#2781 Summer House S907 Live in Philly: Toe To Toe

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Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? You're in Philadelphia. Cherry blossom season.
What a gorgeous fucking time in this city.

Wow.

Yeah.

You know, you guys, I mean, first of all, we always have the best time when we come here to Philadelphia.

And you guys are always having the best time, especially now that you guys are Super Bowl champions.

Yeah.

But, um, yeah. yeah but um yeah what the ronnie that's that's a football team ronnie i feel like you're all about to kill me he's like why are they doing a chant for olivia aiden i'm an eagle i'm an eagle um but we so last night we were in dc and uh you guys checking on your friends in dc they're kind of going through it right now poor things poor things they're all like oh have you been reading the news me neither what a way to live actually we said, actually, I should read the news and see if they're, it was horrifying, okay? Horrifying.
You know how much eggs are? So I opened the news and the first thing was a gigantic picture of Putin. Like, ha ha.
That guy is so fucking happy. I'll say whatever's going on over there, I don't read much.
Potatoes make you happy. It's proof.
That man is happy. I don't know what the fuck he's doing, but he's smiling like a loon.
And his skin looks so good. I didn't know they had, like, good Botox or whatever in Russia.
Yeah. No, it's actually not Botox.
It's just the blood of dissenters that they just kill and just... That's what we do to TLC people.

Why am I not gorgeous?

You know what is hilarious about this?

So backstage, we're sitting there.

We're like, well, what should we talk about at the top of the show?

We're like, I don't know.

Did anything happen this weekend?

I don't know.

I don't know what we're going to talk about.

And now we're up here and Ronnie's like, Putin.

I'm sorry. His skin looks really good.
That's all I had to say. That's my news update for you.
Well, we traveled today, so we came in on the train, which is so nice. Let me say, every town from there to here, what did you say to that show? What was that show with that girl from the Titanic? It was that murder show? Was it? Mayor of Easttown.
Yeah, Mayor of Easttown. There were so many towns that looked like Mayor of Easttown.
Ben was like, this looks like an H. Because I was like, aren't these towns cute? Because we passed these little houses and then this little church.
And right when I said that, he turned around and it was like a burnt down building it was like crumbling warehouses and broken glass and i was like i was i was like murder durder but um yeah why is it that when you said what was that hbo show with the with the girl from titanic why was that my first instinct was i think the old lady who throws the jewel off the edge. I was like, what show was she in? Speaking of HBO, we have to say, this is a Sunday night, and we want to thank you for coming here, because we know the White Lotus is on tonight.
You could be home watching White People Lotus, but you're here instead, so thank you. Are you guys watching the White Lotus?

So I know it's great, and Popper, no!

I was thinking about it, because tonight we're up.

There's a tsunami, Popper.

Mayor of Easttown.

There has been a murder.

I'm going to find out who did it.

I'm going to get a sandwich at Wawa.

That's right.

I pander to White Lotus fans and Philadelphians.

Parker Posey and Mayor of Easttown.

So I was thinking about it before.

I was like, you know, because we're talking about Summer House tonight.

Which, by the way, such a good episode.

Oh, thank God.

We got a classic.

We got an instant classic for here.

Toe sucking.

The turning of a man just into shit.

Which we all knew was coming, you know.

The turning of a man into shit.

We just know it's coming on Summer House. We finally got it.
Yeah, we caught it right here. But I was thinking that Summer House is really not that different from The White Lotus.
Right? It's a bunch of spoiled-ass rich people who you want to see die at some point. Right? When is Paige going to kill Craig? That's all we want to know.

How does it happen? When does it happen?

You know it's going to.

It's just when.

Like, Walton Goggins,

Rick and Chelsea are kind of like Kyle and Amanda.

Oh, Walton Goggins?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, like sad Kyle, I guess.

Kyle and he's like, but I care about Seltzer.

I want to kill the man who stole my spritzer. We were on the train earlier thinking about how old we're getting because, well, we are.
And we were walking around. I watched that show Adolescence on Netflix.
Did you watch that? Everybody's like, oh, my God, Adolescence, the best thing in the world. It's just little kid killer.
Oh, every kid I saw today, I was like, get away from me, you little fucker. I don't trust any of them now.
Last week, I loved them. I saw a baby today in a stroller.
I was like, listen to me, you little fucker. Look the other way.
Yeah. I'm still bigger than you.
Yeah, I...

Listen, if you just never trusted children

in the first place, you're set.

Then just watch Adolescence.

It was like, told ya.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't need to watch a four-part show

to know what I already know.

They're all killers and demons, okay?

But we were kind of stumbling onto the train

thinking like, oh, we're not young anymore.

You know, we got to sleep till 10 and we're still like literally... train's not even moving and we're like oh god you know uh but we kind of came to a cross because i was like let's start at the end of the train that way we don't have to wait in this line for all these people but of course the seats were numbered backwards because that's how you do it on the east coast to trick all the southerners so we went the other, but then we went to a head-to-head with this old couple.
Oh, no. They were in the wrong car or something.
So I'm sure you guys all have been there. When the piece of paper comes out, it's like, I'm pretty sure it was C12C.
Are you C12C? It is C12. I have it right here.
Look, the paper says C12.

And he showed me.

He's like, does it say C12?

I said, it says C12.

Why is that lady sitting in C12?

Why?

She's like, I'm in C12, sir.

That is it.

I already have my ticket.

He's like, well, I have a ticket too.

He has a ticket.

Have you seen his ticket?

And then the wife goes, they double booked us.

Popper, no. And then I fell in love.
I think it might be time for me to get a boyfriend because we were getting something from the blue bottle at the train station. Which, by the way, I mean, the coffee is fine, but everything's in paper and they still have paper straws.
I'm going back to Starbucks. There, I said it.
But we got a coffee there,

and there was a guy there who was so cute.

He was just like so little and pale and hairless.

He looked so weak.

It was Wallace Shawn.

He looked so weak.

I was like, I can put it.

Who was it?

I said it was Wallace Shawn.

That's a sports thing, huh?

Who's that? Who's Wallace Shawn? He's one of the lost Kelsey brothers. That's a sports thing.
Wallace Shawn! Wallace Shawn! You know, like... What did he say from Princess Bride? Inconceivable! Oh.
Anyway, go on. So I fell in love with this little weak person, you know know and then i always think everything's going to be like a romance movie so we got on the train and he was right in front of us and i was like well on the other side so i could like look at him the whole time i was like oh my god score i have someone to stalk so i'm looking at this guy and i'm like it was like fate right i saw him at the blue bottle i saw him now we saw that little adolescent thing together and both looked at it like, fuck no.
You know, I was like, I'm marrying this weak person. So then halfway through the train, this lady comes over and she's like, honey, there's room where I'm sitting now.
And I was like, that bitch. And then for the rest of the time, I even walked to the bathroom just so I could see them sitting happily.
And then the train was wobbling and I kind of fell on him. I was like, oh, I'm so sorry.
And then I

just don't like this to the girl. I was like,

bitch. Might be time to get

married, you guys. It's getting sad out there.

It's fun times

on the old Acela train, people.

Now I

know what it's like to be Danielle on Summerhouse.

Guys, I made it. I'm here from the drain did you have too much fun without me don't start club sending yet as I walked all the way to the bathroom I thought god if only I had skin like Putin's I would have totally won that one alright welcome to an evening of Summerhausen.

Hey, and can we give a shout out to some of our Patreon premium

sponsors that are in the audience?

We got

Havanagila Webster.

Weber, sorry.

Anyone else here? Any other

premium sponsors?

Oh my god, Alison King!

Ain't nothing like Alison King!

And that's it.

We killed the rest.

I thought you were going to drop a scroll.

All right.

Previously, on Summer House,

Sierra got mad.

Oh, sorry.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Paige.

Thanks, other me.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Go ahead, Paige.

Thanks. Thanks, other me.

Sierra was mad after West ghosted her and then did a New York Times article

saying he wasn't into her.

You're an idiot. Your hair is stupid

and I hope you die in a fire.

Uh-huh.

Don't bully me. I'm just a boy.

Also, there's a new really skeevy guy in the house named Emeril. I haven't used so much hand sanitizer since the pandemic.
Orgies, am I right? Gross. Carl's still sober and planning to open a soda machine.

Oh.

It's called Softbar.

Okay.

He's going to open a coffee shop with a soda machine.

It's called Softbar.

Okay.

He's going to rent a van to serve soda out of from a soda machine for men with erectile dysfunction. Thanks.
I'm Carl, 9.0. I'm soft.
I believe in tenderness, hugs, and brick and mortar. Also, I found a new love interest, and her name is Lil.
You give huge lemur energy. Huh.
Is that good? Are lemurs soft? Huh. I hope not, because I want to fuck a lemur.
Oh, softly, softly. Huh, please.
There's also a new girl named Lexi. She's really into lip liner and guys with huge mouths.
I love your juicy booty. I'm like so insecure about it.
It's so hard being a model. Give me your booty.
Not until you're committed to me, my mom, and my crazy-faced sister. I haven't had sex with a stranger in more than a week, so we're basically married.
Oh, yeah. And there's been a miracle in the summer house.
Jessica Tandy is pregnant. And that by her ex-fiance, Soft Carl.
Guys, I have an announcement to me. I'm having a baby, and I'm putting a big poster of the sonogram in Carl's room.
Oh, I'm going to stand in the kitchen and try not to feel things. I'm soft.
I'm soft. Oh.
And me, I'm trying to find a way to subtly break up with my boyfriend so the internet doesn't tear me limb from limb when it's announced. Chicken.
I can't wait till we're married and you can stop this career nonsense and make tiny versions of me to inherit my pillow empire.

Craig, last night I had a dream that I murdered you

in your sleep

and then I showed up to our wedding

alone and I partied with everybody to celebrate

your dad.

You dreamt that we

had a wedding?

When's it gonna

be?

He's not getting the hint and see so we open where we left off last time I'm in honor of Carl I will have a soft drink T.M. T.M.

T.M.

Is that Diet Coke? Soft?

So we left last week with a pirate party

that Carl's throwing

in honor of, I don't know,

I don't really know, but he's

wearing a lot of guyliner and Jesus

sandals.

We caught a close-up of his sandals today, and I was like, wow. Do pirates wear gladiator sandals? It's like, shiver me timbers, but also are you not entertained? So they're partying, and Amanda's trying to have fun because she's married to an alcoholic, you know? And you've got to try and come along with the ride.
So every once in a while, she does. And Carl's just walking around like, Hey, boy, matey.
Hey, boy, matey. Hey, Amanda, you look hot.
And she's like, things. She's dressed like a parrot.
And he's like, hey, Amanda, I always wanted to fuck a parrot. Actually, technically, he said, I always wanted to date a pirate.
And she goes, I'm a parrot, though. Oh.
Well, then you must know where there's a pirate. Polly wants some guacamole.
So then we go to Craig and Paige, who's found a floaty to lay down on, of course. like it's like a bed yeah they're in a raft in Carl's fake pirate pool because he put down a tarp to represent the ocean but it's nothing like the ocean so they're just sitting on inflatables on a tarp Carl will still find a way to drown in that that man is is weak.
He still is underperforming, even with his tarp work. So Kyle's like, that's just incidental.
That has nothing to do with what's going on. So Paige and Craig have just had a conversation where Craig is like, do you love me? and she's like, um, I'm going to give you an annual review and then we'll see if you're fired or not.
And he's like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So she's like, it wasn't a joke.
Craig is wearing his pirate hat and his guyliner and his shirt's open. Did you that he has a big tattoo here of page except it's like a satanic pirate page she like has murder in her eyes like blood dripping down her face i was like wow how did you get your future on your chest because this is going to actually happen in six weeks this is the version you're about to get so uh crowd comes over because he wants to talk about the squirt companies with Carl.
The Spritz, sorry. The Spritz company.
Sorry, that's Emeril's company. The squirt.
He's like, hey, you wanna talk about Spritzers? And, uh, Craig's like, uh, I don't know if I'm ready right now. He's like, this looks romantic, you know, can I change spots with you, Craig.
And she's like, I don't know if I'm ready right now. He's like, this looks romantic.
Can I change spots with you, Craig? And she's like, oh my god, please, please change spots with me. I'm getting seasick.
The letter C. I'm Craig sick.
Please, just sit right here. Sit right here.
Craig is saying that he doesn't feel valued, and he's worried about how the tour is going to affect our relationship. I'm not going away to war.
It's three months and I'm going to be just traveling a lot. And I've also said he could come to any stop he wants to.
And you're just going to stress me out because you don't feel checked in on enough? This was the stupidest decision to ever date this man I ever had in my life. Who gets jealous of tour? It's three months of smelling Hannah's farts on a bus.
Craig's like, I want to talk to you, but I'm not going to get a drink, okay? I'm not leaving. Just wait here right on this raft, Kyle.
Kyle's like, all right, bro. All right.
And Craig just never comes back. I know.
It was sort of like an obnoxious power move, but I was actually thankful for it because just watching Kyle sitting in that dinghy, he looked like, did he know that he could get out of the dinghy? He was like, I gotta wait for mom to come back before she unlocks the door so I can get out of the dinghy. He's just sitting there just sad and alone, wanting to DJ something.
so this is West and Jesse's second season on the show and they're in that

they're still in that state of like amazement

that they're like kind of like mediocre guys

that are now getting all the boobies that they want to because they're on TV. So they don't know.
It's like me standing in the middle of 10 waiters holding hors d'oeuvres. I'm just like...
They're falling down. I don't even care.
I'll just pick it up off the ground that's how they are they're both doing this and so jesse's like hey hey hey you guys married you guys you married huh and she's like yeah i have a husband he goes oh yeah yeah congrats congrats yeah i'm actually seeing someone or just asking for you? She's not here this weekend, though. And she goes, yeah, but doesn't all this partying get old? And he's like, huh? What do you mean? He's like, yeah, you know, don't you ever just want to go hang out with your girlfriend? And he's like...
This summer I thought I'd be dating girls and having fun, but i don't want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with lexi unless it involves that you know me having sex with someone else i could do that so i'm just like trying not to you know flirt with him and that's really it again except for sex and you know just gonna make conversation and sex and you know just You know, if those people happen to have a vagina, I have sex with them. You know, that's just what happens.
Hey! How come this dinghy doesn't have a cup holder? Seems like kind of a missed opportunity. Hey, dinghy, you don't support lover boy.
I deserve an apology. Kyle's trying to connect his Bluetooth to the dingy.
I was just thinking of Apple Play. It's time for a commercial.
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so then we cut to Carl and Lil

and podcasts. You can listen to even the Royals early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus.
So then we cut to Carl and Lil, and Lil is like, oh my god, I'm like a mermaid. Like, Carl, you could have hired me to be a mermaid in your not-water tarp.
Oh my god. Anyway, magicians are dope.
I was like, what transition? She's like, yeah, first of all, magicians are dope. What transition was that? What was that? Like, oh my God, I'm like a mermaid.
Anyway, magicians, the best. Am I right? And when I have free time, I would love to A, go to magic school, or B, learn magic.
I think A and B are the same thing. I hate to break it to you.
I want to either go to school or I want to learn something out of school. You know what I have in my purse at all times? Cards.
But I don't know any tricks. Oh, you're ready for some magic.
What the fuck is wrong with this girl? She has that. She, she's like magicking and mermaiding but I'm just carrying cards just in case.
She just has magic cards on spec. She's like, well I'm pretty sure I'll learn magic someday so let's just get these in here because when the time comes I'll be ready.
In case I run into a sorcerer in the Hamptons. So Gabby's watching this and she's like, oh my God, that girl has cards.
You know that Carl met her parents at a soccer game. That's how they know each other.
And Emeril's like, oh, yeah, I fucked her parents.

Fucked them both.

I'm into, like, poly-parentism, you know?

It's hot.

It's really fucking hot.

Hey, Lil, I don't know if I told you this,

because I feel like there's one person at this party

I may not have told this yet,

but I'm launching a new business.

Are you thinking of a jack?

I haven't jacked since last summer.

Fair.

It's called Soft Bar, which informs the whole jack thing.

And it's a bar and a cafe.

And get this.

It doesn't serve alcohol.

Oh, my God.

Like, the way you're boldly making an effort

not to earn profit.

Yeah.

You're like an actual magician.

Can you have open mic night?

As if this concept couldn't get any worse

as Lil on the mic

posting amateur hour

like at Showtime at the Apollo.

Oh my god. Guess what? I go hard for a soft bar.
You can use that. Okay.
Yeah, that was really good. I actually, I'm a little shocked I didn't think of that myself.
So I'm doing a friends and family event. It's basically just be my mom and my stepdad hanging out, drinking Diet Coke or you want to come by.
You can invite your parents.

After my last relationship,

the most important thing to me is to have someone that believes in me.

Cut to Lindsay being like,

do I think that you're crushing life

right now, Carl? No.

And I'm also

pretty disturbed by this bleach blonde hair situation you got going on in this flashback. You don't think I'm crushing life? You're jobless.
What are you talking about? You're jobless and you spent like a hundred grand of her money to buy podcast equipment. Hi, this is podcast equipment.
Okay? This is it. A $10 table from a Target and two $40 mics from God knows where this thing has been.
I'm not jobless. I have a soda in my bag.
I don't know how to use it, but I'm hoping that someday I'll understand soft drinks and then I'll be able to use it. Kind of like magic.
Let me tell you this. As a magician and a mermaid, I just want you to flourish, lemur.
Flourish. Flourish, lemur.
Flourish. I don't know what's going to happen with these two, but hire that fucking crazy person.
Hire her right now. This is the best casting we've ever seen.
Her parents even showed up later in the episode. They're like, hi, honey.
Did you try any magic tricks? If you have Lil at that soft bar, no one is going to believe that this is a place that's substance-free. People would be like, okay, where's the speakeasy? So Carl goes, so she's like, yeah, I just want to watch you fucking floor.
She goes, cool, I'm going to get you an invitation. I was like, Carl, you can't even commit to giving her an invitation.
She's like, I'm going to get you one. I'm going to see if someone can get you an invitation.
I can't wait to get you an invitation to the van. I'm going to park in Williamsburg by a park.
All right. Let's wait for that.
Meanwhile, Kyle's just like, hey! Did I fuck a parrot or is that in my head? Craig has got into the house. He has peed.
And now he's examining every snack item available. He's actually trying to fix that front door, so he's going to be occupied for another hour.

Don't they show Craig in a bedroom just eating chips,

looking in the mirror?

Yeah, staring in the mirror at himself like,

I think this will be really good for the Sewing Down South social.

I'm a leader of industry now.

He can wait on my time.

I'm not only a chip eater, I'm a leader of industry now. He can wait on my time.
I'm not only a chip eater,

I'm a storyteller.

So,

Wes sees Sierra.

So, Wes is with Sierra and Jesse,

and he's just, you know,

binging kind of on everything.

And Sierra's like,

I'm hot.

And he's like,

I'm just like so scared of Sierra, you know? And Jesse's like, come on, man. Give her a hug.
Do it, bro. You guys can do it.
Make up. I gotta say he does that.
He does this head jerk thing to make you agree with him. It's kind of like Bronwyn from Salt Lake City, who's always talking like this.
She's like, mm-hmm. So you're a low-life piece of shit.
You agree, yes? Mm-hmm. It's kind of like that.
It's like, bro. West is like, you know what? I get what Jesse's trying to do.
And like last summer was like fucking great because it was like a great trio. We were like Scotty Pippin and Jordan and Rodman.

No, you were like the siblings on the White Lotus, okay?

If you know what I'm saying.

No, I never wanted to see any of these people, fuck.

That's for sure.

Sorry.

By the way, he has to be careful

because you're on Bravo

and when you say we're like Pippin and Jordan,

that means Larsa and Marcus to us it's a very different analogy what an honor like it's just like oh sorry Larsa who's that Larsa it's an honor to be invited to Summer House yeah like it's really good to be here like you know what I like carry around cards in my purse but I like don't even like know why like Marcus would fit in well I mean I've seen the headlines so West is like I'm just so hard being so awkward around someone who's so mean to me just because I wasn't into her.

He's walking around with

a guideline smeared down his face.

His belly hanging out. He's got like

ho-ho crumbs smeared on his cheek.

And he's wearing rainbow-colored

parrot wings on his

back, which I don't think is going to help you at a straight party.

No. There are no gay people on this

cast, sir. He's going off banging people on futons and coming back on camera to be like, oh, my life is sucks now.
So, Sierra? I don't think he's getting laid, though, because look at this part. Every time he comes back to the house, he's like, yeah, I got some maybe on a futon, right? Maybe.
But then look at this house. Everyone was like, hi.
Oh, hi. No one's letting that inside of them.
I'm calling it now. So Sierra and Jesse are talking.
He makes her take off her giant pelican beak. And he's like, wow, that costume, you really commit hard, huh? And she goes, you think I commit hard? Yeah, like with my boy.
And she's like. But she's like, ha ha, Jesse Solomon.
Because they're kind of flirting. So then Wes meets some new girl.
And she's like, I like your outfit. And he goes, yeah, I mean, it's okay.
She's like, mm. She walks away.
So then Jesse's like, yeah, you're still giving negative energy towards Wes. And he's just trying to figure out what he's supposed to do.
He just wants to fully move on. And she's like, well, you might suggest, I don't know, cyanide, razors, maybe putting his lips around a tailpipe and just letting me press the gas.
With it being in park, of course. That would be awkward,'s like she's like damn it she like sets up a murder scheme and then drives away from it now that's the summer house cast in white lotus they just bung bungle every murder.
So basically she's like, yeah, he used me for an entire summer and fuck him. And I say, I agree.
So thank you. So Kyle's just still on that dinghy.
At this point, he's found a volleyball and drawn a face on it. Elson.
So then Wes sees Sierra and Jess talking, and he's like, man, a lot of conversations going on on that island. So Sierra's like, yeah, well, you know how when you don't like somebody, you know how there's like when a homely person there and you don't like them but they're like but I like you and you're like no one else is here so you give them a chance yeah that's what happened he's like hey so what's the problem why don't you just give me a chance if it was that easy I I'm sitting here too.
She's like, well, Jesse called.

I mean, well, she's like, well, why didn't you try?

And he's like, well, because my boy called dibs.

And she's, yeah, yeah, no, that's gross.

So she's like, Jesse Solomon, don't let whoever stop you from finding your wife, okay?

And he's like, don't hear that.

We're not empowering jesse solomon today he's like yeah are you saying don't let lexi stop me from having you and he's like kissing her hand and she's like yeah this is like the first time i'm hearing him say that he's interested in me like honestly last year it was fair game i mean everyone here is mediocre i could have picked any one of them it is so fun every season watching supermodel sierra come on to the show and slowly lower her standards every week until by the end of the summer she's boning someone like Austin. She's like,

it's sad.

It's like Southern charm over and over again.

Every season.

They're like,

here's the new fresh crop of 25 year olds.

Abuse them boys.

She's like,

my horniness has outweighed my standards.

Okay.

Bring them in.

It's like that line.

And is it dazed and confused or Matthew McConaughey is like, yeah, I just keep coming back to high school because I keep getting older, but they all stay the same age. So Carl's like, hey! Rubbing up a yucky two in a tub.
Spider went down the drain and out came my chub. Chub, chubub-a-chub-a-chub-a-chub-a-chub Chub-a-chub-a-chub And meanwhile, Craig's like, Hi, Captain of Industry.
If you guys want to hear some pillow discounts if you're ever sewing down south. So Craig finally gets back into the dinghy, which is such a funny thing to say.
And he gets in and he just goes, I was going to find you and he's like it's alright bro it's alright bro it's alright bro okay so Jesse's watching this and he's like yeah look at that over there Craig just just big dick and kyle like that's hilarious he's not gonna accept an apology either i mean that guy really wants him to change his whole mindset and we see a flashback of craig shirtless talking to west and jesse he's like yeah listen he shouldn't be like that i'm like a leader in my field all right and him acting like that like you know what I did you want to make a move like that then I'm like a leader in my field. And him acting like that, you know what I did? You want to make a move like that? Then I'll pull Loverboy out of every single one of my stores.
And I called every single Loverboy. It was two.
I called two stores that are not alcohol serving stores. And I said, you get that shit out of my store.
Wow. Wow, that's going to put a huge dent in sales now that Loverboy has been removed from two pillow shops.
Oh my God. We all know when you want to get drunk, where do you go? The pillow shop.
Talk about soft. Oh, I kind of stole my concept.
Brick and mortar. So we go to Carl and Craig, and Kyle's like, by the way, whoa, hey, can we stop the ride from rock? Do you feel like we're rocking? It's like a real dingy.
No. Craig is confused.
Kyle's like, I didn't take my dromamine.

Get it?

And then Kyle does this weird thing where he's like,

all right, let's talk about Loverboy.

Welcome to the boardroom.

He goes into business mode

because this is what tech bros do.

They party, party, party.

They're like, all right, synergy, okay, forecast. Okay, well, listen, bro, I would have loved to talk to you about it last night, but now we're going to talk about it now.
We'll address this pirates, but that's okay. My goal is just to put this to bed, but in a dinghy, okay? You know what? Like, I want to go back to a world where we're going on double dates and go in a world where you and I are like, you know, when we're in a dinghy, we're, like, having fun, bro.
You know what I'm saying, man? Yeah, but you're like the only one who like made this a thing. And Craig's leaning back like he owns a fucking world.
As if he didn't just get told off in that same seat by Paige just tore about ten minutes ago. But he's got a pirate hat on and Paige just looking at Kyle like...
Sakai's look I've known you for like six years bro and like I know of you know if I know my friend spent his blood sweat and tears building something the last thing I'm doing is getting into bed with a direct comp tech and I'm drunk competitor But you're taking money out of people's pockets, bro. Craig, the regular Jean Valjean of the show.
Two, four, six, oh, one. I stole a loaf of bread so I could feed it to my pillows.
What do you mean? Listen, no matter how I went about it, it isn't my deal. My deal doesn't affect Loverboy.
I just don't know how you wanted me to go about it, okay? I was approached with a deal. I told you I was approached with a deal.
I took the deal. Then you texted me and you said, please, please save my children, save my wife.

I depend on you for all of my business advice. Please don't take this away.
No, bro, I just wanted you to be on the Loverboy team, but now I'm on my own selling spritzers without you. Yeah, but I said it's just business

And you said you hated when people say that

Because it meant they're doing something shitty. Which is a good point.
Yeah, I think that's a good point. I don't think anyone's been like, don't worry about it, it's just business, when they're actually helping you.
It's like, but I don't feel bad about it, okay? And you said I had a reputation for lying.

How dare you? I had to hear about that sitting across from the queen having tea in England. Do you know how embarrassing that was? So you're just like not going to apologize? Is that like that? You're just not going to apologize for calling me a liar? When have I ever lied? And God bless Bravo.
for first time they did not roll a ten minute montage of Greg lying for a decade. And then Kyle's like bro you're sad.
I don't think your level of sadness could ever appropriate the amount of sadness. A little fall of rain can never, I mean now You're here That's all I need That sounded like Luann doing Yeah Lou Mable.
There is a castle on a cloud. Master of the eggs a la Francaise.
Commercials. Here comes one right now.
So both guys have a spritzer business that's probably not profiting, let's be honest. Because last year we found out Kyle wasn't making a profit.
He's like, I'm a million something in debt, bro. How do you mean that makes me feel? And Craig, I don't even think he owns that.
He's just like got paid some money to do that. So they both look at each other and they're like, we're not going to fight forever about not profiting off of spritzers.
Okay spritzers okay let's just drop it yeah so they do never let a spritzer come between your friendships so basically they're like yeah let's just be friends again and they hug and they're like all we care about is the girls bro all i care about is us and the girls who we're gonna be in relationships with for a very long time.

I just want to go back to double dating,

especially in the new year.

Just you and me and you and Paige.

Let's just do it, bro.

Two couples destined to last.

So then the party starts going on and raging all around us and we get one of the ultimate Trixie Monocle bangers.

Yes.

Please don't come and kill my vibe right now.

If you're not up for a good time, please get out.

Spread the good vibes over here.

Spread the good vibes over here.

Don't get your goddamn finger out of your asshole.

We're trying to record here.

That's a jam.

They play that one a lot. Have you guys noticed that song? It's like...
Da la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, this is a parrot. This is my friend Polly Emeril.
Okay, be nice to her. She likes drunks and crackers.
She married one. And Emeril's like, oh yeah, I met a girl named Polly at Burning Man.
It's the hardest name to have over there because if you say, hey, you're Polly, everyone's like, yeah, because everyone's Polly over here. I have sex and swings.
I don't think poly just means fucking everybody, does it?

Doesn't poly mean when you have like multiple deep relationships with people?

Because I lived next door to a poly girl for a long time.

And I was like, please have less relationships.

And it wasn't even the fucking because that was like so...

I have to say like it was so low volume.

I could hear it because it was right next door.

But it was like this.

Yeah.

What do you...

They talked.

They don't have to say, it was so low volume. I could hear it because it was right next door, but it was like this.
Yeah, what do you think? They talked. They just fucking talked.
It was like one bang. How do you feel about that? Well, maybe we should invite Ethan over, and Ethan can tell us how he feels about that.
It's like, oh, my God. I'll just stay a whore, you know? Maybe when he said that he was Polly, he meant douchey.

That would make a lot more sense.

So anyway, they're like, okay, RGBs.

By the way, they're so visibly disgusted with Emeril every time.

They're like, well, I guess we have to talk to him today.

So let's walk by and say one thing.

This is pretty benign.

How about, oh, here's a pair, right?

Polly want a cracker?

Hey, Polly, right?

Like, oh. Yeah, I'm Polly want a cracker hey Polly right yeah

I'm Polly too I tell every girl with Burning Man so Sierra goes up to Carl and she's like so Carl who's that chicky I'm gonna put on an inflatable shark outfit and DJ from like on the other side of the fence is Danielle being like club Sandy you guys forgot to leave the key under the map and it's cool hey can you play that song before I have to catch the L-A-R-R? I'm Pauly, too. By the way, I hate when Kyle gets into his inflatable costume because it's always the same thing.
He puts on the inflatable costume and then it inevitably is, Amanda, I'm so hot. Don't do it to yourself, Kyle.
So Sierra goes up to Carl, and she's like, so who's that girl? And he's like, oh, her name is Lil. Yeah, well, she's telling people she fucks lemurs.
She tried to pull a card out of my ear, but accidentally sliced me with a broken bottle. It was weird.

And it cuts to Lil dancing

and she's like...

Lil's in some washing machine

of her own. She's the only one like...

Carl's like, I did house

her on a date.

We're gonna split a Sprite bottle with my parents on a Wednesday morning so Craig is now talking about West and Jesse to Amanda because you know Craig's ultimate goal here is just to gossip you know that's all he wants to do so he's like wow watching them run around it's funny they're like kids with a shiny new thing talking about the boys because they are still doing the hors d'oeuvre thing where they're just seeing girls grabbing whatever they can. And Amanda's like, they forget we exist at parties sometimes.
It's almost like we married them. Craig's like, yeah, it's fun to watch.
They're like kids like shiny objects. Oh, you mean like you guys in Southern Charm? Yes, absolutely.
So then Wes does the splits, you know, because Kyle Richards is not on TV at the moment. So we did.
It's been two days since we've seen Kyle Richards. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough hair to do that ponytail thing.

So Jesse comes up to talk to him

and Jesse's like, hey, Craig, hey,

can I ask you a question? Let me ask you.

Come here, bro. How do you

stop? Like, how do you stop for Paige

when there's, like, all these hot girls

around? Like, how do you stop yourself?

And Craig goes, you date

your number one. That's

how. Like, you gotta date the girl

that you cheat on your girlfriend with.

Yeah, that's so romantic.

I just want to, the moment I...

The ultimate boss of mistresses.

That's what you do.

The final boss.

The moment I knew I was in love with you

was when I knew that I could someday

cheat on you, but instead I wouldn't. What's the name of the bat? What's the big dinosaur

in Super Mario at the end? What's his name? Bow Wow. Bowser.
Oh, Bowser. Yeah.
It's a

little Bow Wow. It has a great rap career.
The Bowser of Mistresses. I'm the architect.
Hey. you know what I you know what I like about Mario? He's not just a plumber.
He's a storyteller. When I saw that short guy get such hot ass, I got hard.
So, Amanda. I was like, do you know how quickly I just went through a Rolodex of Super Mario characters to figure out which one was Paige? It's Paige, just always running away from Mario.
Like, oh no. I've been kidnapped.
Oh no, Craig. I'm kidnapped.

Oh, sorry. I'm living with some big guy with a jackpot in a castle now.
Sorry, Craig.

Bye. Oh, sure.
I'll marry you.

Oh, here it is. Our lovely whoops.

Here's the dinosaur thing.

Captured me. Bye.

Does that mean that Luigi is Austin?

Craig is insane right now.

It's a mushroom kingdom.

But what's Shep? Shep is Toad. Garbage! The princess is stolen! You have to save the princess and her freckled little lips.
Patricia's just that thing on a cloud that throws, like, spiky turtles in everybody. Sorry.
Sorry. Whitney's a Koopa Troopa.
Mother. Mother.
Mother. Mother.
So Amanda is, they're still talking to Jesse craig so amanda's like um it's hard to read him you know like sometimes he's like look at all these girls but if lexi was here he'd build he'd be like a little parrot because she's his prize and craig's like let's ask him jesse come here jesse jesse jesse amanda says you're into lexi he's like well it's hard because you And Craig's like, let's ask him. Jessie, come here, Jessie.
Jessie, Jessie, Amanda says you're into Lexi.

He's like, well, it's hard because, you know, there's Lexi and everything.

I mean, one thing about Lexi is I'm never confused about where her lips are.

You know, they're pretty well outlined.

There's just like so many hot chicks here.

You know what I'm saying?

Are you afraid to change your ways?

He's like, I mean, yeah, I'll be lying if I said there was a small part of me.

He's like, so you want to change your ways?

I mean, because there's hot girls around?

I mean, because yeah, they're really hot.

Maybe you'd want to kiss them in an alternate reality?

I mean, yeah, sure.

Okay, so you want to cheat? I mean, okay, I'm going to go tell everyone you want to cheat Amanda just is like come on give me something I gotta go around tell people something she kind of does do that but there's that moment where she's just like are you afraid to change your ways for a woman you know it's the right woman if she makes you want to change.

Even if you never really do. Cut the car out.

Uh.

I'm gonna change

soon, man. He's at the

front of the dinghy going, I ain't in the world.

So. And Craig

goes, yeah, you know, you don't

date someone. I love that Craig's a fucking expert.

Shut up, Craig. Who's asking

Craig? So Craig's like, you don't want to date someone because they check the boxes. Cut to Craig.
Literally I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm and he's like you know when I asked, I had a really good conversation with Sierra.

And he's like, you know, when I asked her, I said, like, you know, what could have happened if I just showed up on time a year ago? And she was like, well, why didn't you try? And I was like, well, my boy called dibs, you know. And, you know, Lexi was at home watching that with her lip liner.
They're like...

So, man... And you know Lexi was at home watching that with her lip liner.
So Amanda's like, okay, but if there was a burning building, who would you save? Lexi or Sierra? It's a given that we're all going to kill Jules. So just leave her in there.
It's her favorite game. Who would you save from a burning building? And he says, well, they're both small.
Put them both over my shoulder. Ménage à trois, right? And she's like, wait, so you're not going to save me? I was like, yes, it took five years.
But karma. So he's like, I mean, I'm not blind.
Have you seen Ciara? I mean, she's a model, all a model all right like of course i'd save her but we just have a friend vibe because she dated my friend you know we haven't discovered beyond that should we do it we should are you saying we should we totally should okay i would date sierra listen i'm a heterosexual male i would oh my god lexi we're not on camera still right we're not on camera still right yeah oh so then he leaves and Craig's like whoa did you guys know that he likes Sierra she's like well I mean I asked her and she said that she's not a honey hopper I was like who says that you she's gonna end up with West after all this homie homie hop oh homie hopper. Still, I'm not a homie hopper.

I just wrote it down wrong.

Well,

they both have reasons that are bullshit

for them not being together, so let's

get them together so that way

everything goes wrong in their lives.

Do you know how much pain would

be saved if we had you guys here for every

recap? I know. So then so then no you fucking idiot so page is on her bed and sierra sierra walks in the room and sierra goes oh i love how i knew exactly where you'd be i was like yeah, yeah, so did America.
Yeah.

So,

Craig's like, it's not nothing, Amanda. This is a big deal.

Okay, so,

Carl's like, we promised never to come

after each other's brand,

so, you know, we're chummy now.

Shark reference!

So, Sierra's like,

I talked to Jesse. And Paige's like, oh, I saw that.
That was for like a long time. Yeah, you're really lucky because I had to hear Emeril talk about fisting someone's gardener for 30 minutes.
So meanwhile, we got to the Ratliff brothers peeing and West is like... On the lawn.
He's like... In case anybody was wondering where they were peeing.
I mean, where else would they pee? So West is like... You know what, Emerald? Don't answer that.
West is like... He's like, hey, bro.
Want some Hampty Wah? Hampty Wah? And he's like's like my mom texted me and she was like how do you open Hamptons water Hampty Wah like literally we've got our dicks out right now trying to open the Hampty Wah please just die I want I want these people to choke every good thing has to come to an end. And such is the case for Carl and Lil's date.
Well, I'm so glad you came. I was just saying, the summer's nice because I'm actually within this group of friends.
I have my own voice and my own self. And it sounds like this.
I don't know what to say. So it just feels good to be like here, leaning into lemur energy, learning about magic maybe someday, and knowing that like there's a girl who wants to have a soda with me.
I'm just a lemur standing in front of a girl asking her to love me.

Yeah, because in my last relationship

that girl got

pregnant with his baby in the bed

I paid for in that apartment.

Yeah, hopefully with

her fucking cardboard cutout standing above her

going, fuck yeah, you made the right choice, Lindsay.

What?

What bed did Carl pay for? What bed did Carl pay for? Carl did not pay for a bed. I'd like to know.
So then her parents come to pick her up. Hi, honey.
We brought the mermaid tail. Yes, boy.
Oh, there we are. Hi.
You look great, by the way. You look great in guy liner.
Oh, thanks so much. You look great in lady eyeliner, which I guess is just lady eyeliner.
Oh, no, this is getting scary. He's so charming.
What are you supposed to be, a pirate? He's like, yeah, I guess I should be saying, arg, arg, arg. Oh, oh.
Yo, oh. Oh Arg! Arg! Oh! Oh!

Yo ho!

All hounds

mine the

soft soda

on the boat.

So, uh,

next we go to the city.

Thank you for the scattered applause thank you

we go to the city and lindsey's in her apartment lighting sage this is where the baby's going this is where the futon that carl claims that he paid for was Out lemur energy.

Lemur.

Oh, God.

This is a lemur.

Okay.

Oh, wait. that Carl claims that he paid for was out lemur energy lemur this is lemur okay oh wait this spot here is this sandwich that I made for that other guy oh wait this spot over here I'm going to sage away some here's a sandwich making station oh oh there's reporter Christina Gibson going to sage her out.
Okay. So she's like, um, this apartment has seen so much yet, I ain't considered moving.
But if you eliminate the bad energy, it's fine. I'm fine, girl.
So now I'm stress free and I don't give a fuck. So then she gets on the phone with Aunt Rhonda.
I have never seen Aunt Rhonda this happy. Normally when they show Aunt Rhonda, she's like, hey, honey.
Why are you calling me? Why do I need to hear another 10-minute sob about a man? Not this time. She's like, Aunt Rhonda, I've got sage.
And she's like, oh, my God, Lindsay. Who for you, lindsey she's like wait a second are you telling me you took down your neon rat house sign oh my god i thought the day would never come thank god she's so happy she's like how are you girls doing oh god are you saging your apartment you need a fresh sage rid of mom.
Burn it down. Burn Carl out of that fucking place.
You just hear the sound of the spirits leaving. They're like, soft.
Brick and mortar. Hug me harder.
I'm not ready for this. So then we get, she's like, oh yeah, I got rid of the futon.
I got rid of the dresser. I got rid of bad vibes couch.
And then we see a clip of them sitting on that couch and Carl's like, we're supposed to be married in two months.

And I'm not ready to do that.

And they just keep pointing.

It's like, ding, the couch.

Ding.

It's the Bad Vibes couch.

Ding, ding, ding.

So Lindsay's like, yeah, I don't have FOMO.

But I'm missing this party, stupid pirate party, shipwreck.

Which, actually, I came up with that idea

and Carl just took it because he doesn't have any of his

own ideas, not even for stupid parties.

I thought that was so funny

that Carl couldn't even come

up with his own party idea.

We should do a shipwreck party.

I can't be here next week. Stole our shipwreck

party. It's like next year

Carl's be like, guys, I was thinking about having

a party and it could be in, I don't know, I was just thinking about something like maybe tribute to Aunt Rhonda. I don't know.
Did you come up with that on your own, Carl? Yeah, totally. Totally.
And Aunt Rhonda's like, good for you, Lindsay. God, the only thing about you having a decent man and not having to dump a terrible man is where am I going to get the serotonin left? So back to the party and Wes are sort of hanging out Jesse is shit faced he has torn his pants from dancing on the dance floor I can't even imagine how badly he mangled the Venga bus but he did and Wes is like Jesse is basically saying like by the way I was talking to Sierra and I wanted to defend your honor bro and she just kept on being like oh you used her and i was like no it was a bro like how do we get back to being a place we're all friends again she looked at me it was kind of like never bro and then west is like i'm sad well yeah because that whole conversation with sierra he was supposed to be like, hey, bro, give my bro a chance, Sierra.
He's a good guy. Maybe you can marry West after all.
And instead, he was like, hey, Sierra, sure, we've got a chance, don't we, honey? He sort of like messed up the mission, you know? We're just friends. We're just friends.
So you're saying I have a chance, right? chance right she's like i'm gonna put on my pelican mask again um so basically yeah and now wes is all in his feelings like oh my god i can't believe she said that you know like god he gets to really what the core is which is like austin was way worse than i was she still talks to Austin. Why am I getting raked over the goals?

Was Austin worse than she?

I don't think Austin was worse.

Austin was pretty bad.

Austin was worse.

No, because he didn't say.

Because she was straight up with West and said,

listen, I'm not going to sleep with you unless we have something.

Austin didn't necessarily say that.

Austin was just kind of like, hey, who wants you to sayleston whatever like it's fine we'll want a double date and she kind of assumed but with west she was like no this is what i want don't fuck me over and he's like fuck you over never by the way new york times never really liked sierra much. That's true.
I think West is actually worse.

Although Austin did say,

you look like goddamn Celine Dion,

which is a strange one.

Celine Dion does not deserve that.

Just to be associated with Austin, I mean.

So anyway,

so Sierra and Paige are in bed, of course.

And Paige says the least surprising thing, which is this party is draining me. You know, Craig and I went to dinner Thursday night.
I had to have kangaroo. Ew, disgusting.
And he just started to be like, I come to you 90% of the time and we never even talk about it. And now you're like going on tour and like, am I going to be like, I just want to make sure our relationship is like a priority like gross disgusting and Sierra's like yeah like woe is me and then she gets her iPad and she's like dumping laughing laughing and then she goes and I'm not going to tell you again and Paige is like well we got home and then he was like well obviously on camera I'm not going to say that your shit's bigger than mine because that would look negative towards me and I was like but it wouldn't look positive towards me Craig and she's like what? he wouldn't even say that your shit was bigger than his shit? dump that fucking idiot! damn it did I say that again? and Craig meanwhile was like where's my girlfriend? girlfriendfriend.
Paige is like, I mean, I'm trying to wonder,

is Craig like a secret hater and a storyteller?

So Sierra's like, well, she shouldn't have to pay

for his lack of self-esteem.

This is all on him.

Fuck that guy, you know?

So Jesse and West went on a podcast.

I think it was virtual reality.

And they were talking.

and Jassy's like,

Thank you. is lack of self-esteem this is all on him fuck that guy you know so jesse and west went on a podcast i think it was virtual reality and they were talking and jesse's like wow you know the girls are real convincing with like you know how they like say that men are screwing them over and stuff but i mean craig was just saying like make our relationship a priority like is that so bad i mean what's so wrong with that and the host of that was like you're gonna get like you could just hear him being like you're gonna get your ass beat yeah because that's not all craig did craig said you know you can't really work the same when we're together and you have a baby so this is the end right this is all you're gonna do he is trying to hold that girl back and i'm glad she dumped, I'm not surprised.
Oh, yeah. We have been and continue to be resolutely team Paige on this situation.
So, outside... Jesse said that the rest of his season's not very good, and we're about to see why.
But I was like, you just made it ten times worse. Do you really need Paige after your ass now? It's like, okay, another death on my list.
Revenge. Do you remember that show? Revenge! The ocean would be like...
So outside, the party is in full swing. Let's pretend that Lil didn't actually leave yet, because apparently she hasn't, because now we see her doing the worm.
Which... Just...
Okay, it's funny to see anyone doing the worm, but Lil doing the worm? Lil does the worm just in conversation. She's like, you know...
I know. I'm really into cards.
She's like trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat, but also doing the worm at the same time. She's doing an interpretive dance, commemorating her future relationship with Carl.
See it all working out. So then upstairs, Amanda joins the girls upstairs and she's asking, she's like, by the way, you guys, like she talking about Jesse.
I think she's talking about Jesse and Sierra. Yes, because Amanda's like, I've been picking up on it all fucking summer and I mentioned it to her a couple of times and she's like, no, I would never and I thought it was a joke.
But then they were like this and dancing with each other. That sounds gross.

I'm trying to hide in bed away from this gross shit.

Could you please stop?

I don't want to go downstairs.

I don't want to look at that.

And I heard Lila's doing the worm.

Can someone just bomb this house?

Although I do want a chicken finger.

Okay, I'm going to come down.

And we do see, I mean, like, Jesse is, like, grinding up on Sierra.

Lexi will not be happy with that.

And I can't wait to see her reaction.

Yeah.

And Amanda's like, is it weird eating chicken fingers? Because I'm like a bird, and I'm eating another bird. Deep thoughts on this show at all times.
So they go, the party ends,

and I was shocked that Amanda did not go running out to the backyard to say,

you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

She must have really been upset that she didn't get to say it this week,

because that's kind of like all she does on this show,

is kick people out of the house.

So Paige is like, all right, get the boys up to my room we need to gossip i'll be on the bed uh so uh now jesse is putting sierra's feet on his leg on the couch they're kind of gathering on the couch and they're all getting flirty and drunk so jesse has her feet on his leg and she's like um my feet are ashy and page is like suck her toes it's great great foreshadowing i was i didn't even know what was gonna come i'm and i mean that in all ways so sierra's like ew don't suck my toes so then uh of course like emerald's like what was that and yeah he's like wait a second someone could be sucking go out tonight? And so they're like, yeah, let's all go out. Let's go out tonight.
So they're all going to go out. And Paige is like, ew, disgusting.
A non-bed activity? I would never. But then Amanda sees West outside by himself.
And she's like, that's so sad. West is out there all by himself.
Do you think he's OK? And it just shows Wes dancing all alone in those wings at the edge of the like dance floor where nobody is he's like sad little puppy so now Amanda goes out there to check on him basically to get goss and he's like dude like it's getting to the point where like i'm trying to be nice and i'm trying to be civil but like she won't be friends with me and like it's like really not fair because it's not my fault didn't work out just because she said promise you won't use me and then i used her and then like went on to bang random chicks at bars across the country like that just like hurts a lot he's like yeah like i'm sorry but you can't get mad at me just because i didn't want to date you and then keep villainizing me because we're not dating i was like oh my god you're just making this so much worse that's not the point you piece of shit she never would have dated you in the first place yeah you begged and begged and begged god it's like when you give somebody a fiver on the street and you're like i'm a fucking baller i just helped somebody today and they're like that's it fuck you you fat bastard you got more than that well it wouldn't be summer house without someone love bombing so let's go into the bathroom where jesse is peeing and simultaneously flirting with lexi on the facetime she's like oh my god you're calling me are you peeing right now and it's like what's the sound of peeing i don't know how you make that with i've never tried to make that with my mouth. No, but like the bubbles hitting the water.

I really like...

I really like...

I have to say,

I really like the audience participation on that just now.

But you're like,

what's the sound of peeing?

And then we all were like...

It's like we're both doing pee sound

and calling a bunch of cats.

So... I love seeing you right of cats so yes you are so then we go to craig and page and craig they're sitting on the bed and craig bed and craig is like we haven't eaten all day today i ate what did you eat chicken what no chicken what chicken what i ate chicken you you didn't you didn't eat me i'm alive no chicken what the thing that i ate today was chicken you're gonna tell me why did the chicken cross the road why take it away from chicken what how do i get away from myself i've been asking myself the same question for two years.
Hey, Craig. Hey, Craig.
Can you get your phone? Where is it? It's right here. Why do you want to know? Okay, now lay back.
Okay. Now go on it and shut up.
Why should I She goes, so I can go on mine. Please be quiet.
Hey, Craig. Hey, Craig, can I see one of your pillows? Uh, sure.
Okay. Oh, can you just hold it a little closer to your face? Yeah.
A little closer. Yeah.
A little closer. I don't know if I can breathe anymore.
Closer. He did it to himself.

Not my fault.

Back to Jesse and Lexi.

Do you miss me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I miss you.

I jerked off before the party.

So I wouldn't like miss you too bad.

If these two aren't a forever couple,

I don't know who is.

And she's like,

um... He goes, yeah, you know,

so like, I mean,

but it didn't work

because I jerked off,

but then I still missed you.

She goes,

oh, that's exactly

what I wanted to hear.

It's like, there's no hope for you.

Listen, Lexi,

I'm trying with you.

The man is speaking as he calls you and then talks about jerking off so he doesn't miss you. Girl, bye.
He was trying to say that. What he meant to say was, I jerked off so I wouldn't cheat on you.
Yeah. And then he was like, so I don't miss you.
And then she's like, but I want you to jerk off to me, right? And then she's like, uh, I miss you.

And she's like, eh, okay.

So he's like, yeah,

I mean, I thought about you before

jerking off. I thought about you during jerking

off. I thought about you after jerking

off. She's like, you thought about me

after? And he's like, well, right now it's after.

She's like, I stopped thinking about you.

Oh my God, I want to run to

the Hamptons right now.

I'm up in Canada with my

Thank you. Oh my God, I want to run to the Hamptons right now.

I'm up in Canada with my family and I've been hearing from Jesse nonstop.

Even on a regular day, he calls me 50 to 100 times

except for 37 minutes between the hours of 3 a.m. to 3.37 a.m.

I just love it because he updates me with what he's doing and then I update him with what I'm doing. Lip liner, lip liner, lip liner, mom calls.
I do a podcast with my sister and my mom called 69 Girls. Then we put lip liner on each other and then he calls me again.
So he's like, yeah, I'm thinking about how bad it is with less than sierra you know and like

i just hope you and i don't ever come to that point you know you're about to fuck sierra what are you talking about so meanwhile uh it's that hour of the night the hour where kyle is slumped over his dj booth going I'm Barney.

So now everyone goes out.

Everyone goes out for a good time. Everyone heads out.
It's the usual thing. They go out, and then they come back, and they push open that door.
You're like, okay, whatever. Craig does exactly what Kyle does when he comes home.
He walks into the room when Paige is sleeping, and he's like, Hey, honey, honey, look how early I am. I just couldn't do it.
I had to come back to you. And then you see everyone is home at the same time as Craig.
And, you know, as per tradition, Emeril brings his two friends to the house, an arrow and an arrow. Ding, ding.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
And we, well, we have a little surprise for you guys, which is that we have the two girls from Summer House. Please welcome the two friends, person in person.
Hi, welcome. So good to see you guys.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Oh, so yeah? Okay. Well, thanks so much for coming.
Okay, thank you. Bye.
Wow. It's great to finally get to hear their perspective on this.

So Emeril's like, hey.

Jesse goes, hey, you brought two chicks home?

Because Emeril, we just hear Emeril, he's putting like a washcloth over the camera, you know, so he can bone as he does every night.

So he's putting it. And then you just hear him go, I'm naked, by the way.

I know. Those two girls are like, um.
So, but then in the middle of this, it gets obviously, I guess it gets too hot. Because then he goes downstairs and he's like, but then he's like, hey, everyone, two girls upstairs.
And then we got a fan and they're like, what? There's two girls up there? And even the guys, like the guys who are all horndogs usually they're like what you're fucking in the house fucking legend yes emerald emerald fucking like crazy by now they're like you brought more women home I know take the fan and open a window, please. God, man.

So then... Except for Jesse.

Jesse's like, you want to your girls home?

Hey, maybe I'll check in.

So he drunkenly walks down the hall and he opens the door and he goes,

I just really miss you guys.

And then he goes into the room.

Dun, dun.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding.
What would Jesse Solomon do? So 37 minutes later. I was not expecting this.
I thought he was going to walk in. It'd be a gag.
It'd be silly. Ha ha ha ha ha.
But it was 37 minutes later. 37 minutes.
You're 25. That should have been three minutes later.
Come and done. 37 minutes later is me.
And this is how it ends. Oh, my God.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Hand me those pills.
Am I having a heart attack? Feel my pulse. Did I die already? I really got to start Zumba again.
25. Shame on you.
37 minutes later. So Jesse leaves and he's trying to be subtle.
He's like, oh God, so great seeing you guys. Great seeing you.
Love you guys. And then we see a close up on the floor.
When I tell you that I's a pruder, the shit out of this film. I've been backstage there.
I downloaded it from the Peacock. I was like, rewind 10 seconds.

Ben, what does this look like to you?

I'm airdropping it to you right now.

He's like, some shit on the floor.

Condoms?

Does it look like condoms?

What is he holding in his hand right now?

What is he?

Is it a gun?

Is it a gun?

It was like cereal. It was basically the next season of cereal.
How many condoms were on the floor? Which is actually kind of like Lindsay now that I think about it. Oh my God, Lindsay would make a great prosecutor for a crime podcast.
What were you doing the night of the murders? Did you sage beforehand? But yeah, Ronnie even sent it to me. Ronnie's like, Ben, look at this.
And I was looking. Girl, I was on the Reddit.
I was looking at every detail. Like, what did people find? What did they find? So here's what it is.
I don't think they're condoms on the ground because they didn't have the little rib, you know, the little curled up sections. I think that was plastic wrap from something they just unwrapped and thrown on the floor.
Was it a box of condoms? I don't know. It was wrapping for something.
And then there was like some little thong. And I'm so jealous of people who were that tiny.
This thong was this big. It was like this.
I had to do an image search. It was like, it's a thong.
I was like, no way. No, it's not.
Is that a fingertip cover? What the fuck is that thing? It was a thong. And then Jesse walks out, and we see a close-up of his hand, and he's holding what looks like a rolled-up sock that looks wet.
He came in it. I'll say it.
He came in it. So then Jesse walks down the hall, and he's holding his phone in one hand in this sock thing in another, this wet sock.
And then he's kind of trying to hide the sock and he almost puts it in his pocket but thinks against it probably because it's a fucking splooch sock and you know he's going to wear those shorts ten more times. But then by the time he gets back to the bedroom, the sock is gone and he's hidden it from the camera.
so I don't know. Maybe it's like, it'll be fine in the back pocket.
Either way, you just either got... Do you think he just got a blowjob? What do you think he did? Well, you know what? I guess we'll have to see what happens on the White Lotus tonight before we fully...
I want to know what happened because if it was a blowjob, I feel so so sorry for those girls and i'm mad that we don't see them the next day because i want to see one of those arrows walking out with a jaw that's clicking like here okay seven my honest opinion is the following which is that i think that jesse went in there i think the girl sucked his toe. I think that the threesome did the threesome thing.

And then I do think the creepy little brother from the White Lotus jerked him off.

No, no, no.

I think Jesse jerked him.

I think Jesse jerked off while they were all doing something.

That is my theory.

So that way he could reasonably say, I didn't participate.

It was funny. He can say, I never touched a girl I told you I jerked off yeah yeah yeah let it be known he jerked off he did have that conversation where he's like I jerked off and I thought of you so maybe and she thought it was romantic so maybe he'll be like I jerked off to a threesome and I pictured three of you and she's like, oh my God.
We'll see about this

guy. Okay, so then

people go to bed. Who cares? I just want to talk about this

for the rest of my life.

I'm going to go into White Lotus Threads like,

you guys, what was Jesse caring?

You know,

you know what I can't wait to do once

the White Lotus is done is to make some other

stupid Bravo mashup video and

then people think that something that happened

on the White Lotus happened in Bravo because remember when

I don't wait to do once the White Lotus is done is to make some other stupid Bravo mashup video and then people think that something that happened on the White Lotus happened in Bravo because remember when I did that with Heather Gay remember when we were all wondering how Heather Gay got her black eye and I just did a stupid video where I spliced in the end of the White Lotus and people were like guys I heard that Heather Gay fell off a boat and there was not a boat in sight on that show and everyone's like no heather gay in the middle of the night went off to a boat and fell off i saw the footage so i'm ready everyone i'm ready to call some shit on the internet so good so we wake up in the morning kyle goes running jesse is talking to west in the kitchen and he's like and we all had two chicks in his bed, so, you know, they were like, come in, Jesse, so, you know,

I just, you know, they were like, come in, Jesse. So, you know, I put my toes in their faces kind of joking, you know.
And then they were like, you know, what do you want to do? And I like suck my toe. And so they did.
When I tell you someone posted a close-up of this man's foot on the rack. Listen.
The toes are like this. Listen, listen.
His toes probably tasted great. Because listen, look, here's how he describes them.
Well, you know, I've been partying outside. I was barefoot.
Then I went to a club. Couldn't have smelled that great smelled that great so then the producer's like uh-huh and why did you take your socks off and he's like oh i was barefoot i was barefoot when i went in there and she's like no you weren't and then they show a close-up of him holding this sock in his hand as he leaves the room i was like like, hire that producer onto the show.
Next season, I want Lil and the producer on the show. That was so good.
I was so proud of her. I was like, Pulitzer.
Pulitzer. And then we see a flashback of him going in that room going, and I'm hard.
We didn't get a timestamp, but I'm thinking that was probably the 37-minute mark. They're like, oh, just get out of here.
37 minutes. So then we go to Paige and Craig in bed.
He's trying to snuggle, and he's like, oh, sorry. I had a short dream.
She's like, me too. It's called our relationship.
Get out. Sorry, did that come out of my mouth? He's like waking up and he like twitches or something and he knocks her phone out of her hand.
I was like, oh, she's done with you now. Do you see my hand? What's in it? Nothing.
Exactly. You're done.
Get out of here. So then we go see Wes take his daily shower in the pool.

And Amanda's

like, in the middle of the night, I

had waves of nausea and I was like,

what the hell? And then I looked over

and Kyle was there and I was like,

oh yeah.

Kyle.

Gabby says something. She goes, I hate that for both of you what time did you guys get back can we give Gabby something more to do on this show listen people are making their own plot lines here Gabby needs to get her toes out and go to work so Jesse comes back and he's like hey guys got back heard there was a thre Amanda's like, oh my God, you checked on him.
How do you even have the confidence to walk in on him and two girls? Gabby's like, wait, I thought you were joking. Wait, he actually brought two girls home? Hold on, I have to put on my new disgusted face.
And Jesse's like, well, this is what I do. I was like, hi, you hi! Girl Scout cookies or whatever.
And then they were like, come fuck us. And I said, no, no, I couldn't.
Lexi's better than foursomes. You know what? Romance is not dead after all.
Lexi is better than foursomes. And when you look deeply into my eyes and you said, Lexi, you're bettersomes i said i do amanda's like um i'm gonna let her know that you said that and he goes i mean i didn't even consider at that moment what she might think about it amanda's like great every girl's dream and then we see emerald coming out and they're playing this dramatic music because i guess emerald's in trouble now for having a force.
Since when? I don't know. But Emeril comes out and he's like, hey guys, Polly.
He's wiping his face. He's giving himself the hoe bath as he walks out.
And they're laying like, Emeril's here. And then we see clips of next week when Sierra's like, bro, you fuck like 10 people at a time in our house and it's getting fucking disgusting.
And that brings us to the end of Summer Housing. Thank you, Philadelphia, for being here tonight.
You're always an amazing crowd. And we will see you next time.
We love you guys. Bye, good night.
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