Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806

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Ambition

He gotta send her flowers on a Tuesday

nowadays.

I be like, oh, hell no, bitch.

Oh, I'm a bad mother because I make crazy ass videos.

She don't don't care about nothing but her fucking nut.

So, whatever, come on, little side bitch.

I'm just gonna get you some self-respect and dignity in a life.

Don't accidentally.

I can't stand when somebody commented under one of my videos, is she high?

No, beautiful guy.

I am blessed.

Fucking funny.

Welcome to another episode.

Ching chong, ching chong.

Ching chong ching chong.

To the

to your mom's house.

That was a Ghetto Asian Girl Remix by CJQ Productions.

Classic.

It was a really good one.

All-time hit, man.

Yeah, that one's been in my head for a decade.

Yeah, hey, first of all, happy Smurf Day.

Thank you.

It's your Smurf Day.

How old are you today now?

I am 46.

You're older.

Dang,

dang.

You look

every day a bit

older.

All right.

I think you're really coming into your middle-aged dadness.

I think this is a good year for you.

It's spectacular.

Last year crushed for you.

It's going to be even better.

Thanks, Gene.

Even

great.

I was, after I did MSG, I went out to a big dinner and you went to bed.

Yeah.

And you don't go out to late dinners.

At one point, Jimmy, who I work with,

came down to my end of the table, and he was like, you know, congratulations.

This is a big day.

And I was like, yeah, thanks, man.

He goes, hey, you know,

I was looking.

I was kind of doing a little trivia.

Guess what year

the Beastie Boys first did MSG?

Oh, 98.

I was like, that was kind of my guess.

I was like, no, 90, 91.

He goes, 84.

What?

1984.

That must have been like illegal.

But then he goes,

he goes, he goes, 84.

He goes, so you're 52?

And I go, what?

And he goes, you're like 52?

And I go, I'm 45.

And he was like, oh.

So, yeah, you only would have been like four or five years old.

I was like, right.

Thank you.

Yeah.

No, I'm not seven years older than you thought.

But you've always, people have always assumed you were older than since I was 15 years old.

When is that attributed to?

Facial hair, body hair?

Kind of all of it.

I was basically this size at 15, 16.

And then, yeah, then I was shaving my face.

At 15?

That's when I started?

Well, so this is the

sideburns come in, then the peach fuzz comes in.

But by 16, 17, I would have, you know, five o'clock shadow.

Oh, my God.

And yeah, so I had facial hair.

And when I I was 16, 17, I would walk into a bar and they're like, go ahead and sit down.

You're like, all right.

Yeah.

Not always, you know, sometimes they would know.

They're like, you're not fucking 21.

Yeah.

But man, that shit was fun.

That is good.

That's when it was cool.

Now when people are like, what are you 55?

I'm like, no, not yet.

Thankfully, thankfully for women,

they don't guess your age.

Yeah, I don't like to say that.

I don't want to know.

You don't need to guess.

I'll just tell you.

There's also, there's a limit to how weird people get about that, though.

People are

Like, if you want to know someone who goes, like, I will not divulge my age, you're like, what are we doing here?

It's so weird, especially if you're a person that's in the public arena.

Like, Wikipedia knows all.

And some people have that hidden.

There are people where they go, oh, really?

Sure, you can look people up because they go,

no known birthday.

And you're like,

that's insane.

Dumb.

Insane.

You know what's crazy too?

I knew this Hungarian mom growing up who wouldn't let her daughter call her mom.

The daughter had to call her by her first name.

Why?

Because she didn't want to be

mom.

She didn't want to be age.

Mom is old.

Isn't that that's fucked up.

My

aunt who's been on this show, Blanca, she had this thing whenever it was, you know, you'd always, when you're kids and it's one of the adults' birthdays, there's always a little celebration cake.

So I'd be like, how old are you?

Because it's normal to be seven and ask, how old are you?

Yeah.

She would always go, I'm 21 in one Bernie.

And I go, what?

What?

And I always thought she was saying 21 in one Bernie or the name Bernie.

And I was like, this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.

And the thing she was actually saying was 21 in one burning.

I still don't understand.

I guess that's, I think it's an old expression, right?

Can you look that up?

21 in one.

21 in one burning?

Like, meaning another candle's burning?

That's stupid.

That's stupid.

Is that what that doesn't even make sense?

Yeah.

Burning.

Oh, ow, it refers to the concept of of burning a card in the casino in the context of blackjack.

A burning card involves discarding a card from the deck to prevent cheating.

It can also help identify the cards left in the deck.

I still don't understand.

How do you say that?

Why do you say that for your age?

Like

the statement refers to an age requirements of burning man?

That's she didn't.

You know what it is?

Can I tell you?

Can I know?

I know exactly what happened to her.

Yeah.

She heard it wrong.

Yeah.

It's the same thing my mom would do.

Like foreigners mess up these sayings.

Yeah.

So she probably wanted it to say, I'm only 21.

And then she said, 21 in the burning.

Because she thought it was really funny in her mind.

It's not an age reference.

You know what I'm saying?

The actual explanations are nothing like she would use it.

No, of course.

Foreigners, but that.

The saying 21 and 1 burning in the context of age refers to a medical rule, the rule of nines, to estimate the percentage of total body surface burned.

Yes.

For skin burns.

But they don't, you know, they think it sounds like a sound.

Yeah, she thought it sounded clever, right?

And like cute.

Yeah.

And also, by the way, was one of these people who as a child would not tell me her age.

That's so stupid.

And I'm like, no, but how old are you for real?

21 in one berning.

I go, how are you?

I want to know how old you are.

21 in one berning.

I'm like, I'm seven years old.

I don't even have context for aging.

I don't care.

And you don't.

I just want to know how old you are.

You already think she's ancient because you're seven.

Of course.

So it doesn't matter.

When you're seven and somebody goes, I'm 24, you're like, you're about to die.

Yeah.

You have no scale.

You're so old.

You have no scale for that.

Yeah.

It's so, well, happy Smurf Day.

Thank you.

We're going to celebrate you tonight.

We're just going to have dinner at the house.

I think.

Hopefully my mother, who's 21 and 1 burning, will

come over.

And I got to tell you.

Sister.

Oh, they're going to come over, of course.

I haven't bought you anything because what do you buy the guy that has everything?

You don't love her socks.

Oh, stop with this.

You don't dads like socks and ties.

Can I tell you what you've done with every gift that

I've ever given you ever?

Here, hand this lipstick to me.

Okay.

Pretend like I'm you.

I'm you, and it's your birthday.

Okay, okay.

Oh, this is your birthday.

Oh, thanks.

That's a good job acting.

That's what you do every time.

Thanks.

Put it away.

I swear to God.

And then I'll never see it again.

That's not true.

You don't care about getting gifts.

You're a gift giver.

Well, that's probably more true.

Yeah, but still.

You like to give.

You're not a gift.

I do like when you give me gifts.

I do like it.

I do.

I'll tell you what gift I would love.

I know what you want.

Well, no, this is a perfect introduction to it.

Let's watch the opening clip and get on with the show.

Happy birthday to you, Tommy.

Here we go.

Here you go.

Blow me up, Tom.

Fisting is such a gigantic part of my identity that I feel like a part of me is gone.

I feel like there's a big vacancy left where fisting, I don't know what to do with myself during most of the days.

I spent so much time playing with my ass and sitting on toys and just playing on cam and like just being a general pig with my butthole that trying to fill the days now is really kind of weird.

Fuck yeah,

I get it.

I get that.

Mom Segura.

Oh wow.

Welcome.

Here, mom.

It's your mom's house.

It's your birthday.

Tommy, you're 87 years old.

Today, today,

you look like you're 90.

But you're only 45 Here, here's what you're only 45.

46.

46, yeah.

We are so old.

Damn, done, get it.

Get a face done.

This here, adjust your lower lefts.

Get those done.

Wow.

Do we know?

Do we know why he lost his love of life?

I think he prolapsed or something.

It's like a real, it's difficult.

There's a part two.

Here you go.

Okay.

I don't have a lot of other hobbies.

And so it's kind of forcing me to take a mirror to myself and look at myself and figure out who I am without

my hole.

Because I don't really know who that is anymore because I've been kind of one with my hole for so long.

It's been giving me purpose.

And so now I have to kind of figure out what that looks like without it.

That is, by the way, such a dedication to playing with your asshole.

That he doesn't even know how to describe life without toying with his asshole.

Yeah, it's an existential crisis.

He's having a real real life crisis right now.

He's like, what the fuck?

I don't have hobbies.

I play with my asshole.

I put toys in it.

I'm on cam.

People fuck it and fist it.

And now what am I supposed to do?

Read?

Right.

And mind you, he's no spring chicken.

He's well into his 30s.

I venture almost 40.

Yeah.

And he's been doing nothing.

Although, I got to say this.

He's fucking his own asshole.

Sir,

I appreciate.

the vulnerability.

Sure.

The honesty.

Yes.

You know, not a lot of people would share this, but you're just like, what the fuck?

You know what he reminds me of?

Like a guy who's retiring from 15 years in the NBA?

Sure.

He's like, I've been playing basketball every fucking day.

What do I do now?

And now I get up and there's no practice.

You know what I mean?

There's no shoot around.

There's no stretching treatment.

Like, what am I supposed to do?

Yeah.

You got to figure out something to do.

I'm a retired.

His asshole was his life.

It was his championship.

Now, one thing I don't have context of is what you asked.

What exactly happened?

I mean, I'm making the assumption that his asshole took him out of the game.

That's correct.

Yeah.

He prolapsed real bad and he had to go to the hospital for a while.

Fuck.

He had to like shit into a colostomy bag.

Oh, you don't want that.

You don't want that.

So his asshole's just out of commission now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And now he hosts the Brolapse podcast, which is just about life after his asshole.

Yep.

That's fucking wild.

We got to get into this show.

Yeah.

Oh, this is so cool.

There's got to be other gentlemen out there that have lost.

Oh, yeah.

There's probably a lot of people that are like, oh, thank God you're doing this.

Thank God.

What is life without fisting your own asshole?

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Converting vanilla into

vanilla gaze into fist pigs, one hole at a time.

Fist pig.

I mean, what's this other one say?

This top right one.

Is that a different?

That's a different one.

Can you hit that to see what he's talking about here?

Fist pig.

That's fantastic.

Did the fisting change at all during this experience or like the way you connect with it, like either emotionally or spiritually?

Did it change after you went through the tr this traumatic experience?

I'm just I'm just conscious, more conscious.

Like before I knew there was like a risk, but like every risk you always think that that's not going to happen to me.

But I mean, I'm a small guy.

I'm short.

So I'm I think in I'm five seven five five seven.

So I was like pushing myself too much because I wanted to be at the the same level of other content creators.

That's the problem with content today.

That's what I think is like a big, it's like this company.

This is insane.

And I love this.

With content creators.

This is a, you can stop it.

This is a support group for other guys who have also destroyed their assholes.

Yeah.

Trying to push it.

He's like, now I got to think about it.

I used to just, I'm small.

I'd push, I'd push the envelope.

And then now you push too hard.

It's a very specific niche brand, but it's working for him.

But do you think porno stars, like the women out there, are like, my pussy's so battered?

Because

your pussy's meant for it.

That's the other thing.

And I'm not, this is not about the Lord striking us all dead for playing with our assholes, but it is designed for it.

Yes.

Stretching.

Yeah, it's for that.

So I saw a video one time when I was doing research of a woman who researched.

Yeah, I was doing research for a school thing.

Sure.

And

she was doing anal sex, and her entire

inside would come out, and she would just put it back in.

Nope.

Yep.

No thanks, Tom Hanks.

She would just be like, I can never put it back in.

Listen, you know how tired I am about my Schphenctor.

You don't want to start toying with that.

You can't, it's not replaceable, guys.

You only get one of them.

They don't do colon transplants.

But also, this guy fucked.

He is, the look on his face in the one that we played is like, I just lost my parents.

No, that's what it feels like.

Like an orphan who's like, I agree.

Well, he's truly lost.

Well, let's put it in his perspective.

He lost his pleasure zone and his way to make a living.

Go back to where you just had it.

So it is a financial as well as physical and spiritual.

So this is how deep this is.

On March 20th, my life took an.

This just happened, an unexpected turn.

A severe accidental internal injury led to a perforation in my sigmoid colon in emergency surgery.

The result, a temporary colossal bag, and a long road to healing.

The photo photo is of me, raw, healing human.

Honestly, I've got no shame about the bag.

If anything, I'm more embarrassed that they shaved me from the tits down.

Nobody wanted me to wake up looking at the body.

That's what you're embarrassed about?

Yeah.

The shaving?

I didn't even notice it until he was.

But people are checking in with them, and you know, this is a huge, yeah, this is a life-pivoting moment.

It's kind of ironic that it's happening.

Like, we're learning of this

the week that we, a week after we went to the Iron Bear, which is a gay bar here in Austin, because we had a huge Porosos takeover there where we were in the bar.

We were given, you know, it was bears on bears on bears.

It was the two bears with all the other bears.

And let me tell you something.

That was one of the most fun nights we've ever, it doesn't compare to the other bar takeovers we did.

It was so festive.

It was so fun.

They were so welcoming.

Of course.

We were told that

we could get fucked.

by these guys.

It was really flattering.

Guys were like, yeah, you know, if you want to, I could do things to you.

And

what kind of guys?

Were they bears?

Other bears or cubs or twinks?

Or what do you think about that?

It was all kinds.

It was all kinds.

It was all kinds.

And the best thing was that Bert insisted, he was wearing the most absurd outfit, you know?

Yeah.

Like he was wearing like he was going to like a fuck club.

Yeah.

And yeah, he was wearing that.

Right.

And he kept asking them, hey, who would you, who would you want between the two?

And before he could finish the sentence, they'd go, him, Tom, like every time.

And I was like, yeah, this is awesome.

And he kept going, what the fuck?

Why did I wear this?

Yeah, yeah, now he knows how ladies feel.

Well, he looks very fat, he's so fat there.

Oh, wow, you know what he looks like?

He's about pregnant.

Remember when I had to wear that support belt?

He looks like a guy that you would see at a club, though, right?

Yeah, the harness, yeah, the harness and the belly.

And sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

He's wearing a captain's hat, too.

He was so funny.

It was great.

It was actually really, but he took those off, the shorts, and his ass cheeks were out.

Oh, my God.

And he said, guys, were running their fingers through his crack.

See it.

Yeah.

They were touching his crack.

He is so brave, I'll tell you.

Yeah.

I love Bert.

It's fun.

By the way, I'm a little mad at you still because this morning I woke up and I was fucking so furious at you, dude, because I had this dream about you.

Speaking of like leather daddy, so here's the dream.

I dreamt that you and I.

Say it again.

What?

I what?

I.

You what?

I woke up furious with you.

Because I dreamt.

I dreamt that you did something terrible.

Did you want to hear what you fucking did?

Yeah.

I was so mad at you.

I really wanted to fucking just kill you in your sleep.

I was so fucking pissed.

I really was.

Okay, go on.

I don't know if you noticed.

I was a little extra loud this morning when I was making my coffee.

I was like, fucking wake him up.

I don't give a shit.

Any hoodles?

I dreamt that you basically got into some really weird, kinky sexual things.

Like, but absurd, like the kind of shit that we cover a guy's in like plastic

like the latex the latex guys and then you were really in the dream into felching like you would suck cum out of a butthole with a straw and I was like babe I can't do this and Charlize Theron was there with all these other I love her too which is like conflicted for me and it was conflicting because I really like her in real life you know and she was like yeah all the celebrities come to to this club and we all sign NDAs and you can come here and do whatever you want.

She'd be a pig.

And I turn to you and I go, Great, I'm divorcing you.

I'm taking all your money and I'm taking your kids.

Enjoy your fucking life, Tom.

And I was super mad.

Are you listening to me?

I'm listening.

So selfish.

Yeah.

Because you didn't come after me.

And you were like stoked that now you get to have this new fucking sexual deviant lifestyle.

With Charlie's.

You gave it all up.

You gave up your family so that you could felch.

It was so spent so much time playing with my ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was so mad at you.

Yeah.

So disgusting.

Guys do that all the time.

Who I am without my whole.

Guys just leave their families.

Yeah.

To join sex.

To do sexual stuff.

Didn't you say there was some piss in there too?

Some piss play?

Yeah.

Like people peeing on each other.

It was like sick looking people.

Like when I had my colonoscopy the other day, we were in the waiting room and there were like these two gay guys and they looked really fucking ill.

They looked ill.

Like a lot of people getting colonoscopies don't look good.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, they were like sick looking gay dudes.

Anyway, I'm fucking so pissed.

I hate you so much.

It took me like all morning to come down from that round.

I hate that one.

Come for me.

Shut up.

No woman.

Shut up.

Okay, you come.

You.

I would join if Leo was there.

I would go to that one.

Leo, oh, him.

Yeah, he's family in our capground.

Let me see all that jump.

Okay.

so yeah i would love to just i mean you know i would love to try the piss thing at a club i think that'd be fun nothing burger honestly if you are like i want you to pee on me i'd be like yeah who cares that that to me is a no i didn't say want to pee on me i want to pee on someone you could pee on me that's a big nothing burger really don't care i would drink it i kind of like when i see like a woman terrified

you know what i mean like really scared that's a that's easy to do too you could do that of course show me no

No.

My Botox.

I got too much Botox.

I can't.

No, be more like real.

I like when it's like.

No, I don't want to do that.

Like in your shows.

And then you have to say, like, let me go.

Like, if you say something like that.

Please, sir.

Yeah.

That's good.

That's good.

Yeah.

Don't make me hurt your dog.

You know where that's from, don't you?

Yeah?

You know where that's from.

Oh, like, you don't know that movie by heart.

Don't let me make me hurt your dog.

Okay, good.

Come on, mister.

Her leg's broken.

She's hurting real bad.

Don't make me hurt your dog.

Come on.

You love this guy.

Oh.

Oh.

It places the lotion in the basket.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

It sounds like a lamb.

Sorry, sorry.

Yeah.

When you bound to sign 16.

Yeah, it's good.

It's good.

Frederica Bimmel.

She's a great big fat person.

Oh, yeah.

She goes, oh, she's a great big fat person.

Oh, by the way, I mean, guys leave their families all the time for sexual things, just for sex.

It's crazy to me.

I mean, sex is cool.

Then sometimes chicks do too.

Very rarely.

Sometimes they do.

Those chicks are cool, though.

I've spent so much time just toying with my asshole like a pig.

I don't know what to do now.

I'm a fist pig, Tom.

I'm a fist pig.

I'm a hardcore fist pig.

Speaking of.

Fist pig.

Fuck.

The storyline of storylines of this year, Tony Johns, who we checked in with a little while ago,

has been continuously and continually getting kicked out of places.

And a couple nights ago, he posted that Curly's, a bar in Auburn, New York, gave him the boot.

He went right out and told this story.

So now,

Curly's out here.

Hear me out.

I got a whole bag here full of photos on, you know,

20 bones, bones you know nice cash vimos

and the bartender here at curly's i uh you know try to give her a photo as a donation you know as you know just to be nice you know a local uh nice man here yeah uh curly's auburn new york and uh she said oh no we don't do that here i said what she said oh no we don't do that here i said it's a donation It's a photo for a donation.

It's a donation.

It's for the bar.

A donation.

You know what I'm saying?

It's a photo.

Donation.

She said, oh, no.

You're 86 out curlies.

Don't ever come back here again.

I said, what?

She said, oh, no, don't ever come back here again.

You're 86.

I said, yes, ma'am.

Perfect.

I'm going to walk out.

I don't want no problems.

I'm going to walk out.

You'll never see me again in this bar.

Adios, curly.

That's pretty wild.

And then, is there a follow-up to this story?

Is that what I'm hearing?

Scroll up a little bit.

Thanks, Cutie Pie.

Okay, what's this one?

Yeah, I'm just rolling out of bed.

Literally.

I'm just waiting for the bus now.

Just rolled out of bed, fresh out of bed.

I gotta go grab me a few swigs.

I don't know.

I gotta get me

some laundry detergent.

I gotta get me a few loads done this afternoon.

Nice nice kickback day today, but I do you know just want to say I appreciate the bartender at Curly.

She did apologize last night.

She called me.

And, hey, no worries, sweetie.

I appreciate, you know, your subscription.

You know, I really do.

I really, really do appreciate your subscription 100%.

You know, you're an absolute sweetheart.

You're an absolute, you know, tall glass of water.

So thank you, sweetie.

He does like the tall brunette.

He's been.

Yeah, he likes it.

I'm glad.

It sounds like she, you know.

kind of sorted herself out after 86ing a local celebrity.

I think she understands that he's just hustling.

He's just, he's a worker and he's doing well.

And these photos are rad.

And by the way, if you follow him online, you can get yourself a photo.

This one came here to the office.

It's autographed by Tony Johns.

He's in his Speedo or his little tidy

underneath.

No, yeah, it's a Speedo.

He's at Tony Michael Johns 96.

It's a great handle.

It's a great handle.

I think Cougar got a personalized one.

Oh, cougar how lucky he signed it and everything so i have a feeling if you're nice to tony and you you request it he'll sign it can we find out what's going on with him

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Yo, yo, what's going on, Pongers?

What's up, TV?

Yep.

Oh, baby, come on.

Hey, man.

First of all,

yeah, dude, how you doing?

Joe, dog, I'm doing really good.

Hey, bro, I got a whole bunch of donations.

Yes, sir.

And I'm walking back to my place here with the little Caesars

donation there.

Yes, sir.

It's a pretzel pizza and some Italian crazy bread.

Nice.

And oh, yo, Tom, there's been a lot of craziness going on out here, brother.

Yeah, I know.

Holy shit.

So what's happened lately what's going on so

um my uh landlord uh still don't have any keys to my building and my uh

it's craziness brother and i asked my landlord and the the manager there uh scott chaplain james myers i asked them several times to give me keys They wouldn't give me no keys, man.

And enough's enough.

I needed to get in my building.

It's raining out here.

It's snowing out here.

Right.

I ended up just having enough and just blowing down the whole door.

Oh, shit.

Enough's enough.

Yes, sir.

35 Market Street.

Enough's enough.

I blew down the whole fucker, and it's still a Monday, I believe.

So how do you

did you get in trouble for that?

Yes, sir.

I was arrested and charged with a criminal mischief.

Yes, sir.

So how is

what's what's the first of all for your housing?

I assume you're in the process of being evicted, though, right?

They're evicting you?

Oh, yes, sir.

Yep.

So I go to court with these crazy guys on the 15th.

And yes, sir.

What's your angle going to be in court?

What are you going to say when the judge says, hey, you're being evicted?

Are you paying your rent?

I'm an honest man.

I'm a straight shooter.

See, like right now, Tom, I'm literally walking inside.

You can walk in when you want to, and you can leave when you want to.

There ain't no locks no more because I ain't got no keys, brother.

So you can come in when you want and you can leave.

See, watch.

See, I'm in the building now.

So what will you tell the judge, though, that you can't pay?

No, no i can pay it's just these guys have been treating me like garbage man right

like i'm a good dude i was assaulted by both of these crazy men i was

yeah that's insane yeah that's yeah no that's what i'm saying dude so that's why i'm not like paying rent dude because dude there there's there's been uh feces left on my door i don't know like dog poo or chocolate or some craziness And I just spazzed out and I had enough.

And I said, no, enough's enough, you know, and then I was assaulted.

And

what are your plans if the judge orders you to leave the building?

You have to go somewhere.

Where are you going to go?

Oh, yes, sir.

To be honest, Tom,

I'll be all right, man.

I'll,

you know what?

They always keep the lights on at the Motel 6, sir.

That's true.

What about getting out of Auburn?

What about just leaving Auburn for good?

Ah,

man, I like it out here, man.

You know, even though

it's a struggle, and I'm trying my hardest, Tom, I like it out here, man.

Now, we were just telling our audience that another way to show support, a fan, you are selling these photos, right?

You sell the photos.

Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, I really do like the photos.

So, how do people get a photo?

What's the process?

Oh, yes, sir.

So, you can either

shoot me a buzz, you know, text me, call me,

Instagram, DM, Facebook, DM.

Yes, sir.

I got them 20 of pop, sir, there, Tom.

Cash out Vimo.

And, yeah, call me, text me.

I'm here for you.

You want a photo donation?

You got it.

Yes, yes, sir.

Okay, and another way you're raising funds is we're trying to promote your OnlyFans, right?

Yes, sir.

Yep, yep.

And you're doing a bunch of solo content right now?

Oh, yes, sir, and I'm loving it, brother.

Like, seriously, man, it's, it's,

dude, like, it's, yes.

Excellent.

That's awesome.

Well, I'm so proud of your hustle, Tony.

I love that you're printing out these photos.

They're lovely, they're very high quality, and you sign them for the fans.

You are just

you're about to pop off, you really are with the Lexus and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah, that's coming up.

And before we get to that, though, because there's something I want to ask you about that, about the scene, um, what happened at Curly's?

Why'd you get 86 for that?

Oh, dude, so like, yo, it's crazy.

So,

oh, it's the craziest thing ever.

So, I had a, you know, I had a few photos left.

Uh, yeah, And I,

you know, there was a, there was a cutie, you know, tall, tall Brunette, a bartender.

And what I ended up doing

there, Tom and Christina, I ended up pinning my photo on the back there on the back wall.

And it was me with the bandana and a hat.

And, you know, because I have to keep my head warm, you know, it's winter time.

Sure.

But I just pinned a photo on the back there because there was a back there where it said like looking for like people pinning up their stuff like for work and you know like you know if they need laborers or whatnot you know there's there's just a you know board you can pin stuff up and uh i end up pinning pinning it up on the board going to the bathroom and coming back to watch the florida game it was an amazing game florida yes um and yeah i um

she uh she took it like really really offensive she was like no we don't promote

We don't promote OnlyFans.

And I'm sitting back here like, whoa, what are you talking about?

And I was trying to be honest, like, hey, that's that's that's a donation for your bar.

My name's Tony Michael Johns.

I don't know if you know me, you know, but I'm a good dude.

I'm just, I'm, I'm trying to get my name out here.

I'm trying to, you know, do comedy skits.

I'm trying to do, you know, I'm just trying to make an honest dollar, lady.

Like, I'm giving this photo, and I signed my name on it for a donation.

And she said, oh, no.

She said, oh, no, you're 86.

And I said, whoa, what, what's going on?

She's like, get out.

And I said, yes, ma'am.

I ended up just walking.

I said, hey.

And then, you know, a few hours later,

I was at

another local pub there.

A.T.

Wally's, you know, just kicking back, relaxing, because I was in shock.

I was like, yo, I just gave this lady a free $20, you know, donation photo there.

And

she 86ed me out the bar.

I'm like, yo, I was just watching, you know, it's craziness.

That's terrible.

That's crazy.

Now.

Did she reach out later?

Yes, sir.

Yep, yep.

So a few hours later, I was at A.T.

Wally's and she ended up calling me.

And,

you know, she probably did a research on me then, like, looked me up and whatnot.

She really did.

She was like, hey, I'm very, very sorry, Tony Michael Jones.

You know, you called me the ladies, man.

And she said, oh, yeah.

She was like, yo, I, you, you know, you're not 86th anymore.

I really appreciate you, you know,

just because I try to do my best, you know, just, you know, with, you know, I just, I don't know, like, I didn't want to, I wasn't trying to offend anybody.

and it's like, you know, like,

super nice lady, you know, she said, hey, you can come back anytime, you know, grab a soda, you know, is what I usually get when I go to these bars.

I party sober now, Tom.

Sure.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Wait, are you doing

cameos now?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, Christina.

Yes.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

And I'm loving those too.

That's great.

How much is cameo?

So I got them 18 a pop, but I um, I like giving, you know, discounts.

They're like 10 bucks right now, 10 bucks.

That's great.

So, if somebody wants to wish somebody else happy birthday or good luck,

you can have Tony Johns do it on cameo.

That's amazing.

That is pretty cool.

Oh, yes.

How you been, though, Christina?

I'm good.

Thanks for asking, sweetie.

We're just, you know, again, I'm so proud of you and your hustle here printing these photos of yourself.

And I think your future is very bright.

You just stay out of trouble, though, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, I can't get arrested anymore.

No, don't get arrested.

Don't get arrested.

Also,

everybody is thinking literally every day about your upcoming scene with Alexis Fox and wondering, how do you feel about

this kind of,

you know, law enforcement scenario, right?

Where you're being arrested, she's the arresting officer, she's taking you back to get fingerprinted and strip searched and everything.

And then

her boss, her sergeant, Officer Cum Dump, walks in and he orders her to do a more thorough search.

Yes, sir.

I am 100% game.

Strip me down, take my boots, and do it.

Yes, yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

All right, cool.

Strip me, strip me.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're cool if

this actor, RPC,

joins the scene, right?

Like, he's.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I would love that.

Oh, awesome.

Okay.

He's a little bit more.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yeah.

Take my boots, strip me, strip me down.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Well, we're going to actually

check in with him and see if we can tie all this together, okay?

Oh, yes, please.

Yo.

All right.

This is amazing.

Hey, stay out of trouble, Tony.

Yes, please.

Yes, sir.

Thank you

for the buzz, Tom.

Thanks for coming.

Absolutely.

Of course.

We'll talk to you soon.

Bye.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye, guys.

I think a cameo with Tony Jones would be amazing.

That's a great way.

That's a great way for him to make some scratch.

A lot easier than OnlyFans, too, even.

Yeah, because you don't have to come.

You can take your peanut out.

You can make those anywhere in public.

Yeah, that's so cool.

So, guys, get your cameos.

Order the photos, I think.

Let's do a quick pee break.

Oh, you got a whiz?

Okay, you gotta whiz.

Okay, okay.

Anyway, I wanted to plug.

Mother's Day is just around the corner.

What better gift to get her than Christina Christina P

lipstick?

Go to ChristinaP.com.

I suggest just getting all four in one pop.

Order it now so that you make sure to get it by Mother's Day.

Celebrate your mom.

Celebrate your mom.

Celebrate your mommy something.

Get your mom something.

I am wearing the perfect red right now, and it really is a love power factor.

It's great.

I love that.

Got a cool clip to show you.

Oh, good.

Let's party.

I'm straight.

I'm dating Lady Boy, and I don't think I'm gay.

I'm attracted to Ginny.

She looks like a woman.

She's very beautiful.

She's very feminine.

How does it make me gay?

How about that's a good question.

I feel like in 2025 there are two types of women.

There is woman with a and woman with a same skin.

And it's the same tissue.

It's just different form of the same thing.

Woman different level.

She's different

to me and that's how I see her.

It's part of you and I love you and I love every part of you.

And you know what?

You don't need to answer anyone.

People just curious because they're jealous.

Did you hear any?

Yeah.

And her Eddie through the wall.

now What are you feeling when you watch that?

That's fucking sheo.

She ain't even trying to do the trans voice.

She's just letting it rip.

But be honest, if this was no, no, no.

If this was videos showing a different context and you're just seeing her, you don't know right away.

Like she does present.

Let me see again.

She's here.

Hold on.

Let me see the full body.

I mean, titty's small.

It's kind of a

red flag.

But you're seeing her right there.

That doesn't scream.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll give it to her.

Yeah.

You just, you don't know.

But as soon as she talked, talking about, oh,

damn,

what the fuck?

This is a, that's what I so appreciated when Jim Norton was here.

Yeah.

And he was just like, well, I'm definitely like, you can't call me straight.

Right.

You know?

He admits that it's, I think the problem with

this is that they're trying to convince you that A, if you're not into trans men, women, whatever, you're homophobic.

Yeah.

If you're not transphobic.

Transphobic, sorry, yes.

Transphobic.

And that you should,

this should be presented a certain way.

It's like, no, maybe not, but

you can fuck whatever you want.

Sure.

I don't have to be convinced that you're straight or no.

I don't care.

The thing that somebody always says in this situation is like, you don't have to answer to anybody, okay?

Whatever you like is what you,

okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you can just say you like this.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah.

No one cares.

But he does say the thing that I hear, I think Jim reiterated it: he's not attracted to a male presenting man, he doesn't, you know what I mean?

He doesn't find a man attractive, correct?

He likes this situation, though, sure, with a dong, with a dick, yeah.

There's just a dick, it's just it's not a deal-breaker, exactly.

That's that's the thing: is like if I described a woman to you, Annie,

and I was like,

you know, whatever, she's slim, she's got beautiful hair, tits.

Is the dick a deal-breaker?

what yes is a deal breaker i don't understand the question hold on what if i'm me tom i'm me yeah we have 20 years together and just one day i wake up and i've got a dick yeah

i'll tell you the truth what i'll tell you the truth okay you get your own room you get another you get a room and you get to live there

And I want the kids to have you around.

You want the kids to have me around?

Yeah, I don't want you to leave because we have kids.

We have have children.

Yeah.

What if you just do butt sex?

But do we stop having sex entirely?

I think with your dick we do.

Yeah.

That's the end of it.

I guess we start fisting.

I'll start fisting.

Yeah.

You can be a fist pig.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

Just make you prolapse.

Yeah.

Perforate your colon.

Well, if you woke up with a badge, that would be a problem.

Yeah.

For me, too.

Some people it's not a problem for.

You know, this

would be hairy and

hairy and gross.

Your badge would be so unruly.

Unkey.

Because we love these videos when somebody goes, like, hey, cutie.

Oh, I love these.

Yeah.

And then this one, you could tell it was just like he started.

Hey, cutie.

He was just trying it on someone, but you could tell this took a turn that the guy doing the kind of prank didn't expect.

You're going to keep playing iTag, or you're going to holler at your boy.

Huh?

You're going to keep playing iTag, or you're going to holler at your boy, sexy.

You consider me sexy.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, I am.

You want to take a bite of me?

Take a big boy for a ride?

I don't think my ass could handle you.

Probably well, huh?

Mm-hmm.

You could handle me right up, huh?

Yeah, I probably could, dude.

Hold on.

Mm-hmm.

You wanna try?

You do?

You're a policeman, right?

I'm not a police.

I'm just a sexy man looking for a freak off.

Oh.

How many inches you got down there?

Ten.

No shit.

Ten.

Yep.

All right.

You have a good one.

Sexy.

Hang on.

Oh, oh,

I don't have any money if you're expecting to get money.

Oh, no.

Are you expecting to get this button?

He really took him up on it.

It's the first time.

I've never seen it turn like that.

Never.

Usually the guys are like, what?

Yeah.

They laugh or something.

This guy just went right to.

What do you got down there?

Dang.

He doesn't look gay at all.

It's not like.

Right?

Would you have guessed that he was down for dudes?

No, that's why he approached him.

Not at all.

He's approaching people that he thinks are going to be like, what's your name?

Like dads.

No one's told these dads that they're attractive.

Right.

So it's another guy telling dad,

you're such a cutie.

And they're like, what the fuck?

And it's like the daddest of the dads that he usually approaches.

Which that guy had total dad vibes.

Yeah.

But he's like, I'm going to straight up fucking he turned his cart he's like whoa i don't have any money but if you're yeah

he followed him and then he starts following him and then this guy's gotta be like i'm just with you which is terrible yeah because he's like i'm all fired up bro what's up which is terrible how many well it's terrible it's a catastrophe it is he got that guy all that guy has such a dopamine drip going right now for somebody telling him like hey this could you know what i mean it's like he's so excited and then we don't see the rest of this of how the guy who's recording goes like, hey, man, I'm just fucking around.

I'm just making a funny, I just did it for shits and goodbyes.

Dude, I know.

Yeah.

Broke his heart, man.

Broke his heart.

Broke that old man.

I know he's got his Christmas cards in there and everything.

His old gay heart just broken.

It's not cool.

Hey, Tom.

Yeah.

Speaking of deal breakers, you know, we play this game.

Like, I'm me, I'm everything me.

But, but what if I had this one thing about me?

Yeah.

What would you do?

Right.

Okay.

What if I'm me?

You're you.

we have our life, 20 years of history,

but I've decided I'm a nudist.

So that means like on the weekends when we're all hanging out, I'm nude.

If your mother comes over, your sister, you're just like, she's nude.

What am I going to do?

Here's the truth.

I think I'd get used to it, but I'd be really fucking annoyed by it.

And I would tell you, I'd be like, you can't do it.

It's fucking.

It's like Burt putting something on Instagram.

I'd be like, could you fucking just not for today?

Just stop sharing everything.

Yeah.

Just, can you just live your life?

Can you wear clothes today, please?

But what if I was...

Okay, so what if I'm a nudist and then I also decided to free bleed?

And it's my period of time.

That's what I do.

Now we're having a bad time.

But I'm a nudist.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

It'd be a lot more time alone.

A lot more time alone.

Yeah.

I'd be like, I know what's happening this week.

Call me next week.

I don't want to be around for your free bleed, and I don't want you to be nude when my family comes over.

But they'd get used to it.

Your mom and your sister?

They'd be totally used to it.

I'm a woman.

They don't care.

I think they would.

I wish you would become a nudist.

How funny would that be?

We have like people over for dinner.

Hello, guys.

And you're like, that's my house, my son.

Like, could you put a towel down before you sit on the furniture, please?

It's my house.

I like to sit like this.

You see, like, my dick just tuck into my ball bag.

There's no sexual arousal.

It's just like all flaccid, soft.

That is the weird thing about nudists is that they just live their life without clothing so they're not in a state of arousal they're not in a state of doing anything has nothing to do with like sex

live free and this is the way we were put on this earth that's so gross i was noticing

how whenever i'm with bert there's always someone who's like hey can i take my shirt off and burt's always like

and so whenever someone takes their shirt off you see like abrasions and like scars and stuff and I'm always like put your fucking shirt back on man of course you don't realize how much the shirt saves that for you know i mean i was like

are you kidding my body too like no think of all the scarring and the you know injuries people you get over the years i'm just talking about

bad skin and like ingrown hairs and stuff i'm like dude fucking put your shirt back on this is disgusting um what if i well hold on i'm not done playing the game wins yet okay so nudist yay or nay i want you to really take it no i don't like it but you'd stay with me i guess i would stay with you but I would have a new problem with you.

Yeah.

A new problem.

Yeah.

It's annoying.

It's super annoying.

It's super annoying, but it's not a deal breaker is what you're saying.

Social life would be really affected.

Keep going.

Very affected.

What's your next one?

Okay.

What if I become a super environmentalist, where it's to the point where, like,

hey, we have dinner plans tonight.

We're going to drive over to our friend's house.

They live 10 minutes away.

And I say shit like, babe, you know how I feel about wasting fossil fuels in the car.

Honestly, this bothers me more than the nudist.

Environmental.

If you drive, I'm going to bicycle there.

It's going to take about an hour.

I'll meet you there and then I'll bicycle home.

If we have to record the podcast, it's going to take me like two hours to bike here.

No.

And I go home and there's no toilet paper and you're like, well, it's just such a waste.

We use the family towel.

Why don't you use a family rag?

Yeah, no, those are grounds for.

Those are grounds for dismissal?

I think separation, at least.

Wow.

And, like, I don't hound you about your choices, but I'm constantly going through the trash, separating out the plastics and the compost.

This is not appealing.

This is not appealing.

Isn't that the worst?

I mean, someone who's like that

I can barely spend five minutes with, so I can't imagine living with them.

So you can do that shit somewhere else.

We do that thing where we're just neighbors.

We're like, you're just going to move next door and do all your bullshit.

We buy the house next door.

I think Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton did that at one point.

They just had houses next door to each other because they would coach.

They're both pretty crazy.

They're both absolutely, probably insane.

Well, you could do that, okay?

Okay.

Thanks.

Here, I'm really excited.

One more.

I want to move on.

I'm really excited.

This is one of the segments we played last week, but he wasn't even here for it.

This is the segment I like to call Ennie's Inner Thoughts.

Oh.

So here we go with one of Ennie's Inner Thoughts.

It is so crazy

when you ever smash smashed a girl, right?

Got talked off with something,

got throated, and then

she already made it clear that she got a man or something.

They kind of like on some breakup shit or whatever.

And then you go ahead and hit it and fuck with it, right?

And then, like, you will see her in the streets or in the store somewhere with an old boy, with a man.

Why do that shit make you want to smash her?

Be like, next time I get, I'm going to just really

flexing those tails.

Hell yeah.

See you flexing.

I was going to get mad, honestly, but the more I hear it, actually, this is kind of exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm kind of mad that you're as accurate as you are.

That's awesome, dude.

I've been watching this guy for a couple months now.

He's so cool.

It makes you want to smash him worse

more,

harder, longer.

Keep him longer.

Ride her hard.

Put her up wet.

Hell yeah.

Like, I don't know, like, you appreciate it more when you see, you see somebody that you know they got a mate and shit, especially when you see them with the mate and you know you didn't smash, then you want to smash again you'll be like damn when she gonna come back through

what do you think any

yeah i really it upsets me now i don't like seeing it from this perspective yeah i'm usually the dude saying stupid like this and now that i see it it's very uncomfortable but um yeah no that's that's true like uh

uh the last time i was at i was dancing with some girl and then her dude like pulled her closer to him or whatever was like yo like she's mine you know type shit yeah it's like i'm a hundred percent fucking your bitch now tonight tonight i mean i tell you this and he's in there.

100%.

Like, you did not fucking say, oh, this is my like, I wasn't gonna fuck with her anyway.

Like, we were just dancing, relax.

But you're gonna make it a fucking thing.

And what did you do?

Did you end up going home with her?

Hell yeah, I fucking did.

Hell yeah.

Hold on.

That was a long time ago though.

You're not afraid that that guy's gonna find you and you're gonna fight somebody.

And do what?

Fight you, fight you?

Be like, kill you, come with a gun to your fucking house.

Do it.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

This is a, what's his handle?

Shit.

Shit what

shit liker for real on God on underscore God he likes to say on God oh shit.

Oh shit shit talker for real Oh shit talker for real on God

Okay, yeah, he definitely yeah

definitely is tell me this why is it a girl is your dream girl until you smell her take a shit?

Oh my god

you'd be like oh she ain't that fine

it takes away a lot

A lot.

Tell me I'm lying.

Tell me I'm capping.

You smelled your girl take a big shit before?

Have you smelled me take a shit?

Not really.

Have you smelled it?

Not really.

Here he is.

How is he smelling the big shit?

Shit talker for real underscore on God.

Yeah, that's a great handle.

Yeah, he puts out content a lot.

Good for him.

He's very good, though.

I like his thoughts.

Yeah, here's another one of any thoughts right here.

No matter how much we do for a woman, no matter how much we give them hoes, them 304s, them thoughts,

it'll never be enough.

They can't even give themselves enough.

They're never content.

They never satisfied.

They're never thankful.

They're never grateful.

They never appreciate shit.

If they do, that shit wear off.

Is that true, Annie?

Nah, that one's kept.

Okay, oh shit.

Professor.

Tell me why.

I mean, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that this nigga's very unhealthy and toxic to be around.

You know,

not a good vibe, that's what I say.

And then he considers like answering a fucking phone call, being like, I do so much for you, bitch.

Like, I was so busy, I answered that phone.

Yeah, you went, you don't like me no more?

Like, damn, bro.

Bearing in that type shit.

Okay, so there's, I mean, there's a little bit of balance here in any.

I see what you're saying because this guy reminds me, this guy shares my father's philosophies in many ways.

Oh, yeah.

Like, I think this is my father.

Yeah.

I think it is.

And you and I have the same dad.

We might be related anyway.

But this is exactly my father.

What you're saying about like, oh, come on, man, I called you, didn't I?

Like, didn't I fucking show up last weekend?

Didn't we talk this week?

Like, same.

I think he's on to something.

What do you want?

Like, in my dad's mind, just showing up is a big deal.

Or like calling a bitch back is a big deal.

Like, you're lucky I even graced you with my presence.

That's a classic move.

You make them think that bare minimum is you putting effort out.

Yeah, that's when they are not appreciative because you're doing nothing.

You're just like, Yeah, I called you yesterday.

Why the fuck aren't you on my dick?

What do you mean?

Yeah, what?

But then, on the other hand,

I always lie to them right off rail.

Shit, I'm broke.

So, as soon as before they start the shit, I'm broke.

I'm unemployed.

Now, let's start right there.

We can build on that shit.

Yeah, this is definitely my father.

Yeah, same.

A thousand, yeah.

He's got some other good ones.

Yeah, this is my dad.

He's got some good ones.

Why y'all being sweet to a bitch and all kind and nice and trying to figure out and shit?

Y'all trying to tell her what you think she wants to hear.

I tell that bitch what she don't want to hear.

Ho, you are fucking replaceable.

Replaceable than a motherfucker because I'm fucking him, bitch.

Fuck going on with you.

You're replaceable.

Yep.

You're not special.

You're not unique.

You can't count on me.

I'm not reliable.

You can't depend on me.

And I can't count on you.

And you're not reliable.

And I can't depend on you.

I'm broke,

but why don't they appreciate me?

Yeah,

and then I don't know if your dad does this, but does he get really flattered when they start to get crazy and obsessive?

Because, like, he'll fuck with these women enough that they'll start going crazy.

Oh,

and then, but he's kind of like, she's so into me.

Oh, my God.

Like, he kind of likes it.

He loves it.

Yeah.

Like, my, my dad definitely does, but he would never show it.

Like, you just, I just know because I know him, but he he would never be like, oh, yeah, I like when you do that shit.

No, he didn't say that.

My dad will be like, oh, my God.

Can you believe how much she's so into me?

Oh, God.

Like, please get off my dick.

Yeah.

It's so annoying.

She showed up in the night and she had the knife in her hands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or like, or like

if a woman would threaten suicide over him, he's very secretly flattered by it.

Can you believe it?

She's going to kill herself for that.

That is so sad.

It's not sad.

I hope she doesn't care.

Doesn't care.

I guess I have this effect on the women.

That's exactly the thinking.

That's exactly the thinking.

Because, right, the broken bitches that this guy is going to attract are totally on that.

Oh, they're definitely going to play the game.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The nice thing is, this guy has an endless well of these, and we will be playing them every week.

Now, I know you've been missing it.

Yeah.

How about some TikToks?

Oh, man.

Finally, dude.

Finally, dude.

I love it.

Finally.

Here we go.

The best drink would probably be Sprike with a snack.

And then all of a sudden, you just let a big monster burp rip.

My name is Kimberly Winter.

And I hold the world record for the women's loudest burp.

I've always been told that I was the loudest burper anyone's ever heard.

One time I got kicked out of a bar just for one burp.

A lot of people are disgusted at the dinner table.

My mom hated when I burped.

But I started recording my burps on TikTok and it really took off.

The music is unbelievable.

This is the best.

This is my favorite.

This is like an Olympian.

I just like I worked harder and I got up at four in the morning and I trained.

A lot of my fans like me to burp their name.

My audience grew really fast so just be yourself because you never know how many people out there are gonna enjoy you for just being you

So triumphant Annie, you didn't like that either.

I could tell

like who the fuck nobody does man

I love this Kimberly we've been DMing yeah listen here's the deal man she reminds me a lot of who my cousin Jeanette oh for sure this is a type type of girl.

Jeanette burps like this.

Of course.

And so was Kiffany in my high school.

There was a girl named Kiffany who could flip.

Yeah, I know it was weird.

Tiffany the K.

You give her a Dr.

Pepper and she could burp the alphabet.

There's just a special girl.

in one every thousand million that that is this and can't really we've been dming i love her so much this is such a talent she went on america's got talent yeah

and was like i'm gonna sing a lady gaga song and then she starts singing She's like, oh my god, excuse me.

And then she started ripping and ripping and ripping.

It's really funny.

She's very funny.

I love you, Can't really.

I asked her to do some videos, but then we lost touch because I went to England.

TikTok is getting banned in the U.S., so I made Christina P.

And there's one last final thank you TikTok video for all the curations you've done over the past few years.

Thank you.

We love you.

I love you.

Keep them high and tight.

Enjoy.

Perfect red.

Hey, can you?

Heather needs to trim this up for my socials.

We got this Mother's Day stuff coming up.

I don't know if this is going to have the same effect.

She looks great in Atomic Red.

Yeah, she looks great.

I don't know if this is going to promote sales the way you think it will.

I love it.

I don't care.

She's so talented.

Oh, she looks great in her.

Kimberly.

Kimberly.

that was pretty great.

Kimberly, hero.

Oh, you know.

She's very pretty, too.

She's stunning.

She's talented.

What can't she do?

I mean, not.

She's out there

being herself.

I love it.

Oh, Kimberly.

Way to go, Kimberly.

We're doing you too.

All these women out there are like, I'm myself.

I'm just out here slaying and being myself.

But Kimberly's really doing it.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Manuel.

Yeah.

bet I saw.

Yeah.

And they're not.

They're just pretending to be like the hot girl.

Kimberly 100% is herself.

I love it.

It's my kind of gal.

Remember.

Remember.

Oh, my God.

We played that.

The pelt that you can make your Bolden Retriever into a pelt.

This person stuffed their chihuahua.

It's been on their fireplace mantle since 2010.

Oh, Jesus.

It's all creepy.

He's freaking me out.

I don't like it.

Why not?

Because it's their dead dog.

I don't like it.

I've collected my fingernails for six years, and here's why.

Back in 2019, I decided to start biting my fingernails and then keeping them in a Ziploc bag that I put inside my desk drawer, just in case.

Then when I removed in 2020, I started keeping them in this little jar.

Now, there's a lot of misinformation about fingernails.

It's actually better to keep them in a jar instead of a bag.

Every couple weeks, I'd let my nails grow out, bite them off,

my teeth, and then put them in the jar.

Ever since I started doing this, I've never once had a nail biting session where they didn't go into the jar.

Every single nail is accounted for.

Even when I've had to travel, I'd pack a small-sized nail bottle and keep them in there.

Once I return home, I'd add them to the jar.

Everyone in my life asked me what I'm doing.

The answer is simple.

As you can see, every single nail is very white and clean, like bone.

Bones.

Like bones.

Got it.

Got it.

There's absolutely never any dirt dirt on that.

My eyes are watering.

Yeah, it's because he bites the

owner's heart.

Here's the interesting thing, though.

Isn't it interesting how

the nail in and of itself on his finger as it's attached to him, you just go, whatever.

The idea of removing it and collecting it started to make me feel nauseous.

I don't like that clip, like that image of it dangling, but he's nibbled it and it's dangling.

It's going to go in the jar.

It's

the jar makes me want to throw the fuck up

fingernails ever.

I'm not going to ugly name.

He didn't say why, though.

What's the why?

I don't know.

Garbage tickler or anything.

I'm pretty hygienic.

And as you can see, the jar is getting pretty full.

So

I've got to keep needing to upgrade size.

So it's just a never-ending collection.

Wait, is that a deal breaker if I start keeping it?

Fuck yes.

That's disgusting.

I don't want that.

No.

You know, in Indian culture, it's bad.

I can't even look at this.

You should not keep your nail clippings.

My Indian stepdad used to burn his in the fireplace.

It's just believed it's bad luck to leave parts of your body laying around.

It's like bad spirits will take it or something.

I'm really.

You don't want to do that.

You don't want to do that.

So good.

I'm not even known.

That guy looks like Bert.

Yeah.

This is seriously Bert's next video, Lane.

This is what he shares.

He's always sharing everything.

You know what he did at dinner?

We're at a steakhouse,

and he's like, I'm keto, but I just got off keto.

I'm like, you're keto?

And they put a big thing of bread out of the oven, warm bread and butter.

He's like,

I guess I'm going to fuck off keto tonight.

I'm like, uh-huh.

And he cuts a big piece of butter, puts the butter in his mouth,

and then takes the bread.

I'm going to throw up.

That's the stupidest way anybody's ever eaten.

I feel sick.

And before you move my breathing, I have an incurable lung disease.

That's also a bird thing.

Holy shit.

It's just you eating toast?

That's the video?

Well, I am there.

I think there's Marmite on there or Vegemite.

What?

I don't love my toast.

Oh, no, it's just butter.

Okay.

But who doesn't like bread with butter?

No, it's like.

Talking about toast and butter is like the best thing in the world.

I think you could just make a video saying, I love toast with bread and with butter.

I don't think you need to do this and listen to your incurable fucking lung disease.

God.

Oh, nonsense.

Yeah, this guy is fucking ripped.

He's fucking badass.

Yeah, he is.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

That's just freaking taste.

You don't show everybody everything.

This is something Ellis could do.

For sure.

This guy is perfect.

Hey, I need this video.

Can you send me this video?

Thank you.

For what, my kids?

No, I'm just going to share it with some people.

With people?

Just people, man.

Friends.

By the way, our sons found nunchucks at the toy store.

And I was like, this is...

That's the beginning of the day.

I go, listen, if this hits my head or one of your heads or the cat's head, anybody's fucking head, I'm taking them away.

So far, so good.

Yeah, because they're like the styrofoam ones.

Still, you can still fuck each other because they're swinging them over their heads, and it's going to go down.

They're going to fuck up our house with this fucking shit.

I love, by the way, that every day now.

Stupid nine children.

When I get home, our nine-year-old boy takes his shirt off, and he's like, He goes, Look at me, dude.

He goes, Look at my traps.

He goes, Look at my biceps.

So jabbed.

And I go, Yeah, you look good.

He goes, I'm going to be so fucking jacked in high school.

Yeah, dude, for sure, man.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He got the crazies.

I don't even know why I panic so hard.

It's okay.

It's just hair.

I mean, no, it's not.

Are you ready?

It's not.

It is just hair.

Can I cry about it first?

Totally.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Are you feeling good about it?

I'm crossing the process.

Okay.

You ready?

I know if I leave with the same haircut up hat, I'm going to be disappointed in myself.

And it's like time to do something new.

Yeah.

Okay.

Everything's fine and we're all fine.

We're all doing great.

We're all doing great and everything's fine.

I won't take offense.

She should cry now.

That's bad.

She definitely shouldn't have touched the hair.

They shouldn't have touched the hair.

That's a bad choice.

Look how disappointed they are.

She was deeply traumatized by a

haircut appointment.

Was that...

What do you think is the story?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, maybe there's like some social anxiety or something going on.

I don't know, but definitely they made a bad choice with this haircut.

Well, the haircut's terrible.

Whoever did the haircut should get a bad review.

But I was more interested in the fact that she was just

traumatized by a haircut appointment.

But maybe she's just deeply troubled, mentally ill.

Maybe.

I mean, maybe that's what we're dealing with.

No, that's not it.

Most people don't sit down in a hair, in a chair for a haircut and go, hold on a fucking sec.

Like, it's just, she's got some shit going on.

Oh, she's fine.

I almost think you should actually shame the person making the videos for, like, hey, man, maybe you don't put this one out.

This lady's got some real fucking issues.

It's getting a haircut.

Such a wild ride on your talks today.

Newie.

What is this?

Autumn.

Just wait.

That's Jasper.

I got it.

Jasper the cat.

That's Chloe the dog.

Okay.

That's Tikani.

Tikani.

Ed.

Ed.

That's Philippe.

Oh, it's a little peaking.

I'll need to puck.

Frank Beans.

Peace compared.

What am I waiting for?

Murphy.

You said just wait.

Oh.

Okay, they just told me that they get gender-affirming haircuts, so they get a little emotional.

So you see, context is important.

But here's the problem.

I'm still not sure what gender they were at the end of that haircut.

That's why I keep saying they.

I don't know what we were affirming.

Honestly, do you know what they were trying to go for?

You're not gonna trap me in this game.

What?

They look like masculine

women.

What the fuck is the video?

Just keep going with it.

It's over.

That video's over.

It's just nice animals.

Oh, get the fuck out of here.

You don't like animals?

No, I was waiting for something to happen.

You're like, this fucking Ed and Freddy and Chiquita.

Oh, this one.

This guy is my new favorite.

I knew you liked that.

Well, I showed this one to my mom.

You did?

How special synergy type of thing?

She was like, why is he wearing a mask?

And I was like, that's not a mask.

She's like, what?

But what is he saying, most importantly?

He was whispering it.

I don't know.

He said something about the

underwear, but I didn't hear what he was saying.

You want to hear it again?

He does all these.

He just whispers to the panties on his head.

I don't want to see it again.

I'm okay.

Something with amigos.

I gotta say,

friends.

My woman left me?

Or she left this?

Sad.

I don't like his whispering.

Now I'm smelling her underwear.

So the other wife, the woman, left him, and now all he has is the panties.

But that's kind of cool.

It's romantic, Tom.

Would you do you do this when I leave?

On bro, on God, on twin.

Yes.

Would you do this?

Yeah.

Why don't you ever get into my dirty panties?

How do you know I don't do that?

I don't know.

I wish you would.

Right?

Strike.

Hell yeah, dude.

Oh, shit.

Boom.

I'm looking.

That's the tappy tappy.

You didn't know the tappy tappy?

It looks like a high-level martial arts guy.

Of course it is.

Yeah.

Of course it is.

That's cool.

Really, really

interesting look.

He's shaped like a pear.

Oh, I know.

Yeah.

He looks like a bottle of Tabasco.

Yeah, yeah.

That's cool.

About 320 pounds.

Just kind of like the tappy tappy.

Well,

you can't do shit, sir.

Just to be clear,

you are incapable of defending anybody from anything.

Do you want to see the animals again?

Nope.

I want to wrap this shit up and thank you guys for watching.

Listen, it's my birthday.

I'm going to go celebrate now.

I'm going to go to a latex sex club and piss on people.

Fuck off.

Thank you so much.

Charlie Steron's meeting me there.

I hate you, fist pig.

I got to go.

Don't forget, if your butthole doesn't work, you got to find something else to do in your life.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, Tom.

Thank you.

Thank you, Tom.

See you guys later.

Bye-bye.

Can you please tell the audience so I can have a record that you're impressed with my water consumption?

You're the water champ.

You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you.

Pound in the water.

Pound in the water.

You've been the water champ for as long as I've known you.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Water champ.

Pound in the water.

Pound in the water.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Water champ.

Pound in the water.

Pound in the water.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's current water champion.

Tom, gets it.

Running away.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Water champ.

Pound in the water.

Pound in the water.

Who are the water champions?

Pound in the water.

Pound in the water.

Water damage.

Just sipping.

You're drinking that much water as he drinks water.

Water and peace at the same time.

Just sipping.

Sometimes he's peeing while he's drinking.

Oddly enough, my wife also competed.

She came last late.

You ever seen a Yorkie drink water?

Just my overwhelming urge to consume more water.

Like, you don't understand.

Current water champion.

You don't understand.

Water champ, water champ.

You don't understand.

Current water champion.

You don't understand.

Water champ, water champ.

I just kept drinking and no one said a word.

Pound in the water, pounding the water.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, water, champ.

Pound in the water, pound the water.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ.

Pound in the water, pound the water.

Is this technically water two?

Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ.

People would discuss, like, who's the water champ?

Let's go, go, water champ.

Kill two of those, and they have four 16-ounce waters.

Why are the water champs?

I've never seen someone drink so much water during such a short time.

Let's go, water champ.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, water, champ, pound the water, pound the water.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, water, champ, pound the water, pound the water.

Let's go, water, champ, let's go, water, champ.

Just a matter.