#2770 Denise Richards and her Wild Things S0105: You Put My Love On Top (Chef)

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Speaker 2 Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today, it's Ronnie Caram.
Hi, Ronnie. How are you?

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 2 We are recapping Denise Richards under Wild Things Season 1, episode 5. Yes, Chef is the name of the episode.

Speaker 2 Quick reminder, we're going to be in Charlotte and Atlanta this week. So come see us there.
Go to watchwalkcrappens.com to get your tickets. We'll be recapping Southern Trump finale.
And then in,

Speaker 2 that's in Charlotte. And then in Atlanta, we're going to be doing classic Real Housewives of

Speaker 2 Orange County.

Speaker 2 um and that is going to be the episode season 11 episode 16 bringing up old ghosts so we're gonna have a great time in both cities go to watchcrappins.com to get your tickets so now let us go on to this episode of denise richards wild things like a little frothy 30-minute show to dive into midweek yeah so a little bon mart if you will yeah denise richards is very funny i mean again this this these are this is not the sort of show that i now naturally gravitate towards, but she is very, very funny on camera.

Speaker 2 And she is, I'm definitely chuckling a lot more than I thought I would.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So we opened with one of her confessionals and she's like, well, you know, I'm not crazy when it comes to getting facial stuff done.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've done a little Botox here and there, maybe like once a year or something.

Speaker 1 But, you know, when I heard of this salmon sperm facial, I thought, God, that's the craziest fucking thing I ever heard. You know, it was fucked a salmon, you know? I even thought of that?

Speaker 1 But someone did and saved up the sperm, put it in my goddamn face. Now look at me.
People are like, did you get it? Did you get something done? I said, a sperm came on my face.

Speaker 1 The salmon came on my face. How about you? Makes you look at bagels a little differently, huh?

Speaker 2 So then we get the opening credits, and then we're in Denise's bedroom, and she and Aaron are sitting together, and he is in his gray wardrobe.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 he has like a little helmet on because of of course like i'm surprised it actually took us this many years to finally see aaron in a helmet like like this feels like it should have been part of like how we met him initially just a helmet with a red glow coming out of it at 50 something years old his head his head's still just too mushy he's got to reshape it every night god bless him it's the 5g

Speaker 2 Yeah, so he's doing like, he has got a hair helmet on, and Denise is like rubbing her face with some sort of, she calls it a face gym

Speaker 2 which is supposed to stimulate the muscles that keep them tight and young and all that fun stuff yeah

Speaker 1 I wish that I could

Speaker 1 I'm really susceptible to buying all of this stuff on the face it's mostly on the Facebook you know and I only have Facebook really for works you know for reading watch what crap in the comments but you know I'm still on there and I'll still watch it for the animals hugging animal videos and stuff like that but um I'm susceptible to all of this crap I have so much of this crap so many of these machines and gadgets and red light this and like I just got a hair removal system, which I've used once because it takes forever.

Speaker 1 I'm like, it takes less time to shave than it does using this thing all the time. I'm like, and I got one of these like face gym things that shocks your face.

Speaker 1 And I put it on my face and it literally electrocuted me. And then I was telling my friend and she's like, oh, you have to put this kind of like

Speaker 1 conducting fluid on your face or it'll shock you. And I was like, well, why didn't anybody tell me? And she's like, you have to read the instructions.

Speaker 1 Anyway, the point is I have all this shit that I just don't use, but I still was like, I want both of those things.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, I mean, look, it's doing great work for you.
Every, everywhere we go, people are like, Ronnie, your skin is amazing.

Speaker 2 And then they turn to me and they're like, loved your work as the shepherd and babe.

Speaker 2 So she's rubbing her face with this dildo-like thing. And she's like, am I turning you on? He's like, yeah.

Speaker 2 She's like, it's a face gym, which makes, which makes fucking sense because there's muscles in your face and you've got a helmet on your head.

Speaker 2 So between your gym and my, my gym and your helmet, we're just two fucking hot people right now. He's like,

Speaker 1 the things you do when you get up there, huh? Yeah, that's fucking crazy. So she's like, anyway, so you know, Brooke Williamson from Top Chef, you know, you know how obsessed we are.

Speaker 1 You know how you jerk off every time I watch her on a food map where it has fun, you know?

Speaker 1 I will say, Aaron has given me a lot of facials, but he's nowhere close to the salmon. Hey, you know what? Do you think they got that salmon to watch Brooke Williams?

Speaker 1 God, Brooke Williams has actually made me look 10 years younger. I need to have her over to thank her.

Speaker 2 I couldn't believe it. So I couldn't, I was blown away that Brooke Williamson was commenting on my video.
And we see

Speaker 2 Denise doing another one of her shitty, shitty cooking videos.

Speaker 2 I love that she's messing up. I think that's, I think that we should see more mess-ups in the kitchen, but Denise is really just kind of like

Speaker 2 making play-doh or something like that. Like things are flying out of the, out of the stand mixer.
There's like lop on the wall.

Speaker 2 It's like, well, turns out I don't know how to make a cake out of lettuce, but I tried. And that's the most important part.
Brooke is like, love your work. It's so great.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And she goes, let's do this together next time.
I'm here for you.

Speaker 1 So she's like, well, you know, I commented back and she follows me on Instagram. That's amazing.
She knows who I am. You know, he's like, yeah, it's

Speaker 1 kind of funny. I mean, that's cute.

Speaker 1 Who are we talking about again? The lady you jerk off to on Food Network. He's like, the one with the blonde, spiky hair and the me socks.
No.

Speaker 1 The kind of gargoyle style lady that's always really mean on

Speaker 1 the competition show. It's like, no, that's Alex Cornicelli, honey.

Speaker 2 Oh, the one with the very big head, but the small body who's always passive-aggressive to her sister when she goes like, no, that's Janet DeLaurentis, not her.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, to be honest, you do jerk off to the the one with the blonde spiky hair skin, too.

Speaker 1 She doesn't follow me on Instagram, so.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I can't help it. When she gets her camp counselor voice on, I just get so aroused.
Strange.

Speaker 1 So, um, but please just don't ever jerk off to Guy Fieti again. You know, we, we do have to have some lines that we don't cross in the stream.

Speaker 2 So, uh, Denise is so excited that Brooke follows her on Instagram.

Speaker 2 What's so funny about Denise is that Denise is a celebrity in her own right, and she was famous before Bravo, and and she will be famous after and she's like starstruck that like some like that a top chef person follows her and later on when she mentions that her hall pass is Brad Pitt it's just it's so funny the way she talks like like one of us like if I ever met a celebrity that would be my hall pass it's like you are a celebrity you're a lot like you are people's hall pass you know um

Speaker 2 So I just thought that was cute. So she's still doing her face gym.
She's like, you know, I really want to get my own cooking show. I'm past trying to be subtle about it.

Speaker 2 I'm just, I'm just going to be blatant. I want to get a cooking show because I've watched a lot of Food Network.

Speaker 2 And even though I have holes in my pasta when I make it, I know I'm about 10 times better than anyone I see on that network these days. So come on, what's the girl got to do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no kidding. She probably is too.

Speaker 1 So she's like, yeah, yeah, hopefully I can do it. I don't want my show.
You know, I know I'm a disaster. He's like, you're not a disaster.
Stop saying that.

Speaker 1 Oh, by the way, my mom called up and said that her rent is late on the town on the house in Malibu. So

Speaker 2 get that paid. You know, I think that people, well, first of all, fuck your parents.
Not literally, of course.

Speaker 2 Relax.

Speaker 2 Second of all, you know, I think people want to see a cooking show with someone like me. People want to see mistakes.
That's human.

Speaker 2 You know, like the time I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with KY jelly, turns out not edible.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got to try it. How else are you supposed to know? You know, first I need to figure out my face, I guess.
Oh, hey, you want me to put my face, Jim, on your balls?

Speaker 1 And he's like, actually, would you? That sounds stimulating guys could you leave the room we're gonna fuck now she's gonna fuck me with this face face gym

Speaker 2 he's like we're kind of alone and then he showed like a wide shot of like a cameraman zooming like just holding a camera up to them while he's got like a boner is like rising like all right we're gonna have we're gonna have some sex now so we're gonna do that they're like bye this is one of the few times like this is a thing that happens on bravo a lot where they film like a couple of films a sexy scene together and it's like yeah let's get it on but you know it's all fake because there's like four people there's there's like a cameraman a sound man there's a producer like this is not about to turn into sex but in this case i actually fully believe that when they kicked out the crew they just started to they just started to blink yeah i mean yeah

Speaker 1 with the face gym listen you know you've been together long enough that you need new shit to start happening if face gym on my nuts it is Let's get this going.

Speaker 1 So now she's driving Lola and Eloise and they're going to go see Sammy because she's just had her nose surgery. So

Speaker 1 she's like, so did you see your sister posted about her nose? Did you see it? And she's like, yeah, I saw it on TikTok. I mean, where else would I see it? She's not going to tell me about it.

Speaker 1 So I saw it on TikTok.

Speaker 2 So Sammy, who is was really all about being very discreet about having a nose job because last time she got so much input and she just wanted to be subtle about this is now on TikTok and she's saying things like, oh my God, like, and she has a bandage on her nose and she's like bruised under her eyes.

Speaker 2 She's like, you guys,

Speaker 2 I will say this my eyes look so pretty like one thing i love about the bruising is that it really makes my eyes pop

Speaker 2 i'm to love her

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 i forget that i thought that was so good so then uh denise is like oh does it hurt your feelings honey that she didn't share it with you because you know she could have told you and she didn't or you hurt no why would i care as long as she shared it with jesus hopefully he was there to help her through it oh god you know even though lola already knew it would have been nice for a sister to be like, by the way, I just had my nose done and just wanted you to know.

Speaker 1 I mean, God, are we sisters or not?

Speaker 2 Hey, you're excited to see Sammy's place. Well, I just want my

Speaker 2 top pack that she stole. This is my favorite blue tank top that she took out of my bag at a hotel and I never saw it again.
Like the color and the size like fit perfectly.

Speaker 2 And like I asked her several times to look at it. And then we see like a picture of her in this tank top, like the special, special tank top of the gods.

Speaker 2 And she's like, you know, just like, you know, it's like it really means a lot to me.

Speaker 2 Sammy's like, I have have no idea what she's talking about.

Speaker 1 I don't want any more than that. I think what I'm goddamn sure she's talking about.
Like, oh, you really want to make today about a blue tank top, honey? But I don't really want my ting top back, mom.

Speaker 1 Lola, stop.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 So Sammy's falling apart.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And Sammy's just cleaning.
She's like, well, she's taking stuff out of a bag. She's doing something.
She's got like a mess on the floor.

Speaker 2 And Denise is like, hey, so Eloise and Lola and I are coming to drop off gifts. Like, um, yeah, yeah, well, I, I'm not gonna, no, I don't want Lola up in my apartment.

Speaker 2 Like, even though I know we shook hands at a fish shack, I just don't really feel comfortable having her in my apartment yet. So, I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to deny her.

Speaker 2 So, Denise is like, oh, well, okay, well, that's too bad. I'm like, if that were my mom, my mom would be like, now you listen here, Sammy.
She is your sister and she's coming to your apartment.

Speaker 2 I don't want to hear anything about it. But I can't believe Denise is just like, okay, well, this is a totally obnoxious move, but I guess I can't do anything about it.
Oh, well.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 uh so lola's like see i told you she wouldn't want to see me she's probably wearing my tank top like hey it's pretty rude honey i'm really sorry about really want my tank top back it's so cute why else am i gonna get a light blue tank top by the way she's wearing a light top a light blue tank top right now in this scene she's like it's just like miss it was like i really like that tank top and it's just like really so sad and i prayed to jesus about it so many times i was like i'm praying about the tank top that will come back into my life and jesus is like why are you so like concerned about material things i'm like thank you for acknowledging it's a it was a good material on me.

Speaker 2 And he was like, I don't think you got my point. I was like, I do get your point.
I just want my tank top back. And she's like, Lola, you have to stop.

Speaker 1 And she's like, mom, what?

Speaker 2 Just get my tank top back, please.

Speaker 1 Jesus. Finally, I'm converting you.
So we go to Sammy's apartment and she says hi to Eloise. She's like, hi, Eloise.
What's on my face? Do I look scary? And she's like, yeah.

Speaker 1 Eloise, like inner, Eloise's inner thoughts. You're like, yeah, you fucking do.

Speaker 1 But I'm still traumatized for mom's only fan pictures being on my ipad so we're good i'm just trying not to make eye contact with any of you people so

Speaker 2 so then um like eloise i gives her flowers and sammy's like oh thank you eloise that's so sweet she's like they're from lola she's like oh i thought they're from eloise she's like well i'll tell lola you like them she's like please don't

Speaker 1 No, she's like, yeah, one of the main reasons I started my OnlyFans was to have my own money to get my own apartment, a new car and my boobs done and a new nose. So I'm really checking off the list

Speaker 2 you know i love that sammy is becoming a strong woman and she's just you know she's a little stubborn you know and um we got to lola sitting downstairs in like the lobby

Speaker 2 just waiting for her mom to be done talking shooting her scene with lola but actually i mean with uh sammy but lola actually seems quite content she's just even like having some avocado toasts yeah she's just chilling with some avocado toast and coffee looking at her phone she doesn't care

Speaker 1 if you're going to be completely you know othered by your sister, at least she has a decent lobby to hang out in.

Speaker 2 At least give me a taco.

Speaker 2 Oh, am I going to have avocado toast after this? As soon as I said that, I was like, I would love some avocado toast right now.

Speaker 1 So Sammy's like, I don't even know what fucking tank top she's talking about. Ask her about half the shit she stole from my closet.
Like, I have like a light up corset. Where's that?

Speaker 1 You know, where's my fucking neon thong? Ask her about that.

Speaker 2 You know, it was much easier when they were younger. You know, I could just like make the girls apologize.
It's not for something stupid, some fucking bullshit like clothing and jewelry.

Speaker 2 But, you know, nowadays, still one tank top. It's goddamn World War II.
I can't do anything about it. You know, it's a lot I've got to juggle.
Aaron's balls, my daughters.

Speaker 2 That's too much for someone.

Speaker 1 Tank top. It's time for a commercial.
It's time for a crappin' commercial.

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Speaker 1 So now let's go to the Barcelona Bar

Speaker 1 where Kathy Hilton is coming to meet Denise for drinks. And she's like, I'm all the char name.
Okay, char name.

Speaker 1 Something to relax my shoulders. Right.
i just found out you're not supposed to be putting putting blush on your lips i feel like a new woman

Speaker 2 uh so then um denise denise and kathy just like chatting about their kids and everything and denise is like yeah no my daughters they could not be more different okay ones one's on only fans one is doing prayers for taco tuesday it is a wild ride over there

Speaker 1 and she's talking about how she likes that kathy has fucked up kids too because she understands, you know, and she's like, you know, Sammy was just so out of control and it started really affecting Lola and Aloise.

Speaker 1 And Kathy's like, well, you know, Paris was like that. And I think now she's starting to realize that she was totally out of control.
I mean, she would be gone for days skipping school.

Speaker 1 That girl was a runner. You know, she was a runner.
She ran from so many schools. Finally, I had Dr.
Phil kidnap her.

Speaker 1 in a white van and take her away and i don't know chain her up to something and that seemed to help a little bit she learned to dj so that was good, whatever that means. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, I am so proud of her. She has taken her pain and turned it into a purpose.
She is just,

Speaker 2 I guess, just living life doing not really much these days. But you know what? When it comes to Paris,

Speaker 2 just doing the bare minimum, I'm happy for her.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So then

Speaker 1 server comes up and he's like, oh, do you want some prickly pear juice? And she's like, oh, prickly, what's that? It's like a pear. Why was that?

Speaker 1 Why has it got prickles on it that doesn't sound right it's like it's a kind of fruit map yeah i don't believe that

Speaker 1 prickles you know i've had enough prick today all right have you ever used a face workout on a dude's nuts good god

Speaker 1 by the way do i look younger not particularly well that didn't work i had to try it

Speaker 2 you do smell fishier though i was wondering if there was we were seated next to a dumpster um so the server comes by and he's like and so he starts starts pouring these prickly pears shots like right from out of this jug from the spout directly into their mouths.

Speaker 2 I was like,

Speaker 2 can we use a glass?

Speaker 1 Have we forgotten about infectious diseases?

Speaker 2 Because that spout full-on touched Kathy's lips. And I'm like,

Speaker 2 no, we got Kathy Hilton's blush lips all over the rim of that thing. And anytime you pour prickly pear juice into anyone's mouth, you're getting Kathy's blush.
And I'm not down with that.

Speaker 1 And Denise is like, well, this ain't my first time at this row. rodeo going

Speaker 1 cats is like i like some more of that so that was a wacky scene so then we go to denise in her kitchen and brooch comes over and she's like hey it's me brooke

Speaker 1 i was so nervous to meet you i'm so starstruck brooks

Speaker 2 oh god i love you my husband has masturbated you so many times it's how weird to say he's gonna be here soon hopefully he'll keep it in his pants am i right right yeah i i don't know if you've heard this before before but i really want a cooking show and like i just learned so much from you and just like you were just you were just kind enough to comment on some of my videos like don't put the spoon into the microwave that was that was funny it's too late but you know it was funny and i'm just so you know i'm so used to people saying negative stuff like if you don't cook the chicken you're gonna poison people or i can't believe you uh serve that rancid meat to all your friends and you know i'm just i don't know i get so insecure now

Speaker 1 i really like the one where you told me that lizards don't eat paella kind of saved me a lot of cleanup. So thanks for that.

Speaker 1 You know, I watch all your stuff online, you know, all the TV shows and stuff that you're on. You know, husband gets so horny.

Speaker 1 And yeah, listen, he's never been as horny as when he watches what he calls Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dicks. He really loved that one.
You know, that guy guy? Don't ever introduce him to Aaron.

Speaker 2 Don't want you. Yeah.
Yeah. Aaron, Aaron says he always talks about Triple D.

Speaker 2 And it turns out it has a lot of meanings for him. So yeah, he loves it.

Speaker 2 And Brooke is like, oh, that's great. This is really exciting.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to work on keeping my enthusiasm high because Bravo wants me to appear on your show right now to help promote the fact that there's a new season of top chef. So yeah, God, I love that.

Speaker 2 Those chefs, they really don't mess up on that show. Have they ever thought about having a show called Bottom Chef? Because I think I'm going to be really good on that one.

Speaker 1 You know, let me tell you, I know about a lot of bottoms. They're good cooks.
I don't know where it comes from.

Speaker 2 You know, I've worked with huge movie stars. Okay.
My first day on the James Bond movie, I worked with Judy Dench, and she threw an apple core at my head. And she said, get out of here, peasant.

Speaker 2 God, that was so fun. And I was just, I was peeing my pants, quite literally.

Speaker 2 I mean, Judy was, Judy, Judy was like, God, I'm Judy Dench, but you could be called Judy Stench, which I thought was, that was a little on the meaner side.

Speaker 2 But, you know, it was an honor to be, to be working with her.

Speaker 1 I say, hey, Judy Dench, why don't you talk much? And she said, because I have actual lines in this film, you stupid slag. And then she threw me a sweater and told me to get off the set.
So it was fun.

Speaker 1 That was a good one.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 But I, you know, I think, you know, I think what makes me feel vulnerable being with a celebrity chef is that what, you know, I watch on TV is that it's, I'm just out of my comfort zone, you know, like she's not throwing a tuna sandwich at my head.

Speaker 2 She's not, she's not asking me where I went to acting school. And then just to give me a little chuckle afterwards when I say I, I taught myself.

Speaker 2 She's just happy to see me. And I don't know what to do with that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So she's like, well, we're going to make something out of your cookbook with figs. So that's going to be fun.
She goes, yeah, it's really fun. You know, have you ever heard of a prickly fig?

Speaker 1 Do they have those? Or your figs just not fucking freaky like that?

Speaker 1 I had a pair earlier. They couldn't stop getting a boner around me.

Speaker 1 Question. That's about

Speaker 2 what? Okay, question.

Speaker 2 If we cut a fig in half and scoop out the inside and put the top of it onto my squirrel friend out there, will he get more hair on his head? It'll be like a little squirrel hair helmet.

Speaker 1 Just wondering.

Speaker 1 I'm going to fuck aaron with a a prickly fig later you got me on you

Speaker 1 so all right what figs let's do that it's like yeah uh it's fun you know it's relatively simple oh god that was my first film review someone called me relatively simple was that a compliment

Speaker 2 it was written by judy dench i didn't even know she did film criticism uh did arrive on a sticky note i was on my dressing room door maybe it wasn't film criticism now that i think about it

Speaker 1 she also spray spray-painted asshole on my car. That's the last time I pay for a Porsche.

Speaker 1 I'm a waste of money.

Speaker 2 So Brooke's like, all right, well, we're going to do a spicy cucumber passion fruit mascal margarita. I don't know what half those things are, and it sounds like too much.

Speaker 2 Why can't we just do a shot of tequila? It's much faster, but whatever. It sounds delicious.

Speaker 1 So we see them cooking and, you know, preparing this margarita stuff and saying, oh, wow, that's great. Uh-oh, boner's here.
And Aaron comes in.

Speaker 1 He's like, hey, guys, hey, I'm just taking all of Denise's clothes and handing them to my family back in Malibu. How's everything going in here, guys?

Speaker 2 How's it going? It's great. We made margaritas.

Speaker 2 I know what you're thinking. Is this another one of my ecto-cooler and vodka cocktails? But no, this is a real margarita.
And you're going to enjoy it.

Speaker 1 Oh, Denise, I hope you don't mind. My husband really wants to meet you.
He's like, oh, I've known so much about you. I watch your show every night, you know, know, because she has it on every night.

Speaker 1 She's like, yeah, you like watching it too, honey. Let's not pretend.
Listen, he watches it one-handed. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm not going to lie. I get pretty turned on.
I jerk off with my left hand and I hold a magnet on my forehead with my right hand. It's pretty intense.

Speaker 1 So tell me,

Speaker 1 Verizon or Cricket?

Speaker 1 Excuse me? One's 5G and one's not. What's your answer going to be? Do not give me a softie right now.
I'm basically tinted. I'm tinted and ready to to go.

Speaker 2 She's like,

Speaker 2 is Mint Mobile an option? That, ma'am, is the correct answer. I knew I jerked off to you for a reason.

Speaker 1 So he's like, what's going on? And she's like, oh, hey, by the way, you're my husband's hall pass. If you don't know what that is, that's when he can fuck somebody.
All right. It's a celebrity.

Speaker 1 Is this you? He's going to fuck you. My husband wants to fuck you.
Are we getting all this on the iPhone? Good.

Speaker 2 I asked her, Judy, who her hall pass was, and she said Anthony Hopkins. She was actually very forthcoming about it.
It was shocking.

Speaker 1 You know, it was kind of flattering me because she told me that I'm her only pass. So that was nice.
Every time I came out on set, she would just go, pass.

Speaker 1 It was nice. My sleeve.

Speaker 2 She's a real sweetheart underneath it all. Kind of looks like an owl in like a tutorial.
You know, if they're teaching you, like, here's the owl to tell you something. She kind of looks like that.

Speaker 2 But I like it. I need a tutorial.

Speaker 1 Have you ever heard of owl sperm being used on anything? Try that out. Hey, Brooke, you could give an owl a boner.
Hey, would you try it, actually?

Speaker 2 You know, Judy didn't really like it very much when I mashed up some salmon row and tried to spread it on her forehead.

Speaker 2 She had to have a consultation with the producers, and I got a reprimand, but it was worth it because she had lovely skin, actually.

Speaker 1 You know, Aaron has a crush on her, and that's okay. And he's like, well, she's a beautiful woman.
Well, okay, here's my all pass. Brad Pitt.

Speaker 1 You know what I really love about him? Not only is he fucking hot, he's just so good with kids.

Speaker 2 You know, I loved him in that movie about upstate New York. What was it called? Troy? Great movie.

Speaker 1 That was a good one. Watch your ankles.
You know, Scott, speaking of bottoms in the kitchen.

Speaker 2 You know, the thing is this, I love animals. I welcome every animal into my house.
So when Brad did a movie called 12 Monkeys, I mean, I've had a lady boner ever since.

Speaker 1 Dad. You know, it's funny when Brooke went to rehab, she left 12 monkeys in a cage

Speaker 1 on my doorstep. Fucking bitch

Speaker 2 i bounced on a talent we put them in the master suite

Speaker 2 and i then i got a bunch of little hats i named one of them judy and then immediately as soon as i did that the monkey stopped talking to me it was very very strange

Speaker 1 she's like all right so aaron's like well you know i mean it was nice you got to hang out with her she was lovely babe lovely yeah i'm gonna go pee while you finish talking about your hall pal probably gonna do it on a salmon or something return the favor

Speaker 2 she literally gets up and pees

Speaker 2 so though uh aaron's like uh thank you for this margarita it's delicious i can't even get the words out of my mouth because i am so sexually aroused by you right now and brooch's like oh great um well i don't know if i've ever been anyone's hall pass i don't know if i'm even my husband's hall pass oh anyway i'm really honored

Speaker 1 yeah you really wanted to come did you come honey Did you come? Keep trying. Just through your pants.
We don't want to be disgusting, but you know, Brooke, could you just stand there?

Speaker 1 What? Yeah, hold the prickly fig. Hold the prickly.
All right. He's almost done.
And Aaron, Aaron. Okay, he came.
Aaron, don't wipe yourself off. Brooke, this was great.

Speaker 2 We like to collect a sperm. We use half of it to make our skins look better and half of it to make our own types of margaritas.
God, we really need our own cooking show. We really do.

Speaker 1 Oh, so Brooke's like, okay, now the real recipes. Now, listen, I've spent so much time testing these and I'm going to make them user-friendly.
Okay, so how about you make these recipes?

Speaker 1 I would love that. So today is Black Mission Figs with Pistachio Relish and Warm Honey Chorizo.

Speaker 2 I was, when I, when she said that, I was like, this is so chefy. I'm like over it.

Speaker 1 So then Denise is like, you know, just an everyman dish. Black mission figs with pistachio relish and honey chorizo.

Speaker 2 I was like, figs are like only good for like one week a year. This is a ridiculous recipe.
Denise is like, okay, I'm going to heat the pan. All right.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 2 So what piece of meat goes into the blender? She's like, um, there's no meat and we don't need a blender. Are you sure? What if I put the blender in the oven? How about that?

Speaker 2 That's a nice touch, right? She's like, no, just preheat the pan. Can you do that? She's like, well,

Speaker 2 you preheat pan. Is that a thing that people do? You preheat a pan?

Speaker 2 What if I burn it?

Speaker 1 Because I burn everything.

Speaker 1 Hang on, there's a weird sausage casing. It looks like a condom.
Aaron won't wear those. What do you think about that? Aaron, come in here and fill it up.
He won't. He won't, even for you, Brooke.

Speaker 2 How about we take, okay, how about we slice open this sausage, take the meat, put it on some rice and be like, sushi, sausage, sushi.

Speaker 2 That's raw, raw sausage meat. Yeah, it's like sushi, right? No, but you can't have that.

Speaker 2 Look, when I get my cooking show, this is the first recipe I make. And I tell you, people are going to love it.

Speaker 1 And Brooke's like, look at me just standing here drinking a margarita while you make the peanut butter and jelly sandwich of the chef world. Most simple dish of all time am i right

Speaker 2 it's amazing so she's like my thing here when i made this when i made this cookbook i really wanted it for regular simpletons so i'm just gonna sit here and i'm not gonna do a single thing because i want to see how well you can do my dish it'll be hilarious okay well you're not chopping that right okay i'll just take over i'll take over because then bricks does everything yes he does she's like do you know how to mint a shallot she's like why why would a shallot need a mint i mean what is that bad breath what What is a shallot?

Speaker 1 Is that a type of animal? It's a shallot or mouse. What is it?

Speaker 2 It's like, okay. Is that like the girl who's on Cheers, Shallot Long? No, no, that's not going to dignify that answer.

Speaker 1 God, I hated that bitch.

Speaker 1 I almost kicked her ass at a club one time. I said, get the stick out of your ass.

Speaker 2 God, I'll tell you one thing. That's how Judy Dench and I finally bombed it.
She hates her too.

Speaker 2 You know, fun story. Christmas, Dr.
Christmas Jones was originally supposed to be played by Shelly Long, and she was such a bi-atch that Judy insisted that she get kicked off the movie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Judy Dench called her Shelly long-winded C-word. That was pretty good.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, what a fun time we had. So they make this thing, and

Speaker 2 I was like, ugh, this recipe is so chefy. And then when it was done, I was like, that looks amazing.
I want to make it.

Speaker 2 I was like, damn it, it looks so good. Do I have to get Brooks' cookbook? Because no, I want to buy it.
I don't need more cookbooks.

Speaker 1 but based on that recipe alone i was like fuck this promotion worked a hundred percent on me and denise is like you know out of all the cooking videos i've done this is the first time i've ever finished and actually aaron finished too you finished right

Speaker 2 Brooke is like, I'm highly disturbed.

Speaker 2 But honestly, for me as a chef, watching you pull this whole thing together and by you pulling it together, I mean watching me as I cooked for you, even though you were so unsure of yourself, it was just so wonderful and satisfying.

Speaker 2 And it's a real testament to how great my cookbook is, which is available on Amazon now.

Speaker 1 So she leaves. And then now Denise and Sammy are writing to post-op to check on her nose because she's still got her bandages on.
So she's like, are you excited, honey?

Speaker 1 You're about to see your new baby nose. She's like, yeah, but I'm also nervous because like, oh my God, what if my nose is too skinny now? Like, what if you took too much?

Speaker 1 I mean, we never should have trusted a guy that looked like Steve Corell in the office. Like, why are we doing this?

Speaker 2 You know, I would spend hours every day just like editing my nose before I could post photos publicly. I just hate my nose.
I hate that enormous, massive bump in my nose.

Speaker 2 You know, with my boobs, it was like fine, but like this, this, this, this changes everything. This changes my life.
And Denise is like, really? But, you know, I loved your old nose. It was great.

Speaker 2 I mean, she said, well, it's gone forever. Thank God, mother.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So they go to the doctor and he's like, hello.
He does that real tight Steve Corell smile. He's like, how are we doing in here? Looking at the camera.
Like, here we go, guys. Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 1 Let's start removing that bandage. Like, oh my God, I'm so scared.
What if my nose is horrible? No one's ever going to want to fuck my nose again. This is terrible.

Speaker 2 And so she's really happy and she's saying how she wanted it for so long. And this is how she would, she's like, this is exactly how I would face tune it.
It's amazing. I'm like pre-facetuned.

Speaker 2 But like, it felt, I mean, my instinct was to be like, this is so silly. They took like a fraction of an, like, of a centimeter off of it.

Speaker 2 But that being said, you know, when you're insecure about a body part, I get it. I get it.
So I was actually happy for her.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Denise is like, oh my God, honey, I'm crying.
Yeah, you included me. I was so nice.
You included the woman who ruined your life by having the most perfect nose on earth.

Speaker 1 Every day I would go to bed and I'd say, God, if you're there, one, please tell Emilio Estervez to stop sending me memes because really.

Speaker 1 And two, just, God, give my,

Speaker 1 share my nose with other people. It doesn't have to just stay on me.
Give other people the opportunity to have such a fucking amazing nose on my brain, honey.

Speaker 2 You know, it's so hard as a mom to see Sammy not know how other people see her and how beautiful she really, really is.

Speaker 2 And I had to remember how I felt at 19 when I had my surgery and thinking how insecure I was, but knowing that someday I would cross paths with Judy Dench and I just have much bigger tits than her.

Speaker 2 And that really made me happy.

Speaker 1 You know, I told her, honey, how can you not know how much people love you?

Speaker 1 I mean, you've literally got thousands of people jerking off to you every day what do you want you're like the brooke williamson of only fans

Speaker 2 so uh so sammy's like this is literally the best day of my life she's so happy that she starts talking like lola and did you notice that her voice changed her like her high like the lilting voice that is somehow hereditary between like denise and charlie sheen like comes back like so sammy goes from being like oh i'm sammy to like this is literally like the best day of of my life.

Speaker 2 Like, I am so happy right now.

Speaker 2 I'm so happy I became wholesome like Lola for one brief second, but it's gonna go away tomorrow.

Speaker 1 But for right now, I'm wholesome.

Speaker 1 She's like, well, I'm happy you included me. She says, Well, I just didn't want you in my surgery because you have so much anxiety about dying under anesthesia.
She goes, I'm not afraid of dying.

Speaker 1 I'm just afraid they're going to put me under, and I'm never going to wake up again.

Speaker 1 Mom, that's what dying is. She's like, ow.

Speaker 2 And then next week, she's Denise, I window top 1% of creators on OnlyFans. And then Aaron's doing a photo shoot for Denise and he's like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then we see Patrick Muldoon and he went

Speaker 2 for.

Speaker 2 I feel like we should not have seen Patrick Muldoon again.

Speaker 2 I like the image that I had of Patrick Muldoon that was frozen in time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Patrick Muldoon's doing that aging thing where he's just like dying his hair weird. colors that only old men use.
Don't use that color. It's a terrible red, Patrick.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shave it i know i wonder like us seeing patrick muldoon was that like how it was like for people to see um

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 eileen davidson's husband for the like for the first time in several decades because he was like a child star or a teen star in the in the 70s 60s and 70s right and then you see him and it's like whoa

Speaker 2 what was his name dickie van patten or something like that um

Speaker 2 i wonder if like that's how we feel when like that's how people felt seeing him the way we feel seeing patrick muldoon yeah it's crazy.

Speaker 1 And it's not even an ageism thing. It's just like a proper age thing.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, if your hair is starting to look like that thinny, old, like straw-y kind of thing, don't be dying it like purple or red or whatever. Oh, no, no, no.
Someone help him.

Speaker 1 He's still a hot man. Just somebody help him.
Fix him. He's fixable.

Speaker 1 I'll fix him. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Everyone's fixable.

Speaker 1 Hey, Moldoon, give me a ring. I'll fix you.
Big hit.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, that was it for Denise Richards. Fun times.
Thanks, everyone, for being here. Catch us on the road this weekend or subsequent weekends or just hang out here.
That's fine too.

Speaker 2 Go to watchwhatcrappins.com, though, if you want to get your tickets or to see the schedule. And we will catch you on the very next episode.
Bye, everyone. And bye.

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