E1007 Ask Nick - He Cheated at the Wedding

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How's it going?

All right, good morning.

Hi, Nick.

Um, my name is Anna.

I'm 38,

and I have a mental block about giving my husband blowjobs.

Okay, what do I do?

Well, you know, um,

we'll see where this

I don't know.

I mean, you know, I um,

it's not really my place to

say what you should or shouldn't do.

Put it this way: do you want to give him blowjobs?

Listen, I want him to enjoy himself, of course.

And we, like, I'll give a little background.

We've been married a long time.

Um, we have, I think both of us would say, a pretty great sex life.

Okay.

But, and maybe it's just that guys like to get the occasional blowjob, right?

I think it's safe to say that both men and women enjoy some oral sex, um, receiving oral sex from time to time.

Um, Not everyone, but, you know,

it seems like it's a very popular thing in the sack, so to speak.

Sure.

Sure, sure.

For all genders.

So I think, well, let's just acknowledge that.

Well, and I'll say, like, within the realm of like, we're having sex, we're being intimate, no problem.

All for it.

Like,

if it's...

If it's part of the whole grand scheme of we're having sex foreplay, whatever that may be, then I'm great.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, You're telling me that when you and your husband are fooling around

and being intimate, you don't mind giving him some heads.

Right.

So, what exactly is the problem then?

I, it's like I have a hang-up.

If the idea is, I'm approaching him, and this is meant to be, this is just about you in this moment.

I'm not looking for anything for myself.

Um,

I'm just looking to get you off, and that's it.

And that's

an idea that you like want to do or he you think he wants because i'll be honest i don't know how many men out there are just like having their wives or girlfriends or partners like just in the middle of a football game going down on them while they kick back relax and and and right

okay i don't know i don't i think i don't know if you're the only one who's like maybe not down for just having a dick in your mouth uh without like receiving some enjoyment on your end too.

Yeah, that's.

Is he trying to convince you otherwise?

No, convince me, no.

Just say,

hey, this is something I'd like.

This is something I would like you to do for me.

And it's not something that's coming up a lot.

Like on a birthday.

Or just like on a Tuesday.

Just a random Tuesday.

And not even that.

often even.

And I'd say it's happened a handful of times in our 16-year marriage.

And a little background to that, too, is that i've only had one sexual partner it's him and so our sex life from the beginning to now has grown a ton obviously because i came into this sort of like

a novice and figuring it out and figuring out what both of us like and so so yeah like where our sex life is now is the best it's ever been i'd say that's great And do you feel confident that he feels the same way?

I do.

Yeah.

He doesn't bullshit.

He will tell me how he feels.

So I've reacted as like, I don't know.

That just feels, I was like, I think I have a hangup about it being one-sided.

I don't know.

Is it like the principle of it?

Well, first of all, listen, for married couples in general, I think it's great that married couples, especially if they've been together for a long time, like

are open-minded to making each other happy, you know, role-playing, you know, just like.

suggesting things they like and having their partner open to doing it, you know, in general.

I'm having a bit of fun at your husband's expense.

But like, if this is just like, hey, this is kind of a fun fantasy, it would be kind of cool if you did this, yada, yada, yada.

Then, yeah, I don't think it's that big of a deal that he's asking for this.

But I think it needs to be, I think the clear thing is you need to feel comfortable that it's more that rather than like, why doesn't my wife just give me blowjobs whenever I want, right?

Like, as long as it's definitely the.

Okay.

It's not like you're afraid of giving blowjobs or it's like an ick for you in general.

Right.

Again, in bed, you're totally down to like,

you know.

For sure.

For sure.

Yeah.

It's already part of our is it like the principle of it for you or something?

I don't like what what's the i think it like it feels more like i'm just like

i don't know that feels weird i don't want to i don't know how to approach that maybe and it's kind of like well why yeah i guess it's two parts part of it is that i just feel kind of weird like all right and maybe it's a little

he doesn't want to do anything for like, when does he want this to take place?

When does he want this to take?

Do you guys have a business?

I mean, we also, we have kids.

And so, like, we both have careers.

Like, we're super busy.

There's not a lot of time.

And so it would be, it probably not even happened that often.

But I think knowing that it could happen would be, you know, he'd be like, all right, great.

That was great.

Do you think he would do that?

What are your fan, like, what are your requests?

What are your fantasies?

What are and so?

I think anything that I would ask him, he he would do.

And he has, he has done that for me, right?

It has been just about me.

It's just, I have like a hand.

Couldn't you give yourself a bit of like a warm-up round?

Right.

Maybe that's part of it.

And I, as this has come up, probably over the last, I mean, maybe even five years of me knowing it's something he would like me to do, me being kind of like, I don't know about that, but trying to be like, well, it's my husband and I love him.

And obviously, if he's telling me that's what he wants me to do, then okay.

I mean, listen, I don't, I don't know the mind of a woman, so to speak.

Listen, like anything else that I essentially talk about on the show, it's really just about your mindset and your perspective, right?

Like, again, we're talking about sexual intimacy.

So, you know, just disclaimer, want to make sure this is in your comfort level, something that you want to do.

Understanding that, like, you might not be excited about the blowjob aspect of

this.

But what you want is to reciprocate your husband's willingness to make it all about him when he's willing to make it all about you at times and just like mix it up, you know, sexually.

And yeah, there is a time and a place for a couple to like, you know, be intimate and in bed.

And then, yeah, I think there's a level of spontaneity and a level of almost like sexualization of each other.

Like it's like, you know, I think for married couples, like.

Sometimes things become ordinary, mundane, routine.

It's like you're scheduling sex, you know, because you got kids and it's just like, you know, you're trying to figure out, let's just get it, you know, do it during the day because by nine, I'm just going to be tired.

If it's a mental block for you, you know, you, how do you get over the mental block, right?

And so like, it's not, I don't want to give my husband the blowjob.

It's more about, I want to,

what, like, for example, what turns him on about that?

I would ask him that.

Like, you guys should talk about that.

What about that turns you on?

And maybe he's just like, I don't know, it kind of feels a little, I don't know, slutty.

Without sounding crude, maybe, maybe it like it in the nicest possible way objectifies you in a way that's like a safe space between you.

I don't know what he, why he's into it, but maybe you communicate that.

And maybe in a mindset, you can play that role of, so it's not just about you, right?

Like, yeah, he might.

be getting the head and you might be giving it and like maybe in this moment it's not about like necessarily you getting off but how do you guys role play

this scenario that makes it feel i don't know like a little bit of connecting you know?

So like,

even if you're not,

even if this moment's not all about you, how do you guys still connect, right?

And ask them about, like, what, what about that turns you on?

You can get excited about how you're making your husband feel.

And that could be your focus rather than being like, uh,

like,

yeah.

And again, like, I don't know, maybe even for men, like, you know, I, I think for, for women, you know, what it's the saying, you know, women like kind of, you need to warm up the oven, so to speak, where men can go from zero to to 100.

But I think as men get older and have kids and whatever, and life, you know, is full of responsibility, even men are just like, they don't go from like being tired and having a long day to like having an instant erection.

You know, they're not 21 anymore.

If your husband were to make it all about you in a moment, he might want to, how does he mentally go there?

He might need to mentally stimulate himself or physically stimulate himself to like amp him up.

Right.

So like maybe you do some version of that.

And then you can go ahead and if it's all if it's all about him, maybe you you start by yourself and you finish by yourself.

I don't know.

Like I don't think you can go back and well, I'm gonna go to

something like that.

That's a helpful perspective, I think.

Yeah, thinking of it, like trying to get out of the headspace of like, okay, let me do this.

Yeah, because then it just feels like a literal job.

You're just like he gets home.

He's like, all right, I guess, so I get on my knees or like,

right and you went from like washing some dishes to

you know exactly there's so much i think for women at least i think this is accurate for most women it's you get in your head and you need to feel like in your head space that you're like i'm in this moment right now and so yeah just jumping right into that without a lot of like oh this is about me too and we're like having a moment which not to say like we could obviously make out and stuff and then it could proceed to that um

but i've kind of thought i think i the more i just like

try

i think it'll i'll get out of my head more and it's come up before too about when i don't initiate as much he like just initiates sex in general he's like it makes i want to feel like you're physically attracted to me and i'm like i am you know so um these kind of things i think too make it feel like oh you want me because he he definitely makes me feel that way so yeah and i think every couple wants that a little bit i think because i do like as we get older and especially with kids i think we always want the other person to make the first move and and turn us on right and so yeah you guys just have to communicate how you guys can do that from time to time to each other and if if this is there's a moment where like all right i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna fulfill a fantasy or desire of my husband's like yeah it doesn't mean that you you can't go into a mindset where you're turned on.

It doesn't have to be like

literally smacked at him in the middle of an afternoon, squeezing it in between, you know, taking out, you know, the garbage and,

you know, going to the grocery store or whatever.

I don't know.

It can feel for him very spontaneous and one-sided or, you know, if that's what he's into in that moment.

But for you, it can be something that you're mentally warming up to.

Yep, I think so.

And I don't think I should expect for myself to, it sounds like after talking to you too and like getting another perspective, that I should just be like spontaneously being like, oh, I really want to do this as a mom and,

you know, everyday life.

Yeah, no.

I mean, if it was like, yeah, reverse the role, you know, if it was like, hey, you wanted that

and you, and you didn't have to worry about him.

Yeah, he may need to like mentally warm up, you know, or physically warm up.

Like he also might want to, you also might want him to take a shower so he doesn't stink.

I don't know.

Like it doesn't have to be so literally spontaneous.

It just has to feel spontaneous.

Yeah.

You know, for the other person.

Yeah.

Ask each other what, what, what about that turns you on?

You know, like create a safe space for like, you know, I'm, and make him seem interested, interested in like that it might turn you on to find out what turns him on.

Not like, oh,

you know, like you do it not in a place of judgment or like, are you a freak?

Why do you like that?

You know, not that.

Right.

And so if you show an interest in what turns your partner on, that can also also turn them on for you being interested and kind of excited to hear about what they're into.

You know, imagine like if your husband showed a curiosity and what turned you on and he asked, and he was like, Oh, that's hot, that would make you feel good.

So, do that.

Yeah, just kind of mentally go there.

Like, I don't know, maybe he wants you to play a certain role when you're doing this.

Maybe it's an opportunity to like be, you know, just a little, little, play a little pretend.

Yeah, yeah.

And when you're so many years in, of course yeah we we don't want to become roommates and so that's put on a wig or something i don't know like play

right i don't know if he's in something like that

yeah and i think we both like are giving so much of ourselves to you know family jobs all the things all the time and so you want to feel taken care of in a way and so i think that's partially why i'm asking is like okay if this is something he wants and i obviously want to take care of him and i want to him to feel like i'm into him all those things like in a marriage that you want to keep alive.

So

yeah, that's kind of why I'm here asking.

Yeah.

Like, is this something?

How can I, how can I do this for him?

I mean, do you feel like you're

on the right path?

I think so.

Yeah.

I think this has helped.

One, it's helped to just have another perspective.

And two, yeah, just to hear that I shouldn't expect myself to spontaneously be like, it's go-to.

I've turned into another person.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

And that I can completely remove all of the like to-do list in my brain that I'm constantly running through.

I think the big takeaway is even though he is like, hey, in this moment, I want it to be all about me.

You should still be able to enjoy this experience.

So you have to figure out how you can mentally or physically enjoy this experience.

He doesn't have to necessarily be

part of that entire process.

From his perspective, it can feel like all about him, but you can still.

enjoy the experience.

And I think that's the big takeaway.

So true.

Where you felt like, well, like, it's not about me.

So I don't get to enjoy this.

Well, that's no fun.

Right.

And then that's not sustainable, like reverse roles.

Like, just because you want a moment that's all about you, it's not like you want him to hate it.

Right.

You want him to enjoy making it all about you.

So how does he get to enjoy that?

Right.

Like, he, you know,

yeah.

I think, and I tend to overcomplicate it and over anything.

I tend to overthink anything.

And so it's not that complicated.

Yeah.

And it's just can be part of our sex life.

And it's not, it doesn't have to be one-sided, like you're saying.

Well, hopefully this was helpful.

Yeah.

It was helpful.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't know what great answers Nick will have, but I don't either.

Talking it, talking it through.

I felt like this was maybe a different question too, from a long time married person.

Yeah, no,

I imagine this will be hopefully helpful and insightful for people listening.

Hopefully.

Would love an update.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

All right.

Well, thanks for the call.

I appreciate it.

Yep.

Thank you so much.

You too.

Have a fun weekend.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Put it in practice.

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How's it going?

Uh, going Good.

My name's Sarah.

I'm 27.

And

my question is, what do I do about a friend that acted unfaithful at our wedding?

Your wedding.

My wedding.

Okay.

Who's the friend?

They came to your wedding and hooked up with someone else at your wedding, but this friend is in a relationship, I'm guessing, some version of that?

Yeah, essentially.

Okay, so.

Basically, how this happened is one of our friends is engaged.

His fiancé was invited to the wedding, but she couldn't make it.

And then he met another one of my friends who like they never would have ever crossed paths before.

It's like a college friend versus high school friend on different sides.

And I had no idea this was happening at the wedding.

It's kind of a weird gray area.

So that's partially why I'm looking for advice.

I feel like if If it was more clear, then I definitely would say something.

But after we got back from the honeymoon, one of my girlfriends, the one that this happened with, reached out to me and was sending me some voice memos because she just wanted to let me know in case I wanted to do something with this information.

And essentially, they had been kind of flirting on the dance for he was kind of going up to her, spinning her around, putting his arm around her waist, you know, flirting.

I didn't notice.

I was like having the time of my life.

I'm going to be there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't care what anybody.

So how did you, how did you hear about this so she reached out to me after we got back from like all of our vacations because she wanted to let me know she doesn't even know him so okay i i want to make sure i'm following along so the friend your friend who was unfaithful is this is this girl you're referring to um no sorry my husband's friend is the one that was unfaithful okay so your husband friend so guy was unfaithful all right so yeah you have another friend and she found out that your husband's friend, a guy, we'll call him Jimmy.

Jimmy came up with a game.

Okay, Jimmy.

Jimmy came up to Mary.

We'll call her Mary.

Okay.

And he was being flirtatious and fun and putting his hands on her hip.

And she just thought, hey, I met a cool guy at a wedding and she was having a good time.

Dust settles.

She finds out this motherfucker is engaged, but his fiancé couldn't also come to the wedding.

Right.

But there's more that happened than just flirting on the dance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Keep going.

Okay.

So then then she's telling me the story, and she basically says, Okay, the night's winding down.

He's like, You want to go get a drink?

They're out at the bar at the wedding.

And then he asks her, Well, what are you doing after?

And she says, Well, I'm staying at the hotel nearby, like basically the hotel most of our guests are staying at.

It's walking distance.

I have some extra drink tickets if you want to come back and get a drink.

And so he says, Yeah, sure.

And again, like, Mary thinks that he's single.

And we actually saw them walking back because like our suite was sort of like on the way and we were like hanging out with friends and i noticed like my intuition i noticed something a little bit weird but i kind of was like he's engaged whatever like he can handle himself um so she said when they left us and finished walking back to the hotel he grabbed her hand was holding her hand the entire way walking back um and then they were at the hotel getting drinks and this is sort of where it ended like he she saw a picture of a girl pop up on his phone, um, like as his screensaver.

And she was like, Do you have a girlfriend?

Like, are you in a relationship?

What's going on?

And he said, Yes, I'm in a relationship.

And she said, Well, I don't think she'd be happy you're here with me right now.

And he said, No, probably not.

And then she said, You need to leave.

And so she stopped it and basically kicked him out, but they didn't end up actually kissing or doing anything beyond holding hands and obviously acting inappropriate.

So that was where I wasn't sure what to do.

How good of a friend is this?

I'm just out of curiosity.

Not that that matters.

Oh, maybe.

I think it kind of matters.

Not that good of a friend.

Like not, we're not super close with him.

I've met his fiance,

but I mean, I don't have her phone number.

If you were in her shoes, what would you want?

I don't know.

I was trying to think about that.

It's hard to imagine because I don't think I would be in those shoes.

You know, I'm not saying you're,

but I know.

I wouldn't take anything for granted.

All I'm saying, you know?

I don't know.

I think it's hard.

Like when you're engaged, well, at least for me, it was like, we're so set, like, we're going to get married.

And I trust him so completely that it's, I think it would be.

I would be open to it if somebody had said it to me.

And I would be upset to hear it from somebody other than him.

But it would, I don't think that like, that's something we'd break up over.

Yeah, maybe not.

This on itself isn't necessarily a fireball offense.

You know,

people have gotten through far more devastating acts of betrayal.

And my only point to you is this like, and I'm not trying to spook you or anything.

I think for anyone out there in general, I think it's careless for.

I don't care who you are, how long you've been together, how long, you know, for someone to say that would never happen.

Yeah.

Most people who are unfaithful don't say, yeah, I cheat.

Yeah.

You know, they get caught up in a moment, a moment of weakness, maybe alcohol is involved.

Maybe, I don't know, who knows?

But like, it's important, I think, and this is just unsolicited advice to you.

It's not about not, you know, I think you have to choose to trust.

I think it's important that you and your husband have trust, but never take for granted just how fragile a healthy connection can be.

Right.

And language like that would never happen to us has a sense of like, as if like you guys are destined for, for, to never have that happen.

The reality is, is if like years could go by, and if you act like something could never happen, then you leave the door open for something to happen.

It's just, it's a mindset.

You know, again, because you just, you want to protect, you always want to make sure that you never take anything for granted in a relationship.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah.

You know, to no, and I agree.

And I think it's what's hard for me to imagine is, I mean, I know like things are going to happen in our lives, but it's hard for me to imagine that happening during the time period of being engaged because it's, at least, I don't know, it's just like, well, again, I can also just assure you,

I would say

most people who are cheated on don't say, I saw that coming.

Sometimes, sometimes they're like, you know what, I probably should have known.

Sometimes there's a million red flags.

Most of the time, it's, I can't believe, you know, it's, it's the disgust that it happened.

Anyway, yeah, that's true.

Back to your friend.

I get it.

Yeah.

And this is not to be like, oh, we should always worry that we're going to cheat on each other.

It's just never take it for granted.

Always be checking in with each other, not to spy on each other, but to stay connected, to not give a shit.

I think, especially women, you know, I think men and women are unfaithful for different reasons.

But sometimes I feel like from my women friends or you hearing about it, it's just like they feel like unseen, unheard, like they don't feel like that partner is paying attention to them enough and they they want some attention just never say never i you know always but i think it's diligent it's kind of good context for this call because i think like i am maybe looking at it from a little bit of a cocky perspective saying like you know i just can't imagine that happening to me and so no i think it's good to think of a way to be married yeah you definitely are

you're in your literal honeymoon phase of your your marriage and it's exciting and you shouldn't be like burdened with like having doubt with your partner but yeah like you're it's definitely like you're definitely like you remember being like 18 and 19 i made this comment about like the love island people you have this like we're more in love than you're in love you know this kind of like love competition amongst friends and when you're feeling really good about your connection there's a little bit of cockiness that you have when you hear about other people And it says like, well, that would never happen to me.

I don't know if this, you know, this relationship, this girl, you're not, that you're not even that close with, but this motherfucker was so cocky and so sloppy that he had no problem publicly flirting with someone with just hundreds of witnesses, 100 witnesses, 50 witnesses, whatever, you know, like

tons of people that know his fiancé.

That's crazy.

I mean, not her best friends, but like plenty of people in like our community.

And he had no problem doing it.

Yeah.

You know, just goes to show just how to do it.

I'm definitely feeling bad worse about it.

So there's a couple of things that, you know, it's funny at at our,

without to get into too many details, we heard rumors, Natalie and I, that something went down at our wedding with friends that we have that were dating.

And we didn't spend a ton of time finding out because they were just rumors.

And these friends ended up breaking up a couple months later anyway.

We didn't know.

And again, they were just like secondhand rumors.

So we didn't spend much because it was like, you know what?

I don't know like the details of their relationship and how they go about things.

Maybe they have an understanding.

Maybe they don't.

But like, since this is just like third-hand rumors, we're not going to go be nosy about something that honestly has nothing to do with us.

And we're going to focus on our wedding and like the great wedding and great experience that we had.

If I would have witnessed something or known firsthand for sure that something went down, just honestly

putting myself in your position, there's a little bit of conflict of, now, this, this was a good friend.

This is a good friend of mine.

This isn't a good friend of yours.

So I don't know.

But like tainting your wedding, like your wedding happened.

You had a great time.

That's not going to change something

for this particular friend.

It would have selfishly knowing that if I were to communicate what, like if I saw something happen and go down, that my wedding would forever be a point of pain for this person would have bothered me.

You know, if something really went down, I would have probably, I would have told him, but I've been like, oh, yeah, every time I bring up my, my wedding, he would be like, Worst day of my life.

Yeah.

See, and this is somebody I don't know if we're going to be friends with in like 10 years or not.

So I don't know if I care about that.

What's your husband's relationship with her?

Him?

Like

basically a high school friend who he's not super close with anymore, but has now known for a while.

We don't live in the same place.

I mean, probably not your problem.

You know, you definitely, I think you can definitely take the easy way out.

And whether you should or shouldn't tell them, it is the easy way out.

But like, that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision.

The fact that neither of you are that close with with these people, for all you know, maybe they have an understanding.

They probably don't.

Because you don't know this person that well, you would be making assumptions about their life and

getting involved.

So yeah, for you to tell this person, you'd be reaching out to someone like that would probably be surprised that they get a call from you.

They'd be surprised.

Yeah.

That I had their number.

And then it's like, yeah, I saw them flirting and blah, blah, blah.

You know, I don't know.

I I think it's hard because it's like, I feel like it'd be more clear cut for me if they had like kissed or something.

It's hard because it's like basically calling somebody and saying, your fiancé did so many things to make it look like he was about to cheat.

And I mean, there are things that they are.

Yeah, he definitely emotionally.

I mean, assuming they have a relationship like most of us, a traditional monogamous relationship.

He definitely emotionally cheated, I think by anyone's standards.

This is a tough one because it's a gray area.

I don't think there's a clear right or wrong.

And I think people listening might guarantee you if there's a person out there who found out eventually that this happened to them, some version, everyone says, I would have wanted to know.

But the reality is, is you don't know her that well at all or their dynamic.

Neither of you are that close with them.

If you were to say, well, this is one of my husband's very close friends, then I would have been like, he needs to talk to his buddy and been like, hold him accountable and say, hey, that wasn't cool, man.

I don't want to get involved, but like, I know this happened and like, you need to tell her.

Or like, I honestly like, don't bring her around us because we don't want to like feel like we're hiding something.

It's not our problem.

It's not our business.

We don't want to get involved, but you need to deal with your shit.

And until you do, I need, you know, like, I don't think we could be that close of friends.

But like.

He's not that close of friends with this guy.

So there's nothing really necessarily to say.

And if you have to like get this girl's number to like give her a surprise call and then have like, well, you know, it's, it's, I think it's, there's too much you don't know or too, it's too vague of a to, and then it becomes, then you're, you know, then your wedding is a potential, like it's a part of drama rather than,

although I do think every great wedding has a little bit of drama.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, we didn't have any drama at the wedding, but I guess we have drama after.

Not that I want this on anyone, but no, him and I were talking about that and basically saying, like, I was like, maybe you should reach out to him because I don't think she's going to want to hear it from me.

But

he just was, I mean, if I told him you said it, maybe he would do it, but it's not his close enough friend, I think.

Yeah.

But what if we get invited to their wedding now?

Which we might.

Don't go.

I don't know.

Yeah, maybe we just won't go.

No, I felt like even even a little bit guilty.

Like it is one that I wanted to call in about because I really didn't know what to do.

But I almost feel like a little bit guilty of like calling in and using something that might

be painful to her.

I don't know if this guy, like Holly Activis on social, but like from a FINSTA, like a fake Instagram account, you sent him a like, I know what you did last summer kind of message anonymously.

So it doesn't come from you where it's just like, hey, I was at this wedding.

I saw what happened.

I'm going to tell her.

Basically getting him to hopefully tell her himself.

Yeah, just make him think like there are people out there who know who are planning on telling my fiancé and he doesn't know who it's from or when.

It's just a, it's just an idle threat.

It's just a, that, but you keep yourself out of it.

You don't, you know, um, doesn't come from you.

And then you leave it.

Like that, that, and, and then maybe you can go for it with a clear conscience.

I tried to, I tried to push it forward without getting myself involved.

Maybe some version of that.

Like, I, you know, honestly, it's not that, it's not the worst idea.

No, it's not a bad idea.

It just feels a little shady.

Yeah.

Making a fake account.

But again, that's what you're not going to her.

You're going to him.

I think going to her would be cruel because then it's like either, either tell her or don't tell her.

You know, don't get in her head because, again, it could be.

But you just, you make it seem like she's about to find out.

You never tell her, but you, you somehow make him think that there's people or a person who was at the wedding, doesn't know it's a man or a woman, whatever.

He's probably going to think it's your friend.

Yeah.

But I guess, what do you think is like the right thing to do?

What is your friend?

Yeah, that's a good question.

What is your friend one?

Have you talked with your friend who was.

Oh, yeah.

She was really nice about it.

She felt so guilty.

And I was like, you literally did nothing wrong.

You had no idea.

But she was absolutely shocked.

She thought he just had a girlfriend.

And when I said, like, no, he's like engaged like the full nine yards she was does she have an opinion whether she wants this woman to know I feel like the way she told me it felt as if she was like you should probably tell her

yeah I mean if you do this whole anonymous thing and he might he's gonna think it's her but or maybe she does that thing I don't think she would necessarily care I think she kind of just thinks he's a dick now so yeah I mean I don't think she she's never gonna see him again If you're trying to look at, if you're trying to look out for the ladies, I wouldn't go any further than messaging him and scaring him to think that like she's going to find out if he doesn't tell her.

So he better get ahead of it.

Yeah.

You think that would be better than like just trying to go directly to her?

I don't know what's better or worse, right?

Because again, there's too many variables we don't know.

And for all you know, you, they're probably not, but maybe they have an understanding.

You know, I don't know.

Maybe she doesn't want to fucking know.

I don't know.

Maybe she's already done some shit and maybe they have their own like relationship trauma.

I don't know.

And since you don't know a lot, going to her with something that's kind of like, yeah, it's definitely wrong what he did, but like, it's just kind of sticking your business in something that, like, I just don't know if you need to attach your wedding and your special date and inserting yourself in drama.

And that's why I don't think you should go to her and getting your head and getting her scared about something that maybe she doesn't know.

Scaring him and giving and trying to encourage him to come clean to his fiancé, not knowing what this person, you or your friend, knows or doesn't know, or what he's going to say or not say.

Yeah.

It's just that, like, it's like, again, I know what you did last summer.

Well, what did I do?

Did I kill someone?

Did I not kill someone?

Did I steal candy?

You don't even say that.

You're just like, I know what you did and your fiancé deserves to know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tell her or we will.

I know what you did at the wedding.

Your fiancé deserves to know.

Tell her or we will is the message.

It's great.

But then we actually, well, it's just no you don't you then then you at that point You're like you've done as much as you should and then you leave it in destiny's hands.

Yeah

It's a weird one or you leave it alone.

I mean again like you're it's this is not you know, it's not your job to protect these people's relationships that you're not really you don't really know this would be for like looking out for the ladies.

This is a nuanced thing.

And like no one listening could say, even if like the people listening who are triggered by this conversation because because they feel like they're her in this equation and they would want to know, but like the whoever's listening doesn't know this person's story, doesn't know this person, doesn't know their personality, doesn't know if they would, you know, I don't know, she might not want to know.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, we don't know this person.

So like, you got to be very careful to like decide for yourself what this person would want to know.

Like, that's why it's just more, it's scaring him.

He hopefully knows what his fiancé would want and their relationship.

And so you just make him feel to whatever degree that he is feeling guilty or worried that she might find out.

And just, you know, and

the person who cheats is always like, I don't want them to know.

And hoping it goes away and hoping, you know, and, and you're letting him know that like, there's people out here who are going to know.

And like, it's better to tell her now than for waiting for her to find out from us when it's worse.

And he can control the narrative and yada, yada, yada.

And yeah, I think that's as far as you go if you go there at all.

Anywhere.

I have a hard time imagining myself making Instagram, but I almost like want my husband to like text that basically.

It doesn't really matter.

But like, listen, like, this is drama.

It's a little fun.

Just be careful.

You're not getting wrapped up in the drama.

Like, is this really about protecting the girlies?

Or is this just a, you know, is it something to do on a Friday night?

Because again, once you send it, you're done.

Like, once you send it, you will not get an answer.

You will not find out if he said anything, most likely.

You know, I guess there's always like, you know, if he does decide to tell her to break up, you can, I don't know, but you have to assume that once you send it, that's it.

There's no closure on your part, which is fine.

Yeah, totally.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

Well, well, let me know what you end up doing.

Yeah, I will.

Um, I'm curious to see what my husband thinks.

Uh, but I'm a huge biofiles fan.

I'm a subscriber.

So thanks for.

Well, thank you for the support.

Thanks for listening.

I appreciate it.

Thanks for

more exciting things to come.

But

yeah, we appreciate it.

I love it.

I think Natalie needs her own podcast.

So maybe.

We're on the same page.

I keep telling her.

All right.

Well, let me know.

I'm curious what you guys decide.

No, that sounds good.

Maybe I could get my husband on the update.

All right.

Look forward to it.

Thanks for the call.

I appreciate you.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

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How's it going?

Good.

How are you?

I am Nicole.

I'm 33 and I want to know how to date as a micro influencer.

What are your challenges as a micro?

Like, what made you reach out and ask?

So I have felt like it's really hard to, one, know people's intentions.

I live in a little bit of a smaller town.

So while I don't have a huge following, a lot of people know me in the area.

And I don't get a lot of DMs.

I know you and Natalie met via the DMs, but I have been on the dating apps and I meet people.

And it seems like as soon as they find out about my following, the vibe just changes and it's not always positive.

And then if it is positive, I feel like sometimes it's not for the right reasons.

Okay.

Just tell me what some of the reactions are.

It's interesting because with my following, I have about 35,000 followers.

So like, it's a good amount, but it's not crazy.

And I feel like people around here look at it like, oh my God, you're famous.

And I'm like, no, no, no, that's not what this is.

But then it's like, oh, so like you get a bunch of free stuff.

Like, would I, would you be willing to bring me to get that free stuff with you?

Like, I want to go get the free meals you're getting.

I want to go do this.

And I'm like, guys are asking for free meals.

They'll like ask me if they would be able to go with me and do these things.

And I'm like, do you want to get to know me or do you just want to reap the benefits of my page?

How do you describe your job on these days?

So I have a full-time job too.

So I don't necessarily lead with this.

I'll usually say, you know, I work in tech or whatever.

And then they'll be like, oh, what do you do in your spare time?

And that's kind of when that separate conversation comes up.

And how do you message that so i don't call myself an influencer it kind of gives me like ick so i'll just say i help promote small businesses in our area through my instagram cool and then they're and they're like how then you tell them yeah and some of them are like oh my god i follow your page or i've heard of you and some of them just think it's really cool but most of them just immediately think it's like this stardom of sorts and it's very odd to me i guess i don't necessarily see it as a problem i see it as a filter i guess i just feel like i'm 33 and it's like how

much filtering can i do i feel like my options are not like i have no options here are you in a small town or a big town it's not super small it's like there are little pockets in the area but i've been on the dating apps last three years and haven't had the best luck.

Even if people don't know me, it's still just awful.

But yeah, well, I mean, that's that's the name of the game.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, I think dating culture right now is a challenge for anyone out there.

And I don't think,

yeah, again, the dating apps, there's a lot of issues with them.

And everyone feels like they're struggling with it.

Because again, I don't think the apps are necessarily really meant to get people off the apps and connect.

There are certainly success stories.

It's like going on reality TV.

You can meet someone.

People have gotten married.

Kids have been born.

Is it the best way to meet the love of your life?

Not necessarily, but like, it's certainly a way to meet someone.

I guess, too, my question is like, how do you know that someone's intentions are good?

Like, did you DM Natalie or did she DM you?

And if she DM'd you, how were you like, oh, is she just reaching out to me because I'm was real on reality TV?

Or?

I mean, she DMed me.

And certainly, yeah, when that happens, there's always like, there's a guard up.

And that's the thing.

It's just like, I think there's a level of.

And you mentioned like, you know, the word influencer gives you the ick.

And I'm not saying, but like, there's a level of, you just have to make sure you don't take yourself too seriously.

and i'm sure your responses would be like oh i don't but like there's a there's a fine line between like having your guard up because people can be funny when they have a point of view about you that like anytime i met someone who found out i was on tv or knew i was on tv but tried to not know i was on tv they had a point of view right and so they'll project that point of view over time right and i had been on dates with people who over time made me uncomfortable because it was more like you could tell they were trying not to act weird and by doing so acted weird and others like really made me feel like a normal person and didn't really care and that's why i say i call it a filter because if this is something you like and you do to whatever degree you don't make it a thing if someone doesn't know how to handle being around you they're not your person again is it weird to it's weird to me that someone immediately was like asked for free dinners um because like yeah i mean it's not like their first reaction but it's also you know know, like if I'm talking to someone and I decide I don't want to pursue them, I recently had a guy say, well, I never wanted to go out with you anyway because I looked at your page and you just seem like you're stuck up and conceited and all these things.

Yeah, but like, that's just a guy you rejected who's mad.

Yeah.

Who's mad?

And again, like, understand that's never fun to hear, but that, again, is a filter.

Just like that guy just revealed who he is.

If, if, you know, this is a petty person who, when triggered and emotionally upset, will react to try to hurt your feelings.

So, like, if you had decided to date that person and make them your boyfriend, you might not break up with them, but maybe you did something to upset him.

And now you know that this is the type of person who would want to hurt you, even if you accidentally hurt him in a relationship.

No, that's definitely true.

So it's just like a filter in that regard.

And I think when we're dating, like, I know dating can be frustrating.

Dating is hard.

It's hard to meet people, but like, you can't have it both.

You can't find something that is special and one of a kind and unique.

And at the same time, also like every person you go on a date with or like most people you go on a date with.

Because if most people you go on a date with, you like and you're looking for reasons to like them, then that ceases to make them special.

But again, it's a fine line.

You have to, in dating, I think sometimes it's good to be picky, but some of us are too picky.

Again, that's when we go back to like knowing the differences between pet peeves and non-negotiables, right?

Like we're spending too much time with focusing on like these little icks and things like that rather than like, how does this person treat me?

How do they, how comfortable do I feel with them?

You know, how interested are they in my life?

You know, like the ideal person is someone who has a unique hobby or is passionate about what they do in life and work.

So that like.

When they find out about your extracurricular activities, there's a level of curiosity.

Oh, that's really cool.

That's tell me more about that.

Like I know nothing about that world.

Like, wow, 35,000 followers, that's a lot.

That's really cool.

Like, is, are you able to make some extra money with that?

Like, is it, does it ever get frustrating?

Like, or is it just all like fun and gravy?

Or like, how'd you get into that?

Like, you know, just someone who's just naturally curious about it rather than weird about it.

You have to like, what you have to be mindful of is to not project either other, you know, things that other men in the past have said about it or made you feel.

You have to make sure that you don't take yourself so seriously because what you are doing is unique.

And for all the people in your community, you go, oh, are you famous?

And you're like, no, I'm not famous.

But like, there is a level of self-importance that comes with this thing that you're doing.

And I think often we want to, you know, we want to be self-aware enough to know that like, hey, I'm not that special.

But we also want to feel like the things that we do are unique and special.

And we want to be validated and feel important.

And I think sometimes we have a hard time time striking that balance.

Right.

And so

you have to be careful that when someone does show an interest or asks you questions or like, or even maybe makes a joke.

Oh, that's fun.

Like maybe I can come along and get a enjoy this experience that you're like, you're not like, maybe they're just fucking joking with you.

Maybe they're just having a sense of humor.

And that could definitely be possible.

Like, I think because even like with friendships, people I feel like have kind of used me in the past.

I do have this guard up, and that's really hard to kind of put down.

And I honestly wish guys would DM me, but so many of you.

What do you mean, like, a friend has used you?

Like, give me a scenario.

Like, how do you like?

I've had friends with businesses that will basically like ask to like want to be my friend, ask to grab coffee, and I'll be like, oh, this is fun, a new friend, whatever.

And we'll get to know each other.

And after a year, and I'm sitting here, like promoting their business on my page, they disappear and they're like, bye.

And it's like, oh, well, thanks for all the promotion.

That's what i needed you for and then they yeah i mean there is that which sucks but also i mean well i mean now you know like if if if someone like reaches out to you and and and pursues a friendship with you and you find out they're a small business owner and you and your side hustle is to promote small businesses then that's a red you know immediately your guard should go up you know Yeah, I'm just like, I don't want to be this person.

If I were like a

if I were a model agent and I had all these like, you know, if I were single and all these models reaching out to me and I just wanted to find true love, I might be skeptical of a bunch of models like hitting me up.

Or, you know, like if I were in the music business and

all these like aspiring young artists reached out to me and I was like this young music executive, I might, you know, that might be a red flag.

You know, use common sense, you know.

A small business owner who randomly reaches out to you and pursues a friendship, like there's an obvious advantage to them to being your friend, right?

You know?

Yeah.

And I mean, I think in the beginning, I just didn't know what I didn't know because I was just having fun and posting on this page and whatever.

Now I'm much more guarded about it.

I just don't want to let me being guarded keep me from something that could be good, too.

I think it's important for you to not take your side hustle that seriously.

And I do.

Like everything I do, I'm very passionate about it.

So I'm just like, this is my baby, you know?

Which is good.

But I think, again,

from your perspective, I can tell you there's no difference between having 35,000 followers and having 1.3 million followers.

To be honest, I probably care less about my following than you care about yours.

Maybe.

I don't know.

In my experience, you know, but get, but

it's just like, again, you built this and it's unique to what, you know, like most people.

And again, in your community, like I had the advantages of being on a TV show and like kind of gifted followers and I've certainly have like grown it and done things like that.

But it's a, it's a very unique thing and people are fascinated with this space.

Like you ask kids in high school what they want to be in the grow up and the number one answer is YouTube star.

It's not astronaut or rocket scientist or whatever anymore.

It's like, so you, you are dabbling in a very fascinating field that for a lot of people has a hint of celebrity to it.

And people get weird around around that.

But like, as you know, you're really not.

And you are describing a desire for normalcy, a normal life and meeting a normal guy and having a normal relationship and not being treated differently because of this side hustle that you have.

So it's important for you to not be different about it and not be so precious about it.

You can be passionate about it.

Have people pull it out of you and not be guarded when they're just asking normal questions.

If you happen to meet a friend or a guy who happens to be a small business owner and you find out after the fact, you can just say, yeah, I don't, I don't work with friends.

Things get complicated and weird.

So I don't really, I don't really do it for friends.

I don't, you know, because like, also,

you want to keep a level of authenticity.

If your whole side hustle is about objectively reviewing and critiquing and potentially at times promoting small businesses based off of the merits of the business, then your audience needs to know it's not a pay-for-play or that you're just there to promote your friends.

It's like, should I go to this place because

they have a need that they can help you with or a service they provide that's like better than the rest?

Or is it this woman's friend?

So you could just say, like, I just, I don't really work with friends.

Yeah, that's true.

And there's a boundary that you can have.

And you can decide to make exceptions from time to time.

But right off the bat, when you find out people have small businesses or they're potentially in a position to use you you in a way that you don't want to be used you can make sure you communicate that boundary and see how they react yeah i like that plan the fact that like you have made friends with people with small businesses and became friends with them tells me there is a level that you whether consciously or subconsciously you you liked it liked what like liked the fact that they were giving me attention you mean because

you're not an idiot right i can i've yeah i know you're not an idiot i've talked to you long enough to know that you're not an idiot right And, you know, you've built this thing off on the side of reviewing businesses, right?

So I, you don't need me to tell you, as someone who has a side hustle to promote small businesses, that meeting someone as friends or as a potential romantic person

interest,

finding out they also, they, they have a small business is a potential red flag.

And you don't need me to tell that.

You knew that already back in the day.

Whether you chose to flag it and do anything with it or not has nothing to do with the fact that like you're aware that it was a potential red flag.

And if we're being honest with ourselves, we like having power over people.

We like people needing us.

We like people being fascinated with what we do.

So the flip side of that is when you found out that someone was a small business owner subconsciously, you knew that like you could help them or that they might need you or that that they would show an extra interest in what you did.

It would validate you.

Like, there's a lot of people in your community.

Most people in your community don't give a fuck about your side hustle.

They don't give a fuck.

But there's a part of you, your ego.

I would.

You want people, we all want people to give a fuck about what we do.

And if this is something you worked on your own and you built by yourself and you really like put work and passion into it, you want people to care, right?

Like I literally, my, my, I had my brother-in-law over last night for dinner.

I like to cook, you know, made my homemade spaghetti sauce, homemade meatballs, you know, and he was like, this is the best.

This is so fucking good.

And oh my God, I've been eating hotel.

And that felt validating because like, I, you know, I enjoy cooking.

It's a passion of mine.

And yeah, it was validating to have them really enjoy my cooking.

And so there's a part when you meet someone who is a small business owner, they're more set up to validate.

the work that you've put into the small business.

Oh, that's really cool.

How'd you do that?

Oh, that's that's really fascinating.

They're probably the type of people who show more of an interest in this side hustle that you have, right?

For sure.

And there's a part of your ego that likes that and wants to hear that.

Right.

And so you've ignored the red flags in the sake of being validated for your side hustle.

Yeah, that makes sense.

And I think.

there are probably numerous times that I've done that without even realizing I'm doing it.

So now that you're saying it, I'm like, I need to be aware of that when people are talking to me.

Because yeah, it feels good to be, you know, complimented or whatever.

And I like helping people.

So when I help people and then I get that positive affirmation back, I'm like, oh my God, I want to do it again.

And it's not also, I think you need to recognize it's not just about helping people.

It's just like, I, I like being validated.

We all do.

Yeah.

Right.

That's fair.

So that's when I say you got to be careful about not taking.

your side hustle, your passion project so seriously.

You can be serious about it and you can be dedicated to it and you can be passionate about it without taking yourself that seriously and acting like, you know, because your version is like, people are weird around me and I don't even know what the big deal is and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But it's like, well, you know, like there's, again, there's a part of you that likes it, right?

Like it's the celebrity that like complains that they can't go out in public anymore.

But when no one notices them, they're like, wait, no one gave a fuck that I was like, what?

You know, like the reality TV star that walks a little bit slower when they have a group of like girls who look like they watch The Bachelor and they walk a little bit slower and they make eye contact with that group so that they do get notice, only so that they can complain about it after the fact.

I mean, that shit happens all the time.

Yeah.

And there's a version of that that you're doing.

And I know that because like it's almost impossible not to.

And it takes a lot to be self-aware about that stuff.

And as someone who's been in this world for 15 years, I can assure you that if you feel like a local celebrity, if there are people out there who make you feel like a local celebrity, there's a part of that that feels very good and validating.

And that's fun and exciting.

And there's also a part of you that you're subconscious, unless you tell yourself not to take yourself too seriously,

you inevitably will be taking yourself too seriously.

Yeah, that's good advice.

Because I do, I think, you know, it's just like a whole different world to me that I'm not, I've only had the page a couple of years.

So it's kind of a new, it blew up really fast in this area.

And there has been a lot of attention and yeah it does feel good but also i do think i need to kind of check myself sometimes and be like just remember like at the end of the day you're just you and i do have my full-time job and i think sometimes i i need to like lead with that and not lead as much with the side hustle i think that's good for you to acknowledge and my guess is that you um lead with it more than you realize

probably i think you like oh i work in tech and then you're waiting to tell people about this thing that you're proud of Like you are proud of it.

And that's cool that you're proud of it, you know?

And so you have to figure out how to,

you have to figure out how to feel validated and proud of it without using it as a way to impress people that you either want to date romantically or become friends with.

Because that's the thing.

You are using it to impress people and then you don't like it when you feel used.

You're using it.

And then when you get used by it, you don't like it.

And I do think I've always put a lot of weight on my career.

So I find like my value in that.

So I end up leading with like, yeah, I work in tech, but I also do this.

And like, look at me go.

And I need to remember like there are a lot of other parts of me that are great.

And it's just, it's not just my career that is what makes me cool, you know, and like fun and whatever and all these other things.

Cause that is what I always,

I don't know, I feel like that was something for my parents too.

They're like, you got to have the career.

You got to do this.

And so then I put so much weight on it.

You have to, we have to find ways to validate ourselves without necessarily needing it from other people it's good to get it from other people but yeah and i am i've actually been working on that with my therapist because she was like you get a lot of positive like affirmations it seems but then you don't really believe them so like what is it about you that you're like you're trying to like overcompensate for things and then i feel like that's where that comes in too that i'm like well look at this page i have and whatever Yeah, and I can tell you, like, it's, it is, listen, like this thing that you've entered into is a very, like, it can be very, there are a lot of benefit benefits and perks and it's exciting, but like, it's easy to get wrapped up into it and it's easy to lose yourself in it.

And it's, it's, it's a very ego-centric thing.

How do you feel like you

stay grounded and just like don't take it all too seriously?

Because my introverted self.

kind of hates the attention.

I mean, I have a big ego and certainly like I can be mindful of that, but I also just like at this point, I'd rather be rich and powerful than popular.

I'm pretty offline, and I don't look at anything, you know.

I'm very mindful of where my energy goes.

I talk about that shit all the time.

I try to put it in practice.

So, as a business owner and a host of a show, I am trying to focus my energy when it comes to my show on.

the creative element.

And I don't spend a lot of time online looking for feedback or validation because, like, that's not the type of feedback that's really helpful for me.

I'll have other people monitor certain types of feedback to like make sure like we're overall heading in the right direction.

But I don't get into the weeds of like comments and things like that because like five comments, we have millions of people listening to this show every month.

You know, 20 comments don't really

like dictate, but like it doesn't feel like 20 comments when you're reading it back to back to back to back to back.

And so I don't know, it just, I've gotten good at that right like also you have to be what are your goals for your small business you know what i'm saying if you're like when people go on reality tv the first sense of validation is to like just either are you popular or are you not popular and if you're popular you feel special and you hope that popularity will get you like opportunities i've been and i do think i don't really know like exactly where I want to go with this.

So maybe that is something I need to think about too is like, what is my goal?

And once I hit it, like being happy with that.

Well, that's the thing.

You know, because right now, if you don't know what your goal goal is your goal probably is to like feel important like I know I want to help these small businesses but I'm like what is I doubt you I'm I'm sure that is an ancillary benefit I doubt you got into it because one night you were in bed being like you know what I my purpose in life is to help other people's businesses like yeah you know what I'm saying you're not Jesus you're not you're not small business Jesus yeah

no for sure I'm sure you like doing it.

When I started this show of giving advice, it was like, I'm good at this.

I know I can do it.

Maybe I can make a show out of it you know it wasn't i wasn't lying in bed and you'd be like you know what i just all i want to do is help other people's relationship problems i i do get a lot of enjoyment and personal like like this this ask nicks part of the the show is like the one side that i really like get fulfillment out because i ended up helping people and that made me feel good about like doing good but i would i can't honestly but that's why i got into it you know like that would be it's like okay like i knew i could help people but it was like, I wanted to start a show.

So, like, yeah, what is your goal of the side business?

Is it to eventually quit your full-time job and do this?

Maybe that's cool.

Like, you know,

if you're just.

I don't know if that's what I want to do.

So I do think maybe.

I think that's a good thing to know because until you know that, then you run the risk of it just being something that makes you feel cool and that you want to get validated for.

And if you, if you're not doing it, if you don't have a specific goal in mind, then you're, you're, you're doing it for the attention.

And that, and so when it comes to dating and making friends, it will be very difficult for you to discern the difference between whether you like the fact that people know about it or treat you differently or make you feel unique and special, even at the risk of being used or not.

This was helpful.

It made me think about things in a different way.

But yeah, I mean, at the same time, it is cool that you did that.

And maybe it can be a fun side project.

And if you're able to make a little money off of it, like, hey, very few better part-time jobs than having a, you know, a small micro following that you can make some extra cash on and have a small business that you can do on the side at your leisure in your time.

Yeah.

And it can give you access in your community and credibility that can help you out.

You know, like, that's another thing.

I, you know, I was aware enough early on to like, be able to realize, well, this can give me access and open doors for me for other aspects of my business or things I want to do.

The ego will always be there.

You just have to be mindful of it.

So, like, yeah.

But you're, I think, yeah, that's the thing.

Your big, your big thing is figuring out, why am I doing this?

Now that I have it, what do I want to do with it?

What's my next goal for it?

Yeah, I need to think about that.

And I just need to remember not to lead with that so much when I am dating.

Because it is fun and I get so much excitement out of it that I want to talk about it.

And I need to, I think, reel it in a little bit.

Great.

Well, keep me updated.

I'd love to know what you,

how this is.

I will.

I'm going on a date tomorrow.

So I haven't been on one in a while.

So I'm going to.

Have fun.

I would look not to bring it up.

Well, he already knows about it.

Okay.

Great.

Make him, make him ask.

How does he know about it?

I was a judge for this local event in the area, and he was volunteering at it.

And we were standing at a table with a bunch of other people talking.

And one of the other women brought up that she knew my page.

And he was like, oh, I haven't heard of it.

I didn't, he's like, I'm not really big on Instagram.

And honestly, for me, that was a green flag because I was like, that's great.

I love that you don't really dabble in that world.

And then like, he followed me, he damned me, whatever.

So when he asked, again, like, it's, it's a second, honestly, you can just be like, in terms of all the ego elements, you got to downplay that and upplay the practical aspects of this side business.

So whatever popularity or attention that comes with it, that's not a thing.

It's just more like,

it's a great side job.

It's a great way to make a little extra money on the side.

There's a lot of flexibility in it because it's like my business and it doesn't come in between.

So like, honestly, that's why I do it.

And then I, you know, I get to, you know, go to these fun events and meet people like yourself.

And, you know, that's, that's how I got into it.

And that's what I enjoy about it.

But like, it's really not, it's not much more than that.

I will lead with that and see how it goes.

He really hasn't brought it up much.

So I do feel good about that.

Like he's been asking questions to get to know me and my nine-to-five career and all that stuff.

I think the more you talk about it as a business, and the less you talk about it as a something cool, that's good advice, too.

Because I do sometimes forget that I'm an actual business owner because I am making money off it, so it is a business.

Like, I need to

be, I don't know, if you don't see it that way, then yeah, then you're definitely

you like how it makes you it makes you feel cool.

Right now, from talking to you that's why you do it and the it making you feel cool part is complicating your dating life because yeah no that makes sense all it is is it and you asked me how i do it yeah it's a business for me

it's work it's all it is it's work i enjoy i'm lucky to do it it's better than being an accountant no offense to accounts out there I didn't personally enjoy being an accountant when I was.

And so I'm grateful that I get to do this kind of fun, zany, exciting job, but it's a job.

And I do really like like my full-time job too.

So I don't know.

I think I need to kind of like retrain my brain of how I look at all of this.

And Ben Affleck gave an interview not too long ago.

He talked about the difference between being a celebrity and being rich.

And he was right.

You know, being rich, it's not the key to happiness, but it helps.

It doesn't, you know,

being a celebrity.

only is it's it's it's very short-term pleasure and a lot of headache long-term that comes with it.

Yeah.

And I do think over the past six months, I've started realizing that and just like navigating all of those feelings and different things has been confusing.

And like I said, like it's all relative.

You probably in your community act more like a celebrity than Ben Affleck does in his.

I don't know about that, but maybe.

I don't know.

Well, again, it's all relative because, you know, if you're in any type of small town, people get excited about the local news.

So for you, it's a very fascinating thing.

For some people who interact with you, it's the closest they've ever

interacted with a celebrity.

And so it makes you feel important.

It makes you feel special.

Like, you know, Ben Affleck's been doing this for a lifetime.

He's just like fucking sick of it.

So it's all, it's all real.

That's why like a lot of like

reality TV stars, fresh out of TV shows, are like just ego maniacs because like

everyone's telling them how unique and special they are.

And then they're like, that's when the, like, it crashes and burns burns because people get over things fast.

And then for six months, they're told how they're the closest thing to Taylor Swift.

And then a month later, people are like, wait, were you in that?

Who are you?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

All right.

Thank you.

All right.

We'll take care.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Time.