White Women Are Embarrassing | Your Mom's House Ep. 809

Get ready, Moline, Illinois.

I'll be at the vibrant arena this Thursday, May 8th, during my come together tour.

And due to demand, I've also recently added a second show in Akron, Ohio on Sunday, September 7th at Akron Civic Theater.

Get tickets now at tomskura.com/slash tour.

Welcome!

Welcome to your mom's house.

I am so excited for the spa spa day.

Candles lit.

Music on.

Hot tub warm and ready.

And then my chronic hives come back.

Again, in the middle of my spa day.

What a wet blanket.

Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

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Hives during my next spa day?

Not if I can help it.

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This life's a basketball

Let's play some basketball

Let's play some basketball Let's play some basketball

Let's play some basketball I think I think your pussy's broken

Wow.

Isn't that something, man?

DJ Swede, the remix guy,

he always, he's always just putting out bangers, but that one's from a couple years ago.

And I just, I've been listening now repeat in my car.

I like when she goes,

that girl, I tell you, she really, if anything, she's got chutzpah.

I don't know if you remember the Good Morning America performance where she did cartwheel after cartwheel after cartwheel.

Can you find that real quick, Josh?

It was so alarming that it has made a repass on the meme circuit.

Yeah, because this happened, what, a decade ago?

And look, here it is.

and she goes in for seconds

The

the

if you don't remember she did the national anthem

and some of the players were laughing during her national anthem that's cool so and then like her

I think it was her husband at the time or her boyfriend

Yeah, like if you you see them breaking during the national anthem, shit, that's got 29 million views.

Hold on, and it's like the military people are breaking?

No, no, the players

if you watch that, if you can hit it, so she's doing it.

Like, there's guys, you know, the players all just kind of like usually just stand there, kind of look down,

and you can start to see their faces.

So they're like looking around.

Like, they're like, huh, that's interesting.

And then I think you see Draymond Green look down and and smile because he's laughing at the performance.

That's got to be rough.

Yeah.

That's Kyrie.

And it's the national anthem.

It's hard.

It's the all-star game.

He's got a little smirk on his face.

LeBron.

Yeah, LeBron knows.

He's like, hmm.

Curry's reaction is one of the funniest on this shit.

Yeah.

Right?

There's Draymond.

He's about to break.

So she got clowned, right?

Really hard.

My palms are sweating for her right now.

I'm so embarrassed.

But then,

who is she married to or is she married to?

Orlando Bloom.

No, that's not.

That's Katy Perry.

Oh, sorry.

That's a different town.

Yeah, that hip.

Josh Dumel.

Dumel, yeah.

Dujamel.

So

he at the time was with her, I guess.

It looks like they're not married anymore.

And

when people were clowning it, he got fucking pissed, right?

As her husband

at the players.

Like, he was just like, fuck you, man, to some of these guys.

Like, you guys are dickheads.

And then this

remix came out.

Okay.

The, the,

this, because when was that?

It's 18.

Yeah, they're, they were, they split in 19.

So the remix came out,

and then the players,

the players were

listening to it,

um,

listening listening to that mix in the

in the

space in the locker room

post-game

Oh, shit.

It's amazing.

And this is how...

That's how, by the way, that's how you win any

like battle like that is like just having a laugh.

So they didn't say shit back to him.

They just danced.

They're like, hey, we didn't make this.

We didn't have to.

Have you ever seen, and by the way,

there's a couple things that stick out in my memory in life that I play on repeat.

Yeah.

It's Kim Cottrell.

We've played it on this show before.

And she goes, My husband and I like to play the bass, and I scout along.

Oh, my God.

And it's her ret oh my god.

Please.

This is plays the upright bass.

Yamaki Piebo, Sedere for Kebo, in dog Latin equals.

Uj, Savis arret.

Well, he bit all the he-dogs and winked at all the she-dogs.

The town never knew such a hullabaloo.

This is what they do in their phrase till the end of that day.

Here's what I really take from this, though.

Do whatever you want.

You don't have to share it.

No.

Keep your hobbies quiet.

That's what you like.

You should keep this as private as your sex life.

Yeah.

This could just be between you guys.

Scatting potter beret.

You know what else I do?

I piss in his mouth and he gargles with it.

Like, yeah, we don't need to see it.

Zappa Dabba Deba, pota-beret.

I can't take it.

It's the pot of beret that sticks in my mind.

Oh, what do those comments say about it?

Ah, you don't want to.

I'm sure she's lovely and I think she's nice and stuff.

I just pray that the he dogs are okay.

I come back to this every few years just to remind myself.

Yeah,

I'm sweating.

Yeah, see, this is the sort of thing that you never allow someone to witness or film.

Exactly.

dude yeah

that probably happened at the height of her fame yes where you're like oh everything that i do is pretty cool yes because i'm famous that and then some magazine or somebody wants to do a piece on you i am responsible for at least a hundred thousand of these views

but then they they go why don't we come to your house and film you and your husband and that's when you go no do that you know how you were saying how he plays the upright bass and you scat along we kind of want to film that.

No.

Oh, yeah.

The answer is no.

That video, and then that, and Jessica Simpson singing along with

Jewel.

Please find this.

Have you seen this?

You think Fergie was off?

Wait until you see this one.

This one sticks in my brain, too.

And this happened about a decade ago as well.

But when I think I've embarrassed myself,

there's always this.

We try to hustle, I'm trying to bust, and I'm trying to cut them.

And the cops want someone to bust down on Orlando.

Another day, another day.

And that's Jewel.

That's her style.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Cause here's the deal.

Here's the deal.

I'm not shedding on them.

I can see myself doing it.

Can't you see yourself?

I see myself being like, I could sing with Jewel.

Let me try singing with Jewel.

And then you slip under her style, even though it's not your style.

And you're trying.

Oh, fuck.

I'm sweating.

Yeah, it's tough.

Hey, Christina, you want to sing the national anthem?

No.

Yay, yay, yay.

Let's play some basketball.

Pota bere.

That's the one that gets me in my sleep.

I wake up in the middle of the night going, potter beret!

You ready?

I'm ready.

Here's your opening clip.

Oh, we didn't even do that?

Nope.

Shit.

That's the part you like.

I know.

Oh, my God.

Your mom in the fucking stand.

Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

I know you, that's the part you like the best.

Well, she reacted like three seconds late to being flipped over.

Like, he flipped her over, and

I've got real fucking mental problems.

She's like, this actually hurts.

You flipped me over on a bed.

Okay.

You know what bothers me the most is the overhead lighting is on, and you know how much I'm doing.

Oh, yeah.

Well, the room's a mess, too.

I mean, everything.

You think it's funny too.

Oh, my leg.

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The real question is, what did that dumb bitch do to make him so mad?

It was something about his phone, right?

Because he was like, where's my phone?

Isn't that how it started?

He was like, where's my phone?

Oh, fuck.

Your phone was already all.

That is delayed.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, she should have made noise a few seconds earlier.

But first of all, in her defense, men can't find shit.

That's true.

Ever.

And she's probably like, dude, come on.

How are we going to do this?

I'm laying down.

You're bothering me.

Just like last night, I was comfortable.

I had the cat on my lap.

I had my heating pad on.

I can't find the remote.

And where was it?

It was on my side.

But you could have looked.

I told you to look there.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

It's true.

It's true.

So we have like kind of breaking news.

I don't know if people know this.

We got to kind of got to make it.

Well, there's so much.

Yeah, there's so much.

First, I should just remind people that Bad Thoughts comes out on Netflix next week,

Tuesday, the 13th.

You can set your reminders now.

You can actually turn it on the reminder if you go through it.

It's already on the platform.

Please check it out.

Amazed.

Very, very excite.

Okay, that being said.

This is a YMH exclusive.

YMH exclusive.

About a week ago, Tony John should have been in Las Vegas shooting his first adult scene with

the great Alexis

Fox.

That

did not happen.

And it's very, very disappointing

because Tony John is back in jail.

Well, hold on, but back it up.

We told him, like, all he has to say.

All you got to do is stay out of trouble.

Just stay out of trouble.

I was like, I got you.

I got you.

You know, I said, are you going to do

that?

Can you stay out of trouble?

And he was like, you know, like, dead ass, though.

I can.

And

dead ass.

Then I got the update.

update.

Guess what?

Did not, not only did not stay out of trouble, is in all kinds of trouble.

He's in jail, man.

Well, is it Land?

I don't know what it's related to.

As far as I know, isn't it related to like a family dispute now?

No.

Yep.

Yeah, he went and like fought his uncle or something.

What's the origin of that fight?

I think, you know, they've had like an ongoing beef for a while, and there was like a restraining order, and I guess

he like challenged him to a fight, and Tony showed up with like boxing gloves, and that's kind of all we really know.

And then he was in jail after that.

He showed up with boxing gloves, yeah.

I think he was like documenting it along the way.

Like,

got my box and gloves, going over to meet him.

You don't show up to your uncle, too.

Yeah, no, he can't.

I wonder who won the fight.

Do we know that?

That's mostly.

I mean, Tony's in jail, so

who knows?

Who knows?

Well, here's the update: he has called us, he has left us a message from Jonathan.

Yeah, it's a voice message.

Are you ready?

I haven't heard it.

I have no idea what it is.

I'm excited.

Here we go.

Hey, what's going on, everybody?

All my fans, I just want to say this is the ladies' man, Tony Michael Jones, a worker.

I am doing great in here.

I'm eating good.

I'm living good.

I'm sleeping good.

I'm living it up.

You know, all the CEOs love me.

And I just want to say, you know, to all my fans, I just want to say I appreciate all the respect, all the love.

And, you know, I love you guys so much.

It's you know, this is just a little setback.

And when I get out, I'm very, very, very excited to do the to do the shoot with Alexis down in Vegas.

So let's go, baby.

Come on.

Woo, let's go.

And, you know, be ready, Alexis, because you know, sweetie, when I get out of here, I can't wait to give it to you, sweetie.

You know, on film, everything, sweetheart.

So I just want to say, I'm doing good.

I'm eating good.

COs love me.

I'm living it up, man.

Even though I'm locked up, I'm living it up.

You know, I'm getting double portions on

my meals.

You know, breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I'm living it up.

And I love my fans, and I'm just living it up.

Let's go.

Woo!

Let's go.

I mean, look, I don't think you can have a better outlook on things.

No.

I mean,

for the way that most people react when they're in jail, this is as good as it gets.

He's so positive and resilient.

That's what I'm saying.

And I hate to say this, but I dare I say, he likes being in prison.

I think he likes jail.

And

I think this is a real lesson to all our fans in jail is that it's all about perspective, man.

If you're like, oh, this sucks.

And then, yeah, your attitude sucks, then it does suck.

But if you're like, man, I'm living it up.

People like me.

I get double portions.

I'm sleeping good.

I'm having a great time.

Yeah.

Then doing time's not so bad.

Not so bad.

And also, I thought that sex worker would be his only gig that he'd be really good at.

Turns out, prison inmate, too.

Yeah, inmate.

He's a good inmate.

Inmate or sex worker.

Maybe like the ideal inmate.

He's the one who the warden's going to be like, you guys, this is who we're trying to get you to be like.

Yep.

Wow.

Yeah.

I mean, wow, that is something.

And he's fired up to shoot his scene and he's, you know, he's...

He's really, he's got a good outlook on things.

Well, now he does have a reason to try to get out of jail.

Like, he's got a goal to work towards, which is nice.

Did you have any idea how long he's going to be in?

I think his court date's coming up in like a week or two, and then hopefully he'll get out, but we'll see how that goes.

Right, because he might have to bail out still, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he did violate a restraining order against his uncle, and then he documented it and showed up with boxing gloves.

Not a smart idea.

I mean, the judge is not going to be like, that was a good idea.

Yeah.

You know what also is interesting

is to have this perspective.

one might actually think it's directly correlated to one's intelligence.

You know?

No.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Well, there's kind of this bell curve for

IQ.

And it could be that somebody

on either side of this either tells themself you need to change your perspective and they're on the right side of the curve or that some people that are on the left side of that curve just go,

this isn't that bad.

This isn't that bad.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Well, look, Tom, there are a lot of gentlemen and some women who prefer life on the inside because it is consistent.

There is some discipline.

There is some structure to their day-to-day existence.

Now, the one thing he's going to run into is there's no women.

That's a problem.

But he also, he opened his third eye to the possibilities of that being a cool thing, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

This is just, I'm disappointed because we did team up.

We were all set.

Now, here's the other person that was all set: Alexis Fox.

Alexis, who is an adult superstar, was ready to introduce Tony into that world by having his debut scene be with her, which is the best case scenario, right?

Like, you're really going to be with a big-time performer here.

Truly.

And that legitimizes him in that field.

He would have to leg up.

She had a set, like a place to shoot the scene all ready to go because we were going with, ironically, it was going to be a jail scene.

Oh, wow.

Right?

That is ironic.

So she got the set, it was all set to go.

Then she gets word: Tony's not available.

Well, she's already paid to use, like, reserve the set.

So she decided to use the set anyway and gave us a shout-out from the set.

She was like, this is dedicated to you guys.

She went airtight.

Wow.

Isn't that cool?

Alexis.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

That's pretty cool.

Let's see.

There's a gentleman there.

Yep.

One, two, three.

Two, three.

Yep.

That's every hole.

That's every hole.

Don't drop the soap.

It says in the background.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That could have been Tony.

That could have been, well, he could have been one of them.

Yeah, that's too bad that he

missed out on this because it looks like they're having fun.

That definitely looks like a good time.

It's a good shot.

You can see everything happening.

Yeah.

And so I'm sure if we sent this to Tony, he'd be like, shit, I got to get out of here.

Yeah.

I got to be one of these guys.

Maybe he could hang this in his cell.

Yeah.

You know, is like sometimes they put pinups there and that could be his.

I don't know if you can DM him or not, but that would be maybe motivation.

Pretty cool.

Yeah.

Thank you, Alexis.

That's really sweet of you to send that along.

You know, I've been working on my Itlian for quite a while now.

Yes.

I need to shout out to my tutor again because that's very helpful.

You've been actually consistently with your tutor in Hungarian.

That's right.

I've been relearning my mother tongue.

And it's such a beautiful language.

And

we have this

clip here from, I guess, a website where.

Oh, oh, I thought this is a thing I yeah, you sent in.

Like it's a little.

Yeah, so my tutor taught me this word, and I wanted to share it with the entire universe.

Yeah, let's share it.

It's so fun.

Let's share the word, then you can tell us what it means.

I can't say it, but I know, but I'll play it, and then you tell us what this word means.

Ready?

Here we go.

And that's slow.

Not that word perse.

Perse is, yes, of course.

But that megata postachtadoitata.

Can you play that again?

Yeah, sure.

Just so people get that.

Okay.

That's one word in Hungary.

That's one word in Hungarian.

And it means.

I'll tell you, this is the best.

So it's based on the dish Teltot Kaposta, which is stuffed cabbage.

Okay?

And what this one word means is that there's so much meat and cabbage in this pot that I am making Totot Kaposta in, I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot.

That's what that one word means.

There's so much meat and cabbage in this pot of Tel Tkaposta.

I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot.

Which means

that so many people people

were running into the issue of I can't fit any more goddamn cabbage in here.

And I'd like to express this in a word.

In one word.

That everybody was like, Here's a word.

Here's a word that expresses that sentiment.

This is a uniquely but universal concept to all of us.

So, how about megatopota tan dadi peta?

And then it's like everyone's like, Yeah, I get it.

Your fucking cabbage is out of control.

That's one word.

I got so much cabbage.

I got too much cabbage.

There's too much cabbage in here.

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And they opted for this versus saying, I have too much cap.

Like, it's such a too much cap.

But it's such a familiar sentiment that they would go, well, why say the whole sentence?

You could just say the word.

And everybody goes,

This is enough of an issue in Hungarian culture.

And I asked my tutor, I'm like, would my parents know this word?

And she's like, yeah, of course.

Like, what are you stupid?

This is.

People know this word, dummy.

They'll put it together pretty fucking quick.

And I'm like, I can't even, I can't even.

You know, it's a real peasant word, too.

Of course,

I'm a peasant dummy.

You don't know this by now?

This is such a peasants' word.

Like, I bet if you, if you ran this by your parents, they would be like, oh, yeah.

But they'd be like, yeah, they're fucking villagers who say this shit when they're making their fucking stuffed kaiba.

Right.

That's the thing, too.

There's a real distinction in Hungarian culture about villager versus like city folk.

Yeah.

And even my tutor says it.

Because your stepmom was a kind of a villager.

She was a villager.

She'd be like, oh, this was always.

Do do you want to know the name of our town, which was even sounds like a villager?

It's called Porost.

You say Porost, it means like a farmer, it's like a slang word for a villager.

Does it kind of have a negative kind of thing?

Again, like Tigan, like gypsy at Porost, and a Tigan like dirt.

Oh, you are at Porost.

Porost is a villager, yeah.

So she was from a place called Shorokshag, which is like Porost

Central.

Yeah, you're from Shorokshag?

You fucking villager, yeah, it's goddamn dirty gypsy, yeah, yeah, totes gypsies, yeah.

So,

did you ever call her a gypsy?

Ma'am, are you kidding me?

Oh my God.

One time one Christmas Eve, my dad.

I should have come in and be like, are you a gypsy?

I'm just seeing her be like, what?

One time my dad on Christmas Eve came down in like a shiny 90s shirt.

And I was about 14 years old.

And I go, oh, my God, you look like a giggolo.

And that was not good.

That wasn't good.

And I had to run.

And I hid in my room and I was not allowed to come down until the next day.

Christmas Eve, I lost out on because I call my dad a giggolo.

And I think it's because it was a little close to the bone, as Eddie is listening and laughing right now.

Because it's too close to the bone.

He knew it.

He knew I fucking knew what was up with him.

Yeah.

But you called him a gigolo.

I did call him.

He looked like a gigolo.

Yeah.

I probably just learned what that word meant.

But if you had called him a gypsy,

even worse.

Backhand straight to the mouth.

Yeah.

It's crazy that I literally have a story like that.

I mean, basically the same.

I'm just going to tell the same story, but I had the same thing.

I called my dad a player.

We were both drunk, and I called him a player.

He let me drink.

I was like 16.

And I was like, yeah, because you a player, huh?

And he's just like, what?

What'd you call me?

I was like,

a player.

Like, player, like, you get game, you know?

He's just like,

I'm your father.

You call me dad or father.

That's it.

I don't hear no player, no dude, none of that.

He got furious.

And then I called him dude once.

He got mad at that too.

My dad got mad at me for calling him dude once.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, in the car.

I was like, dude, he goes, cut the dude shit.

he's like i'm not fucking dude and i was like all right okay our kids call me dude every day i'm like yeah that's right bro yeah dude bro wow wow that's wild yeah that's crazy that somebody else has that story i definitely don't know unique what's up playboy what's up playboy i think like the yeah because any and i on some level knew that like they're you know that's what well with your dad's that both of those things rang true yeah so that's what i got right because he is a player and your dad is a gigolo Yep, yeah, and I thought it was a compliment, right?

Well, I damn it.

I knew.

I was like, you look like a fucking gigolo.

Yo.

Yeah, I wasn't trying to play games.

I was like, you know, yeah, you get game.

You know, he's like, yeah.

What the fuck did you just say?

Oh, shit.

Wait.

It's a good thing.

It's a good thing.

You're a player, dog.

Yeah.

No, I'm father.

But I do think in Hungarian culture, calling somebody gypsy is like the worst thing.

Yeah, that's the lowest of the game.

And I'll always remember the first time I went to Budapest,

I went to do a show.

I'd never been.

Obviously, you're Hungarian.

I know, you know, eight words over the years that you taught me.

None of them are helpful.

But I got up there on stage, and this is like, I don't know, it's like a 300-person venue.

Great to be in Budapest.

Only thing I don't like are the Rochatsigans.

And they broke into huge applause for rotten gypsies.

And then I told my driver the same word, and and he goes, Oh,

he goes, be careful, they kill you for this.

Now they do.

Because when we were in Italy, I noticed too, because I called them gypsies.

And he's like, no, no, you can't say gypsy no more.

You have to say Roma.

I'm like, well, I'm sure the Romans love that.

Yeah.

Roma.

Roma.

Fucking break.

Anyway.

Anyway,

another

crazy thing that appeared in my algorithm the other day.

And I have the best algorithm on the interwebs.

Like, I have ruined other people's experiences.

And yeah, I mean, Andrew,

Agent Jeans,

he was just like, dude, everything's all fucked up now.

You keep sending me stuff.

Sickler told me, he's like, yeah, he's like, yeah, I don't have fun anymore on here.

Everything you sent me changed my whole experience.

But I'm just scrolling along, and usually it's like chaos and destruction, and you know, accidents, workplace accidents, car accidents, gunfire, killings, all kinds of shit.

And then I see some other things, and I just scrolling along, and I see this.

There he is.

That's in public.

It's the one that got away.

The one that got away.

Why are you showing me?

It's upsetting me because we've reached out to him so many for a decade.

If you don't know, that's King Ass Ripper.

And he was like the OG amaze.

Like, this cool guy is so cool that when we discovered him, I think both of us had different experiences where we had to pull over on the side of the road.

Yeah.

Like we were.

Yes, I remember this.

Yeah.

I pulled over on the side of the road.

Yeah.

And I was like, who is this amazing man?

And he even put out a couple videos that he, because he would never respond.

We tried every tactic

to contact this guy.

And one time he put up a video and just wrote, like, in the caption, it was like, shout out to your mom's house.

That was it.

That's all he would do.

He acknowledged us.

Yeah.

But King Ashripper would change accounts.

So he would be on LiveLeak under one account and then on YouTube.

And then that account would go down.

He'd open another one over here.

It was always hard to find him.

We could never get a response.

And then I just saw this, you know.

But it's.

But also

that's Ashripper.

Yeah.

Hold on.

Let me go sniff that one.

Yeah.

Sniff that one.

Yeah.

So for those of you who don't know, do we have any old

videos of Ass Ripper to show the audience?

Because I know I want to take a walk down Ass Ripper.

Oh, my God.

But he is really look,

dude.

He has...

This is other level.

He was always at home.

This is a public setting.

He has set up his camera in a restaurant.

He never did that.

And he is.

He never did that.

He is stuffing himself.

There's food all over his face and his body.

It's insane.

he so he would do it remember in his bedroom yeah he would do it in his car yeah and keep in mind this guy started this 10 years ago at least this is before only fans this is before you would see this stuff commonly and he'd wear his little tidy whiteys yeah and he'd look over his shoulder oops yeah and then he'd finger the holes in his chonies and his dirty yeah white undertones and they'd be very brown very brown he'd have crazy brown streaks yeah remember the one in his kitchen?

Yeah.

Where he would like open a Tarpaware, fart,

and he'd be like, oh.

Then one time he set out all this food and he farted on all the food.

That's right.

And then he ate it.

He ate the food, yeah.

Yeah.

This guy was such a talent.

And I'm so.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, the Christmas one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, it's one.

One of the greats.

Two.

And to be be able to do this, have a fart for each style.

There's three in a row.

And this is before people were editing things.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ, man.

This is in real time.

Yeah.

This is in real time.

Yeah.

How did he have three in the barrel?

I have no idea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was fucking amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no, he did edit.

I'm sorry.

There was an edit.

Do we have the one where he's also gained 100 pounds?

That's insane.

Yeah, I know that, but he gained it while we were following

waste the working because he because then he started to be a gainer.

Yes, like he was like, Here's all this food I'm eating.

God, he was you do the math.

Like, he was like, That's a 500 calories,

and this is 800 calories.

And he listed all the calories, and then he goes, You do the math.

Yeah,

a large pizza.

Not only that,

a large pizza,

and I'm going to fucking drench it.

Oh.

You know, I always got to drench my goddamn food in sausage gravy this time.

Jesus.

Not mayonnaise.

Sausage gravy.

That's very innovative.

Nobody's doing this.

Whole cans of sausage gravy.

And cold.

Nobody was doing this.

And then I got a third can of sausage.

Three cans.

I'm going to fucking smother my goddamn pizza and all the fucking sausage gravy.

the fact jesus that pizza looks so good he's gonna ruin it with the gravy i thought ranch maybe would be he's trying to get he's trying to get calorically up there wow

see the thing is i can't believe sauce and gravy pizza

i don't like it i don't like the sauce and the gravy the thing is that i can't believe is that with our show yeah and its reach and its audience that not one person has ever been like oh i know this guy well look we haven't tried in about how many years to get a hold of him.

Years.

Maybe we could try again.

Does anybody know King Assripper?

Do you know who this is?

Can you get a hold of him?

Can you tell him to contact us?

Get on your mom's house.

Do you remember what city he was in?

I don't know why I felt like it was Michigan or something.

Is it Detroit?

Oh, maybe Detroit.

I think Romulus, Michigan.

Oh,

I had it.

Josh, that was.

Somebody's got to recognize him on a personal level.

Somebody does.

And they're like, that's fucking...

Yeah, that's Jake.

Tim, yeah.

he?

Oh, he doesn't do that anymore.

He's got a family.

He works at the factory.

Can you imagine the woman that's like, oh yeah, he used to.

He used to do this stuff.

This is when I met him.

The king has stated that he lives in, oh, Michigan.

He's 35, born September 14th.

I would imagine he doesn't want his name out there because it's not hard to find someone's address or phone.

That's fine.

Found all this shit and never once thought about exposing him.

Obviously, other people don't think the same.

I do want to know what his motive is, though.

Why is he purposely gaining?

How the hell does he shake the whole house when he farts?

Well, we had our speculation that it's for sex work.

Yeah, and I'm, by the way, just to be clear, I'm not trying to learn his name or, you know,

yeah, I'm not trying to do that to him.

I just wanted to be like,

you know,

I want to talk to him.

We want him to work again.

I want him in my life again.

I miss you.

We miss you, King.

Someone's saying, I want to pay for his dirty underwear.

Yeah.

I would.

We just miss you, buddy.

We miss your work.

You haven't made a new video in so long.

Where are you?

Are you okay?

Rip ass again.

Nobody does it like this guy.

Nobody did it like King Ass Ripper.

Yeah.

You know, I do, amongst the cool guys, there are men with just raw talent.

Robert Paul Champagne has that spirit.

Yeah.

Do you have his fart montage?

Like one of his

King Ass Ripper fart montage.

What's his name?

The old guy.

You know, Leo.

In such a way, that guy's got that spark to you.

He does have a spark to him.

Yeah.

10 to 12 Benadryl guy.

He's got a spark.

King Ass Ripper was unlike any other cool guy.

Yeah, he really is.

He kind of laid the foundation for finding people like this.

Of course.

He was one of our first children.

And it just made me crazy that we couldn't talk to him.

And we offered him money.

We offered him everything.

He did it for the love of the game.

Purely.

That's, you got to respect it.

And maybe we won't get a hold of him, but I still respect it.

He's really talented.

It kind of makes me sad.

I like that he's a gainer, though.

He's got to be over three bills now.

He was probably like 180.

But why stop doing it?

He was already successful.

We were on board.

There's so many mysteries to him.

Why did he stop?

Why did he not want fame?

Why did he not want to get bigger than he was?

Because he kept doing the videos after we reach out.

It's not like he didn't want to do what he was doing.

He was still doing it.

I know.

I got to go piss.

Okay.

So.

Look at this.

Yeah.

Who doesn't do that?

Listen to that fart, bro.

Tom is so used to it.

Sniff that one.

Oh, that's what that's from.

I didn't realize it's from the dog.

No, I didn't know.

Oh, wow.

Tom, I feel like you and I are revisiting an old flame.

Yeah.

Don't you feel?

I know.

You're like, he was such a good boyfriend.

Yeah,

why did we ever not?

I know.

And then sometimes you go, oh, the thing is,

there was good qualities to him.

I'm going to smash all this goddamn McDonald's.

Yeah, he got some fat.

Yeah.

Milkshakes, Big Macs, triple cheeseburgers, McNuggets, frogs, fish flags, sandwiches.

Ooh, I love a fish brain.

Wow.

He became like a serious gainer.

he did he got into this lane

yeah he can i tell you i think he's an authentic gainer i don't think it's even for monetary things at all i don't know if anybody was we would have found how he was monetized hold on tom what but but don't you isn't this for fetish don't you need a no what i'm saying is

He's doing it for fetish, but just for the dopamine drip of the the fetish.

Most people do this, and especially if they're public, there's a monetary component.

I see what you're saying.

I don't think there's any monetary component to it.

I think you're right because he shunned it, he didn't want it.

Yeah, if he was after money, he would have been like, Oh, this is a platform that'll like give me more exposure.

I'll make more money.

I think he really just gets off on this.

Oh, that's why,

yeah, I think you're right.

He was absolutely stuffing himself.

Also, something else to point out

is that he always

had a roof over his head and a car.

He did.

So he was employed.

That's true.

He's employed.

That's true.

This guy was showing up to work somewhere.

That's right.

And that's probably why he didn't want the exposure back then.

Which is crazy because someone from work was like, hey, man, I saw your fucking

fart stuff.

But

maybe that's why he stopped making the videos.

Maybe he wanted to be a regular guy.

I don't know, but it's a talent wasted if that's the case.

Yeah.

Aye, yeah, yeah.

I miss him so much.

Your clock's not running.

Bam.

So

come back to us, King Ashipper.

King Ashup or come back.

Annie,

I got...

What?

That's what the addict is.

What do you want, man?

This is so stupid.

I shouldn't have said shit.

God damn it.

Annie just hits the exact, like the perfect mark of the black guy stereotype where they don't like gay stuff.

So sometimes when I find gay shit on Instagram, I send it to them.

It's fucking crazy, dude.

You have gay niggas on your feed, on your feed.

Like they're coming to you with algorithms like this nigga likes gay niggas.

And you're just like, yep, send, like.

Like how upset he is.

I sent him this and he got upset.

Let's see.

Morning, baby.

They're just

sweet.

They're not doing anything crazy.

I don't even want to.

I say good good morning, asshole.

Go to church, bro.

That's what I deal with on a daily basis.

When I'm not in trouble.

You're never in trouble.

Any?

I gotta go, folks.

Hey.

Say good morning.

Anyway.

Any.

What?

There's just guys just saying good morning.

Man.

This is stupid, man.

This is fucking.

This is dumb.

We got a show.

Okay.

That was upsetting.

What?

I don't want to see it.

You know, like, hey, do your thing.

But it's like you said.

Just like you don't want to see the fucking school body pop, bop, body, bop.

You know, you don't want to see that dumb shit.

Yeah.

All right.

I just don't want to see this dumb shit.

So, like, keep it inside.

But there's just saying good morning.

Like, hey, good morning.

Say good morning fucking to yourself.

Keep it inside.

I don't need that shit.

I don't need it in my life.

It's fucking.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Black people being homophobic is my favorite.

It is pretty awesome.

I love when black dudes are like, hey, hold up.

If you're like, man,

this is really hard.

They're like, yo, pause, man.

Pause, dog.

What are you trying to say?

You're like, oh, fucking, are we in fifth grade?

Like, hold up, man.

Shit was mad suspect the way you said the shit was hard.

Sorry.

Yeah.

But I also love how black comics are openly homophobic.

100%.

So accepted.

And it's fine.

Like, that's that's what they're fine.

Culturally, they're like, nah, I don't fuck with no gay shit.

They say it all the time.

I love it.

I know.

And white comics live in a world.

Straight white male comics dance constantly on the line of gay, like gay joke, you know, acting gay.

Hey, yeah, how about we suck each other's dick after?

Like, and then black guys are always like, say what?

Like, never engaging in it.

I know.

There's like entire premises about things like that's some gay shit.

We don't do no gay shit.

We don't fuck with no gay shit, man.

You're like, got it.

Yeah, I got it.

Hey, I respect it.

Can I, may I prize, priest, to share that?

May I prize bring up, we have a dental update in your mom's house world, but I would like to start doing vision updates.

Okay.

I, as you can see, I'm again wearing these glasses.

I haven't worn these in years.

I just allow myself to see things blurrily because I don't want to fucking wear them.

Yeah.

Turns out radiation kills your vision.

I didn't know that.

I didn't know when they were raiding my body.

Are you just trying to one-up me now on fucking Invisalign?

So I have all my reading is gone to shit, my readers, and now I have to wear these fucking gay distance dad glasses.

Now, like with you, I got to wear these all the time.

My eyes are just done.

Cooked, have you had your, you haven't done your annual your pap smear yet?

I haven't had my pap smear yet this year, but every time I've gone for the last four years, they're like, oh yeah, you need a higher prescription now.

Every year it's going to be your eyes are gayer this year than they were last year.

And I'm like, okay.

Yeah, that's what my doctor said.

She's like, you're getting gayer and lesbianicer every year.

Every year.

Also, good news, because of radiation, I now have the beginnings of cataracts.

Cataracts.

I have cataracts now.

Maybe you can have a cool cataract surgery.

She said, yeah, not now.

Like in 20 years, I'll definitely need that.

That's cool.

So I've got a bunch of new looks coming for you guys.

You're going to see me wearing different spectacles because, you know, why not?

Well, that also reminds me that I have a different cool update.

This one, I have to say, outdoes cancer.

I never do anything this awful.

You also didn't let me talk about it in the pre-production meeting.

You're like, no, save it.

Save it for the floor.

Save it for the floor.

They need to hear it.

So,

hold on.

I need to simmer.

I guess I'm gonna have to do it.

For the longest time,

I guess I've had pretty inconsistent GI

15, 20 years at least that I've known you.

Yeah, we're like, what I'm saying is, okay,

I have to preface it like this.

I have to preface it like this.

When I was more reckless with my health, eating like an asshole every day, part of what comes with that is shitting like a maniac too, right?

But you kind of don't really,

you know, you can't really go, oh, I don't know what's going on because you're eating like an asshole.

Like if you're having like, you know, french fries and fried foods and like deep fried this and high sugar and high fat, you know, your guts are going to be a mess.

So I was just like, oh, diarrhea is a way of life, right?

That's just what happens.

Like I eat crazy and then I explode.

And then price you pay for fun.

Yeah.

And then like, of course, I would have normal bowel movements too, but it was always all over the map.

So a few years back, I started taking better care of myself, eating healthier, you know, a lot more lean foods, cutting out sugar, cutting out dairy, things like this.

And my bowels did improve, but I still have this thing where I'm like, you know, I'll go to dinner with you or I'll go on the road and have dinner with like four or five of the guys I tour with and we'll have the same thing.

And then I go, oh, I had a crazy shit this morning.

How about you guys?

Everyone's like, no, normal.

Or, you know, like, we have the same food.

I'm like, oh, that really fucked me up.

And you're like, I'm fine.

So

at a certain point, you're like, I feel crazy not at least trying to figure it out.

I should say that four and a half years ago, I had this thought and I got a colonoscopy.

And I was excited for them to tell me,

oh, here's what it is.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, sure.

I have the colonoscopy.

I get the results.

I'm like, oh, I get the call from the doctor he's like yeah your colonoscopy is pretty normal and i go what do you mean he's like he's like you have a slight like irritation but like in the normal range of irritate like minimal you don't have anything you don't have polyps you don't have like something where we see oh this is your issue so then i'm like okay and you just kind of keep like my he's like yeah your your gi track is normal

Keep going, keep going.

And then this year, it's like, again, I feel crazy.

And then you get one.

So I'm i'm like well this is the perfect time to like have this conversation again

yes you have the colonoscopy again or or for your first time and i talk to your doctor and i'm like i just don't i feel like something is wrong but i just don't understand what it is it's like so inconsistent so she's great and she's like all right she goes she calls me and she goes we're gonna figure this out like because i i i lay out in detail everything that I can.

Here's what I'm eating.

Here's what happens.

And there's, and like, I even gave gave the example, I could be eating like very, very clean, right?

Like, very clean, like some fruit here and, and chicken breast, and, and a sweet potato, and then, you know, like good, healthy food.

And I could have a disaster.

And then three days later, I might be like, oh, fuck it.

I'm going to have a cheeseburger and I have a healthy bowel.

Like, nothing makes sense.

It doesn't make any sense.

So she's like, well, to figure this out,

we're going to run some tests.

So she's like, I need you to go give blood.

So I gave blood, and then

she goes, Now I need you to go pick up your stool kit.

So I go to the doctor and I pick up a bucket that I have to shit into.

And then

she gave me 12 vials

that have scoopers.

And I have to

pick up shit with the scooper and put it into each vial.

Eight of the vials are room temperature.

Two of them I have to put in the fridge and two I have to put into the freezer.

So I have to freeze shit, keep some shit cool, and I have other shit room temp.

And I have to then take all that and deliver it to a lab and go, this was frozen, this was refrigerated, this I kept on the counter.

And I have to drop off 12 vials of shit.

And the bucket, by the way, it's a plastic, like flimsy thing.

And she goes, oh, please make sure you don't return the bucket.

We don't want it after you've shit in it because some people bring it back.

I was like, I go, I was never going to bring it back.

She was like, I just have to let you know.

So I picked it up.

And she's like, you might not have enough shit to fill up the 12 vials.

Oh, you will.

But like, just do it over.

And I'm like gagging as she's, I'm like,

and then I go, can I borrow some gloves?

Can I take a couple of gloves with me?

And she's like, oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

So anyway, she goes, you might do it multiple times.

Like shit, like one day you shit and you fill these up.

And the next day you shit and you fill these up.

How big are these vials?

I mean, they're just like, you know, like bigger than a blood vial.

Okay.

Is it like

you got tons of shit?

You could fill a blood vial.

I know, but then here's the other part of me.

I don't want to scoop up a slop shit.

I'm like telling myself, because you can kind kind of feel it.

You're like, oh, this is going to be a bad one.

So I'm like trying to gauge when a good shit's coming, and then I'm going to shit into that bucket.

Yo, I got to tell you something.

Yeah.

I'd rather have my tits cut off and do radiation than do that.

Then shit the bucket.

I wouldn't.

No, no.

I don't even mind shitting in the bucket.

It's the fact that you.

You have to scoop it out.

Scoop it and then put it into 12 containers and then hold.

It's not enough.

Then you have to freeze some, refrigerate some, and then walk it to the lab.

I mean, hold on.

The only thing that that there's no service that can just take the shit and separates it for you.

No.

What pisses me off

is the idea that I will do all this.

And then they go, everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

Well, also, who's his first doctor that was like, you're all clean, see you later, and then gave up?

It was a GI at like Cedars in LA.

Like, he was just like, you're fine.

That's why I don't think Cedars is necessarily the best.

Austin, I've had better health care.

I mean, because they actually have the time to give a shit about you out here.

I don't know.

This guy.

I don't know.

They have to figure this out with you.

I can't imagine.

I mean, that's what we're doing.

We're just trying to figure out what's going on

in my butt.

What is y'all?

I'm just getting out the shower, and I realize it's a sore next to my butthole.

Have y'all got sores in y'all butthole?

I don't know if it's cameras.

When I take a shower, I wipe inside my butthole, or if I'm rubbing the tissue too hard, or whatever.

That shit's sore as hell when I got in that shower.

I spread my cheeks and let the water just hit that motherfucker, and it just said, ah,

ah.

Ah.

I don't have sores, though.

They're not sores, but if she's rubbing them and

maybe she's wiping too hard and they're bleeding,

they shouldn't be sores.

They should just be like skin.

Who knows?

Who knows what's going on there?

I hope your butthole feels better, man.

Why are you freezing it?

I don't know, and I didn't ask, and I don't want to know.

I just want to drop off the shit.

Which fridge and freezer do you think you'll be using?

Not the family's food.

Oh, no.

I'll be putting it in our other fridges.

No, of course I'm going to put it in.

No, I'm putting it in the kitchen fridge.

Oh, my God.

You can't.

I will, and I can.

And then where are you going to lay out your other lives?

On your counter.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to puke.

You better hide that.

This one is...

Well, I asked you, I was like, do you need help?

Like, are you going to...

First of all, you've never shit into a bucket before.

So it might be, that's the first challenge is how do you know you can even shit into a bucket successfully?

I want to fucking throw up just thinking.

It's horrible.

Yeah.

This is terrible.

There's got to be a better way that they're not telling you.

Will you guys come help me?

We can document it.

We can film the whole thing.

This is what I was thinking.

This is great content.

This is great content.

Annie, what would you rather watch?

Two gay guys saying good morning in bed or me scooping my shit into vials?

50,000.

Fucking answer.

We're going to get there sooner or later.

That's the answer.

No, which one is worse?

You have to choose.

I don't want to choose one.

You can't even pick which one is worse.

You have to choose one, man.

I don't want either of these things.

Wait a minute.

You're asking me what I do it?

Like, scoop it?

No.

I said,

which is worse for you to watch?

To watch it?

Gay stuff or worse.

Gay stuff or me scooping my shit into a vial.

What am I watching?

You scoop it?

That's it?

And you put it in a vial?

Yeah.

That ain't shit.

That's fine.

Wow.

I can't watch you do that.

Your own shit?

What kind of spoon are they giving you?

Is it like a regular spoon?

That's so gay.

There's got to be a better way that we're not thinking of.

There's no way that everybody's doing this.

That's how you do it.

This is disgusting.

No, so you have, so the top of the vial,

the thing that you screw off, has a little shovel.

Oh, the scooper, yeah.

So you scoop the shit and you put it in the hole.

How much cacao?

That's the other fucking thing.

Is they're like, don't put too much shit and don't put too little shit.

So how much shit put the perfect amount of shit in here?

And you're like, okay.

But what would that be?

There's got got to be lines or something on it right tanner says he'll watch me shit tanner won't watch anything ever it's cool but will tanner scoop the shit for me it's not i this the scooping of the shit is what troubles me oh my god i don't want anyone else to do it honestly

i don't want anyone else to do it i know i'd pay fiverr to do it you'd pay like i would pay like a like get a fiver guy i would do that like you wouldn't do it yourself like a postmate what if the doctor was like huh if the doctor's like we need you to do this you'd be like i'm not doing it i mean, no, I'm saying I'll do it, but like, someone else is going to do it.

I'll hire like the auntie.

That's what I'm saying.

That'd be a long talk with the Fiverr.

He'd be like, wait, what?

You're like, so I'll shit into this bucket.

Yeah.

What's the matter, man?

You don't like money?

You don't have to come.

I'm telling you.

All you need to do.

You got, when are you going to do this?

Like, as soon as possible, right?

How long are you keeping this in my fridge?

That's the real question.

No, a week?

No.

No, just like overnight, overnight, just to see what bacteria grows, probably.

Just what's in there?

They're obviously running a lot of tests if they're having me shit this much.

Yeah.

What about like the fecal matter particles and shit, like getting in your fridge?

They don't tell you, they don't do nothing about that.

Well, you just like you put the

you seal the vial, and then the vial goes into a bag, and that's vacuum sealed.

It's not vacuum sealed.

It's not enough to prevent shit flex from going everywhere in my food.

It's disgusting.

You can't put it where they're going to be able to do it.

I'm excited to do this.

I am now excited at the idea

of people seeing the shit in the fridge.

This is what motivates me.

Okay.

Here you go.

They think it's bacterial.

That's why they're culturing your kaka.

I guess.

Well, if it's not physiological, if there's no stuff in the middle of the city.

I know then

maybe I have something in me.

Parasite or something?

I don't know.

That would be awesome.

awesome you know how much weight you lose with a parasite so lucky okay do you know women give themselves parasites to lose weight that's cool like it's a thing okay here we go any

this is also for you any watching geisha no it's not geisha it's not gay it's it's it's your inner thoughts oh this promise you

promise you bro bro

what they're gonna write on my tombstone every bitch every hole every thought every shawty that i fuck with dated all my i got six kids my four baby mamas.

You can interview all of them.

That's any of them.

My wife, they'll tell you, nobody is harder on a bitch than me.

That's true.

Nobody gives less than a fuck about a bitch than me.

Nobody's going to get in their purse money over bitches than me.

Purse before pussy.

Yeah.

Cash first, ass last.

Yeah.

Nobody, that's what they're going to write on my tombstone.

Nobody was harder on a bitch than him.

That's a cool thing on a tombstone.

Everybody's home.

Any, how many brothers and sisters do you have?

Zero.

That we know of.

Nobody is harder on a bitch than me.

That is the coolest tombstone thing, though.

Nobody's harder on a bench than me.

For that to be on your tombstone, that would be amazing.

I've changed my tone on this dude, too.

I was saying that maybe he don't get bitches like that, but no, actually, you can't be that confident saying this shit if you don't get some bitches.

But now, you know what I think it is?

Is that he gets young bitches.

They're too young.

Dummies.

Yeah, Yeah, they're stupid.

So he just takes a lot of people.

He talks about his wife sometimes.

And then other baby mamas, too.

He's got a lot.

Yeah.

And I bet they all agree.

Nobody's harder than a bit on a business.

I bet they do, yeah.

Especially it's time to make these cool videos about it.

Today I'm going to call as many of my chicks as I can

and just play games with them.

Just

kind of make them miserable a little bit and shit.

Like promise some shit I'm going to do for them and don't do it.

you know just lie and shit just

see you gotta see women like to play games you gotta stay in their head man you gotta disappoint them sometimes let them down

you know you gotta

you gotta be toxic a little bit sometimes you be like man look just grab them on their side or something be like you getting fatten bro bro what's up you getting a little flabby they be all

they'll playing it off like it ain't shit.

And then when you turn your back, they go in the bathroom, close the door, be in the mirror, turning around, looking like, what the fuck?

Damn, what the?

He really has a good time with this, though.

Yeah, he's pleased with himself.

Yeah.

I know that, so

I've seen my dad pull that, actually.

Yeah, he did it a few times on women.

Yeah.

You get getting, but he wouldn't do it like that where you'd joke with him.

He'd be like, I don't like this.

Okay?

You're too fat.

It's not exciting for me.

Like, he would just straight up

tell him.

I'm not attracted to you.

You're too fat.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Which is even meaner.

And then they go,

yeah, and then they get on diet.

You gotta disappoint them sometimes.

See, I just thought my dad disappointed all of us unconsciously.

I didn't realize it was like

premeditated.

What do you think, Anning?

Do you think your dad

didn't show up on purpose to fuck with you?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I told you in the beginning,

that's why this dude's like, bitches don't understand.

Like, they don't respect me or appreciate shit.

It's like, because you set the standard that, like, if I answer the phone, that's a gift.

That's a big deal.

That's a huge, yeah.

I don't usually do that for you, right?

So

I'm being so nice to you right now.

Yeah, it's a step.

It's so toxic.

Usually you don't

hear somebody go

be toxic.

Like, most people who are toxic are kind of unaware of their ways being like

the awareness is pretty cool.

I do feel like he's even a level above this game.

He's putting out, this is a tutorial.

Yeah, he's brilliant.

This is pretty cool.

He's a savant.

He's a toxic savant.

I got to say, kudos to you, sir.

Yeah.

This is rare.

Yeah.

That a guy is.

He's a very bright guy, actually.

Yeah, he's a smart guy.

Also, it'd be cool.

I don't know.

Maybe we could stop calling it my inner thoughts because I don't like this movie.

So, you know, that'd be cool.

I don't like inner social media.

Okay, okay.

All right.

Sorry.

We'll start calling it

your Christina's dad's inner thoughts.

Yes.

We do need a new segment just called Showing Any Gay Shit.

Yeah.

Because I do like how upset he gets.

Josh, could you start pulling some homosexual, black homosexual clips to show Annie?

Or just gay in general.

We've been homies for a long time.

Long time.

I know.

Here's some horrible or hilarious for you, Christina.

Oh, fuck.

Here we go.

I already know this is going to end with violence.

This is gonna end with violence.

Oh, fuck.

What even happened?

What is that?

Cheese block?

I don't understand what I saw.

He was celebrating.

Oh, he got a candle.

That was a candle that got stuck in his head.

Because he did it with so much force.

Okay, well, I don't hear anybody LOLing.

No one was LOLing at that one.

We can go on.

Okay.

Next.

Oh, the donkey rally.

Oh.

No, I hate horses, tiny horses, donkeys of all kinds.

They can go fuck themselves.

Good.

That's what you get.

I think it would have been a lot better if they had face planted.

True.

They actually turned.

They did the thing you're supposed to do.

But it would have been nice to see a direct.

You're supposed to turn when you get thrown off a barrel.

Well, like, otherwise it would have been a direct face plant.

That's true.

I didn't know that that was standard protocol.

That's what they tell you to do.

Oh, good.

I like this already.

Oh, shit.

Oh, she broke her leg.

You see it?

No.

This leg closest to you?

It's okay.

Is broken.

Cool.

Look.

It's okay.

See, it's underneath her.

That was bad.

Okey-doky.

No, thanks.

Wow.

World of Warcraft wrestling.

What is this?

Okay.

She had to be taken out in a stretcher, yeah.

That was pretty cool.

You didn't like that one?

I thought it was going to be some fat stuff, and I always like fat people doing stuff, but

I hate these guys on bikes, skateboards, and like

oh, just

take a little.

I don't know why that went wrong because that's theoretically how they all do it.

We got stuck.

Yeah, he um uh

I like this

shit man.

Oh, I see what happened.

See, he um when he goes down here, okay

Then he tries to overcompensate by dipping his body.

See how low he goes?

Yeah, So he gets off the back of the bike, and then the momentum when he comes forward launches him forward.

Aye yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not good.

Yeah.

And then he landed, looks like straight onto his head.

Cool.

That could have ended pretty poorly.

No serious injuries.

That's cool.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm done.

Well, nobody LOL'd on there.

No, there wasn't a lot of laughs there.

Okay.

I'll just do something that'll make you laugh.

Somebody tell me how they say it is in Japanese or Chinese or Vietnamese or the other nice.

This should say bitch niggle.

Don't it.

Tell me it don't say bitch nigga.

Tell me.

It does.

Hair and skincare.

Yeah.

It does say that.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Uh-huh.

That's amazing.

This should say bitch niggle.

It kind of.

It does.

How would you say I have an appointment there?

Oh, my God.

How do they answer the phone?

Can we find it?

Can we call them?

How do you

there's got it's got to exist.

Let's call and see how they answer.

I don't know.

That's a good idea.

Yeah.

Let's look it up here.

Josh can find it in like two seconds.

Let's call.

What's this place?

Hair and skincare.

Oh, it's real.

It's Houston.

It's Houston.

It's Houston.

Oh, let's call it.

Dude, they're open.

Call it right now, dude.

It's open.

No, it's closed.

Opens 10 a.m.

Can you call them?

So if they don't say their name when they answer,

Josh, if they don't say it, be like, what is this?

Where am I calling?

Okay,

let's see if they pick up with being closed.

Okay.

Oh, they're not closed, are they?

Yeah, it says hours.

It says closed.

It's Wednesday.

Yeah, they're just closed today.

Oh, they're.

Oh, let's see what the voice note says.

I can just try it on my phone.

Okay.

That's exciting.

In a cash-only setting, that's a real foreign vibes.

No card.

No.

No, foreigners don't do cards, dude.

Here we go.

Damn it.

Yeah, they just ring and ring and ring, right?

No.

They don't give a fuck, dude.

These places do not give a fuck.

Oh, well, let's try again next time.

Yeah, how to pronounce.

As a Vietnamese person who understands the language, I can assure you that there's no malicious intent behind the name B'Nga.

Now, are there others out there who use some sort of a play on words to come up with a quirky name for their business?

Yeah.

For example, Phine.

The intent is pretty clear behind that one.

But Bhya could literally be somebody's given name.

Like, it could be the name of the owner.

Who knows?

And this is exactly what I mean when I say that people would rather go by an anglicized name than go by their given name because people would make fun of it just like, you know, people in the comments.

Haha, your name sounds like.

And reading some of the comments is making me realize how there are so many people who have this Eurocentric mindset of how to read words.

You mean English, Eurocentric?

Yeah, you mean we're in America and we read things in English,

yeah, exactly.

So it's actually Biknya, Biknya, yeah,

but he knows, yeah, he knows nobody here is gonna go, oh, that's Biknya, yeah, of course, nobody says that no one's saying that, nobody's saying that, and nya means beautiful girl or good, okay, biknya, biknya, is is there a gem?

Okay.

There you go.

It's a name with a positive connotation.

But let me tell you how shit it works in Houston, my man.

Biknya is on nobody's mind in Houston, Texas.

Oh, I bless you.

Oh, it's everywhere.

Those are a bunch of different places called Biknya.

That's rad.

Hey, man, meet me at Biknya later today.

He's like, you're Eurocentric mind.

What do you mean, dude?

Yeah, there's fuck it tie.

Yeah.

PHE.

Everybody knows.

You know what we think when we see that shit, bro?

Horse brew.

That ain't no mystery.

You know that people are not going to be like, oh, that's probably Biknyak.

No, nobody.

But then there are the fun ones where they don't have an English-speaking friend to help them name their business.

So there'll be like total relax.

So relax.

So relaxed.

So relax massage.

Total relax and so relax.

You want to be so relaxed?

You come get massage here.

So relax.

Total relax.

Relax.

Total relax.

So relaxed.

But then I think I saw so relaxed, too.

says there is another so relaxed.

I'm going to go to so relax and get, you know, just wind down after work.

It is so relaxed.

So relax.

So relax.

Okay.

All right.

It's fun.

It's been a real one.

Please watch next week.

Yeah.

Bad thoughts on Netflix.

Yeah.

I'm on tour as well.

Tour.

Tomsagura.com/slash tour.

I have a bunch of dates that I've added for the fall because the spring stuff's about to wrap up and we're going to be in Dayton and Akron, Daytona Beach, West Palm, Clearwater, Fort Myers, Allentown, Poughkeepsie, Mashantucket, Newark, Brooklyn, Westbury, Hanover, Gary, Indiana,

Fort Wayne, Bloomington, Amarillo, Lubbock, El Paso, Tucson, Colorado Springs, Green Bay, Pasadena, Vegas, baby, Long Beach, Freon, Tacoma, Oakland, Huntsville, Birmingham, and Columbia will be the

best show of the year and of the tour.

Oh, can I plug a date, please?

Of course.

Now that I'm returned to stand-up, I'm only doing stuff in Austin.

I'll be at May 15th, 7:30 at Comedy Mothership.

And the little boy, if you'd like to see me work out a new hour,

that's awesome.

Yeah.

Oh, buy my lip shits.

Guys, so many of you did for Mother's Day.

Thank you so very much.

I hope you're happy with your purchase.

Get the perfect for now at Christinapeak.com.

There you go.

There

you go.

So relax.

So relax.

Oh, come on.

All right.

So, God, that's it for

this

show.

That was terrible.

Don't do that.

And shout out to the king, man.

It was great seeing you again.

We hope you continue to get bigger and post about it.

All right.

Lots of love.

We'll see you guys next week.

Start my day with the big ass fucking breakfast Feeling great diamonds on the crevice of my necklace Todd top fuss face How'd you get this profession?

Fresh as Tony John stripping to bring the bread in you can call me Unkshaw girl, I'ma make you cry Gotta take an Uber, baby, I gotta be wi Gone off these edibles and dancing like Charo chillin' with czar face, this shit is bizarro

Get in the car, we hard fucking core Don't do it in the park, say it a a bunch more.

You're getting the dog in trouble, you dick.

Wonder if you tick tock?

Well, it's true, bitch.

Keeping it clean, please watch your profanity.

Master of accents, nobody understanding me.

Got DJ Dadmouth on the ones and twos.

We the four-stroke gang, act like you knew.

Tom like is new, you gotta dump that bitch.

So Ashley and Tucker, we actually that rich.

Never been the time my car's been declined.

Better clean up behind whenever I walk by.

Ah, let's meet up, say 8-8-15.

A recovering lawyer with an an NBA and a dream Nah, I'm saying nah mean they had a job in my life Got scarce great cause I was caught stealing bike Got a 2001 Chevrolet suburban For the last time Bert is not a racist person Still smells like shit and fucks a schnauzer Drinks a leader of Kool-Aid once an hour We wanna have fun like hardcore fun Hey Darnman fans, we hope you like this one It's about Kim Man, nine inches and pruss and how Tommy Buns got the best tour bus.

It's summertime and isn't it great?

Got Louisiana hot sauce.

Yeah, we give thanks.

Nicknamed Snake ever since I was a kid.

Crazy off the marijuana and the whiskey I would sip.

Yeah, you're smart, but sorry, all sales are final.

The sissy of free Ma Street, he all smiles.

$23.95 with the rent and food.

Right now, right now, right now, because I'm in the mood.

Just a couple cool guys, you can go and play the riff.

Break your body once a year, that's the key to staying fit.

Oh, it's gonna be good, you better believe that.

Check the mommies weekly, put that on my jeans tag.

Fuck, you guys are doing good.

Is that Charlie?

They took away the fart, Mike, but they're not sorry.

On that day, early at free type lifestyle.

At your mom's house, kick back and stay a while.