Don't Pull My Tampon String! w/ Jessica Kirson | Your Mom's House Ep. 812

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Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with a class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Oh Oh my gosh,

oh my gosh

Only guys

Oh my gosh

Oh,

oh my gosh

Oh

my gosh

Oh my gosh

Oh oh my God.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's not bad.

Not bad at all.

Not bad at all.

Unbelievable.

Such a classic.

Such a good work.

We got to put out

a call for more songs.

I know.

It's been a while.

Why don't we do a thing where we

can can do a worker song?

Worker.

I'm a worker.

Where we

have like a competition or something.

You know what I mean?

Like,

let's get some song submissions in here, and then let's do a prize for like our favorite song.

It's a great idea, Tom.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I mean?

I'm like, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I'm a worker.

Let's get some.

Let's get some of those music workers out there to start working.

Hey, I mean, I don't know.

I don't want to let the cat out of the bag here, but I'm just too excited.

is that Tony Johns is getting out of jail today.

Wow, you really jumped all over.

I'm just too excited.

I'm just, there's so much going on in

this.

It's a huge day here.

It's a huge day.

Tony Johns, as of this recording, is getting out of jail.

It's very exciting to see what jail was like, what he's going to do right now.

Will he still work as a worker, as in scenes?

All that is to be determined still.

What I think is most interesting to me is what will be his first stop.

Let's put some money on it.

I'm going to go with his local bar where he knows people.

I don't know if he's going to go to the bar.

I think he wants to get him a swig, like an orange swig or something.

Yeah.

You know,

he's probably going to get his swig down, maybe some like beef jerky or something.

Like, I think it's a 7-Eleven stop to refuel, you know, after

jail food and drinks.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's a good thing.

Maybe go pick up a hustler or something like that.

Yeah.

Penthouse.

Some, you know.

Library materials.

Library stuff.

Yeah, I love the library.

I have even bigger news.

Let me just play the opening clip and then we'll just get right into it.

We didn't even open the show.

Yeah, we haven't opened the show yet.

Don't pull on my fucking tampon string.

I'll punch you so fucking far across this whole goddamn fucking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't bring anyone loving for this.

Your mom in the fucking stand.

Well, well, come on.

Welcome to your mom's house

with Tom Segura, Tom Subsura, and Christina Pajitsi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

peow peow peow

don't pull on my fucking tampon string dude who has not felt that way though

dude so many dudes want to pull on my fucking tampon string so many it's disgusting has it always been a thing dude guys love it yeah No, but I do remember like when I was in junior high school,

this one bitch, or like high school, this one bitch was like, yeah, we fucked in the shower and he pulled out my tampon and he put it like in the shower and then we left it there and I forgot about it.

I was like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

What's wrong with y'all?

I know.

I keep my tampon stuff so separate from you and your world.

You've never experienced it, right?

No, and you've never said this to me.

Don't pull on my fucking tampon string.

She's cool.

I like her.

I like her voice.

Like a smoker's voice, you know.

It's kind of moose soupy.

It's got some mousse soup.

It has moose soup quality to it.

Yeah.

Fucking awesome.

I wonder, like, what the mastery.

Yeah.

What do you think her story is?

Some guy was with her and she's like, leave it in, dummy.

Somebody clearly just did it to her.

Maybe he was just like, come on, let me get in there, you know?

And she was like, no, I'm not.

I'm fucking sick of that shit.

Don't pull my tampon strings.

Stop pulling the string.

Fuck head.

Yeah.

Well, this is a big day.

We have, god damn, we have such like massive, I just have to

tell you this way.

This is a YMH exclusive.

YMH exclusive.

Real quick, I should also just say thank you to everybody who has watched Bad Thoughts on Netflix.

I've gotten thousands of messages and comments from people.

Some of you love it, love it, some of you don't love it.

But either way, I got to tell you, I'm thrilled with it.

It's a very liberating thing to make something you wanted to make, and you can kind of just go, like, yeah, I know some people like it, so who will it?

I kind of feel like that.

I feel like my tampon strings hanging out.

And I'm just telling you.

You're still in the top 10 as of this recording.

You're still

out.

Still on there.

People,

yeah,

it's been a really fun couple weeks for me.

So I just want to say thank you to everybody who watched it and uh sent me messages thank you so much um okay here is

the crazy fucking update okay

oh

we have for years

been wondering what happened to this guy his pig norman summerton

he has tit cups been in these babies for uh seven hours now

seven hours look at these things eh

yeah and then

a long time Yeah, he just, you know.

Imagine a pig with tits.

I love that line.

Yeah, why not?

Well, it's time to take him off and have a shower, and these pig is starting to stink up the high heavens.

So let's get these tit cups off.

There's one.

This is not good for your breasts.

Let's get the other one off.

The red.

Wow.

Yeah.

Imagine a pig with tits.

That's always stuck with me.

And we have asked about him

a bunch over the years.

And then we got the notification that somebody found him.

He is on a

fetish

dating site.

His profile there is loser pig.

It looks like there's a penis in his mouth.

Yeah, I'm not used to seeing him like that.

I don't like to think of him that way.

Well, that's where the pig, that's what the pig's doing there.

About, it says pig to host.

Pig resides in Northwest near 64th avenue center street very specific details here you go stupid loser pig norm summerton lives to serve worship and obey superior women since the age of 16 now 75.

wow uh loser pig is a masochist loser pig is deep into bdsm tattoos sporting on its forehead in three inch letters the word pig loser pig is permanently locked in a steel chastity cage wow since january 1st

or January 20 of 01 and the key holder is Mistress Calicious and is paid $100 per month.

Loser Pig is the owned property of Mistress Corey, to whom takes

all of Loser Pig's money every month since 20 January 23rd.

At first, it was $200 per month.

Over time, it is now all of Loser Pig's unaccounted for money.

Wow.

Loser Pig is also a free service boy toy to suck cocks, swallow, cum, and serve as a piss toilet.

Pig owners control pig, exploiting pig and destroying pig's male ego and turning him into a sissy loser pig.

Man, yeah.

Um, this is money on the table.

For any women out there that aren't doing this, God, we're always trying to encourage you ladies.

It's making me crazy.

Like, if I had to do this, like, let's say it's COVID,

got no money, I would do this in a minute.

Just have a moment.

Put the thing on your cage and send me money.

Yeah,

put your dick in there.

Be a pay pig for someone to be your little pay pig.

I don't like to say that's your granddad.

Yep, 75 years old.

El Porco.

Oh, he's got the full beard here.

Yep.

I like that.

That's kind of a new look.

Good job, Norm still has it.

Did it look good?

Wow.

Got the big loser hand signal there.

He's got a pig snout on.

Hold on a second.

We're looking at his dick cage.

Yeah.

Does it go into his urethra?

Not sure.

There's a lot going on there.

I'm trying to not look too hard.

I think it goes into his hole.

Oh, that's a kind of, look how sweet he looks right there.

I know.

That is a sweet grandpa, right?

It's got a good bra, too.

Sissy beta pig.

Yep.

He's got all the tats.

Looking good.

There's also some

new videos.

Pig Norman Summerton.

Total loser.

Total loser.

Pig with tits.

Stupid, stupid pig.

I always, every time I see him, I have to remind myself that this was a lot of people's mortgage broker.

Yeah.

And so

there's people who see this clip and they go, I wonder if I got the best rate from this guy.

Yep.

You know?

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

I signed up 7% for 30 years with this fucking guy.

I wonder if I could have been at five and a half if he hadn't been so focused on his pig tits.

Oh my God, there he is as a civilian.

That's before the tattoo.

But when do you think he committed to the tattoo?

Well, he he was obviously into the lifestyle, probably then.

He just didn't have his fucking head tattooed.

But then he retired, and then he got the.

But how many people do you think in your world right now are doing this crazy stuff behind closed doors?

Probably not a lot.

Not a lot.

Somebody, for sure.

There's people doing secret shit.

But.

God, I wonder who in our staff is doing it.

I don't know.

That's the sound of pig Norman Simmerton saying it is just a stupid sissy beta pig.

Daddy, can we go visit Grandpa today?

There's somebody doing that.

Can we stop by grandpa's house?

And here's

Grandpa's doing his own thing.

Yeah, he's kind of busy right now.

Grandpa's a bingo.

He's a pig with tits.

Homemade tits.

Or should I say homegrown tits?

You know the weirdest thing I have with Norm?

Yeah.

This to me isn't in the slightest creepy for me.

Yeah.

I don't get

icky feelings.

Is it because he's so open?

Like he's such an open?

Maybe it's like such a pure desire within him.

Yeah.

There's no...

I don't feel grossed out by him.

Now, however, you know, the guy I do feel grossed out by is like, I'll make you come.

Like that guy who's watching Rachel Maddow in his glasses.

Yeah.

That makes me me want to vomit.

But Norm, I just like, there's something innocent about him.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

There's something sweet about Norm.

Yeah, I understand.

That's something sweet about him.

He's got

the thong tattoo, and he's got a bra tattoo.

Yeah.

Huh.

Yeah.

Aw, look how happy.

Look how happy he is.

He's so happy.

Dude, if this was your dad.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

I don't want to see that, babe.

I don't want to see that.

Now I feel gross.

I don't want to see dad.

Wait, do you still feel the same way?

I do like that he's with a younger guy who shaved.

Like, I like that for him.

And you're stuck in your mouth.

Wow, come on.

Stop

it.

Stop it.

Switching up to pace.

And your mouth.

Try it.

I feel like

I die.

I don't want this.

9, 18, 36.

9, 18, or 36 times?

Are you going to start doing this to me?

You're supposed to go.

Oh, I suck it in?

Stop.

How do you contract?

Stop.

I hate it.

You contract vagina.

I don't like his sound effects.

I got it.

Thank you.

Stop pulling my tamp on it.

36.

Guys, so far, so good.

You've really been making me feel good on this.

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Well, the norm update is crazy.

So we know he's back at it.

This is probably in the greater Calgary area.

We have a specific.

Yeah, can we try to reach out?

Yeah, 100%.

Would love to.

I'm open just so you know, to flying norm here.

Maybe hiring a local dom to give him a treat while he's in town.

I think he needs the permission of Mrs.

Talon.

Well, I think we reach out to him and we say channels.

Yeah, we go, we go, can your mistress there provide permission for you to get pissed and beat on here?

Sure.

And, you know, we'd love to have you come by.

Wow.

That's, that's, that's daunting.

Does he sit in my chair and I move next to you?

I think it's probably best.

Yeah.

Do we let him wear tit cups?

Yeah, of course.

We request tit cups.

I can't wait.

And then you're a lady, so you can be like, hey, hey, pig loser.

And he'll be like, yeah.

He'd love that.

Yeah.

He'd love that.

Yeah.

Then you go, fillate my husband.

And then I go over there and,

you know, he does his thing.

And I go, it's just for the bit.

Annie, what do you think feels worse?

I think it's really cool that we're starting with this gay shit.

It's really cool.

Didn't even fucking wait this time.

This isn't even in the fucking gay folder.

It's just how we start the show.

It's really cool.

Really the fan.

You ever ate your own f ⁇ before?

Of course.

I mean,

you have to try it.

What would you taste like?

So I actually eat a lot of citrus because I've heard that that makes it taste better.

And my boyfriend's a swallower.

So I try to put a lot of oranges, grapefruits into my diet so that it swallows my low deep down.

It tastes yummy.

Can I taste it?

You may.

Emmy?

What?

What do you want from me?

I just want to know what you thought of that.

Hate it.

Not a fan.

All right.

He should stop talking.

All right, we'll do another one.

Annie, hold on.

How do you even bother?

He's got a great body.

It does.

They all do.

Annie, does it bother you more when the gays are black?

A lot more.

I knew I hated a lot more.

No, I sensed that.

i sensed it wait why do you hate that more because it feels like family they're like they're lost you know i want to help them i want to help them find jesus

save themselves it's very upsetting hold on i have a question for you would you rather your oh no oh no man

your dad be one of these fellas here in the video or norm summerton

What?

Wait, what?

Would I rather...

Your dad is either Norm Summerton or one of these gentlemen in this video.

You have to pick.

Oh, my dad is either Norm or one of these guys.

These motherfucking niggas?

Oh my God, man.

No, neither.

You have to pick it up.

That's the same thing.

It's not the same thing.

One is black and one is white.

There's a difference.

You can't make my dad white.

Yeah,

his dad's black.

But would you rather have your dad wear tit cups and do I'm a piss beta drinking, piss drinking beta cuck with Mistress Corgi or whatever?

Or would you rather have your dad do little twerk videos with his homeboys?

Why do I gotta do this?

Why do y'all?

Why you know, I work so hard, I know you do, we love you.

I put so much stuff together, okay?

All right, all right.

He doesn't want to answer.

We'll go to the next video.

I think it's the black stuff.

Well, yo, bad, why are you wearing the freaky uh pants?

What are you talking about?

There's a zipper right here, bro.

Are you trying to make a move on me?

Maybe.

I like it.

Yo,

guess what?

I got you a pair of pants.

I will quit.

I will quit the show before I wear those pants.

Yeah, those pants.

I'll show them.

Those pants are diabolic.

That's crazy.

Yeah, that's really sad.

Save you

asshole zipper pants.

But I'm hung up on the logic of it because the undies are blocking.

I know.

Well, I think he can't post that video.

Oh, you know what I mean?

He can't if it's informational.

All right, which is your favorite video so far?

My favorite video

of the ones we showed.

saying.

I'm gonna quit.

I'm close, bro.

I'm fucking close.

Talking all that sucking, my dick shit.

I wanted to come to his face and actually show him how we suck dick.

You know what I mean?

You know,

oddly enough, this one doesn't bother me as much.

Really?

Because it's kind of gangster.

I don't know.

The way he said it, the way he said it's kind of like, yeah, like, I'll suck your dick, but I'm going to fucking just because I could fuck you up.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, so

some of the attitude behind it okay yeah like like i would never talk shit on this man no this dude right here if you were like what's up you know you're sweet he would just punch you in the mouth oh my god sweet that's crazy

i think it's the effeminate the effemineness of that bothers him yeah he doesn't like that yeah but this dude is this is different you know yeah because

yeah that's different It's more aggressive.

Yeah, that dude's cool in my book.

That's cool, man.

It's fine.

That's cool.

That's my favorite video.

There you go.

There you go.

All right.

There you go.

Yep.

Like, that's how you should be gay.

That's strong.

Yeah.

I like it.

I like it, too.

Fucking cool, man.

Yeah.

It's like the straight guy.

Yeah, that's the thing, too, about talking about fucking whatever Spartans and shit were gay.

Like, not like that, though.

Nigga, they weren't fucking like, oh, my God.

Like, they weren't.

Spartans were hard as fuck, bro.

Yeah.

They would fuck your shit up.

That's right.

And so fuck you.

Yeah.

Be tough.

Yeah.

All right.

There's the message.

That's a good message to put out there.

But I kind of agree because it's like, why, why can't, if you're gay, like, why do you have to act a certain way too?

Like, why?

Well, are you a fan of like, why can't you just be normal and be gay?

Daddy DeMarco, like, his style, was that appealing to you?

Appealing is not the word that I would choose.

But, like, he was like, yo, I'll fuck you up.

Yeah, right.

I mean, yeah, like, that's kind of gangsta shit.

Like, I mean, you know what I'm saying?

Like, yeah.

I don't, yeah, I don't, you don't have to be a girl to be gay.

Just be bathing.

Just be gay.

You don't do that.

You don't have to adopt the whole language.

But I think that just comes with, like, you know, know, person to person.

People are just who they are.

That's true.

You know, some people just speak a certain way and walk a certain way.

And, you know, some people don't.

I mean, this dude is, he's not an effeminate guy, but he's still like, y'all suck the shit out your dick.

You know?

So it's just how.

That's how Annie would be gay if Annie had to be gay.

I think he would be like that, like aggressively.

Like angry, angry gay.

That's what I would probably be if I were a man.

You'd be an angry gay?

Definitely.

I don't think I would be like that.

You'd be soft and sweet.

I'd be a nice guy.

Yeah.

You'd You'd be a nice guy.

You know what I did last night?

Fucked a bunch of guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you would be the fun gay friend to have.

Yeah.

You're not like.

You don't broadcast that you're gay.

Right.

Just like your friends know.

Sure.

Sure.

Come out here crushing ass.

Stupid.

Yeah.

This is really a lot of fun.

You're going to enjoy this.

This is real.

Well, a Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves.

Diane Ringstaff said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was the Hollywood actor.

They started chatting over the next two years.

Diane says she saw Keanu's face during a few video chats, and then he sent her audio messages.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

This is just.

Hold on.

I think.

Good morning, my sunshine, Diane.

As you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and that I am loyal to you.

You will always be my queen.

Have a great day today, Diane.

Love you.

Kisses from your loving Keanu.

Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles.

Knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there

and fake voices and everything else, you know, ding, ding, ding.

Yeah.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Yeah.

They think she should go to jail.

How fucking stupid.

Yeah, like how.

She's not old either.

She's not.

Yeah, she's not 80.

No.

And she was just like, oh, Keanu Reeves is hitting me up.

I mean, God, he needs fucking 20 grand.

Never thought that he's got enough scratch.

Yeah, man.

He's in trouble right now.

Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding.

Yeah.

Your mom would get taken by something like this, but your mom's 80.

Yeah.

You could definitely trigger her.

Would you think your mom?

No, your mom wouldn't even be smarter than this.

Oh, my God.

Kisses from your loving Keanu.

Kisses from your loving.

Kisses from your loving Keanu.

Hello, Diane.

This is Keanu Reeves.

You may know me from films like The Matrix.

I need money.

I love you.

And Bitcoin, I didn't even realize you could.

That's still a thing.

$160,000?

Oh, my God.

Says she was skeptical when the scammer first messaged her, but she says she video chatted with the scammer who looked and sounded exactly like the actor.

Oh, my God.

It's like, it's depressing, too, bro.

So sad.

It's so depressing.

It's really sad.

I think, yeah, humanity is getting this guy.

Could not believe the money was coming in, too.

He was like, this is so crazy that this works.

Yeah.

This is crazy.

You know what's going to be fun, though?

Is the uptick of stories like this as AI gets better and better?

Yeah.

I can't wait.

Oh, my God.

Good morning, my sunshine, Diane.

Good morning, my sunshine, Diane.

Diane, I did Keanu Reeves.

Ding, ding, ding.

$160,000.

Do you think they had they definitely had video sex together?

She's leaving that out.

She's like

when he would come.

I'm sorry.

You know what's crazy?

Guyanne, rub your tits.

Keanu has probably the best reputation in all of Hollywood.

And I bet if he caught wind of this story, he would want to do something for this lady.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know.

And then everybody would be like, oh, yeah, Keanu stole money from me, too.

Dude, it's so depressing.

It's so.

She isn't old, old, but like...

That's $160,000.

That's probably a big part of her savings.

That's everything.

That's so much money to give to

robot Keanu.

What other shit, I want to hear the dirtier, like the sweet talking.

He must have been sending her shit all day long.

Keanu, again, have you played with your clit for daddy?

She was like that.

Well, he would tell me to do things.

That's what's really happening.

I hadn't played with Michaelt in years.

Good night, my sweet chine.

Yeah.

I'm going to bust nuts thinking of you now.

Good night, sweet Diane.

It's your favorite actor, Keanu.

And then she's like, are you filming that movie?

Yes, I am on set in England now.

Like, it's so bad.

No one has money here.

I need your money.

Fucking so.

What do you think he told her?

Oh, he said that he has legal troubles, so that he needs her.

And he needs Bitcoin.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Can you pull up the Denzel thing?

She's a big one.

I'm so excited about this.

Nothing made me happier.

Idiot.

Some fucking fuckhead in Can.

These people on the red carpet there are

out of their minds the way they...

So this guy, look, Denzel is like, hey, motherfucker, to this guy.

And the guy has a big old donkey smile on his face and keeps touching him.

And you can see that he's like, hey, fuckhead, don't touch me right look at this

the guy's like oh no it's okay he's like don't fucking put your hands on me dumb shit

told you

okay and then the guy reaches out and grabs his arm it's like bro stop stop

stop

stop yeah

that's within his rights to not be yeah i mean i know it's crazy Don't touch him.

He's standing in front of you.

And the frogs there, they're notorious for being like

really

like controlling of where you stand and when you can stop like the whole red carpet there is this nonsense that's what i heard last year

they like yeah they they it was a big thing where they like pulled this actress off as she was going up the stairs they're like you can't stop for photos here and she was like what and they got really aggressive with her i forget who it was but you could tell here he wants to fucking punch this guy in the mouth yeah he's trying to start some shit you want to talk some shit yeah i would have loved if Denzel had punched that guy.

I know.

But he's going over there.

So he must be going over there for something said, right?

Yeah, shots fired.

He fucking said something first.

And he's like, hey, asshole.

Yeah.

Don't fuck with me.

I know you're fucking with me.

And look at his big, goofy, the fucking

stupid French mouth.

Punch him right in his dumb French mouth.

Yes, yes, I'm happy.

Hey, croissant.

Yeah.

Put that baguette right up your ass.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's fucking with him.

He's saying stupid shit.

This video fires me up.

I want to grab that guy.

Because you're angry and that's a nice way to release that rage.

Through somebody else?

Yeah.

I can see that with you.

That's an excuse to fight and it's a legitimate one.

Yeah.

That all my anger comes out that way.

Because I think you would be pardoned for that one.

If some guy keeps fucking touching you.

Does it say anything out here?

Let's see.

So he abruptly allegedly called out a photographer touching his arm at Cannes.

The professional lip reader revealed that the actor yelled at the aggressive shutter bug in their headline making spat.

hey, one more time, stop.

The actor warned after physical contact was made initially.

I think he's being reasonable.

I don't even think she snaps.

I mean, this is a very normal thing.

Let me tell you something.

Never put your hands on me.

I'm talking to you.

Stop.

All right.

The liberting expert claimed that the photographer responded to Washington's pleas with dismissal, telling him, not allowed.

Before cracking a devilish grin.

Yeah.

I don't know what that is.

I mean, what this guy was thinking, man.

It became a figure.

You're right.

Look at his dumb dog.

Oh, he's like, can I take a picture?

His big...

Stop it.

Stop it.

I mean it.

Stop it.

He's going to kill him.

Yeah.

That's really crazy.

Well, you can't put hands on people.

I mean, come on.

And then he goes to grab after all that.

Yeah.

Dude, I would fucking punch him.

That's what I'm saying.

It is really nut.

Look how fucking pissed he is.

Of course.

And why don't they have security being like, why are you touching Denzel Washington, dipshit?

Is that a security guy?

No, that's ASAP Rock.

Oh.

Well, he should have had security.

And then is Spike there in like just Nick's colors?

Is that what he's wearing underneath?

Scroll down.

What?

He's just wearing like a Nick's suit.

Him in those silly glasses as I'm talking about.

Dude, Denzel's still pissed.

He's thinking about that photograph.

He's like, I'm going to fuck that guy up.

I'm going to fuck him right up.

That's insane.

Do you play the other thing I sent you, Gene?

Which one?

From Cannes.

Oh, it's just at the theater?

Yeah.

Yeah.

With Pedro Casco.

Look at the man next to the guy that Pedro's hugging.

Yeah, Pedro's hugging a guy, and there's a guy in a full fucking pup play outfit.

I know.

Who's just like, I'm at the movie, too.

What?

I can come out.

This is very exciting for me because I want you to show up at your next red carpet event wearing a pop play mask.

And I want the story to be like Tom Segura comes out and you're like, this is who I am.

And we've been marginalized for so long.

It's not sexy.

And I'm just doing this because I guess who I feel like I'm myself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's really cool.

But watch Hollywood is like, oh my God, so brave.

Tom Segura is so brave for coming out as a pop.

We need to give him his own movie about it.

And then you have to make movies about Paul Play.

We're tired of being cast aside.

Okay, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back.

You got to love these things, eh?

I know I do.

I love the weight of them.

We are back, and we are so happy to welcome back one of our all-time favorites, one of the funniest people working today.

She has a new special out on Hulu called I'm the Man.

It's Jessica Kirsten.

Thank you.

Fucking favorite.

You're mine.

I'm in love with the two of you.

I wish we could all be in a relationship.

We can be.

We can.

Well, I'm Polly and I'm Bi, so it's fine.

Yeah.

Well, that's the thing now, isn't it?

To have thrupples and

do you do this?

Are you into this?

Yeah, I have 17 partners.

Yeah, that's fucking hell.

That's so good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, one of them is a camel.

No, now I'm going to get hate mail.

Like, that's not okay.

You know, sometimes the lesbians are like

fucking camels, isn't it?

You know, isn't it?

it?

Oh, do they get you like on the senses?

Like, they're hot.

What?

Do people like ever hit you up with like, that part wasn't cool?

Not a lot, but when they do, I just, I always like it, and I'm like, you're right, and stuff like that.

I used to, when people would give me hate on Facebook, I'd go to their page and blow up a horrible picture of them.

And then that would be my response.

I was out of my mind.

People are so

illogical.

Like,

I have a series that came out, and there's these ridiculous stories in them.

And like, one of them, like one of the feedback I got from someone, they're like,

there's one where I lose my mind in a coffee shop.

Yeah.

And somebody was like, I don't know what you did this for.

Like, that never happened.

I'm like, what do you mean?

That I didn't kill three people?

And they were like, well, nobody.

And it's so stupid.

Nobody filled your entire glass with milk.

And I go, yeah, it's an exaggeration.

Like, that's the whole thing.

It's a TV.

Yeah, it's a TV thing.

They're so dumb.

They're so dumb.

They're so dumb.

then we have another one where it's supposed to be her and i are watching our son at a school play but it's it's called grandparents day and what it is is the kid is performing a piece that the grandparent has basically taught them right and in our case the son our son is telling war stories from vietnam right and he's just like talking about like blacks and jews and like yeah he's saying what because it's it's the grandfather's voice yeah and like i got they're like this is a horrible portrayal of veterans.

I'm like,

I get that stuff sometimes.

What?

Yeah.

Especially when I do like something about another country or an accent.

Oh, those go viral.

Yeah.

I'm bad.

I'm like, perfect.

Yeah.

Because I'll say to someone, like, where are you from?

And they're like, Spain.

And one of them and I said, oh, I love tacos.

Like, as a joke, there are 7,000 people comments about

tacos on from Spain.

And I'm like, really?

I had no idea.

Well, we just had a story before you came in here.

A 65-year-old woman was convinced that she was having an online relationship with Keanu Reeves and sent him $160,000 in Bitcoin.

You know what?

She sent him money.

It's so pathetic.

I'm going to show you.

I don't think it's going to be a matter of time.

I need to see it.

Well, a Bay Area woman is out tens of thousands of dollars after she says she sent money to a scammer who said he was celebrity Keanu Reeves.

Diane Ringstaff said she was playing words with friends when somebody messaged her saying he was the Hollywood actor.

They started chatting over the next two years.

Look at her face.

Two years.

He saw Keanu's face during a few video chats and then he sent her audio messages.

Good morning, my sunshine Diane.

As you said last night, I am sending this recording to let you know that I cherish you and that I am loyal to you.

You will always be my queen.

Have a great day today, Diane.

Love you.

Kisses from your loving Keanu.

Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles.

Knowing what I know now.

She got a haircut.

Fake voices and everything else.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ding, ding, ding.

Jesus.

Oh my God.

Is that my mother?

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I can see myself.

Now, hold on.

We've all been there.

You're unemployed.

It's 2004.

You're home all day playing puzzle bauble.

You're watching Roger Lodge on Blind Date.

Had AI existed, I might be doing words with friends.

And then some celebrity pops up

and you're vulnerable and he's like i love you just sending you love today

you just sound like you have a problem

good morning my queen christina it is keanu reeves your favorite actor

i'm in legal trouble

Legal trouble?

Legal trouble?

What possibly?

And she never was like, I wonder if Keanu could like hit up.

I don't know.

No, did you see her face when she's like, yeah.

Keanu contacted me?

You're right.

She's so tweaked.

Yeah.

Well, she's tweaked in that frame.

She's on crystal meth and has horrible PTSD.

Oh, my God.

Like me.

Ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding.

Yeah.

This is from your loving Kiana.

You will always be my queen.

You will always be my queen.

I mean, I feel bad for her, but she's also a fucking moron.

I don't feel bad for her.

I feel bad because she is is mentally ill and not in a home.

I mean it.

Like, I feel bad that she has a problem.

160, 160 grand, she sent.

Well, okay, then you know what?

It should go away.

Like, I'm sorry.

If you do that, I'm going to pretend to be Keanu Reeves.

Imagine if I did it and contacted her again.

I saw what happened.

This is the real Keanu Reeves.

And you have the same color hairs.

You could send a video and be like, it's Kiana.

I just, I'm bloated.

I'm bloated today, but I love you.

Back in trouble again.

Need more cash now.

Yeah, yeah.

And how stupid is she to share that audio with the news team?

Like the local audience.

She thinks that's believable.

No.

That's how the like she's of the age where she's like, doesn't that sound like him?

And everyone's like, no.

She's like, oh, I thought it did.

Yeah.

I mean, it's, it would be amazing to hire Keanu Reeves to go to her house and kill her at this point.

One big kick.

I think it's funny that because he has such a nice guy reputation, if he actually heard this story and he was like, oh, fuck her.

She's stupid.

Dumb bitch.

Dumb fucking bitch.

She's a dumb bitch, though.

Of course that wasn't me.

You think I would hit you up on words with friends?

Are you out of your goddamn mind?

He's just on set somewhere playing words with friends.

Oh, come on.

Her face is how I feel inside all day.

That's how I feel 20.

Just panicked.

Ah, fuck, man.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

That's just.

Oh, fuck.

It is so fucked up, man.

Here, pull your mic down, mommy.

We see your beautiful putting them.

Like, pull the whole thing down.

Like this, like the arm.

Yeah.

The arm?

Like, push it.

Oh, that's where she wants.

Yeah, there you go.

Jack that thing.

All right.

Is that better?

Yeah, that's better.

Congratulations on the special.

It's better.

Let's move on.

No, no.

I just wanted to make sure people know.

You have a special out.

It's on Hulu.

I'm excited for you.

uh where did you shoot uh i shot it at sony hall in new york city i didn't want like a big theater i like like a club i thought it was feeling theater no sounds massive i know well the crowd was great they were amazing it would paid them a lot that's awesome yeah congratulations thanks congrats i'm really excited about it i i'm so funny thank you you're my absolute favorite and i feel like this is so long overdue for you it's like dude yes i know get on just a curse on world thank you i mean the the fans are and the audiences and the comics, but, you know, it has not been.

I'm not bitter at all.

I swear I'm so grateful for what I've done, but it's a little, it's been tough to get the industry on board with stuff like that.

That's the only thing that's frustrated me is how long it took to get another special.

Well, yeah.

I mean, look, if you're not, if you're not a cookie-cutter lady comic, I think it's a little harder.

Yeah.

If you're saying stuff that's a little on the margins,

they don't know what to do with you.

I know.

But

they don't like the power, some of them, and the, you know, know, excuse me, the telling the truth and the like in your face kind of thing.

No.

Which really is what people laugh at.

I think that's what I'm saying.

That's what people laugh at.

Yeah, for sure.

But also, of course.

I don't understand why everyone was a fucking stupid idiot.

Every woman's stupid, too.

You know what I mean?

Well, that too.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Dumb broad.

Because you know what's so interesting abroad?

Is that, you know, I look.

Again, I think you and I are both really fortunate to even have careers in this business.

It's rare.

Yeah.

That being said, like you look on servers and you're like, it's female stand-up comics still have to announce that they're a female comic, like in their special, whereas the norm is to be a male comic and just have it titled be anything else.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like you can be like,

you know, I don't know, ball hat, ball game, or I don't fucking, I don't know, mousetrap is the name of your special.

Whereas we always have to announce like this is a lady comic.

Yeah.

They're not taken off guard or something.

Right.

Well, neither one of us are like female comics.

I mean,

because we're barely women.

I mean, I'm a huge, yeah, I have a huge dick.

But I, no, the thing is, is like male comics have always said to me, like, you're not a female comic, you're a comic.

And it's so, you know, a lot of them have not wanted to follow.

Which is a huge compliment.

Yeah.

It's huge.

I don't, I don't talk about being a woman.

Like, it's.

I don't feel like it either.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I don't feel like a woman.

Me either.

I think I'm non-binary.

Me too, but I wouldn't, like, it's not.

Meaning, like, from our generation.

Yeah.

You know, if you said that years ago, it would be like, what the hell are you talking about?

But I've never identified with the meat vessel to begin with.

Yeah.

I've always, my heroes growing up were dudes, right?

Like,

I fucking liked Knight Rider.

Me too.

You know what I mean?

I like the incredible Hulk.

Me too.

Well, maybe I'm a lesbian.

Yeah.

I want to date you.

You might be.

I might date you.

Sure.

She has a lot of tendencies.

I do.

I'm very

masculine.

You've never experimented?

Well, in the 90s, of course.

Yeah.

In college, you know, but then I can't eat pussy.

I don't think I can.

I know a lot of women say that.

They're like, I can do other things, but I cannot eat.

What if you just got blasted out of your mind?

Sure, I can do anything.

In a blackout.

Okay.

So go into a blackout and then eat some puss.

So here's the problem.

Get some fentanyl in your system.

Fentanyl.

Yeah.

Go for it, dude.

Here's the thing.

I'll be there with you.

Oh, that's hot.

That's how I get women.

Yeah.

I'm going to seriously be sick.

That is, that sounds worse.

Ew, Tom.

I know what turns her on.

So fucking gnarly, dude.

Oh, here, this will change your mind.

This will make you an Eats and Box.

Don't pull on my fucking tampon string.

I will punch you so fucking far across this whole goddamn fucking.

Is that Ricky Lake?

It does.

It does look like her.

That's amazing.

It does.

Look at that face you ended on again, too.

Would you go down on her?

Me?

Yeah.

No, as above, so below.

She can't take care of her teeth.

I love that you're being so nice about it.

Yeah.

I wouldn't touch her with a fucking broom.

Well, Well, why?

Like, what?

Look at her face right now.

Yeah, I know.

Okay.

What is she?

Why is she talking about her tampon?

Did someone threaten her?

We were wondering, too.

Somebody must have tugged at it and she decided to pull out her camera immediately.

That's the only thing I worship.

Sorry, that was the wrong thing.

You know, what?

Oh, my God.

That is amazing.

Yeah, yeah.

But she's very adamant.

Don't pull on my fucking tampon.

Fucking.

don't pull on my fucking tampon string

it up yeah don't pull on my fucking tampon string

damn pampring

i think she just peed in by the way yeah i you're dying for her to eat box yeah dying here's my problem i think you would jessica what it's not even a sexual i think meat flaps are meat flaps i could get used to it the emotions would make me crazy being with a woman.

It's not always like that.

Here's the thing.

I barely process my own.

I don't like, like right now, I know.

I'm avoiding a depression.

I know.

I'm avoiding.

Yeah.

So do you have to talk about your feelings all the time?

And she's, is she like, like, let's say Tom this morning, he can get out.

I'm going to the gym.

Okay, bye now.

And it's not a thing.

But I think if there's a woman, well, what did you leave?

Are you upset with me?

Did you, is there a thing?

Are we in a thing?

Are we mad?

Are you mad at me?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, because our brains are always just like, beep, beep, baby.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah.

yeah yeah yeah i get it like you just need a lasagna yeah some head and a tv yeah

um i i think it is like that a lot but it depends on who you're with because i've also been in relationships with women who are literally just black and white like oh you know you full

She just went, oh,

emotionally unavailable.

That's my winner.

There are women like that.

Women like that?

Yeah.

And that was that fun or no?

For me, no, because I need to express myself.

Yeah, you know.

And I'm into feelings and shit.

I mean, my mother's a therapist.

So I'm.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm damaged.

Bo, but of course.

I'm damaged.

Look who's here.

But do you, do you, you like to talk about your feelings?

I don't like it, but if I don't, I'll, you know, hold on to it or whatever.

And I, and I also, you know, I had a, like, a lot of emotional abuse growing on.

You should play music right now.

No, i'm you and i always

you and i always talk about this shit so i'm like sometimes i'm like did i do something did i oh right that too yeah i used to be like that with him like yeah yeah oh yeah yeah right you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah what made you stop doing that

um honestly getting sick like getting cancer i spent a lot of time

really just thinking about the nature of my life and and going inside of my own stuff

and uh

being like oh this doesn't matter this is silly why am i i shouldn't even be thinking about

yeah is it this is this is an inside game yes it is you know yes so

whatever this is that's his world this is my world i'm gonna deal with my world and i just forgave everybody and everything it's huge because you're like i what am i gonna do my mommy and daddy hated me they didn't love me enough what am i gonna fucking do i know what am i gonna do because they'll never change i know done deal and with tommy i love him he is who he is and i think the trouble in marriages and in relationships is when you want them to be something they're not because you didn't get it as a kid or whatever.

And now you're forever tanking it out on that.

You're doing that thing with that person.

I agree with you 100%.

I think when you go through a trauma, like you went through, because I've dealt with that too,

with my daughter, because, you know, my daughter has heart disease.

So this is so upbeat.

Don't worry.

I'll show you pictures of her in the hospital.

So, yeah, no, but once that happened, I was like, that's it.

Like, I'm so grateful.

Nothing else really is matters yeah you just go through that and you're just it all fades away once you realize that this is finite this is this is it yeah you get one chance at all this so what am i gonna don't touch me don't fucking just kidding i love you oh i know he's sweet see i know he's such a good person he really is yeah well when she was going through that i had invisalign and it was also like it was a big deal for me too because i hated when they applied it but what was worse is when they took it off and i feel like we were both going through something are you hearing we both we both grew a lot in that yeah we both changed and grew both changed we both went through our own trauma and I don't want to compare like who's was no that's really bad that's very painful it sucks yes I can only imagine but yeah suffering suffering really purifies and helps it really does what that is yeah it's because it it throws you into a situation where you're like this could all end or I could lose someone or whatever it is so like all this other shit doesn't matter it really doesn't like those that's the only I think the upside to like real traumatic things in your life.

It literally does put things into perspective.

It does.

You know, and you stop caring about, you're like, I can't believe I was occupied with this nonsense.

I know.

I was at the comedy cellar once in New York and I was so burnt out and just had been on the road every weekend and just, ugh, like, and this, this guy was just looking at me like this in the front row.

And I go, sir, are you okay?

And he's like, I just not having fun.

I go, I lost it.

I go, why don't you go uptown to the children's hospital, a Columbia, and sit in the lobby?

Exactly.

You're at a comedy show.

Like, I lost my mind.

I'm like, go sit there and look at all the children

that are being wheeled around.

And what'd he say?

He went.

He left.

No.

That was a good call, actually.

He's like, I'd rather sit in a children's hospital than watch your dumb act.

But don't you find, too, that like, I also think my sense of humor has gotten deeper and also

way less fucks given about other people's sensitivities or whatever.

You know, like the best room ever is an AA room to perform in.

These fools are the best.

I did it Friday night in Florida.

They're the best.

They've been there.

Yeah.

The darker you go, the better.

100%.

Yeah.

I mean, they really, because they've been to hell and back.

Yeah.

We got to find another one here.

We did this LA AA show a bunch that was so goddamn fun.

We got to find one here.

I know.

Yeah, you should just put it out there to the people.

Look, look, go on on the street and just ask some homeless people.

Yeah.

You fucked up?

You got a lot of problems?

You want to laugh?

Yeah, I'll get you an ounce of cocaine if you have a show with me right now.

Yeah.

That's funny.

I know.

And then I have so much.

I mean, your daughter, unfortunately, I'm so sorry, is going through it, but don't you have so much respect for people that work?

in the that industry?

I don't.

I'm telling you right now.

Yeah.

When people say to me, oh, you know, it's such a hard, it's the hardest thing you could ever do.

I'm like, no, no, go like, cause my daughter has, she's nine and a half.

She's had four open heart surgeries.

Yeah.

The first one was six days old.

So like we knew in utero she had to have open heart surgery.

And

then she's also had like a stent put in.

It's a nightmare.

Yeah.

And she needs more.

People are always like, oh, but she's okay, right?

She's okay.

And I'm like, no, she's, she's okay.

She looks okay.

She goes to school.

Thank God.

And, but, you know, she has to have more.

So

it's it's not easy no it's not easy but she's amazing and you just deal with it like what are you gonna do yeah what the fuck are you gonna do but it's can you imagine performing i'm performing look look where my brain is yeah hey how you doing heart

um can you imagine operating on a six-day-old no no no or who are these people the the nurses these these animals i don't know how they do it i don't i've seen the worst i mean i have seen the worst things you could possibly see in the icu for months at a time.

There's nothing worse.

No, nothing.

And it also makes me think about the fact that I actually need more Invisalign.

I know.

It could be that I'm not done.

Yeah.

I think, well, I haven't shit in like three days.

So I'm feeling really backed up.

Yeah.

Do you have anything here?

You guys must have.

We definitely have.

What do you have?

I mean, I'm sure we have some like fiber.

Yeah.

But are you drinking Metamucil regularly, especially at our age?

Well, I took Shamshena last night.

Look at that face.

That's hospital.

So that made me think about not shitting.

My champion.

Do you know, you two ladies, being that you're both lesbians, need to get your

vaginas ready to go?

If you die, I'm not going to another guy.

And you're stuck in your mouth.

Stuck

that.

Sexual organ, the vagina, and uterus, and your mouth.

Fuck off.

I hate it.

I hate them so much.

Now your face gets tightened.

You are not settled down.

Because this muscle and this muscle are very connecting together.

No, they're not connecting.

And you have this pivot floor tightening.

Pivic floor.

You don't get old.

And your vagina is tight.

And you enjoy life, enjoy sex life with your husband, and the husband enjoy your vagina.

There you go.

All right.

I literally just thought about when I was sexually.

I swear on my life, I just had a flashback of when I was sexually.

I'm watching that.

Yeah, I'm not kidding.

You think I'm joking?

Do you guys want to practice real quick?

That was really good.

You have to connect your bagana to your daughter and not the button.

What the fuck?

This guy is the literal something.

He's disgusting.

Who is this?

I hate it.

He is

Mantakia.

He's like one of the, they're probably the leading Taoist

sex teacher in the world.

Oh my God.

But just he, so

he mostly tells men to like rub their, they need to sharpen their swords.

So he says that's

them talking about

rub, rub, rub, rubber, rub 50 times this way, 50 times this way, 50 times this way.

Oh my god, every day.

Seriously, I have to go on more medication.

I'm so freaked out.

Play it again.

Oh my god.

Do you realize that the worst thing that this guy has probably, he doesn't even know has ever happened is that somebody watched his video and goes, this reminded me of when I was assaulted.

I know.

I'm serious.

Were you assaulted by a Chinese man?

If I was assaulted by a Chinese man, I couldn't even watch this.

No.

No, he was Japanese.

But the thing is,

well, I'll never eat sushi again.

Yeah.

Because it involves sushi, who was really aggressive.

Yeah.

Put a whole roll in at one time.

Anyway, I just wish it wasn't crunchy.

I, um, that was so stupid what I just said.

Will you fucking kill me?

No.

Isn't it crazy how much we need to be liked?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's the it's the baseline thing that I think ties all comedians together.

Yeah.

Like

at the simplest base level, it is a need for, hey, will you please like me?

I know.

That's the name of my production company, Please Like Me Production.

For real?

I swear I'm like, what?

Yeah.

I told somebody this because I did a podcast.

We were talking all about why people, I go, look,

all comics will say different things and different backgrounds.

I go, at their core, all of us are going, please like me.

Of course.

Yeah, please like me.

That's all we need.

And then no matter how much, you know what I've said.

When they clap, stand up, standing, I'm like, it'll never fill the hole sit down like it's not gonna do anything yeah that's the part where I'm at now where like if I'll do stand up and I'll feel really good about myself after and then I'll be like yeah but I'm gonna be depressed tomorrow no

it's not real no you have to do it from inside from I know you know you have to do the work which I'm not willing to do I'm so tired

yeah the work is too much man it really is too much it's a lot it's never ending no I know there's no end to therapy.

There's no end.

Fuck.

I know.

So what do we do, dude?

It's just maintain until we die?

I think you just try to stay alive.

I mean, that's how I am right now.

Like, I just try to stay.

Yeah, just try to just get out of bed in the morning.

And

hold on, sorry.

But

also,

just look as good as you can.

Can you put that hand down?

Because I'm Jewish.

Do you remember that?

But also.

She was sharing her heart.

I was sharing her heart.

Oh, okay.

She was like, my heart goes out to you.

Oh.

It's normal.

But also, I was raising my hand, hand, you fucking Jewish.

No, I was raising my fucking hand.

I do hate you.

No, it was.

I have a question.

I had a question.

It was an adamant.

I do not hate the Jews.

I have a question.

I thought you said, get on the train.

I didn't know what you had said when you did that.

Are you leaving yet?

I have a question.

Your special was amazing.

Go ahead.

Yeah, but I'm saying, too, don't you think, and I learned this

two hands because she felt self-conscious.

Yes.

That I felt when I was sick, I would put on makeup every, before I went down for every fucking surgery, I had three, I would go full hair and makeup.

Because when I woke up, yes, I wanted to be like, what?

Like, I wanted to be cute.

And now that I'm getting older and losing my looks, I mean, I see how important it is to look your fucking best.

And I'm not saying, you know, you have to do surgeries, but just present yourself with a fucking thing of dignity in the world.

Have dignity and pride in your looks.

I think that's really great, and it's important for your relationship, too.

It is.

It really is.

Because

I know sometimes when someone's partner, whether it's a man or a woman, just lets it all go and just fucking, you know, it's difficult for the other person.

It's not who they were with originally.

What happened when people are like, meet somebody and they haven't seen in a while, they're like, what happened?

The most horrible thing.

Yeah, not even like they don't look great.

What happened?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you go through something really terrible?

Yeah.

No, I've just been living life.

They're like, oh.

Even just like emotionally, when one person stops growing or becoming curious about the world, or I just, I know someone who just divorced and they're in their 70s.

And she's like, yeah, I wanted to travel and do things.

And he just wants to stay home all the time.

Yeah.

That's rough, though.

That's fucking really rough.

Yeah.

To be in your 70s.

I agree.

It's really.

And the person would be like, well, I'm just, you know, I feel I want to see shit.

And the other person's like, I'm old.

I want to stay here.

I know.

They just.

But I think, honestly, some people might look at it like,

I'm going to pass soon.

Like, and I better just go out and do my own thing.

And fuck.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

That would be horrible, though.

Horrible.

Yeah.

I know.

Because who are you picking up in your last decade?

Depends how much money you have.

That's nice.

Shout out to Bill Belichick.

He just got engaged.

I just thought about it.

He just got engaged.

They were dating, but now it's right.

It's official.

Can you?

Well, let's see.

What's he going to wear?

A coffin?

I'm so happy for them.

It's a beautiful coffin.

Me too.

They are tying the knot.

Very, very excited.

He is

locking it down.

Way to go, Bill.

Where's our guy with the hair?

She's 24.

He's 73.

Oh, that's beautiful.

That's not that much of a difference.

There's a good age gap.

It's just my lifetime.

Does he even have a penis?

Oh, yeah, I was going to say, let's see them.

Scroll down there.

I get it.

He's hot.

The cool thing is, there was also reports that since they started dating, her real estate portfolio has grown by $8 million.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah.

That's so weird.

He's like, what do you want to get?

She's like, a lot of house.

Smart bitch.

A lot of house.

I want another house.

Smart.

In terms of bitches, that's how you do it.

Yeah.

Don't ask for hair.

I love soccer.

That's so cool.

And also our haircut guy, the orange haircut guy.

Yeah.

He got a new girlfriend, too.

Oh, you're talking about

Mark Babus?

Yeah.

Oh, this guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He got.

Oh, my God.

They have the same lips.

Look at the far right picture.

Can we discuss

for a second?

Oh, my God.

That's a cool haircut.

Oh, my God.

Did you see this man?

He owns the Raiders.

Can you blow up that face?

I'm in the mood for pancakes.

But the haircut accentuates the face.

Do you understand what's happening?

This guy's happy and he's just out living his life.

So Jessica, he insists on going out of his way to the barber that gives him this haircut every time.

So he drives something like 500 miles every time he drives away.

Yeah, he drives a minivan and he drives it round trip like a few hours to get his haircut.

To get it this way.

And he likes it.

And she claims, I read, she claims that she didn't know who he was.

You know what I love about that, though?

About the haircut is that it just speaks to like he's definitely mentally ill.

Oh, you know what I mean?

He's beyond, he's a killer.

That's a killer.

That's not like

back out of that, back out one and go to the second row, third.

I knew that was the one you were going to be.

Exactly.

Holy shit.

How he looks when he fucking kills.

That is exactly.

When he sees life leave someone's eyes, that's the expression you see.

He's like, she's dead.

I'm so sorry to hear about the funeral.

He's also one of these guys, by the way.

I've met him, and he was a super nice guy.

I bet.

And one of these former players was like, yeah, you know, Mark's one of these guys where people always talk about his haircut.

And the minute people would stop talking about his haircut, he probably wouldn't get his haircut like that.

But he's just like, well, fuck y'all if you're going to talk about my haircut.

I'm like, that is the dumbest reasoning you could have for

keeping this haircut.

It's like, oh, you're going to keep talking about it.

Well, yeah, it looks like a toupee, it does.

Yeah, it's not, no, no, no, that's his real hair.

Yeah, you're right.

He's got hair.

It's such a waste.

You know what's amazing?

I just want to say this because it says a lot.

He probably had a good child.

He loves himself.

Yeah, he does.

Like, no matter what, it's amazing to me.

It depends on how you were brought up.

I know.

It really does.

I'm like, so, I constantly tell my kids how beautiful they are because I want them to

feel good about themselves.

It's huge.

Do you think that what I'm going to show you here is funny or not?

Horrible or hilarious?

Here we go.

Got our answer.

That scream was like, it was the Tarzan scream.

It was.

He did a full Tarzan.

That scream is the craziest thing I've ever.

It's totally insane.

Okay, first of all.

Look at.

Oh my God.

Now it's.

Oh!

Now it's traumatized.

See, that's what happened?

That can't be the real scream.

That's what's on here.

It can't be.

I know.

It has an echo on it.

That feels fake.

Okay, first of all, in the beginning, it was funny.

Yeah.

Because I always laugh when people fall

or crash.

Not crash, but into each other, whatever.

Now it's unbelievably traumatizing.

Yeah.

The second one.

It events a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you think?

I mean, I love people falling.

That's not falling, though.

That's an extreme act, like collision.

Yeah, I enjoy it because I don't, like, if it's, if it was gory, then I'd be like, oof, like, if you see something right.

But the fact that you don't see much and you hear a funny scream, that always makes me laugh.

yeah did anyone die i don't think so i mean we could still we could hope i don't know um

i didn't like it you didn't like that one record you and jessica are both mentally ill so it should well laugh i mean yeah

what's going on here

what is that

was that a person yeah that's not great

a person

coming out of a car that was clearly going really fast.

And then they get thrown against this truck.

I hope they didn't break their arm.

But here's the thing.

Here's the update.

They're okay.

No, they're not.

No, they're not.

That person lost their head.

Yeah.

Well, that was real.

That scared the shit out of me.

It's unconfirmed, but there is a possibility that he didn't make it.

he was thrown against a truck at 100 miles an hour and it might be that he didn't make it.

Oh my god, I can't handle you.

Holy shit.

Holy shit, it looks like a goat being thrown against

that's not even a human.

Holy fuck.

I mean, it did look like a goat.

It did.

It did.

Yeah, I'm surprised.

Can you imagine if we heard that?

That's really good.

Thanks.

I've been practicing for like 20 years.

I'm not even lying.

Can you do it?

You have to do that, right?

You have to do the full weight.

I've literally been practicing since the 90s, okay?

That's good, right?

You're welcome.

That was amazing.

Thank you.

I cannot believe that video you just showed me.

Yeah, that was crazy.

That was traumatizing.

Are you kidding?

I'm so used to it, though.

This is, babe, it's Tuesday.

This is my movie.

Yeah.

This is my life, bro.

It is true.

She usually hears, she knows that if I'm in a good mood by the types of screaming she hears on my phone,

if I'm late, she's like, oh, you're happy.

You're listening to like black people yell.

Oh, maybe you can answer me listen.

My husband only falls asleep to genocide, homicide, kidnapping, terrorism.

Are lesbians the same way?

Do you think that's just unique to men?

No, it's not unique.

I can't do it, but

yeah, my ex would watch like horrible, you know,

shows.

Always.

Like police shows.

La la la.

You're going to bed now with like homicide, genocide.

Are you all relaxed now, ready to close your eyes?

I know.

It's not, excuse me.

It's not just a guy thing.

Okay.

Yeah, it's a dike thing.

Check this out.

This is cool.

Oh my God, is he going to fuck that thing?

Just warn me, because that's worse than...

No, really?

That's what I think, too.

That's what I thought when I saw it.

I like that one.

This is what it's like to fuck Mark Davis.

You're that 24-year-old girl.

If you are 24 and you fucking.

It sounds like an old Jewish one.

Aye, aye, aye.

You should expect those things.

That camel looks like it's gone through fucking hell.

Yeah.

Like it was thrown into a car.

Like, that camel looks like it's literally a baby.

And it sounds sounds like it's like the 10th person to stop him where he's like, I can't, not anymore.

Like, huh.

Like, he's just, yeah.

Like, he's just been climbing up.

Look at that guy's face.

Yeah.

He's like, this is going to feel good.

He's like, wait till I get my dick.

They're fucking the shit out of that camel.

Oh, my God.

That's so horrible.

They feel good.

Well, you know why?

I'm not going to say it out loud.

Are you kidding me?

I went to what we've been saying.

Standing.

That is the perfect level.

for a little person.

Fuck camel.

Do you know what I mean?

Fun camel, a family.

That size camel.

It's like the perfect size for

what these guys are doing.

You know what I mean?

Is he standing up earlier?

Like if you go.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, look.

See?

Yeah.

He's at the perfect height.

He's standing right behind it.

It looks like.

Yeah.

That's what these guys do.

Oh.

I've been there.

I've been to this country.

What country is this?

Isn't this Seattle?

Yeah, yeah.

This is downtown.

Atlanta.

Oh, my God.

Look.

You watch these videos and keep it.

He's choking it while he's fucking it.

My God.

We cannot coexist.

We cannot live with you.

We are different.

That should be a fucking diplomatic speech that the Secretary of State gives when he gets there.

We are different.

We will not be like you.

Thank you very much.

We will never be the same.

Oh, God.

That's the truth.

God damn.

God damn, master.

Master.

Master.

God, Jimmy Walker looks horrible.

He shrunk.

That's a I I show speed.

That's like a huge, huge Twitch streamer YouTuber.

I guess he's

trying to learn a little bit about the Shaolin monk lifestyle.

You're supposed to be quiet.

Yeah, you're definitely not supposed to go, God damn, master, for sure.

You're not supposed to.

God damn, master.

Well, I'm glad it was an Asian guy.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, seriously.

Oh, my God.

If it were a white guy.

If it were a white guy, and he's just like, God damn,

master.

master.

He says it so funny.

Master.

Master.

Master.

He hit the fuck out of his shoulder.

But what did he expect it to feel like?

I don't know.

I'm shocked.

I thought they were probably like, oh, this is like, I'm new, you know, it's training.

Master.

Yeah.

Me and my girl ears.

I love the guy just holding him.

Like,

what is that?

It's okay.

Everyone feels like this.

It's okay.

I hold you.

No hurts, no hurts alone.

This is the first time.

No hurt bad.

You're talking.

That fucking hurts, man.

That is what that guy said.

He's trying to talk him out of his feelings.

You're okay.

You good?

No, this is not too bad.

They're not too bad.

It's your first time.

It's okay.

Oh, it's okay.

I hold you.

He hit the fuck out of the shoulder.

Look at how smile.

Look at that guy.

He's smiling in the back.

He's like, yeah.

He's like, I love a hit at black.

And they make a noise.

I hit a black with a stick.

I want to hit black for years.

Always dancing and loud, and now I hit them.

I wish I could play basketball like him.

Oh!

God.

Oh,

ah.

That one was intense.

Yeah, right.

The third one you just did.

I gotta take a piss.

You gotta piss?

I gotta piss.

Okay.

I'm drinking a lot of water.

All right.

Go piss, man.

I got a piss.

Hurry up.

Hurry up.

Don't pull out my tampon string.

You're going to the tampon place right now.

Don't pull out my tampon string.

What a bitch.

Such a bitch.

So, are you on tour?

You're on tour right now?

Yeah, I'm like you.

I'm always on tour.

The never ends.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's really,

when I'm, I'm a little freaked out about the summer because like I'm taking it down, dude.

You are?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

But it's like, then I get itchy.

Of course.

I know.

The first couple of weeks you're like, this is great.

And then you're like, wait, what am I doing?

I know.

I'm not working.

Yeah, my life is over.

My career is ending.

Always.

I know.

How long are you?

When are you stopping your tour?

So

basically

after this weekend.

Oh.

Yeah.

I'm done.

I have one gig in June.

Yeah.

And then my next gig after that's August 28th.

Wow.

I'm doing more than that just because I just need to keep working and stuff.

But I, where are you this weekend?

Where am I?

I don't even know.

That's how I am.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't even know where I am right now.

Yeah.

I barely do.

I barely do.

And I.

I don't know how you do it.

When people say that to me, I'm like, whatever.

But you really work fucking hard.

It's been

a couple of years.

Yeah.

A few years of just

grinding it out.

We did some gigs together that was super fun.

Oh, my God.

I love that.

Half of them got rained out.

Which was the the best.

Amazing.

Yeah.

There were like six and we did three or something like that.

It's amazing.

And then they're like, yeah, you're getting paid, but there's no show.

I'm so sorry.

Can we set up more of these?

Could you set up more gigs where we don't have to do them?

Yeah, you said to our agent, Can you just always get us booked in Canada during this season when it rains?

Yeah.

Can you do outdoor-only tours for me?

Yeah.

In like perilous weather places.

That would be awesome.

In Antarctica.

Yeah, just fully insure it.

But yeah.

Yeah.

That was more shocking than the guy flying into the.

I'm serious.

That shocked me what just happened.

Also, can you just process

the level of disrespect?

Honestly, to the two of us.

Yeah, because it was, first of all, let's talk about it.

It was planned.

Yeah.

She held it.

It was very aggressive.

No, you knew it was coming and you waited to sit down.

Just be honest.

And it was

that was not just one.

Yeah.

But she gave it extra expression.

And there were tears to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like,

like the second one was

you're more so get to be a lesbian now that you just blew it out your ass.

It's so disgusting.

You're so vile.

And it's, you know, what's you're going to die laughing.

It was two, right?

Yeah.

I have an obsession with the number three, and I swear on my life, it's killing me that she didn't do a third.

Oh my gosh, she can.

Can you just do one more?

You think I'm joking?

It'll make me

hold on.

Fuck, you have to.

Just wait, just wait.

Does it have to have a time limit on it?

No, just before I leave, or I'm going to have a horrible day.

Oh, there'll be 30 more before you leave.

You have them in the chamber, too.

No, I don't.

Can he finish this sequence?

It doesn't matter.

I just need to have someone else.

Do any of you guys have to fart?

Fortunately not.

My manager, Adam's here.

Adam, do you have to fart?

I wish I could.

I'll work on it for you, babe.

You're unbelievable, dude.

I haven't farted on this show in so long.

We used to have a fart on it.

It was a lot.

Yeah, I've heard a lot of farts on, but it was ah, ah, like it was.

Is that my daughter's dance recital?

What the fuck was that?

Can I tell you something too, Jess?

It's just a testament to how comfortable I knew you were going to say I love you so much.

How much I love you.

I would never do this for another guest.

There's no one.

Ever not.

No one be honest with me.

No, just you be.

I know I love you so much.

I thought that.

You were lucky girl.

I knew you would like it.

I thought that when you did it.

I'm like, she loves me.

I don't ever have that thought.

Why don't you, Beef?

Let's have some roast beef from you.

I don't have anything.

I wouldn't do that to Jessica.

Yes, you would.

Okay, I would.

Ted, I don't have one.

You've probably done it in an elevator to like joke around with me or something.

Probably.

Yeah.

I

kill me.

The both of you kill me.

You want to show Jess some of these cool videos that you put in here?

Yeah, dude.

Okay, Jess.

Christina

curated some of these.

These are from her collection.

Yeah.

Tomorrow I'm getting permanently sterilized by having my fallopian tubes removed.

So I decided to throw a little celebration for that and to celebrate the fact that I've made the choice to not have kids.

Women tend to only be celebrated when they get engaged, get married, or have a baby, and it's rare to see them celebrated as individuals for their accomplishments outside of the family.

So it was really important to me to make sure that I dedicated time and space to celebrate myself and my life-changing decision that I'm making.

And I'm so excited about it.

Yeah.

Can I tell you that this type of chick, I feel like, only evolved in the last 10 years.

I think you have not even

five years, don't you?

The one who goes, it's time to celebrate that

I'm not getting married.

And then they'll throw a party.

Or even worse, I'm marrying myself.

Remember that.

Oh my god, that was.

Yeah.

This is what stupid bitches are doing because they can't meet life's criterion and then they celebrate their failure.

And then this chick is like, I'm not having babies.

That's amazing.

I'm not having babies.

So here's a cake I got to sell.

Like, you can't just not have babies.

I know.

I really, well, I mean, anyone who would make fun of this would, she tapped her stomach.

What's in there?

Well, there's a lot of stuff.

She's getting.

Well, I'm saying she's getting tubes removed, not the baby.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not making fun of her.

I'm disgusting.

I am.

I think that, look, it's look, lots of people choose not to have children, but to make a thing out of it seems a little mentally ill, right?

Yeah, this kind of stuff is, is, I have to say, is mentally ill to me.

Like, look, if I were to be like,

it's not happy.

It's like she's about to kill someone.

There's a lot of, in my opinion, there's a lot of anger behind it.

Well, that's a totally manufactured smile, right?

That's not a genuine smile.

She hates her mommy and daddy.

Because that would be like me being like, I'm so happy I got a mastectomy, a double mastectomy.

I'm celebrating my double mastectomy.

It's like, nobody really wants.

Yeah,

I agree.

Maybe it's not a good analogy because she voluntarily, I don't know.

We don't know.

We don't know her story.

Maybe she has problems, physical problems.

Well, that's different.

But I think her announcing to people, it's like very much like, don't tell me what to fucking do.

Don't tell me if I should have a baby or not.

It's my own body.

I can just, you know, right.

Like, I think it's great.

Whatever she decides to do.

It's a very kind of passive-aggressive video.

Yeah, that's what I feel.

Don't fucking tell me.

You know why?

You know why?

Because of her fucking, her sister, Debbie.

And Debbie's got five kids, and everybody pays attention to Debbie.

Yeah.

And then her parents are always like, why can't you be more like Debbie?

Debbie.

Deb.

Yeah.

That's why.

And now she's like,

five.

You have none.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Well, the turning around, the twirling around, the cake, the whole thing, it's really extreme.

The twirl.

I've never twirled.

I've never twirled in my life.

Come on.

Come on.

Twirl.

Twirl.

Can you imagine twirling if you'd have to feel in the world?

I'm in my hotel.

I know him.

Wait a second.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Jessica.

Totally nude.

Jessica.

Wait.

Oh, thank you so much.

There you go.

I really feel better.

Got it.

Because I have to do everything.

Like, if I take toilet paper, it's three

at a time.

I'm not kidding.

I have to my alarm on my phone,

my car, three times.

Yeah, I have a problem.

Oh, well, that's like a real ACD.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if she didn't fart a third time, you know, this guy, you said

just keep going.

He might be a comedian.

No.

I um

I'm in my hotel

totally nude.

nude.

Oh my gosh.

That's cool.

On a serious issue.

Oh.

It is always

historically

the situation where

young generation view

generation as out of touch.

Right.

The mouth thing is.

A lot of things are changing.

Like you're close.

All over the world.

All over the world.

All over the world.

Oh my God, something's wrong.

I'm not kidding.

I feel like there's smoked salmon in his teeth.

It's even worse.

Texting.

Like he just had a bagel with onion and nova.

What is going on with this fucking guy?

For real.

Stop touching yourself, bro.

I like the touch.

Somehow, having a conversation.

Conversation.

Watch.

You remember that word?

I think he's a comedian.

I swear.

Barry.

That's a definitely.

Yes, his name.

What?

His name's Barry.

Barry Ribbs?

Yes.

Yeah, you nailed it.

Oh, my God.

You guys thought I was.

I'm sorry, I just freaked out, but I cannot.

Now I feel sexual.

From Barry.

I love that we both.

And you know him.

I do.

You've probably been at a show with him.

He's a really nice guy, but I don't even know what he just said.

I'm not kidding.

I'm really not saying this to be funny.

I have no idea what he just said.

Oh, yeah.

There he is.

Why is that woman the first picture?

The hottie?

That's his colour.

He's just like, she's my Bella chick.

Get it?

Bella chick.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

Yeah.

Okay.

She seems like a cool chick.

Is this your opener?

This is the guy you're bringing with you?

This is my agent.

What's Barry doing here?

The Diddy Collection.

He's doing real cool guy stuff.

Wait a second.

This is wild that you need to.

I swear I'm like.

There's a theme here.

There's probably a picture with me somewhere.

Oh, no.

Is that me kissing him?

There's some big titted broads on his feet.

I thought that this was just...

I had no idea that this was his feet.

I'm so.

Can I tell you something?

In all the years we've been doing these, this has never happened.

Where a guest goes, I know that guy.

Never.

Don't you?

I mean, never.

If I'm on this, you guys are going to die.

Because he's a huge fan of mine.

Really?

Huge.

He texted me last week.

Holy shit.

You gave him your number?

I've known him for years.

Wait, was that my ass?

Okay.

He has done some of my

stuff and tagged me and done silly stuff.

If you look at always be silly on somehow on his thing, it's my tag and he's doing something I've done.

Really?

Yeah.

Go to one of his speaking ones where he's.

Yeah.

What's he doing here?

Power Z B

and that could run the gamut.

Let's say cleaning his teeth again.

Okay.

My God, his mouth looks like a heart.

All right.

The smoked salmon, everything bagel, smoked salmon.

Yeah, with onion.

It has to have red onion.

A lot of it.

A lot of it.

He loves red onion.

Trust me.

Money

in my pocket.

I hope he doesn't kill me now.

Orgasmic.

I'm speechless.

We got to cut this out.

I don't want you to get murdered.

Jessica Curson said, I'm silly.

What?

This has never happened in the history of YMH.

What did he say?

Jessica Curson said, Do you understand how fucking crazy this is that you guys played his video

and you just clicked on one video?

What is he saying?

Jessica's what?

My tagline.

This is so fucking crazy.

my tagline for for 20 years has been always be silly always has been that so he's does videos sometimes and says

well i'll tell you what i like this berry guy um

yep he's on to something he's got something going on this is wild and of course this is so funny that you're like i know that guy like and he fucking shouts you out yeah a lot in a video yeah he's got chances he'll just come to shit.

Like, he came to the stress factory the last time I was there.

This was years ago, and just watches me and says, You're great.

Like, he hasn't been.

You say women aren't funny?

They make you feel small, etc.

Jessica Kirsten is all over America, especially Pizza College.

That's very sweet.

That's very sweet.

And he's right.

Yeah.

I mean, he's very supportive.

Yeah.

Wow, that was fucking surreal.

That was pretty awesome.

Yeah.

That was crazy.

I mean, I don't know how you play it on here, but that was.

We're going to

hopefully get more videos.

I won't show up, I won't show up.

I want to show up.

Does that arouse you at all?

Like, would you like a partner that did this?

Was this right before a school shooting?

Okay.

Yeah.

That is so, that might be one of the top most disturbing ones.

Thank you.

How do you feel about it?

Oh, I love it.

This stuff gets me.

It's like energy.

What is this for, though?

So there's this thing called Little Space where mentally ill gen zers are like, I need to get into my little space.

So, he's taking a break from his day job and going into his car to get into his little space.

It's so stupid.

I want my

Baba.

I want my Baba.

This generation is so fucking doomed.

These guys are.

I really, yeah.

I change my diet.

I make a boom, boom.

Hold on.

We have to check in with Annie.

How do you feel, Ennie, right now?

This, I mean, that doesn't, I mean, he should probably get beat up or something.

But it doesn't bug me, though.

It's whatever.

He should probably get beat up.

But this doesn't affect you the way

male black homosexuality.

Nah, there's no cop in his mouth.

So

there's no black dicks.

Well, he's not gay, right?

No, no, but you know, and he's black, and you know, black guys are like, I don't play no gay shit when it comes to like.

Oh, so he's a homophobe?

No, no, he just doesn't like when black guys do gay.

Like, he's just like, what the fuck?

He doesn't like seeing it in video.

No, he's not a homophobic.

He just doesn't like when black men touch each other.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's not into that.

You want to see something he doesn't like?

Yeah.

Show me.

Here's some shit he doesn't like.

Oh.

Look at him shaking his head.

So we play stuff like that for him.

Because I know he won't like it.

Where hates it.

He's on camera six.

He's at camera six right there.

He hates it so much.

I can't take it.

Yeah.

Well, he's not even smiling.

No.

No.

Oh, he's like that.

Yeah.

It upsets him.

Like, look, we all have our wheelhouse videos that upset us.

For me, I don't like guys being super horny.

I hate it when guys are like, oh, make you come.

I'll look at the pussy.

I'm like, that shuts me down.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say that I'm whatever phobic that is, but I just don't like seeing that.

Well, it's horny guys.

I get that a lot.

I understand that.

Me too.

What's your.

You're turned on.

See?

That's how it's been my whole life.

Oh.

You know,

public transportation guy.

This is the guy on the subway that did that to you when you were like 12, you know?

I know, and I shouldn't have fucked him.

Such a big mistake.

This is really intense.

It's intense.

That's an intense ass.

Yeah.

Guy's got a great body.

He's a great shape.

I know.

Yeah.

Wait, what's your video?

What shuts you down?

Oh, boy.

I don't know.

I mean, I think like aggressive, aggressive men like that, too, I can't.

But the way they're like, yeah, come on.

Yeah, I'll fucking

make you.

That's like a joke I have about when straight guys, when I was coming out, I'd be like, I can change you.

You just haven't had the right guy.

You know, I hate that shit.

Of course.

I'll make you come.

This guy, I hate him so much.

I hate him.

I've been playing 10, 15 times before I even went boom once.

Does he fuck them with his nose?

Does he have a really big nose or it's just up close?

I don't think it's the best angle for him, but it is a sizable schnauz.

It's very disturbing.

Yeah.

I feel that way.

I'm also not into like,

like, I cannot watch someone being like tortured or

like any kind of assault or that kind of thing.

I can't watch it.

What's your thing?

Oh, I know.

I know, because I find them

nose picking and nose eating.

Oh, my God.

Booger and nose eating.

I fucking hurl, dude.

Hates booger.

What did you do when your kids did that?

They don't eat their books.

They would never like boogieers.

I know.

It's really bad.

I see it today.

Like, it could be in a video and I'll be like,

I'm going to start to dry here.

Like the camel.

Oh, ah.

Ah.

Ah.

The camel.

The camel

was my first time to see bigger people.

There are not many big people in Japan

because a lot of Japanese people are very disciplined.

We believe that the harmony is very important.

So if you are too big and then you stand out too much and then it kind of destroys the harmony in the society in a way.

So image is massively important.

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Image.

I love that they, in the caption, they just wrote fat, where she's like,

that's why I was laughing.

They're like, well, you are too fat.

Didn't they say pig at some point?

I think she said big and they wrote pig.

Yeah.

What is that?

What is this show?

Is this a show?

Yeah.

It looks like a BBC4, probably.

Yeah.

It's pretty great, though, right?

Because most cultures are like that.

They're like, you can't be four bills, dude.

I know.

Sticking out.

But what would make them want to go and be told that

they were fat, get out of our country?

Somebody was just like, you want to have a good meal?

And they were like, yeah.

And this lady's going to come talk to you.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that's amazing.

It's an intervention.

Yeah.

She's like, oh, interesting.

We've never seen people that look like a fan.

That's a good show.

If they did an international intervention.

Fat intervention?

They send you when you're really fat to Asia and and you just get shamed into losing weight.

That's actually a great idea.

Well, the Koreans have, like in some of the parks, you know, they have that structure

that has like slots that are like for a certain width.

And they go fit through this and you're healthy.

If you can't fit through this, you're a big fatty.

You've big fat fuck.

Stop being kill yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fat motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah, they do.

And it's out there.

It's like it's in public.

Can you imagine getting stuck in it?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

It has to have happened.

I mean,

I used to have to ask for an seatbelt extender, and that was horrific.

Horrific, right?

Horrific.

Tell me about the first one.

I tried to make it quiet.

I was like, hi, do you have a what?

What do you need?

I need a seat.

Okay, so you need a seat connector.

Like, it was really.

Yeah.

Once I was on a tiny plane doing a gig in like the Midwest, and this, and there were only like six of us on the plane, you know, one of those.

And

the, the, uh,

the, I almost just said housekeeper, the

the flight attendant

the flight attendants like um do you have your like in front of her and she was heavy i'll never forget this she was heavy and she's like do you have um is your seat belt fastened i had a i used to put a like a jacket over it and i'm like

she's like i need to see i never forget this because she was hat very heavy

and i had to show her and she's like that's not fastened let me get you a center i'm like you're a

like you're that that, it was really horrible.

She should have just discreetly, like, here.

Yeah.

Like, knowing how it feels like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like she tried to basically try to shame you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was really unbelievable.

That's not nice.

Yeah.

I've seen them discreetly hand.

Yeah, me too.

I've been on flights where I try to get one for Bert.

I've been like, hey, can you give me a seatbelt extender?

And they're like, what?

I go, can you get him a seatbelt extender?

And they're like,

okay.

You just brought rope and tied him around the seat.

This is so you can fit better.

Did you find the slots, Josh Lolo?

You gotta see this, Jessica.

It's softer installed by the local health authority.

The sign says your belly fat can change.

So you pass through these gaps to measure your belly.

I could fit in any of those.

So we have skinny, slim, standard.

Yes, you could.

Chubby.

Standard?

Standard or chubby?

No, you're not fat.

This literally says you're in trouble.

For me, I failed standard.

Failed standard.

Oh,

see, this is the timing.

And they're calling him chubby.

Yeah.

This guy.

Welcome to Korea.

That's very bad.

He's chubby.

He's chubby.

Yeah.

That guy looks like he weighs like 175 pounds.

That's not a lot.

Not even that.

I don't know if you can see that.

Maybe less.

Yeah.

Maybe once again, they're like, you're chubby or disgrace to family and the nation.

I think they should have these before a flight attendant can check in for her job to get on the plane and call you a fatty yeah i know because they have to enforce stuff as well big barb who's

she walks down the aisle

you have so much attitude and you're like

holy shit they're so mean and then you fly international flights where you're like oh they have these angels working on i know they really are amazing the international

cafe pacific yeah wherever wherever women are treated the worst they have the best best service oh my god that's so true like you the arab emergency they know their value they know their value value.

Yeah.

You know, they're like,

this is what I'm worth.

So I'll bring it to work.

Yeah, they're like, if I want to stay alive, I better go back and ask her what she wants.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So true.

I don't want to be fucking beheaded.

Yeah.

I'll do a good job today.

Oh, my God.

It's directly proportional.

It is.

I have to say this.

If you have not yet, you need to go on Hulu and see I'm the man.

It's Jessica Kerson's new special.

She is absolutely one of the best comedians working in the world today.

So fucking funny.

Just fantastic.

So much.

So

we were saying, like, when you were taking your shit, we were talking about how much fun we had on the road because we did some gigs together.

Oh, that's right.

That's right.

And I'm so glad he took you.

I know.

He did it.

Not that he took me.

He's amazing.

No, it's the fact.

This is the thing.

Tom has been one of the guys.

who has helped me and taken him under his wing because, you know,

like, yes, you have.

So is Bill Burr.

These are

the lady comics.

He was very good to me early, too.

So shout out to her.

He produced this special, the lady.

Amazing.

I mean, it's like if it weren't for these guys, because none of the female comics ever took me on the road to open for them.

I mean,

it's so funny, though.

Yeah.

Well, you know what we're doing.

You couldn't know.

I wouldn't follow you.

Bill and I both say, pussy's pussy.

You know what I mean?

Hey, that's what's up.

I know.

Yeah.

I mean, it's

don't repeat why you did that last summer.

But anyway, yeah.

yeah.

Invisalign, still, I'm still recovering.

Thank you guys

for watching.

Thank you for listening.

Jessica, thank you for coming in today.

I love you.

Thank you.

You're brilliant.

I love you guys.

You're so my favorite.

We'll see you guys next week.

Bye, Mommy.

Norman Summerton.

Paul's cock.

Stupid, useless tiny.

Paul's cock.

Little pathetic cock.

Pig has no rope, no string.

So it's gonna have to use this.

This pig

leash.

Nice and tiny for my

mistress.

So they mean by my balls.

Little pathetic cock.

Pigstacles.

Pigstacles.

Okay,

stupid,

stupid balls.

Pig balls.

Pig cock.

Pig balls.

Pig cock.

Here comes a little cock.

Aw, I can't even see it's so small.

I'm gonna fucking lose her.

Balls, pig stickles, pig stickles, balls, and cock.

I'm gonna fucking move there.

Cock sucking, bisexual, pimping,

pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink,

little pathetic cocks.