#3012 RHOC S19E12 Part 1: Self Defense Classless

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Watch what crap is, watch what crap is.

Who cares what happens for this?

So much that crap is

a good thing.

So much that crappins.

Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens.

I'm Ronnie, and that's been hello, Ben.

How are you?

How are you?

Welcome to Real Housewives of Orange County Day here on Watch What Crappens.

Join us Monday for Amazon Live at 4 p.m.

You can find that on Amazon Live.

Okay.

And there will be links on our Instagram at watch what what crappens.

And also,

that's it.

Oh, also, our bonus this week was a great British bake-off cast roast, which was really fun.

So go check that out.

Next week, we're going to cover something totally different.

It's going to be super fun.

Ben's already picked what it is.

I can't wait to see it.

It's going to be amazing.

Good one.

So thanks for being here, everybody.

And thanks to Jeff Lewis and his team.

We just did their show today at Sirius XM.

That was super fun.

Thanks to Patreon, actually.

We went to a Patreon mixer last night and saw a bunch of podcasters that we love and adore and had a good time laughing with everybody.

Lars from Soap, Matt Maher from Reality Gays, Malls from Mother May Asleep with Danger.

I mean, soap,

Courtney from two judgy girls, Brandy and Julie from Dumb Gay Politics.

Heather McDonald was over there.

All kinds of people were over there.

So it was good to see everybody.

We actually met this guy who was a TikToker and he was so cute and like too young so i'm not like um thirsting over him or anything but he was like a he was young he was like a twink but he his whole thing was that he's an eater on tick tock and i've been obsessed with it ever since like i looked through his tick tock i was like how is this a thing and when can i start like what the hell and how have i not met a man who's an eater i want to meet an eater That's so hot.

He just sits there and eats the fucking food on the TikTok.

I'm in love with his life.

Wait, how many followers did he have again?

1.5 million people, Ben.

Watching him eat.

Yes.

I love it.

And he was so sweet.

How privileged were we to be able to sit front row and watch him eat?

We watched him eat.

1.5 million people who were clamoring around their phones.

And we got to watch him eat a steak right in front of our eyes.

He was loving it for all.

Also, we met

Sam Sanders, who does actually like a million podcasts like Vibe Check, et cetera.

But he's also on NPR and he is wonderful too.

It was so cool.

I'd love meeting the fellow podcasters and like chatting with them and having a good time.

So yeah, I'm like, if my voice is a little raspy today, it's because there was like a lot of like shout, talking, happiness, like, oh my God, yes, exactly.

And drinking.

So I apologize if I sound a little raspy or a little more Countess Luanne today.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yes, but that's just how it goes.

Yeah, super fun.

So thanks for showing us a good time, fellow podcasters and Patrion.

And today, we are back with Real Housewives of Orange County, Season 19, Episode 12.

It's called Defense.

Defense is the best offense.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because it's about self-defense.

Right.

So

we start actually at the self-defense class.

We're going to get some like little clips to whet our appetite for future controversy.

And it's Gretchen and Heather and Gina and Shannon.

And Gretchen's like, are we ready for Sim South Defense?

How was your guys trip?

And Gina's like, it was fun.

And Gretchen's like, really?

What'd you guys do?

And she's like, we rolled these like motorcycles and these like side glass.

And I will man.

And we see clips of how fun this was with Shannon's snot blowing all everybody,

all over everybody, wacky laughing and stuff.

Yeah.

And

Gina thinks there was progress made between Tamara and Shannon.

Okay.

And we see the dinner and there was no progress.

Okay.

No progress.

There was no progress.

Tamara's like, you know what?

I know it's a difficult conversation, but, you know, real friends have conversations.

And, you know, real friends like me having conversations with real friends like you, with real drunk dads.

You know, I just, it's important.

It's important that we talk about it.

Okay.

Yeah, we see flashbacks to Shannon.

Like, I grew up in a bit of chaos.

Oh, yeah, because your dad drinks.

No, Tamara, I know you're trying to help, but that's like too much.

It's just, you know, I can't, I cannot do this with you right now, Tamara.

I cannot do this.

Jesus Christ, every time I say one thing, you jump down my throat faster than kettle one jumps down your throat.

I'm sick of it, bitch.

Watch another class of champagne y'all call soup bitch.

They're like, yeah, they did well.

They did well.

It was a good trip.

It was a good trip.

It was a good trip.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for telling me that.

Emily, do you mind telling me what you, how LA was?

What was that like for you?

She's like, well, gretchers

gretchers which by the way now i officially hate it thanks to you oh thanks to

stand it every time

gretchers i just can't take it i can't take it i'm gonna rip off my face if they say gretchers one more time gretchers has loose lips when she drinks a lot of fireballs when she's talking about me

and of course she was gretchen was saying i have audio of her trying to sing in the studio and it was I'm not very good.

Gretchen, have you heard yourself?

I'm not saying the tamera sounded good, but you are throwing, you know, water balloons in a carnival.

That didn't make much sense.

I really don't like you.

That sounds nice.

I know it actually sounded fired.

That sounds endearing.

I just don't like, don't throw rocks when you live in a glass house.

I mean, I get what it means.

It just sounds so painful because I like throwing rocks.

I don't care if I live in a glass house.

I don't want to be covered in gases.

You really shouldn't throw anything if you're living in a glass house.

I just want to put that out there right now.

Well, a water balloon.

I guess why are you throwing anything in any sort of house?

Don't if you're in a house, don't throw anything.

It's still a house.

Okay.

You can get, you mess up a wall.

Just stop throwing things.

Okay.

Don't throw emerald necklaces when you live in a when you live in a blonde house.

It doesn't make sense either.

No, none of it makes sense.

You're a hack and you're a terrible singer.

So please stop with your voice judging.

Okay, that's the point.

I have to say, for those of us who are lucky enough to have heard that recording of Tamara, that, of course, resurfaced over the past week, it's sort of been in my head.

Like the recording is

the recording is like 30 seconds, but like her actual singing is maybe two, literally two seconds.

And all she does, let me see if I have access to my falsetto today.

But all she does is go, celebrate no way.

That's it.

And I have that like little refrain in my head all week long.

Celebrate Nohi.

Celebrate the hate.

Celebrate the hate.

Yeah.

It was just a tiny little, a tiny little snippet.

So,

yeah.

So Grutchers, Grutchers, shot up.

And so then we see the clip of Slade being like, oh, actually, the two of them started messing around and they forgot they were recording.

The guy from

Nelson, both of the brothers from Nelson, she was banging them both while they were singing the song about no hate.

And Emily's like, Wait, there's audio of them having sex.

So, we see that whole clip.

And then Tamara hears all this, and she's like, Wow,

wow, bitch, wow, wow, really?

She's doing that like thing where she makes blow lips, and she's just like, Yeah, really, bitch.

The old sucking on the invisible straw face so then we see like uh stuff that we're gonna get to anyway but it's basically like and then not too long afterwards fading so now 48 hours earlier and shannon's at her house talking to archie oh my god i'm calling hey archie i'm gonna call sophie on the phone oh

and you want to call sophie right now archie you want to do that archie archie you're not still drawing from that walk late at night are you come on archie where to call sophie So she does, and Sophie has, I'm assuming, a new gay friend in her apartment building because because I don't know anybody else who would talk to a mom like this.

But Shanna's like, oh, wow, Andrew.

Thank you.

Because when Sophie called me and said she wanted to come home, she was at your place.

And I just love that you live in the same building and you watch out for her.

And he's like, oh, yeah, I also brought the goods for us, wine, candy, and magnums.

I was like,

wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I'm hoping that you're discussing the chocolate covered ice cream treat that you can get in a freezer section.

Please tell me that's what you're saying.

Please say it's the Blu-ray of Magnum P.I.

because that was one handsome man.

If anybody can get over heartbreak, it's with that one.

That mustache.

I tell my latest

Innocence.

Do I talk about Pennsylvania with my daughter, you heathen?

Okay, good to call.

Good to talk to you.

Oh, God.

Oh, Magnum P.I., I tell you.

Friday nights, 8 p.m., one hour.

Do not disturb because Tom Selik is on my TV and I am wearing my Blue Bloods t-shirt.

Okay.

Woo-hoo.

So then we go to Britt's house.

Gina is coloring her kid's hair with Britt in the Kitchen, who's just basically Kelly Dodd.

It's like she's a Kelly Dodd with

like downers, like the crazy pills or whatever.

So they're dying the kids' hair and they actually bleach it blonde.

And she's like, oh my God,

you're looking just like your mommy.

He's blonde just like his mommy.

Now we just need to get you a dryer scalp.

Yeah.

And then we go to Heather, and she is FaceTiming with her daughter on FaceTime.

She's like, Hello, are you excited to be wrapping up your tour of duty in Paris?

She's like, Yeah, I just don't want to leave.

And she's like, Oh, really?

You don't want to leave?

And she's like, You want to see Vincent, the cat?

She's like, Yes, please show me Vincent.

Grandma's on the phone.

Grandma, you know, it's so funny.

I remember one time we put Wendy Malik on FaceTime for Vincent, and that cat crawled up to the ceiling oh god good memories i've never had a cat ask me to be put down before

so then we go over to um emily's house and her daughter annabelle is painting her nails and she's like i'm gonna show you how some of this works because you're like a little delulu mom

You're Delulu.

You don't understand nails.

Delulu.

I'm going to get you some busted nails, mom.

Busted.

She's like, yeah, mom.

You know what?

You used to get like really dark red, right?

Isn't that what you used to put on?

Yeah, it's called hooker red.

Yeah, I bet you used to be one.

Oh, stop.

You don't even know what that means.

She's like, yeah, I do.

It's when do you hook up with men?

I mean, you know, she's close.

And Emily's like, I've been with your father for 16 years.

All right.

And Annabelle's like, yeah, but what was before that?

And Emily just makes a look at Jerome.

Yeah, no kidding.

My fourth level was there.

Before that was aspirations.

And then Shane.

Oh.

Thanks, mom.

So then we go to Jen, Jen's house, and Ryan comes in totally just casual, not ready for TV at all.

He's got like blinding teeth.

And like perfect hair.

He's like, hello, it's me, Ryan.

Hi.

I thought we said we weren't weren't gonna get stressed over this wedding wink don't marry this man i'm telling you right now do not marry this man this man's gonna cheat on you this man's gonna take all your money nothing good's going on with this man we all can see it coming it's obvious it's blind he's just as blind as those teethers don't do it Yeah, yeah.

So she's like, well, I'm just like going back and forth.

Like, do you feel like we should maybe do this September wedding instead?

I don't know.

What do you think?

Still waiting out, holding out for that offer from Bravo.

He's like, listen, I think that sometimes you just need to like put a flag in the ground or I put a boner in the jeans.

Okay.

We're just going to do it in September.

We're just going to stop waffling.

Oh my God, waffling.

I didn't even know that was part of the buffet.

Oh, I have to go back to the wedding planner now.

I can't have waffles as part of the buffet.

They're going to have fatty photos of me.

You know how these girls are?

I thought we left waffling in the past.

Yeah.

She's like, well, I just got so freaked out because Dawson's moving.

He's going into the Marines.

And I just was starting to put every wheel in motion and get everything planned.

And then boom, my son's going into the Marines.

What does that have to do with anything?

Just have your wedding.

It's a bikini wedding.

It doesn't take that much planning.

I mean, what are you getting?

Some sandwich trays from Ralph's?

She's

married for Christ's sake.

Yeah,

I guess her reasoning is that she was like thinking about moving up the wedding.

So that way Dawson could go before he goes to the Marines.

Are you not allowed to go to your mom's wedding if you're in the Marines?

Do they not give exemptions for that?

I don't think so.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

I don't know.

I thought like family values.

Have you not watched that show with Teresa Judice?

It's on right now.

You would know.

Special Forces.

Special Forces unit.

How about special exemptions for special occasions?

My mom's getting married in a bikini this weekend.

Can I go?

No.

No.

It's like, oh, it's like, that's like what our, it's like, we have it to do things other than you going to a bikini wedding.

So she is like, she's like, well, I just kind of had this freak out moment, you know, I was like, oh my God, I'm marrying a guy who has paint splatter on his denim and I'm just like still having them.

And then I realized Dawson's doing this and then we're going to get married and then we'll get married and then we'll work around that when Dawson's home.

And I'm just like,

I guess this was a flashback when she was talking to Gina and Gina's like, you know, why are you putting that pressure on yourself?

So I guess that helped Jen snap out of this and not freaking out so much about this wedding planning.

This is the most low-key housewives wedding planning we've ever seen, by the way.

There's like this casual

kind of like a wedding thing happening in the background of the season, and like no one cares about it.

It's like barely even registering on any of our radars.

Yeah, just go back to your roots, get married in a parking lot, and call it a day.

That's what I say.

Just wear some flip-flops and a bikini, get it done.

Yeah, last time she went back to her roots, she went up putting my hair in her hair.

I got married on TV.

Now she's getting married on TV.

Oh, really, bitch.

I wore a bikini last summer.

Now she wants to wear a bikini.

Oh my God.

Single by female.

Yeah.

So she is like freaking out about this wedding that nobody cares about.

And I just like her whole attitude is like, this is really, really hard on the kids seeing me marry somebody that's not their father.

So I want to make sure they're all there to watch it.

It's like, I know.

Let Dawson take a break.

Okay.

He actually has an excuse not to be there.

Let the man live.

Okay.

None of you signed his damn

loan for that kid to go to college.

So just leave him alone.

Let him go live his life.

You know, my first wedding was so wah, wah, wah.

You know, violins and orchestra and sit-down dinner and food and past apps and, you know, wedding band and music and people having fun and a photographer.

And I just want the complete opposite of that.

I want us to sit in chairs that are sinking into the mud and no one's even playing any music.

It's just going to be great.

A great rebellion.

I'm like, that first wedding sounded okay.

But basically, she's like, I want to get onto a boat.

We're going to drink Malibu

and party all day long.

We're just going to have a big old trashy boat, fun boat time.

And that's it.

Yeah.

So then we,

why are we still in the scene?

It goes on for a very long time.

It's still going on.

I've got

two pages ago.

So now we're talking about Temecula.

And

she's like, well, the house was insane and Tamara just kept saying, you should get married here.

And I'm not going to lie, there was a part of me that was like, This could be easy.

Tamara's already booked it.

Now I can book it.

It'll be my place.

It's a trap.

It's a trap because Tamara will be like, Oh, all of a sudden, she's having a wedding at the place that I said she should have a wedding with.

Why is she copycatting all the things I tell her to do?

You know, it's like I would not touch it with a 10-foot pole.

Now she's having a wedding in the house that I found.

The house that I found.

What's she going to do next?

Have a motorcycle in a side carpet.

So she's talking about having dinner and then how things went south with Shannon and Tamara.

And on the way home,

Shannon didn't say one word.

Shannon, stop being so fucking miserable.

Like honestly, you're on a TV show.

If you don't want to hang out, I don't blame you for not wanting to be around Tamra, but your misery level.

Listen, and I love Shannon's misery.

It's not like Shannon's never been miserable.

That's Shannon's point is being miserable.

Like, I get she's fulfilling her role on the show, but it's like 90% of the time now.

It needs to be like 40% of the time.

We need the good times mixed in with the bad times.

Right now she's just ratchet, ratchet.

There I said it.

There I said it.

Or what are you going to cancel me now?

Ratchets.

You know, when I gave her that word, I gave her that word.

I did enjoy the flashback of them driving in Tamara's trash mobile and Shannon just looking out the window like, I am so angry.

I am so angry.

I can do nothing but look at the beautiful scenery of Carl's Jr.'s and McDonald's going by as we drive back from Temecula to Orange County.

I am just livid right now.

And everyone will see it because I'm looking at a window.

I am extremely upset.

And I will not even share with you people the avocado mountain story.

You told us that one already, Shannon.

Damn it.

Fine.

Oh, okay.

Well, we just...

We just drove by and Annie says, I guess we're not going to stop by and look for fashions there.

That's fine.

That's fine.

We don't have to go there.

We don't have to go there.

Don't listen to me.

So Ryan's like, you know, I actually give Shannon a lot of credit because she's got her own boundaries, you know?

And she's like, I tried and now I'm out, you know, and that's just how it is.

Also, I hate Tamara's guts.

So I'll support anything that Shannon does.

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Speaking of, let's go to Tamaras where look who's back home.

It's Eddie.

It's Eddie, guys.

Eddie back from Big Bear, where he's been hiding out all season.

Here he is.

He has come in and he said, you know what, America?

It's time to change things around.

This time, you're going to get some charisma out of me.

Just kidding.

He left the charisma in Big Bear again.

So now he's talking to the dog.

He's like, you poop more than any dog I've ever met.

Yeah, Eddie, that was a good one.

Here, here's the watermelon.

Wow.

Very Martha Stewart of you.

Okay, just because you serve something on a platter does not make you Martha Stewart.

Come on, Eddie.

Well, I don't got anything to do so i'm going to take sophia to the music institute in hollywood

which i love because that um was a scene that we saw of lisa vanderpump taking max to hollywood to the music school and acting like it was like

i don't know what's a war-torn country right now insert war and torn country here who's like oh darling i can't do it please armor the car who are these people standing around on the street without showers

yeah she really like

she was acting horrified.

She did look like she had like walked into Ukraine.

She was like, she's like, oh, watch out for Putin.

And she's just walking down Hollywood Boulevard.

That was amazing.

It was really, truly like the scene in big business where the limo or the taxi cab drops them off like in the middle of the Bronx and Pet Midland and Lily Tomlin have to like walk to the subway.

And they're like, like, what do we do?

So Tamara is, yeah, she's talking.

We have a flashback of her talking to Sophia, who is like ready to go up to LA and like, you know, advance her music career.

God bless.

This is the right move for this, this poor girl.

Get out of there.

And Tamara's like, it's going to be a sad day when Sophia moves out of the house.

But then I'll be the hottest one in the house again, bitch.

She's my last one at home.

But I want her to experience going to college, making those friendships, going out.

having fun, coming home late, doing things I wasn't able to do.

Afternoon snacks, late night snacks, going to Starbucks, waking up in the morning.

I'm like, these are such basic things.

Like, I want her to go outside.

I want her to make friends.

Poor Tamara, she's really been deprived of some, some real building blocks of just living.

I mean, I get the college part, but she's like, yeah, making friendships, coming out, having fun, coming home late.

you know, stuff I wasn't able to do.

Tamra, we've watched you going out, having friends, ruining friends, coming home late.

And you've done all that.

What are you talking about timer but i get what she's saying you know how can you how can you have ryan at such a young age and now be at this age and look at what ryan has become and not feel like well god damn it i could have gone to music school what the hell i wasted my time

we've been watching this show for about 19 years now and every time we see one of these housewives children preparing to spread their wings i think we're all just kind of like

do it get out get out while you can don't be in the

run like, change your name.

You could be the one.

You can get your fingerprints off.

You know, just get out of here.

Especially this girl.

She's so sweet and she's like an artist and she's like edgy and she sort of has like a Joan Jet kind of hairstyle.

I'm like, you should not be in Orange County.

This is not your place.

Go to Hollywood.

Go to Silver Lake.

Find the hipsters.

Be with the artists.

Do not stay here in like Costa Mesa or San Juan Capistrano.

This is not like Dana Point is not for you, Sophia.

Please go, go, find your path.

Yeah.

So Tamara's like, you know, Shannon, Shannon was miserable on that trip.

She's fucking miserable.

Yeah.

And you shared with me that your dad had a drinking problem.

You know what?

So I said, maybe your dad has a drinking problem.

And she's like, how dare you?

I mean, I just can't say anything about it.

You just can't call anybody an alcoholic anymore.

I can't do this with this woman anymore.

I'm too hot for this.

And Eddie's like, well, until somebody is ready to help themselves, you can't help them, right, Martha Stewart?

Yeah, that is good.

You know, she was growing, she was opening up.

She was talking about the difficulty she had growing up and the problems she had with her dad.

And I was just trying to enter that conversation and not call her out or anything.

I wasn't trying to call her out.

I'm just trying to remind her that her alcoholic bloodline has a 0.10 BAC level.

That's it.

Dangerous got mad at me for calling her dad an alcoholic because I said said the dad's an alcoholic you know because the dad he's an alcoholic i hope she doesn't get mad that i'm saying the dad's an alcoholic so many times in a row

you know if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree especially if it lands in an apple martini glass you know what i'm saying

so she's pulling her whole like i just don't know why she's so mad at me i was just trying to help i didn't think it was such a big secret And then we cut to Shannon.

She's like, oh,

I wish that I could believe that Tamara had only good intentions, but I know her.

Fool me once.

Shame on you.

Fool me twice.

I will start a show called Trace Amigos with you.

Fool me three times.

I will scream at you until you try to have me thrown into a mental hospital.

Screw me four times.

You're not.

I'm going to make you salmon with cheese on the inside.

Stuff a salmon with green cheese and serve it to you before I yell at you.

Fool me five times.

I will have you go move to New York and give my daughter magnums.

Fool me, fool me six times.

I will

go to a Lucille Roberts and I will complain to the manager.

She has crossed the line with me.

I will never be friends with this one.

Hold on, Tamara's calling.

Hello.

I will meet you at lunch.

Can't wait to see you.

Love you too.

Okay.

Wait a second.

That was a robocall.

Okay.

Well, fool me seven times and I will not answer the phone any longer.

Oh, well, she's calling back.

Hold on one second.

Okay.

Oh, it's another robocall.

Okay.

Well.

Yeah, and I'm just trying to move forward with Gretchen to you, but this is a whole different circumstance because this guy's attacked me for 12 years.

This reframing, this re, I'm sorry, but this reframing of Tamara, this episode cracked me up.

The way she has turned the tables and made herself her own victim, where she's like,

she's like, say that, that Gretchen's been attacking her for 12 years.

She's been attacking me.

We have been watching.

We will always remember that reunion.

We will remember Naked Wasted.

We will remember the reunion.

We will remember...

Did you go to Bass Lake?

I mean,

you have been coming for Gretchen all this time.

And at this point, if Gretchen comes for you, it's just like it's kind of like earned retaliation in my mind at this point.

Yeah, it's just Hammer.

She's so good at reframing everything because she knows they can only show so many clips, right?

So, and we the proof of Gretchen coming for her is 2017 at dinner.

So, do you know if Eddie's gay or not?

And one of the guys saying, I saw him making out with the guy.

So, Eddie is like, Yeah, you're talking to Gretchen.

Why would you talk to Gretchen?

And now let's go over to Gretchen's house.

Yeah, Skylar Gray, Skylar Gray,

Skylar Gray.

Isn't that sort of like naming your kid Gray Skies?

I don't know.

Well, they'll clear up.

So then the doorbell rings.

And

it's actually two brands of vodka in one.

You've got Sky and Grey Goose.

I'm not really sure if you want me to drink your baby.

Do you want me to drink your baby?

Well,

you know, there is a rumor that she was conceived while they were listening to the Mr.

Belvedere theme songs.

Well, that's nerved in three for three.

So

that's as far as I can get with my Marquee jokes.

Run, people.

Run.

Sorry.

Absolutely.

So anyway.

I love that there's a lady who arrives to pick up Skylar Gray to take her to school or a nanny or something.

Her name is Miss Aaliyah, and she is basically like the nanny from Muppet Babies because we don't see her.

We just hear Gretchen.

I believe there was anybody there.

I think it was just a Facebook filter or it was an Instagram filter that came to pick that kid out because Gretchen's like, protect your skin.

She's just like, take this filter with you.

Wear it everywhere you go.

Miss Aaliyah is here for you.

Go away with Miss Aaliyah.

Miss Aaliyah's like, I'm not, I will not be seen on camera with this lady.

I will not.

Gretchen's like, are you sure you don't want to put some pearls in your hair?

She's like, no, just give me the child.

It's like, I don't want to come anywhere near you where you're going to try and erase my face again.

Do you remember when she was, uh, when she first had her kid and she was like face-tuning the baby on Instagram and people were having a fit?

Yes.

Like, you don't face time, you don't face tune a baby.

What do you, what is wrong with you?

Gretchen, she's got an obsession.

She can't stop erasing everyone.

She loves.

She just is like,

listen, no one is opposed to FaceTuning.

It's, it's a fun little thing to do.

but Grutchen just like puts it on Max and then goes back and it's locked in and she face tunes it again.

So that way it's like FaceTune on the FaceTune.

And then like, pretty much like half the people on her Instagram look like that, that Jesus

adjustment that that little old lady did in Spain.

You know, it's just like, it's just like a gradient.

Everyone just has gradient faces.

Gradients with eyes.

Yeah.

She's like, but I don't want my baby to look old.

It's like, it's your baby's one.

Would you stop face-to-face the baby?

Okay, everyone thinks you've given birth to a pencil eraser.

So

a pencil eraser with a bow in its hair and a crucifix around its neck.

You know, come on, Jesus, give the baby a break.

So Gretchen is now that the, now that the child has disappeared into the ether, Gretchen is like, I was so tired last night.

I went to sleep and I felt like I didn't get to fill you in.

We were all having fun and being silly and letting loose.

And somehow my music brought up and it made me

think about when Tamara went out to the press and was talking shit.

Tamra Barney says no housewives should sing.

Defies her own bravo job description.

That's the headline we see.

And Slade's like, oh, so you talked about her music career?

She goes, yeah, about the music.

And so that's rich coming from Tamara talking shit about housewives trying to sing.

She's in the freaking studio trying to sing and she's sounding like a drowned rat.

I'd like that she just keeps saying that.

No one's told her that that's not what a drowned rat is.

So you look like a drowned rat.

You don't sing like a drowned rat.

Maybe you sing like a rat that's like stuck in a door.

I don't know.

Also, the rest drowned is not singing.

I need to bring that together.

There's no noise coming out of that rat.

Also, to be fair, when Gretchen says that's rich coming from Tamara, like,

See, you're lying again on camera.

Nothing rich comes from Tamara.

She's not a rich housewife.

So they ask her if she's heard Tamara's singing voice.

She goes, yeah,

it was not great, but that's okay.

Cause she gets in A forever.

Gretchen, we've heard you sing.

I mean, I can't stress this enough.

Just you're not, don't bring up anyone singing and especially your own.

Please don't bring up the gears.

No one needs this.

So Slade's like, oh, yeah.

So he's like, oh, yeah, the song she did in that studio where she fucked Nelson.

Yeah, I remember.

Like, Slade doesn't know this conversation is coming up.

We saw you guys on the phone two nights ago talking about this whole thing.

Slade's like, you guys talked about this?

So bad at this.

By the way, have you seen Slade's website, his production website?

Someone posted it on Reddit.

And it's like,

this production company, it's all the people on it except for him are from AI.

They're like people that you can search the pictures and they show up from like, you know, image sites where you can pick images and pay for them.

And then

the credits, he's like, yeah, we've produced real housewives of orange county and uh marriage boot camp you have not produced them you've been an under five on these shows sir or like a one season wonder on these shows you're not a producer it's so crazy or a below the line

so gretchen is like yeah well i was trying to talk about the music so the fact that you brought the part that we told you to bring up god that really frustrated me i'm like legitimately like mad that you brought it up and he's like oh yeah i apologize it wasn't my intent to cause conflict by saying on camera that Tamara was boning a member of a boy band, possibly Nelson, possibly another one.

And the fact is that she is the one that did it.

So sorry.

You are such a fucker.

Don't make us stand up for Tamara on this one, but you're being a real piece of shit as usual, Slade.

Well, that's the thing, you know, and Gretchen can't last on this show because she's going to get fired for the same reason she got fired before.

Slade, who wants to fucking work with Slade trying to be a housewife over there, starting fights with housewives, saying vile things about, like, we're not here for this, Slade.

Okay, we're not here for you.

Go away and take your eraser face with you, please.

Yeah.

And Gretchen's, Gretchen tells us, you know, Slade is, you know, you know, his shenanigans.

Shout out Sheena.

Shenanigans.

He always goes more than what he needs to talk about.

And then we see a footage of Slade saying the Tamara looks like the Michelin man, you know, on his stand-up.

I'm like, Gretchen, you married this man.

Like, why is this not a deal breaker for you?

I'm sorry.

I think this is a a deal breaker.

I think this is actually like he's, he's a piece of shit.

And you can't just be like, oh, he just always goes a little bit too far.

No, that's terrible because Tamara goes too far too.

And look how, look, look what your thoughts are on Tamara going too far.

But then the guy, but yet you're willing to also just like bring this man into your life.

Well, that's why she likes him because she uses him as her batting ram.

You know, she's going just as far as he is.

She just likes it.

So she's like, she can, she can send Slade out to do all her dirty work and spread all the shit like she has all season and then be like, oh, Slade.

Then she can blame him and look like, oh, you know, man.

You know, Gretchen has, Gretchen has the ability to be like a really,

like a really good real housewife.

She really does.

You know, when she first burst on the scene, she was great.

I was such a big fan of hers.

She came back on this season.

I was like, wow, Gretchen is killing it.

And in all cases,

she starts to curdle because of Slade.

And it's just, it's unfortunate because

I hate seeing raw housewives' talent not being used to its fullest.

And Slade is just always going to be the metal ball that will drag her down.

It's a shame.

Yeah.

So she's like, that guy's in the doghouse right now for sure.

So she wants to move forward, but, you know, everything's going to remind her of something Tamra's done to her in the past.

And

Slade's like, well, I'm not giving you advice because I'm bitter as hell over all that stuff.

But, you know, I'm trying to be a better person.

I don't even know that she's trying, but look at me.

At least I'm trying.

Just, you know, spreading roofy rumors.

And

yeah.

Like, you're really trying, Slade.

Okay.

So then back in Tamri's yard, Eddie says, yeah, you know, Gretchen, I don't think she's even a good person.

I mean, Shannon's harmless, you know, unless you're a house that's in the way.

And she's just very into herself.

You know, she's not malicious.

She's just wacky.

I'm okay with her.

But Gretchen, I think Gretchen's evil.

Okay.

You're kind of invalid, though, because you're sitting, you're married to Tamara.

Yeah.

Gretchen's not evil.

I'm sorry.

She's not evil.

Don't throw dumpers when you live in a possum house.

He's like, she was calling me gay.

She is the epitome of evil.

Ugh, who would even say such a thing?

Like, you should be so lucky, Eddie.

No kidding.

It's a compliment.

You could use it.

You could use some gay in you.

Yeah.

So Slade's like, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube after all the stuff she said about me and Ryan.

It doesn't get taken away.

Like, how does a person like that have an authentic relationship with anyone?

Well, that's actually fair.

So Gretchen's like, well, I do think that they've already realized it.

For instance, even with Emily yesterday, she has a whole thing where she's saying to me about Tamara that she doesn't like Tamra.

Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blue, blip, blub, blub, blub, blub, blue.

That's a flashback sound.

Trust Tamra because like, do I want to hand over information that's sensitive or personal?

And then one day she pulls it out and throws it back at me?

No, thank you.

Do I want to pull out this turkey sandwich from my purse and share it with Tamra?

No, I don't.

Will I eat this turkey sandwich right now to remind America that I'm a wacky person?

I will.

It's from my purse.

I love Emily saying she doesn't want to hand over information that's sensitive or personal because it might get thrown back back at her, which is what Emily does every single episode of this show.

Literally else.

That's all Emily does is take everyone's sensitive information and explode it in their face over and over again.

And she also cons people into thinking that she's on their side.

Like, for instance, right here, when Emily says that she wouldn't trust Tamra, but then immediately, and she's going to curry some favor with Gretchen and build a bond, and Gretchen will sort of like do some light confiding, and then Emily will go and run to Tamra and then explode it all up.

And it's one thing that's always made me crazy about Emily is she can't even play a long game.

You know what I mean?

Like a good, talented real housewife would do what she's doing in a more subtle way and just build a case and keep it going.

But she's, it's like five seconds later.

She's like, oh, so you don't like Tamra either?

No, she doesn't like you, Tamra.

Okay.

So you have a recording.

Okay.

And this happened to the recording.

Tamra, she has recordings.

It's like, oh my God, your season would actually be much more entertaining if you weren't blowing your load load every fucking episode you know so impatient yeah and yet she's gonna load katie off for being um you know shady when emily is doing all this bullshit every single episode in an uninteresting way and then they're all dumb they fall for it and it's like she's so transparent it's that's all these people yeah and now look what happens she doesn't have kaylee katie to bully and mess with anymore so now they're going to turn on gretchen which i don't like gretchen so i'm fine with it but it does show that she's just going to try and ruin whoever else is next.

You know, lame, lame Emily, bad work, lazy work, lazy housewivery.

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It's time for us as Bravo viewers to take some stock about some things, which is that

Emily and Gina have been on Bravo for about seven or eight years now,

and they still have yet to have a single iconic moment, line, gif,

incident, anything.

There's not, there's not a clip, clip.

There's not a, you can't be stupid and smart.

You know, there's, there's not a, um, um, you stole my goddamn house like there's just there's like nothing well there's how do you go

sandwich that is that is no do you want turkey sandwich no i mean that's not even really that much of a thing like we it really it was like in that season it was sort of a thing but you know like all these years later and like the truth is everyone everyone has said like

Gina is actually awesome.

Like that everyone who's worked with Gina said like she's kind of the best.

And I have to imagine maybe that's why they come back because maybe, maybe Bravo really likes working with them.

And I have no doubts that they are probably like cool people.

But the truth is, we've been watching these people and some seasons they're better than others.

Sometimes we're like, you know what?

They actually are.

They're doing their job.

They're stirring the pot.

Why are we always so shitty to them?

But I think the issue is that even with the stirring the pot, even with doing the things they're supposed to be doing, we're this deep in.

And there's still nothing for us to grasp onto as fans.

It just is like, it's just a big groan.

And so now here's Emily doing her shit again.

And we're going to the patterns again.

Here's how I judge how successful a real housewife is.

That's why I was looking at my phone in case anybody's thinking I'm just over here texting while man's talking.

I was looking this up.

I like to go, you know, when you send a text and you can send a GIF.

or whatever, like the images section.

So I'm showing it to people on demand right now.

So that's what I do.

I type in Real Housewives of Orange County.

Kelly dot is first, just making like a little movement.

It's like a movement get thing, no words.

And then we have Tamara's, That's My Opinion.

Then we have Tamra's God, I Hate Her.

Then we have the messy gay that's with Gina Keow throwing a wine glass at

Tamra there, screaming.

That's why you're getting a divorce.

And then we have Vicky's Whoop It Up.

And then we have Shannon screaming something.

We have Gretchen, who's like, We might as well throw jello shots into it.

Uh, we have a couple of Heathers,

another Heather, some Vicki's, some Tamra.

we even have a megan king edmonds in the megan king edmonds have moments we even have the swimsuit designer lizzy um saying something has we have another kelly dodd

there is not an emily or gina in this entire thing after eight years

i mean after eight years even even that boring lady um

what's her name

oh

yeah i got to be more specific on this show right bronwin

No, the one, Lydia.

Lydia.

Lydia, like

a couple.

Yeah, I mean, like, like you, you can say, oh, remember the time when Megan King Edmonds was just like tenacious against the key.

Remember the time when so-and-so did this?

Remember when this, remember when Heather like sat down Shannon and like read over filth or like yelled at Taylor about IMDb?

Like there's always, they're like little snippets that like, that like we grasp onto.

But like with Gina and Emily, we're looking back.

There's nothing.

There's no like one of no like those special moments.

Like if you're doing a top 100 moments of all time with real housewives,

what moment are you putting in for Emily and Gina?

I'm not even trying to be mean.

I'm just building a case of like, I think it's time.

I think it's time.

I think their time has come.

Axe them.

Get rid of them.

Okay.

So Gretchen's like, yeah, I mean, she's literally pushing pushing being part of like trying to hear the song which is gonna make her friends sound bad so she doesn't like tamar either because she wanted me to play the song gretchen you brought up the song of course they're gonna want to hear the song you can't make them sound like bad friends just for wanting to hear the song yeah

so she's like yeah i'm like was i proud of the fact that even that it even got to that no but my heart and soul was telling me like i don't want to be a mean girl and that's not my intent that's that's why I called you to be mean so I didn't have to be mean why were you mean that was so mean of you to be mean I'm so mad at you in the dog ass

here's the thing Gretchen you could have been messy and you could have been like oh well you know tamara tried to sing and you could have literally just left it at that and would have been funny and tried to but you said yeah remember when she was having the affair with Nelson it's like you said like You add, you, you can't act like I was trying so hard not to be a mean girl when you added the, you, not only, you didn't add flames to the fire.

You didn't add like oil to the gas to the fire.

You, you provided the fire.

You provided the matches, provided the gas, you provided the little, the little drum that the fire is in.

You provide the logs.

You, you provided everything for the fire.

You were the fire.

Don't act like you were like held against your will to become a mean girl.

Yeah.

So now we go to Tamara with her daughter walking down the glamorous Hollywood Boulevard.

And they're naming stars.

They're looking at stars.

And Tamara, they just don't know anybody.

Tamara's like, who's Patty Page?

Sounds like a bitch.

Who's Bob Hope?

That's a stupid name.

Fred Aster.

What the heck?

Okay, here we are.

The music instances.

After walking down a whole street of no names.

Losers.

You're a bunch of losers, okay?

They should have poop emojis instead of stars, bunch of poopers.

Stupid.

No one's a star here.

So they go in, in and Sophia meets with the guy in there and he gives like a tour and Tamara's talking about how, you know, she's like, yeah, she makes her own music now.

She can probably tell you better than me.

I'm just the hot one who's here for the ride.

And

they just go on a little tour and it's like, it's, it's cute.

It's nice.

I'm actually happy for Sophia.

And there are definitely flashbacks in our minds to

Max Todd, et cetera.

And we go through all these facilities.

And the funny part was at one point,

she's talking about what kind of, she's, she's saying, Sophia's talking about the music, like her inspirations.

And she's like, I really like Alice Glass or Crystal Castles and like trip hop stuff, like Massive Attack and LTP is pretty cool.

And she's like, what?

Me's a fancy boob,

which is

a fun, neat little tieback callback to the original scene.

So Sophia's like, yeah, my name is Ugly Angel.

That's my artist name.

And Tamara's like,

Ugly Angel.

So stupid.

And he's like, Yeah, that's Edgy.

That's Edgy.

And for paying tuition, I'll pretend that that's a good choice.

She's like, Yeah, I'm really inspired by people.

So they, you know, they look at the tour and the facility and stuff.

And then it's time for them to talk.

You know, so Paul has to leave.

And Tamara's like, are you up for this?

Because whatever enrollment methods we should get you in here, are you going to drive?

Are you going to move here?

You want to move here?

You should move here.

You should move here.

Ryan lives right on the corner.

he's right out there right now shaking some change in the can come on go live with ryan you're gonna love it

she's like well you know i just feel so much more confident about this now because i don't want to be stagnant you know i mean look at you mother like hey bitch yeah but that's that's the last thing i want to be but like sometimes i'm like okay with being on my own now you know

so they Tamara wants to cry, of course.

She's like, I want to cry.

And Sophie's like, dude, you cry at everything.

It's like actually absurd how often you're crying, mom.

Like, I appreciate your support, but like, I don't for the tears, okay?

I love you, Sydney.

I just want to say, Sydney, you're doing the best job.

And I've done the best job raising you.

And no one named Sydney is ever going to call me a bad mother again.

My name's Sophia.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Just shut up.

Just go with it.

Run with it.

You know, when I was 20 years old, my dream was to go to the Fashion Institute, you know?

And I wanted to do some fashion.

Believe it or not.

That is hard to believe.

Mother.

It really is.

It really is.

You would think that you would have read something about fashion before ever going to do that.

I mean, so you wanted to go to the Fashion Institute and now you just defile it every day of your life.

I was a good girl in North America, shoulder pads, and cutouts.

I always wanted to bring those kinds of shirts that are just two pieces of cloth under your armpits that you pull towards the middle of your chest and then you tie off with a giant brass door knocker.

I've always wanted to bring those to the

masses.

If I had my way, every girl and every woman in America would have gumdrap hair.

But alas, I never got to do it.

I got tired, tied at home with the baby, and that was just a different life for me.

Just a different, different life with a horrible, horrible little baby.

And she's like, Mom, you're probably my biggest fan.

Like, you've been so supportive.

I'm so grateful.

And what's your name?

Sidney.

Okay, good job.

I'll pay for it.

Okay, good job.

So then we go to a med lounge and Jen is going to get a facial with her daughter Everly.

Everly,

this poor, this sweet girl, Everly, she's like way too normal to be on the show.

I mean, this is what always happens on Orange County.

Well, I shouldn't say Orange County actually has some,

I would not say its track record with like super chill, normal kids is great.

But this is something on housewives that we see a lot is just like these really lovely kids.

And you're like, why are they being dragged into this?

So they go and they get facials.

And this is Everly's first ever facial.

It's a big moment for her.

You know, like, I know like in my religion, when you turn 13, you have like a barbat mitzvah and you become an adult.

And I know in like blonde religion, when you get your first facial, you become an adult.

So I'm just like so proud of this, this sweet person.

Blonde religion.

Yeah.

So they do that.

They talk about boys.

And she's going to high school and she wants a boyfriend.

Mom, you had a boyfriend in high school.

It's like, yeah, but like when I was young, that's what everybody did.

But, you know, you're supposed to be at home, you know, doing dances with your elbows on the internet.

Isn't that what kids do now?

She's like, no, I want a boyfriend.

So they have like good, cute, small talk, but then it moves on to marrying Ryan.

And she's like, so, you know,

when you get married, typically you have your best friend stand with you.

And, you know, Tamara's accusing me of being a stalker right now and as i'm going to probably wear the bikini she wore last weekend on our trip i don't think it would be appropriate to ask her so i wanted to tell you you're my best friend would you like to stand for me at my wedding and she's like

i mean i've never even been to a wedding mom and my first wedding will be standing she's like is it weird me being married to jack tripper's neighbor instead of your dad and she's like

not really i'm really happy for him mom she's like okay well are you are you sure you weren't like please don't marry him please don't marry that man

please don't marry that he wears hello kitty jogging suits please

and i love that like we see that the two of them are doing um like this joint confessionals and jen is like you know and and everly's like sitting there like crying and jen's like i mean will and i we were we were a really good family and when that splits and that goes away i mean there's there's just no relationship anymore i mean it's truly like morning i mean obviously look look at this one just sobbing look at this man what a a mess look at my daughter isn't she so sweet what a mess look at her obviously look look she keeps on doing this she keeps like pointing to her daughter like i mean look am i right look she's a mess my daughter

look at her look at her mourn it is crazy it's like yeah well let me tell you why i want to be married again i want to be married because i love having a partner Okay, and Brian's my partner.

And I feel like dad and I were parents.

And marrying Brian changes nothing because I'm still a parent and your dad's still a parent.

So you see how that works?

So I still love your dad.

You know, I just don't want to speak to him or have him in my vicinity, but he feels like family for me, family that I hate.

And I will always fight for that relationship with dad always,

which I'm doing by marrying the man I cheated with him in a parking lot of Tamara's gym.

So it's going to go great.

She's like, please don't marry.

I can't stand.

I can't look at his teeth without hurting my eyes.

Please, mom.

It's just such a shitty trade because I'm finally prioritizing.

I'm finally being prioritized in a relationship with the man who spends time with me and who's my best friend.

And then I look at the collateral damage.

This one over here, dumb-dumb next to me, look at her crying.

This was so crazy.

But she goes, look at the collateral damage.

And she just points at Everly, who's like sitting there crying.

It's like, look at it.

Look at that collateral damage.

We had to postpone her first facial by two years because she couldn't stop crying.

Oh, God.

It's in these moments where I just feel like a failure.

I mean,

big old blubbery mess next to me.

Can you even call yourself a success as a parent when you got this one next to you on national television?

I don't think so.

Do you think that your mom's a failure?

And Everly's like, um,

no,

I don't think my mom's a failure at all.

She's like, yeah, well, it's just going to take some time to work on the confident answering.

But thank you.

Thank you so much, Everly.

Thank you so much, CD.

Mom, collateral damage.

CD.

You know, I just want to marry my best friend and show you the best version of your mom that may have some paint splattered on her face that was supposed to be going onto the denim.

And I just want to do want you to do that by my side, okay?

But you're going to have to not cry at the wedding.

Well, you can cry, but like happy tears, not collateral damage tears.

You can do that, right?

Congratulations.

You've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap.

For part two, go look for the recap that says part two.

Mm.

See you over there, suckers.

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