Andrew Schulz Is Gay Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 801

What's a first date like ideally for you?

You're taking a phone.

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Do you guys need to know the secret?

This is the best YMH Live we've ever done.

You will see when you watch this show that we spend all the money.

One of the top only fans content creators, Alexis Fox.

Trust me, they see every part of me.

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That's okay.

Hi, Amanda.

This is Tom Segura.

You're on YMH Live, and congratulations, you just won $10,000.

He has been posting that he is reaching out to porn stars and wanting to shoot a scene with them.

She just texted me and she said, I'm watching.

I'll do the scene.

Hello.

Alexis.

Alexis.

Let's do this shit.

Fuck right off.

Damn it.

Yeah.

Fuck, dude.

Oh, she's doing hers.

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Was not expecting people wearing their insides on the outside.

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He came twice, though.

He did.

Honestly, I'm into it.

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Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

What's everybody?

I'm just looking to laugh today.

If you want to take your bra off and send me a picture, have fun with it.

But only if you're above age.

Of course.

I want you to be a high school graduate.

And then you're in the category of which I will laugh and nothing else.

Everybody knows that boobs make guys LOL.

That's what we're always using.

That's what you love.

Look at these perfect tensions.

Do you think that the king had an overwhelming response to his plea?

Like, is that why he's making these videos?

Is there just like two girls, the lot lizards, that?

No, he did not have an overwhelming response.

But I do think

he got more than you

think.

Yeah.

Here's the thing.

Everyone's looking for...

something

and some attention in some way.

Yeah.

And so to some lady out there, the fact that this guy had followers and people commenting,

they were probably like, oh, this guy, you got to get a little clout

interacting with him.

He probably had a few hotties, I think.

Not like

10s.

Not like our standards.

No, no.

Like hot for him.

One of those things.

Yeah, hot for him.

Yeah.

That's wild.

Just, you know, we're talking about the king, the king.

He had an account that was for queens above 18.

Yeah.

And he would put out calls for girls to

show him their boobs to make him laugh.

Is he in here?

And then he had merch.

Remember when he was selling merch?

And he's like, you got to send me an email, and then I'll email you back, and you write your address, and then send me a check.

What?

Yeah, his thing was, he was like, all right, send me a check.

Send an email of the

shirt you want and with what

where with the the address that you want it to go to when then when we respond then send another email back

and

and after you get that with your size and if you if you want a king or a queen written on it and then

jesse will get you

the

thing

and then when then you get the when once the money clears then we'll send you it and you're like what the fuck are you talking about?

Different,

yeah.

You never heard of that.

It's not a way to make a lot of money for sure.

You never heard of Shopify, yeah,

shit, yeah.

Pull your tits out.

I want to laugh, yeah, man.

And you know, he's still at it.

I still see him on the talk.

Fuck yeah, he's still at it.

Yeah, guys like that don't give up, they don't relentless.

Oh, here we go.

Good.

I mean, the design is just unbelievable.

I've worked with a couple designers, and this is, I've never seen anything like this.

Good morning.

Good morning.

That is unbelievable.

That is like

fuck.

Let's make some videos.

I want to see them.

I want to laugh.

This is like when Microsoft Word first started and you could insert symbols.

Yeah.

Remember?

And also, doesn't this highlight too how

like how design is not

it's not easy like to see like you know know, you see shit and you're like, that's fucking really cool.

That's a really talented person.

Yeah.

That, that put that together.

You take it for granted and you're like, oh.

The first, even people that design your home, like the furniture that you buy and how to place it.

Yes.

Just like the first house that we lived in, you know, I designed the furniture and you know what I did?

I bought fucking

lounge chairs, the electric lounge chairs, the lazy boys.

I bought us a row of lazy boys.

Yeah.

And

designer.

A trunk.

Yeah.

Like, we were living like frat boys when we had our first house.

You were the

you're the queen above 18

interior designer.

I suck.

Oh, and I'm such an idiot.

I bought like fake flowers from Amazon.

I'm like, I'm going to fake flowers.

Well, because we all think we can do it intuitively.

That's what, that's what happens.

You go, oh, I'll design the shirt.

And then you're like, it looks like that.

It's like a frat house.

Yeah.

It's bad.

It was so bad.

We need help, babe.

We need to hire somebody to do that.

He needs help, too.

He needs a lot of help

yeah it's not just us he needs help yeah

how you doing are you you're you're spicy today i know i actually want to tell people this shit puts me in a good mood what is it and it's legal and this is not a paid advertisement okay this is uh it's called fun guy is the company and they make kana fruit chews so kana is a plant i believe native to south africa and it's a mood booster oh i want one can i have one yes you can i'm excited i always need a mood booster.

God knows I need a mood booster.

That shit.

You can get it online.

I bought a bunch of it.

Yeah, I've been seeing you with these.

It's dericious.

Dericious.

Yeah, and it does change your mood.

Okay, here we go.

Watch.

Okay.

This one.

What?

Oh!

Oh, okay.

It says,

oh, I have to set an intention.

Warm empathy, love.

Nope, none of that.

Okay.

How about love?

Love's good.

Hmm.

Tastes good.

Maybe take two.

Wait, take it easy.

So taste good.

It tastes good.

No, it tastes like a fruit roll.

Highly recommend to all my friends out there that want to try.

You can get this online and you can get it legally.

Nice.

And it's called

Kana by Funguy.

Give me another one.

Yeah.

It's really good.

I like it.

That's what I'm saying.

Why not?

Go for it.

That's what I'm saying, bro.

It's good shit, bro.

All right.

You ready to start the show?

Am I?

We have so much to talk about.

Now that I'm in a better mood.

Here we go.

Here we go.

I'm telling you, you're going to like this.

You're going to like the way you look.

Here we go.

Guarantee it.

Uh-oh.

Nancy, if you want to fuck with me, I'll fuck with you one million times harder.

So, guess what, guys?

My mom got a big fat ass for a white girl, but she got some small ass titties, and she was so jealous of me when I got my titties, dude.

Yep.

You know what?

She made my dad buy her a boob job.

Those tits ain't real.

Those tits ain't real, guys.

My mom has fake boobs.

Mom, after eight years, you might get like the sickness.

It's like boob job fucking infection or something with the fuck or boob job syndrome or something.

It's like bad for your body.

Don't bring anyone up into this.

Talk about her mom.

Yeah, dude.

I get it.

Listen.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Maybe I'll be back with Tom Secura and Tom Shitsuacura.

Christina the Shitzi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Oh, I am in a better mood already.

That's crazy.

I'm telling you, when you find something that like that works for you,

it's like you want to tell everybody, I'm serious.

No, that's really good stuff.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's going to hit you more in an hour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very exciting.

Very amazed.

Amazing.

What do you think of this cool chick?

Well, listen, as somebody that had a mother that was competitive with me as well,

I understand what she's doing here.

Like, when I had my breasts coming in, my mother would shame me and be like, these are not breasts, these are little mosquito bites.

And she was always jealous.

She was jealous.

And then when I got my titties,

the same thing.

She's like, you need to wear bra, supportive bra, you're jiggling everywhere.

She would insult my titties.

So this is you if you had an American mom.

Oh,

right?

Yeah, for sure.

I'd be like, my mom's a bad business.

You dumb little bimbo whore.

You dumb little bimbo whore.

You let dad make you get a boob job.

Are you fucking kidding me, Nancy?

You're disgusting.

You're a bimbo.

Do you think old pro will be proud of that as a doctor?

As an obstetrician gynecologist, you think old pro would be proud of the fact that you got pressured into getting a boob job by dad?

And then you want to tell me that I don't deserve to survive?

Yikes.

Because you want to suck that fat pig's dick?

Yeah.

She doesn't like that either i thought this was just all about mom but then she was like dad pressure fat pig and call him a fat pig this girl and i would be best friends yeah i fucking feel this why don't you reach out

girl feel you why don't you reach out nancy fuck your fat dad dude you're right she's um yeah she's super fucking she's fired up she's 31 years old yep she's she calls her mom Nancy.

Yeah.

Well, Nancy probably did a number on this girl.

Yeah, she's really Nancy did some shit to her.

Yeah.

You don't just make a video like this if your parents are normal and cool.

I know.

Bro, if I was,

if I had a YouTube page growing up, this would be, this would be my whole shit.

Katie.

Her name's Katie.

Katie, I feel you.

You're right.

Fuck Nancy.

Fuck your fat ass dad and his tiny dick.

I hope your mom's tits get infected too.

Fuck her.

But also, it'd be nice.

I mean, I'm just saying this for...

not trying to be weird.

It'd be nice to see Katie's tits.

Because she was like, Nancy got super jealous.

That's right.

So, like, hers are naturals, is what she's saying.

So, what I'm saying is, Katie, how about a follow-up video?

Well, we want to laugh.

We want to have a good

show us your boobs.

You're above 18.

Show your tits.

Yeah.

Just giggling.

Yeah.

That's true, man.

It's dark shit.

Very dark.

She's on it.

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YMH Live was last Friday.

My beard's already grown back.

What a hoot and what a fun time.

Yes.

We had incredible original content.

We had Will Blunderfeld.

We had our own Tanner in there.

We had Duncan Trussell.

We had Tony John.

I know.

The ladies' man.

That was my favorite.

And 20 some odd stunned women who were like, what in the fuck is this?

They were completely flabbergasted that this was a real human being.

Yeah.

Charo.

Dipping her toe into OnlyFans with Alexis Fox.

Yep.

Who she's, by the way, in love with.

Charl loves Alexis.

I know.

They're going to hang out.

She totally loves her.

We had the original short film we made for her with Daniela Pineda, and Johnny Pemberton was in that.

Ryan Sickler's in that.

I make an appearance in it.

So much fucking fun.

And the great Dan Soder, one of the best comedians working today.

So that was all

YMH Live 10.

And you can see it right now by going to ymhstudios.com to watch the replay.

I hope you do.

We put a lot of time, a lot of effort into it, and I hope you you enjoy it.

I hope it makes you laugh.

You want to laugh?

Stupid.

Yeah, that was pretty fresh, dude.

You'll notice I'm drinking cranberry juice today.

I think I have a UTI brewing.

Yeah.

So I may have to get up and piss during the show.

Okay.

Don't get mad at me, though.

I'm not mad at you, bro.

I don't want to laugh.

I just want to laugh.

Also, I was recently in Chicago.

I want to say that was

one of the greatest experiences I've had doing stand-up for a multitude of reasons.

Look, I grew up when I was

11 years old in 1990, and we moved to Milwaukee, which is a couple hours from Chicago.

So, Chicago, we have the inferiority complex in Milwaukee.

Like, Chicago is like the place to be, right?

You want to go to Chicago.

And we would go to Chicago for a bunch of reasons.

I had some family in Chicago.

We went there for field trips to check out their museums.

And then

this thing happened in 90 91 which is there's a basketball team there called the Chicago Bulls and in Milwaukee we would get WGN which is the local Chicago station and I would watch Chicago Bulls basketball games and I was a kid you know you're like you're in school you're you're getting into sports and watching Michael Jordan play regularly like just watching full games I turned into like every kid was like this is like a an icon you know I mean we've just like enamored with this guy and with the team.

They were like, they became, I think for a lot of kids especially, like, that's the, that's all you cared about was the Bulls.

And I was obsessed too.

I got to see him play in person three times.

Oh, that's cool.

And yeah, I was just like the biggest fan.

And so anyway, I, you know, I had that kind of affection for the Bulls in Chicago as a kid.

And then I played Chicago as a comedian.

I started at the improv.

Then I went to Park West

in Schomburg.

Yeah.

Which I was, of course, you're like, I'm not in Chicago at all when you get there.

No, but shout out to the Asiago chicken, always my favorite dish in it.

Asiago chicken is killer.

Then I did Park West.

Then I did the Vic.

Then I did the Chicago Theater.

Then I did UIC Credit One Arena.

And then I finally did.

the United Center.

This is where the Bulls played.

This is Michael Jordan's house where he has a statue.

And we had about 17,000 people at the show.

God, Tom.

And it was fucking nuts.

Jeff Tate.

Yeah, he wore his best outfit, I can see.

So that's how Jeff Tate dresses.

Oh, I know.

Like a homeless person.

But it's homeless chic, though.

It kind of is, yeah.

Yeah.

That's not.

Homeless boxer.

Yeah, it's that's like he puts that's a fucking coordinated thing, man.

That's for sure.

He opened the show.

He killed.

Chris DeStefano was a surprise guest.

He killed.

And then I had

just a really fun set.

A lady had a seizure.

No.

Yeah.

Oh, how nice.

What a compliment to the chef.

It was really nice.

Did you feel somewhat good about yourself that you gave a woman a seizure from laughing?

Actually, so I didn't know because of how the room is lit and you're working the round, right?

The stage is in the middle for people that don't know.

And you just, you stay pacing.

And so I saw some.

The bigger a show gets, you don't want to acknowledge everything that's happening in the room, right?

Like you see people, you see security, you see things happening.

So I catch something out of the corner of my eye, but I'm like, there's some, I don't know, someone's trying to get to their seat.

Because that's also what thing people are like, I'm sitting here and

I just kind of keep walking.

So now I'm on the other side of the, of that stage.

I'm working this side of the audience, blah, blah, blah.

And then I come around again and I see that this looks like a scene.

So even though I'm in the middle of talking, I go, what is going on here?

And just stop, right?

And somebody goes, she's having a seizure.

She had had a seizure.

And I go, oh, shit.

So I go, hey, do you want to turn the house lights on?

I go, this is more important than what I'm doing.

And they go, no, it's okay.

What?

Did they have a medic there?

They must have.

Yeah, they had stretcher and everything.

Oh, shit.

And I go,

you don't want to turn the lights on?

And they go, no, we're fine.

I go, okay.

It's amazing.

You know, so many times things like this happen during shows, particularly in the summertime, because you have people who are day drinking, and then they'll come to your show.

Like at the comedy store, I had somebody vomit during my set in the front row in the summertime because it's hot in there.

And then at Zane's in Nashville, a woman passed out in the balcony and like same thing, ambulance came, the stretcher came.

And you're like, this is not ideal for God.

This was pretty.

And then they wheeled her out.

Oh, my God.

And I go, hey, you know.

I go, if you guys are with her, I would go.

And everybody laughed.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, no, no, we're not with her.

I was like, oh, okay.

Fuck that bitch.

Well, I hope we.

And then I pray to Hail Mary for her with the audience.

Oh, that's nice.

But then I realized I thought she had a hijab on, so I just, I just, I prayed to Allah for her.

Yeah.

And then

God don't care about, you know,

all of the peeps.

He only cares about the right, the right kinds.

That's right.

God's very Christian.

Speaking of Michael Jordan, I dreamt.

The other day that you and I were black.

Isn't that cool?

I think you mean you had a nightmare.

No,

no,

no, it was so crazy.

You and I were like this hot black couple.

Wait, could you, did we have the same or do we look totally different?

I had

like short afro hair

and I had a huge ass

and huge tits, which is not it.

I have not eaten nothing.

You've morphed into somebody.

Yeah, it was awesome.

And you weren't just like a black king.

Like you were like this Adonis.

Wow.

And I had the best brown vagina.

It was crazy.

We were doing it.

Oh, Jesus.

You didn't say that.

Yeah.

Were you like, hey, babe?

Did you say that?

No.

Well, maybe.

I don't remember talking a whole lot, but I just know it was you and me, and we were black people.

And I had the, like I said, a beautiful brown vagine.

And you had a beautiful black penis.

Cool.

And we were just banging.

It was great.

Yeah, I know what your search engine looks like.

Maybe.

Maybe.

And then we just banged it out.

We banged it out.

Nice.

I know.

It's so weird that I've been having sex dreams about you because I don't think married people do that.

Like, I'm not supposed to, right?

Like, aren't I supposed to have it?

I don't think there's a rule that dictates it.

And you can just let your mind go where it goes.

You don't have to force the dream.

But don't you think it's a testament to my attraction to you?

Yeah.

Even in sleep, I...

I'm very flattered.

And I'm sure you only dream of me sexually, right?

I don't have a lot of sex dreams, though.

What?

I don't have a lot of sex dreams.

What do you dream about?

I mean,

where was it last night?

It was mostly Nazis last night.

Yeah, that's what you're into, darkness.

You only like murder, destruction, sadness, kidnapping.

I've been watching that Black Hawk Down documentary.

Yeah, I know.

Just fill your head full of good things before you go right to sleep.

Those fucking Somalis.

You don't like

the Somalis?

I mean, if you watch this documentary, you won't like them.

I know.

I've been there.

You're like fucking Delta Force.

Get in there.

They're tiny people.

These are very tall and lean people.

Yeah, they are.

They actually seem like lovely people.

Yeah.

It's just a horrible incident in time that happened there.

I know.

Yeah, it's a good documentary.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You like it?

What do you like about it?

Just it's well, it's a well-told story.

I remember that vaguely happening.

Yeah, that's the thing is you think you remember and then

they do a great job of so everybody remembers Blackhawk Down, like the

movie and the term, like the expression, and that it's related to that thing that happened in Somalia.

But then when you watch the doc, they give you the backstory of like what's happening in Somalia leading up to this, right?

Yeah.

Civil war and the split kind of between different factions there and

how the Americans were seen as saviors for a while.

And then there's like turning point where it's like, hey, they're, you know, a couple.

The thing about trying to police a country when you're military is that you're going to have incidents that go wrong.

And then the people are going to be like, oh, you're not here helping us.

And there's a bit of that.

And then,

yeah, and then the actual incident itself is like

these guys are on a mission to take out this general, like the guy who's, you know, the top bad guy and some of his.

Cabinet, let's say.

And then it just, everything just goes sideways.

I mean, that's, that's the best way to kind of summarize it.

Everything goes sideways.

You literally fill your head, like my watch list is so different than yours.

You just fill your head with violence, war, scandal, kidnapping, serial killer.

It's all dark blackness.

But I think that, isn't that what men generally watch?

I feel like I don't know.

Don't you guys all watch, like, you're not watching Bridget Jones's new movie.

No.

What the fuck is that?

You know, you guys all watch awful things.

A lot of death.

Yeah, I just watched what Jennifer did last night.

What's that?

That is crazy, man.

It's a little Asian girl, and she called like 9-1.

She's like, my parents, they're dead.

I don't know what to do.

And then they just slowly discover that it was this bitch the whole time.

Oh, my God.

This psycho?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold up.

See, I would watch this with you.

I'll watch that.

That shit's fire.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, she looks so fun.

Turns out she's just a big goofball.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's a little knucklehead.

Yep.

Fuck, dude.

And you know that you'd go back with her if she was like, come back.

Come back with her.

I want to show you something in my room.

And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Show me.

Why did she kill her parents?

Was she being abused like the Menendez brothers?

It was just a mistake.

It was a misunderstanding.

Yeah.

That happens all the time.

I forgive her.

See?

Yeah, she's cute, though.

Thank God she's attractive.

Yeah, it's a totally different story when they're not attractive.

Big time.

No one cares.

No one cares what Jennifer does if she's not hot.

Yeah.

It's only when she's hot.

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Speaking of not hot, I was on a flight yesterday from Los Angeles to Austin.

I had the fattest flight attendant I have ever seen.

And not only fat, the fattest, gayest flight attendant, which is fine.

I like the gayest.

You're a fucking try me fat.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

And I'm just saying, my suspicion is that this airline doesn't say anything to him because he's gay and maybe it's misinterpreted as homophobic or something.

Well, there's also, there's this big push in the airline industry for more inclusivity.

Fuck right off with that.

Yeah, it doesn't matter on all levels.

I'm not talking about pilots.

I'm talking about

behind the gate and

working as flight attendants.

I can have a one-legged,

trans

flight attendant as long as he's not morbidly obese.

Why does that bother you?

Because he can barely fit through the aisle.

It's a safety issue.

Not only that, the airline's probably losing money because he's weighing the amount of, what, two suitcases, two people.

How fat is is it?

It affects the weight of the plane.

This fucking guy,

like black lady bus driver fat, like where they have a big butt that's a shelf,

and he was really fat.

Really, okay, I don't know how to do it in male.

If it was a woman,

three bills.

Okay.

Three bills.

It's a really big guy.

And really having a hard time getting through the aisle and bending over and stuff.

I'm like, this is not okay.

That's insane.

Your job is to be able to get through these narrow aisles.

Yeah, their number one job is safety of passengers, actually.

Right.

Because the what is it, the FAA?

They're lieutenants of the federal fuck your mother commission, and they can tell you to buckle your seatbelts.

You have to listen to them.

Yeah, you do have to listen to them.

So

I don't trust the fat slob.

I don't trust him.

I don't like him.

You're real fired up about this.

Well, because it was such a disturbing.

Yeah.

Hey, fatty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's disturbing.

I got it.

I got it.

Yeah.

I mean, it's it's

too fat.

And then I saw an adult man, a 55-year-old adult male.

He had a laptop open.

Yeah.

Watching like

a cartoon, like a Japaname cartoon.

Like it was an episode of an ongoing series that he's into.

Not like a nostalgia thing where he's watching like, oh, Tom and Jerry, like we all grew up.

Like he deliberately, he brought the content on the plane and watching a full episode of like a children's cartoon.

I'm like, this is nuts.

Like, I, all I could think about was, like, what if this is like a 55-year-old top dog

on a plane?

Could you ever, in your wildest dreams, feel like my dad, your dad at 55, watching a fucking cartoon?

There are different kinds of guys.

There are different kinds of guys.

Listen, this is this is one type of guy, okay?

Well, I am.

That's the

loser.

Look at me.

I'm 50 years old.

I'm a 50-year-old man.

Still living in my parents' basement.

Yeah.

Acting like I'm married to a mannequin.

And I think that these are my kids.

These are dolls.

These are toys.

They're not real kids.

You're not real kids.

I'm a loser.

I'm a failure.

I've never moved out.

Living in my parents' basement

with a beautiful mannequin.

She was beautiful.

I love her so much.

I do.

I love you, Emily.

Fuck.

Fuck, dude.

Yes.

Darn.

Emily's cute.

This guy's a little different.

Emily is beautiful, though.

The guy I saw was like a professional.

Like, he was not a loser.

He was just an adult man that was watching children's cartoons.

I can't find a real woman.

I don't got a real librarian girlfriend in the house.

I made it all up.

I tried to fool y'all.

I had you guys fooled for a very long time, too, didn't I?

Oh

my goodness, Emily.

You smell like Chinese plastic.

The best Chinese plastic

that they make.

This is...

I'm a loser.

I'm a failure.

I'm a fraud.

I'm a liar.

Oh, my goodness.

I don't know.

I think he's just a low IQ adult.

Could you have a little bit of empathy for this poor man?

No.

He's got a good life he lives in his mom's basement well here's the thing this dolls this was such a heavy video i mean this guy is confessing what his basically that his greatest fears are true yeah

and

then he breaks to smell his doll i know and he's like i love like he's going back and forth like this is like a full exposure of somebody's inner workings you know i know and the comment says don't say you're a loser you're not right so that's what he's responding to yeah which Which, yeah, that's

a crazy fucking A, man.

Well, what does this make you feel?

Because I own.

I feel a couple of things.

First of all,

first of all, you know, one of the things I noticed?

Not a bad fit.

Those are nice jeans.

I like his shoes.

He's got a cool chain.

Yeah, he's fine.

He's fine.

He's happy.

I like the outfit.

It is crazy that he pretends that he's married to Emily the doll, the mannequin, with his baby dolls.

But he also, like, there's like peeks into the fact that he has full conversations.

This man's incapable probably of a relationship with a real

woman, you know.

But aren't you glad that he has Emily?

Yeah, I'm happy that that gives him some level of, you know,

I know.

I just, I do think that

I do wish that people would just be ashamed of what they're doing.

That's weird.

Like, I do want to bring that back where we just kind of like, just be quiet about it.

Like, don't watch your anime on the plane.

Don't talk about your girl, your plastic girlfriend.

Just hide it.

Just hide it.

Because it bums me out.

It bums everyone out.

It's here to stay.

What is this?

Does he talk about this?

Now, this right here is actually a good question.

How does Emily go to the bathroom?

Well,

we've been married for two years now.

No, you're not.

And she's lived with me for five.

Oh, you dated her?

You know what?

I've never seen her go to the bathroom.

Not even once.

So I'm not even sure if she goes to the bathroom.

I'm not 100% sure mannequins go to the bathroom at all.

I just don't know.

You're not 100% sure?

I don't know what she does

when I'm in the house.

Yeah.

So

he's 50.

He lives with his parents, though.

His parents have got to be up there in age.

But the thing is,

this guy's, he's too far gone.

You know, the funny thing, too, is that he has that relationship, which gives him some fulfillment, and then he has an inner relationship with followers online.

That's good, but it's it no, it just shows you that all of that cannot substitute human interaction.

No, like this guy, I don't think he interacts with any other humans than maybe his parents.

That's a good thing, though.

He shouldn't be interacting with other humans.

You don't think so?

Here's one thing that I think is positive: because he doesn't know how Emily goes to the bathroom, it means that he's not having sex with her, with it, which is kind of cool.

100% not true.

He is fucking that doll in every possible scenario.

How is he fucking her?

She doesn't have a fuck hole.

That's not what he said.

He said he doesn't watch her use the bathroom.

Oh,

he's never seen her walk to the toilet and take a shit.

That doesn't mean he doesn't fill her up all the time.

How gross do you think that doll is?

Like, it's full of his jiz.

I think he might be one of these super meticulous cleaning guys, though.

He does look clean.

It might be like sparkling clean down there, but there's come in it every day, yeah.

In the eyes, in the mouth, and the yeah, right.

There's no way he's not, and he probably does this thing where when he comes inside of it, he's probably like, Oh, Emily, what'd you do?

What'd you do?

He blames Emily for it.

Look what you made me do, bitch.

Oh, no, you're oh, you got to clean up.

And then he, good job, and cleans her and he talks to her.

Yeah, yeah, oh my god, you're gonna get pregnant again.

We already have two dolls.

No clue what the hell you're talking about here, Little Father.

None whatsoever.

I just got one question for you.

What would make you think that I have a clue what plastic holes would feel like?

You're weird.

Get some help.

See, that leads me to believe that maybe he's such a low IQ adult that he's not doing that behavior.

Like, he's not.

No, you think it's inevitable.

He's a man, he's still a guy.

He's fucking that doll.

He's fucking that doll.

Yeah, and I don't even think

I don't think he's that low IQ either.

I think he's he has

awareness enough to like

have the doll, know how to pretend, dress the doll, take like he's not like dumb, dumb, dumb.

Well, and hold on, noel, hold on.

One thing we've noticed about cool guys, see,

they don't know how to upload videos properly or title them.

And look, they're usually all the same thing.

Yeah, how's he doing all this?

It's the same brain

that finds different holes that come in the doll.

Advanced autism.

Did they say that to him?

Yeah.

Do you argue much?

Let's hear that one.

Well, that's the good thing about being married to a mannequin.

Oh, that's the best part.

But But we do argue.

You do argue.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

What does it say?

Advanced autism?

Was the other one?

Well, actually, I wouldn't call me advanced at playing the acoustic guitar because I'm not.

I know how to play the acoustic guitar.

Acoustic guitar.

But I'm not that good at it.

He thinks the word is.

I don't know how to play one or two songs.

Acoustic, not autism.

And one of the songs is Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.

And the other one is Sweet Home, Alabama.

So they're just like, are you advanced?

He thinks they're saying, you're advanced at your acoustic skills.

Yeah, but you think it's a bit

auditory?

Because acoustic is kind of, that's like something that people say on socials to like

in place of auditory.

That's right.

Like you're regarded or respected.

He's trying to...

What's up, Tom?

He's trying to be funny.

For sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was noticing just because of the framing.

Like,

look at the Shawnee's framing in every photo.

Like, uh-uh.

He knows what he's doing.

Look at that.

No, but the repetition of the screen, like the repetition, that's a cool guy all over it.

Oh, shit.

That's a cool guy outfit for sure.

Oh, my God.

I think it's cap.

That chain's too nice.

That chain's nice.

It is a nice chain.

I have to pee.

I've got a UTF.

Okay, go for it.

Who are they?

Who are those people?

Those are cool guys.

This is the ugly wall.

Yeah, it's not the highest ugly guy wall.

These guys will never end up on that wall.

These are people we discovered online that we ended up usually meeting or highlighting.

Yeah.

Like you saw Fancy Chef, right?

You saw that guy.

No.

You didn't see Fancy Chef?

No.

Ever?

The black dude?

Yeah, the Black Chef.

Yeah, yeah.

Black Chef.

We call him Black Chef.

Yeah,

he came to the studio and cooked for us.

Oh, nice.

So he got a portrait.

Okay, cool.

You know Robert Paul Champagne.

He's a New York legend.

Nah.

You don't know Robert Paul Champagne?

What is the context?

It's on the map.

He's literally, you can put him in Google Maps and it shows you his address.

Type in Robert Paul Champagne.

So he is the guy who

put out a video years ago

just calling for all black men to come to his apartment.

Black guys who like to fucking fuck good.

Yeah.

That's what he said.

Yeah, yeah.

The first.

That didn't hit my circles, surprisingly.

Yeah, that's him.

Yeah, there's just, so they're all just like.

That guy in the middle down there with the tattoo on his forehead was a mortgage broker.

Oh, cool.

And he ended up putting out

tit cup videos where he made his tits grow.

And he also shits on French fries.

Oh, my God.

How much time do you spend on the internet?

I've always wanted to have.

That's so fun.

I actually am.

I don't go that

deep.

Like, that's a lie.

No, it's true.

That's a lie.

I knew that you were locked in because I always knew that you were plugged into internet culture or whatever.

We rolling.

We should just roll.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, here, let's just get this out of the way.

Starting today, the moment you see this, you can go to Netflix and catch the all-new special, Andrew Schultz Life, and welcoming, or we're welcoming back the great Andrew Schultz, everybody.

Oh, thank you.

Welcome.

Congratulations on the special.

Thank you very much, man.

Yeah, that's awesome, man.

And on a baby.

Yeah, that's the cool.

They're kind of intertwined.

Yeah, the special is about trying to make the baby.

Yeah, that's very cool.

I'd heard about this because I would run into somebody that goes on the road with you.

Oh, post them, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, Derek.

And he told me like that theme a while ago.

I was like, oh, that's really good.

But now I get to actually see it.

I can't wait to see it.

Yeah, yeah.

Check it out, man.

If you get time.

It was cool.

It was tough for us to get pregnant.

So we talked about that briefly.

Yeah.

Like a while ago.

Yeah, I guess I was foreshadowing.

I was like, I didn't, yeah, I didn't think it was going to be this tricky, but it was.

No, and you know what's crazy is that as a woman, too, you spend most of your life trying not to get pregnant.

And then That's interesting.

And then one day you're like,

let's do it.

Let's pull the goalie and let's try it.

And it is hard.

Unless you're 18 years old.

Yeah.

You know?

Well, it wasn't her fault.

Was it your fault?

Yeah.

You're swimming.

My sperm doesn't.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The doctor said my sperm swims like Lizzo in a Riptop.

I got a great doctor if you want to.

He's a very cool doctor.

He's got awesome parlance to describe your medical difficulties.

That's very funny.

Yeah, so my sperm sucks.

And,

but I thought it was her fault too.

So it was, it was very surprising.

And then I just started talking about on stage, and it was like so weird.

I thought

this is kind of cliche, but I literally thought that this is like an anomaly that nobody goes through.

And I would like talk about it on stage.

And these guys would come up to me afterwards and they wouldn't admit it, but they'd be like, that was some funny stuff right there, man.

Like, yeah, you keep doing that.

That was good.

That was good.

And I was like, what's going on?

And I started talking to friends and they would, um,

every one of them was like, oh, yeah, we're doing IVF.

Like, everybody, I'm 41, so I'm a little older, obviously, but like, I didn't know.

And I was like, oh, is this like the last taboo thing?

Is this the thing that we're like afraid to admit?

That is a kind of a, that is a thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which I don't think you should be embarrassed about.

Like, I think it's like your kids will really know you want them.

Yes.

You know that like fear that kind of like the generation before us all had, which is like, did my parents even want me?

Right.

Like they came back from war and it was like, I guess we do this.

Yeah.

And then, but yeah, like if you do it, like we paid.

There's like a receipt.

Yeah.

It was pre-meditated, you know?

So did we because you guys did it?

The second day.

Second time around.

We didn't even.

I didn't know this.

Have you ever spoken about this before?

No, really?

We were so in it that we didn't.

But like, it wasn't even.

We didn't even go like,

let's try and then do it.

We just went straight to it.

You went, okay.

Well, because

we were were all.

We'll tell you why.

You took a look at Christina.

That's for sure.

Coached.

Woo!

This kid's not going to fucking be able to

sit with a fork if we do it the regular way.

Because the first baby I had at 39, like I delivered it, I think, 38 or 30.

Wow.

Okay.

So I was already a geriatric pregnancy, and all I had to do was take like a pill.

I know.

It's so fucked up.

I took like one pill and I got pregnant, but then I had a miscarriage before that.

And they said, well, now that you're 40 to go in for baby number two.

They're like, you know, the chances of miscarriage are like really, really high.

And I didn't want to go through another miscarriage because it's so heartbreaking.

That's the other thing I didn't realize, like how often people have miscarriages.

Oh, yes.

Oh, so often.

Almost everybody.

It's unbelievable.

It's a lot.

Like, I even think a lot of girls that are just kind of having sex regularly

that have like a late period.

Yeah.

It's not really a late period.

It's a miscarriage.

They just weren't aware that they were pregnant.

And then when you're trying to get pregnant, now you're acutely aware of what's happening in your body.

Yeah,

we thought that happened.

I mean,

I talk about in the special, but like, yeah,

we thought we lost it, actually.

Really?

Yeah, it was really scary.

My wife started bleeding.

How pregnant was she?

How far along?

She was.

That's a great question.

Like, was she showing?

Early.

No, it was very early because.

The story I tell in the special is actually not as tragic, but like we went to see if there was a heartbeat and it wasn't developed enough to hear it yet oh yeah so we had to wait a week oh my god so the doctor's like we think it's okay yeah that's terrible but you have to wait so the whole week you're just like holding your breath i'm doing podcasts oh my god reacting to shit on the internet like i don't give a fuck about anything so yeah it was crazy oh my god so the first pregnancy we had i was 35 i think when we first started i got pregnant right away And Tommy and I were touring with YMH at the time.

We were driving through Dallas.

Remember, we were driving through Texas.

And we just found out that the baby wasn't viable.

It was, we did an ultrasound, and it was like six weeks along and it was dead.

And the doctor, remember, she was like, Well, do you want to miss Carry naturally or do you want me to abort it?

And I was like, Just do it naturally.

So you're basically waiting for your miscarriage.

And I just remember we were touring and we had to make money.

I had to go to Texas the whole time, just crossing my fingers that I wouldn't miss Carrie, you know, on the road.

God forbid.

And then one time I did, remember, I had a miscarriage on New Year's Eve

at this ball drop in Austin, yeah.

And I was having a miscarriage

as I was telling jokes.

No, that's how dark that was.

But then I was kind of used to it.

You're just bleeding.

And you're like, well, I may as well just go tell these jokes on New Year's Eve and fucking forget about it.

But it, yeah, you just have to live your life that this death is happening or happened.

Yeah, also delivering that late, like having a late, yeah, I'm sure like it's a constant concern for women especially as you get a little bit older yeah yeah clampsia

excuse me do you mind sorry

i don't know if your uh experience was like this but so we we go in for

for second baby yeah and we're like let's just do this like there's not even

try something yeah let's not even try anything else so then they go okay

You know, we got, we made the potion.

And then they were like, all right,

you have 19 embryos.

You got 19.

20 years old.

19 embryos.

Christina.

Yeah.

Strong Eastern neurovention.

19 embryos or 19 eggs?

19 eggs.

No, no, no.

Nam.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Embryos is after they.

So usually you like half it along the process, right?

No, no, no.

I had a lot of eggs.

You must have had like 30 eggs.

Yeah, you had 19 embryos and they were all male.

They were all male.

And then they go, so now you get, now we, we put them in and we rank them.

Yeah.

They're like, these six have Down syndrome.

Do you want them?

I'm like, do we want them?

Yeah.

And then they're like, this one has a horrible heart defect.

Yeah.

This one will have this disease.

And I'm like, I'm assuming we're excluding these.

And they're like, well, it's up to you.

And I'm like, oh, okay.

And then they go all the way through and blah, blah, blah.

And then they're like, and we have one that's rated A ⁇ .

And I go, we'll take fucking that one.

We'll take the A ⁇ .

And they're like, okay, well, you just have the choice.

And I'm like, yeah, there's not a choice.

There's no choice.

There's one good emblem.

There's one good embryo.

It starts at the bottom.

Yeah, because but some of them I'm saying when they said the 19 they were basically like 11 of these

are not viable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We went through the same thing.

How did she have eggs?

She had enough eggs.

Yeah, yeah, we were lucky.

We didn't get that haul, but it was,

but yeah, she had like nine.

And then

and then we were able to do it.

And then, you know, we didn't choose the gender.

The choosing the gender thing is kind of.

That's crazy.

It's kind of funny because.

Wait, hold on.

You can choose, like, they can take which sperm.

Well, no, you know what gender the embryo is.

That's what we did.

So you guys had all males, all boys.

So, but you know, we had both.

And we were like, we didn't want to know.

We were like, we felt like it was like playing God a little bit too much.

But after reflecting on it a little bit, like

there are some countries that don't let you choose the gender, right?

I think America's like the only one that kind of lets you.

And

it is kind of funny because it's

very rarely is someone choosing girl.

Right.

You know what I mean?

So when they say you can choose the gender, they're basically saying, can you choose boy?

Now, it is, right?

But they can't say it like that.

So the other countries, they realize, oh, shit, everybody's just choosing boy.

And we got all these chicks that are just on the shelf.

So we need to, you know, we need to solve this problem.

And they go, okay, you can't choose.

We're just putting whatever's in there.

Interesting.

But it is rare you go in.

Like, I think some people do it like if they've had three kids and they just want a girl.

Yeah.

Like Charlemagne, he has four girls.

Four girls.

Yeah.

So I, and I know by the fourth, you were going for the boy.

Yeah.

You know?

So I don't think they're going to do another kid.

But if they did, IVF, some people go, okay, I want this locked in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He might have our luck and they'd be like, hey, you have 19 girls.

Or some people want one of each, which I understand.

Hell yeah.

It's awesome.

But you know what I was going to say?

You're right that there's,

I didn't like to be too public with it because A, what if it doesn't work?

And now you're embarrassed or you feel sad and it's a public sadness.

And B, because of my age, I felt a little bit of shame because we're using science to do something that nature doesn't want to happen.

And there's a weird shame attached to that for me.

Like, you feel guilty about going through it?

Yes, like I'm cheating nature.

Like, you're not supposed to.

I'm not supposed to be doing this.

And I know that.

And you know that on some level because I am now.

Hold on, I'm 48.

I have a kindergartner.

Yeah.

I'm a 48-year-old mom of a kindergartner yeah

beautiful thankfully in good health yeah but like wow that's not how nature intended that yeah but we do so much that's not how nature intended we fly on planes you know what i mean no there's you have blonde hair yeah naturally you know what i mean like it's just we constantly are refuting nature's desire so i'm not worried about that at all and nature wants us to have babies they just gave us some signs to do it that's a good way it definitely helps yeah i feel like with 19 embryos you guys would have got pregnant immediately regularly.

But then they weren't sticking.

They were the eggs were the eggs were not perfect enough.

Yeah.

Yeah, I could get pregnant, but they weren't.

I think that's why genetically good enough.

With all that help, we had legitimately one good option.

Yeah, we had one good egg.

And that was Juju.

Yeah.

And then he came out like a Gerber.

Like, he's just like big cheeks, blue eyes.

Like, hey, like, he's like a baby advertisement, you know.

Oh, my God.

And now he's like, fuck you, motherfucker.

He's like, what the fuck, man?

And I'm like,

is he closer?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

How old are they?

Six.

Six.

And he's like, why is this fucking table here?

I love it.

Well, that's the fun part of having kids as a comedian.

Because

I don't really have a gauge on what's societally normal sometimes.

And I just let, like, for instance, our boys like hammers.

They're just like fucking hammer shit.

And they're fighting over one hammer this weekend.

And I said, you know what, boys?

Let's go to the hardware store.

I'm going to buy you each a fucking hammer.

Yeah.

Okay.

And we're going to buy shovels.

We're going to go to to the park, and you're just gonna fucking wild out.

Yeah, okay.

Now, if we had done that in LA, a million people would be looking at me stinking, you let your boys be toxic male, but in Texas, they were like, Look at them boys, just dig in and hit me

for sure.

But I don't know if that's normal, like, is that a normal thing?

Do you feel judgment as parents in LA?

Is that what you're saying?

Yes, I really think that LA, like the way that I summarize it for people is like you walk into a place in LA with a young kid, let's say like a three-year-old or something.

Right away, they're like,

ah it's gonna run oh it's an inconvenience yeah and they're like is he gonna and then in texas you walk in with that kid and the kid knocks something over and they go it's a kid yeah it's yeah that's just like family value yeah they're like it's what kids do yeah and you're like oh yeah yeah i've noticed that traveling too Like when my wife was pregnant, we were in Mexico, we were in Italy, the excitement around her being pregnant

was amazing.

Yeah, they were like, so.

Wow.

And they'd start telling you about their kid and like what their first time pregnant was.

There's this like beautiful excitement around it.

And

in New York, nobody's getting off the bus.

You know, there's not like I remember being a child.

My mom was pregnant with my brother, nine months pregnant with my brother.

And my mom's from Scotland and nobody would get up.

And she, I remember my mom, my mom's standing up and I'm on the bus and I'm five years old and she just goes, you call yourselves men.

It was like a brave heart speech in the middle of the fucking bus.

You call yourselves men.

You're cowards.

A pregnant woman standing on the bus.

And then some guy like sheepishly got up and she goes, I don't want it anymore.

Just chastising this whole bus.

But people don't give a fuck.

They really don't care.

Yeah, it is like...

But, you know, that does feel more like in New York, you're like, yeah, this is...

Yeah, we see it all here.

It's also like, you don't come here to have kids.

New York, there's a purpose.

You come here to make it in whatever your field is.

Yes.

And then some of us are crazy enough to be born there or create families there.

But it's not really built for that.

And you live in the city, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Born and raised.

But you know what?

New York City kids.

Like when I go to New York and I watch a fucking like 10-year-old

friend.

Yeah, and they're ordering their shit from Starbucks.

They've got backpacks.

They know where they're going.

Yeah.

That is something that like I want to have there to be like a little more confidence.

I feel like now that like,

you know, the liberal cities are getting shit on and all that kind of stuff like that.

It's just like, yeah, okay, whatever, but you're not going to live in fucking Montana.

Like, it's fun to go to for a week or whatever.

It's just not reality.

Like, it's at the end of the day when you're sitting and dreaming about what your life could be like, you know, it's either you have this beautiful home and all your family and everybody are living around you, or you're going after it in New York, Miami, L.A.

Maybe you guys can build Austin into it.

You know what I mean?

But like, it's not there yet.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, just be honest.

Like, just, I think if you're a young comedian, come here.

This is where the industry is right there.

And by industry, I mean literally you guys, Joe, Kill Tony.

Like, this is where I see comedians exploding.

And a lot of them are moving here.

A lot of them.

They are.

If you're young, like I was born and raised in New York.

Yeah.

So for me to leave that is a big deal.

That's crazy.

If you're from Maine and you move to New York to be a stand-up comedian and you have no real attachment to the city and you can't get anything going and you see all these people out in Austin, it becomes accessible.

That's the thing.

I think if you go to New York, you're 21 right right now, you're like, I'm going to start doing a stand-up.

You do go, well, where the fuck do I start?

Where do I go?

Also, do you see them cracking off in New York?

That's what I would look at.

Like, the landscape before when we were younger was, okay, I see people getting on like premium blend or whatever that shit is.

And then in LA, there was like maybe a version of that as well.

But like Comedy Central is in both of these areas.

Yeah.

I don't see people blowing up off Comedy Central.

I see people blowing off off Clips.

Clips.

Kill Tony, coming on pods, and like getting into these ecosystems.

And in New York, I don't really see a thing in this moment where people are exploding out of

like, that's an issue, yeah, yeah.

Like, I think about this now that like special's over, it's like, I think I want to like make something specifically for that.

I want to have like a property where young comics can

build a career out of, or at least like get a spotlight on them, you know, because I don't feel like it's there.

And to me, if I'm a young comic there, I'm going, oh, well, there are these other places with those spotlights.

I think you can get on your feet quicker in an Austin, right?

Like, if you go, I'm going to New York or I'm going to LA, you know, your goal is like, I want to be at the cellar or I want to be at the store or something.

Yeah.

But you just go like, well, it's going to take a long time.

That's the thing.

It's daunting.

We're like, here you come out and do it.

You could probably, you can get on that stage.

There's less competition here.

My terms.

Like, like the high-level guys are elite.

And then there's like a big gap.

And then there's like really talented four five level four five year guys yeah but there's not a lot of like the 10 12 year professional comedian

and that's what new york has yes and i think that's what la has it's just like the 12 year guys that go up and they crush and the first time you see them you're like who the fuck is this guy like what's going and there's just a hundred of them and that's i think where you kind of really kind of set the standard for your comedy yeah like that worked for me like following greer barnes for a decade you're just like holy shit.

Is this the funniest human being?

I've ever it's like the audience just thought it was the funniest.

You following Mike Britt for a decade

once Austin attracts all those

Then

you know because think about the four or five year guys they got to follow that Mm-hmm, you know, like it makes you stronger.

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, that's what we went through.

I was thinking about like when I thought about you coming in, I was like thinking about how many New York guys make me laugh so hard that are like, you know, that are good ones, right?

Yeah, because I just had DeStefano came out.

Chrissy, hilarious.

He came out to Chicago and did the show with me over the weekend.

Yeah.

And he is so fucking funny on stage and off.

Oh, yeah.

Great egg, too.

He's a great egg.

Great egg, yeah.

And I was thinking of like the,

well, like Tim Dylan's in New York.

Yeah.

He's such a ridiculous, funny guy.

I guess they're Philly guys, but they live in New York.

The Are You Garbage Guys?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love them.

But like, they have, you guys all have that, there's like that East Coast kind of

type of person

quality to them that is like, they say shit, they're unapologetic, and just so.

Opinionated about everything.

Opinionated, heavily.

Really, that's what it comes down.

And here's the thing.

You realize this after you do Standard for a while.

You cannot be considered a funny person if you don't have opinions.

Strong opinions.

It doesn't have to be right or wrong.

It doesn't matter.

It just has to feel a strong way.

And that is New York, like in a nutshell.

And maybe even the Northeast.

It's just like strong opinions, completely uninformed.

Yes.

And we don't care.

That's right.

If If you can ask somebody from New York how they feel about anything, it could be wooden tables, and they will tell you immediately how they feel about it.

Yes.

And with nothing backing it at all.

Yeah.

Like, just, should we buy Greenland?

I'm not going to pay for it.

It'd be nice to have.

Just an immediate opinion.

Yeah, there doesn't even have to be logic there at all.

Like, the less logic, the better.

And it's just strong feelings.

And sometimes you don't know if they believe it, and it really doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

It is pretty beautiful, actually.

You seem so

you've changed, I think, since you've had a child.

Oh, no way.

I sense a calmness and a stillness.

Cool.

Yeah, I'm gay now.

You're gay.

You're sucking cocks.

You're butt fucking.

Rimming.

Is that accurate?

Am I being accurate?

Are you just like...

Yeah, I wonder.

I think there's a...

I think so.

There's a grounding force that happens.

Just care less.

My world is small in terms of the things I care about.

For sure.

So it's like, I care about how my wife and my family feel about me, my immediate friends, of course.

And

yeah, it's just, I'm very satisfied with that.

Whereas before, what the world thinks about you is really important.

You're so concerned.

Like, will I be able to achieve my dreams?

And what if this thing happens or that thing happens?

And obviously, I went through like, you know, a million different crazy things.

But.

But yeah, I just, I just don't really care about them as much anymore.

Isn't that liberating, though?

Yeah, it's awesome.

Yeah, I agree.

Since I had breast cancer, I don't have it anymore.

Yeah.

But you go through that as part of the research I did on that.

Okay, yeah.

But it totally like fillets you.

It opens your whole shit up.

And you're like, whoa, like I'm going to die.

Did you think you were going to be out of here?

Yeah.

Wow.

Of course, you get that diagnosis and you're like, well, how bad is it?

Well, we don't know for two weeks.

So that two weeks of sweating it out and waiting.

We went to Italy, thank God, and had a good time.

But like you start to go like, well, what's really important here?

I've got time, a certain amount of time left on this planet.

What's it going to be?

Is it going to be like

whatever whatever your priorities are so what did you want to do with that time well at first i was more concerned about touring and being a famous comedian and accolades and and now i don't care as much it's really like i'm hydroponic gardening yeah i have a cat yeah i'm really into my cat yeah i'm relearning hungarian i'm playing the drums like just doing things that i that nourish you didn't love couldn't do because i was so focused on being the driven comedian and trying to make it which we all are that's so like outside in right It's like, you know, you

it's out of your control.

Yeah.

Right.

It's like, if these people like you, they like you.

If they don't like you, you don't.

If you have like cultural utility in that moment,

you know, like Yakos Miranov is,

I don't know that much about his stand-up, but I imagine the fact that like we're in a Cold War with Russia probably leaned into some of the success and interest in that person.

Yeah.

So a lot of times with comedy, it's like, do you have cultural utility?

Yeah.

And that decides how meteoric your rise is.

So weird, isn't it?

You know, so, but yeah, it's cool that you're just doing the the things that make you happy.

Time, man.

You can't get that time back.

That's the biggest.

Yeah.

And maybe as we get older, it's way more apparent.

I never considered time at all.

It definitely hits you more with every year.

And like every person I talk to talks about how fast

they grow, the kids.

Yeah.

Yeah, the kids, it's really interesting.

Like hearing people talk about their kids really brings out the best version of themselves in a lot of ways.

And it's kind of beautiful.

My experience with kids, a lot of times, especially with comedians, is like the jokes that they make about them.

And a lot of times, like when I was growing up, it was they were hating their kids.

And it was kind of funny.

Yeah.

And,

but now that I have a kid, I'm like,

I don't believe you hate your kid at all.

No.

You know what I mean?

Like,

yeah, it's, like, I think Bernie Mac loved those kids.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, and I never thought he hated them.

And I was like, oh, they annoy him.

But there's a beautiful love that he's going to take in these children that aren't even his.

It's an angle.

You know, you have to have like some angle on stage with something.

And the truth is, like, when we talk about our kids, usually either on a podcast or on stage, you are, the end goal is laughs, right?

So you're saying, and you're kind of sharing one note.

Yeah.

Because, like, does somebody really want?

me to be like, let me tell you how adorable it is.

No, not at all.

Not at all.

They don't want to hear it.

And also, it's like, what is it?

Like the old Borschpell comedy where, you know, take my wife, please.

It's it's like that is the momentary feeling.

Like, your kids will do something that for like two seconds, you will have this like crazy reaction to, and that's usually the funniest thing.

Yeah, that's when I try to tell people that, like, maybe don't understand comedy that much.

It's like that, our opinions are not like how we feel all the time.

Yeah, it is the knee-jerk emotional reaction that we know is crazy, yeah, but it's funny for that reason.

Well, that's the thing is that we clock that thing where we go, oh,

sharing this is funny.

This is a funny thing to share.

the rest of it you you you get just more savvy at being like don't share the fat and like nobody wants to hear how sweet something was yeah yeah on stage yeah i mean last dude yesterday i was with my old my older sister is not but i do like hearing that from people i like yeah it's fun to talk about with like somebody but like Our nine-year-old, I was like, you're doing his homework with him.

And I was like, he was fucking around.

I was like, dude, you got to focus.

And he's like,

and he's like, just fucking off.

And I was like, come on, man.

You know what?

We're just not going to.

He's like, I think somebody just needs a big hug.

And he gave me a big hug.

And I was like, I love that.

Okay.

He's like, better?

I go, yeah, just fucking parenting you.

Yeah, you asked me.

But there's also, too, something about the suffering

of having a child.

The suffering, like for the woman, it's the pregnancy.

It's the physical suffering.

Your body literally splits in half.

You know, your pelvis opens and this thing comes out of you and you're changed forever.

And there's life before children and life after.

And you can't can't go back to the life you had before.

You have to become a totally different human being.

And there's something in that selflessness, that suffering, especially at your level of the first few years where it's so, they're so needy.

They're so, everything is about mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy and just keeping them alive.

It's so much mommy.

It's more mommy.

And I get to come in and have fun with her.

Yeah.

You know, it's great.

But for girls, you're so important too.

You're going to set her up for her marriage.

And I think the most important decision you can make is who you marry.

Yeah.

This is it.

If you marry the wrong man, woman, your fuck, your life is fucked.

Yeah.

This is 90% of your life is who you marry.

Did you ever want to, did you ever want to stop doing stand-up when you had kids?

Oh, yeah, because I loved them so much.

And I felt so guilty leaving them.

Interesting.

I want to stop doing it now because I love my kids so much.

And I am.

I'm taking down a couple years.

I'm going to fucking be with my kids.

They need me.

Yeah.

There is like a weird.

So my wife was,

she was like a very successful woman.

You know, she

got her MBA.

She's working for Apple.

She's managing AI projects.

And

she had a lot of trouble grappling with the fact that she didn't want to do that.

Yeah.

And she just wanted to be a mom.

Yeah.

Even the sentence, just want to be a mom.

And there's this like weird thing that I've noticed that

it's like

people would ask her that she bumped it that she worked with.

They would, they'd go, so where are you working now?

And it was like the hardest thing in the world for her to be like, oh, I'm not.

I'm just a mom.

And I wonder if places like Texas, it's maybe not as,

I don't want to say like criticized, but maybe like potentially like looked down upon.

It's more celebrated.

It's more normal to be a stay-at-home mom here.

But that is a weird thing.

And maybe that's like what you sacrifice when the pendulum kind of swings.

Like obviously, you know, my mom, my dad like worked for my mom.

Like, you know, women work, women do all these things.

You can do whatever you want.

But when the pendulum swings in a certain direction where it's like, hey, women, you got to get out there and you got to do this.

And then it almost leaves behind this idea that like taking care of your kids isn't getting out there and doing it.

Yeah, I wonder how we get, how do we like create societal value in that again?

Well, the thing is, is that women got into men's spaces, right?

We're going to go and work.

We're going to be in your space, but men don't want to be in our space.

Yo, I was having a conversation.

I was having a conversation with some girls that work for me about this.

That, you know, there's like this trad wife trend that's coming back.

Have you heard about this?

Yeah.

So like a traditional trad, was it trad cath or some shit like that?

Traditional Catholic wife or whatever it is.

So I guess a lot of women now just going like, yo, I'm good just being like the housewife.

This is, this is great.

And I was like, where is that kind of coming from?

And they're like, they had an interesting thing.

They're like, we thought when we worked, right,

that you guys would also take on some of the things that we used to do.

So for example, you used to work.

We used to take care of the house.

Now we work.

Yep.

And you work, but you also take care of the house.

And we're like,

where the fuck did you get that?

Yeah.

Like,

it's just not happening.

Yeah.

So, so now you got to work and take care of the house, dummies.

Too much.

You don't have to do that.

Too much.

And here's the problem.

We don't care if the house is dirty.

Like, right?

Like,

so, so,

and it is just like a meeting.

We're not meeting expectations.

So you'll think when you clean the house, you're cleaning it for me, but I don't need it clean.

No.

But you resent me

for not helping you do the things you want to do.

You do the girl things, the girl shit in the house.

But you guys don't want to do it.

Nobody said in the man's world, I want to be in a woman's world.

The women said, I want to be in the man's world.

Okay, great.

You want to join us?

Great.

We did that.

But the problem with feminism in the women's movement, it didn't account for becoming a mother.

There was Gloria Steinem, God bless her.

I love, I don't hate these people.

I'm just saying there was, Gloria never had babies.

So how the fuck do we do what the men are doing and be a good mother?

Yeah.

It's all, it's so hard to do both at the same time.

It's almost impossible.

Well, it's like, it's almost like those traditional gender roles exist for a reason.

You mean like thousands of years of

naturally happened this way.

And just because the modern world took its turn and evolved to what it is, it really doesn't negate what thousands of years kind of dictated.

And then you find that like a lot of women,

the problem isn't the choice to be like, I want to be, it's the you know it's the looking down on it that's that's

the criticism the pretentiousness yeah and i feel like that's kind of and it is probably stronger in a city like new york where they're like oh you can't well you can't do both like it's like but i also i also feel like there's a little bit of uh self-hatred there yeah it's like i think some some women are kind of envious of the fact that these other women have children and families and this other purpose and this thing to live for.

And they've dedicated their entire life to, you know, working at this job that they might not even fucking like.

Right.

But they got that VP title.

Yeah.

But now they're 45 with the VP title, and all their friends have these beautiful families.

They can't go out to dinner every Tuesday.

Right.

They're busy.

And it's,

yeah, maybe they feel kind of like lied to or manipulated.

They are.

Because what's the so the way I see it, too, like, look, some women have to work as well as the husband.

This is just a fact of reality.

Yeah.

Most.

Yes, I totally, and I'm blessed that my husband makes enough money that I can just be a mom.

Yeah.

And I'm so,

it's such a fucking honor.

But I think the point is, is that it's not bringing in revenue.

It's, it's not what the male value is, right?

Because you guys have to generate revenue to be considered a valid part of society.

Yeah.

So women bought into this shit, too.

Well, if I'm not bringing in dollars, if I'm not making bread, I'm useless too.

It's

like if you don't go make bread, that's what I got nothing wrong with that.

Like, for real, like, you know, my mom, my mom killed it.

So,

and she, and my dad was more the caregiver, to be honest with you.

Really?

Yeah, wait a minute.

Tell me about this.

Yeah, he was just, he was just like, it's more in his nature.

Like, I was with my dad, I think, for the first, like, six months of my life.

My dad took off work and my, because my mom would teach dance lessons.

That was their business.

And my dad was working for NBC.

He was like doing like a news segments.

He would produce the news.

And then, so he was able to take like a paternity leave, unpaid at the time, but you could take time off without being fired.

So I was just with him for like the first three months of my life.

And I think that he's awesome.

Like he's the greatest ever.

He's like my hero.

But I do think that there was something that happened there in that Bonnie experience.

Like,

he's just, yeah, he's just, he's just a man.

Is he a softer, is he more emotionally attuned than your mother?

Yeah, no, my mom, like, you could talk to my mom about anything, but it's just, he's just, his dad was horrible.

And it's almost like he just made a decision.

Yes.

If I have kids, I'm not going to be that.

That's right.

And he was at every single, like right now he has dementia.

I could call him.

I could be like, hey, you want to come to the show tonight?

And I'll be like, yeah, sure.

Like, where is it?

And then he'll forget.

And I'll call him back.

I'm like, you want to come to the show?

And every single time, it would be the same answer.

Really?

Yeah, he would come to every single show that I could ever.

He introduces me in the special, actually.

Oh, he does?

Yeah, yeah.

I love the

that MSG thing you did with him.

Oh, yeah.

I was, he, I had to tell him we were at MSG like 20 different times while we were there.

Yeah, yeah, but it's funny.

Like, my, he, he offered to get my wife pregnant.

Like,

I go there.

I go to see him every week.

And I, you know, I was was like, yeah, we're, you know, kind of struggling to get pregnant.

And his joke would be like, eh, if you need some help, I can, you know, I could take care of it.

And I'd be like, nah, dad.

And then next week, yeah, we're still kind of struggling.

If you need some help.

I mean, he delivered this same joke for like three months straight.

Still funny, though.

Oh, every single time.

So how did you resolve your sperm issue?

Well, we did IVF.

So basically what they can do is they call it cleaning the sperm.

They washed.

So they washed it, yeah.

And then they found a couple good ones.

And I think we even did this thing called like Ixie or something like that, where they

I mean,

I did the least amount of work to get my wife pregnant.

Like, I think they actually took an individual sperm and they put it at the door.

They did like a door knock and dash or whatever that thing is, and they put it right on the egg.

Wow.

And then you're just like, come on, do the rest.

And then.

Did you get, did you watch porn?

To jerk off?

Yeah.

They took me to a room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's that's what I did.

it was an old filipino nurse yeah yeah and she was like uh here remote here they

you watch your movies yeah and then my joked her i was like do you stay in the room

yeah

no yeah i have a i have a this is a large part about the oh

yeah if you find it by the way so i have to pee i have a u ti yeah okay what's it she's gonna go pee oh you have a u ti okay go go go

yeah so one of the things about like a themed special,

I find it really like impressive and challenging because, you know, a lot of times you're up there and, you know, we have our bits about a topic and the shit's over.

Yeah.

Like it's over.

Yeah.

And then I've seen usually like UK comics.

Yeah.

Cause they'll do the festival circuit so big.

So they'll do here's like, you know, here's a theme.

Yeah.

My dad.

Yeah.

And it's just a fucking hour.

Yeah.

And I'm always like, well, you know, that's, it feels like a big hurdle.

I remember Ari did that one Jew, which is really,

really good.

And it was a theme that I was like, that's really, like, did you,

did you set out to make it an hour?

I didn't know that that's what it was going to be.

And then I was going through it and it was the only thing on my mind.

Like, I couldn't write a joke about like some, like, the trans swimmer or something.

Like, all these topical things would happen, which is usually really fun.

Like, even if it's not going to go in a longer piece, it's like, oh, my brain will kind of chew on it, and I'll find an angle.

And I just couldn't give a fuck about any of it.

And then

I started talking about this.

And I'd never been personal in my comedy.

Like I never thought my life was interesting enough to be personal.

I always thought like my opinions on shit was more interesting.

And

I just started talking about it.

And it was like, oh, this is like really cathartic.

It's really fun.

And then I found out about it was my problem with the sperm.

And then I felt a little bit more comfortable doing the sharing.

Yeah.

When it comes to the-Cause it's not like she's the fucking,

it's like it's it's in which is also like it's vulnerable, but it's also it's more permission to laugh from them because

you think about her.

I remember even earlier doing it, talking about how difficult it was to get pregnant before I knew.

I could feel the women in the audience being concerned for her.

Because every one of them, especially in New York, they don't have kids until they're way older.

They're like, oh, fuck, is that going to be me?

Yeah.

And the second I tell them it's me, the way these women laugh,

like.

Yeah.

They're happy almost.

Well, I always find, too, like, I don't even feel like it's conscious necessarily.

Yeah.

That as I'm always putting together new hours, that first bit

where it's like, hey, I'm the dummy.

Yeah.

It's like the room just leans in and they go, oh, great.

Like, you know,

I was talking to Ari Matty.

You know, Ari Matty last night.

He had an interesting observation about American stand-up where it's,

it is, and how it's different from like European stand-up.

where there is much less pretentiousness.

He goes, like, European stand-up, and I don't know if this is entirely true, but, and I wouldn't say all of it, right?

Right.

Like, my mom was born and raised in Scotland, so I watched like a lot of Scottish stand-up and listen to it growing up.

And I would say there were definitely parallels, but he goes, it comes from this theater culture where, like, the person on stage is the smartest person.

Yes.

And you are all dumber, and you will listen to these smart thoughts that I have.

Yeah.

And American stand-up is,

nah, I'm dumb.

Yeah.

I'm dumb too, or I'm going through it, or i'm having this like emotional turmoil and i'm in here with you like we're starting in these comedy clubs where we are you're at a chair right next to me and you're probably going through this thing like me and i never really thought about like that but there is something connective and i think that's why it's so synonymous with like american art forms like when people think about stand-up you it's the american thing i don't care around the world it's our thing and i think it is our relation to the audience in that way we're not speaking above them right we're almost beneath them at times we're like inviting you to laugh laugh at the most brutal thing that we might have gone through.

Yeah, the more that like you're humiliated in something, the more the audience leans in.

I was like, I like this guy.

I like this fucking guy.

Yeah, it's there.

Yes, it's like even like the, when they roast the president, the correspondence dinner, like, I think it's an awesome American tradition to like humble the most powerful person on the planet.

That's true.

It makes me really patriotic.

Yeah.

Like, we got a sense of humor about ourselves.

You're the most powerful person in the land, and you're going to sit down here and take these jokes

from someone who's got 30 minutes on Hulu.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

And we all get to laugh at you.

It's so good.

It's true.

It's amazing.

And then you think about with stand-up, like the more flaws you have, the funnier, like, especially like, you know, physical flaws.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Like, if you got the big nose, if you're fat, if you've got a gap, tooth, all that is like, people go, oh, I like this guy.

I like his flaws.

It's like, it's an invitation to be like, this is an imperfect person because stand-up, you can't be the sexiest, coolest person.

It doesn't work forever.

And especially as a woman, I feel like if you're playing like the hot girl card, there's a real expiration date on that.

I'd say you hit the wall at 40.

It can become shtick, too.

Like, I think it's really enticing when you first see it.

You know, and then if it's just the same thing over and over again, I think we kind of hear her.

We got it.

Yeah, we get it.

But I couldn't wait to get older, uglier, wrinklier, and fatter, and more authoritative.

Because now I haven't been on stage in a while, but that's a really

confident statement right there.

I was too hot when I was younger.

No, but just by virtue, just by virtue of being young and blonde, and I had great tits.

And, you know, just by virtue of being a 28-year-old blonde chicken.

And then

I don't even, you know, in the stand-up world, I was a hottie, but regular world hotty.

I went to her show one time.

She was in Florida somewhere.

and I go to the bathroom.

Oh, God.

And the guy's at the urinal, and then he's like, he talks, he tells another guy, he's like, it's chick on stage.

And he's like, oh, yeah, how are it tits?

And he's like, yeah, it's pretty fucking good.

I was like, that's what they're dealing with: is they're like,

what are those tits like just by virtue of you being a woman?

It doesn't matter if you're a child.

I just want to point out, girls do this too.

So I had a

girl tell me that she was at the bathroom of one of my shows, and

the girls were talking about the size of my hands.

Now, I'm not saying this is like some braggadocious thing.

I don't think my hands are kind of, maybe I have like a little bit bigger hands, but like it, we're still just objectifying the fucking thing that the light is on, you know?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

They're like, what's that bulge like?

Definitely weren't saying that at all.

Yeah.

But yeah, anyway,

the only thirsty comments I ever get on Instagram are dudes.

Now you got to be getting shit now that you're skinny and like ripped.

It's dudes, though.

Like dudes are the ones that maybe a woman thinks it, but a guy comments it.

The guy is like looking sexy.

You're dating right now.

Now this is good.

Now the girls are going to be in your DMs.

Oh, fuck.

It's true.

True.

But anyway, doing the theme thing, I think what's interesting is that

telling a story, you're really good at this.

I watched your stand-up

because you're like a natural storyteller.

But like, it's, there's like a real skill to telling stories that people, I think, don't realize.

I think so, for sure.

Especially you realize it.

First, you watch it.

Because I remember being like, my favorite thing was when I would watch Chappelle just tell a story, like be like, this is what happened today.

And I was like, oh, I want to do that.

He's incredible at commanding attention.

It's so good.

And then I realized as a young comic, I was like, oh, I don't have the skill set yet.

In other words, it was something that I was trying to evolve into.

Because I was good at doing it this way, like telling friends what happened over the weekend.

And they were like, that was like such a good, but I couldn't do it on stage, but I always wanted to do it on stage.

And then you realize that, like, the way to do it, at least the way I do it, is you go up there and you tell a too long a story.

Interesting.

And then, you know, and then you, there's funny moments in it, and then you go, okay, all this information is not needed.

Oh, and then, or you're saying you keep it fat and then you whittle it down, and then you whittle it down.

Yeah.

Yeah, I, I, um,

i was like what the what what makes a story so compelling like i'm trying to understand because if somebody walks in a room right now and goes hey guys i got this this crazy story like we'll give you 15 seconds yeah yeah anybody it's and then i i was even doing like some research on it apparently it's like our oldest form of digesting information like we remember stories in a way that we don't remember just like facts or just random information but stories kind of get like locked in our brains right it's the reason why like the bible is all stories it's not like hey here are the rules it's like well let me show you the rules and then maybe you'll figure out this story.

And

so I started reading all these books about like storytelling and like understanding like three arc structure and all this kind of shit.

And I was like, okay, maybe I can turn this into a story.

And then I was like, I don't want anybody coming to the show to know that it's a story.

Got it.

Because I feel like sometimes with the one-man show stuff,

you're basically asking the audience to lower their bar for humor

because there is a compelling, thoughtful journey they're about to go on.

And I didn't want that.

Like, I want you to come expecting the hard-hitting stand-up and see if I can get you to, like, I can almost like trick you into this story.

So in the beginning, you don't even know it's a story.

You just think I'm kind of like riffing.

I'll say some stuff.

Oh, yeah.

I even tell them about having the baby like up front.

So like I take this idea of us not being able to have one out of it.

Yeah.

And then there's some things that happen, whatever.

But but yeah, it was cool to like take that on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a really cool.

And you can see the energy is different.

Like there are moments where I'm just doing jokes and there's moments where I'm like telling you a story and you really want to know what's going on.

And

maybe it's unbiased, but I'm there watching it back and I can feel the audience like, okay, I'd really like to know where this is going.

Yeah.

Opposed to a joke where they're like,

where's the trick coming?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

That's interesting.

The other thing that like sounds like you did it in this, I learned learned over the time telling stories on stage is that the work isn't so much in, like, you've

part of it is like you're either kind of good at telling stories or you're not.

It's why are you telling the story?

And if you, if, like, like, in other words, what's your way in?

And the way in is how, is whether the audio, the story has stakes.

Can you give me an example of that?

Well, it's like

you just being like telling a story about

having putting sperm in a cup yeah it's kind of funny yeah on its own yeah right yeah

but if the lead up to that is that i've been trying to have a base

this didn't work

now this story has way more stakes and is funnier yeah right and so a lot of times like i'll see guys tell like a pretty funny story yeah i'm like yeah that you don't really need to work on that story you just had to set up the state you need to set it up better yeah it's really

yeah i almost feel like the art of storytelling is not appreciated enough because it comes across so naturally.

Like,

you're at a bar and there's some fucking Irish guy, red face, that's just the funniest storyteller.

And it's so organic to my brother is like this amazing storyteller.

It's just, he tells the craziest things and he knows how to organize it so naturally.

So when I think we see it on stage, we don't understand that that type of like thought and attention to the detail goes into it.

It goes into it, yeah.

Like we're creating a vessel for your interest.

Yeah.

Now you're interested, and now we have to maintain that interest and

up the stakes kind of every single time.

Yeah.

If everything's kind of working out, you're bored.

Yeah.

You know, what's an episode of curb?

Destruction.

Yeah.

Every moment is this car crash.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The why is like the work, I think.

So, so you'll have a fun story.

Let's say you have a fun story between you guys or with your kid.

How much are you putting into the why?

I mean, sometimes, like, I would say, like, you're backing the why into it.

Yeah, so, like, even like when I'm on tour right now, I'm closing with a story, and it's a funny story on its own, but I kind of worked out

this reason for telling.

Can you give me like a past joke?

Because I don't want you to give away something that you're doing.

Of a past,

oh, the keys and the toilet.

Well, that kind of falls into because, like, kids' stories, you kind of can

introduce the idea of like, here are, here are, you know, my kids are like, and you start telling the story.

So those you don't have to like give the stakes to necessarily.

I'm trying to think of like the,

wasn't it, there was the story about that fight that I witnessed in Philadelphia.

Okay.

I saw this this fight in a park

in Philly.

I'm trying to remember.

Now I'm trying to remember.

People jumped in, remembering?

Yeah, it was all, well, I had,

yeah, so I had

a thing about how there's no such thing as white loyalty.

Okay.

Right.

And so the jokes about that set up the story.

In other words, I said that like

a black guy who sees

another black guy getting beat up.

Yeah, he'll be like, I don't know who this is.

Yeah, yeah.

But he's my brother.

And if a white guy sees a white guy getting beat up, he's like, I don't know that fucking guy.

I'm like, I don't give a shit about that guy.

That's good.

And so, those jokes set up the story, which is: I witnessed a racial fight.

Oh, wow.

In this park in Philadelphia, literally going on a walk.

Yeah.

Where all I caught was this white guy walking away and yelling across the park the end bomb.

Yeah.

And I was like,

and then I was like, this was like, immediately I was like, well, I don't know what's happening here, but I'm watching this shit.

And then the, the, I was like, I saw a black guy, I don't know if he lived in the bushes, but he popped out of the bushes.

And he came out and like, these guys were pummeling this guy.

And then I yelled something, and then they looked at me, and I was like, no, no, no.

I'm not with him.

I'm saying you guys get.

But that's also not a good example of what I'm saying.

I can't even think of one, actually.

Let me think for a second.

You guys talk and I'll pull up.

Yeah, I'm really curious about this.

Yeah.

Because,

again, it's like one of those things where it's so natural that I think we don't realize the amount of skill that goes into it.

For sure.

And also, my shrink and I were talking about storytelling and why it's so useful.

It's because you can't,

for instance, if I were to tell my child, be brave.

Okay.

But if you tell someone the story and it's unconsciously, you're connecting to elements.

Because when someone holds up just a mirror to you, you're not going to see yourself unless you go like, oh, that's cool.

I like that character who did this and that.

And it's so unconsciously.

They say more is caught than taught.

Have you heard that?

Oh, tell me.

And this is not like stories, but it's just like you know our kids just learn so much from observing us oh my god yeah right and we tell them what to do all the time but I don't even remember anything really that I think my dad told me to apologize he's like he said something about the importance of apologizing and

my wife might disagree with this but I think I'm I can apologize when I do things wrong you know

yeah so but outside of that I just observed him doing shit yeah and that was the litmus test for behavior now is your dad American Yeah.

Is he Jewish?

No.

Oh, what's Schultz?

Most people think I'm Jewish.

Yeah, they do.

Yeah, I'm not Jewish.

Yeah.

Where's the Schultz?

So I can vouch for the Jews right now that they've been going through it.

Because I get all that shit.

And I can't write back to the comments when someone's calling me like fucking Zionist scum.

I can't be, but I'm not even Jewish.

So I just sit there, I take it.

Well, it's interesting you're talking about stand-up because aren't Jews the like the origin story of stand-up comedy?

Doesn't it come from?

I thought of one.

Come from Jews?

No, the, uh, you know, you said the word, fuck, the cat skills.

Oh, yeah, the Borsch belt.

The Borsch Belt.

Yeah.

I don't know if Jews started it, but, uh, but they're definitely, you know, prevalent.

Right?

Yeah.

I want to say it starts with Jewish.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure the Jews believe that.

Yeah.

I have a good example.

I have a good example.

So I remember

I had this story that a woman had told me about the time

she ended up

basically blowing a lot of guys in the Wu-Tang clan, right?

And so I had this.

Hold on.

Okay, is this how you set it up?

No, no, no.

I'm telling, I'm giving you the

breakdown.

Okay, breakdown.

But you'll let me know when you get to set up.

So I have this story that is funny in and of itself.

But it's like...

What is the way into this story to make it like more than just like, hey, a girl blew a bunch of guys in this group.

And so the work for me was like, okay, figuring it out the way in.

The way in was that

that was

leading up to it, I talked about how my mom was a dream crusher, how she would always, if I was like, I want to do this, she's a dream crusher.

So that was, I would tell that before I'd have jokes about how I used to be like, I want to do stand-up.

She's like, you should get a job at the post office.

And like, they have benefits.

And I'm like, I don't work at the post office and i would talk about all how she's like such a dream crusher yeah this would then

end up with me saying

the thing about going for your dreams is that it doesn't matter if you achieve your dream it matters that you go for your dream and that that dream will fulfill you even if you don't reach your ultimate goal.

That would take me into the story about the girl blowing the nine guys.

So it was like

that gave that story the meaning of like, this is a woman going for her dreams.

Now she ended up crying and she was very sad about blowing those nine guys.

Yeah.

But the story was pretty funny.

Yes.

And the weigh in was what made it a much stronger story.

100%.

Yeah.

Now you're not just telling this sex story.

Exactly.

Yeah.

You've positioned her as a dreamer.

Yeah.

Of like,

she's always the one at this point.

She's a winner.

So I think that like whenever we do that for those types of bits, like story bits,

you give your story much more power.

Yeah.

I actually think that like jokes put into story, like there's been jokes that I have that they're just an idea, right?

And I don't care what it is, like plastic straws or something like that.

That plastic straw idea can fit within a story.

Yes.

100%.

And the way that people attach themselves to it is much deeper when that happens.

Like, I find the guys who are just like doing the one-line stuff, it's fine, but I don't know how attached I ever get to them.

But like the storytellers, and I imagine you guys probably have this with your audience, is like, they feel like they really know you.

A thousand percent.

Yes.

And that deeper connection.

And if you could tell that plastic straw joke in one of those great stories,

then you get, it's double value.

You get like, that's such a great joke.

And now it actually enhanced your story.

Yeah, there's that, what was the thing about like the turtles?

I think somebody was saying that.

Oh, God, I'm going to fucking up.

But like this idea that you know we got to save the turtles or whatever and it's just like

yeah it's like how fast does a turtle have to swim into a straw yeah for it to get lodged you know so it's like there's the idea but that could also be you on the beach yeah you know what i mean and you're in this beautiful you're creating the setting you have your funny you have your out yes and now everything before that is just building to that moment

yeah

Yeah, the stories, I love watching stories.

I mean, that's why I think I got into it.

Yeah.

who would you like?

Who'd you I mean look the first guy that I ever saw do stand up where I was like what is this was Cosby Wow, and it was that special Bill Cosby himself.

Yeah, which is like him on a stool and it is just long like there's like a 17 minute story about going to dentist.

Yeah, and you're like this is great and you don't realize that you're watching a super polished comedian.

Yeah, you just think that like which is what you want.

That's the calming effect of the story.

Yeah.

We're all sitting by the campfire.

We're relaxing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're like, this guy's just so funny, yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to think of other

stories that I just like really lock in and remember.

There's that burr one with the helicopter, oh, yeah, yeah, I remember dying, and I remember like specific punchlines.

I know, you just kind of, but you

like refer to it as like, yeah, it's isn't that weird?

Yes, it just gets baked in, yeah, in a different way.

And I thought about this when I was doing this this tour because I knew we were going to do these these uh these bigger venues.

I was concerned about doing the arenas with just jokes because I was like, an hour of just jokes.

I don't know if that's going to hold their attention.

I was like, what can, what is going to hold their attention?

And when they're on the train, the moving train of a story, now there's an investment in what's happening in the end of this.

Aren't you kind of mesmerized sometimes that you're, you're like, there's fucking 15,000 people and

you're telling this part and you can hear like nothing in there.

And then you can.

That's how you know they're really locked in.

They're really locked in.

And then you get to your punchline, you hear the huge, you're like, wow.

Yeah.

Like, I think you could do, if you're doing one, you know,

I don't want to seem like I'm knocking one-liners.

Maybe the next thing I'll do is fucking one-liners.

But, like, I wonder if there's an amount of time where you're like, okay, I can watch 30 of this, and this is awesome, and it's amazing.

Yeah.

I don't know if I could do an hour and a half.

I don't know.

Maybe you can't.

Maybe somebody's like really good.

You lock it in.

But I think the guys who are telling these longer form stories,

I think, yeah, I think you can just hold that attention in a more enjoyable way for a longer period of time, especially when you get to those big venues.

And you kind of,

the thing that we try to do is like, you know, when you tell your stories, you have them locked in.

And then if you end one, you can then go

set up, punch, set up, punch, joke, joke, joke.

And then before your next.

So it's not just also one note of stories.

Yeah.

You know what I've noticed over over the years too?

Because I hang out with dudes a lot is that you guys love to just sit around and tell stories.

That is how men communicate primarily.

And then women are more.

Stories we've already told each other.

Oh my God.

You guys jerk off with storytelling.

I

love being with my friends.

Yeah.

And sitting down and telling, remember when Jamil did?

And just all of us die laughing.

And the story just gets mutated.

And it's not even close to what it was 20 years ago.

It happens.

Oh, yeah, it starts to evolve.

Also, the best thing is, like, we're hanging out, and like, you know,

you're here, and Kirk's here.

I'm like, Kirk, tell him that story.

Story.

Yeah, it's a story, buddy.

And then I want to watch you laugh to the story.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I like, you forgot the, like, I know the story better.

But women all communicate emotionally.

Like, what did you do?

How are your kids?

How's the husband?

What's happening with you personally?

I told somebody that you made me laugh so hard.

With, she's always like, when I get back, she'll be like,

you know, how's how's Andrew I'm like good and she'll be like like how's his wife and I'll go

I don't know

she's like you didn't ask him and I'm like well I mean it just didn't I mean we were doing our

come up yeah yeah and she's like you didn't say like what we talk about I'm like I mean he's I think she's good he got a new putter yeah what

because I know everything about my friends lives and yeah debate yeah I wonder why that's not as you guys don't give a shit about each other here's something I'm curious hears thoughts on I was talking to girls that work for me and like the just like the dating scene in New York.

And

because I've heard these topics come up a lot in podcasts, but even just conversation from women, like red flags and icks.

Have you ever heard of that?

And I've never subscribed to this as a real thing.

Yeah.

But

what they said something kind of interesting.

They were like

the pressure for a woman to be with somebody.

So like the pain of being without anybody is worse than the pain of being with someone they don't like.

Oh, wow.

So a lot of these girls are dating guys that they don't like because that's better

than being alone.

Okay.

And there's like societal shit, you know, your parents going, hey, you got to get married.

Like, you know, you got to be with somebody.

Don't be alone.

So they're dating these guys that they actually don't like.

And when you don't like someone and you're with them, everything about them is the ick, right?

Everything about them is the red flag.

Like, I'm sure you guys love each other.

So, like, the shit that he does is absolutely disgusting, it rolls right off your back because you actually love him.

And that, to me, like any good relationship I've had, that's kind of what I've experienced.

It's like the horrible things.

Like, ah, whatever, it's him.

I don't care.

And then you see this all over the internet.

These girls are like, I don't like a guy when he's in the rain, he brings up his shoulders.

It's like, no, you just don't like that guy.

I hate him.

That's exactly right.

But you feel so much social pressure to be with somebody because it's stigmatized to be alone that now you're with these guys you don't even like and then you're making up these justifications for why you don't like them.

No, no, you don't like them.

You don't.

You don't like him.

But there are objective male icks for me personally.

Yeah.

In Austin, it's very common for men to have buns.

Go fuck your mother if you're wearing a bun.

But yeah, because he's the opposite of a bun, right?

It's like, yes, basically.

You just love him.

Yeah, I do love him.

Yeah, you have a type.

It's Tom.

He's a stinky type.

But I imagine if he had beautiful, long, luscious hair and it was

not not to.

I can if I want to.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

We could take a Turkish hair lunch.

Sure.

They've offered.

They've reached out.

Have they really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love that.

And you said no.

Yeah, I was like, you know, the thing is, I've been ball, like the shaved head for a while.

I don't have a weird-shaped head.

So it's like, I don't, I'm not like.

Oh, you got good shape.

Yeah.

So then you just go.

And you can grow a beard.

If you can't do the beard, I think that...

You kind of got to go plugs.

Yeah,

you kind of have to plug it.

You got to.

Because it looks weird.

Do the plugs look good enough now these days they're pretty fun But it's also like it's it's not like do they look good?

It's does it look better than you bald

and I think that's the thing that we never compare

distinction you know like when you see someone with fucked up plastic surgery yes, it's like

Yeah, they might look weird, let's see, but do they look better than they were with nothing I also feel like My theory on anything cosmetic,

if it bothers you enough, it's not about what you say, it's what you do.

In other words, if my teeth were fucked up, I promise you you would see veneers because it would bother me to have

I know that about myself.

If this bothered me enough, you would do it.

I could change it.

Yeah.

So it actually doesn't bother me enough.

Right.

See, here's what I'm noticing about these pictures Josh brought up.

It's not the baldness that's the problem, it's the thinningness.

So you must commit to either having a head full of fake hair or balding, but it's the in-between.

See, when I got to that level,

the thin, that's when I, I didn't go like, I'll just wait.

It was, once it was thin, I was like, it looks weird.

Then you took it off.

I just took it off.

Yeah.

It still grows.

Like, if I grow, I grow fully around the back and up to here.

It's, this goes out.

I'm like, I'm not doing that.

I'm not rocking the fucking empty

foreground.

No.

Yeah, because that's what looks bad is the thinning.

Essentially, you need to basically fill that in and then you need to get on the hair pills.

Like, I've been taking hair pills since I'm like 20 or something.

Really?

It looks great.

It looks great.

I noticed it starting to go when I was like 20-something, and I was like, I think I'm too young

for this to happen.

And then I've just stayed on it since.

Wow.

Yeah.

Like the propecia stuff?

Yeah.

So it was finasteride is the one.

That's

called.

Wow.

And I think what it did is just kept it there.

Maybe even grew a little back.

Like, I had like, I think that I have like pictures of like having like bald spot.

Really?

Not bald spot, but like

a little bit of thinning.

But you're hyper-aware too.

Like when you're a dude and you first think you're losing it, like, you know, the there's a beautiful clip because you, I tell you this because you're so like uh into online stuff, and I can't believe we haven't even talked about Temptation Island Spain.

But uh, but I because I know you speak Spanish, and you've been have you been watching?

I have no idea about this.

I, I, I can't believe that I'm gonna break this.

I've got a lot to watch tonight.

I know, I cannot believe I'm gonna break this to you.

Temptation Island Spain.

You don't know about Montoya?

No, nothing, nothing.

What

this is the most viral thing in the world, Really?

Hold on one second.

Hold on.

My husband's not getting it.

We're going to get it.

We're going to get it.

SSA.

Okay.

So the, what was it?

Oh, there was a beautiful moment where a guy, he's this like Argentine guy.

He's with, he's, he's in a car with his like girlfriend, and she's filming it.

And like, she's letting him know, she's letting him see his hair.

And it looks like for the first time, like, he's seen it, but he kind of like moves it.

And she takes like a picture of the top of it.

And he's never seen the top.

And then he looks at it and he's just like.

This is a couple in a car?

They're in a car.

This is like a

social media clip.

Yeah, it's just I've seen this clip.

Okay, I knew it.

I knew it.

I've seen this.

But the girl is so beautiful.

She's like, I'm more.

It's pure love.

Like, she's dying laughing.

He's looking himself and he's like, fuck, I'm screwed.

Like, in Spanish, he's like, holy shit, I'm balled.

I had no clue.

And she does not give a fuck.

Like, she just loves this guy.

It's a beautiful, beautiful moment.

Yeah, and she's like, no.

He's like, yeah, it's still good.

And she's like, no, honey, you're

no, it's all.

And he's like, what the fuck?

Yes, that's a great clip.

Okay, so there's this show called Temptation Island, Spain.

Okay, Temptation Island is this franchise.

I guess there are people who are couples.

They go to

some fucking resort or whatever, like that.

They split up the couple, and then they basically have other people come in and try to fuck their girlfriends and boyfriends.

Cool.

Yes.

And then you have to see if you can resist the temptation.

Got it.

And this was, I think, the first time in the history of the show where everybody cheated.

Everybody.

But the crazy thing.

We are Spanish.

Yeah.

Okay.

So this is Montoya.

This guy, viral sensation Montoya.

Okay.

I think it's Jose Carlos Montoya or something like that.

Like he's with this girl Anita.

And the first moment that goes viral is when he first sees, because they have these video cameras and they play for them what is happening when they cheat.

So you can watch what happens.

I puke all over myself.

Yeah.

So do you have any clips that you can play?

Is there like some greatest hits?

Let's see this.

How hot?

Would you love that?

Would you be J and your D watching me make out with another dude?

With another one.

You love it.

Spaniard.

Oh, my God.

Sure.

It's like, I wish that I should have just brought some shit here to you.

It's like getting it from the reaction videos is tough.

It's tough, yeah.

But just find, maybe you can find like TikToks or trailers.

Like trailer or something.

So he had a meltdown?

He watches his girl getting piped out and like literal sex.

And then he's running down the beach to go stop it.

And then the host is going, Montoya, no, but he's literally running down the beach full speed.

The cameraman's following him to go stop the guy who's banging his girl.

He knows that the girl's getting banged out because he's watching it live.

They're in the bed together.

No.

She goes on top of him.

Oh, my God.

And you see the thrusting, pumping motion.

We got to get into it.

They're adding the sound effects like that.

Yeah.

We got to watch this show.

Oh, no.

It's.

This is it right here.

This is maybe one of the moments.

He's had a button.

Yeah, here we go.

Do we have audio?

Yeah.

He's running on the beach.

Oh, that sucks.

And then just every single clip that comes from this thing is just.

And then you got to meet the people that are banging your girl.

Oh, my God.

So they bring them like face to face.

They start talking shit to each other.

I mean, the show is like a train wreck.

He looks like it.

Let's see it.

Let's see it.

No, dude.

Let's see

Alright, let's watch.

He's watching.

You've broken me, he's saying.

I love you all.

So, one day this week, I was just on X minding my own business.

Oh, that's where those full clips are.

I was just gonna X.

Okay.

We all understood that.

Did you notice this on these?

Is this guy with the British accent the video or that guy?

No, it's the video guy narrating.

Oh, here it is.

I just can see from his

dude, this show is frozen.

Look at it, look at it.

Dude, I'm gonna cry.

I don't know if I can watch this.

Look at it.

Oh, no.

And it's only sends it for YouTube.

I can't believe we don't have a clip, but

he's clapping it on TV.

Like, no.

That's his girl?

Yeah.

Wow, she's pretty pissed.

Oh, dude.

She just mocks him when they go meet each other later.

She, like, walks up.

Why is she so mad at him?

Because it's apparently like a girl was flirting with him, and then she got to watch that.

So she's like, I'll just fuck this guy.

And then the guy comes back and they start talking shit.

And he goes, dude, I took your girl in fucking three days.

The guy who bangs her out, right?

That guy right there, the guy who takes her, her name is Anita.

He's like, he's risen her up for like days, right?

He goes, Let's go to your room or something like that.

And then she goes, Yeah, you can sleep on the floor, whatever.

And he goes, All right, yeah, sure, I'll sleep on the floor.

And then he, something happens in the room, and then he goes, Okay, have a good night.

And she's like, Yeah, you're leaving.

He's like, Yeah, you have a good night.

And he walks out the room, and it's on, there's cameras everywhere.

He walks out the room.

This shit is swag.

He walks out the room, right?

Stands in front of the door and he goes,

no no

she opens the door brings him into the room it's unbelievable

it's one of the most amazing things you ever see in your life

because if she doesn't open that door yeah man is that rough yeah yeah but he is the whole world like you just count down your identity

all right i'm out of here yeah i guess i'll go home guess go back to my room now yeah

and this is just one couple there's 10 different couples that all go through the the exact same thing.

This is a global sensation right now.

It is the only thing on TikTok.

Okay.

How are you not TikTok?

But I'm on the dark side of TikTok.

I don't see regular people think.

Aaron the Plumber?

You know about Aaron the Plumber?

No.

Oh, do you watch the Zeus Network at all?

No.

Oh, my God.

You ever watch Tubi movies?

Yeah, I'm in one.

Are you?

Yeah, that movie I did with Peter Dinklich ended up on Tubi.

On Tubi, where I got that haircut.

That's the one.

Yeah, the Hiller Youth haircut.

Yeah,

that was.

That's great.

Thank you.

But yeah,

Aaron the Plumber.

Shout out to Aaron the Plumber.

This guy's fucking hysterical.

So there's like this dating show on the Zeus Network is this, I think you got to pay for it, but it is just like, it's as ratchet as it can be.

But this guy is a hilarious, he's hilarious.

And his whole thing was he's going to go on this thing.

And basically, I think the producers got in his ear and they're like, listen, if you fight a lot, you're going to get a lot of screen time.

He's like, all right, it's on.

Every scene he's fighting.

He's talking to this trans girl.

He doesn't know that she's trans.

And he's trying to like flirt with her.

And then he finds out that she's transacted.

I saw a clip of this guy.

I saw a clip of this guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Can you go to the fight and then his reaction to the fight?

Yeah.

So he fights with the trans girl.

Care about that girl right there.

This man did not even hesitate.

Second riddler, bro.

Clinger boxes.

And I thought, that was pretty fun.

Like, you want to do it again?

Like, you want to go again?

Come on, no, hey, hey, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shit.

This man is just a fighter, bro.

Like, you want to fight a trans girl?

Fuck.

Okay, it's because the reaction video

shut it up.

But basically, like fucking wailed up.

So he was flirting with her on the bus.

And like, he's like, oh, give me a kiss or something like that.

Because he thinks it's like a girl.

He's trying to make some, you know, he's on a dating show.

So he's like, let's have some fun.

He finds out later,

they bring him into this room where it's him and another dude.

And then...

And then the girl and the girl.

And now he's been notified that she's trans, right?

So now he's a different energy.

He sits down and he's trying to be polite, but he's so he's using like certain words.

He's like, he's like, yes, sir.

Hello, sir.

How are you?

How are you doing?

Whatever.

And then she's kind of like antagonizing him a little bit.

And,

bro, they start swinging.

And then he has this reaction that is, he goes, he goes, and her man voice comes out.

That's what it says here.

It says,

here it is.

There's no volume.

What's up?

What's up, sir?

Who are you talking to?

You gonna be yourself today?

You gonna be yourself?

Like, hey, man, you gotta die.

You're talking to me, man.

What's the hostility?

What you mean, the hostility?

You a man, right?

A trans.

Aaron, you keep calling me a man.

You had to bring the man out.

Now the man.

Did you care about that woman trying to kiss me?

Trying to kiss you.

He goes right to a 10.

My face looks good.

No,

Yeah.

There you go.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Be yourself, baby.

I didn't know you was a man.

I said it.

I said it.

I'm on the controller.

What the f you want to do?

What the bro you want to do?

Come on.

Oh, shit.

I can bring the man out now.

Listen to the man voice.

Man, I thought a horse got impaled with a spear or something.

Yeah, he's too funny.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

I thought a horse got impaled with a spear or something.

Shit.

Okay, so you need to get on.

You need to get on.

You got some things to watch.

Zeus?

Zeus.

And then the Temptation Island.

You gotta do it.

And

don't forget,

when you're thinking of things to watch, Andrew Schultz Life is streaming now on Netflix.

Real quick, before we go, there's one thing I have to bring up to you.

Yeah.

This is when I knew you were really locked in on the internet stuff.

I follow this guy who's like a tailor that's sexually harassing.

Oh, yeah, come on.

Yeah, who likes, and I don't know why I follow him.

I'm like, I don't know if this is a shtick or it's real.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

But I have a little Asian boy with the tightest ass or whatever.

I'm like, this is hilarious.

And I follow him.

And then I scroll and all of a sudden you were in the fucking video.

I must have sent that to like 20 people.

I couldn't believe it.

Maybe I even texted you.

I couldn't believe it.

Yeah.

How does that even yeah?

Rashawn, that's at Sam's Taylor in Hong Kong.

Hong Kong, yes.

So we had, we had

found him like, cause we play clips a lot.

Yeah.

We're like, the same thing.

We were like, this guy's hilarious because these are crazy clips.

He's insane.

And then

my tour started last year in Asia.

Yeah.

He hits me.

He's like, you're not coming to Hong Kong.

And I go, yeah.

He goes, so he reached out to you because you would have, you'd play.

Because we'd played his clips and everything.

We'd actually done a bit

like virtually you know i mean like over zoom with him one time we talked about something and he had sent measurements he made us they make i mean the last six u.s presidents got suits from them so oh yeah

and they have that's crazy his dad the dynamic joe biden is making his suit yeah yeah he's making fun

his dad is like a very proper yeah polite guy and he he kind of reminds me of like i like to upset my mom by doing shit So he's sitting there doing shit and he's like you know, he's like oh you got tight ass and his dad's his dad's like huh like what and then you know He's like I'll be like oh your wife's beautiful He's like she doesn't let me hit it anymore and then his dad's like

Like stop talking like that, you know, like he's being like he's almost like provoking his father a lot,

which is very funny.

So anyway, I tell him I'm I'm coming to Hong Kong.

He's like, you have to stop in.

Our hotel was like two blocks from this place.

I love it.

And we come in.

He gave me the full, he calls it the full treatment, like the service, the full service.

And yeah, he just makes, this is like his genuine personality.

He's a wild man.

But the flip side is like some of these guys online, we've met like a lot of crazy guys, and they do not have a skill set.

Like there's nothing of value.

He's an elite tiller.

This is an elite, like movie stars,

all the best soccer players in the world.

Like they've all gotten suits from these guys.

And then he's also this lunatic online.

So he's super entertaining, but top quality suits.

Okay, so it's a real thing.

It's a real thing.

Got it.

And then, wow,

I'm so surprised that his family isn't worried about the risk.

I think his dad doesn't get what's going on online.

Maybe there's always,

he doesn't realize what's going on.

And he's probably like, Dad, let me handle the social media.

Like, you don't know this shit.

His dad's fucking 75.

Got it.

Yeah.

And then it's just, yeah, he's sitting there just being,

you know,

himself.

Young people.

yeah uh pavarati's there like i mean yeah there's it's literally an endless list like

he had this room in the back there's george bush right there in the back the dad was like come see this and then he stopped everyone with me he's like not you guys him and they were like oh okay and he took me in the back and on in this frame he had the

the the tail the cloth selections of the U.S.

presidents.

Wow.

And they're framed in the back.

And he's like, yeah, I don't let he doesn't even let people see it.

So it's a specific cloth that he only gives them?

So that, so like, this is Clinton's, this was Obama, this was Bush, and like, I just have it here, and no one, and we don't give it to anybody else once they get, yeah.

So once that cloth is there, that material

they don't make for anybody else.

That's his, yeah.

Wow.

Very cool.

And like, oh, look, like, there's, I think, like, George Sr.

in the

shop, yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Pretty wild.

I mean, so funny that the kid is just like a.

He's so funny.

This

This is a...

Then we're out of here.

Last thing we'll say, but very fun talking to you guys, is I saw this thing, like the oldest hotel in the world was this hotel started in like 703

in like Japan.

And it stayed in the same family for 52 generations.

Wow.

Which at the beginning, you're like, wow, that's incredibly

impressive.

Like, look at how.

like resilient that family dynamic is that you would just bestow this business generation over generation and people continue to run it like it's the Vanderbilts can barely keep their money three generations.

Like how about 52?

But

one of the concerns I had about it with it is like within those 52 generations, there are a few guys that really want to be a stand-up comedian or they wanted to be a fucking samurai or they wanted to do whatever.

And they couldn't because of that cultural rigidity.

The nice thing is a lot of the people didn't have those dreams, but they had a lot of purpose that they had this thing that they could build.

This is another thing like, you know, women being moms.

It's kind of similar where it's like, there used to be some nobility and like being a cobbler, and your father was a cobbler, and you're a cobbler.

And like, if you didn't have this dream to go out and do something else, you really had this thing that you could be proud of.

And I think we've kind of moved away from that with like dreamer culture a little bit.

But it's cool to see this guy who clearly wants to be funny and famous and antagonize and joke around, maintaining the legacy of his father at the same time.

Also having some fun.

Yeah.

And yeah, this is maybe there's like an interesting balance there.

There is, yeah, yeah.

And then, you know,

you have every reason to believe that like he has kids, that they're going to carry it on.

Yes, yeah.

There's a lot of pride in that culture.

Well, I always feel like, dude, release day is a lot of fun.

Like, congratulations.

I think it feels fun, right?

It's exciting that it's out.

It's always like this.

Yeah.

It's conflicting.

Sometimes you're a little nervous about it.

You have anxiety, but it's also like a celebration.

So

are you staying in town tonight?

Are you going to?

I'm going to stay in town one more day.

Then then i get back uh you can take some time off yeah like i i think i'll do press i think i'll do press made for a couple more weeks yeah because i yeah because i think you gotta you really got to get after i think you can't just like sit on the algorithm and hope you got to make sure people know about it but uh but then i take time off like i i need to i wouldn't be able to think of this if i didn't take time off yeah i find if i just tour without taking time off, I end up doing like a different version of the same jokes I was doing.

Yeah.

Because I haven't let enough life change happen.

Yeah.

So I'm hoping that I take some time off and then a few months I start from scratch.

That's the moment.

And it's humbling as fuck.

It sure is.

Just to go up there and like people are the most excited because you just came from your special.

Yeah.

So they're like, dude, this guy's hilarious.

They bring all their friends.

They're like, you know how fucking funny this guy is.

And then you go up there and you're like, I'm not that man anymore.

I know, I know.

That, um, I already have tour ending anxiety coming up where I know because I know this tour is going to end and I have to start at square one again.

Will you take time off?

Yeah.

You've been touring for a long time with this tour.

This one was 23.

Or, excuse me, started in 24.

So, this is this.

I was like, wait, come together.

Yeah.

It's not I'm coming everywhere.

It's just a similar title.

Got it.

Okay, that's what I blended.

Yeah.

But yeah, aren't you going to take a few months to just be like, okay, what's be done?

Yeah.

End of this year is the end of this tour.

Wow.

Any plans for you guys?

Party?

Vacation?

Get ripped.

Get ripped.

Faded.

Yeah, definitely take a trip.

Yeah.

Polyamory.

Fucking go to Spain, meet those people.

You got to go onto Temptation Island.

Tommy, tomas, Oltro.

You're not running to the beach.

You're just jerking off to the video.

Give it to her.

Hate it.

Yeah.

She likes to ride you that way.

So that's what we're about.

I could not drop you off at the Latin house.

No way.

No problem.

You like the Latinos.

I love them.

Okay.

On that note, love.

Thanks, Andrew.

I appreciate you guys having me, man.

Congrats on everything, guys.

Thank you so much.

We'll see you guys next week.

Peace.

My mommy.

Hi, I'm Roxanne DePalma, and I want to know who out there is curious about eco set.

drop, rap.

One, two, three, four.

What the fuck is eco sex?

The wind in your hair.

Tree bark.

That's exciting in itself.

To really let your fingertips run across the tree bark and feel its eroticness.

Now you get a penis out.

Rop, rub, rap, rap, rap, rub, rap, rap, rap, rub, rap, rap, rap.

Now you get a penis out.

Rop, rub, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap.

Girl, get your life.

Girl, get your life.

What the fuck is eco sex?

Hey, I'm my girlfriend Summer.

What the fuck is Geto Set?

What the fuck?

That is so disgusting.

Diane Embarrass, why are you embarrassed?

Because this is disgusting.

Would you marry your grandson?

Diane Embarrass, why are you embarrassed?

Because this is disgusting.

What the fuck is eco sex?

Me and my girlfriend, Summer.

What the fuck is eco sex?

Would you marry your grandson?

Oh my god.

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