Mike Birbiglia Cracked Up The Pope | Your Mom's House Ep. 810

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What's everybody?

Next Thursday, May 22nd, I'll be bringing my come together tour to Springfield, Massachusetts to Mass Mutual Center.

Get tickets now at tomskura.com/slash tour.

I cannot wait to see you there.

Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Okay, let's go, fart dogs.

Fart, let's go.

Don't don't keep the the Sharkeshin!

Don't kick them!

No, don't kick them!

No!

Oh my god!

Holy

Shark Week!

It's a bad week.

Sharkesha, no!

That's a deep cut.

Deep cut.

Sharkesha, no.

That took the internet webs by storm.

That was also a ghost crew track

back in the day.

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House Podcast.

Yeah.

Today, Bad Thoughts is out.

Bad Thoughts is Out, but it's been out, right?

It's been out for a week or two.

It comes out tomorrow.

Oh.

Oh, it's been out for a day.

Oh, my God.

If you haven't yet watched Bad Thoughts, please check it out.

It's on Netflix.

It was an absolute blast to make this show.

Here's the show poster.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's actually...

Oh, God, is Burt doing an almost exact same show as me?

That's crazy.

I guess Netflix has a hit on their hand.

Yeah, they want to make another one.

I want to do another one.

Damn.

He looks good.

He does look good.

Who made that?

We got to shout him out.

Sorry, let me check.

But anyway, no.

It really was an amazing experience to make this show.

And I really appreciate it.

If you watch it, if you tell your friends to watch it um yeah there's so many great super talented people in it uh daniella pineda rob eiler kirk fox

uh dan stevens shea wiggum it goes on and on so many great great talented people and it was so fun to make so fun i have to uh also give a shout out both to your credit and to rob eiler that rob eiler went into acting retirement for 20 years yeah and this project brought rob eiler out of retirement isn't that crazy?

His acting credits go The Sopranos, Bad Thoughts.

That's pretty amazing.

That's the last time he acted.

It's pretty amazing.

He's so good.

He's so talented.

And also, I mean, am I allowed to spoiler alert a little bit about there's a Stephen Seagal thing?

Yeah, sure.

So I was on just like TikTok scrolling today, and Stephen Seagal was there.

Yeah.

And it was.

a replica of what you were making fun of i know i know you the the thing that went viral yesterday about him i texted the guys uh that we made this with and i was like i don't think we even exaggerated his size because he looks like he's like 5 000 pounds yeah and and spookily is dressed like the same way that i know

yeah uh shout out to mystic clips they made the fat thoughts trailer for birds it's really good um but yeah uh segal did you see that one did you see the segal thing By chance the Segal short?

No, no, no.

Just

the clip of him that went out like yesterday.

Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah.

Um, if you, if you don't, fuck, if you don't have it, I could probably let me see.

I could probably send it to you.

It's

you do have it, yeah.

It's crazy, dude.

Like, yeah, it really is.

He looks like the parody.

Yeah, it looks like the exact same thing.

You're like, oh, that's just the guy.

It's not even an exaggeration.

How do you go from being, I mean, he was really like a hot shit thing.

Look at him.

Look at this guy.

It's literally the joke.

Yeah.

No.

Somebody messaged me back.

I sent them to one of the guys and they were like, wait, is he fatter than your fat suit?

And I was like, I mean, it's close.

It's actually close.

It's, Tom, I think you nailed it.

I mean, he looks like he's at, first of all, he's a big fuck.

A lot of people don't know this, but he's...

He's like 6'4.

He's a big guy.

And he probably looks like he's around 350 there, maybe 360.

Wow.

Yeah.

And you got the beard, yeah,

damn, he's a house, dude.

And the um, the caption I saw was like, the Aikido champion.

This guy's an Aikido champion.

He's a world champ.

The other thing, the first top comment I saw in one of those videos, because I think there was a bunch that went out, they just said, Where's the discipline?

Because

those, you know, people like him, they preach, right?

Martial arts is like all about discipline.

And it's like, well, clearly, you have none.

No.

Zero.

Zero.

God, he should be in fat thoughts.

I know.

Really?

Well, I'm awfully happy for you.

I'm proud of your jeans.

Thank you.

It's been fun watching you have fun do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's going to be really good.

Thanks.

I'm

amazed.

I am very excited about it.

I really am.

It's

we did the premiere in LA.

Premiere was really fun.

Yeah, the screening was here and then the premiere was there.

That was a really good good time.

Yeah.

People came out and it was just kind of a festive environment.

They danced.

Lots of laughs.

Yeah.

Partied.

It was a good time.

Well, I did.

We danced for like one song.

Yeah, I enjoyed it.

You did?

I can't tell when you're having fun.

I had a good time.

Like, having fun.

I was not like.

Time your show's out today.

Great.

Come on.

You're exactly.

You seem happy today, though.

No, I am happy.

Your skin looks good.

We got some actual bad thoughts.

A fun story I'm going to show you you in a second.

Let's do the opening clip and get into the show.

Ready?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Ladies,

would you like Daddy Reese to read you a lullaby tonight

while you're running your fingers

in between your hot

thighs?

This shit is big time.

Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone mother into this.

Your mom in the fucking stand.

Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house

with Tom Segura

Super

and Christina Pozzitsi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Hot

thoughts.

You are so horned up.

I gotta tell you.

Yeah.

What's going on?

It's always, it should should be called bad thoughts.

It should be called cock thoughts.

Everything out of your brain is just a dick, dick.

No.

Pussy, pussy.

No.

You all right?

I'm fine.

Take it down and I most certainly am.

Now,

direct me

to some barely

ego yams.

Direct me there

so I can bust nut on their romps and scram.

I said you had a bad thoughts story.

You don't want to watch more Daddy Reese stuff?

I love him.

I mean, I've already know this guy.

He's a hot.

So if you watch Bad Thoughts, which

I hope you're going to do,

episode six, the final episode of the season, most of it takes place.

It's a story called Concoction,

where we drink a concoction and all these fantastic things happen.

We shot at a place called Med to Market.

Like we were shooting all over Austin, different locations.

Sometimes it was a back lot.

We shot on Robert Rodriguez's Troublemaker Studios and we had like, you know, different locations.

So this is one of the locations called Med to Market.

50-year-old Adeline Bowie at Capitol Mortuary Services, or CMS, and 53-year-old Aaron Ali, the head of Med to Market, a medical training facility, are accused of abusing a corpse by experimenting on severed arms.

Police were tipped off by a Texas Funeral Services Commission investigator who said Bowie was fraudulently using a former embalmer's name for death certificates and injecting formaldehyde into severed arms to see the effects over time.

So when we were there, there were corpses there and they were like, oh, they just say, you know, don't go in this room or don't look in here.

And there's open

windows.

Yeah, so you just like look and see a dead body.

And they'd be like, oh, we'll cover that up.

And was there an Asian lady injecting them?

I didn't see it, but.

APD says there was a project thread called Freedom Art Experiment.

Thread showed materials including photos of severed arms and discussions on tissue decomposition, mold growth, and the use of materials like fishing line to suture the specimens.

Plus, they're investigating claims of employees being told to dispose of body fluids in unapproved places.

Bowie told police about 15 bodies were experimented on with the permission of Med to Market.

Alice says they contracted with CMS for transport and cremation and told police it was embalming, not experimenting.

Well, it's got a real knucklehead over there at Med Market, but that's where we shot.

That's where we shot concoction.

That's so special.

Yeah.

What a cool

thing.

That's pretty cool that the guy was

evil doctor, basically.

Yeah.

I wonder where he disposed the fluids that were in question.

I'd be really curious to know.

I'd be curious to see.

Maybe you drank some.

Maybe.

Maybe you got to have some in your mouth.

Maybe I had some with lunch and I didn't even realize it.

What kind of experiments could you like?

What's

he was experimenting with severed arms.

I don't know.

He said to see the use of formaldehyde.

Yeah,

see if it molds and grows and deteriorates and then see how a fishing line works as a suture.

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That's helixleep.com/slash ymh for 27% off site-wide, plus free bedding bundle sheet set and mattress protector with any lux or elite mattress order that's helix sleep.com slash ymh i mean i don't know he's just having a good time it sounds like it's more of a good time it sounds like it's just somebody having fun at work maybe we should stop breaking their balls so hard you know and also i this is a really bad thought but like apropos hey tie in Is it so bad?

I mean, the person's dead already.

They must have signed up to be there, right?

Well, there's, there's certain things, too, like when you sign off, sometimes you sign off, I want, you know, my loved one to be used for science, whatever, medical research.

Yes.

And then you don't really see the fine print of what can happen.

So there was this story of a guy who, like, he signed off for his mother to be, you know,

her body to be used for science.

And then the army.

got a hold of it and used it for an explosive test.

Like, yeah, they put it in a her body in an explosions test.

Yeah, so just to see the effects of this bomb going off, they blew her body up.

And he's like, that's not what I sent my mom to you for.

But it was like, it was protected under the fine print.

Yeah.

See, this is why I'm never an organ donor.

You know, when you're

very good.

I'm like, I don't want to help anybody.

That's nice.

I don't want to get blown up.

I don't want formaldehyde injected into me.

You don't want to get fingered by the fucking coroner.

Right off.

I see.

I wear these.

I can see clearly, but I don't like them.

I look stupid.

Yeah.

It's the dilemma.

Does it like all glasses or that pair, you mean?

Oh, like if for distance, you know, but then I look like a fucking, you know, what?

Uh-huh.

Yep.

Yep.

Um, well, that's really special.

What a cool, like, behind-the-scenes story that you got to share with your fans.

Yeah.

Um, also,

got some other news for you right here.

Oh, my gosh.

How exciting is this?

Gerard Des Pardieu convicted of.

Isn't that crazy?

Gerard de Pardieu.

Well, because we've showcased showcased him like, what, 12 years ago?

We started the Gerard Des Pardieu meme.

We knew something was up.

We knew he was a look-alike for a friend of ours.

So that's what we kind of really started talking about.

And it turns out he's a big old booze bag and now a convicted

assaulter.

The French actor was found guilty of S.A.

two women on the set of a movie in which he...

assaulted oh assaulting two women on the set of a movie which he starred in 2021 he was given a suspended sentence of 18 months, which is nothing.

Yeah, this is.

The French movie star, Gerald Depardieu, was convicted by a Paris court on Tuesday of assaulting two women working on the set of a film.

He received a suspended sentence.

He will be added to the National Sex Offender Registry.

The judge also ruled that Mr.

Depardieu, now 76, paid damages of 15,000 euros, which is about 17,000 to one of the two victims, and 14,000 euros, including her medical fees to the other he was not in court for the ruling his lawyer said he would appeal the verdict was welcomed by the victims lawyers as a landmark win for french women in the post me too world for me it's a victory truly said one of the women agreed to be identified only by her first name amalie we are moving forward well that's a pretty light slap on the wrist when it comes to it i don't know if it says what uh one was a set decorator the other plaintiff

agreed to not be ident uh has not agreed to be identified as an assistant director.

They said Mr.

Duke grabbed Amali by the waist, pulled her toward him one day on the set while he was sitting down.

Then he locked her between his legs, ran his hands over her buttocks, genitals, and breasts while muttering obscenities.

Jesus Christ, dude.

The assistant director testified the actor had touched her breasts and buttocks on three occasions on set in Paris.

What does it say?

Anything below that?

The judge called their version of events coherent, consistent, and supported by other evidence.

He denied the assaults.

The actor said he was not the vulgar, rude, trashy person who makes fun of people.

He's portrayed to be.

I don't know.

It seems like an old French guy moved.

It does.

And especially he has such a sense of entitlement.

If you would look at his body and his looks, and he's considered a sex symbol in France and has been since the 90s.

And it's appalling that he's considered a sex symbol, firstly.

And secondly, the good news is he's 76 now.

He's always looked 76.

By the way.

He's grown into his age.

And if this is a culture that always has kind of let shit slide.

You know what I mean?

That is a BERT fucking duplicate, dude.

And he's nude in films.

That's how we got wind of this guy, is that he's nude like that in films, and he's the sex symbol.

Yeah.

Well, he used to look quite different if you see the older.

Even when he was with, what's her name?

And that movie Green Card is what broke him in America.

He wasn't that cute then.

Well, I like that one one right next to it

where it's covering the hushy right there.

Yeah, that one.

I like that one.

The old pull it up over the belly button move.

His hush raw.

And also, I like the suspenders with the pants to really accentuate the bulge of the stomach.

That's really cool.

I actually think Burt could do that well.

It's shirtless, you know?

Of course.

We got to get him some overalls.

Same theme.

Overalls with suspenders and no shirt.

Yeah.

That's fucking cool, man.

No, but if the French are saying that's too much,

because that's always been a culture of like, men will be men.

They will touch your breast.

They don't care.

They don't care.

Yeah.

They will whisper things in your ear.

Picture that with overalls.

Yeah.

Right?

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Very depardieuish.

And if he didn't have facial hair, we could see more of that face.

Yeah.

Very Gerard.

Yeah.

Very Gerard Depardieu.

Look at them.

They're twins.

This is crazy.

I mean.

Is that a cigarette in Gerard's hand there?

In his left hand?

Of course.

He's French, babe.

They don't give a rip.

Yeah.

Health, man.

They don't fucking care.

Looking good, GP.

But usually, don't the French fat shame?

I think they're very big on being thin.

Yeah, they do.

You're right.

So I'm shocked.

He really got away with it.

Do you remember when he pissed on a plane in the aisle?

Do you remember that?

Dude, look it up.

Look at him piss.

He pissed on a plane.

I swear to God.

I swear to God.

In the aisle.

Oh, because he's a big wino.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a big drunkie.

Yeah.

Apologizes.

French actor Jer de Pardieu apologized for the humiliating incident, which saw him removed from a flight to Dublin.

He was reurinated in front of fellow passengers after being refused permission to use a laboratory.

He urinated into a bottle.

Just stood there.

Yeah, his friends said he had prostate problems.

After being removed from the flight, he caught a later flight.

Yeah, Gerard was upset at this and offered to clean up the mess.

He pissed in the aisle.

He was stone-cold sober at the time.

Yeah, okay.

That's a little entitlement.

Okay, if he's sober, that's a lot of entitlement there.

Of course.

Come on.

And then there was a...

Also an era where they were talking about he said he was drinking like eight bottles of wine a day.

That's how he got so fucking huge.

Isn't it?

seriously?

Look at his drinking.

Well, because how many calories is a bottle?

That's a good question.

I have no idea.

It's like drinking like three milkshakes, right?

Yeah.

How many calories?

It's drinking 14 bottles a day.

That would put me in the hospital so bad.

Yeah, of course.

Sick you would feel.

Of course.

Okay.

600.

Yeah.

8,400 calories.

I mean, what are you?

You're either an Olympian or you're a fucking mess.

And that's before eating food.

Yeah, that's just the booze.

Yeah.

So if he gets a pizza or a 10.

Look at his hushi.

Oh my God, dude.

That's an 8,400 calorie a day hushi.

He looks so good, though.

Yeah, he does look good.

He looks great.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

He can drink 14 bottles of wine per day, but it's totally fine health-wise.

That is, I can drink 12, 13, 14 bottles a day.

He goes through occasional bouts of sobriety.

Who does that sound like?

But between those,

his alcohol intake surge, mostly out of boredom.

He then outlines in detail his normal beverage intake.

Oh, I'm dying.

In the morning, it starts at home with champagne or red wine before 10 a.m.

Well, you start with champagne.

Yeah,

then again champagne.

Gerard said he breaks up the wine with aniseed liquor,

maybe half a bottle.

He then added then food accompanied by two bottles of wine.

In the afternoon, champagne, beer, and more pastites.

I don't know what that is.

Pastis.

At around 5 p.m.

to finish off the bottle.

Later on, vodka and/or whiskey.

God damn.

We didn't even know about the hard liquor.

If you need a visual representation to imagine what this much alcohol looks like, the mirror has provided a troubling graphic.

I thought they just meant mirrors in general.

Holy shit.

Oh shit.

Oh shit, dude.

Oh my God.

Fuck.

That's wild.

He needs help, guys.

Breakfast, lunch, afternoon, evening.

Yeah.

It says a dip hard day.

What a piece of shit.

God damn, dude.

Doesn't that bother you?

Like, it bothers me as somebody that grew up with limited means and then now we have means.

It's like if you are blessed enough in this world to have health, money, in this guy's case, fame,

looks maybe when he was younger, and to piss it away every single day,

fuck you.

Like, really, fuck you and fuck your mother.

Because he's like, fuck this world, basically.

Yeah, so kill yourself and stop pissing on planes.

God.

This is

supposed to be a picture of Jellyroll.

Can you tell what the focus most people's eye is?

Because Jelly Roll is

smiling but that's not where everyone's eyes go wowsers so girard depadu did the 5k is that what we're learning

he drank the whole time did burt drink while he was doing the 5k jason kelsey did uh did he i don't remember yes oh yeah

burt did alcohol the whole time i mean all day all day i mean during the during the second heat because At the end of the day, they all did it again.

I don't know if he was drinking in the first one.

But after the first one, it was on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was drinking a lot.

For sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Jason Kelsey did this thing where every 400 meters he would have a beer.

So he had like 12 beers.

That's so good.

But he looks amazing.

Yeah, that's different.

He can do that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

There's Jason right there on the right.

Yeah.

He was fine.

Yeah.

He seems to be fine.

I was like, are you fucked up?

He's like, I have a little buzz.

I'm like, after 12 beers?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

How long do you think Bert is going to keep his shirt off?

That's the real.

Is this going to be a career-long, lifelong thing?

Do you think he's going to do this in his 70s?

I hope so.

You think you thinking he'll make it to 70s?

A fucking good one.

Is he doing like late-night circuit shirtless as well?

I don't think so.

He's doing McFallon shirtless.

No, he wears clothes.

I think it's reluctant.

I think he's always like, God damn it.

Because some of those places will be like, hey, keep your fucking shirt on.

He's like,

bum me out.

That is a big hushi, though.

Again.

Yeah.

Hosha.

You used to say, there's actually, I learned a new word, but it's, I forget now.

Hashik.

Your stomach.

Hasha is a stomach.

Hushi is meat.

And I've created that word hushi that you say.

Yeah.

It says meats is what I'm saying.

Like a hushy bear.

It's not a real word.

It's not a real word.

Not real hungry.

It's not like.

What's the real stomach?

Hashi?

Hush.

Hasha.

Hasha.

Again.

You say a hushak.

Hasham.

Hasham.

Disno hasham.

Disno again.

Malotz.

Malots.

A molots is like a big pick.

Okay.

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Wow.

His name's Peyton, gay, 32-year-old male from Alabama, single.

And I'm probably starting to think, you know, I'm 32 years old, probably going to be single forever.

So if any of you know any single men, you know, who like to fish, hunt, or whatever, and want to come, you know, hang out.

Great.

That's wild.

I've never, yeah.

Like.

A southern gay?

But like this, this style of like, what's up, man?

It's too normal, and I'm waiting for the turn.

I'm gay.

I'm trying to fucking fish and shit.

Like, okay.

All right.

That's cool.

Where's it going, though?

I don't know.

It doesn't really.

It just kind of ends there.

That's it?

That's it.

Oh, yeah, I think I said this one.

God, this is so troubling, right?

I don't know.

Well, I wanted to show any.

It was specifically for any.

Oh, hey, what's up, Annie?

Gay stuff.

What's up?

What are those?

Exactly.

That's what I wanted to show you.

Is that a big lady on the right?

I don't know.

So I think it's a big white lady and then i'm not sure what the other what country is he from

it's nigeria there's no way he's a 90 day field he's just like cool now i'm a citizen i just have to fuck this animal oh my god remember that one we watched where she went to nigeria and his friends were clowning her in the area oh my god yeah like she's so fat brother she's too fat

Yeah, even he was like, you are so much bigger.

He was just like, I want to get out of here, man.

I want to go to the States.

And they're like, Yeah, but come on.

So fat, big, like man.

So fat.

I think I read some, or no, I didn't even read it.

It was just a TikTok video of like what's most important to men is definitely that their wife stays in decent shape and stays trim.

Because I do think it is mucho depressing when you marry somebody who looks like gorgeous and then you're like, What the

which is really easy to happen after kids?

it's hard.

Yeah, I know the sad ones are like when they put it on social media and they're like, this is when he married her, and this is her now.

She's

yeah,

I mean, we all know those couples, and you're just like, you know, that A, she's not happy, he's not happy.

No, it's not happy, nobody's happy there except for those two.

What do you think, any?

They look thrilled.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what they are, so I don't know if they have emotion.

Do we have to know what they are?

Do we have more gay videos for any?

A little concern.

Sure.

My favorite.

It's in the gay stuff for any folder.

Are these the ones that you've sent me in my reel that I fucking refuse to respond to?

Is that what this fucking shit is?

It's all fucking day with you, by the way.

It's all fucking day, bro.

I get more notifications from you than the girl, than friends.

Tom Sagura sent you another reel, bro.

I've disabled my fucking Instagram notification because you're fucking ridiculous, ridiculous, man.

It's all the goddamn time.

It's fucking like, how do you even have that many gay things to fucking send?

You just got like a fucking gay account on Instagram or something?

You just got gay, Tom Sagura.

I told you.

It's ridiculous.

It's cock thoughts all day, air day.

Well, crazy, bro.

This is what's doing it.

Yeah, that's all he wants is dick stuff.

Yeah, I bet this is his whole motherfucking feed now.

Yeah, of course.

Well, here's the thing.

I had some cool gay ones, and I usually send, I used to send them just to Chris DeStefano because he's always like, fuck you.

But then I sent it to Eddie and he was like, I don't like this shit.

And I was like, ooh.

Of course.

I should have just shut my mouth.

Let's see some honey.

Are you all with these?

Mostly top.

Really?

I finally found a top here.

Really?

Yeah.

Can you guess what I am?

You look like a bottom.

You're right.

So

how long would you last with me in bed?

25 minutes.

Wow.

25?

I can only go like 5 to 10, though.

Okay, well.

Because it hurts too much.

If you want it quick, we'll do it quick.

Yeah, where would you come at?

Probably in you.

I mean, this is just a stranger.

This is a conversation between two strangers.

Dudes are fucking the wise.

This is how every, by the way, every straight guy wants to talk like this.

Of course, but women put the brakes on it.

They do.

Because we're like, what are you talking about?

Exactly.

And then we go, that's fuck.

This guy's an animal.

But every straight guy would love to meet a girl and be like, I'd love to come inside of you.

But it's not allowed.

You can't talk like that to a woman.

Well, and the women that would be open to that.

Yeah, well, there's a few you can say it to, but they're not exactly

bring her home to meet mom.

Yeah.

They're not the marrying.

No.

Yeah, it comes out of the

girl.

It's like that Australian girl that's like banging thousands of people.

She's like, I can't wait to be stretched out today.

I can't wait to be put in the hospital.

I'm like, ugh, so nasty.

I don't even want to say her name.

A thousand men.

Yeah.

She's like, a thousand.

Yeah.

Say a gross, man.

I want him O to come.

Yeah.

She has really.

She's a gross, dude.

So what do you think of that one?

No responding.

I'm not responding to this shit.

Okay.

I hate this shit.

Okay.

It's ridiculous, man.

I'm going to block you soon.

Oh, stop.

I'm going to block you soon, but stop.

Wait, what part don't you like?

They're just talking about it.

What part don't I like?

They're just talking.

Hmm, I wonder.

Do you not like conversations?

Let's put our thinking caps on.

What's wrong with you?

How does a guy leave his load?

I have a load inside me right now.

Does that mean you're going to flip the load on me or what?

Or what?

Do you want me to?

I haven't joffed in like a week.

I've been taking loads to save up, to give you your load.

Fuck.

This is...

This is unreal.

I know.

You got to be gay.

I think you need to be gay.

I got to be gay.

Well, with all your cock thoughts and your dreams and your wishes and your hopes.

Yeah, bro.

If this was your feed,

what would you think?

This wasn't my feed.

This was Christina's.

It was.

No, Christina sent us.

I didn't send this one in.

I didn't send this in.

Did I send this one in, Josh?

No, I didn't send this one in.

I wonder how it got here.

Wait, did I send this one in?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mine's just a gross couple files.

I don't think this one came from you.

Oh.

No.

I didn't send it to you.

I try to send any cool ones.

Cool ones.

Yeah.

What's the difference with a cool one?

You want to go through the DMs?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, I can't.

Don't you have a folder of cool stuff?

You don't show any what's in the folder.

This is the folder.

Oh, this is.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

No, I'm going to show.

What do I do?

What's it called?

Here's my question.

I wish we had a gay here.

Is that they're so indiscriminate, these gentlemen.

Like, are they attracted to each other?

It does even matter.

Do you know what I mean, Tom?

Yeah.

Does it even matter that they both find each other attractive?

Or is it just, I'll come anywhere, anytime with whoever?

You answer.

You're familiar with this community.

I'm trying to send.

Which of them do I send it to?

Are you sending them on instagram i can send it you can just send them to the ymh okay

yeah okay then this is for gays watching and listening i'm sure there's a couple just two of you yeah does it matter if you're even attracted to the guy talking to you do you have you know is it just about coming and

you know i imagine it's just like us like it's just you know depends how long it's been and how drunk you are oh got it so it's they could be pigs if you really really want it like it's been 12 days.

You're like, fuck, I don't give a shit.

See, women, we're not like that.

Not built like that.

Most.

This guy looks awesome.

Hell yeah.

I like this guy.

I like them black and gay because I know that upsets any more when it's his tribe.

Hell yeah.

This ain't my tribe.

This half tribe.

Meaning the black side.

No, Filipinos.

None of my tribe.

Guys, buy my lipsticks.

Christinap.com.

Get all the flavors.

All four colors.

It's a perfect for right now, ChristinaP.com.

Thank you to everybody that bought my lipsticks for Mother's Day.

I hope your lady enjoyed them.

I love making them.

I'm wearing the perfect red right now.

Wearing the perfect red right now.

I'm getting a private rap.

I want a perfect red to your premiere.

I sent a few of these to

the YMH.

If you pull that up, these are things I've sent any that he's like, no, I don't like this.

Oh, that's how I talk?

That's what this is?

No, I don't like this.

I don't like this anymore.

I'm not into the skay shit.

Okay, so I sent him this one.

I'm about to blow.

You know what?

I don't even know if he's good.

I don't even know if he's good.

That's okay.

Okay, that one's okay.

That's okay.

Really?

All right, cool, cool, cool.

That one screams.

Yeah, I like that.

I don't even know.

I can't see the other dude.

I'll take you this one.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I know.

I saw it.

No, no, no, no, man, you should.

Come on in.

Come on in.

Fuck yeah.

You don't need to show the door closing.

You could have cut.

Thank you.

That's it.

It's just a guy, a neighbor, just you're borrowing his phone.

How'd that make you feel?

Terrified.

but there's nothing happening he just can i borrow your phone that's my worst nightmare a black guy saying can i use your phone nah worst night no i step into a motherfucker's house he just come out his room shirtless

man no

no

don't do this what do you need i have money sir

there's another one

Terrified.

Don't touch me.

I was booked to do a live show, and I was under the impression it was supposed to be at a bar.

Well, I'm sorry if there was any confusion.

As you can see, this isn't a bar, but it is my resort.

Oh.

This is the address I was supposed to come to.

Well, I did in fact book you, but for a private performance for me.

Wow.

Well, I can get into that.

That's not even a setup.

It's like, do they, why even have this stuff in gay movies?

Just fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Well, the Straits do it too.

They're like, yeah, that's true.

So, oh, this one, he really didn't.

This one's my favorite.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I ain't even.

He took his headphones off.

Say good morning, asshole.

This is what I deal with on a daily basis.

When I'm not in trouble.

In your life.

You're not really in trouble.

Come on, man.

It's so sweet.

There are so many people.

There's just people having fun.

Say good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

There's so many.

Eddie, say good morning.

Say good morning, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I can't hear what you're saying.

Say good morning.

Say good morning.

I ain't saying nothing.

I ain't saying nothing.

And they shouldn't be saying nothing.

They should be keeping this behind closed doors.

Nobody wants to see this shit.

Look how cute they are.

There's some

little play bites.

What's wrong with you?

Hey, Eddie.

I'm a quit man.

Tom, why don't you...

Tom doesn't even nibble me like those two gay boys.

What?

You don't nibble me like that anyway.

I just went mute.

Did that fall out?

Oh, that's what you get.

That's what your ass gets.

Sorry, I lost my headphones.

He was too excited thinking talk about

it.

I also sent him this because I think you like this kind of shit.

That's what you get.

Oh, I like this one.

Yeah.

You know what's crazy?

I'm so not into the gay shit that I'm like, you know what?

This is fine.

This is fine.

I'll fuck with this.

I love these.

You can show me.

There's a couple things that I know that Eddie goes no to.

One is gay shit, but the other is women farting.

That's true.

He doesn't like that.

But after gay shit, like, low-key, like, I'm attracted to this one.

I'm like, please, anything, anything else, please, please just give me anything.

Oh, man.

Yeah, he's been starving in the desert.

Oh, there are these two again.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they're talking, though.

Actually, it's different guys.

Your walls are so soft.

Oh, my God.

And they have

my suction

on it.

So when I'm in there, it's like

and it's so soft.

It's so wet.

Yes.

Like, I'm going to peep too.

It just be so wet, like, especially like when you ride from me.

Yeah.

Like, your pussy is so soft.

Okay.

Well, anyway, that's the kind of stuff I sent him.

And he's like, I'm going to block you.

All day.

I don't even know how you have time.

Like, you're a busy man.

Yeah.

Not too busy.

Well, let's switch it up to something that's a little nicer.

Too busy for work, okay?

This is a different theme here.

I had a threesome with a guy and his mom, and that was like his birth mother.

When you say threesome, everybody interacted with each other.

She was sucking dick.

He said, and I quote, do what you do best and come suck this dick.

To his mother.

To his mother.

She got on her knees and she did what she was told to do.

I ain't gonna lie, I got turned on.

After she stopped sucking his dick

he looked at me and he was like come suck this dick and so i went and i sucked his dick i mean

but yo she can she was goblin and she eats some good pussy too you guys are doing good

that was a whole new we've never i don't want to go down this route this is fine for me to never explore thank you

That was a lot, right?

That was moose soup for sure.

Yeah.

Ugh.

Yeah, that was.

I don't want any part of that.

She had a threesome with a.

I got it.

Thank you.

I understood it.

She made it very clear.

What is wrong with you?

I have sons.

I don't want to think about this.

That was really cool, though.

That was cool.

That was so unique.

Well, it's cool that she's super turned on.

Also, the detail also that is, I think, best of that clip

is that the guy said to his mother, do what you do best.

I'm going to puke.

Thanks.

Which is like, you know how you do this all the time.

You're the best mom.

Mom.

Bye-bye.

Well, it's not even like if this woman is a sex worker and she's like, and then I had to do what I had to do.

She's like, I loved it.

I'm like, ooh.

Yeah, that's pretty rough.

You belong with these people.

I'm fine with that.

Real quick, two other things here that I wanted to show you.

You pointed out, did you point out that Katy Perry has a dancing?

Oh, my God.

This is.

I saw her dance.

So, as predicted, by the way,

she's been

annoying for a long time because she's on the voice, I think, as a judge.

And she went to space, and everybody was like, why didn't we just leave her in space?

Because she's insufferable.

Well, she's touring now.

And what she is passing off as dance moves is pathetic.

You got to see this.

These guys are supposed to, you know, they hire choreographers that make them do cool shit.

You're supposed to do this stuff if you're that, like, that the regular person goes, God damn, that's wild.

But if you're going to do a show like she's doing on the scale,

it should be tight.

Watch her moves.

Not even moving her legs.

Just her arm?

I mean.

What is happening?

This is what my five-year-old, six-year-old does when he comes home from kindergarten.

They're cheering for this.

Oh, their fans are dumber than she is.

Oh, my God.

That's pretty bad.

What?

Oh, and the backup dancer is just as lazy.

Look, he's doing the same shit.

That was pretty bad.

Horrible.

Not good.

Even I could do better than that.

And I'm no dancer.

Yeah.

I put energy into it.

Yeah.

That was bad.

Pretty bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, I mean, I hope you're not paying a choreographer for that.

I don't know.

And her hair looks stupid.

Shit, I hired one.

Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

And they gave me better moves than that.

Yeah.

She doesn't even move her leg.

Her legs are locked.

And she's going and she's just moving her arms.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Was that guy?

Was it Frankie Valley?

We were making fun of him because he's nine.

He's got more energy in his performance.

That was she does.

That's embarrassingly bad.

Yeah.

Sucks.

One thing I guess I didn't get to talk about on this show last time, I got to do it on Kimmel, and so I wanted to share it with the audience, is I feel like, you know, we rib Bert a lot, but you got to give him credit where credit's due, too.

And so I'll share this clip with you guys and we can talk about it.

I've spoken to a few people over the last week who have been talking about your 5K that you had with your buddy Bert Kreischer in Tampa over the years.

Yeah, we just did it yesterday.

You know, Jelly Roll also came out and did it with us.

He did it last year, and then this year, one year later, he was down 130 pounds and did it yesterday again.

And he wants to lose another 100.

And then Bert last year, when he did it, you know, he had just found out he had type 2 diabetes.

And then he, yes, like right before he got the clear that he no longer has diabetes.

So that's a huge thing from training like that.

And

he thinks he had it because he was eating too much fruit.

And I was like, that's not...

He's like, he's like, I love mango.

I'm like, you don't eat 70 a day.

Like,

it's for all your other things.

Well, I remember.

So, I mean, you know, if you are watching or listening, send Bert a message.

You know, congratulations on diabetes, on beating diabetes.

He did.

What an amazing thing.

Yeah, I feel like I know.

And he hadn't, like, it's one of the few things he hadn't boasted about, but I was kind of boasting for him.

Yeah.

So what a good friend you are.

Thank you.

You know what to do.

Go ahead and

put the messages out there.

Let them know that you're proud of them them because that's a big deal you beat the sugar you beat the sugar yeah

let's take a quick break and we'll be right back

and we are back and you can see our next guest's new special the good life may 26 on netflix it's mike burbigley everybody

i'm thrilled to be here welcome to the program We've been talking about this forever.

Well, can I tell you why?

So I've never seen a Broadway show because I am a hayseed.

I'm very uncultured.

I'm from Los Angeles.

We don't do those things.

And we're in New York, Judork Titties.

My agent, Andrew Russell, says you have to go see Mike Berbiglia's show, The Old Man in the Pool.

Right?

Am I saying the title right?

Because it's been a while.

Yeah.

And so Chase O'Donnell and I go to see him

the day, and I'm like, oh, this is just going to be, I just, I just hate this kind of stuff.

I'm not artistic.

And, you know, Mike Berbiglia is so smart and he doesn't curse and he's not a derelict like me.

And

anyway,

I got to cry because your show was so thoughtful.

Oh my God, I am going to cry.

And the topic was so hard to do in such a funny and thoughtful way.

And I don't want to give away the ending, but what you do at the very end of that show has stuck with me

for years.

And now, here's the crazy thing.

So, I see your show, and then, you know, a year later, I'm dealing with breast cancer.

And I just remember your show and about that moment at the end, which I won't give away.

And I was like, wow.

And that's, it just carries with me because when you realize how finite this all is and how fragile life is, and you start to really go for things that you normally wouldn't, and you don't give a shit what people think about you as much and you just go for it.

And anyway, I want to thank you.

And you should all see it because he's fantastic, even though I know you're not running it anymore.

I'm sure.

It's on Netflix now.

Oh, well, fucking watch that too.

Thanks.

Okay, so tell me about the new one.

Wow, Jesus.

Can we make a movie?

It's brilliant.

I know, but God.

It's brilliant.

You're making me, Jesus.

You're making me tear up.

Oh, really?

Well, yeah.

Let's watch it.

But it's true, though.

I was watching your episode with Sebastian Maniscalco of this show, and I love that episode.

And the things that you guys were talking about, I found really relatable.

You were talking about like your kid, you know, my daughter's just turned 10, and your kids are like

almost six and nine.

Yeah.

And it's like talking about like, like, missing any of it.

It's like, what's it fucking worth?

Because it can just all go in a snap.

It's like, we don't know.

It's like that thing.

It's like, we don't know if we're in the first act or the second act or the third act.

We don't know if there's going to be a second act.

Oh, I just got the chills.

And you get it.

Well, because that happened to us where you just get a phone call one day.

Oh my God, why am I crying in?

And there's like, you just get a phone call.

No, I know.

One day you think you're just living your life.

And then it turns out you're going to just fight for your life.

And you're like, but I was just on this ship that was doing, what are you talking about?

I'm fine.

No, no, no.

you're going to be fighting for your life.

And then you win and you're like, oh my God, what do I do now?

Hopefully I get another 20 years or whatever.

If you're lucky, you don't.

You just don't fucking know.

Yeah.

And it can happen young, too.

You can just fucking

die walking across the street.

It's so horrible.

Yeah, that, so that special is Old Man in the Pool.

And then this one's called The Good Life.

And it similarly, like, it's about

things that are like, the unfunny part of life.

Like, it's about how my dad had a stroke like a year ago.

And, you know, the first joke I found in it was like, it's been devastating, but if I'm being honest, like it has calmed him down.

And,

you know, I was a kid, he'd be like, where are my goddamn keys?

And now he's like, keys.

And I'm like,

it is more polite.

That's very funny.

But like, it's been like, honestly, like, digging into this thing of like, what, when I started writing this, this new hour, It was two years ago and it was all about like, what can I teach my daughter?

You know, when you're parents, sometimes you're like, I don't know anything.

Like, like, like my, I max out at like age seven.

Like, I'm killing it to age seven.

And then after that, I'm like, eh, I don't know a lot of this.

Yeah.

But then, like, uh, when my dad had a stroke, it's like, oh, I started thinking about like, now I have to explain like the big things to my daughter.

And so that's like what the show is all about.

So it's similar, like, in terms of like the weightiness of old man of pain.

How did you, how did, like, what was the idea as far as getting into this style of show?

Because like, I remember, you know, I want to say when you started, but like, when I first learned of you, right?

It's like a regular stand-up, regular stand-up show.

I remember, obviously, you were a really good writer because you would read, there was the Mike Berbigalia journal.

Oh, yeah, Bob and Thomas.

Yeah, you would read those pages, and it was like, oh, this guy's obviously like a, you're a good writer, you know.

So, but then you go, now to, to move it into a show that's a, it's a different style show.

One-man shows are, are, obviously, they're, like, they're more emotional.

There's a whole different thing going.

Like, was it like a calculated thing?

Like, I want to transition to these types of shows.

It was funny, it was like

the I was at Aspen Comedy Festival and The Moth, which is a storytelling series.

Yeah, they asked me, and it was like Burr and like Gene Garofilo, Lewis Black, a handful of people to tell stories.

And they kind of like taught us how to tell a story and that kind of thing.

It was like 2003.

Yeah, it's a while ago.

It was a while ago.

Yeah.

And

I told this story.

I'd never really told a proper like beginning mental name story before on stage.

And I told this story about how when I was in high school, I had my first girlfriend, and she told me not to tell anyone that

she was my girlfriend.

Because

she had another boyfriend in another town or whatever.

And so I'm like, okay, you know, because it's your first girlfriend, you're like, okay, whatever it takes, you know what I mean?

And then she invites me to meet her parents for the first time.

And I go over to her house and we're hanging out.

And then there's this other guy there.

And I'm like, slowly realizing, like, oh, that's the other.

This chick's wild.

It was wild.

No, and I think she is, yeah.

But

so, and then at one point, so he, uh, he, the guy, invites us to go to his house to hang out.

And we, I go and I meet his parents.

And the punchline of it is like, it's very nerve-wracking meeting your girlfriend's, boyfriend's, parents for the first time.

It's like, you're angry, or upset, but you also want to make a good impression.

And so I told that on stage and like at the moth.

And then I had this thing where I was like,

kind of similar to like when I started doing stand-up in like the late 90s after I saw Stephen Wright and I was like, oh, I should write jokes.

You know what I mean?

Like, that's what happened.

That's how I started doing stand-up.

But that was the first time 2003 where I was like, oh, I should tell stories.

Like, this is crazy.

Like, the feeling in the room when you tell a story that like the audience doesn't know which way to go.

Yeah.

Is it was such a rush.

Yeah.

I started like writing a lot of stories.

And then when I sleepwalked through a second story window, I was like, then it was like, oh, this is a show.

And I started working with a director.

This guy said there.

Repeat that.

Sorry.

Just repeat that last piece.

There are people who may not be familiar.

So just repeat what you just said because it's one of them.

Yeah.

So this is old hat to me because I wrote, you know, a show about it, you know, and then I wrote a book about it and made a movie and movie with a Sundance.

And it's called Sleepwalk With Me.

I have a serious sleep disorder, which some people think is REM sleep behavior disorder, RBD.

And

it got so bad when I didn't treat it that I jumped through the second story of a La Quinta Inn in Walla Walla, Washington.

So that's true.

I'm not.

The words are so comedic.

Yeah, yeah.

And does the fall is what wakes, like snaps you out of that?

So I jumped through.

So the dream was,

and I jumped through the window, like the Hulk, like the incredible Hulk.

Whoa.

Because it was the winter.

Windows were closed.

So I jumped.

I had a dream.

There was a guided missile headed towards my room.

Jumped out of bed.

You know, people who have RBD, like sometimes act out their dreams in really extreme ways.

So I jumped through the window.

And then I landed on the front lawn, kept running.

And this is like, this is the part that I remember vividly.

Oh my God.

Where I'm running and I'm slowly realizing I'm on the front lawn of La Quintain in Walla Walla, Washington in my underwear, bleeding, bleeding.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, no.

And then that, and, but then I realized it.

And at that moment, I was relieved that I hadn't been hit by the missile.

Missile, sure.

Right.

Yeah.

You're like, oh, fuck.

It's like your shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

High action.

Yeah.

Which is great, by the way.

Your show is fantastic.

And you're, I'm sure you probably hear this a lot.

It's like, great actor, too.

He is.

Thanks.

Like, you're great actor.

Thank you, dude.

That's very good.

That's the part I didn't know.

It's like, I always thought you were funny.

I didn't know you could act and play nine parts.

Thanks, man.

Good job, Tom.

So, yeah.

So I jumped through the window and

lived to tell it.

And then that show became a whole thing.

I remember that show being quite big, but can we go back to the details of like you go back into the hotel?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you have to tell the manager?

So here's

what's crazy.

There we go.

There we go.

There's a plaque that we sent them to put up on the wall, and it's there still.

That's awesome.

Yeah, you know, it's funny.

There's a great follow-up to this, which is,

yeah, in this room, January 26, 2005, comedian Mike Brubiglia sleepwalked out the window.

That story became the basis for her book and feature film, Sleepwalk With Me.

Seriously.

Google it.

Yeah.

And so this winter on like the 20th year anniversary.

Yeah, that's, that's, I took those photos the night I jumped through the window.

That's like the real serrated glass.

Oh, my God.

It's been a while.

That's crazy.

And so the 20-year anniversary, we took a camera crew back to Walla Walla, and I went to the hotel, talked to the guy from the front desk.

Also, by the way, I interviewed the guy from the front desk.

It's fun to show people how comedians travel.

This is like what we do.

Completely

in.

That's all shit.

For 15 years.

Yeah.

So

I went back in January, interviewed the guy from the front desk.

And I go, did it,

is it how you remember when I tell the story on this American life, whatever?

Is it how you remember it?

And he goes,

you weren't in your underwear.

That was it.

That's it?

Yeah, yeah.

He goes, you weren't in your underwear.

But it's funny how memory works.

He goes, you were wearing a robe.

I absolutely was not wearing a robe.

I don't own a robe.

There was not a robe at that point.

Not at the La Quinta.

It's not the Waldorf.

But it's funny how memory works, that.

But I interviewed all the people.

I interviewed the doctor who put stitches in my legs at the hospital.

And

I interviewed like, there were people, there were cops who were on the radio that night who were like, oh, yeah.

This was on the radio.

They said there's an incident.

This guy's at the hospital now.

Yeah.

So wait, how do they prevent you from doing this now?

Did they start to treat you?

Yeah, how did you start to treat you?

So for a period of time, I was taking,

I still take clonopin.

And

I know.

I don't love it.

I love it.

I don't love it.

I've been weaning myself off of it slowly, but like, it's a lot.

And then for a long time,

it sounds like a bit, but I slept in a sleeping bag.

Yeah.

And I wore mittens, so I couldn't open the sleeping bag.

That was something the doctor told me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What keeping you alive?

Mittens on.

Yeah.

Yeah, because I mean, you know, you could have been on the 18th floor of a nice hotel.

So for a long time, I wouldn't stay on the second floor.

That's the college I performed at that day.

I performed at two colleges that day.

It was like Whitman College and maybe like Cascadia College.

I was on like, this is like a period of my life where I had done NACA conferences, which are like these college booking conferences.

I never got booked.

And I was doing like, I was doing, I don't know, 50, 100 colleges a year.

So I'm like driving around and I'm like, you know, barely making enough money to get by.

And like, and it was, and, and I was so sleep deprived.

Yeah.

So, a lot of it was sleep deprivation.

So, like, a big thing in my life now is like, get the sleep.

Get the sleep.

Yeah.

I remember NACA was such, like, by the way, you find out about it and you're like, everyone's like, that's what you want to do, bro.

You want to get NACA to sign off on you and get college gigs.

Oh, yeah.

And we were like all trying to get it.

Because the money was so good.

Yeah.

And remember, you'd have to write like six checks.

NACA West, NACA South.

Oh, yeah.

Is that just me?

Am I the idiot that got duped into writing sites?

No, no, no, no.

No, that was a national.

That was a fortune.

It was a Pacific Northwest.

That was from Pacific Northwest.

So, yeah,

so that was how I started telling stories.

And then, uh,

and then, uh, so then you found you had like you had a lane, kind of, right?

You're like, oh, I have this.

Yeah, it's weird.

I didn't, I did not mean to have a lane, but it ended up being that.

Wait, so after this, were you like, hey, I stay on first floor only?

Yeah.

For a long time, probably, right?

For a long time, like, my agent, Mike Berkowitz, would call and just be like, Mike is staying on the first floor.

And it was a secret.

Like, we weren't telling people because I didn't want people to think I was insane.

Yeah.

Of course.

And they'd be like, why?

And he'd be like, that's what Mike Berberglio wants.

You know what I mean?

That's his rider.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

Did you ever go somewhere where they're like, we don't have anything?

Like, you have to be on the 10th floor.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But then, like, at one point, an engineer explained to me that, like,

if you're staying in a good hotel, and the glass, you literally couldn't jump through it.

Yeah.

Like, if you're staying at like a Westin or something, like you, you couldn't jump through the window of the 10th floor.

Like that's like essentially it's the equivalent of like jumping into the wall.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a different level of glass

than Walla Wallace.

Walla Wallace.

Yeah.

But it's funny because you and I, you and I haven't crossed paths that much, but for years

we have, because you tell stories too, like we have a lot of people who are like, I love Segura, I love Berbigli.

We're in the same conversation a lot for years.

But yeah, I do like, I do do a lot of storytelling, but I feel like what you're doing, that is like a show that's a story, right?

Like, that, that's something I've never attempted, you know, like that's very cool.

I think you think you might?

It's never occurred to me.

I don't know.

I mean, I, the way I do it now is like, yeah, the hour is littered with different, like, it kind of goes in and out of stories.

Yeah.

But, um, you know, I find what you're doing like with these types of specials and shows, it's its own thing it's I think it's kind of like the ultimate storytelling thing is like this is a show that's that's a story right so

yeah very cool how did you get to Broadway with it like how how did you go from like I'm a stand-up comedian to I'm gonna break into this world that's so at least to someone who grew up in Los Angeles so foreign No, totally.

And to me, it was because I grew up in like outside of Worcester, Massachusetts.

Like I never went to Broadway.

I never.

Were Broadway people like, oh, Jesus, a comedian?

I think maybe.

Yeah.

Yeah, because they seem very.

Some of them are into it, and some of them I think are not.

But like Patty Lapone came to Old Man in the Pool.

And like Nathan Lane presented my first show.

So there's the people, a lot of the people I respect are really.

Nathan, how did you get to know Nathan Lane?

So Nathan Lane had...

And that's really, in some ways, why I had legitimacy in the theater world is Nathan Lane had a few of my comedy albums, like my, like To Drink Mike and I think my Secret Public Journal Live.

And he really liked this one story I tell from Secret Public Journal Live where

I was in a, this is a true story.

Years ago, I was in a celebrity golf tournament and I was paired up with this for charity and I was paired up with these two guys and my brother Joe.

And these guys said to me, they go, who do you think our celebrity is going to be?

And I was like, oh no, I think it might be me.

And then like I'm apologizing to the guys, like, I'm so sorry, I'm your celebrity.

Do you think this is disappointing for you?

You can't imagine how disappointing it is for me and

that was just like and that was like this pain this really painful hell gig story that nathan really liked and then he and then he came to my show at caroline's and i was actually doing all this sleepwalking stuff

and

he was on broadway at the time he was in in the david mammot play called november this is like 2007 2008

and

He like loved the show.

He loved the sleepwalking show.

And he sent, he like literally like sent me a note.

Hey, I love this show.

I was so nervous because I knew he was in the audience they told me at Caroline's he's in the audience oh why do they tell you they shouldn't tell you I shouldn't tell me no so I was so nervous and then he didn't come back because he's shy in real life and then I and then I wrote him a note back and then we had dinner and then and then like we became friends and and I said would you ever consider like presenting this show I have this show called sleepwalk with me And he was like, sure.

And then he did.

And then it ran for eight months off Broadway.

And so that was like, and so then like two shows later.

So then there was a lot of talk at that point of like, maybe this show could go to Broadway and it didn't.

And then I had another show called My Girlfriend's Boyfriend is Off Broadway.

That's on,

no, it's not on Netflix, but it was for a while.

And then, and, and they were like, maybe this could go to Broadway and it didn't.

But then the, I think it was, yeah, the new one, uh, and then the old man in the pool ended up making it there.

That's pretty amazing.

It's weird.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

But what a difference too in performing because as stand-ups, like Tom and I are more club comedy people, I guess, our origins, like you were doing colleges, we were doing clubs.

And the difference with Broadway.

We clubs do, though.

No, no, I know.

I'm just fucking with them.

But what stands out to me, I think I'm projecting because I'm more of a dirtbag.

I like that environment, is people actually listen when you're doing a Broadway show and they're not

incoherently drunk or vomiting.

And it's a different dynamic in time.

It says in a pound of wings.

It says a pound of wings on the menu.

You're not contending with any other pen.

It's not a pound.

Yeah.

No, and I think that's part of what hooked me into doing theaters at all was people listen.

Yeah.

Because

like I started out working the door at the Washington, D.C.

improv when I was in college in the late 90s.

Great clubs.

And I was like, oh, okay, like

I could work clubs.

And then I started working like funny bones and improvs out of school.

And I was like opening for a ton of people.

And then I opened for the first Comedy Central live tour.

I did like five or six of the dates.

It was Mitch Hedberg, Louis Black, and Dave Vital.

Crazy.

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable lineup.

And I did Philadelphia, I did DC,

I did New York City.

And I called, and I was like, people, listen.

People are listening to the jokes because they're not really drinking that much.

They're seated.

They're looking at you as opposed to looking away from you.

So crazy.

Watching the show like that.

Yeah, yeah.

And I literally call call my agent.

I go,

dude, you gotta book me in theaters.

Yeah.

And he was like, you don't have enough fans to fill a theater.

And I was like, smaller theaters.

You know what I mean?

So, like, I, for a bunch of years there, from like 2006 through 12, I was playing like 500 to like 900 seat theaters for

a much better experience.

It was great.

Yeah.

And so that was like, yeah, so that's.

Those are still really fun.

They're They're great.

Yeah, those are the best.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that was like,

yeah, that was, that was, that was a great.

The, by the way, the one time I worked a few times, but this one time I was working the Cleveland Improv.

Yeah.

And the Cleveland Improv used to have just a Cleveland police officer just waiting in the lobby.

You're like, why is there a cop?

And they're like, oh, he's always here.

Yeah.

Because sometimes we need him.

And you're like, oh.

And I'm waiting to go on the

on stage.

And I hear this commotion.

I'm like, what's going on?

Well, this guy was like, the menu says a pound.

Oh, my God.

Chicken.

He goes, that wasn't a pound.

And they're like, well, you ate it.

Like, you ate it.

He's like, but it wasn't a pound.

And so the cop comes in and he's like, what's the issue?

And they're like, telling him.

And the guy's like, look, man, either pay for your wings or I got to take you to jail.

And the guy goes, like, this.

Yeah.

And he took the uh the ride to jail.

The business we work in is insane.

So, did the episode?

The Cleveland Improv.

That I've done that one, yeah.

Yo, and they send me there, yeah, a little white girl, uh, just trying to live.

And

I remember like prostitutes and John's getting thrown out to the open side.

There was a wide open for Angel Salazar there.

Oh, check it out, Cleveland!

Check it out, check it out.

The inbox,

He kills!

Yo, he kills.

And his credit is still Scarface.

Of course.

Chuck got up.

Chuck got out of the corner.

But these plans.

Oh, my God.

Angel Sales are

a nice guy.

And also,

he kills.

He kills.

But like, these, it's so hard to explain to people sometimes that the business that we work in of comedy is so low class.

It's so low class.

Comedy seller the other night.

We're all trading stories at the table about when we worked for mobsters and took a gun out when you're settling with them.

And everyone had a different story of a different guy.

And people think we're making this stuff up.

And it's like, no, no, the fucking manager.

He's like, How much do I owe you?

You're like, $400.

He's like, I think it's $300, you know, and puts a fucking gun on the table.

These are real people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some of them are dead, thankfully.

Yeah, some of them die.

It's good when they die.

yeah

i i remember one one time i had a club owner uh it was i was touring with another female comic

instead of offering payment offered

us um his ex-wife's fur jacket oh that's interesting so that was kind of neat there was no gun oh my god but i'm sure he had one and you did a coat did you say no on the coat of course it was like money dummy oh my god i didn't come here for a someone for a fur jacket pig one time a guy this is when i started to sell tickets and I had a door deal, which is like, it's very simple math, right?

It was 100% of the door.

Yeah.

So it was like, he goes, oh, your show sold out.

He goes, can you guess what you made?

I go, I don't have to guess.

And

he's like, what do you mean?

I go, well, it's just simple math, man.

It's 100% of this.

And he goes, huh?

So he goes, it's this much.

And I go, no, it's not.

And he goes, what do you mean?

I go, you're off.

it's off by like whatever amount he goes Donna

so he calls in this lady and he goes he says that it's this but I told him it's this what do you what and Donna just goes he's right and he goes all right he just changed the chat I was like dude dude I was just trying to have a gig once I won't say where it was where but I can guess I get to the settlement and I'm like, oh my God, it's going to be like $3,000.

It's going to be so much money.

I like packed this place.

And the booker just starts crying.

I swear to God, I've never told this story.

Starts crying.

And I was like, are you okay?

She goes, we just don't have the money.

I was like, how much money do you have?

She was like, we have this much money.

I go, that's fine, whatever.

And then, like, I just was like, okay, I'm not going back, but.

I'm going to write down the name of this club.

Yeah, yeah.

Hold on.

It's that.

I know what I know.

Do you know?

I don't know.

Is it this?

No.

Oh.

But that's a good guess.

I had one where she...

But I'm like, but with that one, it's like, where is the money?

We don't have it.

They never have it.

Where was the money?

I had a lady where I...

Did she gamble the money?

Yes.

She gave me...

Drugs, something.

She gave me a lot of shit.

She gave me a lot of attitude.

Like, she was an asshole.

Gave me the check.

I go to the bank, bounces.

So I get to call her and be like, hey, your check fucking bounced.

And she was like, oh, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm like, that's a different tone from you.

Yeah, yeah.

And then she mails me another check.

That one doesn't clear.

Of course.

And then I go, hey, what the fuck?

And then she finally sends me a third check.

I think I remember this happening.

This is around when we got married.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because we're, and we, and we deal with it as comedians because we're so desperate.

Before we have a good agent, yeah.

Yeah.

When you're starting out, you just take anything.

Anything.

Todd Glass said, told me the joke joke once.

You know, Todd.

Yeah, of course.

Told me the joke joke once of like,

you know, the one that's, you just improvise what the beginning is, and then it's who books that?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, that, I think Todd's just like, oh, yeah, I went to this place, it was West Virginia, and,

you know, there's the person has one tooth, and you have to, oh, my, you have to fuck the grandmother of the person, and then you have to sleep in a cabin in the woods, and it's got like cockroaches on it.

And then the other comic goes, who books the books?

Yeah, of course.

I'd love that week.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah, I love that week.

Because you're so desperate to get good at this thing.

But that's why you're entitled to make the money when you finally do breakthrough.

It's like, this was 15 years of La Quinta and Yes, La Quinta and

jumping through windows out there.

Yeah, dude.

Give me the money.

Yeah, I always told, like, one time I did a run where the guy took me, you know, it was like, it was a promoter who's just like some guy.

He's not a real promoter.

Sure.

And he set up these gigs.

We go to Oakland.

And then, like, I get into the hotel and I hear screaming and then like these crazy stains.

I go, what happens here, man?

This seems like a pretty fucking dicey place.

He's like, I don't, I think it's all right.

And I go, I don't think it's all right.

Yeah.

And I always, and I go, oh, bro, because we walk in and it's the motel where the, when your door faces the street,

I go, bro,

the doors on the street, man.

I had to, like, I had to go somewhere.

I was like, I was in Tulsa last year, and it was a great show.

That's a great comedy town.

But

I'm in an Uber from the airport, and the woman who's driving goes, so there's right over there on our left, there was like a shootout yesterday, and then she drives 20 more feet and goes, here's your hotel.

Yeah, cool.

When I signed with Andrew Russell, I go, all right, I got a few conditions.

Number one, I don't share a room with the other female act.

And if you book me a hotel that has indoor-facing doors,

it's huge.

The parking lot.

And he goes, Jesus Christ, what happened to you?

Because, yeah, it's just torture.

It's like, they're like, why aren't there more women in stand-up comedy?

Well, because you go through this, you have to be so severely damaged

as a woman to put yourself in this woman.

Comedians stay at hotels where it's only comedians and sex workers at the hotels.

Totally.

That's where we stay.

Or, well, what's worse, that or the comedy condo.

Comedy condo.

I don't even know if that's a thing anymore, though.

But it's covered in jizz.

Oh, God.

And how many people have keys to that place?

Oh, God.

You're right.

I never even thought about that.

How many keys are out there?

They picked me up and they're taking me.

I was doing Kansas City improv, which is, of course, like 40 minutes from Kansas City.

Which is 40 minutes from Kansas City.

Exactly.

He was driving me out there, and I did the usual thing where I go, who'd you have last week?

Oh, I hate that.

He goes, oh, he goes, we had Jay Medicine hat.

Rest in peace.

And I go, oh, cool.

How was that?

He was like, well, great shows, man.

He shaved his pubes in your sink.

And I go, did you clean it up?

He goes, yeah, I go, why'd you tell me that?

I think about his pubes when I'm brushing my teeth.

And he's like, ah, my bad.

We just cleaned it up.

I'm like, bro, like, those are the stories they tell you.

Oh, these guys

they they were double teaming this chick and they shit in the bed and you're like why are you telling me that bro oh my god i don't want to think about that remember he's dead now

i don't know if he's resting in peace glazier

yes who who craig glazier yeah i don't remember he's dead i can say stuff i think now i think uh his brother's dead oh my god what's his name bright uh brighto mike bridenstein just wrote a book about that guy okay so craig glazier's uh he glazier wrote a book about himself he was such a criminal yeah

he He would pick me up for morning radio in tearaway sweatpants.

From Missouri?

What city?

Kansas City.

Okay.

Kansas City.

Stanford and Stanford and Sons.

The guys who are brothers?

Yes.

The two brothers.

Those guys are wild.

Wait, are they still alive?

Let's make sure before we continue with the story.

Because those guys are wild.

Yeah, bro.

He's fucking dead, right?

Yeah, he's dead as of 2018.

But his brother, I don't know if that guy's still alive.

Anyway, Glazier was a super cool dude.

Okay, Jack's dead, too.

He'd pick you up from morning radio at you know 5 30 6 a.m to promote stanford and sons not to be confused with sanford and sons the tv show in kansas city uh but and then he'd he'd come in he'd be like you're preparing stories oh my god and i was like i i guess yeah and then he'd sit and in on your radio so that he was on a mic too sure and participate we got to get that guy in he's good he's good he's good and then he get in the car with him and they go

what do you think your grade was for radio oh god, I'm gonna give you a grade, Christine.

What's your grade?

Oh, geez, and I'm like, I don't know, pre-A plus, pre-grade.

He's like, B plus,

maybe B minus.

Like, he's just such a

I remember that radio guy too in Kansas City.

It was something like the wolf, the

animal,

you know what I mean?

Like, if it's, yeah, what do you in the beginning?

The beaver, yeah, yeah,

the barker, yeah,

the monster, but like

And then weirdly, you have to be

different.

I thought we started doing that.

You have to be deferent to this essentially failed comedian.

Yes.

Right?

Like most of those radio guys who we used to go were people who couldn't hack it in comedy.

They end up on the show.

The show takes off in that market.

And then they're

and then they're real tough.

Real mean.

Or they would come in.

I would, by the way, I was fucking bad because I would go in with, if I met met one of those guys in the room and I sensed that from them, that they're like, I'm the shit,

I would just kind of shut down because they would go, what do you want me to ask you?

I go, ask me whatever you want.

They're like, no, we're about to go live.

What's the setup?

I go, there is no setup.

And then they'd come back on the air and they'd be like,

so this guy, Tom, you're at the club.

What's up, man?

And I'd go, what's up with you?

And then I would just like completely like destroy the whole thing.

And I'd leave there in the club and be like, what the fuck was that?

And I was like, well, I don't know.

I don't have anything to prove to that guy.

Well, because you're not moving tickets from local.

Are you moving tickets from the local local local?

Well, some of the places, weirdly, I think you are.

There's a few, like Pittsburgh.

Back then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The WDVE guys in Pittsburgh.

That was a big thing.

And they were funny.

I'd say Bob and Tom.

And they are funny.

Bob and Tom was moving

and are funny.

Yes.

There was the

Preston and Steve was great.

Preston and Steve's great in Philadelphia.

They're still great.

Yeah.

And that actually works.

Yeah, some of them are great.

Monsters in the Morning in Orlando, that actually would move tickets.

They were fun.

They were fun to do.

And Red and Regan in Buffalo, and they were funny.

They were funny.

They were funny.

Yes.

But these tiny,

some of them were brutal.

The craziest one was I did Hartford.

I'll never forget.

Oh, Hartford Comedic.

The worst place on earth.

He's like, come on in.

We have like

another minute and then, you know, just take over.

And I go, what?

And he goes, just take over.

I go, what do you mean take over?

He goes, just.

Do whatever you want.

That's crazy.

And I go, I'm not going to do anything.

And he started.

And then the clock's ticking down.

He's like, hey, man, we're about to be, I go, you better come up with something, dude.

He goes, last week, Bobby Lee was here and he took his clothes off.

Sure.

And I go, how did that play on the radio?

Yeah.

And then he's like, and we're live.

Just fucking giving me anxiety just talking about it.

Or they would get mad at me because I wouldn't show up all dolled up.

Like you guys didn't show up dolled up, right?

It was six in the morning and I just, I wouldn't wear pajamas, but I wear like, I just flew in the night before, just normal.

And they're like, way to dress up, Christine, right?

And I'm like, I don't care.

No one can see me.

Yeah, we're on the radio, bro.

No one can see this, dummy.

Why are you bringing this up?

The funny thing about it, I started in DC at a club at the door.

And

the funny thing when you're starting out is there's a lot of hacks.

Yeah.

Like, who are the opening acts?

And I was opening act, but like the other comics, and they're crushing.

The hacks are basically doing like 10 people's act.

Yeah.

Yes.

Like, or a mashup of a bunch of people.

Local references.

Right.

Yeah.

And,

and I, I didn't, I was so young.

I was like 22 years old.

Like, I didn't know what it meant to be a hack.

Like, I was writing my own jokes, performing the jokes.

And like, I would open for people and they would go, you're going to go far in this business.

Like, I would open for, I remember opening this guy.

He goes, in like West Virginia, he's like, you're going to go far.

I go, why?

He goes, you write your jokes.

I go, doesn't everybody?

He goes, no.

And then I would, people in DC, I'm not going to name names, but there would be people who crush, crush at the club.

And I'm like, they're going to be huge.

Yeah.

And then like Dave Chappelle would come a week later and I'd be like, oh, he's doing his act.

Whoa.

Or like a week, yeah, a week after Dave Chappelle comes, like, there's three comics doing his jokes

locally.

Nuts.

Yeah, I know.

It was wild.

It was wild.

Like, I didn't even understand it.

See, I think coming up in LA is different because,

you know what I mean?

Like, you're going to see all the heavy hitters at the comedy store every week.

If you're going to bite some guy's act, some big, it's your, everyone's going to know immediately.

No, it's crazy.

You can't do that.

No, it's crazy.

Did you ever have a radio?

Because I had a flashback to this where they go,

sweating.

So, like, what's going on?

Like, what are you going to do this weekend?

Like, what's the, how's the show going to be?

What are you going to talk about this weekend?

And you're like, I don't know.

They're like, give us a little taste.

Oh, otherwise.

Give us a little taste.

I'll go,

nah.

And they're like, just a little bit.

Just give us a little taste.

Oh, my God.

And I'm like, I mean, I don't, I don't want to like do, and they're like, just, just, just give us a little, like, a little something.

And then you go, your body's telling, like, everything's telling you don't.

Yes.

So then they keep saying it.

So I go,

all right.

You know how sometimes, and I, and I start doing a bit.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

And then they would be like.

Oh, my God.

They're just, yeah, they're staring at you.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

And then, dude, I did that one time.

And then my friends that were in this city,

they're like, yo, they're playing back.

Like you bombing on their radio.

And they're playing cricket noises.

No.

No.

Yeah.

No.

And that was like, what?

Yeah, that's what they're doing right now on the radio.

Well, you and I have this thing in common.

You and I have this thing in common.

I was watching that great clip of your mom watching your TV show.

Oh, yeah.

Netflix series is super funny.

You and I have a thing in common where she's like, that's my dad with my comedy.

Like, my dad just does.

Really?

Yeah, that, you know, he'll just be like, maybe stay away from the personal stuff.

I'm like, oh, that's kind of

what we're doing here.

And, you know, when I started out working the door at the improv when I was in college, my dad was so furious.

He goes, you're working at a comedy club.

My dad would fly off the handle.

And I go, yeah.

He goes, what do they do?

Strip?

I was like, no, they perform comedy.

He was like, well, that's not your priority.

He would go nuts.

And so for years,

when I did the Broadway show,

my first Broadway show, that was the first time where my dad was like, oh, okay.

Like, this is a pretty, like, you're on the fucking marquee in

Broadway.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

But it is weird, like, when your parents, I actually think it's kind of good when your parents don't really get what you do.

A thousand percent.

Yeah, it's kind of great.

Like, it's kind of refreshing to see your mom be like, no, no.

Yeah.

Hates it.

That's probably why you guys.

She came over last night.

She goes, I got to tell you, if that show's really coming out.

I'm like, it's coming out.

If that show's really coming out, she goes, I will not come to any more of your shows.

Great.

I will never do your podcasts.

And I'll never, I go, promise?

Yes.

Yeah.

And she was like, I just, I'm so, I'm just so upset that you're doing this.

And I'm like, okay, great.

That's fantastic.

See you later.

Well, my dad at first was like,

you are an embarrassment to the family.

You are not funny.

You are vulgar.

Your dad said you're not

funny.

Yeah, he tells me what a piece of shit I am.

And then he started bringing his hose.

He's like Hungarian, right?

Yeah, both my parents were Eastern European.

European and then he would bring his fucking hose to my shows like if I was doing like a club and the a good civil

yes and then I became like dinner night entertainment and I was like no no no no no no no no no you don't get to do this remember I'm a piece of shit I'm not funny

and then he got mad at me because I wouldn't let him yeah my dad had that at one point he brought My dad was a doctor my joke in the special I go my dad was a doctor when I was a kid he got his law degree and I go that's how much he didn't want to be a dad

He was like, what can I do in these slots of time when I would be parenting?

But like,

one time he brought like a bunch of nurses from the hospital, and they were kind of wild.

They brought like a, like a bus, like a party bus with like a stripper pole, and they were like dancing and drunk.

And they were like the worst audience members.

Yeah.

But it was oddly kind of.

satisfying that my dad looked cool at work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was like.

Wait, is he really a doctor and a lawyer?

He is he well he had a stroke so he's not practicing anymore although he could but the poor patients.

Yeah yeah

the he's like what day is it like this is really important to me

the but no he uh yeah he got his law degree like in his free time when I was a kid

never pract didn't practice law but like he was just to entertain himself he's a super smart guy

that's yeah what's your mom like my mom's great like my mom is uh honestly like super religious.

That's, I talk a lot in the special about how I got.

I met the Pope last year, and that was like a big, big deal because I was really interested in the money.

Were you one of the comics?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a bunch of comics.

Yeah.

Well, surely, I didn't even get to hear about that.

I didn't get to hear about it.

Yeah.

It was like Chris Rock and Stephen Colbert and Ruby Goldberg and Gaffigan Conan.

And it was like.

I didn't get a call either, but that's cool.

I think that they don't want us.

I feel like they would have flagged some of your content.

Maybe.

That's a hot yes.

Who Who knows us?

Oh, my goodness.

Rami, yeah, that's me on the right.

You're the Pope, right?

Rock said the funniest thing.

We're walking down the hallway, and it's yo, unbelievable.

Yeah, there, there I am.

Yeah, that photo is in my parents' living room.

He looks so happy.

What'd you say to him?

I said, I held up.

Okay, so there was a sheet on my pay on my

seat, and it said Berbiglia, Mike Berbiglia.

And

I walked up and I held it up, and his last name before he died was Bergoglio.

And I go, I am Berabilia.

You are the Bergoglio.

I'm the next Pope.

And I don't think he understood, but he sort of smiled.

Like, I was clearly doing a bit.

Yeah.

It was fun.

Yeah.

But it was, but it was great for my parents.

I mean, that was like a big deal for my parents because I was crazy.

My mom was very Catholic.

Yes.

You know, grew up in Buffalo and,

went to Latin Mass when she was a kid.

Yeah.

Oh, that's not even in English.

That's hardcore Catholic.

That's serious.

Your mom's pretty hardcore, too.

This would have made my mother just weep.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God.

Why can't you do a nice show like this one?

Why can't you be like a mic?

Yeah, so yeah, there's Conan and

Louis Dreyfus.

Oh, yeah, he was walking down the hall.

Like that hallway, actually, was Rock.

And

I go, what do you think of all this?

And he looks around at like these ornate ceilings and walls.

He goes, well, it's not a union job.

It was a great joke.

That's great.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah.

What a unique, isn't that amazing?

So we just got like the depths of horror of comedy.

And then how random that you get to meet the Pope doing because you're a comedian.

No, it's so strange.

Yeah, there's so many great things to it.

I think in our

in our, the three of us, in our career span, comedy went from being kind of a dirtbag, kind of nightclub sport to being like pop culture.

It's pop culture.

So the Pope was inviting us a little bit as propaganda.

He's giving a speech.

Comedy is important at this moment in time.

You know, it brings people together and all this stuff.

What he's really trying to do is say, like, it's cool to be pious and care about things and connect people.

And it was good.

It was a good speech.

I mean, it really was.

Like, and he gave us these rosary beads that he blessed.

And so I brought them home to my parents.

And like, you know, your mom loved that.

She loved that.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They must have been like, well, you did well, son.

You, you got invited to meet the Pope.

It's pretty crazy.

Yeah, it's a strange turn because I was an altar boy as a kid and all that.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My joke in the specials, and the answer is no.

I think because they knew I was a talker.

But like, but yeah, no, so I was very, like, that was one of the only things I ever truly studied in my life.

And it was

Catholicism as a kid.

Yeah, I mean, Catholicism was a huge part of my upbringing too.

In Ohio?

Yeah.

And like, you know,

it was not an option to not go to Mass for us

through, not just through high school, college, coming home, but even through my 20s.

Like if I came home to visit my parents and it was Sunday, there wasn't like a conversation about it.

You were just going.

And I remember the, I still remember we, we visited and I was, I think we were at this time, I'm over 30.

Yeah.

And they just got up Sunday morning and they were like, we're going to mess.

We'll see you guys later.

And we were like,

yeah.

And they came home and didn't, like, they didn't do a guilt trip or anything.

They didn't say anything about it.

They didn't say anything.

And I was like, oh, they've, and they just kind of like resigned to it.

They just were like, oh, they don't, they're not interested in going.

Right.

But it took them 30 plus years.

Well, that was the whole thing is I'm, I'm so much the opposite of my parents.

Like I was, you know, indoctrinated as a kid.

And then with my daughter, who's 10,

we've never taken her to church ever.

I haven't told her almost anything.

We go to the Vatican.

She's like, Dad,

who's Jesus?

I'm like, oh, wow.

I've really missed.

I've really done some oversight,

overlooked some big things because she knows about the Greek gods and the Roman gods and the Norse gods.

And I just didn't say anything about Jesus.

So I'm just doing this crash course on Jesus.

He's just got a lot of people.

He's a big deal.

You got to do it.

He's a big deal.

People think he's God and son of God.

Well, spend some time in Texas.

You'll learn about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's probably a big part of living around here, right?

I know.

Well, but we're kind of the same way because, like, I asked our oldest, I was like, what do you know about God?

He's like, he controls the weather, dude.

That's good.

That's pretty good.

That's fine.

And that was kind of like the extent of it.

And we didn't really talk about it much more.

No.

I was like, he does control the weather.

It's interesting.

Like, I heard this theory, which is like, a majority of what your kids learn isn't from your parents.

It's from their parents.

It's from their friends' parents.

Oh, you ever heard that concept?

That's terrible.

Because kids tune out their own parents.

Yeah.

But then other adults are like, oh, all right, maybe.

That's so terrible.

Well, they definitely tune us out a lot.

That's very true.

Do you guys ever have like big picture conversations?

Yes, Mike Berbiglia.

Okay, here's what I started doing.

Here's what I started doing.

I make it fun for them.

Okay.

You weren't there, but I gave you the recap of this the other night.

The two boys are at dinner, and I like to drill them on very important things.

For instance, instance, I'll just do like a pop quiz.

Hey, what kind of woman are you going to marry?

Yeah.

Someone who's nice, not just pretty.

Somebody who treats me the way mommy treats daddy.

Great.

Next, hey, what if some kid says we should ditch school and go smoke some pot at my house?

What do you say?

Fuck no.

And he can say fuck and no, and he gets excited.

And then I drill him.

Hey,

go, let's get drunk and drive in the car.

Hell no, mom, right?

I did that the other day.

If you make it like fun,

smoking is for losers.

It's really good.

Smoking's for losers, right?

They also learned to bark at people who ride bikes so when we're driving by

when we're in the car and there's someone riding a bike they go

like that

they like that i don't get why

well they're nerds and losers

and they're stupid because i i know it's the law it's fine but you can't you should not ride your bicycle in traffic and i know that's the way of the land i just think it's not very safe i don't want my children to do it she's always telling them i don't want them riding motorcycles motorcycles are for idiots too i mean i just i put the seeds in very early yeah yeah i like that you got the thing I envy about you guys living in Texas is you got outdoors.

Yeah.

Kids can run around.

They do.

Brooklyn.

We live in Brooklyn.

You can't really run around.

You have a girl though, right?

Yeah.

That's fine.

You think so?

I grew up in a concrete jungle.

I'm fine.

Boys need to pick up seeds.

You're born in Canada, right?

No, I was born in Canada and then we moved to LA when I was like four.

Oh, okay.

But boys need to pick up seeds.

But boys need snakes.

Okay.

They need to put holes in things.

Boys, it's so crazy when you see like how they're wired.

Like the energy is so so intense and aggression like all they do is like they want to just me up all day totally all day they're like can we wrestle can we do i'm like

does your girl wrestle you and did was she active like that no fighting no she doesn't wrestle i did a joke years ago where i was like girls girls when they're a kid when they're little girls are just like would you like to have a tea party and boys are like now what you know yeah like it's such a distinct dichotomy a thousand tea party

party no she's um

I went to her first, like, swim meet last week, and it was just like great.

You know, but like, it's funny because I'm going to have, I have a joke in the special where I say, like, I went to her,

my wife and I went to her ballet recital, and we're just crying and crying because she doesn't have it, you know.

And,

you know, we spent thousands of dollars in the lessons and hundreds of hours of going to rehearsal.

She's not going to pro.

And,

but I'm going to have to like show her that

just to be like, the joke is this, yeah.

I mean, it's not

you're not good at ballet, like you're great at ballet, it's just we're crying because we're emotional

about everything.

See, we think that our kids give a rip that we're in show business, could not care less.

Yeah, every time I talked to her about it, she's like, I don't really care, I don't want to talk about it.

The only thing my kids were remotely interested in was when I did Is It Cake, an episode of Is It Cake.

So, get on Is It Cake?

No, no, if I got on Is It Cake,

my status in our house would change forever.

It did.

That's all they care about.

It did.

Mikey Day,

to my daughter, is what Steve Martin was to me.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, he is the icon of show business.

Yeah, that's so cool.

Yeah.

So you got on.

No, man.

I jockeyed.

The minute I saw.

I was great.

Oh, were you good?

You hit me up on Is It Cake?

Oh, I was amazing.

No, I mean, did I guess correctly?

No.

Did I look great?

Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I brought Tupperware.

You were funny.

I had a good time.

Yeah.

No, I'll tell you why.

It is very difficult.

Here's why.

I don't know if I'm allowed to tell.

No, I can tell this.

So, you know, when they flip the thing and they, mmm, the thing rotates?

Samarille?

Yeah.

Yeah, samaril.

Real cake jiggles when it stops.

Okay.

So that's why they have you turn your back so that the cakes settle.

Oh, it's a hack.

So you turn around.

Otherwise, you could tell straight away, but from a, it's at a distance, too.

so you can't tell sometimes, but no.

It's very hard.

The thing that was a big deal in my daughter's world is that I was in the Taylor Swift video for the music video Anti-Hero.

What?

Yeah, so I played

her son in a dystopic future.

Like, what would be a nightmare if this became my son who wanted all my money?

Wow.

That's cool.

Yeah, it's kind of made into a wig.

Yeah.

Was that your agent, or do you know T-Swift?

I

met her around the time she was writing that song because in my,

you know, The Old Man in the Pool, the song that plays at the beginning is by this group called Red Hurst.

That's one of the people in that group is Jack Antonoff, who's like one of my best friends, and he produces like a ton of stuff with Taylor.

So we met at the, we met around the time, and she was like conceiving of this video.

And then one day she texted me and was like, hey, would you do this?

That's show business.

Yeah.

It was, right?

Yeah, it's, it was crazy.

It was crazy.

So that's like for my daughter that's like hands down number one thing

you have this photo framed in her room

i mean you know t swift i have the pope in there that's that's pretty crazy we have the pope in teller swift yeah i mean

that's that for a little girl that must be like nothing bigger yeah it was no it was crazy um i took and then we took her to the concert you did oh that's wonderful that met life it was amazing that's like best con that's like one best concert i've ever been to that's when you could tell by the way way, is like when she did that last tour, the huge tour.

Yeah, yeah.

All these people who are like, yeah, I don't, like, I don't follow her, but I went to the concert and they're like, that concert was unbelievable.

Everybody was giving

really crazy reviews.

Yeah.

It's truly crazy.

Well, she's very talented.

Jeez.

That's Jack on the back left.

Nice.

Yeah, she is so talented.

No, it's crazy.

And that show is a feat of,

you know, it's like a marathon.

It's like a three and a half hour, four-hour show.

It's crazy.

It's unbelievable.

I heard she has to train really hard and stuff.

Yeah.

And you know what's so funny?

I pretend like I'm all goth and cool, which I am.

But then I'll be like, I'll be like, Taylor Swift fucking sucks.

Wait, except for this one song.

Yeah, yeah.

Gonna nugget a mean and I don't know.

I'm like, damn.

You know, and then you find yourself singing.

Except for those 15 songs that are undeniable.

Yeah.

She's fucking great.

So the new show is the good life.

The good life.

Is the kickoff from this the stroke?

So the beginning of it is I'm walking with my daughter home from school and

we see like a smoke shop and called The Good Life.

And she's like, dad, what's the good life?

And I'm like, I don't even know.

It's not what I'm doing.

You know, and then I'm trying to explain drugs and, you know, sex and all these things that are like religion and

big things.

And then I kind of go into a lot of flashbacks about my dad.

And then in the middle of all that, like my dad has a stroke.

And I'm kind of coming to grips with the fact that, like, you know, my dad, like, we had a stilted relationship for like, I would say, most of my life.

And it's weirdly only now.

like in his final phase of life where like i'm starting like i said like it has calmed him down the stroke it has like he used to shout so much it wouldn't be every day but it would be enough that you'd be like on edge Like, is it gonna happen today?

Yeah.

You know,

the joke I say in the show, he'd be like, where are my goddamn keys?

And we'd all be like, we gotta find dad's keys.

Like, I spent my whole life looking for those keys.

I go, I jumped through a window to find those keys.

And,

but like, that was my, you know, that was a lot of, and then, and then I was, you know, now that my dad is dying, like in the final phase of life, like, like, you really do realize, like, he's just a person

and he was probably doing his best.

And we're all doing our best.

You know what I mean?

It is like a, like, seeing your parent in that stage puts us so much in perspective.

So much.

That realization as you age that your parents were just two people walking around earth.

Like, because, you know, for so long, it's supposed to be that way.

When you're a kid, you're like, these people are here for me.

Yeah.

They're special beings

here for me.

And then as you get older, you're like, that's just a dude.

My dad's just a guy who ran into this lady and they had me.

Like they're just trying to figure it out.

I'll see my dad like reaching.

Oh yeah, those are my parents.

They're good looking people.

Good looking folks.

I'll see my dad like picking up like a cup or something and like, and I'll just be like, that's sort of like me.

Like you just see, you go, oh yeah, he's a human struggling with this thing.

And that kind of reminds me of my own physicality even.

Is he close to you now?

Like,

does he live in New York also?

No, he lives in Rhode Island.

So I'm going home like every few weeks on a train.

And

that's where my brother and sister live.

Oh, they live there?

Yeah, which is hard for them.

Yeah.

It's hard for my mom.

It's just hard.

Yeah.

Like the way

the way America deals, the healthcare system deals with like end-of-life stuff is not

good.

No.

There's this book Atel Gwande wrote called Being Mortal.

You ever read that?

It's really good.

But tell about how he kind of opens by saying, like, in like India gets a lot of things wrong in medicine, but like the thing they get right is like end of life because they treat it like it's special and like essentially you're like letting someone go.

And like in America, we're like,

we need to prop him up and put him on stilts and shock his body and all this shit because just to keep someone alive, but like barely alive.

and so much of their body doesn't work.

You can't, you can't walk, you can't stand.

It's like so many things are brutal.

Doesn't remember what happened in the last year.

It's a really hard thing, so hard, yeah.

Yeah,

I don't want any of that.

I don't know what to do about it.

I don't want to go to like a facility.

I do want to buy a house maybe for comedians, and like we can just hire like a staff, yeah, comedy condo, the last comedy condo.

That's what we call it.

The last comedy condo.

And if if you've been a comedian and you can come there and we'll all convalesce and

die together, and how many of you have been in the middle.

This is the best idea I've heard in the free brain idea.

Because

you've had a few laughs and you'd go back to your room and then it would be like sitting at the table, except you live there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And drugs.

It has drugs.

So many drugs.

Prostitution.

We're joking about it.

It's legitimately like a solid idea.

Thank you.

Just like dilog whenever you want it.

We don't have, have because communities don't have insurance.

No, anything.

No.

We don't have loved ones.

We don't love anyone.

We're not loved.

Joe, if I don't have family.

It's a party pad.

No one likes us.

Yeah, that's kind of.

I don't have family.

Like you and the kids, I don't want to burden my children.

No, and you're going to hopefully die before me.

Hopefully.

Oh, my God.

We'll see.

I don't know, man.

I'm feeling pretty good about my odds.

I know.

Fucking.

Yeah.

I know.

I kind of.

Really?

I only had cancer early.

I know, but

tick cancer, though, not in my organs.

Exactly.

No, I think you're in the clear.

I think so.

But the seasoning's there, you know?

It's really.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not how it works.

That's not how it works.

Let's get my dad on the phone.

He can explain.

It'll take a few hours.

Can he talk?

He can talk, yeah.

So I talked.

I basically ended up talking to him about, I just asked him questions about his childhood.

He grew up in Bushwick in the 1940s.

And

it's just like you realize, or I've realized through this thing of like, of like, oh, I didn't ask my dad enough questions.

Oh my God.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, I just didn't, I should have just let him go.

Can I tell you something?

I tried this with my dad.

Really?

When I was 28, we went to the Dominican Republic together.

Last vacation he and I took together alone.

Yeah.

And I tried it.

And I was like, dad, do you think that your traumatic upbringing in communist Hungary

may have affected you

emotionally.

And he was like, No.

Okay, next question: like, do you regret leaving your mom, like my mom?

No, not really.

Like, there's no cognition.

We got to get you on working it out.

We're going to work this into a bit.

Have you done that as a bid?

Because it's so funny.

Like, my podcast working out literally the whole premise is people come on and we talk about stories.

And it's like, how could that be a bit?

I want to do this.

Yeah, come on in New York.

Let's do it.

Come on in New York.

But that's a great.

No, but you guys come sometimes.

You were there last month.

Yes, yes, yes.

Massive Square Garden.

But like,

you guys should both come on and we should talk about bits because you should definitely do that one.

That's fine.

That's hilarious.

No, no self-awareness or self-reliance.

Like, but do you, one has to be capable of self-reflection.

Not everybody is.

In order to answer those questions, Mike, is that.

My dad was like 72

when he was like, you know,

I think the war in Vietnam really affected me.

Oh, my God.

I was like, what?

He fought in the war?

Yeah.

Wow.

And he always told combat stories.

Oh, my God.

He's like, yeah.

72 years old.

I go, you think it affected you?

He's like, I do.

I was like, what the?

Yeah.

That's that generation's man, though.

Oh, I know.

They just go, like,

huh?

I think, because I think about those guys every day, I'm like, really?

You've never said that.

Wow.

So, yeah, every day I think about the guys that I fought with and died.

I'm like,

you're just saying this now?

And he was like, yeah.

He goes, I really think it affected me.

I'm like, Yeah.

Like, you saw the worst shit in the world.

Yeah.

And he's like, yeah.

Anyway, yeah, I just figured that out.

That's for lunch.

Yeah.

Just

yeah.

And then with my dad, like when, when I, you know, 10, 20 years ago, I would get in the weeds of like arguing with him about politics or whatever.

And it's like, who cares?

Like, it doesn't matter.

No.

This is not important what your politics and my politics are.

What matters is like that there's a human connection.

And like, I don't know.

That's my learning.

that is my lesson of my 20s and 30s was like don't talk about stuff like that with your parents just ask them about themselves yeah

that's a really great point you probably if somebody actually digests what you're saying it can save them a lot of heartache too oh my god

yeah

yeah you don't have to because it's easy like especially the people some people have like super combative relationships where all they do is go i want to talk about politics with like their dad yeah yeah and then they're like yeah 30 years went by and all we did was ever yell at each other.

Yeah, there's this moment, especially where I talk about arguing with my dad about something.

And I go, I have this, I realized my whole life, I sort of wanted to be my dad.

And at a certain point, I had decided I wanted him to be me.

Oh, it's like, wow, that's not true.

That's like, I feel like I've just realized that.

That's true.

That's a big one.

Because you're mad at them because they failed to meet your expectations.

Yeah.

Right.

And who cares?

I wanted my mommy and daddy to be the way I wanted them to be, and they weren't.

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

You're not going to be able to do it.

Yeah.

And also, we're fucking up as parents.

We're fucking up in ways that we do not understand yet.

We don't yet.

Fuck.

And we're just going to

find out.

Yeah, our kids will be on this podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Like my fucking dad.

Yeah.

My mom would say, I'm not going to do drugs.

Fuck drugs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Trying to, she would, like, quiz us at the dinner table.

That's

a funny hacker.

I like that.

Encouraging us to say the F word.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Well, there's one point where I just wanted them to write letters and stuff, and I would let them write curse words on menus and stuff just to spell, to start spelling and writing.

Good spelling exercise.

Curse words are great.

Yeah.

Well, I walked out of our house and I saw they had taken chalk and written on this like wall, the garden wall, just like fuck shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, Boseme.

Yeah, what abs.

All right.

We should tell you guys that May 26th, The Good Life, comes out on Netflix.

It's Mike Berbiglia's latest.

He also has a bunch of other specials.

He has books.

You'll probably put on another big show in another year or so.

I think so, yeah.

I think the next thing I'm going to do is that I'm writing a movie right now.

Awesome.

The last movie was called Don't Think Twice.

And that's available, I don't know, wherever movies are.

That was about like a

group of people, in an improv group where someone gets cast on like Siren Live type show, and then everyone else doesn't.

And it's sort of about what happens in friendships when that happens.

Oh, yeah, which is

Don't Think Twice.

Here's a big surprise: they don't go, Hey, great for you.

Oh, you saw the movie?

Yeah, so now I'm writing the next movie right now.

And yeah, thanks for having me on, you guys.

Thanks for coming, man.

That's awesome.

Congrats on the special.

We'll bring you to New York.

Working it out.

Love to work out some bits.

I'd love to.

All right, we'll see you guys next week.

Bye, mommy.

Tommy.

Commend

your dad?

Just like, just like.

Just like the gays.

Just like, just like.

Just like the gays.

Just like the gays.

Just like, just

like the gays.

Tommy.

Would you marry your son?

Uh yes, of course.

My God, I wish I could.

Tommy, would you marry your dad?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course I would do it.

Christina, would you marry your son?

Oh my god.

Yeah, yeah.

Would you marry your dad?

Yeah, of course.

I live for this kind of shit.

Yeah.

Just like, just

like the gays.

Just like, just like the gays.

Just like, just

like the gays.

Just like, just.

Would you marry your mom?

No, come on, I think I'd marry my dad.

Christina, yeah, would you marry your mom?

I don't know.

Please, no, would you marry your dad?

Yeah, of course, for sure.

Yes,

yeah, I really would.

Like, just act like the gays.

Like, just opt like the gays.

Would you marry your dad?