#2780 Southern Charm Reunion S10E16: Tears on My Pillow - Live in DC

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Restrictions apply. Dad, how do you make a happy egg?

Well, it starts with a happy hen.

Happy egg.

Happy crack.

Happy flip.

Happy poach.

Happy whip.

Happy hen.

Happy egg.

Happy sizzle.

Happy brunch.

Happy hen.

Happy egg.

And you can make eggs a bazillion ways,

but that orange yolk is how you know it's happy.

Happy Egg. Happens when there's so much that happens.
It's so funny. It's so funny.
It's so funny. It's so funny.
It's so funny. Guess what happens when there's so much that happens.
Hi, everybody. Hi.
Thank you. Well, I'm graceful as ever, tripping all over the fucking place the second I walk.
I... Yeah, it's funny, the cherry blossoms.
When I landed yesterday, and I landed in Reagan Airport, and national whatever... Listen, we paid for that shit.
We can call it whatever we want to eat. So I got on the Uber, and the driver was like, whoa, it's really busy in D.C.
this weekend.

I was like, really, why?

He's like, cherry blossoms.

And I was like, they're cherry blossoms right here.

You're having fun.

I looked at the cherry blossoms at the airport, and I was like, done.

Got it.

It really is gorgeous.

Really gorgeous out there.

It is. We're usually here when it's freezing and everywhere has stairs.
We haven't even seen that many stairs today. Yeah.
There were elevators today. Love that.
I did a little tour because I couldn't check into my goddamn hotel room. So I got one of those little scooter things and went around and toured.
Really pretty stuff. I didn't really understand any of it because I didn't pay attention to that part.
But it was nice. The ducks are bold here.
You've got very, very bold. A duck just came up to me and quacked and stared at me.
I was like, get the fuck out of here. I'm the hungry one.
People feed you all day. I'm on shit to not let me eat.
okay? Get away from me. I was really excited because, you know, like I am here as a huge reality star fan, as you all know.
But I secretly enjoy football too. And after I checked into my hotel, I was walking out of the hotel, and none other than star running back for the Washington Commanders Austin Eckler opened the door for me and I got so excited and I tweeted out and I texted Ronnie and then like also I'm secretly maybe not so secretly a nerd and there happened to be a board game convention next door.
So I went to this board

game convention. I was like, you guys, I just saw Austin Eckler.
And they're like, who?

And I was so excited. And like all day long, I was like, what a great day.
I saw the cherry

blossoms. I saw Austin Eckler.
And then I went back to my hotel and he was there. And

I was like, oh my God, do I say something? And then I looked at him and I was like, that's

not Austin Eckler at all. Just a stranger.
A stranger held a door for me. Well, he showed me pictures from that board game convention.
Good Lord. It was the best.
There are many tights standing over, like with elf hats, standing over life-size game boards about trains. Yeah.
I played I played a board game this morning That was a simulation of the Spanish Civil War My cherry blossom came back today and I'm not gonna have a chance to use it around those guys One thing that's made me sad about DC is the statues are so sad. I mean, that was back in the time.

Like, they didn't have pictures back then.

I mean, I would guess, you know.

And so you couldn't just be like, smile, and then look at it again,

and like fix your face or whatever, and then like take it again.

You just like had to stand there in misery.

And maybe that's why everybody looks so miserable.

But there's this statue where the guy's like on a horse, right,

and he's got his sword up, and he's like, I'm going to war!

And I don't think the other guys knew

they were going to be in the statue

because

the one sitting behind that

guy was like,

he was like, double tunes were out, his hat

was down. The other one's playing

a horn off key. They didn't know they were

in the shot. They're like, why didn't you tell me I was in this shot?

How did you pick this

to be our fucking statue? Fuck this guy.

Well, we love coming to D.C.

You guys may not know this, but you guys

are always one of our

one or two biggest shows of the year.

That's why

I brought my camera out. I was like,

gotta record when it comes out, you know. And it's always exciting to see familiar faces.
So we already know some of our super premium Patreon sponsors are here. I know she's not harsh.
She's Jill Hirsch is here. Where is she? Right there.
Jill, I have your sunglasses. Come get them.
Yeah. Yeah, pass those sunglasses back to Jill.
Jill was kind enough to make some Dubai chocolate and give it to us. Yes, thank you, Jill.
As well as other things. Thank you, Jill.
I also see right in front of us Kristen the Piston Anderson. Kristen the Piston.
Do we have other, are there other ones? We've also got Artie and Lori here who gave us these beautiful shark tooth necklaces for the occasion. Wait, and I only see your arm.
Chrissy Offit, get up on the right foot. Yes.
Get up on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt.

Thank you all for coming and, of course, supporting on Somebody, etc.

But it's so great to be back here in D.C.

You guys are awesome.

All right.

This thing never recognizes my face.

It's me.

God bless it. All right, everybody.

Welcome to What's What Crappens?

A podcast for all the crap we love to talk about and yada yada.

Yada yada yada.

Today is Southern Charm.

I'm not a washed up misogynist that mocks homeless women on the street and screws over every lady my penis enters.

I'm just a sweet little boy who got his heart broken by a gold-digging beauty queen half my age.

Karsh.

Jesus qu quick. Why are you always pretending to be Martha Stewart? Just come out and do some shots with me.
Do some coke, man. What happened to you? You can't be mean to me.
I said the word addict.

And I've been victimized by a horrible mean girl from the North.

Gors strong Yankees! Gors!

Guys!

After an entire season of fighting and throwing each other under the bus,

it's finally good to be able to figure out who caused all of our problems in the first place. Women! Unseen.
So when we open this reunion, you know, everybody's arriving in their cars and stuff. We get all that good stuff.
And then Madison is pregnant and ready to beat the shit out of JT,

which I love.

Yeah.

We've been waiting for Madison

to beat the shit out of somebody

ever since she got with Brett

because, you know, Brett's classy.

You don't want to mess with a fireman

from Los Angeles, all right?

You got to keep it classy.

So she's been behaving herself

for the most part,

but now she's like,

I'm going to rip that little t-pay

right the hell off of his head.

I love a mean, mad, pregnant lady.

Reminds me of home.

It's the land from which I came.

So everyone's getting dressed in their dress rooms.

Big update here.

Rodrigo forgot his couplings.

Well, he didn't forget his bug eyes. The whole time he's like this.
The wild... You know...
Poor Ryan didn't even get invited to this thing. He's probably sitting somewhere like...
But it will be Patricia's first reunion. I don't think she's ever been on one before, so maybe Ryan will just carry her out.
Oh, yeah, that might be it. So we see them dressing up and everything, and then we go out to Andy.
He's like, all right, let's bring him on out. And they have this archway behind Andy's head.
And it's like a never-ending procession of people that come out of this archway. Yeah, and it's a set of Patricia's house, which is funny.
He's like, wow, this is actually a set that's a replica of Patricia's house, but this time the poor

people get past the foyer.

We even have a butler in the corner that you are free to electrocute when you want.

So good to be here, you know.

Charleston's too small of a town to have unfinished business in.

I'm a leader of industry here. God, I hate wearing underwear.
As every leader of industry says, he's not just a leader of industry. He's a storyteller.
Hey, Craig, welcome. He's clapping.
Hey, Shep welcome. Russia! Hey, Austin, welcome.
Oh, Austin. Hey, lady who runs the donut shop down the street, welcome.
Did you get new boobs? Don't know, lady. Hey, person who has to carry Patricia's bag.
Welcome to the reunion. Oh, my God.

She looks great.

It looks great.

It looks great.

And then JT finally comes out, and everyone's like.

He does that awkward handshake thing.

He's like, hey, Andy.

I'm a gentleman, so I'm going to shake your hand.

My favorite is Leva, though, because God bless Leva, man. I mean,

first of all, she's still here. For now.

Leva quit.

No, she didn't quit. She got fired, right?

She did? Yeah, you

didn't know? Wait, I did not know this.

Ben, you need to get the actual news.

I have been simulating the Spanish

Civil War.

Ben's over here paying

to read the New York Times. Reddit is

free, bitch.

Get on it. We're going to have to put that on

I'm surprised you didn't hear that's right from all the way at my house when I read Reddit. Yeah, Leva quit and she did this whole thing like, guys, what a fun season, but you know, my other show is so successful now, I'm just going to concentrate on that.
I'm going to really start rallying the troops and not let people wear Nikes after 8pm. It's a huge issue where I'm from, so she's out.
But for now, she comes on and she's in this dress that only comes to like, just right here, like on her nipple. And she's got a lot going on.
She's like, hi. Oh, God.
Jesus. I'm like, did Grace Lily style you? She looks like me after one week of Ozempic where I thought I would lose like 50 pounds and I lost nothing.
I was like, look at me!

Hi, I'm your host, Andy Cohen,

reuniting with the gang from a show I don't really watch,

but I'll just ask them questions.

Southern Charm.

We're going to break down this milestone season

where hearts were broken,

friendships faltered,

and even our resident Peter Pans tried to grow up. Ha! Ha! Ha! Unfortunately, you all, Sandy Duncan, 80 years old, still coming out as Peter Pan.
At some point, somebody just has to say, it's not working! If Sandy Duncan came flying out over that reunion stage on a wire,

what a dream that would have been.

Just throwing wheat thins

down at the cast.

Holding on to a walker as she flies around.

She's going to hold on forever.

So Madison

comes out. She's pregnant.
She's like,

hi everybody. I'm pregnant.
Like, oh my god,

Madison's pregnant. We're all such good friends.
Nobody's even seen her. I know.
Like you haven't even seen her Instagram. Come on now.
We, okay. I'm so glad this came up because last week we were in Charlotte and someone pulled us aside and said, you guys need to know something.
Apparently, starting in 2025, this is the first year of the beta generation, which means that Madison is literally giving birth to a beta. Isn't that funny? That was so fucking funny.
And people say God doesn't watch Bravo. Come on.
The previous generation unfortunately was the corn generation. So this child will not be born for corn and will be a beta.
And she's like, you know, I'm not like everybody else. I don't want to hold the important news in.
So it's going to be a girl. And the best news is she ain't going to look nothing like Austin.
She's going to chew when she chews and talk when she talks. That's just how it goes.
Not gonna be a combo y'all. Well I could see everyone was surprised when you walked in.
Wow I mean not a dry eye in the in the house. There were so many tears.
Vanita almost drowned. Oh yeah you know my little son he's just so cute.
He's just very protective of her. And he came up to me and he said, Mama, I've never seen you fat before.
You told me I'm not supposed to talk to fat people. Am I still allowed to talk to you? I said, it's a temporary thing.
In nine months, you can go back to the rules. But he still walks around the house doing what I taught him to.
Poking me with a stick, saying, walk faster, fatty. So it's...
Madison explains that the way she hid it from everyone is that she told people that she's been doing a dry January or whatever. And Craig is like, wait a second.
I was with you. I thought you were sober for the month.
Wait, you thought I was supporting your sobriety? You barely even support that. Get the fuck out of here.
I'm pregnant. Leave it to Craig to miss the entire baby bump that's like plainly obvious for everyone to see.
So then Vanita. Vanita's like, and Andy's like, Vanita, that made you cry? She goes, yeah, I'm just trying to keep my eyes from running.
Let me look at my mirror. Her whole dress is mirrors.
I was like, that thing is terrifying. I know.
Every time she talked, it was like... Like, everything was rattling.

Hey, Miss Ross.

You know, no one on the cast understood what Andy was talking about when he said Miss Ross.

Is that the lady who invented the discount store?

My mother loves that place.

So Andy's like, so are you surprised that JT's here? And she's like, no. Can you make that a complete sentence? No, I'm not surprised.
You're trying. You're trying.
Hey, Shep, looks like you brought a shark tooth necklace. Did you do that, Shub? Shub, you sure did.
You want a shark tooth necklace, too? Sure. What kind do you want? I have options.
Are you a hammerhead? Are you a great white? Sort of. Are you a basking bull? Are you a nurse shark? Are you a lemon shark? Are you a leopard shark? Are you a zebra shark? A lot's one back here.
Are you a black tip? Oh, well, actually. It's a little personal there, buddy, all right? So last I heard, JT, you quit the show.
He's like, yeah, Andy, you know, I had a little bitch moment. And then I got over it when I realized I'm still unemployed and Bunny kicked me out of the house so I'm back it was a real bitch moment I mean I could not have thought of a bigger bitch moment I could have had than when I had that bitch moment but just as a reminder I never say the B word I would never say that I support women I Miss Patricia, and I would never say the B word.

I was just having a bitch moment.

That's it.

And Sally's like, your inner bitch comes out a lot.

Well, take note, Sally.

We need more from you.

Give me more.

I love the blowjob in the parking lot.

I need more.

That sounded wrong.

I was like, wow, Ronnie.

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Talk about cherry blossoms.

The first time I've ever said that, my usual line is

stop, I'm exhausted.

So,

JT, when was the last time you

and Vanita spoke?

Um, how long

was that again? I don't really remember.

October 28th. Can you be more specific? 7.58 p.m.
And ever since then, there have been three dots blinking at me while he tries to think of a response. All right.
Well, we're still in the middle

of this process, so hi, Leva.

How's it going, Leva?

Love your dress, Leva.

And then what the weirdest

thing started happening, my TV just

started moving really fast like it was being fast

forwarded.

She's like, I'm just so excited

to get a break from those lovable kooks over at Republic selling hot dogs. They say that syphilis doesn't storm, Andy, but let me tell you.
So, Molly, welcome to your first reunion. She's like, how are you doing tonight? Feeling incredibly fat, Andy.

I'm wearing a size zero, but inside I'm just busting out all over it, Andy.

All right, Sally, good to see you.

God, you are a beauty.

See what I did there?

Okay, no one did.

Think about it.

Think about it.

It'll be funny when you put the words together.

And then you'll remember Reza

having a scene there once. Okay.

Sally, please

reenact your best scene of the year.

Wow!

Nice cans!

Nice cans, lady.

You want to take these down a size?

You're the first woman who's ever

come in here that I haven't had to ask. Are those new boobs? Hey, Austin.
What's going on? Hey, Pookie. Got a girlfriend.
Madison might be pregnant, but I'm with child as well. I'm just dating her.
Hey, so who came up with that nickname Pookie? Why do you call me Boo Boo? Yeah, you know, Andy, it's just anything, any kind of name that can infantilize a woman immediately. And then we get to Taylor, who, is she wearing two dresses? I was so confused what was happening there.
It was like one dress was like doing the alien thing out of the other dress.

Yeah. She was like in the middle

of a costume change, you know, in a Broadway

show. They were like,

Get out! You're on, toots!

Hey!

Hey, Anna!

Whatever your name is.

Taylor Ann Green.

I love saying your full name!

For the longest time, I thought you were Marjorie Taylor Green, and I was so confused. I thought, wow, what a monster, but at least she's got a personality this season.
Am I right? Question. Is it Gaston or Gaston, and do you have nudes of him to show me? It's Gaston.
Just like Beauty and the Beast, Andy. Did you watch Beauty and the Beast? What the fuck are you bragging about, girl? I think that was her relationship with Shep.
So, then... Alright! People are like, oh...
Shep. They're like, he's an asshole, but we'd still fuck him.
Leak it off his ass. Cherry Blossom Day, how dare you? You leave his name out of your mouth.
All right. Hey, Craig.
What's going on, Craig? How are you doing, Craig? He's like, I can't stop laughing, Andy. Sorry.

Alright, that's the entire cast.

Next week on part two of

The Reunion,

I was like, how long was this taking?

So,

everyone's really upset about your

breakup with Paige, huh, Craig?

He's like, yeah, the world is going crazy

over it, Andy, you know?

I look out my window and people are burning

Teslas.

It's like...

Thank you. He's like, yeah, the world is going crazy over it, Andy.
I look out my window and people are burning Teslas. Paige really did a number on this country.
I can't believe how many federal employees Paige is firing right now. If one man on this show would apologize as much as a current Tesla owner is apologizing to everybody around them, we'd have no problems.

There are stickers. These poor Tesla drivers are driving around like, sorry, I bought this before all this shit happened.
I'm sorry. Please don't key my car.
so remember when you guys broke up ha ha ha ha, ha, and cut to Paige saying, this is the last time you'll ever see me,

you just don't know it yet, ha, ha, ha, ha.

He's like, ha, ha.

Well, you know, like, I never saw it coming, Andy.

I mean, like, it was crazy.

Like, there were no red flags.

All right, let's please, a montage of red flags. Um, I fucking hate you.
Would you please fucking die? You're disgusting. I can't wait to never see your face again.
Hey, Paige, you want to come to the Bahamas? Do I get to drown you there? I've started to see someone else. This was two years ago.

And while he's trying to, you know, woe is me, a vase

falls off of a table. And they're like,

oh my god. He's like, that was the first red flag

I saw.

No, that was just me. I'm sorry.

But I'm sitting backstage. I was

aiming at Randy.

But you're just

throwing bosses like Donkey Kong.

So Craig is like,

I will say that when we were together

in private, that's what I base

our relationship off of,

and there weren't any signs.

And Shep and Austin are just

looking at each other like,

what the fuck?

So he's like, Shep, did you see any signs? When did you hear about this? And Shep's like, well, I was reading Carowack and Canawan down in the Geraldines. The Grenadines, sorry.
The Geraldines. The Geraldine Grenadines.
So it's like, Shep, what does that even matter?

Who cares if you went to a grenadine factory?

Whatever. Enjoy your Shirley Temple.

I just want everyone to know

I was in a very intellectually stimulating place

when I read about the horrible breakup.

It was in Spanish.

The island had no electricity.

It was great.

But then I told them that they had to watch the seminal documentary The Vietnam War by Ken Burns. And they brought electricity to the island just to watch it.
Oh, well, I already knew because Craig and I were together in Toronto and he's acting like a real fucking pussy, all right? Well, Paige called me and broke up with me after Thanksgiving when Austin and I were about to do a live show, and then I texted you eventually, and you were like, why aren't you going to London? And I said, well, I don't want to go to London. And then he was like, what's wrong with you? I was like, I'm a storyteller.
And I love that Craig victimizes himself even in this, because he's like, after Thanksgiving, before a live show.

I was like, oh, now Paige is coming for the theater.

The arts.

Please let me know when its place is.

Okay, three, two, one.

I'm breaking up with you.

Okay, have a great show.

Dear God, I would just like to give thanks for this being the last fucking day I have to stare at this turkey. Thank you.
That is so cold, though. Well, she could have done it before Thanksgiving.
At least she fed him first. She literally probably said, you know what I love about Thanksgiving? It's when I can say thanks for giving me space for the rest of my life.

Bye.

So Andy's like, okay, well, there's two things that stick out to me.

Sally, please put your boobs away now.

We're done with that segment.

Now, you said that she broke up with you the night that you were doing a live show. And Austin's like, yeah, it was like two days after Thanksgiving.

Inspector Poirot over here. He's like, but you lied to me, and watch what happens live.
And we see a flashback of basically Andy saying like, so, like, are you guys engaged? And Craig's like, I don't know. And Andy's like pissed that he didn't get an honest answer in one of those two.
Yeah, because Craig's not only

lying, but he doesn't. He's like, oh, we

just had a great Thanksgiving together.

She's basically asked for

my popsicle sperms

and an easy bake oven to get

them warmed up. We're about to stick them in there.

It's going to be great, Andy. She wants a ton.

She asked me for a minivan, Andy.

She asked me for a minivan. He's like, wait a minute.
And Andy was like, do you feel like that was telling the truth? And then this is a cliffhanger, and so then we had a commercial, which I missed this commercial entirely, but apparently there was a commercial for Sensodyne toothpaste with Craig in it. Yeah, a lady is like, hello, pillow man.
Hello, lawyer, pillow man, extraordinaire, leader of industry, captain of crowds, everybody loves him, it's Craig Carnival for Sensodyne. He's like, yeah, you brush your teeth with it.
When you're sensitive, you need a sensitive toothpaste. So he goes through this whole thing of lies where he's like, well, you know, after a three-year relationship where she asked me to buy her a ring, she did not.
I do not believe it. I want video.
Do you think? You guys think that she did? No. Oh, okay.
I thought they were like, she did. She's not going to trust Craig to pick out a ring.
I don't think she would ask Craig to buy her a ring. I think she would say, my mother's going to buy a ring.
How much are you willing to spend? She'll reimburse you. You fucking loser.
They ain't trusting him to go to a store. Yeah, and then you get- Any store.
You go and you have Thanksgiving and it's great. And then you buy a ring and then like you go you get a phone call and you're after spending a great Thanksgiving

And then she was like we'll talk about it and then I was like well

I don't think it's real, but then I watch I was live

I went to her apartment. I was like what's going on and she was like

I'm probably making the worst mistake of my life, but I need to go find myself and I was like okay

And she's like this means I'm breaking up with you. I was like, okay She's like that means you have to go find myself.
And I was like, okay. And she's like, this means I'm breaking up with you.
I was like, okay. She's like, that means you have to leave the apartment now.
And I was like, okay. And you have to ask Kristen Cavallari to stop doing TikToks in my living room, please.
And I'm not home. Did you see that? I saw that on Reddit today.
They're like, is this Paige's studio apartment? And Chris K-Cav's like. And then I was like, what about the ring? And she's like, keep it.
It looks hideous. Anyway, I would never wear that thing.
And I was like, but what about the ring, though? She goes, I don't know. Maybe we'll get married at BravoCon.
That was a joke. I'm already telling you right now.
It was a joke. And I was like, she wants to get married at BravoCon.
Andy goes, wait! Maybe married at BravoCon? Fuck yeah, finally!

And Molly's like, yeah, that seems like a lot of mixed signals.

It seems like a lot of fucking lines.

Do you think Paige for one second was like, oh my God, let's get married at BravoCon?

No, stupid.

She was saying, you bought a ring the same as we would ever get married at BravoCon.

None of this is happening, okay?

Crazy person. She's like, oh, well, maybe we'll get married at BravoCon, loser.
He's like, wow, it's happening. So Craig is doing this whole, like, Thanksgiving, BravoCon, bought a ring.
And Andy's like, this is a great idea. And he's, like, counting money in his head.
He's already putting it together. Again, this isn't like we broke up and then it was over and I moved on with my life.
We had been like planning our life together for three years. And like we had been fantasizing about starting a family.
Roll the tape of so many times when Paige seems so interested in starting a family. This is so funny.
And they're

at the little goat farm, and Craig's petting

a goat. And he's like,

yeah, but I just

thought, you know,

I fantasize about

us starting a family, and we have kids,

and you don't work, and you don't wear shoes, and you're just

in a kitchen, you know, cleaning a counter

and stuff. She's like, yeah, Paige.

Yeah, Craig. Well, guess what? I fantasize like an idiot, too.
So. Yeah.
It's not real. I fantasize that Zara has a sale every week.
It just doesn't happen. Yeah, but then, like, I was just in a weird place in December, you know, and we talked throughout December.
You know, I would say, like, come back, and she'd say, like, no, and I'd be like, so yes, and then, you know, two days before the New Year, she texted me and said, I just want you to know I'm talking about it on my podcast so that we're no longer together. Man, Paige is going for every fucking holiday.
I love that. It's like Thanksgiving, dump them, and right before New Year, the most romantic holiday of the year, she's like, by the way, I just outed our fucking breakup, you loser.
You were too weak to talk about it on Watch What Happens Live, so I just did it for us. Hop on.
And then all my stuff showed up on my porch, and then it became real, especially when it was addressed to ew.gross at Charleston.

Came with a card that said, dear, die alone. What'd she send you? A pair of flip-flops? You know Paige didn't allow his shit in that house.
That was flip-flops and a toothpaste. Cry me a river.
It was a cricket machine. She's like, oh my god, get this out of here.
Well, I guess the reason I glommed on to you saying that is that you kind of definitely said that Paige called and broke up with you. Well, to be fair, she did break up with me on the phone because she said, I think we need to break up.
But I just, I didn't receive it. I took it as, we're going to get married.
Okay. Well, why would you choose not to share with Austin when you're in the city of nice

people who share a lot? Toronto. And he's like, oh, this is going to be harsh, but I

don't trust Austin yet. And Austin's like, Craig, Craig, you're probably right.
You're probably right.

So Craig's like, yeah, it was harsh,

but that was my honest feeling.

And I was freaking out, you know,

like if everybody talks about it,

it makes it real.

You know what else makes it real?

It being real.

So Austin is like,

well, it was pretty obvious to me that Craig was like keeping me a bit at bay, you know, and I'm like, I'm not upset at Craig and just sad that he couldn't turn to me. And Shep is like, well, it's pretty obvious to me that Craig was keeping me a bit at bay, you know? And I'm like, I'm not upset at Craig, and just sad that he couldn't turn to me.
And Shep is like, yeah, gosh, my biggest concern was I'm sure Craig was getting inundated at the moment with the news, so I thought it was important to send him a supportive message. So I texted him, and I said, as Sir William Shakespeare once wrote, Ophelia doth boweth to the mighty storm,

and I know you're sad,

but I hope to see your pretty little freckled lips smile again.

The moisture leaking out of your eyes

is as dewy as the sunset in March.

I love your freckled little penis.

I was like, all right, Seth, back down. Back down, Seth.
I love your freckled little penis.

I was like, all right, Seth, back down.

Back down, Seth.

And Craig's like, yeah, I mean, I never felt so supported in my life. Like, Andy sent me, like, a Grindr notification that he was 10 feet away from me.

That really meant a lot, Andy.

Thank you.

Wow.

Hey, Madison, how did you find out about this?

Thank you. Wow.
Hey, Madison, how did you find out about this? I'm fine. You know, I reached out to Craig immediately, and I said, ha-ha, loser.
Then I sent a text to Paige, and I said, listen, I know you won't talk to me right now because I'm kind of fat. But please, let's be friends after this.
Please don't make me stay alone with these men. So she's like, yeah, I reached out to Craig immediately online.
And he handled it very well. I mean, considering, you know, he's lied for months about it.
Made up stories. And then tried to villainize and victimize Paige.
But, you know, beyond that, I mean, for this cast, pretty good. He didn't attempt to assault nobody, so it's a win.
It's a win for this show. Vanita, you mentioned on the after show that you actually reached out to Paige.
She's like, yep, I just texted her and I said, I love you. I know you have your heart broken.
You were my way out of this place, so please don't forget about me. I was like, I know this was really, really hard on you, but at least you haven't had to fuck both Whitney and Shep.

So... I gotta say, I gotta say.

Oh, God, I gotta tell you guys.

I was on CNN bringing the new year, I mean, wasted doll fuck, with Anderson.

And there was Jon Hamm.

And we see Jon Hamm, who's like, hey, by the way, what's going on with Paige and Craig? Am I right, America? And he's like, what was that like? Have Jon Hamm say your name on TV. Well, it was a little weird, because at the same time he was saying that you were trying to get a zipper down.
That was kind of odd. Sorry, big Mad Men fan.
Yeah, because Paige, he says that Paige was like, oh my god, I've watched this like a million times. Jon Hamm mentioned me.
And he's like, some people are just different, I guess. And Shep goes, yeah, that was pretty uncool.
Like, yeah, that was mean. No, I mean, Jon Hamm trying to do comedy again.
He just should stop doing it. And Craig's like, yeah, she commented on it.
And she was like, I've watched this a million times. It's amazing.
I mean, like, we're just so different. Like, how are you finding fun in this? You know, like, who is she since this breakup? Like, she's fighting with people in comments.
She's starting to say mean stuff about me based on what the internet is saying. And I'm like, I didn't do anything to you.
Sir. You made up a whole bullshit story for a month and made her sit on it.
And then when she finally admitted it, you said you were just blindsided and came on doing one of your sweater talks on the Instagram, smiling and winking at the camera like you were the biggest victim in the country. Okay.
And even worse. Paige can be an asshole, but she wasn't an asshole then.
And do you know how hard that was for her? That was a whole month of being nice to someone that she probably wanted to die. So you sat on your counter and put your foot in the sink.
Enough. You're done.
So, yeah, he's really mad at how Paige is acting on social media. I'm personally loving it.
Are you guys following how Paige is acting? So the boys, all three of the boys went on Watch What Happens the other day and Craig was doing this whole like,

I was blindsided to her, she's being so mean

to me, this and that.

So Paige started doing that passive-aggressive

like thing that you do.

Because she's got so many followers that

she's always the top like on all

of the posts. So if she

comments on a New York post thing, and it's about

I don't know, like, Pakistan got

into grape jelly suddenly, and Paige Disarbo likes it, it'll be like Paige Paige DeSorba likes this. That's all they love that for grape jelly, love that for grape jelly.
So he sees them all. So one of them was, let's not forget that this was the Craig that Paige inherited.
She did way more for this spoiled brat than he ever did for her, and it's Craig from her union being like... Like all upset.

And then it's like, Paige DeSorbo like this.

I'm Paige DeSorbo and I approve this message.

And then after he called her mean,

she just put one little thing on her story that said,

I'm as mean as you make me.

Absolutely.

Don't change a thing, Paige. Commercials.
Here comes one right now. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me.
And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours.
Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.

My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up.

They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that

help them feel a little more hopeful.

Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now

by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect.

For Patty, that friend was Desiree.

Until one day...

I texted her and she was not getting the text.

So I went to Instagram. She has no Instagram anymore.
And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone.
And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person, a witch.
A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres, but who was hiding a secret. From Wondery, based on my smash hit

podcast from Brazil, comes

a new series, Don't Cross

Cat, about a search

that led me to a mystery in a

Texas suburb. I'm calling to check

on the two missing Brazilian girls.

Maybe get some undercover crew there.

The family are freaking out.

They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti.

You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. So, Taylor, do you have any advice for Craig about going through a public breakup? So Taylor's like, um, delete all videos and memories and personality and inflection in your voice.
Don't leave any videos on your phone because if you keep looking at them, you're going to just start thinking that every video is supposed to be covering the lens with foam as it progresses. Taylor! Spitting food coming out of his mouth.

Well, erasing memories is the step I'm getting into.

Eternal sunshine of a storyteller's mind.

So then Rodrigo's like, sex tapes.

Gotta delete the sex tapes. Taylor Ann, did you delete all the videos of Shep the way they didn't delete the videos of you and showed them to the entire cast last season? Don't worry, Wendy still has your naked picture.

I don't have any pictures of him on my phone.

It's not out of spite, it's just having basic human standards.

Don't worry, I've got him if you ever need him.

Memories, like the corners of my car. She's like, thanks.
Thanks. Austin, I'll tell you one thing.
Just when you thought we couldn't wedge this video in here, we're going to do it. Austin, that video of you pops up every single time.
Cue it. Madison.
Madison. Madison.
Madison! It's insane right now. Madison! It's insane right now, Madison.
Ah! Caught you by surprise, Austin. That thing has played more than Charlie Brown Christmas.
The way they just dropped it in there out of nowhere, they're just, you know, I have to say, golf clap to the editors. That was wonderful.
So good. That was like, that was just like a jump scare.
Like, I, that was, that was just, you know, beautiful. So then, did she break up with you for a new guy? Because this was during that goss sesh where it was Joe Tamellio.
Is she with Joe Tamellio? And Craig's like, I told her, please, if you're with

another guy, just put me out of my misery.

Craig, you tried

stopping me from putting you out of your misery every time

I held one of your goddamn pillows over your face.

Now you want it?

I'm not

driving all the way back there.

And she promised she wasn't dating

anyone or talking to anyone. And then she said, really? Sorry, I don't know why I'm talking driving all the way back there.
And she promised she wasn't dating anyone or talking to anyone.

And then she said, really, sorry, I don't know why I'm talking like that.

And then she said some really crazy stuff.

Oh, yeah, what was it?

What was it, Craig?

What was it, Craig?

Yeah, what was the crazy stuff?

Like, I want to know the crazy stuff.

Like, what was it?

It doesn't matter. Okay, it's not crazy.
She was just like, but why? Why didn't you try to get me back? No, she didn't. She did not.
She was like, she was like, you owe me five dollars. I told you I'd get you back someday, but I'm not gonna do that.
She was like, you stole one of my towels. You told me you would give it back.
Give it back. So I was like, you know, I have been trying to get you back.
Like, that's not fair. And she was like, I think it's very clear we made the right decision.
And I was like, we didn't make the decision. And she said, I met me and my mom.
Do you feel gaslit?

Maybe.

Well, why didn't you beg for her to come back?

Well, because I knew you shouldn't be dating someone you have to beg to be with.

I'm like, well, that was after the first date, so.

I just wish you.

Is that true?

I've really been doing it wrong.

Like, please!

Come back!

I didn't give you those M&Ms.

I said you could have one!

Don't make me call Uber Eats!

Come back!

Listen, I think when you've been on this show

and you've seen Catherine Dennis run down a pier going,

Thomas!

Even Craig knows. Maybe you don't Craig knows maybe you don't beg maybe you don't beg I just wish she would have been honest from the beginning and none of this would have been happening Craig, what part of her going for three years says she wasn't being honest What part of my career will always come before being your wife and child? Did you not understand, sir? Because we've all been hearing this for the past year.
What part of I hate coming down here and I hate you was not honest? So, well, we obviously have a lot more to dig on this topic. We're going to somehow make this a three-hour reunion.
We'll come to this 20 more times. So now they go on break, and they come back, and Madison has had personal challenges, which we're not going to talk about today, because Ronnie is extremely bored by very dramatic storylines that involve cancer and dying.
So, FF. We are happy, we are very happy that Brett is great, and we're happy that she's pregnant and has a healthy child.
Yes, of course. Oh, my gosh.
All right. That was great.
So we got a lot of your questions about this FaceTime call that happened between you, Brett, and JT before the season happens. And JT's like, oh, thank you.
Thank you for finally addressing this. Okay, so tell me what happened before I fall asleep.
Now, there is a clip going around. Well, it's on TV.
Okay, it's going around. In some circles.
It was on television. Where JT does say at that golf play, it's like, what the hell? How would you feel if Madison called you up and said, what's his face?

Brett.

Brett and I hooked up.

So he did say that.

But the way it's been taken after that has confused me because didn't Madison say something at one point during the season where she was like,

uh-uh, we just called him because, you know, he had some questions about the trip.

And then he was asking who I was hanging out with.

Was Austin in the room? She said that, right? It's not in my head. Because I do make up things.
I'm like a crazy person. Come back! That was real.
I thought we had something! I'm a go-go boy! I gave you $5.

So Madison basically is like, look, you know,

Brent and I, we called JT and we were just joking like, oh my God,

what happened that crazy night? That was such a funny time. And JT's like, I mean, if we're going to stick with the truth,

I got to defend myself. You and I thought we were friends.

So when I get a phone call from a friend being like serious questions,

it makes me feel uncomfortable. Call me old-fashioned.
Nobody was angry, okay? We were laughing, okay? It wasn't like we were, you know, JT, why are you hanging out with Madison? It wasn't like that, you know? And if JT felt like there was an issue and we were true friends, why don't you just come to me instead of running behind my back? And's like because i was uncomfortable with the two of you on facetime how would you feel if two people called you on facetime they asked you intimate questions like do you lead a girl on before or after you have brinzino yes well i think it's probably not a great time to dive into the nitty-gritty. Out of respect for Madison, you know, his relationship I really care about.
He's giving the full Thomas Ravenel. Mayor hands, mayor hands.
Benito's like, you didn't come here to look cute, answer the question. And then Sally's like, well, you love to make accusations and then you don't give details.
Like, well, I don't need to dive into the details. I just need to drop sort of a general idea, start some rumors and be like, I'm a gentleman.
That's it. Yeah.
You do need to dive into details. It's part of the plot.
Just do it. So he's like, well, you know, it was just questions about whatabouts, whereabouts, whoseabouts, whoseits, what'sits, galore.

You know how it goes.

Were you on the beach?

Who were you with?

Who was in your room?

Who was there?

Did Austin have his penis in anything?

And I thought this was just going to be a routine call,

and it wasn't a routine call.

And then I talked to the boys at the driving range,

because that's what cool boys do, right boys? Driving rank. Madison finally comes through with some really solid evidence.
She's like, look, if my husband were jealous, he would not be happy about me filming my stupid motherfucking ex over there, Austin, and this fucker, Shep, and all the... Actually, maybe...
You don't even have a chance. So yeah, maybe he gets jealous.
You guys just don't have a chance to make him jealous. Yeah, so okay, I think about it that way instead.
And do you understand how that's relayed back to me? It's a friend. And he's like, it was relayed.
It was butchered. I never meant to say Brett thought we had sex.
I meant to say Brett thought we were having a torrid love affair and who could blame her?

Vanita,

you obviously,

I'm assuming you've spoken to JT about this

offline and you're close with Madison.

What do you think happened on the phone call?

And Vanita, who's

literally been staring at JT the whole time, she's like,

I can't

even look at him.

Look at me, Ms. Ross.
Hi, Leva here. Um, look.
Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. I mean, I get why Vanita's upset, you know? Like, there's a reason I don't go on these group trips.
And that's why you're fired, Leva. I know.
Oh, fuck Leva. And this leads into a fight with Leva and Craig that makes literally no sense, but it's fun to watch.
She's like, you know, it gets complicated, you know? Like, honestly, I think he just wanted, you know, it got blown out of proportion. It should have just been like, look, I had a weird call with Brett and Madison.
I don't really know how to navigate it, which I actually agree with. I agree with Leva on that point.
And Craig's like, go back to what JT said earlier, huh? She's like, no, you know your words, right, Craig? Use your words. What? Hey, hold on.
Jesus Christ. She's like, okay, well, anyway, as I was trying to say, uh.
Okay, well. Okay, I got it.

Craig's doing that thing where he just keeps going, uh,

and using, like, one-syllable words until you stop.

And, like, real housewives do it, but they're more eloquent.

You know, they'll be like, oh, I said what I said.

I said what I said.

Why are you coming after me when I just said what I said?

Don't be trying to talk to me when I just said that.

I was very eloquent when I said what I said.

But Craig's just like, why?

Arg. Arg.
Arg. No, don't gaslight me.
You're gaslighting me. I'm not gaslighting you.
You're gaslighting me. And they're getting into this fight.
And we're like, Jesus Christ, Leva. And she's like, I can't deal with this guy anymore.
Here's the thing. Leva is standing up for JT, which she should be in a moment.
But right now, JT did say that. He didn't say we were fucking or anything right now, but I saw the TV clip.
JT did say, what would you feel if Brett thought we were screwing or whatever he said? So he's kind of right, but Craig is so belligerent already. You know this is going to be a reunion of Craig lives, which I welcome.
Because whenever someone starts, they're like, I'm just a good little boy. I'm Carl 97.8.
I just cannot wait for that man to turn into a raging motherfucker again, you know? And so I love that Craig can't even keep it off her house. Carl 97.8.
Just gonna stay. This is the one.
This is the one that sticks. This one sticks.
I met a girl.

I met a girl at a softball game while her met her parents.

Her name is Lil.

I'm a new man.

Guys, we're starting over.

This is Carl Soft.0.

Yeah.

I wasn't going to go to the game.

I was like, I don't know if I want to go to a baseball game.

He said, don't worry, it's not a baseball game.

It's a softball game.

And I said, I'm there. Staying on brand.
So Craig has returned to belligerent Craig already. He's red-facing.
Oh, shut up. That's stupid.
She's like, do you have to be rude right now, Craig? Why are you being so rude right now? How long does it take you to ask a question? I'm just trying to say some words. You're being so rude right now, Craig.
No. You're saying...
Gift. Whoa.
Bye. Are there two of me talking right now? Do you think if Paige knew there was another one of me, she would date the other one of me instead? Hey, dude.
You need to be a man. And you need to say, I'm a man, and I lied.
That's what we need from you. I'm being a man and I'm telling you exactly what the fuck you said times ten.
Just say I Craig lied. Craig you have lost it Craig.
You have lost it Craig. Lost it.
He keeps calling me a liar. I didn't lie.
Like, Craig, you lie every single episode for every single show. It's been 10 years.
Leva's still getting in there. I was like, despite all of Craig's lies, Craig says the line that I know made Ronnie stand up and cheer in his room when Craig said, Leva, you said more today than you did the whole season.

I knew, I was like, that was for Ronnie.

That was for Ronnie.

So then Andy's like, well, Madison,

you commented on Instagram that you planned on apologizing

to JT at the reunion.

That should be funny.

Do it.

She's like, goddam it. Alright, well, I know how difficult it is to be short when you're a man.
Because I'm at the same eye level and I can see the disappointment in your eyes every time you can't get on a roller coaster. And I'm sorry for that.
I do genuinely care about our friendship that we never really had. She's like, it's been very sad.
And you know, it doesn't feel good this way. And I don't like not liking anyone.
But when you're not born for corn, I just don't know how far this friendship can really last. But you need to understand that my family, I'll go to the ends of the earth for my family.
I will go to the ends of the earth. I will go from the top of the corn all the way to the bottom of that stock for my family.
So they both apologize. They actually have a nice apology.
I'm like, finally, progress. And they move forward.
And JT's like, by the way, I just want to say while we're on this topic, I'm just going to add this. Like, if I was married and my wife and I called you on FaceTime during our Branzino dinner, and she deposed you, I think you would feel a little uncomfortable.
And they're like, oh, JT, you almost had a win. You almost had a win.
And you let it slip through your fingers. I never should have aired laundry that was dirty when you didn't have

the dirty laundry to air,

did you? Your dirty laundry

that I put up for the whole city to see.

Your husband thinking you were

banging me on the trunk of a...

He does that annoying

thing where he's like, how would you like it if you were

deposed? And she's like, well,

I mean, that's not nice. Oh, it's water

under the bridge. I think we're done here.
She's like, no, you can't just do that. So he really fucked it up.
Well, she's like, Dalili, you know, you are Dalili. It's fine, whatever.
So now we move on to Madison's relationship wasn't the only one under a microscope. Even the eternal bachelor, Sheppy, founding himself wading in unfamiliar waters with a new love interest, the former Miss Bahamas 21,

who had a look on her face like she smelled a fart

for 365 days straight.

Wow, what a slow car crash we all witnessed.

But I have a feeling Sienna would rather date a car crash

than Shep.

Okay, let's take a look. So, wow, what are you doing right now? You must be so busy.
I'm washing a surface. Wow, so, you know, you must not have much free time because you can't come see me.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I think our connection isn't working anyway.
Hey, I'm in the Bahamas. You want to watch me take off my clothes and put on other clothes? No, I'm going to go downstairs.
No, but they're all really good looking. I'm wearing tighty-whities.
Come back. I'm not here.
You're looking at a here. I've been working on my dad bod to prove that I can, what do you call it when people agree to be with each other? Commit.
I can commit. I'm not familiar.
I don't know who you are. Bye.
My name's not Sienna. My name is Joanne Fabrics, and I think you're talking to the wrong person.
I'm a total stranger. No need to follow me around anymore.
I'm coming to the age where even making a simple sentence is like a fucking game show. I mean, my God.
What do you call it? What do you call it? It's a thing. We're two people.
They say they'll be together. They'll stick together.
They'll commit. Thank you.
Yes. Alright, I just want to say, before we get into your

relationship, Shep, I just want

to say, you really have done a full

180 from BravoCon. You've gone

from getting wasted in Las Vegas to

wasted in the Bahamas. So, congratulations.

Absolutely amazing.

You got so wasted, you got

kicked out of BravoCon, and this year, you only

got kicked out of a casino in the Bahamas

and slept on a bench.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you know, I'm a

I'm a good little boy and I don't find getting drunk funny anymore. I find it horrifying when the night gets out of control.
So now when I go on a bender, I cry afterwards instead of laughing. But I still go on the bender because, you know, I can't help myself.
And Austin's like, yeah, I'll just go on. Like, Shep's been more fun lately than he's been so long.
He's been drunk the whole time, Austin. We know that Austin only cares if you're drunk and doing coke within the whole fucking time.
And he's got it. He's like, leave Shep alone.
I've already lost Craig. Shep is way better than he was.
My concern is at the risk of ending up where you don't want to be is still present, and I think if you were to stop working on yourself now, then you would end up back to where you were. I'm like, he is where he was.
He has not changed. Every man on this show is like, look how much I've changed.
None of you have changed. What are you talking about?

Craig's handing out sobriety chips.

You never got sober, sir.

We have not seen one day of it.

What are you acting like?

You just went a year.

I can't.

Wait, no, stop that.

I'm trying to do things that I love.

And whether that's maintaining friendships or travel or never having a job for the rest of my life.

I just want to do things to bring me joy. Masturbating to random girls on Rye brings me joy.
What do you want from me? All right, well, one of the biggest changes had to do with Sienna. You know, people were surprised that you fell hard for her.
They said, what would be attractive about a man who can't commit about finding a beautiful beauty queen

who's untouchable and very far away and will never be able to know what he's doing in his hometown. Crazy.
Crazy. What was he attractive? That's who he fell in love with.
You know, Andy is so, I love when Andy slides in a shady thing because he's like, well, I think a lot of viewers were surprised that you fell so hard because you've always been a playboy even when you're in a relationship with Taylor. Ha, ha, ha.
Taylor's like, uh-huh. Taylor, Taylor's best move this whole reunion is just her like, be Arthur in the Golden Girls look when someone says something offensive she's just like

get her a job at the DMV

because she is ready

no not this DMV

because the way she just looks at you

she's just like next

wow Sienna was

for lack of a better word intoxicating Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha missed Taylor That was the whole thing with Sienna I mean, look at Taylor. She's exactly like Sienna,

a beautiful black beauty queen from the Bahamas

with jobs and multiple offers.

Hey, is this one comfortable for you to be hearing, Taylor?

And she's like, no, I don't care about that girl

or that relationship because I don't have emotions anymore.

I've been ground to a pulp by the show, and now I am just an AI simulation of skin and mascara. So Andy wants Shep to apologize because on the show he said, you know, Sienna's different than Taylor.
She's smart. She's driven.
She's independent. You know, a lot of things Taylor wasn't excuse me Taylor is very driven she was handing out freebies at Republic to promote a drink so and well I mean look at what Shep's doing you know I went to the Canubas and Panubas it was amazing so Andy So Andy's like, well, Shep, you said this in season two.

And we see the clip of Shep when Thomas Ravenel is dating Catherine.

He's like, wow.

If I'm ever the guy who's like 46 in some bar,

hitting on some girl half his age,

just show me the fucking face of my right guard.

What a loser.

Out of nowhere, Cameron comes out with the gun. She's like, alright, Shepard, you asked for it.
I'm putting you down. Here to hold you, cannibal Shepard.
Leva goes, that didn't age well, which is funny. It works on multiple levels.
I know. Neither did anyone here.
Neither did any of the guys here. So Shep's like, yeah, well, you know, I probably said a lot of things I would take back, you know.
But hey, there's a whole movement of young women who are into older guys. Wow.
I'm so happy to hear that this is finally a thing. I was...
It's crazy. I was like, God, I just wish Erica Girardi would experience what an older man is like.
Ashley Darby, you know, like, if she understood the pleasures of the wrinkled flesh, Shep can show the way. The only guys that's not happening to is poor guys.
It's so weird. And Molly chimes in.
She's like, oh yeah, that's a thing. So Sally loves an older man.
And everyone's like, okay. So like, how old are you going? And Craig's like, 80.
And they start laughing. And she's like, oh, fuck y'all.
What's his name? Facebook, right? Facebook. Molly goes, I mean, I would do 50s.
I mean, I already fucked Whitney. I know, we don't like to be reminded of things, but you guys live in a historical town.
Every time you pass a statue, you have to be reminded of shit. It's like watching Southern Charm.
All the statues that need to be torn down. All right, it's nice that we let the ensemble members talk, but now let's get back to Shep.
All right, Shep, we got to talk about the text. All right, we got to talk about it.
And, of course, we get the flashback of, Karsh, one cannot hold back a heart that beats so readily in the still of night.

And if I know one thing,

your pretty little freckled lips

will say nothing but kisses and love going forth.

And so concludes my TED Talk.

You're like a beautiful clear bottle

that needs to be recycled. So I put it in a bin and wait for it to come out even clearer the next time.
It's still full of water, you dewy fucking beaut. Andy's like, wow, that was swingers level bad.
And then they cut to all the younger women on this cast who are like, what? They're like, Shep is a swinger? What the fuck is that? So Shep, Andy's like, well, what were you thinking when you sent that? And actually, I have to move my chair to do the full... Well, I was...
I was up until 6 a.m. And I couldn't stop thinking about it.
It was a lot. But it was totally cool.
I was totally sure about it. And it was a lot.
It was a lot. But you know what? Everything was fine.
And I was like, I have to do some sex. But everything is totally fine.
It's a plot line on all these shows that someone wants to do, like, foot porn, you know?

Like on Vanderpump Rules, when the girl's like, let's raise money by doing foot porn.

Shep could do it.

Shep could provide energy for so many homes with the wind power he generates from his foot.

I know there's a crackdown on the EPA, but, like, you can't spell EPA without spelling Shepherd. Or I guess the other way around.
So, yeah, well, you know, Shep knew prior to going that he was probably going to get dumped. And he said, I'm going to look like the biggest tool.
America's going to love me. And I was like, good luck, bro.
Good luck. And Rodrigo goes, yeah, it was a weird day for freckled lips.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

see you next season, Andy.

Ryan's, Ryan's backstage, like,

I would have been a funnier gay.

So Molly's like, you know,

that's like really powerful to be vulnerable.

It's like when I went to that gelato shop and I got a latte and a gelato.

Yeah, that was a vulnerable moment for me.

I don't know if you've done a lot in the past,

and I just don't want you to lose that vulnerability, Shep,

because she hurt you, because your vulnerability is an amazing thing.

Hey, do you want to hear a song I wrote about vulnerability?

It goes like this.

Wow!

Wow!

There's part of me that's like, wow,

Shep's getting a taste of his own medicine,

so what does

penicillin taste like, Shep?

Vulnerability is a big point of mine these days.

Getting your heart broken, you can turn that into something useful,

like, I don't know, a wonderful bender that lasts four days.

You know, being vulnerable and going through so much trauma,

it ended up getting my dad so many American Airlines miles. I went to Cuba.
So he's like, yeah, you know, I was in the Bahamas on a boat with her family and friends. Well, that doesn't sound like she has any money at all, which makes this interesting.
And she said, I want you to buy me that house. And I was like, honey, I can't afford that house.
But then she went to a Forbes conference, and she had a business idea. And she met a guy, and he's a Denver Bronco.
So he said he would fund her business. And boom, she wanted to marry him.
I was like, you are such a fucking asshole, sir. That is so low.
And he's been doing it for weeks. But now he came with a longer story story of like, she doesn't like me because she's just a gold digging whore.
And you know what gold digging whores want to do with the money they get? They want to open women's health consulting online businesses. It's like, you should have left that part out, Shep.
She just wants to help poor people get health insurance. What a bitch.
I mean, what kind of miserable person dumps a guy with the body of a salmon for for a successful rich man with a body like stone? I mean, it just doesn't make sense. I don't understand what her motivations were.
So she's like, he's like, yeah, it turned out this guy was a Denver Bronco, and, you know, he showed up at this conference with a big, long, hard, veiny, pulsating... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are we camping? You're giving me a tent here. Alright, could you just get to the point? Credit card! Credit card!

Oh. Damn.

You had a black Amex? He's like, yeah!

And I only have a platinum Amex!

Oh.

So Shep is like, by the way,

I have a friend whose

husband is a Denver Bronco

or maybe has a

Ford Bronco, whatever.

They say

that he's on the starting

Thank you. husband has a Denver Bronco or maybe has a Ford Bronco, whatever.

They say that he's on the starting

bench now, so oh well,

look at her, bitch

of the year.

Yeah, I know a coach, so I get all

the skinny. Thank you for

coming to my TED Talk.

If she wound up

with a Denver Bronco,

I've never been more proud

of her because she deserves

Thank you. into my TED Talk.
If she wound up with a Denver Bronco, I've never been more proud of her because she deserves that. She should not be wasting her pretty on Shep because she has a lot of pretty.
A lot of pretty. And Shep has a lot of earwax.
Molly's like, yeah, you see? That was her deal you know it's not your deal so like your deal is your deal and her deal is her deal Molly girl I like you but I just want to fast forward two seasons when you're on the other side of the couch crying sobbing probably holding a baby at this point wondering why this man cheated on you 20 times with 20-year-olds. Just stop.
So, have you spoken since the show aired with the Sienna? Yeah. She texted me the other day and said, you're sharing intimate details of our relationship.
And I said, you're sharing intimate details of your freckles on your pretty little lips. And she said, I didn't sign up for this.
And he's like, and I was like, his guilt ankle is still shaking. What? And Molly goes, yeah, girl, yes, you did.
You were searching for this on Raya. No, that girl stayed off of TV.
Like, give the girl a break. She wasn't coming here begging to be on TV.
Every time he was trying to get her to break up with them on TV, she refused. Leave the girl alone.
Yeah. They tried to make it seem like she was a stalker, and we're already like, oh, look at this one.
She just wants to be on TV. She could not have stayed farther away from those cameras.
She's the person on Bravo who's wanted to be on that channel the least out of any show that we've ever seen. You were very open about wanting

to get married and settle down in Siena.

Do you still feel like that's something you want

if you met the right person?

He's like, yeah.

Well, what about Molly?

Molly's like, oh my god, I just got

excited slash anxious.

Well, Molly and Shep got a lot of audience response when it came to your friendship. Like, I love how little chemistry they have.
Or, who is that girl with the tuba anyway? Or, Shep has more chemistry with a can of tuna than Molly. Chris from Co.
even said, Molly has the face of a teenager watching their parents unable to talk in a carpool line because they're stuck on a game called Wordle. Molly's just like...
You know, Shep is like, well, I didn't go after Molly because I thought I was in another relationship. And Molly's like, exactly.
I wasn't going to throw myself at Shep when I could throw myself to my tuba. So he's like, so you guys made out at the finale.
Did you bone? And Molly's like, yeah. Yeah, we did.
It was like the greatest form in this of my life. It was really, really good.
Yeah. Yeah, we did.
We did. It was like the greatest form in this of my life.
It was really, really good. Yeah, it happened twice.
Gosh! So Andy's like, okay. Not more than twice.
I couldn't. I was in Shinuba Renuba Grenadines.
All right, Madison, you've been friends with Molly for a long time. Do you think those two could be a love match? Is anyone actually interested in these questions I'm asking right now? Well, this version of Shep that's pretending to be a decent person, sure.
But the old washed-up, payless leather version with wooden teeth and the daddy's racist probably and sits on Phoenician shutters in every goddamn house and throws cans at homeless people's

heads. Probably not.

Alright,

Shep, we're going to leave it there and take a quick

break. Alright, we're back!

Alright, we are back

with the Southern Charm Reunion as the moment

everyone's been waiting for. What's been going

on with JT and Vanita?

The pressing question on America's mind.

Vanita, you have not stopped staring at JT this entire...

She's like, no, I'm not.

I can't even see him.

The lights are so bright.

Well, Miss Ross, still going to say it.

So people are saying that your relationship was fake.

She's like, they can fuck off.

All right, whoa, okay.

That was exciting. Now let me assure you, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haers, Andy.
Charles, Charles. Charles, he has a name.
I'm not paid to be on this goddamn show. If you want me in another scene, you'll get me a goddamn contract.
Charles, you don't know this, but Charles wears a turban and giant big rimmed glasses off camera. So she's a lovely, lovely girl.
I cannot speak highly of Anita. She is one of the most highly reputable ladies that I've ever dumped and ghosted.
Lara, when did you realize there was something going on between them? Well, I picked up on the chemistry on the bus to Madison's party when I was like, why does this feel gross in here all of a sudden?

I like saw him sweating and I was like,

why is that guy always sweating?

And then I saw Vanita looking at him sweating

and I was like, that's the only person

who can stand to look at that fucking douchebag sweating.

And I was like, oh my God, Vanita needs a storyline.

So then they're asking if they made out

or something like that. And JT's like, I'll let the ladies speak on behalf of Val.
So they're saying, did that happen? And they're basically asking him if they boned, you know? And Chef's like, did it? Did it happen? Did you Ori? She's like, you tell him, JT.

JT, why don't you tell him?

He goes,

no, we didn't bang it out.

And so she's like,

okay, classy.

Well, did you at least make out?

I'll let the lady speak

on behalf of that.

Lady, hold on.

Let me put my jacket

over this ottoman

in case you'd like to walk over it

to come to my side.

She's like,

we did make out. And finally, Andy goes, all right, with all tea, why weren't you guys fucking? And she's like, we weren't sure.
We were just trying to take it one day at a time. Oh, I've tried that.
It's bullshit. Don't do it.
Ayahuasca retreats. That's where it's at.
Well, one of the biggest surprises was when you brought up your girlfriend to Vanita after she invited you over to her house for Branzino. Why keep your girlfriend secret? Was she even real in the first place? So, talk about why you're keeping her a secret, and JT goes, Yeah, well, we are there.
That was the corner of first and main and story. JT, you didn't come better prepared than this? We're all confused over that.
I mean, no one more than me. This keeps me up at night.
When I saw this preview and Vanita's like, I'm getting my phone. I have receipts.
I was like, do you? Because what the fuck is going on? What Marvel Universe is this? and Vanita's like I'm getting my phone I have receipts I was like do you because what the fuck is going on what Marvel universe is this okay here's their timeline let's just simplify it supposedly they went to dinner with his girlfriend and bunny the mom which I still can't get over and just come here bunny bunny bunny bunny so they went to dinner with them, and she met the girlfriend, right? So then they started filming the show, and they were pretending to flirt while she supposedly knew he had a girlfriend. But then they went to the Bahamas, and then she tried to bang him.
And he's like, but wait, I have a girlfriend. And then she was like, but I don't care.
That girl's getting crumbs or whatever. And then he keeps flirting with her, by the way.
I need to add in there. He keeps looking through our eyes and going, well, we've just got such chemistry.
So then she makes him a Branzino and he's like, by the way, I have a girlfriend. She's like, what? So then after the season finishes, then she started dating him again.
He broke up with that girlfriend. And then she says he ghosted him, but he says she ghosted.
Wait. He says she ghosted her.
What am I saying? They're saying they ghosted each other. And then he went Instagram famous with his girlfriend, right? She said that she went out of town.
She came back. They started dating.

And they had a few weeks where they were dating and talking every night.

And then the super teaser for the show dropped.

And everyone was like, oh, my God, Vanita has a storyline.

And then that's when the girlfriend was like, now wait a second.

And she called up and was like, you better stop dating Jarrett.

Oh, yeah.

She wrote her the nasty message on the thing.

And now Vanina's mad.

Yeah, that's a lot of shit I don't understand.

Okay?

Here's what I can understand.

He's leading her on even though he's dating this other girl.

And then he starts kind of having it both ways where he gets a good storyline with a cute girl.

And then still banging this girl on the side.

But then this girl probably breaks up with him when she starts seeing footage.

And then so he's like, well, fuck it.

I'm broken up with.

I'll start dating Vanita.

But then she sees a super teaser, and she's like, oh, hell no.

I'm not losing this one.

Get your ass back over here and put it on Instagram.

And he's like, okay.

And Vanita's like, well, but I used all my fish.

Either way. Sure.
Vanita, get more self-respect. And JT, stop leading people on.
You're so fucking lucky you can even get a half of a person to lead on to. Get the fuck out of here, JT.
Well, I liked Andy, who was like, well, JT, last year, in the group, you performed a fuckboy exorcism, but it seems like the fuckboy went to you. He's like, oh.
Well, I didn't fuck her, so I guess it doesn't go to me. I was like, oh.
And then Austin goes, how the tables have turned. I'm like, yes, those tables have a lot of saliva on them now.
Jesus. So then they start arguing over these DMs that the girlfriend sent him.
And Vanita's like, I told you to do something about it. And you said I can't do anything about it.
And then I said, shit, I got to pump the brakes. And I was like, girl, you would have been in a wreck so long ago if you were driving.
Your instincts are late, but at least they're there.

So she

says, remember when I texted you, I was like,

I need a second. And then you ghosted me

for a week, he says. You ghosted me, and

it hurt my feelings. But then in all the

interviews, she's saying that he ghosted

her. This whole thing is too confusing,

and it's too non-interesting to

be this confusing. And you can

see when she's like,

I'm going to go get my phone. You can see Andy

Thank you. and she's like, fine, I'm gonna get my phone.
He goes, you go get it then. And she's like.
And then she can't get out the door. And then Andy tells her, what are you doing? You're going out a set door.
This door doesn't open. She's like, I'm going out looking cute.

And then, of course,

to cap it off, Molly

literally goes, receipts,

proof, timeline,

everything!

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, Washington, D.C., for a

great night. We love

you guys. Oh my God, there's so many of you.
Thank you Washington D.C. for a great night.
Thank you so much. We love you guys.
Oh my God. There's so many of you.
Thank you. Thank you.
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