Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812

Transcript

Speaker 1 New Jersey, I'll be bringing my come together tour to Atlantic City this June for two shows at Hard Rock Live at ETES Arena on Friday, June 20th and Saturday, June 21st.

Speaker 7 Get tickets now at tomskira.com slash tour.

Speaker 5 Welcome.

Speaker 5 Welcome to your mom's house.

Speaker 8 This isn't just a game, it's a once-in-a-generation event.

Speaker 9 The Harlem Globetrotters 100-year tour.

Speaker 10 Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks, 100 years of show-stopping moves, and 100 years of changing the game.

Speaker 9 Bring the whole family and be part of the legacy.

Speaker 8 This game is once in a century.

Speaker 12 Be there at Chase Center on January 18th.

Speaker 14 Go to HarlemGlobetrotters.com for your tickets to the 100-year tour.

Speaker 14 Oh my gosh

Speaker 14 Oh

Speaker 14 my gosh

Speaker 14 Oh

Speaker 14 my gosh

Speaker 14 Oh my gosh

Speaker 14 oh my God.

Speaker 14 Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Speaker 5 Oh my God. Oh my God.

Speaker 5 Oh my God. Oh my God.
Oh my God.

Speaker 15 That's not bad.

Speaker 16 Not bad at all.

Speaker 5 Not bad at all. Unbelievable.

Speaker 17 Such a classic.

Speaker 18 Such a good work.

Speaker 19 We got to put out

Speaker 21 a call for more songs. I know.

Speaker 18 It's been a while.

Speaker 6 Why don't we do a thing where we

Speaker 24 can do a worker song?

Speaker 20 Worker. I'm a worker.

Speaker 2 Where we

Speaker 25 have like a competition or something.

Speaker 27 You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 28 let's get some song submissions in here and then let's do a prize for like our favorite song.

Speaker 24 It's a great idea, Tom.

Speaker 30 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 5 You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? I'm like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm a worker.

Speaker 15 Let's get some.

Speaker 31 Let's get some of those music workers out there to start working.

Speaker 24 Hey, I mean, I don't know. I don't want to let the cat out of the bag here, but I'm just too excited is that Tony Johns is getting out of jail today.

Speaker 27 Wow, you really jumped all over.

Speaker 5 I'm just too excited.

Speaker 24 I'm just, there's so much going on in

Speaker 5 this.

Speaker 32 It's a huge day here. It's a huge day.

Speaker 33 Tony Johns, as of this recording, is getting out of jail.

Speaker 36 It's very exciting to see what jail was like, what he's going to do right now.

Speaker 37 Will he still work as a worker in scenes?

Speaker 30 All that is to be determined still.

Speaker 24 What I think is most interesting to me is is what will be his first stop?

Speaker 5 Let's put some money on it.

Speaker 24 I'm going to go with his local bar where he knows people.

Speaker 1 I don't know if he's going to go to the bar.

Speaker 33 I think he wants to get him a swig, like an orange swig or something.

Speaker 37 He's probably going to get his swig down, maybe some beef jerky or something.

Speaker 40 I think it's a 7-Eleven stop to refuel

Speaker 41 after

Speaker 22 jail food and drinks.

Speaker 24 That's true. Yeah.

Speaker 42 That's a good thing.

Speaker 33 Maybe go pick up a hustler or something like that.

Speaker 38 Penthouse.

Speaker 5 Some, you know, library materials, library stuff.

Speaker 43 Yeah, I love the library.

Speaker 37 Um, I have even bigger news.

Speaker 45 Let me just play the opening clip and then we'll just get right into it.

Speaker 24 We didn't even open the show.

Speaker 33 Yeah, we haven't opened the show yet.

Speaker 48 Don't pull on my fucking tampon string.

Speaker 46 I would punch you so fucking far across this whole goddamn fucking

Speaker 5 thing. Yeah.

Speaker 51 Don't bring anyone loving for this.

Speaker 5 Your mom in the fucking stand. Well, well, come on Welcome to your mom's house

Speaker 5 with Tom Sagura, Tom Subsura, and Christina Pajitsi.

Speaker 5 Welcome to your mom's house.

Speaker 24 Dude, who has not felt that way?

Speaker 24 Dude, so many dudes want to pull on my fucking tampon string.

Speaker 41 So many?

Speaker 24 It's disgusting.

Speaker 33 Has it always been a thing?

Speaker 24 Dude, guys love it. Yeah.
no, but I do remember like when I was in junior high school,

Speaker 24 this one bit or like high school, this one bitch was like, Yeah, we we fucked in the shower and he pulled out my tampon and he put it like in the shower and then we left it there and I forgot about it.

Speaker 24 I was like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? What's wrong with y'all?

Speaker 24 I know, I keep my tampon stuff so separate from you and your world. You've never experienced it, right?

Speaker 33 No, and you've never said this to me.

Speaker 53 Don't pull on my fucking tampon string she's cool i like her i like her voice like a smoker's voice you know so it's kind of moose soupy it's got some moose soup it has moose soup quality to it yeah

Speaker 5 fucking awesome i wonder like what the guys are doing good yeah what do you think her story is some guy was with her and she's like leave it in dummy somebody clearly just did it to her maybe he was just like come on let me get in there you know and she was like no i'm not i'm sick of that don't pull the tampon strings stop pulling the string.

Speaker 5 Fuck head.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Well, this is a big day.

Speaker 55 We have, god damn, we have such like massive.

Speaker 36 I just have to

Speaker 36 tell you this way.

Speaker 5 This is a YMH exclusive. YMH exclusive.
YMH exclusive.

Speaker 58 Real quick, I should also just say thank you to everybody who has watched Bad Thoughts on Netflix.

Speaker 25 I've gotten thousands of messages and comments from people.

Speaker 44 Um, some of you love it, love it, some of you don't love it, but either way, I got to tell you, I'm thrilled with it.

Speaker 27 It's a very liberating thing to make something you wanted to make, and you can kind of just go, Yeah, I know some people like it, so who will like it?

Speaker 5 Pull my tampon string.

Speaker 54 I kind of feel like that.

Speaker 25 I feel like my tampon strings hanging out.

Speaker 24 And I'm just telling you, you're still in the top 10 as of this recording. You're still

Speaker 53 out, still on there.

Speaker 1 People, um, yeah, it's been a really fun couple weeks for me.

Speaker 28 So, I I just want to say thank you to everybody who watched it and sent me messages.

Speaker 55 Thank you so much.

Speaker 45 Okay, here is

Speaker 3 the crazy fucking update, okay?

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 We have for years

Speaker 29 been wondering what happened to this guy.

Speaker 24 His pig Norman Summerton.

Speaker 5 He has tit cups.

Speaker 24 Been in these babies for seven hours now.

Speaker 5 Seven hours.

Speaker 5 Look at these things, eh?

Speaker 5 Yeah, and then... That's a long time.

Speaker 64 Yeah, he just, you know.

Speaker 5 Imagine a pig with tits. I love that line.
Yeah, why not? Well, it's time to take him off and have a shower, and these pig is starting to stink up the high heavens.

Speaker 24 So let's get these tit cups off.

Speaker 5 There's one.

Speaker 24 This is not good for your breasts.

Speaker 5 Let's get the other one off. The red.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Imagine a pig with tits.

Speaker 57 That's always stuck with me.

Speaker 40 And we have asked about him

Speaker 34 a bunch over the years.

Speaker 30 And then we got the notification that somebody found him.

Speaker 18 He is on a

Speaker 58 fetish

Speaker 27 dating site.

Speaker 34 It's his profile there is loser pig.

Speaker 38 That looks like there's a penis in his mouth.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I'm not used to seeing him like that.

Speaker 24 I don't like to think of him that way.

Speaker 65 Well, that's where the pig, that's what the pig's doing there.

Speaker 40 About, it says pig to host.

Speaker 30 Pig resides in Northwest near 64th Avenue, Center Street.

Speaker 24 Very specific details. Here you go.

Speaker 1 Stupid loser pig Norm Summerton lives to serve, worship, and obey superior women since the age of 16, now 75.

Speaker 30 Wow. Loser pig is a masochist.

Speaker 1 Loser pig is deep into BDSM tattoos, sporting on its forehead in three-inch letters the word pig. Loser pig is permanently locked in a steel chastity cage since January 1st.

Speaker 1 or January 20 of 01, and the keyholder is Mistress Calicious and is paid $100 per month. Wow.

Speaker 41 Loser Pig is the owned property of Mistress Corey, to whom takes

Speaker 41 all of Loser Pig's money every month since 20 January 23rd.

Speaker 30 At first, it was $200 per month.

Speaker 33 Over time, it is now all of Loser Pig's unaccounted for money.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 65 Loser Pig is also a free service boy toy to suck cocks, swallow, cum, and serve as a piss toilet.

Speaker 30 Pig owners control pig, exploiting pig and destroying pig's male ego and turning him into a sissy loser pig.

Speaker 5 Man, yeah.

Speaker 24 This is money on the table for any women out there that aren't doing this.

Speaker 21 God, we're always trying to encourage you ladies.

Speaker 24 It's making me crazy. Like, if I had to do this, like, let's say it's COVID,

Speaker 24 got no money, I would do this in a minute. Just have a moment.
Put that thing on your cage and send me money. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Put your dick in there.

Speaker 45 Be a pay pig for someone to be your little pay pig.

Speaker 24 I don't like to say that's your granddad.

Speaker 30 Yep, 75 years old.

Speaker 5 El Porco.

Speaker 34 Oh, he's got the full beard here.

Speaker 5 Yep. I like that.

Speaker 26 That's kind of a new look.

Speaker 1 Good job, Norm. Still at it.

Speaker 5 Did it look good? Wow.

Speaker 65 Got the big loser hand signal there.

Speaker 30 He's got a pig snout on.

Speaker 24 Hold on a second. We're looking at his dick cage.
Yeah. Does it go into his urethra?

Speaker 22 Not sure. There's a lot going on there.

Speaker 52 I'm trying to not look too hard.

Speaker 24 I think it goes into his hole.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's a kind of look how sweet he looks right there.

Speaker 23 I know.

Speaker 45 That is a sweet grandpa, right?

Speaker 5 He's got a good bra, too.

Speaker 65 Sissy beta pig.

Speaker 5 Yep.

Speaker 57 He's got all the tats.

Speaker 5 Looking good.

Speaker 57 There's also some

Speaker 64 new videos.

Speaker 5 Pig Norman Summerton.

Speaker 5 Total loser. Total loser.

Speaker 63 Pig with tits. Stupid, stupid pig.

Speaker 52 I always, every time I see him, I have to remind myself that this was a lot of people's mortgage broker.

Speaker 5 And so

Speaker 69 there's people who see this clip and they go, I wonder if I got the best rate from this guy.

Speaker 27 Yep. You know?

Speaker 70 Yep.

Speaker 26 Yep. Yep, yep.

Speaker 33 I signed up 7% for 30 years with this fucking guy.

Speaker 29 I wonder if I could have been at 5.5% if he hadn't been so focused on his pig tits.

Speaker 5 Oh my God, there he is as a civilian.

Speaker 24 That's before the tattoo. But when do you think he committed to the tattoo?

Speaker 30 Well, he was obviously into the lifestyle probably then. He just didn't have his fucking head tattooed.

Speaker 24 But then he retired, and then he got the.

Speaker 24 But how many people do you think in your world right now are doing this crazy stuff behind closed doors?

Speaker 71 Probably not a lot.

Speaker 1 Not a lot. Somebody, for sure.
There's people doing secret shit.

Speaker 34 But.

Speaker 24 God, I wonder who on our staff is doing it.

Speaker 5 I don't know.

Speaker 63 That's the sound of pig Norman Simmerton saying it is just a stupid sissy beta pig.

Speaker 24 Daddy, can we go visit Grandpa today?

Speaker 30 There's somebody doing that.

Speaker 15 Can we stop by Grandpa's house?

Speaker 5 And here's

Speaker 5 Grandpa's doing his own thing.

Speaker 41 Yeah, he's kind of busy right now.

Speaker 24 Grandpa's a bingo.

Speaker 13 He's a pig with tits.

Speaker 63 Homemade tits. Or should I say homegrown tits?

Speaker 24 You know the weirdest thing I have with Norm?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 This to me isn't in the slightest creepy for me. Yeah.
I don't get

Speaker 24 icky feelings.

Speaker 36 Is it because he's so open?

Speaker 24 Like, he's such an open? Maybe it's like such a pure desire within him. Yeah.
There's no...

Speaker 24 I don't feel grossed out by him. Now, however, you know, the guy I do feel grossed out by is like, I'll make you come.
Like that guy who's watching Rachel Maddow in his glasses. Yeah.

Speaker 24 That makes me want to vomit. But Norm, I just like, there's something innocent about him.
Yeah. Does that make sense? There's something sweet about Norm.

Speaker 26 Yeah, I understand. That's something sweet about him.

Speaker 65 He's got the thong tattoo and he's got a bra tattoo.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Huh. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Aw, look how happy.

Speaker 5 Look how happy he is.

Speaker 72 He's so happy.

Speaker 24 Dude, if this was your dad.

Speaker 5 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 24 I don't want to see that, babe.

Speaker 5 I don't want to see that.

Speaker 5 Now I feel gross. I don't want to see dad.

Speaker 53 Wait, do you still feel the same way?

Speaker 24 I do like that he's with a younger guy who shaved. Like, I like that for him.

Speaker 73 And you're stuck in your mouth.

Speaker 5 Wow, come on. Stop it.
Dad.

Speaker 12 Stop it.

Speaker 64 Switching up to pace.

Speaker 73 And your mouth.

Speaker 5 Try it. I feel like

Speaker 5 I die. I don't want this.

Speaker 74 9, 18, 36.

Speaker 24 9, 18, or 36 times? Are you going to start doing this to me?

Speaker 30 You're supposed to go.

Speaker 24 Oh, I suck it in?

Speaker 19 Stop. How do you contract?

Speaker 5 Stop.

Speaker 24 I hate it.

Speaker 19 You contract vagina.

Speaker 24 I don't like his sound effects. I got it.
Thank you.

Speaker 5 Stop pulling my tamp on.

Speaker 75 36.

Speaker 24 Guys, so far, so good. You've really been making me feel good on this.

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Speaker 22 Well, the norm update is crazy.

Speaker 2 So we know he's back at it.

Speaker 27 This is probably in the greater Calgary area.

Speaker 24 We have a specific.

Speaker 27 Yeah, can we try to reach out?

Speaker 5 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 32 Would love to.

Speaker 33 I'm open just so you know, to flying norm here.

Speaker 79 Maybe hiring a local dom to give him a treat while he's in town.

Speaker 24 I think he needs the permission of Mrs.

Speaker 33 Tallinn.

Speaker 58 Well, I think we reach out to him and we say...

Speaker 43 Yeah, we go, we go, can your mistress there provide permission for you to get pissed and beat on here?

Speaker 38 Sure.

Speaker 5 And, you know, we'd love to have you come by.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 24 That's daunting. Does he sit in my chair and I move next to you?

Speaker 58 I think it's probably best.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Do we let him wear tit cups?

Speaker 5 Yeah, of course. We request tit cups.

Speaker 33 I can't wait. And then you're a lady, so you can be like, hey, hey, pig loser.

Speaker 52 And you'll be like, yeah.

Speaker 5 He'd love that. Yeah.

Speaker 24 He'd love that.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 22 Then you go, fillate my husband.

Speaker 53 And then I go over there. And,

Speaker 59 you know, he does his thing.

Speaker 17 And I go, it's just for the bit.

Speaker 24 Annie, what do you think feels worse?

Speaker 19 I think it's really cool that we're starting with this gay shit.

Speaker 5 It's really cool.

Speaker 71 Didn't even fucking wait this time.

Speaker 53 This isn't even in the fucking gay folder.

Speaker 31 It's just, it's just how we start the show.

Speaker 5 It's really cool. Really the fan.

Speaker 24 You ever ate your own f ⁇ before?

Speaker 5 Of of course i mean

Speaker 5 you have to try it well what what would it taste like

Speaker 51 so i actually eat a lot of citrus because i've heard that that makes it taste better and my boyfriend's a swallower so i try to put a lot of oranges grapefruits into my diet so that if it swallows my low deep down it tastes yummy can i taste it you may

Speaker 5 and me

Speaker 5 What

Speaker 5 do you want from me?

Speaker 33 I just want to know what you thought of that.

Speaker 5 Hate it.

Speaker 71 Not a fan. All right.

Speaker 31 He should stop talking.

Speaker 5 All right, we'll do another one. Annie, hold on.

Speaker 5 How do you even bother?

Speaker 5 He's got a great body. It does.
They all do.

Speaker 24 Annie, does it bother you more when the gays are black?

Speaker 5 A lot more.

Speaker 5 I knew I hated a lot more.

Speaker 71 No, I sensed that i sensed it wait why do you hate that more because it feels like family they're like they're lost you know i want to help them i want to help them find jesus

Speaker 5 save themselves it's very upsetting hold on i have a question for you would you rather your oh no oh no man

Speaker 24 your dad be one of these fellas here in the video or norm summerton What?

Speaker 5 Wait, what? Would I rather...

Speaker 24 Your dad is either Norm Summerton or one of these gentlemen in this video.

Speaker 71 You have to pick. Oh, my dad is either Norm or one of these guys.
These motherfucking niggas?

Speaker 71 Oh, my God, man. No, neither.

Speaker 5 That's the same thing. It's not the same thing.

Speaker 24 One is black and one is white. There's a difference.

Speaker 71 You can't make my dad white.

Speaker 5 Yeah, his dad's black.

Speaker 33 But would you rather have your dad wear tit cups and do I'm a

Speaker 33 piss drinking beta cuck with Mistress Corgi or whatever?

Speaker 58 Or would you rather have your dad do little twerk videos with his homeboys?

Speaker 5 Why do I gotta do this, man?

Speaker 71 Why do I, why do y'all?

Speaker 5 Why you know, I work so hard, I know you do. We love you.

Speaker 71 I put so much stuff together.

Speaker 41 Okay, all right, all right.

Speaker 29 He doesn't want to answer. We'll go to the next video.

Speaker 24 I think it's the black stuff, bro.

Speaker 5 Yo, bad, why are you wearing the freaky uh pants?

Speaker 49 What are you talking about?

Speaker 5 There's a zipper right here, bro.

Speaker 5 Are you trying to make a move on me?

Speaker 5 Maybe.

Speaker 5 I like it. Yo,

Speaker 72 guess what?

Speaker 59 I got you a pair of pants.

Speaker 5 I will quit.

Speaker 5 I will quit the show before I wear those pants.

Speaker 71 Yeah, those pants. I'll show them.

Speaker 5 Those pants are diabolic. That's crazy.
That's really sad.

Speaker 57 Asshole zipper pants.

Speaker 24 But I'm hung up on the logic of it because the undies are blocking.

Speaker 45 I know.

Speaker 36 Well, I think he can't post that video.

Speaker 5 Oh, you know what I mean?

Speaker 24 He can't if it's informational.

Speaker 34 All right, which is your favorite video so far?

Speaker 71 My favorite video

Speaker 60 of the ones we showed, him saying

Speaker 28 I

Speaker 5 gonna quit. I'm going.
It's I'm close, bro.

Speaker 5 I'm fucking close.

Speaker 83 I wanted to come to his face and actually show him how we suck dick. You know what I mean?

Speaker 71 You know,

Speaker 71 oddly enough, this one doesn't bother me as much.

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 71 Because it's kind of gangster. I don't know.
The way he said it, the way he said it's kind of like, yeah, like, I'll suck your dick, but I'm going to fucking just because I could fuck you up.

Speaker 5 You know what I'm saying? Okay, so

Speaker 5 some of the attitude behind it okay yeah like like i would never talk shit on this man no this dude right here if you were like what's up you know you're sweet he would just punch you in the mouth oh my god sweet that's crazy

Speaker 24 i think it's the effeminate the effemineness of that bothers him yeah he doesn't like that yeah but this dude is this is different you know yeah because

Speaker 71 yeah that's different it's like more aggressive like uh yeah that dude's cool in my book that's cool man it's fine that's cool that's my favorite video. There you go.

Speaker 65 All right. There you go.

Speaker 24 Like, that's how you should be gay. That's strong.

Speaker 5 Yeah. I like it.
I like it, too. Fucking cool, man.

Speaker 24 Yeah. It's like the straight guy.

Speaker 71 Yeah, that's the thing, too, about talking about fucking whatever Spartans and shit were gay. Like, not like that, though.

Speaker 5 They weren't fucking like, oh, my God. Like, they weren't.
Spartans were hard as fuck, bro. Yeah.
They would fuck your shit up. That's right.
And so fuck you. Yeah.
Be tough. Yeah.

Speaker 22 All right. There's the message.
That's a good message to put out there.

Speaker 24 But I kind of agree because it's like,

Speaker 24 why can't, if you're gay, like, why do you have to act a certain way too? Like, why? Well, are you a fan of like

Speaker 2 Daddy DeMarco, like, his style?

Speaker 39 Was that appealing to you?

Speaker 71 Appealing is not the word that I would choose.

Speaker 54 But, like, he was like, yo, I'll fuck you up.

Speaker 5 Yeah, right.

Speaker 71 I mean, yeah, like, that's kind of gangsta shit.

Speaker 5 Like, I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah.

Speaker 71 I don't, yeah, I don't, you don't have to be a girl to be gay.

Speaker 86 Just bathing.

Speaker 45 Just be gay.

Speaker 5 You don't do that.

Speaker 24 You don't have to adopt the whole language.

Speaker 6 But I think that just comes with, like, you know, person to person.

Speaker 65 People are just who they are.

Speaker 24 That's true.

Speaker 37 You know, some people just speak a certain way and walk a certain way.

Speaker 27 And, you know, some people don't.

Speaker 25 I mean, this dude is, he's not an effeminate guy, but he's still like, y'all suck the shit out your dick.

Speaker 24 You know, so it's just how that's how Annie would be gay if any had to be gay. I think he would be like that, like aggressively.

Speaker 24 Like angry, angry gay. That's what I would probably be if I were a man.

Speaker 41 You'd be an angry gay?

Speaker 24 Definitely.

Speaker 82 I don't think I would be like that.

Speaker 24 You'd be soft and sweet.

Speaker 59 I'd be a nice guy. Yeah.

Speaker 24 You'd be a nice guy.

Speaker 15 You know what I did last night?

Speaker 61 Fucked a bunch of guys. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 I think you would be the fun gay friend to have where you're not like. You don't broadcast that you're gay.
Right. Just like your friends know.

Speaker 5 Sure.

Speaker 21 Sure. Come out here crushing ass.

Speaker 21 Stupid. Yeah.

Speaker 54 This is really a lot of fun.

Speaker 21 You're going to enjoy this. This is real.

Speaker 24 Well, a Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves.

Speaker 24 Diane Diane Ringstaff said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was the Hollywood actor. They started chatting over the next two years.

Speaker 24 Diane says she saw Keanu's face during a few video chats, and then he sent her audio messages. Oh, wow.

Speaker 18 Oh, my God.

Speaker 65 This is just.

Speaker 85 Hold on. I think.
Good morning, my sunshine, Diane. As you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and that I am loyal to you.
You will always be my queen.

Speaker 85 Have a great day today, Diane. Love you.
Kisses from your loving Keanu.

Speaker 5 Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles.

Speaker 24 Knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there and fake voices and everything else, you know, ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 24 They think she should go to jail.

Speaker 5 How fucking stupid. Yeah, like how.

Speaker 24 She's not old either. She's not shy.

Speaker 27 Yeah, she's not 80 no she was just like oh kiana reeves is hitting me up i mean god he needs fucking 20 grand ever thought that he's got enough scratch yeah man's in trouble right now

Speaker 24 ding ding ding yeah your mom would get taken by something like this but your mom's 80.

Speaker 24 yeah she you could definitely trigger would you think your mom no your mom wouldn't even be like smarter than this oh my god kisses from your loving kianu kisses from your loving kisses from your loving keanu

Speaker 50 hello diane this is Keanu Reeves. You may know me from films like The Matrix.

Speaker 78 I need money.

Speaker 57 I love you.

Speaker 24 And Bitcoin, I didn't even realize you could,

Speaker 24 that's still a thing.

Speaker 50 $160,000?

Speaker 1 Says she was skeptical when the scammer first messaged her, but she says she video chatted with the scammer who looked and sounded exactly like the actor.

Speaker 30 It's like, it's depressing, too, bro.

Speaker 82 So sad.

Speaker 65 It's so depressing.

Speaker 24 It's really sad. I think, yeah, humanity is getting this guy.

Speaker 25 Could not believe the money was coming in, too.

Speaker 5 He was like, this is so crazy that this works.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 24 This is crazy. You know what's going to be fun, though? Is the uptick of stories like this as AI gets better and better?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I can't wait.

Speaker 85 Oh, my God. Good morning, my sunshine, Diane.

Speaker 24 Good morning, my sunshine, Diane.

Speaker 27 Diane, I did Keanu Reeves.

Speaker 5 Ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 6 $160,000.

Speaker 24 Do you think they had, they definitely had video sex together?

Speaker 54 She's leaving that out.

Speaker 1 When he would come, I'm sorry.

Speaker 24 You know what's crazy? Kayan, rub your tits.

Speaker 40 Keanu has probably the best reputation in all of Hollywood.

Speaker 33 And I bet if he caught wind of this story, he would want to do something for this lady.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Yeah.
I know, and then everybody would be like, oh, yeah, Keanu stole money from me, too. Dude, it's so depressing.
It's so.

Speaker 24 is a she isn't old old but like that's 160 grand that's probably a big part of her savings you know that's everything yeah that's so much money to give to

Speaker 5 robot Keanu

Speaker 24 what other shit I want to hear the dirtier like the sweet talking he must have been sending her shit all day like Keanu again have you played with your clit for daddy

Speaker 38 She was like, well, he would tell me to do things.

Speaker 24 That's what's really happening.

Speaker 37 I hadn't played with my clit in years.

Speaker 24 Good night, my sweet chine. Yeah.

Speaker 50 I'm going to bust nuts thinking of you now.

Speaker 55 Good night, sweet Diane.

Speaker 1 It's your favorite actor, Keanu.

Speaker 24 And then she's like, are you filming that movie? Yes, I am on set in England now. Like, it's so bad.

Speaker 78 No one has money here. I need your money.

Speaker 8 This isn't just a game. It's a once-in-a-generation event.

Speaker 9 Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks 100 years of show stopping moves and 100 years of changing the game bring the whole family and be part of the legacy this game is once in a century be there at chase center on january 18th go to harlemglobetrotters.com for your tickets to the 100 year tour

Speaker 5 Fucking so what do you think he told her?

Speaker 24 Oh, he said that he has legal troubles so that he needs her and he needs Bitcoin

Speaker 5 What the fuck?

Speaker 59 Can you pull up the Denzel thing?

Speaker 82 I'm so excited about this.

Speaker 5 Nothing made me happier. Idiot.

Speaker 26 Some fucking fuckhead in Can.

Speaker 1 These people on the red carpet there

Speaker 79 are out of their minds the way they...

Speaker 61 So this guy, look, Denzel is like, hey, motherfucker, to this guy.

Speaker 53 And the guy has a big old donkey smile on his face and keeps touching him.

Speaker 62 And you can see that he's like, hey, fuckhead, don't touch me right look at this

Speaker 22 the guy's like oh no it's okay he's like don't fucking put your hands on me dumb shit

Speaker 35 told you

Speaker 5 okay and then the guy reaches out and grabs his arm it's like bro stop stop

Speaker 5 stop

Speaker 5 stop yeah

Speaker 24 that's within his rights to not be yeah i mean i know it's crazy Don't touch him. He's standing in front of you.

Speaker 34 And the frogs there, they're notorious for being like really

Speaker 6 like controlling of where you stand and when you can stop like the whole red carpet there is this nonsense that's what i heard last year

Speaker 58 they like yeah they they it was a big thing where they like pulled this actress off as she was going up the stairs they're like you can't stop for photos here and she was like what and they got really aggressive with her i forget who it was but you could tell here he wants to fucking punch this guy in the mouth yeah he's trying to start some shit you want to talk some shit yeah i would have loved if Denzel had punched that guy.

Speaker 5 I know.

Speaker 78 But he's going over there.

Speaker 1 So he must be going over there for something said, right?

Speaker 24 Yeah, shots fired. He fucking said something first.
And he's like, hey, asshole. Don't fuck with me.
I know you're fucking with me.

Speaker 25 And look at his big, goofy fucking...

Speaker 24 Yeah, big, stupid French mouth. Punch him right in his dumb French mouth.

Speaker 5 Yes, yes, I'm happy. Hey, croissant.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Put that baguette right up your ass.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah, he's fucking with him. He's saying stupid shit.

Speaker 43 This video fires me up.

Speaker 22 I want to grab that guy.

Speaker 24 Because you're angry and that's a nice way to release that rage.

Speaker 36 Through somebody else?

Speaker 24 Yeah, I can see that with you. That's an excuse to fight and it's a legitimate one.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 27 That all my anger comes out that way.

Speaker 5 Because I think you would be pardoned for that one.

Speaker 24 If some guy keeps fucking touching you.

Speaker 59 Does it say anything out here?

Speaker 87 Let's see.

Speaker 26 So he abruptly, allegedly called out a photographer touching his arm at Cannes.

Speaker 34 The professional lip reader revealed that the actor yelled at the aggressive shutter bug in their headline making spat, hey, one, one more time, stop.

Speaker 61 The actor warned after physical contact was made initially.

Speaker 24 I think he's being reasonable. I don't even think he snaps.
I mean, this is a very normal thing.

Speaker 5 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 27 Never put your hands on me.

Speaker 25 I'm talking to you.

Speaker 7 Stop.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 79 The liberty expert claimed that the photographer responded to Washington's pleas with dismissal, telling him not allowed.

Speaker 29 Before cracking a devilish grin. Yeah.

Speaker 5 I don't know what that is

Speaker 64 what this guy was thinking, man.

Speaker 5 It came out of the city. Look at this study.
You're right. Look at his dumb dog.

Speaker 33 Oh, he's like, can I take a picture?

Speaker 5 His big.

Speaker 33 Stop it. Stop it.
I mean it. Stop it.

Speaker 5 He's going to kill him. Yeah.

Speaker 28 That's really crazy.

Speaker 24 Well, you can't put hands on people.

Speaker 27 I mean, come on. And then he goes to grab after all that.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Dude, I would fucking punch him.

Speaker 64 That's what I'm saying. It is

Speaker 62 really nut.

Speaker 5 Look how fucking pissed he is. Of course.

Speaker 24 And why don't they have security being like, why are you touching Denzel Washington, dipshit?

Speaker 24 Is that a security guy?

Speaker 22 No, that's ASAP Rock.

Speaker 24 Well, he should have had security.

Speaker 26 And then is Spike there in like just Nick's colors?

Speaker 59 Is that what he's wearing underneath?

Speaker 5 Scroll down.

Speaker 5 What? He's just wearing like

Speaker 5 Nick's suit.

Speaker 24 Him in those silly glasses as I'm talking in the middle.

Speaker 35 Denzel's still pissed.

Speaker 5 He's thinking about that photography.

Speaker 24 He's like, I'm going to fuck that guy up. I'm going to fuck him right up.

Speaker 5 That's insane.

Speaker 24 Do you play the other thing I sent you, Gene?

Speaker 5 Which one? From Cannes.

Speaker 24 Oh. It's just.

Speaker 30 At the theater?

Speaker 24 With Pedro Casco.

Speaker 24 Look at the man next to the guy that Pedro's hugging.

Speaker 38 Yeah, Pedro's hugging a guy, and there's a guy in a full fucking pup play outfit.

Speaker 5 I know.

Speaker 45 Who's just like, I'm at the movie, too.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 24 I can come out.

Speaker 24 This is very exciting for me because I want you to show up at your next red carpet event wearing a pop play mask and I want the story to be like Tom Segura comes out and you're like this is who I am and we've been marginalized for so long it's not

Speaker 30 just doing this because I guess this who I feel like I'm myself

Speaker 5 That's really cool.

Speaker 24 But watch Hollywood is like, oh my God, so brave. Tom Segura is so brave for coming out as a pop.

Speaker 24 We need to give him his own movie about it. And then you have to make movies about pop play.

Speaker 1 We're tired of being cast aside.

Speaker 4 Okay, let's take a quick break, and we'll be right back.

Speaker 5 You got to love these things, eh? I know I do. I love the weight of them.

Speaker 33 We are back, and we are so happy to welcome back one of our all-time favorites, one of the funniest people working today.

Speaker 38 She has a new special out on Hulu called I'm the Man.

Speaker 4 It's Jessica Kirsten.

Speaker 5 Thank you. Fucking favorite.
You're mine.

Speaker 24 I'm in love with the two of you. I wish we could all be in a relationship.

Speaker 5 We can be. We can.

Speaker 79 Well, I'm Polly and I'm Bi, so it's fine.

Speaker 24 Well, that's the thing now, isn't it? To have thrupples and

Speaker 5 do you do this?

Speaker 24 Are you into this? Yeah, I have 17 partners. Yeah, this fucking helps.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah, one of them is a camel.

Speaker 24 No, now I'm going to get hate mail. Like, that's not okay.
You know, sometimes the lesbians are like

Speaker 24 fucking camels, isn't it? You You know, isn't it?

Speaker 53 Oh, do they get you like on the senses?

Speaker 5 Like, they're hot.

Speaker 52 What?

Speaker 54 Do people like ever hit you up with like that part wasn't cool?

Speaker 24 Not a lot, but when they do, I just always like it, and I'm like, you're right, and stuff like that.

Speaker 24 I used to, when people would give me hate on Facebook, I'd go to their page and blow up a horrible picture of them, and then that would be my response. I was out of my mind.

Speaker 44 People are so

Speaker 7 illogical. Like,

Speaker 25 I have a series that came out, and there's these ridiculous stories in them.

Speaker 33 And, like one of them, like one of the feedback I got from someone, they're like,

Speaker 29 there's one where I lose my mind in a coffee shop.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 22 And somebody was like, I don't know what you did this for.

Speaker 21 Like, that never happened.

Speaker 5 I'm like, what do you mean?

Speaker 38 That I didn't kill three people?

Speaker 22 And they were like, well, nobody.

Speaker 24 And it's so stupid.

Speaker 26 Nobody filled your entire glass with milk.

Speaker 75 And I go, yeah, it's an exaggeration.

Speaker 5 Like, that's the whole thing. It's a TV.

Speaker 17 Yeah, it's a TV thing.

Speaker 24 They're so dumb.

Speaker 5 They're so dumb. So they're so dumb.

Speaker 33 Then we have another one where it's supposed to be her and I are watching our son at a school play, but it's called Grandparents' Day.

Speaker 54 And what it is, is the kid is performing a piece that the grandparent has basically taught them.

Speaker 5 Right.

Speaker 1 And in our case,

Speaker 1 our son is telling war stories from Vietnam.

Speaker 81 Right.

Speaker 25 And he's just like talking about like blacks and Jews and like, he's saying, because it's the grandfather's voice.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 21 And like, I got, they're they're like, this is a horrible portrayal of veterans.

Speaker 5 I'm like,

Speaker 24 I get that stuff sometimes.

Speaker 5 What? Yeah.

Speaker 24 Especially when I do like something about another country or an accent. Oh, those go viral.

Speaker 24 I'm glad. I'm like, perfect.

Speaker 24 Because I'll say to someone, like, where are you from? And they're like, Spain. And one of them and I said, oh, I love tacos.
Like, as a joke, there are 7,000 comments about

Speaker 24 tacos aren't from Spain.

Speaker 5 And I'm like, really?

Speaker 24 I had no idea.

Speaker 24 Well, we just had a story before you came in here. A 65-year-old woman was convinced that she was having an online relationship with Keanu Reeves and sent him $160,000 in Bitcoin.
You know what?

Speaker 24 She sent him money.

Speaker 40 It's so pathetic.

Speaker 28 I'm going to show you. I don't think it's going to be a good idea.

Speaker 5 I need to see it.

Speaker 24 Well, a Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves.

Speaker 24 Diane Ringstaff said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was the Hollywood actor. They started chatting over the next two years.
Look at her face.

Speaker 5 Two years.

Speaker 24 He saw Keanu's face during a few video chats, and then he sent her audio messages.

Speaker 85 Good morning, my Sunshine Diane. As you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and that I am loyal to you.
You will always be my queen.

Speaker 85 Have a great day today, Diane. Love you.
Kisses from your loving Keanu.

Speaker 5 Keanu says he needs tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles.

Speaker 24 Knowing what what I know now.

Speaker 5 She got a haircut.

Speaker 24 Fake voices and everything else.

Ding, ding, ding. Jesus.

Speaker 5 Oh my God. Is that my mother?

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 24 But I can see myself. Now, hold on.
We've all been there. You're unemployed.
It's 2004. You're home all day playing puzzle bauble.
You're watching Roger Lodge on Blind Date.

Speaker 24 Had AI existed, I might be doing words with friends. And then some celebrity pops up

Speaker 24 and you're vulnerable. And he's like, I love you.
Just sending you love today.

Speaker 24 You just sound like you have a problem.

Speaker 50 Good morning, my Queen Christina.

Speaker 1 It is Keanu Reeves, your favorite actor.

Speaker 57 I'm in legal trouble.

Speaker 5 Legal trouble? Legal trouble?

Speaker 24 What possibly?

Speaker 33 And she never was like, I wonder if Keanu could like hit up.

Speaker 24 No, did you see her face when she's like, yeah.

Speaker 24 Keanu contacted me.

Speaker 24 You're right. She's so tweaked.
Yeah.

Speaker 36 Well, she's tweaked in that frame.

Speaker 24 She's on crystal meth and has horrible PTSD.

Speaker 5 Oh, my God. Like me.

Speaker 5 Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 5 Yeah. This is from your loving Kiana.

Speaker 50 You will always be my queen.

Speaker 85 You will always be my queen.

Speaker 58 I mean, I feel bad for her, but she's also a fucking moron.

Speaker 24 I don't feel bad for her. I feel bad because because she is mentally ill and not in a home.

Speaker 24 I mean it. Like, I feel bad that she has a problem.

Speaker 6 160, 160 grand, she sent me.

Speaker 24 Okay, then, you know what? It should go away. Like, I'm sorry if you do that.

Speaker 24 I'm going to pretend to be Keanu Reeves. Imagine if I did it and contacted her again.

Speaker 5 I saw what happened.

Speaker 24 This is the real Keanu Reeves.

Speaker 19 And you have the same color hairs.

Speaker 33 You can send a video and be like, it's Kiana.

Speaker 24 I just, I'm bloated. I'm bloated today, but I love you.

Speaker 1 Back in trouble again. Need more cash now.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24 And how stupid is she to share that audio with the news team? Like the local team.

Speaker 4 She thinks that's believable.

Speaker 5 No. That's how the, like, she's of the age where she's like, doesn't that sound like him?

Speaker 53 And everyone's like, no.

Speaker 28 She's like, oh, I thought it did.

Speaker 24 Yeah. I mean, it's, it would be amazing to hire Keanu Reeves to go to her house and kill her at this point.

Speaker 24 One big kick.

Speaker 40 I think it's funny that because he has such a nice guy reputation, if he actually actually heard this story and he was like, oh, fuck her.

Speaker 52 She's stupid.

Speaker 24 Dumb bitch.

Speaker 67 Dumb fucking bitch.

Speaker 5 She's a dumb bitch, though.

Speaker 4 Of course that wasn't me. You think I would hit you up on words with friends?

Speaker 19 Are you out of your goddamn mind?

Speaker 24 He's just on set somewhere playing words with friends.

Speaker 5 Oh, come on.

Speaker 24 Her face is how I feel inside all day.

Speaker 24 That's how I feel 20.

Speaker 24 Just panicked.

Speaker 5 Ah, fuck, man.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I know what you're saying.

Speaker 5 That's just. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 36 It is so fucked up, man.

Speaker 24 Pull your mic down, mommy. We see your beautiful putting them.

Speaker 5 Like, pull the whole thing down.

Speaker 24 Like this, like the arm.

Speaker 5 Yeah. The arm? Like, pull, push it.

Speaker 28 Oh, that's where she wants. Yeah, there you go.
Jack that thing.

Speaker 24 Is that better?

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's better.

Speaker 40 Congratulations on the special.

Speaker 24 It's better.

Speaker 5 Let's move on.

Speaker 22 No, no.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to make sure people know.

Speaker 57 You have a special out.

Speaker 53 It's on Hulu.

Speaker 40 I'm excited for you.

Speaker 58 Uh, where did you shoot?

Speaker 24 Uh, I shot it at Sony Hall in New York City. I didn't want like a big theater, I like like a club

Speaker 24 feeling theater, no, sounds massive. I know, well, the crowd was great, they were amazing.
We paid them a lot.

Speaker 59 That's awesome, yeah.

Speaker 5 Congratulations, yes, congrats.

Speaker 24 I'm really excited about it. I'm so funny, thank you.
You're my absolute favorite, and I feel like this is so long overdue for you. It's like, dude, yes, I know.
Get on Jessica Curse on World.

Speaker 24 Thank you. I mean, the fans are and the audiences and the comics, but, you know, it has not been.
I'm not bitter at all.

Speaker 24 I swear I'm so grateful for what I've done, but it's a little, it's been tough to get the industry on board with stuff like that.

Speaker 24 That's the only thing that's frustrated me is how long it took to get another special.

Speaker 5 Well, yeah.

Speaker 24 I mean, look,

Speaker 24 if you're not a cookie-cutter lady comic, I think it's a little harder. Yeah.
If you're saying stuff that's a little on the margins,

Speaker 24 they don't know what to do with you.

Speaker 5 I know, but

Speaker 24 they don't like the power, some of them, and the, you know, excuse me, the telling the truth and the like in your face kind of thing. No, which really is what people laugh at.

Speaker 24 I think that's the thing.

Speaker 5 That's what people ask us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 10 But also, I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot.

Speaker 17 Every woman's stupid, too.

Speaker 5 You know what I mean?

Speaker 24 Well, that too.

Speaker 24 Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Dog broad. Because you know what's so interesting abroad?

Speaker 24 Is that, you know, I look, again, I think you and I are both really fortunate to even have careers in this business. It's rare.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 That being said, like you look on servers and you're like, it's female stand-up comics still have to announce that they're a female comic, like in their special, whereas the norm is to be a male comic and just have it titled be anything else.

Speaker 24 You know what I mean? Like you can be like,

Speaker 24 you know, I don't know, ball hat, ball game, or I don't fucking, I don't know, mousetrap is the name of your special.

Speaker 24 Whereas we always have to announce like, this is a lady comic that they're not taken off guard or something.

Speaker 5 Right.

Speaker 24 Well, neither one of us are like female comics. I mean,

Speaker 24 because we're barely women.

Speaker 5 I mean,

Speaker 24 I have a huge dick. But I know the thing is, is like male comics have always said to me, like, you're not a female comic, you're a comic.

Speaker 24 And it's so, you know, a lot of them have not wanted to follow.

Speaker 37 Which is a huge compliment.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 24 It's huge. I don't, I don't talk about being a woman.

Speaker 5 Like, it's. I don't feel like it either.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Well, I don't feel like a woman.

Speaker 5 Me either. I think I'm non-binary.

Speaker 24 Me too, but I wouldn't, like, it's not.

Speaker 24 Meaning, like, from our generation. Yeah.
You know, if you said that years ago, it would be like, what the hell are you talking about?

Speaker 24 But I've never identified with the meat vessel to begin with. Yeah.
I've always, my heroes growing up were dudes, right?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I fucking liked Knight Rider.

Speaker 5 Me too. You know what I mean? You like the incredible Hulk.
Me too.

Speaker 24 Well, maybe I'm a lesbian. Yeah.
I want to date you. You might be.
She might date you.

Speaker 15 Sure.

Speaker 81 She has a lot of tendencies.

Speaker 24 I do. I'm very

Speaker 24 masculine. You've never experimented.
Well, in the 90s, of course. Yeah.
In college, you know, but then I can't eat pussy. I don't think I can.
I know a lot of women say that.

Speaker 24 They're like, I can do other things, but I cannot eat. What if you just got blasted out of your mind?

Speaker 5 Sure, I can do anything. In a blackout.
Okay.

Speaker 24 So go into a blackout and then eat some puss.

Speaker 5 So here's the problem.

Speaker 26 Get some fentanyl in your system.

Speaker 17 Fentanyl.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Go for it, dude.

Speaker 5 Here's the thing. I'll be there with you.

Speaker 24 Oh, that's hot.

Speaker 24 That's how I get women.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I'm going to seriously be sick.

Speaker 5 That is that sound.

Speaker 24 Ew, Tom.

Speaker 22 I know what turns her on.

Speaker 24 So fucking gnarly, dude.

Speaker 21 Oh, here, this will change your mind.

Speaker 64 This will make you some box.

Speaker 49 I will punch you so fucking far across this whole goddamn fucking move.

Speaker 24 Is that Ricky Lake?

Speaker 5 It does. It does look like her.
That's amazing.

Speaker 24 It does.

Speaker 24 Look at that face you ended on again, too.

Speaker 2 Would you go down on her?

Speaker 5 Me? Yeah.

Speaker 24 No, as above, so below. She can't take care of her teeth.
I love that you're being so nice about it. Yeah.
I wouldn't touch her with a fucking broom.

Speaker 16 Well, why? Like, what?

Speaker 24 Look at her face right now. Yeah, I know.
Okay.

Speaker 24 What is she? Why is she talking about her tampon? Did someone threaten her?

Speaker 26 We were wondering, too.

Speaker 36 Somebody must have tugged at it and she decided to pull out her camera immediately.

Speaker 24 That's the only thing I worship.

Speaker 52 Sorry, that was the wrong thing.

Speaker 5 You know, what?

Speaker 24 Oh, my God. That is amazing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 33 But she was, she's very adamant.

Speaker 47 Don't pull on my fucking tampon.

Speaker 5 You've got to smoke it up.

Speaker 5 Tampon string.

Speaker 36 I think she's

Speaker 36 a private, by the way. Yeah.

Speaker 24 You're dying for her to eat box.

Speaker 5 Yeah, dying.

Speaker 24 Here's my problem. I think you would.
Jessica, it's not even a sexual. I think meat flaps are meat flaps.
I could get used to it. The emotions would make make me crazy being with a woman.

Speaker 24 It's not always like that. Here's the thing.
I barely process my own. I don't like, like right now, I'm avoiding a depression.
I know.

Speaker 5 I'm avoiding.

Speaker 24 Yeah. So do you have to talk about your feelings all the time? And she's, is she like, like, let's say Tom this morning, he can get out.
I'm going to the gym. Okay, bye now.
And it's not a thing.

Speaker 24 But I think if there's a woman, well, what did you leave? Are you upset with me? Did you, is there a thing? Are we in a thing? Are we mad? Are you mad at me? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Do you know what I mean? Like, our brains are always just like,

Speaker 5 it doesn't matter. Yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah. I get it.
Like you just need a lasagna and some head and a TV. Yeah.

Speaker 24 I think it is like that a lot, but it depends on who you're with because I've also been in relationships with women who are literally just black and white. Like,

Speaker 24 you know, you full.

Speaker 24 She just went, oh,

Speaker 24 emotionally unavailable.

Speaker 5 That's my

Speaker 5 women like that.

Speaker 23 Women like that?

Speaker 57 Yeah. And was that fun or no?

Speaker 24 For me, no, because I need to express myself. Yeah, you know.
And I'm into feelings and shit. I mean, my mother's a therapist.
So I'm. Jesus.
Yeah. I'm damaged.

Speaker 5 Bo, but of course. I'm damaged.
Look who's here.

Speaker 24 But do you, do you, you like to talk about your feelings? I don't like it, but if I don't, I'll, you know, hold on to it or whatever.

Speaker 24 And I, and I also, you know, I had a, like, a lot of emotional abuse growing up. You should play music right now.

Speaker 5 No, I'm you and I always say that.

Speaker 24 You and I always talk about this shit. So I'm like, sometimes I'm like, did I do something? Did I

Speaker 24 write that too? Yeah, I used to be like that with him.

Speaker 24 Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 5 You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 24 What made you stop doing that?

Speaker 24 Honestly, getting sick, like getting cancer. I spent a lot of time

Speaker 24 really just thinking about the nature of my life and going inside of my own stuff and

Speaker 24 being like, oh, this doesn't matter. This is silly why am i i shouldn't even be thinking about

Speaker 24 yeah is it this is this is an inside game yes it is you know yes so

Speaker 24 whatever this is that's his world this is my world i'm gonna deal with my world and i just forgave everybody and everything it's huge because you're like i what am i gonna do my mommy and daddy hated me they didn't love me enough what am i gonna fucking do i know what am i gonna do because they'll never change i know done deal and with tommy i love him he's he is who he is and i think the trouble in marriages and in relationships is when you want them to be something they're not because you didn't get it as a kid or whatever.

Speaker 24 And now you're forever tanking it out on that. You're doing that thing with that person.
I agree with you 100%.

Speaker 24 I think when you go through a trauma, like you went through, because I've dealt with that too,

Speaker 24 with my daughter, because, you know, my daughter has heart disease. So this is so upbeat.

Speaker 24 Don't worry. I'll show you pictures of her in the hospital.

Speaker 24 So, yeah, no, but once that happened, I was like, that's like, I'm so grateful and nothing else really ever matters. Yeah, you just go through that and you're just.

Speaker 24 It all fades away once you realize that this is finite. This is it.
Yeah. You get one chance at all this.
So what am I going to do? Don't touch me. Don't fucking.

Speaker 16 Just kidding. I love you.
Oh.

Speaker 24 I know. He's sweet.
See? I know. He's such a good person.

Speaker 5 He really is. Yeah.

Speaker 33 Well, when she was going through that, I had Invisalign.

Speaker 60 And it was also like, it was a big deal for me, too, because I hated when they applied it, but what was worse is when they took it off.

Speaker 54 And I feel like we were both going through something.

Speaker 5 Are you hearing?

Speaker 4 that? We both grew a lot in that.

Speaker 24 Yeah, we both changed and grew.

Speaker 5 We both changed.

Speaker 79 We both went through our own trauma.

Speaker 53 And I don't want to compare like who's wasting time.

Speaker 24 No, that was that's really bad. That's very painful.

Speaker 5 It sucks. Yes, I can only imagine.

Speaker 24 But yeah, suffering. Suffering really purifies and helps.
It really does. That's what that is.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 It's because it throws you into a situation where you're like, this could all end, or I could lose someone, or whatever it is. So, like, all this other shit doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 It really doesn't.

Speaker 78 Like, that's the only, I think the upside to like real traumatic things in your life.

Speaker 33 It literally does put things into perspective.

Speaker 37 It does.

Speaker 52 You know, and you stop caring about, you're like, I can't believe I was occupied with this nonsense.

Speaker 24 I know.

Speaker 24 I was at the comedy cellar once in New York and I was so burnt out and just had been on the road every weekend and just, ugh, like, and this, this guy was just looking at me like this in the front row.

Speaker 24 Like,

Speaker 24 and I go, sir, are you okay? And he's like, I just not having fun. I go, I lost it.
I go, why don't you go uptown to the children's hospital, a Columbia, and sit in the lobby? Exactly.

Speaker 24 You're at a comedy show. Like, I lost my mind.
I'm like, go sit there and look at all the children

Speaker 24 that are being wheeled around.

Speaker 86 And what'd he say? He went.

Speaker 5 He left. No.

Speaker 5 That was a good call, actually.

Speaker 24 He's like, I'd rather sit in a children's hospital than watch your dumb act.

Speaker 24 But don't you find, too, that like, I also think my sense of humor has gotten deeper and also

Speaker 24 way less fucks given about other people's sensitivities or whatever. You know, like the best room ever is an AA room to perform in because you're like, these schools are the best.

Speaker 24 I did it Friday night in Florida.

Speaker 5 They're the best.

Speaker 24 They've been there.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 54 The darker you go, the better. 100%.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I mean, they really, because they've been to hell and back.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 61 We got to find another one here.

Speaker 55 We did this LA AA show a bunch that was so goddamn fun.

Speaker 5 We got to find one here. I know.

Speaker 24 Yeah, you should just put it out there to the people. Look, look go on the street and just ask some homeless people

Speaker 5 you fucked up you got a lot of problems

Speaker 5 you want to laugh

Speaker 24 yeah i'll get you an ounce of cocaine if you have a show with me right now yeah that's funny i know and then i have so much i mean your daughter unfortunately i'm so sorry is going through it but don't you have so much respect for people that work

Speaker 24 in the that industry i don't i'm telling you right now yeah when people say to me oh you know it's such a hard it's the hardest thing you could ever do.

Speaker 24 I'm like, no, no, go like, cause my daughter has, she's nine and a half. She's had four open heart surgeries.

Speaker 24 Yeah. The first one was six days old.
So like we knew in utero she had to have open heart surgery. And

Speaker 24 then she's also had like a stent put in. It's a nightmare.
Yeah. And she needs more.
People are always like, oh, but she's okay, right? She's okay.

Speaker 5 And I'm like, no, she's, she's okay.

Speaker 24 She looks okay. She goes to school.
Thank God. And, but, you know, she has to have more.
So

Speaker 24 it's, it's not easy. No, it's not easy, but she's amazing.
And you just deal with it. Like, what are you going to do? Yeah.

Speaker 74 What the fuck are you going to do?

Speaker 24 But it's, can you imagine performing? Performing. Look, look where my brain is.

Speaker 24 Hey, how you doing, heart?

Speaker 24 Can you imagine operating on a six-day-old?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 24 Who are these people? The nurses, these animals.

Speaker 5 I don't know how they do it.

Speaker 24 I don't. I've seen the worst.
I mean, I have seen the worst things you could possibly see in the ICU for months at a time.

Speaker 24 There's nothing worse.

Speaker 5 No, nothing.

Speaker 25 And it also makes me think about the fact that I actually need more Invisalign.

Speaker 24 I know.

Speaker 79 It could be that I'm not done.

Speaker 24 Yeah. I think, well, I haven't shit in like three days.
So I'm feeling really backed up.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Do you have anything here?

Speaker 5 You guys must have. We definitely have.
What do you have?

Speaker 55 I mean, I'm sure we have some like fiber.

Speaker 5 Yeah, some fiber.

Speaker 24 But are you drinking Metamucil regularly, especially, you know, at our age?

Speaker 24 Well, I took shamshena last night. night.

Speaker 24 Look at that face.

Speaker 5 That's hospital.

Speaker 24 That made me think about not shitting.

Speaker 29 Do you know, you two ladies, being that you're both lesbians, need to get your

Speaker 21 vaginas ready to go?

Speaker 24 If you die, I'm not going to another guy.

Speaker 73 Vagina, and you're stuck in your mouth.

Speaker 73 Sexual organ, the vagina, and uterus, and your mouth.

Speaker 5 Fuck off.

Speaker 24 I hate it. I hate them so much.

Speaker 87 Now, your face gets tightened, you cannot sat down.

Speaker 73 Because this muscle and this muscle are very connecting together.

Speaker 5 No, they're not connecting together.

Speaker 73 And you have this pivot floor tightening. Pivic floor.
You don't get old. And your vagina is tight.

Speaker 73 And you enjoy life, enjoy sex life with your husband. And the husband enjoy your vagina.

Speaker 56 There you go. All right.

Speaker 5 I literally just thought about when I was sexual.

Speaker 24 I swear on my life, I just had a flashback of when I was sexually.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I'm not kidding. You think I'm joking?

Speaker 1 Do you guys want to practice real quick?

Speaker 82 That was really good.

Speaker 24 You have to connect your vagina to your

Speaker 24 button.

Speaker 5 What the fuck?

Speaker 24 This guy is the literal something. He's disgusted.
Who is this? I hate it.

Speaker 44 He is

Speaker 53 Mantak Chia.

Speaker 22 He's like one of the,

Speaker 2 probably the leading Taoist

Speaker 5 sex teacher in the world.

Speaker 24 But just he, so

Speaker 24 he mostly tells men to like rub their they need to sharpen their swords.

Speaker 5 So he says that's

Speaker 5 him talking about

Speaker 5 rub, rub, rub, rubber, rub 50, 50 times this way, 50 times this way, 50 times this way.

Speaker 24 Oh my god, every day. Seriously, I have to go on more medication.
I'm so freaked out.

Speaker 24 Play it again.

Speaker 4 Oh my god.

Speaker 33 Do you realize that the worst thing that this guy has probably, he doesn't even know has ever happened is that somebody watched his video and goes, this reminded me of when I was assaulted.

Speaker 5 I know. I'm serious.

Speaker 5 Were you assaulted by a Chinese man?

Speaker 24 If I was assaulted by a Chinese man, I couldn't even watch this. No.

Speaker 24 No, he was Japanese. But the thing is,

Speaker 24 well, I'll never eat sushi again.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Because it involves sushi, who was really aggressive.

Speaker 24 Put a whole roll in it one time.

Speaker 24 Anyway, I just wish it wasn't crunchy.

Speaker 24 That was so stupid what I just said. Will you fucking kill me?

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 24 Isn't it crazy how much we need to be liked? Yeah.

Speaker 33 Yeah, it's the it's the baseline thing that I think ties all comedians together.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Like

Speaker 57 at the simplest base level, it is a need for, hey, will you please like me?

Speaker 24 I know. That's the name of my production company, Please Like Me Production.

Speaker 5 For real? I swear I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 54 I told somebody this because I did a podcast and we were talking all about why people, I go, look.

Speaker 1 All comics will say different things and different backgrounds.

Speaker 20 I go, at their core, all of us are going, please like me.

Speaker 52 Of course.

Speaker 24 Yeah, please like me. That's all we need.
And then no matter how much, you know what I've said.

Speaker 24 When they clap, stand up, standing, I'm like, it'll never fill the hole.

Speaker 5 Sit down.

Speaker 24 Like, it's not going to do anything. Yeah.

Speaker 24 That's the part where I'm at now where, like, if I'll do stand-up and I'll feel really good about myself after, and then I'll be like, yeah, but I'm going to be depressed tomorrow.

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 5 Just fucking don't really.

Speaker 24 It's not real. No, you have to do it from inside.

Speaker 24 You have to do the work, which I'm not willing to do.

Speaker 5 I'm so tired.

Speaker 18 Yeah, the work is too much, man.

Speaker 5 It really is. It's too much.

Speaker 24 It's a lot. It's never ending.
No, I know. There's no no end to therapy.
There's no end.

Speaker 5 Fuck. I know.
So what do we do, dude?

Speaker 24 It's just maintain until we die?

Speaker 24 I think you just try to stay alive. I mean, that's how I am right now.

Speaker 5 Like, I just try to stay alive.

Speaker 24 Yeah, just try to just get out of bed in the morning.

Speaker 24 And

Speaker 24 hold on, sorry. But

Speaker 24 also,

Speaker 5 just look as good as you can.

Speaker 24 Can you put that hand down? Because I'm Jewish. Do you remember that?

Speaker 5 She was sharing her heart. I was sharing her heart.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 5 She was like, my heart goes out to you. Oh,

Speaker 24 but also, I was raising raising my hand, you fucking Jewish. No, I was raising my fucking hand.

Speaker 5 I do hate you.

Speaker 24 No, it was. I have a question.

Speaker 5 I had a question.

Speaker 24 It was an adamant. I do not hate the Jews.

Speaker 5 I have a question.

Speaker 24 I thought you said, get on the train. I didn't know what you had said when you did that.

Speaker 50 Are you leaving yet?

Speaker 20 I have a question.

Speaker 24 Your special was amazing.

Speaker 24 Go ahead. Yeah, but I'm saying, too, don't you think, and I learned this two hands because she felt self-conscious.
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 24 That I felt when I was sick, I would put on makeup every, before I went down for every fucking surgery, I had three, I would go full hair and makeup.

Speaker 24 Because when I woke up, yes, I wanted to be like, what? Like, I wanted to be cute. And now that I'm getting older and losing my looks, I see how important it is to look your fucking best.

Speaker 24 And I'm not saying, you know, you have to do surgeries, but just present yourself with a fucking thing of dignity in the world. Have dignity and pride in your looks.
I think that's really great.

Speaker 24 And it's important for your relationship, too.

Speaker 12 It is.

Speaker 24 It really is. Because

Speaker 24 I know sometimes when someone's partner, whether it's a man or a woman, just lets it all go and just fucking, you know, it's difficult for the other person.

Speaker 24 It's not who they were with originally.

Speaker 44 What happened when people are like, meet, see somebody and they haven't seen in a while.

Speaker 69 They're like, what happened?

Speaker 5 The most horrible thing.

Speaker 24 Yeah, not even like they don't look great. What happened?

Speaker 1 Did you go through something really terrible?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 No, I've just been living life.

Speaker 18 They're like, oh.

Speaker 24 Even just like emotionally, when one person stops growing or becoming curious about the world, or I just, I know someone who just divorced and they're in their 70s.

Speaker 24 And she's like, yeah, I wanted to travel and do things. And he just wants to stay home all the time.

Speaker 5 Yeah. That's rough, though.

Speaker 62 That's fucking really rough. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To be in your 70s. I agree.

Speaker 24 It's really.

Speaker 22 And the person would be like, well, I'm just, you know, I feel I want to see shit.

Speaker 1 And the other person's like, I just, I'm old.

Speaker 5 I want to stay here. I know.
They just

Speaker 5 right.

Speaker 24 But I think, honestly, some people might look at it like,

Speaker 24 I'm going to pass soon. Like, and I better just go out and do my own thing.
And

Speaker 24 yeah, it's crazy. That would be horrible, though.

Speaker 5 Horrible.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I know. Because who are you picking up in your last decade?

Speaker 24 Depends how much money you have out there. That's nice.

Speaker 57 Shout out to Bill Belichick.

Speaker 81 He just got engaged.

Speaker 24 I just thought about it.

Speaker 54 He just got engaged.

Speaker 6 They were dating, but now it's right.

Speaker 1 It's official. Can you?

Speaker 12 Well, let's see.

Speaker 24 What's he going to wear?

Speaker 80 A coffin?

Speaker 36 I'm so happy for them.

Speaker 65 It's a beautiful coffin. Me too.

Speaker 16 They are tying the knot.

Speaker 32 Very, very excited.

Speaker 5 He is

Speaker 59 locking it down.

Speaker 19 Way to go, Bill.

Speaker 24 Where's our guy with the hair?

Speaker 1 He's 24. He's 73.

Speaker 24 Oh, that's beautiful. That's not that much of a gap.

Speaker 25 That's a good age gap.

Speaker 24 It's just my lifetime.

Speaker 24 Does he even have a penis?

Speaker 75 Oh, yeah, I was going to say, let's see them.

Speaker 5 Scroll down there.

Speaker 5 I get it.

Speaker 24 He's hot.

Speaker 23 The cool thing is, there was also reports that since they started dating, her real estate portfolio has grown by $8 million.

Speaker 23 That's pretty cool.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 That's so weird.

Speaker 55 He's like, what do you want to get? She's like, I want a house.

Speaker 24 Smart bitch.

Speaker 7 A lot of house. I want another house.

Speaker 5 Smart.

Speaker 24 In terms of bitches, that's how you do it. Yeah.
Don't ask for hats. I love soccer.

Speaker 5 That's so cool. And also our haircut guy, the orange haircut guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 He got a new girlfriend, too.

Speaker 22 Oh, you're talking about

Speaker 17 Yeah, Mark Babus, yeah, oh, this guy, yeah, yeah, he got.

Speaker 24 Oh, my God, they have the same lips.

Speaker 54 Look at the far right picture.

Speaker 5 Can we discuss

Speaker 5 for a second?

Speaker 24 Oh, my God, that's a cool haircut.

Speaker 5 Did you see this man?

Speaker 1 He owns the Raiders.

Speaker 24 Can you blow up that face?

Speaker 24 I'm in the mood for pancakes.

Speaker 24 But the haircut accentuates the face do you understand what's happening

Speaker 24 this guy's happy and he's just out living his life so just cut he insists on going out of his way to the barber that gives him this haircut every time so he drives something like 500 miles every time he drives away he drives and he drives a minivan and he drives it round trip like a few hours to get his haircut to get it this way and he likes it and she claims i read she claims that she didn't know who he was you know what i love about that though about the met about the haircut is that it just speaks to like he's definitely mentally ill.

Speaker 71 Oh, you know what I mean?

Speaker 24 He's beyond, he's a killer.

Speaker 24 That's a killer. That's not like

Speaker 33 back out of that, back out one and go to the second row, third.

Speaker 24 I knew that was the one you were going to be.

Speaker 5 Exactly.

Speaker 24 Holy shit.

Speaker 33 How he looks when he fucking kills.

Speaker 86 That is exactly.

Speaker 36 When he sees life leave someone's eyes, that's the expression you see.

Speaker 56 He's like, She's dead.

Speaker 24 I'm so sorry to hear about the funeral.

Speaker 57 He's also one of these guys, by the way.

Speaker 36 I've met him, and he was a super nice guy.

Speaker 3 I bet.

Speaker 1 And one of these former players was like, Yeah, you know, Mark's one of these guys where people always talk about his haircut.

Speaker 27 And the minute people would stop talking about his haircut, he probably wouldn't get his haircut like that.

Speaker 53 But he's just like, well, fuck y'all if you're going to talk about my haircut.

Speaker 6 I'm like, that is the dumbest reasoning you could have for

Speaker 5 keeping this haircut.

Speaker 7 It's like, oh, you're going to keep talking about it?

Speaker 24 Well, yeah, it looks like a toupee, it does, yeah.

Speaker 5 It's not, no, no, that's his real hair.

Speaker 24 Yeah, you're right, he's got hair, it's such a waste of time. You know what's amazing? I just want to say this because it says a lot.

Speaker 24 He probably had a good child, he loves himself, yeah, he does see himself. No matter what, it's amazing to me.
It depends on how you were brought up. I know, it really does.

Speaker 24 I'm like, so I constantly tell my kids how beautiful they are because I want them to

Speaker 5 feel good about themselves.

Speaker 69 It's huge.

Speaker 22 Do you think that what I'm going to show you here is funny or not?

Speaker 37 Horrible or hilarious?

Speaker 16 Here we go.

Speaker 5 We got our answer.

Speaker 43 That scream was like, it was the Tarzan scream.

Speaker 24 It was.

Speaker 2 He did a full Tarzan.

Speaker 24 That scream is the craziest thing I've ever.

Speaker 52 It's totally insane.

Speaker 24 Okay, first of all.

Speaker 5 Look at you.

Speaker 24 Oh, my God. Now it's so! Now it's traumatized.
See, that's what happened?

Speaker 24 That can't be the real scream.

Speaker 1 That's what's on here.

Speaker 5 It can't be. I know.
It has an echo on it.

Speaker 52 That feels fake.

Speaker 24 Okay, first of all, in the beginning, it was funny. Yeah.
Because I always laugh when people fall.

Speaker 24 Not crash, but into each other, whatever. Now it's unbelievably traumatizing.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 The same thing.

Speaker 24 So thanks a lot. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24 What do you think?

Speaker 33 I mean, I love people falling.

Speaker 24 That's not falling, though. That's an extreme act, like collision.

Speaker 27 Yeah, I enjoy it because I don't, like,

Speaker 5 if it was gory, then I'd be like, oof, like, if you see something.

Speaker 6 But the fact that you don't see much and you hear a funny scream, that always makes me laugh.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Did anyone die?

Speaker 26 I don't think so.

Speaker 53 I mean, we could still, we could hope.

Speaker 5 I didn't like it. You didn't like it.

Speaker 24 Just for the record, you and Jessica are both mentally ill, so it's a little bit laugh.

Speaker 5 I mean,

Speaker 5 yeah.

Speaker 61 What's going on here?

Speaker 5 What is that?

Speaker 24 Was that a person? Yeah.

Speaker 24 That's not great.

Speaker 5 A person

Speaker 5 out of a car that was clearly going really fast.

Speaker 79 And then they get thrown against this truck.

Speaker 24 I hope they didn't break their arm.

Speaker 5 But here's the thing: here's the update: they're okay. No, they're not.
No, they're not.

Speaker 24 That person lost their head.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, that was real.

Speaker 24 That scared the shit out of me.

Speaker 6 It's unconfirmed, but there is a possibility that he didn't make it.

Speaker 1 he was thrown against a truck at a hundred miles an hour and it it might be that he didn't make it oh my god I can't handle you

Speaker 24 holy shoot it looks like a goat being thrown against

Speaker 24 that's not even a human

Speaker 24 i mean it did look like a goat it did

Speaker 5 it

Speaker 24 Yeah, I'm surprised.

Speaker 24 Can you imagine if we heard that?

Speaker 24 That's really good. Thanks.
I've been practicing for like 20 years. I'm not even lying.

Speaker 5 Can you do it?

Speaker 24 You gotta do that, right? You have to do the full weight. I've literally been practicing since the 90s, okay?

Speaker 24 That's good, right?

Speaker 5 You're welcome.

Speaker 24 That was amazing. Thank you.
I cannot believe that video you just showed me.

Speaker 36 Yeah, that was crazy.

Speaker 24 That was traumatizing.

Speaker 24 Are you kidding? I'm so used to it, though. This is, babe, it's Tuesday.

Speaker 5 This is my movie.

Speaker 24 Yeah. This is my life, bro.

Speaker 32 It is true.

Speaker 53 She usually hears, she knows that if I'm in a good mood by the types of screaming she hears on my phone.

Speaker 79 Maybe if I'm late, she's like, oh, you're happy.

Speaker 29 You're listening to like black people yell.

Speaker 24 Oh, maybe you can answer me listen.

Speaker 24 My husband only falls asleep to genocide, homicide, kidnapping, terrorism. Are lesbians the same way? Do you think that's just unique to men? No, it's not unique.
I can't do it, but

Speaker 24 yeah, my ex would watch like horrible, you know,

Speaker 24 shows. Always.
Like police shows.

Speaker 42 La la la.

Speaker 53 You're going to bed now with like homicide, genocide.

Speaker 57 Are you all relaxed now, ready to close your eyes?

Speaker 5 I know.

Speaker 24 It's not, excuse me. It's not a just a guy thing.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 24 Yeah, it's a dyke thing.

Speaker 75 Check this out. This is cool.

Speaker 24 Oh my God, is he going to fuck that thing?

Speaker 24 Just warn me, because that's that's worse than no, really?

Speaker 5 That's what I think too. That's what I thought when I saw it.

Speaker 78 I like that one.

Speaker 24 This is what it's like to fuck Mark Davis.

Speaker 5 You're that 24-year-old girl.

Speaker 84 If you are 24 and you fucking.

Speaker 24 It sounds like an old Jewish one.

Speaker 24 Aye, aye, aye.

Speaker 5 You should expect those things.

Speaker 24 That camel looks like it's gone through fucking hell.

Speaker 24 Like it was thrown into a car. Like, that camel looks like it's literally a baby.

Speaker 33 And it sounds like it's like the 10th person to stop him where he's like, I can't, not anymore.

Speaker 5 Like, huh.

Speaker 5 Like, he's just, yeah.

Speaker 84 Like, he's just been climbing up.

Speaker 24 Look at that guy's face. Yeah.

Speaker 82 He's like, this is going to feel good.

Speaker 24 He's like, wait till I get my dick.

Speaker 24 They're fucking the shit out of that camel.

Speaker 24 Oh, my God. That's so horrible.
They feel good. Well, you know why? I'm not going to say it out loud.

Speaker 24 Are you kidding me after what we've been saying? Standing. That is the perfect level.

Speaker 24 for a little person.

Speaker 5 Fuck camel. Do you know what I mean? Fun camel, a family.

Speaker 57 That size camel.

Speaker 24 It's like the perfect size for

Speaker 5 what these guys are doing. The moment go down.

Speaker 33 Is he standing up earlier?

Speaker 58 Like if you go.

Speaker 5 Oh, there he is. Oh, look.

Speaker 5 See?

Speaker 20 Yeah. He's at the perfect height.

Speaker 24 He's standing right behind it. It looks like, yeah.

Speaker 24 That's what these guys do. Oh.
I've been there. I've been to this country.

Speaker 24 What country is this? Isn't this Seattle?

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 31 This is downtown.

Speaker 16 Atlanta.

Speaker 24 Oh, my God. Look.

Speaker 4 You watch these videos and keep it.

Speaker 24 He's choking it while he's fucking it.

Speaker 36 We cannot coexist.

Speaker 5 We cannot live with you.

Speaker 1 We are different.

Speaker 17 That should be a fucking diplomatic speech that the Secretary of State gives when he gets there.

Speaker 1 We are different.

Speaker 2 We will not be like you.

Speaker 69 Thank you very much.

Speaker 24 We will never be the same.

Speaker 5 Oh, God.

Speaker 5 That's the truth.

Speaker 5 Fuck!

Speaker 5 Oh, God damn.

Speaker 5 God damn!

Speaker 5 God damn, master!

Speaker 24 Master! Master! God, Jimmy Walker looks horrible.

Speaker 5 He shrunk.

Speaker 54 That's a I show speed.

Speaker 30 That's like a huge, huge Twitch streamer YouTuber.

Speaker 33 I guess he's

Speaker 22 trying to learn a little bit about the Shaolin monk lifestyle.

Speaker 24 You're supposed to be quiet.

Speaker 33 Yeah, you're definitely not supposed to go, God damn, master, for sure.

Speaker 5 You're not supposed to.

Speaker 5 God damn, master.

Speaker 33 Well, I'm glad it was an Asian guy.

Speaker 24 Yeah, seriously. Oh my God.

Speaker 5 If it were a white guy.

Speaker 45 If it was a white guy, and he's just like, God damn,

Speaker 5 master.

Speaker 24 He says it so funny.

Speaker 5 Master. Master.
Master. He hit the fuck out of his shoulder.

Speaker 24 But what did he expect it to feel like?

Speaker 24 I'm shocked.

Speaker 40 I thought they were probably like, oh, this is like, I'm new, you know, it's training.

Speaker 24 Master.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Me and my girl here. I love the guy just holding him.
Like,

Speaker 24 what is that?

Speaker 24 It's okay. Everyone feels like this.
It's okay.

Speaker 24 I hold you.

Speaker 5 No hurt. No hurt so bad.

Speaker 66 No hurt bad.

Speaker 5 You're talking.

Speaker 24 That is what that guy said. He's trying to talk him out of his feelings.

Speaker 5 You're okay. You good?

Speaker 24 No, this is not too bad.

Speaker 5 They're not too bad.

Speaker 24 It's your first time.

Speaker 5 That's okay. Oh, it's okay.
I hold you.

Speaker 5 He hit the fuck out of the shoulder.

Speaker 5 Look at how smile. Look at that guy.
He's smiling in the back. He's like, yeah.

Speaker 65 He's like, I love a hit at black.

Speaker 30 And they make a noise.

Speaker 5 I hit a black with a stick.

Speaker 24 I want to hit black for years.

Speaker 27 Always dancing and loud, and now I hit them.

Speaker 24 I wish I could play basketball like him.

Speaker 24 Oh!

Speaker 24 God.

Speaker 24 Oh,

Speaker 24 ah.

Speaker 24 That one was intense.

Speaker 5 Yeah, right?

Speaker 24 The third one you just did.

Speaker 24 I gotta take a piss.

Speaker 5 You gotta piss?

Speaker 5 I gotta piss.

Speaker 24 Okay. I'm drinking a lot of water.

Speaker 38 Go piss, man. I got a piss.

Speaker 5 Hurry up. Hurry up.

Speaker 24 Don't pull out my tampon stream.

Speaker 53 You're going to the tampon place right now.

Speaker 51 Don't pull out my tampon stream.

Speaker 24 What a bitch.

Speaker 56 Such a bitch.

Speaker 53 So, are you on tour? You're on tour right now?

Speaker 24 Yeah, I'm like you. I'm always on tour.

Speaker 44 The never ends. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah. It's really.

Speaker 24 When I'm, I'm a little freaked out about the summer because, like, I'm taking it down, dude.

Speaker 24 You are? Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Speaker 24 But it's like, then I get get itchy of course i know yeah the first couple weeks you're like this is great and then you're like wait what am i doing i know i'm not working yeah my life is over my career is ending yeah always i know what how long are you when are you stopping your tour so

Speaker 25 basically

Speaker 24 uh after this weekend oh yeah i'm done i have one gig in june yeah and then my next gig after that's august 28th wow yeah i have i'm doing more than that just because i just need to keep working and stuff.

Speaker 24 But I, where are you this weekend?

Speaker 38 Where am I? I don't even know.

Speaker 5 That's how I am. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 24 I don't even know where I am right now.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 62 I barely do.

Speaker 23 I barely do.

Speaker 24 And I, I don't know how you do it.

Speaker 24 When people say that to me, I'm like, whatever. But you really work fucking hard.

Speaker 84 It's been

Speaker 5 a couple of years.

Speaker 30 Yeah. A few years of just

Speaker 52 grinding it out.

Speaker 33 We did some gigs together that was super fun.

Speaker 24 Oh, my God. I love that.
Half of them got rained out. which was the best.
Amazing. Yeah.
There were like six and we did three or something like that.

Speaker 25 It's amazing.

Speaker 5 And then they're like, Yeah, you're getting paid, but yeah, there's no show.

Speaker 24 So sorry.

Speaker 30 Can we set up more of these?

Speaker 33 Could you set up more gigs where we don't have to do them?

Speaker 24 Yeah, you said to our agent, Can you just always get us booked in Canada during this season when it rains?

Speaker 79 Yeah, you do outdoor-only tours for me, yeah,

Speaker 34 in like perilous weather places.

Speaker 5 That would be awesome.

Speaker 1 Antarctica, yeah, just fully insure it.

Speaker 5 But yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24 that was more shocking than the guy flying into the. I'm serious.
That shocked me what just happened.

Speaker 1 Also, can you just process

Speaker 58 the level of disrespect?

Speaker 7 Honestly, to the two of us.

Speaker 24 Yeah, because it was, first of all, let's talk about it. It was planned.

Speaker 86 Yeah, she held it.

Speaker 24 It was very aggressive. No, you knew it was coming and you waited to sit down.
Just be honest.

Speaker 5 And it was

Speaker 24 that was not just one. Yeah.
But she gave it extra expression.

Speaker 5 There were tears to it. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Like the second one was.

Speaker 24 You guys get to be a lesbian.

Speaker 24 You're more so get to be a lesbian now that you just blew it out your ass.

Speaker 15 It's so disgusting.

Speaker 75 You're so vile.

Speaker 24 And it's, you know, what's you're going to die laughing. It was two, right? Yeah.
I have an obsession with the number three, and I swear on my life, it's killing me that she didn't do a third.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh, she can.

Speaker 24 Can you just do one more? You think I'm joking? It'll make me.

Speaker 24 you have to. Just wait, just wait.
Does it have to have a time limit on it? No, just before I leave, or I'm going to have a horrible day.

Speaker 77 Oh, there'll be 30 more before you leave.

Speaker 24 You have them in the chamber, too.

Speaker 5 No, I don't.

Speaker 24 Can he finish this sequence?

Speaker 5 It doesn't matter. I just need to have someone else.

Speaker 24 Do any of you guys have to fart?

Speaker 24 Fortunately not. My manager, Adam's here.

Speaker 5 Adam, do you have to fart?

Speaker 5 I wish I could.

Speaker 24 I'll work on it for you, babe.

Speaker 38 You're unbelievable, dude.

Speaker 24 I haven't farted on this show in in so long. We used to have a fart.
It was a lot. Yeah, I've heard a lot of fart on, but it was

Speaker 24 like it was.

Speaker 24 Is that my daughter's dance recital?

Speaker 5 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 24 Can I tell you something too, Jess?

Speaker 5 It's just a testament to how comfortable I knew you were going to say I love you so much.

Speaker 24 How much I love you. I would never do this for another guest.
There's no love.

Speaker 5 Ever, no one be honest with me.

Speaker 24 No, just you be. I know I love you so much.

Speaker 5 I thought that.

Speaker 24 I knew you would like it. I thought that when you did it.
I'm like, she loves me.

Speaker 62 I don't ever have that thought.

Speaker 5 Why don't you, Beef?

Speaker 24 Let's have some roast beef from you.

Speaker 5 I don't have anything.

Speaker 75 I wouldn't do that to Jessica.

Speaker 24 Yes, you would.

Speaker 61 Okay, I would. I don't have one.

Speaker 24 You've probably done it in an elevator to like joke around with me or something.

Speaker 5 Probably. Yeah.

Speaker 24 Kill me. The both of you kill me.

Speaker 40 You want to show Jess some of these cool videos that you put in here?

Speaker 24 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 75 Okay, Jess.

Speaker 5 Christina

Speaker 53 curated some of these.

Speaker 52 These are from her collection. Yeah.

Speaker 24 Tomorrow I'm getting permanently sterilized by having my fallopian tubes removed.

Speaker 24 So I decided to throw a little celebration for that and to celebrate the fact that I've made the choice to not have kids.

Speaker 24 Women tend to only be celebrated when they get engaged, get married, or have a baby, and it's rare to see them celebrated as individuals for their accomplishments outside of the family.

Speaker 24 So it was really important to me to make sure that I dedicated time and space to celebrate myself and this life-changing decision that I'm making. And I'm so excited about it.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 68 Can I tell you that this type of chick, I feel like, only evolved in the last 10 years.

Speaker 5 I think you have not even

Speaker 24 five years, don't you?

Speaker 1 The one who goes, it's time to celebrate that

Speaker 6 I'm not getting married, and then they'll throw a party.

Speaker 24 Or even worse, I'm marrying myself.

Speaker 5 Remember that? Oh, my God.

Speaker 24 Yeah. This is what stupid bitches are doing because they can't meet life's criterion, and then they celebrate their failure.

Speaker 84 And then this chick is like, I'm not having babies.

Speaker 59 That's amazing.

Speaker 30 I'm not having babies.

Speaker 81 So here's a cake I got to sell.

Speaker 75 Like, you can't just not have babies.

Speaker 24 I know. I really, well, I mean, anyone who would make fun of this would, she tapped her stomach.

Speaker 24 What's in there?

Speaker 5 Well, there's a lot of fun.

Speaker 24 Well, I'm saying she's getting tubes removed, not the baby.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I mean, I'm not making fun of her.

Speaker 5 I'm disgusting.

Speaker 24 I am. I think that, look,

Speaker 24 look, lots of people choose not to have children, but to make a thing out of it seems a little mentally ill, right?

Speaker 24 Yeah, this kind of stuff is, is, I have to say, is mentally ill to me.

Speaker 5 Like, look, if I were to be like,

Speaker 24 it's not happy it's like she's about to kill someone there's a lot of in my opinion there's a lot of anger behind it well that's a totally manufactured smile right like that's not that's not a genuine she hates her mommy and daddy because that would be like me being like I'm so happy I got a mastectomy a double mastectomy I'm celebrating my double mastectomy it's like nobody really wants yeah I I I agree maybe it's not a good analogy because she voluntarily I don't know we don't know we don't know her story maybe she has problems physical problems well that's different but I think her announcing to people, it's like very much like, don't tell me what to fucking do.

Speaker 24 Don't tell me if I should have a baby or not.

Speaker 24 It's my own body. I can just, you know,

Speaker 5 like, I think it's great whatever she decides to do.

Speaker 21 It's a very kind of passive-aggressive video.

Speaker 39 Yeah, that's what I feel.

Speaker 5 Don't fucking tell her.

Speaker 24 You know why? You know why? Because of her fucking, her sister, Debbie.

Speaker 24 And Debbie's got five kids, and everybody pays attention to Debbie.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 61 And her parents are always like, why can't you be more like Debbie? Debbie.

Speaker 24 Deb. That's why.

Speaker 5 And now she's like,

Speaker 66 five, you have none. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah. What are you doing?

Speaker 24 Well, the turning around, this twirling around, the cake, the whole thing, it's really extreme. The twirl.

Speaker 24 I've never twirled.

Speaker 5 I never twirled in my life. Come on.
Come on.

Speaker 12 Twirl.

Speaker 24 Twirl. Can you imagine twirling if you have to feel in the world?

Speaker 5 I'm in my hotel.

Speaker 24 I know him.

Speaker 24 Wait a second. Hold on, hold on.
Jessica.

Speaker 87 Totally nude.

Speaker 5 Jessica, wait.

Speaker 24 Oh, thank you so much. There you go.
I really feel better.

Speaker 5 Got it.

Speaker 24 Because I have to do everything. Like, if I take toilet paper, it's three

Speaker 24 at a time. I'm not kidding.
I have to my alarm on my phone,

Speaker 24 my car three times. Yeah, I have a problem.

Speaker 5 Oh, well, that's like a real ACD.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah. So if she didn't fart a third time, you know, this guy, you said

Speaker 24 just keep going. He might be a comedian.
No.

Speaker 16 No.

Speaker 87 I'm in my hotel.

Speaker 87 Totally nude.

Speaker 24 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 5 That's cool.

Speaker 87 On a serious issue.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 87 It is always

Speaker 5 historically

Speaker 87 the situation where

Speaker 87 young generation view

Speaker 87 generation as out of touch.

Speaker 62 Right.

Speaker 24 The mouth thing is.

Speaker 87 a lot of things are changing.

Speaker 5 Like you're close. All over the world.

Speaker 5 All over the world.

Speaker 14 All over the world.

Speaker 5 That's smart.

Speaker 24 Oh, my God, something's wrong. I'm not kidding.

Speaker 24 I feel like there's smoked salmon in his teeth.

Speaker 24 It's even worse.

Speaker 5 Texting.

Speaker 24 Like he just had a bagel with onion and nova.

Speaker 66 What is going on with this fucking guy?

Speaker 5 For real.

Speaker 5 Stop touching yourself, bro.

Speaker 5 I like the touch.

Speaker 87 Somehow, having a conversation.

Speaker 64 Conversation.

Speaker 24 Watch.

Speaker 87 You remember that word?

Speaker 24 I think he's a comedian. I

Speaker 24 swear. Barry.
That's a definitely nice. Yeah, his name.

Speaker 5 What? His name's Barry.

Speaker 30 Barry Ribbs? Yes.

Speaker 22 Yeah, you nailed it. Oh, my God.

Speaker 24 You guys thought I was. I'm sorry, I just freaked out, but I cannot.

Speaker 24 Now I feel sexual.

Speaker 24 From Barry. I love that we both.
And you know him.

Speaker 33 I do.

Speaker 33 You've probably been at a show with him.

Speaker 24 He's a really nice guy, but I don't even know what he just said. I'm not kidding.
I have, I'm really not saying this to be funny. I have no idea what he just said.

Speaker 24 Oh, yeah, there he is. Why is that woman the first picture?

Speaker 5 The hottie?

Speaker 17 That's his cool.

Speaker 53 He's just like, she's my Bella chick.

Speaker 5 Get it?

Speaker 24 Bella chick. Yeah, that's hilarious.
Yeah.

Speaker 33 Okay. She seems like a cool chick.

Speaker 5 Is this your opener? This is the guy you're bringing with you?

Speaker 24 This is my agent.

Speaker 1 What's Barry doing here?

Speaker 56 The Diddy Collection.

Speaker 59 He's doing real cool guy stuff.

Speaker 5 Wait a second.

Speaker 24 This is wild that you knew that.

Speaker 24 I swear I'm like.

Speaker 1 There's a theme here.

Speaker 24 There's probably a picture with me somewhere.

Speaker 5 Oh, no.

Speaker 24 Is that me kissing him?

Speaker 54 There's some big titted broads on his feet.

Speaker 24 I thought that this was just... I had no idea that this was his feet.
I'm so

Speaker 24 excited. Can I tell you something? In all the years we've been doing these, this has never happened.
Where a guest goes, I know that guy.

Speaker 5 Never,

Speaker 5 never.

Speaker 24 If I'm on this, you guys are going to die because he's a huge fan of mine.

Speaker 5 Really? Huge.

Speaker 24 He texted me last week.

Speaker 5 Oh, gave him your number?

Speaker 24 I've known him for years.

Speaker 24 Wait, was that my ass?

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 24 He has done some of my

Speaker 24 stuff and tagged me and been done silly.

Speaker 24 If you look at always be silly on somehow on his thing, it's my tag and he's doing something I've done.

Speaker 5 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 70 Go to one of his speaking ones where he's.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 61 What's he doing here?

Speaker 87 Powers that be,

Speaker 87 and that could run the gamut.

Speaker 17 Let's say cleaning his teeth again.

Speaker 12 Politician.

Speaker 5 Okay. My god, his mouth looks like a heart.

Speaker 24 All right. The smoked salmon, everything bagel, smoked salmon.
Yeah, with onion. It has to have red onion.
A lot of it. A lot of it.

Speaker 24 He loves red onion. Trust me.

Speaker 5 Money

Speaker 63 in my pocket.

Speaker 24 I hope he doesn't kill me now.

Speaker 87 Orgasmic.

Speaker 5 I'm speechless.

Speaker 24 We gotta cut this out. I don't want you to get murdered.

Speaker 63 Jessica Curson said, I'm silly.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 24 This has never happened in the history of YMH.

Speaker 82 What did he say?

Speaker 24 Jessica Curson said, do you understand how fucking crazy this is that you guys played his video

Speaker 24 and you just clicked on one video?

Speaker 50 What is he saying?

Speaker 5 Jessica's what? My tagline.

Speaker 24 This is so fucking crazy.

Speaker 5 My tagline

Speaker 24 for 20 years has been always be silly. Always has been that.
So he does videos sometimes and says.

Speaker 33 Well, I'll tell you what, I like this Barry guy.

Speaker 24 Yep, he's on to something.

Speaker 44 He's got something going on.

Speaker 24 This is wild.

Speaker 5 And of course, this is so funny that you're like, I know that guy.

Speaker 24 And he fucking shouts you out a lot in a video. Yeah.

Speaker 5 He's taking chances.

Speaker 24 He'll just come to shit. Like he came to the stress factory the last time I was there.
This was years ago and just watches me and says, you're great. Like he hasn't been.

Speaker 25 You say women aren't funny?

Speaker 30 Wouldn't it make you feel small, et cetera?

Speaker 79 Jessica Kirsten is all over America, especially Pizza College.

Speaker 5 That's very sweet. That's very sweet.

Speaker 24 And he's right. Yeah.
I mean, he's very supportive. Yeah.
Wow, that was fucking surreal.

Speaker 5 That was pretty awesome. That was a switch.

Speaker 24 That was crazy. I mean, I don't know how you play it on here, but that was.

Speaker 79 We're going to

Speaker 23 hopefully get more videos

Speaker 24 I won't show up, I to show up.

Speaker 5 I want to show up.

Speaker 36 Does that arouse you at all?

Speaker 54 Like, would you like a partner that did this?

Speaker 24 Was this right before a school shooting?

Speaker 24 Okay. Yeah.
That is so, that might be one of the top most disturbing ones.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 24 How do you feel about it? Oh, I love it. This stuff gets me.

Speaker 24 It's like energy. What is this for, though?

Speaker 24 this, so there's this thing called Little Space where mentally ill gen Zers are like, I need to get into my little space.

Speaker 24 So he's taking a break from his day job and going into his car to get into his little space. It's so stupid.

Speaker 5 I want my

Speaker 5 Baba.

Speaker 24 I want my Baba. This generation is so fucking doomed.
These guys are.

Speaker 24 I really, yeah.

Speaker 59 I change my diet.

Speaker 5 I make a boom boom. Hold on.

Speaker 24 We have to check in with Annie. How do you feel, Ennie, right now?

Speaker 71 This, I mean, that doesn't, I mean, he should probably get beat up or something.

Speaker 71 But it doesn't bug me, though. It's whatever.

Speaker 5 He should probably get beat up.

Speaker 24 But this doesn't affect you the way

Speaker 24 male black homosexuality.

Speaker 71 Nah, there's no cop in his mouth. So

Speaker 5 there's no black dicks.

Speaker 24 Well, he's not gay, right?

Speaker 22 No, no, but you know, and he's black, and you know, black guys are like, I don't play no gay shit when it comes to like.

Speaker 24 Oh, so he's a homophobe?

Speaker 53 No, no, he just doesn't like when black guys do gay.

Speaker 5 Like, he's just like, what the fuck?

Speaker 24 He doesn't like seeing it in video. No, he's not a homophobic.
He just doesn't like when black men touch each other. Yeah,

Speaker 5 yeah,

Speaker 5 yeah.

Speaker 86 He's not into that.

Speaker 53 You want to see something he doesn't like?

Speaker 5 Yeah. Show me.

Speaker 53 Here's some shit he doesn't like.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 61 Look at him shaking his head.

Speaker 81 So we play stuff like that for him.

Speaker 5 Because I know he won't like it.

Speaker 5 Where he hates it.

Speaker 24 He's on camera six.

Speaker 30 He's like camera six right there.

Speaker 5 He hates it so much.

Speaker 24 I can't take it.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Well, he's not even smiling. No.
No. Oh, he's like that.
Yeah. It upsets him.

Speaker 24 Look, we all have our wheelhouse videos that upset us. For me, I don't like guys being super horny.

Speaker 24 i hate it when guys are like oh make you come look at

Speaker 24 i'm like i that shuts me down yeah i wouldn't say that i'm whatever phobic that is but i just don't like seeing that well it's horny guys very i get that a lot i understand that me too what's your

Speaker 78 you're turned on see that's how it's been my whole life

Speaker 78 oh

Speaker 24 you know

Speaker 24 public transportation guy this is the guy on the subway that did that to you when you were like 12, you know? I know, and I shouldn't have fucked him.

Speaker 5 Such a big mistake.

Speaker 24 This is really intense. It's intense.
That's an intense ass. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Guy's got a great body. He's a great shape.
I know.

Speaker 24 Yeah. Wait, what's your video? What shuts you down?

Speaker 24 Oh, boy. I don't know.
I mean, I think like aggressive, aggressive men like that too, I can't.

Speaker 24 But the way they like, yeah, come on, yeah, I'll fucking

Speaker 24 make you. that's like a joke I have about when straight guys when I was coming out be like I can change you you just haven't had the right guy you know I hate that shit of course

Speaker 24 this guy I hate him so much

Speaker 16 I hate him

Speaker 87 10 15 times before I even went boom once does he fuck them with his nose

Speaker 24 does he have a really big nose or it's just up close I don't think it's the best angle for him but it is a it is a sizable schnauz it's very disturbing I feel that way. I'm also not into like,

Speaker 24 like, I cannot watch someone being like tortured or

Speaker 24 like any kind of assault or that kind of thing. I can't watch it.
What's your thing?

Speaker 5 Oh, I know.

Speaker 24 I know, because I find them

Speaker 24 nose picking and nose eating.

Speaker 24 Booger eating and nose eating.

Speaker 5 I fucking hurl, dude. It's booger eating.

Speaker 24 What did you do when your kids did that? They don't eat their books.

Speaker 45 They would never like boogie.

Speaker 24 I know. It's really bad.

Speaker 86 I see it today.

Speaker 33 It could be in a video and I'll be like,

Speaker 34 I'll just start to dry.

Speaker 24 Like the camel.

Speaker 5 Oh, ah.

Speaker 5 Ah.

Speaker 24 The camel. The camel

Speaker 88 was my first time to see bigger people. There are not many big people in Japan

Speaker 88 because a lot of Japanese people are very disciplined.

Speaker 5 We believe that the harmony is very important.

Speaker 88 So if you are too big and then you stand out too much, and then it kind of destroys a harmony in the society in a way

Speaker 89 yeah yeah I think so

Speaker 24 it's image I love that they in the caption they just wrote fat where she's big that's why I was laughing yeah they're like well you are too fat didn't they say pig at some point I think she said big and they wrote pig

Speaker 62 yeah

Speaker 24 they're like what is that what is this show is this a show yeah it looks like a BBC four probably yeah

Speaker 24 It's pretty great, though, right? Because most cultures are like that. They're like, you can't be four bills, dude.
I know. Sticking out.
But what would make them want to go and be told that

Speaker 24 we were fat, get out of our country?

Speaker 25 Somebody was just like, you want to have a good meal?

Speaker 38 And they were like, yeah.

Speaker 61 And then this lady's going to come talk to you.

Speaker 7 Oh, okay.

Speaker 24 Oh, that's amazing. It's an intervention.
Yeah.

Speaker 84 She's like, oh, interesting. We've never seen people that look like a fan.

Speaker 5 That's a good show.

Speaker 24 If they did an international intervention.

Speaker 5 Fat intervention?

Speaker 24 They send you when you're really fat to Asia and you just get shamed into losing weight. That's actually a great idea.

Speaker 21 Well, the Koreans have, like in some of the parks, you know, they have that structure

Speaker 68 that has like slots that are like for a certain width.

Speaker 6 And they go fit through this and you're healthy.

Speaker 65 If you can't fit through this, you're a big fatty.

Speaker 36 You've big fat fuck. Stop being healthy.

Speaker 5 Kill yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 24 Fat motherfucker.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, they do.

Speaker 33 And it's out there. It's like it's in public.

Speaker 84 Can you imagine getting stuck in it?

Speaker 5 Oh, my God. It has to have happened.

Speaker 24 I mean, i had a used to i used to have to ask for an ex uh seat belt extender and that was horrific horrific right horrific tell me about the first i tried to make it quiet i was like hi do you have a what what do you need i need a seat

Speaker 24 i i oh okay so you need a seat connector like it was really

Speaker 24 yeah once i was on a tiny plane doing a gig in like the midwest and this and there were only like six of us on the plane you know one of those and

Speaker 24 the the uh

Speaker 24 the i almost just said housekeeper the

Speaker 24 the flight attendant

Speaker 24 the flight attendants like um do you have your like in front of and she was heavy i'll never forget this she was heavy and she's like do you have um is your seat belt fastened i had a i used to put a like a jacket over it and i'm like

Speaker 24 she's like i need to see i never forget this because she was hat very heavy

Speaker 24 and i had to show her and she's like that's not fastened let me get you a center i'm like you're a

Speaker 24 like you're that, it was really horrible. She should have just discreetly, like, here.
Yeah, like, knowing how it feels like. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just like she tried to basically try to shame you.

Speaker 24 It was really unbelievable.

Speaker 5 That's not nice. Yeah.

Speaker 24 I've seen them discreetly hand.

Speaker 84 Yeah, me too.

Speaker 21 I've been on flights where I try to get one for Bert.

Speaker 64 I've been like, hey, can you give me a friend a seatbelt extender?

Speaker 67 And they're like, what?

Speaker 64 I go, can you get him a seatbelt extender?

Speaker 69 And they're like,

Speaker 5 okay.

Speaker 24 You just brought rope and tied him around the seat.

Speaker 5 This is so you can fit better.

Speaker 24 Did you find the slots, Josh Lolo? You gotta see this, Jessica. It's so

Speaker 5 this is very

Speaker 80 after installed by the local health authority. The sign says your belly fat can change.

Speaker 80 So you pass through these gaps to measure your belly.

Speaker 24 I could fit in any of those.

Speaker 80 So we have skinny, slim, standard.

Speaker 24 Yes, you could.

Speaker 24 Standard? Standard or chubby?

Speaker 24 No, you're not.

Speaker 80 This literally says you're in trouble.

Speaker 5 For me, I failed standard. Failed standard?

Speaker 24 Oh, paste. See, this is the timing.

Speaker 67 And they're calling him chubby. This guy.

Speaker 56 Welcome to Korea.

Speaker 5 That's

Speaker 24 he's chubby. He's chubby.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 6 That guy looks like he weighs like 175 pounds.

Speaker 5 That's not a lot.

Speaker 24 Not even that. I don't know.

Speaker 5 Maybe less.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 55 Maybe once again, they're like, you're chubby.

Speaker 21 You're a disgrace to family and to nation.

Speaker 24 I think they should have these before a flight attendant can check in for her job to get on the plane and call call you a fatty. Yeah, I know.
Because they have to enforce stuff.

Speaker 5 Big barb, who's

Speaker 5 she walks down the aisle,

Speaker 5 peer nuts or cookies.

Speaker 33 So much attitude, and you're like,

Speaker 5 holy shit.

Speaker 24 They're so mean.

Speaker 53 And then you fly international flights where you're like, oh, they have these angels working on.

Speaker 24 I know. They really are amazing.
The international flights.

Speaker 5 Unbelievable.

Speaker 17 Cafe Pacific.

Speaker 24 Yeah, wherever women are treated the worst, they have the best

Speaker 24 service. Oh my God, that's so true.

Speaker 5 Like, you Arab emergency. Because they know their value.

Speaker 6 They know their value.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 5 You know, they're like,

Speaker 1 this is what I'm worth.

Speaker 79 So I'll bring it to work.

Speaker 24 Yeah, they're like, if I want to stay alive, I better go back and ask her what she wants.

Speaker 5 Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 33 So true. I don't want to be fucking beheaded.

Speaker 36 Yeah. I'll do a good job today.

Speaker 24 It's directly proportional.

Speaker 5 It is. I have to say this.

Speaker 79 If you have not yet, you need to go on Hulu and see I'm the man.

Speaker 40 It's Jessica Kerson's new special.

Speaker 33 She is absolutely one of the best comedians working in the world today.

Speaker 7 So fucking funny.

Speaker 5 Just fantastic.

Speaker 24 So much.

Speaker 36 So

Speaker 54 we were saying, like, when you were taking your shit, we were talking about how much fun we had on the road because we did some gigs together.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 24 That's right. And I'm so glad he took you.
I know. He did it, not that he took you.
He's amazing.

Speaker 24 No, it's the fact, this is the thing.

Speaker 24 Tom has been one of the guys.

Speaker 24 who has helped me and taken him under his wing because, you know,

Speaker 24 like, yes, you have. So has Bill Burr.

Speaker 5 These are special.

Speaker 24 He's a good champion at the lady comics. He was very good to me early, too.
So

Speaker 5 amazing to me.

Speaker 24 He produced this special, the lady.

Speaker 5 Amazing.

Speaker 24 I mean, it's like if it weren't for these guys, because none of the female comics ever took me on the road to open for them. I mean,

Speaker 24 it's funny, though. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Well, you know what we're doing. You couldn't open.
I wouldn't follow you.

Speaker 72 Bill and I both say, pussy's pussy.

Speaker 24 Hey, that's what's up. I know.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 I mean, it's

Speaker 24 don't repeat why you did that last summer. But anyway, yeah.

Speaker 18 Um,

Speaker 1 Invisalign, still, I'm still recovering.

Speaker 25 Thank you guys

Speaker 34 for watching.

Speaker 33 Thank you for listening. Jessica, thank you for coming in today.

Speaker 45 I love you.

Speaker 5 Thank you. You're brilliant.
I love you.

Speaker 30 We'll see you guys next week.

Speaker 16 Bye, mommy.

Speaker 5 Paul's cock.

Speaker 5 Little pathetic cock. Pig has no rope, no string.
So it's gonna have to use this.

Speaker 5 This pig

Speaker 5 leash. Nice and tiny for my

Speaker 5 mistress that leave me by my balls. Little pathetic cock.
Pigsticles. Pigsticles.
Okay, these stupid,

Speaker 5 stupid balls.

Speaker 5 Pig balls. Pig cock.
Pig balls. Pig cock.
Here comes a little cock.

Speaker 5 Aw, I can't even see it's so small. I'm gonna fucking lose her.

Speaker 5 Pig stickles, pig stickles, balls, and cock.

Speaker 5 I'm gonna fucking lose her.

Speaker 5 Selector, tramp, cock sucking, bisexual, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pick, bones,

Speaker 5 little pathetic cocks.

Speaker 8 This isn't just a game, it's a once-in-a-generation event.

Speaker 10 Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks, 100 years of show-stopping moves, and 100 years of changing the game.

Speaker 9 Bring the whole family and be part of the legacy.

Speaker 8 This game is once in a century.

Speaker 12 Be there at Chase Center on January 18th.

Speaker 14 Go to HarlemGlobetrotters.com for your tickets to the 100-year tour.

Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812

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