentially see as a partner or someone that I would want to date with. I mean, how hard are you trying? I don't know.
Cause you make it seem like when you've traveled, you know, you've had the occasional fun hookup. Yeah.
And how are you meeting them? Like at the bar. Okay.
Or like on like a, like an adventure type of thing, like excursion. Okay.
I mean, listen, like I think sometimes we have unrealistic expectations and I get it, you know, very easy to become impatient with our love lives and dating lives. But it doesn't sound like you actually have a hard time meeting people.
It sounds like maybe you're not meeting, you haven't found your person as a 29 year old. It sounds like maybe overall that there's a general

frustration or a little bit of an anxiety about like, when am I going to meet that person?

At the same time, you've also have to recognize the lifestyle you've been living,

you know, is one of more independence and adventure, which I think you will be very

great. Older you will be very grateful for younger you for, for having that fun.
But also

you have to recognize that you've made those choices and own those choices and maybe that like you had you were making different decisions as a 24 year old woman than maybe say someone who was like dead set on like finding a husband and being a mom you know no neither right or wrong you know but now that you're 29 maybe you're a little more intentional about dating you know maybe you like want to you know maybe like the travel hookups have just like you know it was fun but like i don't you know, but now that you're 29, maybe you're a little bit more intentional about dating. You know, maybe you like want to, you know, maybe like the travel hookups have just like, you know, it was fun, but like, I don't, you know, how many more of those can I do? Yeah.
So maybe you just need to like have a little patience, put yourself out there, try new things, go on dates with people that, you know, you're not obsessed with before you even get to know them, you know, try it out. You're gonna have to be patient, but don't, you know, waste your time on people who make it very clear that they're not interested in moving forward.
Right. Yeah.
Before that guy had even said that he didn't have the time for me, I was like, whoa, I didn't even know that that's like, yeah, I thought some of the things that we had talked about, he could lead into a potential partner, but I didn't even like decide in my head if I had had feelings for him or he was someone that I saw myself dating. Like it kind of like we got in this conversation and then like, that's when like a real, what are we type of conversation was had.
And I was like, that was kind of premature. Like we were just hanging out and seeing how it was going.
And then now it's like, okay, no, nevermind. Well, because you had sex most likely.
Yeah. I mean, sex for men is, yeah, I mean, it keeps them interested in that.
Not sex, but the thought of having sex. But once men have sex with people, they barely know whether they realize it or not.
Like it just kind of takes, they better just be obsessed with having sex with you. even then when you start pulling out like hey what are we and what are we you know i like you and he's just like on the fence about it and if he's already had sex with you a couple times he's just gonna be like i'm good i doubt he's thinking consciously i know what it's like to have sex with her and i don't care anymore and i'm good he's just like he just doesn't think he likes you enough you you enough.
He's not that curious about you anymore. You need curiosity to stay interested.
He did things that were new for you, right? You had dated, it sounds like by your own admission, you've dated these shitty men or whatever, or also maybe you just weren't dating all that much. You were traveling and, and, you know, being Miss Independent,

which is great.

And now you've decided,

all right,

I want to date more intentionally now for the sake of maybe finding a

person.

Right.

So you meet this guy.

He's pretty nice.

It's a little different.

He's opening doors.

And for you,

that sparked your curiosity.

And that was enough for you to say,

Ooh,

I'd like to learn more,

you know?

And I think women,

when it comes to sex,

typically not always will be bonded to the people they have sex with for no other reason than that they had sex. And you will feel a pull and connection to this person you had sex with without even being able to explain it.
Where men on the other side are like, yeah, I don't know, I kind of need you to give me like 30 minutes. I don't honestly even want you around me right now because their body chemistry is telling him a different thing, you know? And there was nothing that made him curious about you to want to learn more.
Yeah. And that's, again, that's not to, that's not a reflection on you or not to make you feel bad.
You know, it's just like, that's human. I don't know.
There's a lot of people who are not interested in get to know me more and vice versa like and they might have thought i was a nice guy they might even thought i was attractive i don't know but maybe my quirky aloof kind of very unique personality wasn't the right fit for them you know um and i wasn't their cup of tea i was fine i was nice i was a cool hang you know maybe they even enjoyed some of my bed skills but like at the the other day, maybe I just wasn't their guy, you know, like it's not, you know, you're not for everyone. You're not supposed to be, and not everyone's for you.
You know, that's where you have to get your ego out of all this, but. Yeah.
That's what my thought was kind of coming into play was that like my ego was like, oh, like I can't believe it type of thing. And like the rejection kind of like.
Sure. There's a little bit of that.
Yeah. There's a little bit of that.
There's probably a little bit of like you having sex with this guy a few times and that that bond that made you feel connected to him more than it made him feel connected to you he also again did some things that were new to you and you enjoyed the newness and it intrigued you and he didn't get the same feeling and again you're also looking for maybe a boyfriend he also not looking for a girlfriend. There was a lot of things that played into why this didn't work out.
You know, what you need to have happen is have it not like just fuck you up or have you just like, you know, become obsessed in a way with this guy and just chalk it up to like, yeah, you know, just not my guy, as opposed to like not listening to him and accepting his answer and just taking it for what it is, is like, I don't know, he's just not that into you. Yeah.
When, when I wrote in to speak with you, it was like the first week after we had just stopped talking. So, and then like, I've been processing it the last couple of weeks and I'm like, okay, I think I'm good with like where I'm at with it.
But I just wanted more of that, like validation and like reassurance from you. Cause all like everything that you're saying, I've already like processed in my head and I'm in therapy.
And we talked, we talked about this, like with my therapist and about, okay, like this is someone who's been showing new things for me, but okay, now it's my turn to kind of write on paper, what I do want from a partner and what are things that I'll be looking for in non-negotiables and that type of stuff. So if anything, he showed me some qualities that I will now demand type of thing in my next partner.
Or just, you know, look for, you know. Look for, yeah, sorry.
Well, yeah, not demand, he must open my door, but like things that I won't like settle for type of without. Yeah.
And just remember when it comes to you dating, it's a lot easier to make clear decisions when sex isn't involved, at least before you really know who they are. And again, that's, I'm not here to tell you who you shouldn't have sex with or how fast you should have sex.
I just want you and anyone listening just to be honest, just respect what sex is and be honest with yourself about what you want to get out of that relationship or that interaction. And just be honest with yourself about how sex is going to change that dynamic because it always does.
And then, you know, just make a decision. Right.
But yeah, I get the impression from you that hookup culture and dating culture, there's really been no difference for you. Right.
And a lot of what you've done in your twenties is more participate in hookup culture, which again, older you is going to be very appreciative of that. Right.
I'm very grateful, you know, for all the wondering when am I going to meet my person? And if you would have told 25 yearyear-old me that I wasn't going to meet my person until I was 40, I would have panicked. But now that I'm in the position that I'm in, I am not wishing I was out at the clubs.
I'm not wondering what I gave up. I had a lot of fun.
I got to do all the things I wanted to do. I have no regrets.
I still am in a relationship where I do a lot of cool and exciting things. So be glad that you've lived this life.
Be thankful for it. And now that you are, it's, you know, you're kind of, it almost sounds like you're in a transitional period from dating more for fun and excitement and for sex.
And now you're, you know, you're getting older, you're approaching 30 and now you want to make some changes in your life. So I think maybe slow down a little bit, take it easy on yourself, be a little patient and just be mindful of your choices.
Yeah, I think you're right. Cause I think I spent the majority of like my twenties traveling and working and working to travel and then taking like five, six weeks off to go do that.
So then I wouldn't have time to, to date. So that always got put on a back burner, but I also didn't, I didn't really want to date.
Like I didn't want to open myself up to like potentially get hurt again. So now that like, I'm in a spot in my life where I feel like I have my ducks in a row, I'm ready to kind of take that like next chapter of life with someone else.
Like it is like discouraging when someone someone who I thought maybe could have been someone cool to date didn't feel the same. That's where the ego and the rejections, like, ah, damn.
Okay. Well, welcome to the club.
It's part of life. Touches life.
C'est la vie. There you go.
All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful.
I you know you need to let this it's getting weird for you to like keep talking about him and not accepting yeah so you know i i was in the accepting part of it i just wanted to chat with you all right well go forth and prosper and uh just be patient podcast is great i appreciate it podcast is great listening to it thank you very much i appreciate it and uh good luck with love take it easy on yourself it sounds like you're doing just fine this guy fucked you up a little bit yeah yeah i'm good though i got my girls if anything well then that's great but also like you have to put you have to be willing to get hurt to find love yuck you'll live it's fine it honestly it's it can be fun like what's the what's the point of life without feeling i don't know like i'm being serious though like pain is a part of life and i'm not saying like go seek out pain but like when you look back i don't know you're 29 years old think about your i imagine some of your most memorable experiences the past nine years were included adversity of some kind and some of your best moments reflecting back is how you overcame that adversity and those become memorable stories they become things that we you know connect with but you have to go through the fire to be able to reflect back and think about how you got through the fire. Right.
So like, I'm not saying going out there and fuck yourself up and go put yourself in situations that will hurt you, but don't avoid living your life, you know, knowing that like, that might cause you some pain by putting yourself out there and being vulnerable because that is, that is life. Yeah.
That's something that my therapist and I are talking about right now is that like the famous quote of, would you rather love and lost or just like not kind of love at all. And I feel like I've always led towards that.
I'd rather just never known what it was. So then I'm not missing it after it's like been lost, you know? Yeah.
That's wrong answer. Well, it's a protective factor.
No, I get it. But you know how to take risks.
You travel, like you worked to travel, you know, you know, and you tell me, did you not face any adversity over the past nine years? Oh, I have. Yeah.
Do you regret everything you got to do? No. Would you change anything? No, no.
I mean, yeah, I'm sure you made some, you know, but overall, would you, you know, so then your contract. It's always made me wiser.
I feel like I'm wiser. There you go.
You're contradicting yourself by saying that you would rather not know. I know.
You know? I know. And that's fine.
Listen, you're only 29, but like some of that is perspective and maturity. and hopefully, I don't know, I hope most 29-year-olds think they have more maturing.
I hope I have more maturing to do. And part of becoming more mature is not having that too afraid to live your life mentality.
So, all right? Okay. Go live your life.
Go make some bad decisions. Have some fun.
You know, you'll be okay. Okay.
All right. Take care.
Thanks so much. All right.
Bye-bye. Take care.
Bye. Learn naturally.
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How's it going? It's going good, Nick. Thank you.
My name's Macy. I'm 25 and I am struggling setting boundaries with my mom.
Say more. So as far as I know, no one's ever set boundaries with her before.
And over the past year, she has been inserting her opinion in my life and a lot of places where I feel like it is harming me. And when I've tried to say to her, Hey, respectfully, like this is not behavior I want in my life.
This is not good for me. Can you please not talk about this situation? She completely disregards what I'm saying, or at least it comes off that way.
And I've recognized a pattern of her defending her actions and not taking accountability when she hurts me or oversteps. And so I'm not sure how to have that conversation and say, mom, I am setting boundaries with you without her going to that defense and actually listening to what I need from her.
Well, I don't know if the second part is possible, but what are some of the boundaries you're trying to set with her? Okay. So to give a little bit of background, I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and this is the first healthy relationship I've ever been in.
He is so sweet, so amazing, so loving. He has his downfalls like all of us do.
And she's only met him twice and immediate, well he he is anxiety. I have anxiety.
And so he's not always his best self around people when he's nervous. Hence my parents, the two times he met them.
So he doesn't make a great first impression. Sounds like maybe.
Yeah. Yeah.
If you're not super open to a lot of things, which I don't feel like my mom intends to be, but she likes to act like she's really big on mental health. But when I say, oh, I have anxiety, it's why I don't understand you have a great life.
So she doesn't tend to get mental health doesn't have a why and I'm a therapist. So that's very frustrating.
But so basically, she judges my boyfriend a lot and then talks really negatively about him to me. And when I tried to explain like, hey, this is why this happens, she just creates another reason, doesn't listen and then continues to dislike him and hasn't really given him a chance to prove himself to her and he's done for.
So setting that's hard. And then anytime I just explain how I feel about situations, she says, you're young, I have more life experience than you and just disregards the next thing that comes out of my mouth.
So what's your goal with your mom? My goal is to get her to be more open-minded to things that she thinks she understands, but doesn't, and just not be so judgmental of my decisions in my life, my choices, and not inserting her opinion every time she feels the need to, and trust my judgment, really. Okay.
I think that's your problem. What I mean by that is, bear with me here, but you called in and your headline was, I need help setting boundaries with my mom.
Then you told a little bit of your story, a little background, your boyfriend. Then I asked, what is your goal with your mom? and your goal was, I basically want...
Yeah. Um, but you know, listen, like that's a, that's a very different goal than just simply setting a boundary with your mom.
And that's why I think you're having such a hard time setting a boundary with your mom, because that's not really your goal. You said you're a therapist, you went to school for therapy.
You're yeah. Right.
So you know that, right? You don't need me telling that, but obviously you're emotionally connected to the situation. And so you're having a harder time to see it clearly, but it's just much hard, you know, like, I'm not saying it's impossible, but that's why you're struggling because you're saying it is like, oh, I just want my mom to respect my boundaries.
And what you're really saying is I want my mom to kind of like evolve and grow and, and maybe recognize that, you know, maybe she's older and has more lived experience than me, but I need her to recognize that maybe I know a little bit too. And I've gone to school and I studied mental health and maybe she's not always right.
And I would like her to recognize that. And I would like her to give my boyfriend more of a benefit of the doubt.
And I'd like, you know, you know what I'm saying? That's what I'm really hearing from you. Yeah, and that's very true.

I have said those exact words.

I need her to change

in order for this relationship to get fixed.

Because we used to be very, very close.

Like I told her more than

most people probably think I should.

And then I think that's where the disconnect is,

is now I'm completely pulling back

because I just don't feel like she supports me.

And so I guess maybe how can I get her to not always defend her actions, but take accountability

when I say I'm hurt?

I don't know if you can get her to do that.

You know, that might be her journey, so to speak.

I think you need to be okay with not getting what you want from your mom for a period of

time and being okay with that and allowing your mom to change on her own if she is willing, right? And I think that's the disconnect that you're having that I think a lot of people have in the kind of the parent-child relationship. You're 25 years old.
You've been an adult for seven years. So seven out of your 25 years, you've been an adult.
And of those 18 of those years, your mom was in charge of you. She was your parent.
She was your legal guardian. She was legally allowed to tell you what to do.
You had to obey her. And now you're an adult.
You're your own woman. You're making life for yourself.
It's very challenging for parents to just change on a dime and understand the shift in that dynamic. And I'm also guessing that of those seven years of your adult life, the first couple of them were very much similar to the relationship you had when you weren't an adult with your mom.
And she was the person you went to and told all these things, and she was kind of your best friend. And you kind of had the best of both worlds for a period of time, maybe like when you're 18 and 19 and 20 and you're like, I'm an

adult now and now I get to talk. Now me and my mom get to be friends and that's fun.
But then

you met a guy and you fell in love and there was a little bit of conflict there. I don't know,

maybe part of the way your mom feels and acts towards him is also just a response to her losing

a little bit of her daughter and that independence that you so much want from your mom.

I'm not... mom feels and acts towards him is also just a response to her losing a little bit of her daughter, you know, and that independence that you so much want from your mom, not only

independence, but respect.

You want your mom to see you as the woman you've decided to become and you want her

to recognize and acknowledge the work you've put into the person that you are today.

And you're not getting that from your mom right now.

And I think part of what you need to do is just kind of be okay with the fact that life's changing and you and your mom are going through this kind of shift in your relationship and you're not going to be able to kind of tell her what to do or force her to change in any short period of time. And you might just have to let things play out.
If you truly feel like you've met the right person, at least right now, it's a relatively new relationship, but you feel really good about it. You feel good about who you are dating.
You feel good about your decisions. If you are right, your mom will come around.
But right now, the relationship is so new and so early, and maybe he's a little introverted and a little neurotic and a little anxious so that when he's around large groups of people or new people, he doesn't give off the best first impression. I've been that guy before.
I've been your boyfriend. I have not given the best first impression to people's parents that I've dated.
And I've always thought to myself, trust me, I'm a great guy. I'm respectful.
I'm 10 times better than any guy. I wasn't right or wrong.
I wasn't perfect. But I always cared about being a stand-up guy.
But I haven't always given off that impression at times, fair or not. What I'm saying is, if you're right, you don't need your mom's approval.
You don't need her permission. She'll come around.
She will eventually get to know your boyfriend if he lasts, if this relationship lasts. She will get more opportunities to see how he makes you feel and how happy you are.
She'll get to see. She'll come around.
Until then, you just have to be okay with not getting mom's approval. And I think that's what you're struggling with the most is that you're used to having this relationship with your mom and her being your best friend and really being connected with your mom.
And your mom probably, let me know if I'm wrong, was a driving force and you getting the validation that you wanted and to kind of checking with yourself to make sure that you're making the right decisions. And she was a good barometer for those choices.
Now you feel more independent and capable of making those choices on your own. You'd still like to get mom's approval because it's always nice to have mom's approval, but mom's a little resistant to get that approval because you don't really need her approval anymore.
And she's trying to fight for her supper when it comes to this relationship. Yeah, that resonates a lot.
Absolutely. I guess how, because every time I say to myself, I'm going to have this conversation, whatever it looks like, whether it's mom, this is what I need from you.
This is what I'm not going to hear about anymore. Like the amount of times I've said to her, I need you to be open-minded to giving him a second chance.
I need you to not be so hypercritical of every move he makes. I need you to have a clean slate.
She just shuts down and doesn't do it. So how do I say those things to her without, I guess I have so much anxiety about doing it because I'm so sick of being shut down.
And I want to like reiterate, this is the last time I'm having this conversation with you like either you hear me or you don't and i want us to get back on track but also i've done everything i can why are heels so dug in with this guy like what what does she have to give another chance for did he like do something or is it just like she was just rubbed the wrong way she so basically what it was was i don't really know what wrong the first time other than, so I know I listen to your podcast all the time, especially the Aspenic, like anxiety. You've experienced it.
I have it when I'm anxious. Like my boyfriend, we don't eat.
Like there's no appetite. My family's a big drinking family.
So we were all drinking. He was anxious.
He didn't eat. He got a little too drunk.
I don't think that's that big of a deal. We've all been there before, including my parents.

Everybody was drunk.

So I don't know why that was such a big deal.

Did he do anything when he was drunk or he was just clearly drunk?

And your parents felt like it was a little disrespectful and rude for him to get drunk around him.

He threw up in the toilet.

That was the catalyst.

Oh, well, I mean, I'm a puker when it comes to drinking.

Not a crime.

So he can't hold his liquor. I didn't think so either.

He didn't mouth off or say anything rude.

You know?

No.

No.

And then she doesn't like that he cusses a lot, but I cuss a lot.

She doesn't like that he smokes weed.

I also use weed.

Like, it's not that big of a deal.

Yeah.

So, listen.

Yeah.

And my parents are big drinkers. Anyways.
Listen, I think it think it just comes down to again i think you're being a little stubborn here in the sense that like why are you why do you think you need to repeat yourself with your mom and and have and try to have that conversation for one more time like why why even have the conversation because she's been my friend for so long. I feel like I've lost that person and I want that back, but I also know I can't sacrifice myself and I can't have that relationship with her if I can't talk about the person that I love and that I'm with without getting criticism back.
Okay. Well, listen, you're going to, that's kind of my point is just like, I think you need to accept that right now you're not going to get everything you want in this moment because I don't, I don't, I don't know.
I'm not aware. And I don't think I'm in a position to help you say the magic thing.
You're obviously smart enough. She's your mom.
She's your best friend. You know her as well as anyone.
And you don't know what to say to her. And I guess I don't know if there's anything to say.
She has decided for whatever reason, and I'm guessing the reason is just like she's also going through this transitional period with you. She's not seeing it clearly.
That's the thing. Right now, you would be better off focusing on empathizing with your mom's point of view.
Just so not to agree with mom,

but to understand your mom's point of view just so not to agree with mom but to understand your mom and i might only say that because then you can either do one of two things you can you can give in to your mom which i don't think you should do or you can just accept that like mom's isn't mom mom can't see it right now she doesn't want to lose her baby so to speak and you're 25. And right now she feels like she's not worried about your biological clock because you're only seven years removed from being adult.
And right now she just like decided that you have to date the perfect person. And she, honestly, that person probably doesn't even exist right now.
And your boyfriend has done enough to things that just like rubbed her the wrong way. And she's just taking it out on him because at the end of the day, she wants her best friend back.
But like, that's not right or healthy. You know that, but like convincing, you know, explaining that to your mom, I just think is a winless battle.
I think you have to show your mom that you're happy, that you're confident in your decision. In the meantime, you don't need me to say this to you, but you set boundaries for yourself and you enforce them with other people.
And as I've always said, anytime that you have to enforce a boundary with someone else, they will always be annoyed because a boundary is limiting access that someone used to have to you, or they at least assume they would always have it. That's exactly what your mom is having a hard time doing.
She assumes that she could kind of tell you what to do, offer you advice that you would definitely take, you know, be the primary decision maker in your life. Again, seven years ago, she didn't even get to ask.
She could just tell you what to do and you would have to listen to a certain point, right? And it's just drastically changed and you are fighting for your independence. It happens to be with your mom.
It's a pretty normal rite of passage, I think, in a parent-child relationship, especially a relationship that was so close and so connected. It's hard to see the forest through the trees so much.
So I just think you might be better off taking a beat yourself and not trying to like, you're just going to have to accept yourself that maybe right now you're in your mom's relationship is in a bit of a transitional period. And as a result of this transitional period, it's not going to feel like it used to.
I am confident it will again someday, but that's just going to get your mom's going to have to slowly come around and accept the new reality of that relationship. And what you have going for you is that she is your mom and she loves you unconditionally.
And the downside of that is that when people know they they're not going to lose someone, it gives them permission to fight even harder and to be that much more stubborn because they're not actually afraid of losing you. So that's what makes it more irritating because there's that much more defiant.
But eventually, when your mom really knows that you are your own person and that a relationship with you means having to respect your choices and bite her tongue because if not, you will enforce a boundary.

And that boundary is going to be less of you and less a relationship with you and less quality time or access to your boyfriend because you feel, you know, and you could say, mom, listen, like, you're entitled to your opinion, but I'm safe and I'm happy.

And unless you don't think I'm capable of knowing that, it's none of your business how much he swears or smokes weed.

And he doesn't quite honestly need you to approve of him because I approve of him.

And he treats me better than anyone I've ever had before. And I'm not asking for your approval.
And part of the reason your mom keeps demanding that you take her approval is because you are still kind of asking for it and you're still seeking it. And the moment you stop seeking your mom's approval is probably the moment she'll stop trying to give it.
It does a lot of sense. And I guess kind of in a way that does make me feel better because I do want her approval, but yeah, I do know I don't need it.
And I don't really need anyone's because I know I'm making the right choices in my life. Is there anything I can say? Because multiple family members do this part.
A lot of family members think that their opinion can be given anywhere. And then now that's fact and you better act on that or I'm going to give you a shit for it.
Give me an example. What do you mean by that? Same situation or similar situation.
My brother told me that he didn't like certain things I was doing as in, I don't know why they're hypercritical of words, but using specific words, like I called my dog stupid or something and he didn't like it.

I don't know.

But so he'll give his opinion, like you need to not use this word or you need to not say

this to mom or do this.

And if I say, okay, I heard you, but then I don't listen to him.

It's, oh, so you don't care what I have to say.

And you're going down a bad path.

And they just think their opinion needs to be my truth.

I think you just need to stop caring. I wish it was that easy.
I mean, it is. It is.
I mean, I give, I know it's easier said than done. And listen, I just have a personality that I've just, I've always been very confident in my choices.
You know, I've made bad choices. I've made wrong choices.
I've had to learn from some of my choices, but in i've always felt confident about my choices you know i've had to have the again the humility to learn sometimes but yeah you you there's there's something in you right that's for whatever reason needs the approval from not only mom but other family members and i've you know i've always I've always been someone who's just like, you know, I, I love validation and I've, I found different ways to get it. Right.
But I've always been pretty confident in my choices. I think them through.
I'm, I've never been, um, that impulsive and I'm good at learning from my mistakes. So like, you know, I've always just been confident in my choices.
So at times when I've done things that other people wouldn't have given me that advice, I still owned my choices. I mean, I told this story recently, but one of the few of my friends whose opinions I care about, who knew me and Natalie, and they ended up marrying us, by the way, when I was like on the fence about like dating someone a lot younger than me.
And I was just like, I, you know, and Natalie was like really kind of done with the bullshit and us like just not being a boyfriend and girlfriend. I called them up and I was like, really thinking about doing this.
And they were like, we love her. We think she's great, but we don't think you should.
And I took their advice. I listened to their advice.
I was disappointed in their advice because their advice mattered to me. You know, it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.
I thought about it and I, and then ultimately I didn't take their advice, And in that moment, I didn't take their advice because their advice mattered to me. It wasn't the answer I wanted to hear.
I thought about it. And then ultimately, I didn't take their advice.
And in that moment, I didn't take their advice. I just had to be confident in my choice.
I didn't know if I was going to be right or wrong. I made a decision based on the fact that, listen, if it doesn't work out, it won't work out.
But I'm going to try this thing. And I didn't call up my friends.
And that's the difference between you and I right now. I didn't call up my friends and say, hey, listen, I disagree with you.
And here's why I'm going to make this choice. And do you agree with me now? I didn't need their approval.
You know what I'm saying? I got their opinion. I asked for it.
They gave me an honest answer. It's not what I wanted.
And I went a different way. And I was comfortable with that choice.
you you want to go back to that person and say and then convince them to agree with you so that you can feel better about that decision you're making you get what I'm saying yeah does that sound accurate yeah it's it's it's very accurate you're you're hitting it all like you normally do with everybody so and that's a you problem that's that's a you problem right that's something you need to work on and that's something you can work on and that's something you can control because you can't control mom and and mom's got to work on herself and the moment you fix in the moment you fix that and then and that's when you'll you'll get your your mom will come back she will But your brother and your family member, and especially your mom, know that you really need their approval. And that's why they're so willing to give it.
And that's why it sometimes feels a little manipulative on their part. And honestly, it probably is.
But when we know that we can influence someone, we usually try. Yeah.
That makes a lot of sense. Cause I don't seek that much approval from my dad and I get more approval from him probably because of that.
There you go. Yeah.
Well, that makes sense. So yeah.
I guess it's not even, you got to own your choices, setting boundaries. Yeah.
It's just not caring as much and being confident in that. I know I'm doing what works for me.
Yeah. Do you feel good about the man you're dating? I feel incredibly good about him.
Great. Why do you need anyone else's approval? I don't.
You're right. I don't.
It's, I've, it's been hammered in me that I do my whole life and I'm realizing I don't. Yeah.
And when your brother or anyone else says this thing that, you know, just be like, listen, you take care of you. I'll take care of me.
I love you. Listen, I respect your opinion.
But respecting your opinion doesn't mean I'm always going to take your advice. You know, my friends also didn't get mad at me.
And then, you know, like people have to understand is when you ask, like people should be flattered when anyone comes to them and says, hey, can I ask your opinion? Because honestly, I'm not interested in most people's opinions because I think most people are stupid. But just because I ask your opinion doesn't mean I'm going to take your advice.
It just means I respect you enough to ask, but also like there's that's what I need to say. Maybe, but it still comes down to you owning your choices and not needing their approval.
And whatever you say, I promise you will have less of an impact than your actions. Because right now you saying it will still try to sound like you're convincing them to trust your opinions and trust your decisions for yourself.
Again, that's the thing. The more confident you are in your choices, the less less people will bother you i have always demonstrated a confidence level that you know my parents always been like well you know listen you're you know my parents have always thought of me as someone who like generally makes sound decisions they never really tried to change my mind because they're like yeah he seems confident he knows what he's doing and you're not making any you're not making crazy decisions right you know it's not like you brought home this problematic man who's just like full of red flags.
They're like nitpicking because they can, you know? Exactly. And you get rattled every time they pick and you being rattled is their green light to keep going.
So I guess my last question is I told my mom that I wanted her to come visit in the next week or two to have the conversation we need to have, which I thought was going to be the setting boundaries. But now I realize I just need to not seek their approval and not care and let her come around.
So what do I do about that? Well, if you still want to be your mom, just be like, hey, mom, you're welcome to come. When you're here, just know that you're at my place and you don't have to approve of him and you don't have to even like it.
You have to be respectful because you're in my house. I like that.
I like that. But maybe also don't even say anything.
Maybe let your mom come, see how she acts. If your mom acts up in a way that you find to be disrespectful to either either you or your boyfriend, I wouldn't like create a scene while he's there.
Cause that just makes everyone uncomfortable. Uh, but after she leaves, you can say, Hey, I really did not appreciate blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm not going to invite you back anymore until I feel more respected. And what you can say to your mom, if you have to say anything at all,

and here's the big difference,

because right now you're like,

mom, I want to talk to you

about how I want you to be around me

so I can be,

it's just like, mom,

you're negotiating with her.

Don't do that.

You're like, mom,

this is where you set the boundary.

You don't get to treat me that way.

I'm an adult person.

I'm happy with my choices.

I don't need you to be happy with my choices. I do miss our relationship and I miss my friend, but things have changed.
You know, I'm an adult and I no longer need your permission or approval to make decisions for myself. I'm okay with that.
And I still want to be able to ask your advice, mom, because I do respect you. And more than anyone, you're the person's advice I care about the most, but I don't always have to take your advice.
And when I don't take your advice, you need to be okay with that because I know I am and I'm just not going to hear it. And if you keep acting this way around me and my boyfriend, the only thing that's going to happen is we're going to lose our relationship and we're going to be less close.
And that's up to you, mom, because I hate that we've gotten this far, but the choice is yours. And that's you setting that boundary and communicating exactly what will happen if your mom doesn't respect that boundary and then you simply need to follow through.
But there's a big difference between that and then pleading with her and saying, please do this, or I need you to come around and please like him and please be nice to my boyfriend. You don't need your mom to do any of those things.
Yep. You're right.
Those were the words that I needed to figure out in here because that's what I need to do. And once I say it, I have to enforce it.
Okay. Well, thank you.
I really appreciate it. Was it helpful? It was,

it was very helpful. All right.
Well, good luck. Yeah.
It's your, the best, the best news. I think the big takeaway is this, is that the thing that needs to change for you to get what you want is the things that you actually can control.
And that, and that comes from inside of you. Yeah.
And the other stuff will all fall in line once you're able to work on that, needing certain people in your life's approval. Just walk through your choices.
Why am I making this decision? If I consider the pros and the cons, yeah, I could be wrong. But if I'm wrong, will I still feel good about why I made this decision? Yes, great.
Then I don't need anyone else's approval. And you need to be good at asking people's opinions without having to take their opinion.
Yep. I absolutely need to do that.

And maybe that's what I'll focus on when I restart my own therapy. There you go.
All right. Well,

good luck. Take care.
Keep us posted how things go with mom. We'd love an update regardless of

how things progress. Thank you.
I really appreciate it. All right.
Take care. Thank you.
Thank you

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