A Horny Cowboy For Christina's Birthday w/ Johnny Pemberton | Your Mom's House Ep. 815

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Welcome to another episode of your Mom's House.

Happy birthday, Gene.

Thanks, Gene.

It's your born day.

It's my born day.

And here's what I've decided.

I am supposed to be 49.

Yeah.

But fuck that shit.

Fuck it.

I'm going to take 48 over again because it sucked such donkey balls with, you know, having cancer.

You had your Invisalign.

We've all suffered this year.

It's been a rough year.

So the double bird to 48 as it was.

Yep.

Fuck that shit.

I'm 48 again.

You're 48 again.

That's a real chick thing to say.

Yeah.

Chicks do that.

Why not?

Why is that a girl thing?

It's a girl thing to be like,

I'm done this year over again.

You know what?

Let me tell you something.

I'll tell you this year over again.

And my friends, we're going to celebrate.

It's my year.

You know what?

Can I tell you something?

You know this.

The audience doesn't.

I took my girlfriends,

my BFFs, we went to Mexico.

You did.

Fuck my stoma.

Yeah.

We laughed.

We cried.

We had the best time.

That's awesome.

And then I also understand.

Why women are super annoying because I will give it to you that we just say too many words.

Yeah, chicks talk a lot.

Yeah.

And there's, and I wasn't drinking because I don't want to drink through my meds because I'd ruined my meds.

And there was a point when we were flying home where I was like, shut the fuck up.

Everybody drink.

Some broad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I love them.

But yeah, I get, I get why men are like, Jesus Christ.

How they, how men just go,

huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How much of what I say registers with you?

Be honest.

I think a lot.

No.

Yeah.

I see your eyes eyes glaze over.

Well, that happens.

It's a percentage.

Yeah.

Well, what's the percentage?

I don't know.

You don't know because you're not listening.

No, I'm saying to do a full analysis.

I don't think

you're not like that.

I'm not that mouthy.

No.

You know why?

That's why, why?

Because my dad trained me.

Yeah.

Good job, dad.

Yeah.

He was like, don't, women talk too lunch.

You're good.

You're a novo.

You don't talk too lunch.

You don't.

You know who talks the perfect amount?

Yeah.

Heather Mills.

Heather, who works here, yeah.

Because she keeps to herself.

And then it's like, Do you want it?

What do you want for lunch?

Oh, you like it?

Can I get you a coffee?

And you're like, That's perfect.

I mean, she says a little more than that, but yeah, she's very creative.

She's brilliant.

Yeah.

And like, I like, I like when women connect with stories.

I, I mean, I'm sorry, connect with feelings.

Like, we talk about real things.

Yeah.

You guys just sit around and tell stories.

You don't even talk to each other properly.

Properly.

No, I'm serious.

We have a good time.

Not really.

Yeah, we do.

You guys just tell stories, but you don't connect with each other.

I think we do.

Okay, well, how come every time you come back from being with your boyfriends, I'll ask a basic question like, how is so-and-so's wife doing?

What's up with their mother?

Or how's their health thing?

And you're like, I don't know.

We didn't talk about that.

Yeah, because that's what I'm saying.

We have a good time.

We don't talk about shit like that.

We're like, what's up with your car?

Yeah, it's all you guys care about.

Your arms look good.

What have you been doing?

Yeah.

Kind of get your arm workout.

Yeah.

Ugh.

I feel like that's, you know, that's one way to communicate.

And I've enjoyed that in green rooms for years.

Yeah.

You guys just sit around and tell the same thing.

No, it's true.

You know what you need?

Honestly, you just need a little, you need a little bit of both.

You need a balance.

You need a balance, yeah.

You need some chicks around so you can open up, talk about some feelings, and then guys to like, you know, tell some stories, tell everybody, laugh, have a good time.

Yeah.

And then, and then you shut the fuck up.

Everybody shuts up.

Yeah.

And then everyone shuts up.

But guys intuitively shut up.

That's the thing.

You hang out with guys.

So sure.

You talk, and then the guys are just like.

You're like, that was enough.

Yeah.

No, I see you guys do it in the green rooms.

Like, I know when the boys are quiet, don't talk.

Yeah, yeah.

Do not say a fucking word.

What the fuck's up with this talking?

Yeah.

Even with you, like, I see when you're thinking thoughts, because you look at your thoughts, you'll look down and go.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, he's thinking I shouldn't.

Thanks.

I shouldn't hinder that.

I shouldn't talk to him.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, I can't.

I will say, I think you're really good, though.

I don't think

you're not like a chatty, chatty broad who's like, you're like, Jesus, fucking shut up.

You're not like that.

No.

I mean, obviously, because otherwise I probably, you know, I wouldn't have.

You'd murder me long ago.

No, I wouldn't be interested if you were like.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

You know, just fucking yapping all day.

I'd be like, Jesus Christ.

But you do like,

because you told a story.

Do you mind if I recap at the dinner table what you said to my stepsister?

No.

Where you were like, we were talking about how my stepdad.

My fat Indian stepdad had lupus.

We didn't know that.

And he would cough a lot.

Yeah.

He'd be like, woo-hoo, like that cough that I do is actually his cough.

Yeah.

And then my mother would get mad and go, Dean, please, and get really mad at him.

You're disgusting.

Stop this coughing.

And then

you would happen.

Tell the story.

I talked about how you get mad at a a productive cough.

I don't like when it's productive.

You don't like a cough.

Like, yeah.

And then you also don't like involuntary coughs.

Oh, that's the worst.

Like if someone's sick and coughing, you're like, knock it off.

It's like, I'm just, I'm sick.

Like, I'm not trying to cough.

My body's coughing.

And you're like, well, stop.

You can stop.

You told me that.

You're like, you can stop.

I'm like, I'm sick.

Like, I'm coughing.

You're like,

stop.

But it was too much.

There's, it was too much.

You could have controlled it.

But that's, see, that's a broad thing.

That, that's just like.

You could have controlled it.

No, that's just a woman thing where like, that's when I need a guy around to be like, are you hearing this fucking chick?

You know?

Like, seriously.

Women are stupid.

But then you, you still married me.

I know.

You like, admit it that you like that I'm a little inappropriate at times.

I like that you're a little inappropriate.

I don't think, I don't categorize that as inappropriate.

What is that?

That's just dumb.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Fuck it, stupid.

Yeah.

But you could control your cough.

Just to be fair, that was enough coffee.

There you go.

This is so good.

If you don't have a picture in your profile,

then don't embarrass me.

If you're black, don't

miss me.

If you're overweight or slightly overweight, don't embarrass me.

me.

If you have a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband, don't even bother making me.

If you have a kid or kids, even if they don't live with you,

don't even bother making me either.

Other than that,

don't bother the fucking stay.

Welcome to your mom's house house.

Well.

That's a good one.

What a winner.

Welcome to your mouth.

Wow.

Meow, meow, meow.

A lot of standards.

So many.

I like that when we have a guest here and they're going, what the fuck's up with this intro?

Was that Jessica Kerson?

A lot of people

said it lately.

Steph said it lately.

It's so long.

Oh, Steph Tola.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's 15 years.

No, it is.

It's so long.

And I'm so excited to talk about this.

Yep.

You gotta wait.

Yeah, it's 20 minutes.

Good.

Oh, man.

Wait, what does he even say?

Don't gather me.

He says, if you don't have a

profile picture, don't message me.

Don't make that me.

If you're black, don't message me.

Black.

That was his signature.

Wait, come on.

Let's put down his

profile of only right now.

So you have to have a if you you don't have a photo,

check.

If you're black, don't message me.

If you're overweight, and then he said, or even slightly overweight,

don't message me.

If you have a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband, don't message me.

Okay.

If you have a kid, even if the kid doesn't live with you,

don't message me.

Yeah, I mean...

You have a good memory for this.

It was very, very funny.

You have a really good memory.

Yeah.

If you don't have a picture in your profile, don't have a picture in your profile.

And don't even bother with me.

See, you don't even have to

make me

overweight or slightly overweight.

Don't even bother making me.

What about speech impediments?

You have a bad friend or a fiancé,

husband, don't even bother making me.

If you have a kid or kids, even if they don't live with you,

don't even bother making me either

other than that.

other than that, other than that, other than that, I would love to watch this guy shoot you down so hard.

Me?

Yeah, he'd be like, first of all, you're slightly overweight.

He'd be like, you have kids.

He sounds like Yoshi though.

This is Yoshi.

You're a white Yoshi.

Yeah.

You have kids.

You're slightly overweight.

I mean, to watch this guy shut people down would be my next favorite thing.

Yeah, bring him in.

We should do a dating show.

We should do like we did with Tony.

But just have all women who either have a kid.

But make them all hot.

He'd be like, nope.

Nope.

Not increasing.

So basically, the only person he could date is a non-black,

fit, young,

single, childless woman.

Yeah, he wants, well, he's basically saying, are you 21 and hot?

Message me.

Are you 21-year-old white hottie?

Oh, you know what?

Message me.

He's old.

But I will say, I saw this woman, we covered her on this show, where she she was like, Men are so slimy that you have to specify: are you currently married to a person right now?

Right now, right?

Are you separated?

How separated?

Does that just mean in your mind you're separated, or actually, are you like, because people will come up with apparently

reasons.

If you're black, don't mess in me, messing me, messing me.

If you're black, don't mess with me.

If you're born, don't bother missing me.

Meshing me.

Missing me.

Don't bother meshing me.

Don't bother.

Don't bother me.

I'm sure the black women don't even fucking want his ass out.

How about like some good

advice?

Because this guy needs it.

I think this guy needs advice.

Don't mess with me.

Next time you're out on a drive and you know an exit is coming up,

reach over.

I know it.

Rub up and down her leg.

Fucking pew.

Rotate around and just squeeze just a little bit.

Up and down.

Just kind of massage the area a little bit.

He is breathing.

Give her a little smile, maybe a little wink.

And as you're approaching that exit and she can see the sign.

I'm going to have a puke.

Just point at the sign and say,

you interested in pulling off?

Have a little adventure?

Have an

a little

adventure.

He's so winded from walking two steps and the rocks.

And yeah.

And yeah.

Pull over.

He gives all sexy time advice.

Oh, I know.

Have you had the other ones?

I've seen a bunch of his stuff.

It's always in my algo.

Yeah.

Puke.

Now, the very first thing most men go into

is they want to start jabbing.

They want to start jabbing.

Totally wrong.

Totally wrong.

You have a tool for that, and she'll ask you

when she wants it.

No, use your fingers the way they are able to be used.

I can't.

Stop breathing.

It's such an interesting lane for this guy to choose.

Like, his whole thing is love-making advice.

I hate you so much.

For men.

Okay, so this is not...

And I like that it's always in nature.

Like, he doesn't have a house.

He can, you know why?

Because his fucking wife is there.

Yeah, he's like, I'm doing my videos.

Out of the forest.

Where you're telling them how to touch me?

Then, please, make your videos outside.

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I think, okay, so there's a lane of this age of guy with blue eyes and they're usually bald, but they wear like hats and scarves and they lip sync poorly to romantic songs.

Oh, that's a big thing.

There's that.

The other one that is such the cringiest of all is the one who's like, Yeah,

he's the best.

He's like, Is that all right?

What's my favorite?

Is it okay?

If I look at you like this, and then they get shot, and they're like

all koi after it.

And you're like, okay, dude.

And it's a fucking 50-year-old guy.

I know.

So there's one guy on the gram who does those sexy

Sexy stare.

Yeah.

But then so then he makes this video.

He's like, guys,

women, stop DMing me.

I'm married.

Okay.

I make these videos for myself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm getting bombarded.

Yeah.

He got busted, apparently, probably, you know, some hoe in his DMs.

His wife was like, what is this?

What is this?

He's like, nothing.

I'm just doing my stare videos.

Doing my vids.

This is like this pig.

I'm sure he's married.

Some poor woman.

Next time you're on a date.

He's got a lisp, too.

Stare right in her eyes.

What would you do if I asked you

to go take your underwear off?

Oh, boy.

Hand them to me.

What would you say if I asked her if I go through underwear?

Look at that.

It feels like that's the face he makes when he asks.

He's like...

Will you take your underwear off?

Please?

Fucking dork.

I can't.

Oh, wow, they're pretty soiled.

Yeah, it's always guys that look like this that think they can.

Well, he's giving advice.

He's giving advice, and people are.

He's the,

what is he?

He's cowboy.

He's cowboy.

Oh, he's been married 25 years.

Yeah, right.

I knew it.

That's why he's never doing this shit in his own house.

How you can move.

His videos are about making a move.

Oh, okay.

And it's causing excitement in your life.

He is trying to be a relationship coach.

Okay.

That's pretty cool, horny cowboy.

No.

That's his name.

No, no, no, no.

that's just what we call him.

Yeah, he's totally so horned up.

He's very horned up.

Um, hold on.

Before I forget, speaking of horny, buy my lipsticks, you guys.

Oh, yeah.

ChristinaP.com.

Buy all four.

Buy the perfect four.

It'll make your lady horny when she puts them on.

Yeah.

These lipsticks make ladies so horny.

Next time you're out with your lady, why don't you just reach over and take her by the hand, put it between your legs

and say, Do you feel that?

See what she does.

I hate him.

You hate him?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like, nobody wants that.

Nobody needs.

And the guys that he's telling this shit to, they're not.

It's not good advice, guys.

Don't do this.

Don't do any of it.

No, I mean, look, if the lady likes you, she likes you, dude.

There's nothing you can do.

We're not, it's just, there's nothing you can change about yourself.

Either we're into it or we're not.

Right.

She's just not that into you.

She's not, she's not that into you.

Yeah.

Or she is.

Or she is, yeah.

Just like.

Do you want to have a little adventure on this next exit?

Stop.

There's one.

I'm going to throw up.

There's one where

there's one where he's like,

push her up against the wall gently and then stare into her eyes.

Yeah.

Hold the stare.

Yeah.

And then say, Do you want me to kiss you?

Just like something stupid and not like, oh, dude, stop.

This is more your speed, I think.

Prepare for my dawn session with me.

So, the prep for this session starts the night before because this man likes to be

on.

If you are new here, yes, we do this every single month.

LOL.

I wanted Jamaican food, so we got Jamaican food this time.

Of course, I have to try to eat it all.

If you know about Jamaican food, this was so much food, but I did my best and ate everything I could.

Next, I drink my ginger root tea before taking some probiotics, some digestive pills to keep everything moving.

The next morning, I wake up take a laxative and then I wait an hour before heading to the hotel once I'm at the hotel it's a real quick session about 20 minutes in and out I do my thing and

make a

bag

always a bag since y'all was saying that I was capping in the last video I decided to provide the receipts so there's the deposit the food receipt the food return and the remainder of the bag

yeah so cool easiest way to make money taking dumps so that's rad so easy and she's got the chair set up yeah and she puts down the the weekly pad

for your house training your your little pup she just takes a dump and this guy's like here's a thousand dollars or whatever

that's rad now if you could really get away with with shitting in a bag and leaving the bag there or or shitting and then bringing it to him like not having to do it in real time yeah would be preferable sure because for me it's the pressure of the performance anxiety Yeah.

He wants this now.

How do I know when the laxatives are going to kick out?

But man, it's so wild that that's somebody's favorite thing.

And then you found somebody that'll provide it.

That's so cool.

You know, that girl is like, yeah, I could shit for you.

I could shit on you.

And he's like, fantastic.

We eat a bunch of Jamaican food.

It's very specific.

Yeah.

Or maybe that's just what she wanted, but he was like, I want it spicy.

I want to see it sting.

She ate it.

That was a lot.

That was a gnarly dump she took.

For sure.

With a laxative, too.

Yeah.

Because it could have just been her normal movement.

Now it's going to be extra pushed out.

Extra spices.

Yeah.

I didn't think.

I would have gone.

Now, if he wanted spicy, I might go Korean.

I knew you would.

Yeah.

I knew you would.

Soon do it.

We got to get you this guy's info.

Cal B.

Yeah.

Some kimchi.

Kimchi is really what brings the brown down.

And lots of garlic there, too.

Garlic dumps and parts.

Is there a woman alive that wants this done done to her?

I wonder.

Somewhere.

Yeah.

But she's deeply, deeply troubled.

She's not, she's not like just functioning, going to a job.

Could you imagine if you showed up on her door stuff and you're like, I got it.

Yep.

When you do a sketch like that, if you do season two of bad thoughts, can I be the woman that you shit on?

Sure.

Yeah.

It's too much.

I always tell them we don't need props.

My wife wants the real thing.

Yeah.

I love the bad thoughts where you have diarrhea on your butt.

It's so funny.

Hell yeah.

It's so good.

I love taking diets.

I love that scene.

Oh, shit.

Here we go.

No.

Yeah, I got it.

Such a horny.

These are horny clips for you today.

Well, you don't like this guy?

Nope.

I think this is kind of your style.

Kind of looks like horny.

Oh, no.

This is gay.

This guy's gay.

I don't think so.

Gay.

Don't see it.

Not interested.

Guys, name's Peyton.

Still gay.

Still from Alabama.

Like 33 and a half.

Still have my land, still have my pond, still have my big daddy.

Still gay.

All to myself and nobody to share it with.

I need somebody to share it with.

Yeah, babe.

That's so interesting, though.

the um the southern gay that's very rare it's well it's not rare it don't exist here no i'm just saying that like to put that out there like you know you see a gay guy whatever you you know la new york it's just like oh just part of but you don't think like oh yeah alabama there's like alabama dudes like this guy i know and he's just like what's up it's lonely out here man he's putting it out there got a lot of shit to fucking cool shit here man

well he wants a country boy like him yeah he needs a good country boy who's gonna to ride, you know, go on the lake, fish, and butt fuck.

That's what he wants.

In Calvin Klein underwear.

Dude, he's an anomaly.

The problem is he's a diamond in the community.

Yeah,

I would think this guy has no problem finding a guy.

I know.

But maybe it's just

environmentally, right?

Like the neighborhood.

He's in the wrong part of the world.

But here's the thing.

He's like, I don't want to fucking leave it.

I love fishing.

I love that.

That's right.

So he wants that hot guy to come to him.

So you're basically, sir, you're going to have to get a lad from California or new york who's willing to

this is his version of waving a hanky he's like hello

anybody out there anybody out there y'all like to fish and shit get your dick sucked after you catch a big old fish hell yeah dude there's definitely guys for him yeah but they don't look like him where he's from i mean he's very put together yeah yeah that's tough he he's it's a tall order when he's looking for well i'm glad you know i think this is a smart this is like one of the great things of social media yeah this guy can put that out there.

I'm sure he's getting bombarded with messages at least.

Because of us now?

What part of Christianity?

Well, I'm saying even on his own, like, yeah, I don't know.

Let's see.

Let's help him out.

Check this out.

You've seen this?

That was cool.

What, Emmy?

You put that in there?

Enny, did you see the thing?

What the fuck was that?

They're both wearing the

Dallas fishing hat.

Oh, they are both for each other.

That might be

still gay.

Yeah.

Yep, he found his match.

He did.

Steel gay.

He's playing Minecraft in the background?

That's crazy.

You got to take a break from Minecraft.

Yeah.

This is why you don't play Minecraft.

It's gay.

What is he doing exactly?

What is he doing exactly?

What is he doing?

Push-ups.

But he's just laying there.

He's not like, what's he doing?

And even what's he doing?

I don't understand what he's actually doing.

Fucking playing Minecraft, bro.

There's.

There's someone back there.

Is there?

Yeah.

Oh, like, eating his ass out or something?

I can't tell if you don't see.

Like, are you just fucking...

What are you playing with me?

No.

Yes, there's someone back there.

What the fuck?

Well, because it's so fast and I can't really see it.

Yeah.

I can't see it.

Like, I don't see the other person.

oh yeah now i see it now i see it now i see it yep i see it still gay i see it okay you gotta play it a few more times i'm not sure yeah that was interesting i didn't i didn't see it i didn't see it and now i see it got it got it

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Hey, can I tell you I have a Paszitzki effect?

Yeah, please.

I finally figured out after being alive all this time that you don't have to sit in a wet bathing suit.

Like you can bring another bathing suit with you to the second one.

Pool or the beats.

Beats.

The beats.

The beats?

Yeah.

To the beach.

Where there's sands.

Sands.

And then you can change into that nice dry one.

Yeah.

I don't have to sit and be uncomfortable all day in the same weather.

You just got that?

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Hey, you know what you can do?

You can even bring underwear and a change of clothing with you to the beach or the pool.

A lot of people do that.

I just started to.

I just thought you had to suffer in your wet clothing all day.

Did you know you could do that any?

Oh, you don't swim.

Yeah.

See, I don't make that mistake.

You don't swim ever?

Like, not even in a pool?

Nah.

Like, if at a house party with the pool, you wouldn't get in a little bit.

I'll be in the house.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

Fine.

Yep.

Fine, dude.

If you're black, don't message me.

Ain't no one messaging you, nigga.

All blacks, whites, Puerto Ricans.

I don't think he's getting a lot.

Anyway, I have to say that I was laughing so hard at sinners when we brought that up.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Please do the soulful singing again, please.

See, you see why I'm tired of this shit?

Yeah.

It's because y'all niggas like it too much.

Yeah.

It's y'all niggas like it too much.

Fucking

cotton in the fields.

It's fucking ridiculous, bro.

Anyone who likes that movie is a fucking racist and they just might not know it.

They just might not know it.

That might be what's going on.

Now I have to watch it to test

it.

You should go see it.

And it's so annoying because you're going to think, like, Michael B.

Jordan, like, as soon as he pops on screen, you're like, damn, yo, he looked kind of dope, though.

Like, smoke and stack.

That was like a cool, yeah, cool character.

Yeah, that was a cool character.

I like how they fucking dressed and shit.

That was tight.

I'm like, yo, I might beat these niggas for Halloween.

And then the rest of the movie play, I'm like, well, there goes that.

I can't do that.

Can't do that.

Oh, God, I laughed so hard.

It's the worst movie I've seen.

Yes.

Days I've been laughing.

Unbelievable.

I really enjoyed it.

I didn't realize it was my deep, deep-rooted racism.

Well, well, well.

Yeah, real, well, well, well moment.

Like, yeah, these blacks are doing it like I like.

God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Totally.

They had the bitch

bring her big old titties out.

That was ridiculous.

Wait,

a black lady brought her titties out?

Big old titties, man.

Big titties.

Big old titties.

I'm going to tell you, the biggest titties I've ever seen.

These big, like, bus driver titties.

for sure black lady bus driver tits are the biggest

yeah bus driver plus for sure

is there a tab on pornhub for that

i don't think so there should be i mean i'm sure there's big black tits but i don't think this is we look if there's like black lady bus driver tits no it doesn't say it like that it's not gonna be no bus driver it's just gonna say big black tits yeah you know what i i talked about honestly there's probably something there's probably something some oh yeah porn's blocked here so Oh, use that VPN, Sucker.

Express VPN.

Well, well, well.

Those aren't the tits you're talking about.

Those are like normal tits.

Just do big black tits.

DDW tits.

Yeah.

Look at that shit, man.

Yeah, those tits are huge.

Crazy.

I thought she was a cool character.

I like that lady.

She was cool.

Yeah.

Little racist.

There you go.

I gotta look at.

Yeah.

Great, big, black tits right there.

Yeah.

Top right.

Holy shit.

There's some huge black tits here.

Bang.

Holy shit.

Bang.

Clock that shit.

Listen, I wish I could make fun of them, but my tots were just that big before I had them removed, man.

Wow, do you think that's good?

Yeah, you had some lunch lady tits.

I had some big black lady tits myself.

Yeah.

I wish I could cast stones, my friend.

Yeah.

I actually think you're really going to like this movie.

I really do.

You're going to like the way I look?

I think you're going to like the way you look.

I guarantee it.

Yeah.

I'm going to watch it.

do I have to go to a store well it's got like no you don't you know you can order it now yeah and it has like your favorite things vampires it has vampires it has white people subjugating black people to a horrible condition

one pierce one pierce so interview with the vampire the series on netflix i think

it's gotten less gay you remember i told you like yeah yeah like they put the homosexuality like front and center for that show and i was like all right i'm not enough i get it they're gay they're gay i thought about this though i thought about the vampire thing sure it's like but doesn't if dracula is gonna change a nigga into a vampire doesn't he gotta suck on the dude's neck yeah it's so so let me allow me to elaborate so it's always been homo erotic yes it was always homo erotic like the anne rice vampires were always you knew they were homosexuals however it didn't go into like detail and you didn't see them friends what the fuck is that that's the gayish that's what i'm talking about that's when he becomes a wumpier And watch this.

Watch this shit when they ascend into the air.

Oh, man.

The scene right after this, the

two gay guys with their butts showing in the air.

It's just so.

It wasn't like this in the books, you guys.

But so what you're saying, though, is that you always knew that this was the thing.

You just never saw it.

So this is kind of.

But you know what's interesting?

They play it down.

It's from the first movie.

They play it down generally.

So, like.

What is this from?

This is the AV.

The vampire.

Yeah.

Look who directed this.

Why you want him for your next movie?

No, it's just an interesting thing.

Gay guy.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, you seem to be really into this gay shoes.

Super gay.

So

I don't know who that guy is.

Wait, no, that's oh, he did the crying game.

Okay, this is my point.

A lot of times, when you find out who the director is, you can see

why

that was the director for the movie.

The creator of the show is Rowan Jones.

Okay.

Keyz.

I can't tell.

I don't know what he is.

On a Tuesday.

Hot outside.

Look, that being said, it's a great series.

The head vampires, the guy who plays Louis and Leste, they're gorgeous.

It's totally well done.

Okay.

It's great.

But I was a little too like, all right.

Is Roland

homosexual?

Come on.

Un homosexual.

I mean, it's usually how, like, it's pretty,

you know, this is how this works.

This is why.

It's true, because you see the world through your gay lens.

Yeah.

That could be his ex-wife before he.

You don't know.

We don't know.

I don't know, dude.

Could be.

Could be the EP on the show.

It could be.

Yeah, it could be.

I know.

My point was just that, like, you

a lot of times you find the person who's.

No, I know what the fuck it is.

What?

I know what it is.

What?

It's it's it's 2025.

We can't make anybody trans.

Yeah.

We can't make it too multicultural because we have like one black vampire, one French vampire.

So they added that gay stuff in to make it 2025.

Do you know what I mean?

When they shoehorn in the diversity and all this stuff?

Maybe.

That's what I'm thinking.

But what you're saying is that it's always been gay.

They just didn't show it before.

No, no, no.

Yes, but in the books, it was like insinuated, you knew, but you didn't know kind of thing.

They didn't French or anything.

They just like intimated that these two were lovers.

In love with one.

It was romanticized.

It wasn't like they

butt-pounded or French.

They never did in the bush.

Stroking his hog.

No, it wasn't like that.

You never did.

Blood in this thing, too.

Suck it.

Yeah, it wasn't like that.

Yeah.

Although, yeah, whatever.

Whatever.

I don't want to talk about it.

I'm sick of talking about this.

Okay.

I just remember, by the way, the most annoying part of Sinners, the dumbest scene ever was like everyone's favorite fucking moment, which is the music part.

You remember that shit, Tom?

Yeah.

Yeah.

When it went from like rap

or fucking whatever, blues to like rap to a DJ.

It was like,

what do niggas do?

Hmm, let's see.

African drums, let's throw that shit in there.

The fucking music didn't even, it didn't blend right.

The rhythm was off.

And then they threw like Asian niggas randomly at the end because there was like an Asian couple that walked by.

And they're like, what do Asians do?

Come on.

Oh, the gate shamaker.

Let's put that shit.

It was like full that fucking.

It was all just racist, bro.

The whole scene was just racist.

It didn't sound good.

Speaking of,

speaking of Asian ends, Jackie Chan was so good in Karate Kid.

And I can't stop thinking about what a fantastic movie star that guy is.

Yeah, he's fantastic.

You know, he's on par with like Tom Cruise in terms of being

an amazing movie star.

He made that film.

He stole the show.

He was great.

He is so good.

So talented.

Love Jackie Chan.

Have you seen Foreigner with him?

No.

Fire.

Real.

Fire.

It's new.

He's kind of older, and it's fire he's great foreigner

oh yeah is he fighting people and shit in this yeah

it's like born but like did you see the new the spin-off for wick did you see that one the ballerina thing what i have not has anyone seen that a spin-off yeah yeah this ballerina thing this is like in it's the wick world oh i like that yeah is it a slavic queen i have no idea dark slavic beauty you know i like that from the russians did you watch it oh it's anadarmas kios kios she's spanish

Spanish-Cuban girl.

He went your tribe.

Okay.

Did you watch it?

I have not seen it.

I have not seen it.

That's cool.

I'll try that.

I'll do that.

Yeah.

Very cool.

All right.

Let's take a quick break.

We'll be right back.

Taking a break.

Hope the master don't see me.

Jesus Christ.

And we are back and joining us one of our all-time favorite guests.

You can see him on tour by going to johnnypemberton.dog for tour dates.

It's Johnny Pemberton, everybody.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's so good to see you.

It's great to be here.

I haven't seen you in a while.

It's been a minute.

Yeah.

We saw you at South By.

We did, but that was so, that was like a kind of a whirlwind, I feel like.

You know what I mean?

It was so fast.

Yeah, it was.

That was such an amazing movie.

It's called Mermaid.

They debuted here at South by in Austin.

And then very recently, the news came that it was acquired, so it's going to be distributed next year.

I know.

Very exciting.

It's really cool.

I mean, we've known for a little while now, but

it's just so cool to actually have it be like official.

Yeah.

Because that means it's like it's real.

It's such a good movie.

It really is.

I love the movie.

No, I love the movie.

You're fantastic in it.

I love it a lot.

It's a fun movie.

It's super cool.

You know what's great about Mermaid, too, is that it's actually surprising.

It's original.

It's interesting.

It's a great story.

You haven't seen it before, and you do a great job in it.

That's what movies are supposed to be.

Yeah.

I mean, isn't that funny that we're talking about things like, that's what a movie for forever, that's what a movie was.

Exactly.

Now it's like, if you do anything slightly original, it's like, oh my God.

Yeah, people freak out.

And this is like not the movie.

that a studio wants to make.

You have to like really kick and scratch.

And, you know what I mean?

Like, maybe not.

Like, but I'm saying, like, that's what you would want from your big studios.

And they're like, we won't do that.

Yeah, they won't.

I mean, everything's in such flux right now.

Shout out to Tyler, Tyler Cornet.

Tyler Cornack, yeah.

He made it.

The director.

Promoted direct.

You guys are working together now, right?

Yeah, we're working on something together.

Yeah, very excited.

Yeah.

Good job.

Yeah.

I saw that movie.

I was like, hey, what's up?

Yeah, I predicted that.

Yeah.

You did?

I did.

I did.

Because I just, you know, you're savvy.

You see sensibilities that people like.

Yeah, I just feel like it's like, it makes sense, you know?

You would guys want to work together.

Yeah.

He's like he's just so talented, you know.

He's like so incredibly, what he does is just, I mean, yeah, I can't believe it.

Yeah, I thought so too.

It was like, as soon as I saw that, I was like, yeah, talk to this guy.

Yeah.

This is great.

Yeah.

And you got him on the payroll.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was great, man.

Rummy is amazing, and I'm excited for Fallout.

Yeah, season two is going to be cool.

It comes out, I think, in December.

They don't know what date exactly yet, but probably, it'll probably be like right before Christmas, you know, so everybody can like

con binge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fallout.

Anyway, so

aren't you also in the Smash Netflix hit Bad Thoughts?

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

You're so good in that.

I mean, it's such a great show, man.

It was a lot of fun.

I spaced out my watching of it, and I just, every, every episode I successively watched, I was like, oh, my fucking God.

Yeah.

I mean, God, the Stevens of Gaul one, man, it fucking kills me so much.

Like, I just was, I had to pause it.

You know what I mean?

Oh, really?

That's awesome, man.

Yeah, I was so thrilled you know it's very fun character people like

when this happened when you write for uh a movie or a show

when it comes to sometimes when you write you you write with someone in mind right right so i wrote this

this story in particular with you in mind to play this yeah that's why it was called johnny we switched the

yeah i think yeah i think i asked for that yeah you did you're like we changed the name and i was like yeah yeah yeah it's better always better to play a character than to be your name yes yeah i don't want to be me no i agree I totally agree.

And when you said that, I was like, oh, yeah, absolutely.

But we wrote it for you and mine.

And then you go,

then you get to the casting process.

And they're like, well, who do you want?

I'm like, well, I want Johnny.

And then you have to have your backups because they're like, what if this person doesn't?

And you're like, all right.

So you start making this list, but you're the bolded name at the top of the casting list.

So I was just so, so thankful that you did it, man.

Yeah, it was so much fun.

I mean, just that, just the haircut alone, I feel like, is something that's so, it's just so stupid.

Oh, yeah, so good.

It's that hair, man.

I just see the hair.

I'm like, this guy, I knew that, man.

Yeah.

It looks like somebody who just is flying coach and like has a bag that's taped together.

Yeah.

But he's like super.

I don't know.

I feel like I can spend weeks as that guy.

My favorite part, like there's a lot in this.

This particular story that I love, but my favorite thing in it that makes me laugh every time is something like you can't, you don't teach, like someone just does it or not is when the other guy played by chase um is giving the speech he's like he's right is you just going like

yeah like you do this like nod smile you're like that's it that's what that's what i was saying and it's so it's real it's subtle but you're like

it's like you're you're relieved and you're like that's it like you're basically saying that's it right yeah it's really great don't remember that but that's really funny yeah it's really funny yeah it's a great show it's funny yeah all this cool stuff Well, and of course, our household's favorite pickle and peanuts.

Right.

Still the biggest.

You got to bring it back.

Yeah, bigger.

You guys have a different opinion on what your best work is.

And it's definitely pickle and peanuts.

I think it's my best work.

I don't even think it's like, well, I mean, I don't think it's my best work so much as it is the best work that I happen to be in.

You know what I mean?

I used to get high and watch that show.

I would forget that I'm in it because I just had so much fun

watching it.

Yeah.

Because those guys who created that are just so,

oh, so ahead of their time.

You know, we still do in the house.

We just did a friendship tunnel.

Friendship really?

Friendship tunnel.

Yeah.

And they get, they go ahead and kind of weird.

It's kind of weird.

It's kind of like a thing where

Disney was like, hey, what?

We bought this?

But you know what's great, though, is that in a sea of bullshit, like in a sea of cocoa melons and Miss Rachel's and just these banal, boring cartoons, there's just a little pickle and peanut.

There's something weird out there for your kids.

You want them to grow up a little weird.

I think so.

We had the Muppet Muppet show, which was just Jim Henson getting high and creating puppets, and that was fucking amazing.

That was awesome.

The Great Space Coaster, like all these weird shows.

And I'm glad that that exists.

Yeah, I mean, it's definitely not for children, right?

Not for like babies.

I don't think it is.

Cocomelon's for babies, right?

That sucks.

Yeah, I think so.

It's also like, isn't it like I showed you guys pickle and peanut?

You do?

I would show my babies that.

Well, that's all.

That's more of a beautiful.

All right.

There's videos when your kid's real young where it's just like you have to sit there and watch the video and it's just a lady going, you're cutie pie.

All right.

It's just so basic.

And the kid's like,

and you're seeing.

And the kids drooling.

Yeah.

It is crazy to see how they lock in to sometimes it just

feels like, oh, this can't be that great.

No.

Because why they're just sort of.

Yeah.

Like they're jacked in.

But that's why it's good when it's creative and actually funny.

And you're like, okay, that's good comedy vibes going in your brain.

By the way, do you know that both of our boys are like they're like i don't like stuff that's for chicks i know i wonder why i think i was that way as a kid really yeah yeah like super you don't want to have anything to do with girls yeah you know being like oh dude pink absolutely not the best is never pink at dinner sometimes i go so do you have a girlfriend

and uh my older one will go no

A girlfriend?

I'm nine.

I'm like, okay.

And he just kind of gets over it.

And then I turn to the six year old.

old I go, do you have a girlfriend?

He goes, fuck you.

Oh, he's the one who's like really spicy, right?

Oh, yeah.

He's the one who says stuff out of nowhere.

Yeah.

So, like, it's so up.

I did it the other day to him again.

I go, Are you dating someone yet?

He goes, Stop fucking saying that shit.

What do you say to that, though, when he says that?

I go, hey, hey, hey, calm down.

Okay.

He goes, why would I have a girlfriend?

It's fucking ridiculous.

But like the cursing, do you just have to not acknowledge it?

It's listen.

But who did he get it from?

The problem is.

It's you, right?

Yeah.

I can't stop cursing.

You're a plain comic.

I know that.

I can't stop cursing.

And I mean, listen, they pick up stuff.

Yeah.

But we try to sensitize our children, right?

Like, don't call people names.

Interesting thing, though.

And they still come home with knowing stuff that we did not.

The older one doesn't.

curse even a fraction as much as the younger one.

The six-year-old's a cursing machine.

That's kind of cool.

That's like a Pete-to-Pete sort of thing.

It is.

It is kind of cool.

He'll be like, he's saying MF and all this stuff he's saying mf yeah he says that yeah

but they don't curse at school so i know that he knows the line he's not he's not at school being like motherfucker that's smart though yeah he knows he knows at home he's doing it to get a rise out of us at home to the talented you ignore a lot of it you have to ignore a lot of it's ignoring you or you laugh because this morning we were like good morning juju and he's like shut the fuck up i want to fucking sleep we were like do you laugh at this all yes i mean i would be laughing so much Yes, we laugh so much.

God, I want to step out.

Sometimes he gets mad.

He gets real work.

Yeah, if you laugh too hard, he gets worked out.

But he gets really.

Oh, he gets mad that you laugh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes.

Because he's serious.

Is this like an advanced being you have?

It's almost like you have like an old man.

He does this thing where he's like, he's like, he comes in.

He goes, hey, he goes, I'm sick of this fucking shit.

This fucking shit is making me fucking crazy.

And I start to laugh.

What's he talking about?

Like, a push-pop or something like that?

No, he goes, why are you fucking laughing, man?

And then I, and then his face is like this, and I start to laugh.

And then he'll kind of be like,

what?

And I go, why are you so fired up, man?

He goes, because my fucking brother is doing this shit and he's fucking with me.

Go fucking punish him.

Okay.

Okay.

Calm down.

Just calm down.

It's funny how that's probably funnier than any comedian.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's like,

well, sorry, go ahead.

Oh, I don't know.

My niece is that is super funny.

Like, she's only two years old, but she does stuff.

I'm like, this is like, she's literally doing a bit right now.

Yeah.

It's good.

It's a good one.

They learn bits.

Or they don't know.

Oh, no, no.

Ellis knows now what's funny to us.

And so he'll come in and he'll be like, we're at the dinner table.

I'll be like, why did you do that?

And he's like, what can I say except that I'm gay?

He likes that one.

That's a t-shirt.

What can I say except that I'm gay?

But we can change to, what can I say except your dad's gay?

They started that one.

You're gay.

Oh, cool.

Last night at dinner, it was dad's gay.

Just out of nowhere?

Just out of nowhere.

It's like, what can going to say dad's gay.

I'm like, okay.

Let's go.

But I like that these things sustain, even though we try to beat them out of it.

It's never going to happen.

When

they're like in their teens, it's going to be...

They're going to just destroy you.

I know.

They're going to come in there, like these high-five in and just be like berating you in ways that you didn't know existed.

Seem like a prison gang or something like that.

It is going to be like that.

But I also feel like that instinct inside

of us will be like that one day that I'll go back so hard on them as it as is like what's inside of me.

Yeah, like in all the years of doing it.

And then they're going to be like, hey, what the fuck, man?

I'll be like, well, don't fuck with me, dude.

I'll fucking rip you apart.

Yeah, you got to teach them how.

Well, you start laughing then, like that thing where it's like you see

if they're going to do it.

And then you start laughing and everyone's like,

oh, shit.

Okay.

I just get it.

I just fucking with you guys.

And they're like, that was really harsh, man.

Like us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

taught them how to do your mother, too.

What do you mean?

I mean, if some kid insults them at school, like, oh, your mother's stupid.

I'm like, well, your mother's hair is stupid.

What do you think of that?

Yeah.

They're like, I'll get in trouble from that.

I'm like, not really.

It's not dirty.

You know, it's not your mother's pussy or something.

Right.

You really want to get.

But if some kid fucks with your kid, you want to teach them how to fight back, you know, verbally at least, not physically.

I think my aunt taught me something like that years ago.

She told me to say, to call someone ugly or something like that.

It's like, at least I'm not ugly.

I mean, you you say it to someone's face.

And they're like, that's really fucking mean.

Yeah.

Call someone ugly.

Especially like little kids.

That breaks them down.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I'll tell you my kids that.

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah, at least I'm not ugly.

Because I was, my argument to her was, I should say, oh, at least I'm not ugly like you.

And she's like, no, they'll know.

They'll know.

Well, she taught them to bark at cyclists.

Yeah, they bark at people on the bike.

But

that's your joke, right?

Isn't it?

No, no, no.

Oh, I thought it was like one of your jokes or something.

No, just to bark like a dog.

dog.

Yeah, yeah.

So they roll down the window, and there's like, there's someone on a bike, and then they go,

and they bite, bark.

And then if someone's standing on the corner smoking, they go, look at this fucking moron.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, I want to train them that riding your bikes in the street is stupid and smoking is bad.

And that's how you do it.

You go, this guy's an idiot.

This guy's a dummy.

What if you see a guy who's smoking on a bike?

Well, then that's a double whammy.

Yeah.

You fucking idiot.

That is pretty good.

You never see that anymore.

Apparently, there's a couple, not even a pair.

It really is.

There's a couple ultra-marathoners right now that openly smoke.

Really?

Yes.

Guys that do hundreds of money.

That actually makes me feel good because I will have a cigarette once in a while,

maybe once a week or sometimes less or more.

Even if I'm golfing, I'll have a cigarette, right?

Yeah.

Because my friend who I golf with, he smokes a lot.

But it's like, I don't feel like it's hurting me.

No.

No, once.

Every once in a while.

I don't know, you know?

But to hear that, though, that's like inspiring.

Why do you do just one?

Because I had to quit all of it when I was 30.

I just have a thing.

I i can't get addicted i just can't you're lucky look at the psycho nice but that's different chain smoking oh he's trying smoking but there's a there's a

i'm telling you there's a guy who's a photographer he's a photographer and ultra runner and he smokes smokes like he's a smoker he's a smoker that's awesome see that to me doesn't make any sense that's crazy that seems like

waiting to you're trying to say how can i die yeah you know there's some guy who was like an adventuring dude who I don't know, one of those mega guys who breaks records and stuff.

He was snowshoeing across Antarctica.

And he kept trying to do, he kept upping the level he would do, like how much he'd be by himself.

All this, just the metrics kept increasing.

And eventually one day, he did, he died.

And I feel like the whole thing was, he was just seeing.

how what it would take to kill them.

To kill him, yeah.

Because at one point, I think he ate, he's eating these

like protein bars, right?

But they were frozen.

And he chipped a tooth while eating it.

And somehow it perforated his bowel.

He had to get flown to Chile for some, you know, because from a bowel perforation, from being malnourished, all this stuff.

He's in the hospital, but he's like super happy because he found a limit.

He found the limit, but also then he did die.

Okay.

Cool.

But it's definitely, it was definitely a case where the guy was like, he's trying to see how I, what will it take to kill me?

Yeah.

Well, it's just like.

That's a certain segment of the population, though.

Yeah.

There's a segment that wants to know how far they can push.

Like those cave divers that you you hate.

Oh my God.

Those guys are fucking insane.

They hate themselves.

Them and the

what's it called?

The parkour people.

Oh, fuck.

But the ones that do it on high rises.

They'll do a flip on a high rise.

They're just waiting to die.

Or the wingsuit guys.

Yeah.

But those wingsuit guys, they'll know.

They're like, yes, I will die doing this.

Fuck yeah.

Like, I can't wait to die doing this.

It's so fun.

They kind of got a point.

Yeah.

Like, if I could go.

200 miles an hour.

Yeah.

God, I would be like, yeah, this would be a great way to go yeah like what a great way you won't just coast down and land gently well they do for a while and if you make a mistake or some sort of weird air pattern hits you here's the thing some of them they get they get tired of like the or bored by

open this is open terrain so then they start going i'm gonna fly between buildings yeah whereas the guy that did it like between the the like the pillars on a bridge he was going like 200 like he went like right through the on one of those wingsuits Splat, he no, he made it.

Oh, he did.

Okay, but I'm saying that's how you die, right?

If he miscalculated that, it's immediate death.

There's a lot of opportunities to die.

There's a lot of ways to do free climbing, like those idiots.

The free climbing thing, man.

That's just insane.

I gotta show you because you missed our first one today.

I gotta show it to you.

If you don't have a picture in your profile,

then don't embarrass me in me.

If you're black, don't miss me.

If you're overweight or slightly overweight, don't even bother making me.

If you have a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband, don't even bother making me.

If you have a kid or kids, even if they don't live with you, don't even bother making me either.

Other than that.

Other than that, we're good.

Other than that,

if you want to come in my house and have a sandwich with what I have to give you, you better not have big shoes because I don't want to have a girl with little feet that you come in here.

If you want it, if you, but you better not have glasses, you have a problem with your hearing.

You can't recover this right now.

If you want to, I want to make you dinner, but if you want to be fatty, you can't recover dinner.

The standards that he has are just unbelievable, right?

Yeah.

You got to be

can't be black.

Thin.

Yeah, I love that he's just like, right away, no blacks.

No, just racist out of the gate.

Out of the gate.

It was after profile photo, so it settles you in.

You're like, oh, no photo.

I get it.

And he's like, black, problem.

Just immediately

overweight or slightly overweight.

You can't be both.

You can have one thing, but you can't have it all.

You can't have it all.

Well, he could be.

Well, look at him.

He has it all.

Does this guy have more stuff?

I don't know.

You're black.

Don't.

You can't even speak.

His name is Kevin Curtis White.

Do you think he has maybe like

maybe he's copying someone?

I feel like he's not.

It's so interesting.

It seems like maybe it's not his.

I didn't originate the play.

This is a really interesting.

I didn't see this.

Oh.

Okay.

Tester.

Tester Meshter.

What's going on in that second video?

That one.

Hello.

What are you here looking for?

What are you looking for on here?

Okay.

All right.

There's a possibility this isn't real, right?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Here's the description I got that the.

Any single female fashion, Morris County area.

Yeah, read it as him, would you?

Any single female in the Morris County, New Jersey area want to hang out, be strive, miss me,

must live in New Jersey with 18 years older, disabilities, or disabled.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh,

hold on.

Maybe he's.

Wow, I was just thrown off by that.

Straight, no case, you're bisexual.

Never been wearing no case, no black, no black.

Still no black.

He threw black in there again.

But not just the way he says it.

No black.

No black.

Yeah.

No overweight.

No black.

Or slightly overweight.

No black.

No black.

Yeah.

No black, right?

He says like an Indian guy.

He likes to go to the movies.

He works at ShopRite, which is a supermarket chain in New Jersey.

He actually posts his phone number.

Well, someone's got to call.

Are we calling?

I want to just say hi.

He has deleted the comments.

He really does not like black women, but disabled is fine.

So yeah, that is.

You can be severely disabled, just not black.

I feel like this is a guy who works with a guy who's slightly more...

Yeah.

This guy's 80s.

He works with a guy who's like 90s in IQ.

Yeah.

And that guy is like, oh, hey, oh, yeah, he's all like this.

I tell you what, I don't like.

I don't like this.

I don't like that.

If you want to date me, you cannot be one of these things.

And he's like,

I want to be like Jim.

I want to be like Jim.

I want to do that.

Like, Jim.

Yeah, Jim's got it together in him.

Yeah.

I mean, even though, you know, Jim is like, you can do magic tricks on Jim.

Yeah, you can test.

Like, do finger tricks.

He's like, oh, what the hell?

Jim just doesn't have a speech impediment.

He's definitely like, he's like, fucking Black Broads, no thanks.

And he's like, got it.

No black.

No black.

Yeah, it's definitely the copying thing.

Yeah.

I want to be cool.

Like, Jim Jason.

Oof.

Can we call him?

I don't know.

I don't think it would go well.

I just saw your ad.

Yeah, but if you're like, I'm black.

If you call him and say, just be real sweet, you know, hi, I want to meet you.

Hi.

Hi, is this

Kevin?

Hi, is this Kevin?

Oh my god, I saw your ad.

Can you call him real quick?

Here we go.

Let's see.

I'm so scared.

The wireless customer you are calling is not available.

Please try again later.

Of course, of course.

No voicemail.

Master.

Mas tarde.

Bummer, man.

Such a bummer.

Mas tarde.

Mas tarde.

It's like fishing.

You just got to keep going.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well.

I got some stuff to show you.

Yeah.

Oh, for me?

Yeah.

For everybody.

Here we go.

Oh.

There's people up there.

This was the.

Is this New York City?

This is in Brooklyn, I think.

Yeah.

Oh, my fucking God.

Mistakes, mistakes.

What just happened?

There's people up there.

It is crashing.

Yeah, I know I know when people state the obvious holy shit

That was like a month ago.

Yeah, I remember this happened was it a boat from Mexico?

Is that what it was?

What's that flag?

Yeah, Mexican Navy training.

Yeah, whoa Mexican Navy training

Yeah,

what kind of what kind of training is that training due to do a reenactment or something collided with the Brooklyn Bridge result two deaths injuries at at least 19 others.

The ship, which had been open to the public for four days, was in the process of leaving its pier when the incident occurred.

Hit more,

show more.

Damn.

Oh, no.

Collided with a...

How do you say that?

No, wait.

Cuate mock.

Yeah.

I have to pee so hard.

I'm so sorry.

Pardon me.

I'll be right up.

No problem.

Don't say anything, okay?

Okay.

Okay, just sit here quietly.

Sit here quietly.

Go to the contributing factors.

I think it was the bridge, it was the main factor.

I think that was the contributing factor.

That was.

The ship was backing out of its pier with the help of a tugboat when it began to accelerate and drift north, possibly due to the combination of wind and current.

Okay.

And the bridge.

Yeah.

That was the other huge.

I think the bridge being lower than the height of the mouse was probably the main thing.

Yep.

That'd be great if

the report comes out.

turns out

the bridge is uh too low for this boat and that's what the problem was also i bet it's a thing where like uh

they don't know how to sail those because it's such an old boat you know i mean like they for they don't people don't know how to sail do you know how to sail uh i don't even know how to sail i have sailed yeah but i don't feel like i couldn't like sail a boat though no i couldn't either i've been on a few

and i feel like every time the people who know what they're doing start doing it i go yeah i'll just sit over here yeah you get it's so cool though it's cool it is cool i mean that's the the best thing there is sailing yeah if i could that's what i would do i would just disappear how long you think it would take to actually learn how to do it well oh i think years really especially to have like the knowledge you don't you know you don't die don't die you can deal with you can deal with like situations that are there's that guy i was following him for a while i just kind of forgot about him that i think he started it on tick tock where he he was sailing solo sail it was it solo sale i saw that guy yeah he was going first to hawaii maybe or i don't know if it was like around the corner there's a couple guys.

There's a guy I talked to years ago named Sam, and he's a sailor.

He's a lot of these guys who do solo sailing.

But this guy...

This one, this guy with the TikTok was like, I think it was like his first time, right?

Oh, yeah, he just learned to.

He just was like, yeah.

Which seems insane to me.

2,400-mile sailing voyage from Oregon to Hawaii.

Yeah, with his cat.

He quit his job, used his retirement savings to fund the trip, documenting it on social media.

Lasted 25.

It was his first time sailing outside of a river.

Is he dead?

No, I don't think so.

Because I follow him on the talk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he probably made a bunch of money from this, I bet.

You think so?

Yeah, you know, but it got like a bottle of because he's filming so much of it.

He's probably got some endorsements or something like that.

I mean,

or maybe he has a Patreon or something like that.

Yeah.

Donating to his cause.

That's very cool, though.

I hope so.

You think the cat likes being on a tiny boat?

I think cats do like boats.

They love water.

Cats love to swim.

Cats do?

Yeah, you didn't know that?

No.

Duh.

Cats are always sweaty.

I heard they'd hate water.

No.

Though they're sea cats.

Oh, sea cats.

Yeah, they love it out there.

Sea cats.

It's like a sea dew.

Exactly.

And you can ride them the same way.

That's really a giant sea cat.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

Learn something every day.

There you go.

Damn.

Yo.

Hey, what's up?

She's going to come back in the groove.

This is terrible.

Did she just walk away?

Yeah, that's so nuts.

And then this person just got so lucky that they were up enough high on the hood.

Yeah.

Because if they had been lower down, they would have just felt the impact.

That is terrible.

So

that's crazy.

Yeah, they're like...

See?

Oh, yeah, she's very lucky.

Yeah.

Damn.

Wow.

Hey, what's up?

She don't come back in this bridge.

Okay.

This is a Honda commercial.

Damn.

Yeah, you're definitely going to be.

It's a Dollar Tree.

they ran into a dollar tree.

Yeah, you're going to jail for sure.

I mean,

maybe.

Maybe, yeah.

It might get away.

Could.

Yeah, that car is fine.

Yeah.

I mean, not fine, but working.

It's running still.

Jesus.

Can't bust it.

There's Tanner.

Oh.

Shit.

Oh, no.

No.

Fuck off.

Why are you showing this?

Is that you, Tanner?

I thought that was me for a second.

Just like him.

I didn't know that was there.

Ah, this is terrible.

This is like that's your that's like fucking

Budapest got talent.

Yeah, that's Eastern Europe.

What's that, Miami quarterback?

This is like Tua with the helmet off, you know what I mean?

Fuck

Tua, the

Dolphins quarterback.

How did he land it on his face or something?

Oh, yitsnick is Niznik.

Yeah, this is literally hunting.

It's hot.

It doesn't matter.

No, replic.

No problem.

He is fine.

That sucks.

Yeah.

All right, that was great.

Thanks for sharing.

That was great.

All right, Harley.

This will get you feel better.

Today was such a confidence boost for me.

I was so nervous to wear my pouch leggings outside of the house.

And today I wore them on Camelback Mountain hiking, okay?

And I passed two groups of people, and they actually complimented me.

So pouch leggings for the win.

Nice.

Is there a

link in the bottom?

Can we get these pouch leggings?

I wouldn't mind some of those.

I was going to say, this feels like something I could see see you doing.

Yeah, if they make this, they make a no-bull version.

No bull.

No bull.

Oh, wow.

No bull, dude.

No bull.

No bull.

Uh-uh.

God.

Dude, take it out on a hike?

That'd be great.

Yeah.

I mean, it kind of would be fun if you,

I don't know.

He met two groups of people that complimented him.

I mean, were they

gay?

Gay guy groups?

Because women are not going to...

Say, hey, nice pouch.

No woman.

They're not?

Why not?

Don't women like penises?

They love penises?

last I heard women like penises.

Yeah, why wouldn't women tell them?

Great job.

Why wouldn't they say that?

That's true.

There's certain types maybe some gals would like.

So you tell me that's not sort of sexy?

That's sort of weird and kind of like what's going on here.

I'm scared of this guy because he's basically naked, but he's the worst part of naked with the

like.

Somehow you combine the worst part of naked with the worst part of clothing.

Yeah.

Right?

That's so true.

There's nothing worse than a legging, especially on a man.

And then a penis pouch.

A penis pouch.

Please buy this and wear this on like Runyon Canyon and make a video of you terrifying girls.

Terrifying 20-year-old girls.

Hi, ladies.

Oh, God.

I have to go to the trouble at the tip of the cap.

Oh, you have to

have a fedora on, too.

And stop and go,

my ladies, please pass by.

I don't know if you noticed my pouch leggings.

Please don't notice.

I'm at three-quarters masks right now.

Please don't mind me.

You're making

me come back at three quarters.

There you go.

Orukio.

Men's thermal underwear pants, thermal bottoms, long john bottoms with separate pouches.

Now, let me ask you guys, honestly,

do you wish you could separate out your junk from the rest of you?

Because it does get sweaty and sticky.

Would this not help that problem?

You mean like separate it, like, have like detach it?

No, like a pouch, like this.

Like I'm saying, like,

all pants have pouches.

Would that be a nice thing?

Right.

Yeah.

I bet this is more uncomfortable to separate your stuff, but it feels really weird.

Unless you like it.

I don't think it's...

I bet it feels so weird that you would be like constantly...

Every step.

You know, if you have shoes that are too tight, every step is like, ah.

Yeah, yeah.

You're thinking about it.

I'll be thinking about it.

Other images, because look how there poses.

So they have other colors.

Oh!

Yeah.

Wow.

A lot of room for activities.

No rolling down.

So many activities.

To the right.

Special crotch design.

What?

If they're different colors, colors, at least.

Because the black is like, you know, it's so, you can't see the.

I'm going to get a pair.

I'm getting a pair.

Yeah.

Pouchwear.

Pouchwear.

Maybe I'll start a pouchwear line.

That's a great idea.

Chest pouch stuff.

Yeah.

What if it also has a pouch in the back so you can shit in them?

And it just you can shit in the pouch and it fills it so it separates the shit from the rest of the thing.

So you don't have to take your pants off.

You just keep walking.

Keep walking, yeah.

And then does the pouch open so you can leave it um it has option yeah you can if you want if you want to evacuate and go you can or you can you can vac and stack vac and stack yeah vac and stack the stack and stash yeah the stash that's that's a great idea that is really good i have always wanted that or you could contain it in a bag like the diaper genie like you shit into the bag and you just kind of

Keep it there for later.

I don't know until you're ready to dump the bag.

I used to think that was for real when I was a kid.

Like that's how astronauts did it.

So, I was like, if you're in a spacesuit, you must, what if you have to go to the bathroom?

I was like, oh, there's probably like a special thing that

takes your shit.

Yeah, well, isn't there?

How do they dump out there?

They just don't shit.

What?

No.

If you're in a spacesuit?

Oh, oh, well, you have it on.

But I'm saying when you're on the space station, they have to have like.

They have a special bathroom, but it's not like that special.

You know what I mean?

It's kind of like

you're not like shitting into like a special machine.

It's just like a

honestly, you know what?

I don't know.

Is it like a funnel?

I think it's funny.

Let's do toilets on the screen.

I thought I knew, but I realized, like, wait, it's been so long since I've seen it.

I don't remember.

Is it like when you go to the dentist and you spit into that.

See, I don't think it is that.

That funnel?

That's what would be...

See, that's not that special.

Right, but what does it say?

You can scroll up.

It does look like a turlet, but like...

It says,

is equipped with specially designed toilets to accommodate the unique conditions of space.

These toilets use a vacuum system to collect waste, preventing it from floating around.

The system uses a fan-driven suction to pull urine and feces away from the body into the collection containers.

But it's got to be just right.

And then do you get to shoot it out into space?

Oh, I hope so.

Because that would suck to bring it back.

I bet they bring it back.

Oh, it is

burned up in Earth's.

Oh, wait.

It's collected in bags and eventually burned up in Earth's atmosphere when the cargo ship returns to Earth.

Sure.

Yeah, I bet it does.

And I bet you got to have a turret on deck when you sit down.

Like, there's no leisure.

What if you don't have a turd?

What if you don't have...

What if you're listening?

Like, get your magazines.

Yeah.

Start reading.

Like, those people that were just trapped in space for months and months and months.

Yeah.

Like, maybe they could take leisurely dumps because they weren't working.

Prepare for my Dom session with me.

So the prep for this session starts the night before because this man likes to be on.

If you are new here, yes, we do this every single month.

We lol.

I wanted Jamaican food so we got Jamaican food this time of course I have to try to eat it all if you know about Jamaican food this was so much food but I did my best and ate everything I could next I drink my ginger root tea before taking some probiotics some digestive pills to keep everything moving Next morning, I wake up, take a laxative, and then I wait an hour before heading to the hotel.

Once I'm at the hotel, it's a real quick session, about 20 minutes in and out.

I do my thing, and then I make a f ⁇ ing bag.

Always a bag.

Since y'all were saying that I was capping in the last video, I decided to provide the receipts.

So there's the deposit, the food receipt, the food return, and the remainder of the bag.

Yeah, obviously she can't have possibly falsified this.

Those are all, that's all proof.

That's all proof that that happened.

100%.

I want to make a video that says like, all right, it's

time again.

It's time when I go and shit on this guy for 500 bucks.

Do that video i'm gonna make it i'm gonna make one yeah it's like you guys didn't believe me you thought i was capping but here we go here we go look this is money yep how could i have got this money other than shitting on a man here's receipts

uh receipts also when you pay somebody it's all in like 2020 2020 and then i don't know i don't pay there's literally no i mean it's like oh but but also too as somebody that's taking laxatives for like colonoscopy or whatever oh you you've got i just got one last week oh but it takes more than an hour.

Like, she drank that laxative.

She's like, and then an hour later, I shit.

I'm like, not really, unless you're taking like the high-powered colonoscopy.

She's a professional.

You know what this lady needs to hear?

She needs to hear from this fucking guy.

Stop being afraid to tell a bitch no.

No.

Fuck no.

I ain't having it.

Jesus Christ.

Is this the marathon runner who smokes?

He had some intense shades on, yeah.

Yeah, he always got pretty cool shades on.

Shades.

He just exposing all these down lows.

That's all the fuck he did.

He's just showing his tense.

Is she doing that on purpose?

Yes.

What's really going on?

Of course he's talking about.

Do you do that when you talk?

I don't know.

That shade line.

That shade line is very

clear, right?

getting exposed.

No, you don't flex that much when you talk about it.

All the fucking fetishes they got and shit.

DLs and downloads.

DLs.

Y'all need to let that man go.

Let that man go.

Go home to his fucking family.

PG.

Get back to Pocket doing his thing.

Nobody give a party like fucking Diddy.

Stop playing with me.

There you go.

Yeah, he was at the parties.

Yeah.

He knows about those parties.

Yeah.

It's one of the few people who's out there being like, come on, man.

Let him go.

Let Diddy go.

Diddy did it.

Oh, is this the guy I was looking for?

I think so.

Yeah.

Is this guy South African?

I just feel like he's South African.

He's got to be.

I know.

Oh, he's from Colorado.

He's from

Colorado.

He's a smoker?

He's a smoker and a photographer.

See, look at that chest, though.

He's got that ultra-marathon runner chest.

Super wide.

Like, he's like, that's like a future human.

Like a Martian.

Incredible, man.

No, it's just genetics.

Tid images.

Oh, it's definitely that.

My oncologist was telling me, like, there are people who have lung cancer who didn't smoke a day in their lives, and then people like that smoke forever.

Fine.

Fine.

Running ultra marathons.

Yeah, it's incredible.

Yeah.

Here's some of your faves for Johnny right here.

This is my Uncle Steve with his pet.

That's a cougar, right?

Yeah.

Listen to that thing.

Jesus, cougar.

Maybe Portuguese?

Blat.

No.

Wow.

No, that's fucking insane.

I mean, he had to have raised that from a

tiny thing.

Maybe it's sedated.

No.

It's on drugs.

I think it just knows him.

Yeah.

He's super comfortable with it.

No, thanks.

Those things are cool, though.

They are beautiful.

I do want to die by a puma at some point.

That's a way.

I'd rather do that than extreme sporting of any kind.

Yeah.

Like petting a puma.

Sleeping with one, and then you wake up, or it wakes up in the the middle of the night forgetting where it is, and then it sees you and kills you.

Yeah, it'd be a fun way to go.

It'd be fast,

because they go right through the throat.

Oh, yeah, those things are killing.

It's in your sleep, you're like, great.

So I want to die in my sleep.

It's an awesome dream to go out on.

But real talk, if I get like so sick again, and this time it's like stage four cancer, like just get me a pet puma.

Done.

Clip this

pet puma, please.

Just let it run through the house and be like, today can be today.

What a semi-dried tomato is they've been concentrated enough that they are bitter and sweet at the same time they have big flavor and easy chew and you don't have to do anything to them nothing you don't have to do anything to them you don't have to reconstitute them worry about their salt content or anything like that okay this is rachel ray right yeah yeah so rachel ray i mean it's all over the talk it's just something's going on here and this is an she looks better.

Like, she actually has makeup on and she looks cool.

But something's going on.

And I wait.

I like, what is it?

What do you think is happening here?

Because there's not the same person that's what's going on right now.

Easy chew.

What an easy chew.

Like, what is what?

Is this true?

I think so.

She's definitely got something in her mouth.

Yeah.

Chewing on a little fen.

A little Fen puck.

Oh, there's more of her.

I lived in New York as a very young woman.

I was very, very poor, and I didn't want to bother my mother.

I didn't want her to feel scared for me.

So I would never ask for money and I didn't have any.

Eventually, I did a show called $40 a day,

and that was my budget for a whole week.

I would buy a week's food, and I only had $40.

I always felt so grateful that I came from people.

This makes me uncomfortable.

Can I go to the next one?

Yeah.

Is it sickness?

Hi, babies.

This is Julie.

Follow me.

Oh, this is her.

Oh,

she's got her die-dye on.

This is

a long chair.

Live alone.

Is this her, or is this she's like servicing the people who want this?

I don't know.

She's got her die-dye on, though.

How do you feel about adult diaper play

i mean i don't like it yeah i don't want to do it but uh i mean i don't know it's probably better than um buying a gun

it's true yeah better than buying like a gun and using it yeah yeah if you're like in public if those are your two options

it seems like that might be the two options yes you have to either like uh

It'd be fun if at the end of this video, she's like, and I chose this over a gun.

Over

shooting up a place that people I don't know are at.

So now I wear my die-dye to the movies.

I did not

dig up my mother and kill her again.

Now I do diaper.

Instead of killing my father's remaining friends, I am doing diaper.

I make a poo-poo, my die-dye.

I make a poo-poo.

It feels good.

Oh my god, why are you wearing a mask in 2025?

Oh boy, we're we're in a we're in a pandemic.

Oh,

we are not in a pandemic.

What is that?

Are you laughing at me?

No, I'm coughing.

Sorry.

I'm sick.

Well,

hard, hard life.

What are you thinking?

I always think that those people are just, it's, you know, it's like you found something, found something to be about, and it's got to be hard to be that person.

And you you need to be able to get

something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah.

Either you're an obese Disney adult trying to fit into rides or you're like the masked person that's like, COVID's not over.

Identity.

Get into Legos.

Oh, yeah.

Legos are bad.

They're awesome.

They're expensive.

They are awesome.

And you can build massively impressive things even as an adult.

You can make your own.

You can chart your own course.

Yeah.

Do you remember that on the menu of

Fred Lobster?

What?

Oh, chart your own course?

I I remember the hardest I ever laughed in my entire life.

This is like forever ago with my family.

My parents did not want to go to Red Lobster.

My dad does not like shit like that at all.

And we were like, we saw the commercials.

Can we please go to Red Lobster?

And my dad and my mom took us to Red Lobster.

My dad's like fucking hating it, right?

Just hating it.

We're in Red Lobster.

My brother gets the menu.

He's probably like 12 years old.

And he's looking at this section.

He goes, Excuse me, I like this order from the section of chart your own course.

Like, that's the subheading is chart your own course?

It's like,

oh my God, just that, like, that, like, write, that style of writing, you know, like the subheader, like,

uh, big-time shareables or

hand-grabbables, all that shit.

You're just like, ah, just

fucking kill me.

Sure, you're surrounded by grease.

Everything is so covered in butter.

Like, you can't even walk because the tiles are slick with butter.

Butter, it's true.

And you're underground, like in some like Minnesota, like under subway.

It's like an underground.

And your dad's just like, let's get the fuck out of here.

I'd like to chart my own course.

So funny.

What was their

cheesy bread?

Oh, Cheddar Bay biscuits?

Cheddar biscuits.

So good.

Yeah.

Those are famous.

Sorry, Cheddar Bay biscuits.

Cheddar Bay biscuits.

Yeah.

The bread from the best.

It's a classic.

Oh, it's that cheddar from Boston.

That back home cheddar.

Do they still have a red lobster?

That shit was good.

I think that red lobster got tanked by private equity.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I think there's a few around, right?

There's a few.

All those 90s restaurants really were great.

Claim jumper.

You got your Sizzler, your chilies, your Applebee's, your...

Well, yeah, steak and all-you-can-eat shrimp.

It says.

Oh, my God.

My dad, what did he love?

Fridays.

Fridays.

QJ Fridays.

Fridays is good.

They got the steak and shrimp.

Jack Daniels steak and shrimp.

I remember liking the Jack Daniels.

It was like a great deal.

$27.

Oh, my God.

It's so funny.

But that was so good.

Yeah, it was reasonably priced, and it was a big night out.

Where do you want to go, buddy?

Fridays?

Chilies?

Fridays?

Yeah.

Chilies.

We would never get to go to the Applebee's.

Applebee's was the big one where I grew up.

Yeah, Applebee's.

Applebee's was new.

It was in its own building on the side of the mall.

It was always packed.

It was packed like, you'd be lucky to get to Applebee's.

You'd be lucky.

You have to know somebody.

I got to connect at Applebee.

You have to fucking know somebody to get into Applebee's.

Yeah, you dialed in at Applebee's.

I know a guy.

I work with him at the club.

Yeah.

At the club.

Hey, I know this guy.

Yeah.

I'm not on a Saturday.

Get the fuck out of here.

I get you in on a Tuesday.

Remember Black Angus or Outback Steakhouse?

Outback Outhouse.

When you would go to do the Brea Improv from LA all the way to Brea on the 60 East, there was a Black Angus, and for years the G was unlit.

So every time.

Black Angus?

No, G.

Yeah, the G was gone.

Black.

No way.

Yeah, it was awesome.

Always.

Always.

From the highway, you would see Black Anus.

Yeah.

That's what you saw.

For years.

First time I saw it, I was like, oh, yeah, it'll be black anus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're going to fix it.

Nope.

Black anus.

No blacks, though.

There's probably someone who works there.

No blacks.

No, don't bind message me.

don't uh if you're slightly overweight if you have a boy if you have a husband or boyfriend

you're enunciating way too much if you have kids even if they don't live with you don't mail me

Oh, it says overweight people publicly weighed and ordered to slim down in Turkey, which I think is wonderful.

Yeah, that sounds like a really cool government.

I love it.

Shout out to Turk, the Turks.

This is what we need to be doing in America.

There you go, man.

There's a lot of things we got to be doing.

That's one of them.

Definitely.

That'll be fun to watch that pan out.

Yeah, that'll pan out

real well in the U.S.

of A.

The entire state of Mississippi.

It's like, well, you guys are just all under house arrest

for years.

Yeah.

All right.

We got to wrap though.

I got to go.

I got an appointment.

Go see Johnny Pemberton on tour.

It's johnnypemberton.dog for dates.

He's coming back to play Thaddeus in Fallout.

Yes, he's in

a fantastic movie.

As soon as you can see Mermaid, go see it.

And of course, he's in Bad Thoughts, which is streaming on Netflix right now.

Always great to see you, man.

Always see you, Johnny Peter.

Always for pleasure.

Thank you for coming.

All right.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Matt.

Bye.

I'm whispering a little bit because my woman is sleeping.

These are three-day warm.

Panties, panties, panties.

And uh dark pussy

teenage panties.

And I also paid extra for her.

Not to like her pussy after pissing.

Cause I'm monopolizing her vagina.

Right,

right.

Shit, mixed with piss, piss, mixed with fucking teenage pussy goose.

Or the bumble.

Let's give it away.

Oh,

direction achieved.

Direction achieved.

Oh,

direction achieved.

Direction fucking achieved.

Oh, this is giving me a donor.

Oh, this is giving me a donor.

Oh, that is pungent.

You can smell some shit with a pussy that was not wiped after messing, missing me, missing me.

Oh,

her panties have a very similar smell.

Pungent and nasty, nasty, nasty.

This is habit, boys.

This is habit, boys.

But I paid an extra for the three days of wearing.

I never tipped women, I never tipped women.

Cause I felt like I was the tip.

Tip.

Let's give it away.

Direction achieved.

Direction achieved.

This is a giving me a donor.

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