#2778 Trailer Trash Bonus: The Valley Season 2

Don't miss Good American Family.

We have a little girl here for adoption.

She has dwarfism.

Starring Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass.

Something is off.

She's just a little girl.

You think she's faking?

She has adult teeth?

There are signs of puberty?

Inspired by the shocking stories that tore a family apart.

I don't know what's going on.

How old are you?

You should get a lawyer.

You have no idea how those people hurt this girl.

The Hulu Original Series. Good American Family.
New episodes Wednesdays. Streaming on Hulu.
We're supported by Audible. Expand your life by listening.
Explore over 1 million audiobooks and exclusive audio titles that will inspire and motivate you. Tap into your well-being with advice and insight from leading professionals and experts on better health, relationships, career, finance, investing, and more.
Listening on Audible can help you reach the goals you set for yourself. It's a great partner to help you become your best self.
One of my personal favorites is an oldie. It's called As a Man Thinketh.
It's a really good one I was given as a kid, and just listening to it as I go for my walk really helps me out with the day. Start listening today.
Go to audible.com slash crappens and sign up for a free 30-day trial. That's audible.com slash crappens.
One of the reasons we love watching Bravo shows is for the luxury. I mean, come on, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Most of the time I can just watch it for the shots of the gorgeous city and the houses. And let's not forget Lisa Barlow's $60,000 ring that she lost.
Oh, heck yeah. If you're looking for a way to experience luxury for yourself, try Virgin Voyages.
Over $1,000 in value is included in every sailing. Everything they offer, from their menus created by Michelin star chefs to their cabins designed by top international firms, is the pinnacle of luxury.
Virgin Voyages cruises are

kid-free and catered to adult tastes, and they have some incredible destinations. We're talking Caribbean escapes, Iceland and the British Isles, Miami, New York.
You can even live out your below deck med fantasy with their Lux Voyage in the Med. I am so excited to go on my first Virgin cruise you know the idea of a kid free ship is very appealing

to me and uh all these menus it's like definitely a boat made for ben it looks like a giant gorgeous

club with fabulous rooms i cannot wait to go book now at virginvoyages.com or contact your travel

advisor Contact your travel advisor.

Well, hello and welcome to What's What Crappens'm ronnie and that's ben hi ben hi how are you good how are you you know just just making our way through the week all that we've got a very special week we are going to be in dc and philly this week we so excited. In D.C., we're going to be doing Southern Charm, the first reunion.
And in Philly, we're going to be doing Summerhausen, which is very exciting. So while you guys wait for that, we're going to do a very special bonus episode, a trailer trash of The Valley Season 2.
Normally, these are on Patreon. So if you like this kind of stuff, go patreon that's where they're at okay patreon.com slash watch it crappens it's also where you get our uh recaps for the end of white lotus which we're going to do the next couple of we just did a catch-up recap of that you'll find traders recaps there airport snaps where we mock people at an airport stuff like that it's fun it's also where you get the video version of this if you want to watch along as we take this down shot by shot, moment by moment, millisecond by millisecond.
What's it, Ben? Are you excited about The Valley? How are you feeling? Of course, The Valley was one of the surprise hits of last year. None of us could believe how good it was.
We all thought it was going to be garbage and awful and just miserable to watch. And it was so good.
And I'm just really looking forward to it. We don't have Vanderpump Rules coming back anytime soon.
And we don't have any housewives on the radar, actually. So yeah, this is what we're going to need to get us through the spring.
Yeah. Now the the big worry here is that Jax has come out of the closet with his coke addiction, you know, right in time to promote his new podcast and this season of the show.
And I cannot feel for Jax. I'm sorry.
Okay. As someone with a coke addiction a while back, I know that it sucks.
I know that it's hard, but Jax still sucks. And I'm not going to give him a break just because he has a Coke addiction.
But good for him for working it through his stuff, if he ever does that. But Jack still sucks.
Okay? Here's Jack's. Right now.
Yeah. On our screen.
I mean, appropriately wearing white. He sort of is looking like a very fresh egg, you know? He's dressed like a Coke addiction.
He really is. But he's got like this white blazer on.
I mean, why are you going for like kind of almost like a Miami look while you're trying to show that you're past your Coke addiction? Yeah. Yeah, Miami vice.
But here he is in his all white and his seemingly full head of hair. Turn around, sucka.
So, Jax, looking right into the camera and showing off. Did he always have these hand tattoos? He didn't always have these, did he? I think those are new.
I don't know. I think those are relatively new.
Okay, well, here he is. He still can't grow full facial hair, so know he's still got that part of youth about him so he's there uh the next shot is kristen uh dressed like curtains in an old theater so like saloon theater that are closed yeah she's definitely giving kind of like a bordello decor look for her dress.

She's like, seriously? Seriously?

And then Luke is walking with her, and he's filled out a bit since last season.

So he sort of has got kind of a different look as a result.

His beard is longer and more square.

His hair is more filled out.

He's wearing, for some reason, this fuchsia shirt. I would not say it's a great look for him, but it is a look for him.
Well, you know, he's in some dockers and a pink shirt, this bottom button, kind of unbuttoned, but tucked. I know the feeling, Luke.
But you know, he's Luke, so that's good. And then get michelle wow i'm wearing sunglasses look at me i am michelle lally i am gonna be full of hot tics because i'm single and ready to mingle for season two and then we've got zach with a fan that he's clinking shut like kenya mo Mm-hmm.
And he's like, I've heard what everyone said about my hair. And instead of having it as a helmet, I'm going to have it like a helmet with hair that goes up a little bit in the front.
So you can see it's my real hair. I'm getting like bangs.
I'm getting like upturned bangs. It does look a little more natural, though, his hair.
So that's good. Poor guy.
He really got slaughtered over that hair. Why are they giving them prop sunglasses? None of these people own these sunglasses.
It's like a photo booth. Yeah.
They're like, okay, here's a prop. You can do a mustache, a fan, sunglasses, whatever you want.
Just have fun with it. He's also going for a skin-ed lip thing which i'm not really sure what that's about but you know bless his heart and then we get to britney fanning herself because you know they live in the valley it's hot she's got her botox going strong she's also wearing kind of fuchsia fuchsia top fuchsia belt she's wearing a bathing suit is she wearing a bathing suit with the belt she might be she might be wearing a bathing suit yeah and she looks with a waffle so that yeah and then we go to waffle then we go to these two oh janet and what's his face oh yeah what's his face i want to say his name is brian but it's not brian i forgot his name name.
Jason. Jason.
Yeah. Yeah.
Jason seems like he's so nice, but he supports Janet, who's an emotional terrorist. So I don't trust him either.
And I guess the girls are like, let's pink. Let's get a lot of pink in.
So they're doing that. And the guys are just doing things that should go with pink, but don't like he's wearing like a fall orange.
Yeah. It doesn't go with this.
Yeah. I think everything is supposed to be like reds and oranges and pinks but like yeah i feel like there's the the colors the color scheme is a little odd that the palette is odd for me but you know um yeah the janet is now this will be our first um non-pregnant janet season which is exciting uh janet is a terror but i sort of enjoyed that she was a terror uh she was really really really bad and and i held on to i held on to hope that she wasn't as bad as she seemed and then she was as bad as she seemed but i you know i enjoyed you know i always like i love a monster she sucks uh so then uh just basically the quality of the clothes i have to say you know sometimes in two, they get a bigger budget and come back in nicer clothes.
Not this cast. No, this cast is very much like, you know, Friday night at the Cineplex Odeon in, you know, the $5 theater.
And so I'm thinking of New York, not the Valley, but like, is this stained? Is Michelle's outfit? What is it? Is this stained? She found it out of the closet.

And she's like,

well,

this will do.

Brittany's bathing suit with the belt.

And then this whole outfit is crazy.

And then we go to three under four,

whatever he says.

What's this thing?

Well,

it used to be two under three,

but now they're pregnant.

So it's going to be a three under four.

It's Danny.

Danny also got props on glasses. He's wearing a fuchsia blazer.
Um, I wonder if he got it from the same cheap place downtown that I got mine two years ago for the crappies. Yeah, these are bad.
And he's doing like the faux hawk from like what, 15 years ago kind of thing and kind of a Quaker collared shirt, which I think is really funny because you know, he just wants to have a million children. Is that what that's called? A Quaker collar? Because I have two of those shirts.
And I'm like, what are these called? I'm getting rid of them. I call them Quaker collars.
I don't know what they're actually called. I don't know fashion.
Okay. Mock.
But I call them that. Because Quakers wear them.
And then we've got his wife. What's her face? Nina.
Nina. Nina.
Nina, who Ben is still convinced is is evil you thought she was evil in the first well you said she would be evil but then she had to be really nice but will she be second season bitch i don't think so who no i don't think she's evil i really felt like i had a lot of good signals to say that she was evil but the fact that she would call danny daniel and she was very um She's very surfacy, so I was like, oh, she's evil. Watch.
She's going to be the most evil one. But she shockingly managed to be just a very nice person who was trying to have a sort of mature experience on reality TV, and I didn't know what to do with it.
Well, she's the only one that looks kind of comfortable in this intro, boogieing down.

She looks great.

She's like, oh my god, I'm not pregnant for five minutes.

I'm going to enjoy this.

And I'm pregnant again.

By the end of this, she's like, oh, just got it back.

I'm pregnant.

So I have an announcement to make everybody.

And then they give Jesse Lolly, they give him also the egg yolk and egg yolk and eggshell combo

that they gave to Jax. Maybe it's the same shirt uh maybe they're just giving the douche bags this this orange shirt like this is the color symbol for like the worst douche bags on the show because here he is again he's he's wearing this the shirt is back again i should say and he's got sunglasses as well uh he still has his hair dent i'm oh i'm still impressed that he he continued what does he know not to wear that little band anymore? He loves that band.
He just has that band. You wear a headband and it keeps your hair dented.
That's just how it goes. He's looking a little bit better this year.
I like that he insisted on wearing his own pants. He's like, listen, you've already got me dressed like a magician, but I'm wearing decent pants.
Okay. I make money.
So then we go to this beautiful lady for the bachelor name.

What's her name?

Jack.

How did we forget her name?

Jacqueline.

She really had such a bad,

like she had like,

no,

she,

she was so wedged onto the show.

She almost had no,

no role.

Although she did start shit.

She got,

she definitely was a little bit of a bone carrier and she got some drama going,

but she,

her personal storyline was never really very vital to the show well her and zach was there to start shit with

everybody else no it's not we'll get it in a second but how do we not remember god i even

recapped her on like two seasons of the bachelor and i'm still forgetting her name that's terrible

okay i'll look it up so i'll look it up then kristin's like i have sunglasses too

also i like that's why i have that's why I have music things tattooed on my arm. I've listened to music before.
Sometimes when I'm being really fun, I put these sunglasses on Jill the dog. It's hilarious.
Seriously. She's so weird.
She has a treble and a bass clef turned into a heart on her arm. But then up here, also got the treble clef again like you already got that are you just so drunk that you're forgetting that you're getting the same tattoos but this time it's a heart uh she's also got a necklace with a k and an l oh um jasmine is the name not jacqueline it's jasmine yeah duh thank you for looking you know what's so sad is if you do a search on google for cast the valley um it brings up all these headshots and they include everyone but zach so mean they also half this cast looks crazy in their photos that google selects you know this picture that we're showing now is the the logo and it's over a shot of the valley and this really does encapsulate the valley this is freeways it's just freeways this is like the part of the freeway i've almost died 20 times like 10 freeways coming into one and then they're like oh you're the next exit go over 10 lanes in five seconds yeah is this laurel is this um i'm sorry is this like the 101 and the 170 when they peel off with each other i think it is there's like five freeways here there's like a million freeways yeah this is what it is and it's a nightmare and what's here's what's really terrible about let me tell people about driving on the 101 going west or north whichever you just whichever you decide what happens is you're driving on the 101 and the left two lanes peel off and become the 170.
So you need to stay in the right lanes in order to be on the 101. But let's say this.
Let's say you want to get off at Lake Laurel Canyon Boulevard or Vineland Boulevard. So you stay on those three lanes and you're in the three lanes, you're on the right side of the highway, ready to exit.
But then suddenly after the two lanes peel off to become the 170, all of a sudden your highway, the 101, merges with the 134. And all of a sudden you hanging out in the right lane, suddenly you're all the way in the left lane.
And now you have to get to that exit and you were all prepared to go to the exit because you're in the right lane,

but now suddenly, surprise, you're all the way on the left side of the highway and you had no

control over it. And now you've got to speed over an entire highway to get to your exit.

That is this intersection right here. Yeah, it's hell.
It's hell. So then we go to

some shots in Val. Wow, Witsit.
There's Ventura Boulevard. That's Laurel Terrace and Witsit.

I don't know. So then we go to some shops in Val.
Wow. There's Ventura Boulevard.

That's Laurel Terrace in Witsit.

That's where all the good stuff happens.

And here we are.

People on a boat.

Let's press play.

This is not part of the valley.

A boat.

What's that? I guarantee.

This is not part of the valley.

There's no place for a boat or a body of water like this in the valley.

Yeah.

This was a drive. This was a drive for a boat or a body of water like this in the valley.
Yeah, this was a drive.

This was a drive for sure.

Hey, baby.

What the f***?

That is so Kristen.

Okay, so they're on a boat.

It's Luke and Kristen.

It's beautiful.

He goes, hey, baby.

And she turns around and falls.

She's like, whoa.

And she falls into a ring.

And that's just so Kristen to be falling during her proposal. So he's like, hey baby, you want to get chicken nuggets with me for the rest of our lives? Seriously? Hey baby.
Seriously? What the f***? Will you be the catch of my lifetime, baby? Who would have thought? Would you be the catch of my lifetime, baby? Because they're fishing.

They're hunting fishing. Seriously? I didn't think that being on this boat here by Rancho Palos Verdes would ever lead to the moment of my lifetime.
Seriously. I never knew that he really would take my love of Wicked Tuna so seriously.
I propose while we're fishing. I was like, Wicked! What's Wicked Tuna? No.

I'm surprised they did not incorporate Jill into this proposal. Like how Jill come up with a little ring in a box, you know? Oh, the dog.
Jill. Jill, who they left all those rose petals for, and then Jill was like, Jill Zarin.
Or Jill Zarin. Who would have thought Kristen and Luke have the best relationship out of all? I think all of us thought that Kristen and Luke probably had the best relationship out of you two losers.
I mean, you've got Jax and you've got Lolly sitting here. We knew your relationship sucked.
You both seem like abusive fucking assholes. And Jax and his stupid Jax hat.
Oh, my God. By the way, he's got fake flowers behind him that are shaped like his hat.
And what's his other shirt? He's wearing his Jax's shirt and something like dad life. Dad, comma, life.
Dad life. Dad life.
Yeah, dad life. Or in his case, absentee dad life.
Yeah, no kidding. Dad kicked my child out of the house so I can keep living there.
Yeah. Screw his mother.
Not helping. Not helping at all, dad life.
Best relationship out of all. Jax has been seeing people.
He had a girl staying here at the house again last night. There is a song on my bathroom saying, it's like, why was there a baby wipe on top of it she went to a vagina and it's on your counter the new okay so there's a thong thong on my camera there was a girl there was a girl stained at my place last night britney is just making up this accent now nobody talks like this okay nobody says no yeah what are you the first act of my fair lady nobody talks like that.
And why are says north. What are you? We were just in Kentucky.
The first act of My Fair Lady.

Nobody talks like that.

And why are you wearing a blanket for a shirt in the valley?

It's 900 degrees.

J-A-I-X.

Yeah, this is a meeting of the minds over here with Michelle, Janet, and Brendi.

And they are discussing what vaginas may or may not have been wiped over in the household.

Thank you. Bill, Janet, and Brittany.
And they are discussing what vaginas may or may not have been wiped over in the household. Brittany, it's season two.
Do your roots! How is this the first thing we see in Brittany? Brittany, you're still a damn mess. But you're better than Janet, because Janet looks at some banking convention in the Midwest.
Who dressed Janet? I don't think Janet wants to wear this. She looks unhappy in it.
She's like, I told my friend, she's a struggling designer, that I wear it on TV, and I regret every single moment of that promise. Well, it's better than my friend who designs comforters.
I'm wearing a duvet on the TV. And Michelle Lally's like, oh my God, I hate both of you.
I'm wearing C-sides Rob Reiner gave me this top. What are these people wearing? It's from Rob Reiner.
It's just a white, thin, lazy thing. It's time for a commercial.
It's time for a Crappens commercial. Finding a therapist you trust shouldn't be so complicated or cost you a fortune.
That's why today's sponsor, Rula, was formed. Rula connects you with high-quality, vetted, licensed mental health professionals that are suited for you.
And here's the best part. They take most major insurance plans.
That means instead of paying hundreds out of pocket, you can pay as little as $15 per session. Rula also supports you every step of the way, from finding a therapist, to scheduling your sessions, to tracking your progress, and dealing with insurance.
They make it happen. I can't tell you how much therapy has helped me.
It is at its lightest. It's kind of like a nice mental scrub.
At its most heaviest, I am like working through issues. And I feel like it's really helped me grow as a person and get through the day's challenges.

Thousands have already trusted Rula to support them on their journey towards improved mental health and overall well-being.

Head over to Rula.com slash crappins to get started today.

After you sign up, they ask you where you heard about them.

Please support our show and tell them our show sent you.

Go to Rula.com slash crappins and take the first step towards better mental health today.

You deserve quality care from someone who cares. Elevating my style used to mean breaking the bank.
But with Quince, I get high-end, versatile pieces at prices I can actually afford. Now I can upgrade my style by snagging killer luxury essentials that sync with my vibe and my wallet.
it.

Quince has all the must-haves like Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50, iconic 100% leather jackets, and comfortable pants for every occasion. And the best part, all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.
By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices, along with premium fabrics and finishes.
I love it! I have my eye on this beautiful Italian wool overshirt that's on their side right now. It is gu-gu-gorgeous, especially the caramel color.
And honestly, I might treat myself to it later this week. Indulge in affordable luxury.
Go to quince.com slash crappens for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash crappens to get free shipping and 365 day returns.
Quince.com slash crappens. I want to see Michelle Lally have like, like smile.
Like this is Michelle Lally. You're finally freed from Jesse.
Smile. Enjoy it.
Be happy. Yeah.
Well, you got a thong with the baby wipe. Wipe on top of it.
She wipes her vagina and it's on your f***ing counter. The new Moby Dick for Brittany.
Zach. The new Moby Dick for Brittany.
Zach. It's a new Moby Dick for Brittany.

Zach is wearing a tank top that's got like Real Housewives of Orange County cutouts in it.

Yes.

And a new tattoo sleeve that makes it.

Wait.

Oh, no.

Is this a party where he looks like he's been run over by a car?

What's happening?

Yeah.

Well, something happened because Brittany has like a scuff on her elbow oh there's sheena sheena's there and then zach is um he has i don't know why is this like a zombie themed party i'm trying to understand why there's why it's why there's so much um graphic body arts going on right now yeah but it's only him and then she's got some on her elbow but no one else has any of that on them she was like she was like well i was gonna look like i was i wanted i was gonna participate in the theme of looking like you're involved by a zombie today but then i was afraid that summer moon would get really scared so i decided to refrain oh well this i think is a baby shower because look they have this balloon arch thing back here with, like, purples and pinks, and then, like, some kind of big balloon here. So do you think this is, like, a baby shower? Yeah, right? But, Len, it would be a baby shower for Kristen, maybe? But then they all hate Kristen, so I don't get it.
Oh, I don't know. Well, don't they have to make up? Well, she's not in any of these scenes, so not yeah i don't know i don't know who this

is for britney oh so is this a party i guess this is they're all dressed up in something race car this is them being wacky doing like a nascar themed event so that'll be fun okay $20

To start

This was on me

You look weird as

You're mean to my friend. Okay, so this is the wacky fun and games part.
They're having a group dinner, and Chris is like, $20 to snort wasabi. So Luke does it, which is not his $20, and he was like, they're $20, you know.
Trying to win for the other couples. Stay staying within the family also so I guess Kristen is back in with the group so you know we never got a reunion last season never forget so there's so much that we don't really know where they stand you know we don't know what the vibe is with this group now is Jax there is there no Jax is this well rehab, do we think? Oh, probably, because at the very end is Brittany and then Zach.
And so we don't see Jax. We do see a new douche nozzle right here with his head.
We only get the back of his head here. The comb over is comb overing.
And then this girl's new, right? That's not Nia? I think that might be nia with a strange angle oh okay well that would make sense she's sitting next to jesse let's see she doesn't look like me i could be wrong um maybe it's new no no i don't think that's nia that's not nia no no especially because we see nia from that other shot is i don't know who that is she's an interloper yeah i think this is nia this head right here but let's see yeah i think so don't look weird as you're mean to my friend i think you're toxic i think you're a narcissist and i'm happy i don't have to deal with you well this well damn who's that lala lala coming in Oh, this is Lala? Oh, Jesus. Why are they doing this? Come on, man.
Your show got canceled. Go away.
Stop the fucking deal with Lala. Look at Sheena next to her and be like, Yeah, I'm just gonna say it with my eyes.
I'm with Lala. I'm with Lala.
I stand with her. I have a nose ring now.
I have a necklace this summer. You would think it's for my daughter.
Because he's mean to her friends. He's a misogynist.
Which is not inaccurate. It's just Lala.
Jesse, meanwhile, is trying to stand strong. But he's got fringe that's interrupting his hair.
So he's getting really upset. He like hi i've done ayahuasca which is why i'm wearing this necklace and i have still healthy hair for my age so fuck off what about that uh and i'm kind of upset that this umbrella fringe is getting into my hair also i like that he's getting told off but you can see through the reflection of his sunglasses what he's concentrating on, and it's her rack.
Yep. And just the boobs.
Nothing but boobs. He's like, all I hear are your boobs.
Sick, and I'm happy I don't have to deal with you. Well, this gave me a good laugh, so thank you for that.
Scrotox. Let's trick and shoot your balls up.
Danny's getting Scrotox. He's gonna be funny.
Danny. Scrotox.
He's gonna get in there. Maybe he'll do his video game voiceover while he's doing the appointment.
What was it? What was the video game he did? Was it Walking Dead, the video game or something? Yeah, he's done the show Walking Dead. He plays a zombie in Walking Dead.
He's got a never-ending job where, yeah, he walks around. He's like.
That's funny. So he's going to get Scrotox.
He's going to be wacky. Okay.
Is this Jesse doing some sort of scream therapy? Hi, Mr. Kochi.
You've been served served i already told him well now it's jack's getting served done what how special how special that you know anytime that someone gets served on camera i always feel like we are so blessed and look at john he's posing with his head down in his hands in prayer motion, and then he's slowly bringing

his head up. Like, guys,

he's somber. Getting served,

sucker. He's been through things.

Yeah. I already told

him filing, restraining

order, and custody.

It's like a very low-end version

of receipts-proof timeline.

Filing,

restraining order, custody.

Filing, restraining

Thank you. Version of Receipts Proof Timeline.
Filing. Restraining order.

Custody.

Filing.

Restraining order.

And custody.

And custody.

And chicken fingers.

Do not forget chicken fingers. What is she eating?

What is this?

Is this like a noodle bowl of some sort?

Yeah.

It's like some sort of fat.

Like Chinese food to go.

Jade noodles or something.

She's got a big ass knife for it. Whatever it is is but i like whoever's eating with her is having a bowl yeah someone ordered sweet greens she's like i think i'm gonna get jade noodles but i want a big knife for it and is there cake here on the side i love this these people order like me you know it's what you get when uber eats will go like to five places like and also i'll have cake and also a bowl uh but don't worry, I got my own steak knife.
Because in LA, they don't give you that shit. I got my steak knife.
Those noodles are real crunchy. I got my steak knife for it.
In LA, they're like, we're saving a treat. Eat with your hands.
I'll do that. Sorry.
No, that arrow tattoo, that's to remind you which hand uses the fork and which hand uses the big steak knife. She's like, and by the way, I'm with stupid.
Wait, hold on. Let me stop saying that.
Which way is it pointing? Yeah, she's having a big meal. I'm at the point where I'm so in love with the man I want to become that I'm just not satisfied with who I am anymore.
What? Oh, so Jax's addiction is rooted in his aspirations to be a better person. Got it.
But see, this is what I'm saying about Jax. He's like, I'm going to do a very touching drug addicted video in my Jax's Studio City hat.
But also, I'll also promote my bar at the same time.

It's going to go viral, so I'm going to promote my bar.

He's just so, I just don't believe a fucking thing from this guy.

You're in love with a man you could become.

You're in love with the man that you are, Jax, okay?

You just think that nobody else is on board, and you just need to do the right things to

make them get on board with it.

I also love how we're in the year 2025, it's been probably a solid like decade or two since we've used camcorders and still they're like let's put the recorder with a little circle up at the top there just so everyone knows this is a home video and we know this is fake because it's fully charged that would never be jack's camcorder it would always be like blinking red, you know, like, must charge, must charge.

He would be snorting the battery charge out.

He's like going up to the picture.

He's like...

Jax, he can snort a bar out of it.

I'm so in love with the man I want to become

that I'm just not satisfied with who I am anymore.

Michelle.

The infamous male on Bravo,

I'm going to cry into a camcorder so people believe it also look he doesn't have the tattoo here oh so it's hand well observed well observed and he doesn't have them here yeah where'd they come from so he must have got them into rehab rehab he he realized the man he wants to be she's basically quoting jerry mcguire i love you for But the man he wants to be, and the man Jerry Maguire. I love you for the man He wants to be and the man you already are.
I love you. I love Jerry.
It's like the human brain weighs eight pounds Ah, I want to say that I'm just not satisfied with who I am anymore Michelle committed that she cheated on me.

I heard that it's such a... that I'm just not satisfied with who I am anymore.
Michelle admitted that she cheated on me. Well, I don't blame her.
Michelle admitted that she cheated on me. First of all, you didn't cheat, Jesse Lally, my asshole.
You didn't cheat. Come on.
Yeah. Michelle deserved to cheat, and Godspeed.
I am proud of her. I am proud of her her for cheating i like this look she's giving she's like shirt in unfortunately i stained my dress right afterwards but you know i cheated on him a hundred years ago when this dress was first made okay let's see who she cheated with Michelle Michelle committed that she cheated on me.
I have evidence that she's sleeping with a billionaire for $1,500 a night. Did you? What the hell? So now you're going to call her a hoe on TV? Oh, that's Danny.
So he's saying that she's like a hooker. Danny from Luke.
Wow. Wow.
I have evidence that she's sleeping with a billionaire for $1,500 a night. Who the fuck tells some walking dead extra their business? I want to see your evidence, sir.
I'm not telling some under five zombie what I'm paying somebody to sleep with them. Bullshit.
bullshit also um in the background there's a book that says mexican today and i don't know

i don't know if i don't know whose apartment we're in um if this is kristin's though i like to think that kristin found the book i was like i'd like to know what's going on with mexico today and buy the book you guys know what's going on with mexico today hold on let me get the book i think this is someone who's just like let's just get red books you know let's just get books that are the same color and put them together. Because they're all with red.
It's with other red books. Yeah.
I think it's probably Danny and Nia's house, actually, because I think Nia is the sort of person who organizes books by the rainbow. And she's like, I saw this on the complete edit or whatever that, the home edit.
Remember we watched that? We've recapped the home edit once. Yeah.
She's like, go together um so suppose now if she is getting fifteen hundred dollars a night i mean good for her that's a lot of money god damn yeah why not why not get paid for for the things you enjoy you know did you not keep me whoa so he said she and she throws a full damn that's a full glass that's a A lot. That500 a night.
Did you not keep me? Whoa. So he said, did you not cheat? And she throws a full, damn, that's a full glass.
That's a lot. That was like liquid.
Good thing he had his hair already in a band because otherwise his hairstyle would be ruined. That's why I always wear his headbands because he gets so many drinks, so many drinks thrown in his face.
So this is a vacation right i think so because there's like a tap in the foreground yeah and that makes it sort of looks like a vacation rental i feel like she went and got a pint glass and filled it all the way up so that way she could just so she could do it to him because that is a huge amount of water to come from a cup yeah just to be prepared in a jesse scene Okay. F*** you.
When Jason goes out, he takes his wedding ring off. Oh! Jason goes out again.
This is the storyline I wanted. This one right here.
Now the stink is going to hit you, Jason. Now it's going to hit you.
God, I love pregnant Mariposa. I feel like she just wants to sit somewhere and listen to Fleetwood Mac.
Well, also, Janet's trying to fuck with Kristen. Like, Janet's never watched these shows.
You are barking up the wrong tree, ma'am, coming for Kristen. I hope Kristen ruins this chick's life for all the shit she's been trying to do with Kristen.
Now, I point this out. I feel like in every episode we do of every show now, but these eyebrows stop.
This trend has to stop, you guys. Stop magic marking on your eyebrows.
You look crazy. And they're all doing it.
Even Jax's are like this now. Stop it.
You look nuts. Okay, so she's saying that Jason is going out without his wedding ring.
Meanwhile, Janet is dressed like a catering napkin. Like, who folded her? Janet is so happy in the shot.
Look at her's like i did it i finally got to kiss my husband he takes his wedding ring off there's been back okay so who are these two bald guys i don't know but they're they're clearly not supposed to be there because look at this random woman just laughing she's like who the fuck invited these guys to the party she's like i'm the one who told i'm the one who told they're like yeah bro wedding ring yeah we got into the valley party bro can you believe it jennett's like who are these men why are they in my party right now i am disgusted does jennett have one outfit that's not terrible please i'm not even a fashion gay like i don't sit here and stare at everybody's fashions but come on you guys like i live in the valley now I'm gonna need some more effort put in here. And'm not even a fashion gay.
Like I don't sit here and stare at everybody's fashions, but come on, you guys. Like I live in the Valley now.
I'm going to need some more effort put in the, and I'm an old Navy gay. And even I'm like, girl, come on now.
Why? And this, I don't expect much from the men though. I have to say.
I love the girl on the right. I mean, she's one of us.
She's like, I got into, I can't believe it. I got into the show.
I'm here. There's douchebags around janet's wearing something terrible i cannot wait to tell my friends she's like how is this on television who is this guy he looks familiar though he this bald guy he looks like he's should be one of those sonic commercials you know for the drive looksthru like um the old guy who dances for six flags you know those old commercials or like michael darby these two guys definitely have michael darby energy yeah okay there's been background of danny getting wasted and pansy and inappropriate oh there's a background of danny getting wasted and handsy and inappropriate.
Oh, there's a background of Danny getting wasted and handsy and inappropriate. Oh, so now she's like, we knew that would happen.
How could you get wasted and alcoholic and inappropriate, Danny? And he's like, it's because every time I go try to read a book, they're all red. It just makes me drink and get handsy with somebody.
I don't want to know what's happened with Mexico today. Yeah, do you know what happened with Mexico yesterday? I love you.
I put your head right in my boobs. Well, that's what I wanted to be.
That's what comforts me. Brittany, there's no other option.
So Brittany is hugging Zach who's sitting down and she puts his boobs in his face and she's like, come here, hug mama. She's like, hey, you got your boobs in, you got your face in my boobs.
Where else are they going to go, Brittany? Your boobs take up half the room. Brittany, and she's got some sort of like, some sort of kerchief in her hair, like a ribbon of some sort, then her ponytail.
I don't know what you call it when you do your ponytail like that, where it's like a bunch of different balls dangling down, but then she's in a bright orange dress. She's definitely giving a lot of different looks and patterns all at once.
She is. I think they're going to Mexico for July 4th, and so she just put that red, white, and blue thing in her mirror.
That's my guess. That would make sense.
And he's like, I'm not going to wear red, white, and blue, but I am white, so I'll wear teal or like a dark aqua. And I'm halfway there.
Yeah. It's just such an honor to finally be invited onto the cast trip.
Brittany's like, I'm going to dress like they dress in America, like a pumpkin. I'm going to wear American flag in my hair, but also wear a little bit of light blue, too, just because it's fun.
Yeah. You're exhausting.
You give care of energy, and I'm done done with it my husband's not the one good for her jasmine telling off who i'm assuming is janet because she says you give karen energy right yeah oh i thought she said you give parent energy i was like wow like karen energy that makes much more sense let's see energy and i'm done with it oh Missed it. Let's go back a little more.
You're exhausting. You give carrot energy and I'm done with it.

My husband's not the one out here grabbing asses. Wow.
Wow. Wow.
Does that mean that Janet, they're this year? My God. So Janet sitting in front of a Casamigos sign is like, yeah, well, my husband's not the one out here grabbing asses.
And Jason's like, oh, could be. Have they turned, well, it looks like the big sign on the back says Brits.
Have they turned Jaxes into Brits? Is that the whole thing? No, he still has Jaxes in Davao, but she has Brits now in the Lisa Vanderpump Disneyland of West Hollywood. She opened a place

called Brits on that stretch. That's right.

Yeah, because look at it.

There's this Casamigos sign and then

a poster of her printed out

from Hewlett Packard and

taped onto the Casamigos sign.

Doing great on this bar.

I'm like, God damn it.

I can't be everywhere

at once, you know. Commercial know commercials here comes one right now if you're looking for a way to streamline your streaming prime video has got you covered on prime video you can actually add over a hundred subscriptions like max apple tv plus and paramount plus all in one.
It's so much easier to just turn on Amazon Prime now and get all of my subscriptions right in one little hub. It's amazing.
I'm watching Severance right now on Apple, and I'm also watching White Lotus on Macs, and boom, I can watch them in the same app right now. It makes it so much easier to not forget what I'm watching and what app I need to open.
Check out subscriptions on Prime Video. We've both been on a decorating journey lately, so we're just like really happy to have found our sponsor, Revival Rugs.
Revival's founders didn't want to spend thousands on a new rug, but they didn't want to settle for mass-produced cheap alternatives either. Revival is a global company with teams in the U.S.
as well as weaving regions in India, Turkey, and Morocco. They blend traditional techniques with contemporary designs.
And let me tell you something. I got a Revival rug and I actually decided to put it in the bedroom and it's under the bed right now.
And I absolutely love it. It had been hardwood floors all this time.
And to actually put my feet out of the bed in the morning and have them touch that beautiful, beautiful rug, it feels so luxurious and so lovely. I am beyond thrilled with it.
And the ordering experience, the shipping experience, I mean, everything was just so easy and fast. If you're in the market for a new rug, check out Revival Rugs.
Visit RevivalRugs.com slash WWC and use code CRAPPINS20 for 20% off your first order. That's RevivalRugs.com slash WWC code CRAPPINS20.
One more time, RevivalRugs.com slash WWC with code CRAPPINS20 to save 20% off your order. The one out here grabbing asses grabbing acid wow uh-oh so nia's like how dare you they're like in the el compadre she's like how dare you do you know how hard it is not to eat this shell on this taco salad without listening the fact that you're talking about my husband when i put so much in for so much research into finding out what's happening in Mexico today, and here we are in Mexico, I'm ready, and now you're going to ruin this moment.
Mexico today, people are being mean to my husband. Brittany's roots just keep getting longer and longer in every episode.
I love it. Okay.
You. You're drunk.
Okay, so I love that she tells Janet, fuck you, and Lee's going to look at stupid Janet. She's like, it's supposed to be my birthday at the bank today, but I guess we're just going to all ignore that.
Here goes Janet. Not getting my birthday at the bank again.
Michelle's like, is anyone else disturbed that I match all of the plates on the table? This lady behind me. I decided to dress like shredded iceberg lettuce.
What'd you say? Sorry, what were you saying? I was saying that Michelle's like, I decided to dress in the same color palette as Iceberg Lettuce today. I was saying this lady's walking behind them like, I'm not clearing that table.
These fuckers aren't tipping me anyway. They never fucking tip me.
Definitely not. Yeah.
Definitely not. Look how messy that table is.
Okay, so let's see. You're a drunk.
Well, she's a hicker, so it's fine. Oh my God.
These two are going to be great to drunk well she's a hooker so it's fine oh my god these two are gonna be great to watch so like you're a drunk and jesse says well she's a hooker whoa oh my god yeah these two are gonna be like the edward alby duo of the season they're just gonna be doing going low blow they're really going there this year she hicker, so it's fine. I'm the mother of your child.
This is why I... Well, I mean, damn.
Wow. Wow, it's getting dark between these two.
She's like, I'm screaming behind my goal weight. How dare you? How are they getting this whole shot of her from behind an umbrella how do they yeah how are they not how did they not swiftly just like get around that but like how do they send her that umbrella pole on the shot come on now i am the mother of your child i am the pole of your child how dare you i keep this family sheltered from rain and sun.

Yeah, these two are a disaster. It's great.

I just love

that this show's like, okay, congrats. You had

a great first season. We're giving you even

less money for the next season.

We're giving you a cameraman

who's in film school, freshman,

and $5

to shop at the Joanne's Fabrics for your costume for the rest of the year. The clearance, since they're going out of business.
The mother of your f***ing child! This is why I feel crazy 24-7. I've never blacked out and hurt my friends.
I can't. That's all we get of Zach.
And now Zach. Hair, somewhat more natural and lifelike than before and he's like this is why i feel fucking crazy 24 seven that's it so now he is he has um now he has an even newer look he has like a pompadour going on in the shot um there's a pompadour there and then and then he goes right to like backwards cap which is i don't know something is that's a lot of hair to cram under that cap i have to say it's a lot does have a lot of hair his hair actually looks really nice here in this one i'm so jealous it's nice it's like very like alan thick right yeah very thick hair okay so i've never blacked out and hurt my friends i can't see oh okay so now we're now we're judging each other like on how shitty we are okay so you are fine for now except your beard is gonna get out of control i'm telling you right now luke and then although is he wearing a shirt Valley Crew? Yeah.
He's a little on the nose. He's branding what we're already watching.
He hasn't figured out, like, you're supposed to brand another business, but he's wearing that. And then, Jason, you're taking off your wedding ring to flirt with other people.
Don't blame you. I mean, you're married to Janet.
And now we're going to judge somebody because he blacks out occasionally. Come on.
He's like, I'll go to church. I've got four under five.
Four under five. I'm trying to figure out where they're eating.
There's a lot of these little French fries on all the glasses and on the paper wrappers. Is that a place that we should know about? H&H? Is it H&H? HH? I don't know.
Is that what it says? I can't tell. I want to go there.
It looks delicious. Johnny Rockets? No.
What is that? I want to get a basket of fries and a beer and a little condiment in one of those little containers on the side. Who's stopping you, buddy? Who is stopping you? I want to have a cup of water that, because it's free, they give you a really tiny cup for it.
So you have to go back up. Is that so you have to go back up that was a shot i think that's just like that's just water on the side so you know you're like oh i've got to go refill it 10 times because they will only give me the smallest cup i know bastards okay and jason's like listen i make a lot of effort i've eaten the least amount of fry sauce as all of you so i don't know why i'm getting getting in trouble.
Yeah, he has a lot of fries left in his basket. Everyone else went all through theirs.
But his are so high there, you can see them above the paper. Yeah, he's the best body here.
So he's like, I'm not eating these fries, and I'm only having a sip of beer. So suck it, fry sauce.
He's like, I see Jax. I see Jesse.
I'm not going not gonna become one of them i will only get one for her

blacked out and hurt my friends i can't take it i want to scream god dang it that's how we talk in the valley like god dang it i don't want to say and he's like yeah Me too.

Me too.

Me too.

Especially.

Ooh, look who's here.

Other Logan.

Lala's going gonna ruin this show i'm calling it right now why would they let lala on here britney just won something at uh dave and busters it looks like point crash okay no this is not as classy as the dave and busters wherever is no listen okay you don't know what i come from we had to like get cans out of trash cans to like pay rent i had to stick my car at the parking lot where i were oh getting lined just kidding but i love that they're getting she's like crying she's like you guys don't know how poor I was growing up. And they're getting a private chef.
I know. Catered dinner with like kubas.
Well, also, they're in the dessert course, it looks like. And this looks like it's some sort of fruit, but like maybe like an ice cream element.
And they're all like, Nia, this is nice, but our ice cream is melting. We have to start eating.
Oh, I thought this was like a caprese. Because see all the pretty.
Oh, you know what? I think it's a caprese. Yeah.
Yeah. I think it's a caprese.
Either way. Could you at least wait until we get to our dessert? I mean, yeah.
Give it a second. Give it a second.
And Janet's like, I wore another terrible outfit for this. So why do we have to concentrate on you being poor? Okay.
All right. Let's see.
Michelle Lally is like. Michelle Lally is like i just climbed out of a well and attacked someone to their television how was your day going so like hey rent i have to sleep in my car at the parking lot where i work he has people watching me oh no so we go to britney's house and but first of all this the way they transition, she's like, I had to sleep in my car after work.
And then it transitions into Brittany holding her baby. That's cold, you guys.
So Brittany is standing by a box that says bread. I was going to say, I wonder where they keep the bread in this house.
And she's holding the baby, who's, I think, got a mullet, which I don't approve of. And then it goes into that recording TV filter and she says, Jax has people watching me.
So he put cameras in that. I mean, that doesn't look like a hidden camera.
So he's just like tapping into the cameras and watching them. I guess so.
Jax is watching me. Meanwhile, there's a camera crew there.
Yeah. So much.
My husband's in rehab. You have to attack me because you're going through something.
Michelle and I are the most sane people in this whole house. Oh, God.
This show really goes off the wire. So Jax is watching Brittany through the camera.
She's pulling a Ralph. And Brittany is still into rope art.
I'm not really sure what this is. Yeah.
Big rope just hanging there in the back. Yeah.
And then she comes for Nia. And Nia's like, oh, you don't get to cry about going through a hard time.
And that's why you're coming for me. Except I think that that's probably why Nia was just crying over her caprese.
Like trying to get them to stop coming for her. Because she went through hard times.
So it's going to be like a trauma Olympics, which is very nowadays, guys. It's drafty in this house because she's wearing a blanket and then we go to Jesse and he's also wearing a blanket.
Maybe they're in Big Bear or something like that. There's somewhere cold because he's wearing the same blanket.
Although no one else seems to be cold, just Jesse and Nia. Jesse's just hanging out with the camera crew watching.
It's like behind the scenes. Yeah, exactly.
Just watch the woman shoot their scene. Yeah, it's like, we're the most normal out of all these people.
Michelle and I are the most sane people in this whole house. Yes, I'm going through some shit.
I just want you to be there for me. That's all I want, Kristen.
It's always the dudes. When the wife is pregnant, the the dudes are like i just need someone to be there for me you don't have a child inside of you right now yeah she's like i'm holding a baby with a beard inside of me and i've had this braid on for like an entire year or so i put the braid on because nia said that's what was happening in mexico today for me that's all i want kr It's your reason it's crazy Kristen, not crazy Jan.
I'm done with that. Don't make...
So now Luke's like, I'm going to walk around the hotel in my underwear. I'm very upset.
No, Luke, this isn't Montana. Get your ass back inside.
Nobody... That's a nice hotel to watch you walk around in your fucking Hanes.
Yeah, put on a robe. Come's a reason it's crazy christian not crazy janet for some reason it's crazy christian not crazy janet oh janet's gonna be a victim this year now who's this hey there's that new girl that's that same one from that dinner party remember we're like who is that where i thought for a second it was nia yeah why aren't they telling us who she is that's so weird she's not crazy jansen done with that.
Was she the girl who was smiling at us? She wasn't the girl who was smiling at us, was she? No. Okay.
This is a different girl. So then, on a boat, Brittany's in the captain's hat.
Brittany, she's like, I got a knife. This knife isn't as good as the knife I got at home to eat my takeout but it'll do and Zack looks crazy he's making that face of the Kravitz neighbor always spying on Bewitched what's going on over here I can't take one more fucking second of the shot I can't take a done with that don't make me knock your ass out knock me out whoa whoa whoa wait first of all what britney's wearing a little sailor cap and and a lay but she's also like got her fork and a knife she's like she's like ready to eat her meal too and then there's some random dude next to eating her meal to fight.
She's like, I'm in the middle of a bite, sir. So then Janet is about to get in a fight with who is that that's fighting with Janet.
I can't tell who it is. Hold on.
Let's listen to it. It's very important.
Done with them. Don't make me knock your ass out.
Knock me out. You're a fan, bitch.
Oh, someone says, don't make me knock your ass out. Whoever's in an orange dress, it sounds like Michelle.
Kristen, I think, says, you're a fan. Oh, okay.
So she's like, don't make me knock you out, bitch. And Janet says, knock me out.
And she goes, you're a fan, bitch. Which is true because she got into all these people by being a personal assistant to Sheena.
That's where Janet came from.

And then she just kind of kept climbing her way

until she ended up badly dressed on this show.

I've never seen someone climb a ladder this high

and stay in Rayon the whole time.

I've got to give her credit.

And also, clearly, no Jax on this trip.

Jax is really missing from a bunch of this entire trailer.

It's wild.

You're a f***ing fan, bitch.

I was a f***ing terrible husband.

Good father, great father.

Terrible husband.

Yeah.

You are not a great father.

How can you be a great father if you're a terrible husband?

You are not a good father, sir.

You had Brittany and your child move out of the house so you could stay there. there.
That's not a good father. We saw how hands-on you were.
You were barely doing anything over there. And look at what sweatshirt he's wearing while he says that.
Violent. It says violent.
It's probably violent or something. And then, of course tom schwartz a little a little

a little dollop of tom schwartz and the entire thing he's like yeah yeah man yeah yeah great dad

yeah what's your what's your daughter's name again he's like i don't know do stuff with your daughter

the valley all new season, April 15th.

Wow.

Great.

We'll be there.

Absolutely.

We will be.

I can't wait.

It's going to be, it looks like a really good season.

Oh yeah.

It's going to be good.

I'm glad Janet's going to get hers and all the men are going down.

Damn.

All the men except Luke look like they're going down this year.

All right.

Well, this was a fun one.

Thanks everybody so much for being here. We will talk to you next week, okay? Bye, everyone.
Watch what Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King.
Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious.
It's Amanda Foster. It's Always Automatic with Ashley Otto.
Ashley Savoni. She don't't take no baloney Put your hands together for Carly Clapp Catherine D.
Bernardo has our hard-o Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt Dana C. Dana Do She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela Itchles We never miss her call, it's Diane Call Aaron McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less Jamie, she has no no less name-y.
You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go, we all go for Hugo.
Hava Nagila Weber. We could all learn from Jennifer Kearns.
She's our kind of mess. It's Jennifer Messer.
Sips some scotch with Jessica Trotch. Knock, knock, knocking on Katie Manok's door.
She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson.
Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B. Rigging the funk, it's Leslie Plunkett.
She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino.
Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. We love her on the rocks, it's Melissa Cox.
Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg. This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian.
I love-a-ya, Olivia Williamson. Tastier than Flandersen, it's Rachel Manderson.
She sure is swell, it's Raquel. Yes we canna, it's Sadana.
Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.
The Bay Area Betches, Betches. And our super premium sponsors.
She's VVIP, it's Amanda V. Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.
Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. She's got a leg up, it's Beth-Anee.
We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neill.
Don't get salty with Christine Pepper.

Can't have a meal without the Emily

Sides. Who, what, why, where

and Gwen Pentland. It's our

queen. It's Queen Laifa.

Nobody holds a candle to Jamie

Kendall. Know your worth with

Jason Kerr. We got our wish.
It's

Jen Plisch. She's not harsh.

She's Jill Hirsch. She's a little

bit loony. Junie.
My favorite Murdo. Karen McMurdo.
She gets an A. It's not harsh.
She's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony.
Junie.

My favorite Murdo. Karen McMurdo.

She gets an A. It's Kelly B.

We love him madly. It's Kyle

Pod Chadley. We're ride or die

for Lisa Ryder Baron. She's a whiz.

It's Liz Sarthy. Always

killing it. It's Low Alkalani.

The Incredible Edible Matthews Sisters.

She eases our woes.

It's Melissa St. Rhodes.
Give him hell, Miss Noel. She's the Queen Bee.
It's Sarah Lemke. Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony.
Let's take off with Tamla Plain. She ain't no shrinking Violet Kuchar.
We love you guys. If you like Watch What Crappens, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music.

Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

Packages by Expedia.

You were made to be rechargeable.

We were made to package flights, hotels, and hammocks for less. Expedia, made to travel.
Have you ever wondered how a circus performer could become the most powerful woman in the Byzantine Empire? Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery that pulls back the curtain on royal families, from ancient empires to modern monarchs, to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty. Before she ruled an empire, Theodora was a teen sensation in circus shows featuring dancing bears, burlesque performers, and blood-soaked chariot races.
But when her star came crashing down, she clawed her way from rock bottom to the very top, using everything from comedy to espionage to get there. Empress Theodora didn't just survive.
She revolutionized women's rights across the Byzantine

Empire, like changing laws to let women divorce men, own property, and bring abusive men to

justice. For all her work in pioneering, she's remembered as the most powerful Byzantine empress

in history. Follow Even the Royals on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to Even the Royals early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus.