#2987 Below Deck S12E14 Part 1: Don’t Speak

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Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappins. I forgot to play our intro video, but we're going to roll with it.
Hi, I'm Ronnie, and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good.
What's going on with you today, honey?

Not much. Just had a really fun Labor Day weekend.
We had so much fun on Amazon Live last night. I went over to Ronnie's house to give him his birthday gift.

And then we played video games and did Amazon Live together. And you all should watch it because we always act like two little kids when we are sitting together and on camera.

We were playing the Quest,

what is it? The Quest 3 virtual reality stuff. That was really fun.
I got to watch Ben play golf. Well, it was pretty fun.
Yeah, it was pretty fun. And shoot aliens.

So, yeah, we had a good teenage boy day.

Today is Below Deck Day, okay? If you want these on video, go over to Patreon.

If you want them a week later, you don't care about getting them fresh, you can get them free on YouTube at our Watch What Crappens channel. Also on Patreon is where you get our bonus episodes.

We did a three-hour Love Island last week, which was a lot. And this week, we're going to probably do Real House Boys of Potomac Trailer Trash because that just came out.

A below deck trailer just came out too, but honestly, it looks the same. It's a bunch of fuckboys

on each other. Except this time, there's also Captain Sandy, you know, offering a hug after everybody gets fucked over.
So

that should be fun. It has been kind of weird.

Having a little lighter schedule. We're not used to that.
I mean, Bravo has been lightening up and then now now we've got mcb leaving i mean what the heck what are we supposed to do

well some things we can consider a blessing i think uh

we're about to get salt lake city coming back uh potomac is coming back we will have a below deck uh med i'm sure there'll be some other things uh but i agree it is kind of lighter I'm sort of enjoying it.

I mean, I'm enjoying this sort of casual turn, but we need to, we need to,

we need to have our Bravo, though like we could only have so much downtime okay so like let's fill the let's fill the bravo coffers again let's get some shows up and running uh but for the meantime it seems like this below deck is winding down that the end is nigh they have one charter left i just want to say something that i think we've said before um but i feel like it's just important just to say it now like fraser

It's been, I think, three seasons of him being Chief Stu.

I just don't know if he's up for it. I just don't think he he can do it.

I don't. I don't think he's a manager.
I think he is, I think he is someone who is detail-oriented, and I think that he's probably a good, like, obeyer.

But I feel like when it comes to watching him manage his staff season after season, I just fear that this is not his strong suit. And he always talks about trying to grow and trying to get better.

But I feel like when Jess gives SoSo the reprimand that's stronger than Fraser, that's not good. You can't have Jess be the one who is a better Chief Sue than Fraser is.

Well, yeah, I mean, I think Fraser probably plays to the audience, you know, because he mentions a lot. Like, well, first they said I was this, and then they said I was that.

And I think he means the audience, you know, like

he,

like he says in this episode,

I'm trying to change my managerial skill because I was too confrontational last time. And then now I'm trying to do this.

It seems like he finishes the season, reads what people are saying, and tries to adjust instead of just doing a good job. You know what I mean? Like he's trying to win points with the audience.

He's too affected by the audience. And I think it's got to be really hard when you're a reality star to, and I use that term lightly, but

to read all the shit that's said about you online. And we see it with housewives all the time trying to adjust their behavior.

And it just ends up screwing you over because then you're trying to be someone else.

and if you can't even be yourself that well you're certainly not going to be anybody else that well and i think it ends up screwing them over and fraser is suffering from that i saw something he he was doing an instagram not like q a thing you know where they ask questions and he answers it and someone said

some someone asked him some question he was like well you know um i've got to give the haters the chance to comment Have fun, haters. And I'm like, you care too much.
Like, you're on a show.

People are going to comment about the show. I know it can't be easy to read that stuff because, listen, we get nasty comments sometimes, and we'll be both of us will be fetal.

I mean, not as much anymore, we get used to it, but there have been times where we're like, Oh my god,

oh, so I get it, but at the same time, you know, you put yourself out there, and people have the right to say something.

And I wouldn't be able to read anything because I think even the perfect people get called idiots and assholes on the internet. No one escapes,

yeah, yeah. I think what if the the issue is that he's too concerned about like, you know, his public persona,

that's not good.

I just don't know. I just, you know, he keeps on, he keeps on acting like in the past he was too quick to fire.

I'm like, well, maybe you were too quick to fire, but it's also not great to be too slow to fire as well. But it's not even about firing.

It just seems like we made some jokes last week about how Fraser was like, I'm going to give so-so a talking to. And he walks up and he's like, please be a little faster.

Can you please work some more and it's like you've got to like have some you've got to like you've got to like crack crack the what is it crack the whip whatever it is you gotta like you gotta like come on like light the fire under these people a little bit more and it's not like okay so yesterday I went to I'm gonna relate this to terrible parenting because I think that's what this ultimately is I went to a farmer's market yesterday and they had you were gonna talk about Bueller because you were over here yesterday and Bueller kept licking you and coming to sit by you and coming to sit on you and coming to sit under you I went to my friend's house and his dog was out of control.

I was like, wait a minute, this car is hitting too close to home.

No. So

I went to a farmer's market and they had, you know, those little things, the anti-fly things, the little propellers that go around. They're like those little

flies.

It goes around. So some little kid plucks it like a vendor had put it amongst their wares.
Some little kid plucks it off because he thinks it's a toy.

So the vendor's smiling at first and the kid's like, ooh.

And then the kid starts walking away with it and then the dad's like okay you you have to give that back and he's like no he's like you have to give that back

i want it he's like you have to give that back and like is walking far away and i'm like

and the dad's like the dad makes this sort of like lame sort of swipe at it he goes and and the kid's like no and the dad goes

He has this look like, well, I tried. I'm like, you're the dad.
You're bigger. You're stronger.
You can pull that thing away from your son.

Don't be like, why are you negotiating with your little terrorist? Okay. This kid just stole something from the vendor.

And you're like, for a moment, I felt like if no one was watching, the guy would have been like, well, he really wants it. So, and I kind of feel like that's how Fraser is with Selane.

He's kind of like, well, could you not take any breaks? That would be great. Thank you.
And you just need to sometimes grab the toy out and give it back to the farmer.

Yeah, I mean, look, I'm not as down on Selene as everybody else. I think in the in the whole scheme of things, the people that we've seen on below deck, I mean, we could have Camille.

You know what I mean? Someone like that, who is just literally the worst. Selene has an attitude.
Selene does smoke when she's not supposed to.

She does, she did do that thing where she just went to bed and didn't finish her work. I mean, I'm not going to sit here and say Selane is a...
good employee, but I think we've seen way worse.

And one point that he made in his Q ⁇ A,

he was kind of standing up for Selene and saying, like, because everyone's like, why aren't you firing Celane? She's terrible. And he said, you know, because she at least

she's nice about it and she like takes the notes and she actually does work hard. And, you know, people are, what? What about the time she went to bed when she did it?

You know, I see that side too, but I also do see his side in that in that Celane does work. I mean, we don't, we see Selene take too many breaks or eat breakfast when she's not supposed to.

And Barbara even said, and I trust Barbara, like Barbara seems like a trustworthy employee, right? And when she says, we're all used to Selene not really doing as much work as she's supposed to do.

So I, and, and making Rainbow, you know, we give Rainbow a lot of shit on this show, but Rainbow does pick up a lot of slack of this girl.

So I'm not standing up for Selene and saying she's the best, but I do think that we also see Selene working, and that seems to be a hard job. And I see her working and keeping it light and having fun.

So I don't know. But the thing with Fraser is he's just such a wuss.
He always does these manipulative ways of dealing with things instead of just dealing with it head-on.

He's got the balls to go to the captain and complain to everybody, but he doesn't really have the nuts to do it right to their face in the proper way. So I definitely see what you're saying.

And he does it again in this episode. It's like, you know, you tell people not to talk to Selene.

It's brought up right in front of you and you just, you just stay quiet and wait for somebody else to get accused. And it's like, that's not cool.

Like you've got to have the stones, dude, to say, say, I did that because you were not, because you're not working right.

So I'm trying to, you know, whatever his reasoning was, he should have just said it instead of staying quiet and just letting Selene go on a rampage trying to find out who did that.

You know, he's just a wuss. He's a wuss, you know? Yeah, I just, I just don't think he has necessarily like, I don't think he has like the management's like skills.
Put him out to paths, Jeff.

Yeah, I just don't think, I just don't think this is his, his, I don't think it's his strong point. Sorry.
Sort of. And as far as what you were saying about that kid, you know, I saw a kid.

I was at the music store last night and there, this kid, this dad, who's another dad, comes in with his kid. His kid's in his diaper.
You know, it's Hollywood.

Like, put your kid in some shoes, sir, and put your kid in some clothes. Okay.
Because this is a grimy ass town. Okay.
It's Sunset Strip Guitar Center.

This baby runs in and runs straight to a bass drum and just starts punching the shit out of the bass drum. And the dad's like,

I'm a little musician there. Look at this.
I already got a little beetle on my hands. I'm all right.

And I just thought of something I say on this show all the time, which is the late, great Bernie Mac. America, beat your children.

Okay.

I mean, what the hell? If they're beating a drum, then you can beat them. Yes.
Okay. So here we go with Below Deck Season 12, Episode 14.
Nobody puts baby breaks in the corner.

Kind of funny.

So previously,

Kiri has told Kyle that he can't mingle with guests anymore. He's on guest probation.
And where we left off was Rainbow being like, ah,

don't punch her. Ah, don't punch her.
But I want to punch her. I want to punch her.
Take me to Holland.

Don't hit her, bro. She's not fucking worth it, bro.
Bro, bro, bro.

Very tough, Rainbro. So Selene is like, oh, Rainbow again, she do the fucking list.

I will report this book every day. I try.
I try. Why does no one give me the classes? I try.
I'm not the children.

I will say this, in Celaine's credit, where I think Celaine really excels, is that she is like strangely very plucky. She gets yelled at and then she sort of shrugs, says, okay, you want to have war?

We have war, but okay, go back to work now.

Well, it's like someone, it's like Jax on Vanderpump Rules, right? Jax is the quickest, he's the best apologizer because he's had to do it so many times. And I think that's how Celine is.

I mean, she's just so fucking annoying. She's probably been told off by everybody that she comes in contact with.
And she's just, she can bounce back.

Yeah, she really can.

So, yeah, so Rainbow is like going through it, but like, of course, like nothing happens. Like, literally, nothing happens on that front.

So Celine is basically just like, you know, Rainbow, rainbows again she dude fucking list i'll report back to book again oh every day i try every day i just try every day but ah could do good

so basically she doesn't she just ignores rainbow whatever rainbow yelled at her about last week and uh rainbow decides instead of beating her ass she's just gonna make her take some champagne upstairs so she gives her a drink order and um selene is telling just she's complaining to just and saying oh this girl you know i do the work but this girl doesn't do nothing but all day freaking day she acts tough.

I don't understand this girl. And then she spills her drinks.
And she's like, oh, no, it's the last one. I don't have any more puzzle.

I definitely can see Soso is not working up to her standards.

I know Rainbow has been working her ass off all season, and I do think Soso is an apple at the moment that's rotting, but she did that to herself.

Some would say these are the consequences of her actions.

Yeah, you were fine with that when you were, you know, hooking up with Selene, ma'am. I think she's pulling kind of a Gary here.

She's pulling a fuckboy where she's not hooking up with the person anymore and then suddenly starts coming up with reasons to not like her. Not that she's really

like Celaine, but

this was fine with you a couple of weeks ago in the shower, as I recall.

Yeah,

not only that, don't forget last episode, Celaine sat down, Jess, and was like, I didn't like the way you treated me.

I thought we had something and you were like really mean to me and you discarded me. And so Celaine went off on Jess last episode.
And now all of a sudden, Jess is like, she's not a good worker.

I'm like, okay, so this is your revenge. You're going to plot out revenge against Celine.
It happens to be that you're right.

But we know your motivations are not because of the vessel. They're not pure, ma'am.
Your motivations are not pure. And we've seen this many times.
It's usually with men doing it to women.

But, you know, congratulations on breaking that ass ceiling. I mean, Jesus, now you can be just like Gary.
Congrats, Jess. I'm rooting for you, Jess.

So

also her name, I have to say it every week. You can't expect much from a person that you call so-so.

Okay, so then Celine

is called over by Rainbow again, and she's like, you wanted to speak? She's like, if you have a second, I would love to have a talk. She's like, oh, my God, I thought we were done.

You want to speak here? You want to speak here? You want to speak again? How many times do you want to speak? Oh my god, there's so much speaking.

I'm just trying to clear the air, bro, because it's like most of the time it's like cool,

but then like the other like 23 hours and 57 minutes, it's just not cool. And I just would love us to get that three minutes where I can tolerate you per day.

I would love to expand that out to at least like a good seven minutes. Can we do that? Yeah, sometimes it's okay, but I don't know what happened.

If they were, you talk to me like I'm your baby children.

Baby children.

It's like, okay, well, can we just like try? Can't we try for a little more passion? Can't we do this tomorrow? Like tomorrow, can we just try to be like to work better together?

I'm like, Rainbow, why are you?

This is my problem with Rainbow is that she's like, that's it. No more Mrs.
Nice guy. I am going to let her know how I really feel.
And then she's like, tomorrow, can we like try to make it work?

Can we be better tomorrow? I'm like, Rainbow,

give it up.

Well, Rainbow wants to be friends with everybody. She wants to be liked ultimately.
And I don't think it's just not, it's not going to happen. So keep it curt.
Selene, here's your things.

You got them done? Okay, you can go to bed. That's it.
You don't need to have a whole discussion with people about every little thing. No is a full sentence.

Yeah.

So a guest asks for a booby cake for tomorrow, like a surprise booby cake, which I don't want that.

I don't think so. Would you want that?

Okay, you just had cancer. You're about to get a double mastectomy.
Okay.

And her friend is like, well, my friend is about to lose her boobs. So let's make her a boob cake.
Why the fuck would you do that? I don't want that. Listen, I just, what if I just lost all my money?

I want someone to make me a money cake. That's no, I don't want that.
Don't don't make me that. Yeah, make me a cake.

I can't say, I can't say if I would like it or not. Is it like owning owning the moment or is it like a brutal reminder?

I'm not sure, but I also thought they got a like breast-shaped cakes last episode, too.

Oh, they did? Did they not? I thought so, but maybe it just was something that happened earlier in the season because this seems to be a relatively common request across reality TVs is a boob cake.

Yeah. Moob cake.
Yeah, we've seen it before, for sure. I mean, I know

for my 50th birthday, I wanted a moob cake. So I got like some big hairy orbs for everybody to enjoy.
No, I don't want that. You think I want to be reminded of my moobs? No.

Yeah.

So anyway, that's the plan, surprise cake. And then

Kyle is talking to Barbara. And he's like, Celine doesn't, oh, because it's the second day of charter at 6 a.m.
It's the morning, everyone.

And Kyle's like, Celine doesn't think that she's done to me what just did to her. And Barbara's like, that is not cool.

Or as I like to say, that's not nice so Kyle goes not at all but at least I'm getting a ride out of it I need to keep fucking falling for women for fuck's sake I have to stop falling for women all the time I'm like yes and we also need to stop having these storylines about Kyle and the women he falls for because it's been two seasons worth and honestly it's not it's never been compelling for me Kyle until you clean up your act and you're not just a shaky drunk you're going to be last choice.

And that's just the way it is. And Selene's not even lying.
She's just like, well, you are all that's left. So,

well, until next week and I make out with your best friend. But, or fuck your best friend.
But for now, you're all that's, you're my only option. Okay.
So have fun. Only option, Kyle.

Clean up your act. You seem like a nice boy.

Yeah, I don't think the cleaning up is going to happen anytime soon. It's time for a commercial.
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So then Fraser goes and tells Anthony about the boob cake and everything. And

Anthony is just like, let me survive launch and crew launch first. And then, you know, it's going to be another story.

So anthony's just puttering around and then deemo and kyle are uh are talking and just uh talking about how kyle still has to keep his distance from the guests um after he clearly had sex with the that other guest and then claimed like it was a joke

i mean just just have your penis keep its distance i think you're fine you know you're like squeeging the deck just stop sticking your penis in things um so then just and barbara are eating and just is very tired it's just, it's rainbow.

She's like up to here with Soso and all this personal stuff aside. Like, you're really crap at your job.
And also, you yelled at me. So, I'm going to make your life hell now.

And Barbara's like, Soso, she doesn't take anything serious, you know? And she goes, yes, she thinks it's a joke. It needs to be a point where you're held accountable.

So that way you feel the consequences of your actions. This is some BS.

You're not even on the, You're not even on the clean team, ma'am. You are a deck lady.
So why don't you stay in your zone? Stay in your office. You never even talk to Rainbow.

Yeah. Like no one talks to Rainbow.
Like Rainbow has no friends on this boat. Like, I think they interface with her.

They say hello, but no one has any meaningful conversations or bonding with Rainbow. So don't try to act like you're going to take up on behalf of Rainbow.
Yeah.

So Barbara's like, well, I'm the only one that'd work with Solane. She doesn't work enough.
I mean, it's not a surprise. It's not a surprise.
Like, it doesn't even bother me.

Like, why would it be bothering Jess? Uh, so clearly it's not about work. You know, she sees, she sees that.
Um,

so then the deck team is setting up the water toys, etc.

And then Fraser is, uh, the guests are eating breakfast and Fraser and Hugo, Hugo are talking.

So Fraser's like, well, today on the beach, I'm sending Rainbow and Selene because, you know, that'll work out well.

Here's what I do to two people who hate each other. I put them alone on the island.
Now call me daddy.

If you could just tell your crew not to talk to her, sleep with her, walk anywhere near her, look in her direction,

just ignore her presence entirely, pretend like she's a piece of trash that's just washed up on the shore. Could they do that for me, please? That'd be so wonderful.
Thank you.

So instead of managing his own crew, he's asking Hugo to manage his crew in a way that's not going to interact badly with him he's just so come on this is weak this is and this this is bad parenting where you expect everyone else to make modifications for your devil child right and if it's that bad then you should just go to the beach and do the beach job

instead of it's like going up to the saline yeah it's like going up to the farmer and saying hey i'm gonna bring my kid tomorrow could you not put out the little propeller thing for the flies otherwise he's gonna take it it's like no you tell your kid not to take the propeller thing.

So the farmer could. And

the lettuce. Very upset.
I'm telling you, if you had seen it, if you had seen it, it was horrifying. Like this kid was such a brat.

And the dad, I mean, this dad was like 6'3, towering over not just the kids, but most of the people in the market.

And he was like, he had just this like oofy look, like, well, there's nothing I can do. I was like.

Tie the kid to a pole and shop and then untie him at the end and load him into the car. That's what you do at this point.

You don't need a fly fan. You need a fly swatter for your child.
Swat him on the head. My mom used to do it.

That was her like peaceful way of child abuse. She would just smack us with the fly swatter.
You know, it wasn't a bat. So I guess she felt like she was a good mom.

So yeah, also, Fraser, if you feel like you're having trouble managing an employee, don't send them off to a fun beach day.

Or why don't you go to the beach with Selene so you can train her?

Like, if you're going to keep somebody that everybody else is pretty much agreeing is not trained well enough for this job, then go train her.

You know that you're putting Rainbow into a nervous breakdown. I mean, go train her yourself, sir.

Yeah, I mean, I think there should be consequences. You told her not to take breaks.
She took breaks all on the last episode. She does not get to go on a beach picnic.

Now, maybe, maybe a beach picnic is, I don't know, is that considered fun to go to or is it considered a pain in the ass? I'm not sure. Probably not.

But, you know, they never get off the boat. So it's kind of like when you're in prison, like going into the prison yard is not a great yard, right? But at least you're not in your cell.

Yeah.

And, you know, they all seem to love interacting with guests. I would not have sent her in the first place.
I would have punished her.

Like, there should be repercussions to her, there should be consequences to her actions.

So, Carrie, all right, Captain Carrie here. We're going to St.
Baths. We've got a very resource-heavy day today with the beach picnic.
Now, let me tell you something about beach picnics. They're fun.

They're gorgeous. They're glamorous.
They can kill you. We could lose the entire cast today if something happens.
There could be a tsunami.

We could put a rope down on top of a guest's brain. We never know what could happen on a beach picnic.
Okay.

Calm it down. Just go to St.
Barth's. Okay.
It's going to be fine.

Even worse.

Even worse. Once we we get to St.
Bart's, we're going to have to med more.

That's right, everyone. Countdown to Medmooring is on.
Watch out for Medmooring.

And did you know that nine out of ten med moors end in a shipwreck when someone's played volleyball on a beach early in the day? This is a high-stakes operation, and I'm not going to take it lightly.

Medmoors are difficult, and the crew are going to be tired. And if they're off their game, it can severely impact what I do.
If things go directly as planned,

if things don't go exactly as planned, we're going to be in severe trouble. Guest brains all over the beach.

At the very least, it'll be an adventure.

So Fraser goes up to Celine and is like, okay, Rainbow is going with you and she's in charge. Just make sure you're helping her with anything she needs with service-wise.

And make sure that if anyone comes over and talks to you, that you remind them that they're not supposed to talk to you. Thank you so much.
What? Monjo?

So then Hugo now goes around and tells everyone, hey,

Fraser's asked me to just, while you're there, like, don't talk to Rainbow or don't talk to so-so because he'll distract her. Now, this is what I don't like about Hugo.

He should just say, when you're on the beach today,

don't distract the... don't distract the team because they've got to deal with the guests and we don't we just don't want any distractions.

Just say that, but he's also kind of like throwing Fraser onto the bus. He's like, Well, Fraser told me to tell you.
I'm like, What sort of leader does that?

Just say, Okay, we want to, we're cutting down on the chit chat.

I don't want to see you guys talking with the interior team because they've got to focus on the guests, and there's been too many distractions this season. Like, do it that way, I think.

I think Hugo's way of doing that.

Yeah, he does tattle. Yeah, it's a cop out at all.

Oh, sorry, go ahead. No, I was going to say, sort of probably what you're about to say is that, like, by saying, Hey, Frasier told me to tell you, it kind of like loses a lot of authority too.

Like people don't take it seriously. It's like, this isn't from me.
I just have to tell you. And I just don't think that's a good leadership quality from Hugo either.

And saying stuff like, you know, don't talk to so-so because he's worried about Rainbow and so-so getting along. And, you know, she's flirting with boys.
She's not pulling her weight.

It's like, bro, those are like managerial things you had in a managerial discussion.

You shouldn't go to the other employees and be like, wow, the boss hates her flirting with boys and then and then and then it's like, that's not your business to be spreading that.

And also he's telling it to another bad employee, Damo, who's just a big fucking gossip and wants to start shit at every turn, apparently, because that's all he's doing in the second half of the season.

So he's ridiculous. This whole cast is ridiculous at this point.

This whole cast is

full of shit at this point. So Damo is like, okay, oh, I mean, it's impossible.
It's not ideal. I suppose that we don't get to talk to so-so.

It's not ideal. Well, just

why does not ideal? I mean, like,

how much value are you getting out of SoSo at this point, anyway, out of your conversations with her? Yeah, so they're all talking, like, well, she can't do a job, and that's not our fault.

And he's like, Well, I don't care if she can do her job, it's someone else's problem, but I don't want any of you talking to her. That's it, okay?

So, he's like, Yeah, you know, she sucks, but um, if it'll make Fraser's life Fraser's, God, it's hard hard not to say Fraser. Fraser's life.

And also I'm gay, so I think my z's often turn into z.

So anyway, and because I was trained by Jaja, the gay icon, Jaja Gabor. Jaja Gabor.

See? So the z turns into Zha. Blame Jaja.

Okay.

Why can't why? Okay, here's a question.

Why can't we invent a new letter in our language that does the j sound? I'm just so sick of, is it ZS? Is it ZH? Is it there a J in there? Can we just create a new letter?

Is this like the worst thing in the world if we create a new letter? Who says that we can't start a new letter up? We've got so many people who don't even know the alphabet as it is. Like we

can add to that. Do you know how many people can't read in America? I'm going to look, I'm going to look it up.

I know, but like, why, but why do we have to punish those who do and who are just trying to find like better ways to express themselves?

Like, I think we need like a dedicated letter, at the very least, an accent. But like, and I understand this messes up keyboards.
So that's why maybe an accent's the better way to go.

That we only have an option. Do you know how long I had to wait for a keyboard with USB-C? Like,

it took a long time. Okay.
So in 2020. But that's what I'm saying.
Maybe an accent, an accent is good because you can press like the option button and then, and then like a little submit.

I don't even know the accents as they are. There's one that goes this way.
There's one that goes that way.

But I'm saying let's. Let's just start a campaign and we'll increase public awareness and we'll know what the j like, I think it should be like a Z with like something on it.

And like that will be our j sound going forward. Because you know what I hate is when you want to write as us,

because like instead of saying I'm going there as usual, or like, let's keep it real cash, and you have to write like C-A-S-Z-H, and it just doesn't feel or look right.

I'm done. I'm done.
I don't want to do it anymore. I want to pioneer a new accent so we can all be on the same page.

Okay.

So in 2024, an estimated 21% of U.S. adults are functionally illiterate.
That's crazy. And you want to add letters?

Well, they're not getting any better. I mean, like, it's not like that.
It's not like the letter is going to be the thing that breaks them from being illiterate again. We need to

add grunts to the American language. We just need to start grunting at each other and pointing at things and rubbing our bellies.
And that's it. So let's go back to grunts.

I don't know. Why are we so locked in on what letters we can and can't have? Like, why can't we just add more letters?

Why can't we add, like, why can't there be like a like a like a why can't we do this you want to really with people add a new number that's really gonna throw everything off that'll be wild come on that would be amazing all the smart people would be like wait a minute everything's changed okay but the number's called jevin and you're like how do you spell that

yeah i know a kid named jevin actually no jevin jevin well see

i would know that

wait a minute you just won this argument

Okay.

So now Rainbow, now they're doing beach setup. And Rainbow's like, um, a lot of things drive me.
One of my exes told me I wasn't ambitious enough for him. I mean, fuck that guy.

But also, I've seen success. I mean, look at me.
I'm kind of like a heartless killer in the sense that if I really want something, I'll get it. No ifs, ands, or buts.

It's my rainbow, you clean toilets.

I mean,

there's nothing like to look down on with that. I'm just saying you're acting like you just won a fucking Pulitzer, girl.
Like you just cleaned shit off a toilet this morning.

That is hilarious. Yeah, no, but a lot of things drive me.
And

it really bothered me when my ex said that I wasn't ambitious. But to be fair, he was literally driving me at that moment because I said I didn't want to learn how to drive.

So I guess there was something to it.

do really technically drive me.

But yeah, it's hilarious. I love it when

I love it. Like, look, you're still, look, she's cleaning toilets, but she is on a career path.
She wants to move up. She wants to be a Chiefs due someday.

So, you know, you can still be ambitious even when you clean toilets. Yeah.
She is acting. She is acting like she is like.
a character on succession and

you're not serious people

uh

so

Rainbow is talking to Kyle. He's like, she's like, so how are things going with you in SoSo? And he's like, oh, you want to use me? Use me.
I'm fine with being used.

And then he tells Damo,

but did you...

Did you hear the guy say not to speak to her? And he's like, oh, yeah, we're not allowed to speak with her, which sounds like a her problem and not a me problem.

So I'm going to go gossip about it and make it an everybody problem. It's going to be amazing.

Yeah.

So now they all tumble into the tender and head to the beach picnic and everything.

And Rainbow's giving some orders about drink service and everything and like almost pops a cork into Solan's eye, etc. And Solane's like, oh, you tried to kill me already? She's like, yeah, I know.

You just got here. Oh, God.
I didn't even think I could kill you with a cork, but now that you've opened up that possibility.

So so.

I'm going to start calling you Bro, Bro. Bro, I would really like to start over.

I did just poke you in the face with a cork, but I think it's time we need to just start over. Clean slate, bro.
Clean slate.

Okay, one clean slate now. Fine.
We have another clean slate. Well, I mean, what is this slate? I'm not a killer.

So then Fraser is talking to Jess and asking about Solane and if anything is going to happen with him after this season. And she's like,

you know, I don't know. Like sometimes I have a feeling that she has something still for Soso.

And he's like, honestly, I really don't think they do. Really? Because Jess is slowly breaking down because she's freaking out over Celine.
Like she's acting like a maniac at this point.

So I don't think Fraser has the best instincts as far as this stuff goes.

Yeah. And then he's like, so questioned, have you, you know, finger, finger, scissor, cigarettes?

He starts doing all these like scissoring pantomimes and like all these weird little hand things. And Barbara's like, no, no, that's not nice what you're doing.
No, no, we don't do that.

And we don't, we can do them all at once. Okay, we doesn't have to, it doesn't have to be like one after the other.
It's okay.

Well, just as your boss, it's my job to know whether you're doing that

or that

this is that or is it that little

none of this? Like, please stop doing that.

So, uh, so Lane is talking to Damo on the beach, and she's like, I love the feeling to escape. And he's like, yeah, do you hate the feeling to work? Because you're like chef.

Both of you complain all the day about your job, but you choose your job. It's like, oh, okay.
Okay, Damo. Thanks for that.
She's like, do you have a problem with me, Demo? He goes, no way.

And then he just like walks off. Yeah, what the hell?

I mean, look, I think this is why I came into this episode kind of being apologetic in her favor, because I think they're kind of ganging up on her in this episode, and I really don't like it.

Like, what the fuck,

what'd she do to you, Damo? Back off.

Yeah. I mean, look, I do think that like all the, all the, all the deck crew ganging up on Selene is weird.
Yeah.

I, um, I also do think that like, even if you are in different departments, if there's one person who's doing a really shitty job, the drama around that does sort of like,

it sort of takes over the whole boat. So I understand that people from different departments can still be frustrated because they get dragged into stuff.
But also Damo needs to relax.

I know what you're talking about. Like, it was, it felt cruel.
It felt cruel that it was like, like, everyone has to ignore this one person.

I, I, I don't like that everyone has to change to make, to make Solane be better when Fraser could just tell Solane to be better.

I do think that there is some value in saying, tell your, tell your department to stop distracting my people. I think you're allowed to say that, but it feels like

a bad thing. They're making it like, oh, we can't speak to her because she's so immature.
And now we all have to blah, blah, blah, blah.

No, they're just saying don't distract her while she's supposed to be working. Well, actually.
They're all making it this huge thing, you know? Well, because Hugo did that. Because Hugo did it.

Well, Hugo did.

But the original directive was like, tell people not to like talk to Celine while she's working. Like it was a kind of a simple thing.

And they're making it into this huge, like, oh, now we can't talk to Celine. Well, that's Celine's fault.
Now we're mad at Celine because we're all being told we can't talk to Celine.

It's like it's being turned like, oh, now we're being accused of doing something wrong. All they're saying is don't distract the distractible child for Christ's sake.
Yeah.

You know what? They're all fucking idiots. You don't have to beat her up.

Just idiots. They're all idiots on a boat.
I know. And why do we get mad at every little thing? I mean, that's like a personal thing with me.
I could never have that job.

I would just be furious all the time.

Because I am now.

Well, this is me happy all the time. So

imagine me doing that.

But we get to be furious while sitting down, and they don't. Oh, they have to be furious and wiping things.
Yeah, thank the Lord for chairs. I mean, there's so much to be grateful for in this world.

The most grateful I am chairs. I just love chairs.
I love them so much. Even uncomfortable ones.
I love them. I think Amy Grant should rewrite her seminal song Hats and turn it into chairs.
Chairs.

Why do I gotta have so many chairs in my life?

It's great song.

Big chairs in the cannon lie.

No other brother can deny. When a chair rolls in with an itty bitty,

there you go.

You're getting it now. Wait.

When a chair walks in with an itty-bitty waist

and a

dan dan dan dan dan, you get sprung.

Okay, you're closer.

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Here's a quick podcast for all you true crime fans: the case of the missing Reese's.

It was me at the store with my mouth. Motive? Um, they're Reese's.
What was I going to do? Stop myself? Tune in next time to see if I do it again. Spoiler, I will.

Wow, that had everything.

Reese's, suspense,

Reese's.

So Hugo is, he's like, I've talked to Kyle a few times and I can tell he had a very difficult upbringing. And we all have this drive to be better than we're.

Wow. You looked at Kyle and saw like the tire mark on his face because like a truck ran over him because he was drunk and passed out on the road and thought, wow, this guy had a tough upbringing.

What part about like his perpetual black eye bruises from getting into bar brawls?

And what part about like the strange chicken pox he has on his face at all times tells you that this guy had an easy upbringing? Jeez. Yeah.

And oh, Instagram wall, it's Hugo.

He's like, I grew up in a pretty rough part of New York. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't nice.
So we left when I was 10 because my dad didn't want me growing up in that lifestyle.

You left because your dad was getting in trouble for knocking on doors in the Bronx. And let's not pretend it's for any other reason because you cannot just be pulling that shit in New York City.

Okay.

No, no, no. Where did he grow up? He says it wasn't pretty and it wasn't nice, but he doesn't specify where it was.
And I felt defensive for New York. He's like South Street Seaport.

He was like,

I grew up on 61st and 2nd, and it was a horror show.

I grew up upstairs from Chipriani's, and let me tell you something, one horror after another who can even spell that I had to move I felt very defensive for New York I mean you know give New York a break Hugo Hugo's just bad mouthing everybody today

he really is he needs to get over it I think that's one of his worst memories of growing up in New York he goes you know what I remember police sirens. Oh, oh, oh, really?

Sirens. Oh, police sirens.
Oh, God. Do you want to know something?

Hugo, Well, I was literally watching this scene, his monologue, I was also listening to a helicopter overhead with a searchlight scanning the neighborhood for someone who had tried to break into someone's house.

Yeah, because I looked it up on the internet and that was a bit of a hard time. Possibly Bose's house.

Possibly, I will say this. I guess I'll say this.

Bose lives very close to me, as it turns out, because I've done some internet stalking and I'm really good at it. And there was

the helicopter was overhead for a very long time. And And I was like, What is happening in the neighborhood?

And I looked it up and I saw it was like 12 minutes ago, someone trying to break into someone's house. And I looked up where it was and I was like, and I did some cross-referencing.

And I was like, that's Bose's house. Was someone trying to break into Bose's house? But I don't know.
I don't know if she still lives there. She probably moved out since she's now on a TV show.

But I'm just going to say,

I've just listened. I've just got to say, Hugo, some of us live in real crime zones.

I know, I guess. Where real housewives, houses get, get, maybe, like, their alarms go off.

Helicopters come. Just living in

big cities, I guess, listening to somebody being like, I had to move. We heard a siren.
It's like, oh, wow.

Move to the suburbs, dude, and listen to leaf blowers all fucking day and tell me what you'd prefer. Because I'd much rather a siren.
Okay. At least I'm very

not just

criminals around like the fucking leaf blowers do.

At least the police come and pick people up, probably the wrong people half the time, but at least they're not just blowing them around the yard like the leaf blowers. Useless leaf blowers.

This is the most hilarious rant. I cannot believe we are ranting at this guy because he would hear gunshots and sirens outside.
We're like, get over it.

We both had like all the rest of the people. We both come from,

we both live in places where we hear gunshots and sirens and we think it's very

like listening to somebody else being like, oh my God, I heard a police siren. Shut up.

Yes, but I'm going to say this is just purely because we're we're annoyed at Hugo because, like, honestly,

there's a difference between hearing a police siren in one neighborhood versus another. And, like, when he said he lived in a rough neighborhood of New York, I believe it.

I just don't want to hear it from him. I don't want to hear it right now from

my lap.

I'm going to bitch about every single thing he says. That's it.

I'm not going to let him give himself a victim at it on my watch. Police sirens.
Get the fuck out of here.

I heard somebody yesterday trying to play two notes from a rap song over and over again for two and a half hours at the top of the volume. Okay.
That was. Two notes.
Was it like two? Two notes.

It was like some plinky

song. And they just kept playing it over.
And they were playing the song. And then the piano was like trying to play over the song.
I was like, oh my God, it's two notes. It's too fucking dunk.

I almost marched over there and played it myself. I was like, come on.

You know, as a wise man once said, they not like us. They not like us.

So he left because of police sirens and he remembers hearing gunshots. Okay, well, gunshots are worse.
Okay. So I mean gunshots.

Listen, who hasn't heard a gunshot here and there? Am I right? Yes, suck it up, Hugo.

Maybe I should have, maybe I should have finished reading the paragraph before I went off for 10 minutes about what a wiss he was because

okay okay

and I co-signed just because it was fun to co-sign with you so um he's like who knows if I would even have gone to university I mean people in New York they don't go to school I mean who knows if I would have gotten into yachting you know and if I think that if Kyle wants to be better then great he's just trying to figure himself out on who he is and where he fits in okay well that's good so you're very forgiving of Kyle because he might have had a rough childhood.

So it's okay that he's like wasted to the point of shaking half the time and sticking his dick in big ange. But Selene talking a little bit too much is going to send you over the fucking edge.

I see you. I see you, siren scaredy cat.

If you're raised in a tough neighborhood, you stay in the tough neighborhood and you stick it out. Yeah.

God forbid you try to make your life better. I'm not saying any of that.
I'm not saying not make your life better. I'm just saying, come on.

That bad. I know.

There's all people that are starving.

I mean, also, you know, that this is probably like when he was talking about his neighborhood growing up, this is probably spliced from some interview from several weeks ago that the editor just put in here to try to give some context as to why he was like.

being nice to Kyle. And like, you know, they make it sound like, well, I grew up in a bad neighborhood and I had to leave and I feel bad for Kyle because he had to grow up in a rough, rough place.

I'm like,

they probably just spliced two concepts together. I think it was one of those interviews where they were like, listen, this season is all about

grandparent trauma. Do you have a dead grandparent? Do you have a grandparent that died horribly?

Every cast member needs to share something about. He's like, no, but I did hear sirens and gunshots when I was young.
They're like, that's it. Okay, we're going to take that.

Could you just make it that the gunshots might have killed one of your grandparents? Please, we're what really need to fit it into the season.

Was your grandparent uh did that did did your grandfather drive a patrol car? No. Okay, can we say so?

If we say those sirens were your grandfather, can you just say Kyle stuck his dick inside of your grandmother over a police car while people were shooting in the background?

Could we just maybe just juzet? Just juzet. Okay, we're using the new letter for that.
Okay. That's a new letter.
That's why he didn't understand the directions.

He was like, I was so confused when I got the email about what I was supposed to say. I didn't really really understand the Z and the H.
I was like, Zahoo, Zahu.

And then there's a J at the end. Zahuja.

Okay. So

Solane has a big knife, a big chef's knife. And she's like, oh,

we wash this knife, huh? How do we wash? And Rainbow goes, in the ocean. And she goes, oh, I'm a professional washer.
I would wash in the ocean. It is natural.

So she's just carrying this big thing and then puts it blade facing up towards her in her belt.

Rainbow's like, bro, why are you putting sand on that? Bro, bro, please don't put the knife in your pants. Bro.

She's washing it with sand, which is like, cannot be good for the knife. Also, like with her bare fingers, like that's a chef's knife.

Like that's, she was just like massaging it like a like a genie's lamp. And it's like, you're going to slice yourself.
And then the fact that she...

puts it in her belt like a holster, but then she drops something. So she has to bend over, but like avoid this knife sticking out of her.
I was like, you are, you could like literally kill yourself.

That knife could just slice your wrist in one second and then you're done.

See, that's why I don't give Celaine too much shit because Selene is one of those people that you see walking around and you're like, you know what? They're still alive. More power to them because,

you know, survival of the fittest, et cetera. Like this

in nature, like let's say even a hundred years ago, she would have been dead in a week. So good for her.
She's a survivor. That's what I say.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Well, good for her.

She, that was a crazy scene. Her washing that knife and then putting it in like her belt was actively horrifying, but she did survive.

And then everyone goes back and Frasier's like, hello, everyone, welcome back. We've got a nice little refreshing raspberry vodka treat.
It's not too strong. And then we're going to head to port.

And then we're going to also go, we're going to maximize the experience. Just stay here and you can watch the sunset.
And they're like, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So they're going to be heading to St. Bart's soon.
And so Carrie's like, all right, everyone. I hope you didn't get too fatigued serving lunch today because we'll be doing some med more in St.
Bart's.

All right. It's very scary.
The guys will tell us where to put the anchor. So just keep on telling me where it needs to be because this med more is going to be a med more, not a med less.

Do you follow?

The biggest two things that all captains fear in the Caribbean is going through that that bridge and toying up in St. Baths.
Insane baths or mooring is what's called med-mooring.

It's where you put two anchors and you go back to the dock. There's a lot of vessels in there, all jam-packed.
The lines in the water could run over. A person could fall slightly in.

They could lose their hand or their head.

One of them could hit a coral reef, which would knock one of the pieces out, over the boat, land land on someone, and gouge their eye out. Anyone could die in med mooring season.

God damn it.

We're going to draw Red Mooring.

The two scariest things in the Caribbean, a small bridge in St. Martin, Medmooring in St.
Barts.

And also, if Captain Glenn is nearby, just Captain Glenn. We all try to avoid him.
You know, lots of accidents.

Or Jason, really.

Half the captains in this franchise, let's face it. Terrifying.
Terrifying to be at a wheel.

Yeah, we actually used to be quite afraid of the Kraken eating ships up hole. But then one day, Captain Glenn actually crashed into the Kraken and the Kraken actually died.
So that was helpful.

We don't worry about the Kraken anymore.

But yeah, there are some other concerns that we have. I don't know if you saw it on the news.
Can we roll the footage?

I'd love when they just kept rolling the footage of Jason crashing into that restaurant.

That was the best. Wasn't it a restaurant that he crashed into? Why do I have that in my head?

He crashed into a dock or something. Okay, so

I guess it's a dock from a restaurant.

With a weapon from a restaurant? It was shot from a restaurant. Oh, okay.

All right. Once we get both anchors out, make sure they're slack.
Very important. Or bring the boat aft.
You're going to give me distances. Do not talk to Celane.
All right.

Now you'll have interior staff on fenders. This is where they'll be most important.
If I drift into a boat, those fenders are where I need to be. Let's get this anchors up.
Let's boogie.

Let's not die.

Hold on. I've got a transmission with St.
Bart's. All right.
This is St. David.
St. David to St.
Bart. This is Captain.

Yeah. I'm here.
This is me. Captain Sandy.
Okay.

All right. I just want to make an alert to everyone in St.
Barts. Okay.
When we arrive after our medmooring, no one on the island is to talk to Solane. Do you copy?

I really don't know who Solane is. I can tell you this.

You've said med more so much that I'm back and ready to give you some more med. Okay.

So good luck with you. I've just dry cleaned

my two pairs of Capri pants that I bring on the show. And so I'm ready to go.
Just don't die.

All right. Well, Captain Sandy, before I hand this off to you, the below deck thing, please go tell your friend Norma.
that med more

like med poor that's norma You can judge that one up.

I'm sorry, Norma, Norma's not speaking to me right now because I didn't invite someone named Goerdy to a dinner on a boat.

Norma's still pretty upset with that.

Goerdy, more like go, weirdo. I'll talk to you later.

I mean, bloop.

So, um,

worry about the customary sign-off. And now he wants me to tell everyone about Solane.
He won't even do the bloop.

So they lift the anchor and they depart. We have a short stay leading five o'clock.
Anchor chain straight up and down. Anchor chain straight up and down.
Anchor in the pocket.

That is the consequence of my actions.

All right.

We're heading to St. Bartzo, Interior.
Radio silence, please.

Why is no one talking on the radios why is no one talking i need some community you just said radio silence god damn it i've put myself in a real quagmire here

i was just making commentary about the future of legacy media reg radio silence

so

he's like all right all right all right just what do you see out there she's like i see consequences i see actions no okay listen i don't care about the gray boat i only care about relentless.

I was too relentless. I was relentless about my own personal thoughts.
No, there's a boat called Relentless. I don't want to hear about your thoughts about being relentless.

Distance to Relentless. 44040 meters.
Captain, we're going to be dropping anchors between two yellow boys.

10 meters between

two yellow boys.

Copy. It's buoys.
It's buoys. Please remember it's buoys, not boys.
Boys. Who makes a a big difference? Boy.
Bowies. Buoy.
Boy.

Bridge, bridge, bridge. Your surname is now passing the center of the ship.
Bridge, bridge, bridge, bridge, bridge. Dropping anchor, dropping anchor, dropping anchor.
Don't test it in my side.

Where's my sitting? Okay, with the middle of the city.

Oh, a bit of the coral reef has flown off and has just landed into a guest skull, gouging her eye out.

There's a starfish on my head right now. Could someone please help me? The starfish came up with the anchor.
Help me.

Big Angel from the last chart has come to find a penis. Ah, she has she has been strangled by one of the mooring ropes.

There's a xenomorph on board, everyone. I hate to tell you something happened terribly with the med mooring, and now there's a xenomorph.
And we've heard that Hugo has now been

has now been killed. Is everyone okay? Everyone's safe? I've been decapitated, Captain.
I can't see anything anymore.

I can only see my body body on the other side of the anchor.

Is there any way that we can transplant Jess's brain into a synthetic body so we can save her and have a, we can rename her after a Peter Pan character and she can continue on guiding us into port?

Oh, never mind. I put it back on.
Okay, we made it. All right, we're safe.
God, thank God. That could have been terrible.

All right, turns out actually there was no damage and no aliens on board. Congratulations, everyone.

Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
All right. Talk that one up a little bit.
But you know what? It's sleep season, I think. Do we still have that? All right.

Hugo, radio somebody, would you? He's like, hold on to engines. Oh, God, we're still doing this.
Never mind. Okay, it's over.
It's over.

It just goes on. Of course, everything's fine.
Yeah.

The number one rule of below deck is that if they're going to crash into something, it's going to be in the trailer. That's we know.
I still remember the dock crumbling on camera with Captain Glenn.

Hello there. This is a two-part recap.
Okay, this is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this.
Just come back a little later for part two.

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