#2771 Summer House S906: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Loverboy

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Watch What Crappens Watch What Crappens Watch What Crappens Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens Watch What Crappens Watch What Crappens Who cares what happens when there's you, baby? Not much. We are here today to talk Summer House.
And then tomorrow we are flying off to Charlotte, where we will be recapping the season finale of Southern Charm, Saturday night. And then following that on Sunday, we'll be in Atlanta and we will be recapping the classic Real Houses of Orange County episode, Bringing Up Old Ghosts, season 11, episode 16.
It's where Megan King Edmonds goes around saying, are you an O'Toole? Are you an O'Toole? And then there's many other funny things. It's a great episode.
Excited to revisit it. Go to watch crappens.com to get your tickets for either show, maybe both show be a roadie.
Who knows? There's also, we're also going to plenty of cities afterwards. We will be going to DC and Philadelphia in about 10 days.
And then after that, we will be in April, we are going to Boston, Detroit, and Chicago all in one weekend. So that's going to be a lot of fun.
And then in May, we'll have two shows in Texas and Las Vegas. So it's been so much fun being out on tour.
Come join us and patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. So you can watch us on video and you get access to our bonus episodes.
Last week, we did airport snaps where we sat around in an airport in Cincinnati and talked about all the people who are around us. And it was quite an experience.
So that is all the news that is fit to print. Unless I missed anything.
Did I miss anything? Ronnie? I don't know. Okay.
But here we are with Summerhausen season nine, episode six. I don't know what it's called.
Spritzer feud. Bubbles.
Ooh, tensions bubbling. Ooh.
Tensions bubbling. That's what it was called.
Oh, that makes sense. That's clever.
That's nice. So we open up and we're in New York City and they're being very jazzy about it.
It's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. New York City.
And Jesse pulls up to pick up West. This is a big bromance episode for the two of them with, it's like a big douchey barstool sports kind of love that they have this episode, which regrettably I thought was kind of endearing, but, um, still I was like, but also, Oh, but you know, uh, I found nothing endearing.
Uh, so myself, nothing endearing. Don't get soft.
Don't get soft on me. I'm usually manipulated.
They wanted to tell the story about how these guys have kind of a cute romance. And I was like, fine, I will succumb.
I just, you know, the whole time they were driving in that car together, the boys are like, do you want to howl or do you want to bark? Some of us bark and some us oh it's like oh my god i would love to just see these guys get beat up in texas that's what i want to see i want to see these guys try and pull in front of like one of those big pickup trucks in texas and just watch our asses get kicked because that's all i think of with guys like this it's like you're gonna get your ass kicked one day and i want to be there to see it i was not about the the dog thing and i forgot like that was the thing that carl used to do all the time i totally forgot about it because carl reconnects with it because he's definitely like oh i'm like a i'm like a cool cool guy again so you sound like an old horn from the 20s dude. But Carl has gone through this kind of transformation where he is really different.
And he just looks shell-shocked. And it's before even Lindsay.
It's the whole, his sobriety has acted a different way towards him. It's like he's come out of, it's like if you've ever watched those movies.
Okay, have you ever seen one of those movies? Here's a they do a lot or a tv show where someone wakes up but they have no memory and then the whole thing is them trying to figure out like who they were and then sometimes they find out that they committed murder or something like that carl's that character he just has like woken up and he's like who am i i don't even know who i am anymore do i like soda do i like what's that soft soft i'm gonna call it soft maybe that's what i do you know what i'm gonna make a pirate party oh he just doesn't seem to know who he is he's trying to like get little clues from places to figure out who he is yeah he's like he's a very sad person i feel like sad in terms of like he looks lost i should say so then speaking that's what i mean he looks confused it's like yeah it's like somebody with some maybe like later in life where they're not remembering and there's just that moment of like looking confused he's got that i feel like he's always trying to convince himself that he's happy like there's a look on his face like he's not happy and he's trying to like find what something, and it's actually, it's actually really sad. Well, I get that, you know, but I think the best part of life is just learning that you're not happy.
Like most of the time, I think life is just not happy and it doesn't mean you have to be miserable and depressed, but it doesn't mean like you're, it just means you're not walking around every day. Oh my God.
i think sometimes people equate sobriety with like oh maybe i'm not sober so then i'll get sober or lose weight or whatever it is i'm gonna do this thing and then that's gonna make me happy and then you're like this is really fucking boring and i think part of it is just realizing that life is kind of boring and that's that's the path we're on baby it's called the human existence you know it's like how you deal with it being boring you know what do you do with your board what do you do with your board that's what really matters this may sound crazy i don't think life is boring at all i think well you've never really had an addiction so you don't know the the and i don't mean i don't mean it like in a well you wouldn't know i don't mean it like that i just mean what what i'm talking about is when you're addicted to something, there's a certain thrill that comes from that addiction, right? So the drugs or the alcohol or the food or whatever it is. So when you take that away, you're like, oh, my God, this is boring without that.
And normal life kind of is like that. You don't have those stimulants pumping.
I don't know why I'm going on about this. It's okay.
Or to demean your happy life. B it's or to demean your hair your soul yeah i don't mean to demean your happy life either i just mean you already know what it's like so you know how to fill your time you know yeah no i am lucky that i don't have an addiction now excuse me um i'm gonna pause the podcast and go get five gallons of cold brew okay bye um no no no i get what you're saying.
Like, uh, if like, you know, I can, I can, I should say, I can imagine, I am fortunate that I don't, I have, don't have any like hardcore addictions and that like, maybe like life can seem a little dull or less vibrant when you come down from that. But I don't know, has not been my, my, my experience, but I can understand how that can be someone's experience.
Well, and I think that you're someone to look up to too, because for someone like me, you know, I look at someone like you and you do know how to fill your life with really positive things. You know, I see you do it.
You, you really do. You have a full dance card, you keep it moving, you know? So, I mean, hopefully that's a good thing.
Maybe, maybe I'm secretly like very sad and I just have to fill myself with activities, but I actually don't think so. I think I'm actually pretty happy.
Sometimes I do think I'm actually addicted to, I know this sounds ridiculous, but this is not the same as heroin, but I do think I'm addicted to certain things like I buy a lot of board games, I buy a lot of cookbooks, and I'm like, I don't need to buy these things. I keep buying them because I love them and they make me happy, but then I don't cook out of my cookbooks or I had some of the games sit on my shelf for like three years before I play them.
And I feel like that's probably some sort of addiction on some level. But you know what? I think it doesn't compare to drugs, hardcore drugs.
So I'm going to just sort of quietly wrap up that commentary. Well, we never know.
Maybe if one day we were like, you have to quit board games then maybe we'd see he'd be like how do i fill my time i will turn to richards i will be like you stole my goddamn house i mean i would be like you're gonna watch out you better watch out every takeaway of my games and my cookies yeah so anyway i don't know why we're here the point is carl's confused. Carl looks very confused.
None of this excuses the woofing.

None of this excuses the woofing.

And I think that's a car full of douchebags,

but I'm glad you found it cute.

I didn't think the car full of douchebags was cute.

I thought what was cute was Jesse

and Wes at the house.

Well, because the car also had Carl

in it, too. But in the house,

they put the beds together.

You can't have Carl without Carl. Ha! Ha.
Ha ha. Hey, pause.
Ha ha ha. Doggy on board.
Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. Ha ha ha.
Can I say something? I want to talk about this. Since we're talking about dogs, I'm sorry we're here.
It's happening. I went, it's Bagel Thursday today as some of you may know.
And I went to, I got my bagel and then I went to blue bottle afterwards across the street. Cause I was like, I'm gonna have a nice quiet moment with a cold, but my ice Nola, I'm sorry.
And the people next to me had a bulldog and it was in there. I was at first.
I like, well, whatever bulldogs are so cute. They're these big, big, silly dogs, but this dog like was fascinated with the floor and started licking and licking and licking and licking and licking and licking.
And I looked down and there was a puddle of dog saliva of, of slobber. And it was just growing and growing.
I just kept on licking and it was, it was shiny. It was, it was like, it was three dimensional.
It had ripples and bubbles and everything. And it was.
And I was disgusted. I'm sitting here eating this bagel, looking at this growing puddle of saliva.
And I just got so mad because the owners were just sitting there like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'm like, what? If you know your dog is going to be leaving puddles of saliva in a place where people are eating or drinking, You got to keep that dog outside.
I am sorry. And so I am really upset about this.
And I don't blame the dog. I blame the owners.
People, be better. Be more responsible because there are people like me in the world who are absolutely disgusted by your dog's slobber pools.
Okay. And that's my public service message.
One, you know how know how girls on this show feel and two that dog was just saving that floor from infection leave that dog alone so what if it licked the floor the floor should thank it dog lick is very healthy this wasn't just like a dog licking the floor it wasn't like a few like animals do that it's fine this i almost took a photo and i'm like i will not take a photo ben you you can just move on with your life see and here and here you said I had a happy life, and here I am getting so angry about a puddle of dog goo. I know, I think we're starting to see the dark side.
Am I happy? Am I happy? Because look how triggered I am by it, you know? A dog licking a floor. It's what dogs do.
Leave the dog alone. Let the dog live.
You think the dog's sitting there like, I'm going to take a picture of that guy being persnickety in a store and drinking his nola no if you could have seen it was like someone had spilled some like uh like half a bottle of corn syrup on the floor it was disgusting it was it's too much people come on so i don't know carl's live your best life lick on licky no you can like lick outside. Do it outside.
Don't do it where someone could be putting their flip-flops. Well, that dog probably quit doing coke recently.
And now look at it. It's just trying to find some joy in the world.
Just fucking leave it alone. We all deal in our own ways.
Okay, so then we go to Paige and Craig picking up Gabby, because Gabby is Lindsay free this week. So we'll see how that goes.
Frankly, I think it leads to a much better Gabby that she's not like a Walker for Lindsay. Cause I feel like, I feel like she's a crutch for Lindsay, like a Walker and Lindsay's just like, Oh, here, my support.
Um, here, my support. And so it's nice to see the Walker, you know, loosen up and go have some fun.
Yeah. I mean, Lindsay needs that Walker.
She always has someone in that capacity. And it will lead to interesting drama if Gabby decides to become independent.
Unfortunately, Gabby has really kind of receded into the background of the season. It's like, she's just sort of, you forget she's on the show.
She's just not doing much, which is too bad because Gabby's been wonderful in the past. But anyway, she gets in the car with Craig and Paige and Craig is like, I got you some drinks and we'll have some snacks.
And she's like, oh, my God, you got drinks? This is like the best Uber ever. And Paige quietly to herself in the front seat is like, I got the drinks.
Yeah. She's like, this fucking guy first had to see his foot in the sink in Charleston.
and now i've got to let him take all the credit for me gathering the cans of poppy yeah craig taking all the credit did you see by the way that poppy sold for 1.6 billion dollars holy crap those two people from house hunters that we recapped an episode on dwell hello of house hunters the people who founded poppy and this like to that this 2020 or 2019 says before poppy was big we kind of invented poppy is what i'm saying they just sold for one you're welcome poppy six billion it was me going on dwell hello and talking about how shitty your soda is that propelled you to this 1.6 billion dollar deal yeah that hot hot that hot hot guy who was part of that couple. That's what I always remember.

I remember nothing. So they're

in the car and making small

talk and stuff. And Paige is like, it's Amanda's birthday

on Wednesday. So we're going to do like a surprise.

We're going to

have Kyle stay sober,

not make her cry. And

I don't know. We're thinking about something with

avocados. Not really sure.

Let's do a guacamole.

That'll break her, Craig.

No one is stealing her guacamole.

So

then in the other

car, Jesse's like, this is

good. Everybody shake hands.

You gotta take a hook out. This'll be great.

And

everyone's just driving.

And Paige is like, so Gabby,

I'd like to say that you didn't miss much last weekend,

but you actually kind of missed a lot. I was kind of

Thank you. and then everyone's just driving.
Everyone's driving, and Paige is like, so Gabby, I'd like to say that you didn't miss much last weekend, but you actually kind of missed a lot. I was kind of iconic.
Like, I'm probably going to make the season trailer, and honestly, maybe the mid-season trailer on it. They'll just go back and show more of it.
It was so good. I just want you to know, my thigh gap is going to make every cut of the season.
You're going to see it in every preview this season. Nobody's got a thigh gap like me.
Sorry you missed it, you fucking loser. Oh, by the way, Kyle was trying to yell at me about Craig.
I mean, talk about getting some balls. Yeah, he called me a liar on national television.
Well, in his defense, you are on national television, and you're a fucking pathological liar, Craig. You do have a tendency to lie while on national television.
So he's like, yeah, he went on to watch what happens. And he said, wow, Craig lit a house on fire.
And I was like, what? Like, Craig, he didn't say that, but he accused me of being a liar. You just lied while defending yourself.
Oh, okay. How dare you call me a liar you just lied while defending yourself oh okay call me a liar i'm a mayor a mayor and a literature expert you're not great he went on to what kyle went on to watch what happens live and called patricia a bitch it's true it's true i swear to god yeah you want to watch what happens and he accused me of being a liar and I'm like, what? I don't lie about anything ever.
I don't lie. It's a story because I'm a storyteller.
She's like, well, because Craig told him he was going to invest in another alcohol company. I mean, even if I had, like what bearing does it even have on Kyle's life at all? I mean, that space is massive.
Kylie and Kendall are sisters, and they each have a fucking alcohol brand. Yeah, Kyle.
He's like this. Thank you, Craig.
Thank you for reminding us that you're basically like a Kardashian, just exploring the space. And Paige is like, oh my god, not the Jenners.
Please don't bring them into this. He's like, it's a huge space like it doesn't even affect Kyle so then in the douche car the guys are like and Wes is like oh hey Emeril last summer we barked a lot like I don't know if you want to bark with us but it comes with a free lady scarf that you get to wear on your head and a trucker's cap that kind of floats five inches from the top of your mushroom hair.
He's like, that's cool. I'm more of a howler.
Oh! Thanks, Imrille. By the way, just want to let you know, Imrille, it was really cool hearing you howl.
This is probably the last time we're actually going to have a conversation with you all weekend. Thanks so much for being here.
He's like, wow, somebody howled and now it smells like syphilis in this car. I'm really sure.
They literally talked to Imrule the whole weekend. Like you forget Imrule's.
Like Imrule's only role in the show, it seems, is that he just brings people in anonymously in the middle of the night. And he didn't even do that this weekend.
Yeah, he just talks about fucking a lot, you know. Yeah.
So then Jesse's like, guys, you know, I don't know if you've ever heard Lexi's work, but it goes like this. Woof woof.
It's like so cute, you guys. Wow.
I'm like not even off of Manhattan. We're already talking about Lexi.
Carl's like, whoa. She's staying back on the studio.
She's like, yeah, she's in Toronto. Her best friend had a baby.
They've already put so much mascara on. It's a cute little face.
It's so amazing. Yeah.
She said it's like a baby boy and it's already more mature than every guy in this house so actually pretty amazing so carl gets a call he's like hold up hold up hold up one second gotta call gotta call uh want to authorize the pickup for my draft oh yeah sorry a little surprise my my party tomorrow it's We're just sorry. I was going to talk some table stakes because we're going down a vortex.

I just want to funnel all this information into the corporate jargon because we're going to open the kimono on like basically soft sodas. And, you know, it's just going to be a real, you know, like come to the table, move the needle moment.

Carl. Yeah.
Let me tell you a little backstory.

I'm from Pittsburgh and they're famous for Pittsburgh pirates. We call them cake eaters.
So I Love pirates the cake. So I'm gonna show a throw a shipwreck party.
All right, and guess what my ex fiance is not gonna be there Let's fucking go. Yeah It's like really hard for me to have like my first pirate party without my ex fiance I just need like a little bit of time and space and just I want everyone in this house Just treat me a little bit of tenderness right now kind of ironic.
I'm having a pirate party when the wench is gone I would walk the plank but That board is pretty hard. Do we have a soft plank I can walk on? So yeah, I invited a girl guys cuz I'm talking to a girl.
She's like really cute. I'm attracted to her and do we have a soft plank i can walk on so yeah i invited a girl guys because i'm talking to a girl she's like really cute i'm attracted to her and i have a feeling if she's into me she's going to be kind of like olive oil from the film version of popeye so let's see let's see hey does paul want a cracker i mean like whatever you want like it's really whatever whatever you want like i don't want to make a decision i just i just want paul to hug me.
Does Polly like maybe want a cracker that's gluten free? I mean, I'm into that. If you need that, like I'm here to support your boundaries.
So cracker soft. So guys, I'm starting a soft cracker company.
Yo ho ho on a bottle of seven up. So, They do it in Europe.
In Europe, they call it bread. I'm going to call it soft crackers.
It's like my teeth before I got the veneers. It's time for a commercial.
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You can listen to Even the Royals early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus. So, um, uh, West is like, hey, did you, uh, hey, Carl, hey, did you invite Shorty to the party? And he's like, yeah, I invited a girl.
He tries so hard. Hey, bro, did you invite Shorty? Please stop.
Someone uncringe him. I'm so cringe every time.
Him and Jesse, every time they talk, I'm just like, oh, my butthole clenches. He's like, hey, shorty, it's your birthday.
I'm at a party like, it's your birthday. We don't even give a fuck if it's not your birthday.
So he says, yeah, I'm a better girl. She sent me a selfie last weekend.
She's really pretty. She's tall.
She's got a good body. And her name is Lil, which is funny because she's tall, but her name is Lil.
It's like, are you tall or are you Lil? She's like, is she a shorty? Is she a literally shorty? Is she Lil? Is she shorty? I'm really confused right now, guys. Hey, Lil, you look a little tall.
And then I had to wait for a response. I had to wait for a response.
But I got a selfie. So it worked out.
Worked out. We're basically getting married.
We've already decided our couple name which is going to be

carl carol or a couple name is carlo carl liberal at an union we're a decent hotel we haven't decided where we're we're we're not sure if we're a laurel or a carol but i think I think we're going to be Carl.

Carl. Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl.

Carl. carol but i think we're gonna be little girl little girl little girl carly oh um so uh he's like yeah so um she was hard uh like she she slid into my dms in uh last year and we started messaging in october and then like fast forward to this summer and you know she's got a good personality she's energetic she's yoga studio instructor and like i'm just um i'm feeling it i'm i'm feeling lil yeah and emerald's like obviously you're still looking for a connection right he's like yeah yeah looking for a connection but like guys truth be told let me tell you a secret i haven't had sex since last summer so but wasn't the thing last summer that he wasn't having sex with Lindsay? So I don't think he even had sex last summer, did he? I don't think so.
And by the way, by the way, something else. Wasn't he kind of like shaming Lindsay for like moving on and like after their breakup really quickly with Tanner? Like you were texting with Lil in October.
I'm sorry. You may not have gone on a date.
Maybe you didn't have sex, but you were already playing the field in October, sir. So don't think that got by us.
I wasn't seating it. So I would say that's quite a difference.
My field isn't pregnant. So honestly, I thought I was just talking to Lil Wayne.
It turns out it was the instructor, the white woman. Ironically enough, I actually was actually texting Lil Wayne as well and I was like you look a little short I did not get a text back I did not get a selfie from Lil Wayne so you know I'm all like 50-50 right now which as the cake pirates would stay in my state arg so still winning Lil Wayne by the way does have a message for everyone he says says, Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee.
So Jesse's like, Yeah, guys, we're going to get Carl late this weekend. Lindsay's not going to come, right? And he's like, No.
Yeah, I want you to find your pirate's booty. Bark, bark, howl, howl, brah.
Debating whether or not to go on a tangent about Pirate's booty. Am I going to do this? And the answer is I'll do a very quick one, which is that apparently the founder of Pirate's booty declared himself the mayor of a town that he lives in, in Long Island.
And was like, I'm the mayor now. Everyone's like, no, you're not.
He's like, yes. And he like is trying to have like a full-on takeover of this town and this happened yesterday this is fresh pirate booty news so you know give updates as they come through and then the makers of poppy soda were like sorry we just bought your town we're having it burnt down poppy versus pirates booty the rivalry continues so uh we go to the Hamptons and the Craig van pulls up and Paige is like, oh my god, home sweet home.
And Craig's like, is Lindsay coming? And Gabby's like, no, she's with Turner's family. You know, Paige was like, oh, thank god.
So sick of pretending to be happy for her. So then...
So hard walking into somebody's room with orange juice and saying, hello, mrs lindsey are we feeling okay today are we gonna have a good day today or is it gonna be a rough day today god thank god ew so then um guess what guys uber eats all over that patio or the front stoop uber eats is sponsoring the show. And we know that because it gets mentioned every three seconds.
Yeah, they're furnished by Uber Eats. It says at the end, I read up on it.
Oh, that's right. It does say that.
Yeah. So they got a bunch of snacks, which is really fun.
And then guess what? My home is also furnished by Uber Eats. I'm sitting on a cardboard container right now.
It held a salad. This smells a little bit like body odor because that's how onions smell the next day.
Yeah. So this front door, there was one moment this season where it opened up nicely.
And ever since then, the door continues to stick. How is this door still messed up? This door is like, this is such a camera hog, this door.
This door's like, no, you won't just open me. I am going to have my moment.
You cannot take my moment away from me. You are going to have to barge down this door because I'm getting on this camera.
The door is the Lexi of doors. It's like, I'm not committing to opening until you're committed to me.
I'm not a loose door. I'm a really, really rigid door.
Also, official RIP to Bailey because last weekend, because this is only the third weekend in the house i think and last weekend they did the perfunctory oh is bailey coming this weekend like no she's having boy trouble and then this is this weekend they don't even ask about bailey anymore so she's officially gone yeah bailey's dead she shined bright she was like a star she shined bright. She shone bright.
And then she ran from the old people. That's happened with stars.
She's like, ew, press. So Paige walks in and she's like, oh my God, I love air conditioning.
It just feels so regal and classy. Oh my God, I need help studying.
Okay, guys, we need to set up for Amanda's party to let her know that we really love her So order some dominoes And throw some guacamole on the floor Okay, are we ready? Does anyone know how to play the trombone? I'm hoping someone can stand in the corner when she walks in and go We just really want someone to represent Amanda's personality personality so we hired um rachel drach to just

stand at the door and make this face i would love rachel drach to join this cast like she's just rachel drach just hanging out with them but like it's never acknowledged that she's rachel drach but she's just there you know be like hey girl you want to make some pizza and like rachel drach Rachel Dratch

Pizza huh?

God

Last time I saw something that flat

Was when I saw that family of five get run over by a semi on the freeway so Craig's like Paige where's your room she's like um we're staying in Lindsay's room this weekend I demand a penthouse what am I poor Paige is like yeah we're gonna stay in Lindsay's room this weekend. I demand a penthouse.
What am I poor? Paige was like, yeah, we're going to stay in Lindsay's room this weekend because I've always been such a fan of Cocoon and I wanted to really feel like what it was like to be Jessica Tandy. I want to wrap myself around those blankets.
It'll be nice, you know, not having to walk to the bathroom because there's a bedpan in that room. So I say we just do it there.

I've always wanted to go to sleep.

I always wanted to go to sleep to the sound of the Victorola next to the bed. The only thing that plays on that TV is Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune over and over again.
It's going to be glamorous. so Gabby I I mean, Sierra comes.
She hugs. She says hi to Gabby.
Gabby's like, I need a glass of wine. Craig, do you want a glass of wine? He's like, I'm okay.
I'm going to have a beer, a root beer. Thank you, though.
I said addiction last week on my show, so I'm just going to have some root beer today. Thanks, though.
Really going to follow through on that on that storyline but i'm gonna give myself the option to not be sober anymore which is why i'm saying i'm gonna have a beer or a root beer i'm like those are two wildly different experiences that you're gonna have just so you know the viewers can choose their own path on that one it's like being like no i'm good i think i'm gonna have some orange juice or maybe like a shot of vodka I don't know I have to figure it out it's like you're setting yourself up for two different paths so Paige is like ew people who don't drink wine are gross let's drink Gabby she's like fuck yeah okay so they drink and then uh the guys arrive and Howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, l um carl does it so much that i'm trying to think that he might have like a puppy kink you know like you know the pups that that whole uh there's that whole kink where like you dress up you like you sort of put on the thing and you're like a puppy and then you like it's like a weird affection it's not weird it's everyone everyone's kink is allowed um but it's like you are you i'm not fucking a puppy there i don't care if you're kink fuck your kink shame you know when you like the floor i don't care send me your letters and you know what what what are we going to get letters from puppy kinks they don't have opposable thumbs sorry who are you going to complain to you puppy kink people i'm not fucking a puppy stop that just see your role play all the way through if you complain to us that means you're failing your role player because you should you have a puppy. Stop that.
Just stop it. It's a gross kink.
If you complain

to us, that means you're failing your role play

because you have paws and you're not supposed to understand English.

Yeah, go look a floor somewhere.

Go look the floor

of Blue Bottle, okay?

So

everyone's saying hi, and then

Amanda and Kyle arrive.

I think I'll see her.

And so they walk in and Amanda's like,

Hi, wow.

Oh my God.

Amazing.

I'm overwhelmed.

Happy birthday.

And she's like, honestly, I thought I was 33 for a really long time.

Like, I keep forgetting how old I am.

All I know is that I'm old enough for Kyle to have completely stolen my youth. Kyle.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and anxiety were holding her back from. So good for her.
And then now Craig is drinking alone in the living room. Because Kyle's basically not saying hi to which is so funny to me and Craig is like fine I guess I won't say hi I'll just hang out and club send it I guess hang out and club send it just makes me laugh so Paige is like okay we're gonna eat snacks we're gonna have a pizza party we made a lot of effort Amanda a lot Paige is like, okay, we're going to eat snacks.
We're going to have a pizza party. We made a lot of effort, Amanda.
A lot. She's like, oh my gosh, this is amazing.
We have everything. Kyle's like, this weekend, I want to dress else in the room between me and Greg because what he did was super, super shady.
And we're going to have a discussion about it. So then we see flashbacks about this this whole mess and Kyle's like, look, was it wrong of me to let my emotions get the best of me? Yes, it was.
But the bottom line, I was lied to and I was hurt. And like, so now like it's about saving whatever friendship there's, is there.
And probably like more importantly, making sure that it doesn't affect the relationship between page and Amanda. And then afterwards I can get shit faced and pee in a bush.
Yeah. So Carl's like, hey, you guys, you know what we need for our party tomorrow? I think we're going to reload that cooler tomorrow.
Get ready for a reload. It's Carl 9.0.
Yeah. People say I'm not fun anymore, but what could be more fun than reloading a cooler? Cooler reloaded.
Falling down flights of stairs. Big announcement, guys.
Big announcement. Carl, you have the floor.
Guys, I may just start doing it right now. Carl 5.0, reloading a cooler right now.
Who wants to join? Carl's like, yeah, if you're going to do that, you better stake out a non-alc corner. Non-alc.
Corner of non-alc. Already ahead of you, bro.
I'm going to stake it out, and then afterwards, I'm going to have some Sonny D. So then, I don't know why, Carl's energy is giving me very much like that, like, hey, just got done with soccer practice.
I could go for something. Purple stuff? Nah.
Sonny D? Yeah. So, Gabby's like, okay, girls, what do we need to change into what do we need to do because I and then she bumps her head into something she bumps her sunglasses on her head swimsuit or chowel so now Carl is crushing a box with his foot Carl's like really manic this weekend he's like look how fun I am without Lindsay is crushing a box with his foot.
Carl's like really manic this

weekend. He's like, look how fun I am with that Lindsay.

Crushing a box. Yeah.
Crushing a box.

Not elk corner. Pirates.

Lil. Lil.
Have I mentioned Lil?

Have I shot my load too fast?

It's a lot, guys. Like the first five minutes, I've

said pirates. Lil.
I've crushed

a box and I've said non elk. Are we still

on the same page? That's Carl 9.0,

baby. You know what rhymes with Lil? Phil.
As in as in I'm gonna fill that cooler right now oh so fun I'm having so much fun right now why may remix you a little Phil Collins bro oh come on that's a little depressing this is Carl 9.0 okay I would never say no to that just so you know um and uh so Kyle's like wow okay look at you like with your tall privilege sticking your whole foot in the garbage can without having to like use the steps tool. That's pretty cool.
So by the way, how's Jersey? You met up with your business partners? He's like, yeah, yeah, we got to trademark. We got trademark on the name.
And by trademark, I mean, I just called someone up and then said, Oh, I'll meet you at Kinko's. I've got a delivery.
Move the needle. Um, I'm actually impressed that he got a trademark because I would imagine

that it's not easy to get a trademark

on something called soft drinks.

But good for you.

But even honestly, like his thing

is soft bar, but I would think that

soft bar would have already been taken

unless is it just such an idea

that people are like, yeah, this will never take off.

I don't bother trademarking it.

I'm impressed that you got that trademark.

Softbar.

It's unbelievable, but listen,

I haven't announced the brand on social.

It's not a fish, so it has

been publicized, and that's coming next week.

That's huge. That's huge.
It's going to

be huge. It's going to be big.
It's going to be soft.

We're going to do a

soft launch. See what I did there?

I'm going to be announcing my new company. It's called

Softbar. Softbar is a mindful consumption bar and coffee at Williamsburg.
Die. Just let it die.
Just fucking die in a fire. A fucking mindful consumption bar.
How about a suck my dick bar? Okay. That is mindful.
Now that's the real mindful consumption bar.

I suck my dick bar.

Line up the glory holes.

Okay.

If I ever line up for a place called a mindful consumption bar,

just fucking have a group of puppies murder me,

you know,

sex puppies murder.

Just roll me around on a,

on a,

on a bulldog slobber puddle.

Okay.

Because I am not dealing with this.

Look,

you can have,

you can have a mindful consumption bar. You can have a place in Williamsburg.
You cannot have both, okay? It's got to be one or the other because I'm barely tolerating mindful. I don't know what mindful consumption is.
I'm just annoyed by it. And Williamsburg, that just put me over the edge, okay? It's fine if you want to do a non-alc bar.
I'm not going to shade you about that, or as I like to call it, a coffee house. you know what though? The mindful consumption, get out, get out.
I don't want to hear it. By the way.
Hi, Williamsburg lived there for seven years, 475 Kent Avenue. Hey baby, miss you.
And it was before it was completely douched out. You know, it was a long time ago that I lived there, but we did have like a lot of metal workers.
It would be like a Thai restaurant, a coffee shop.

And then like some guy with like a really long beard, you know, and like steampunk, you know, steampunk style.

And he'd be like, guys, I do medical metal work.

Anybody need metal work for their apartment?

Yeah.

I'll try and think of something, Jeffrey.

It's a lot of like suburban people who are like now doing like you know 1905 like farmer cosplay yeah there was a lot like rips of wrath cosplay you know there was a lady who who like grew tomatoes on our roof and it was just not built for that you know um yeah and there were like the jeffrey the metal worker his name was spelled like j-e-j-o-f-f-r-i-e-y-e-e it's like oh god okay jeffrey how am i supposed to look up your metal shop sir yeah exactly so anyway he is mindful consumption bar and cafe in bloomsburg and we're just gonna like be serving non-alcoholic drinks that are like more premium, more sophisticated, more elevated. And they're just like always going to be haters.
Like, I don't know, like Ben and Ronnie, but like last summer, Lindsay had her feedback and we see her being like, no, it's like, honestly, okay. Print this.
Thank you, Lindsay. Thank you, Lindsay Hubbardbard because at the time i told her that i wanted

to start a bar and you know what it was a bad idea so that's what i went back to the table i refined my idea and now i can't wait oh so i mean i guess you are giving her credit for telling you to rework it because you reworked it so you're admitting that you had no you just had a general idea and you wanted to dive in head first and look i i am giving shit to carl because his thing just sounds so pretentious mocktails are fucking delicious and there are so many and like i think there is definitely a way to do like a a place where you go in and just get some amazing mocktails and have some bites of course listen there's plenty of people especially in williamsburg who want to spend 25 on a glass of punch and let them do it but like i just you know i just can't deal with the mindful consumption branding of it like just drives me nuts i cannot i've always been a fan of mindless consumption that's how i roll i'm an old navy bitch that's how i am just don't tell me how i'm consuming your mocktails just say that they're on the menu and I will show up if I want to yeah I'll be mindful if I want you know that's my own path so then we see Carl's like so come on Kyle let's talk about you and your emotions your very serious storyline of competing bubbles so you're gonna try and talk to Craig yeah, yeah. You know, I've never, ever in my life felt more wrongfully attacked.
That's huge. Yeah.
Like when you put your blood and tears into something as an entrepreneur, as a founder, there's like no delineation between business and your personal life. Right.
And like, you've seen that firsthand. And like, I take, I take things personally.
And like, it's like, oh, it's just your business. But it's like, not just my business business, like personal.
So like, I'm not like upset. And like, we just can't go back to how it was.
I mean, look, we see how it goes. Um, it's like founder is like being a founder now, just a personality trait.
Like, I feel like I never heard people really refer to themselves as founders as much as like, it just started with Danielle last year. And now it's like, well, I'm a founder.
My job is that I'm a founder.

No, it's like a status. You did that, but it's not like who you are.
I don't go around being like, well, I'm a founder. I just founded a podcast with Ronnie Karam.
I'm a founder. We're founders.
Yeah. And CEOs, don't forget.
Commercials. Here comes one right now.
So then jesse's calling sierra into into his and west room and they're like playing around and then amanda and page are like playing around in their room and amanda's like oh my god i woke up with the biggest pimple on my chin two days ago to the point where my whole fucking chin was swollen I'm gonna name Bertha. So she's being as compelling as ever.
And then Gabby is, she's upset because there's too many flies in the room. And then now Wes and Jesse are together.
And Jesse's like, Hey, I love that Sierra walked up to our room. That was like the closest that she's gotten.
Right, right. Wes is like, yeah, that was like a little progress.
Like, yeah, I mean, next thing, she might come in here for a slumby. Yeah, you know, I don't know that we're going to be in slumby land.
Like, you know, a big one for me would be like, hey, maybe like, bye, you know, like eye contact. Like, she won't look me in the eye still.
Just a sad little boy you didn't do anything i'm gonna talk to her i mean i said hey you want to come in for a slumby you know because like i'm friends with like both of you and it shouldn't be like this like there's more the merrier at the slumby so we get flashbacks of jesse being so close to sierra and he's like yeah i'm like half between two friends and like i wish we could like all sit and get along and like just be chill you know like maybe i can level a little sierra and like help her realize he's not such a bad guy i'm gonna do that by sitting with her on a floaty and talking about how hot her cans are i mean god um are there um any girls you're excited about he's like oh sorry that was jesse who asked that to west and west is like um no like am i are you asking about like am i dating anyone um no um he's like oh really that's bullshit because i see a girl whose name pops up on your phone all the time i don't know what you're trying to tell but i fucking know yeah he's like yeah well like truth be told like i like attention you know so like my phone's juicy it's a juicy shoddy you know and i'm like whoa phone step off the curb you know what i'm saying producer's like so have you been spending time with a specific girl that you're not talking about he's like, um, no, like the one that Jesse's talking about, um, like lives in Montana. And like, if I was like seeing someone, um, serious, like he'd probably be the first to know, or maybe him or my mom.
Cause I'm cute, you know? And like, well, maybe not. I think it's Jesse.
Sorry, mom. So Uber eats come super eats this year.
And Emeril is likeil is like hi thanks for coming by may I stick my penis in you okay no okay well if you'd like to come back later as an arrow that floats on the screen feel free to know where I am bing bing bing bing bing bing so Paige is on her phone looking at a metaphor for her relationship with Craig basically an empty room and like what like, what are you looking at, Paige? She's like, I'm looking for Daphne, my cat, because she's just like so iconic and just way more interesting than Craig ever is. But Daphne does not show up.
So then Jesse comes in and Sierra's like, oh, my God, join us with your outfit. And he's like, what are you you guys getting dressed for because like lexi's not even here this weekend oh yeah yeah oh cool wow jesse and lexi talk at dinner already classic and so kyle's like i can't believe that you use that outfit without lexi here he's like are you guys saying this is a good or bad outfit i can't tell all right guys let, guys, let's do a toast to Amanda's 33rd birthday.

You know what?

I got her for a birthday.

Ironically toast.

So,

all right.

Who's counting?

All right.

Who's counting?

How old is she?

She's like,

I'm old as fuck,

but at least I'm not as old as Kyle.

And Wes is like,

Hey,

how old are you?

The person at the corner of the table.

We've never talked to you before.

And Emeril's like 36.

How about you?

He's like, um, I'm 29. so i'm like a cute little kid basically yeah so then um jesse and sierra are like you look good you smell good oh my god so then amanda cuts a cake and she's like have you guys seen the new way they cut cake on tiktok they just like put a cup down and then drag the cup out and it's full of cake i hate that so much and so that yeah i've seen it you're like and then what do dogs lick the cup yeah put them all down probably so jesse's like wow look they're talking about tiktok slicing like it looks like that kyle and kirk are getting along did they squash the beef did i did i miss it hey you guys you guys are getting along well like did I miss the squashing of the beef? Should I sing a song to celebrate? Because like, well, I sent a couple of texts and I was trying to like address it at a time.
And I don't know. I don't want you to think I'm avoiding it, Craig, even though I wouldn't say hi to you earlier until just now.
No, I don't feel like you're avoiding me. I just, I texted you back, remember? And he's like, well, Craig, here's all that friendship, you know know it's not like an aha gotcha you know i just want to talk he goes i do too and that's why i said we should talk tomorrow he's like oh but i think it would be like easier to talk sooner than later he's like um actually it's uh i've been in traffic and like i would like to do it tomorrow because that's how people control things they They control their time.
Yeah, it's like, you know, you both were in traffic and you actually got to the house before Kyle. Craig's such a fucking douche.
Craig's just trying to be like, oh, I control. And he even says it later.
It's like he's trying to control things and show that he's the bigger man of the group by like demanding when the meeting is going to be. Wow.
Yeah, and Kyle's like, I don't want this hanging over my head. Let's squash this so we can enjoy ourselves.
We can party tonight and have a good time. Yeah, but Craig doesn't care.
He likes a nice, awkward scene. So he's like, yeah, I'm not going to do it today.
And Amanda goes, okay, so you guys are going to talk tomorrow. No, we're going to talk tonight.
Why can't we just do tomorrow? Dude! And he's like, oh, I just know Kyle wants to do it tomorrow. Like, what's the big deal? Let's just do it tomorrow.
He's like, all right, well, I didn't realize it was a timing thing. He's like, you know, my goal was to take this head on.
Like, I know we have some things in our chest, but like, for me, like trying to minimize this awkwardness, like what the fuck was that? And Kyle and Craig are kind of in a open collar battle right now because they're both wearing shirts.

There's like no buttons on the collar.

It's just like splayed out polo shirts.

And like, I'm going to show more of my chest.

I mean, you're going to see more of my clavicle and I'm going to win the argument.

Yeah.

And Craig's like, no, I won't talk.

So he goes and now it's just totally awkward.

And Carl's like, oh, well, I'm here to celebrate Amanda's birthday. So thank God it's awkward.
Because I don't think we've ever had a birthday for Amanda that wasn't completely awkward. So yeah, nailing it.
Does anyone want to help me finish filling up the cooler? It's getting awkward in here. So now Kyle's walking around outside.
He's like, dude, Craig is like a fucking psycho. fucking psycho such a fucking cock fucking sucker so then Amanda's like I'm just at a point where I'm so sick of Kyle fighting with Craig like I'm always wondering about it like and you know I don't wonder if it's going to affect my relationship with Paige I mean with Hannah and Kyle had a big falling out was so awkward for us and now she's really famous and I don't get to be like friends with her while she's super famous.
So like, if I have to miss out on page two, that's going to be a real bummer for me. Yeah.
And so Kyle's just stalking around the backyard going, so, um, he comes back and, uh, he's like, Jesus Christ. And so they're talking about, are they going to party tonight? And Emeril's like, yeah, fuck yeah.
I'm down. I'll buy a table if you guys are down.
I'm Emeril. I'm a table buyer.
Yeah. So they're going to go out and everything.
They're going to change. They're going to talk about they're going to go out.
All that fun stuff. And Wes and Jesse are getting ready.
And Gabby's hanging out on their bed. They're playing with Gabby.
And then over in the other room, Amanda and Sierra are cleaning out the kitchen and they put the birthday cake in the oven because Sierra says that'll keep it fresh. Is that a thing? No.
That's literally not a thing. I'm not sure where that comes from.
Maybe it was really humid. noticed when when Kyle went outside, when he opened up the door, the door had condensation on it.

So maybe if it's really humid, they're worried that like keeping the cake out will not be good.

But they don't want to put the cake in the fridge or dry out.

Yeah, I think it just doesn't have room in the fridge.

So they're going to put it in the which makes sense.

Put it in the oven because it's like another cabinet, I guess.

Yeah.

But yeah, I don't think it would keep it fresh.

I was just praying that someone would preheat the oven just to see what would happen just to see the chaos so now people are leaving and page and craig are having their romantic night at home page is like my body hurts my body and my brain this situation with kyle's awkward and craig's like well i don't mean to fly off so fast but like he just wants to do it and i don't want it to be quick like, it's not going to be quick and like he doesn't deserve this convo so he can do it on my time. Oh, shut up.
It's such a stupid fight. It's so stupid and the fact that you're pulling this like power play when this is sort of the exact kind of like the language that he's using is the exact sort of thing that he complains about from Austin and Shep.
And so now just shows the hypocrisy. So everyone goes out to the bar.
It's fun. And then Paige is like asleep in the bed.
And Craig's like, are you sleeping? She's like, mm-hmm. Are you still sleeping? How about now, Craig? So it's 2.26 and people are arriving home and the kitchen is still a damn mess and uh jesse's like amanda's birthday over and carl's like guys this is serious god mac jeez there so they pick out and do their late night thing and they giggle and laugh and gabby's having the best time with them so then then the next day um west is talking about how he had so much fun with jesse and you know this is like the boys week like we're renewing it and so if that little fucking girlfriend comes in here and ruins it you know get in its rear view yeah and this is where jesse drunkenly is like we got to put the beds together so they like move the beds together because they're gonna have like a slumber party which is i thought it was cute except what drove me nuts was that he pushed the beds together he caused the rug to like rink not wrinkle like it rippled and he never smoothed out the ripple because i could still see it when they smushed the beds together and i was like how do you just stand there with a big ripple in your carpet that's it's like it's easy to do when it's not yours it It's like a rental house.
So like, who cares when you're drunk? Yeah. Yeah.
They got drip on it. Hey, my run ripple it.
Yeah. So they fall asleep together in this double bed situation.
Um, now in the morning, everyone wakes up cause that's what you do in the morning. And Paige is like, Oh my God, I don't feel good.
I had, I woke up feeling so sick and nauseous. And I think it's because I remembered that I hadn't broken up with you yet, Craig.
Yeah. I think I'm overexposed to you.
It's like radiation. So then Kyle's going for a run.
And she's like, oh my God, you're so chipper this morning. Is it because you didn't get wasted last night? Isn't it nice to wake up sober? and he's like uh not my first thing not my first time waking up sober but thanks but thanks god crack my arms hurt that's how i know i'm getting sick when my arms hurt um also when i see your face that's a good way to know that i'm gonna be getting sick soon so she's like yeah you feel awkward last night i mean i feel like it was really awkward he's like

yeah but like that guy said crazy shit like we're not as tired as we used to be and like if i didn't come out of the hamptons with you maybe we would never have made up because like he doesn't like deserve my friendship like so gross how does craig manage to go from so charming at in some seasons to just so gross.

I know.

Instantly.

And then he can swing back and forth.

It's amazing. Craig managed to go from so charming in some seasons to just so gross.

I know. Instantly.

And he can swing back and forth. It's amazing.

So easily. So easily.
It's like you

just go from being like, oh, but Craig is so sweet.

He's like a golden retriever to being like, oh, fuck you,

Craig. But I guess that's like the magic of Bravo.

Paige is like, I'm a little

annoyed with Craig for reasons between me and Craig

in our own relationship.

But now I have this extra layer of being mad at Craig

for avoiding this conversation with Kyle

and that's really stressing me out. My arms hurt

Thank you. no idea with Craig for like reasons between me and Craig and our own relationship.
But now I have this extra layer of being mad at Craig for avoiding this conversation with Kyle. And that's like really stressing me out.
Like my arms hurt so much from the stress and he's making me like more anxious. And I think that like what's making me mad is he's not realizing that he's making me anxious.
Also, I'm just starting to realize what if I'm like allergic to kangaroo that could explain a lot of this arm situation. He's like, well, I'm going to talk to Kyle, but it's on my terms, okay? Because I don't even think he knows how serious this conversation is going to be.
Okay, pillow man. All right.
So then we go back to, Kyle comes back from his run, and Jesse goes in and pours water all over Wes's bed to wake him up. And so they go work out.
And now someone's here with a pirate ship. Oh my God.
I'm so nervous because Lil's coming. Lil's coming to the party.
I don't know if you guys remember, but in the beginning of the episode, Lil, she was front loaded and she's pretty tall. And she sent me a selfie.
So it's huge, huge day for me. I'm like really nervous because a tall person named Lil, which is kind of like a oxymoron, she's like coming to the house and it's like I'm really nervous that she's coming and like I just want someone to hug me, but softly, but also heartily because she's coming and I want to go all out for Lil who I've never met before and I definitely haven't had sex with.
So like I'm just going to do shipwrecked. I'm going to have the meal party catered and there's going to be like there's going to be a sea cuterie.

See what I did there?

That was good.

Everything for Lil.

Everything for Lil.

Originally it was going to be called soft cuterie but it was

really hard to find only soft things to put on it.

I was going to do like a Lilithin party

where everyone comes dressed as Lil but then I realized no one knows who Lilith is. Maybe next year.
Just so nervous. The boat guys go build this huge boat in the backyard and Gabby and Emeril talk about what they're going to do.
He's like, do you want to go to the gym? She's like, I would rather eat the ranch off the floor. By the way, I'm Gabby.
Nice to meet you. He's like, yeah, no, we've met before.
Oh, I thought you were new this weekend. No, I've been here.
Just no one talks to me. So then now people are sitting around the bed and Amanda is like, Amanda's going through bikinis and stuff.
And it turns out that this is like her new gig is that she, you know, we knew last year that she wanted to step out and design a bathing suit line for women with larger bosoms.

And so now now it seems to be coming true because she was reached something called South Moon Under reached out to get her input on swimwear.

Yeah. So her job is Frankensteining together different bathing suit

pieces. It's just going to go perfectly with her line.
So then Gabby's like, well, I like the bottoms

more than the tops. I'm like, both of me and you, me and you both grow.
And Amanda's like, yeah,

so like I can change like anything about swimsuits, but like they just give me samples.

And then I'm like, put this one with that one. It's really hard.
Hi, y'all. So Gabby is saying, she's like, you know, as much as I have opinions and feelings about Carl, I'm really glad, because now they're watching Carl, by the way, in the backyard, as he's really smiling and so happy about this pirate ship.
And Gabby's saying that she's just like happy, like even though she's team Lindsay, she's happy that Carl seems to have like, I don't know, like a spark of life behind his eyes for the first time in like two years. So he's like, you know, she's like, it's like watching a baby take a first few steps.
Well, when you're just allowed to just go in there and stupidly spend money on a huge budget that makes no sense. And there's there to tell you that's a stupid idea you're gonna be happy well stop talking about his business let's talk about the pirate ship that's what i mean oh like who hires a pirate like an actual pirate ship for a pirate party you know what i mean like put the shark fins on the ground and call it a day he's like i'm gonna spend a hundred thousand dollars on this party we're gonna have

a pirate ship oh we're gonna have fireworks and a secutory and a girl named lil i'm gonna ask her to do the wave and she's gonna look like one of those things in front of the car wash it's just got air thronged.

So over

at the

gym, people are working out, and

Jesse's like, hey, Emerald,

it was kind of like shocking to see that you didn't get laid for the first time last night and it was like i know i'm a disappointment to myself i i'm gonna go crawl into a cave you won't see me for a while i'm a total failure yeah they're gonna send me back to the minors and And Kyle's like, hey, Emeril, you know, could you help wingman Carl? Yeah. Teach Lil what a swing is.
And they're like, yeah, bro. We're bringing like 20.
And Emeril says, yeah, bro. I'm bringing 20 girls to this party.
So. Wow.
Like, wow. So, you know, by the way, like, let's go.
Let's do it for Carl. Let's do it for Carl because these days I'm clear-headed, like one track, only on Lexi.
And Kyle's like, oh, did Lexi say anything? Like, hey, be good. And Jesse's like, um, yeah, I think specifically what she said was, don't you dare fucking look at another woman.
Otherwise, I am going to fly right down there and stab you in the eyeball with a chopstick, which is so cute. She's so cute when like that uh so yeah now they're talking about jesse and her and like if they're official or not and he's like well we haven't had like the official conversation like we're moving slow like we haven't had sex yet you know because like she just wants to have sex with people that she's exclusive with and i actually like that we got this info because that was kind of my question like you don't have to boo up immediately just don't have sex with her why is that such a problem so i guess that's what they're doing there you go yeah exactly masturbation never hurt nobody come on well carly i feel like there's gonna be a lot of girls this party and this could be like your last chance to survey the scene before an exclusivity cause is in the mix you know like really like open.
That worked really well for you. Great advice to be passing on.
Fuck Kyle. Jesse's like, oh yeah, don't even put that shit in my head.
So meanwhile, Paige walks outside and she's like, oh my god, this looks so good. Of course, I'm talking about my ensemble.
Everything ensemble everything else looks like shit around here Craig's gonna love this pirate ship because he's immature too and Craig's like oh my god it's a pirate ship that's fucking cool so the guys come back and Carl's like okay guys welcome back boys welcome back we're the boys so um we're gonna need all hands on deck uh to set up this party and so the guys just walk away and jump in the pool yeah i made a pun guys all hands on deck get it all well we're gonna be like making ocean with this like blue tarp and like in the middle we're gonna be building like a little island but like people are gonna come something by the way what does this vision that he has what it really turns into is that there's a giant blue tarp with a pile of dirt in the middle of it great what a fun time at a party hanging out on a tarp with some dirt yeah when they start start piling that dirt i was like i need to be an airbnb airbnb person that rents my house for this show because i would just be sitting here with a notebook like and ding and ding you just be page and page bnb oh dirt in the backyard on a tarp. Okay.
Ding, ding, ding. I bang.
So West dives in the pool. Like, no one's helping them.
Right. And Carl's like, well, I'm not going to ask Greg for help.
Whoa, probably steal your idea. He'll probably come out with a pirate company.
Yeah. So then, so Sierra's floating in the pool and Jesse is is like trying to get on her raft and she's like oh i knew you wouldn't be helping don't flip me over and he's like wow this is kind of like turning me on a little bit she's like what you're you're nuts she's like yeah sorry sorry you're a 10 she's like yeah we definitely flirt but like i mean i'm not into him but like 90 he'd probably take the chance if he got it so of course he would well first of all she's drop dead gorge and second of all it's jesse and part of me thinks that he is well first of all if he's like so gaga over lexi but the moment she's not there he's being super flirty and handsy with Ciara which honestly you can paint Lexi to be jealous but like if someone is selling you this love story and being like meeting your family and then then the moment you turn around they're being handsy with someone else I think she has a right to be a little annoyed by that if she did and I almost feel like he's doing it on purpose to get a rise out of her yeah some of it like the commentings and stuff like that, I think, okay, you're being a little overdramatic about caring about that.
But then he seems to be just kind of trying to go even harder to piss her off. Yeah.
Even though she's not there to see it. But I think he's playing games with her a little bit.
Like, because he knows that this is going to get back to her. He does know this.
And he knows it's being filmed. So I don't I don't trust this was this this moment here when he was sort of on top of Sierra I was like hmm this is not setting up future fights so he'll have it out absolutely they can blame her and be like she's just so jealous bro that's just crazy I can't deal with this it's too much for me right Yeah, so then they're, you know, Sierra now has a bell, and she's like ringing it for Carl.
And they're like, yeah, can we get a jingle for Carl? He's doing a great job. She's like, yeah, jingle, jingle.
And then Jesse's like, yeah, and can we get a jingle for Carl's wiener getting some action? And she's like, his wiener. And she just drops the bell.
He's like, oh my God, is that a good sign? Oh my God oh my god my wiener just fell a little short now it's a ship that gives things back now oh it's a hard bar it's a hard bar programming coming undone so now they're getting all dressed up um and uh for into pirate gear and jesse facetimes lexi and he's like hey what's up mama you like our fitzies yeah my my hat makes me feel like I'm like a doofus. She's like, oh my god, I think you look so good.
So, he's like, yeah, you know, as much as I'm enjoying boys weekend, I'm still thinking about Lexi. I miss her.
I want to talk to her. I don't want anything to jeopardize this.
I'm not going to try and get, to party. I'm not doing anything suspicious.
Could you get your hand off my boob? Sorry. Sorry.
Sierra. Meanwhile, I like that.
I like that. Sierra is always like for these parties.
She's like, you know, I'm a model and I don't need a whole bunch of pervy guys from Long Island trying to come on to me. So this time I'm going to dress like a giant bird.
She is. I like that too.
I liked it every single time. She's like, I'm going to make myself as unfuckable as possible for this party because half these people are from like Staten Island.
So she was like, no, cause you did that last year. I think during the alien thing, right? During the alien, she dresses like a big old alien so um now uh a bunch of people go into the kitchen and wes is like are you fred fringstone's wife and gabby's like um i'm hallie berry from die another day which doesn't really make sense with the pirate theme it's just i wanted a dress like her she's like yeah she's shipwrecked and so then she got stolen by pirates so whatever i have this wig and it looks really cute on me so fuck off she's like i'm not gonna dress like a pirate okay i said here's your tenuous link to the theme i will give it to you and you have to accept it so amanda and page start talking about craig and carl's stupid beef and uh page is like oh my god no like they're so emotional I'm just annoyed with Craig you know like we went to dinner and he fed me kangaroo not even kidding you and then he said I'm gonna be busy this fall but he wants to make sure our relationship is a priority fucking disgusting what a pig I mean it's like what yeah was like, what the fuck does that even mean? Like, I'm going to go, I'm like going on like a 35 city tour, not to Charleston.
Thank you very much. And I'm so nervous for it, like anxious.
And now I have to feel like you're going to like feel like your second best when you're the one bringing me to a kangaroo place. And Amanda's like, is he not supportive? Well, that's what I said.
i was like i want you to feel like you're a priority even though i mean it's great right but like work will always come first for a lot of things and like everything i'm doing this year is like what i've wanted since i was like five years old yeah she's like uh this is what i want and then she goes oh yeah and he said that he never thought he would be in the submissive of a relationship and am's like yeah that's not good she's like yeah so I have this feeling that when I'm on tour I'm gonna fucking hate Craig yep and and by what I'm going on you don't already hate Craig is what has me a little bit worried fuck this guy she does she does hate Craig already she's just starting to she's like it'll be too much like a it'll be too hard for America for me to see me just decide that I hate Craig.. She's just starting to, she's like, it'll be too much like a, it'll be too hard for America

for me to see me just decide

that I hate Craig.

So let me just prepare them

and I'll unleash my hatred for Craig

in a few months

when I'm hitting him currently right now.

Meanwhile,

Carl is in the kitchen

and he is trying to blow into a conch shell.

So he's like,

hold on,

hold on,

hold on, hold on, hold on one second. I gotta make this good before Lil gets here.
This is like really hard right now. I just have to blow softer.
This is what I got for ordering a soft conch. I'm really nervous.
So now the party starts and you you know the costumes are great everybody's like partying and lil comes and she's oh my god you're looking so good

what are you in guyliner yeah it works for you your eyes are like fucking pop you're like

you're like a lemur you you've got like lemur energy god i love fucking lemurs i'm a lemur

fucker so our question do lemurs engage with mindful consumption because that's pretty cool

All right. God, I love fucking lemurs.
I'm a lemur fucker. Question, do lemurs engage with mindful consumption?

Because that's pretty cool.

She's like, you're like a lemur from the movie Madagascar.

He's like, yeah.

Yeah, totally.

You've seen that.

Oh, yeah.

Is that a movie about me and Lindsay where you get mad and get scarred?

And then Carl is mad again, scarred. So, yeah, it's been happening to me for years.
It's a cycle. I mean, am I rusty? Yeah.
It's also my pirate name, by the way, rusty, rusty Carl. Am I awkward? Yeah.
But it's just me figuring out shit or just like adopting a persona for TV. I don't know.
I'm just nervous. So Jesse comes to meet her and she's like,'m well i'm a yoga and a fitness instructor and i really want carl to come to hot yoga with me i mean can we set some goals in life all right got you but have you ever fucked a lemur just me you know i want to do yoga but i feel like i want to go on a date with you first and then i'll do hot yoga i have a question can you do hot yoga when your stomach is full from pancakes on a Wednesday? Just curious.
And Jesse's like, guys, guys, who's got time today? Just like do it tonight. Hey, are you going to stay here tonight, Lil? Invite her over, Carl.
She goes, oh my God, is this your wingman? You should be a pigeon. I thought it was a lemur.
Yeah, well, you're a lemur and a pigeon together. You're a hybrid.
You're a terrible hybrid that was created in a mad scientist laboratory. This is getting a little scary.
I'm a little nervous about this. So then the girls are talking, and they're talking about Lil.
And she's like, yeah, well, Carl went to the soccer game by himself. And he sat next to this girl's parents.
And then they connected him. So, oh, my God.
They know each other because of her parents. She's like, correct.
Sarah's like, it's just so weird seeing him talk to another girl. You see Carl be like, oh, you want to blow this shit? And now he's carrying a mermaid through.
He's like, the mermaid's here. The mermaid's here.
No budget was, no cost was, no cost was spared. Sorry, I can't really speak English today.
I'm so excited about the mermaid. Sorry, I can't speak English anymore because I've taken on a new language known as corporate jargon.
I'll have that affidavit put into the synergy. Please, thank you very much.
And Lil's like, should I be worried? Because lemurs fuck mermaids. It's just how the world works.
So, a little worried here. You're either a mermaid or a pigeon.
I love that this was a parent setup. I think that's so funny.
That Carl just happened to go to a game and talk to the parents. They're like, we have a daughter.
You want to date her? Her name's Lil. No one will date her.
She's really into hot yoga. I said, honey, no one wants to go on a date

after hot yoga. You'll smell.
Am I

right? I mean, it takes a good hour and a half for her to

stop sweating. You'll like her.
You're

sober. You want to do it? Do Lil.

Well, at first I thought that

she was a young boy

rapper named Lil Ian.

Turns out her name is Lillian. So

a little confused there at first, but it all makes

sense now. So, Carl, Emeril is talkingillian.
So a little confused there at first, but it all makes sense now.

So Carl,

Emeril is talking to women.

That's exciting.

And then Paige and Craig are sitting on,

there's like this raft in the fake ocean.

They sit down on it and Paige is like,

if there's anything like a bed,

I'm going to find it.

God, my arms hurt so much.

He's like, yeah, you know what?

I feel like we're going to end up lost at sea one day.

Wouldn't that be amazing? You know know why because you can't do podcasts it's funny because I already befriended a volleyball just in anticipation I froze the volleyball too just in case so Paige is like um no I don't want to be lost at sea because like I don't do good on boats that are under 52 feet it's yachts only for me how are you feeling you feeling, chicken? Rhetorical question. You're supposed to ask me how I'm feeling, because I'm the one with hurting arms.
So do you feel like a priority? And he's like, yeah. You make me feel like a priority this weekend.
She goes, good. I try.
He's like, well, I didn't say you don't make me feel like a priority. I just said I hope I stay a priority.
Like, you know, like when you go on tour, like I don't want to like feel like i'm forgotten you know i'm a person with hurting arms would like to speak now um you said you were you're worried that i wasn't going to make you a priority uh he's like yeah tour thing yeah but i just i don't want you to like resent me because i'm working and like have like real success like my career is like way different than when we met and i just i don't feel bad about that craig yeah but like it makes me feel like i can't bring stuff up to you because like it's going to be an attack or like I'm not rooting for you look I'm rooting for you as single page to have a career it's just like I'm rooting for you as married page with babies to never have a career do you understand yeah but like when you bring up stuff it's always like hey can we have a hive of killer bees in the backyard and I'm like no i don't want that like like negative 1000 you know it's like yeah but like it makes me want to not bring stuff up like i think you're gonna like attack me or like i don't know like like that i'm not rooting for her and like it's really not that it's just i'm just asking for like some clarity on nothing in particular i just making sure that like after our three, we're still good and that's going to happen with us.

Do we have status check-ins or a year-end

review or something? How do we do this?

It's like, yeah, I'll give you a yearly

review and then I'll let you know if you're fired or not.

By the way, it's coming up in

September.

Okay. Fucking Craig.
I mean mean i have to say they're really good at making you root for her to break up with craig because i'm just ready to see her about fucking craig already what a douche oh i love the looks that she gives like the i just love how craig was what it does the free side what it's up to freeze oh we're back oh yeah i mean, I love how Craig was so blindsided when it's just like all there on screen. Like, like just every look that she gives like, uh-huh.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Failure. Well, that was, everyone.
Thanks for listening. Um, our Southern charm recap will be up on Saturday at some point, like after the show, probably maybe even Sunday morning.

Who knows?

So if you're wondering where it is tomorrow, that's where it is.

Thanks for your patience on that.

And of course, if you're in North Carolina in the Charlotte region, then come see us because it's fun.

And we're gonna have a great time on Saturday night there in Charlotte.

And then in Atlanta, we have Classic Orange County.

We'll have a great time there as well.

All weekend will be fantastic.

Catch you on the road

or just catch you here on the next episode.

Bye, everyone.

Bye.

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