#3038 RHOSLC S605 Part One: Soup-er Troopers

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Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crap Ins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today is the one, the only, the resilient,

the man who I hope would never return any toy horses I would ever give him.

It's Ronnie Carom.

Hi, Ronnie.

Hi.

Throw some toy horses across the damn room.

Just want to say

that you're great today.

Your facelift looks great today.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Can you show me where the threads are?

Because I'm just, I'm just, I love the work that's been done.

I don't have a facelift, but I have 16 threads holding up my face.

So welcome.

We're talking Salt Lake City today.

We're talking a crazy bottle episode, aka an episode that takes place in basically one location.

Before we get into that, please come join us on Patreon.

We have so much more there.

We do a weekly bonus episode.

We did the Southern Charm trailer trash.

We broke down that entire, we spent an hour on that trailer.

We really go, we go deep on our trailer trashes.

So that's this week.

We also have a video component with Krappins on Demand where you can watch us, not just listen.

And we have an amazing Discord community and so much more.

So come get the full Krappens experience by joining us on Patreon.

And

what else?

I think that's it in terms of, and then thank you to everyone who came and saw us on Amazon Live this week.

Next week, we have Krappens,

Crappy Hour.

I'm like, Krappens on demand.

Crappy Hour is on Monday.

So yeah, we always appreciate when people show up for our fun Monday activities.

So today is Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

Before we get into that, though, I do have to like issue an apology because I was being, guess what, guys?

I know this is shocking.

I was being a dumbass.

So, on

Monday, when we were recapping Real House as a Potomac, we were talking about Tia, who we both love,

and I said that I'd love an uppity housewife.

And I did not realize when I said that that there's actually a huge amount of history with using the word uppity when referring to black women.

And I really committed a pretty big microaggression.

I didn't realize this.

I really thought I was sort of referencing a head the Dubrow type, but it doesn't, that's no excuse for anything.

And I really have to credit and thank our audience who flagged it for me.

And it was, everyone was like, hey, Ben, we know you probably didn't mean it, but just so you know, you kind of, you know, this is, this rubbed a bunch of us the wrong way.

So I really apologize for that.

Like, that's not ever my intention.

We're not trying to make people in the middle of listening to podcasts, like, you know, be like, ooh,

wow, that's a bummer.

Why did you say that?

And everything.

We also just don't want to say it at all.

So I always have to say, like, we're here to try to make you smile, not

exactly.

We're trying to hear make you smile and not like take you, remind you of like awful people and awful things in your life.

So,

you know, I appreciate the audience's patience.

with me for both of us as we continue to always learn.

It's amazing.

What they always say, you don't know what you don't know.

And I would have thought that I would have known, but that's the truth is you, you, there's, you're just always learning.

You're always learning.

You're always doing the work.

So

really, thank you to everyone who flagged that for me.

And now I know, won't do it again.

And sorry to everyone who that was a very halting experience for when they were listening to the podcast.

And we love you, Tia.

As well.

We love you, Tia.

Best casting of the year so far.

Best casting of the year so far.

It's always bad.

It's, you know, it's always bad news when you have to say, oh, I meant it in, I meant it in a Heather de Breaux way.

That's never, you're never going to be in good place.

I meant that in an innocent way.

It was actually a praise.

It was a moment of praise.

But, but yeah, I am really grateful.

This, you know, listen, unfortunately, this is not the first time I've stuck my foot in my mouth big time.

It won't unfortunately be the last time, but I really, what's so cool about our audience is they're always like, hey, just so you know, and you know what, we can take notes in life.

That can happen.

It's all right.

Yeah, that's for sure.

If we couldn't, we would have been out of here a long time ago.

Yeah, exactly.

We're still trying to get it.

Don't go too far back in those archives now.

I know.

Trust me, there's really moments that I've considered just hitting the delete button on everything.

You know how like younger people now, my nieces do that.

Well, I don't think they do it anymore, but for a while they were like, uncle, no one keeps anything up on their socials.

You have to have it expire in a week.

And so they would put stuff up.

And then, like, if you look at, you know, some younger people for a while, you would just see two pictures on their Instagram or whatever,

because they're like, I'm deleting that shit.

You're not canceling me for something I thought about two weeks ago.

I thought about that.

I was like, we should do that to some of our archives.

But yeah, you know, some of, you know, a lot of a lot of it is just, you know, listening and changing event.

Yeah, it's like not, it's not a hard thing to do when people say, hey, just so you know,

the the the comment that you was just like a casual that word that was just a casual word for you you don't realize how loaded it is for for marginalized certain marginalized communities you know and like it's really not a it's not a big deal to say oh my bad won't do that again and now i know and so you know words are cheap

but listening is free okay

honestly that's true

so uh

so here we are with so now let's move now let's pivot into total chaos, which is this episode of Salt Lake City.

I like the momentum.

Now let's move on to the moment.

Let's have a moment about apologizing and how easy it is and then go to a show that it's not easy at all.

No one seems to understand how to do it.

It's absolutely impossible to do it.

Here's another case study.

This was so

this reminded me of last year when there was an entire episode that took place at Meredith's Bot Mitzvah.

And it was, to me, one of the great Salt Lake City episodes.

I thought it was just like a perfect episode with so much going on and so much hilarity.

And I kind of felt like this, this one was sort of kind of trying to do the same thing.

You know, whenever we all know as Bravo fans, that when an episode opens up at the event, people arriving at the event, we're not even seeing any stupid home scene of like Whitney using a soda stream, then it's going to be a wild episode.

But that being said, I actually felt like this brought me back to the soda stream.

The soda stream.

I felt like this.

I could have, it could have been rained in a little bit.

Like, after a while, I was just like in this Angie and Lisa screaming at each other.

I loved it non-stop.

Rained nothing in.

It was a complete classic from start to finish.

I fucking love it.

And I don't know that they were really trying to do the whole thing from Meredith's button at the foot, but I think the reason they do it is because there's nowhere to shoot in this town.

You know, they're always shooting on the side of the road or in a parking lot.

And I think once they find a location, that's like, just take it for the day.

They're like, let's do everything right here.

Just bring the psychic in here we'll do all the psychic scenes here in the scene let's just keep it here you know it could be a gas station they do a whole a whole thing at a gas station and it would be amazing well what we don't need okay i'm sure we agree with on this what we don't need is Whitney singing an opening and a closing number to frame this episode.

That

I did not love.

I mean, and I like that they gave her something that they thought that she would know because any idiot knows.

Old town ladies, what is it?

Camptown ladies sing their song it's not what she was singing something like that i don't know what she was saying

it was like some easy folky song that you sing in kindergarten and whitney still couldn't get it they just said why are you giving whitney the thing to memorize whitney's not the wine but that made it so much more perfect too Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm like a, maybe I'm like a

a purist or a or a curmudgeon, but I kind of love a previously on and just give me a montage.

I don't know why.

I kind of like love that ramp up to get into the episode.

And when they do the previouslies sort of framed in a, in this case, a song or in other cases, a vignette where like Gina goes and meets with Jen Pedrante at some like 7-Eleven and they're like, last night was crazy.

You want that?

Like, I kind of just want a nice, clean, full previously on.

Am I crazy?

No, but they, you know, they're trying to get creative over there they're like we've been doing this 97 years let's get creative by the way did you see the desperate housewives cover that these i did ladies all did it's great was that for vanity fair i'm assuming it was for us weekly so they copied vanity fair whatever oh yeah that's cute yeah they they copied this like classic desperate housewives cover um and they had the five ogs because at first i was like wow i can't believe they didn't include angie or bronwin but then i realized this these were the five women that started the show uh i guess they they should have had like a little picture of jen shaw in the corner

in her prison car i mean there there was there was crime in the first season of desperate housewives that was the hook you know jen shaw could be the narration yeah or she could be nickel

and i think it's so funny that that's become britney's tagline what about me because um that was jen shaw's kind of thing to say on this show for a long time and britney came out with a one-woman show she's going to be performing at 54 below i think somewhere in new york some cabaret venue.

And it's called, What About Me?

But what about me?

Which I think is fun.

Yeah.

Well, also, she did a what about me because she basically commented on the photo on Instagram and was like, oh my God, you guys all look so wonderful.

It looks like a fun day, which was her way of saying to us weekly, what about me?

Why can't I be in the photo shoot?

Yeah.

I didn't take a, I thought I took a screenshot of it.

Maybe I thought, maybe I, before I took a screenshot of it, I thought, Ronnie, do you need even more gay shit shit on your phone?

Like in your camera roll, like more, more screenshots of like, look, it's a housewives covering us weekly.

But I thought I took it, but I think there were other pictures that did include some of the other ladies because I think Bronwyn is in one wearing a yellow bathing suit.

And then I saw Andy in one wearing a, you know, wearing a tub of Suziki.

So I thought that was really cute.

Satzikini.

That's her bathing suit.

Tsatzikini.

Yeah, she was in it as well.

But like on the cover, it was the OGs.

It's great.

I love how much people of the show.

And please don't mistake me saying I felt like the arguing got a little old as saying I didn't enjoy this episode.

I mean, I was laughing out loud.

I mean, it was hilarious.

But like, you know, sometimes like, you know, a little bit of Lisa Barlow yelling sometimes can go a long way for me.

I love, I love Lisa on the show.

I love, I love her as our villain.

I love her as this person who has a slippery sort of relationship with the truth, it seems like.

But yeah, that's, it was a lot for me at a certain point.

Maybe I was just tired.

What can I say?

What can I say?

You know what?

You don't need to apologize.

You don't need it.

But here's what I love.

Any episode that opens with a Chiron that says, Whitney's telepathic tasting.

I know.

That was great.

It's almost like they need telepaths now.

Because I don't want to taste that Simon lookalike, whoever they got to do this.

That looks like Simon Van Kempen.

Yeah, it it really does.

I think they almost were like, we have to do a bottle episode, if it's called her telepathic lunch, just

to shock the audience right at the beginning.

Like we've arrived at a telepathic lunch and we don't even understand what it is.

A telepathic tasting.

America's going to be like, what?

And yes, we're like, what?

Telepathic tasting.

So here we are.

It's like a pretty outdoor party and there's ducks walking around and heather comes in and sees whitney and she's like oh my god you look like a fairy princess you me women together having lunch against all odds

this is what we do we come together we meet for lunch and we leave as sisters because when we are part of this group circle finger and around around and around and around, that means that we are bound for life.

And of course, Mary comes in and just shits all over it right at the very start.

She's like,

I don't know why Whitney would choose to have an event at this place.

I mean, this is about Juju.

The former owner killed his wife and himself.

Yeah.

And a couple of ducks.

There was a horse murder outside.

He killed her with a horse,

swung a horse at her and killed her.

Terrible.

Terrible.

Then set it on fire.

They've rebuilt it.

Soaked all of the staph in acid.

Everybody died.

Everybody died.

What the hell with this?

The only person who survived was Molly Sorensen.

Fun fact.

He killed his wife for being slurry.

So,

yeah, she's like, why are we here again?

And this place is trying so hard to get over its reputation.

I mean,

the decoration is flowers.

It's like flowers all over the walls, flowers on the floor.

I mean, it's very gorgeously done.

And now it looks like a horror house, you know, a horror, a house of horrors, I should say.

It's like a little Ursat.

It's, it's, the flowers are, it's actually so many flowers that it's sort of gone into like weird into gaudiness, which, you know, a lot of wineries do.

And I have to imagine a Utah winery is definitely going to do this.

But then Angie is just like, she makes it so dark because flowers, and obviously you know this, this is like very easy

trivia, but

you take flowers to funerals because back in the day, they didn't embalm you and stuff.

You just sat there dead until you were buried.

And so, you know, you got really stinky.

So they would bring flowers to make the funeral smell okay.

That's where flowers at the funeral come from.

So they come in here and it's all flower themed.

And it's like, oh, yeah, this is where murder-suicide took place.

It's just a dark.

It's just so dark, Ben.

So what's the deal with flowers at a wedding then?

Well, it probably came from

people just smelled.

So you have to smell your mother-in-law or whatever, I guess.

So Angie shows up and she's got a tub and she hides it under a table.

So we know she's got a stunt coming up later.

And then Bronwyn shows up and she's in this big flowery kind of dress thing, which looks very Bronwyn-y.

But then Meredith comes in and

maybe

I didn't like this.

I don't know if this is considered very fashion for it, but it was this crazy like like denim outfit with denim flower petals or flower buds all over it.

It was so crazy.

This was one of Meredith's craziest looks of all time.

I liked Mary's comment.

She's like, what, what is, what is that?

That looks like a walking virus.

And it did.

And then they put up a picture of it next to COVID.

Yeah.

It was certifiably crazy.

I was like staring at it the whole time.

I was like, because it also had these boots.

It was boots.

It was like it was a whole thing.

It was a whole crazy thing.

I was like, Meredith is going for something right now, but I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

She had like a blister, but you know, I liked it.

And Meredith can pull it off.

So Lisa comes in and she's like, I want to support Whitney, but Angie's just been so nasty coming after my kids, talking about my kids' brand.

Like, who talks about their kids' brand?

That's terrible.

We should leave kids' brands alone.

You know, Trevor Project, TM, leave kids' brands alone.

Like, it's completely fucked up.

Like, I'm done taking the high road.

How are you taking the high road?

You just sent an assistant to her the salon and called it dusty

yeah also she arrives with like this giant like uh manila envelope and and she also has like a little box thing and so it looks like she's about to she's gonna come to this this taste thing and reveal something major and big like there's gonna be something she's pulling out that envelope and spoiler alert unless i missed it she pulls nothing out that envelope right she just has it and then it goes away yeah she's got evidence but we never

get

she she she has broken the rule of chekhov's gun checkov's manila envelope which is that if it's there it's gonna get opened not necessarily with lisa barlow she's just gonna have it check house to manila it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial

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Did you, uh, did you see the little spat that Angie got into on Twitter with Wendy's?

No,

what happened?

Wow, Angie,

going after the big guys.

It's been a good week for articles on this show, for like extracurriculars on this show.

Wendy has tweeted after the last episode, wow, I guess we're not going to be going to

Angie K's salon anytime soon.

And she said, at Wendy's, just like I keep your fries out of my mouth, keep my franchise out of yours.

Oh,

that's pretty good, actually.

She's really sweet.

She does look real good.

Yeah, and also, Wendy, is I don't know what you're fighting with anybody since you changed your fries 15 years ago.

They've never been the same.

Yeah, I've missed my sandy waiting.

Square burgers.

Enjoy your burgers that don't fit on a bun.

Yeah, enjoy your burgers that if you line them up, there's no space in between them because they all touch.

Yeah, enjoy that squary, squary burger face.

Square burger faces.

So

heather squeals when she sees lisa walk up because she's still pretending that she is not dreaming every day of lisa's demise and uh meredith is like well i haven't seen lisa since i spoke with angie so that should be very very interesting

we see a flashback of angie telling meredith that lisa um

want encouraged angie to dig up dirt on meredith so meredith says lisa and i are in a really good place and we've worked really hard to get this space.

And while it was in the past when we were in a different space, I'm still not, not

acceptable.

So she did do it.

And that's a really big problem.

So everyone sits down around the table and it seems like everything's going to be fine.

And Whitney has a speech to give, which she reads off of her phone.

Does, okay.

Does everyone have a drink?

Okay.

We're going to do a little toast.

Are the toasters ready?

Wait, what?

Not that kind of toast?

Oh, sorry.

Okay, it's a drink toast.

Um, I really appreciate you all coming.

The other day, I was going through old photos and videos, and I started reminiscing about photos and videos.

Um,

can I go from the beginning again?

I got lost.

I'm sorry, I said it wrong.

I went through photos and videos, and then I started Remskinisking.

And then I started

Rumiskiing.

I remember being lighthearted and fun, and it really got me emotional.

I used to be fun, really free-spirited, getting tattoos and drinking and piercings.

And then that led to Justin losing his job at the MLM company, the predatory

MLM company.

And that hit me at such a deep level that I felt like I had to change.

So to conform, I took down the poll.

But now I want to get back to being the fun free-spirited Britney Whitney anyway, because I lost everything anyway, even when I was being good.

So now I'm going to drink and get tattoos and rum skin it

ramskin.

Cheers, everybody.

Cheers.

Hey, everyone.

I want to go back to what's meaningful to me, which is

chocolate syrup and canvas.

And I want to start here and having wine with friends and with gorgeous scenery, like this nice wet landscape, because it might rain in a little bit that we call home.

That was the toast.

Oh, wait.

One more thing.

I was gonna say I was um I was gonna save it for later, but I'm gonna tell you now.

I have a surprise for everyone.

I flew in a special guest all the way from New York and Then they said I don't want to be on your TV show so then I found this guy down the street and he he's a spiritual intuitive and his name is Terrence So you can talk to Terrence and stuff.

Yeah, what's a spiritual intuitive?

I've never heard that term before.

Have you?

I've heard of intuitive or a spiritual guide or something like that, but I've never heard spiritual and intuitive put together.

I didn't know that was a thing.

I'm spiritually intuitive.

Spiritual intuitive.

Does that mean you're an intuitive, you're intuitive about spirits or you are intuitive about things in general, but you're also spiritual?

Like phony ass trying to make take a corner on a market that doesn't exist.

You know, the create your own market, Terrence.

You go, boy.

I mean, what else do I do?

The market's going to tank today.

I'm very intuitive about it, but also I'd like to do a sound bath afterwards.

I'm screwing.

So we see flashback one week ago, Whitney on the phone with Terrence.

She's like, hi, Terrence.

I just want, it's me, Whitney, from Instagram.

Terrence, I used to be free-spirited and loving.

I love tattoos and drinking and piercings.

He's like, I charge by the minute.

Okay, could you come to Salt Lake Skitty to reminisce with me and my friends?

It's like, oh, it's fine.

Will you pay my skills?

Sure.

this guy you know this guy reminds me of he reminds me of art smith uh oprah's chef

the guy who oh yeah yeah he does have that vibe of art smith yeah yeah who would terrorize cooking shows in like the 2010s hi everyone i want to talk to you about southern cooking it's great and i lost 25 pounds now let's get to it i'm like oh my god this guy again cauliflower without butter what a horror show you might think well let me show you the way it's called a steamer And I like when they would introduce him, they'd be like, look, it's art.

He's cooked for Oprah.

It's like, everybody's cooked for Oprah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's an eater.

It's like saying, I cooked for Ronnie.

Like, literally everyone is cooked for me.

I will eat at any restaurant.

Oprah loves food.

We could all cook for Oprah.

And also, I read a lot of those cookbooks that came out when Oprah was doing her whole weight loss thing, which I guess has been forever.

But I've read all of them.

I've been on the the Weight Watchers.

I've done every Oprah diet.

And let me tell you, that food is not good.

I'm telling you right now, it's not good.

I had that health food guy.

What was his name?

Bob?

No, Bob was a trainer.

Who's a health food guy that she had?

And she was, I bought those cookbooks.

That food is shit.

Okay.

You guys can be thin and eat great food as well.

No, you can't.

No, you can't.

Okay.

Unless you just learn to like to eat fingernails.

That's what I'm doing this month, I have to say.

Yay.

No cards.

I've since accepted that, and that's how you lose weight.

Everybody knows that you starve.

That's how you lose weight.

Okay.

Everybody, send me $10.

Okay.

Think of all the money I just sent you, just saved you over your lifetime.

Just send me $10.

The secret to losing weight is starvation.

That's, yeah, I am, I'm doing my

trying to like just, you know, tighten up for BravoCon thing in October, and it's torture.

I hate it.

I'm miserable.

I don't understand the thought process of tightening up for BravoCon.

I mean, Bravocon is for a bunch of fucking couch potatoes who don't want to do anything but watch TV.

I'm not losing a damn pound for anybody at BravoCon.

I'm not, I'm going to come with a remote control and Cheeto stains all over my

shirt.

I just feel like

I want to take a lot of photos and I just want to just look a little, just a little tighter in the photos.

This is okay.

This is basically a wedding for me.

Okay.

You know, like brides are like,

I'm not going to eat anything for the six months leading up to my wedding.

I'm like, here's a wedding.

This is my wedding right now.

Not me.

I want to look like Tyne Dali and Gypsy.

That's who I want to look like in all the pictures.

I think this is the last time I'm doing a low carb diet.

I think I'm going to sunset this experience

for my life because

those are over low carb diets, right?

Aren't they done?

Well, I don't know.

I don't know if anything's ever really done, but there's still, there's, listen, I am enjoying my little Atkins snacks I get at the supermarket, you know, when I first started eating them, I was, I got like a chocolate almond caramel cluster.

And I was like, this has literally no flavor.

I feel the texture of caramel, but there's no flavor in this thing.

This is just some weird thing that's to trick me into thinking I'm eating caramel and chocolate and there's no flavor.

And now when I eat it, I'm like, ooh, the technique.

All the layers of caramel and the deep chocolatey flavors.

Wow.

I feel like I'm on the French Riviera right now.

Yeah, that is how it is.

When you take all flavor out of your life and then you have it again, it's like, this is amazing.

Fingernails start to taste good, you know?

There's a hint of some sort of sweetness.

Yeah.

Okay, so here we go.

Terrence is coming.

And so Heather is, you know, Heather's doing her normal thing.

Heather's never heard of anything, guys, because she grew up Mormon.

That's like her thing.

So you could be like, hey, guys, I have a balloon tire.

People tie balloons.

That is crazy.

Tell me about it.

Don't they pop when you're trying, when you're trying to turn them around?

This is a miracle

and so she's doing that with this she's like a spiritual intuitive is he gonna read our palms like our feet what does he do

i but

i don't have a lot of experience with psychics and no one in this circle has a lot of experience with psychic psychics but i absolutely believe in people's ability to have these supernatural powers i mean maybe without a supernatural power i wouldn't be able to write a third book that will soon be a new york times Times bestseller.

Am I right?

People,

yeah.

And Bromwan's like, Oh, I love a psychic, a spiritual, intuitive, you know, really bohemian life coach.

Yeah, I went once to a woman who read animal tarot cards.

Tarot cards, tarot cards, tarot, tarot, tarot, tarot.

Here's what I know.

Um, they said that my animals have to poop, and they do.

They poop all the time all over my house.

So it was actually a very good reading.

I totally believe.

Huge believer.

Huge.

They did say that psychic did say um that i was very worthy and that there'd be a lot of worthiness in my in my future but it turns out i think she meant worthers because i had to give a lot of those to todd he really gets cranky when he doesn't have his morning worthers

oh yeah so uh that's the last time i'll get a reading in a gucci store but you know going forward i mean generally speaking i love an intuitive

and mary's like we call them soothsayers that's what our bible calls them and the devil can talk out of them i'm gonna pass i'm gonna pass on that

You're sitting at lunch with these people.

You're sitting at lunch with a Bravo cast and you're more afraid of the devil.

I mean, come on.

Well, also, who isn't the devil speaking through with his cast, right?

So

that was very religious of me.

Meredith,

they're going to do their pairing.

And Meredith is like, wow, I can't believe we're having Utah wine.

I mean, this is the craziest thing I heard of since my son, a toddler, was offered a fashion deal.

Just goes to show in 2025, anything can happen.

Bron was like, yeah, I didn't know Utah wine was a thing.

Oh, yeah, there's like three or four vineyards here.

There's one at Park City, too.

I've been invited to all of them.

Yeah, I'm like a special guest at all of the vineyards here.

I know all of the vineyards.

I know the vineyard family.

Yeah, I went to school with Bob Vineyard.

Very, very close friend of mine.

Yeah, he started actually Vineyard Bush,

but they actually like, it got folded into Vineyard Vines.

But like, yeah, I basically know like one of the owners of Vineyard Vines.

Yeah, he's like the original Vineyard person.

Yeah.

So Angela, this lady who shows up, she's basically like Mrs.

Wembley from DuckTales, arrives.

She's like, hello.

Well, today we have some

of our wine, our very special wine.

It's called Enchanted, or I'm sorry, Enchante.

Sorry, we are a winery.

So this is Enchante, and we're going to pair it with a wild smoked salmon waffle cone.

Please enjoy.

What?

What the fuck did you just say?

A smoked salmon waffle cone paired with ashante.

I love this town.

So Heather's like, wow, what do you do first?

And Whitney's like, well, you take a bite.

It sounds gross, but then when you have some food in your mouth, then you put wine in it.

I don't think that's how a wine pairing goes.

That's more like a wine emulsion.

What the fuck?

That's how I eat Oreos.

You put an Oreo in your mouth and then you put the milk in your mouth and then you crush the Oreo with the milk.

I mean, it's the only way to eat an Oreo.

It's the only real way.

Did I not just say I was on a low carb month, Ronnie?

Sorry, you're making me so Oreos.

You're making me so

I'm sitting here imagining an Oreo going into milk.

I'm like,

you go out on a diet makes me fatter, you know, because then you start talking about food and then I start talking about food.

You start obsessing about food and i start obsessing about food oh yeah well i have to say um i wasn't necessarily uh obsessing over this food i mean look i'm not i'm not gonna turn down a like a smoked salmon in a little coon like that's that's my jam but uh what i love is this like uh this this winery

you know having their their premier bottle called enchante it just feels so awesome enchante

hey y'all here's our wine enchante we can be just like those wineries in france why don't we call call it enchante

and we'll serve

as chante you hear

you would think that they would call the cone

whatever it's the french version of of a waffle cone is just to make it sound fancier but it's like here's some enchante and it's here's here's a waffle cone and afterwards we will be serving funnel cake that we will be pairing with our red

we have a cabernet coming out called lingerie we're running running out of French words, basically.

We don't think French in Utah.

This is a blend.

We call this a Depardieu.

And we are going to be pairing this

with just the horrified face of Andy McDowell, who has to marry him for a green card.

I was a big advocate for that movie.

I remember seeing it with my parents in the theater, and I was like, this movie was wonderful.

I was like, this movie should be the next Pretty Woman.

Why aren't people talking about this movie, like Pretty Woman.

People should be talking about this movie.

Like, I literally was like on a mission to make a green card a thing.

Really?

Early signs.

You were like the big green card stamp?

Loved it.

I only saw it once.

That's the funny thing.

I only saw that one time in the theater, but I was like, this movie, I mean, why don't people talk about this movie the way they talk about Pretty Woman, right?

Am I right, everyone?

That was like, I guess it probably would have been my like stand-up bit when I was like, you know, 12.

All right.

Well, just picture in your mind.

Just picture in your mind a scale of justice, and Richard Gere is standing on one of the scales and Gerard Depardieu is standing on the other scale.

There's your answer.

Okay.

I guess maybe if Gerard Depardieu had like a little monologue about how he doesn't do anything, then maybe it would have been more effective.

So Lisa's like, yeah, we're going down a culinary path here in Utah.

It's like really good.

So

Mary's like, so wait, how is the salmon prepared?

Is that tartare?

I will not eat tartare.

And Heather's like, it's good.

It's so good.

The pairing, I mean, it just, the wine brought it to life.

Come on.

And she's like, no, no, I'll do cheese, but I'm not eating raw salmon.

I don't need parasites.

She's like, it's smoked salmon.

It's smoked.

She goes, no, she said it was tartare.

And if I, if I, if I have tartare, then the salmon is going to go into my stomach and it's going to get in my belly and then it's just going to start developing a family.

Okay.

Little salmon babies.

And it's just going to like camp out.

It's just going to hang out in my belly.

It's never going come out

wow it sounds like uh aaron pfeipers pfeiffer's family and denise richards house just taking over um so mary's like i'll just eat one of the cheeses so angie says uh she's like you know what I want to live in little wine country, also known as Greece, and, you know, have a property and peacocks and horses.

We've always had a modern house and a little yard.

So it'd be nice if any of you want to buy my house.

Just kidding.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I want to move somewhere that's green.

So Brittany's like, oh, your house is for sale right now.

It's like, yes, it has been on sale for a minute.

Some would say since about 2000 BC, it's an ancient ruin.

It's the Acropolis.

I live in the Acropolis.

And Brittany is automatically like, she's instantly on her phone scrolling.

She goes, oh, interesting.

Well, it looks gorgeous.

I mean, and it looks like there was a price adjustment.

That's not good.

That's not good.

Well, I won't be neighbors with Mary and Bronwyn anymore.

And then I can move to your your neck of the woods, Whitney, and have horses and goats and vineyards.

Yes, vineyards.

Whitney doesn't have horses and goats and vineyards in her neighborhood, does she?

She lives on it in like a row house on a man-made pond.

She basically just lives in a lean to.

Well, she lives in like a garage apartment.

Why are we acting like

a she lives in a little McMansion

in a community of little McMansions.

And she basically lives, you know, like she's in like the Secret Lives and Mormon Wives neighborhood.

Yeah.

Which is everywhere.

But like, show me, show me a, show me a horse pasture is what I'm saying.

Yeah, there's, I'm not seeing horses over there.

But basically, Angie's making some sort of like weird small talk patter.

I don't know why, but she's sort of

in this space.

And Lisa's like, I could be a farmer.

Yeah, I could definitely be a farmer.

Roman gives a face like, hmm, what are you going to farm?

Lisa Barlow, farming.

This is from the same woman who complained the food was too fresh in Italy.

I could be a farmer.

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like a week I could be like a great farmer.

What grows in a week?

And Brittany's like, but wait, why didn't you reach out to me about listing your house?

I'm an agent.

You know I'm an agent.

Why wouldn't you call me?

Why would she?

Why would anybody call you for anything anywhere?

I wouldn't trust Brittany to sell my house.

I mean, if it was like

if I needed to like sell out my children, maybe, but not my house.

Yeah, I would trust Gina Kirschenheider more than Brittany.

And that says something.

Like, Brittany is the least reliable person.

I would, she would fuck up that contract so badly, but it would also be kind of a funny experiment just to see how she does as a realtor.

I mean, she would just flop all over the place.

Yeah.

And yeah, also, Gina would know like good seniors to get in there and stuff.

I would trust her.

Yeah.

And she's like, well, my my God's mother is my agent.

And I mean, Brittany, I barely just met you and I have lifelong friends.

Why would I hire you?

And she's like, but I just asked you a question.

I do think it's like, you know, I just think your house is listed a little high, though.

She's like, well, you're from Provo and I'm from Federal Heights.

You do Provo

French fries.

I do Federal Heights franchise.

You're in a town that can't even afford a loan at the end of the word to make a good cheese.

And I'm from Federal Heights.

but it's been listed for 200 days that's a really long time for it to be listed she's like you don't know anything about ohms in my neighborhood it is the most prestigious zip code in salt lake city well i think i live in the most prestigious zip code and whitney's like actually it's south jordan per capita i looked

No, okay, by the way, actually, the richest zip code is Highland, and it goes Alpine, then Draper, and then Park City, and then like way down at the bottom, like probably the worst zip code of all is Federal Heights.

Yeah, I just said it.

Yeah, it's pretty true.

Yeah,

but the price adjustment, that's a bad sign.

And she's like, What is a bad sign of when your house is on the market for some time and your agent suggests you do a little price reduction?

Is that bad?

Because you should price it correctly the very first time when you're going to get like multiple offers right off the bat.

Well, you don't get multiple offers when your house is listed for $4.5 million, hon.

You're fucking clueless.

I am angry right now.

Are you kidding me?

It's my profession don't insult what i do

she's not insulting real estate she's not insulting the real estate profession she's saying you clearly don't know what you're talking about

man true uh but brittany is also yes uh brittany is brittany is totally being obnoxious here but i also do love like the salt lake city tradition of getting mad when your house is insulted uh meredith did that to great effect a few years ago at the reunion

yeah that's a really expensive house by the way too in salt lake city right Jesus, 4.5.

It probably wasn't price too high.

That being said, it probably was priced too high.

Yeah, that's a big one.

So now it's like a profession fight.

And Brittany is like, oh, you don't have to insult me.

Wait, Jared's calling me.

Hold on a second, everybody.

Don't forget we're having this fight.

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Talk about someone who puts a price that's too high.

That's Brittany on Jared's attention, right?

Like,

I don't know if she is the one

to talk about price judgments when she is here now receiving a call from Jared for the umpteenth time.

But you told me that you were were going to take a 30-day,

excuse me, break from him, even though no one asked you to except for me.

I love that Whitney has come up with this idea that now she needs a 30-day break because Whitney said so.

The kid didn't ask for a 30-day, no one asked for a 30-day break except you, Whitney.

And now Whitney's like, hey, wait a minute.

She promised her children she doesn't love her children because she didn't go on a 30-day break that I demanded at a flower shop while she was bleeding from a cactus stroking her face.

Merritt goes, Has it been 30 days?

She goes, No, it's been 24 hours.

Well, guess what?

Jared actually came over to my house and you guys rode horses.

No, we don't have a horse, Angie.

I don't know why you keep saying that, but um, Jared came over and talked to Justin.

So, yeah, and now hear

and seen Jared go.

Go.

You know how many, how many like videos does Whitney have on her phone where she goes

at the beginning?

You know when people do that

when they say go after they hit record.

And go.

She's totally an and go person.

So we see a flashback to one week earlier, and Jared is, in fact, over at their home.

And Jared's like, wow, I've been very good to Brittany.

You know,

I've dropped thousands of dollars on her.

And then the breakups come.

And then I ask, well, what was I?

Was I just a dinner?

Was I just a trip?

Was I just a this?

Was I just a that?

A this and a that.

Hi, this is Larson Pippin.

I just want to offer up that.

You could have also been in X, Y, Z.

Thank you.

X, Y, Z, this and that.

Was I of this or that?

I mean, that is a profound question.

It feels like that could be like a musical was i of this was i of that yeah

like jared not everybody at that gym cafe being like am i just being used am i just being used i'm a man who doesn't want to be used which is why i drive a car with donny osmond's face is the rap

nobody i'm just so sad that a real patriot like like like jared osmond is being used and abused for his reputation and his money it's just not fair so whitney's like one but okay we're back okay we're back.

One of the biggest qualms is that he feels like you get back with him when you want,

what was it,

a vacation or a gift.

Whitney, that is so messed up.

Well, I would break up with him just for that reason.

Y'all.

Oh my God.

Bronwin's like, oh my God, the ridiculousness of this woman calling me a gold dicker for nine straight months.

Wait, has he paid for a vacation, though?

Well, he took me to Vegas one time and was like, Vegas, that's not a vacation.

That's a road trip.

Well, I mean, it's a vacation if you're on season one of our show.

That was a very glamorous vacation for us, but still, for most people, it's just a road trip.

Brittany's like, and the reason he's talking shit about me to your husband, telling my friends that he pays for my life, I mean, how could he do that?

He's going to owe me big on this.

I need new wheels.

I need new wheels on my car.

And he's going to get them for me how could he no what that is disgusting of jared

i don't see a problem with dating jared for a dinner i mean who hasn't dated a guy for a decent dinner yeah i don't i don't see any problem with that whatsoever what's the problem with dating somebody for food and why are we talking about food again yeah i don't i don't think there's any problem but i do think that uh jared framing himself as the victim in this um dysfunctional relationship is laughable because guess what it also takes two to tango so you can't complain about like am i just a meal ticket?

Am I just a guy who buys her dinner?

If you feel that way, then you also can move on from Brittany.

So yeah, I mean, they're both ridiculous.

And so is that saying that it takes two to tango.

As someone who lives alone, it does not take two to tango.

Thank you.

I have ring footage, cams.

I have ring footage

of proving it.

I'm sure, somewhere in the ring archive.

Love a single moment.

So then Brittany is crying about this, about being, you know, being accused of being, you know, like dating Jared just for the meals and stuff and

buying her lifestyle.

And then the vase behind her just like crashes to the ground.

And when he goes, that was a whole flower arrangement.

Oh my gosh.

Well, you know what we call that, don't you?

Utah Spring.

So Brittany is like, you know, this really just sucks for Jared to like, pay me out to be a gold digger.

I mean, he may be a gentleman and pick up the tab at the end of dinner or buy me some clothes or a nice bag or, I don't know, pay for my mortgage or get me a car or, you know, sort of, you know, basically say, hey, here's a credit card.

Buy what you want.

But

when he was speaking to me, he actually rented a girl to speak to me as my daughter.

It's just called being a gentleman.

But like, I've also made him so much of a priority that like it could have negatively affected my relationships with my daughters.

Like, how could he say that?

I've given up my daughters for him.

I deserve a purse.

What Brittany's thinking?

Like, I sacrificed my daughters for him, and now he's calling me a gold dicker.

How dare he?

So, then another thing, another vase crashes to the ground, like a lot of celestial signs here.

And Brahman's like, well, the winds of change want you to break up with Jared.

But we love each other.

Brittany, do you want to go first with Terrence?

I'll take you to Terrence.

Maybe he's single.

He's really cute.

Heather's like, the sun's coming out.

The wine's kicking in.

And Terrence, you've got no idea what's coming to you.

In this circle, we bring everything to the psychic.

So Whitney introduces Terrence to Brittany.

And she's like, okay, Brittany, be open to receive.

And what?

And, you know, okay, bye.

So then Meredith's like, okay, well, now that the dumb dumb is gone, I now think we can have a real scene.

So, guys, there are some stuff that I want to discuss here.

First and foremost, who else thinks I'm wearing a very chic jacket right now?

Anyone?

Meredith is going to make a toast.

Well, no, I'm not going to make a toast.

I have some concerns.

Lisa and I started a new friendship and we made a commitment to each other that when the stuff was brought to us, we would be direct.

And in that vein, Lisa, I have an issue that i need to talk to you about i need to know if you were trying to spread negative rumors and nastiness about my family uh specifically my toddler blink blink incessant blinking incessant blinking no

no

um no i feel like even last year like i worked really hard on like being a better friend of yo so like i don't even know what this is about but satan looks like she might

satan looks like she might know look at Satan over there.

Look at her.

Yes, I am going to blink.

I am blinking slowly.

And by the way, I am not Satan.

I do not work in the dark.

I do my work in the light.

Really?

Really?

Because I pride myself on coming direct to people.

And I'd like to think that I was very careful not to say anything negative about Meredith to you unless it's made up.

Maybe it's just made up.

Maybe it's just made up.

I don't make anything up.

I make nothing up.

I make nothing up.

I make it up.

I better suck up.

I make from scratch.

I make nothing up.

Yeah, you do.

So we cut to Brittany getting her reading, and Terence is like, Why are my pants so tight?

She's like, I don't know.

Yeah.

So, why does this feel like a reversal around family?

And

do you feel disconnected from someone in your own family?

Do your daughters hate you?

She's like, whoa, what?

It's my daughters.

It's my daughters.

They're 23 and 19.

He's like, oh, so the 19-year-old, she's the younger one.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, it's like there's a stone wall up there.

You know, I look at this and I say, you're not communicating because there's a stone wall.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Terrence is like the real deal.

I'm telling you, there's no way he could have known this.

And then they show footage from last year of her talking ad nauseum about how she's having a trouble talking to her youngest daughter.

It was like a curl of targets for her, for her husband or for her man.

I love that the editors are like, nope, we're going to do, we're just gonna troll the uh intuitive person we're gonna troll you and the intuitive person because you're both too you're too dumb to realize this and he is clearly just watching our show

i have goosebumps right now

goosebumps so back at the table and he's like you know what the biggest thing about you uh i'm i am realizing and lisa's like oh yeah you know what you like to go behind my back and try to impact relationships by being nasty that's what you do i do yeah i do what i do that's what you do what i did uh-huh and if it makes you feel more comfortable like shredding me saying shit behind my back and then you know what go right ahead because like i don't really give a fuck and that's why i'm combing my hair with you trying to fuck each side of my head over and over again

You're trying to fuck with me.

You're trying to fuck with me, Lisa.

No, you're trying.

You're a fucking bully.

You're a fucking bully with lies.

You're a lie bully.

I never say one thing that's not factual.

Yeah.

And you talk shitty about my cats.

You talk shitty about my cats.

I did not say one word about her kids.

Yeah, my brand, my brand.

Dare you talk about it.

Guys, come on, not the kids, not the toddlers.

Save the toddlers.

You're hurting other people.

You're hurting the children, okay?

If you can hurt the children, they won't be there to hold down the lemon when you need to slice it.

Stop it.

Not the toddlers.

Yeah, thank you for pointing that up, Meredith.

You shouldn't talk about children.

Listen, she didn't say your son has like a stupid, poofy mop haircut and he needs to get it cut.

you know, or make, you know, make fun of any of the legit things she could have made fun about your child.

She just said his product sucks, you know, and I think we're allowed to say that products suck.

I mean, this is America.

We are, this is a consumer society and we are allowed to re-leave Google reviews.

I think Angie had actually a totally fair point in saying, hey, I invested in your kids' company.

You basically saying like, hey, you, you did this pitch.

I gave money to that kid's company and you're not even helping it grow.

You're doing work for another company instead.

Like, that's not cool for me as an investor.

I think that's a very valid thing.

But then when she got into trouble, where she lost her high ground, where is where she said, it's sitting in my salon gathering dust.

It's like, oh, like, I mean, fair, it probably is.

I mean, I don't know anyone who's buying fresh wolf, but like, you can't then say, you can't complain that someone is not helping the product grow that you invested in.

And then you basically say something shitty about it on TV, especially when it's talking to the kids.

Like, I would not have said that part, you know.

But either way, Lisa, of course, gave Lisa this tiny, the tiniest inch, which there's by definition that's impossible.

An inch is an inch.

I don't know.

I'm just sick of being in the world that's running with it.

I'm just sick of being in a world where we can't criticize people's kids.

Fuck that.

Your kids need to be criticized.

You ain't doing it.

Somebody needs to do it.

Somebody needs to tell you your kids sucks.

Okay.

I'm the village that is having to pay taxes for your child.

Okay.

It takes a village to criticize your child.

I should have the right to tell you your kid sucks.

I'm paying that kid's school by paying my

taxes.

So fuck that.

I am all for it takes a village.

And, you know, I think like any adult should be able to shame any child.

But I do understand that if they have a pact on this show, that we're not going to like, you know, do things that might make the kids feel embarrassed or like directly embarrassed, you know, like, you know, it was a little bit of an overstep.

I don't think it was the worst infraction in the world by any means.

But Angie being like, I never said anything.

I merely said that their stupid product was gathering dust in my salon because no one wants it.

It's like, yeah,

you were being a little shady.

You can admit that you were being a little shady.

Yeah, well, I think her point was you're not even promoting your kid's product, not that your kid sucks, you know.

But

who knows?

Who knows how it goes?

But yeah, I guess you're not supposed to say anything about a kid's period, you know, because then also in Housewives' World, you know better than that because you say one thing that has anything to do with the kid, and then suddenly it's like, you came for my child.

I mean, look at Meredith, it's not even her kid.

And she's like, not the children, please.

This is not tip for chat.

This is not tip for chat.

We need to protect protect the children protect the children like okay jesus she's like please stop going low

meanwhile all her denim denim petals are flapping around looks like that fungus that grows on the side of a tree you know it's like

you know so brittany's back and she's like oh oh god and now it's time for bromwyn uh to uh

to to go off to the the the psychic or whatever whatever so lisa's like i did not say anything about you to angie uh you about you to angie okay i never said anything about it heather's like i don't i don't understand meredith this is the type of thing that usually she would not be able to overlook i mean this is the woman who loses her mind over liking a tweet and i i know that lisa tends to have information on people so i'm just surprised that meredith just kind of let lisa off the hook and this is pretending it was all a big lie that angie told ma'am we watched you for three seasons defend jen shaw okay

it's called sometimes when you're friends with someone you know like part of that friendship is like, I know you did something shady.

I will take it up with you privately, but I will do this, like, I will do this performative calling you out on TV so I don't get accused of favoritism and I will accept it.

And then I'm going to, you know, move on.

This is also very Heather because I think her whole like, I like Lisa now storyline is so fake.

I think she just wants the demise of Lisa, but she's coming at it from a different angle.

And this is very her to be like, oh, I'm just here to stand up for Lisa and then to to get mad that someone's not mad at Lisa.

Like, I don't understand why Meredith's not yelling at Lisa.

This isn't fair.

Yeah.

But I'd like to.

There's also, there's no good reason for Meredith to really come hard at Lisa because they are working on their friendship.

And like, when, like, she,

like,

it would be a bad vibe for them growing back their friendship if Meredith took what Angie said on face value, even if it's true.

She has to, part of what they're doing is they are uh having faith in each other that when one person says i didn't do this that they trust it and they just move forward beneath the doubt so like for the sake of their friendship maybe not in the sake of the world at large but the sake of their friendship i think meredith had to just say okay you've explained it i believe you because you're my friend well first they already knew she knows exactly what angie's doing and she's mad at lisa so angie's gonna come and and try and get meredith mad at lisa it's like it's not, it's not subtle.

So she knows that Angie's trying to do that.

And also, like she already said, this happened supposedly when she and Lisa were screaming and fighting with each other and having a bad season.

And she knows how Lisa is.

So she probably has no doubt in her mind that Lisa did it.

But she's already forgiven.

She's already agreed to forgive Lisa for being a horrible human being to try and be friends with her again.

So why, why get back into it?

You know, she's like, we'll have new fights.

Okay, we'll have new fights.

So then Lisa's like,

Angie's like,

everybody's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, in case anybody needed another like.

So Angie says, let me tell you why I brought this to Meredith, because I have finally had this little light bulb moment with you where there was a bulb that was in my head that went.

boom.

And you know what?

I leave Lisa's event and you've got me thinking that like, oh my God, Lisa does have a heart.

Lisa is my friend.

Lisa does care about me and my family.

And then I come home to you sending someone in for picking up your product.

That was very nice.

Yeah, it's my kids' product.

I was being nice, okay?

Because guess what?

I was in the middle of like talking to my good friend Ben Affleck, and I took time out of that to retrieve the product.

That was very nice of me to step away from Ben to do this.

And I sent Sage in to get product, and I said, Don't say anything, but I'm here to pick up the product.

And then she said, Angie said to Sage, Let me go get that dusty product.

Yeah, true story, everyone.

True story.

So then we go to Bromwyn's reading, and

Terrence is like, so why does brain keep coming up?

I just keep seeing a giant brain.

Well, my mom just had a big surgery in December.

So

there's that.

Yep.

Brain surgery.

Well, I feel another procedure coming up.

She's ignoring something in her blood numbers.

She's got a high.

She's got a high reading of evil, evil mother in her blood.

Please help your mother.

Okay.

Also,

I'm looking at these cards.

This is the eyebrow card.

This one actually rarely comes up.

Is your mother Joan Crawford?

No.

Getting a lot of eyebrow energy.

Strange.

Why am I getting a frazzled, hand-drawn kitty cat?

And a woman making circles in a kitchen with jello on her face saying,

everything's fine everything's fine everything's fine that's that's muzzy's t-shirt okay oh okay um this card here it seems to it's it speaks of a giant monster that once was scary but lovable and has been now reduced down to a flat little

tiny little piece of space oh that's um my mom likes to fold up my dinosaur costume so that's what i'm getting wait a minute for some reason i'm seeing andy rooney in in a jock strap.

Oh, that's my husband.

We're in love.

Get out of those.

Get out of that section.

It's going to get really dirty right about now.

You're going to need the dinosaur costume and the jock strap.

Okay, it's about to get dirty.

So for so long, we've been focused on my dad and the slow trip of a degenerative disease, but I didn't know I needed to be worried about my mom.

I always...

thought there were 10 more rounds of fight for me and my mom left, but you know, I guess maybe there's not, which is too bad because I spent all my life trying to still land that knockout punch, but somehow I just can't seem to do it.

That's great.

Yeah, great.

I was just, you know, this is sad because she does have, he's giving her bad health news about her mom.

So she starts crying.

And so that's all, you know, really sad.

And

he tells her, you know, she's your biggest supporter and it doesn't always seem that way, but she always shows up.

Yeah, she shows up to get her bills paid.

I'm not, I'm not saying one nice thing about Muzzy, but this is sad for Bronwyn.

But I'm also kind of mad at the reader because I'm like, this is my reading.

Do we have to talk about my mother?

Like, can we, can I just have a fucking break?

The lady's already living in my house, criticizing every little thing I do.

Can I just have a reading that's about me?

For Christ's sake, are there any good sales coming up?

Ah, but sometimes we are our mothers.

So

that's Jim's fighting words.

So the girls are at the table, speaking of fighting words.

Let me take a minute and read this beautiful text Lisa sent me.

Here it is.

Quote, well, at least I don't have to borrow money to take vacations using a card I should have never used to begin with, period.

Sorry, I use voice text.

Sorry.

Sorry, you don't like voice texting, but that just means period.

Just imagine a period in your head.

That's what I meant to say.

Yeah, because I was used, I was told that she used somebody else's credit card to go on a trip to Europe, and then she had to write a check and pay it back.

And so if she wants to like write something nasty, I'm going to write it back.

Like, you know, you, you borrowed money and you paid it back.

That's not really nasty because the accusation against you is you borrowed money and didn't pay it back.

Yeah, these fights on the show are my favorite thing.

And the fact that they're all doing it over a salmon, tart, salmon, smoked salmon and a waffle cone is making me laugh even more.

While drinking enchanté

as like Mrs.

Padmore comes by to give them refills.

I

like,

I really am so amused by this accusation of you used someone else's credit card and paid them back.

God forbid.

God forbid someone was reimbursed.

So Angie goes, oh, really?

This is my fucking company card, bitch.

It's a Black American Express.

That's not a flax.

That's a flax.

Yeah, that's not a flax.

This is another one.

And my third one.

Here's my Sunboy card.

Here's my Costco card.

No.

You're not flexing.

Oh, my God.

You've got eight TCBY stamps.

You only need one more and

you get a free soft serve.

Actually, I'm jealous.

You know why?

Because when I get yogurt, I only get yogurt in this country's best yogurt.

Okay.

That's how I roll.

You do this country's okay as yogurt.

I do this country's best yogurt.

Planet yogurt sucks.

Why are we fighting about yogurt?

So Andy.

I go to yogurt world.

You go to yogurt land.

I go to yogurt planet.

So now Angie is throwing her cards across the table.

And

she's like, here's my black American Express fucking product bracelet.

And I can swipe it to charge anything.

That's a thing.

I didn't even know that existed.

That sounds dangerous.

Can't you just like walk by her and just like charge her for something?

I will hundred percent be

like, hey, Angie, come over here.

Isn't this thing cool?

Wow.

Oh, man.

It has such an it feels so fun against the wrist.

Why don't you rub your wrist against it?

Thanks, Angie.

Bye.

You can go.

I'm always late to everything, though, because I remember the first time I saw you use your Apple Watch to pay for something.

I was like, what in the future is this?

And then you're like, yeah, you just pay for it on your watch.

And I was like, not all the time.

And then I tried it and it wouldn't let me.

And you're like, yeah, you just have to know how to do it.

So

it's actually somehow, I think that sometimes it's easier just to pull out your phone, but like when you do the watch thing, I always do the, for some reason, the only place I really do the watch thing is when I do a self-checkout at the supermarket, because the thing is, you can do it on your watch, but then you have to kind of like rotate your, your wrist around in a way that it's like it hits the reader and you're doing this like weird modern art dance.

And sometimes you just, it's easier to take out the phone and do it.

But yeah.

I do love

swiping with the watch.

You know what I also like doing, which is fun, you can load up your boarding pass for an airplane and get that QR code right on your watch.

So when you're walking up, you can be like, blip.

And you know, you have to take out your phone.

And that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, but then what about when you have to put your wrist under the thing?

Because some of them, you have to put your phone into the machine thing.

Well, then.

I'd be like, excuse me, ma'am.

My wrist doesn't fit in your machine.

I don't know how we're going to do it.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll just put my chubby ass wrist in there and I'll just be like, ow, ow,

like I'm getting shocked or something.

Dad's already done that.

Like, oh,

kids.

So, anyway, um, she's throwing credit cards and stuff, and uh, Mary's like, don't throw your cards on the floor, put this in your purse, stop throwing your stuff.

And Heather's like, This is the first time I've ever seen a black card.

Wow, in this circle, we never use those.

So, Brittany's like, Can I use this?

We better hide these from Brittany, or Jared's never going to hear from her again.

Too bad, news flash: Brittany is dating Angie now.

Then what's Bromwin?

Brahmin sticks her head outside the reading and be like, I mean, this one, this is the person who called me a gold digger for 18 months ago.

Which you really can't get off that, by the way.

Like, she really, like, being called a gold digger on The Real Housewives is kind of just like par for the course.

It's entry-level.

Everyone gets called it at some point, but Bromwin really acts like this is a crime against humanity.

And she will, she will circle back to it every single chance she gets it's also one of the dumbest disses you can do on this show it's like wow look at you showing up to work

work shower upper i mean that was kind of the theme of real housewives back in the day it was like people married to really rich people that's what it was and now they're like whoa gross

doing your job

Hey, Angie, you want to dush, but you can't take.

You're fabulous.

You're everything, Angie.

You're just perfect.

shut your mouth i i'm not gonna

fucking shut my mouth angie i'm not gonna i'm not gonna shut my mouth my mouth is gonna keep staying open my mouth is open so that way fen affleck and blake lively can hear things coming out of it yeah You're a liar.

Yeah, and you've said shit about every single person here.

She said things about you.

She said things about your curly hair, On Shantae, lady.

And Andrew's like, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to pull your ears farther back than they've ever been pulled by your fucking facelift.

she's like oh now you're jealous of my face oh my gosh oh my gosh and she's doing the finger comb like really fast now oh my gosh she's jealous of my face you look like you've been in a wind tunnel you look like you've been in a wind tunnel

which probably could be said by many people

that sounds like a compliment to me i'm like where is this wind tunnel

point me in the direction i'm like it's like

listen i'm my dream would be to always be able to to find my, find my light and get some wind in my non-existent hair, you know, like get that going.

Yeah.

So Lisa is like, oh, listen, you want to go dark with, you want me to go dark with you?

You want me to go fucking dark?

You want to stand up?

Because guess what?

Here comes Elisa Barlow.

Read.

Everyone, get ready.

The library's open.

Time to do some reading.

Hey, you want to stand up?

What are you standing on?

Shorty.

Got her.

Got her.

Are you taller than me?

Are you taller than me?

No, you are not.

No, you are not.

No, you are not.

I'm taller.

I'm taller by like at least three inches.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got three inches on you.

Shorty.

Oh, my God.

What's happening?

What's happening out here?

What is it?

Listen, I am going to sit down.

I'm sitting down now because by the way.

You know what?

You know what?

I'm going to sit down and tell you.

We are not friends.

I'm not friends with short people.

Okay.

Maybe you can go find some Smurfs to be friends with.

Okay.

My credit cards are not going to be every fucking business in my name.

My credit cards are for tall people only i have to be friendly they're like maybe they can get you maybe you can use your black card to like find you a map to give you directions to the yellow brick road shorty

you're short i i

you do yellow brick road i do gold brick road okay i am tall You're not tall enough to even ride this ride.

So get off this ride.

You're not tall enough, short person.

You ride the ride.

I ride the Bentley.

I've had enough.

You're like a section of the Oscar Awards that's for people who don't even have the stamina to make a full-length budget film.

Best short.

You're like the best short, short person.

You do Golden Globe.

I do Oscar.

Sorry.

That's where I am.

My short one in Oscar.

I'm going to put a bet that you're going to actually lose money in the stock market today.

Short, you're short.

Oh, wait a second.

Is that John Shavolta over there?

Oh, sorry.

Get shorty.

Angie,

I didn't even do anything to you.

You want to blame me for everything?

And Angie's like, you need a therapist.

You need a therapist.

You know what, Angie?

You need a stepstool.

You know what?

You sit on people who do the most for you.

You're a user.

You're a user.

Short user.

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap.

For part two, go look for the recap that says part two.

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