The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795

Battle Creek, Michigan.

I am coming to the Firekeepers Casino on Friday, May 9th.

Tickets go on pre-sale next week on Thursday, February 6th at 10 a.m.

Eastern with the code TOMMI, T-O-M-M-Y.

Later this week, Savannah, Georgia, and North Charleston, South Carolina.

Tickets and info is at tomsegura.com/slash tour.

Welcome,

welcome to your mom's house.

What's everybody?

It's time for another podcast.

We have a very exciting episode today.

Gene, how are you feeling?

I'm excited.

There's going to be a snowstorm tomorrow.

I'm taking huge dumps today.

You did?

I had like waves of caca come out, and I feel more ready.

Did you like it

when it's a surprise like that?

When you sit down to make brown and then you get a bonus brown.

Oh, it was just like,

yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, I feel like I took something to like make, you know, I didn't take it.

Are you eating that bran?

No, I took that.

I tried that.

The Sean had told me, oh, try this all brand, you know?

Oh, I've been.

And he measures it out, you know, like a lunatic.

He's like, take exactly 17 grams or whatever.

I'm like, whatever.

I made a small bowl of it.

And I was like, oh, my God.

Because I've been eating that.

I sprinkle it on my yogurt.

And boy, does that make me go?

It was an emergency.

Yeah.

But doesn't that make you feel lighter, huh?

Well, yeah, but I didn't do that.

So I just, I got home late last night and then

you know slept a little bit got up i don't even had i eaten yeah i ate a little i had a little bit i had berries and eggs oh eggs make you shit well this was i mean

i thought i was gonna have a little boom boom and it was so much yeah and you know what's interesting is that i normally i smell your brown it has a very pungent sour smell

no and i'm just i just i'm telling you i didn't even smell it today well i had the flushing and the rinsing going the whole time i was rinsing.

And what I love about the washlet, the built-in bidets of modern society, is you can wash as you shit, and then sometimes you keep shitting through the wash.

Well, hold on, what?

So

the spray will hit your asshole, and then your asshole goes, what's that?

And then you just keep shitting.

Well, hold on, because I've often used the spray to stimulate my analysis.

That's what I'm saying.

But then I'd stop the spray once the brown comes down.

No, I'll shit right through it.

What?

You're crazy.

Who does that?

Yeah.

Why would you do that?

Aren't you afraid you're going to cut it off or it'll spook it?

No.

No.

I think it's too much stimulation for me, and I cut it off.

It feels kinky.

I like it.

I like it.

This is like, man.

Anyway, I just feel like I could shoot at any moment again.

I really do.

Seriously.

Yeah.

Do you think you ate something questionable last night?

I mean, I traveled.

Who knows?

Yeah.

I ate

right before we left.

We ate.

I had salmon and rice, which is fine, but you never know.

You never know.

You never know.

It'll take a few days to adjust.

And then I'll leave again and then I'll shit crazy again.

I know.

I know.

It's weird.

I had a little irritation in my bowel too, where something triggered it and I was just making soft browns for days.

You know, when something like irritates your

intestines?

Yeah.

But it's kind of nice because then you're cleaning house.

Yeah.

And it's cool.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah.

You ready to start the show?

Yeah, of of course.

Let's do this real quick.

Here we go, everybody.

Oh, hey,

you go.

You don't think I want them nipples?

I want them nipples, too.

And your feet.

Yeah, I want your feet and them nipples.

Them nipples looking at me right now.

Come get me, Uncle Shine.

Come get me.

I thought you were going to play something.

I'm looking at you, boy.

I'm coming.

Okay.

Well, you gotta bring it to me.

Okay.

You gotta bring it to.

Yeah, you gotta bring me them nipples.

Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone mother to this.

Welcome to your mom's house

with Tom Segura.

Tom Sutsukura.

And Christina Pajitsi, Christina Pizzits.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Tom,

I have to say this

before we get along.

along.

Them nipples looking at me right now.

Go ahead.

I mean, I'd like to change the topic to something a little more dignified.

Why are you?

I don't understand why it's so funny to you.

What's so funny?

You gotta bring me them nipples.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay.

You're the worst.

Okay.

I was gonna say that I noticed over Christmas vacation a while ago

that I have a specific protocol as I'm Browning, meaning I can't read a book and Brown.

It's too distracting.

I can't look at just videos and Brown.

I have to be, I can't be texting and Browning.

I have to be playing Tetris.

And if I'm not.

Wow.

Isn't that crazy?

That's fascinating.

No, I'm serious.

And I can't be watching TikTok.

I have to play Tetris.

I've lost myself on the phone, on the can before, on my phone.

I know that.

You think I know that?

No, I've been here before.

Oh, why no?

I have no idea how much time has gone by.

We know that.

Especially, it's weird when we're alone with our kids.

You seem to disappear for like an hour.

Oh, stop.

Yeah, especially when they were young.

That was really weird.

Exaggerator.

Legs are gross exaggerator.

Anyway, buy my perfect four lipsticks, you guys.

I'm wearing the perfect red right now.

I suggest you just buy all four.

Why not?

They're the perfect colors.

I got Madison, Berlin, Perfect Red, and Atomic.

ChristinaP.com they're beautiful they're so beautiful they are they're very nice more coming I'm just so pumped I love doing these I mean you don't think I want them nipples god damn it I thought we were past it I tried to get us past it

hold on what do you what's your protocol your protocol

um

I just want a little bit of a loan I want a little just don't bother me sure um

I could do I mean as a kid I did magazines a lot so I like magazines but we don't have magazines in there anymore.

We used to.

No.

Yeah, your phone and just.

But what are you looking at?

Like, I found that even specific content I won't brown to.

That does, I don't think that happens to me because I'll read articles.

I have like all the,

like, I have New York Times, LA Times, Wall Street Journal.

Like, I'll read articles or.

It's funny because when I walk by the toilet, I don't hear silence.

I just read an article this morning.

I usually hear,

sometimes it's people in car accidents, and sometimes it's an article.

Most of the time it sounds like violence and I'm like, dude, he is loving that shit.

Yeah, sometimes I get lost in a loop of cool, cool stuff.

Violence.

Accidents.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't really want to watch violence.

I'd like to see like, you know, somebody snowboarding and their knee snapping or something.

You know what I mean?

Something like that.

That's what I hear through the door.

Yeah.

And also, and this is like, listen, I've just come to terms with it as part of our marriage.

Yeah.

But I've often wanted to talk to you through the doors you're browning, and you never let it happen.

I don't like being spoken to when I'm browning.

You don't, and I know that about you now.

No, next time you come to that door, you gotta bring me them nipples.

You know?

So, here's what I love about Unk, if you don't mind.

It's been a while.

What I love is that he's never changed.

I like somebody that's consistent.

And if I had introduced you to this man 10 years ago,

it would be the exact same video that it is today.

There is zero evolution.

Zero.

He's still putting out a consistent message.

I would wager that if you go to his Instagram page, there are a few hundred videos, maybe with this hat on, and every video is basically the same.

It's so crazy.

And usually, these artists, they do evolve.

Like RPC, he's taken on different identities.

Lucifer's Lair,

Professor Cum Dump, right?

Yep.

But you're right.

Unk never wavers.

Maybe he changes his hat.

Let's just pick one.

Go ahead and hit that one.

What is it?

The draws in the front.

I'm going to tear it up.

Yeah.

It's just like some crawfish.

They boot it too.

Oh, yeah, Mary.

I'm telling you.

Yeah, go to the next one.

Yeah, Mary.

It's one love, all right?

It's Mary.

One love.

He wants to eat them draws.

He always says, Yeah, Mary, it's one love, all right?

Okay.

Them girl that works with you.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, Mary.

Sure.

Uncle Snoop, I got one for you, my boy.

Yeah.

Bird man, what's that?

I'm cooling, man.

Cooling?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uncle Snoop, I got something for you.

Okay, next one.

Good morning.

Good morning, girl.

I'm all right, baby.

Yeah, girl.

I'm all right.

Okay.

Hey, how y'all doing, baby?

I'm cooling, baby.

Yeah, I want to get me something to eat.

Uh-huh.

I'm trying to tell you now.

Uncle Snoop, what's happening, my dog?

Bird man, what's happening?

He's I'm cooling.

He's saying hello.

Yeah, it's one love, man.

There's a lot of one loves.

I got something for somebody.

Hey, my baby girl.

Kelly, how are you doing, baby?

God, I like the happy jacket.

Like the next one.

Hey, look, one more.

I forgot.

I forgot.

I mean, but but I got it.

Yeah.

I'm trying to tell you I had forgot.

Okay.

I think we got it.

So, yeah, it is the same exact thing than when we first saw him

a number of years ago.

And

it has not evolved.

And that's exciting to me.

It is.

And why change perfection?

He's figured out the formula that works for him.

It's like RPC.

He has his style.

He does his Lucifer's Lair, you know, a lot of touch in the chest, talking about what he likes.

And then here's Unk.

Although, I remember that RPC doesn't like being associated with Unk

and is not a fan of his.

Well, of course.

Well, because RPC is evolved.

He is an artist.

He is creative.

He does have different things.

He's a clothing designer, porno actor, singer.

He does stand up.

He does a lot of different, like his, you cannot compare these pages.

No, you can't.

Let me tell you, if there's a surefire way to wake up feeling fresh after a night of drinking, it's with Z Biotics Pre-Alcohol.

This probiotic drink, the first genetically engineered drink of its kind, was developed by PhD scientists to ease rough mornings by breaking down a toxic byproduct alcohol produces in the gut.

Just remember, to make pre-alcohol your first drink of the night, drink responsibly, and you'll feel your best tomorrow.

Every time I take pre-alcohol before drinks, I feel the difference the next day.

Still ready for my morning workouts?

no worries.

Go to zbiotics.com/slash ymh to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use YMH at checkout.

ZBiotics is backed with a 100% money-back guarantee.

So if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money.

No questions asked.

Remember, head to zbiotics.com slash YMH and use the code YMH at checkout for 15% off.

I know that none of you watch porn,

but just in case you have any friends that do, help me pass along this important PSA.

Incognito mode does not make you incognito.

Check the fine print.

All your late night activities are still 100% visible to a ton of third parties unless you use ExpressVPN.

Without ExpressVPN, others can still see the sites you visit, even in incognito mode.

ExpressVPN encrypts your traffic to keep your browsing private.

ExpressVPN hides your IP, making it tough for anyone to track you.

Super easy.

Just open the app, tap once, and you're protected.

It works on all your devices too, so you can stay private everywhere.

Everywhere you go, you don't need people peeking into what you do, right?

There's a reason you close the blinds at your house because you don't want people seeing all of your decisions.

Now, protect your privacy online today by visiting expressvpn.com/slash ymh.

That's EXPRESS VPN.com slash YMH.

You can get an extra four months free.

Expressvpn.com/slash YMH.

Yeah, no, look at his content.

It's way better.

Fun men to meet.

Like, yeah.

No, he's amazing.

Yeah, he does.

This is a totally different thing.

I mean, look at those birds.

It's fucking amazing.

What's with the fire?

What's he doing there?

It's Lucifer's Lair.

What do you think?

Hey, guys, welcome to Lucille Man.

Your hot beat, the RPCs, wait a ticket.

Hot to you guys.

917-353-291-606-37-85231-618 199-706-98395 Wagner House, man.

Look at ticket the hot black of Latino rough trade guys, all kinds of guys, interracial,

illegal.

23, you know, 23.95 Wagner House, Parker, 2C, Bulletin, 124th Avenue, east side of Harlem.

I mean, that's the same message, man.

That's the same message.

But here's the deal, man.

Why do I feel nothing but love?

I got to be honest with you.

The feelings I get watching these gentlemen, Unk makes me feel a little scared.

Yeah.

And I don't, I feel repelled by that.

But for RPC, I want him to get what he wants.

I understand what you're saying.

Why is that?

I don't know.

I mean, also, how many pages does RPC have on Instagram?

Does he have a few still?

At least 10.

10 pages?

At least.

Could you pull up another one?

I just want to see.

Oh, man.

God, he's so charming.

Is it the charm?

Is it the.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Cool.

Oh, wow.

Oh, did he give a shout out to?

Oh, okay.

Do not trust this man.

Yeah.

He did not sell my IP.

Fraud by trying to copy my hats and caps, fashion, and put my name on it.

Oh, wow.

Well, you know, IP is a real big thing these days.

You know what I mean?

And yeah, I would definitely side with rpc on that of course

maybe i feel a kinship with rpc because he is a comedian he is a singer he is an actor he's a performer yeah and he's a lover of animals great guy um but i don't know much else about unk shine maybe if i knew a little bit more about him

you're good you're good um

i'll just say this if you are visiting the greater new york area and you are a hot black or latino man and you're looking for a good time i would take him up on this you can use google maps and just type in Robert Paul Champagne RPC.

It'll take you exactly to where there it is, right there.

2390 is second half in New York.

Yeah, Wagner Houses, Apartment 2C.

Just ring the buzzer and he will buzz you right in.

Whoa, whoa, hold on.

It says 2390, second half.

Yeah, well.

Whoa, wait a minute.

That's inaccurate.

I think Wagner Houses is like that whole block.

Yeah, it is.

It's kind of like laid on there.

Yeah.

Thank God.

I don't want to spread misinformation there, you know.

Well, let's move move on to something that frankly can't really wait much longer.

There's two things, really.

One is that Charo was here last week.

Boy, was she ever.

Holy

shit.

Was that something?

I might say her best appearance yet.

It was a legendary classic appearance.

And the boys did the right thing.

They didn't even have to be

fast.

There is an incredible super cut.

Let me just relax.

Let's just get into position and enjoy this, everybody.

Okay.

Hello, Governor.

Thank you.

Governor, everybody.

Pull the mic down a little bit.

These are my dogs.

You can't lift the cup.

Okay.

Ah, no.

How's the coffee?

They're bringing you another one.

Well, if I don't have

the microphone.

Now pull it down.

Not from there.

From the bottom.

Well, you do it.

You can do it.

Aye, aye, aye, aye.

Hi.

Call me.

Hi.

Fresh coffee.

You want another coffee?

Yeah.

Call me.

What?

No way.

Coffee on the way.

Coffee on the way.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Heather.

Another coffee.

We're going to do another coffee.

Have we talked about the cruise?

Have we talked about the cruise?

Yes.

Been a few times already.

Did we talk about the cruise?

Yes.

Hours ago.

And did I thank you?

Did I thank you and no?

I'm so glad that we were all able to do it.

I was talking.

Can I get a coffee, please?

You want another coffee for real?

What do you mean anoint coffee?

One cup of coffee doesn't make me anoint coffee.

This will be number four or five that you're having, just so you know.

What's wrong with you?

Got headphones on your cheek.

Are you testing me if I'm stupid?

Can I talk?

Talk nice.

Thank you.

Reach the other way.

No, no, closer to you.

Below?

Here.

Here.

Right here.

Just show her.

Oh.

Thanks, Jack.

I forgot.

Oh!

This is your show, really?

Don't be retarded.

I might be retarded, but I'm not stupid.

Tata there.

Retard?

Guess what?

What?

I'm taking you to buy me something.

Unbelievable.

Truly remarkable.

That was so much fun reliving it.

Christ.

She was a little, I mean, look, she was a little out there.

She was out of it.

She'd taken some edibles.

And drank a lot.

And drank a lot.

And had five coffees.

I mean, it was...

It's amazing.

It was unhinged.

She was totally unhinged.

She really was.

Did you take her shopping?

No, I haven't spoken to her since.

Well, rest assured, she went through my closet last night and took out a jacket.

She did?

Yeah.

She got something, don't worry.

Not surprised.

Yeah.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it.

Who knows if we'll ever see her again, but that was a pretty memorable episode.

You guys had a, you had a, you had a row.

Yeah.

Say, governor, a bit of a row.

Yeah.

I sure did.

Well, she was a little blitzed maybe when she left and may have said some things.

You know what I mean?

We'll see.

Hopefully, I'll have an update for you soon if she's still alive.

All right.

So

this you're going to absolutely.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, Jeans, a big fan of both y'all and YMH podcasts that have helped me deal with a lot of hard times in life.

You guys have made me laugh when I've had the shittiest day.

I'm very thankful to be alive at the same time as y'all.

I'm a tattoo artist from East Tennessee.

I've always wanted to give myself a YMH tattoo, but didn't really know exactly what to do.

That was until I saw Christine's amazing artwork of Tom choking

practically to death just trying to say the word Netflix.

I can't name a more pivotal moment in all media that is more deserving of a tribute.

The entire world practically stopped to hear if Timothy would make it through such a dangerous word to say out loud.

And I think we're all in a better place now that he has made it through such a life-threatening situation.

To commemorate both an amazing piece of art and an unforgettable moment in history, I chose the choke as my YMH tattoo as a gift to myself.

I hope I made Mommy Jeans proud.

And I hope Tom gets the speech therapy he needs.

Mwah, Skylar, here you go.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Oh my God, it's perfect.

Believable.

How did you do that?

It's identical.

No, is that real?

Am I being, am I being duped?

No, you're not being duped.

That's real.

That is real.

Holy shit.

He really did it.

Perfect.

You know, my favorite part about this, too, is that there is going to be somebody who goes goes like, who is that?

What is that?

And he could be like, oh, do you like stand-up?

It's a whole story.

You ever see.

It's a whole story.

You ever see Tom Segura and they'll be like, what?

Like, yeah.

And he's like, yeah, that's him.

And what's really special is that it's both of us.

It's a collaborative thing.

And

I love this.

I can't encourage this enough.

It's incredible.

It's really, really remarkable.

I'm just so thrilled as an artist to have my work featured on somebody's body forever now.

Yeah.

That's so cool.

Wow.

Well, Skylar, you are incredible.

I think we need to send him something.

Absolutely.

Guys, please reach out because that is remarkable.

Please share any future interactions you have from people when they go, what the fuck is that?

Oh, my God, please.

And by the way, don't think I am resting on my laurels just because of this success.

I'm already developing.

My next piece of art that you are my muse, Tom.

I know.

You've told me.

You are my muse, and I know exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm excited.

I'm excited to see what you.

You're such a prolific artist.

Thank you.

I just want to see what comes next, you know.

But like they say in the art world, you know, you don't want to put out too much.

This is true.

You don't want to lower the value of your work.

So this is true.

This is why I'm parceling myself.

Yeah.

Like we did the first one, the second one.

I'm going to.

What are you doing?

I'm roguing.

Oh, that's why it's the rogies in there.

So

this one, I have diarrhea ready to come out of me.

So just to show you this real quick.

Yeah, I guess I'm a little antsy.

Yeah.

Maybe don't drink coffee.

I want to.

So

here you go.

This is, we found another Kevin Spaniels classic here.

Oh, I missed that.

You're definitely a single woman because you got the single woman tell

that damn smoke detector.

How do you live with that?

The way that I've been living with just being a single woman is...

No, no, no, no, no.

Specifically, the smoke detector that keeps chirping.

How do you live with that?

Can you just elaborate more on like the what do you mean by the smoke detector?

Oh my god, it keeps going beep like red flies.

Yeah, yeah, I guess that smoke detector that's beeping in the background.

There's a smoke detector.

Um, it beeps every 30 seconds and it goes beep.

I don't, I don't hear anything beeping.

Do you did you just hear it again?

Because I don't hear anything.

Wait for it.

Told you guys they don't hear it after a while.

There it was.

The beep.

Yeah, so I don't know.

Maybe I have to replace my fire smoke detector.

Oh, my God.

Batteries.

Yeah, maybe that's what it is.

Okay, so I just noticed it.

You didn't notice it.

And

it's one of the first things men notice about you ladies because a man would not sit there with that thing beeping like that.

Every 30, every 15 seconds, it beeps.

Okay, noted.

And my point is, guys, the things that we notice, they don't notice.

They just, they get comfortable.

It's insane.

How does she sleep at night?

She tuned it out.

She didn't even hear it.

Well, that's really interesting because it's one of the marks of a cool guy very early in YMH history.

Yeah.

The chirp, the chirp, that's always part of their thing.

Well, schizophrenic minds can kind of make sense of a lot of things.

It's official.

It's crazy.

I got a show.

Let's take a quick break.

This show is sponsored by Liquid IV.

This year, I have some fitness goals.

I want to trim down some, and I want to stop cramping.

Whatever you do, come into your own, your own way with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV, powered by Live Hydro Science.

Liquid IV helps you break the mold with flavors like their new hydration multiplier sugar-free raspberry lemonade, a bright, zero-sugar flavor combining notes of ripe, freshly picked raspberries and citrusy, zesty lemon.

I'm a fan of all these flavors.

I like all the stuff.

Oh my gosh, I'm hooked on the white peach sugar-free.

White beech is what's up.

Every day.

I even like raw sterry.

I mean strawberry.

Liquid IV continues to set the standard in flavor innovation with refreshing true-to-fruit blends designed to keep you hydrated.

Discover favorites like acai berry, lemon lime, and pina colada, or explore sugar-free varieties including raspberry lemonade, white peach, and rainbow sherbert, all available on their website.

Break the mold and own your ritual.

Just one stick plus 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone.

Embrace your ritual with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV.

Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquid IV.com and use the code YMH at checkout.

That's 20% off your first order when you shop for better hydration today using the promo code YMH at liquidiv.com.

And we're back and super excited for our guest.

You can check out his new podcast, Jim Norton Can't Save You.

It's Jim Norton, everybody.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks for coming.

I can't believe this is a long time that this has not happened in.

I know.

Every time I'd be here, you would be away because you're on tour somewhere or like when you guys were available, I wasn't here.

So I'm happy it's finally happening.

Yeah, I'm so happy to see you, man.

Me too.

We are huge, huge fans of you.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you're an amazing amazing comic.

Obviously, you've been doing great radio and podcasting forever, too, but this is fucking, this is a treat, man.

Thank you.

Now watch me bomb for an hour.

No, you're always good.

You're always good.

We actually did that show together.

Wasn't it the three of us that did that

in Pittsburgh?

And that was 2014.

What?

Yeah.

God, that feels like an eternal.

Do you remember that?

Vaguely.

Yeah, it was some weird theater for Randy and DVE.

The radio guys.

DVE.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

And everybody did, it was like 10 people or something like that.

It was 2014.

It was 2014.

Yeah, it's depressing.

Or maybe 15.

I don't know.

No, because we didn't have kids then.

We were still like...

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Yeah.

It was a long time ago.

Yeah.

It was like a tag.

I don't even know who closed it.

You did.

Did I really?

You closed it.

Oh, I did.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

I have no memory of that.

I remember very well.

It was.

Oh, my God.

I was so starstruck.

I remember being on that lineup with you.

I was like, it's Jim Norton.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we all were.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

No,

because I mean this honestly, your stand-up is so good.

You are definitely an underrated.

As much success and everything that everybody knows, your stand-up is so good.

The thing I like watching is like somebody who's willing to take risks and go for it, you know?

And I feel like you're one of those guys.

So if I watch you, I'm like, man, I got to fucking step it up, which is a good thing to have.

It's a good feeling to have.

Yeah.

If you're emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out because then i can't get caught yeah like you're not going to get busted with something if you tell everybody yeah you're very honest you're very honest on stage it's just a fear of getting caught yeah a fear of being like oh somebody telling something about me so i'm like if i tell you first you have you know how it is yeah you have nothing to say but you always did you always have that like were you always that way it's what made comics laugh when i started yeah like it was like i would start and like it was like uh it's like 1991 and uh guys like bob levy and jim florentine would come and they would always laugh at the stuff i talked about that was like me and my personal personal life and sex and on like the honest self-deprecating shit like the real self-hatred yeah and that would make my those guys

it's so funny

they were like I love that so like making them laugh to me was like that was the win that was the win man yeah well what I love about you is that you are so open about your sexual proclivities or your quote deviancies and all of that and I think in watching somebody who accepts themselves even if you hate yourself so fully it allows other people to accept themselves in a way yeah that's always satisfying if somebody emails me.

Like I've gotten a lot over the years of people going, hey, I'm so glad you talked about that because I thought I was alone, like doing that stuff in childhood or like liking this or liking that.

Like it was so nice to hear somebody talk about it.

Guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from sure.

Because it was on Opi and Anthony.

Like then they were just barbarians, the audience.

But there'sn't, I mean, they're real people.

Sure.

You know, they're harsh and like they have a vicious, mean sense of humor, but at the end of the day, they're just regular people.

Yeah.

So they would write in and like they related to certain things and they appreciate it and they're like i always thought i was gay if i did this you know and they were right but i mean

you're a homo yeah but it was it was nice to uh to get those messages from people i was like hey it's fun telling on yourself but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it yeah i mean like but i i i think that thing too about what like watching you be super open and honest i think even as a comedian you're watching it and you're like man i i need more of that open you know i I mean?

It makes you go, like, oh, I should just share that thing that I'm scared to share.

Right.

Because what are they going to do?

The worst that's going to happen is they don't like it.

Yeah.

Or they don't relate.

A lot of times they won't admit relating to something.

It's hard to get people to, like, you know how it is.

Because it's the mirror.

It's too much because some people aren't conscious, I think, of what it is.

Yes.

So if you're like, like, I was trying to do this bit for the longest time about how women can hate their husbands when you first have a child.

Because it's true.

The woman carries the baby for nine months we're exhausted we give birth and then we breastfeed and and you're like what the fuck have you done yeah you know and that's just a very normal it eventually subsides but i i just couldn't sell it because the women are sitting next to their husbands in the audience and they're like

i don't love you everything's great yeah you were a great partner you went to la mas with me oh yeah yeah but i think it's natural i guess so so were you ever able to sell it were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of you could just never get it to click where they would be safe going with it yeah because now i have to blame my own mental illness i blame it on my relationship i had with my father and that he was abandoning and then then i can tie it back to me projecting it onto him and then it gets because then it's like then they go okay well she's messed up she's so mentally ill yeah she's crazy i'm laughing because she's crazy not because i hated your fucking guts yeah exactly

but doesn't that help when they think you're crazy and i think that helps it gives them the excuse sometimes that they need like other otherwise they think like if i'm laughing i'm admitting and if i'm laughing i'm agreeing yeah but if I'm laughing because they're crazy, it's okay.

Yeah.

Because no one's going to stop you and say, could you put a checklist of why you laughed at these bits?

It doesn't matter.

Why did you laugh?

Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant?

Yes.

That drives me crazy when I see a couple saying that.

It's like, weird.

No, you're not.

She is.

She is.

Or my partner.

I don't like hearing just husband, wife.

Yeah, just say, just say what.

It's fine.

She's pregnant.

I'm going out tonight.

She's going out.

She's pregnant and I did it.

We're pregnant.

But, you know, like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying we're pregnant or saying that.

I'm like, oh.

It is like a type of couple, too.

Yeah.

They're a little bit like

full of themselves, right?

They think you can tell when they say we a lot,

it's somebody who goes, well, that's the right thing to say.

Sure.

You know,

it's kind of like the, I don't know, the ultra-liberal type that goes, we are doing this.

Do you do we?

Not with pregnant in my house.

No, not really.

I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no, there wouldn't be much cause for it.

Like,

we're doing this or what?

No, it would just be me or her.

I can't think of any case where it would feel like we should do it the way like a, you know, like a couple like you would would do it, like where you're pregnant.

Well, yeah, the pregnancy thing is absurd.

But even one time, I remember one time, Tom and I, you probably remember what I'm going to say.

We're in the airport getting ready to go on a vacation together, and he gets a phone call, and he's like, I'm going to Hawaii.

And I was like, just you?

Just you.

And I was like, what about us as a family?

We, we are going.

And you got, you remember that?

Did I get upset?

Yeah.

Probably.

You probably deserve it.

Here's the truth.

I still was going to Hawaii.

Yeah.

Right.

Both things can be true.

Yeah.

One just makes you a little more selfish.

I do remember this, though.

I remember in college,

there was a time where one of my roommates, Casey, and I were just like, you know, we had an apartment.

We had it for, we stayed for the summer.

That was the thing where like people went, you know, like in college went back home.

Right.

And we stayed.

And we were like getting up,

working out together, hanging out during the day, watching movies.

And then we went to a party at somebody's place at an apartment.

And as we were leaving, I remember I turned to the person.

I was like,

thanks for having us.

And then we walked out and I was like, yo, that's what a couple would say, man.

I go, I just thank them for having us.

Like, we are a unit.

Like, we're a gay couple now.

And I was like, I think we're hanging out too much because I'm like referring to us as one.

But it does feel weird if you walk out with your friend and you go, hey, thanks for having me.

And then he's like a dick, like, me too.

Me too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you know, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, I'm going, it would depend on what they were calling me for.

If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this?

Like a business.

Gay, yeah, or something.

I might go, now I'm going to be in Hawaii.

I don't know if I'd say we're going to Hawaii.

Hold on, Your Honor.

I think it was your mother

who you were talking to.

And you were like, I'm going to Hawaii.

And I was like, you're not going to.

I mean,

I don't think I put that much thought into it, honestly.

I really was just like, yeah.

That's the troubling part, isn't it?

It annoyed you, though.

Yeah.

It annoyed me.

It was very interesting.

I also remember

the start of the marriage, you being like,

you saying something about a we thing, like, we, we are getting this place.

We have yeah, and I was just like, who fucking cares?

Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody, like be careful about saying like our home or whatever, because then they can like lay claim to it.

What?

If you get uh, oh, really?

Yeah, I know somebody, she had money, and she married a guy, and she's like, Yo, just be careful saying something like our place of

like she kept it on her, it was her place.

Oh, it's my, yeah, I guess so, yeah.

This way, if they get divorced, he kept it.

Then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid, and there was no legal basis for it.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Yeah, definitely.

Because in New York, isn't it, what is it called?

Common or what is it?

Common law stuff?

I don't know.

Well, there's a thing that I know that I think in Texas, because there's certain states where you can date somebody for, and it's over a certain amount of seven years, I think.

And not married, and then they have claim to property.

Common law and marriage.

Is that if you're living together?

You have to live together.

Yeah, I don't know if New York has common law.

I think it's a seven-year period, though.

Maybe it's different in different places.

Let's see.

No, New York does not.

Oh, good.

Thank God.

Yeah.

Yeah, Texas does, I bet, right?

Texas is at common lessons.

Two weeks.

Yeah.

Definitely.

Yes.

Yes.

Informal marriage.

To marry without formalities.

Okay, what is the requirement?

You have to be 18, not related.

That's good.

Not married to anyone else.

They have to, yeah, cohabitate.

They must agree to be married, though.

Oh.

So that's an interesting thing, is that they must present themselves as married.

What is the proof of that, though?

That's exactly what I wanted to ask.

Because all she's got to say is, he told me that we're married.

We're like a married couple.

Yeah.

For sure.

I just have to fill out immigration things.

Like, you know, when you're having your green card, the conditions taken off.

Norway.

Okay.

So having the conditions take off, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign is something they say they do present as a married couple.

They are married.

Swear they know that the government's not getting scammed.

Yeah.

It's not married.

So many people do that scam, too.

I've met so many people that have done it for somebody else.

And you're like...

You're married?

Well, you know, kind of.

Yeah, they just like hook them up with the green card, though.

It's crazy.

It is crazy.

Can I ask you the dumbest question?

Sure.

She is.

Yep.

So hold on.

Okay, so you married, you married, but you're married to a trans woman.

Yes.

So are you married

like boy-girl married or are you boy-boy married?

Do you know what I mean?

Boy, girl, married, because on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole...

I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you, obviously.

But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very open about that.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Which they've changed the way you can change your, but they actually let you change your birth certificate in Norway.

Wow.

So it says that.

It's very progressive.

It is, yeah.

I mean,

it's kind of whatever.

I mean, it works out well for us, but.

But what do you mean?

What's the, because you kind of went like, oh, that's.

I mean, I don't know.

It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say, I am the, like, I think there should be some process you go through.

It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this would prevent, you know, some guy that looks like me or you.

Yeah, just going, hey, that's true.

I got arrested.

I want to go to a woman's prison.

Yeah.

Sure.

Your wife is lovely.

I got to get to know her a little bit in the green room at Mothership.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

Sweet and funny, and like, just so cool.

And I'm really happy for you.

I mean, I don't know you really well, but you seem very happy and very much in love.

And like, this is a good relationship.

Yeah, it's, it's like, you know, you settle in and you realize, like, wow, I am am married.

Like, it really is at times great.

And at other times, you know, it's everything they said.

It's every, I'm living every fucking hack comic in the 80s bit.

Like, they were right.

They were right.

But I do like it.

I was lonely.

It sucks when you're in your 50s and you're single.

Yeah.

And it's all just, you know, it's one person after the other, or it's nobody for six months.

It's just lonely.

Yeah.

Sure.

I love it.

I love how this is like a real thing that I don't think people talk about enough is how many people don't have somebody.

It really is a huge number of people, you know, that are out there that going through life and they go, like, if you talk to people, you'll realize you meet people who are like, oh, I haven't had, some people are like, I haven't had a relationship in 13 years.

Yeah.

It's, you know, they just kind of like settle into that.

I remember I argued with an ex-girlfriend years ago.

I was like 22, and I still remember she's like, you're going to die alone.

And I was like, wow.

And the 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes.

I'm like, wow, that really affected.

I mean, she was probably, I was a dick and I was a bad boyfriend.

But like, I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone.

Like, you want to just be with somebody who you enjoy.

Yeah.

And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever, the times we argue, if I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married.

Well, that's what I was going to ask you.

What were the, what were, who were you dating before her?

I don't want to limit.

Had you dated men?

Had you dated women?

Never, I never dated men.

Like the idea of like hugging a man and going, hey, how are you doing, baby?

It's just as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this.

This is the idea, like,

it's a very weird thing, and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play.

So they're like, well, so you like men, but I'm like, no, it's not like somebody who lives as a man or presents as a man.

Right.

Doesn't do it for you.

You don't like masculinity.

I hate it.

Like being around that.

Okay.

Yeah.

Unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay.

That's more of a masculine attitude.

Right.

But it's kind of hard to explain.

There's a lot of people right now going, this guy's just a homo and he's delusional.

And there's other people going, Yes, I know exactly what you're saying, right?

It's hard to explain, yeah.

But um, but you can't consider yourself straight.

I mean, I'm sorry, if there's a if you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody, and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says, if you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male.

You're somewhere in between, yeah, you can't, I don't think you can be hetero.

I think common sense would it be like you're sexually gay, but you don't like gayness?

Would that be somewhat no?

Because I do like vaginas too.

I don't want to talk talk to you so technically.

Bisexual, then.

I guess, I mean.

Not to label it, because I actually don't like all these labels.

I know, but some of them are just unpleasant in their actual.

Do you miss vaginas?

Oh, yeah.

But I think that.

But if she had one, I would just be one-up.

Like, I would miss everyone but hers.

It's not like if I married somebody with a pussy, I would get a bunch of them.

It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss.

Right, right, right.

But, you know, yeah, so that's one thing.

Of course, I do.

I do miss miss that.

But, I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict, so I would miss it no matter who I was married to.

I would miss everything that I couldn't have.

Sure.

That's kind of normal, right?

Yeah,

that's just married couple shit.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's very natural.

Yeah.

Maybe you're like the future of human sexuality.

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know if this is going to catch on.

It might.

Well, it might.

Look, we have Will Blunderfeld on the show, and he encourages straight, straight men to try, quote, gay things.

Like, I don't know, is it society that tells men?

Because women can make out with women.

Let's say, and even in the 90s in college, it was totally fine if I wanted to make out with women.

Will's got a bit of an angle.

He's kind of like, you know, he's like, basically, he's like, playing with another guy's balls is the straightest thing you can do.

And you're like, wait, what?

Like, he's always kind of.

He's got an agenda.

Yeah, he's got a bit of an agenda, which is to let him touch your dick.

Yeah, that's true.

Men being men.

Yeah, he's.

Yeah.

And it's disguised under this, like, this is what warriors did.

Like, he's always like, the Spartans did this, and the samurai would lick each other's nipples.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you're like, listening to it, like, really?

He's like, yeah, so do you want to do it?

And you're like, I mean,

a dear friend of mine, Jose Menendez, used to say the same thing.

He would say that this is what the Warriors,

but so the Warriors were doing gay shit.

I mean, that's okay.

We don't have to, like, everybody's trying to rename it and make make it okay.

Like, it is what it is.

Like,

and progressives have just fucking gone berserk.

Like, stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male.

It's crazy.

It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual.

So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual.

It's just say you're not heterosexual.

It's fine.

It is fine.

I think also what you're pointing out is that there, I mean, you're kind of the living proof that there really is a scale of on this thing you know I mean it's like a fluid kind of thing it's not just black and white right because your own sexuality is kind of in the gray area right kind of yeah and I think I've always been that way as a kid always not sure exactly what I wanted again a lot of it is greed yeah how small like what was what your earliest memories of being this way

I was probably five.

I remember I used to, yeah, I have a picture of myself and I can date it.

It was from 73.

And I used to have like little oral sex with my friends.

But this one kid I was scared of, and I used to blow him.

But I think I kind of liked it, or I would, you know what I mean?

Like, when I look back on it, it's like my therapist is like, You were molested.

I'm like,

I don't know.

Maybe I was scared, but I did kind of like it.

You guys were around the same age, though?

He was my age, maybe nine months older, within a year old.

It wasn't like he was 41.

I was gonna say,

if you're like, no, but he was my friend.

He taught me to fish.

Was that the first penis you'd ever touched?

I think he was with this friend at five.

Yeah.

Yes.

But I have a photo of myself like when I fell and I split my head open.

So I know I was already doing it by then.

So and there's a date on the picture.

So I know I was age five.

Yeah.

Wow, that's young.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was, I was off to the, I was a, I was a, I was a trooper.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It was very active as a kid.

It was very uh, but I talked about that a lot.

And like, you know, we would, we would play that, the Monster Rain game.

And, you know, it's just one of those things.

It was, uh, we would, one of us would yell like, Monster Rain, and we would hide under the porch, and then we would blow each other under the porch.

But the Monster Rain.

This was one of your specials.

It was.

It was called the Monster Rain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a true story.

But yeah, we would, we would,

yeah, that's where it came from.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

But you don't have to mine for material when it's just that.

Like, when it's there, it's like, I don't have to go out and find an angle on, fuck, Trump's elect, or try, or this is how it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much.

Like, you have to talk about other stuff too.

Yes.

Because otherwise,

I'm just literally, it's like you're you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore yeah there's a balance i mean i think also in like you know in kind of scoping out an hour like i was think about hours a lot now of of you know if you have like that type of material you want it to be like 15 yeah probably max 15 of that yes so it's you don't want an hour on blowing and coming no not at all so it's like like you got to kind of like shape i mean we're always trying to shape like in the hour that i'm out with right now, I have done, if it's four 15-minute chunks, I've done them in every order.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And trying to figure out what order is best.

And I feel like currently I feel like I figured out the order to do them in because you don't, because sometimes I go like, oh, that chunk at the end doesn't feel I should end with that.

I feel like I got to move it up.

And you're always just trying to like make it move around.

But I try to balance it between.

Okay, stuff I'm talking about from my life, general observational stuff, you know, et cetera, like having some balance to it all so that it's not just one note.

Yeah, and it's interesting to do it like a different order.

Sometimes I'll do that.

Like I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat where I just run the hour and I work on it, you know, you just go through it.

And sometimes I'll, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close?

Sometimes it's not.

Sometimes it's like, no, the build is kind of what made that better.

But yeah, it's ballsy to do that like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people.

Yeah.

Switching that 15 minutes.

Yeah.

You know, well, sometimes it ends and you're like, yeah, I shouldn't have done that.

That didn't yeah, that was a bad move.

I should have done that in front of 50 people on a workout night instead of

instead of uh, I'm back on tour now.

Fine, like, I had taken time off, and I'm not with the radio show anymore, so it's like it's weird with you and Sam.

Yeah, that's I'm dead.

I was at serious for 20 years.

Wow,

yeah, it was a lot of talking, and um, we just couldn't, you know, they just didn't want to pay it, and I knew it was coming.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you see it, and it's like whatever.

Um, it's a little scary because it's the first time you're like without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up you just walk in and talk yeah but like i feel good that i didn't blow it up either like you know in life we sabotage things absolutely especially comedians so many comedians yeah that they're fucking like and i've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode yeah and watching other people just blow up their life that i'm like have confidence but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue i mean acdc went on after bon scott died i mean i mean radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them.

Right.

So you have to be realistic.

Well, that's very, I mean, that's a super mature approach to this thing.

You know what I mean?

From you, I'm saying, to like, I'm not going to blow this up.

I'm going to keep doing it until if somebody doesn't want to do it.

But now you're making the

kind of the transition, right, to the podcast.

Yeah,

30 years in.

I mean, I really should be executed for my life.

We were there at the beginning, and I just, I couldn't.

I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio.

that started the stuff, yeah.

Yeah, but back then, I probably could have snuck it in back in 2009 or 10.

I probably could have fucking, yeah, but I would have ruined my life.

Like, I know that I would have done something or said something on the podcast that, like, today, I would be like, Why the fuck did I say that in 2011?

I know it's going to come back to

haunt me.

We all have, yeah, I guess so, right?

We all have.

It's just a matter of they haven't found them all yet.

Yeah, that's really what it is.

If somebody wants to write the code to search all the audio of things we've said, it could be very destructive.

But also, Tommy, well, yeah, of course.

Yeah.

But don't you find, too, that, like,

if you've never claimed to be righteous,

what the fuck are they going to take us down on?

Like, nobody, we never claimed to be in the right about anything.

At this point, they couldn't take, like, they can't take this away.

They could just take something else I'm doing away, basically.

And they can't take touring away.

Right.

So they, they, they can't take like the two main things in my career away.

Thank God for that.

They could just be like, oh, you can't be on this TV show anymore.

Okay.

I think that's changed a lot too, or it's starting to.

It is starting to.

People are like, ah, enough already.

Enough.

And especially like, again, because so many of the old radio shows are online.

Yeah.

I mean, there's hours.

of offensive shit.

It's called the whole show.

It was 25 hours a week at one point.

It was Monday through Friday, 6 to 11.

We were doing five hours a day.

So funny.

I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff.

But

I love that time of radio because I would go between you guys and Stern.

And that was such a good time of just like, there was that window before this cancel culture started where shit was actually really hard and funny.

They would fuck you back then too, though.

Like they tried to get us with Homeless Charlie when that homeless guy came in and he was really just a funny guy, like a naturally funny human being.

And he was brutal.

And he was just talking about

Laura Bush.

And he was talking about the Queen of England and having sex.

but in a way that would be very, very unpleasant for them.

And

we got kicked off a satellite for a month.

We got suspended for a month.

And the only thing that saved us, oh yeah, Bill was in that day.

The only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock.

And like, since it didn't happen on their airwaves, they kept the show.

But that was the one time, like, I hated terrestrial.

We were doing kind of double duty.

And that actually saved us from our lives being our job.

We had gotten fired once already, so I mean, yeah, remember that, yeah, yeah, that era was all about like

you guys and the Stern people, it was either like fines and suspensions and firings, like it was a regular

time.

Well, it Janet Jackson fucked everything without him intending to, because after she, uh, that nipple slip, I think Bush was president, it was 2003, and the fines went tenfold, so it went like from 35,000 per occurrence to 350,000 per occurrence.

That's a big jump.

And if you did it on 10 stations, it was you find on each station.

So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this.

They cracked down, and then it just started to get shitty.

And again, that kind of eventually gave the birth to podcasts where people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore.

And podcast, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted to.

So are you enjoying the podcasting?

I'm only, I mean, I've done.

I'm only, I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while, but this one of just me

and a guest, I like a lot.

I've only done a few episodes.

We got like eight episodes taped, but I love it.

Yeah.

It's so much fun.

And total freedom, like total freedom.

Total freedom.

And it's an hour and you're in your house.

And

I didn't think I would like it in the house, but it's like, I can have somebody whenever I want.

Like whenever you want to do it, you just do it.

It's great.

No notes, nobody telling you what you can and can't fucking say.

No, and nobody else to nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it.

Yes.

Two different senses senses of humor um

and i just i just want to say what i want to say and i want the pace to be what i want the pace to be exactly yeah you dictate it i mean they dictate it yeah that's kind of fun like i remember the whole reason one of the reasons i even wanted to do a podcast was i went on another guy's podcast and i was just like oh i wouldn't

i i wouldn't do it this way you know what i mean it started to like it bothered me i'm like why wouldn't you ask that guy that question right he was like i don't know so that was just like same kind of thing of you're like i'd rather do it the way I want to do it.

Yeah, you want the control over it.

And I'm enjoying the fact that we were going to get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays.

Like, this whole thing happened really fast.

So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs.

I'm like, don't fucking languish.

Don't just sit there like a lump of shit, hoping and being bitter.

Shut up.

Start doing something else.

So at least you're, you know, you're focused on something else.

Yeah.

You can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself.

Nobody wants to hear.

Nobody cares.

Nobody's going to feel sorry for me.

Well, that's like life that taught you not to just sit around because like maybe 25-year-old version of you would do that or something, you know?

Getting fired in 2002 changed my life.

Like that, that changed everything for me.

You see that it can happen.

They can take everything from you.

You also know that you're going to be okay.

I remember I was with Bobby Kelly.

We lived in the same building and I lived on the 22nd floor.

And I'm like, I was saying to myself, like, I should just jump out the window.

Like, I finally have fans and now the whole thing is gone.

My life sucks.

Just fucking kill yourself.

It was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along.

It's like, there's always something else.

There's always something.

Always something else.

Although now it's just me.

So I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or Owene to come back.

So we'll see how it goes.

Oh, man.

Your crew, like your core group, is like, I think amongst comedians is one of the favorites to admire and look up.

You know what I mean?

Like people love hearing about you, Colin, Patrice, Rich, like as a group.

You guys seem to have like the one of the coolest classes of people.

It was fun.

I still see Colin and Keith all the time.

Like it'll be

Keith Robinson, who's actually just as funny.

It's crazy.

He had a stroke.

And Keith is amazing.

And I hate, I would never say this to him, but he's amazing because he never feels sorry for himself.

Like it's fucking crazy.

He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the cellar.

A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club.

And he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slowly and never feels sorry for himself.

It's really inspiring.

and it's exactly the opposite of how i would handle it yeah you know what i mean i would be milking it and bitching and uh he just did a brilliant hour on netflix like it's really inspiring to see him um and he's still funny which is crazy that's incredible and patrice every these dumb fans it's always no matter what especially with my my marriage what if patrice was alive what would he say and i think that he would love the fact that that his name is being used to torture all of us yeah he would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebes living in his shadow

he would really enjoy that yeah he is just his name is brought up constantly for all this yeah i like it though i love that people see him that way like yeah the memory's alive it's nice yeah and it's like i wish he would have gotten to see it but i'm i'm happy for him that like

he's not forgotten like otto Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more of Otto and George.

Otto and George.

Yeah, I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live.

I remember getting those tapes.

We had like Otto and George tapes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it was crazy, like passed around.

He was so great.

And I just wish that more people talked about him.

But I'm happy for Petrie.

You know what I mean?

Like when you see one friend getting so many accolades, you're happy, and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more.

And Greg, you were like, and Giraldo.

I love Giraldo.

I loved him.

Yeah.

God, I memorized his stuff.

Yeah, he was such a good comic.

Such good.

His son does comedy.

No,

his son, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he's Greg Jr.

And he's a good-looking kid.

And yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps.

And I just think how happy Greg would be to see him doing that.

He's in the city doing it?

He is, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was working at the cellar as a waiter, and now he's out just kind of like

just hustling like every other young comic.

It's great to see.

That's crazy.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

Geraldo was a funny dude.

I mean, he was so bright.

Yeah, he was in Harvard.

I think he went to Harvard.

Oh, Christ.

Isn't it crazy how many comics went to law school, Yeah.

Went to Harvard, all this stuff.

And then there's me.

How far did you get?

I dropped out of high school.

Well, I went to college and everyone goes like, huh?

What?

Because I went to Lenore Rhine College.

I don't know if that's the case.

And then they're like, is that a real school?

I'm like, yeah.

I mean, I was a terrible high school student.

I got through college all right.

But yeah, I don't think I could have used a degree less.

You know, I mean, a communications major.

It's nonsense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's fucking

just four years of fucking around.

It's not.

Yeah.

Do you do you feel attached to those years?

Do you either like when you look back at like your high school and like the re, because obviously they both want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are.

Do you go or do you like

dead fucked?

No, I don't go to any of that.

I mean,

the only funny thing is, sometimes I'll think about college and the only thing I go is like, oh, yeah, it really is the relationships.

In other words, like the friend, like college connected me to some people that are meaningful to me, right?

Like certain friends.

As far as like,

I couldn't tell you about a class or a goddamn single thing I learned.

Nothing.

It's just like terrible.

That's sad.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that's just, I don't, I mean, dude, I had a philosophy professor that changed my life.

This guy was fucking dying.

Back it up.

He had built his own log cabin before he was a philosophy professor.

He was a professional, or what semi-professional boxer.

He had lived this incredible life,

became a philosophy professor, had an affair with his student, ended up marrying her, making a kid.

The kid ended up going to the college.

Like, this guy led such a great life.

And then he was dying of cancer.

And then he taught existentialism through his treatment and dying of cancer, which was so fucking crazy and surreal to actively be dying and to teach young kids about life and death at the same time.

The guy changed my life forever.

You know, like they opened your mind and his penis was delicious.

I know that's where you were going with it.

I did not have to do it.

I was definitely not going there with it.

But he changed my life.

I'll tell you my most fond memory.

This is how you know that I was

a comedian in a class is that in communications, there's different tracks you can take.

And I took TV radio production and there was a class on advertising.

And what I still remember is our professor.

teaching us about like ad copy and like how you have to, you know, how the process goes and how it can, like, there's a, there's a template you used for an ad.

This is like in print advertising and how it could go sideways.

And he's like, and he cited this example and he brought up the image on the screen of a newspaper, I think in North Carolina, that was advertising for a sporting goods store.

And

the ad said, wear these skis and you'll ski like a

and I laughed so hard

and nobody else laughed and I was just like oh no and he was like

he was like

that is so inappropriate and so awful and I'm sure you can find it by the way you could probably find this thing on somewhere in online

yeah this and so this was like the the example that he gave and I was like yeah yeah you'll ski like a

that was in it appeared in the observer or something i mean that's so funny it's so funny who does not laugh at that i mean this guy did not and half the i mean my the if you go back one if you quote that that's amazing and you put images i bet you it comes up

right there probably see where it says 79.97 wow

that's the that's it just the drawing oh man they should have really

i thought that'd go harder on the image yeah

You'll ski like a

thing.

That's fucking hard.

Who would not laugh at that?

And this guy guy was like showing us on the board and being like you know i'm laughing he's like

why would you laugh at this i'm like because you ski like oh yeah

and because it made it through it made it yeah of course it made it it's what it is it's like it's just being a little rascal right yeah it's like it's very rascally it is right it's like a little kid getting away with like haha it's a wrote fuck on the wall when someone puts porn in like in like some type of presentation yes and porn i don't care where it is it's always funny it's always funny

who doesn't enjoy that?

I know.

Or dirty, like just something inappropriate and language.

Inappropriate.

Always.

Inappropriate is my...

That's like everyone has their button for laughing.

Anything inappropriate, like the person cursing

at the gala.

You know what I mean?

Like the juxtaposition of like, you shouldn't do this here.

I will always bust out laughing in tears.

That's what I, I think that's my.

Even like vandalism, like you put a dick on a billboard and I'm going to giggle every fucking time.

Absolutely.

Especially if it's a woman.

It's so good.

Oh, my gal.

Hell yeah.

Vandalism is like.

Vandalism, when it's funny, or even, I don't know if you did this growing up, when you'd make a googly eye,

you erase around the eyeball of somebody in the black and white book.

You know, it sounds like a picture?

And then you make the eye big and giggly.

Like, even that, I'll show you what I mean.

No, but that's a,

I'm pissed I missed that one.

Yeah, that's a good one.

That dick is great.

Some guy said, I forget who it was that did this interview.

He was a prisoner.

And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read,

he got a book, it was a mystery, and somebody had gotten the book first and went back.

And the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared in the book.

It's amazing.

So it just wrecks it.

I mean, I wish I would have thought to do that.

This reminds me, I always think about Brendan Walsh when this stuff comes up.

You know Brendan Walsh?

He's such a rascal.

Yeah.

Such a rascal.

His name is Sharir.

He's just like, this is him.

Oh, yeah.

This fucking lunatic.

He always has done these like

pranks, but they're like for himself sometimes, too.

Like he got, he, he was in some Zoom.

It was for like, I don't know.

It was like, that's the thing is it's just for him.

During the pandemic, you know, everybody was Zooming.

And it was like, I forget what the topic was.

People were discussing, I don't know know if it was like public health or something.

And he would, he got in on these and there'd be like six strangers talking about these, this topic.

It could have been book reviews or something.

And he found somebody,

he would find people like on Craigslist to join the Zoom.

He'd give them $100 to be just sitting there like a guy.

And

then at one point, he would just tell them to stand up naked.

These people would just stand up and their dick and balls would come across.

Everyone would be like, whoa.

And then he would be like, what's going on?

Like, he set it up, he set it up.

Or he also did that

billboard in Silverlake in Silver Lake where it was a T-Mobile billboard, and it had

huge

images of cell phones with texts in it.

So it was like, and it was like, Sign up for our new plan, yeah, with one of these.

And he went up there and did that to it.

Your father passed away.

Oh my God, what?

He did that, dude.

Oh, that's funny.

That's amazing.

That's really funny.

So you're driving and you're like, what the fuck?

Your dad died?

Oh, my God.

But see, this would make me like Samsung a lot.

I'd probably be like, I'm going to get a galaxy.

That's really funny.

Remember when he covered?

So there is a gay bar in Silver Lake called MJs, right by our house.

Oh, my God.

And didn't he, he made a banner.

Dude, this was

well, they were, they were close, they closed.

So the first thing was this neighborhood gay bar.

Gay, yeah, it was a gay bar.

In Silver Lake.

In Silver Lake, which is like the east side.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like a staple.

Still Los Felos, right?

Yeah, near Los Felos.

And the bar was closing.

And so, you know, like the local community was like, oh, I can't believe it's, you know, it's closing.

So he went there,

had

a, like a big banner made,

hung it up, and then set up a website so that it would, they would be connected.

And this is a, this is the most liberal kind of, you know, very tree-huggy kind of area of L.A.

And he, this, the sign said, coming soon, Silver Lake Gun Club.

And

dude, here's

the website, which was like HTML built and it had an eagle just like going like this.

And he put up a phone number where people could leave.

And he goes, he's like, yeah,

I just listened to people leave.

They're like, we do not want this in our neighborhood.

And then sometimes he said he would answer when they would call.

And he'd be like, Silver Lake Gun Club.

And they're like, what are you doing?

He's like, I'm just, this is America, man.

I can do what I want and like hang up on them.

Just listen to them get fired up.

But this is all for his own amusement.

That is so funny.

Yeah.

There's really funny people out there.

Like when you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking.

Sorry, Civil Lake Gun Club isn't Civil Lake is not getting a gunshot.

That's him.

Is the website still live if you went to the website?

No, it's not.

Oh, it's not?

God damn.

That's really funny.

Yeah, there's people like him, though, you're saying, right?

I'm not creative like that.

Like, I wish I was.

My humor works different than that.

Yeah.

But I wish I had the ability to do that.

Like, that's such a, like, that, that, that, and that T-Mobile thing.

I mean, that made me laugh out loud.

Like, that's really funny.

Really Really funny.

I know.

It's kind of like when, you know, sometimes you're around, you know, like guys who are just comedy writers only.

And some of the shit that they just come up with as an idea for a scene or something, you're like, wow.

That is like, it's, they have just a gift

for that type of creativity, right?

Are you good at that?

I'm not good at that.

I'm not good at like conceptualizing like the bigger picture, the scene.

Like, for me, it just comes in like little spurts and little aggressive actions, and then I'm kind of done.

I mean, I like doing that kind of stuff, and I think I'm okay at it, but I definitely think there's people that are fucking.

You're great at like sketches.

You're really good at that.

Like coming up with a funny scenario, I think you're really good at that.

I mean, I think I'm okay at it.

I think what happens is once you put yourself in a room with the people who are really good at it, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ.

You know what?

Always a jealous of are like the Twitter, the Twitter people.

Oh, Colin Quinn's.

The great tweet.

The great tweets.

Yeah, are just.

What was Colin's thing again?

Yeah, he was so funny.

Colin, he was just such an an ass and that nothing bothers him.

And he'd always say, hey, fans.

And it's just so infuriating that he just doesn't care.

But he really doesn't care.

So it works because it's legit.

He's just being ridiculous.

He doesn't care.

He's not trying to make any big points.

No, and it always makes me laugh.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

The conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about Lynn, but in my opinion, there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored.

Just the amount of people that will go, like, we're fucking talking about it.

They just don't understand that he's just being an idiot.

Hey, girls, if you want to look more appealing to me, forget the push-up bras and push up the sides of your mouth.

A smile is the new tits.

Exclamation mark.

Yeah, this is amazing.

I'm not a racist who believes in white privilege, but I do believe very strongly in white power.

I think he's probably probably him or a tel.

And you hate saying those guys because like of all, of course, everyone says them.

It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle.

But I think Colin is probably my favorite guy

to watch because every year it's a new hour.

It's about something.

And it's really like he's never.

I remember I was on stage one time at the cellar doing something.

It was just, whatever.

I was just going from A to Z quickly.

And he just walked through and he went, nice writing, lazy.

And he was right.

I was fucking, I'm lazy yeah he never is lazy with his writing it's always it's it's never the easy road he doesn't do the audience's emotional work I just he's just great he's the best guy yeah he his stand and then yeah he can and then you like learn on his hours and shit too that's

good yeah which is kind of annoying that that kind of annoys me yeah I don't like that he actually you'll see a clip and you're like wow I really didn't know that

that's what he wants me to say I hate him I do too but the material is great like he's able to take these dry dry subjects.

Like, the Constitution is not a funny thing.

No, and he makes it that way.

No, Red State, Blue State, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious.

I remember with Dave, too.

I always tell this, but like when I had worked with him, this is like close to 20 years ago.

And

he was like really complimentary.

And I was like, you know, just starting kind of.

I was like, this is fucking amazing.

And then I saw him like a year later.

And I did a set and I did one of those jokes from the year before.

And he was like, still doing that, huh?

And I go,

what?

He goes, you're not writing?

And I goes, he's like, it's 20 minutes.

You don't have a new 20 minutes.

And I was like,

he goes, well, you want to be like an actor or something?

And I was like.

And I was only a few years in.

It was like so cutting.

But it was the same kind of thing where I was like, oh, I'm being lazy.

Like, I haven't.

Yeah, he's telling you something.

He's fucking with you.

Yeah.

But he's also such a great, like, no matter what he says, you know, it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant.

And I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much.

Yeah.

But I mean, he really is fucking his mind.

Jeselnik has an ability to do that too.

Like,

we're like, with, with Dave, you never see the punchline coming.

Again, I have no idea where it's, you know, we write jokes, so you kind of know the fucking A, B, you never see it coming, and it annoys me.

And Jesel Nick, even though he's got kind of like a cadence and a pace, and you have an idea of where it might be, 90% of the time, I still don't see

it.

If you predict, you're like, this is going to be fucked up.

Yeah.

Or, like, and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be.

Yeah.

But you don't always know.

That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good.

With Colin again, I never see it coming.

When I don't see it coming, I'm like, fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's also, I can't watch guys.

I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing.

I know, I know.

Same.

That guy's better.

Yeah, it's upsetting.

Do you get those, those like weird petty, like, I don't say jealousies, but those weird, like, fuck, he's great, and I'm I'm just never going to be that.

Oh, yeah.

You do.

Yeah, for sure, man.

I mean, and then, and I think my maturity is in that, in accepting it.

Like, in the times when I go, well, how about he's just great?

You know what I mean?

It's like, it's like when you play sports, you're like, fuck, and someone's really, and then one day you just go, yeah, he's just the best guy on the team.

Like,

that's just what it is.

Right.

At what point do we let go of, I'm gonna, because there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one.

At what point do we say like, yeah, I'm good at what I i do but i'm not i'm not gonna be that guy and like when does that happen i mean i i don't i feel like i'm kind of i've i feel pretty much in that where i go you know i'm really lucky i'm really happy that i get to work and i have a fan base and you go yeah there's just days where you go like you know what I'm pretty uh proficient at what I do and some people really like it.

Yeah.

And then you go, when people talk about like the best of the best,

you go, it's these people.

And i guess like depending like i don't want to act like it's the same every day but i think there's a point where you just go yeah that's who they talk about they talk about those guys yeah and that's fine yeah i'm okay with it too i just don't know when it happened yeah like i don't know what the period was where you like you you kind of slide into accepting that and going yeah i'll be always be good at what i do and it's great and people some people like it and some people think it stinks yeah and that's fine yeah but that group I'm not in that group.

I don't know when I came to accept that.

Yeah, I know.

I think it's a,

I feel like it's kind of just this process because another year goes by and you're like, yeah, I'm not in that group.

Are you on lists?

I never wind up on lists.

Never.

I'm never on lists.

You see, some of that, a lot of that is like the machine too, of publicists.

And also, who's publishing that?

It's usually

a game of peeps.

It's not that that's a lot of it.

It's what

it is what it is.

It is what it is.

Those are

real.

It's not even to diminish those people who are super accomplished.

Sure.

But lists are PR machines.

That's what that is.

A lot of times people on a list, a lot of times all have the same PR person.

And sometimes they're plugged into this thing.

And, you know, it's almost like, I think the longer you do it too, when you start reading like reviews of a special and somebody's like, you'll remember where you were when you saw this.

You're like,

this isn't really accurate.

You know, this is just one person's feeling.

It's just like if I wrote it, it's just my feeling.

So, but yeah, on a top 10 list, I'm never on the list.

Top 10, I mean, I'm talking top 100.

I just

are both on the same list.

Okay.

You guys both are on the same list.

Well, some lists are amazing.

Segora and Norton, five.

Oh, and Netflix you need to watch.

There you go.

You guys were on the same list before you got this.

Did your producers make this up before?

Yeah, it's on fucking, it's on writersbone.com.

Thank you, Writer's Bone.

Got it.

I know.

There's never time.

It's also from 2014, Jim.

Oh, all right.

Well, I'm just seeing it.

I feel refreshed.

Do you feel better now?

New Center Conference.

Yeah, this is pretty great.

Can you find any more lists?

Like, good ones, though.

Oh, just.

Oh, 79 comedians to chat just.

We have to be on that, right?

Are we on?

Okay.

Oh, you made it.

Has a master of the fan base.

Cool.

What year is this?

This is probably oldie.

This is probably and nick schwartzon yeah this is oldie yeah this has got to be i'm going to guess this is 2015.

this is not a new list although mulaney's on it so maybe it's not that old what year is that from

2020

he's like the uh he's like the prototype when they go this is how you should this is a comedian yeah i think yeah he's handsome he's handsome great writer yeah very clever guy and a good performer it's always different yep yeah you look at him you're like yeah I get why he's really successful.

But here's the thing, Jim Norton, is that

if I want to hear about giving a five-year-old kid a blow job, I want it from you.

You're the only guy that can tell that story.

Well, when I was five, let's just clarify.

Not like now.

No, but

how did I get fired from driving a bus?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, sorry, when you were five.

But I mean, do you know what I mean?

Like, John Mulaney can't do that.

I don't want him to do that.

I don't want him to blow five-year-olds.

You know what I mean?

It's also my favorite, to add to that, it's my favorite type of.

You guys know what I'm fucking saying, you schmucks.

God, you guys are so immature.

Grow up.

To make it real clear, Jim is not talking about blowing.

Yeah, he isn't blowing five.

No, no, no.

I was also five.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm trying to give him a compliment.

Thank you.

The point is, I like, but I like the deep weirdos, and I've always liked that.

I always like the darker stuff.

And I'm not going to like,

I don't like the stuff everyone else likes.

You know what I mean?

I think it's more valuable.

Yeah.

That you're a bit of a dark horse, a weirdo.

I like that.

If you're hitting something in people or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good because that's what makes me laugh.

And again, it's the stupidest thing.

Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it.

But when you hear a comic hit something like that, it still makes me feel something.

yeah

i mean that's what politics is somebody says something that i feel in my guts and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel so yeah that's true you know it kind of works and the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who who wins yeah the guy who can tap into that yeah true story i like i i've always it's like the same reason like i don't watch pg movies

i like watching rated r movies like that's what i and I like watching rated R comedians.

Like, that's my favorite thing to watch.

Yeah, unless it's bad news bearish.

And then I think I like that.

I'm the new one was much better.

But yeah, I don't like PG movies either.

I just feel like, nah, they're going to censor something out that I want to see.

Yeah.

It's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit, which is such a great fucking hilarious movie.

There's a line where Jackie Gleason is like he sees the cop in the thing and he goes, Next time, wear a badge on you Didi.

And it was was covering the word dick.

But it's so bad.

It's such a bad after dub.

But you can see his mouth.

He goes, next time wear your badge on your dick, which would have been a really funny line.

Really funny.

But they, I think, didy.

Yeah.

Like your diaper, whatever that is, it was such a bad dub.

He's amazing in that.

So funny.

I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him.

He's the funniest fat guy ever.

Like, again, Belushi was great.

John Canny was great.

Chris Farley was great.

But in that realm of like larger-than-life fat guys,

nobody was funnier than Gleason.

Nobody.

So funny, especially in this movie.

Oh, my God.

Well, also, I used to watch.

I used to watch, as a kid, I would watch the

Newlyweds, right?

What was it called?

What was the show that he was on from like the fucking.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I used to watch that as a kid all the time.

He's like a it's like a clinic in funny natural acting.

And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like

they said if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to like remember a line.

Like he was just one of those guys that was just great in the moment, and the rest of them would want to rehearse.

I think Joyce Randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that.

Trixie, really?

Yeah, I think her brother was a lawyer, or her brother-in-law was a lawyer, and she signed something for like whatever she signed, but she wound up getting money over the years,

and the rest of them did not.

Holy shit.

Because back then it was live

and done, and no one thought it would be anything else.

Right.

Because syndication didn't exist until I Love Lucy, I think.

Oh, it's true, dude.

Yeah.

Audrey Meadows was the only cast member of the Honeymoon to receive residual payments for the show throughout her life.

This was due to a clause in her contract, which was the result of her manager's fire.

Oh, see, I got it wrong.

Okay, I thought it was Joyce Randolph.

It was Audrey Meadows.

Okay, it was one of them.

Bro, that's amazing.

Yeah, she was really funny, too.

She was like the first feminist on TV.

Like, she always won.

She was always right.

She was always smarter than her fucking husband.

And she brutalized him.

Yeah.

I mean, some of the lines were just, they were just

really, really monstrously funny things she got to say.

It's the best show ever.

It's an incredible show.

They couldn't touch sex.

They couldn't touch divorce.

They, you know, nothing that you can kind of, they had such a limited

boundaries to where they could work in.

Corridor.

Yeah, your boundaries.

And they were just.

You ever see the original Alice?

It just doesn't work.

No.

There's like an original Alice.

And I think she played a maid on later episodes.

But a couple of them, I think, I think her and Trixie were the second ones.

Great show.

Amazing.

You have never seen an episode you have to watch.

You've never watched the honeymoon?

I've never seen To the Moon, Alice.

Like, I know, I've seen takeouts or whatever.

Wow.

I've never watched a full episode.

No.

There's only 39 of the classic, like, there's other ones that were shot for, like, I think

Cavalcade of Stars, whatever the show is.

But the 39, like

the guts of the series episode, the big ones.

Wow, you've never seen them.

That's amazing.

No, I was watching Mr.

Ed growing up.

Mr.

Ed was good.

This is great.

And

the Jeffersons, but that's not black and white.

Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit.

Really?

Yeah, not well, but he would come around.

He was doing stand-up, and he would do me and Voss hung out with him.

And he's probably at that time the most famous person I'd ever been around because every homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson.

But he went on at Caroline's, and he, it was, he was like kind of a half-sold

room and uh he walked on to the Jeffersons theme song and he just did like you know 35-40 minutes of stand-up and I think he brought people on but it was it was nice to get to know him but yeah

you know nice guy sweet very nice guy yeah yeah yeah he kept in touch for a while and then he died oh man yeah that ended that let me um can I ask you to throw the cans on for just one second here so because I always

I think you're the perfect person to do this with.

Oh, great.

Is there, can you hear well?

I I know you have audio.

Yes, all good.

So we'll show you these videos.

Sure.

Just a few clips, and

you just tell me whether you think it's horrible or hilarious.

Okay.

So we just like to play these for people.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, he laughed, though.

It's both.

It's horrible and it's hilarious.

Yes, it's both.

It is both.

Just one more time.

Here we go.

See, I could see myself doing this.

Oh, yeah, we can all.

He just slid it.

Oh, dude.

Because you get confident sometimes around a pool.

You're like, I'm going to have fun now.

I'm a kid again.

And then, yeah, you forget that you can break everything.

And pool disasters are like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete and you smash your knees.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, pool disasters are terrible.

Steel and then or a shallow end.

It's all

it can all go sideways for you.

Yeah.

You can wind up at a wheelchair easy.

Oh, yeah.

This is pretty reckless.

These guys are kind of assholes, man.

Yes.

Like, people are standing around.

This is...

Oh.

Oh, that's not cool.

She's fucked up.

Yeah.

She's super fucked up.

She is, yeah.

But it's hard not to laugh because you know something's about to happen.

Yeah, you do.

And he's, and those guys are going, you know, that's definitely more than 30 miles an hour.

It's a dick move, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a dick move.

But again, I see the humor in it.

Watching somebody get flattened is always funny.

It's always funny.

Yeah.

Wow.

Is this how congested it is when you sled?

I don't know.

No, this is crazy.

And they're real crazy because, like, you could have cleared it.

You know what I mean?

You could have found a path.

No, it's not normally like this.

They just wanted to zip through people.

They wanted people as their obstacles.

Oh, dicks.

Well, then fuck you.

Oh, I don't like this one.

Oh, fuck it.

Okay, I like this one.

And that's not, I've seen really bad ones.

That wasn't bad at all.

No, no, because

it looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike.

Like the boys' bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash.

Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike?

Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too badly.

That's right.

And also, this is where you can tell that there's going to be a real problem is right when he's about to

get it.

He's reaching for it.

Oh, that's going to be bad.

Let's see.

Oh, the bar.

No, it doesn't look like a standard bar, right?

Right.

It It looks like, like, if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed.

But it looks like it's not.

It's almost like looking like an e-bike, maybe, because that's such a like a beach chunky area.

Cruiser, this isn't like a dirt bike, is it?

No, it's different.

He's he's using the wrong bike.

He is, yeah.

But he got lucky there.

Saved his balls.

Saved his balls.

All right.

This one.

His teeth are gone, but his balls are gone.

This is our final one.

There you go.

Oh.

Oh my god.

Did he lose his shoes?

What?

I mean, he lost his face.

He slid on his fucking face.

Oh, that one got me.

Yeah.

That one got me.

Oh,

poor fat idiot.

Having fun trying to prove that he still got it.

Yeah, he still got it with his buddy.

These are two.

They're two dicks and khakis.

God, wearing the same outfit, by the way.

They're wearing the same outfit, these fucking morons.

Oh, no.

Clearly been drinking.

Look at the stumble starts there.

Yeah.

That's where he starts to go wrong.

He's two blocks back and he's falling.

He hasn't run in.

But he's not wearing shoes.

That's the problem.

Because he probably had on dress shoes.

Yes.

And his friend goes, you want to race?

Like in the old days?

Yeah.

And he's going to take my shoes off.

Oh, is that fantastic?

The skin just came off his face.

And I so wish we had the aftershot of just

like missing face.

Do you ever see shots of that?

Like motorcycle accidents?

I've seen like a lot of videos of people who like have these awful motorcycle accidents and the fucking a piece of their half their face is gone yeah i can't get on a motorcycle no way i just saw a video of uh

of a tiger attacking a guy have you seen this was it in a cage in india yeah i think i think it's in some type of

like it it looks like it's um like there's no reason for a person to be there and other people be outside of it right so it must be like at a zoo or something but anyways he doesn't die and the aftermath is

insane i don't know if i saw how long did it last huh that sounds really nice yeah did you watch that on the toilet this morning i watched it last week yeah um

i don't know how long the attack so what happens is it starts with the there's tigers around this dude and then somebody shoots like they're trying to like make the tigers run and the tigers scatter but then one comes back and starts gnawing on the guy and clawing on him and then it just goes to the hospital footage and these wounds are just

i have it on my phone i'll show it show it to you yeah i would love to see it this is different the one i'm thinking of was in a zoo or something and he had jumped into like the tiger cage and the tiger was just walking around with him dragging him by the head and people were throwing things

it's crazy how

when an animal like that is eating someone

intervention doesn't matter to him

you're just dead you're doomed he's not afraid of people hitting him he's not intimidated by a lot of big cats too even in the wild they like to play with their prey before they eat it so sometimes people are like, oh, that's cute.

Like it's playing with that gazelle.

And you're like, no, it's going to eat it in a little bit here.

He's having fun right now.

There was one video.

It was

from an African safari.

And it was like, it was a,

it was either a gazelle or what it was one of those, a buffalo stuck in the mud, like up to the shoal, and the lions are just eating it alive.

And then they bite its asshole out

because I guess that's sweet.

But they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive nature is very unprepared yeah yeah and then intestines fall out and they're like this is delicious yeah well they like to eat the soft tissue first so that's why they'll eat organs like that first oh that makes sense so they'll eat like intestines and because they're like oh these are it's easier to eat and then they're like all right now we'll work through the tougher stuff yeah and then the buffalo is just standing there just

embarrassing those noises and you're like god

but you can never tell that's the the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole is being eaten out by a fucking predator.

You have no idea.

They're very hard to read.

That's very hard to read.

All right, the new podcast is called Jim Norton Can't Save You.

There's episodes out now.

You're going to have guests that you choose to have on whatever you want.

And you also have another podcast with Nikki.

It's called Sword Fight.

And, you know, we've just been doing it where

we have guests come on, and most of them are comics.

And I just wanted to do something with her because she makes me laugh.

That's awesome.

And yeah, we do it once a week, and I love it.

Um, thank you for coming in.

Oh, you guys are great, thank you.

All right, we'll see you guys next week.

Bye, from me,

Tommy,

Tommy,

Tommy, yeah,

just like, just

like the gays,

just like, just

like the gays,

just like, just

like the gays, just like, just

like the gays,

would you marry your son?

Uh, yes, of course.

My god, I wish I could.

Tommy, would you marry your dad?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course I would do it.

Christina, would you marry your son?

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you marry your dad?

Yeah, of course.

I live for this kind of shit.

Yeah.

Just like, just

like the gays.

Just like, just like the gays.

Just like, just

like the gays.

Just like, just like the gays.

Would you marry your mom?

No.

I think I'd marry my dad.

Yeah.

Would you marry your mom?

I don't know.

Please.

No.

Would you marry your dad?

Yeah, of course.

Yes.

Yeah.

Like, just

like the gays.

Just like the gays.

Like, just

like the gays,

like, just would you marry your dad?