E893 Ask Nick - How Do I Connect With My Son?

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How's it going? Good. Hi, I'm Megan.
I'm 34 and I'm afraid a conspiracy theorist is going to ruin my sister's wedding. How is a conspiracy theorist going to ruin your sister's wedding? So the conspiracy theorist is my husband's grandfather.
So this is my husband's sister. She's getting married to her partner of 10 plus years later this month.
So it's the bride's grandfather. Yes, it's the bride's grandfather.
Yes. Okay.
Okay. Grandpa.
Papa. Good old grandpa.
Papa. She wanted our advice on whether to uninvite him because they've already RSVP'd.
Yes. Okay.
What is, I'm almost afraid to ask, but what is. I can give you some, I can give you more background.
What's the conspiracy theory? Is there a specifics and conspiracy theory that she's trying to avoid? Like short of a lot of people going to this wedding who have a lot of different opinions about a lot of different things, why is grandpa a threat? So a little bit of background, throughout COVID in the last several years, he's really just gone deep into the rabbit hole of dark political conspiracy theories. And we're not talking tinfoil hats or thatas aren't real, but like he spends all day, all night, like online with this extremist misinformation cult, I guess you could say.
And so like for the first few years, he wasn't like so far gone that you couldn't have a regular conversation. And we only really see them like once or twice a year around the holidays.
So we would just kind of deal with it and try to redirect the conversations. Over time, my in-laws would tell us stories about them getting into like screaming matches with them for like hours when nobody else was there.
We kind of like brushed it off. We thought it like was somewhat of an exaggeration, but Christmas of 2023, we went over for dinner.
Grandpa was back in the room that he stays in in all day all night um he didn't come out until dinner and something got said that triggered him to start yelling about how he's a reborn alien the aliens are in charge the whole um you know thing about um children being trafficked and exploited so that their adrenaline could be taken from them and pumped into celebrities faces to stay young um so it's really like extreme um conspiracy theory a lot of anti-semitic conspiracies and so you know uh really just don't want there to be like a scene at the wedding because it's kind of gotten to the point where he you can't have like a regular conversation with him anymore sounds dark yeah um it's a it's a shame you know we live in weird times but it is and i mean it's sad yeah and these these sounds like some crazy crazy conspiracy theories right like you mentioned like human trafficking right like i'm sure like some conspiracy theorists let's say we're listening you know like sadly human trafficking does go on i don't think it's aliens or people in hollywood sucking the blood and and uh blah blah blah all that crazy shit it kind of reminds me of that was that what that that remember like the the lady who was on the airplane and she's like that motherfucker's not real and yes all of that it's just so dark and there's like

it's sad because there's really no talking sense into anyone. They won't even hear it.
But to recap, we're not here to debate conspiracy theories or just confirm that everyone in this room doesn't agree with grandpa but the real concern is that grandpa sounds pretty locked in and pretty

pretty programmed that like you you and and your sister-in-law and the bride specifically is

worried that grandpa could find himself in a conversation with god knows who and at any

moment accuse someone of being a child trafficking alien um and cause a dramatic scene

Thank you. find himself in a conversation with God knows who, and at any moment, accuse someone of being a child trafficking alien and cause a dramatic scene.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. And I think she's torn because she doesn't want to look back and know that one of her living grandparents at her wedding wasn't in photos, but yeah, there's a major concern about causing scene embarrassing them and you know really like just the fact that their values and belief systems are like so 180 opposite that i just feel like it's a recipe for disaster and i think she should set some boundaries belief systems there's like hey we voted for this guy and you voted for that guy and let's just you know you know who gives a fuck today giving like, you know, he's afraid the aliens are taking over.
And if you think the aliens are taking over, you know, you, you're going to speak up. Yeah.
You know, you're going to say something, you know, right now fear is very popular to sell sadly. Um, and it's being sold to anyone who's willing to listen, regardless of what side of the aisle you are on.
Everyone in power is trying to convince people aren't in power that they should be afraid of the other side, which is really sad because, you know, I really believe that your grandfather is a victim in this kind of crazy world that, you know, is spewing these types of just crazy things. That being said, if he's that much of a liability, I don't think he should go.
I mean, if we really think that... Grandpa's pretty...
How old is Grandpa? Late 70s. Late 70s.
And he's mobile and he's of sound mind. I mean, minus his conspiracy theories.
He's like... I guess I'm...
Natalie's grandpa. I mean, he's 90.
He's in a wheelchair you know regardless of what he believed in he would have a hard time communicating that so and he doesn't can believe in it but like grandpa is capable of creating a scene if he wanted to i guess is my question yeah and i think that that's like my concern is i don't think i don't think there's a way that a scene would not be created at this point given like how far gone he is and is there anyone in the family who has his ear? No, he's just out on his own island and it's

really... would not be created at this point, given how far gone he is.
And is there anyone in the family who has his ear? No, he's just out on his own island. And it's really pretty sad because he's kind of alienated himself and their grandmother from everyone because he's done this with every different side of the family at this point.
That's crazy. I mean, it is crazy.
And it's also just so sad because my husband is one of the calmest, most stoic people you've ever met. And last Christmas when this blow up happened, like he even lost it.
We left and we did not come back for the rest of the holiday gathering. And so someone's got to take grandpa's toy away.
What if he just disconnected his internet? I don't know. He lives by himself or he's, it's not like he's.
Yeah. They, they still live on they still live on their own what about grandma if we want to invite grandpa i think that's the sad part is yeah i think she still wants grandma to come and i think grandma could come alone but we just don't want to necessarily make her feel you know some type of way by is there riskfully excluding and i'm sure you've already thought of this but I'm just

gonna ask

your his his son my

father-in-law your father-in-law could he go to

him and be like listen I'm not here to discuss

what you believe that that is

your beliefs but like

my daughter is getting married and

we'd love for you guys to be there

but like we

for God's sake we cannot have

like we need you to just mind your

business for

I'm sorry. And we'd love for you guys to be there.
But like we, for God's sake, we cannot have, like, we need you to just mind your business for eight hours. Like, is that possible? Like grandpa wouldn't.
He tried. Yeah, he tried and was told to fuck off.
So, I mean, that to me in itself is the answer that we need. Yeah, I think you got the answer.'s not he's not giving you you can't can't reason with him he literally tried and his response was fuck off i think you just try to do anything everything you can to bring grandma but i don't know like is this is this man gonna like call the cops and say you kidnapped my wife you know like i don't i don't know i i don't yeah no i don't know i don't think so either but i i guess too Like, you know, my husband doesn don't, I don't know.
I don't, yeah, no, I don't know. I don't think so either, but I, I guess too, like, you know,

my husband doesn't want him to come. His dad does not want him to come,

but you know, it's her choice. So like if she,

for whatever reason did decide to let him come and he does cause a scene, like how do you think that should be handled?

Well, like who should be responsible for removing him?

Probably his dad, his son, you him probably his dad dad his son you know her dad his son yeah all right i mean just out of curiosity why is the bride still even care you know considering this i personally don't know i think she's just so empathetic and she's always trying to like give people so many chances um and, just her other grandmother is ill and not able to come. Her other grandfather is not alive.
So I think she's just trying to keep like what she can in terms of like that family unit there. Yeah.
That's a sad situation. If the bride were here, I would be like, listen, it's your wedding.
Do what you want. And if you want to invite grandpa and grandpa at the risk of grandpa doing his thing, then, you know, you just have to make sure that if that happens, it doesn't ruin anything else that we all, you kind of, everyone just kind of like, okay, it's happening.
No big deal. Everyone knew this was going to happen.
Let's just remove it. Let's not create a scene.
Let's move on. What we don't want is the bride to, you know, well, Hey, let's just invite them.
Cause I just want to make sure my grandparents are there and it's really sad. And then grandpa does his thing.
And then everyone acts like, I can't believe grandpa did that, you know? And then the rest of the night is focused on, I can't believe grandpa did that. Like if we're going to invite grandpa, we just have to be prepared for it.
We have to assume it's probably going to happen and we got to hope it doesn't happen if it happens it's just like oh you know it's like almost as if you scheduled in the wedding itinerary after we cut the cake grandpa's going to lose the shit and then we're going to remove him and then we're going to do the the first dance you know you almost have to have that mentality like if i'm that's what i would say to the bride because like it's almost certainly going to happen and if and listen if grandma and grandpa at your wedding matters more to you than a little drama let's bring them fuck it who gives a shit right this all comes down to a matter of just perspective and like you know a bride or a groom like who you know we we have the term bridezilla right or like you know birthdayzilla like so the part you know the birthday boy or who like who's just like this is this party sucks and i wanted this and i wanted that so it all comes down to what the bride and groom are expecting their wedding day to be like right what are they focused on are they focused you know nally and i were just we were just like this is our wedding and we're focused on us and our connection and And like, we'll see how the party goes, but we really like, we hope for the best, but, and it ended up being great, but we just really focused on us and anything that I don't even know half the stuff that might've happened. I really wasn't focused on that.
Right. But that, I just, that was the perspective I came in with other people who get married, you know, they get married and like, they care a lot about the party.
They want their, is everyone having fun and people having fun? Is everything going okay? They hear about something that's not going okay. They're like, they start fixing it on their own and they start freaking out.
And the wedding planner is like, no, we got it handled. The bride's always checking in.
Is it handled? Is it handled? Is it handled? Like, you know, that person is not focused on their wedding, right? So it really comes down to the bride and groom and what will make their wedding day special. Like, will drama affect their wedding day? Will other people talking about grandpa losing their shit make her feel embarrassed and stop her from enjoying her wedding day? And those are all valid reasons, but she has to kind of play out the scenarios and then she has to like anticipate what her reaction will be in those scenarios because if she is hoping for the best and that hoping for the best is grandpa doesn't lose his shit but knowing that if the if the best doesn't happen it could ruin everything then you definitely don't want grandpa to come but if hoping for the best is hoping that grandpa doesn't lose his shit but like if he does he does what we'll deal with it and it's not going to affect the wedding it will just be something we have to like take 10 minutes to handle you know yeah and yeah you know how big is the wedding question is it huge um probably like 150 people okay it's big enough does everyone know that grandpa's a little i don't think so so her future wife's mom is the pastor um marrying them and i don't think a lot of her future wife's family is aware of grandpa and his behavior maybe they should be i don't know listen we all have family have family members that are a little fucking crazy.
She's not the first. She won't be the last.
This is a fairly extreme example, but we live in divisive times and there will be a lot of people at this wedding that are not of like minds and that's fine. No one should be discussing anything other than the bride and groom.
So I think he should probably not be invited, but the bride just needs to understand what

she is saying yes to if she invites him and just understand what that looks like.

And if she does invite him, she needs to consider the possibility.

The best way to avoid an unexpected event at her wedding is to like, I don't know. I don't know if you need to like blast, you know, tell everyone, but like, I don't know.
Certain people might need to know. I would definitely inform the person doing the ceremony because in those moments, that person's in charge.
Let's assume in the middle of the ceremony, grandpa stands up and like goes on his spiel right like mother-in-law slash like

presider of the wedding could like literally point to someone and like everyone stay you know literally you know that kind of whole thing that someone does when they're like speaking in front of a room it would be important for that person to have a heads up about like any situation that could handle the wedding planner needs to know right if there's a wedding planner certain people need to be like on the lookout now that is at a cost to certain people who would otherwise want to enjoy the wedding you know like father of the bride i think that probably it would end up being me that would you know sort of be one of these people because my husband is a bridesmaid for his sister. So he's,

he'll be preoccupied.

Everyone in the immediate family would be preoccupied.

So are you,

how capable are you handling grandpa?

Oh,

I can handle grandpa.

I am not super confrontational,

but I think in that moment I would do my best to get him out of.

And if you're asked to do that,

it sounds like you're willing to do that at the risk of like not being able to slide or eat all the hors d'oeuvres. Yeah.
But I would say I'll do the best I can. Yeah.
And that's fine with me. I'm not super close with them.
So I can look at it a little bit from an outsider perspective. of, I think you're better off you in the family,

basically giving the bride permission to uninvite grandpa from the perspective of

a bride and groom,

you know,

like,

yeah,

you,

you're thinking about photos and pictures and things like that.

But like,

I think there's a difference between saying,

I don't think grandpa should come and grandpa's crazy.

And her dad being like, Hey, listen, let's just talk this through. Your wedding's going to be amazing regardless.
Let's just focus on that. A lot of positive affirmation to the bride.
But if grandpa doesn't there, grandpa's honestly, he's a little sick right now. He's not well in the head.
And let's just, I know that's hard to say, but the same way grandma can't make it because of her health reasons, grandpa can't either.

And that's sad, but it's okay.

And it's not something you're choosing to do easily.

We all want him to come.

But for the sake of your wedding, first and foremost, and just peace of mind, I would hate for you to have to enjoy it. And I think it's, you just kind of have to give her permission to uninvite him.
Because it almost feels like everyone's saying, I don't want him to come, I don't want him to come, and she has to be the person to save the day, and it's her wedding. Empathize with the bride on, I would want him there too.
You know, she needs to be given permission to not feel guilty for uninviting her grandpa. And so I would maybe focus more on that because I think we all agree that's the safest way.
And like, also the grandpa in the pictures. Hey, yeah, it's grandpa in the picture.
You know, remember that time where, you know, like him in the picture the picture if he's in the picture it will be a memory of having to deal with grandpa yeah you know yeah i totally agree i also have not seen the photos of me and my uh now these grandparents from our wedding i've seen a lot of photos from my wedding i have not seen those they do exist but i haven't seen them maybe now it has i don't know they're not at the top of your list they're not at the top of the list so yeah i guess that's my takeaway if you do invite him basically add that into the program grandpa loses his shit it's part of the wedding plan i'm honestly and if it doesn't happen great but if it does then it won't ruin the wedding because it's it's it's been expected yeah that's essentially what i'm thinking too just like if if it's going to happen we can at least plan for it and have some sort of idea of what to do but i really think the bride needs to be given permission to not feel guilty about uninviting him almost like you know it's like hey i'm you're not uninviting him i'm uninviting him you know i don't know you know but i think she needs to like whether it's the pictures kind of reminding her that like there's gonna be hundreds of pictures that might not that won't be the one that you're focused on too if that if he gets into a picture because there's no guarantee you invite him and he even makes it to the pictures that if he makes it to the pictures it's going to be a reminder of of where grandpa was at at this time maybe grandpa is better remembered when he wasn't believing in blood-sucking aliens i totally agree um anyway sorry you're dealing with this it's a it's a it sucks but yeah i um i think we try to give the bride uh a clean conscious for not grandpa at the wedding. And if that's not possible, then it's her wedding.
She can invite him. Yeah.
That sounds good. That's what we'll do.
All right. Thanks for the call.
All right. Thanks.
Take care. Bye.
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My name's Rachel. I'm 26 and I'm wondering how I get my boyfriend to care about my feelings.
What do you mean your boyfriend doesn't care about your feelings? Yeah. So for context, we dated in high school for six years and then we broke up for about six years.
I joined the military and we reconnected over the summer when I was home on vacation. So we are long distance.
But with his job, he can come spend like winter months with me. So he was here for three months over the winter.
And during that time, we kind of figured out that we have like vastly different sex drives, whereas he wants to, you know, have sex every day. And I'd be fine with like two to three times a week.
But around the time that we got together, I increased my dose of my antidepressant. And with that, I've noticed that I've like definitely, like, I don't even think about sex.
It's's not even on my radar and I know that that's you know a problem for sure so while he was here we kind of realized that we you know this is going to be a problem in our relationship that we need to address so I told him you know this is something that I'm going to work on with my doctor but it doesn't change overnight and I just kind of noticed that during this time he He has been like kind of withdrawing withdrawing from me, being different, not treating me as he used to. And so it was a point of tension the entire time he was here for the three months.
He left in January. The night before he left, we went out on a date.
And I asked him, I was like, oh, can you lean in and be sweet and soft towards me until you leave tomorrow. And he was like, are we really going to have this conversation again? What was the conversation that you were trying to have that he felt like he had multiple times? Yeah.
It had just been like a topic of conversation, you know, the entire time that he was here with, you know, me going to my doctors and trying to find like a different medication that'll work. And every time that, you know, we would have like a discussion of everything, it always came back to what you, he would say to me, you want an emotional connection.
I want a sexual connection and I don't feel like I'm getting what I need. And so in turn, like, you know, understandably, like you're not getting what you need from me.
And so it had kind of been like, you know, we talked about it a lot. Um, and it was definitely something that we both knew needed to be worked on, but you know, my medication, I can only do so much so fast.
Um, and so he said that comment and I let it go because I wanted to have enjoy our last night together. And then a few hours later we were on the way home and he's driving and I lean into him and I say, you know, like, Oh, I just want you to be soft with me.
Um. You know, like I, I miss that side of you.
And he kind of, you know, he got upset and he was like, you act like I beat you. You act like I'm mean to you.
You act like I'm doing something intentionally to hurt you. And that's not what I'm doing.
Well, what is it? What does he think he's doing? And he, and that's, so when we get into like more, you know, more of it, he up until very recently wouldn't really acknowledge his fault in anything or like his, the fact that he had been treating

me differently.

He hadn't been the partner that, that I had grown to know him to be.

And he didn't really, he wouldn't really acknowledge that.

And, um, kind of just made me feel like it was in my head.

So we get home and we don't really say like that conversation didn't go anywhere.

I was kind of taken aback because that's not, he's not very confrontational. And so I was kind of didn't really know what to say.
So we got home and it's late. So I shower, I get in bed and he just stays out on the couch, which is not normal.
And I asked him, I FaceTime him after about an hour and I'm like, Hey, are you going to come to bed? And he's like, well, what for? And I was like, what do you mean what for? And he was silent, didn't say anything. So I get upset.
I hang up the phone and I just roll over. I go to bed.
The next morning we wake up and he's in bed with me and we're just like scrolling on our phones. And I was like, is this really how we're going to spend our last day together? Mind you, I'm not going to see him probably until at least June, possibly August.
So this is a long time that we're not going to see each other. What month are we in? January.
He left January 10th. You're not going to see him all until August? Yes, sir.
Yes. With his job, he's working.
He's a commercial diver. Oh, wow.
Okay. So, yeah.
And I live in the desert. So he couldn't even move his job out here.
That's another point of conversation in our relationship, too. It's like it's always going to be long distance even if i were to move to where he is he's always out on remote jobs two questions before you keep going yeah how long have you guys been together and how old is he so we're both 26 and this time we've that we've only been together since may of last year okay so it's been like eight months and how'd you get together while he was diving? So when we dated in high school, we dated for six years until I left when I was 19 to join the military.
And I lived with him and his mom. So his mom was like my mom.
And so I had always stayed in touch with her. So I was visiting her when I was home over the summer.
And I had saw him for the first time since I left when we were 19. And it was like time had passed and a week later he was here visiting and yeah okay all right anyways continue yeah so he um we spend the whole day his last day in silence and oh earlier in the morning when we woke up and I said you know is this how we're going to spend our last day he says how else would you rather spend it and I explained you know I feel like we're you know at least on my end like we don't feel like our normal selves i feel like this is i don't want to end our trip this way um and he said that he didn't really feel like there was anything that we needed to talk about i'm assuming that he just was really hoping to have sex before he left right like that's right and i and of course and i had that's i had every intention of you know like sucking it up i want to like yeah i get it like you know i had every intention of doing that but i and another thing that we had talked about previous while he was here is like he wasn't really creating an environment where that was something i wanted to be doing anyways like you're kind of being cold withdrawn like medicine aside you're not really like making me want to have sex with you anyway you uh before we started recording you you had told justin and i that your uh your boyfriend knows you're calling in and is supportive of you doing this and that you made it seem like you both have listened to this program before.
Is that accurate? Yeah. What do you think he thinks is going to be said on this call? And what do you think he thinks I'm going to say? So he said, it's so funny.
He said that he doesn't really feel like we've listened. I mean, I listen to you every week and he doesn't feel like he's ever heard you give bad advice.
So he's like, you know, maybe I'm having blind spots because I'm in it that he can kind of, you know, shed light on or, you know, maybe he says that he kind of feels like you just help people naturally get to where they're kind of already going.

So he,

he is open to being wrong.

I think so.

Yes. I haven't felt that way in the past.

I've told him,

I'm like,

I feel like you think you're perfect.

And that like,

it's all,

you know,

cause he multiple times has said,

like,

you're letting your head get away from you.

Like,

this is just your anxiety.

And it feels to me like he's using it as a cop out.

Yeah.

So,

but I mean,

it seems like he's definitely,

he's excited to hear what you have to say for sure. Although was unwilling to get on the call too but you asked him yeah oh yeah yeah why was he so unwilling he's like is he like available like he's not like underwater right now no he's not underwater he is home we were actually facetiming before we got on the call and i said well what if he asked me to call you and he's like oh i know you're doing it i just won't answer it's a shame he really should get on what's he so afraid of text oh you can't text him you're on airplane mode can you nick says what are you so afraid of i will text him no and it's so funny that you say that because i told him i was like he's gonna want to know why you're not getting on the call if you're so supportive um i mean listen yeah after you text him um i'm glad he's only 26 if you would have said oh he's 35 oh i'm like jesus um so i'm cutting him a little slack because he's younger right i'm trying to put myself in i i you know my very first relationship that's my real relationship you As a really young man, I'm trying to put myself in, you know, my very first relationship, my real relationship, you know, like as a really young man, I mean, I was, I don't know, 20, I was in my early teens, in my early 20s, you know.
But there were times, you know, like you said, he wants to have sex every day and I'm comfortable with two to three days a week. And I understand that was maybe before you started taking your antidepressant medication and changing your mood swings.
But I'm here to say two to three times a week for any relationship, it's like, job well done. That's really great.
That's what I thought too. Yeah.
And listen, as a 26-year-old healthy young man, his desires of every day, no judgment, totally get it. He's not alone there either.
And, you know, it seems like he's physically very attracted to you.

So yay for,

for,

for that.

But yeah,

like every,

every day,

uh,

granted yours is a,

you know,

I'm sure he might say,

well,

I don't get to see her that much.

And we get to,

you know,

three months out of the year and blah,

blah,

blah,

blah,

blah.

But like,

you know,

on,

on,

on some levels,

I understand his plight, but like, this is the relationship you both chose to be in it has these restrictions compromises do need to be made sure on some level but like hey you need to give it up four five six seven days a week you know to make up for lost that's just not a realistic solution to like an unavoidable problem and that unavoidable problem is that you guys get to see each other three to four months out of the year and in pockets not even like spread out it sounds like so that sucks and like having sex three times in one day and and 10 times in a week it's it isn't gonna help you in may when you're not in this, you know what I'm saying? Right. So like, I guess all I'm saying is I can understand.
I remember in my first relationship where I felt like there was a disconnect between us in terms of the expectation of how physical we were. Right.
And, you know, I think she had less of a drive than I had or whatever, you know, where I have a problem with your boyfriend's response is him acknowledging like you want an emotional connection and I want a physical one. Now, in any relationship, hopefully there are both.
We know the limitations of your relationship in general. your long distance creates a challenge for your physical relationship because well you can't actually physically touch and be intimate that way an emotional connection while somewhat limited you know that's why like that's why a lot of people can start long distance relationships because early on you know nothing about each other like when nally and i met you know she was living in savannah georgia it almost like helps you build that emotional connection faster when everyone's excited about the physical aspect especially if you're both attracted to each other the distance creates that space that forced space and it's like well all i have left is to talk and communicate text.
And maybe you're sending pictures and maybe you're kind of making things steamy that way or whatever. But that allows people to really get to know each other because they're forced to talk, because that's how they have.
And so you are able to, in a lot of ways, advance an emotional connection long distance, even when you don't have a physical one. To that end, I'm sure he feels like we already have the emotional connection down because that's the only thing we get to do when I'm not home with you.
He probably wants to make up for the lost time, but for him to say that to you implies that he's not that interested in emotional connection and that the desire for an emotional connection is just one-sided. And he needs to understand, and this is where I cut him some slack, that he quite frankly, as someone who grew up with a lot of sisters and someone who grew up with a great relationship with their mom, my entire adult life, even from when I was 18 and earlier, I always felt like I was a man who paid attention to the considerations of women, who was a gentleman, who understood women's plights, but he has a lot to learn.
And I had a lot to learn, even though I felt like I probably knew more than my peers or men my age. I don't know if he's comparing himself, but he just needs to understand.
Like that statement alone suggests he has a lot to learn. Right.
No. And I completely agree with everything that you said.
I feel like for me, like it's beyond the sex of it because I feel like I can get that, you know, taken care of. Like, obviously we're still going to have different drives and that's, you know, like I want to have sex more than I'm wanting to have sex right now.
So that's something that I know that we can find a solution to. It's more so for me now how he's handled the situation.
Yeah, he's turned you off. He's giving you the ick.
Exactly. And he's said things to me since then, because we've kind of talked in circles about it since he left, that I'm just kind of stunned.
It doesn't really feel like the person that I thought I was in a relationship with. You felt that way or he felt that way? I felt, I feel currently and at the time that I don't feel like I'm with person that he portrayed to me that he was in the beginning where we at one point we were on FaceTime talking about the whole situation.
And I told him, I was like, I just feel like you don't care. And it was a bit of a heightened conversation.
And he was like, I don't care. Like, I don't care to talk about this.
I don't care, you know, to continue having this conversation. And I said, well, then what's the point? Like, why am I, I might as well be talking to the lawyer right now.
So you're describing someone who is getting triggered and gets upset and elevates their emotions when this, when this topic comes up do you think that is? I mean, I get he's disappointed about not having sex, but why is he taking it personally? Does he believe? Do you think he believes you? And that's the hard thing. He has said that he has a hard time being empathetic and he's never had mental health struggles.
So he doesn't know what it's like for, you know, for the medication to affect you in these ways. And he has a hard time, you know, empathizing with...
Has he been drunk before? Does your boyfriend drink whiskey? Yes. Yes.
He does? Has he ever experienced whiskey dick? No. And that's another thing I tried to create in an environment like, okay, well, what about when we're older and maybe you have a hard time getting it up? Or what if I'm postpartum and I can't have sex for a while?

Is this how you're going to treat me in those situations? Yeah. What does he say?

He was very flippant like that. I'm not going to not be able to, just arrogant about that.
And then

said that he would understand because it's postpartum. And I'm like, so if you can understand

that, why can't you understand this? Or at least try to give me grace and time to...

to, you know.

No, he's, your boyfriend's actions and the thing he's saying

and the way you're describing it

is,

Thank you. him and i'm like so if you can understand that why can't you understand this or at least try to give me grace and time to you know no he's your boyfriend's actions and the thing he's saying the way you're describing it suggests that he doesn't believe that it's the medication that's causing your lack of sex drive you know whether your boyfriend's experienced whiskey dick or not but like it's it doesn't take a rocket science scientist and i don't think any adult human who has the ability to empathize in general would have a hard time understanding that medication can affect has that medication has

side effects that's that's what we're talking about we're talking about a side effects of a

medication you're taking now i hope he recognizes that side effects are a thing of medication so

like that's just like a common sense thing that he needs to get on board with i would think but

I'm going he understands that premise. So the second question is, does he think you need to be on medication to deal with your depression? That seems a little more least believable because people do have a hard time empathizing with depression if they don't have to deal with depression because everyone deals with being sad and people who don't deal with depression i'm guessing equate sadness to depression and then but who have never felt depressed and then they're like well if i'm sad i just do this and then i get myself over it and i kind of move on and i just you know.
Right. And he is, it sounds like my guess, my guess is he's having a hard time empathizing with your depression, you know? Right.
And I definitely could agree with that. And I feel like he feels rejected too, which obviously I totally understand, but I feel like I've been so communicative and like, it has nothing to do with my feelings for you and my attraction to you.
Like I have being affectionate in other ways and you know just in the meantime it had been very verbal like hey this is something that I do feel is short term and it's more so for me now like he I ended up sending him a screenshot of I had this album in my phone of like cute things that he had said to me because I was you know I like I had so many pinch me moments in the beginning of our. Like, how is this real life? And he sent me this one text about how, you know, I haven't had the easiest life.
Obviously I was living with people that weren't my parents when I was 14 years old, you know? So he said, you know, I don't want you to ever have to be alone in anything, or I want to be the person that you can come to and be vulnerable with. And we can figure it out together.
Like, you'll never be alone again. And I sent him that screenshot and I was like, this is what I mean.
Like what happened to this? This doesn't feel like the same person. And he literally said to me, it was easy to say those things when it was okay to touch you.
I mean, you know, I am surprised he, uh, he's heard this podcast and, and, uh, truly that some of the things he said to me, I've just been like, I mean, I'm just blown away.

Like I, you know, I, yeah.

And he just keeps making it like it's my mental health.

You know, physical touch is clearly his love language.

Right.

Good for him.

And he has a desire.

He hasn't, you know, listen, clearly his needs aren't being met.

But I hope holding hands and cuddling is, is at least does something for him. If physical him if physical touch isn't just blowjobs thank you as nice as they may be but my opinion and this is just my opinion as a man who's only dated women yes everyone wants to sex right everyone wants to feel desired by their partner and it's no one's job to put out in a relationship but like listen if a relationship that both people have an expectation of physical intimacy if that's not being met like yeah there's a disconnect and and things need to be addressed and handled but because we're talking about the act of sex and we're talking, you know, and with that comes the act of consent and things like that, both parties need to consent.
It's like, it gets a little weird when you start demanding your partner like perform if they don't feel up for it physically. Right.
That's just my opinion. I hope, you know, I don't know.
I feel like it's, I think it's's opinion shared by many an emotional connection is like is necessary for any real relationship you can fuck anyone you know hookup culture is proving that like people are out there just right having sex it's like easy to have sex with a stranger it is impossible to emotionally connect with one you know and anyone in a in a relationship where two people claim they want to build on something and like you truly need an emotional connection. And every man out there needs to understand that is probably more important to their women partners than it is to them, but it doesn't make it any less important for the relationship.
And to your point, whether it's depression in the short term, whether it's postpartum, whether it's just like you both getting old and your body's changing and shit happened and life happening. And I promise, you know, you're, you know, he will rule the day 15, you know, if God forbid you guys work through this problem and you're still together 20 years later, and maybe you're just like, you're wanting get some action.
And he's just like, I don't know. I'm a little tired.
My dick's a little lazy and I'm not up for it. He'll remember this conversation.
Women, I feel like maintain their sex drive much longer than men. But like, not that, you know, it's just, it'll be different.
It won't be every day. He will not.
Right. He just, he's like, I's gonna like i'm just tired you know but like it's just my big problem all that jokes aside it's just like if your boyfriend truly believes that it is fair to withhold physical uh emotional intimacy and emotional connection until he gets a physical one then your relationship's doomed.
And he is incapable of being in a serious relationship, especially a long distance one, you know? And for him to essentially hijack an emotional connection and hold that hostage because he's not getting what he needs, you know, I just forget about who's right or who's wrong there's no way this relationship is going to flourish and like men i think we're just talking in circles yeah you're just talking in circles and like you know listen it's a again part of it is his disconnect of like there's something even if he says he believes you his actions say otherwise because it shouldn't be like i get it he must think you're hot and beautiful and you know he's doing his diving thing and boy like you know i don't know and maybe it sounds he kind of i'm guessing his career as profession is very like he's he's he's working with a lot of rigid rough men i'm guessing yes and i'm guessing they're all coming back with their stories about having all this sex with their wives or girlfriends or women or prostitutes. Who got, who knows? Right.
And he's, he comes back to me like, I had sex twice in three months. And my girlfriend like hates having sex with me.
So like, I can get where he's coming from. I can, but it definitely doesn't make him right.
He can have a reason to feel upset, but it doesn't make him right in the context of this relationship. And maybe he's not caring about what his friends are thinking or saying, but there's a lot going into why he's acting the way he is.
Exactly. I can totally understand why he would be feeling that that way for me.
And I, and kind of like you said, I told him, well, if that's, if sex is like the most important thing to you, and that is what you're after, you can get that anywhere. Like you don't need to be entertaining a long-term relationship where there's going to be the ebbs and the flows to it.
You can just, you know, you can get that anywhere. And, you know, he says that he's after a long-term relationship and he wants to have a family he wants to have you know a wife and kids um i just don't feel like maybe not at 26 you know i mean to be clear his current job and i don't know how long he plans on doing this and him quite honestly being 26 isn't conducive to develop and grow a long distance relationship on the flip side i could argue that maybe he would disagree you know i would love to have him here you could tell me um but i also wouldn't shock me if a lot of the guys he works with are in committed relationships because the lifestyle in general is challenging and it makes it difficult to like date around you know things like that i mean you know his job probably makes it hard for him to be a fuck boy, even if he wanted to.

And so he probably enjoys the companionship that you offer when he's out there diving. It's just that he is, you know, expecting, I don't know if there's another word for it, to get laid when he's home.
But I would argue, or guess at least, that his desire to be in a relationship is a little selfish because one, I mean, we already know he's, he's, he's like, well, if you're not going to give me this, I'm not going to give you that he's negotiating with you. Right.
That is not the actions of someone who is just like fully committed to being in this relationship and just like i love you i choose you i hope you choose me and let's promise that we'll always figure it out we'll always you know when we feel disconnected we'll try to connect obviously you two are disconnected you're trying right you're at least what you're telling me your version of the story is that you're trying to find ways to connect with him. And your version of the story is he is just like, no.
And I will say to you, because he is obviously very supportive of me being here. I went over what I was going to talk about.
And everything that I'm saying to you, he completely agreed with. He was like, yep.
Up until recently, though, he wouldn he didn't, he wouldn't really acknowledge that he was treating me different. And he just said that, you know, he wasn't getting what he needed.
So it was harder for him to connect with me. But then on Thursday, I, I, uh, last week I told him that, you know, I'm kind of feel like I'm at the end of my rope.
Like, I feel like I'm giving everything that I can and I'm not really getting anything back. And we're just talking in circles.
We're not getting anywhere. And that's when he kind of, he says it was a coincidence to me.
It feels like he was like, oh shit. Okay.
Let me, you know, but then he was like, all right, let me, you know, I have been treating you differently out of spite because I was feeling rejected. Let me be different.
Let me, you know, show up for you. And so for the past five or six days, he's been, you know, like more attentive.
I feel i feel like for me i'm i'm now scared though because it's like okay who who really are you is this is how you have been the past you know two months who you are and that's how you handle conflict and that's how you will continue to handle conflict is this just you putting on a show because you want the companionship while you're out there you want to have someone to text and you know to like you have somebody to come home to. So he feels like now I have walls up, which I do.
I'm scared now that I don't know which part of him I'm going to get if we're going through a hard time. Well, that's interesting that you say that because I think power dynamics shift greatly in relationships all the time.
And I think subtle ones, right? Sometimes I think if people are honest with themselves, even in healthy relationships, usually, hopefully the healthiest of relationships, you both feel like you're on equal footing. No one's abandonment issues are being triggered.
And you wake up feeling like you're choosing your partner as much as they're choosing you. And there's not a lot of thoughts on that, but even generally healthy relationships don't operate that way.
You know, there are moments where, you know, my abandonment issues might be triggered for some reason. I don't know.
And maybe I'm feeling just generally a little insecure and that general insecurity might like reveal itself as, you know, a certain way around Natalie, you know, or I, or I might i might just like you know we're pretty good at communicating at this point where i might just need a little more affection from her i don't i don't know you know and certainly vice versa right and so there's a power dynamic shift often in relationships and whoever is feeling more insecure or is being triggered by whatever abandonment issue they have that other person whether they know it or not or not, has more power, right? Your boyfriend wasn't feeling, for whatever reason, your boyfriend, it's the way you're describing it, towards the end of his stint at home, wasn't feeling insecure. He was just mad.
He was angry. He was frustrated.
He didn't know why his girlfriend didn't want to have sex with him. And he dealt with his feelings through anger, you know? And I'm guessing that some of the things he said, like, well, you know, I knew that before I could touch you and blah, blah, blah.
That all sounds like he's angry, right? You know, but now the way you're describing it, now he's gone, right? Now having the sex with you is less, I mean, he can't even have sex with you. He's not there.
So immediately less of a priority for him, right? Even subconscious Right. You know, I'm sure he still wants to have sex with you whenever he comes back, but like now it's off the table.
It's a concern he really doesn't have to bother with until August, right? And now you're still upset about how he treated you at the tail end of that relationship. And you're questioning things.
You're like, I don't know, this is is crazy i don't know this and now he's hearing you question things and now that his like desire or need to have sex with you is off the table it's less of a priority that anger is going away and it's being replaced with a little more clarity about him being a dick yes and now you're questioning things and now he's just like holy shit i don't last thing look again i don't i don't think he's appreciated what you've brought to him in this relationship while you're not together and i'm willing to guess and i know very little about this relationship but i'm willing to guess he doesn't appreciate it but you do you offer that companionship that person to reach out to every day to talk through things i bet where he works it can be pretty does he just generally work with a bunch of like rough men constantly 24 7 yeah is he like off into the seas on a rig or whatever doing crazy shit and so he like often doesn't have phone service and he's just with like five or six dudes having a girlfriend on the outside i bet is awesome awesome for people. It's like, it gives you something to think about.
And I appreciate you saying that. It definitely gives me more because that's something else that I've brought to him.
I was like, I feel like the only thing you value in this relationship is sex. And even with him being gone, yes, obviously it's off the table, but he still expects like a certain light.
You know, he wants the pictures. He wants that.
And I get it. Like he's craving that, that part of the relationship and which i was definitely open to and more receptive to you know before he came out here and when we were in a better place and now it's obviously just not that kind of right and so he you know i told him i was like i feel like the only thing that you kind of want out of this relationship appreciate out of the relationship is sex and i feel like i bring so much more and he's been like, well, like what? And I obviously have my point of view.
Are you saying this now or he said that then? Since he's been gone within the last few weeks. That's crazy behavior.
Thank you. And some of the things he says, I told him just like how you just said too, I'm choosing to be with you just as much as you're choosing to be with me.
And it doesn't really feel like you appreciate that because of the things that you're saying and how cold you're being. It feels like you think that you can do anything and I'll still be here.
And that's not the case. That's a crazy thing to say to someone, even out of anger.
But if he really believes that, why is he dating you? Exactly. And I told him, I was like, you're attractive.
You can get sex anywhere. It doesn't have to be where there's all...
It doesn't have to be this difficult for you if that's all that you're after. But then he goes back to saying he wants that emotional connection to that relationship.
I don't doubt that. I believe that.
But why... I very much believe that.
I think he doesn't appreciate how much... Yeah, he doesn't appreciate it.
And I don't think he really believes it. And I don't know.
If nothing else else his willingness to say some of these things to you at best are just cruel because he's upset and he's trying to hurt your feelings and that's just mean or worse he actually believes it and this is like then he sounds like a guy who just objectifies objectifies women so it's like neither are good and that's what i told him i was like you know neither are good but i mean this is just you know neither are good to And that's what I told him. I was like, you know, the best case scenario is this is just...
You know, neither are good, to be clear, for sure. The best case scenario, sorry, is that, you know, this is just you acting out of character because you're upset.
And even that's not good. Or this is like who you actually are.
And then of course, like, that's not the person that I want to be with. And so now I'm just, we're kind of at a, as he would say, a stalemate.
Like, I don't, we're just kind of like, you know, now he's trying and I'm scared. And when you say he's trying, has he apologized for some of these mean things he said? I mean, you reviewed them with him.
You're like literally before this call, you're like, Hey, I'm going to talk about X, Y, and Z. Just to review you, I'm just going to bring up some of the things he said to me.
And he's like, yeah, that all seems accurate. He's not like alarmed, but he's like, wow, I's like wow i really was a dick i mean listen in the heat of the moment we all can be dicks you know sometimes we say things to the people we love the most and we don't even realize how cruel it comes across and sometimes we have to cool down time has to pass and then we have to say i'm sorry i was an asshole that's normal but like exactly and i've definitely had those moments too in these conversations where I have gotten heated and I say something and then I go back and I'm like, hey, I'm sorry that I got to that point.
That was disrespectful. That's not my intention.
But even in talking about it earlier today when we've been in an okay place and he's putting in effort now, he was like, yeah, that all sounds... That's what happened.
And I said, like, I'm worried, baby, this is making you kind of look not the best. And he was like yeah that all sounds you know that's that's what happened and i said like i'm worried baby this is making you kind of look not the best and he was like yeah i mean it's you know i said those things like he never has once been like well i'm glad he's owned up to it but i'm just more like it doesn't sound great yeah and it's leaving me not knowing like what to do or if because a little more context i have a four-year-old son and i spent a long time trying to make that relationship work with his dad when I just wasn't, it wasn't a relationship I should have been in.
And so I feel like I'm a little bit now, now that I've seen like, okay, this isn't really, you know, some signs of someone that I want to be with. I feel like I'm more ready to just be like, all right.
You know? Yeah. I mean, he's your, your, your, your, your boyfriend is not giving you anything to work with almost nothing thank you as a young man as a 26 year old man i would just say to him if he was it's just like i don't want him to be nice to you just to get laid but hell man if all he was was just like held your hand and showed a little affection and maybe got you flowers or just like acted or even if he pretended and I don't want him to have to pretend, he probably would have got a little action.
But again, he needs to understand that we all, as human beings, we always need to feel taken care of emotionally. We need to feel loved.
We need to feel like our partner isn't going to abandon us. We need to feel like we can be our most vulnerable selves with our partners.

You know, that's the joy of being in a real relationship that like when you come home,

your most comfortable, your sanctuary, you don't have to put on an act.

You can be yourself.

Now, that doesn't mean be an asshole.

Doesn't mean be gross and disgusting and shit with the toilet open. But like, you know what I'm saying?

Like you can generally be yourself. You can show some of your cracks and weaknesses and insecurities with your partner and not worry about, and know that they love you, you know? Right.
And that's like necessary. And that's where I feel like it's necessary.
That's like, what do you have if you don't have that? And I told him with this, like, you know, and I don't feel like, yes. Okay.
The initial thing that started that all of this is stemming from is that I'm taking medication that is, you know, causing you to have, you know, sexual dysfunction. Yes, that is the problem.
But now like there's so much outside of it where I told him, I don't, I feel like if I don't show up as my best or in the way that you want me to, you expect me to, it's not enough for you. Yeah.
So then I feel like I have to put on like this. I can just be and that's not it's just it's so crazy to me how far different we are now from where we were and what like it's just i mean you need to let go of the honeymoon phase that you were in and and how magical it was when you guys got back together because you know everyone is their best self and everyone like you you guys were having sex more you.
And you were more intimate. And you weren't going with what you're going through now.
But things have changed. As in every relationship, things change.
And right now, your boyfriend is demonstrating behaviors that tell you that when things change that don't go his way, he will not compromise or be there for you you he will just be angry and upset and expect you to fix the problem and get back to where things were so he can continue to be happy again that that is the actions that he's demonstrating which is you said that perfectly yes so he's not giving you much to work with now like again like i would want for him to now now be like, I really shouldn't have talked to you that way. I'm really sorry.
I'm just very frustrated. Sometimes I get insecure about you're attracted to me.
Obviously, I'm not going to see you for the next eight months. I didn't handle myself the best way.
You should be getting that right now. If you're not getting that, that's concerning.

That's like,

and you can't teach,

you know,

I'm cutting up some slack because he's only 26,

but he's not 18

and he should know better.

And I'm going to cut him

a little bit more slack

because, you know,

he's certainly like

his surroundings are not,

I'm guessing,

I'm guessing a lot of his,

his workplace conditions

aren't promoting culture

of like pro women

or just like, I don't know. It doesn't have to be pro women just more like you know just like not a you know locker room talk aside like hanging out with your boys but like i i don't he's just maybe not getting the best role models when it comes to like a healthy relationship or a healthy relationship with women in general or just an empathetic man towards the plight of things that women might go through, fine, that's his choice he's making.
And I don't care if you're on an island with a bunch of rough men, he has the internet and no one has the excuse to isolate themselves and become ignorant if they want to learn and educate themselves. So at best, your boyfriend is talking as if he's a bit ignorant about how women are in relationships or what their needs are.
And if you're expecting someone to just be a concubine and have sex with you, then that's not what you want. And if that's what he wants, then God bless him.
I'm sure he can find it,

like you said. Yeah.
So I'm left with, I don't... I want to give him...
I don't feel like I've given it everything. I feel like this is the first...
We've only been together about eight months. This is our first hurdle that I would like to see us get over.
And this is the hard times in a relationship is when you get to show how you can show up for your partner. Yeah, but he's not showing.
Yeah, but I would just caution you right now. Yes, you have to get through hard times.
You know, people can get through devastating times. They can.
You know, people have gotten through betrayals and things like that. But like, let's say if someone's betrayed someone, a trust of violation happened in a relationship.
People have gotten through that because there's contrition, there's regret, there's, you know, there's the realization that they fucked up. There's the desire to make changes.
You know, a lot of people fall short of all those promises and changes and things like that, but at least there's that, you know, and that's a starting point of fixing the problem is an acknowledgement that there was a problem. And again, your boyfriend is just kind of acknowledging that you have a problem and that your problem is both of your problems, but he doesn't really see the problem with how he is handling this whole situation.
And that's the biggest problem. Right.
Yeah, I completely agree. And so I guess I would just caution you.
It's like you like you don't get any medals or you know like just because it's your first big fight doesn't mean you have like i mean you can break up or stay together as long as you want right but like there's no there's no playbook out there that says you get four fights for free it's silly to ever break up before four fights because like everyone has at least 100 fights right that's silly what are those fights about you know what are you talking about you have to figure out is this a fight over a non-negotiable or is this a fight over like our pet peeves i would argue that's a fight over a non-negotiable you're not you know he might think well my non-negotiable is like i want to have a partner who wants to have sex with me fair enough i guess on its face that's makes that makes some sense. Your negotiable is like, I want a partner who shows up for me when I'm not my best self, when I'm struggling with mental health problems, or when I just, I want my partner to believe me when I tell him my body's going through something.
And as a man, he needs to understand if he wants to be in a relationship with a woman, that his body is not the same as your your body and that your body might experience a lot different types of emotions and feelings that his body may never feel and the feelings that his body feels like hey the feeling of wanting having sex every day if nothing else shows the difference in your two bodies and he's you know to expect your two bodies to want the same thing every day is is immature and a ignorant, but he already knows his body wants something different, right? And he's not going to get very far in any relationship if he can't show up and be empathetic to his partners without having to have to gone through what they've gone through to be empathetic. He has to know at a minimum that sometimes, even maybe once a month, that some shit might happen where he needs to like maybe be more empathetic maybe be less demanding maybe show up for his partner maybe have a little grace because again the things that you might be feeling in a five-day period or over the course of one month might be something that he's never gone through cramping back pains i don't know fucking bloating like i don't know like i don't have to deal with that every time and it doesn't sound fun i don't have to bring out a heating pad like nally does every month because like she's in excruciating pain because of cramps you know but i believe her right and i can understand what it's like to have back pains and i can just like ask myself how should how can i best show up for my partner here i i enjoy being there for my partner i like i'm active service guy.
That's my love language. Doesn't sound like it's your boyfriend's.
But who knows? Maybe I got him wrong. But you got to figure out if you guys really are, you have this love story of being high school sweethearts and dating for as long as you did.
And you have this love story of reconnecting. And that is fun.
And that is nice. And that will get a relationship a pretty long way.
There's a lot of people out there who are together because they like the story of how they met and there's not much else there you know but as i've said in this amazing book called don't text your ex happy birthday uh just kidding uh it's pretty good i have it i haven't read it yet but i do have it well there's a okay well there's a part in that book there's a whole chapter there's a lot of things that won't want to apply to you, but there's a part of the book that says your relationship won't care how you met. It doesn't.
Your relationship doesn't care. And you're feeling that right now because your relationship is struggling.
And despite you caring how you met, your relationship doesn't because it doesn't make, how you met doesn't fix the problem you're feeling now. Right? Because a relationship needs two people to show up every day.
Right? And your boyfriend is not showing up in ways that you need to show up. And I guess in his version, you're not showing up in ways he needs to get to show up, but he needs to understand that his expectations are a little unfair and yours are a bare minimum.
I feel really validated right now. You said that perfectly.
I'm taking it all in. It's a lot.
And I do feel like that is with how we met, right. And his mom, I call her mom, you know, we stayed in touch six years.
My son calls her Nana. So for me, that is something that I would definitely grieve if, you know, we were to go our separate ways is that would be right.
Like amazing, but that's definitely not what's holding our relationship together. That's not what we're going to fall back on every day.
And I can acknowledge that it is something that I've kind of thought about. I would have to, if all he did, I had to separate myself from that.
Start every day with like, I'm so lucky that I have you in my life and I love you. And I was thinking about like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I love this. And I love that.
The amount of nudes you would send him would probably just be ridiculous. And you didn't even have to be in the mood to send a nude.
Fuck. It's so easy.
But I wouldn't want to send a nude to a guy being a dick to me. I wouldn't want to send a nude to a guy barking orders.
Thank you. And that's what I told him.
I was like, listen, if you were giving me... Yeah.
If you were giving me any kind of environment where I was like... Anything.
If you were giving me anything at all, it would be so much easier for me to lean into that side. But even like, I've been down dosing my medication and like within the next month or so, like I should be, you know, like that shouldn't be playing a role anymore, um, you know, with the, the sex, sexual dysfunction.
And I still am not like, I'm just like, it's, I don't enjoy, you know, getting on the phone and having like, we're trying to find the quality time. It just always feels so heavy because this is consuming every part of our relationship when we're long distance right now.
That shouldn't even be a huge part of it right now. It's stuck in his head.
I don't know. There's something going on where he just feels so validated to feel the way he does.
I don't know where it's coming from, but that's the best excuse i can come up with because i would hope that he he will eventually think these comments and the way he is acting is out of character for him but you have way too many examples of things he said and currently like the fact that he he's he's not like mortified that he said these things uh he comes across by the things he said and how he's acting as someone who like objectifies women very kind of misogynistic and and really thinks that your primary and really only role in this relationship is to like service him when he's horny and like you know that's how he's acting that's what he's saying i don't you know i definitely agree with that if he was here i would hope he would be like i don't i don't believe that but like it was like give me something that shows that you don't believe that the only thing that shows that he doesn't believe that is like again i really believe that he he doesn't appreciate what he gets from you emotionally and just you being there and just him having someone while he's out doing this crazy job that he's doing.

But it's a disconnect for him.

It's got to be.

He takes it for granted for sure. And that's definitely something that I will bring up to him too.

He's eager.

I tried getting him on the call, but he's eager to hear what you had to say.

So I'm definitely going to let him know that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Give him some insight.

I would wait for him to listen.

Yeah.

I don't think you're going to be, I don't think you're, not that you can't.

I wouldn't be able to rearticulate what I heard from someone about a very passionate

issue that I give a lot of shits about in a way that would like, you're better off. You can give them the cliff notes.
Again, you do whatever you want your relationship. And honestly, I don't know when this episode is going to come out.
It might be a couple of weeks. He wanted me to ask.
He was like, well, how long am I going to have to wait? Maybe a month or less. I would use this to your advantage.
I mean, listen, I shouldn't really make or break. If know, if, if he were here and I, and I was like, dude, why, like, do you really like, why do you think this way? Do you feel this way? Like, are you sorry for what, and I have those are questions that I ask him.
You need to stop acting like this is something you can solve his problem. As I see it, you're doing a hundred percent of your half and you're trying to do some of his half.
You showing up and getting advice, you know, you're trying to fix this problem because you want to be connected with your boyfriend it's in some ways self-serving you don't want to deal with this but like you described a guy who is familiar that you know there's a lot of guys who wouldn't come on here but he's familiar with the show seems to be a fan of the show seems to respect my opinion you know like and i always try to be pretty fair especially, you know, couples on here. I don't want to make anyone feel, but he still chose not to show up.
So what I'm saying is like, you got to get away from, this is not like a compromise. I think it's okay for you to feel like you're a hundred percent right.
And I think it's okay for you to be like, I'm, you know, cause you're in this mindset of fix, you're in this fix it mindset. You're in this caretaker mindset and he is failing you.
He's failing the relationship and you're telling yourself that you can deal with this and that maybe there's a problem, there's a disconnect and maybe there's something you're doing. Maybe you're something you're not seeing and yada, yada, yada.
And you know what I'm saying? Does that all resonate with you? It does. As opposed to you being like, this is fucked up.
I'm sorry. You would have the grounds to break up with immediately the moment he said, like what? After you asked him, there's more to me than just putting out and having sex.
And the moment he said, like what? You could have broken up with him. And everyone listening would have been like, took you long enough.
Right. And I'm not not saying you should break up with them but i'm just saying you should know that you have the support of like mankind in this entire audience that you're not crazy and that like you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who thinks that way let alone says it and we don't even know if he just said it or if he thinks it right you know that's very validating to hear.
Sorry. I'm getting a little emotional.
It's just,

I feel like it's been like made out to be in my head so much,

you know?

So it's really validating to hear that.

Like,

I feel like I've,

like I've told him,

I feel like I've done everything I can.

Like,

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope.

Like,

I don't know what else there is for me to do.

And you're right.

It's not really like,

it's my problem.

It's for his to decide if he wants to show up and be different.

And if he doesn't, and he even said last week when we were talking, he was like you're right i've been doing this out of spite he said let's not talk about it let me be different and if i'm not like you have your answer okay but now i'm having a hard time kind of being like vulnerable and letting him because it's like so much has it's been so much that's happened i he sounds, he comes across as a guy who's aware of the power position he's in. And, and that could change quickly.
I mean, it wouldn't shock me if you ended the relationship, I, you know, it wouldn't blow my mind. He comes crawling back and begs for you to, you know, reconsider and apologize and recommends couples therapy and says, I'll get into the therapy.
You know, you know, I've seen it all, you know, and maybe he needs a wake up call. I don't know.
Yeah. But that's the thing, Nick.
I feel like he's so prideful that if I were in his head and I told him this, I said, I just really want you to understand that if I do choose to walk away, it's not me not being able to handle the distance. It's not me, my mental health.
It's not that. It's that you're not showing up.
You're not giving me what I need. What do you say?

I feel like he's so prideful that he wouldn't

let himself.

Maybe so, but if that's the case,

that is a characteristic that he has

that you're

in a relationship with.

This is acting like another level.

There's being stubborn and prideful

in the moment when you're trying to win an argument

or whatever, or maybe that carries over for an entire day or two. And then there's like, this is a man being stubborn about a topic that you guys have been dealing with for a long period of time now, and he's shown no signs of backing down.
And his stubbornness has overcome any desire to empathize with you, to take care of you, to emotionally support you, to validate you, none of that. And that is, you have to acknowledge that as a characteristic of his.
He is demonstrating his pridefulness more than he is demonstrating his ability to take care of you. And I think you need to let go of the romanticization of this relationship.
You're only 26. It sounds like as a young 26-year-old woman, you've been through a lot and you've had a lot of life.
Same like Natalie. Like our upbringings were very different.
But you still are young. And I wouldn't waste a lot of time on men who do this.
And I understand the romanticization of how you met and yada yada and you call his mom mom and and it sounds like maybe you didn't have your you know and that's and that's extra hard on you because it sounds like you had some conflict with your own family who's in the background is it him like who's who's family um these are my friends okay there and i'm close with my parents now they were both they're just uh they're drug addicts and they're sober now okay um it's positive but i yeah yeah so it's we have relationships now but it's not you know i've always struggled and he was there you know for for all of that when we were in high school and everything kind of fell apart there um but i've always just felt like you know had a hard time feeling like i'm enough you know and it's something i've sorted through in therapy as well, but it's definitely in the forefront now. If I were, I mean, honestly, what I really think is going on and I don't, whether he realizes or not that like, I think your boyfriend really thinks he's in control of this relationship.
You know, he's certainly not insecure about losing you. That's for sure.
And that's crazy considering like you've acknowledged that you might choose that but whatever reason he is not afraid to lose you not yet not right now and i think it sounds like you have accepted the role of of the submissive one in the relationship i guess i'm not not like in a sexual way but i just mean like he's like yeah, then you have my you know he's just unafraid of saying anything to you clearly and you're afraid to say anything to him right you're so upset you're you're so afraid of upsetting him right so afraid of rattling his cage because it's already rattled and things are already disconnected he's not afraid at all and you and this is another reason why i don't think you should on the episode or tell him what i said you need to change that dynamic you need to not give a fuck if you want to stay in a relationship with this man you need to change your attitude be like why the fuck am i letting this motherfucker treat me this way this is bullshit i don't know what he's going through i'm gonna give him i'm gonna cut him some slack because what i should do is break up with his ass i'm not gonna break up with his ass but what i'm not gonna do is i'm gonna put up with any of this bullshit so like i'm just not going to take his calls i'm not going to be there for him i'm not going to ask him about his day i'm going to be cold as fuck and if he wants to wake up and start acting the way i deserve to be treated he can start but until then i'm just going to slowly let go okay and if he doesn't stop me from letting go i'm going to leave but him stopping you from letting go is not what he says it's what he does right he does. And that's something he did bring up to me this morning, because I've been very vocal.
Like, listen, I see that you've been trying the past few days. And I feel like my walls are up.
I feel like I'm having a harder time being vulnerable and letting you in. And he's like, well, I need you to tell me if, like, are you going to just do what I've been doing? And now that I'm trying, are you just like, he was like, now are we going to swap roles? Like, what's the point of even continuing that? That's a fair question.
But like, it's not about swapping roles. Like this is like, do you think I'm only worth having sex? You need to understand if some of the things he said, he believes.
And if he's sorry, does he think that you deserve to be treated that way? Like, I understand the disconnect between like you being depressed and not having a sex drive and the pressures of you not seeing him. And I can see that he handled that in a bad way without thinking he's a bad guy.
I've been a young man before and like I didn't have an awareness that where I have today. But like he should be aware enough as a 26 year old man to recognize that he was a dick.
Right. And to apologize for that.
And to say, I'm really sorry. I could have handled it better.
I'm just, I just got a little frustrated, you know, like, and you're not getting that right now. So right now we need to figure out like what he really believes.
Right. And when he is considerate, don't push back.
If your boyfriend is kind, if he reaches out, if he's nice to you, if he gives you that emotional love, you can receive it. Just receive it.
Don't reject it. That doesn't mean he's out of the clear, because all you know, it's like two days of him being nice.
It's just a step in the right direction. But don't do it for the tit for tat, but we need to find out what he really believes at first.
Right. And that's what I told him.
I said, I definitely don't want you to feel like you said, tit for tat. It's like this is me being scared of like, I don't know if who you have been acting like is who you are or if that was a lapse in character.
And obviously, I want to give you the opportunity to show up for me how you say that you're going to now, but I'm scared. I don't know what to believe or how long this possible nice act is going to last.
So it's scary for me to people. Well, I empathize with your fears, but I will say if you want to be in this relationship, you have to be in this relationship.
And if you break up with him today, your heart's going to be broken. And if you decide not to break up with him and he decides to start being more affectionate and more consideration does some of the things that you want to do and you receive it and you start believing in him that things get better yeah i don't know nine months things could go to the shitter you know we can't predict the future and that's no no different than you break up with him you date another guy in a week and you start dating him and you believe in him.
And then he starts, you know, love is risky. You got to take risks.
So, but if you're going to be in this relationship, be your best self. Don't do the tit for tat.
He might break your heart. I don't know.
But like, you're just going to have to risk that if you want to be in this relationship. That being said, you still have to hold him accountable.
But when he does and says some of this crazy shit that suggests that maybe he is not the person he led himself to believe and you need to get a clear out do you believe it's a surreal if you do if you get off the call be like you're gonna have to wait for to listen to it he told me to say that but he also told me to ask you like do you like what what like the only being good for sex it was easy to say those things when it was okay to touch you. Yes, that, you know, do you really believe that? Like, and do you really think, do you really think.
I guess I haven't considered that he might actually believe those things. He hasn't apologized for it.
Yeah. And if he says, of course, I don't believe that.
More daunting. If he says, of course, I don't believe that, all of your actions say that are backing up what you said, and you still't apologized so even if you apologize you're at you know like nothing about what you're saying or doing i literally reviewed this stuff with you before i got on the call and you were like i mean hey i appreciate your honesty but like do you believe this stuff because if you believe this stuff you have your answer but if he believes like listen yeah we're i'm frustrated about our sex life that's, he's allowed to be frustrated.
That is totally okay for him to be frustrated about your sex life. And he can say that.
And we, and he could say, I'm frustrated about our sex life. I know we're going through some things.
I have, I clearly have not handled myself the best way. I want to fix that.
Obviously, I hope we can figure out our sex life, but like, I want us to also, you know, work on emotional connection. And do you think, I would ask him this, do you think our emotional connection is only possible if our sex life, but I want us to also work on emotional connection.
And do you think, I would ask him this, do you think our emotional connection is only possible if our sex life is where you think it needs to be? That's good. I'm going to write that down.
That's good. I will ask him that.
That also, yeah, I will ask him that. If he says yes, then you, I would say, then you can say Nick thinks we have a big problem because it's just, it's just not true.
Right. Like he has emotional needs.
You have emotional needs. He is literally in the middle of fucking nowhere.
There's the only reason why he wants a girlfriend right now is because of his emotional needs. He can look up porn.
He can go into port or wherever the fuck. He clearly wants to have a girlfriend.
He he has emotional needs so for him to deny you your emotional needs because of sex like it's but i was still asking the question before giving the answer the test and then i would point out his hypocrisy if he gives you the wrong answer no i appreciate that point of view because that's not something that i had you know when he's asked me like when we've talked about like what all i bring to the relationship and what he brings, that's not something that I've really considered. What does he think? By the way, what does he think he brings to the relationship? Nine months out of the year, he's not there.
It's his job, but he knows there's other jobs out there. Right.
And that's something that, you know, I feel like that question has definitely been more like put onto me what I bring. I will say that I know like he obviously has, you know, financial security, of course he, you know, and when things were going well, he showed up for me in so many ways.
Like he, you know, would like make me breakfast every morning. We, you know, like do dance classes together.
Like we have, I have so many pinch me moments with the things that he would say to me about how, like, is this like, I can't believe someone's finally showing up for me this way. And, you know, it's, it's felt like it was happening.
We were connecting so naturally. I guess I haven't flat out asked him what he feels like he brings to the relationship in present day.
I don't know if that's, I mean, as well. Yeah.
I think some of the other questions are more important. I do think that question will be received in a kind of a confrontational way so yes i honestly probably wouldn't even ask that question i mean if you're in a fight and he throws in your face i would be quick to ask him that question but other than that um it's not like productive i don't know yeah i don't know how productive it is so he has said to me that we've talked about being empathetic he has said to me that he has a hard time like that's not his strong suit and he's literally thought outside if that's somebody if you want somebody where that is like they're coming into it and that's their strong suit like i'm not your person like obviously he's you know said that he'll work on it um and he wants to be a little bit more empathetic but i don't tell him i you know tell him i said this uh it's it's most men's it's not most men's strengths okay i was definitely never good at it.
In fact, I would say it was a weakness of mine early in my life. In fact, it was a criticism my father would give me often.
I've gotten way better at it. And honestly, I've gotten better at it because it made my life better.
You know what? It's very powerful. If you're able to empathize with other people, you can have, not that I'm saying you do it this way, you can have power and control over them.
If you can put yourself in other people's shoes and relate to them, people feel seen, people feel heard, they feel connected to you. That's power.
You know, he should want to develop the skill of being more empathetic. It will drastically improve his life in every aspect of his life.
Empathetic to his boss, empathetic to his co-workers, like just someone who makes other people feel sane and heard that's how like honestly how con artists like get what they want because that's what they did as con people but and i don't think he should be manipulative or con people but like he is answering this question as if he's like some tough man who just like if you want a guy who like picks flowers and empathizes with you and like then find. It's like, fuck that.
That's honestly how he's answering that question. Right.
It's not about femininity or masculinity. It is a human skill that for the people who learn how to develop it, life's just easier.
It's better. You understand conflict better.
It gives you more peace of mind. You just are able to like, yeah, work with people better.
If you can anticipate what, you know, when I'm in conflict with anyone, whether it's work, whether it's emotional, my ability to say, well, if I, if like, let me put myself in their shoes, like, let me really put myself in their shoes, not, not try to win this fight, not, not, you know, but truly try to put myself in their shoes, not, and, and again, people have to, people really, really have a hard time understanding like the reason why something happens versus the justification. People are so afraid to empathize with people because they're afraid that will like justify their actions.
Right. And that's not it.
Like the, like just understand it. They are doing this because they're probably feeling this.
I don't agree. Why? I don't know why they're feeling this but that's if they're if i were feeling that way regardless of why i was feeling that way if i were feeling that way how would i oh well if i were feeling that way i would probably be pretty pissed too you know it's just it's like that's it's a mental exercise you just it's it's not hard you just have to give a shit you know it's's a math problem.
It's like chess. And men can relate to math and chess and things.
Men are more analytical. It's a puzzle.
That's all it is. Empathy is a puzzle.
You just have to give a shit. You're not asking him to be an empath.
I have no time for the people who walk around and be like, I'm an empath. And I'm just like, I understand your feeling.
How do you know who am you haven't you haven't got to know me at all it's not energy that's how people are empathetic you're empathetic because you ask questions you pay attention you try to put yourself in their shoes the more life you live the more experiences you have and the although the only shortcoming that both of you have to be empathetic is that you're both only 26 and that like, and that like,

there's things that maybe you haven't experienced or felt as a result of like

only being 26.

Now you might be able to empathize more than him because like maybe,

you know,

growing up with drug addicting parents and having to live in someone else's

house and join the military.

Like I bet you had to deal with a lot of shit and you've seen a lot of shit

and you've seen hardships in other people and that makes it easier for to

empathize.

And I don't know,

you know,

but like maybe he has dealt with shit and maybe you've seen a lot of shit, and you've seen hardships in other people, and that makes

it easier for to empathize.

And I don't know, but maybe he has dealt with shit, and maybe he just hasn't unlocked that

skill set.

But it is not some sort of feminine woo-woo kind of vibe.

It is literally just an exercise of asking yourself, what would it be like to be in their

shoes?

And if I felt that way, would I also be mad at this situation?

Thank you. of asking yourself, what would it be like to be in their shoes? And if I felt that way, would I also be mad at this situation? Again, he doesn't have to agree with that person.
He can just understand them. And sometimes when you understand someone, it just makes it a lot easier to close the gap of disconnection.
Right. I think that'll be really beneficial for him when he hears it.
I won't tell him beforehand, but when he hears it, I think that that'll be really good. That's something he definitely...
Let him hear it for me when you're listening, buddy. That one's for you.
But yeah, seriously, it's not... Me being better at empathizing with people has made my life easier.
And I didn't do it to seem like a better guy. And I didn't do it because I thought it would look good.
I just honestly would just helped me, helped my life. And I didn't have to get crystals or meet a sage in the mountains.
I just had to ask. I just had to give a shit.
And I just had to develop a skill. I feel like that'll definitely give him some perspective hearing your point of view on that.
Because I've I've asked him before, you know, how, why do you have such a hard time, you know, showing empathy or, you know, and he says that he has a hard time with it because he thinks that every decision you've made has gotten you to where you are. So why should he feel bad for you about it? Huh? That doesn't make any sense.
He says that like when, and maybe I didn't say it in the best. It sounds like something I would have said when I was 22 or maybe even 26.
I don't know. But so yeah, he's a, he's a, he's a bit of an arrogant, young, confident guy.
Who's a little too set in his ways. And he, he, he, he, honestly, the thing that humbled me was getting my heart crushed a couple of times maybe that's what will humble him yeah you need to stop trying to take care of him yes that's that's you have a you have a son to take care of you have yourself to take care of and not that you need a man to take care of you but what's the point of being in a relationship if you're not taken care of i didn't get a relationship i mean i love taking care of my family so that's kind of a lot but like, you know, you need to be taken care of you.
But what's the point of being in a relationship if you're not taken care of? I didn't get in a relationship. I mean, I love taking care of my family, so that's kind of a lot.
But you need to be taken care of too. And you're not being taken care of.
And the solution to not being taken care of isn't to take more care of the person not taking care of you. You need to shift your energy to your son and yourself, and he needs to feel that energy shift.
And that will be the thing that hopefully wakes him up. all right i have the questions written down i'm going to talk to him after this and then i'll let him hear the rest from you but i really appreciate your time and all of your insight and perspective between now when the episode comes out um don't be afraid to break up with him okay you can always get back together and like i'm rooting for the guy and like i'm flattered that he thinks i'm going to give you good advice.
But this will be the best. I literally asked him.
I said, well, what if he tells me to break up with you? And he was like, well, then I don't feel like he's leading you astray. Yeah, it's astonishing.
Again, he's kind of a dick. He's kind of a dick.
Yeah. I mean, again, and maybe he just doesn't have his lack of empathy.
But he should know that comment would hurt your feelings. And he can choose not to empathize, but no one's going to think he's...
Yeah, at 26, I guess I didn't care if people thought I was a dick either, but I don't know. He should do it for himself because his life will be a lot easier when he decides to develop that skill.
Right. Thank you so much.
I do feel better. I do.
I've been so excited for this and anxious. And I listen to you all the time.
I know everybody always says that, but yeah, you guys are great. You keep me company on my commute.
Well, I really appreciate you listening, tell all your friends and hopefully things get better. But you're only 26.
You have too much going for you on your own. You've gone through too much.
You survived too much to be dealing with shit like this this is a relationship that's pulling you back it's not bringing you forward i want you to bring the like the attitude i want like i want you to get on the phone and like honestly i wouldn't call him right away okay don't i would wait till the end of the day be busy if he's like are you ignoring me like no i'm sorry i'm just busy you're not ignoring him okay and then when you get on the phone i want the energy to be very much like i'm the man i'm in charge i don't really care about the outcome because that's the energy he's giving you right he's like oh well if nick tells you to break up with me then i guess i have that answer it's just like he's he's so fucking indifferent about what happens and like that is a power move that he is doing it it's a defense mechanism you need to turn it around i want you to channel think about that energy he's giving you but if it's real you definitely don't want him to be your boyfriend if it's some sort of act then he needs to he needs a taste of his medicine he needs you know right so i want you to be the you don't have time for him you got busy things to do like you know you can take them or leave them whatever like at the end of the day you don't have time for him. You got busy things to do.
Like, you know, you can take them or leave them, whatever. Like at the end of the day, you're done having an asshole is a boyfriend.
In fact, it would. I can do that.
I wouldn't even, maybe get to him tomorrow. I would just be busy all day.
Okay. Be busy.
Oh, no, I'm totally, no, honestly, like, I'm just busy, you know, like Nick, blah, blah, blah. Like he didn't, you know, I'm just, I'm sorry.
I'm just busy. I'm still busy, blah, blah, blah.
I'm sorry. I'm just busy.

I'm still busy.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm busy.

Let him stew.

Okay.

I can do that.

That's a good challenge.

I can do that.

He is so in control of his situation.

You need to take some of that control away from him.

Right.

I agree.

Keep him in the dark.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Good luck.

Keep me posted.

I definitely want to update.

I will.

Yeah.

Okay.

I will.

Thank you guys so much for everything that you do. All right.
Take care. All right.
You too. Bye-bye.
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My name is Sarah. I'm 26 years old and I am struggling to connect with my teenage son.
Okay. How old is your son? So he's a teenager.
He's in high school. Okay.
And actually he's not biologically my son. Okay.
Me and my husband took him and his sister in last year. So there's several layers to why it's difficult for me to connect with him.
One being obviously, he's biologically not my son. So I wasn't there to raise him or just build those connections early on.
And then two, I've never had brothers. I have two younger biological daughters.
And so I feel like it's easy for me to connect with daughters, but I'm really struggling specifically with my relationship with him for a lot of reasons. And my heart's been hurting for him lately because he's really struggling with the transition of moving into our home and making friends.
Is this like a foster parent situation? Sort of.

It's kind of a unique situation.

They're actually related to me.

Okay.

And they had no other options of where to go given their circumstance.

The next option was going to be foster care.

Okay.

And I've always wanted to get into foster care and adopt since I was younger. And it just felt like me and my husband, we talked about it and we thought that that was the right thing to do.
And we felt led to do that. And so we took them in last year and transition was pretty good.
They're great kids. We love them to death and we see them as our kids.
Even though they're not biologically ours, when I talk about him, his sister, I see them as my children and they will forever be part of our family even when they're 18 and they're on their own like those are our kids okay so i'm just struggling there's a lot to learn with just having a teenager how long have they been in the household almost a year now okay and you're asking questions mostly about your son but he has a sister yep okay and how are things with her? I would say things with her are a lot easier. I find connecting with her less difficult.
And maybe that's because I can relate to her with just some of her, I don't know, just typical teenage girl struggles. I've been there, especially cause it wasn't that long ago for me.
I think, again, specifically why I'm struggling to connect with him

is I didn't have brothers.

I don't really understand what it's like to be a teenage boy.

And there's kind of friction between us

because we have such opposite personalities as well.

And so I just feel really bad

because I know that I could be connecting with him better.

And so I'm just seeking advice specifically from you too

because you were a teenage boy. Just what is it that teenage boys look for in their mother figures and like what not to do? Sure.
Well, I appreciate you asking. I mean, I definitely don't have a ton, obviously of experience in dealing with this very specific thing, but I know you know that.
I have a few more questions. So I just want to clarify, too, from a behavioral standpoint, he's doing okay.
This is really just about you're just

not sure how to connect with this young man. I guess, could you offer any more specificity

on the behaviors you are struggling with other than feeling disconnected?

Yeah.

And then my second follow-up question to that is, is your husband experiencing a similar

disconnection with him, or is this more just your challenges?

Yeah, I can touch on that. So again, you asked how I'm doing with his sister.
And I would say why I feel like I'm doing better with her also is we're just seeing more growth from her as well. We feel like we've made connection, we've made breakthrough with her.
She's done complete 180 from when she moved in. She was hiding in a room all the time.
Now she's got girlfriends, a boyfriend. She's doing much better in school.
She's putting herself out there. She has just this growth mindset.
And I think, again, why I'm calling is we haven't made that same breakthrough with him. And I'm wondering if that's because of the lack of the connection there.
And if I'm maybe not understanding how to help them and best support and love him, but specifically behavior wise, he hasn't made any friends at school and he struggles with just some coping behaviors that we've tried to talk through, but we're not, again, not really seeing since he moved in, there hasn't been a ton of growth versus his sister. There's been a lot of growth and a lot of maturing and we're just kind of feeling stuck specifically me with how to reach him so that's kind of the behavioral thing is struggling to make friends and then also there's an inclination to substances and stuff like that too okay oh that's that's a bummer um is he more do you know if he's more introverted extroverted or i mean it sounds like maybe these kids also So maybe that too.
Okay. Oh, that's, that's a bummer.
Um, is he more, do you know if he's more introverted, extroverted, or, I mean, it sounds like maybe these kids also maybe dealt with a little bit of trauma for sure. Oh yeah.
A lot of that. And, and I think me and my husband both recognize why he might be struggling with substances and making friends.
Like it's pretty clear to us, those connections and why he's struggling in those areas. However, again, it's more of how do we reach him and how do we help him and support him? As a teenager, how is he getting access to any of these substances? So part of the equation too is they had to move from their previous town, which was more rural, much more small, and we live in the cities.
And a lot of his access is from his previous location that is where he gets access because sometimes we do visitations because he has family and older friends there and in the summer we were bringing him there and that's where he would get access somehow and then there's just a fascination with it as well just researching ways to get it illegally researching ways to get it as a minor. So he definitely has this draw to it.
And again, me and my husband see it as, you know, those ties and connections to trauma and coping and learned behavior type things. Are you guys getting any like professional help, like with family therapists or anything like that? Yeah.
So over the summer, that was actually our first kind of gateway to getting him in the door with therapy because he was extremely resistant. That's another thing that I struggled to connect with him on is he is extremely resistant to growth in general.
He's like, the past is the past. Like I'm fine.
You know, I don't have trauma. And so when he first moved in, I encouraged him and his sister to like, my family is is really big into therapy.
Like, we think everybody should go. It's great.
You can have a lot of growth, a lot of tools to navigate things in your life. But he was extremely, extremely resistant.
The sister was not. I think that's also why she's made a lot more strides and growth and maturity.
So that's been tough. And then over the summer, he got into substances, he got caught.
When he came back home, we said, hey, so one of the consequences for, you know, doing something you shouldn't is now we kind of have, you have no choice, like you're going to go to therapy. So he is right now.
But again, it's really hard because his therapist that say like you have to help me to help you and it's been a constant theme of him not wanting to acknowledge one that he has trauma to he's not acknowledging that he has areas that he can grow in and for me that's where the disconnect happens and I don't know how to reach him if he's not willing to learn and grow and mature. And so that's kind of why I'm looking for advice because I just kind of feel at a loss.
It's a tough situation you're in. I don't know how much help I'm going to be.
Because as a teenager, I fortunately had a very good upbringing. I didn't have to deal with a lot of trauma and things like that.
And I had a healthy relationship with my parents. If I were trying to just generalize young men in general, I don't know what he experienced, but I'll say this.
It's not surprising to me that the older boy is having a hard time coping with whatever trauma he had than the younger girl. I think in general, when you're younger, I think it's easier to work through that trauma, maybe a little bit more depending on what happened or when it happened.
And I think young men in general, they struggle expressing themselves and being more vulnerable and emotional and things like that. I think maybe that's where maybe your husband might be able to play a stronger role than you.
One advice I would try to give to you is try, and I know this is the way you're phrasing it, but I would try to, and I'm not saying you're, obviously all of your intentions are to help this kid clearly, right? But like, I think it's less about your immediate connection with him and whether you feel connected to him and just trying to like figure out what this kid needs, right? Because this kid is struggling and we, you know, like, you What do I give this kid? I can say that as a young man, as close as I was with my mom, I definitely was not connecting with her. I wasn't bonding with her maybe as I did when I was a little boy and things like that.
I think as a young man, you are more drawn to either independence or other male role models.

And so to me, this sounds like a kid who's really friends.

I would love to see him try to figure out making friends, but that might be something

he struggled with right now.

It might be easier for him to have some more strong male role models that he looks up to that can be friends to him. He's going to need friends his age, for sure.
But he might not have that skill set right now to develop those friends. But we want to nip this in the bud as early as possible so that by the time he gets to adulthood, he's dealing with these same challenges of making friends and like you know the last thing you want shit in 2025 i think regardless of what this young man has gone through i do think we're dealing with an epidemic of like lonely young men i think you know there's too many young men finding porn online video video games porn, and drugs.
And it's just like lack of social skills. I honestly am worried.
But I think your husband can probably have a stronger impact than you right now. I think, again, I just think it's normal for young men to seek out male role models.
Yeah i shouldn't have used the word connection i suppose maybe like parenting style sure would have been more appropriate because um i just feel like i might be pushing him way more when handling these behaviors so i guess it's less so connection because actually he's a little bit more different than i I would say the average teenage boy. He's actually pretty attached to me and my husband.
So, yeah, you're right. The connection probably wasn't the right way to phrase it.
What does he like to do? Well, he does like to do the video game thing. Outside of video games, what is he like? Does he enjoy sports? What real life things could you introduce to his life? he is in sports he's kind of miserable because he he's i wouldn't say the worst player on the team but he definitely doesn't get any minutes okay so maybe he doesn't so i i just feel like his life's pretty tough okay he just has no friends he's not getting any minutes and then he works a job part-time that he just hates so i just feel really bad because i just just feel like his life kind of is really tough right now.
Does he need to work at this job right now? Over the summer when he lived with us, he was working at this job, but he chose to give up a lot of shifts and kind of sit around. And his goal is to have a car and buy a car and pay for gas insurance and all those things, which we're super supportive of.
And he kind of wasted his summer scrolling on tiktok playing video games giving up the shifts and so he kind of that feels this sense of urgency because he gets his license soon so yeah so he finds work to be important just for the value of saving money gotcha i want to just reaffirm i am not an expert so take everything i say with an absolute grain of salt but when you were talking about him getting a car like i just i just wonder if like a a kid going through what he's going through right now like having a driver's license in a car is the best thing for him right now you know and i was just like because that's going to give him more freedom and right now he's someone who's lacking direction he's lacking friendships and it's going to give him like a literal vehicle and also a metaphorical vehicle to escape. And I don't know, and seek out.
And my advice, honestly, the best thing I can offer you right now is I really think that like, this sounds like a young man who needs to be surrounded as much as possible. We need to figure out what he enjoys, right? What does he have a passion for? You know, and he may, most people don't know what their passions are, but I think trying to introduce him to new things, he needs to give a shit about something.
He needs to be excited about something. You know, if he, yeah, he's on the sports team, but he doesn't play.
You know, even if he if he likes sports playing sports might not be his thing it's just going to make him feel less than we need to find something for this kid that he gets into that he feels like he's good at you know and then we need to like develop that passion he just needs to give a shit about something something that makes him feel a sense of pride you know and in the meantime i would love I would love for him to have some male mentors, role models, you know? Like, maybe it's your, hopefully your husband, you know, is able to do that. And like, maybe even your husband and his friends can like, you know, bring him along and show him the ropes about some cool things.
He's going to hopefully look up to older men, right? The problem with, when young, confused teenagers in general, a lot of people in healthy lifestyles are just kind of too busy and too preoccupied. And it's the bad people who seek out young, confused people like him and they become the bad role models.
And the last thing I want for this kid is to get his license, get his car and to meet the wrong guy. Yeah.
How do you balance that that though like you're saying like i agree like i i don't really want him to have that freedom but how do you balance that with you know we we talked to him all the time about being responsible you know saving his money because when he moved in with us he spent all of it so now he's actually trying to do the right thing by saving his money you know doing the driver's ed and all those things so like my fear is exactly what you're saying and well a car makes sense though but right because like if nothing else having his own car sounds cool to probably anyone certainly a teenager and that's the first thing from what i've you know again i barely know i know very little about the story but like you gave him a goal and granted like he is a teenager so he played video games and was on tiktok and he didn't fulfill that goal but there was a moment or and there still is a moment now and now he kind of realized his his mistake right and now he's reinvesting in that goal and so he's willing to work a job he doesn't like for to get this car and that to me that shows that like we can channel this kid a little bit you know but the we have to find out what his other goals and passions are right now his only goal is to get out to get a car yeah and and do it and have freedom to to escape and i would love him to and we'd have to introduce more things into his life who knows what his passions might be you know like what's his personality like is he analytical? Is he creative? So that's the hard part because me and my husband actually had this discussion. My husband's on the same page.
He actually told me the other day, he's like, you know, what he needs is a little bit of just a picker upper by being good at something. Because right now it kind of feels like he's getting beat down in every area of his life.
So that's actually exactly what my husband said. But what we're both struggling with is he kind of doesn't have much personality outside of he's a really, he's really kind kid.
Like he really is. He's really well mannered.
He has a really big heart, but as far as like gifts, passions, talents, interests, it again falls into that category of just, he's kind of interested escaping and again given his traumatic background it makes sense and you know he he hasn't been under our roof very long so again like state stability hasn't been a thing for him so we're struggling how do you how do you introduce those things to someone who just his desire honestly seems like he just wants to numb out. Like that's all he wants to do.
Like his goal is just to get home at the end of the day and just scroll on his phone. So it's just really hard to come up with ideas, especially because he really struggles with closed minded this too.
Sure. And that when he's a teenager, the challenge is going to be on the side of you and your husband's, right? Because you're right.
This isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to require, and that's why obviously what you and your husband are doing is very noble.
It's very challenging. Being a foster parent is very challenging.
It's a lot easier to be a parent when you're a kid, like my daughter, River. It's just like, right now she's delightful, but when she grows up, I'm not sure what personality traits she'll have or how difficult she might be in certain areas.
But right now we'll be able to be like, we're your parents and you do what we say. And we have a little bit of control and like, you're, you're just trying to like, have this kid trust you, let alone like trying to like, I'm your parent, you know, and things like that.
So you guys really are walking on eggshells. I think you just have to try to be patient as much as you can be you're gonna have to you have to be resilient you're gonna have to be able to try things out you can't get discouraged around him when and just be like what do you like you know things like that you know you're just gonna have to keep trying something is gonna land right in the meantime i don't know this is just like again my opinion i don't know if a

therapist would agree with me but like the kid needs to believe in himself too right right now he probably doesn't believe in himself doesn't believe there's much of a future but i don't know what trauma he experienced but maybe he has a very pessimistic view on life but you need to start if any if you preach anything to this kid it's just like i would do whatever you can to make him believe in themselves i would observe his his his good qualities his you know what what is what do you think he's good at even if it just gas this kid up make him feel good about himself be a cheerleader you know don't be obnoxious about it but like really you know hey you know what you know what i really pointed out you know what i really do you realize how good you are, blink, blink? Do you know, like that was a really nice thing you did. That was really cool.
He's just not getting that anywhere else. Like you have to go out of your way for you and your husband to just make this kid believe in himself.
And if he can believe in himself, then he can believe in his potential, you know? And once you start believing your potential, then you realize you have something to live for. You know, right now he doesn't care about his choices because he doesn't really care what happens to him because life's a fucking drag and life's been nothing but like misery and i can give you a bunch of reasons why life sucks and i can give you very few reasons why life is awesome and you're you and your husband i honestly if my opinion is it's your job right now not i mean it's not your job you're doing a kindness but like if i were you i would just try to make this kid just find something every day to make this kid smile believe in himself to have some pride in what he does you know yeah like that pride you know feeling good about what he is doing and then like something to live you know believe in the future dream have him dream about things what do you want to do when you grow up like dream big too does he want to be the president of the united states does he want to be an astronaut does he want to fly a plane ask him about his dreams and make him believe that he has the right to dream big because right now he doesn't have a reason to believe dream big he keeps his dreams small because most of his dreams dreams he never even had things he took a grant took for granted like a healthy home and those dreams were ripped away he's probably very reluctant to have dreams right so you know you got to start small but like it's really just about getting this kid to start believing in life and hope and dream and and aspire to do anything other than just escape but you're gonna you will have to be patient because it's gonna probably feel like it does now like it's it's met with a ton of resistance and i think you're gonna have to not you're gonna have to be willing to accept that resistance and and and find the small wins and it may it's gonna take some time but you just gotta keep hammering you have you know and like you just described for a kid who's very used in temporary situations and things that don't last this could be an almost subconscious like test of like i don't know they're kind now but like they'll be dicks in a year i don't know you know they'll they believe in me now but will they believe in me in two years i don't know like you know what i'm saying his his resistance to your kindness might be like a test in a way not even a conscious conscious one, but it could be a subconscious test.
So I really think patience and resiliency and consistency in the part of you and your husband is the most important thing. And then what you're consistent and resilient about is making him believe in himself, giving him things to take pride in what he does, to find ways to compliment him.
Maybe it's his hair one day. Maybe it's his sense of style the other day.
Who knows what this kid's interested in? Again, it could be fashion. It could be engineering.
It could be sports. It could be, maybe he sucks at sports, but he's amazing at fantasy sports.
I don't know. Be open to anything.
Honestly, we're just trying to find any win for this kid whatsoever. Something that makes him go, I did that.
That was cool. You know, that's why they give out gold stars to first graders, you know, because at an early age, they want a kid to feel like I did something.
I used to tell the same story every job interview I had. And it was a true story.
And because I was in a sales job, they fucking loved it but i it's true i remember the first thing i won it was in the first grade it was a coloring contest and my you know we were supposed to paint supposed to color paint glass windows and being a catholic kid my mom was like you should paint all those little uh paint glass windows different colors and all the kids were just like orange purple and we were i will never i was in the first grade we're sitting in our little circle on the floor as first graders do and then in walked the results of the coloring contest and they called my name and i was the winner and that felt so fucking good like honestly i was like i like winning winning is awesome i want to replicate this feeling you know i feel really and wouldn't you know it? I got really good at art.

And maybe I was always going to be good at art.

I don't know.

But like that belief in myself that I could do something good and I got rewarded for it.

And people were like, that was cool.

Good job.

And I had all, you know, I got accolades and attention and, you know, like that affected

me.

So to this, I still vividly remember that day.

Don't remember much about first grade.

Do remember that day.

And it's because I won something, you know?

And so like this kid needs wins.

He needs a lot of wins.

He needs some small wins.

He needs to, and he needs to be able to trust these wins.

And he's going to at first feel like it's insincere.

He's going to feel like you're just saying it to be nice.

He's going to find every way possible not to believe you and your husband, but you're going to have to keep being resistant. You're going to have to stay patient, be consistent, and just hope that over time, this kid starts to trust and starts believing in himself and then know that you guys will always show up for him.
That's my advice. I think that's really good.
That's a good call out too, because I think that's an area that I struggle in. If I'm being honest, I'm a lot harder on him for some reason than his sister.
And I don't know if that's because our personalities are so different. And he kind of like, you know, in my high school experience, I was a three sport athlete, I worked really hard, got straight A's, did all these things.
I was like a busy B and he's kind of the complete opposite of that. and so sometimes I feel like I'm doing exactly the opposite of what you suggested do which

was instead of like celebrating the little things, I can be extra like nitpicky and hard on him because he is so different from me. So I just think that's good advice and a good call out because like, as you were saying it, like just celebrate like the little things I'm like, Oh, here I am doing the opposite and kind of pointing out the little things that he could work on and maybe that's where that kind of friction is happening between us well that's why you're asking a third party yeah I can be yeah I can be nitpicky I think we don't realize as parents and that's something as my daughter gets older I'm gonna you know Natalie and I will have to check each other you know because there will be a time to play good cop and there will be a time to play bad cop you know but right now i think this kid needs a lot of good cop and i think the bat he's dealt with so much bad cop that like let's let's worry let's get this let's get this kid to believe in himself first before we start like i'm the kid who you need to be like hey buddy you're a little cocky you know when this kid starts getting real cocky and start youy, then you'll be able to nitpick, right?

Because that's when you're fine.

Well, so he does do that sometimes, though, like over things that are like, like we'll

be playing pickup basketball and he'll like over celebrate.

And is that a case where I do still cheerlead him, even if he's being a little overly cocky

or kind of in your face and socially it's not.

From what you're describing, old big picture, I picture i would say yeah him overcompensating a small victory as a result of no one giving it paying any attention to this kid yeah and yes i think right now you should just celebrate this fucking kid i think you should okay you know he he needs a pick-me-up he needs to believe in himself he needs to feel like this is you know, like this is, you know, every kid has dreams. And I don't know how much he's dreamt, but every kid has dreamt about like being hoisted up on his friend's shoulders.
And, you know, he's watched TV and Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel, all these, all the magical moments that are shown in these, it's not a coincidence, it's because kids fantasize about these things, you know, and he's like, he's never experienced any of these things. And he's on the end of the bench and he's not doing it, you know? And so like, here he is with his, his mom who maybe you've talked about your sports, sports accomplishments.
And he like, maybe that's his trying to connect and here you are. I'm not trying to make you feel bad being like, you know, again, there's a time and in play, cause you're probably trying to fine tune his like maybe social awkwardness and you're thinking, oh, he needs friends.
And so like that might be obnoxious if he acts this way at school. So I'm going to I'm going to tweak that.
Right. To me, that was totally the intent.
Yeah. And like you're trying to fine tune someone that's like right now we're putting the car back together.
Right. The wheels are off.
The engine's not even in the car. We're putting Humpty Dumpty back together once humpty is back together then we'll polish them i just jumped from two analogies to another uh but you get what i'm saying like you know now's not the time for fine tuning we're really trying to bring this kid into like believing in himself to want you need him to want to say no to drugs because it's hurting him.
It's hurting his body. And his body is a temple.

And he's got one body.

And the better he takes care of his body, the longer he'll live.

But he doesn't give a shit about that right now.

Right.

You know?

Because all he cares about is numbing the moment so he doesn't have to worry about all his fears, concerns, and why people don't believe him, and no one likes him, and why he can't find friends.

And why the fuck would he want to stick around for 80 years?

So why should he give a shit about his body today? And need to change that mental we need to change course and right now we need a love life celebrate things wake up be grateful that he woke up and just be like and and celebrate his happiness and like i would i would worry about the nitpicking for a while and and let him be whoever the fuck he wants to be and celebrate him as long as he's a good person and he's kind to other people yeah yeah that's really good i that's a great call out and that's really really helpful yeah he doesn't have to be cool he doesn't have to be popular i mean yeah we want him to make friends someday but maybe making friends in adulthood is way more important than like whatever friends he doesn't have now and that's where I think he can learn. I think your husband and his buddies should try to include him, bring him along.
He might say no, but you always ask. Never stop asking to include him.
Always ask. Even if he says no every time.
He's expecting. So always bring him along.
Sporting events, fishing trips, whatever it is. If it's's not adult focus but when your husband's hanging out with his boys and doing that that's he'll learn how to be around he'll make he'll learn how to make friends by seeing your husband and his buddies interact with each other that'll be the best you know he's not going to learn how to make friends by you nitpicking him and telling him how to act totally right yeah i think you hit the nail on the head that's really good's hard to find those times.
Like for my husband, it's really hard since we have four kids at home and he's worked, works a full-time busy job. It is kind of hard to find those moments to even bring them along.
Cause my husband doesn't get to have guy time that much. So maybe that's something we can rediscuss though, and try to make more of a priority.
Listen, and once again, what you and your husband are doing is a noble thing and it's not easy to do but you know this kind of is what needs to be done in these situations to you gotta try to find the time you know um and you could be honestly you could be saving a life you know this kid needs to believe in himself and like this is how he's gonna learn being around good role models yeah i think it's more of a monkey c thing versus me and my husband try to have a lot of like just sit down heart to hearts and that's been going nowhere so when you do that you're telling him what he's doing wrong this kid is probably so tired of negative feedback totally just show him what normal is like he's never seen it yeah yeah it's really good and i think you're. It's going to take a lot of patience and a lot of like growing pains for me too, personally.
Cause again, it's, it's hard to switch from parenting, you know, two littles, like a toddler and a baby to getting in that mindset of just listening. Like, I feel like with little kids, it's a different approach of you're correcting them, you're teaching them, and you're talking to them about all these things that they're learning.
And then you switch to parenting teenager, and it's a totally different game. So I think that's probably where some of the growing pains are coming from my side for like, from a parent parenting perspective.
Totally. It's good that you're mindful of that too.
Because again, this is a challenging thing that you and your husband took on. So it's going to come with stress, and it's going to come with feelings of maybe failure.
And it's going to come with, you know, like stress also causes you to not be your best self. So like being mindful about that and then being mindful about not projecting it onto your son and things like that.
Maybe small wins. I mean, I don't, a lot of teenage boys aren't into babysitting, things like that, but like maybe through parenting your two younger kids, like those are opportunities to him and especially when he does something kind or nice again the smallest i would find anything to compliment this kid about anything and i would be very mindful of critiquing him short of him hurting himself i would lay off the critiques yeah yeah well i can tell he's craving it too like I was put in a situation yesterday where he showed me his background.

Like he really wanted to show me his background in his phone.

And I got caught in a tricky situation of him looking for affirmation for me,

but it was a picture of Scooby-Doo and smoking weed.

And so it's like that put me in a tricky position where I could tell he craves

like affirmation, but then I was stuck in being like,

but that's kind of immature and weed's not great for for you as a kid like whatever so i was like you know struggling with knowing he needs that affirmation so then also so in those situations ask more questions well what do you like about it that's really cool that's really first of all it's a very artistic painting you know you can find clever ways of but like what do you like about that like you know immediately like oh there's weed there i mean i get it like i yeah you know it's it's easier for me to say this you know now that i'm in this position you know not invested and heard your story but like in situations like that ask just be more curious that way at least you're not criticizing you know what do you like about this that's you That's, you know, like, yeah, I loved Scooby-Doo as a kid.

What a cool, like, you know, focus on the Scooby-Doo part.

Forget about the immaturity part.

Maybe he wants to be an artist, you know, right?

Like, why does he like that?

We need to find that out.

And if it's the weed part, I don't know, maybe he's testing you.

And you don't have to pretend as his caregiver and his mom that, like, you don't think it's good he's smoking weed.

It's not good for your brain.

It's not good for him development.

Like I wish I want you to take better care of yourself but like say it like that instead of critiquing him and like oh you're dumb weed's bad it's like i i just love you and i really want you to i i think you're capable of so much and weed you know like it it takes things you know it helps with anxiety, but it also affects X, you know, do some research, you know, but you know what I'm saying? It's always from a position of love, not criticism. You know, when you're criticizing, that's bad.
You, why did you do that? Don't you know how bad that is for you? That's criticism, you know, care, you know, like I just, what is cool about it? But like, I, you know, I want you to not like, what is cool about it but like i you know i want you to not like this is dangerous stuff but find those moments of him needing affirmation and focus on that but that is a tricky situation but you know try to thread the needle and then maybe circle back you know about the drugs you know but yeah no that's good being curious and asking questions i think that's, and when you're talking about critiques, believe it or not, it actually comes out of a place of fear and control. That's where, why that comes out of me.
And so just the willingness to let go of the fact that if, if I don't say, Hey, this is bad that he still, like you said, he still knows that that that's where I stand. I don't have to verbalize that.
Um, but yeah yeah just switching my mindset to I'm asking questions because I want to get to know and understand him I think would just be more helpful for me because a lot of times the critiques just come out of a place of fear of I don't want him to go down a path where it'll ruin his life or whatever or like you know again it's more to do with generational history ironically you called in with the question how to connect more with my son right well honestly the solution is to do that you this guy you know he doesn't have friends be a friend honestly be be more of a friend and less of a mom in a weird way again you are his mom so make sure he's safe but you're gonna almost have to do it in a trick you know you're gonna have to trick him you know make sure he's protected and safe but like right now he goes to school he has no friends he goes to sports he's sitting on the bench he has no friend the kid's just trying to get through the day imagine what it'd be like to have no friends so be his friend ask again show an interest in what he likes what he gives a shit about you know same with husband. It's going to have more impact from your husband because most teenage boys seek out male leadership and male role models and things like that.
And like interest from your husband will go a ton away. Just like, Hey, how, what do you do? How'd you do today? Like, what are you into? What do you like? I don't know.
Does he, is he like movies? Like, fuck, give a shit and everything he gives a shit about and and see where that goes i think i'll go a long way yeah i think that's great i think that's really helpful all right well good luck oh thank you so much i really appreciate that really was thought-provoking and extremely helpful thank you oh i'm glad i was i was a little nervous how helpful i could be but i feel no it was really really really good i feel good about yeah i feel good about what was said uh please keep us posted i'd love an update i mean i would love to hear how this young man's doing but um yeah you're doing a great thing thank you i appreciate your time all right take care thank you too Bye-bye. We'll see you next time.
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