Who's More Mentally Ill? | Your Mom's House Ep. 817

Get ready, Milwaukee.

I'll be filming the live special taping of my come together tour in Milwaukee this November at the Riverside Theater.

Tickets and all info is at tomsagrett.com/slash tour.

Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

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Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House.

We're here doing some Cali episodes.

Whoop, whoop.

We're in the South Bay, bro.

I know, bro.

I love it here so much.

I'd love it too.

It's the best.

It is great.

This is like a lot of people don't know.

They come to Los Angeles.

Like where it's at is the South Bay dog.

Yeah.

This is what's up.

It really is because you're outside of the chaos of Los Angeles City.

Yes.

You're in the beach.

It's natural as fuck.

And like...

You know what I'm saying?

The vibe is chill and stuff.

Very chill.

You know what I mean?

Yes.

You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying, and I know what you mean.

Totally.

And we, well, it's been a a while since

we got the address to this.

That's the address wrong.

Well, it's not wrong.

It's just there's a lot of different addresses that have the same numbers and even street names.

It happens all the time.

You can be on, you know, North Bedford in Beverly Hills, and then there's another Bedford.

It's right down.

Like, you're

always...

having to confirm.

And we put in the address for this place,

which is on a well-known street if you know los angeles called rosecrans

and um we went we went down to a different uh

street on rosecrans you know what i mean it was different so we were down there super well it was you know what i'm saying it was also like a slow progression it was slow yeah we were like well there's a lot of braid braid shops braids and chicken yeah so many so many and then i was like that's weird huh this is where the studio is and then we just kind of turned and parked.

And I was like, hmm, there's a lot of bars on windows.

Check it out.

You know what I'm saying?

It's a theater.

And like, no Pilates studios anymore.

No, we're like, this is the studio they found.

But then, can I tell you what?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, man, tell us.

I also felt a sense of excitement at that prospect because it kind of harkens back to the Reseda days.

Yes.

Always a little scared to go to work.

Yeah.

That was always the right feel of like, huh, I'm tense, I'm anxious, let's go entertain.

But gives you that adrenaline that you need it as a performer.

Yeah.

So, yeah,

it definitely felt like that.

It felt like that.

Do more.

Stop.

Do more.

Yeah.

So I haven't heard these in a while.

You know what I mean?

So,

yeah, it was a lot.

And

anyways, we figured it out.

We're like, oh, we're at the other end of Roseprans.

Yeah.

We're in a Gardeno.

There's no studio here at all.

There was a lot of people rolling through stop signs, if that gives you any indication.

Yeah, a lot of adults on

a lot of grown-up guys on bicycles.

Yeah, yeah, a lot of low-rider bicycles.

We did a quick check and we were like, oh no, you're about 20 minutes away.

So came back up.

And the whole way back, we were like, yeah, it's definitely not the right.

But it really reminds me of growing up in Los Angeles because I grew up, you know, driving at 16.

There was was no GPS.

You had that stupid Thomas guy.

But when you're lost,

bro, you're not going to be like, hold on, fucking A637.

You're just like panicking and you're just trying to get it.

The only thing you know is keep it moving.

Whenever you're in the wrong neighborhood, you go, just don't break.

Don't break.

Especially little blonde girls.

No, no, not so much at the stop signs.

But we figured it out.

We found the right place.

We're here.

We're going to tell you all about our summer vibes.

That's right.

But we should start the show.

We should open it up.

So let me get this set.

And he

goes.

I'm Ryan.

And when I say I like ass,

I mean, goddamn, I've ass.

Isn't that cool?

Guess what, Ryan?

So I'm gonna fucking say.

Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

and Christina Pizitzi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

He likes ass.

Yeah, it's cool.

He looks like I like when dudes

make an effort to let people know because otherwise you would see this guy and you would have no idea if he likes ass.

And it would be in my mind the whole time.

Like, does this guy like ass?

Does he even like ass?

Yeah, you don't have any idea.

No.

And I agree.

It's nice to know what's out there.

And also that he's doing it on the job because that is.

Right, that's a safety vest.

Yeah.

So he's working, taking a break from being safe and letting the world know that he loves ass.

And letting everybody know, in case you see him, he's an ass guy.

Do you think he was working picking up trash on the freeway or whatever?

Maybe he was conducting traffic at a construction center.

I hope he stopped conducting traffic.

Right.

And he was like, he's the slow stop guy.

He's like, hold on a second, guys.

I got to go.

Fuck it.

Everyone's going to be confused.

They're not going to know.

Does he tell us why he likes it so much?

Just letting.

I'm an ass guy.

I mean, he does other stuff, you know.

I'm Ryan, and I just got a fresh cut for all you beautiful black goddesses out there.

Oh, sweet.

A fresh cut?

Look at this.

Look at his cut.

Oh, yeah.

But don't you think that a black lady would think that haircut's goofy?

Well, yeah, but he's letting, I mean, this is like kind of all the pieces of the the puzzle.

He likes ass.

Got it, check.

Likes black goddesses.

So he's got a type, you know, and he's putting it out there.

I see, I see, I see what you see.

All you do is put it out there, and then you just see what comes back.

That's all you can hope for in a man's life.

Yeah.

It's just putting it out there.

And he's telling you, I got a fresh cut.

Do you like a fresh cut on somebody?

Yeah.

Do you want me to have sloppy hair?

No, fresh cut.

I know.

I've been obsessed with David Bowie this summer.

Yeah.

You've had your Hitler summer, and for me, it's a David Bowie summer.

Yeah.

And

I've just watched about the courtship with him and Iman.

Yeah.

And they're like, we met at the party.

Yeah.

And he's like, hi, I'm David Bowie.

We were married a week later.

A week later?

No, a year later, really?

But you're like, yeah, that's David Bowie.

Yeah, it's David Bowie.

It's different.

Yeah.

Nobody says no, and he doesn't have to put it out there.

If David Bowie says hi to you, you're like, yeah, let's get married.

Yeah, she's something else.

Oh, Iman?

Yeah.

She's perfect.

She's a statue.

Yeah.

She's not even full heel.

I bet Ryan would go crazy.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, full circle.

You know, maybe if we can get this clip to Iman,

and she sees his fresh.

I mean, she's a widow.

She's single.

Maybe she's like, oh, shit, look at this guy.

And he's fresh cut.

He likes ass.

And he is a little same coloring as David.

Yeah.

I mean, that's probably the limit of where they're the same.

But yeah,

similar skin pigmentation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Maybe like not as great on the conversation level as David or talent.

It's okay.

But that's fine.

I'm sure Iman's over talking anyway.

Yeah, and she's probably like, yeah, I've heard all the songs.

I don't need you to sing.

No.

Yeah.

No.

So you look like Zoro.

Do you want to tell everybody

what's going on?

I mean, I.

All right.

I'm a little embarrassed.

Yeah.

But if anything on this show, we come clean.

Yeah.

Okay.

Like, you know, sometimes you already know the story, so this is like I'm just retelling for, but okay, you know how I get into altercations with people.

Remember the guy at the fucking hardware store?

Yes, and I and you guys told me, and he was like, Don't talk to guys like that.

Like, he corrected me on how I was driving,

and I was like, oh, I forgot.

Is this the car that was loud?

And he was like, it's so loud.

That's a different guy.

It's a different guy.

That's a different guy.

So I've had like multiple things with people.

Just kind of noticing a pattern here.

Go ahead.

Okay, so I'm at Target, and thankfully, the kids are not with me.

And you know, there's a crosswalk where people you have to stop and then people cross.

Okay.

So I'm fucking, I'm stoked to be at Target.

I'm happy to be there, whatever.

So I'm watching this couple.

I'm looking and like, oh, they're a cute couple.

And then I inch out into the crosswalk, okay?

But I didn't see there was a young lady who had just stepped out.

Okay, like literally just peep her little fucking toe out there.

And I

right on the brakes and I was like, oh my God, you know, and I was like, holy, I'm so sorry.

Well, she doesn't take my apology.

And instead, she starts doing that punishing thing.

You know why she's like, it's a crosswalk.

The pedestrians have the right of way.

It's a crosswalk.

Is that an exaggeration?

Maybe.

Okay.

But I fucking hate her dumb face.

Yeah.

So this dumb is like

educating me me on the function of a crosswalk.

And I'm like.

Yeah, I know.

I screwed up.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'm trying like me a culpa.

I'm sorry.

But she wouldn't accept.

She wouldn't.

She kept going and going and going.

And so finally I was like, listen, you fucking retard.

I know what this is.

And then she takes umbrage with me calling her a fucking retard because she's young.

How young?

She's like.

I don't know, fucking 20 or something.

You know how sensitive this generation is about words.

Sure.

And she's like, oh, I'm a fucking retard.

How dare you call me that?

My sister has Down syndrome.

Oh, boy.

And I go, yeah, it makes sense.

It runs in the family.

You guys are both fucking idiots.

Oh, my God.

I know.

But here's where, so I was cool with just words.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I was like, all right, I'm going to have words.

We're done.

And then she insults me.

And she's, I fucking, I blacked out because I don't even know.

I'm so angry.

Like, cause

she then she says something like, okay, boomer.

Okay, boomer.

And I was like, no, dude.

No.

That's it.

How old?

Don't you?

I mean, dude, she was like, I don't know, dude, like 15, maybe.

I thought she was 20.

Maybe 15.

Maybe like 14.

14.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, she's 14.

Maybe she was 13 or 12.

I don't know.

She had a child.

Was she a child?

She had on the Minecraft shirt.

She had a Minecraft shirt.

So maybe 13.

Anyway.

13 or 10.

I don't fucking know her age.

Just stop, you know,

the fact that she calls me a boomer.

I'm very proud to be Gen X.

I'm very proud to be Gen X.

Don't call me a fucking boomer.

Yeah.

And then she's getting up into the side of the car and she's like, why don't you get out, bitch?

Why don't you get out, bitch?

And like, I haven't fought since grade school, since fucking my seventh grades with,

you know what?

I've told stories before.

I've been in physical fights with people.

Yeah.

So I was like, all right, bitch.

Let's go.

You made my pussy drop.

Yep.

So I fucking, I hit her.

She hit me.

You know, shit was thrown.

Whatever.

It's cool.

You're a mother.

What are you doing, man?

I know, but she called me a boomer.

I'm not a fucking boomer, dude.

I'm Gen X, and I'm very proud of that.

All right.

Okay.

So.

Anyways, she's fucked up.

And she hit you?

She hit me.

I hit her right back.

Okay.

I hit her right back.

What am I supposed to do?

No, no.

This is a when somebody hits you, you're not going to hit her back.

I know.

This is just like an interesting, you look like Walter White.

You look like a crazy person.

So?

Okay.

I am.

I'll tell you the truth.

I didn't really get into a fight.

Oh, you didn't?

Because I got in a fight.

I did.

You did not.

I did.

Can I tell them what really happened then?

Sure.

I had plastic surgery.

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But you did get into a fight.

I got into, yeah.

Which is crazy.

It was over a wave.

Yeah.

Because you're a surfer dude now.

Now that that we're in the surface.

I've been surfing every day, yeah, yeah.

How did why did you get into a fight though?

Because I was going to take a wave, and this guy was like, That's mine.

I was like, What?

I know, because the surfers are very territorial.

Yeah, and I go, what are you talking about?

And then I started to paddle out to it, and he fucking flipped out.

He pulled out a switchblade.

No, yeah,

dang, dude.

Yeah, it was crazy.

And then, how did you find him?

He swung at me with it.

Yeah.

And that's what he left you with.

Like, look at that.

Like, scraped scraped the side of my face.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

That's why you have that bald.

Dude, you and I, summer of fighting.

Yeah.

That's wild.

I hit him.

You hit him back?

And then what happened to him?

I don't know.

He just disappeared.

He surfed away?

I don't think he surfed away.

He kind of floated for a minute, and then I left.

He could be dead.

I guess.

I didn't see anything in the paper.

Dead surfer?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's wild, dude.

It's pretty crazy.

You're having a very interesting summer.

Yeah, I've also been watching a lot of Vietnam stuff.

I know.

It's so much more of a bummer.

I know.

I can't believe you hit a guy in the ocean.

Yeah.

Where did he have a switchblade in his suit?

In his board shorts, yeah.

Wow.

It's pretty nuts.

That's pretty scary.

There I am ripping it up at the Palm Springs Surf Club, yeah.

Yeah, you're really good at surfing.

You're really picking it up.

Yeah, man.

It's just like, I don't know, it's just like being one with nature, it feels like.

Yeah, it is pretty rad when you

get up on that thing, huh?

Yeah.

Anyway,

yeah, you look great.

Well, I'm sorry that guy shaved your face with a knife.

It's wild.

Fucking nuts.

Yeah.

So

I had a bra lift.

Yeah.

And I had my upper blefts done.

Because you know I've been talking about it forever.

If you've been listening to the show, upper blefts.

I fucking hate how.

I learned about the word blefts from you.

Are you good with that?

You're like me.

Because I'm like, I was nervous to tell that story because I don't like to lie.

I can't lie very well.

Not like you.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, Hitler.

So anyway.

Hitler.

I don't know.

You're just kidding.

I don't know why I called you that.

But anyway,

what was I talking about?

I'm on so many drugs.

I don't know.

It's a Hitler summer.

Yeah.

All right, so I have my upper blefts done.

Yes, blasts.

That's the skin.

They remove a little bit of skin.

And then I've got staples in my forehead.

Yeah.

Where they do a brow lift, which is kind of fucking creepy.

And I'm a little upset at you that you won't look at my staples.

Well, I do like making you laugh because you say it hurts and it makes it, you feel like your staples are going to come out.

It's going to rip out, yeah.

But I get those taken out next week, so that's pretty exciting.

That is exciting.

And right now, it's just all bruised and I have to say, I know you're covering up, it's crazy how minimal it is.

Like, you don't, yeah, it barely looks like anything happened.

Yeah, well, you guys will see it when I reveal it.

Yeah, it's gonna be pretty special.

Special.

That's the secret.

It's just

I can show you what you look like.

Okay.

Like what I've seen.

Yeah,

you look like.

Ready?

Go ahead.

Yeah, that's what you look like.

She's a very natural glow.

You look rested.

Yeah.

Everyone's gonna be like, you're gonna be like,

I barely had a new workout.

I can't wait to get that way.

Like Jeff Bezos's new wife.

Oh, my God.

That's so fucking crazy, dude.

Yeah.

That looks nuts.

I know.

And I totally get it now.

Isn't it crazy that she has all the resources in the world?

Yeah.

And she's like.

And you get bad plastic surgery?

Yeah, it's crazy.

No, the secret is to get the best of the best and then do very minimal things.

Fucking nuts.

I know.

She looks gnarly.

Yeah.

No, that's too...

Will you tell me if I go there, though?

No.

Why?

It'll just be too far and I can't say anything.

And I'll just be like, well, she lost her mind.

Yeah, the lips and that.

The lips is like the real tell.

I think you can do some shit to your face as a lady.

Once you go crazy with lips, it's just all, it's over.

Yeah, because this is moderate.

Like, when you guys see it, it's very slight.

It's not, it's not too crazy, but that's, that is not, that's not attractive at all.

It's extreme, but I know how they do it because they get you in that plastic surgeon's office.

It's so fun.

Everybody's laughing.

They're like, oh my God, are you excited for your pain?

And you're like, yeah,

this is not a big deal, right?

And they do shit where they're like, and then you want to do the nose?

Yeah.

And you're like, my, my nose?

And they're like, yeah, you want to just make it a little nicer?

Tweak?

And you're like, oh,

yeah, I'll do my nose.

Okay, so we'll do nose and chin.

We're doing chin.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, you didn't want, oh, we can leave it.

Yeah.

you're like, no, throw that in, yeah, that's a good idea because it becomes like I would never have done this, yeah, before I had all those uh breast cancer surgeries because I would never be like, Yeah, just have a surgery, right?

Because I had gone through so many surgeries last year, I was like, This is a nothing burger, yeah, having my eyes cut up, who gives a shit?

But once you get used to it, that's when it's dangerous, you know what I'm saying?

Um,

your inspiration, one of your inspirations, yeah, for your art path.

Yes, thank you for bringing that up.

Adrian Brody.

Hell yeah, dude.

What's going on with his TikTok?

I don't know.

That's

really weird.

Yeah.

Yo.

This one.

Yo.

What's up, Rob?

What's up with you?

Man,

today is a great day to smile.

What a perfect day to smile.

I want to thank

all the voters at the Golden Globe for

this tremendous honor of getting nominated and also nominating my fellow cast and the film and

all of the hard work that's gone into it.

If we get nominated for bad thoughts, should I do an exact oh my god, yes.

Yo.

I'll go.

It's a great day to smile.

Oh, fuck.

Thank all the voters

for nominating.

Yeah.

Can you even imagine making this?

Can you imagine?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

It's so insufferable.

It's pretty cool.

It's insufferable.

It's like Megan Markle, where she's like, can you bring that TikTok?

Those are so fucking weird, man.

Which ones?

When she's just like,

just

I'm just I'm doing this and I'm reordering and everything's sold out that's the one that's the one everything's sold out I just have to like

how am I gonna I gotta be a mom and I gotta we have so many sales I'm so busy it's so hard working so hard as I work It's just it's insufferable.

But this Adrian Brody, he's on a whole other level.

There's another one where he's like,

are you mad?

Stay mad at me or something.

Like, he's just, I don't know.

He's having all kinds of dialogue in his own head and nobody else is participating.

Hey, everyone, I hope you're having a great day with your friends.

It's a good day to smile.

The sun is shining.

We get it.

The masks are starting to come off.

What?

I think now more than ever, as we celebrate Memorial Day,

we should acknowledge the

tremendous sacrifices, not only of the

brave men and women who have

served in the military.

Yeah.

He cares.

During times of conflict, but okay.

So

I gotta tell you that anytime people do these, they don't care.

There's no way he actually gives a rip.

I mean, it's just weird.

He's done nothing.

Yeah.

He does not care.

Well, it's a good time to bring up your art, though.

Oh, yes.

Thank you so much for doing that.

Exactly.

In honor of our friend here, he inspired me to see the value of my own artwork.

Yes.

um so right now it's still up for sale fuck around and find out uh this is the first this will be the first of many works yes this is the original that i did uh it was on sale for ten thousand dollars now i do think i did not price that correctly i think you're right yeah which is why it is now twenty thousand dollars twenty thousand dollars yeah i think that that is going to someone's gonna pick there yep right there so um if you you didn't purchase it, obviously you missed the chance to get it for basically free.

And you know what?

Fuck around and find out.

Yeah.

Now it's $20,000.

It's $20,000.

You missed your fucking chance.

Yeah.

Good job.

Now you get it.

Now you get it.

Will I sell prints?

I don't know.

I don't know.

It'd be great to have the original.

Talk about value.

Talk about a legacy, owning a piece of work from a timeless artist like myself.

I wonder how this will do at 20.

I think it's going to go so fast.

Yeah.

Unless it's not priced correctly.

And maybe

we'll cross that bridge.

Bump it again.

Who knows?

We'll cross that bridge.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm stoked about it.

So thank you guys.

You know, just find my art.

And since you're obviously, you know,

recovering,

I thought this would make you feel good.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

The goth.

basketball player, Caitlin Dark.

I love this girl.

Is that the name right?

Of course it is.

It's Caitlin Dark?

Yeah, that's her last name, bro.

No.

Real name is Caitlin Cunningham, but I think she goes by Caitlin Dark.

Because she's rad.

I mean, how stoked are you for this?

People have been sending me this check.

She looks badass, really.

I admire it so much.

I mean, I love the dedication to the eye makeup, and she's got to be sweaty, too.

And it just

does it.

Is she Australian?

She's so rad.

I don't know.

I don't know where she's.

Yeah, she's Australian.

Caitlin, I love it.

I wish more players would go goth like this.

Who is driving lesbians wild?

Oh, sweet.

And me.

Maybe I've just got big dick energies, she says.

Yeah, dude.

Nice.

Is she gay or no?

She's not?

No.

It's just that she's a.

But I like what she's doing for gothic visibility.

No, no, no, I'm just referencing the article.

Maybe, maybe she's driving the lesbian, maybe straight guys.

Are you into it?

Yeah.

She's mash.

She's great.

Yes.

I love that she does this before, and I'm surprised they let her do it, which is the best part.

I love it.

She looks great.

She looks great.

I love all the tats.

Look at her.

Ah, what a great build, too.

She's got that lean lesbian body.

Yeah.

Like, there's a girl on the L-word that she looks similar to.

I don't know if she is nice.

We don't know.

We don't know.

Who knows?

This article says she's queer.

Oh, she's queer.

Okay.

She's queer.

She's like 6'2.

You know her height?

Let me look.

She looks tall as she is.

Yeah, she looks really tall.

I love it.

She's great.

I love her eye makeup.

She's got that kind of cholo joker.

She's 6'4.

Dang, dude.

That's wild.

Isn't that a girl?

That's tall as fuck, man.

Yeah, she's awesome.

Do they let players do that?

I know Rodman was doing all kinds of stuff in the 90s.

No, typically you don't see that.

They don't allow it now.

Not really.

I mean, I don't know if it's allowed.

Nobody does that.

I think they should.

A lot of the players these days, especially like the dudes that are young, like talking like 19, 20 going into the league, a lot of them are into,

you know, like painting their nails.

And they're just, it's way more uh a part of that the culture now i feel like like straight guys yeah straight guys and they're wearing stuff you know stuff that any's a fan of just like yes right just like cool cool stuff yeah like what

you know what i'm talking about right any oh yeah check my nails it's freshly painted yeah you know how it is but you know what i mean though how you see that now in the league uh i don't see it in the league i mean i don't really watch sports you know what i'm saying so oh yeah a lot of a lot of the the

fit checks are like fit checks Yeah, they're

a little swishy, but it's kind of really yeah, and you'll see like the older guys are like, yo, what the fuck?

But the young guys are all into it.

Yeah.

Well, we're all evolving into one unisex thing.

Yeah.

You know, it's going that way.

That's cool.

I like it, boys.

I can see this more.

This is like the norm.

This is the fucking bust.

Yeah.

Any check this shit out, man.

Hey, boss, they finished cleaning out the empty stalls.

Thanks, Mark.

What's up, boss?

The stables used to be full.

I don't know, but if we don't fill these stables soon, we'll have to shut down the ranch.

Things will get better.

Just you wait and see.

Let's hope so.

All this bullshit is stressing me out.

Let me see if I can make you feel better.

Oh, that's a nice massage.

Hell yeah.

That sure is a good start.

Then let's continue on.

Hell yeah.

Wow.

You know, I don't think you could actually cast somebody to act like, like, I could try to recreate this with actors, and I don't think you can.

Well, explain.

What do you mean?

Like,

you can't get a good actor to give you this performance.

You just have to cast shit actors.

Like, you have to find

the magic of the shit acting to deliver this.

Right.

It's incredible.

Like, they're terrible actors.

And that's amazing because they're in everything.

Like, every clip from this era is just the shittiest acting.

It's so cool.

You'd think at one point they would hire a coach

just to say, hey guys, the inflection, just try to change it.

I wouldn't.

Every line is exactly the same.

They all change.

And every line.

The same cadence.

Yo, how much I charge?

200.

We'll do anything you want.

Anything.

Anything.

Y'all kissed.

Kiss.

Yeah.

Shaking his head.

Anyway.

$200.

$200.

You couldn't just make $200 fucking dollars by your dance.

How does that shit feel?

Is it worth it?

Maybe they wanted to.

They didn't even give him $200.

That's just for fucking free?

God damn, man.

But I'm telling you, it doesn't bother him as much as the black

guys do.

Black gay kisses.

Black gay kisses bother him than like.

Yeah.

On his scale of what bothers him, it's black gay kisses that bother him the most.

You know, we're stupid.

Hey, Khalil,

we got to get more black gay kisses.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Please, Zoa, get on it.

Oh, my God.

I'm so excited.

That movie that you guys wanted me to watch.

Yeah.

That you did the music for any?

What?

That I did the music for?

You know.

You do the soundtrack.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So you watched it?

No, you didn't see it yet.

It's not out yet.

It's going to be on Apple TV any minute.

Yeah.

Like a day or two.

Yeah.

I can't watch it without thinking of this.

I know.

Now every time we see trailers for it, we just hear you going,

bro.

You don't have to watch.

You don't have to think about me.

They do it in the movie.

They do it in the fucking movie.

I've had people message me.

They're like, bro, I watched that movie again.

And every time I hear the,

I just, it ruins it.

And it's like, you ruined that.

Bro, you know that, like, shit.

Now you're just awake.

The trailer.

Like, it's so funny because you're the first person that I've met, literally, that has shit on this movie.

And, like, the trailer comes up and it starts with the best film of the year.

And then I hear Ennie being like, this bullshit.

Oh, my staples are going to rip out.

Trash.

It's trash.

It's trash.

It's trash.

You can't fucking buy me, man.

I don't care how much you pay me.

I ain't saying that movie is good.

$200.

$200.

Oh, my God.

Would you French kiss a blip tip?

Not for $200,000.

$200,000?

Wow.

Just a lip kiss, not a French.

No, because how am I going to...

No, because I can't afford not sleeping.

There's no price that fixes that.

I'm so afraid.

That's not.

He's so afraid.

I kiss dick tips.

I kiss dick tips, too.

That's fucked.

Yo, I so that shit.

I would kiss pussy tips, too.

Hey, this mic is falling, guys.

It's a limp dick.

It's a limp dick.

It keeps going.

Meow.

Okay, hold on.

I got to go pish anyway.

Okay.

And I asked, what is this?

What is what?

It's a camera.

So you peed?

I pissed.

I love it.

I walked by the monitor, and those two guys are friends.

Bro, it's right in front of my fucking face.

Like, can we?

We could do something else.

All right.

All right.

Beautiful soul.

So I want you to ask yourself, what are you feeding your pussy today, beautiful soul?

Go in with intention and self-love and self-care.

Think about how it's going to digest in your body and attach to that pussy and what it's going to do, beautiful soul.

If you eat the fruit, it's going to go in that pussy and fruitify it.

Meaning it's going to heal it and clean it and just flourish it with

a good-ass drip.

And I'm going to say that as kind as I can.

That's so true.

Is that true?

I mean, I don't know know that fruit fortifies the pussy, but I do know that yogurts are good probiotics and such for the

environment of the pussy.

Yep.

I just love everybody's into self-care now.

Self-care is big.

But we got to clean that pussy out, beautiful.

So the fruits go in the body and they sweep the lymphatic drains.

You do have lymphatic nodes in that pussy.

Okay, you got parasites in that pussy.

So you got to help that pussy get clean.

In this day and age, we're affected by too many things.

So we got to take time with ourselves, take time with intention on our intake along with the products.

Beautiful soul.

Beautiful soul.

So, what you feeding that pussy today, love

ask yourself.

I can say I've never seen a message like this before.

No, yeah, in all the years we've been doing this show.

Uh, vegan vagina, that guy that was, oh, yeah, that's yeah, that's different.

No, he was drinking the smoothies, he wouldn't tell you to do it, right?

But he liked, he preferred vegan vaginas, is what his deal was.

Yeah, that was pretty cool.

But this is not, I agree with her.

This can't be wrong.

No,

how can it be wrong?

It can't be bad to eat healthy for your pussy health.

Yeah, I think I normally hear eat fruit,

but it's just like, hey, it's good for you, fiber.

Sure.

You know, it's a nice source of energy for you.

Not correlated to.

Never heard it been like fruitify your pussy.

Fruifify.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree.

But speaking of your browns,

how have your browns been since we've been in the south?

Great.

See, what's going on?

Great.

What's going on?

Great Browns.

I don't know why.

Not a sloppy one since we've been here.

I mean,

not always the best, but I've had some really good ones, yeah.

What do you think it is?

What is happening to you?

I don't know.

Is it just stress-free lifestyle at the beach?

Maybe.

Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe.

I mean, is the food that different that I'm eating?

I don't think so.

Well, you're traveling a lot, so it's different bacteria.

Traveling always sleep.

Motherfucker.

Beautiful sow.

Beautiful sow?

yeah you told me a beautiful story today about you and your trainer oh yeah so I've been working out here I found a gym like 10 minutes from our place which is great yeah small gym uh which I prefer honestly like small

private sessions um really like great equipment and and like really knowledgeable people there so I hit them up and I've just been going for sessions like every other day I've been going

the dudes And I was in there today.

I went a little earlier

and I'd had before I had,

let's see, I had some fruit.

I had a banana for my dick.

Right.

And then I had

a little bit of like half a meal bar just to have like a little

food in me.

And we were training and we were doing

farmers walks with these huge like the strongman ones

and he was setting it up and like, I was like, oh, I feel, I feel like a fart coming.

So I kind of walked away from him, like, not even that far, maybe like 15 feet away.

And he was talking to me about like the

technique of like how to pick it up and like short, fast walks.

And he's putting weights on it because it has like these, you know.

pillars that come out and he was putting weights on it and I stood like 50 and I looked at him and I was like, oh, I'll just like fart over here and it'll like And I didn't think it was going to make any noise.

And it made so much noise.

It was like one of the loudest, longest farts I've had.

And I looked at him as I was doing it.

Yeah.

You did eye contact?

Yeah, I did eye contact.

And I was like, right, right.

And he was like, yeah, so like, you know, short, fast steps.

I go, right.

And it was like, you know, like, just like a.

And as I was doing that, he, he just was like,

Yeah, so then just keep and then slide them down over here and then turn around and do it back.

You looked looked at hold on.

You're standing there.

And there was never any discussion about it.

Nothing.

Like nothing.

Nothing came about it.

Do you think there's two possibilities?

Either this guy is your soulmate and nothing need be said.

Yeah.

Or this guy is so mortified by you as a human being that he was like, I can't even address this.

I tell you what, I was thinking about it, too.

I think it's that he is around,

because

there's a couple people that without trying to blow up their spot, there's some savages that go here Okay, and I think he's used to just animalistic behavior and that he was just like yeah, this is just how certain dudes are

And like there's not even a need to address it.

They're just beef machines.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's just like it's another guy who farts

Yeah

He's so accustomed to piggery Yeah, that he's like whatever dude.

Yeah.

Yeah, that must be it.

That's gotta be it.

It's gotta be it.

Especially if there's no women.

Are there any women there?

I mean, there's women who train there, but like, it's not, there's not 10 people walking around.

But I'm saying, was there a woman in the room when I was in the middle of the day?

When I did that, no.

A woman had left.

She was there and she had left.

She had trained before me.

Because that might be why

you felt liberated to do so.

Oh, yeah.

He was like, whatever.

Whatever, dude.

Yeah.

Because I train in Texas at that weightlifting place that's all like,

you know, ex-military and like real, real dudes.

Real psycho dudes.

And I have a feeling when I'm there, they hold it together just a tiny bit.

Yeah, that's standard behavior.

Yeah, like, even here's the thing: it doesn't have to do just when women are around, you dial it back just

a pinch.

And then, if it's just dudes, you're like, fuck it.

Yeah.

I know, because you know, I love these period peace type shows, and they're like, you know, women shouldn't be allowed in drinking parlors because they can hear unsavory things.

And I'm like, oh my God, not in our house.

That is the complete fucking odds.

And you and your your

circle of fucking demons that you hang out with.

Those women are barely women.

I know.

I know.

They're pigs, but that's why I like them.

I know.

When we went to Puerto Vallarta, it's funny.

So

one of the girls that's on the trip, her mother's from Guatemala, and her Guatemalan mother was like, oh, be careful.

You're going to get sex trafficked in Mexico.

And he was like,

we're not getting trafficked.

We're all 50 years old.

Nobody wants these old bodies, these old pussies, these old fucking,

I got something special for you, man.

I got these four 50-year-old brats.

Who's sex trafficking?

And then I'm like, what?

50-year-old?

No.

Like, maybe they'll kidnap me to cook for them or something.

Yeah, but you're past the.

Oh, way past trafficking.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

If you were 19, they'd be like, yes, scoop them up.

Scoop them up.

Yeah.

That is the nice thing about aging is that you're beyond those problems.

Like nobody's going to probably roofie me at a party anymore.

That's done.

It's great.

I can just enjoy myself now.

Right.

They're just like, oh, I would have roofied you

years ago.

That's cool.

Would you roofy me now?

Yeah, I would.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You would.

Yeah, if I didn't know you, sure.

I'd drug you.

Sweet, babe.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Thanks for saying.

I'd tie you up, keep you in a fucking basement.

Thanks, buddy.

You know, this is interesting because last night you told me that I was cold as ice and a sociopath.

Yeah.

And I think actually you're the one that's more.

Oh, you are.

You're mentally ill.

But

it's a kind that I'm familiar with and I still love you.

All my stitches are staples or something.

So

we had this back and forth about it because you were like...

You were saying it's me.

Yeah, but no, we're just going to put this out there.

Sure.

Zolo.

Yes.

I want you to find somebody to come in when we go back to Texas

to test Christina, I, and anybody on the staff that wants to take a test for like antisocial personality disorder and have them, you know, get like vet like a really good person for it.

Then we'll all submit our tests, and then we want them to come on the show and basically review people.

Well,

let's talk about this because there's different levels.

There are just people that are, you said, I don't have feelings.

I'm very emotional.

I'm cold.

Yeah, I mean, mean, you're cold and yeah, yeah, you're you're very Eastern European, right?

Yeah, but then there's personality disorder, right?

Which is which pretty much I think Eastern Europe falls into that under the DSM is yeah, antisocial personality disorder is yeah, but then there's you lack of empathy, yeah, lack of remorse, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't have the same problem, like feeling things.

I'm like, I don't know, why are you smiling?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's just cultural, too.

I mean, that's weakness.

Smiling is weakness, But, but you, but your thing with like

your enjoyment of watching murders and killings.

I mean, I keep saying the same thing to you.

Everybody's watching these shows.

You act like it's made for me.

These shows are like number one.

Yeah, but I also think that like you, you're not

up in your feelings all the time either, you know?

I would say,

I would say, I mean, okay, let's just say, let's look at bad thoughts.

Okay, granted, the show is called bad thoughts for a reason.

Yeah.

I mean, that literally came from your sick, mentally ill mind.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's your, that's what's inside of that.

That's your noodle.

So,

I mean, listen, I was, I, I was DMing with Tom Green because the kids discovered his brilliant sandwich bit.

Oh, yeah.

Just a little more, a little more olives.

Yeah.

A little more lemons.

A little mayo on that.

A little more cheese.

It's brilliant.

and it still holds up all of this shit is still funny and i dm'd him and i was like hey my kids found a little more olives and everything and he's like great show them the bum bum song and of course they loved that and then uh and then he said something like i really love tom's show and and i was like next time you're in texas you know come over for dinner whatever and he's like all right as long as you don't think i'm um you know, mentally ill.

And I was like, no, Tom's way more mentally ill than you.

Oh, my God.

If you look at the content the two of you put out, I mean, who's crazier?

You or Tom Green?

Well, no, it's different types of crazy.

That's all it is.

Let's talk about it.

Well, you're the craziest of all.

Yeah.

See how you throw stones?

And it's always the people that are the most mentally ill that will never admit to being mentally ill.

I know I'm mentally ill.

You don't even acknowledge your

shadow self.

I acknowledge some of it.

I acknowledge there's a bit of it.

But you're the real.

I know I am.

I admit that I know where my dark areas are.

I don't even think you know where they are.

Where mine are?

You don't even know.

I know that I'm not 100% normal.

Where would you say your blind spots are

to normalcy?

Where do you think?

Fucking deal with this bullshit.

Stupid bitch.

I did not say that.

Fuck up.

Yeah, that's what you fucking said.

No, I said it with my eyes, but I didn't say it.

Okay, this will be interesting then.

Yeah.

If we get a set.

Fucking.

The shrink's going to have it.

He's going to have to.

I know who's the most mentally ill on

our team.

You want to guess?

I already know.

Who?

I think everybody knows.

Should we all say the name at the same time?

Who?

On the count of three, one, two, three.

And me.

Yeah.

Yeah, any.

Yeah, me.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, me.

Yeah.

They'll have a field day with him.

Also, I'm definitely just going to gaslight him, though.

Yeah, of course.

Oh, you have to.

I'm going to make him say I'm fucking perfect.

It's no idea he's gonna be like he's like the fucking greatest guy but you're gonna are you gonna answer the questions honestly or dishonestly uh well define honestly well like that's psychologist like for the form would you would you say what you really think on it or no uh it's like you know yes okay but but you'll dial it back a little bit you see it's like you know it's context context matters yes i agree yeah but they know that that's why they're gonna ask you the same question 10 different ways so eventually they're gonna get some level of your insanity.

That's true.

They should be able to get some of it.

By the way, I watched Mickey 17.

Have you seen that?

Me?

No, the guys.

Oh, no, I haven't watched that.

Dude.

You liked it.

It was really good.

You really liked it.

He's fantastic, man.

That boy from Twilight?

Well, he's a great actor, but I mean,

the director, the guy that made Parasite, what's his name?

Bongo.

Bongjoon-ho.

Bongjoon ho.

Bongjoon-ho, man, he can, he really does put it.

Speaking of the Korean food's delicious here, isn't it?

I think I ordered some Bongjoon.

You don't get Korean food like

no, you don't get Korean food like you do in Cali.

Outside of Seoul, like here, it's the best, dude.

LA,

Korean food is unbelievable.

Hands down, the best.

You know what we have been educating our boys on are the good comedies that we grew up on, like Space Balls.

That has been the most fun.

That's been really fun.

Yeah.

Space Balls, I'm into Police Academy with Julian.

I fast-forward through the inappropriate stuff, but he really loves The Wrong Missy.

Yeah, which has a lot of inappropriate stuff.

I forward through a ton of it.

But if I don't, would you, what's her name?

Car plus.

Lauren Carr Plus.

Is that her name?

I can't read it.

Lapkiss.

Lapkiss.

Lauren Lapkiss.

She's amazing.

She's so funny.

And God damn it.

I could watch her do anything.

She's really good.

And Spade, of course, is fantastic, too.

This one's funny.

And what else?

Back to the Future.

We showed them that one.

That was awesome.

Back to the Future.

They watched Back to the Future.

They're like, and Back to the Future, Future, by the way, is an absolutely perfect movie.

It's

fun.

Not a wasted frame of film in this movie.

It's just so well executed.

And then we're watching Back to the Future Part 2.

And at the end of Back to the Future Part 2,

Michael J.

Fox is in a scene with Michael J.

Fox, right?

Like

there's two of them, and he's and the one of them is trying to make sure that the other one doesn't see him.

And then the one leaves and he goes, Julian's like, wait a minute, there's two of them.

And I'm like, no, he's back in the past now.

And he goes, what?

I go, that's the fucking whole premise of the movie.

Damn, kid.

Like, what do you think is happening?

He's like, what year is it?

I'm like, it's 1950.

They're in 1955.

He's like, 1955.

And I go, yeah, man.

Like, what do you think is happening?

So crazy to try to explain it to a kid.

You know, he laughs at the slapstick stuff.

He likes slapsticks, so I'm happy to teach him that.

And we're in Star Wars.

We're watching the Star Wars stuff.

The kids love, you know, burying the figurines that we got them in the beach.

What's crazy is we had their cousins come over yesterday and it's all girls.

And

seeing the girl parents watch

the boys was so fun.

Hilarious.

Because one of them pulled me aside and they're like, hey,

your little guy just punched him in the head.

And then he jumped on his back, but he didn't do anything back to him.

I go, oh, yeah, they're just fucking around.

He goes, he hit them pretty hard.

Yeah.

And he laughs when he hits them really hard.

It's called playing.

Yeah.

at one point, three little girls were in our room bathing, right?

Like they're in the bathtub, and I'm watching a show and they're like, they're silent, just giggling.

And I was like, if this were our two boys, it would be screaming and water everywhere.

A flood.

And I'm like, having girls is like having one girl is like, no, no, two girls is one dog.

And when they left, they were like, thank you for Tommy.

And they each gave me a hug and and they were like, Will you come with us?

I was like, No, I have to stay here with these fucking heathens.

I wish I could.

Can you stay?

I do.

I know yesterday they came over and they're like, We're going to go in the pool.

And you were like, Great.

I'm staying here.

Yeah.

Because you're away in the pool.

Yeah, go up there.

No, they're fucking psychos, dude.

Yeah, they're crazy kids.

You started taking pictures of people.

Oh, yeah.

Tommy F.

Stopped.

Yeah.

I started a photography account because

I love photographs.

Yeah.

And I got so excited.

I mean, you know, one of my closest confidants is Sean, my photographer.

And so I'm always around him.

He's a great photographer taking photographs.

And I don't know.

I just, I love taking photos.

I just do.

I love it.

And so I just started taking photos.

I take them on film cameras and I get those developed.

I love the process.

Then I got a good digital one

and I've been buying lenses.

I'm just nerding out.

I love it.

And I post it.

I just want you to know some people are writing.

They're like, this is gay.

Tom, this is gay.

And I just, I try to tell them that it's going to get gayer.

Like, it's the beginning

of how gay it'll be.

Yeah, there's Tom Yeftop right there.

But I tell them.

that I'm going to keep posting.

And, you know, some people encourage me.

Some people say very mean things to me about it.

But I just want you to know that I'll never stop doing it.

No.

And you know what?

Some people are not going to appreciate your art.

And some people won't pay you what your art is worth, too.

Oh, right.

Yeah, maybe I should start charging for each of these, right?

I think you should.

That's a good idea.

I think you should.

But that's cool.

But you're taking portraits of people.

Sometimes portraits, sometimes just landscapes, sometimes just whatever is, I don't know, just anything.

Half-eaten burrito.

Yeah.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah.

Those are so good in California, by the way.

The best breakfast burrites.

Do you?

So, like, you walk up to a lady and you'll be like, Yeah, hey, can I take your portrait?

Well, I've found, so here's the thing about the because my fit, I think my you discover like what are your favorites, right?

So, there's some landscape stuff that you love to do, like, you see something like beautiful, you want to take a photo of, like, in Iceland, like, it's incredible.

Oh, my God, that's a really good picture.

It's like a national geographic talk.

So, you, you know, there's this kind of stuff, and then there's the portraits of people.

I think my favorite are portraits of people.

I love that guy in New York.

That's Leonard, yeah.

Yeah.

So I like that stuff the most, I think.

I don't know.

It's always a discovery, right?

But there's the whole thing, like him I know.

So it's like, it's comfortable to say, hey, you mind if I take your photo?

But on the street, it's like you get this kind of rush.

It's kind of exciting to see somebody with like a unique look.

And you go, you want to ask them, right?

But it's also, I find it very intimidating because my, my general way of being is like, don't bother people.

Like I always live by like, don't bother anyone, you know?

So now I'm doing this and I have to like, I want to ask people, can I take your photo?

And it's challenging.

And I was, I was asking other photographers how they do it.

And one of them was like, well, the best thing you can do is you give a compliment to somebody first, which is like, it's just a good way to, and you're going to sense right away if if it is a vibe with the person and they say no like I've had people say no and then say yes, but you go like oh like you know, you look amazing like this is such a cool look.

You look like cool mode.

Can I take your photo, right?

And then sometimes they say yeah, and so the other thing I've been doing is I offer an exchange.

So I go, I'll say like, hey, you have, you have such a, like, I'll go, oh my God, I'm sorry to bother you, but you have such an amazing look.

Do you mind if I take your photo?

And if they say yes, I go, I'll show you my penis afterwards.

You know, so that way, like you get something, I get something.

Everybody wins.

Yeah.

That's a perfect and that's I've been getting so many yeses after that.

Yeah.

I'm like I showed him and yeah, other people.

He loved your penis.

Oh yeah.

He was like, that's nice.

Thank you for showing me your penis.

That's so cool, Tom.

And I bet people feel really rewarded when that's what they get.

Well, then, because I also, I give a, I'll comment.

I'll go, it's fully flaccid right now.

There's more.

There's more to this penis.

There's more to this if you will just give me a moment.

Wow, that's a really cool idea.

And I don't think any other photographer has this right here.

She was looking right at my penis when I took this.

Wow.

That's why she's smiling.

That's so cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, that's a nice way to get a natural reaction out of a girl.

Yeah.

So one thing I found is like strange women love dick talk.

Like if they don't know you, they want to talk about your dick.

That's so true.

Yeah.

That's great.

She looks like a really innocent sweet she was really sweet she was really sweet yeah she was a barista yeah so you showed her in the the coffee in the coffee shop so everybody saw it but oh that's cool i was like i want your photo so how about you get it but look how happy she is when she saw your painter it's been working it's been working it's been working yeah that's great yeah what a great method yeah so it's also a tip if you're an amateur photographer like i am there's a little tip that i learned

offer up your genitals

people are like oh wow, that's really cool.

Yeah.

I think a lot of photographers

took photographs of models, I think they did that stuff, like in the 70s.

Yeah, I don't know if it was exactly as we're talking about, but yeah.

I think a lot of dudes showed their dicks in exchange for it.

There was Sedona.

You see these?

Oh, right.

That's Sedona.

Keep going.

Yeah, that was really fun.

That was a nice trip.

That's where I talked to the aliens.

There I am.

There I am.

Just talking to the river.

Talking to the river.

Vortex, making fucking contact, dude.

Yeah.

Duckies.

What's up, ducks?

Yep.

john feliciano there's john that was a beautiful sedona yeah that was pretty spiritual and shit yeah beautiful nice shots

thanks

um

yeah so pleased with yourself that yeah those were really nice you know what i'm working on now is

i mean i've just tell me if you're open to it i would love to draw you

nude

i would love that really of course you would be down to pose a model for you, yeah, sure.

Oh, that would be great because you have such an exquisite body and shape, and your penis is, I mean, as you can tell, it just brings so much joy to people.

I would love to sketch it.

Yeah.

So I think first we should just do it in graphite, see how that goes.

Yeah.

And then, yeah.

Do you want to work off of a photo of me or do you want to just

pose?

I want you to sit for me.

Sit for you.

Like in art school, you know, they usually pay homeless people $50.

I don't know that that's

class.

It's true in San Francisco.

Shauna told me that when she was in art school, they'd pay like homeless people to sit.

50.

Or like students, maybe, maybe not homeless.

Yeah, I don't know why they had to pay.

I'd be homeless.

But I think that would be a fantastic way for homeless people to make money.

That's a good idea.

Is to pose for art students.

Oh, it's a great bit of advice.

Practice it.

If you're out there and you're homeless, go to art school.

Go to an art school.

Right.

You're not going to afford art school.

You're homeless.

Knock or if they don't hear you scream.

And then when they're like, what is it?

You're like, I'm ready to pose.

No, stop it.

I can't move my forehead.

Yeah.

It's pretty cool, man.

Supposed to keep it still.

Yeah.

Can you imagine you have your homeless model?

Yeah.

Ah!

And they're like, this guy's really hard to draw.

He keeps screaming.

Milk tits, man of there.

And he's got

Tourette's and shit.

Sure, yeah.

And Osar.

I'm sorry, hand.

Like the mip jacket.

Yep, yep.

Yep, yep.

Bollboy.

You fat black.

And they're like, oh, kidoki.

But imagine how easy it would be.

But they stay still for a long time.

That's the good thing.

They're used to sitting still.

because

you know what I mean?

Are you holding your forehead up?

You think it's gonna be a little bit more?

I'm holding it still.

I'm not holding it up, I'm holding it still sitting up.

Is the stain gonna fall down?

Yeah, the staples will pop out if I like

it.

I have to keep it stationary.

He sort of got my surgeon, told me not to, like, you're supposed to do a lot.

He was like, don't laugh.

No, you can laugh, but like, I'm not supposed to bend over or like put blood flow to it.

That would be crazy right now if blood just just started streaming down your face.

If we just saw blood trickling from all these open sutures.

And we're like, oh God.

Oh my God.

Because literally, there's literally, there's staples in my fucking head.

Here you are.

Google like

eyebrow, eyebrow lift staples.

Oh, geez.

I swear to God, it's so fucking gnarly.

And he won't look at them.

And I keep wanting to show you what it looks like.

I'm not even sure how the fuck they keep the staples in my skull.

Like, is it, it's just on the layer of skin?

It's not into my skull.

I don't know.

Like, how the fuck did that guy staple it?

There's like, like a row of staples here and a row of staples here.

And I have to put bacatrin on it or some shit.

Here, look at this.

That ain't it.

Look.

That's it.

That's what it looks like.

Yeah.

Isn't that that is in my head right now.

Look at this one over here.

Look at this.

No, I don't trust you.

You fuck.

He's going to puke, I know.

No, he's not.

Yes, he is.

No, he's look.

He's fine.

The double bird.

You fucker.

You're such a fucking.

You know that?

You psycho.

No, you're crazier than me.

For fucking sure, you're crazier than me.

You show your wife that's got emetophobia of barf shit.

Well, I was.

I'm trying to tell you my medical problems.

I didn't put it in.

Yes, you did.

I did not.

Yes, you did.

I did not.

You told Josh to put it in.

They may have.

I don't remember.

How are they going to take them out?

Can you, can you, because I'm so curious because it's going to hurt, dude?

How are they going to rip staples out of my, out of my skull?

I don't know.

Like, are they going to use like a staple or remover?

Yeah, the one from Office Depot.

Yeah.

I'm sick of it.

They're going to go to Staples and then they're just going to rip it out.

Or smart and final.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're smart.

Well, all sales are final.

Yep.

I think they're done at.

You're like, ah, that's what I mean.

It's they're in there.

I don't know why you didn't let me do the surgery.

I could have done it.

I could have done it, dude.

Yo, you should see my surgeon's beautiful baby hands.

Oh, so soft.

Dude, he's got like lady hands.

Like, they're like,

I've shook hands with plastic surgeons.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Yeah.

Literally, his hands are like the tiny hands like mine.

Yeah.

And softer

and nicer.

And he's like a regular size dude.

Yeah.

And like, I just, I saw, like, yeah,

I would do this and see Jean.

Well, here's what happened.

So, first, I saw him two years ago.

First of all, there was like a year waiting list to get to see this guy.

He's like the best of Beverly Hills, right?

Yeah.

So, I thought, I meet with him two years ago, and he goes, yeah, you've got a lot of skin up here.

Do you sleep on the left side?

I go, yeah.

He goes, I can tell because that side is mashed.

He's like, really simple.

Lunch hour procedure.

We're just going to trim the skin off your eyelids and stitch them up.

A week, take the stitches out, you're fine.

And that is a nothing burger.

The eyelids don't, that is nothing.

Anyway, I haven't seen him in a couple years because I had cancer.

I was supposed to have it done, whatever.

And I go see him like a week and a half ago, and he goes, huh,

something's changed.

And I was like, yeah, dude, I'm fucking older, fatter, uglier.

Of course, I'm rotting.

I'm decaying.

Like, what do you mean?

Something's changed.

And then he's like, yeah, we're going to, I want to do a brow lift too.

And he, and I was like, just please don't make me look like,

how's everybody doing?

Yeah.

And he goes, no.

He's like, that's everybody's worst fear.

I'll never, I won't do that.

It's going to be very moderate.

And I was like, all right, dude.

Yeah.

And you're saying, what should I get done?

You're saying I should get done.

Oh, you need everything.

You need to go the full.

They need to, you know, in fucking Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, rip that whole face off and then stick it back on tighter.

Everything?

No, here's what you need to do.

I would do a lower blephro plastic because your eye bags are pretty heavy.

Yep.

And then maybe, I don't know, raise the brow a little bit.

I don't know, because you're a man, though.

Yeah, I'm a guy.

And he does men.

Of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should definitely blacken your beard.

That'll make you look younger.

If you make the beard and the eyebrows black, and then you have to get white veneers.

I pull it back like this.

Big white teeth.

That makes you look so young.

It's great to be in Philadelphia.

How are you guys doing?

You want to hear some jokes?

That's going to be me.

Get the veneers.

Okay.

I'm telling you, that looks so nice.

Sounds nice.

When you're old and you have solid white teeth.

Huge white teeth.

It looks good.

Yes.

All right.

We're going to take a well, we're going to wrap it up.

And

we'll be back next week and hopefully with a whole new look.

Whole new look, dude.

Excited.

We'll see.

We'll see you guys in two and two.

Ends of deal, man.

For strove.

Ends a deal, man.

For strove.

Ends the deal man

Four stroke and the deal man

And he came in four strokes

Oaks mess with the small death bit

Smokes and that with a small death bit four throat

Smokes mess with the small that bit We want the leaves have a good feel So mess with the small that bit for stroke

Snow comes with a small that bit We want the leave of a good

North now.

Right now, right now, right now, right in North Mail.

Right now, right now, right now, right now, right now, reading your now.

four throats, and the key on there

four

throats, and the key on there

four throats

Smoke smoke snowman

smoke, smoke, snows men in a manner

for

Smoke Smoke Snow Matth Manning Man, Smoke, Smoke, Snows Man, and Matt Met Four,

Red Red Rub, Stratford Smoke, Snow, Snoke, Snoke, Matth Man, Matt, Smoke, Smoke, Snows Man, Man, I'm in a Matt Man Four,

red, rap,

smoke, smokes, motto, math, men, and men, smokes, smokes, muzzle, and a man in men.

Four or

six.