The Fart Mic Returns w/ Ron White | Your Mom's House Ep. 823

What's everybody?

Just kidding.

That's so dumb.

That's what my stupid husband would say.

But guess what?

He's not here.

I am.

And you know what I'm going to do?

He doesn't even realize.

We are having a huge

YMH merch store sale.

Okay.

We're coming out of the closet.

Pull your jeans up as high and tight as they can possibly be.

This will be your last chance ever to get the designs like the cool mom hats.

Hello, that's my favorite.

Park Closer, which was such a good time on YMH, Fed Smoker, Hate from YMH shirt, and all the other designs.

Guys, they're not coming back.

This is a last call.

So go to store.ymhstudios.com right now, right now, right now.

All right, are we ready, mommies?

We're ready.

Okay.

You call that dude mommy?

I've called them all mommies.

You do?

They're my mommies, yeah.

Oh, that's sweet.

Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV Insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RVinsurance at progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, pet injuries, and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.

What's everybody?

Just kidding.

I don't say that.

That's stupid, Tom.

And he's not here.

He's out filming a movie.

I am Christine and co-hosting today with me.

I'm so pumped to have.

Mr.

Ron White, everybody.

Clap for Ron White.

The greatest.

Thank you for the clapping.

I love you.

Oh, I love you too.

We'll push the microphone closer to your beautiful face.

All right.

There we go.

How have you been?

What's new?

What's your summer?

I just got back from vacation, went on a great vacation

with my girlfriend.

Who's this girlfriend?

We started seeing each other about six or seven months ago, and she's perfect

for me because I'll be 69 years old in December, and she'll be 70 in 23 years.

And

that's perfect.

Yeah.

Right.

That's perfect.

So, right there.

You know, we're right there, sort of.

And then,

beautiful, smart girl.

Yeah.

She's head of HR for some private equity group.

And she's smart.

Bombshell.

Nice.

Bombshell.

What kind of broads do you like?

Bombshells.

Bombshell.

Like, what are you into?

Boobs, butts?

What are you?

Well,

you know,

if you looked at all of them

individually, there's quite a mix there, you know.

Face, you know,

I like a woman with a beautiful face.

Yes.

I'm not into big fake tits.

Yeah.

And

but,

you know,

she's probably the prettiest one ever that I've ever been with.

Really?

I've been with some cutie pies.

You sure have.

But my last girlfriend was older than me.

She was 70.

So she ended up moving back to California.

And the other ones have been pretty close to my age.

She's the youngest one.

She's 49, I guess, is the way it works out.

She's my age.

I know.

Perfect.

That's what I was thinking about.

Oh, my God.

So perfect.

All right.

Well, maybe don't tell anybody when Tom dies.

Yeah.

I know.

What do you think?

I think it's a match made in some sort of celestial space.

I'm not calling it heaven,

but it's celestial.

It is.

It is, my friend.

You know, when I had cancer, my husband brutally brought in my replacement and called her new Christine, which I thought was rather rude.

And this could be new Tom.

Who could?

Right here.

Right here.

Right here.

Who was the new Christie?

She sucks.

She's like some pig.

Look at her.

She's all brains, no brawn.

Oh,

I know her, don't I?

Yeah, something like that.

Something like that would be

gross.

That is gross.

Fit and young and pretty.

Well, whatever.

Listen, I've prepared such a special show for you.

I'm just thrilled that you're here.

Why don't we start with the opening clip, okay?

This one is just for you.

Your lunch is ready.

That was an elephant yawning.

Wasn't it?

That wasn't even a fart.

Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Went on Segura talks.

Christina Pajitsi Christina Pajitsi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Bomb

shell.

You like it?

Oh, yeah.

New Tom.

Can't wait.

You can't wait for Tom to die?

Yeah.

I'll take care of you, Ronald.

Anything, Gary.

I'll wipe your ass when the time comes.

Hold on, I got one more.

Christina, it's lovely to see you.

And welcome everybody to your mum's house.

It's coffee time.

Christina, can you believe it's your first podcast without Tom?

I know.

Let's put the kettle on and celebrate with a strong black coffee.

Best drink of the day.

There you go.

Catherine

thank you so much for the shout out this is my friend in England Catherine cann yeah big old natties huge natties speaking of natties she better get those looked at

now what do you think of the fart sandwich would you still eat that sandwich

you know I got to tell you if she had shit on that sandwich I would have taken a bite off the other end of it but uh

that's what I'm talking about but you know probably not that one end but the you know the one with the shit on it, I would eat.

The regular sandwich I don't care for.

That's an egg salad or I don't know.

Well, let's see.

I was going to look at that because I'm curious what kind of sandwich is.

That's probably 75 million views on TikTok, right?

And here you are owning an app.

I'm trying too hard.

Way too hard.

That looks like, I'm going to guess, a pork rind sandwich.

You think those are pork rinds or eggs?

Oh, I think they're pork rinds.

It could be eggs, spicy deviled eggs.

Where would you eat a pork rind sandwich?

I don't know.

Maybe it's like a fart fetish thing.

You see,

well, the thing is that there's no carbs in pork rinds, and that's the only reason people eat them at all, I think.

There's low carbs,

but there's carbs in that bread.

Oh,

and now the whole thing's starting to

not make that much sense.

I got you, babe.

Oh, listen, I have some official YMH business to get into before we proceed.

Okay.

Now, many years ago,

Tom banned something that I loved on this show.

And it really broke my heart, Ron.

And so many of the listeners, the devoted fans, the mommies, loved this thing.

And then Tom cruelly took it away, ripped it from us, from our world, from the fabric of our lives.

And now I am here.

I am back.

I am restoring YMH to its former glory, to its greatness, if you will.

And I have a massive announcement.

That's right.

Chips in a bowl.

And...

That's what Tom ripped away from the...

Oh, you'll see.

This is just me getting to the announcement.

It's a cat-eating kibble.

That's such a good sound, right?

What is it?

It's a cat-eating kibble.

Do you have a cat?

No.

You got to get a cat.

It's the sweetest sound in the world.

Cat-eating kibble.

That sounds like an elephant yawning.

What is it with the show?

It's stupid.

It's just fun.

Here it is.

Are you ready?

Hold on.

This is what was ripped away, and I will restore

to its former glory, its greatness.

Everybody, behold

the fart mic.

You can clap.

Go ahead.

The fart mic.

The fart mic.

Spout.

You're welcome, world.

You're welcome.

So it was a thing at one time.

And how's it smell?

So it was a staple on the show.

Yeah, so what happened was.

And then Segura, who I've never liked.

No, no.

Boo.

Yeah.

He just ripped it right out of your life.

He took it away, and this was something that was so beloved, you know?

And because we used to.

There was the pole holding up the tent,

and Tom yanked it.

Cruelly.

Wow.

Because we would record the show after lunchtime back in California, and we would often have Mediterranean food, hummus, falafels of that nature.

And then we'd be so gassy.

And I said, gosh, I wish there was a microphone that could pick up these farts.

And we did it.

And then Tom got disgusted for some reason.

What a prude.

Not like you.

You would eat the sandwich that I take a shit on.

Yes.

Yeah, well, I mean, I would, I would eat part of it.

Thank you.

Whatever the good part is, I would eat that.

Yeah, okay.

So, just if you have to fart at any point during the show, you let me know and I'll hand you the fart mic.

I'm not going to do it.

Ron.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm just going to back my ass up to this mic

and fart right in it.

That's my man.

That's why they, you know what?

Enterchangeable.

That's a filter, right?

So you can change that filter if it gets clogged up with

whatever spray.

Yeah.

Because I'm going to drop trial when I do it, too.

It's not going to be coming through these jeans.

It's going to be fresh.

Oh.

That's so exciting.

Like Matthew McConaughey's tuna salad fresh.

Have you ever tried to list every financial account you have, like all of them, old 401ks, investment apps, property?

Half the time, I forget what I even signed up for.

And that's the scary part.

If you're not paying attention, you can be leaving serious money on the table without even knowing it.

That's why I started using Monarch Money.

It's fantastic.

It's a one-stop shop.

It's so easy to use.

It pulls everything, bank accounts, retirement accounts, investments, all of it into one clean dashboard.

No spreadsheets, no switching between a million apps.

I realized I had way more cash just sitting around than I thought, and I wasn't saving as much as I should have been.

You can even share your dashboard with your partner or your financial advisor.

No guessing, no awkward convos.

It's been a game changer.

Don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks.

Use code YMH at monarchmoney.com in your browser for half off your first year.

That's 50% off your first year at monarchmoney.com with code YMH.

This episode is sponsored by Helix.

Let me tell you, once I got my my Helix mattress, it was like night and day.

I didn't realize how much my old bed was messing with my sleep until I actually slept through the night without tossing and turning.

No more waking up hot, no more back pain, and honestly, no more guilt about never replacing that old mattress.

Helix made it easy to find the right one with their sleep quiz.

And it shipped straight to my door.

I felt the difference immediately, but it really showed up in my sleep tracking.

I'm finally getting deep sleep again, and it's made a huge difference in how I feel all day.

I mean, I used to wake up with backaches, and then you wake up blazing hot and everything.

And I'm also a side sleeper, and Helix can customize your bed so that you can sleep on your side comfortably.

Can you believe that?

If you're tired of waking up tired, then you've got to try Helix.

Go to helixleep.com/slash YMH, get 20% off site-wide.

That's helixleep.com/slash sleep.com slash ymh for 20 off site wide helix sleep.com slash ymh

do you do you beef in front of your girlfriends

you know what it's

if we're in bed at night and i'm tired yeah i'll try to get away with it uh she's not big on it so i try to you know i try to i've always been kind of a don't fart in front of women thing yeah but you know some if you're exhausted you're like oh she's not going to, she's asleep.

And then I'm, oh, rah.

I'm like, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty nasty.

I'm an old man.

Oh, you're a man's man.

Yeah.

Oh, am I?

Yeah, you just rip farts, do whatever you want.

Burp.

I don't care.

So, can I tell you about our vacation?

I would love to hear about your vacation.

Okay, it was a surprise.

Number one, she didn't know where we were going.

I was going to go up to this mountain house in Colorado that a friend of mine owns, and a guy had a fucking stroke in Africa and he's still to this day like a month later in Cape Town.

Not good.

Don't go to Africa.

And so I'm like, I'm not going to call there.

You know, he's spoken in days.

And I'm like, tell him to blink twice if the code isn't,

you know,

that seems so insensitive.

And I really do care about the guy and I joke about it.

And so we couldn't go there.

So I had to last.

And she took time off work.

So she's got vacation and time.

I got a light summer.

I can do whatever, you know, whatever.

And so I just started looking around.

And my niece used to,

she was really good at finding cheap cruises for her and mother to go on when my mother was alive.

And she's a NASA engineer, so she's smart anyway, but she knows how to do this.

A what engineer?

She worked for NASA.

Now she runs a big.

I thought you said she's an ass engineer.

No, no, NASA.

And I'm so proud of her.

She's

smart and wonderful.

God damn.

But so she finds this, there's a river cruise that leaves out of Paris that's parked right by the Eiffel Tower.

So

she doesn't know where we're going and she doesn't want to know.

She's excited about not knowing.

I told her what the temperature would be and what to pack for.

And she's, okay, I'm in.

I mean, I'm in.

So on the way to the plane, don't tell her.

You know, shut your eyes.

Okay.

Wow.

And so we get all the way there.

And then right where we're landing, we're landing in Paris in the summer.

Hold on.

Do you fly private or commercial?

No, I don't fly

to Paris.

Okay, just to, you know, I'm just trying to see what my future looks like.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's nice, but it ain't private.

You can't just fart.

You can't.

You can.

You can.

It's ventilated.

That stuff goes out somewhere.

It's a must, right?

So anyway, we get there.

And then there's people from the Viking people are there, and they take us over to this river cruise.

And we have a suite with a little balcony.

Not big, but that's as big as they get there, except for two on the back that were gone and it was canceled.

Whatever.

We're on it.

Now I have weed and

edibles and mushrooms.

And I'm on vacation, right?

And I'm ready to go.

And I can see when I looked at the boat, I'm like, this could be iffy on the pot smoking thing because of the way it's designed, you know, just 200 people.

But I've always been, let's see what I can get away with.

And then go from there, right?

And that's practical.

So I got those little decks.

So I'm going to go out there and I'll just shut the door and smoke some peep, some pot, and see what I can get away with.

And then, and if I get accused of it, I'll just deny it and I'll quit doing it.

And I'll just either go on the top or figure out something that works.

And

so day two, I get a call from this guy that's the hotel manager.

And he says, I got to come talk to you.

And I know what it's about, you know, so I said, yeah, sure, come on down.

Big, tall Belgian dude, older than me, nice as he could be, real diplomat.

And before I could even deny it, because he said, you can't smoke pot in this room.

And I didn't smoke pot out there.

He said, what you need to do is smoke pot out there with the door shut or up on top of the boat.

And I'm like, this guy means me no harm.

He's a good guy.

So I'm like, hey, listen, thanks a lot.

That's actually, that's where I was smoking it, but I wasn't that careful about keeping the door shut.

I'll be more careful.

He goes, go, great.

We shook hands.

We're best friends.

He said, I I know who you are.

I looked it up and so we're happy you're on the boat.

I'm like, okay, great.

Next day,

our boat pulls up to a dock, and the dock is right by my balcony.

I mean, I'm sitting there, and that's the dock right there.

So I'm like, well, this might not work, but I'm going to see what I can get away with.

So I light a joint, and I realize we're not moving.

So the pot smoke's just billowing right there.

And

I'm like, this doesn't work.

So I put out my joint and I'm like, I'll just smoke it off the boat because you're at a different different little thing every day or whatever.

So

and it's Europe, yeah.

Like they're cool and

yeah, yeah.

France, not so much as Belgium, but or Amsterdam, Netherlands, whatever they're calling it, Holland.

So anyway, at 6.30 that night, I get a call from the guy and he goes, the captain wants to talk to you.

And I said, do I know what it's about?

And he goes, yep.

And I'm like, okay, it's about six o'clock at night.

And they knock on the door.

And he had come in the room, but they didn't want to come in the room.

And the captain takes this really aggressive tone with me.

And he's, I don't know if he's German or what his accent was exactly, but it was a little harsher.

Yeah.

But he said,

you've been smoking pot in your room, and that is against the rules of the Viking cruise people.

And he's real barky at me.

And I said, hey, listen, dude, I've been smoking pot exactly where that guy told me to, which is on my balcony.

He goes, I think you smoked pot in your bathroom and that it got into the ventilation system and blew it into the hallway.

And I'm like, that is a conspiracy theory that you just made up.

And you also called me a liar in the process.

Meanwhile, it's escalating.

He's getting louder.

I'm getting louder.

No.

And, and people are going to dinner.

And they're all, it's just 200 people.

And there's two things.

They see them all at once.

And there are people walking down the hall.

hall.

We're in my hallway, and this guy's dressing me down,

and

it got no traction with me.

And then the big guy is trying to calm us both down because it's starting to get into a fucking eye stare.

You know, what are you going to do?

Because I'll tell you what I'll do.

And

so

the big guy kind of gets it all back going in the right direction.

The guy softens up.

And he goes,

now at no point has anybody told me not to smoke pot on this boat nobody has and the guy goes well perhaps if you smoked it on the top deck I could look the other way and I'm like why didn't you open with that you said you dress me down in front of all these people and make me look like a punk and I said I got to go to dinner and I slammed the door in his face and

and I was pissed and I you know if you want to talk to me man to man in my room I'll own my part of it and people vote in whether I'm right or wrong I mean I own my part i was smoking pot where i wasn't supposed to i was trying to get away with something but that's just what i do and uh so i was just figuring out the water here and and this guy just

what was unforgivable is he did it in front of people that's not very nice and and this is cocoon three right this is old people all together

it is a it is elderly yeah and uh so anyway i'm like i tell angela we got to get off this boat and she goes listen, the boat's in dock.

It's going to be there till 7.30 the next night.

So, well, let's just walk into the town.

We won't eat on the boat, which we hadn't anyway.

We'll go into town, find a restaurant, have some dinner, come back, sleep, and we'll walk around the town.

It's going to be here all day and decide what we're going to do.

But we don't need to just walk off now.

And I'm like, you're right.

You're absolutely right.

So we go do that.

The next day we're walking around in town.

Well, they had taken all the people on these buses over to Normandy.

And I wasn't going to do that anyway.

And

we see

couples that we know.

And both of them were like, What happened?

Where did you, are you getting kicked off the boat?

What is it?

Was it drugs?

Was it?

And I'm like, okay, we got to go because I can't, I won't get past it.

And I didn't get past it anyway.

I was like, tell me, I'll tell you, motherfucker.

I'm in my bathroom by myself, you know, just

I can't let it go.

I just know how I am.

So we decide to leave.

And the guy, the big guy that I liked,

he sends me

me and her, a big plate of these Belgian chocolate strawberries that might be the best thing I've ever tasted in my life.

And then a bottle of wine that had no alcohol, which was thoughtful because I don't drink.

And

a handwritten note apologizing for the way it was handled.

By the guy?

No.

That's the problem.

That's exactly the problem.

I didn't need him to apologize.

He did nothing to me.

He's a German.

He was great.

Yeah.

Well, that's just fuck it.

Anyway, whatever his name is.

We know what he is.

It was just shitty.

And here's kind of the shitty thing.

I was like, I'm not going to make this about Viking

because it was whatever experience it was.

It had a lot of good people working on the boat.

It's a hard gigs, too.

Those people that work.

My God.

So I'm like, I'm not going to go bash

them

because of the people, you know, and it was, it's a thing.

I like it better than like a 000 people

cruise but not better than the ritz carlton so you know

and

but then i wrote a complaint about the way i this was handled to viking cruise and they didn't say

to me not one hold on when did you write the complaint when you came home or as you're there as we're there

uh we write a lot we i chat gdp i just got okay

and they said oh here's what to do call this number do these things.

Make sure you document it all now.

And so I did all those things, which I wouldn't have done anyway.

I would have threatened to do it, but never done it.

Sure, sure.

Because that's how I am.

I'll destroy you.

I just rehearse the confrontation in my head over and over again and give myself cancer.

So go ahead.

Yeah.

So

anyway, yeah, we wrote it.

And

I meant them no harm.

I just wanted them to know what happened.

I mean, we walked off the boat.

So you left the cruise.

Yeah, we did.

You packed your bags.

Four suitcases.

Where were we in North America?

And what's the name of this town again?

Yeah, yeah, we're outside of Paris.

Okay.

And we

went up to a restaurant and sat down.

Hey, what are we going to do?

But, you know, it's

the world's my oyster.

I'm on vacation.

I have money.

And, you know, we'll be fine.

So we took, we ended up, we took a train back to Paris and we found this sexy little boutique hotel.

a swing in the room.

A fuck swing.

Yeah, a little fuck swing.

You're kidding.

What hotel is this?

This is not the Ritz Carlton.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, but it's Moulin Rouge.

Five-star and not that far from Moulin Rouge, but it's a beautiful little place.

What was it?

La Adore.

Paris, La Adore.

Please look up the fuck swing.

That's amazing.

Guys enter the room dick first.

Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.

Stronger, harder, longer lasting.

Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk in a gym membership.

Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex.

There is nothing worse in this life than not being hard.

Why go through life like that?

I take Blue Chew like I take vitamins to start the day.

just in case something might happen.

Guys, this isn't about performance.

This is about legacy or third leg a seat.

Give her group chat something to talk about.

You know when you lay it down, they're going to talk about how it gets up.

Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue chew.

Discover your options at bluechew.com.

And we got a special deal for our listeners.

As always, get your first month of Blue Chew free.

Just use the promo code YMH at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping.

That's it.

Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time.

Head to Blue Chew.com for details and important safety information.

And a big thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

Chronic spontaneous urticaria, or chronic hives with no known cause.

It's so unpredictable.

It's like playing pinball.

Itchy red bumps start on my arm, then my back,

sometimes my legs.

Hives come out of nowhere,

and it comes and goes.

But I just found out about a treatment option at treat myhives.com take that chronic hives learn more at treat my hives.com

yeah yeah so it was we had a great time just walking the streets you had never been to paris and we were

and uh so we you know we had a great time there and then uh

actually when i came home viking did call okay but it was just a follow-up call that they always make to people that have been they didn't even know i had left the boat just this lady was like just making sure everything was fine.

And

oh, yeah, there it is.

That's my room right there.

God bless the French.

Yeah.

They really do not give a shit.

No, and I'm telling you, that's nice service.

I'm sure they'll appreciate this plug, but

it was, that's what it looked like.

And they'll clean your fuck swing and

everything.

They got Lysol.

They got all kinds of disinfectants.

They got all kinds of things.

There it is.

There's your fuck swing.

That's amazing.

Yeah, but that was my room right there, the black one.

The other one, I never saw the pink one.

But there's a little balcony out there.

Look at those floors.

God, the French.

Now, so it doesn't sound like Viking has made amends with you, Ron.

Is that accurate?

Well, you know,

what I

called that woman, but that woman just left me a message saying, just seeing how the cruise went, you know, you may still be on it.

Well, anyway, we're just checking on you.

Didn't even know.

So I call back and I get a message and I tell her just a short version.

We walked off the cruise after four days and nobody's been curious why.

And I'm going to start doing podcasts next week.

So why don't you guys decide how that ends?

And

still, even she didn't call back.

Oh my gosh.

And so I would just add, I would suggest to Viking that they square some of that stuff off because every once in a while somebody has a legitimate complaint.

Now, I would imagine what happened was they called that captain and he wouldn't quit smoking pot in his room.

Are you Hitler or whatever?

Yes, of course.

and uh and they go well if you did that what are we gonna do you know but I'm sure they didn't ask the nice guy that you know was trying to make it all right and everybody have fun and

you know it it was a pricey

pricey little venture of course and you lost your money it doesn't yeah and it it it doesn't it doesn't matter that that didn't matter we were i wasn't that big on it anyway you know it was not right exactly my thing and you smoke the pot on the boat.

Is that how he sounded?

A little bit.

All right.

I do not appreciate your sense of humor.

The guy was, he was probably from Australia, and I just heard it wrong.

I wasn't really listening to his words as much as his tone.

I'm like, this guy's being aggressive with me.

I'm not going to tell the mommies what to do because when you rally YMH listeners

around a particular cause,

you see results.

Whatever you guys do, don't go to Twitter and don't tag, are you on Twitter?

Yeah.

Ron White and let Viking crews know how rude and dismissive they were to our friend, Ron White.

Do not allow him to smoke marijuana free on the boat.

You know what?

If anybody would have just said that,

you really, seriously, you cannot smoke.

You can't smoke weed on the boat.

I would have found a place to smoke it.

Of course.

But then you were told by the guy where to smoke it.

That's right.

And I explained to that guy.

I'm just doing what I'm told here.

I'm just trying to find a way to get along.

I'm looking for boundaries, right?

Yeah.

And I don't want trouble.

You don't want trouble.

You know, I don't want to get taken off of my frequent flyer program or my

TSA and, you know, for.

Well, and let's be honest, it's a little bit of read.

It's not the end of the world.

It's not like you're doing heroin or putting methamphetamines and selling it in the stores.

I did say something about his silly little captain hat, though.

And I I was trying to control myself and

you could tell

Angela because she's with HR.

She was her mouth.

Her jaw was dropped.

She couldn't believe how he was talking to me.

Amazing.

And she knew it was going to go nowhere because she knows me that that's not the way.

No fucking way.

Well, you're a real man.

Have you ever gone fist to blows with a dude?

Have you fought?

Not at this age.

Not that, yeah.

You know, something to just break off and fall on the ground.

That is wild that he was so disrespectful.

And when I was 15, I did a carnival cruise, and a crew member gave my stepsister and I a weed.

Like, so I was smoking out with the employees of the cruise.

James said, Give me a fucking break that these people aren't getting high after work or during work or work.

They didn't look like a big getting high group when I met them for dinner.

But

they're just, you know, some people don't want to be on those big boats with, you know, some fat guy in a hot tub, you don't don't know, and it ain't that appealing.

And

uh, so

I think it works out.

My mother loved them.

I mean, that's why I went anyway because your mom knew Viking cruise on trusted.

Yeah, she took the one up to Russia, and she did.

Did she like that one?

She loved it.

I don't like the Russians, I don't trust them.

I wouldn't go today, no, that's for sure.

But

this was quite a while back.

The mother took that little trip.

Reds,

yeah, she liked it.

But then Amsterdam was that's the

fucking loved Amsterdam.

I've been there

a few times, but

we stayed in a big old fat hotel.

It was great.

You go on those little boats and cruise around.

Now they have one that's

got a virtual reality thing to it.

So every once in a while, they'll tell you to put on these headsets, and then you see it 400 years ago.

That's cool.

Isn't that just neat?

I don't know what that experience is called, but if you can bring that up, they'd only been doing it for three weeks.

I saw it it on TikTok.

Wow.

And I'm like, oh, this is great.

So, and if it is, and it's all the way around, too.

So if you're all the way back, you see a dude with a pole pushing this thing, his dog's in the front,

Rembrandt's over there.

Hey, he has some little jokes around.

And then dudes pissing into the canal.

They love

the shit on the sandwich and throwing that in there.

Right.

They love that in it.

Sandwich,

shit.

Sandwich.

Oh, I love it.

You know what I like?

We just went to them.

Golly, man.

Nobody's this good at my shop.

Oh, no.

No, I don't have a shop.

Was I going to say, oh, they have boats on the canal that people live on.

Did you see those?

Oh, yeah, all over the place.

That's wild.

That would be fun, huh?

Yeah, that's a big Airbnb hustle, too.

I mean, they rent a lot of those out.

And I thought about doing it, and I thought about what if it's all mildewy, you know?

Oh, it's full of jizz, too.

Just like comedy condos where just guys come on everything.

Oh, yeah.

I wouldn't even eat the mayonnaise and the leftover from the

before.

Listen, I know you're just on vacation.

What do you think about this?

Have you done this?

This is in Brazil.

Look at this woman.

Does she die later in this?

One only hopes.

I wish we could see.

I was waiting for her to fall.

Can you imagine?

That would make a splat noise.

Let's see this.

Let me read the,

it says, this woman is visiting a very popular tourist attraction in Brazil known as whatever good

in Rio.

She decided to climb down to a restricted zone where you need an experienced guide and proper equipment.

She was not injured, but the video became viral after viewers reported this as dangerous and irresponsible.

But she just wanted it to go viral, right?

And it did.

So bingo.

You can't live alone, Ron.

Are you going to get married again?

I don't want to think.

How many times have you been married so far?

I'm not sure.

If you count that tall girl, what was her name?

Tall girl.

Yeah, real tall.

Beth or...

Nah, I can't think of her name, but

that was real brief.

I don't know, three or four, something like that.

Three or four at this point.

Oh, wow.

You got to do prenups prenups now, right?

You've got to be doing that.

Well, you know,

absolutely.

But, you know, there was a prenump on the last one.

And

not my last girlfriend, but the last girl I was actually

with.

And that prenump didn't mean shit.

Seriously, what state did you get divorced in?

Well, it's real.

complicated.

We got divorced in California.

That's why.

But there was

anyway, it's a long

time.

How long have we been doing it is a half an hour.

You know,

we were going to get a prenup.

And

I spent a lot of money on this wedding in Dallas, which is where she was from.

And 250 or 350 people rented an entire hotel with a French restaurant and a 19-piece band

from New York.

And it was a, you know, and, but when we got there

she hadn't signed those papers

shut up so you're telling me she shows up to the wedding like a couple of days before

so we go down I'm like hey hey we got to get this it won't be valid it's got to be done before that her lawyer my lawyer so I'm like okay

well we got 350 people coming tomorrow you know, so we're not going to,

we'll just go ahead and do this, but we're not going to sign these.

We're We're not gonna sign a marriage license.

There's no marriage license, and we've we didn't live in Texas, and in California, there's no

common law.

You can live with somebody a hundred years, is that right?

Yeah, but if you don't have a contract with them, if you do have a contract, you're you got a contract, but if you don't, you don't.

It explains how my dad got away with living with Broads for so long, yeah, not marrying them.

And uh, so

so then we ended up getting a divorce, and uh,

hold on, hold on, hold on, on.

Back it up.

So she shows up.

She hasn't signed these papers yet.

What is she?

Why is she telling you the reason?

She's like, is she giving you the whole, well, we're going to be together forever.

So why sign these papers?

I love you.

We love you.

I don't think she liked the numbers on it.

Oh, okay.

And

she didn't really talk a lot about it.

Anyway, she was an entertainer also.

And I was pretty crushed out on her, but, you know, I'd been beat up in court before.

So by

brutal divorce attorneys.

Everything has gotten better in the world except divorce attorneys.

And it's 1860, and they got you in an alley beating your ass with a stick.

And there's nothing you can do about it except fucking pay them.

And I love them.

And so I said, okay, we're going to have basically a mock wedding.

We're going to go through all this stuff.

We had an Arialist.

No, what's that?

An Arielist.

What is that?

It's like somebody at a Madonna show that wraps around and that fucking thread.

That's so hard to do.

Wow, these brides have strong thighs.

I could never do this.

Okay.

Well, it was a chick, and she toured with the Broadway show, so these were just some of the dancers that were in the show.

That's six figures at least.

And she was a singer.

So it's, oh, what, that party?

The aerial dancer.

That's exciting.

She was free.

Oh, she was free.

Yeah, she was a friend.

And

why we had her, I mean, I saw a 40-foot boom when I walked in this room.

I'm like, we don't need a 40-foot boom.

And, I mean, they made this movie that all showed up in court.

That was all it was for, was for court.

And

anyway,

so we go through the procedure of it.

We have dancers.

And all I was supposed to do was learn, was to write my vows.

and learn how to cha-cha.

And so 30 minutes before the wedding, I'm like,

and

so anyway, we

have the life and living in Montecito and

we decided to get a divorce.

How long did you stay together before you decided to wedding?

That was from that point on.

We were together for quite a while, for eight or nine years and then

and but three years we were after that ceremony.

So

I don't think she understood there was no common law marriage in California.

That's what I think.

And

because I was surprised to find out.

And I didn't know it either.

But once I found out, I wasn't going to chomp her.

I said, I'll give you this amount of money by Friday.

And you don't have to ever work again.

And she's like, ooh, no, I want way more than that.

I want a lot of money.

Hold on.

At what point is this at the divorce divorce she's saying that to you?

Yeah, right after I tell her that I'm gone.

So she never signs the papers.

Which ones?

The initial pre-net papers.

Does she ever sign them?

No, she never signs them, but there's no marriage licensed either, and we don't live in Texas.

So anyway, they convinced this fucking California judge who did not like me

that because we lived

to Texas on a tour bus with two bathrooms, that that's a home.

No.

and uh we so we technically did live in Texas

and which is all complete and total

I mean my assistant this uh

she goes well technically I'm guess I'm married to the bass player from poison

right I hopped on that bus for a few days and I mean it was just a horrible decision and then it you know then it went into but anyway yeah yeah there'll there'll there'll there'll be something that recognizes what's happened already.

And,

you know,

whatever.

So, I mean, that's

just a fact of nature.

And then I, and then I hope it works.

I mean, I hope the relationship works, you know.

Yeah.

I don't want to keep doing this.

I'm just, you know, I really am getting old.

And I don't want to get old by myself.

And I love women.

I really do.

I believe you.

You know, a lot of male comics.

I think hated their mommies.

And so they.

You know I love my mom.

You love your mother.

I know.

and you know something i would never make you learn the cha-cha before the stupid wedding never do that yeah

well

it was a big part there were it was it was a lot of stupid don't you hate when people do that stupid oh i got mad i was mad at the whole thing you know because her and her sister were doing it and i gave them a budget and

and boy did they blow that out of the water and i'm walking around looking at this stuff going i should ask more questions you know as i go through life yeah uh and see what's going on now it was fun and I love the pictures from it because a lot of my friends are dead and you know I can go back and look at them and you know and we were all younger and prettier and you know so and

but I was you know I was nuts about all of them at one time you know and I was you're nuts about her

great singer

you know

you never know what life's going to bring.

You never know.

That's the fuckery of it all, right?

You can't, the human heart.

You just, we can't help ourselves.

It wants what it wants.

And

so

it was funny because

I was dating her brother.

No, I wasn't dating her brother.

Her brother's a really good friend of mine.

And I'd known her forever.

You know, so I knew her whole family.

And

so, and he didn't like it.

He didn't like it.

And I was talking to Charlie Verricola, who's a comic out of North Carolina.

And he goes, I'll hold my sister down and let you fuck her if you'll give me Alex's taste.

Okay, that's the funniest thing I've heard this year.

Jesus Christ.

Well, look, I hope that this girlfriend is wife number five and that she takes care of you in your old age because you don't want this type of shit to happen.

Oh,

what exploded?

I don't know.

Let's see.

It didn't even look like a dangerous thing she was doing.

She's just dead.

She's heating up a canteen.

You go.

Oh, she's.

That had some blast force.

That set her back a little bit.

What is she doing there?

Do you guys know?

It looks like a jar of like pasta sauce or something, like a glass jar.

She's canning.

She's canning

uh whatever she's canning right for the for the winter yeah this is hilarious yeah it splattered everywhere too i imagine the glass is everywhere that's kind of cool right

what do you think is that funny or is sad that fucking hilarious

i mean look at that you could tell it wasn't staged look at all the sauce all the way up the cabinet and on the ceiling this is amazing here look at this did you see this one this took place in amsterdam speaking of

Oh my god.

Was that a special chair

that weren't supposed to sit in?

Hold on, I'll read it to you right now.

That's what you guys do when you got off your Viking cruise.

That's Ron White and his girlfriend.

Boom.

Okay.

Tourists are unnamed.

The artist is Nicola Bola, who was inspired by Van Gogh to create this piece.

The chair was covered in hundreds of Swarovski crystals.

And as the tourist went to pose for a picture, he fell back and broke the chair.

The tourists later fled the museum.

Oh, no, this took place in Italy.

I think they could have caught him.

He didn't look like he was going to fled too fast.

Do you think he was?

Fuck no, they didn't catch it.

Look at that, dude.

You know what's so stupid?

I could totally see myself doing something this stupid.

You could?

For fucking sure.

Like, you, you know what I'm saying?

Like, you and me walking through the museum, we're a little loose.

We're having some laughs.

And I'm like, hey, Ron, watch this.

I'm going to fucking sit on the chair, dude.

Crunch.

Let's get out of here.

It's so fun.

All right.

What about,

oh, where is this?

This one's cool.

Speaking Speaking of fat cells:

Does your belly touch your steering wheel while you're driving?

In the center of the steering wheel, there's an airbag, which may explode in your direction in order to protect you if you're in an accident.

But if you're sitting too close, it could actually really hurt you.

It's your favorite faquir automotive educator, and some steering wheels can be adjusted.

They're typically called telescopic steering wheels.

Adjust the steering wheel and seat to find a position that's safe to drive in with as much distance.

What are you feeling?

If she lost weight,

she wouldn't have anywhere to stick her cell phone while she was looking, while she was driving.

Do you ever, I use every once in a while when I was bigger, I would use my fat roll as a just a place to stick something for a minute, like a tap of a pen, you know, sticking a fat roll.

She's got, she could store some stuff in this, but if she lost a lot of weight, she'd be like, I don't know what to do

with this bottle cap.

You need pockets and stuff, and they don't put pockets in women's clothing.

When I had huge tits, I used to store stuff on top of my tit shelf, you know, like when I'd be eating because it was so big and I could rest stuff on my tits, or I like an otter, like a shell,

exactly like an otter.

You just sit there and just crack shells and

eat them with your little hands.

It was perfect.

Yeah, there she goes, fat so.

Oh, there I am.

There's me eating my snacks.

Except it's ruffles.

It's ruffles.

Yeah, I like ruffles.

There you go.

Here, is this what you do in your house when you're alone?

Well, he's actually, he's kind of a nimble little minx,

isn't he?

I mean, I couldn't do that.

No.

There's a little bit of whip in there.

No,

no.

Listen to him breathing, too.

Yeah.

I think about 45 seconds would be the distance for him, right?

That'd be about the end of it.

Well, you know, I'm always amazed when I see really fat people that are in shape.

Like, I don't get it.

Like, why are they still fat?

If he can do that shit for hours,

like, what's the deal?

Yeah, I saw a fat drummer the other day.

I'm like, how do you?

It's such an active thing to do, and he was so good.

You know, he had to do it all the time to be good at something like, you know, that.

And

I guess just

eat too much.

Yeah,

that's the problem.

That's why I like being on the Ozimpies is because I wouldn't chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp.

But then again, I wouldn't exercise either.

And I wouldn't take a shit.

That's the trifecta problem with the Ozempies.

Can't take a shit.

Yeah, I struggle.

I'm on Ozempic.

Do you shit?

You know, I can get

pretty packed up, but, you know, I got another product.

I got a shelf full of shit I got to take just to keep it all moving and going.

Yeah, man.

But then I still,

I swear I've never looked this bad before.

It's something about the, I look like Willie Nell.

I look like I'm 91 years old and I'm only,

I'm not very old.

But that's the fun part about aging:

you think you look great and then you catch yourself in a monitor or a clip of yourself, and you're like, oh man, Jesus Christ.

Why does anybody fuck me ever?

Does anybody love me?

I'm so fucking unlovable.

Horrible.

All right.

Oh, I was going to say, oh, have you done this with Chicks?

Since you're a pretty experienced lover, I don't know

if you've ever done this.

No, but I would.

It's energy sex.

Do you have to have him come over and do it, or are they teaching other people how to do it?

I mean, because I think

my girlfriend and I are quite active.

Yeah, I imagine you require a lot of sexual activity.

Well,

that's when I'm a little nervous when I marry you after Tom dies.

I'm not so sure I can keep up with your niece.

I like to bang.

I tell you what, I do.

And

so you'll have to, you know, bite a piece of wood or whatever it is.

Bite a piece of wood?

Couldn't you buy me a strap or something?

No, we.

Wood?

Come on.

Well, it depends on how you're doing the divorce.

Oh, Tom's dead.

You have it all.

You have it all.

I don't need your money.

Oh, that's right.

This is a love match now.

I don't need your shit.

I got my own shit.

Wait, now, how many are you banging every day?

Walk me through your needs.

And that's just the beginning.

She's going to kill me for even saying this.

She's not listening to this.

She can't.

She's not listening.

She doesn't know who the show is.

Yeah, nobody is except a couple of mommies.

You know,

at least twice a day.

And, you know, some days three times a day.

For how long?

This is the beginning of your relationship.

So that's when it's hot.

Yeah, right.

I get that.

Now, are you telling me like...

You're talking about yesterday.

Sure, sure.

But like in

two, three, five years from now, is it still going to be three times a day?

No.

I mean, it won't, but

for those first few years, you know,

you're going to have to bite the wood.

And I don't mean your bad head either.

Okay, so I have to, we got to do everything.

Everything's on the table with you or whatever.

Anal.

Yeah.

Buddy, I know.

You just made a horse noise.

I know.

You're stressing me.

I'm sweating already.

I don't know if I could do that.

No, nothing's on the table.

Whatever you want to do.

Anal.

I can't do anal.

I can't do anal.

Hold on.

Tom wants to chime in.

Tom wants to chime in.

Hold on.

He's calling in.

Don't show him your tits right now.

You need me here.

That's what you need.

You need me here.

Oh, my God.

The fuck was that?

I think that's good podcasting.

That's my husband telling me I'm doing a bad job.

No wonder you like me so much.

I'm nicer to you.

I know.

I know.

You're so hurtful.

Anal.

Wow.

Okay.

Every day, Anal?

No.

No, that's like, that's a sometimes treat, right?

Birthdays and anniversaries.

Oh, that's a fat-a-nothing burger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's fucking.

Any weird kinks I got on?

Bite the wood.

They've got Nova Cain, I think, for something.

I don't know.

Here, listen.

I don't know if you like this place.

You have nothing to lose when you come to Cracker Barrel, but everything to gain.

There's so many things you can gain from Cracker Barrel.

Great food, great hospitality heroes, great ambassadors.

Great managers who will be there for every need you have.

So remember, you can never go wrong when you go to Cracker Barrel.

Make Cracker Barrel your dining choice.

It's America's number one choice.

Go to Cracker Barrel and celebrate.

You can't go wrong.

Well, has he convinced you?

Well, I didn't really need convincing because early in my road days when Cracker Barrel was new and there weren't very many of them, they were, I mean, they're still a good plug and breakfast.

So fucking good.

Yeah, and but even back then, it seemed like, you know, it was just Waffle House, which I like.

Yeah, I like Waffle House.

And, but I would see,

I wouldn't know they were coming because I didn't know where they were.

You know, I'm just out on the road going to Hillsborough, some state.

And I, and they were mostly in Tennessee, I think.

And, and I was like, oh, I remember one time I, I threw, I'd just eaten the shitty meal and I, I saw a cracker barrel sign.

I threw up in the bathroom and went in there and started to eat again.

And I didn't have a lot of money.

I had no money, but I just,

but yeah, I did.

Because you wanted to eat.

I wanted to eat that cracker barrel breakfast sausage that hash browns with the cheese.

I mean, I'm now I'm a walking commercial.

It seems like there's not enough hours in a day, but I want to let you know one thing.

There's enough hours to go to Cracker Barrel.

You can go to Cracker Barrel any time a day.

At seven o'clock, we open.

We have great breakfast, dinner, and lunch.

We have so many great desserts.

We have a puking booth.

If you want to find something,

you're like the Greeks.

That's what the Greeks would do, the vomitorians.

They enjoyed eating so much that they would eat, puke, and then eat again.

Now, if I didn't have...

They wouldn't eat puke.

They would eat.

Eat vomit.

Children.

And then start over.

And then fuck.

Yeah.

So that's always been my fantasy.

If I didn't have a puke phobia, because sometimes you eat a meal on the road and you're so fucking angry that you consumed that.

You know, you're so disgusted and you're like, God damn it.

I've wanted to do that, to vomit and then go somewhere good, but you've lived my dream.

Yeah.

In a gas station bathroom.

I lived your dream.

Live small.

Of

throwing it.

But I'll tell you what they did do.

Sure.

I love it.

I was in, because we stop at them all the time, you know, tour bus, room for the bus out back and

my crew.

But this time it was just me and my.

bus driver for some reason.

And they came in and they

handed me a ticket with zero written on it.

And they said, we have a policy when entertainers come, we pick up their tab.

And then they handed my bus driver a bill for $14.

And I'm like, what is this?

Like a feed the rich program?

I know.

We've decided who really doesn't need it the most.

I know.

And just give them some food.

Well, what a weird way to be, you know?

That is true.

When I was poor, companies weren't sending me boxes of cosmetics.

Nobody gets free shit like rich people.

I know.

And the the first time i heard somebody say that it was jeff foxworthy's brother as jeff was unwrapping a brand new hunting rifle that would have been three thousand dollars that his brother could have never dreamed of

you know of getting but it's it's true

i know The stuff they send Rogan, man, you could open a store and live like a king, just

reselling his stuff that he genuinely doesn't want.

No, I mean, I try to be,

I give stuff away a lot to people, you know, try to be cognizant of that.

But then, some people are so good at sending swag.

Do you know who Mr.

Beast is, the famous YouTuber?

He gives away money, and he gives away money.

And my kids absolutely love Mr.

Beast.

So, shout out to Mr.

Beast because he will send us boxes of the feastables and all that stuff.

And my kids just go nuts.

Oh, and nobody needs more than your children.

They're so poor and

unfortunate children.

Yeah,

so, but I mean, that's cool, right?

Hold on.

I have to show you one more thing.

I'm so excited about this.

Have you heard about

what made you think?

What is this guy entering a contest of who can say the most nice shit about

Cracker Barrel?

Is that what that was?

Because that wasn't a professional commercial of any kind.

No, but here's the thing.

Does he work there because he's got the apron and the colors on?

Is one of the stars falling off?

I don't understand.

or is that all that's all part of the apron he's i thought he was holding a mug that's so funny but okay i got it i got it i understand it all now i love cracker barrel and then they sell you the christmas ornaments and all the shit in the store and

oh it's so good

yeah and they've always got a really good root beer in that ice by the you know right by the podium little preacher stand and um

i like the tchotchkis too on the wall you know i used to rent books from them because you could rent books on tape and then play them on your way to the next cracker barrel and then turn them in and get a new book

for like three bucks or something.

Yeah, no, that was my whole existence.

I had a big custom van and

I was just, my son was like two and a half and he's in a play school car seat right next to me.

I fought for joint custody, but I mean, there are times you don't need 50, you know, percent

because they, and I was so shocked that they just gave them to me.

Yeah.

I was like, oh, yeah, here you go.

Here's a two and a half year old baby.

I'm like, I don't know what to do.

I've been gone for two and a half years that he got to be two and a half.

Wow.

And but

he we made it fine.

I would take him to comedy clubs and hand him to a waitress.

And

he just

don't give him any beer.

I'll be back in 45 minutes.

That's just

he actually, one time he goes, he was about four.

And so we've been doing it for a while.

and

we're at this club, and

I said, okay, we got to go to the club.

And he goes, dad, because every once in a while it was cute to bring him on stage and

get some laughs.

And he goes,

I want to go to the club, but I don't want to go on the stage.

I just want to sit in a green room.

And I said, this club doesn't have a green room.

And he goes, oh, it's a funny bone.

He knew.

He fucking knew.

Wowzer.

Wow.

He was already club hip.

That's so funny.

That's a funny bone.

That's true.

You'd have to sit in like the office of the manager or something.

Yeah.

That fucking sucked.

Nothing new stapler to play with.

Give him a stapler.

Poor servers are having to go around you to get into the showroom and stuff.

Everybody's in the way at the comedy club.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, my kids haven't done, I've shown them the inside of mothership a little, but we've seen Tom, like when he'll do big venues, like arenas, and we'll let them do the sound check where they like scream into the mic and that's pretty cool.

But uh, that's special though.

I think that's really unique because it becomes normal for them because the kids don't even care that we're who whatever doing what we do.

Yeah, they don't give a shit, they just want you to love them.

That's all, that's all, they don't think we're special.

And my son and I, well, you know, we're we're really cool.

He's awesome.

He turned out great, by the way.

Wonderful, wonderful human being.

My favorite person.

And

we're all

we're all still friends mom lives in bass drop and

and uh and

her husband who's one of my favorite people in the world you know that's a big component of your life is who's that stepdad gonna end up being and you know that that contest I fucking won that's great it couldn't have been somebody better than him so I've always been real grateful real careful with those relationships you know did your did your mother get remarried

she did and she was remarried for a long long time.

I mean for I think like 30 years before he died and then

and then she just passed a year

and a half ago.

I remember, yeah, I'm sorry.

I know you liked her a lot.

You loved her.

So sad.

No, buddy.

So sad.

But, you know,

it's what you lose is part of your memory, you know.

And,

you know, finding somebody that gives a fuck about your story,

you know, besides your, you know, your mother.

And my father died really young, so 51.

How did he die?

He had all just all kinds of big health problems.

He worked in a carbon black plant in the panhandle of Texas that every day he'd come home just covered from head to toe with just this black powder.

That's fucking

and I'm sure it wasn't very good for you at all.

And

so, but, you know, and his dad died at 61, so I'm 68,

which sounds kind of old when you start talking about their numbers, you know, but so far I've outlived them all, and I feel great.

I was going to say, you've got like the lottery of genetics then.

That's proud.

My mother was almost 90 and

89

when she passed.

So,

you know, that's not too bad.

It's awesome.

You know, I have a few summers left to know that I'm maybe mobile or whatever.

So I'm, and I'm having a good time.

You know, I still love, love, love, love doing stand-up more than ever, I think.

And I, and I think, I'm, I've, I think I'm better at it

than I was.

And, uh, and I was always pretty good at it.

And, but it just seems different now.

You know, I'm just having fun down at the mothership, and I don't do that back breaking road stuff that Tom's doing.

I did that for a long, long time.

140 cities,

you know

and

so I and I always did that because I thought it was gonna end you know because that's what these things do right they come to a fucking screeching halt and nobody gives a fiddler's fuck

about you anymore

but

for some reason

it just didn't it just didn't quit you know and babe it's not for some reason it's because you are

you know you are you've always been masterful.

Okay, I'm going to, I'm going to blow smoke up your skirt a little bit.

I love smoke.

I know you do.

I know you do.

But I would.

I was setting you up.

I love you so much.

I would study you when I, you know, for many years, I would just watch your old stand up and just watch your stillness.

My God.

I think you are the master at stillness.

You know, you hold your cigar back in the day, the whiskey glass,

and you just set it up and you let the fucking pin out and then boom

and it's really hard to cultivate that confidence and stillness

and I remember one time I don't I don't know if you remember you said this to me in the green room you go Christina

if you're doing bad slow down if you're doing good slow down

And that has stuck with me.

You told me that maybe like two years ago, and I always remember it.

How the fuck are you this?

Were you this confident and still?

You know, I've, I've been, uh, I've been doing this for 38

years,

and uh,

and I've I found out, I was talking about this in there, oddly enough, in the green room last night,

because sometimes I'm father time up there, and the, and uh, the, the, the young ones that gather around, and I'll tell them stories by the fire.

But

I had, I put on a character more

early in my career just because I didn't know.

You know, I thought I'll sound like, you know, Brother Luther, whatever the fuck, you know, with a thicker accent, like this isn't enough.

And

I just found over time that the closer I got to who I really am,

the more they responded

to what I had to say.

And

because anything that's not

true to your nature is not interesting to me.

But the absolute truth is very interesting

if you can get to it, if you can actually be who you really are.

So I'm Ron White over here.

I just walk over here and I'm just, if I can do that, and it's so hard just to let it all go and just be

yourself now at the same time I'm doing a very planned show right so it looks like I'm just out there chatting uh because I deliver it like I'm talking to one person

yes that is the essence of it too that's the brilliance yep so

and

and also

I don't know another way to do it.

You know,

I couldn't do what other comics do, but if I tried to, it would for sure be uninteresting because it wouldn't be my nature.

And not that everything I say is true, not that anything I say is true,

but I don't put on

any pretense that I'm something other than what I am, basically, morally, you know, actively, whatever, you know.

And quite frankly, I'm okay with it.

And so I like myself fine.

Well, and just, you know, so people do, I've gotten to know you a little bit personally in the last few years, and you are fantastic.

You are actually, you know, if you think he's cool on stage, he's even cooler off stage.

Like, and I, I just think you're fantastic, but you're right.

You know what I love best about watching your act is what a degenerate

you are on stage.

But it doesn't, it's hard for men.

to do it without coming across as gross or creepy.

And you don't skeeve women out.

You know, it's almost endearing.

You're like, oh, isn't that funny that he's a pervert?

Like, that's so sweet.

This guy's a total pervert.

I love him.

It makes you, it makes somebody like you more.

It's uh, that's it.

That's a real skill.

Yeah, the, the, the, the closing joke is

horrible.

I mean, it's a horrible visual, and it's and people just laugh at it like it's a regular joke.

And, and, uh, and women and men, and they're like, oh, it's so funny that he ass raped a 70-year-old woman while he was wearing skates or whatever.

Yeah, you know, it's an awful visual, and uh, but boy, I get away with it.

I don't, and that's,

I don't know why that I that,

but

I think that I even before that,

I do say in

in my show that I love women my age,

and uh

and I I do.

I find them interesting, and

we like the same music.

And even Angela, I thought, was too young for me.

But, you know,

she's,

I mean,

what a catch.

Bron, do you like goth music?

Goth?

Goth music?

Goth.

Goth?

Did you OTH?

You ever listened to The Cure?

Bauhaus?

I I know some Cure songs, probably.

That'll qualify.

Listen, I am so grateful that you're here.

Do you have something to plug?

What are you doing?

Are you on the road?

Hey, can you pull up the poster for that?

Just out of

curiousness, curiosity.

I didn't even get to use my new fart mic this episode.

An Austin artist did that.

That's awesome.

Isn't it fun?

Yeah, I'm sad I can do this.

I got my surgery.

we record these things out of time, and I'm getting my boobs reconstructed very soon.

So that's why we're doing all these episodes.

I'm excited.

Next time you see me, I'll have a whole new rack.

I'll have a tummy tuck.

Are they going to like use some

use your belly fat to make tits, bro?

It's fucking wild.

Thank God, right?

I want tiny little French girl tits, not the big sloppers I had before.

Oh, you're going to be like weight, like 10 pounds lighter, right?

You're going to be faster.

You're going to be climbing trees.

Lighter.

Still won't do anal.

Okay.

Also, check out the YMH merch store.

We have so many items on sale right now.

They're not going to last forever, guys.

Once these are sold, we're not going to reprint them.

So go ahead, check it out, try it out.

Buy my lipsticks.

I'm wearing a shade right now that I will be selling.

very soon in the coming months.

And anything else, Ronway?

Any closing thoughts?

You You know,

just maybe a little bit about the, because

the flood, the reconstruction of the flood.

Yes.

I went down there the day before my vacation.

I drove out to hunt and

to ground zero, right where Camp Mystic was.

And

don't.

You will not be ready for what you see.

And so.

That is

going on and

it'll be going on for a long time.

They're digging up cars that are 15 feet under gravel in this riverbed.

And

so

encourage the people that are actually trying to physically help to continue to help because it's going to be here for a long time and a lot of them are volunteers.

And so it's, and you can stop the blame game.

I'm telling you, I know what happened in this storm and it's nobody's fault.

And if it happened again, that would happen again, no matter matter what we did.

So, anyway, let it go.

Find a way to help.

Ron's got a phone call.

We got to go.

Donate money here, Care County Flood Relief Fund.

And

yeah,

not a positive way to end the show.

No, it is.

Let's let it be.

Why don't we do that?

Hold on.

You know what?

Let's go back to here.

Let's go back here.

You have nothing to lose when you come to Cracker Barrel.

Very much everything to gain.

There's so many things you can gain.

28 pounds, that's what I gained.

Great husband.

Great,

always kill.

Bring them home, bring them home.

Great managers who

will be there for everything.

And of course, you have nothing to run.

You can never go

to Cracker Barrel.

Make Cracker Barrel away.

I can't stop him.

It's America's number one.

Oh, no.

Oh, they've taken away.

All right, this is a good time to end the show.

Bye, bye.

We don't know what's going to happen, guys.

I am

a fucking Jew.

I've certainly got something interesting in the meal today.

Tell the white

custom mousepad.

What's interesting about this mousepad,

I can now shortcorp while spoiling all over by me.

Put the mouse, hold the mouse, hold the mouse, hold the the mouse, put the mouse, put the mouse, put the mouse, put the mouse.

Her pussy is yummy, her tits are fantastic.

I certainly wouldn't be tasting her magnificent ass.

I paid $20 for this mouse, man.

I'm gonna be flying with it.

Oh,

fuck yeah.

Put the mouse, I talk with the the mouse.

My soul hi for a birth of mouse.

100% cool, sure mouse.

Another mouse.

Fucking

talk to mouse.

Mouse cat,

with a mouse.

White girl or a fat ass.

There is no one's only.

I'm looking for white girl or a fat ass.

There's so many things you can gain from Cracker Barrel.

Great food, great hospitality heroes.

Go to Cracker Barrow and celebrate.

You can't go wrong.