#3004 RHOC S19E11 Part One: Safety in Slumbers

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Watch what crap is, watch what crap is.

Who cares what happens for this?

So much that crap is

a good thing.

Hello, and welcome to Watch More Crap Ends, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today, it's Ronnie Carom.

Hi, Ronnie.

How are you?

Well, hello.

How's it going, you little Benini Toons?

It's going quite well.

Thanks.

Going quite well.

Just here to talk some Real Housewives of Orange County.

On Monday, we have Crappy Hour.

That's going to be at 5:30 on the West Coast and 8:30 on the East Coast.

So, come join us.

That's on YouTube.

It's also simulcast on Instagram.

And we talk about Bravo headlines.

And at the end, we bring some of you up to chat, etc.

It's always fun.

We do it every other Monday.

So, come join us for that.

And then, we, of course, have our glorious Patreon, which includes a bonus episode every week.

This week, we did a trailer on future Bravo Flop wife swap.

and uh we also

let's be honest let's be honest we're gonna watch but let's be honest and then um i mean i mean i'm sorry i shouldn't say that it is starring emily simpson so i know that will get everyone's attention and everyone's gonna tune in for that everyone's gonna drop what they're doing

but we did have a lot of fun with the trailer we actually had a lot of fun with the trailer and then we also have crap it's on demand where you can watch us not just listen uh you get videos and uh those videos do wind up eventually on our youtube channel so go check us out there.

So that's all the great news that's

we have to start with on this Friday.

And Ronnie, how are you doing today?

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling great.

I cut one of my toenails too short because, I don't know, my toe doesn't know where my toenail ends and my toe begins.

So that was rough.

But otherwise,

everything's wonderful in my world.

How's it going with you?

It's good.

My voice feels a little scratchy today.

It feels a little like, you know, when you have to sort of put out a little extra air to get the sound out?

That's where I'm at.

It's almost like, it's like, I feel like I've been like, I don't know,

gone through a car wash or something.

I guess we were talking about that earlier this week.

Let me be the air beneath your trachea today.

Please help me.

I'll just help you any way I can.

I'm just drinking this iced coffee and hoping it like gets things flowing.

So we are here to talk Orange County and where we left off.

The cast had split up and gone on dual vacations.

Some people had the misfortune of going down to Temecula with Tamara, and others had the other misfortune of going up to Heather's ice-cold

clinical slumber party in Beverly Hills.

Yeah, Elsa's castle in Beverly Hills.

So

that was last week.

And

the episode ended, of course, with...

Shannon and Tamara arguing and Shannon immediately being like, but Gina was the one who said she was worried about you drinking Shannon.

I'm right.

Whoops.

Yeah.

Whoops.

And Gina's like, whoa.

So that's where we start.

And Gina's like, but you know, I worry about you.

You know, you have to understand, like, for me, like, just because I do care about you and I, like, know the place you've been in as a drunk alcoholic, you know, I don't want to see you go back to, you know.

whatever this face is that you're making right now.

Shannon's just like sob face, like, oh,

all episode, Shannon just has these little pink eyes her eyes are half closed like she's been sobbing her hair is all over the place she's like I cannot believe people are suggesting I have a problem

and the best part is that they're they're sitting at this dinner table that has this kind of like this it's like not it's not really a centerpiece but there's like a floral arrangement in front of it there's like branches and stuff And Shannon has grabbed like a small twig with like little buds on it.

I don't know if you noticed it.

And she was holding it in her hand.

I don't think she realized.

It was like a fidget spinner for her.

And she was like shaking it.

And so as she, every time she talked, this little branch was trembling right in front of her.

And she was like, wow, um, trembling branch.

It was so, it was like the perfect prop for Shannon, a little trembling twig.

And she's like, oh, well, okay, I'm never, I'm never going to go back, Gina.

I appreciate what you're saying, but I'm not going to go out.

I appreciate the words.

Yeah, but to be fair, like what this all was was born out of something that I didn't like that you did, Tamra.

And Timra's like,

but you can't turn on me, bitch.

You can't do that.

And she's like, yeah, because you like shat on her all of last year and now you're taking her away for sneaky drinks i was like oh that was a good

that was pretty good gina like i like the way that you do the the twist on tamara there well yeah people are used to tamara's game now you know she's like okay tamara you were trying to turn that on me but that was me yelling at you tamara's like yeah but then what did i say and uh i said uh no i totally get what you're saying and then you also understood where i came from remember

yeah and then you came and tried to throw her under the bus to Shannon and get her in trouble, Tamara.

My God.

And Tamara has the funniest little flashback.

She's like, Yeah, I wasn't trying to take her away to have a drink.

I just got so happy that me and Shannon made up.

And I know that that's her love language.

Going to have a cocktail, you know, getting drunk, crashing into things.

Like, I was like, that's her love language.

Like, that's,

you're so shady.

Like, oh, her love language is falling off the wagon.

So, look, I got us, I got us one of those pads that gymnasts use, and I put it next to an actual wagon.

And I set up a keg on the wagon, and we just got up there and did some stands.

Her love language is acts of bar service, it's cocktail service.

That's a love language.

I was just trying to love her because we're fans fashioning in so pretty.

So

speak your love language because I don't know if you know it, but her language only has two letters in it.

Actually, really, only one letter, A, just said twice.

Well, I am, I'm making decisions on what's best for me.

And sometimes what's best for me is a bottle of kettlebell in my purse.

Okay.

So,

and last year was very traumatic for me because I was in a hole I didn't think I could crawl out of.

And I'm still processing the hole.

I cannot stop thinking about the hole.

There was a literal hole in my lawn and I fell into it.

And I was like, help, help.

And it took three days for someone to walk by and say, oh, there's a woman in a hole.

So it was a lot for me to go through.

Anyway, oh, God, I'm trembling.

Let me just ask you a question.

I'm sorry.

What were you saying, Ben?

What'd you say, Ben?

I said her little twig was like shaking like crazy.

Her twig.

Go back and watch.

You will see her holding that little twig.

It's the funniest thing.

But let me just ask you, Shannon, what I need to do to make things better for us.

What I need to do, Shannon.

All I want to do is make things better.

Okay, I'm going to call you an alcoholic in about five minutes.

You've got five minutes.

Go ahead, Shannon.

And Shannon's like, you know, know, I've just heightened.

I need time.

I need time.

Time.

I need time.

Like,

I appreciate the kind, nice gestures.

And I have, I have laughed a lot today.

And I think that's great.

And I hope that that's enough because that's all I can do right now, Tamara.

I just, I just need time.

How about some kettle one, bitch?

Well,

I will accept that too.

We're great goose.

Yes, Migos.

It's time of brandy vodka.

Yeah, you know what?

It's like you're both doing the best you can right now.

And I think that's fair.

They're literally, neither one of them is doing the best they can right now.

Shannon's a maniac.

She's got some issues, let's just say.

And she's starting to scream for no reason at this point.

She's just sitting at dinner and being like, you know what, Tamara.

And then you've got Tamara over there pretending to be nice for five seconds and then immediately falling back into that stupid alcoholic.

In about two minutes now, we've got two minutes left.

Speaking of time.

Yeah, seriously.

Well, i appreciate everything that you've done and i'm grateful and i and i i thank you tamara i really i really do which is yeah and as much as this conversation was difficult i really appreciate it bitch and i feel like that's what real friends do is actually talk about things especially when they're alcoholics and we talk about that and i know that it's probably not you know that that i probably have never done that before because you know i've been on defense you know because you're an alcoholic and i have to put myself against the wall be like an alcoholic's attacking me and i apologize how has camera been on the defense She's been on the offense.

That's what the argument is about.

She came for Shannon all year last year.

She wasn't on the defense.

I just hope we can come back to the house and have some shenanigans.

Shenanikin.

Shenanikin.

You know, I'm glad we got to talk about it.

Shenanigans.

Because it's fun to listen to you talk about things.

Because you list while you do it and that kind of slur.

And

you smell back alcohol and stuff.

I bet if we lit a match in front of Shannon's mouth she was while she was talking about stuff she'd look like a dragon

somebody's alcohol

it doesn't feel like a service um question am i allowed to bring my twig back to the house it's sort of it's sort of like a service twig

i i

it's it's helped me with my anxiety please let me bring my twig back

and uh

Tamara throws a napkin at her face and Shannon's like who threw a napkin and Jen says I just you know what I just got triggered did you mean twiggered look at Shannon Shannon's twiggered right now.

She was like, How come?

Snapped him in my face.

Twig, twig, twig, twig, twig.

So now we go back up to Crustacean Beverly Hills, where the women are still eating dinner.

And Heather's like, that was delicious.

So good.

I was like,

Heather, you didn't eat a single bite.

We all know.

The way that we had that, what was it again?

Crab.

Delicious.

Yo, I mean, it was pretty good for stuff that came out of someone's vagina.

So Heather goes, okay, ladies, we have places to go.

There's paparazzi waiting for us.

Because now I know them by name.

Remember, remember that totally coincidental time when we ran into the paparazzo earlier today?

And then we see a flashback to that lady being like,

I know for a fact that that other paparazzi had no idea you'd be at Disneyland.

As part of the paparazzi network, we all know each other, and I know for a fact it was spoken of in our community very deeply.

Heather had nothing to do with any paparazzi being called.

Yeah, because you know, one thing that the paparazzi love to do is drive all the way down to Disneyland and spend like $150 to walk around on spec, hoping they see a celebrity.

It was her assistant.

And Sane's like, no, it wasn't that either.

Oh my God, what is ringing in my house?

Everything is turned off.

Why are things ringing?

Ben, I'm telling you.

Maybe every ringer is turned off.

It always goes through.

My parents have a way.

They have somehow been able to circumnavigate every single control on Apple.

Like, it doesn't matter.

I turn everything off and my phone will still ring in the middle of a movie theater.

It's my parents be like, we just wanted to call and say hi.

I'm like, how do you always know when I'm in a theater?

They have an uncanny ability.

Also, as long as we're talking about it, when can we like finally

like

like when can we make it more authoritative that if you put your phone on silent, it's truly silent?

How many times have you put your phone on silent and then you turn on Instagram?

It's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, I'm on silent.

Why is Instagram playing loud right now?

Why?

I don't know, but it's bizarre.

I have everything on Do Not Disturb.

And still, it's like, ding, ding, ding, bing, bing, everything starts dinging around me.

And it wasn't doing this, i feel like yesterday anyway that no one is here to hear

me complain about iphone rings okay but you know what this is happening in real time tamara don't disturb tamara and she disturbs me so anyway heather's like my my ios devices are tammering me they just won't shut up

anyway i hope you appreciate my feelings about tamara ladies was i scared of her before

Yes,

because she's mean and I have had many difficult people in my life.

And I started to tell her a story about my father.

So we see two weeks ago, Heather's talking with Tamara and she's like, you remind me a little bit about my dad because in public with our family, he would have these outbursts.

I remind you of your dad.

Why?

Was he hot?

Was he a real hot bet?

He had outbursts in public.

That's what he would do with the family.

And she's like, I don't have outbursts with my family in public.

I was like, please please don't be such a literalist, Tamra.

Yeah.

No, is that me?

So now Heather comes back and is like, so she blew it off.

And she never came back to it and hadn't asked me about it since.

Sort of like Taylor Armstrong with her acting career.

So Gretchen's like,

so what was the situation with your name?

So then Heather's like, thank you for asking.

I will tell you right now.

Shane, cue the music.

My dad died a few years ago, and there's unresolved things.

We've gone into it at the groundlings.

Now, I've blown it off for years, and he would sometimes act in a certain way that you know would be very uncomfortable for me and my sisters in public.

You know, uncomfortable.

He would have an explosion, whether we were at a restaurant or on vacation, and it was embarrassing, and it was disturbing and it was

upsetting i'm like get in line heather debrow whose dad has

you should see my dad at a restaurant i was just gonna say you want to compare it you want to compare traumas to ben's ben hanging out with his dad in a restaurant oh my god i i'll let me tell you something heather debrow is from chappaqua new york and i remember once going to a sushi restaurant with my parents in chappaqua new New York.

And the waiter, like with the, like the waitress was just not coming around at all.

And my dad was convinced that the waitress had seen him and was ignoring him.

And so he started fuming,

fuming.

And then eventually he

walked up to the sushi bar and he goes, and he goes, the next thing that comes to our table better be the food or the check.

And then I had two friends that were there at the restaurant too, and they were looking like terrified i was like no it's just my dad that

was it was mortifying but then at a certain point you just start to you realize that you have more power in those situations you just go dad stop it oh god we've both got nightmare parents in restaurants my mom is the queen of um excuse me i've noticed that they all got their food and we were here first so is there something

she's that's her thing like she had a little bit of that in me someone's always ahead of her in the restaurant game she's like they like them better why would their food come i said mom waiters don't sit in the back and they're like, you know what?

The lady at table tends a bitch.

Serve the other ones first.

Let's just see if we can get.

She goes, but it happens every time.

And then, and this does happen to her all the time.

Everyone else gets their food and they either forget hers or hers just takes like an extra five to 10 minutes to come out.

And I said, I think it's what you're putting out into the world.

This is what you're doing.

Like you're literally like creatively visualizing failure on food delivery.

You know, well, to be fair, sometimes my dad does definitely have like a right to lose his mind.

Cause one time we we went to a restaurant and we had put in our drink order and it had been 25 minutes and our like lemonades still had not arrived.

So the waitress came back and my dad was like,

where's our lemonades?

So she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

So she went back and the owner of the restaurant came out and he came out.

And he's like, you know, we're trying to run a restaurant here.

And he's like, have you ever worked in, you ever worked in the restaurant before?

He's like, and my dad was like, no, but I've eaten in many of them.

Okay.

Well, you think I, the guy goes,

the guy goes,

he's like, well, you think I

you think I give a shit about what you have to say?

And my dad goes, you think I give a shit about what you have to say?

And the guy, then the guy goes, well, guess what?

And he yells this over the entire room.

He goes, guess what?

We took a poll and we all voted, and you're our least favorite customers in the restaurant.

And my dad goes,

my work here is done.

That owner was a dick.

So I was like, that was when

my dad's abilities were used to get a family.

He used his power for good.

That shit's funny.

Yeah.

I just feel like Heather, like,

I mean, I just feel like it's a pretty, I don't know if it's a common thing or not, but I feel like after all these years, Heather's like, oh, I finally have a family trauma for television.

My dad would lose his mind in a restaurant once in a while.

Like, yeah.

It happens.

It's this other trauma, you know.

I'm sure it's traumatic for her, but to everyone else with any kind of parental trauma, it's like, really?

That's it.

It's like, is there an ellipses at the end of this?

Because I need more.

I need more than my dad's a dick in the restaurant.

Like, get in line.

Yeah, exactly.

So, but I love Tamara.

She's like, I've never been mean to my family in a restaurant.

What's she talking about?

I can't possibly be like a dad.

Christopher, I'm a girl.

He's a boy.

So this is ridiculous.

Well, you can't put expectations on someone that can't reach the expectation which is why i try and force feed my child sweet potatoes

yeah you can't put expectations on someone that can't reach the expectation which is why i complain about my mom every single season of this show

So Emily tells us it's difficult for Tamara to have real friendships because she feels compelled to argue or be combative.

You know what, Emily?

I don't know where you got that law degree, but god damn it, you're smart.

I mean, that is some deep thinking.

It's tough for Tamara to have real friendships because she's combative.

You think?

You think?

Yeah.

Wow.

And then she's like, she's like, yeah, I always think, like, she's like, oh, I think, I think she's always thinking in terms of strategizing.

I feel like it's always like some kind of chess game, which is why I always have her side.

I'm like, do you hear the words you're saying about this person?

who you blindly follow episode after episode and defend.

And then you're like, yeah, she's manipulative and combative and she's playing chess with you all the time.

And I'm really scared of her.

So I'm going to do whatever she fucking wants to.

So Heather's like, and maybe that's why I give her allowances.

You give her allowance?

No, not allowance.

I still give Gina allowance.

Okay, but I give Tamara allowances.

You give her more allowance than you give her more allowance than you give Gina?

That's not fair.

However, I just realized, like, do you know this is like part of the psychology around like what we're talking about?

Like, congrats.

Yes, thank you, Gretchen.

Thank you for connecting the dots that were connected about 10 minutes ago.

Wait a second.

I just realized that your feelings about your dad connect directly to your feelings and Amra.

It's like, yeah.

You did it, Gretchen.

You really did it.

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The other day, I ordered from Wayfair this really cool little side table for here in this office.

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Yes, and maybe I parent the way I do because because of this, because I've created my family the way I have, because you can't control where you come from, but you can control who your children hang out with.

You can't control where you come from, but you can control your servants.

That's why they have a separate doorbell.

You can teach your children to control a maid.

You can't control where you're from, but you can control your proximity to Drake, a rapper.

I love the fact that Heather's opening up, and I don't feel like I get to see a lot of that from Heather.

She should share more because it would help people understand her better.

Okay, Gretchen.

So they're done.

And

okay, Gretchen.

Okay,

Gretchen's like.

Okay, Gretchen.

Thank you.

That's just such a ding-bot.

So

Heather has decided since this is girls' night and we're doing fun, girl things together as women who are girls, we're going to go to the Abbey.

This is where homosexuals go to have a good time.

Let's do it.

Gretchen's like, no, no, stop.

Yeah, let's go as real girlfriends do.

Let's go to the abbey at 7 p.m.

on a Tuesday and have a rollicking good time.

They really hit the abbey at that where there's no one there i went there this week around that time uh my cousin was in town we were just gonna like have a drink and i was like well the abbey's good at this time because it's quiet and you can just sit outside and chat it's like a nice place to chat but it was like early and they're blasting i mean the music was like pumping the cars you know it was so loud and there was nobody in there and there was just a line of strippers standing in there so bored like just kind of pinching their dicks like come on make an effort like they were trying to make them work and that they're just like yawning i was like nobody wants to see a bunch of yawning strippers in an empty place with music pumping our brains at you guys.

We need to like strippers violins or something during happy hour, you know, and then they can slowly, yeah, they can slowly get crazier throughout the night or something.

But yeah, so they chose to go at this time.

There's like two people in there.

I know.

And look, we all get it.

You know, bars

are empty at the beginning and then they fill up.

But it was just funny because the women went.

Clearly, it was like seven o'clock.

Like we could, you could look in the shots.

You could could see there was no one there and they were trying to frame it in a way like no this is like it's party time it's crazy but it was just one of these like really sad things where they were pretending like they were having this crazy wild party but it was just like it's it's like when they shoot like a lunch scene at a restaurant clearly at like 4 p.m and there's no one in the restaurant like yeah this is what's going on here the abbey should have dragged in people because it made it look sad It looked really sad in there.

It looked desolate.

It's like, this is what's, this is how far the Abbey has fallen.

Now it's Gretchen, gretchen emily and heather de breaux hanging out at the abbey it's like is this supposed to be a commercial for the abbey i don't think it's it's not giving what you think it's giving who would have thought that three gay icons heather debrow emily simpson and gretchen rossi wouldn't have just brought in throngs of gays shocking

but before they even get there uh you know because they're like let's go dance and emily's like wait a second I think I've got some fireball.

And she empties out her purse, like,

on the table.

And I'm just like, again, it's like what I said last week.

I can't stand this.

Like, when Emily is like,

like, being like, I'm in a fancy restaurant, so I'm going to act like a, I'm going to act silly now, like a kid.

I'm like, oh, God, just.

So tacky.

Why are you spilling it?

And then she has like a grummy bear that she's like putting in her mouth.

And I'm like, just.

Yeah, it's like, look, I've got gummy worms.

I have enough for all of us.

They fell out of my purse.

Isn't that insane?

I keep,

I keep gummy worms in my purse.

We get it, emily you're a woman who carries calories in her purse you're just

hilarious okay

so then over in temecula the other women come back to their their rental and uh tamara's like we gotta change the mood so they are gonna like they're just like being silly and humping around and stuff like that

just like What was that song?

Ain't nobody humping around.

Is that Poppy Brown?

Anyway, Tamara is like, oh my God, look, Rogina, I can't even imagine you being honey here.

She's like, yeah, I'm like a very much a different person in the bedroom because, like, you know, we know that song, you know, where they say, I'm a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed.

My freak version is going like this.

Aww,

aw, do me.

I feel that.

Yeah, like in the bedroom, I say things like I would only see in the bedroom.

Like, live, love, love.

She's like, reading all of her word art.

Doomy.

She's like, kitchen,

dosta, big.

She puts on panties that has like the gather font, but it just says vagina.

Or maybe it just says gather.

Gather.

Yeah, it still just says gather.

And she's like, yeah, I'm like real private.

And Tamara says, you're not like a public fucker.

And Jan's like, public, but

what is a public fucker?

What?

What?

What?

Mom.

Yeah, she's a private fucker.

I'm like, what?

What?

Do I know what a public fucker is?

No.

No.

They're just like hanging around.

They're just being silly.

You know, they're going to go in the hot tub and everything.

And Tamara is...

She's doing a whole spiel about how since Shannon doesn't want to wear a bathing suit, she got them all t-shirts

that have like bikinis drawn on them that they're going to wear instead.

Yeah, camera.

You know what?

Shannon feels into care about being in the bikini.

So I got five XL cotton shirts with a bikini drawn on the front of them.

And we're gonna make Shannon go to the pool with his shirt on.

It's gonna be hilarious.

It's such a light-hearted thing to do to an insecure person.

Okay, Gina, here's yours.

This is size XL.

Here's mine, size XL.

And here's yours, Shannon, size AA.

Okay, get put it on.

So, yeah.

So, she's like, you know, I just want to be funny and quirky like Shannon is.

I'm just trying to be funny and quirky like Shannon.

Okay, come on.

We're going to have fun.

God damn it.

So they go to change and get wacky.

By the way, there is no chemistry with that crew.

They look like they're having a miserable time.

Jen.

Jen, Emma, I mean, none of them are having a good time in Temecula.

It's hard to watch.

You know, it's hard.

Yeah.

So then up at the Abbey, now these ladies arrive and i'll tell you i mean nothing says woohoo let's go to the abbey like gretchen's hair like

gretchen gretchen put on the perfect hair for the abbey

this 1960 she looks like the mom from the wonder years so she's like we're going to the abbey um maybe i should do my nancy grace

outfit i'm gonna i'm gonna wear my nancy grace hair

it's exactly right

so they're, and Emily's like, oh, wow, Gretchen, what time will you be performing?

And then we have a flashback to Gretchen performing with the Pussycat dolls in 2013.

Ah, times have changed.

So they're like that the strippers are writhing on them

and it's all very exciting.

One of those strippers, I used to go to the gym.

One of those strippers used to go to my gym and he always looked so cute.

I had no idea he was a stripper at the Abbey.

I was like, wow, the hot guy from the gym.

Good for him.

He really made it.

Well, the Abbey is all in good

this isn't like tamara's bachelorette with people putting wieners in your ears okay when gretchen hired those strippers and they were exposing their donkey meat with the cochering and ear girls okay it's not that we

always see a flashback of heather cabreezing the strippers um but to be fair she just thought that they were butlers this is what i do with all the servants

That was the trip that ruined Tamara and Gretchen's relationship because they had spent the whole season like, we're friends now.

Aren't we friends?

Let's make up.

And the whole season, they were like, yeah, we're friends now.

We're such good friends.

And then at the bachelorette party, Gretchen planned all this stuff for Tamara and this trip.

And then Tamara didn't even invite her out to party.

And she got really upset.

I forgot about that.

It ruined Tamra.

And she went out with like Vicki.

Yeah.

Vicki.

And yeah, they went out and got wasted after.

And Tamara's like, or Gretchen's like, you couldn't even invite me.

I planned this whole party for you.

And you went on partying without me.

I thought we were friends.

Like, that's your tough slat.

You stupid, stupid slat.

Why is your so mad at me?

I don't get it.

So, uh, Emily is now dancing on the table.

The strippers are strippering, and um, and Gretchen's like, like, wow, I feel like Emily's not getting enough at home.

I mean, she's like, riding that cowboy.

I'm like, well, wouldn't you, if the option is this like muscle-clad man or Shane?

Gretchen, once again, really, it's like, wow, it's almost like she's married to Rumble Silskin.

Wow.

So now they dance and they take turns on the polls and Gretchen reminds us that she's an experienced pole dancer.

Okay.

As a matter of fact, in my 20s, I kicked a couple strippers off the stage and took their position.

That was in New Orleans.

That was the old good days.

That was the old good days.

I love Gretchen English.

Yeah, the old good days.

And Emily's like, you know, I like Gretchers when she drinks a little bit.

Okay.

She's like, oh, different Gretschers.

Listen, I've fucking had enough of Gretschers.

I've had enough.

Can we just normalize not saying the word Gretschers?

I don't think there's a more annoying word this year.

Gretschers.

Gretschers.

It's also, it's, it's also like, I hate a nickname that doesn't actually speed things up.

It's just as fast to say Gretschers.

If not, and it actually involves a little bit more sound because you have to add an S to it.

It's actually, you wind up saying Gretschers.

You say, it doesn't make it faster to say Gretchen by calling her Gretcher's.

That makes that I actually have no problem with Gretchers, to be honest.

I'm not, I, I'm, I wish I could, yes, and you like Heather at the Groundlings, but I, I, I can't stand the word fucking Gretschers.

It's making me crazy.

Stop trying to make Gretchers happen.

I can't take it.

It bugs me.

Maybe it's irrational.

I guess it's irrational, but it really, really bugs me.

So the irony is that it was Gretchen Wiener who tried to make Fetch happen, and now it's Gretchers that is trying to be made to be happening.

Yes.

Now I'm speaking Gretchen language.

So Emily is like,

yeah, I like, you know, I like Gretchen's when she drinks a little bit.

It's like a whole different Gretcher's.

And I'm like, well, drunk Gretcher's, I like Gretchen's, drunk Gretcher's overpraying Gretcher's.

And then it cuts to like this footage of Gretchen, like

doing some video for Instagram in her car with the kid in the background being like, and just remember, Jesus loves you.

God bless.

Should we FaceTime Shane?

Why?

That no one ever in the history of ever.

Why would TD?

Why would he do that?

Why?

Even Tim Cook is like, okay, we're going to shut down Apple.

We will make sure that every

notification gets to Ronnie Harrim, but we are not going to

allow any excessive FaceTiming.

Yeah.

And now we think you're going to love it, guys.

New surprise.

The iPhones are now refusing to show shane on face time it's like thank you i will buy that phone i will buy that charge me whatever you need to i don't even care about your new chip okay yeah this this would be a good use of ai

just intercept the call

so she calls and there's keller and luke and all them and shane is like Saying, he's like, yeah, I got a plane simulator for Luke's iPad.

Oh,

even though it's difficult.

And I think about what's going on at home.

I mean, Luke is now flying planes and I'm missing all of it.

As moms, we do need to step away and understand that bodies can be tall, hard, and beautiful once in a while.

So back in the car, she hangs up with Shane and it was, it was a riveting call.

And

Heather's like, you know what?

We should have done karaoke.

That's what we should have done.

And Gretcher's is like, can we we find a karaoke place?

Do you think they'll play my song?

Wait, I forgot that you had a song.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I forget.

But now that you remind me, my head is absolutely pounding.

Alfredo, do you have an Advil?

It's, you know, sometimes I forget that you have a song also.

So was your song also written by Richard Marks the way mine was?

No.

Oh, who wrote your song?

Hmm.

I'm not familiar.

Anyway, Multi-Grammy Award Award winner Richard Mark sang my song that we sang on TV and that two podcasters like to sing by themselves quite often to this day.

I do whatever I want.

Whatever I want to

move expectations.

God, it's such a

cover.

I know we should get Gretchen to fill in for Dr.

Jen's part on that song because Dr.

Jen, I mean, talk about a temp track.

Like, that woman should not be on any, on any single,

like whatever that song plays and it gets to dr jen's line she's like i do my own thing and i do what i want i'm like oh god

dr jen

so gretchen tells them she doesn't only have a song she has four songs and we see a flashback to 2012 gretchen singing in the studio you'll never break me break me break me down you'll never get me to pay his child support i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna gonna do it.

You say child support.

I say mom support.

Stop saying child support.

You'll never break me, break me, break me, break me down.

That's actually a song dedicated to her Aquanette hair.

That thing is not gonna break.

We need Gretchen and Gina to do a duet.

As long as they're besties, they they should be dueting together.

I mean, I did not realize that the Gretchen Rossi songbook had already reached, had quadrupled in size since we last saw it.

But I had forgotten that she had a song, but we should have remembered because wasn't that song played during her engagement with Slade on Top of the Building, their fake engagement?

Yeah, I remember that one.

You're gonna get engaged to me.

I'm not writing checks to your ex.

Well, that rhymed.

A great song, Gretchen.

The song is called Oh, That Rhymed.

Emily.

Oh, That Rhymed by Gretchen Rossi.

Oh, that rhymed.

Does Tamara know that?

Because if Tamara knew that you had four songs, I feel like she'd play them.

I'm going to text her.

So Gretchen goes, yeah, well, Tamara tried to be a singer.

However, I have the audio of her trying to sing in the studio, and it's like not very good.

Now, I just want to say the exact quote.

I have the audio of her because, of course, I'm always going to continue to re-litigate the Katie case.

This is going to go in by the end of the episode.

The file of Gretchen is a fucking liar.

Yeah.

Continues to lie and change her stories all day long.

Impulsively, along with her husband.

Still lying, still lying over there.

Let's let's just not call Gretchen out again.

That'll be fun.

That's a fun plot twist.

Um, so and when she says to her, I tried to sing her and be a singer, but she's not good.

Okay, Celine, yeah, you're Gretchen.

No, you really, are you really judging anybody else's track?

Yeah, okay.

Well,

I can't wait to hear more about this when we go see your residency in Las Vegas, Gretchen Rossi.

So Heather's like, now I need to hear this.

Oh, that's hilarious.

And Gretchen's like, no,

find it.

Find it right now.

No.

You must find it.

Do you want to sleep in a canopy bed tonight or not?

It's all.

When did Tamara go to a studio?

When she banged beep.

And so apparently Tamara fucked this producer of this music.

And Heather's like,

personally, I do not know this singer.

Is it

Barry Manilow?

If it's not Drake, unfortunately, I'm just not up on who it could possibly be.

Sorry.

I am looking close to property next door to the weekend.

Is that who you're talking about?

No,

I don't know then.

Is it the kid Leroy?

It's like, no.

So Emily is like, she's like, well, I'm Gen X.

So of course I know who it is.

So that's like the

ball.

Like, who is it?

I know.

Is it the lead singer of Candlebox?

Maybe it's

Silver Chair.

Yeah, Silver Chair.

The lead singer of Silver Chair.

He's Sean, Sean, Sean, Ngawai.

Then in Australia.

Sean.

Nilbin.

So curious.

Wait,

I'm curious.

Who do you think it might be?

Who do you think, Tamra?

What Gen X famous singer might Tamra have banged?

I don't know, but wouldn't it be a producer?

So I guess they're saying she was banging a singer, went to the studio to see this singer, and then recorded something in the studio.

I mean, I don't know.

I can't.

I'm going to say.

I have no guesses.

I don't know anybody, really.

Amy Grant.

I mean,

It was a lesbian moment with Amy Grant.

I'm going to say one of the Nelsons.

One of the Nelson brothers.

But weren't they?

Oh, okay.

Would that make sense?

Weren't the Nelson brothers before our time?

Well, they were like, their song was like 1990.

That's like, that's, that's right in the heart of Jenny.

Oh, you mean, you mean Nelson?

Yo, not like Willie Nelson.

I mean, like, Nelson, like, I can't live without your love and affection.

You mean like,

no, that's Hansen.

That's Hanson.

Oh my god, if it was Hanson, that would be mortifying.

Yeah, I had sex with some 16-year-olds.

It's like, okay, that's that's, I guess I would have been really young then, so that's awkward.

Okay, so who's Nelson?

Nelson, they, the two brothers, the long blonde hair, and their dad was

a famous singer.

They're both Nepo babies.

And like, they're like, it's connected to that whole like Carney Wilson mamas and papas world or whatever.

But Nelson, um, they,

they have, they had like a

moment in like 1990, 1991, and they had a song that says, I can't live without your love and affection.

I can't live another day on my own.

No, no, no, no.

I can't live without your.

It's actually an amazing song.

And they have

surprised they didn't last, honestly.

Well, the last I heard of them was when I went to Disney World in 2010 and I went to Epcot and I was drinking around the world.

And when I got to the America part of drinking around the world there, I had a Bud Light with my friend Michelle and they have a little stage.

We went to stage and Nelson took the stage and they had cut off their hair.

Their hair was short and

they were singing all their dad's songs.

And then at the end they said, okay, and now this is a song that I think you guys may have heard of.

And it was like, I can't live without your love and affection.

I can't live another day on my own.

People laugh.

They're like, I'm not going to sit here and listen to this short-haired bullshit.

I'm out of here.

Honestly, when they had that long hair, it was really fun.

You should look up a picture of them.

They were like Targaryens.

They're like two singing Targaryens.

I've got them in my head.

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So, Gretchen,

Tamara,

Ricky Nelson.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, that makes sense.

He was a big,

someone's going to be like, It was Ricky Nelson.

Ricky Nelson was your father.

Ricky Nelson is their father.

So, yeah, Tamara fucked somebody, probably Nelson.

And Heather's like,

okay, I'm sorry.

I don't want to belabor this point.

If you knew who Nelson was, I think you would really co-sign.

Like, it would make total sense if Tamara tried to fuck one of the Nelson brothers.

Like, it just, if you knew what the Nelson brothers looked like, you'd be like, okay, I'm looking at them right now.

Okay, here's what came up: Nelson Mandela,

Willie Nelson, that's That's not, yeah.

Lord Nelson, and Nelson.

Here they are.

They both look like

Gretchen.

They both actually look like Kristen Takeman.

Here,

I'll put it up on the screen so people can see who are watching on demand.

Because

this is Gretchen.

I have a Nelson one as well.

Let's see what.

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Right.

It's actually like Lori Waring and Vicki.

It's actually very close to Lori Waring and and Vicki.

Yeah.

And I'm not even joking.

Like the one on the left is Vicki.

The one on the right is Lori Waring.

This is like, you know, this is.

Do you think they've made out?

I think they've made out.

Yeah.

There.

I said it.

No, with each other.

Okay.

So let's remove this

now short-haired bullshit from my screen.

Okay.

Once they cut their hair, they lost a lot of appeal, right?

Yeah, it's biblical.

It's what happened to Samson.

He was very strong.

He was like the strongest man in the world.

And then his girlfriend,

Delilah, cut his hair.

And then he couldn't fight anybody.

And I think he got killed.

Did he get killed?

Probably, because that's what happened to people with long hair who cut their hair.

You know what?

I stand by Delilah.

She's like, you know what?

If you can't fight with short hair, then you could never fight in the first place.

Let's get this together.

Delilah for the win.

So Heather is like, was Tamara married when she had sex with Nelson?

And Gretchen's like,

she just shrugs.

She says, oh, that would be bad.

Oh, God, this is ancient history.

Who cares?

Who cares if Tamara cheated on her guy?

Except that Tamra's a total hypocrite, of course, and was coming for Gretchen that whole time for cheating.

So yeah, I guess it would matter.

13 years ago.

But he also, and by the way, and note, note how willing and able

and unbothered Gretchen is by casually just dropping an allegation against Tamara.

Now, I'm not offended by the allegation.

I'm just saying that when they raked Katie over their coals and Gretchen's saying, I would never say that.

I never said that.

And then here she is just happily just throwing out an allegation that could be harmful to Tamra.

And please don't, this is not a Tamra defense.

This is more of a like, hey, Gretchen moment for me.

Just notice, everyone.

Just notice.

That would have been during the Simon years, right?

It doesn't matter.

There never was a break in between Simon and Eddie, which is

true.

So it was one of them.

Well, okay.

So

now they go back to Heather's penthouse and Heather's like, oh, Alfredo Nate is here.

Hello.

Hello, Butler.

And he's like, hey.

And

Emily's like, hey, Nate, did you ever work at the Abbey?

He's like,

no, I have not worked it.

Would you do it?

You should do do it, Nate.

Took it off, Nate.

Hey, Nate, I've got a gummy worm in my purse.

Ah, ah.

Nate's like, I did audition to be in Downton Abbey, the final chapter, but that didn't work out for me.

That's why I'm still dressed like this.

It is so special that you guys are sleeping over.

So I wanted to make it cute.

The theme is Tent City.

Let's go in.

I just wanted to have a nice, cozy sleepover that involves a full spread, a buffet, a butler who stares at us, and canopy beds that are actually just doubles that are way too small for any of us.

All right, let's enjoy.

You might notice that I put mosquito netting over the bed.

I did this so your pore doesn't leak onto me during the night.

Hope nobody minds.

Okay, jump in.

Isn't this fun?

We're girls with beds with lights on them.

Only Heather would say, come over for a fun girl's night sleepover and then arrange the room like an orphanage

with mosquito netting.

It's a hard knock life for you.

It's a hard knock life.

Get out of my house.

Get out of my house.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm cleaning this place down tomorrow with disinfectant.

Get out of my house.

Oh, so they jump on the beds and like, oh my God, this is so great.

And Emily tells us, Annabelle had a sleepover for her 12th birthday.

And they laid on the couch and watched a movie named Popcorn.

But I go to Heather's house and I have a custom bed and twinkle lights and candy and a butler.

Oh, I feel like a shitty mom.

Well, one thing doesn't have to do with another.

But

yeah, you're not a shitty mom because you didn't.

You're not.

One thing I will say, to Emily's credit, sounds like she actually put on the better sleepover of the two, if you ask me.

Yeah, because Heather ain't serving carbs at hers, that's for sure.

Well, she does have candy, which i guess are carbs but she has all the fat free candy you know she's like only

only gummy type things there will be no chocolate

i oh i brought my favorite candy because it's what i it's how i describe the cash in my savings good and plenty good and plenty

cost of heather's sleepover 15 000 okay you're just

there are people that are starving ma'am okay you You did not need to put mosquito netting with lights over Gretchen for Christ's sake.

Yeah.

Get a few air mattresses and put them down.

Let them sleep in your sexy time penthouse.

Yeah.

Just,

yeah.

You're wealthy enough that you should have a big enough sofa that you guys should have all been able to sleep like everyone else has to sleep over, which is like a few kids on the floor and one kid on the sofa.

Like, that's how it goes.

She should have had like servants come out and hold them to sleep.

You know what I mean?

Just like be human beds.

Just they all have to stand there all night with their arms kind of out.

Like, just

servants just get on their hands and knees.

They line up next to each other.

And they like, then someone just sleeps across.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Could you move your spine over a little bit, Alfredo?

Okay, perfect.

Perfect.

Thank you.

So, um, they all have monogrammed pajamas, etc.

They love it.

So, in Temecula, it's it's time for swimsuit, swim, swimsuit shirts.

They've got t-shirts.

Yes.

They've got wacky, wacky shower caps, wacky swim caps to wear with flowers on them.

And Jen comes into Shannon to check on her.

And Shannon's like, oh, I'm just so tired.

First of all, your cap is on backwards.

Come on.

Come on, Jen.

I'm drawing here with you, Jen.

Jenny's like, it is.

I'm so sorry.

How can you tell?

And it's like, well, it's, it's because

my mother wear, my grandmother used to wear these all the time.

And I'm not saying that I'm one to wear

a synchronized swimming turban all the time, but

I do wear these actually when the cameras aren't rolling.

Okay, turn it around.

Turn it around.

Right here, this is the Dubrow joint that I brought.

Okay, I brought a Dubro joint.

And this is like a vacation situation.

And Heather's marijuana is like the Vouve of marijuana.

Okay.

And like, you don't need to save, you need to save that for a special occasion.

It's like an emergency emergency joint, and we're busting it out.

Tell me you are banking on Heather's real estate contacts without telling me that you're banking on Heather's real estate contacts.

Oh my God, Heather DeBrux has the best weed in all of Southern California.

Okay.

You can sell your two-bedroom house to my

maid.

Enjoy.

This is my friend Gina.

She's the leader in the market of servants' quarters.

So if anybody needs something, Gina, you sold a 5,000 square foot maids home.

God, good for you.

She's so talented.

I bought her that jacket.

No, you didn't.

Shut up.

You won't get allowance.

So Tamara is like, Gina, did I do okay?

Did I do okay?

Gina's like, uh,

actually, honestly, I'm like proud of you.

Like, like, I feel like you did a good job of like taking ownership of stuff and like also communicating the way that you feel

when did tamara do any of that i didn't tamar was just doing the tamarind bullshit you know

tamara's like yeah well you know what i'm not a fucking walk in the park okay oh really i would never have thought so

yeah um

so now gina's like you know i do think tamara wants to change but like she's been in therapy for like 10 minutes and like you gotta give people space for ghouls okay

that's how just that's just how my accent is today space for ghouls i don't know why i'm talking like that but i am spings for ghoul what what is she pronouncing her words like that does she even have an accent because she's starting to remind me of brittany from like the valley vanderpump rules who came home with little lilt and now is all of a sudden like i went to the star war

like what where is this coming from you guys stop playing i know so then jen's checking in on Shannon and she's like, are you okay after dinner?

No, I'm just wondering.

And Shan's like, oh, well, you know, it's just a little exhausting.

I mean, it was a lot of shaking of that twig, so my arm is just a little tired right now.

Jen's like, well, you know, you know what Gina told me?

Gina just said, I don't care.

I'm sorry.

Gina just said, I care about Tamara.

I've known her a long time, but I don't get into my deep, dark secrets with Tamara.

Because that's what you do with your best friends.

You hold them at arm's length and don't share anything with them.

And then you announce how close you are with them.

That's just what she does.

Like, wow, it sounds like you're chosen a really great friend if you can't even say anything to them without fear that they're going to regurgitate it and use it against you.

Yeah.

So Jen's like, yeah, her cycle's never going to stop.

That's just who she is.

But let's have some fun.

Spoiler alert, they don't ever.

This is miserable.

This trip is miserable.

Shannon's miserable.

Shannon really is the big downer on this trip.

Like whatever she thinks about Tamra, she's still being extremely tiring on television.

It's like, come on, perk up, perk up.

So now they decide to go have fun.

And then back at

Pether's penthouse, Heather's penthouse,

Gretchen and Emily are now in Heather's room, I guess, trying on her clothes and throwing her Fendi boxes around and

putting on fur coats.

I didn't know what was going on in this situation.

This was definitely like the movie that did come out like in 1991 where like the poor children get like brought into like the rich family and then they start like raiding the evil stepmom's closet and like putting on coats and like oversized hats and heels and it's silly.

And then she comes in and yells at them and they hatch a plan to like throw eggs at her and make her life torture.

You know, that it just

sounds really good, actually.

What's that movie?

It's

it's called the Gretchen Trap.

I'm really into orphan movies.

And when I was a kid, my dream was that I was adopted and my real parents were out there somewhere.

And I love that movie, Annie.

And I lived on the second, my bedroom was on the second story.

And so I used to open my window and I used to sit on the windowsill and just sing out to the street, maybe

far away.

I would sing songs from Annie like I was an orphan to the whole street.

I was like 10.

The orphan genre.

Just love it.

Wasn't, Wasn't there that movie, The Journey of Natty Gan?

I remember, wasn't it like a girl who was like orphaned, who was just trying to find something?

Was that the girl who ran away and like put all of her stuff in a bindle and then met like the

gangsters on the train tracks or whatever?

Was that what that was?

I think so.

Something like that.

No, that was seeking Savannah or searching for Savannah or something like that.

Oh, God, those were so good.

And my mom was like, get in your room or you're going to be grounded.

And I was like, like, no, I'm adopted.

I'm going to find my real parents.

And she's like, Ronnie, look at your toes.

You've got webbed feet.

You're ours.

Because the Lebanese side,

we all have webbed toes.

And she's like, just look at your feet.

Your dream is dead.

I hate to break it to you, but your parents are alive.

Now, like, get in the car.

We're going to the restaurant to make a scene.

Get in the car.

We're going to Hoffy Laz so I can be served last.

If that were an orphan,

I gotta have a dream.

Okay, so we're back at the penthouse, and they're doing like pillow fights and stuff.

And Gretchen's just wasted, rolling around in Heather's furs.

I'm saying, I need this coat in my life.

I feel like I'm fabulous.

Oh my gosh, this is what it would be like to be a billionaire.

And then Ben Mandelker walks in the room.

I'm sorry, I met Heather de Brux with a look of disgust on her face.

And she's like, what?

Gretschers?

What is wrong with you?

Note how I used Gretschers, which shows that I am fun and relatable because I use your nickname, which doesn't even make sense.

Oh, everything is fine, Heather.

Everything is fine.

And Heather is like,

I don't know if you realize this, but I sanction off a small part of my apartment apartment to have silly fun times, and this is not in the silly fun time zone.

I do have to insist that we leave here and resume all pillow fighting in the living room/slash orphanage.

Thank you for that.

Alfredo is leading out the other Alfredo in handcuffs.

He's like, what did I do?

This is what you get for letting them pass the rope.

You have one job.

One job.

Actually, two jobs, if you include bringing Silverware to Nobel.

Well, I guess we're not making the human bed tonight.

We're down in Alfredo.

All right, everybody.

Let's come back to the lighthearted room.

I feel like I got in trouble with mom.

You did, actually.

You feel that way because you did.

It's fine.

The pillows are fine.

Everything is going to be fine.

Oh, good.

We are back in the zone of fun.

Hey, does anybody want pizza?

Pizza, it's a round dough thing with cheese and tomato sauce.

I once used a slice of it to show I was relatable in New York when I dropped some of it on my knee.

It was hilarious.

Look, I found a whole box of it in my kitchen.

Come have some.

Would anybody like to have the most light-hearted meal on the planet?

Pissa.

Let's do it.

How fun is this?

Wow.

So Emily is like, oh, I need a valium.

Hey, Nate, do you ever work at the Abbey?

I'm just going to ask you one more time just to remind you.

He's like, I have not.

So they eat.

And

now the grilling begins.

Emily's like, so let's, Heather goes, let's talk shit about people.

Okay, Gretchen, I'm still intrigued by this.

By this song of Tambras, was it a pop song?

She's like, I don't freaking remember.

What the heck am I supposed to know about it?

I don't know nothing.

You can't do nothing to me.

Gretchen's all wasted.

She's like, what are you talking about?

I need some pizza.

You better call 911 and give me some pizza.

Why do you have her singing, first and foremost?

Oh, because somebody sent it to Slade.

So you just kept it?

Well, I mean, Heather, yes, of course you keep something like that.

What are you going to delete it?

Come on.

Of course you keep it.

Of course you keep it as Tamara singing, singing a Nelson song.

I can't get without you.

Love it.

That's action, do me.

Do me right now.

Let's laugh.

Love, yeah, baby.

She was really ahead of her time if she was singing that in 1991.

Oh, yeah.

And Gretchen's like, because someone sent it to Slade, that's why.

So you kept it.

No, they sent it to him and he just had it.

Wait a minute.

Why does Slade have it?

Does he have an archive?

Ask him for the song.

I just want to hear the song.

Oh, you guys are going to get me in trouble.

I want to hear it too.

Come on, let's jam to it gretchers

go get your phone grudgers i'm like pulling off my skin on the other side of the tv i'm like please stop saying gratchers

it's so funny gretschers it's just like one millimeter away from just being gretchen just

down a little bit so emily's like i want to hear it So Gretchen says, yeah, this is not good.

This could be like really bad.

Oh my God.

I know.

I don't want to show it.

They want to show it, you guys.

And then World War IX is about to happen, guys.

World War II.

I honestly believe that Gretchen does not know how many World Wars there have been.

World War IX is about to happen.

So back into next slide.

Shanna's like, look, I can stamp the crackers and synchronize screaming.

Like, oh, my God, Shanna said scrimming.

Oh.

What is, oh, she's putting together a snack tray, I see.

Yeah, she meant to say swimming.

And she sort of lays out the, she lays out the crackers with a flourish because it's like seeming to synchronize swimming.

And Tamara's like, we should take a picture.

And Jen tells us, okay, see, this is the stuff I love.

This is a girl's trip.

You know, putting crackers on a tray.

That's what we live for, those moments.

And Tamara's got fun, you know, ups, you know, ups for episodes, stuff for us, stuff for us to go swimming in.

And when I get back, I'm going to think about what our friend was like before all this.

And, you know, Tamara and I had fun.

And Tamara's a good time, you know?

and tamara is they're like taking photos and then gina does this whole bit about how shannon's like the madam of the synchronized swim team and they do like this whole bit of like shannon being a synchronized swimmer and it's like silliness into mecula yeah they're they're having a crazy time

congratulations you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap for part two Go look for the recap that says part two.

See you over there, suckers.

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