#2995 RHOLondon Part 1: Dental Damned

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Watch what crap is, watch what crap is.

Who cares what happens for this?

So much that crappin'.

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandelker and welcome to the show.

Today, we're actually not going to talk about technically a Bravo show.

Talking about a hey you show,

because we are going to be recapping ladies, not ladies of London, oh my god, real housewives of london the first episode at least i'm ben mandelkere and joining me there is mr sir ronnie carom hi ronnie how are you hello mistress rondel carom

mistress rondle carom so uh first of all uh join us on monday nights for whatever activity we're doing uh last last monday it was crappy hour live this monday it's amazon live and we alternate between them so come join us.

Amazon Live will be at 4 p.m.

West Coast time and 7 p.m.

East Coast time.

And we'll also be on the Amazon Prime channel on your television, unless there's some sort of thing that goes awry.

But fingers crossed, we should be there.

So looking forward to that.

But we had a lot of people over the past few weeks say, please recap Real Housewives of London because we're in a bit of a Bravo lull and we're a little hesitant hesitant at first because a lot of our audience won't be able to actually watch this show unless they get like a,

you know,

what do you call those things?

VPN or something like that.

And also like, what if it comes to Bravo?

We don't want to shoot our load too soon.

But then we said, you know what?

Fuck it.

Or watch what happens.

We can do whatever we want.

So we decided we're going to recap this first episode.

Ronnie, can you give some recommendations of how people can find this if they want to watch it?

No,

not legally.

I think you have to get a VPN.

And

I mean, I went on a torrent site, which is totally illegal.

So, you know, if you want to go to prison.

Of course, you didn't do that.

If you want to go to prison like me, you will do something like that.

I've read that people are getting a VPN and getting the Hey You channel through their Amazon Primes.

making it look like they're overseas on their Amazon Prime.

I don't know if that works.

And that's why we can't cover it because it's just going to confuse people.

Now, if we did get obsessed obsessed with this, we could cover it for our international market because it's not like we don't have anybody over there.

We do, you know, we could find it and just have you guys listen to it, maybe.

But it looks like Bravo is coming back to life a little bit next week anyway.

But for now, let's just check it out because it's a housewife show.

We've got to look.

You know, why not?

Yeah, we have to look.

Everyone was saying so many good things about it.

And I have to say, I've only watched one episode.

I love it.

I love it.

I

love it too.

It's so good.

Bravo needs to import this right away.

This needs to be on Bravo or Peacock, like whatever.

Get this to America because this is already such a top-tier real housewives.

Like it is so good.

And the fact that Bravo spent two years fiddling around with Dubai, which admittedly, I really liked the second Dubai season.

But like the fact that they went there instead of like going to the posh capital of London, I mean, Dubai is posh, but London is posh with a capital P.

I mean, that's where posh is from.

So it's like a wasted opportunity.

Get that.

That's not a problem

because they did Ladies of London and that didn't really work out.

That that was done for London, you know.

And I, I don't like it.

And I love that this show came back and they took a lot from Ladies of London.

You know, they did the God Save the Queen.

They didn't do the song, but they did actually have a title thing that came up that's like God save the queens,

which is very, you know, Ladies of London.

Like, God save the queen, God save the queen, and guess what?

The queen is me.

Uh, but this one did really go back to those roots.

And we had some songs like, you know, I'm a girl, and that's why, because I'm a girl, I'm a glamorous girl, you know, which is our favorite, like Trixie Monocle stuff, like back to just girl power songs making no sense other than just being like, I've got boobs because I'm a girl,

I've got lips because I'm a girl, I'm a girl.

Love an I'm a girl song.

Love it.

And the show literally steals from Ladies of London.

Juliet Angus is an actual cast member.

But what I actually kind of loved, what was so hilarious, is that in this first episode, they're like, let's leave the American off.

Okay.

Let's not, let's not force her on our British audience just yet.

Like she.

Juliet was the tacky ass American on Ladies of London.

And from what we can tell, she's going to be the tacky ass American on this show too.

And they're like, let's establish our brand as being, you know, wealthy and impressive and aspirational before we like shock all the Brits with Juliette Angus.

Well, from what I've read is she doesn't even come until way late.

I don't think she's in the first few episodes at all.

So she must have been a later addition.

At first, I was wondering, why not?

Oh, go ahead.

I'm sorry.

I was just going to say, there's this woman, I think, Kate or Katie, who seems to be a friend of, and she's in the later in the episode when the cast sits down and and has their argument, she's there.

And I almost wondered, was she supposed to be a cast member?

And then they swapped her out with Juliet later.

That was my suspicion.

Go on.

Oh, I don't know, but I loved her.

I loved her too.

She looked like, she looked like,

and she's like Chivroy.

Yeah, here's the thing.

What I was going to say is I was kind of, I was like, why wouldn't you bring some of the London ladies back?

Because, I mean, come on, Caroline.

I know that Caroline's in Dubai, but she'll always move back for a TV show.

And we do see her in some upcoming clips.

So she's going to at least guest star.

But some of those ladies were great.

And I would love them back on my TV.

But then I saw these ladies and I was like, these are actually really scast is really good.

They're all crazy.

And I love that they're all older.

You know, they're pretty much all older, which I really liked.

They're all completely crazy.

They all dress crazy.

They've all got all this money all over the place.

And it is kind of a return to form of the original housewives.

And you can tell that it's like, let's take this property and make it our own.

But they're still having to do like the the formulaic things, like, oh, the glamour.

It's all the cars and the money and the jewels and the purses.

It's just so cheesy and great.

It feels like a throwback.

Yeah.

I mean, there was part of me that thought, wouldn't it be funny if they brought Caprice back and put her on this show?

But it's, it's for the best.

I mean, and Juliet will be a great heel because she's just going to be so awful and embarrassing.

And it's great that they have Caroline Stanberry.

Like, Caroline Stanberry is like a plug-and-play, you know,

like, let's help out a new show kind of thing.

Like she just always pops up.

And in fact, I would be happy if they slowly layer her in and just make her part of the show, just because I just need more Caroline Stanberry in general.

But this show was great.

And it also had all the things you want from a real housewife show.

It was campy.

It was delusional.

I mean, you have a giant party, a climactic party in the episode to celebrate International Women's Day, women supporting women.

And it's a whole bunch of poor women serving rich women.

That's what the entire thing was.

I was like, this is amazing.

Let's gather here to celebrate all these poor people who get to serve us caviar.

And then you also have a dentist fight.

I mean, that was actually breaking new ground.

I don't think that's fine.

They're fighting about child dentistry, but that was pretty good.

Yeah.

So

just the whole like, oh, I'm going to have a women's international women's.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

That's your first party.

But it's in her home with pictures of herself everywhere.

And it's all branded with all of her, you know, her face products crap.

It's like, oh, okay, we're selling, we're branding our International Women's Day, are we?

I loved it.

Yeah.

It was great.

Absolutely.

Really wonderful.

All right.

Well, let's get in.

As any new show,

you know, we get a lot of quick cuts in the beginning with a bunch of people we don't know yet.

So it's very like,

the girl, I'm a girl who's a queen.

And a lot of little snippets like, oh, London is the capital of the world the world

London is just so pretty

it's a sea where dreams come true where the streets are paved with gold

London's just so pretty I would love it if just like someone just kept saying London's so pretty London is just so pretty and then we see Juliet and by the way there's two Juliets on this show those can be Australian Juliet and American Juliet so they basically they're like get all of the

get all of like our British offshoot like colonial colonial juliets and bring them in we'll get an american and australian and we'll ridicule them both for being trashy yeah so um we have we have juliet showing off some shoes being aren't they amazing and then we also have someone named nessie who i love nessie oh i love nessie she gives such nasty looks to the camera that's my favorite and she does it with a smile And she'll like crinkle her eyes a little bit and be like,

which I love.

And then we've got Karen.

Karen, who's Jamaican.

And I think she's one of my favorites already so far.

Oh, she's

really funny.

Yes.

So it's a city of heritage and hierarchy.

London is a city where wealth whispers and ambition soars.

Really?

They're really selling us on Monday.

London, the streets are paved with gold.

The ambition soars and the wealth whispers.

I know, I love that.

Ambition soars, and then you realize you're just a commoner, and you'll always be a commoner and never be accepted into the lord's class.

So then we have Panthea, or sorry, Panthea,

and she's like, this tiny little island in the middle of nowhere ruled the world once upon a time.

And she's like, so proud.

I'm like, I feel like there's a lot of people that would not be as excited as you are about that, but that's okay.

And then we have Amanda again saying, so much history, and power, and class, and money, and jewelry and scones and sidewalks and people and lights and bricks and pebbles and stores and jellies and jams.

I could go on.

Do you want me to keep going on?

London, it's fit for a queen and for a king.

It's certainly fit for me.

London, paved gold.

It's so pre-eh.

So

it's just a lot of this.

Like, we're fabulous, aren't we?

Aren't we fabulous?

And then Pantheist telling us what Londoners are like.

They're very discreet and politically correct, which is why they added in, I think, American Juliet, because everyone is very prim and proper.

And then you're going to get Juliet in here to be like, you're just a stupid slut is what you are.

How many names do you even have, slut face?

Hey, how much, how much...

How much fucking Ozampic do you take, loser?

So they had to get the Americans in there to ruffle.

Ruffle those feathers.

Yeah.

I also feel so bad that London has to do this whole preamble because like we're used to it with like Salt Lake City or Potomac or some like Orange County.

It's like a lot of people may not have a huge awareness of what those places are all about.

They may have just a vague sense.

So you need to have things like Orange County is where the wealth comes to play.

This is where you've got beach, you've got sunshine.

We have all the fabbis designers.

You have land, we have mansions.

They have to sell themselves, but like London should not have to do this.

Like, we all know what London is.

It's not to be like, London is where there's wealth.

It's like, yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

There's a full-on palace there.

Okay, we get it.

There's crown jewels.

You don't have those in Orange County.

And I love, I just love the way they fight.

So we get clips of fights.

And Amanda, who's like the super posh single lady who has the International Women's Day Party later, she goes, What are you saying, you pea brain?

You stupid idiot.

And she's great because she sort of looks like Nicole Kidman meets Claudia Schiffer, and she sort of like walks around with this like ice queen smile.

And you just know she's going to be the biggest raging bitch of them all.

And I'm like waiting for that to like emerge.

But right now she's in this polite phase where she keeps on bragging about the fact that she once dated someone from Wham.

And

the guy from Wham.

Andrew Rick got the guy that remembers.

Otherwise known as the other guy from Wham.

And she mentions him, I think, 20,000 times.

She's like, yes, you know, so many people I've been with, including the other guy from Wham.

Have I mentioned him?

Wham.

Wow.

We call him Tagfwa, the other guy from Wham.

So then Amanda tells us, at the heart of London are the friendships.

I was like, oh, you're a nice bitch right now.

Like, I know.

You cannot tell me that the heart of London are friendships.

She goes, this really lovely core group of women that we've been through really difficult times.

For instance, when they changed the hours at suffrages and you had to wait a whole extra 30 minutes to get in.

Tough times.

Suffrages.

Isn't it a department store?

It's called

suffrages.

Wasn't the place called suffrages?

Wasn't suffrages.

The suffrages was a women's movement, wasn't it?

They weren't those people who fought for women's rights.

Suffrages.

Maybe.

Excuse me, let me amend it.

Selfrages.

It's called suffrages.

Well, we've been through tough times.

Like the time Julia Angus came to our group, I started calling it suffrages instead of suffrages.

And then we all started calling it suffrages.

And I went to a party and Prince Charles was there.

And I said, did you go to suffrages recently?

He said, what is that?

And I realized I've been infected with Americanitis.

So this is that lady, Amanda.

What's her buttons?

I think she looks like Morgan Fairchild.

I'm putting her up on the screen so people can see.

I don't want to show too much of this because I don't want us to get kicked off the internet for showing stuff, but I think,

first of all, they're all dressed crazily, okay?

She's got a humongous bow on her shoulder,

which we'll show some more of these outfits later, but that's her, just so people can get a visual of what this lady's like.

So she's like, yes, at the heart of London are the friendships.

And she talks in this little, little high voice, like she's just so soft and demure.

A lovely core group of women.

We've been through really difficult times.

We're a little naughty, a little wild, a little crazy, a little wham.

I think Oscar Wilde once said, when a man is tired of London, he's tired of life.

And on the screen it goes ding, and it says, quote, actually, by Samuel Johnson.

But at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing, and that's all you can say for the life of the poor.

We're not getting tired anytime soon.

And as proof of that, of us not getting tired anytime soon, that's why I always say, wake me up before you go, go.

Wham.

Tagline time.

So Amanda says, I look like a model, but I think like a CEO.

A CEO who's also a model.

And then Juliet, this is...

This is our Juliet, Juliette Angus.

I love that Juliet Angus is so American, she's literally named after a cut of thief.

I've lived in every time zone and I'm still ahead of you.

You're literally behind all of us in America, just so you know.

Oh, no, no, no, she's ahead.

Oh, my God.

I'm so

I am getting in the presence of this recap.

I am getting dumber.

I'm like, suffrages, and we're actually, we're ahead of you with time.

The earth goes the other way around now.

And then Messi, who says, they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I say, watch me.

I cannot believe somebody said they're going to eat cake in a tagline, especially a skinny little lady like this one.

I was like, well, I'll bet you eat fucking cake.

Later, we find out that she is a cake maker, which

she makes some beautiful cakes.

Also, I don't really trust them because they're too beautiful.

They're those cakes that are like, look, it's a rhinoceros.

Like, really?

How does that shit taste?

Yeah.

Because you have to make a strong cake to hold that thing up.

You know, I think you left some eggs out or something to make it that stiff.

Yeah.

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The other day, I ordered from Wayfair this really cool little side table for here in this office.

So that way, if I ever needed my laptop, I could put my laptop on it right next to my desk setup, which was really cool.

But what I've since found is that this cute little table works really well as almost like a TV table.

I can bring it upstairs.

I could put a drink on it while I watch TV or if I'm watching a game, because you know, I am a sports gay.

I enjoy my football.

I can have my little snacks right there while I recline on the sofa.

I just love my cute little table.

I really do.

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Then we go on to Australian Juliet.

It says, well, I'm sorry, darling, and all I name me smooth.

So I think that's a reference to the fact that there's like all Shakespearean names in her family.

So I don't know.

I'm not going to say, I have to say, sadly, I think that Juliet Angus has, she, I think, has the best tagline so far.

The rest are a little

like, I think Nessie's of like, they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.

And I say, watch me.

I'm like, I feel like I need some.

Watch me eat cake.

I mean, that sounds like a, like a video, like a porn video, you know, like, oh, yeah, come on, my OnlyFans, and watch me eat a cake.

And people are like, yeah, yeah, I saw her eat a cake.

Yeah, it was worth the 20 bucks a month.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like hers should have been something like, they say, let them eat cake.

And I say, I'll make it.

Or something like that, you know?

Something, yeah.

Mine would

some say they say you can't have your cake and eat it too, but I did already have my cake and I ate yours.

They say let them eat cake.

Well, I already ate it.

Fuck you, poor people.

They say you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I say, I won't go near either one of them because I'm minding my figure.

And then Karen says, I may be from the Commonwealth, but there's nothing common about me.

Except my name, which is Karen.

That's most pretty common name, but otherwise.

Pretty common.

Otherwise, good.

Great tagline.

She has a good one.

And then Panthea says, as a true Londoner, I don't just sip the tea.

I spill it.

All right.

That's pretty good.

Pretty good.

But also, like, do you ever want to invite her to your house?

No, because she will just be spilling shit everywhere.

She's like, it was in my tagline, darling.

I spill.

I spill everywhere.

So the episode begins with one of our girls, girls in power, goes her power and boobs too.

Amanda is driving her Bentley very slowly through the streets, and everyone's staring at her because you know there's somebody on a pickup truck in front of her filming all of this, going 10 miles an hour, holding up traffic.

But she is driving, and she's like, oh, it's London at its finest today.

No cost of living crisis here.

So then someone someone drives up to her and goes, Oh, hey, I wish I was there.

She goes, Oh, darling, looking good, thinking good.

Okay, have a lovely day.

All right.

This is just me, Amanda Caroline, waving at people in traffic.

Isn't this what Lisa Vanderpump did when we first saw her on Beverly Hills?

We saw her in like a convertible driving down Santa Monica Boulevard, just waving to random people.

Like, hello, darling.

I'm showing America that I'm wealthy, but I talk to the poor as well.

Hello.

I'm Amanda Caroline.

I'm a small town girl who grew up on the south coast in Hampshire.

I came to London while I was around 20, and as a model, I was very young, very attractive.

And we see her.

The truth.

Truth to all that.

Yes.

And I came to London to find my fortune.

Although she's a cruel mistress, London launched me and made me the person that I am, which we'll find out very soon, is evil, awful, terrible,

spoiled, and crazy.

You're welcome.

Now here, everyone, here's my little poodle, my pup, whose name is Monty True Madness.

Isn't that hilarious?

Monty, you look so cute in your little outfit.

True madness indeed.

And I love your business shirt.

Oh, goodness, isn't Monty True Madness going to steal the hearts of everyone on this sweet little island we call Britain?

And she keeps...

She's always holding this little white, fluffy poodle dog.

And the dog we find out is 15 years old, and it just keeps staring into the camera and growling.

They're like, Let's get a shot of Monty, and it's like

Monty Drew Madness.

So she calls Megan and she's like, Megan, I just came back from the meeting in Harley Street.

It went so well.

They're going to place an order of 100 units.

They're going to give us a whole branded space.

Get on that.

Business, business, business.

We do business in our Bentleys here in London where the streets are paved with gold.

Early 2022, I started my skincare business, Amanda Caroline Skincare, launched straight into Sax Fifth Avenue in the US.

Literally, we put it in a t-shirt gun and shot it off, and it landed in Saxe Fifth Avenue.

And I'm one of the only prestige beauty brands in the entire world that's made in England.

That's right, everyone.

I invented skincare.

You're welcome.

I think it's so funny how she's like, look at me, a badass CEO and magnate.

I've had my business since 2022.

I know.

Amanda Caroline.

All right.

I was going to, all right, Megan, I was going to run through the Women's Day event.

Canopers are looking good.

Flowers are arriving in the morning.

Weather's looking good.

And so I think we're all set.

We're going to have a party in a very cramped townhouse.

Are you excited?

Here's one thing I think we still need for the Women's Day event.

Women.

I think it might be important to have women there.

So let's just scratch the list that we've got now.

I just don't trust it.

There's too many penises on this list i only want well maybe not only women can we invite men too so we have men let's celebrate men's day wasn't it international men and women's no i can't plan that really well just women stick with women find me some women please how about this ooh let's have a sorting hat and you arrive at the party and we find out are you a servant or are you a caviar eater and one goes downstairs one goes upstairs like the old show it'll be perfect a great way to celebrate women of all kinds i've found found out a caviar that acts like poison to a poor person.

So only the rich people will be able to digest it and any poor person that tries to eat it will fall dead on the floor.

Oh, can we get some women dead body cleaner uppers, please?

That might be important.

Make sure they don't have the caviar either.

You know, you have to understand, person on the phone with me, that skincare is bigger than the car industry.

We're just at the beginning, and I'm not sure if you're not going to be able to do it.

You don't see people putting Volvos on their face.

I pretty much live next to King Charles.

I mean, I'm pretty much in his room.

I'm not saying that I'm a stalker of his, but I did leave him a cassette tape from Wham and said, guess who I know?

It was Andrew Wrigley.

It was really funny.

I left the card.

It said, Wham, and then it was signed, Bam, thank you, ma'am.

So I think he liked that.

I think he did.

So she's bragging that she lives right next to the Royal Palace.

Is that really considered a good neighborhood?

I mean, we went there.

It wasn't like hideous or anything.

There wasn't like spray paint everywhere, but isn't that kind of like a tourist trap?

I feel like it's a good neighborhood for, I feel like, I feel like there's like a lot of bragging rights.

I assume if you're near Buckingham Palace, you'd be like, the queen lives next door.

I could invite her over.

Yeah, but you right inside and there's just like, I don't know, pudgy, dirty people with fanny packs walking around aimlessly like, hey, you know where that museum for Truman Capote is?

Isn't it?

Well, how else do you know you're going to be rich?

How else do you know that you're rich unless you see the poor people downstairs?

That's just another person.

You have to create some some separate framework.

I know how wealthy I am by the amount of disgust I feel every time I walk outside and look at everyone else.

Oh, look, there are two gay podcasters from America walking by talking about Bravo television.

Disgusting.

So she talks about how she built this, she found a large building in Belgravia and she totally demolished it.

And I made it into my office, my home, my event space.

Oh, and this week I'm hosting a beautiful event at my home and inviting inviting lots of friends.

Let's take a look at my home, shall we?

And we go see and we see little, we go through and we see little clips of her home.

And she's got a whole room that's like her beauty room.

It's her office and it's all pictures of her.

Yeah.

I also loved, she has like Monty True Madness and she walks into, she like walks into her estate.

And there's like a servant right there.

And like, as soon as she steps in the door, she just hands off the dog.

Like, here, take him.

I can't do it.

I already shot my scene with him.

It's disgusting.

Get this dog out of my face.

Get this mongrel.

My hands.

It was like so obviously a prop dog at that point.

Like just hands him off.

Even the way she hands him over, she's holding him like this.

She goes, oh, hello.

Here, take him.

She's just like, she's handing her the phone.

She just hands her Monty.

Yeah, she's not like, she's not like, oh, can you just take Monty?

It's just like, I can't deal with him right now.

She just gives the servant Monty, like, it's a hat.

Like, here you go.

Take this out to the back.

And Emma, who's the girl who works for her, she's like, do you want some water?

And she goes, oh, could you get Monty some water?

I would love that so much.

I'd hate for Monty actually to have to walk to a dog bowl.

Please, that's why we have you, Emma.

Please.

By the way, Monty, he was woofing to me, and I believe he said his favorite water is servant water.

So I'm afraid he's gonna, you're gonna have to use your dedicated water for Monty.

Is that okay if you don't drink any water today?

He's just so thirsty.

Well, I've built this property to

host amazing events, not just for me to sit here with Monty True Madness.

Because Monty, True Madness is gathering cobwebs.

You know, look, I share the space with a lot of people.

I'm just a very, very private person.

People might know that I was married to a very wealthy British businessman.

Oh, yeah, I'm shocked.

I'm totally shocked.

I'm totally shocked.

When we see a picture of him, Mark Daish, who owns Amanda's second, wait, who owns?

Oh, it's just Mark Daish, Amanda's second husband.

They might know that I have a daughter.

Then we see her daughter, Sophia, in a picture.

And the Daily Mail definitely have a bit of fixation on my personal dating life.

I should imagine I'm a bit of a myth.

Okay, lady, relax.

And then we see headlines.

It says like Amanda Cronin spits from tycoon husband Mark Daish.

Millionaire former model steps out with wham star Andrew Ridgely.

Who is the longest legs in Belgravia?

Seen out with Aft

seen with after Wimbledon.

Why, it's the former member of

of

the

I was trying to remember British bands of the 80s and I'm completely forgetting

even myths have bad days.

Even myths have bad days.

So Amanda now FaceTimes Juliet Mayhew, who is Australian Juliet.

And this is how Juliet talks to everybody.

And it cracks me up.

She's like, hello, Juliet, darling.

She's like, darling, you look gorgeous.

You look amazing, stunning looking, darling.

I've never seen anyone more gorgeous in my life.

Is that even your real face?

Did you get a filter on the phone?

You look absolutely, I just climaxed.

I just climaxed.

You are gorgeous.

Are you on a ceiling pointing your finger into another finger?

Because you are the 16 chapel, darling.

No one has been more gorgeous.

Juliet is hilarious because she definitely has Mrs.

Crowley vibes from Downton Abbey, like the middle-class woman that the upper class people have to deal with who's like, she thinks she's like very fancy, but she's definitely from a different station in society.

And

by that, I mean, she's Australian.

And so she's like, hello, darling.

How are you doing today?

And Juliette, I mean, Amanda's like, oh, God.

Oh, does someone have Monty Trude madness?

I need to come to cover up this camera so I don't have to look at a peasant's face.

So

Juliet definitely gives like, she's being played by Brittany Murphy vibes.

Like, hi, guys.

Hi.

Can I sit with you today?

I'm at your table.

like she's very much that personality i really like her um i think she's so funny she's so bubbly and she's trying so hard and also she gives us looks like this i'm going to put her up on the screen she looks insane she looks like a like a semi-unwrapped piece of chocolate you know that's just crumpled and looking looking just she's like crazy you know what she looks like it's like

If if like the alien from Alien were actually made of like Godiva chocolate wrapper and she wears like the tongue she's like sticking out like hello I'm birthing out of my alien alien yes like she's popping out of a Godiva that's a good way to put it yeah she's wearing this gold like crinkly dolcein gabbana thing like with ruffle things on this I mean she looks crazy and she's I just realized and I like it I just

Yeah, and it's a crazy outfit, but I'm just realizing what it is.

I think this is actually kind of like a like a couture reference to like a Shakespearean dress, right?

Like it's got like the ruffles around the shoulders.

It's got the big collar.

It's like a, it's like a throwback to that.

Except I think it looks absolutely crazy.

Yeah, it looks crazy.

Yeah.

Well, at least,

yeah.

Well, at least the belt is.

I don't know.

I assume that.

Oh, yeah.

I assume the whole thing was.

So then behind her, we see the dead swan, which she brags about later in the episode that she's got a literal stuffed swan in her house, which is so creepy.

And I just want that thing to bite Kyle Richards.

I want it to bite her so bad.

Get her.

Get her, swan.

Yeah, seriously.

So Juliette is like, Porsche's having a facial.

She's like, seriously.

And we see five minutes earlier that Juliet's dog is

getting a facial, like a spa treatment.

So Amanda is like, Juliet, I've, I've known her.

I've known on the scene for quite a few years.

She's very, very social, which I felt, I feel like if someone like Amanda says that you're very, very social, I feel like that's somehow like she's saying something really mean about you.

Well, when you say something in British, you know, it's like when you're southern, you know, like saying bless her heart really means fuck that bitch, right?

It means what a loser.

So you always have to like figure out what Amanda's saying because she does speak in British.

Julia, I've known on the scene for quite a few years and she's very, very social.

I think she's a warm, bubbly, fun, energetic woman.

and that really means julia has been inviting herself to parties for years because she's got some old rich man's money and this bitch is always trying to climb up every ladder in town um she's a fake twat who's probably on crack she's got a drug addiction that's what she really just said and she has no substance just an empty flittering australian

infiltrating ourselves

amanda is so shocked by a dog grooming shop she's like what you're getting your dog a facial.

You're getting your dog a bath.

Darling, I'm in the wrong business.

I mean,

watching a dog.

I mean, that's a business right there.

That could be a business.

It is a business, Amanda.

It is.

Dog grooming is a pretty big business.

Hold on, though.

I've just found doggy deodorant and hair shine, which I've just tried on.

I think I'm going to just lather my head with a doggy deodorant.

Oh, any toothpaste over there?

Monty's breath is terrible.

And also yours, too.

You should probably use it.

Have Monty use the toothpaste and then possibly lick you on your teeth and gums.

That would be great, darling.

Are you gonna come and horse ride, go horsebike riding in Hoyd Park with me?

I literally need to check out your horse's skills.

Oh, well, I don't know if my skills will be skilling.

I don't know, but obviously I had a big love affair with a polo player, remember?

And of course, Andrew Ridgely from Wham.

You do know that, right, Andrew?

Oh, you remember the polo player, don't you?

I know who does remember the daily mail am i right

they love us they love us i was really sticking bowling in the arena over there so now we go to meet panthea who is insane we get the yeah we get she's like ava ligoria and ekensu mixed together she's She's fucking crazy.

She's our Iranian queen here.

So I love it.

You know, I'm Lebanese.

I'm not Iranian, but like in America, we're cousins.

So I'm like, hey, girl, hey.

And she's like, oh my God.

She's talking to her housekeeper and she's got the gravelly voice.

And she's like, hey, Aaliyah, is my makeup too much?

Is my makeup too much, Aaliyah?

Tell me the truth.

And her, her house lady's like, yeah, it's a bit heavy.

It's a bit heavy.

Yeah.

She goes, wait a minute.

What do you think is too heavy?

But you think I can get away with it?

Like, do you think I can or not?

Like, does it look really bad?

She goes, yeah, a little bit.

Yes.

Yes, Aaliyah, for the win.

Aaliyah cannot stand her.

She's like, well, I was trying to cover these spots and I don't understand why I've got these hormonal spots.

How good does my hair look?

Does it look really good because I slept in

it in tight, right?

Okay, look, my hair's good.

Look, I'm going to jush my hair up.

Look, I'm having a good hair day, right?

I look so sexy.

Come on, Aaliyah.

Say yes.

Say yes to the dress, Aaliyah.

Bruce Willis has better hair than you, ma'am.

Okay, well, I'll just ignore that.

I'm Panthea Parker.

I was born in Iran, and I moved to London when I was four years old.

And we left Iran in 1979 because of the revolution, and I've never looked back.

So

except when Ben Affleck was shooting there because those were honestly exciting times for everyone, weren't they?

I did look back then.

Oh God, am I still spitting from all that Botox?

Oh God, it's been three weeks and I'm still spitting.

Drooling all over and Aaliyah goes, I know.

Aaliyah just has like as she wipes off some spittle from her forehead.

Yes, I am aware you are indeed still spitting mum.

Aaliyah hates her ass.

Oh, God, when I was born, the filter of my brain to my mouth, it just disappeared.

You know, I'm like, Marmite, you love me or you hate me?

I can't lie, but I say it as it is.

I just won't lie, won't do it.

I love that straight talk in Marmite.

Every time I'm about to try Marmite for the first time, I'm like, I don't know if I want to try this because

it might sass me off.

God, she really is just like Marmite.

So she's married to an old,

very pasty man who's like, oh, hello, good morning, Oli.

How are you, darling?

She's like, oh, good morning, sir.

I'm fine.

I'm just lying in bed.

I'm not going back to bed.

I just like to be in bed, you know.

Let me tell you the truth, because I will not lie to you, husband.

I love to be in bed.

I love it.

I love bed.

I got married very young, and my ex-husband left me without a penny before I met the love of my life, Ed.

And he ticked every single box there was to tick.

Rich, tick.

And we're done.

Got it.

so

hopefully dead within the next 10 years got it got it

oh darling your nose looks really bad he's like oh well i was it was i was at touch rugby last night and i caught a rugby ball full on the nose touch rugby i don't know why that's so funny to me because that's so like in america we have well it's like flag football but it's it's it's only called flag football right it's like i don't know why it's so funny like touch rugby like it's like the standard rugby is you don't touch.

Whereas in America, the standard is you are touching and being violent.

And like, the, the exception is that we're going to play it nicely with flags.

But in Britain, it's like the standard is you actually are polite and don't tackle each other.

But like, if you're going extreme, you're going to do the American style and tackle each other all crazy.

I've, I'm sorry, darling.

I was playing one of our most popular games in the country.

Be polite rugby.

Lead with a compliment, first of all, and

end with a handshake.

A nice, firm, warming handshake.

And I got hit in the face with the nose and she goes, oh, real man's man over there.

That's exactly rugged.

1980s man, darling.

1980s man.

You know, back when men were men.

X-WAM, am I right?

X-Wam.

X-Wam.

People don't realize that I'm actually a champion, polite rugby player.

I've been told that no one else in the league can say, please pass the ball as authoritatively as I can.

Oh, Ed and I are like chalk and cheese, which is so different, but it works.

It works, you know.

I thought chalk and cheese, like you go together like chalk and cheese.

I thought that was a good thing.

It's not a good thing.

Well, it could be a good thing if that's what you're looking for, but the chalk and cheese do not.

They don't, they don't go together.

Oh, yes,

the land.

If I remember correctly, from when I took a class, early modern England, from the

Jacobian era, I think it was something like some land was for cattle and some land.

There's something about land.

I think oranges are like, the origin of the expression has to do with land and some land is like not good for breeding cattle maybe.

And that's like the chalk or whatever.

Like the good land is for the cheese and the bad land, the chalk.

Something like that.

It's a great story.

So Panthe's like, but we've got off to

we've just got to start getting some stuff out of the diary.

It's too much.

I just feel exhausted.

I don't even do anything.

I don't even work.

And yet I'm exhausted.

I think it was one month before the wedding I said, so Ed, how much do you earn?

And I remember drinking my coffee, and the coffee went flying out of my mouth.

On account of the new Bulltocks I got, I have a real issue with keeping liquids in my mouth.

I mean, how are we going to live on that?

I don't work.

How are you going to afford a housekeeper?

Come on, you're supposed to be rich.

When I see an old, pacey person like you, it's supposed to be implied you have a lot of money.

You have no money.

How is this even going to work?

By the way, chalk and cheese is an idiom meaning that two people people are different.

The phrase, which dates back to the 14th century, highlights extreme contrast between two subjects as chalk and many types of cheese are superficially similar in color, but vastly different in texture and purpose.

So I guess they mean like nothing to do with lambs.

No, nothing to do with lambs.

I mean, maybe if I dove deeper, but

yeah, I think it's the actual chalk.

Yeah, like that you, that you draw with.

It's like, it looks like it could be cheese, but don't eat it because it certainly doesn't taste like cheese.

I never once thought chalk looked like cheese.

I just want to put that out there.

Just going to put that out there.

Steeped 1400s people.

So then

chalk was very different back then.

They're like, can we get a wheel of chalk, please?

Giant wheel of chalk.

Do you have any blue chalk?

It's just like chalk with like mold on the inside.

Here comes one right now.

I have to say, Ronnie, I love what we do.

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so basically he was poor but then he told her darling i'm growth stock and that was it i was like it was like jumping off of a cliff can this man actually be wealthy and turns out he could be

I don't even know how you people work because I'm just shattered the whole time.

I mean, I don't understand.

Maybe it's because I'm doing too much.

And she's lying in bed right now.

And he's like, well, we do have a busy house, darling.

Oh, yes, because we have three children.

Show the picture of them.

Sienna, Cameron, and Cordelia.

God.

Who doesn't want to grow up as a Cordelia in 2025?

Am I right?

Sienna, Cameron, Cordelia.

Oh, and also Amir from my other marriage, but who cares about him?

Get the fuck off the screen.

Go back to Cordelia.

My sweet angel, Cordelia.

Oh.

Or Cameron.

Sometimes I call him not Amir.

Such a wonderful little boy.

Oh, look at this.

We got a lovely invitation to Mansion House, darling.

So the Lord and Lady Mayoress invite me, the Master of Solicitors Company, and Mrs.

Panthea Parker.

Why doesn't it say Mistress?

I mean, what's the point of having a title if they're not even going to use a title?

Send that back.

Have Amir take it over.

Just have Amir do it.

I don't want to put our own children in danger.

Just have Amir do it.

I want to know who Lord and Lady Mayoress are because if they think they're being impressive by having someplace called Mansion House, I'm sorry.

That's like, that's like calling someplace city town.

It's like trying to upgrade your, it's trying to upgrade your own house verbally.

You're like, you know what?

We couldn't really afford the square footage, so we're just going to call it mansion house.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's a studio apartment.

But

it should be a mansion.

Yeah.

You're in London.

It should be something like El De Flava Hall or like, I don't know,

Gooseberry House, but not like Mansion House.

That just seems so on the nose.

Yeah, he's like, I shall write and complain, my sweet.

Yes, write and complain.

I thought that was the whole point that I have the name mistress.

You know, Ed is a lawyer by day.

It is a prestige thing.

He's now all a master of the solicitors because of who my husband is.

I now rub elbows with the who's who of the world.

You should get invited to so many mustard ambassadors' homes.

I go to Downing Street.

I go to Buckingham Palace.

Oh, in God, I just see celebrities everywhere I go.

Being a mistress and all.

mistress of solicitors.

I'm like,

so Edda's like, okay, well, just remember, no getting a selfie with King Charles.

But is it one of those events where we have to put our phone down?

Because if I can't put it on Instagram, it didn't happen.

I have to be able to.

Please, please, please.

I've waited so long for you to be wealthy.

I have to show everyone.

I bet I'm the right horse.

Come on, please.

She's like, yes, you know, these things, as a mistress, you have to be like, darling, sweetie, darling.

But if I'm going to meet King Charles, i'm going to be getting a selfie i'm going to be getting a selfie

oh um

so then ed is like well anyway i have to get get to the world of work i'm not familiar with what those concepts are but okay someone's got to keep the show on the road

for now let's go to juliet playing tennis with her husband tiggy

oh my god the show is so good and they talk all these like older pasty white guys do sound the same.

He's like, all right, I'm just going to hit some balls to you.

And you just smack them back.

Okay.

What was that?

Or I'm going to hit some balls and you hit them.

What?

All right, here's some balls.

Oh, what kind of it was that one then?

All right, here it is again.

Can you please, you said you were going to hit them to me.

Good one there, honey.

I mean, who would have known that I used to be quite good at one point?

I mean, Serena Williams, watch out, Marina Tanara Tillov, who?

Who?

Who?

So

is

yeah better watch out steffy graffiti in on dress aggresses so juliet says i'm juliet mayhew i'm from a little jillaroo town in far north queensland australia like a true blue orsie mariba is like this beautiful little place in the middle of the rainforest and my dad was a missionary traveling doctor so we spent we went to places in the world where no one has any help and i said guess what if you want a servant you can get a servant so here's some help i spent my life traveling around the world to war zones helping no one at all just getting in the way of everyone else whether you're trying to fight or save someone there's me in the middle knocking knocking people over that's how i grew up schlubbing around the foothills of the himalayas and to prove it they show a picture of her with a little local girl wherever she is while she's traveling and she's like got paint on her face

Oh, yes, look at this little girl.

You know, I remember this girl.

I couldn't sit at her lunch table either.

And she was poor.

So

it's amazing.

my reputation really travels i'll just say that

you know i spent so much of my childhood going to these war-torn countries and trying to help people and get them a better life but then at 12 i just was sent off to boarding school and spent the rest of my time in the with the wealthy elites of of london so that was fun while it lasted

my husband's anthony but everyone knows him as tiggy he grew up in london in fact around the corner from where we live now because his family owns every square block within miles kilometers i should say all right so we met in church he saw the blonde hair probably the boobs and thought that one's for me i mean let's be honest look at these things gorgeous aren't they

look at those two didgeridos you can't resist them can you and then it took about five years for me to finally say yes after he asked me out a couple of times and then um

what about when you took me skiing to you remember that like hardcore skiing remember when we went skiing down in an old jilleroo mountain go skiing down the side the slopes and he's like i was actually quite embarrassed.

Yes.

Well, when you took me to, you took me on the Tata and I nearly died.

Afterwards, she's saying, I have no idea what she is.

She's like, oh, I'm in a real Gillero town.

I'm from a Gillero town in Mariba, and we went down the Tata.

Like, what are you talking about?

I don't like skiing, do I?

But when you gave me a big glass of champagne, the bottom of your liked, isn't that right, Tiggy?

He's like, oh, God, this is hilarious.

Yes, it's very English, isn't he?

He's charming.

What's the word?

What's the word for rich and charming?

Aristocratic.

No, I don't want to say aristocratic.

I mean, but the family.

His family is wonderfully positioned, let's just say.

I love that.

They're a wonderfully positioned family.

Well,

you better plan something pretty amazing for our 20th year anniversary, Tiggy.

Got two years to start planning.

We're probably not going to have a tennis match,

I'd guess.

Look at the tennis skills on that one.

So we have an interesting, he has a very interesting family.

So, on one side, he's got William Wallace, Braveheart, the Scottish Knight, a rebel.

And then, the other side, he's got Benedict Arnold, a general who led the American Revolutionary War, and then he defected.

So, he was looked at as the traitor.

So, in other words, he comes from a bunch of people who hate and who hate England.

And yet, here we are, profiting off of it.

It's funny.

Yeah, he's related to Braveheart and Benedict Arnold.

You know, what's funny is when either one of them were pulled over, they both

were drunk and made a lot of anti-Semitic slares.

So,

not in common.

Apparently we're supposed to own like half of it Pennsylvania.

In fact, when I saw Mira Vestauntown, I said, that's Oz.

That's I was rotten out and calling up HBO.

We own this show.

I sent Kate a little message because we're friends, of course, and I just sent her a little message and I said, you owe me.

Funny.

It's funny.

She got it.

She got it, I'm sure.

So, you know, I haven't gone back and put my stake in it yet, you know, but I suppose on my side, I'm not quite a convict, but I do go back to 13th century king edward first of england so i mean i think it married up quite frankly

so they're still playing tennis i love bragging about being married to benedict arnold uh

i know but knowing benedict arnold i i wonder if it just doesn't like it doesn't have the same thing in in london they they probably don't care about benedict arnold at all but like in america it's like benedict arnold but whatever he's American.

Who cares?

So Juliet is like, well, take you know, I have two of the most beautiful children on the face of the planet.

I'm so proud of them.

Could you imagine if they said, we have one of the most beautiful children and one who's just butt-ugly.

So I'll just get to you and think about them.

We have Ophelia Arabella and we have Orlando, Jupiter, Patrick.

What the hell?

I mean, obviously it's Juliet, Romeo, Juliet, get it?

Anthony and Cleopatra, Ophelia, Orlando, you see.

We have Porsche, the dog, and we did have Hamlet, the rabbit.

So there's that.

Or Shakespeare.

You know, Hamlet's now in heaven, you know, just like the real ones.

But Portia's almost.

Say to Hamlet, but of course.

Yeah, but not quite.

And bless her, she's quite an old Dane.

I mean, none of them are dramatic at all.

Clearly, clearly.

Now, why would you name the...

Why would you name, why would you not name the Dane?

Hamlet?

Wasn't Hamlet Dane?

Hello.

I'm just...

Hello.

We're just trying to help you out out here.

Get your Shakespeare right.

What are you?

Cheese and chalking this up?

Come on.

So now they keep playing tennis.

And now we go to Nessie.

So Nessie,

I would say, definitely is the most homemakery and has a stick right up her butt, which I love.

I think she's probably always going to be in a floral dress of some kind and always making a perfect fruit tray for her family.

Yes.

She's like, okay, make sure you give them a nice, generous water.

Make sure they're not on top.

Okay, get these together, daughter.

So she's with her daughter, Zaza, and she's sort of like

bossing Zaza around, making her do something perfectly.

And she's like, I'm Nessie.

I'm a Londoner.

I'm not a monster from Scotland.

And I was born and bred here.

And then she sort of gives that look to the camera like, yes, pause for applause.

Yeah.

And she says, I live with my husband, Remy.

He's an entrepreneur in the mining industry.

We have three children, Coco, Zaza, and Casper.

and my little golden settler charlie brown coco zaza casper coco zaza casper the children's names on this show coco zaza casper

aphilia arabella what's something

jupiter i mean like and then the other there's still there are some other ones that i just

It's amazing.

They're definitely giving Uha.

They're definitely giving Utah a run for its money with the silly names.

People could describe me as a trad wife.

I'm here for my 100.

I'm here 100 for my children, but I work full-time and also I look after my husband.

Trad wife.

Yeah, I'm just your classic trad wife who also works full-time in finance.

So she's like making this amazing fruit platter and she goes, we live in Chersey.

Chelsea is definitely one of the best neighborhoods to live in in London.

Look, look at all this footage of brands that are here.

There's Burbury, which they keep on showing.

And I mean, houses can go anywhere up to 85 million.

But we have also a country pile in the Cotswolds.

We spend weekends, it's just an ideal haven away from the chaos of London.

Yeah, we see this mansion that they have in the Cotswolds.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh my god, we got some money on this show.

Damn.

This, yeah, this cat has money.

And then this child is like, mommy, the floor's lava, and that's why I'm on a blanket.

And she's like, that's very lovely, but the floor is actually not lava.

Don't be an imbecile.

You're supposed to get good grades, get to a good university.

Get on the floor and

off the blanket.

Well, unfortunately for you, darling, darling, lava melts blankets and you are now a pile of goo, burning goo.

So congratulations.

You've died on the living room floor.

Mommy, stop your crying.

My parents came to London for different reasons from different countries.

My mother came here from Singapore, my dad's from Egypt.

I will describe my mother as a tiger mum, and some of that may have rubbed off on me.

I'm going to give us a nice break from the tiger mums being horrible storyline into tiger mums are heroes.

And the reason we slap our children on the wrist is is because they're little idiots and we don't want them to die young.

Thank you.

Some may call me a tiger mom, but you know, maybe that's that might be an over-exaggeration.

Get off of the blanket and step on the lover, be a real man.

I know you're nine, but here's the day that you grow up.

I would describe my family as high achieve as Coco is an academic.

She's incredibly clever for someone named after chocolate.

And I would not be surprised if she or Casper, who is named after my favourite mattress, ends up as Prime minister with gearing them up to give 110% and going full force.

And then

it shows her, the little girl who's studying, and then it says, Casper, and then it has an arrow pointing to him as he's like dancing around with a blanket on his head.

Casper could be prime minister.

It's like, ding, that's Casper.

Yep, that's, that's the one.

Okay, all right.

Okay, it's really an amazing opportunity to be on a scholar program at one of the best boarding schools in the country.

So, yeah, everyone wants to do better for their kids.

And my career aspirations at university was to get out and make as much money as possible.

And the industry that you can do that in is finance.

So that's why I set my sights and I did it.

I worked in investment banking on the trading floor.

And then I worked at an asset management company, specifically in the last job that I was in.

And I just decided that I'm not enjoying this anymore.

And we weren't in a very comfortable position, let's say.

And so I made the transition to banking, to baking, to rearing stupid children who think the floor is actually lava

so they're talking about her busy weeks she's got so many cake orders you guys do you remember amanda because she asked me to make a cake for her it's international women's day and i'm the founder and ceo of the chelsea cake company and i'm a published author as well so basically i actually cook books which aren't very delicious, but it does make a statement.

And I'm rich, so I can do whatever I'd like.

found I founded the company over 12 years ago and I've made cakes for the who's who of London Hollywood a listers celebrities ekinsu people of this of the same tier and accord and I was asked to make the queen's 90th birthday cake and it's basically anyone who's anyone in London has tried one of my cakes for instance here's a photo of the queen's 90th birthday cake it's a square a big square cake so i hope she enjoyed that square cake she wanted it to look like it could come from the american grocery store so that's what i did unfortunately I didn't get a picture without her face pushed down into the cake, but that was when there was a lot of family strife, so it wasn't a very fun birthday party for her.

But yes, here's the cake's face in one of my cakes.

It was awkward when Liz Truss came bouncing out of the cake and said, Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

We were all appalled, quite frankly.

So he's like, why are you making such a fruit tray, darling?

I mean, mean, it's a huge fruit tray.

She's like, have you seen how much watermelon our children eat?

By the way, never be the kind of mother who doesn't force your children to deal with watermelon seeds.

It builds strength.

I was like, geez, they sell seedless watermelons over there, don't they?

It's a lot of seeds.

You're just begging Casper to spit those seeds at his sister's face.

It was wild because she was just talking, having a normal scene.

And then out of nowhere, there was just like an enormous canoe of watermelon in front of her.

I was like, where did that thing come from?

Can you even get big watermelons like that in Britain?

I was like, did she import that from somewhere?

I was shocked.

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap.

For part two, go look for the recap that says part two.

See you over there, suckers.

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