Merry JEANS-mas! w/ Jeff Dye | YMH Ep. 790

This episode of Your Mom's House Podcast was brought to you by Rogue.

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

What's up, everybody?

It's Tom Segura.

We're almost into the new year, and I'll be bringing my come together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025.

January 18th, I'll be in Philadelphia.

I haven't been there in a while.

January 24th, San Francisco.

The 25th of January, I'm in Reno.

January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia.

And January 31st, Savannah.

February 1st, I'll be in North Charleston.

I can't wait to hit all these cities.

Get your tickets now at tomsgirl.com slash tour, and I will see you there.

Welcome, welcome,

welcome to your mom's house.

Bon giorno, welcome to your mom's house.

This is very exciting.

This is actually going to count as our Christmas episode because we don't have an episode Christmas Day.

we're taking the day off everybody's having the day off so this is our merry christmas episode it's baby yezushka's birthday he was baby yezushka was born and then he takes over the world real soon that's right and then he dies and then you push a rock away and 2 000 years later everyone's like that was the guy that was our homie he was the best yeah um we have so much fun stuff planned for today number one i'll let me just tell you you've noticed that my facial hair is different yet again so everyone's going to be like what's going going on?

Why do you look like a Latin mechanic?

And the reason is that I just finished finally wrapping up that television show.

It's the reason I had a shaved face, and it's the reason I have this goddamn goatee.

Um, it looks so good on you, uh-huh.

I like it, it reminds me of the 90s.

Yeah, the 90s were a good era.

You look good with it, yeah.

I'm just letting everything else come back.

So, if it were in fashion right now, I'd say keep it because I do enjoy it all.

And the cool thing is, it is not.

It's not in fashion right now.

You can't do it.

You can bring it back.

I think I'll just let the rest of the face come together.

Yeah.

So much

dimensions.

I don't even know where to start.

I guess we should start by pointing out that we have finally, after a lot of back and forth, a lot of really emotional chats.

We have welcomed back our

original booth crew.

That's right.

So they're here today, but they said that they wanted to say something before we moved on.

Yeah, you know, we all just wanted to extend our apologies.

I wanted to say

I extend my sincerest apologies for my inappropriate reaction during your moment of peril.

Laughing while you were choking was not my finest hour, and I promise it wasn't because I was enjoying your distress.

I'd like to formally ask for my job back.

I promise to show the utmost respect for your health and well-being moving forward.

Stupid.

I will also learn the Heimlich maneuver and have it on standby at all times and refrain from laughing at any other life-threatening situations.

Very well.

Are you happy?

I just wanted to hear the rest before I

commented.

Thank you for your understanding, if you have any left for me, and for considering my request to return.

If nothing else, I hope this apology serves as proof that I do, in fact, take you and your life very seriously.

That's a good apology.

Thank you, Josh.

It's ridiculous, Tom.

Your ego is just going to be a little bit more.

Okay, I wrote a letter to

Mr.

Tom Segura.

First, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my actions the other day when you nearly choked to death on the show.

In the moment, I unwisely believed that I was laughing at Christina's reaction to your convulsion, but I see now that that may be interpreted as me laughing at you.

and I should have known better.

You know, while cartel videos are something to laugh at, my boss choking definitely is not, especially with all you've been through with Invisalign this year.

Oh my god.

It was a rough year for me.

And

many people don't know the risks associated with Invisalign, so I did some research to educate myself.

And

some of those include tooth decay, allergic reactions, and gum disease,

which can lead to life-threatening situations.

I was trying to tell everybody, thank you for digging out those details.

So all this is to say that I feel, you know, dumber than a Chris, and I will certainly learn from my mistakes.

And, you know, I appreciate you letting me back in the booth.

And thank you for your service.

Thank you.

Thank you, Chat.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Tom, for enjoying these.

I don't think so.

You don't think so.

Is there anyone else in there?

Oh, yeah.

I'm in here.

Yeah, so I wrote, wrote a little something.

So,

I mean,

I wrote that.

I mean, I'm not going to lie.

I didn't really do shit, to be honest.

But at the same time, like, I ain't trying to put my man down.

You know what I'm saying?

So, like, if an apology is going to be what you need to feel right, like, we could go there.

Okay.

But, like, at the same time, like, I straight up, you know, I ain't really do shit like that.

Like, I already told you what it was.

So, like, you know, we could talk.

But, yeah, that's, that's, uh, I stopped writing.

Thank you.

I appreciate your choice of words, and I feel what you're saying.

It's a very unique way of doing it, and it's very any.

Well, yeah, I don't think that was an apology.

Well, it was

any.

It was, I know where he's coming from.

I said the word apology.

You didn't hear it?

No, I didn't.

Barely.

Yeah, you said, if you need one, I will be there.

Yeah, right.

So I get it.

I get it.

No, I get it.

I've been around you enough to know exactly how it works.

What was that?

What was that noise?

He was a Phlegmy cough.

That was disgusting.

It was what's called a

productive cough.

Should you be in the office with that?

Yeah, that was terrible.

And might I add, you know,

in addition to this lackluster apology that Annie just gave, I kind of enjoyed the other crew better.

Can I tell you something that I know what you mean because it was a young, fresh.

It felt so fresh and young and vibrant.

I don't know if they're experienced, though.

I think after a couple of weeks, you'd be like, oh, fuck, what's going on?

But because these guys, this is like the varsity team.

But it is fun when you bring your kids to school.

You know what I mean?

Like

bring your kids to work.

Is that what you think they were?

It was kind of, they were cute.

It was a much younger vibe.

It was much younger, much hipper.

The Googling was a lot slower, let's be honest.

They didn't really know what to do.

They didn't really know, but I enjoyed it.

But I have to pivot away from this because I actually feel like after a lot of thought, these guys weren't the worst when I nearly choked to death.

The worst person was definitely you.

And

it's been, it's not lost on me, and it's not lost on anybody that watched me basically hang on for my life and have my spouse mock me as I was on death.

So funny.

It's really crazy.

And then, you know what?

I wasn't really remembering this, but then somebody pointed something out.

Death's Jordan.

Yeah, I was.

So

we got this email.

I recently introduced my husband to the full YMH experience, episode 788, where Tom nearly dies

choking.

Right after finishing this episode, I wanted to show him more, and I clicked on the episode with Charo and Blanca.

In this episode, we noticed a moment where Christina chokes on water, and Tom shows genuine love and concern,

not laughter.

I felt like I needed to have Tom's back here and wanted to provide the evidence to help redeem him after the way he was treated.

I tune in weekly and have never wanted to write into the show more until this evidence presented itself.

However, I do, you'd ask Tom, please forgive the staff and your beautiful co-host.

Everyone deserves another chance.

Keep them high and tight.

Love Keely from Oregon.

Well, let's talk about it.

Let's see what she was talking about.

Let's see those.

I doubt

if he even noticed my trend.

Here's the difference.

Here's me hanging on.

Okay.

Here's me just

trying to live.

Hey, guys.

I was listening to this, to the Adrienne Appalucci episode.

By the way, she has a great new special out on

Netflix.

You guys are, of course, what?

I just choked for a second.

I can't choke.

Hey, fuck you.

It was just scary.

On Netflix.

I got scared.

I thought you were dying.

Everyone's fired.

Okay, first of all,

I'm being re-traumatized.

I'm just trying to show you something.

I don't like this at all.

I don't like where this is going.

Do you want me to hold your hand?

No, it's just about to be.

Seriously, I'm about to shut the studio down.

Okay, so that's how you react to your spouse literally having a life-threatening moment.

Netflix.

And then here's how this is the other way.

This is the only thing I'm going to say.

It's because she's a teacher.

It's the most annoying thing in the world that if you don't prove to Blanc, I'm already copying like 20 minutes.

It can be three days with

every message, anything I ever send to Maria, I send it until Maria.

So why

would I am the mother?

Don't you think I know what I'm doing with my daughter?

And it's still

choking.

You hold on like some

of the tea.

You keep moving your chair, by the way.

I was just choking.

This is ginger tea.

Okay, okay.

Sorry, go ahead.

Wait, so people who don't know, you guys are sisters.

Did we clarify that at the beginning?

You have to look at us and you know we're sisters.

Now,

this is

I mean, here's what I saw, Your Honor.

A woman coughing and choking for 20 whole minutes before her spouse even hears or acknowledges.

Okay, first of all, it was annoying to listen to.

Of course it's annoying.

Nobody wanted to hear that.

I don't want to cough.

My thing was just like, you're about to die.

And then I was like, you're good?

And you told me you're good.

I did not mock you.

Oh, my God.

The look of disdain, disdain, and annoyance at my coughing.

Well, everybody hated it.

Everybody hated it.

Because it was prolonged.

If you're going to choke, make it quick.

Don't fucking make it a whole show.

That was really long.

It was really horrible.

Do you you think I wanted to choke like that?

It sounds like you were looking for attention.

It didn't seem like you were wow.

Yeah, it was like, oh, is this moment not about me?

Wow.

That's what it felt like.

Bold.

Yeah.

Bold.

That is unbelievable.

Well, you think I deliberately choked so that you could ignore me for a while?

I think you put on a bit of a show.

I think you put on a bit of a show.

But I just want to thank Keely for pointing that out.

There's two different types of people.

Fucking Keely are good people.

Traitor.

And that.

So Keely's a gender traitor.

Let's.

Unbelievable.

I know.

Let's put choking past us, hopefully, for the rest of the day.

Yeah, and watch watch your Net Flea specials.

Okay, you've been a little mushmouth lately.

Let's get into the show.

You ready for the show?

I'm ready.

Let's do it.

Hey, everyone, James Nigemeyer here.

A lot of people have been hitting me up on Instagram and texting me.

Where's the merch?

And I appreciate everyone's patience through this entire process.

Finally, got it sorted out to DevilOriginals.com.

I'll post that information in the link below.

But here it is: James Niggemeyer merch ready to go.

They are live on the website now and available in medium all the way to triple extra large, available in gray and black.

Check them out at DevilOriginals.com.

Appreciate your patience.

Get your James Nigemeyer merch now.

He's a great fisherman.

I love

fishing.

Welcome to your mom's house

with Tom Sagura, Tom Sutsua,

and Christina Pajitsi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Hey everyone, James Niggen Meyer here.

So if you're into Bass Pro shop, fish style fishing and all that, he's one of the big stars.

He is.

Is he legitimate?

He's super legit, yeah.

He's got some new merch.

I'm just trying to help him.

That's why he's selling the merch for his skills.

Yeah.

He's a pro, man.

I didn't know that.

I can really fish.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you like fishing, watching fishing, that's your guy.

I had a feeling his audience likes a lot of the XLs.

Double X.

Goes up to Triple X, he said.

Yeah.

And it's still the holiday season.

If you want to rush, you can.

Get your James Nigamara merch now.

Oh, my God.

Get your merch.

Yeah.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, Jeans.

Merry Jeansmas.

Merry Jeansmas to you.

It's my favorite time of year.

It's not mine.

It's not my favorite time.

I love Christmas.

It's my favorite one.

But anyway, I thought I would bring some cheer to the world, joy.

And I noticed that you don't have any holiday cheer on.

That's why I brought you a little something to wear.

I don't want to do this.

You always look like a sad sad dog.

Thanks.

When you put like a costume on a dog.

Yeah.

That's exactly what you are.

Every time I dress you up for Halloween or Christmas cute,

so happy.

You always look like a sad basset hound.

You're like,

okay.

Well, thanks for that.

You got it.

There's a.

Yeah, there's Tom with his little Christmas cheer.

That's totally what you look like.

That's sad dog.

I'm a sad dog, everybody.

Yeah, but you look much more happy.

There's a new controversy.

I don't know if you're aware of this.

Sure.

What's up?

I guess I did a bumper that played on a bunch of episodes.

Yeah.

And everybody is saying that I misspoke in this.

And they're really coming down on me hard.

Would you like to see it?

Of course.

What's up, everybody?

What the fuck, dude?

What's everybody?

No, what's up, everybody?

No.

Yeah.

It's what's up.

What's up everybody?

What's up, everybody?

What's up, everybody?

What's up, everybody?

Why are you saying what's everybody?

It's what's up, everybody.

What's up, everybody?

Not what I heard.

If you're retarded,

what's up, everybody?

What's up, everybody?

What's up, everybody?

Your brain said, What's up, everybody?

Yeah, but your dumb, retarded mouth said, what's everybody?

No.

Yeah, your bass at hound mouth.

What's up everybody?

What's up, everybody?

Can I tell you something?

What's up everybody?

You need to be checked out.

I think you're going to have a stroke.

You're going to have a stroke pretty soon.

First, you're choking on a Netflix special, and now what's everybody?

Your brain and your mouth aren't working together anymore.

Okay, well, everybody is saying this,

okay?

Forgot the up with an RTD.

Yeah,

I agree, it makes you sound very retard.

I may be a poor, but I know words real good, and that's not how you say that.

Tom, this is so

what's up, everybody, everybody.

No, it's not what's up, everybody.

It is what's up, it is clear.

What's up, everybody, What's up, everybody?

It's Charles.

What's

up, everybody?

That may be closer to what it was.

What's up, everybody?

What's up, everybody?

What's up, everybody?

I didn't even hear the up, though.

I did.

You said it in your dumb brain.

The ghost of Larry King has been.

Passy?

You need to go to a doctor.

You're going to, you're, you're getting old.

Yeah.

What's everybody?

Fucking A.

It is what's everybody.

I hear what's everybody.

Mark,

woke

Walmart.

Yeah, that's where this is headed.

What's up, everybody?

That's where this is headed.

You're choking when you're talking.

Yeah.

Can't stand them.

Can't stop.

Yeah, you got it.

Soccer souffle.

You know what's the greatest part about the soccer souffle?

What's up, everybody?

Yeah.

Do it again.

What's up, everybody?

Yeah, it's what's everybody.

No, I hear clearly.

Guys, what do you hear in the booth?

I personally like my job and therefore

I refuse to speak on this.

He clearly says, What's up, everybody?

No, shut up.

Okay, you know what we need to do?

Take an anonymous vote because these people are scared of you.

Oh, bullshit.

What's everybody?

It's Charles.

That's what it sounds like to me.

Hey, everybody.

It's Charles.

Yeah.

What's everybody?

Yeah,

that's terrible.

It's what's everybody.

What's going on?

It's It's Charles.

Arian.

Oh, Charlotte.

Oh, say around 8 o'clock.

Oh,

greatest.

So I'm going to start going, what's up, everybody?

Yeah.

Enunciate.

Oh, shush.

You're an actor.

You're doing stuff in showbiz.

Yeah.

You've got to enunciate.

Fine.

And I just, for the record, you waited a long time

before you intervene with my choking episode.

And I'm getting angry thinking about it even.

Yeah, I was already

good.

I wish you'd.

Wish what, Tom?

I wish you'd never choked.

I'm just really worried about it.

I was super concerned.

You know what?

What?

I think it's a perfect time to give you my Christmas gift.

It is the Christmas episode.

I have one for you too, ready?

Oh, shut up.

It's a video.

It's a puke video.

Why are you always trying to fight somebody, bro?

I don't care.

I am from the streets.

And gang, gang, bitch.

Yeah.

Because I am from the same streets.

You are not from the streets.

Yes, I am.

Because I am about to live like bro.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh.

It's like you and the kids playing PlayStation.

I hear you guys downstairs.

Merry Christmas.

I loved it.

I know.

And we love.

I love.

So funny.

You hit a bat.

Dang.

And, you know, someone like that, you keep saying, oh, no, you're not.

That bat will come swinging at you.

Oh, for sure.

That's the danger of playing with, you know,

not a lot of impulse control.

No, in any direction.

Sexual eating.

Fighting.

Fighting.

Swinging a bat.

Swinging a bat.

Look what you fucking did.

And they go, yeah, sorry.

But that's why I like,

I mean, I've said this before publicly.

There is a chain of stores here in austin texas and they i think exclusively employ downs and people who are challenged and i take our kids there just to experience that just to be like hey there's different types of people and i love that they employ those folks you know and because that's what we used to do in the 80s you would go and you would at gelson's the bagger would be special needs or something and it was way more normal it felt way more normal to be like, Here's Mikey, Mikey.

And then they always want to help you to your car

to the store.

It's very sweet.

No, Mikey's my favorite.

Yeah.

And I tip him, like, I give him like $10.

And it's like, it's the most amount of money

for him.

And he loves it.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

It's really nice of you.

I'm serious.

You ever give a Down syndrome kid $10?

I've never done.

I've been giving them a million dollars.

Okay.

So, what's the gift that you have?

Oh, I forgot.

I got so excited thinking about Mikey.

Yes, I know.

Okay, it's in the folder there, right, Josh?

No, hold on.

Hold on.

I really want you to prepare yourself and ground yourself.

Shit.

Take your shoes off, go outside, walk in the grass.

Really feel the earth.

Feel my love for you.

Okay.

Here you go.

Happy, Merry Christmas.

Coffee time.

Strong black coffee.

Best drink of the day.

And today is a special coffee time, Tom.

It's coffee time just for you.

And I've got it on good authority.

I have.

Christina tells me you like a little bit of milk in your coffee.

Well, I think I could do that for you, Tom.

I'm sure I've got some milk somewhere for your coffee.

A little splash or Mickey, yeah, Mickey just right for you.

A hot, strong, black coffee with a splash of milk.

You'll enjoy it, I'm sure.

Hey, Tom, enjoy your coffee.

And Christina sends a love,

and so do I.

Have a great day.

Thank you.

I love how you're

blushing.

Well, for people that don't know, every morning Christina sends me a video of this lady.

Catherine Cann.

Her name is

just a lady.

Morning.

At Catherine Cann69 on Instagram.

Every morning, I open my phone, and it's this lady going, coffee time.

Strong

black coffee.

Back drink of the day.

And then it's just that.

And there's a thousand variations of it.

And every day I'm like, right, good morning.

It's every day.

But I love Catherine Can69 on Instagram.

She also has an Etsy store, Catherine's Chest on Etsy, where she sells her coffee time mug.

So thank you so much, Catherine.

Yeah, that's very, very nice of you, Catherine.

And this is a perfect segue.

Perfect segue.

We actually have to tell everybody.

This is a YMH exclusive.

YMH exclusive.

YMH exclusive.

Coffee time.

This is as fucking big as it gets.

What?

Chips in a bowl?

Chips in a bowl.

Yeah.

It doesn't get any bigger than this.

No.

In just just a few days, there's going to be a new resident of Austin, Texas.

Oh, that's right.

I don't think the audience knows.

I don't think we've told them.

Well, well, I guess it's official.

Charo is moving to Austin.

Yeah.

So.

Now.

We have been talking to her, of course, about coming in here more and getting involved in podcasts and whatnot.

But you know, she's 80 years old.

She is a retiree,

and she's always telling me, She's like, You know, I don't have your income, I need help.

Like, she's always just like, Can you pay for my gas today?

Like, it's just insane.

So, I'm like, Look, why don't you fucking do something?

Like, do something to generate a little extra revenue in your life.

And she's like, What?

And so, over Thanksgiving, we introduced the idea of her getting an OnlyFans going.

And

it was the best conversation ever.

I laughed so hard.

Because everybody at the table was like, yeah, you should.

And she's like,

what?

So anyways,

we told her that this lady, is her name?

Catherine Cann.

I go, look, why don't you?

These are the things I told her.

I go, people will pay.

What is it?

$5.99, $6.99.

What's the monthly?

It's whatever you want it to be.

Okay.

So I was like, yeah, I said something like five bucks.

Yeah.

And people, I go, will subscribe to you.

And then you put out things like this where you say like, good morning.

Yeah.

And I say, you go, you have a great day.

And

I said, people will watch you just like if you just want to set up a camera and go about your morning routine in the kitchen.

Yeah.

And I go, and then maybe.

Every once in a while, you let a little fart go, you know?

Oopsie.

And she goes, I don't want to do it i go no no you don't have to make like very

i go just like yeah just like oh there's one there yeah and you don't even have to look at the camera you just let it go and you go about your morning and she's like

what

and then i was like you know and the people will like message you and you can message people like just you know you don't have to be like It doesn't have to be like super it doesn't have to be sexual.

No, which by the way

was how that platform started.

It was just supposed to be

for people that that just wanted to engage with fans, and it morphed into this thing.

And then they did this, this, I guess, second play where they've, as a platform, they've been like, no, this is, you know, DJ Khaled has one of these of like, hey, I'm grilling in my, it's supposed to be access to people, right?

And they just had allowed for the sexually graphic stuff to happen.

Point being, I've been encouraging her to do this.

That's money on the table.

And what I would love to ask you,

the viewers and the listeners of this show, please, please, please record a short five, ten second video, tag at YMH Studios on Instagram or on Twitter, or you can email in your momspodcast at gmail.com and just say, like, all masking, because we want to put together a montage for her of like showing her the potential of doing this.

Just a video being like, hey, I'm so-and-so, I'm Jim, I'm James, I'm Melissa.

And Charles, I heard you're considering OnlyFans.

I would love to sign up for a monthly OnlyFans

with you.

And say how much you can do.

And then be like,

I would pay $5, $10 a month for that.

And I'd love to see a good morning from Charlie.

And let us build this mega montage where it becomes undeniable, where she goes, she's like, shit, is that like 100 people saying that they want to sign up for it?

And then we'll get her to say her good mornings and to greet you and have a little, and then we'll gradually just try to ease in some fart content in there.

But I need your help.

I need your help.

So please, this is what YMH is all about.

Please, let's work together on making this happen.

Just a short,

just has to be a few seconds.

Say your name and say, Charo, I'd love to sign up for your OnlyFans and spend $10, $5 a month and tag at YMH Studios on Instagram or send it in, Twitter, or even email it, your momspodcast at gmail.com.

Thank you so much.

I'm really looking forward to this.

And I must say that Catherine Cann, 69, brings me so much joy.

She does.

She does.

Because I can tell how sincerely she wants me to have some strong black

coffee.

And it is the best drink of the day.

And it's so simple.

Yeah.

And it's so inviting.

And, you know, there's a lot of people out there who would love to have a good morning.

Speaking of Christmas.

Why?

I have been pretty relentless i would say without overdoing it speaking of my love of rogies yeah you know and i made a call i told them i was like i love these

things i i introduce them to people all the time wherever i go i'm like if you had a rogue i just do it and it's a genuine thing there's rogies on your nightstand there's rogies on the floor there's rogies in the bathroom i get people in i get people into rogues everywhere i go and so i said on this podcast i love it i love it they sent me a present no

oh my gosh.

I don't think you deserve any presents because you watched me choke die.

Check it out.

Thanks, Rogue.

I got the present.

It says, Flavors that pack a punch.

Wow.

Let's see.

It's a cool little box.

Oh, shit.

Hey there.

Thank you.

Take a punch of spearmint.

I love spearmint.

It's a really nice box, Tommy.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

And

it's flavors that pack a punch.

Which flavors are there?

They came with gloves.

Oh.

Fuck yeah.

I like when companies do cool shit for their promotion.

That's a terrible sound to do in the microphone.

And I think people listening in earbuds were not happy about that.

Nobody liked that.

Oh, my God.

Nobody likes that shit, dude.

That's what your mom's house is all about.

Doing shit nobody likes.

It's showing stuff you don't want to see and hearing things you don't want to hear.

So true.

Welcome to your mom's house.

That's so true.

That's our slogan.

All things terrible.

Oh, man.

This is awesome.

Wait, what flaves did you get?

Okay, so they sent me

Experiment, which I've

awesome.

Mango.

I've never had mango.

Okay.

Peppermint.

I've definitely had.

I have peppermint in my pocket.

Okay.

What else do they have?

Citrus.

This looks like a new bold citrus.

What else?

Wintergreen?

I've had those.

They're delicious.

I love winter green flavors.

Apple.

Shit.

What?

This is super exciting.

Thank you, Rogue.

These are flavors that indeed pack a punch.

Wow.

So,

let me get this off.

Jesus.

And the slamming of the box.

Nobody wanted that.

Okay, what should I start?

I've never tried citrus.

Try citrus.

Yeah.

Would you like to try one?

No, because I've got this beautiful lipstick on that I sell.

It's called Berlin.

You mind if I try one?

Hell yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Which one do you want to try?

Should have the one you want.

What are you doing, a mango?

Well, I just tried citrus.

Oh, citrus.

Do you want to try citrus?

All right, come try it.

This is awesome.

Rogies.

All the boys in Austin are into their rogues.

Yeah.

Rogues are the worst.

You guys are all into this.

Tom, is it okay if any grabs me one?

Yeah, of course.

Of course.

And there's other flavors if you want to try.

Thank you, Citrus.

All the boys in Texas.

That's really nice of them.

What a nice thing.

That's very nice of them.

By the way, thank you.

Tried not to overdo my desire for more rogues, but this is very, very, very appreciated.

I really do enjoy it.

Okay.

I feel like Catherine Can is like the ghost of my Christmas future.

Like, maybe that's why I like her so much.

I feel like she and I look alike.

And if I had my real tits, that's exactly like.

This is you in the future.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, yeah, I identify with her.

Yeah, you should identify.

I identify with her, too.

Coffee.

Coffee.

Strong black coffee.

There's other...

Well, this is, I don't even know where to go.

There's so many fucking places.

There's so many places to be.

Okay.

I think because

there's so much happening in our YMH crazy world.

There's so much happening.

I'm going to put these here so I can grab rogies whenever I want.

This is part of our set deck now.

I love that.

Okay.

So

this is, I think,

last week we all fucking lost our goddamn minds when for the first time in, I don't know,

well, ever, but in years we actually heard something from

Tony Johns, right?

And we got this crazy update from him.

And

what we learned, Gene, is that this guy has

completely

changed his life.

Tommy, I have to tell you that since we spoke with Tony Johns,

I've been thinking about him and just really happy for him and really blown away by his ability to work himself off the list of cool guys.

It's never happened in YMH history.

And I just hope that we can continue to encourage him to stay off the cool guy list.

It's never happened.

I don't think we've ever taken a guy right off the cool guy.

Off the list.

I feel like once you're cool, it's pretty cool.

You're cool for life, bro.

So I'm so proud of him that he's cleaned up and that he has a job and that he has a girlfriend and he's reunited with his family.

And it sounds like things are going really, really well for him.

Yeah.

And that being said, I was wondering if it's okay with you if we could take his portrait off the cool guy wall because he's not a cool guy anymore.

He's not a cool guy anymore.

It's the first time we've taken a cool guy off the wall.

I think he's earned it.

Wow.

Should we take Tony Johns off the wall?

Take him off.

Take him off.

Let's see.

Here he goes.

See you later, Tony Johns.

He's off.

Wow.

Here you go, Tony.

But also,

not,

we don't want to put him like completely away.

Do you know what I mean?

I think you should.

Really?

You think he's got okay?

He's done.

Yeah, he's off.

He's off.

And I also have a Tony John update here.

Okay.

Here it is.

This is the update that we got.

This came in later in the day day after we recorded.

So here you go.

Just want to let everybody know, you know, I've got a lot of anxiety tonight.

My balls are smoking.

Fuck, man, lost my job, dude.

There's just a lot going on, man.

Fuck.

You know what?

It's just wild, man.

Because you know what?

When I get anxiety, I get very, very horny and I get very, very anxious.

And I get a lot of anxiety.

And I'm just being straight up.

My balls, they are smoking tonight.

Fuck.

Man.

No, he lost his job.

He lost his job the day that we talked to him.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Don't do it.

It's bad.

All right.

And then

he talked to Josh Potter on behind the screen.

Oh, he did.

Yeah.

You mentioned you're working at Lowe's now, and I saw some of your Instagram.

That's cool.

I mean, hey, dude,

what are you doing out at Lowe's?

Ah, man, dude, they can me Friday.

No,

why did they do that?

What happened?

Breaking news here on behind the jeans.

What happened?

They claimed it was for attendance, but like, I, it's iffy, man.

I don't think, you know, I just, I don't know, man.

It's just real iffy.

Heather wants to know: should we start beef with Lowe's?

Do we got to get on the anti-Lowe's train?

Oh, no.

No, man.

We'll make Lowe's regret this.

We can do that.

There you go.

We stand with Tony Johnson.

Always.

Yeah, what a bummer, though, man.

I think it's.

Yeah, I know what to do.

Yeah, I think it's

time.

Back on the wall, dude.

Yeah.

I think it's probably best.

No, you can't see the thing.

You can't even get a girl to fucking hang something up, right?

That's as good as that's good.

Well, now that he's back, I think it deserves another, you know.

Well,

I hope Tony

finds another gig.

I think it's important, you know.

I think it's really important.

He needs a job ASAP.

He's in ASAP.

Upstate New York, is that right?

I think Rochester area.

Oh, okay.

Well, there's plenty of places there you can get a job.

Good job.

Please.

He needs to get a job to get his life together, to have somewhere to go every day.

And his balls are full right now.

And

that's dangerous.

Yeah, they're smoking.

He said his balls are smoking.

He's like, my balls are smoking right now.

Well, did he lose his girlfriend, too?

They didn't mention anything about that.

My balls are smoking.

His balls are smoke.

But it is good.

I get anxiety.

I get very, very horny.

It's good to see him back, though.

Why am I happy to have the old Tony Johnson?

Well, it's familiar.

Yeah.

You know, it's a trauma you know.

It doesn't feel good, but it feels familiar.

Yep.

Oh, man.

Yep.

Fucking Lowe's.

Binge fucking Lowe's, eh?

Yeah.

How could they let Tony Johns go?

Don't they know who they have?

That's a celebrity.

I know.

Fuck.

For attendance, he said.

Yeah, well, he said it's very iffy.

Yeah.

He's like, they said it's a tardiness or attendance, but it's real iffy right now.

Like, I'm not really sure what that means.

It sounds like a fucking, you know,

something that, you know,

somebody cool would say.

What happened at your job?

Ah, some iffy shit.

I'm not quite sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, I hope it gets.

yeah.

So, by the way,

we haven't really discussed it, but you know, it's really crazy the way the United Healthcare shooter story has evolved and how a lot of the internet isn't just,

you know, ideologically

kind of siding with this guy, but like the man that he murdered, you know, represented the healthcare industry, which is obviously, it's a horrific reality in this country that healthcare is just,

it's, it's, it's so set up seemingly to not take care of people.

And, you know, people get denied coverage and they're spending so much money.

It's a shit show, right?

That stuff aside, saying, let's just take, take out his reason on that side.

The internet has flipped for this guy as being a hottie.

Have you done a dive on this?

Not really.

I don't want to.

Well, I just wanted your opinion on his level of attractiveness.

Oh, are we doing this now?

Well, why not?

I mean, it's the story.

It's the vision.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

I mean, look at those abs in that photo.

Yeah, and I'm trying to think, has there been a hot killer like this in the past?

And also a hot killer who people, it's interesting because it's kind of doubled up.

If he was objectively unattractive, he would still have people going.

you know, cheering for him because of they hate the healthcare industry and they're like, this had to happen.

But the fact that it happened and he's viewed as an attractive person, it's just it, everything kind of morphs and changes where they go, yeah, I side with you.

Also, I like you even more because they find him attractive.

The gays lost their mind for him.

Is that right?

Oh, yeah.

Gay, gay Twitter

was on fire when they caught this guy.

And

a lot of women, a lot of young women are just being like, yeah, this guy's, he's it, you know, which has always been a thing.

Killers always get the chicks.

The chicks, we know that, sure.

Now, does he have an OnlyFans?

He doesn't.

I heard rumors, and I don't know if this is true, that he was openly bi.

Oh, even though.

So maybe that got people even more fired up.

Yeah, because that's, you know, what?

In the rock and roll world, that's what you want.

You want guys and girls to want to bang you.

It's that David Bowie thing.

Does it say anything?

Where did?

Okay.

Oh, this is great about the internet.

You just right away.

One of the

McRib.

Can you make that bigger?

One of the related terms that comes up in Google when searching the name of the UHC shooter is, is Luigi Mangioni bisexual?

It might seem like a pretty strange thing to focus on,

but obviously things went viral.

26-year-old was arrested last week.

It's been a wild seven days that he was killed in a premeditated, pre-planned, targeted attack outside an NYC hotel.

He was on his way to speak, blah, blah, blah.

Where does it get to that part?

X-Users in particular were positively tripping over each other to see who could post the horniest response to the photos.

It was at its core an outlet for people's intense frustration about the U.S.

healthcare crisis, as well as a distraction.

Okay.

I like his smile there.

I have to admit.

So, you know, this is one of the reasons why this is basically why he got caught.

This is like, well, I'm sure there was other physical evidence that could have led to him being caught.

He did have prints there, you know, the shell casings, footage elsewhere.

But this was the first time he lowered his mask.

It was reported to flirt with, like, to smile at one of the, like, the

sales lady at Starbucks or something.

He was like, hey, or at the hostel.

So that's what gave, you know, the image of his face.

So still, we're still not seeing why

where this came from, the buy stuff.

I don't know.

This is still not it.

A small but vocal minority of LGBTQ plus people started at that point to claim him as one of their own,

despite any evidence other than his love of artists beloved by the queer community.

At that point, several users began to call Mangioni gay and shared unconfirmed photos of his, quote, boyfriends.

However, the Luigi Mangioni is bisexual rumor really took flight at 7.45 UK time when they discovered when the X account, which covers University of Pennsylvania campus culture, treated breaking by confirmed, along with unverified screenshot of what it looked like, a text message that read, a friend of mine made out with him when he was a student.

For those curious, he is bi.

Again, that's just somebody.

I know.

That's so fun.

That's just somebody's tweet, right?

And then it led to...

an immediate spike in Google searches.

Anyway, I don't know if it goes on from there.

There is no evidence that he is bisexual.

Yeah, I don't, I don't, do you read him as bisexual?

Well, I don't, I mean, I don't have really much to read on other than like the case and like a mug shot.

I don't really know.

I read, I know that he was valedictorian of his extremely elite prep school.

I saw the clip of

no, I'm saying I saw him speak briefly in that.

Nothing in that would

prompt that.

The fact that he has great abs is pretty gay.

Or just just young.

The fact that you're young is gay.

No,

26, it's easier to have a great physique, but I mean, nothing about that, obviously.

Now, then

there was a photo of him holding his dick.

But when that came out, I was on set when that was like being passed around.

And one of our directors was like, that's a Photoshop.

Like, he was like, here's the blur line or whatever.

I don't know if that's true or not.

I would say

I saw a pose of him with like hand over like this.

I was like, that's a gay pose.

That's a gay pose.

If you see that pose, you'd be like, I don't know that straight, like, can you pull up his

nude photo and tell me if you think a straight guy does this pose?

Because I think it's the only thing where I go, that's kind of gay.

This one?

Yeah, that pose.

Okay.

Does a straight guy ever like?

Would you guys ever pose like that?

No.

I feel like that's the gayest evidence I've ever seen.

And he's wearing those tidy-widey types and he's American.

I think that's more of a

gay body.

Well, the pose and the tightness of the panties, yeah, that's leans more gay guy stuff.

I also don't like how bro kept the underwear on.

That's kind of crazy.

Yeah, like if you're going to do all that, just like

that's what was considered the I don't know if that's him.

That's more hetero.

That feels gay, it feels very gay.

Because even as a woman, I'm like, yeah, but I'm not, you know,

women don't.

I don't want that.

I'd like our gays and

gays and straights to weigh in.

Is that pose gay?

That hand, that arm behind the shoulder.

It feels to me

very gay.

What's everybody doing?

Do you agree or no?

It's super gay.

Pretty gay.

It's pretty gay.

I would kind of wonder what women think about it.

I think it's gay.

Is he doing it for women?

What are their thoughts?

Yeah.

No.

Like, if you asked a guy for a photo and he sent you that.

No.

Can let me tell you something.

The only thing I'm wondering, though, is if the fact that he's holding, because it's always weird when you're holding a phone to like make a pose, so maybe that's making it weird.

Right.

No, that's a good point.

Listen, but in today's world, you can put the phone, you can set the timer, and you can go pose.

You know what women like is in terms of naked bros?

Can you listen to me?

I'm trying to tell you something.

Yes, yeah.

You just,

I was like, that's

okay.

Go ahead.

That got violated.

There might be one pose in the history of dick pic poses

that is somewhat alluring to me as a woman, and that's the Burt Reynolds lying on his side because you knew that Burt was slang and dick to women.

Here's the thing.

If you didn't know who Burt Reynolds was, that doesn't scream.

necessarily masculine.

That's a famous.

Can we look at it?

It's more masculine than...

Okay, the panties are.

I know, but I'm saying that

it's a hardcore masculine guy, and you know that that's Bert Reynolds.

Yeah.

But that pose itself is it could be hardcore gay, too.

Totally.

But hold on.

The thing that makes that pose gay, standing in the doorway is that his panties are halfway down.

As if to say, hold on.

As if to say,

I'm going to bend over and a guy's going to fuck me from behind.

That's what I read into that story.

Yeah.

There's the wider one if you scroll up.

And he's laying on a bearskin rug and he's he's got a cigarette.

But see, like, you know, that's Bert, who was slanging dick into ladies forever.

That's true.

But if you were just like, this is some guy,

yeah, could be a gay man, but this might be the only nude photo of a man that I'm like, ah, that's tasteful, I like that.

Just men are not great

nude, and you don't even see his dong there, which is like, thank god.

Oh, you don't really, you know, unless it's the Lakers, you want to see all those dongs running, but you don't want to see them

like that.

But anyway, I think the panties down under the knees

is a submissive, come fuck me in the ass.

Yeah.

And then this is, this is totally

feminine.

Yeah.

It's a feminine pose.

Well, here's the thing.

I've always said this.

We tackle the real issues on this show.

And I was dying to get your take on it.

Well, hold on, let's go see the back.

What kind of products does he have in his bathroom?

Maybe those are clues to his level of heterosexuality.

Could be.

I'm going to see if we could zoom in there.

Could be.

Straight guys don't wash their face, right?

There shouldn't be any facial wash.

I don't know what all that stuff is.

Nope.

He's fucking jacked, though.

Yeah.

Which, like, I, you know, it's point important to say, also,

pretty gay.

Pretty gay.

I think he's gay, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, well, we cracked the case.

We cracked the case.

It's confirmed.

We did it.

We did the research.

Yeah.

He did research.

Oh, wait, there's another woman in the booth now.

Dan is a woman.

Is that a gay pose?

Yes.

Very gay.

It feels like, right?

Yeah.

Is your take that he is gay, or are you undecided?

Yeah, I'd say he's pretty gay.

I'd say so.

All right.

The pose, this alone, first of all, straight guys just send you their dicks, right?

Like a straight guy, I don't know either, but from what I've heard, from what I've heard, when girls get sent dick pics, right, Niana, isn't it just the dick?

And you're like, thanks for this dick.

Guys don't have the wherewithal to like pose.

Oh, that's a good angle.

I look good here.

It's not, guys are not like that.

Yeah.

They're just not as calculated, like straight guys, I mean.

You know, we also have never had a.

Hold on.

I've cracked the case entirely.

Okay.

Go back to all the photos.

He's got curly hair.

Yeah.

Hold on.

See how he styled it and gelled it?

Click on that.

Well, that's got him got arrested.

That's his arrest photo.

Doesn't matter.

He looks really good.

And you know how hard it is to manage curly hair like that?

Josh Zolo knows.

Josh Zolo's hair doesn't look as good as his arrest photo.

Yeah, it's a nightmare.

But look how good he styles it.

No, but that's not styled, is my point.

That's nice, but he still looks good.

That's years of maintenance and proper product, conditioners, all that shit.

Also, and what does that tell you?

Gay!

Yeah.

Damn, that's a good show.

Yeah.

All right, sorry.

What were you going to say?

No, it was just, you know, we're really.

Oh, also, the fact that this is.

Here's another thing that's pretty gay.

Yeah.

Ready?

Yeah.

He's very smart.

Oh, super homos.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They are the smartest.

But I mean, when you have somebody who's really fit, fit,

really well read.

I mean, this is valedictorian.

He went to an Ivy League.

Suppose he went to the University of Pennsylvania.

He got, I think, a degree in mechanical engineering.

Gay.

Yeah.

I mean, these are some of the gayest things I've ever listed.

So gay, yeah.

Loves Britney Spears and the Sabrina fucking whatever, Carpenter.

Yeah.

These are, I mean, these are just gay building blocks.

So true.

And Happy Meals, super gay, too.

He

3D printed his gun.

I mean, that's a thing.

oh, he did, yeah.

That's okay, so so I was gonna ask you, how did he learn to shoot if he's so gay?

Hold on, because shooting is a straight guy activity, pretty much.

How did he learn to shoot then?

I don't know, pew, pew, pew, like that, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Yeah, these are just so many.

So, now he's now the little gay details, but then, yeah, you throw in a curveball, like, why are you shooting?

I don't know.

How are you shooting?

Yeah,

it's all very fascinating.

Gosh.

Anyway.

Hot and evil.

We will revisit this topic, obviously, as we learn more.

But looks really do help you in life across the board.

My goodness.

I think more people are sympathetic to this guy than would a lot of people would be sympathetic because of the healthcare world, but it brings even more people over when they find the person attractive.

And hello, I'm into murders now.

Yeah.

And also realizing how, like, oh, we go look for the white blonde girl the most.

Yes.

Right.

Like, if it's a white blonde lady who goes missing, uh-oh, you better look out.

They're on the case.

Yeah.

Anyone else, they're like a shoe brunette.

Forget about it.

You watched, you finally watched American Nightmare.

Buddy, I've watched the Madeline McCann story.

I'm back.

I'm into John Benet Ramsey, and I just finished American Nightmare.

And American Nightmare, a lot of details I feel

are not really present in the story.

I don't mean spoiler alert for anybody that hasn't seen it.

Can I tell you my true opinion or you want like

another flavor?

The FBI

investigator who's dating Andrea, his ex-girlfriend,

I think he ordered the hit.

Maybe he was jealous of the ex-guy fucking his girlfriend.

Yes.

Andrea.

And he ordered that creepy guy, Mueller, to go kidnap.

You think an an FBI guy?

Yes, because

he was so quick to be like, no, no, no, no, no, those two did it.

Those two did it.

Remember, he like steered the investigation away from even looking for the potential suspects.

So I think there's something there that the FBI guy is corrupt, and they didn't even investigate him or anybody.

I don't know about that.

I mean, it's an interesting proposal.

What I really thought

was the real lesson here is there are

tells in behavior that we all register as normal.

Normal is a term that people think of as relative, but the reality is there are objective normals.

So like, in other words,

you know, something horrible happens to a family member, there's a, there's a normal way that people react.

Yeah.

When they pulled, when you watch this doc, and we are spoiling it, if you want to skip ahead, but

when they first, the first episode focuses on the boyfriend at the time, the way he is in the interrogation room is so peculiar.

It's so outside of the range of normal behavior for an interrogation that you're like,

this is not, something's up with this dude, right?

And it ends, and then episode two

focuses on the woman that was kidnapped, and her behavior in the interrogation is also.

outside of the norm, of normal behavior, which again, you go, oh, now we're going to get to how this is like what really happened.

And to learn that they were actually telling the truth and that their behavior was, in fact, genuine was to me the biggest surprise of the entire story.

The way that they behaved in their interrogations after going through something traumatic was so outside of the realm and the spectrum of normal behavior that I couldn't believe.

I was like, I would have bet, I mean, I know that obviously when you make a documentary,

you can produce moments, but you're not producing the moment of them answering the questions in the interrogation room.

And he's like, yeah, came in and put goggles on us and then was like, drink this.

And then they, you're like, this is, there's no like

panic or something.

Agreed.

I agree.

There's no strength.

He's calm and he's collected.

And I think that might be because in his interview, he says, I trusted the police.

I went to them looking for help.

So imagine if you assume that you're being assisted, but then the interrogator already has it in his mind that this is guilty.

Well, he has that in his mind because that is how police investigators are trained.

They're trained to go into a store, into a crime like that.

And if there's somebody there who is present that is close to the person that is missing.

99% of the time it's the boyfriend.

They have to do that.

Of course.

They really let those people down, especially when they pivot to like fucking burn that bitch to the ground.

I know.

So why would, but I'm saying, why would that police department not look forward to that?

Well, they ended up having to pay them quite a sum of money for being shitty, but it's a fascinating story.

And we just ruin it for everybody.

But

just fast forward to our conversation.

All right, let's take a quick break.

Yeah, yeah.

And we'll be right back.

And once again, Merry Christmas.

Ready in five, four.

It's ready in Khamash.

Alba, Shalosh.

Time in.

And we are back.

And joining us is a comedian whose latest special The Last Cowboy in LA is available now on YouTube.

You can get tickets at jeffdie.com.

It's Jeff Die, everybody.

What's up, you guys?

Thanks for having me.

Love what you've done with the place.

Thank you.

Congratulations on this special.

Thank you very much.

Where'd you shoot?

In Nashville at a place called the Electric Jane, which is awesome.

It's a music venue.

Nashville's a great comedy town.

It was awesome.

Yeah.

I don't know a lot about Nashville, and every time I go there, I kind of have a different experience.

And I'm like, I like this place.

People always like have it as the sister city to this city.

Oh, really?

Yeah, they think, I think there's some similarities to it.

Yeah.

It's a big city, but it's got that country thing.

Got a country feel to it.

Accessible city.

There's more people there than the city is built for, just like Austin.

It's like it's cool.

Yeah.

It's growing.

If you have a cool town, we will ruin it.

We will all move there and ruin it.

And a lot of bachelorettes, they have that thing where you ride on the golf, the cart, and you guys get to get drunk as you pedal

I would hate to start the podcast on a negative note, but I I don't hate anything more than that.

Yeah, you'll see it here.

You'll see it's popular here.

I hate it so much

because also if you want to drink enough fun just go do it Why do you have why do we have to be part of it?

Like what yeah, like why is a guy working I have to hear you shouting fallout boy and like you're like the guy's like working like why did the bar come to me out here?

It is a bummer.

And I always, every time I'm down, because you always see it downtown, when you see that, I always think about a truck hitting them.

I would love that.

Yeah.

I know that sounds terrible, but I hate it.

It's so much lying.

Well, I just don't like the idea of getting drunk and exercising at the same time.

Well, it's hard.

You don't even have to pedal.

That's the big coup about it, is they're not even

part of the system.

Yeah, there's the person, there's like a main guy who's in charge.

He's the one, that's the whole thing.

Well, he's got gray legs.

Yeah.

Those other people pedaling, it's like paying taxes.

Like, they're doing a lot of work, but it ain't going on.

They're not doing anything.

Yeah, that's good.

It's like the same people that get drunk and play tennis, like my dad, I mean, for years.

He sounds like he's having a good time.

I ain't doing that, but how do you, I don't, that's the last thing I want to do when I'm drinking.

I don't want to drink and do any extra

situation.

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

Right?

No, I want to sit down.

Saw the greatest thing ever with one of those pedal carts in Detroit.

One of the black Israelites were out on a Saturday.

You know, these guys?

Yes.

If you don't know who they are, look them up.

They just yell at people.

Yeah.

They're just trying to invoke any sort of stuff.

They just stand at a corner and they just like preach.

But it was Detroit, so it's really cold.

So they're wearing their Muslim garb, but then he had like a Detroit Lions like starter jacket over it because he's cold.

But they're like, you white devil bitch, like just yelling at people, right?

And I'm just kind of got my headphones in and kind of like, I'm scared, if I'm honest.

And I'm waiting across the light or the street.

But then coming down the same street is one of these pedal carts full of just bachelorettes singing, lip, you know, singing to music.

And I was like, wait, they might have to be on the same street.

Yeah.

So I waited through my walk sign to just see if those two worlds would collide.

Yeah.

And it did.

And

I thought it would be this masterpiece of whatever, but instead, just both groups were uncomfortable and didn't know what to do.

So they both just silently stopped their bullshit.

Yeah, yeah.

That's kind of it.

It is such a thing, too, because I would have done the same thing.

Like, I'm going to stand here and look like I'm doing something.

I was going to watch this.

I had to wait like a few minutes, too.

I was like, okay, they're coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, the carts are coming.

I'm going to check something on my phone.

Yeah, exactly.

My favorite is when Tom does drunk girl.

I love it.

You're like,

yeah, they're just, they're the same everywhere.

They're the same everywhere.

A drunk girl in her 20s is the same in every city for sure.

I'm terrified of drunk women now.

Sasla.

Sasly.

And they always have the dress with the cowboy boots, which is adorable.

It's a look I've never been able to pull off, but I like seeing it in the South.

You're like, this is adorable.

You'd be lucky if she talked to you.

Like, they're always defending their ugly.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

We've got to go.

You're like, oh, she's talking to me.

What do you mean you have to go?

Yeah.

There it is.

There's the look.

It looks great.

I think it looks

a southern girl.

No,

I'm too LA.

It is.

That is a very

national looking.

Yeah, that's adorable.

For sure.

I like it.

It's always the white.

The white boots.

You see it a lot, obviously, on game day here, like when UT is playing.

You just see 80,000 chicks like this.

It seems like women copy these looks.

Like, what is the playbook?

Do you, like, guys go, is it a celebrity or is it like just a thing you see and you go, I want to dress like this?

It's usually, it could be celebrity-based.

I think a lot of people.

Me and my friends do what we want.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, do her.

Do her.

She's like, it's just

awful, though.

It's awful because

it's because she's drunk.

She's drunk and then she's just like mean.

Yeah, she's entitled.

But I like that she thinks she's a rugged individualist.

She's like, I don't know.

Fuck out.

Watch out.

Tonight's our night, girls.

Woo!

Yeah, yeah, do it, do it.

Well, they also, they always, I swear, like, we don't need that.

You can be like passing by like

minding your own business.

And that girl has like the

somehow goes, like, fuck are you looking at?

I know.

Yeah, they'll reject you from like six feet.

Yeah, you're like, I'm not talking to you.

I'm not looking at you.

Well, you should be looking at us.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd be lucky if we did talk to you.

You're like, fuck you,

and then you notice her like 230 pound friend

and then they're like what was that yeah like i just saw the fucking starting linebacker for yeah for the horns here

god just so entitled so embarrassing because i was a 20 year old girl obviously a million years ago and i had a friend like that yeah every girl does the instigator yeah that's right why do they think they're so tough it's not it's it's booze babe it's just like but it's still it's booze riddled with insecurity which is like what what usually fuels a booze like binge is like you're insecure and you do it for a different but i get sad when i'm drunk and insecure i don't get like i'm overly confident that's what you see is like booze affects people right like yeah i was i've never been a confrontational drunk me neither um it's just not but that's just wired in me i have a i had a friend i'm not a confrontational high school college who like Super cool guy.

And then you get a few, and he would come and headbutt you.

You're like, oh my God.

Fuck, man.

But then what happens is you're like, yeah, I don't want to be around you.

Yeah, it's not fun in this situation.

I'm like a nice drunk.

I was with a bunch of comics at a nice dinner recently, and

they were describing one of their celebrity friends.

And I was like, I'd love to meet that guy.

I'm not going to say his name just because...

It's not my story to tell.

But they were like, oh, he's real fun until he's not.

And I go, what does that mean?

They go, he's the best, the best, the best.

And then at a certain point, with the drugs and drinking, like, it's just a nightmare and i was like oh that sounds yeah not as exciting as i'd hoped i don't want that in my life

you know what though tom you are the best drunk like you don't get drunk very often but you're you're a party you're still a party and i i always remember the story you're please tell the story you've said it before in the podcast but do it again how you're when you were younger it was at the saddle ranch or the sushi

tell the story it's already a good setting it's one of my favorites

i was an intern at Copelson Entertainment.

What is it for the record?

Copeless.

Englishman or like an angel.

Angel Copelson was a production company that they made the fugitive,

you know, the Harrison Ford movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Murder at 1600.

Arnold Copelson, so a big-time producer.

And because I was like, I'm going to LA and I want to make movies.

So I started interning there, and I ended up doing script coverage.

And I moved on to do more coverage for other producers.

But when I was interning there, some of the assistants, so I'm an unpaid intern.

Yeah, of course.

And the the assistants are like, do you want to come out with us tonight?

And I was like, sure.

And I'm, you know, I know I want to be performing.

So I think I, I don't even know if I had done stand-up.

If I had done stand-up, I'd done it like once.

And we go out and like.

What age were you?

21.

Okay.

So

start at one bar and I have a few and I just keep drinking

to the point where I, I mean, I definitely black out.

So I only remember bits and pieces, but it was retold to me that

we made it to, was it Saddle Ranch or was it Miyagi's?

Miyagi's Miagi's

remember that place Sunset Boulevard?

Like I think it's still there,

whatever.

It was sushi, it was bad sushi, you know, it's like a party bar.

It's just there for the bar.

So we're, we've, now this is like our second or third location, and I am completely shit-faced.

And I am holding court.

I'm telling the story.

Work.

Yeah.

And there's like, and we're all standing in the circle, and there's like six assistants from work.

And I'm just like,

you know, telling this story.

And then I only learned this later because I don't recall it much.

But they told me that they're like, You're telling the story, and you know, you people are laughing, but they're also looking at you because you're so clearly completely fucked up.

And they go, and then you just start throwing up, right?

Mid-story, mid-story, yeah, dude.

That rules, and you puke everywhere, and then you know, like post-puke, you spit.

So, you're like, it's like experience, they're like, you're spitting, you're just like,

and then you stand up up and you just go right back into your throat

that's the best and they're all like ah and i the only reason i you're like i knew i blacked out when i got anyway home and i had a friend who i was living with at the time who he was like yo you were fucking that's the king of storytelling though like you're the storytelling

storyteller

and they're like all right where was that where was i it's amazing but i remember that i got into like he told me he was like you were fucking and i still was like eh and then i get into work on monday and all of them were like,

changed your rip.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They were like, this guy, you're a fucking mess, dude.

Like, just puking in front of people.

That's cool, though.

Yeah, I mean,

21.

At 21.

You're not 55.

No, that's not a story.

But the fact that he committed to finishing up, I love that.

Yeah, that's great.

You were meant to be a stand-up comedian.

You committed to the bit.

And I respect that.

And I wish I knew the story you were telling.

Like, what could have been.

That I don't know.

I'm sure.

Oh, any story could have been that good when you're in it.

When you're in it, you know, like, and you don't lose focus, too.

You're like, oh,

like I was saying.

So I come around the corner and they're like, uh-huh.

And it could make you a legend at a workplace, too, though.

Like, dude.

They carried me home.

They carried me home.

Charlie and Jack carried me back to my place.

And then in the morning,

I had no clothes and there was a towel on the ground because I had also puked when I got back to the place.

What your clothes?

I don't fucking know.

They took took it off of me.

I don't know if this is interesting or not, but I'm always fascinated when people are surprised when people get drunk.

Like I said,

like I said, I don't know if this is interesting, but so many times we'd go to a bar in San Diego, me and my buddy Josh Nelson, great comedian, and we would just get hammered.

The bartenders were our friends.

They would get us hammered.

We would flirt with them.

Obviously, it's never going to happen.

We'd try to do whatever.

We'd look at girls too young for us.

And then we would go home.

And then the next day we'd get lunch at the same bar.

And they'd be like, you guys were drunk last night.

You're like, yeah, you got us drunk.

Yeah, we're at a bar.

What are you talking about?

And I go, did I do anything embarrassing?

They go, no.

I go, did I like try to fight someone or get on the bar or puke?

They go, no.

I go, then why are you telling me that I was drunk last night?

Like, it drives me to hold something over there.

Just to shame you.

Yeah.

Or like streakers will run on a baseball field.

And they'd be like, that fucking drunk guy.

You're like, yeah, dude, you've been selling him $30 Bud Lights all night.

Like, he's going to do drunk guy shit.

And also, it's awesome and it's fun and it's funny.

And And like, it's okay.

Why are you shaming people about it?

Yeah, it makes no sense to me.

I know.

Someone shamed me on our vacation.

I'm not going to say who because I day drank.

Oh, we want names.

This is a podcast.

I'll tell you guys later.

And I was day drunk, and I was so drunk that I was like, I got to take a nap, baby.

And I loved it with the kids.

It was on Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

I was like, I got to go.

And then somebody in our group was like, well, mom, got a little drunk, huh?

And I was like, yeah, bitch.

Yeah.

I've had cancer this year.

Yeah.

I get to drink it.

Yeah, you can also do whatever the fuck.

You

I mean, it's not a crime to get hammered.

On your vacation.

Well, anytime.

It's not a crime to get hammered at all.

I mean, when you drive, you can get in a little bit of trouble.

But the point is, if you do it in a pool or something,

everybody who drinks has had at least

10 incidents in their life where they were like, I should have gotten a DUI.

Yeah, you reflect the next day, go, no, but.

I've had two that are so traumatizing that it, I mean, like, you need them.

If you don't get one, startle you, you need the incidents to scare the fuck out of you.

One time where I was

in LA and I got pulled over on sunset.

I'd been drinking.

My buddy's in the passenger seat, and I was like, I just go, what do I do?

And he just goes, I don't know.

Because he knows, we've been drinking.

Yeah, he knows the deal.

Yeah.

And the guy comes up and he's like, you're driving kind of erratically.

And I go, it's a rental.

That was, I was like, I just.

Oh, that makes sense.

Because that part was true.

I was like, I don't even know how it all works.

It is a PT Cruiser.

Maybe that's why it's.

And he was like, you know, license.

And I was, you know, your heart rate is just.

And then it's like a movie.

A fucking call comes out, and he's like, da-da-da-da.

He goes, it's your lucky day.

I got to go.

It is your lucky day.

I just got, we got out of the car.

I was like, let's just fucking walk.

Yes.

Seriously.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's so traumatizing.

And then another time where I was

annihilated.

Yeah.

Like, fully fucking.

Well, to be driving erratic is, is, you know, which I was doing.

I really was doing because

he was right.

It was a rental, and I was like, this is fun.

I was like, I don't know, like fucking with the gears.

Yeah.

And, but the one time I was in college and I had gears, drank a bunch and then smoked.

And I was, so I was like blasted.

Oh, yeah.

And I, you know, insisted on getting in my car and driving back to my place.

And as I pulled onto like this main street to go to my place, cop comes.

And what he does is he rides my blind spot

for probably,

you know i don't know half a mile but when you're that fucked up yeah it feels like 10 miles and you're just all in the mirror just kind of and you're just like all i was doing was like i go the speed was like 35 and like stay in the lines and i was just like you just turn your brain on to focus so hard and i was like just don't fucking do it like just stay in these lines stay going 35 stay and like I was just waiting and then he just broke off.

But it was like, it was,

it was one of those where I was like, oh, yeah.

I pulled over.

I was like, oh my God.

Like, it was, you see, your life, like, because if that one, he wouldn't have been like, it's your lucky day.

He'd be like, we're going to call extra units over there.

Yeah, like, what is this guy?

Yeah, this guy's fucking hateful.

A funny drinking thing I think of with you is,

you know, when you do college gigs, the kit, for whatever reason, I don't know why this was a thing.

Maybe it's not anymore.

But if there was a thing where they're like, all right, it's going to be this amount of money.

You're going to get picked up at this time, do 60 minutes.

And then the students want to take you out to dinner.

And for whatever reason, you're like, why is this part of it?

And And like, they're all younger than me and stuff.

And then, like, sometimes I say, I don't want to do the dinner or whatever.

But then I'm so lonely and I'm like in, you know, whatever town that they'll be like, we're going to go to a bar if you want, but you know, it's a college bar and you're still like, I don't know.

And I was also like, last time I did colleges was like 10 years ago, but

I remember one time they were like, Tom Segura came with us once and he drank with us.

And I remember being like, are you sure?

And I felt like I should do it.

Because I was like, well, if Tom did it,

he's a better comic than me if he's drinking with these fucking young people.

He had so much fun with us.

Like, no, he didn't.

It was in Colorado somewhere.

Oh, I know where that was.

Really?

Was that the School of Mining?

Yeah, Golden, the town of Golden.

That was in the School of Mining.

I remember doing that.

You know what the craziest thing was at that show?

I remember that it was Obama was

either president or being elected.

That's how long ago that was.

And the reason I'll never forget, first of all, they had me perform in the cafeteria.

Yeah, I did this exact show

in the cafeteria outside of Lance Armstrong and statue.

Why is it always in the cafeteria?

They don't have anywhere else.

As I'm

so there's like, let's say, 200 people in there.

And I'm getting into like, I have, you know, a bit about either, I just can't remember whether it's he's being, he's running or he's elected, but something in that joke.

It's my Obama bit.

And I go, and I say something like, what do you think?

And some guy goes, oh, he's an N-word.

Oh my God.

And

I just go, what

like what did you say and then he repeats it and i look around the room and everyone's like so what's your bit like do you have a and i'm like

i'm like this is insane corey told you like do your bit you know is your bit similar to that i'm like no that's wild it was wild and i just kind of and i just went back to and i walked off and i remember i forget who i had with me but i was like did you and they were like yeah that was that happened to me too i feel like you took my story and just made it yours

That happened in Shreveport, Louisiana.

It was

another place that that could happen.

It's at the old funny bone.

It doesn't exist anymore.

And it was the same year Obama was getting elected.

And I know Obama a bit.

It's interesting how parallel our stories are.

Like, you choke, I choke.

I had a story of the goal, not no N-word story, but at the School of Mines in Colorado, I was doing like my liberal bullshit.

I'm from Seattle, you know, pretty liberal guy, not by today's standards.

And

I was doing some bid about like that was like an anti-oil bit because I was like, you know, like, if we have a problem with oil and gas, you know, the Bush administration is always talking about that, like, then let's cancel NASCAR.

Like, they're wasting, they're just going in circles.

Yeah.

And I was doing well until this bit, and then they all just got weird on me, like, crying.

And I was like, what the hell?

And then afterwards, they're like, oh, you know what?

This is like a big oil place.

Like, that's where people work on it.

It's a school of minds.

I don't know why I didn't think of that.

Yeah.

And I did my dumb liberal anti-oil bit.

We're going to shift gears on how we like you.

Exactly.

And it happened right away.

So fast.

But I got him back with some, you know, frivolous cats and Mario Brothers bullshit.

I just went back to the classics.

But you know, in my mind, since that time that someone screamed out the N-word too, when I brought up my Obama bit, I cannot think of a good comeback for that.

And I've been thinking about it for 20 years.

I said, a good comeback?

You don't have a good comeback?

Yeah, I go, hey, guys, we've got Obama as a president.

N-word.

Fuck should I?

What's a good Wait, Joe.

Shane, that's the one I'm talking about.

The one running for president.

Yeah.

Yeah, same guy.

Same guy.

You got it.

Or I would just shame them.

I'd be like, Jesus Christ, what is my Uncle Al here?

You know, like, play it, like, just playfully shame them as, like, that's not how we speak.

Or double down and agree with them.

Like, say, yeah, that's the guy.

That's the guy.

Wait, why are you interrupting?

You know who I'm talking about.

The other thing to me when this happened was: A, there's, you know, the

nerve, right?

To sure.

But the fact that the whole room was like.

Same as reports.

Well, this isn't isn't a popular take.

I'm risking something to say this.

I think a lot of that kind of thing

is this,

aren't I being naughty?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, they don't really,

I mean, that some people really do think that, obviously.

Yeah.

But I'm saying, like, I think a lot of times it's very like, aren't I?

I'm being a shock, shocking guy.

Sure.

I mean, there's a lot of comedians that live in that world of like, what's taboo?

I'll say it.

Right.

Now, Howard Sturdy made a whole career off of it.

If you're, if you say the thing, but it's also a good joke.

Correct.

Then it's like, that's the dark.

Right.

But if you're just like, here's something that I shouldn't say and I'll say it.

Yeah.

Then you're just.

But I did it when I was a kid.

I'll admit that I used to like, because, you know, I grew up in like this whitebred area of Washington that's like south of Seattle, right?

Yeah.

And me and all my friends, we'd play video games.

We're smelly little boys.

You know, it's very classic kind of whatever.

We had like two black kids at our school.

Yeah.

And I remember like the bad kids, the rebellious the naughty kids They got to get in like they would get in fights or they would steal or they would blow up mailboxes or they would do these things Well, that all has risks.

Yeah, you know like like you can get arrested or you can get suspended or in trouble you could get you in a fight hurts Whereas like if I just said the n-word while we're playing video games everyone would be like Jeff is nuts.

Yeah, yeah.

And so I learned like, oh just you're just saying a forbidden word

for you.

What's that?

We should have shown the merch.

What merch?

We played at the top of the show.

The opening clip, guy.

Oh, oh, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

What is the thing?

This is

a real thing here.

Hey, everyone.

James Nigemeyer here.

Oh, wow.

A lot of people have been hitting me up on Instagram

and texting me.

Where's the merch?

And I appreciate

everyone's patience to see the entire process.

Finally, got it sourced out to deviloriginals.com.

I'll post that information in the link below.

But here it is.

I can't wait.

James Nigemeyer merch.

Oh, hey guys.

Oh my God.

They are live on the website.

Now, the question is,

does it fall into the same category that we're discussing, which I think it does.

The person who really buys this isn't like, God, this is my favorite fisherman.

Yes, they think it's naughty and hilarious.

It's fun to be naughty.

It's fun to be nice.

And in this instance, you get away with it.

Yes.

Somebody goes, what the fuck?

You go, this is a fucking fisherman.

100%.

Well, like,

my favorite way to phrase it is Beth Stelling.

And

we'll talk about how it's sometimes fun, and I'm very guilty of it in my act all the time, to be a little piggy in the mud.

It's fun to be naughty.

And that's all it is.

That's what every community hatred in our hearts.

It's just kind of fun to be the mischievous.

Or

there's a college football player named Noah.

Noah Kaniga.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you pull him up?

This one's not even spelled.

too aggressive.

That fisherman?

Yeah.

Like, it's not spelled that aggressive.

What we're about to see is spelled pretty aggressive.

And it's his name.

Yeah.

This is a linebacker.

Yeah.

It's in.

The K is not silent.

It is.

It's

silent for sure.

It's, yeah.

He's gotten famous just because of his name, but he's also pretty good, I think.

Yeah.

I think you changed that last name.

There he is.

And it's like, you need a lot.

Do you have a lot of money?

When also you got a Noah, like, is kind of good, too.

Like, it's.

Well, yeah, it's like, I think that the recruiting thing was like, we need a linebacker.

I think I know.

Right.

It's perfect.

Yeah.

And that has no K for that.

Like, yeah, I love it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know that,

what is it called?

Like, the broadcasters are always like, whoa.

Oh, dude, I wouldn't do it.

Yeah.

There's a guy named look up Seattle Mariner's Mitch Han.

H-A-N.

H-A-N.

And the rest will come up.

And when I cheer for him in Seattle, I call him Mitch H.

And sometimes people will look back because I'm going, come on, Mitch Mitch H.

And they'll turn around and I'll go, Well, I'm not going to say his whole name, and I'll get a little, I'll get a little laugh

from the person, like, oh, I see what you did there.

There was a, I remember because I always followed FSU football that they had a wide receiver named Dakoti,

and there's just no way around that.

That's right.

There's no way around that.

They would just be like, that's funny.

Like the guys calling the game would be like, you know, first down by four.

What do you do?

Yeah, I gotta do it.

Yeah.

Also,

is he straight or gay?

Oh.

This guy.

Because it would be great if he was also gay.

What a treat.

There he is.

You know what I mean?

There he is.

There's Dakota Fag.

Oh, yeah.

He looks pretty straight, actually.

If I had a profile, I think that's a straight guy.

There is no doubt.

that what fueled this guy to be a division one football shower was being called a fag.

This is the pro-athlete version of boy named Sue, for sure.

Yeah.

Also, at this point, don't you think if you're in this family, you're like, I think we can petition to do the name change?

Yeah, you can't.

Or you're like, no, we're devoted fags.

No, we love it.

So it's so easy.

We love our back.

Like, come on.

You go to the social security office and you apply for a name change.

It's really not that hard.

For my podcast, we basically play a game where it's like, how much?

We just ask you a thing, and then we crowdsource the money.

So you actually have to do whatever the thing is you said you'll do.

And we're like, one of them was how much to change your name for a year.

Yeah.

And so, like, to change my name to Jeff Farts for a whole year, and I've got to commit to it.

I've got to like all there you go.

Yeah.

We put a caveat for like comedy because you spend so long building your brand as far as like tour posters and stuff.

Sure.

So you can whatever.

But for your everyday life, your mail, your item.

Jeff Farts.

I'd do it for five grand.

Five grand.

That's it.

And I think it's kind of funny also.

Jeff Farts.

It's very funny.

So hold on.

So if you go to a restaurant, you put your name down for a table, it's Jeff Farts.

Which is kind of fun.

That one is a good example.

And they'll never believe you.

So you'd have to do like a

a r t c or something you know or like it's f-a-r-t-s it's like what well if they don't believe me i could just show them id like your ideals and be like gosh it's you know i it's my real name i'm not trying to be silly table for farts is ready yeah it's great yeah yeah see i think this guy's name fuels either if you're an athlete you become a high-level athlete or this would be the perfect fuel to make a comedian yeah somebody who's just ridiculed yeah if he was non-athletic 100 or what about you just do your starbucks name for a year as farts

yeah that'd be fine.

I mean, I always do a fake name at Starbucks anyway.

Saysies.

I do, but it's not for humor.

I just can't believe they're going to take any name I tell them.

What names have you gone with?

I usually do Mortal Kombat names, but like the most preposterous ones I can think of, like Cyrax.

And they'll be like, Cyrax?

Or like, yeah.

And they're like, they don't push back much.

They just write it on the camera.

They never spell it right because they don't spell Christina correctly.

I can't imagine Cyrax.

In their defense, they're doing a lot of writing.

By the way, I've been a barista at Starbucks, summer of 97, and I spelled the fuck out of some names, okay?

In their defense, they are, you know, I've done it.

Teenagers who hate their jobs.

I've done it.

Wait, just a second ago, you said that makes a good comedian.

Yes, kind of thing.

What have you, you're a therapy person.

What, what, do you, have you guys kind of gotten to the thing that makes you believe why you're a comedian?

I mean, I've definitely

thought about it.

I think the most simple, broad thing for me is, well, two things.

One, I think moving a lot as a kid plays a role in the fact that you're just always new and wanting to be accepted by a new person.

So yeah, you'd be, that's how you get friends by making, by just being human.

So that was, that was a huge, I moved, I went to like eight or nine different schools.

That's a lot.

So that's a lot of being new.

And I think I have a good bit of like middle child syndrome of where you just are kind of ignored because you have like

your first kid who's like, you know, taking like all the attention and then your baby.

And so like, they're just like, well, we're glad that you don't need anything.

You know?

So I think those things play into the psyche of like how you become a comedian.

Plus, you're full of hate and anger.

Full of rage, too.

Well, that helps for comedy.

Yeah.

It's a great one.

What about you, Jeff Di?

I'm just, it's very simple, short and sweet.

Like, my parents just were like, I was not like a victim of abuse, but we were like victims, me and my sisters, of neglect.

And neglect.

Makes you go, like, you know, I'll get in trouble.

Yeah.

I'll draw something.

Look what I drew.

I'm, you know, like that family guy thing where he's like, well, that's a version of like middle kid, right?

You just feel

lost.

We just were never around.

Yeah.

And when they were around, they weren't around.

So it was just like constantly needing validation, which is a comic.

Were they just overworking?

Why were they not around emotionally?

Were they alcoholics?

No, I've never been able to really.

No people are like my parents.

I've never met any people like my parents.

Were they more than that?

Now, what I'm about to tell you, you won't believe.

Okay.

They have no friends.

They have no hobbies.

They have no favorite movies.

They don't have a favorite food.

There's no interests.

They don't connect with anyone else in the family.

They're just these two people that work.

And then when they get done with work, they just sit home.

They don't want to be parents.

They don't want to be married, I don't think.

They don't want to cheat.

There's no interests.

So the reason I want to do everything and I want everyone to be my friend and I need so much is because they did nothing.

I want to do everything.

They don't even like each other, you're saying barely.

So they're uninspiring people.

They don't want to do anything.

Really?

I'll go watch the show and they'll say, yeah, put it on.

I'll put a show on.

I'll look over and then they're getting up and then going to their room.

And that's my least thing.

I had a good relationship with my father.

And one thing that always made me crazy is I'd be like, I know you like this topic.

So like, check this out.

And I'd put on like a movie or a show about something that I know interests him.

And I'd be like, what do you think?

He'd be like, what's that?

Are you, are you watching this?

I just showed you this for you.

No, I already know this.

I'm like, no, you don't.

You don't know this.

And he's like, I gave him a book one time, and I was like, this book

is like exactly what we were discussing.

And, you know, it's excellent.

And then he would be like, oh, thanks, buddy.

And then the next day, I was like, you're reading the book.

He goes, yeah, I finished it.

I go, it was 600 pages and he goes well i knew most of it

so would you you just kind of like skim through it he's like yeah yeah interesting i'm like interesting it makes me crazy it drives me nuts

i'm actually the worst this is like whoever my future partner will end up being is going to be so annoyed with how much I need someone to see what I'm seeing or watch what I'm watching.

Like, I'm in,

I'm the best consumer because if you like gave me a product and I liked it, I wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.

Like, I'm the best for like, you know, everything I have.

I got a share and tell and yeah.

But, you know, I'll show my buddy like a movie or something or like a YouTube clip.

And if I look over and they're texting or like look at, like, I go crazy.

Like I'm like, dude, I'm showing you this.

I'm showing you this.

Yes.

I want you to.

It also makes me crazy when somebody goes, this is really funny.

And they send it to me.

This made you laugh?

Oh, no.

Yeah, that would drive me crazy.

Stop being myself.

Yeah, wasn't it funny?

But you're honest.

I think that's the good part of that.

You know what, Jeff?

I'm the opposite with Tom.

Whenever I'm really into a show or something, I want to hide it and conceal it from him because is this real?

Yes, okay, because I fear his mockery and derision.

He hates every like he'll be a quote, fucking gay shitty watcher now.

Whoa, whoa, like it's so fucking not accurate.

It's an 18th century period.

Can I tell you something?

A lot of this is in your head.

You think so?

I don't think so.

I know.

You've said it before.

You're like, well, fuck it.

If I said something, give him an example of something that.

Here's my point.

Jeff Diet.

If you say something,

let's go go through my nephew's history.

If you say something

for her, she goes, that is, that's an always thing.

You're like, no, I said something one time.

Right.

What was the one thing he said that he hated that was on gay shit she was watching?

I don't know.

Well, do you watch some girls?

Like, girls like shows that man.

She loves period pieces.

And it's tough for us to understand.

But, Jeff, I understand that some of it sucks.

For instance, I love Bridgerton.

I'm aware how gay that is and how much it sucks.

I'm aware.

And I let him know, hey, I'm watching something stupid.

Don't shame me for this right now.

I'm enjoying something stupid.

Right.

I love that she finds a show that she loves because I think it's a great feeling when you find it.

But sometimes he'll like my dumb girl stuff.

She got me into Downton Abbey, and I think that's one of the best.

It's a period piece of women.

I never saw it.

It looks like some gay shit.

Here's the thing.

It does.

And here's the thing.

It is phenomenal.

Yeah.

It'll make you want to bust it.

The writing is top tier.

The acting's incredible.

Come out then.

It's great.

It's so gay.

It's really cool.

Well, me and Bert were talking about this recently, like on his thing.

It was like,

I am pretty easy to convince, too.

I'd be like, I'm not watching this shit.

And then they just go, just watch like an episode.

And then I'm like, all right, I'm in.

And then I'll watch the whole thing.

That one's fantastic.

But I'm like, I'm a judge at first, and then I'm an easy seller.

And you probably, look, if I sat down and watched it, I don't know if I'd like it, but if it's good, if it's quality, quality, like the thing about television and movies is there can be genres that you're drawn to and ones that you're not.

But if something actually is great,

it's the same with sports, right?

There's sports that I'm like, yeah, I'm not really into this.

If you show me, I don't know, a World Cup game, the drama, the stakes, the best players, I'm like, oh, I'm into it.

Of course, yeah.

It's the highest level.

Story.

So, yeah, it's just, you know.

Yeah, that's true.

You still hate my music, I think.

I don't hate your music either.

Really?

I thought you hate goth music.

No, goth music.

What is that?

Bauhaus.

What is goth music?

Bauhaus.

It's really incredible.

I've never heard of any of this.

I've never met someone quite like her, too.

She's a band.

You know,

people have a favorite band sometimes, and you're like, okay.

I just learned about a genre of music.

I didn't even know.

I thought Goth was like some teenagers I picked on at school.

It's so funny to me how devoted she is.

It's kind of amusing because, like I said,

I like some different genres of music.

I don't think I have a favorite one group, but I'll listen to different things.

With her, she's like, oh, I love Bauhaus, right?

Yeah, I've never heard of that either.

I can't tell you how many times I walk by her closet and I just hear her go, hey, Siri, or hey, Alex, whatever, play Bauhaus.

It's like hundreds of times.

I'm like, God damn, you really want to hear this every day.

Is that a band?

Or is it a, it's a just them?

Oh, Bauhaus is the band.

That's the band.

That's interesting after Tom says he never.

You told Siri to play it.

That's not Bauhaus.

That is not fucking Bauhaus.

It's not mine.

That's my phone.

Yeah, Tom, it's yours because you said, hey, Siri.

Oh, you said hey, Sir Hawaii.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Ed Sheeran came on.

Yeah, that's definitely not Bauhaus.

What's the song name?

Maybe it's that.

No, nothing close.

Stop the rain?

That's super.

All right.

But I'll tell you this.

I'll tell you this.

I like Ed Sheeran.

Stop.

Yeah.

I like Ed Sheeran.

But you see how he criticized my band just now?

After he was like, oh, I don't criticize anything.

And that's like my favorite.

Well, I don't think he said he doesn't criticize anything.

He's not even listening to it.

I am.

I'm just seeing what the hell happened.

What happened was it brought up the gay ass shit you were listening to to on the way in that's what happened I do feel like women watch like and like things that are and it always is a great balance when a man likes sports do you like sports yeah okay yes endless because then

you go see how you don't like this and I'm really into this I get that that's what your shit is that's what I'm saying

that's really into a show they go that's great right yeah 100% well her football she's like is it still on I'm like yes the fucking second quarter four hours yeah they're long yeah and then the ESPN Shorter than Marvel movies, I'll tell you that.

What happened on the show?

And they got to talk about the guys, the old, retired, fat athletes sit around the table and then they talk about the shit they just saw.

And then it's, well, no, my favorite's the press conference where the dejected, sad coach is like, we should have tried harder.

I know.

We didn't try as hard as we should have tried.

We're going to do better

exposes me.

Because I've never.

heard it through this life.

And it actually is very funny.

The funniest one is like, you know,

the shows where they recap games?

She's like, are they talking about the game you just watched?

And I'm like, yeah.

And it's just like five guys who are like, they should have held on to the bulb.

And they laugh at their dumb.

I was like, until you pointed that out, I just thought this was totally normal.

It is normal to us.

Yeah.

I was like, no, it's super low.

But what is it?

You guys like reliving what you like reliving the highlights and moments.

You cared about the game, right?

So you have to have an emotional investment, some,

otherwise, why are you, if you don't give a shit?

It also reminds me what happened.

Yeah, it reminds me of what happened.

It sounds really lazy, but I'm like, oh, yeah, that happened in the first quarter.

There's a lot going on.

It's a four-hour game.

If you lost, you're like, why did we fucking lose?

And then these guys are talking about why we lost.

And we like to believe that they know more than us.

Like, oh, she played for the Steelers in the 70s.

She must

have a better idea of what happened.

Also, Tom might not admit this.

I don't know if I really will admit it, but I think maybe

some people like to then regurgitate what those old athletes said later, like the next day at work, like, get up.

It becomes your point of view.

Right.

Yeah.

Because you go, I agree with that.

I will now absorb that.

And then I will say that like I thought it would be.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I don't know a lot about sports as much as I love sports.

My heart for sports is bigger than my brain for sports.

Right.

So, but why the game?

But if you can't convert third downs, I mean, how are we going to fight that?

Exactly.

I'll say stuff like,

I mean, are you going to that was more of a great defensive play than it was a bad inner play?

Someone's like, that's your thought?

And you're like, yeah, that's just what I thought.

But then why?

why the press conference to shame the losing coach?

And they never say anything to

it.

First of all, they're contractually obligated to do it, which I think is dog shit.

Let's stop.

I agree with you on this one.

Let's stop interviewing athletes and coaches who have had media training.

They give them training to teach them to not say anything.

Then we interview them.

And I'm like friends with some journalists who won't like this take, but like the only time an athlete is interesting and it goes like viral is if the player screws up and then the player gets fined for saying something he shouldn't have.

It's the best.

They're like capitalizing on, like, look, he screwed up.

He said a thing he shouldn't have.

It's why the UFC is amazing.

Oh, I love that they're allowed to say anything.

They say anything, and Dana White is amazing.

He encourages it.

Yeah, and he also is like, fuck that shit.

Right.

And you're like, because that's great.

All the other commissioners.

He's like, can you believe these?

I'm like, you own this league?

You run this.

The other guys are terrible.

They're literally like talking to the, the, Roger Goodell is like the CEO of Coca-Cola.

You know what I mean?

Like, he's not going to say anything interesting ever.

Correct.

It's just like, and as an organization, we are committed to making their communities better.

And you're like, okay.

Like, Dana is just like, you want to see that fucking fight?

I want to see that shit.

She's the best.

Cool.

Well, that's why I used to say, before Donald Trump, I used to always talk about how, like, why would you even want a politician on your podcast?

Because, like, when Obama did WTF, I was like, Barack obama is on your podcast went into mark maron's cat infested garage in silver lake or wherever yeah i couldn't believe it and then you listen to the episode you're like oh yeah he's the president he can't just get on there and be like you know uh shloban onlosevich is a psycho listen to this story he can't he's the president now he does better interviews i've seen clips of him like he did um

what is it like ryan clark and channing crowder's podcast and those the way he was speaking you're like oh this is a guy who's not in office anymore.

Right.

And

that's great.

And he was funny on that and interesting and engaging.

And because he's an ex-president, right?

Right.

So, yeah, most of the time, no one's like Trump.

Well, that's why he kind of broke the mold of that.

That's totally because of that.

Which I don't think people just call people fat.

I don't think we'll see that again.

I don't think the next few presidents

like that.

If Barack Obama would have called a woman fat,

like it would have been the worst thing for his life ever.

Like it would have like he would have tailspin.

But if you, if I told you, you know, Donald Trump called some lady fat, you guys would go, yeah, yeah.

He does that all the time.

That's who he is.

That's what he does, dude.

Yeah, exactly.

He's not attractive.

I think we're going to see more of it, not less.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I don't think.

I think people will try.

There's something that he has like a...

It's just like a mix of qualities that allows him.

Look, you can find a hundred things he's said that would have ended people.

Anyone else?

Anyone else?

I think part of it is the source.

People are just like, this is.

I think the only reason Trump won and won the popular vote and all this stuff is because he wasn't a politician.

Now, if any other person was running that wasn't a politician, they would have won instead.

That's why I think we'll see more of it.

Maybe if it's another non-politician.

That's what we need.

Because you can't get into politics with that.

You have to come from the outside.

And politics used to be they'd come to your town, right?

Before the internet, they'd come to your town and go, you guys like guns?

Oh, hey, guns are good.

We're going to help you.

And they go to the next town and they say, what do you got?

They go, we hate guns.

They go, we're going to get rid of guns.

but now with the internet yeah you can't you can see that a politician will say a thing and then you'll go but they just said a different thing and this and now we can compare it we have reels we have uh social media we have and so like the the the age of being a politician where you just kind of say what works is it's over

you got to be authentic yeah authentically yourself that's the other thing is that he's not i don't think he's like putting one on when he does that.

That's who he is.

I think so too.

And I think that like that, not to confuse that with being honest, but it is he's not telling different stories in different places is all yeah he's he's coming with his flaws and his things right there and you go all right i do like

i like that he lost weight and i like that he's not as orange and i like

and like my crazy neighbor oh yeah you want to talk politics i like that he lost weight and he's orange Hey, that's what we care about at your mom's house, okay?

He did.

He did.

He did.

He looks much better.

He does.

And I think he's actually toned it down a bit, it seems to me, since since the last.

I think he's calmed down a bit.

After they tried to murder him, after the FBI tried to kill him, now he's like, all right, I'll lay low a little ways.

I think he did the Ozempies.

Think so?

Of course.

He's 78.

Of course.

Good morning.

I mean, it's great.

He eats McDonald's.

Five times a day.

So, yeah, maybe he did take some Ozemps.

He likes KFC.

I don't know much about Ozempic.

Everyone talks about it.

It's in everyone's act.

Oh, it's great.

I know nothing about it.

You're on it?

I'm back on it.

Are you?

Oh, yeah.

Are there any negatives?

Yeah, it's harder to shit.

If you take too much, it'll back up your pussy.

She OD'd once.

I OD once.

I like her honesty.

I like this game.

I OD'd once, but

it just made me lose a lot more weight that week, so it was kind of a win-win.

Big whoop.

Yeah, big whoop.

Yeah, what are we splitting hairs here?

You want to lose the weight, right?

I mean, if you're healthy, that's like the only drawback is that you can't poop as easily.

But take some fucking stool softness.

Oh, Zampic.

Yeah, and it's easy to get.

Yeah, I used to have one of those

fancy doctors.

Okay.

I don't know if it's covered by insurance, so I think you have to pay out of pocket, you know.

Okay.

Yeah, it's funny.

You don't need it, though.

What do you what do you mean?

I'm just curious about it.

Everyone talks about it.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be with like someone, you know, and they'll say, I think your friend took Ozempic.

I said, I don't even know what that means.

Yeah.

But most people don't take OpenPep.

Really?

Yeah, he was like pre-diabetic.

He's like 285 and he took it and lost some weight.

Interesting.

But they don't just take Ozempic.

There's different types that you can get on.

But it's all called, people just call it Ozempic.

Huh.

Yeah, it's pretty fucking great, especially for us middle-aged people.

I want to show you something.

You tell me whether this is horrible or hilarious to you.

Okay, it's probably going to be both.

Those overlap.

But sometimes, here we go.

I've got an interesting humor.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

That's a good one.

Idiot.

Is his hand missing?

Yeah.

That's his fault.

Oh, that's amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really like it.

That's pretty good.

I like these kind of Darwinistic, like, well, what'd you expect kind of stuff?

Like, did you guys see Chimp Crazy on HBO?

No.

It's the people, the guy who made Tiger King made a movie or made a doc series about the same kind of thing.

Instead of with cat people, it's people that have monkeys and chimps.

Wow.

You'll love it.

What's it called?

It's called Chimp Crazy.

Oh, wow.

It's just as good as Tiger King, but now we're not in a pandemic, so everyone's not.

Chimps, when they feel the need to be aggressive, will do almost always the same things first to a male because they identify that you're male.

They'll bite your fingers off because they know that these are your kind of weapons

and they'll rip your testicles off.

And then they usually will pull your jaw out and they can pull strips of skin off of your back like it's just pieces.

The only reason I know all this is because of chimp crazy.

They go through everything.

Travis the chimp who fucked up that lady.

Like they go through all this stuff.

It made me hate monkeys too.

They're kind of gross to me now.

Or hey, made me hate chimps.

But I'm trying to think why I brought that up.

Oh,

because of the guy that bombed his hand off, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So for this, it's like, listen, if

this dumb lady needs to keep a bunch of gross chimps locked up to be happy, good for her.

I don't give a shit.

Lock up these ugly, non-working Hollywood monkeys, right?

But

if those monkeys rip her fucking face off and she looks like some ghoul on the Oprah Winfrey show, I'm fine with that too.

I don't care about either.

I don't give a fuck about these monkeys or this dumb lady.

And so like, I feel like that's kind of like the bomb in the hand.

You want to go shoot a bomb off at the lake?

Then go for it.

Do it.

But also when your hand blows off, I go, that's hilarious.

Yeah, man.

That's what you get, Stu.

You set this up.

That was 200 grams of ammonium nitrate and nitro, is it methane?

It has a

detonation velocity of what is it?

58 kilometers a second.

The person basically made a bomb, leading to his hand being blown straight off.

The ammonium nitrate was used in World War I to make low-cost explosive dynamite.

His hand is gone, and it took seven weeks to recover.

Jeevers,

also, go back to the beginning of the video.

Yeah.

Look how happy he is.

And when he's looking back, like, he's like, look at him looking back.

Like, he's really trying to impress everybody.

Like, check this out.

Oh, God.

I like the screams.

The screams are always good.

Very guttural.

You got to know how to light an explosive.

I mean,

don't they teach you that?

Like, you don't hold it in the hand and that, that, that.

So maybe just try to get, like, a super long wick on something.

Yeah, like hoody tunes, right?

Like, we all learn.

Or put the thing down.

And then, you know, I just.

That's the kind of thing, though, part of me, like, I go, that's hilarious.

And then I always just think about our boys, and I'm like, I know.

Oh, they're going to have a thing.

We got to show them this kind of thing.

I've learned that with my sisters.

Sisters will have like bickering between mom.

Like, they'll go through these wars where one girl will be mean to mom will be mean back.

It's this weird female battle.

But with boys, it's always some big one thing.

Yeah.

They get arrested or they knock up a girl or they beat up a kid in school who's gay and there's the whole, you know, some weird thing.

Some big thing.

Just for being alive and gay.

Yeah.

Tie him to a fence and now you can't go to Colorado anymore or Wyoming or whatever.

What was I going to say about that?

What country was this in?

It feels Russian.

Yes.

Yeah, it does.

Let's see if it says.

Because it says normal if it's Russian.

Yeah, to get your hands on that shit, too.

It was Slovakia.

So on the way.

Yeah.

Nearby.

Here's another one.

Let's see if

this makes you laugh.

I don't like these.

Oh, God.

I didn't even know that was possible.

New fear unlocked.

Oh, yeah.

Have you ever seen pectares?

Like, that made me...

I didn't like that.

Yeah, that was.

He didn't ask for that.

That counts as horrible.

Yeah, he didn't ask for that.

No, he's just weightlifting.

He's not some jackass.

He's just a cute guy trying to.

Oh, but see, look at us.

I don't know.

He's got four plates on there.

Maybe

he was exceeding

barking up the wrong tree.

It was like, hey, dude, if you try to flex for the camera, sometimes it could be.

Maybe that could be it.

I don't like that.

Okay.

Let's go check it out.

Oh, I've seen that.

I love that one.

Oh, you don't have the aftermath?

Oh, the aftermath videos.

Great.

I like that one.

You got to have the aftermath.

I loved that.

This one's a mix of the two.

She wasn't asking for it, but I still like it.

I know.

Yeah.

She had a great sense of humor because she put out the aftermath video, I think, in the same exact area.

What could be the aftermath?

Like, how bad could it be?

Just, oh, it's bad, dude.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Her face hit that platform really fucking hard.

It seems like it'd be kind kind of just an embarrassing

bruises or something.

But she was trying to be like an influencer and say something.

She was come to Fiji, you know, like bang.

Like, hey, check this out.

And she hit that shit so hard.

Face first.

Yeah.

You know, that was a tough one.

Let's go check it out.

Oh,

that's pretty good.

You guys don't have it?

I'm looking for it.

Bad work.

Something about beautiful women getting hurt makes me happier.

Oh, I was going to say the opposite.

No, it makes me happier because, like, that.

Is that what happens to them, too?

They're so like,

we're so beautiful.

And so to like see it makes it that much more funny.

But don't you feel sadder when attractive people get hurt versus unattractive people?

I feel like what a waste.

She's like this cute little ball.

What a waste.

What if we messed up her teeth or something, you know?

I don't know what it is about it.

Because there used to be an Instagram account that I followed.

It got banned, but it was called Girls Getting Hurt.

Oh.

And I'd send it to my buddy.

He'd get so mad at me because he'd be like, stop.

Do you hate women?

Why are you sending me this?

I was like, it's just funny.

It's funny.

It's just funny to me.

It's funny.

I think it's amusing, too, because you know that somebody has an easier life just by being attractive.

Right.

So when somebody.

Well, when they're protected, we protect women.

Women protect them.

And there are like these, you know, like,

I don't know.

It's like squishing a flower or something.

There's something kind of rebellious about it.

Yeah, there is.

There is.

All right.

Well, here's the next one.

Sorry, I keep talking too much during these.

Oh, this is easier on the shit.

Oh,

oh, that's a drunk.

That's a good one.

The good thing is she won't feel that.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

She's not going to.

She had to check a ring cam, go.

That's why my butt hurts.

Oh, God.

That sucks so bad.

Everything that she owns, though, made it on the patio.

Like, made it on the porch.

And look up.

But she's not.

Cigarettes, keys, wallet.

It all fell perfectly.

Perfectly, yeah.

But her tailbone is shattered.

Oh, for sure.

Although she's got some cushion.

She does have a

big butt.

That is.

That's a good one.

Fuck.

I could see what she was doing.

Hilarious too.

That was hilarious.

Hilarious.

That's all we got today.

That's it.

That's it, man.

Those are the four of the day.

Sometimes they're great.

Do you ever show like

deaths?

No.

I mean, it's happened.

I try not to like go, like, here's 10 people dying.

Just your guest is like, what the fuck?

I feel like

the faceplant stuff is kind of about this lady.

Yeah.

You know, we've had harmless fun.

Harmless fun.

Sometimes we're like, hey, here's a workplace accident.

And then you're like,

those are fun.

Here's a shooting at a volleyball game.

You're like, what the fuck?

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

The workplace injuries are the worst because those people don't want to fucking be there anyway, you know?

Like when like a forklift dropped in like 9 million bottles of Coke or just like some kind of spinning machine

people get caught in and you're like, oh dude, that poor guy.

Yeah, those are brutal too.

I always wonder about those.

Like, how do we know which ones are alive still?

Especially when they're like, like the China ones and the Russian ones.

They're just always like, that machinery.

Yeah, they're just posting the video.

Like, look at this.

They don't have the fucking OSHA, like, standard.

It's like when a robot dies here, they just go out.

So it's one of our employees.

We've seen some China workplace ones where, like, there's a pressure valve and a guy just explodes.

Like, his body just explodes.

And they're in China, they're just like, yeah.

They put it out.

They go, did this person live?

They go, what do you think, dude?

Yeah, that's it.

Just fucking go to work.

You want to see the video or what?

Yeah.

You want to show them your

yes.

I know you don't like TikTok, but I like to curate.

I like TikTok.

Oh, okay.

I curate the marginal people, the underrepresented people, the people without voices.

I like that.

What a hero.

Yes, I am.

This is for you.

When a woman dies, do I pull out their tampons?

So, yes, as an autopsy tech.

Answer.

So

I'll remove that if you have one in.

Because I gotta remove all the stuff from the inside.

All that comes out.

Don't do that with your hands.

So there's a tampon in there.

I'll I'll remove it.

Yeah.

You're welcome.

I don't want you to, like, spend eternity with one of those in there.

Don't you get, like, sick or something if one stays in too long?

We don't want that happening.

Tom, we don't want to.

I got you.

I'll remove everything.

Everything gets removed.

Got it.

I'll throw that away.

All your pieces will get put in a bag, and then the bag will be put in your belly.

So you'll get to keep everything except for that tampon.

I'll throw it away.

I'll put it in the

red band.

We'll get rid of it.

Something tells me he's overexplaining.

I'm going to do that for you.

Yeah, he's got a mess.

He keeps

the tampon.

But I like that he has a sense of humor about this.

I know.

The best.

So he does what he's saying.

He's the autopsy or the coroner.

Whatever the fuck it is.

Who takes the body parts out?

Yeah, coroner, I think he's

the.

He does that, and he answers all people.

people's questions on TikTok about it.

Interesting.

It is interesting, actually.

Is there any sort of because you said you like to talk about the underrepresented on these things?

Yeah, Mark.

Is there like a channel that you

watch or anything on YouTube where you're like, I wish more people knew about this?

Hmm.

Do you?

No.

Because I watch some stuff where people come over and they go, you watch this?

And I go, yeah, this guy rules or this person.

No, no, what are you watching?

Like, there's a channel called Decoy Voice, which is like a great political channel.

But then there's one called Mukbang Mermaid.

Oh, well, those are on the talk.

You know Mukbang?

Of course I know Mukbang.

Do you know Mukbang Mermaid?

I do not.

This is a person doing Mukbang, which I just learned what that is.

I thought this was just the name of this character, Mukbang Mermaid.

I thought that was like a funny name she put before Mermaid.

But she wears like this terrifying mask and eats foods.

But she's doing this great character.

And the mask is so

that's her mukbang mermaid.

But she's comedically brilliant.

Whoever's in that costume is crushing it.

That's awesome.

Because it's very funny.

I love that this is recording television.

It is scary.

I love it.

This is more interesting to me than most songs.

Oh, nice.

See, this is my shit right here.

Look at this guy.

Oh, my God.

You're POV when dating a 6'5, 300-pound caveman like me.

So, this is just like the hornier side of talk.

Right.

This is real horny.

Why an index finger for that?

I think he just can't show you what he wants to show you.

But just an index finger, and he's bragging about being 300-pound caveman.

Well, he's giving you the POV for sure.

Yeah,

that is terrible.

Maybe the index finger is the perfect.

Yeah, maybe that is.

Yeah.

But he's being honest.

Yeah.

I like it.

If you are a COVID-conscious queer, okay, I should say a COVID-conscious person, like someone who wears a mask.

Okay.

Don't scroll because this is like literally life-saving advice.

Because if you've just been like opening up your bifold, popping it on, squeezing it on your nose and going.

Incorrect.

It doesn't actually create a proper seal because this is a V shape, which is like not the shape of your nose.

What you actually want to do, kind of switch this V shape into a U shape.

So how to do that is flatten it so it's like flat like this and then use your finger and mold it so that you get like this round shape and stuff.

Pop that on and squeeze it just as you would.

Okay.

Great.

And you'll notice you get a way better seal.

This is huge for me.

Like, I didn't know I'd been wearing the wrong.

This is also supposed to be really helpful for clogging your glasses.

Yeah, I just want to say that.

Everyone on the internet lives in their car.

You look at you guys.

You got this great, you know, you shoot a thing.

If you want to shoot an opinion about something, you might walk around.

Why is everyone in their goddamn car?

Most people don't have, really don't have a space

anywhere they could do that.

I think that a lot of people are like, where can I go that I can sit and talk and they can be quiet?

That's true.

It's good for sound.

It's my car.

Really?

I think so.

It drives me nuts.

I can't hear to anyone's opinion if you're sitting in a car.

No, you're totally right.

It's always a car.

Yeah.

It is.

It drives me nuts.

I saw like a, because now my algorithm is insane, you know, it's like got the best curated algorithm for what I like.

But you'll see like a girl being like, I'm going to eat this whole pizza.

And you're like, in your car?

Yeah, you don't have to do that in the car.

Yeah.

Maybe I do a lot of picnic table.

You do you film ones every day?

I film, yes, because sometimes like I don't know.

I mean, I was criticizing you.

No, no, no.

I don't mind.

I'll be in carpool lane, like, waiting to pick up the kid or something.

And I'll be like, oh, I should do this now because I only have this much free time.

I also like to eat in my car a lot.

I do always.

As a COVID-conscious queer, it's kind of like a

COVID-conscious queer.

Can you believe that's not an insult?

That sounds like something I yell at her.

I know.

What are you a COVID-conscious queer?

But no, it's her identity.

At least she was like, well, anybody really.

Yeah, she went back.

If you're a conscious human, she's inclusive.

But I do appreciate the lengthy,

obnoxious

explanation.

She thinks it's really informative.

She's letting us know stuff.

She thinks she's held.

She's like, I'm not going to get it as hard as she could, and she went, I killed myself.

So can you not get my ass?

Thank you.

Oh, we're definitely filming the ass.

Pan down.

Oh, and the person didn't?

Yeah, that's cool.

She's a world-class marathon runner.

This lady, I saw this story.

She's like, yeah, top tier.

She finished in the top three on this one.

And yeah, which correct me if I'm wrong, that's a common thing to shit yourself in.

Yeah, especially if you're the best in the world, right?

Yeah, I think.

But you think the best in the world would evacuate their bowels before the race?

I think they have to.

It's still kind of happening.

Because don't forget she's running at least 26 miles.

Do you know why it's called a marathon?

I just learned this.

No.

No.

When the Greeks slaughtered all the Persians, you know, that movie 300, that really happened.

Not as cool, but it happened.

A guy ran back to let everyone know that Greek was victorious.

And he ran, you know, an estimated like 26 miles to let everyone know.

And he died from fatigue from that run to let everyone know that the Greeks were victorious.

And that was the Battle of Marathon.

Oh.

No idea.

Very cool.

That's very cool, actually.

That's the smartest thing anybody's ever said on the show.

That was like the most short.

That's a good one to know.

I love learning shit.

I think that history is the best thing to know for comedy.

It is.

It would help.

It helps.

It wasn't funny right now, but you know,

no, I think it does.

I think it actually does inform.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It gives you knowing things.

People, like, you'll reference a war and they'll go, What are you talking about?

You go, You don't know this?

Yeah.

It makes you look smart.

Yeah, it makes you feel smart.

Yeah.

And then you can weave in the dumbest shit because you said something smart.

Yeah, yeah.

That's true.

Oh!

Who knew that was in there so good, huh?

This is like a

DIY talk.

Well, yeah, it's kind of on the coattails of horrible or hilarious.

Yeah.

What do you think?

It's very

fancy.

Yeah, that's good.

Also, why is he doing his own demo?

Oh.

Save a few bucks.

He's like, I can do this myself.

That's so bad.

Don't do this.

Oh, fuck, right?

Hopefully, I just got his pants.

Oh,

yeah.

I wish women knew the feeling of getting nut-tapped.

There's no way you can never explain it.

You really can't.

Like, all right.

That

you'd feel that.

And there's a delay.

I mean, of course you'd feel it.

It would hurt you is what I'm saying.

Like that, that fragile would hurt you.

I believe it.

You're like, wait, those are fragile bits.

Those are carrying.

Also, when I was young, I got hit in the nuts a lot.

I feel like it happened like once a day minimum.

And now that I'm an adult, it never happens.

But like as a kid, all the time.

And it's good.

It's when you're forming

growing that first load.

But that's what a fear fear is.

I'll give you a million bucks.

off the press.

Can you understand what's happening here?

Do you have any idea what you just heard?

No.

German?

This isn't German spoken by an Irishman.

So he's got that accent, which German's hard enough.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's got the Irish.

Yeah, isn't that great?

That's great.

I thought that was pretty amazing.

It's a good talk.

Good pool.

Right?

Do we know what he was talking about?

Sports.

I should have won, but I didn't win.

Yeah, exactly.

We're going to try harder.

Oh, shit.

Look at that.

This is a water sliding.

Oh, off dude never

never

yeah

that's insane oh fuck that right yeah that's why we got the tube at the top part for like at wildwood

never pass here

that's that would be like week one somebody would fly off of that yeah be like it's shut down they've sued us so i know burt would do this bullshit but would you do this

this a slide like that no i don't think so i mean like i don't i couldn't do it well actually i could if you had me oh my god i just feel like my take

would just go right off of it.

I would just go right to the right.

What damn?

Dickie had such a good career.

Ruined it all to the stupid water.

Stupid Greek slide.

I would die.

That is insane, man.

Getting work done.

I don't think he's working.

I think he's playing video game.

He's just under the desk.

You up for it?

What does that mean?

Who wants to suck me off?

You know what?

I know what it means, but I mean, like, why would he think that's going to help him work or whatever?

I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Again, being being gay is awesome.

Is this for gays?

Of course.

Yeah, no woman's going to be like, let me jump under the gay.

If this guy is straight, he has never interacted with a woman.

Right, and it's not going to work.

Yeah, but gay guy for sure.

But he's got his pilot headgear on.

He's playing a video game, no?

And you can't be entirely sure until

remote.

This shot lets you know that he's gay.

Because the armpit.

You're right.

And this, babe, apropos of the earlier discussion.

The armpit is like, you guys like that?

Really?

Some guy's like, yeah, I fucking love smelling armpits.

Gross.

Oh, what the fuck?

Yeah, it's such such a gay pose.

Isn't that a gay pose?

We were talking about Lucy.

There's no way that's him, right?

Is it him?

That's him.

I think that's him.

No wonder everyone's so into this guy.

Yeah.

But also, isn't that pose?

The arm up to me.

And the panties down.

Also, this is a strong move by whoever censored the cock because they make the bar super long.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's smart.

Yeah.

It is smart.

Wait, what were you guys saying?

Oh, the arm thing.

Well, and the panties down under his knees.

That's such kind of a gay guy thing, no?

This episode's been so gay heavy we're so late so so many gay guys

so well just talking about talking about they're they're a community that deserves representation that's right they're marginalized yeah we're trying to show i love this

america's most extreme fright experiences alone called the 17th door the objective is you work your way through 17 doors and rooms with each one getting progressively more intense eventually leading to the crazy 17th door as it includes all these things along the way you have to sign a waiver and recite you signed it to a bunch of cameras to get the light to enter in you soon are in the barbershop where they chop or shave your hair.

And then into this room full of spiders and cuticles with cushions that inflate, keeping your arms at your side as the tarantulas are placed on your face.

Next you must navigate through the tight corridors as characters with electric devices chase you.

You run away into a room that starts rotating upside down with acrobatic clowns.

After you dodge chickens before they seal you into these tight below-freezing misty chambers for about a minute, you go through another electric room where the charged ceiling starts dropping down on you before heading through this door where cockroaches are placed on you and in your clothes.

Next is the 30 second tight hug from this big latex sheet.

And a few wild rooms completed later.

You move into the party room where you begin to celebrate making it before being buried above the head deep in balls.

I wasn't the only one that made it out, though, as I found this little guy in my pocket way after finishing.

That is an experience.

I can see how this could be some people's favorite fucking thing.

You know, the people that just love it.

I love horror nights and Halloween things.

They've made a great documentary about these type of places.

Yeah.

Do you like haunted houses?

I love haunted houses.

I don't like this kind of stuff, but also the reason, like McMannie Manor, I think it's called,

was one of the most extreme haunted houses.

I think it's still going.

Is that right?

Did I say the name right?

McMannie Manor?

McCamey Manor.

McCamey Manor, yeah.

Anyways, the reason his was so controversial is because there's no safe word.

Like this one, at any point they can leave.

He said, I made it out, meaning like some people were able to go, ah, let me out.

That's the most extreme one.

And they waterboard you.

And like, there's no out.

You can't, there's no safe word.

That's why they think this guy should be locked up.

He also films it, which is because he's a creep and he wants to watch all these people.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that guy in the middle is the guy who runs it.

And also to get in, you have to do this waiting list.

It takes years.

It's a huge contract.

That's two dog food cans you have to donate, which is strange.

Really?

That's part of it.

Cool.

I don't know why.

I mean, it's cool that

you're totally crazy.

Yeah, you have to be a psychologist.

That person doing that is completely insane.

Sexual kinks, for sure.

Fuck.

I also, this is a TikTok thing when he was doing, when he was explaining it, I don't like the cadence in which he's ex why is it so mon, like, so some of those narration voices.

I went into the things, and then once you go through the 13 chickens, then you have to go to the electric thing that's being those.

And then, like, why is that?

That's his exact thing.

That's a TikTok cadence.

The girls do too.

I woke up this morning and had my matcha tea latte, and then that was very delicious.

And then I went into the Tixtista.

Yeah, I don't like the cadence, the TikTokistics.

Yeah.

It's very weird.

Which was very tasty.

Very yummy.

Thank you.

And you're like, shut up.

Yeah, I hate the way he was explaining that haunted house.

Shit.

Oh, I saw this thing.

New Zealand's youngest MP, Sarg.

Look at his face.

This is so silly.

It's so ridiculous.

In parliament doing their battle song.

It's ridiculous.

And we're all supposed to think, isn't it great?

Yeah, it's cool.

So we look virtuous.

It's ridiculous.

They're like, come on, man.

He's fucking bullshit.

Yeah.

I hope you beat the USC.

It's fine on a football field.

What are we doing it in Parliament for?

The white guy faces over.

Oh, yeah.

Terrified.

I kind of like the chant itself.

I think it's pretty hard.

Like, I like it.

Yeah, this is.

The chant goes hard.

He's like, all right, cut the shit.

All All right, you guys did your little song.

You did your song.

It's so ridiculous.

And I know people are going to hear, like, oh, he's being a dickhead about it.

No, it's like, so knock it off.

Yeah, this is, that's what you do like before the rugby game.

We've also evolved.

It is.

I don't bring my gun into that parliament to go,

it's my culture.

This is what we used to do.

We're all cowboys.

This form of protest, then?

We've evolved past you shouting some tribal thing at a.

But have we, Jeff Dye?

What did we do?

Have we?

The point is.

Hey, fucking And you go, hey, we got to all sit here terrified.

The first time I saw it, I hated it.

And now I've been watching it more, and I like the actual chant more.

It's become funnier to you, right?

No, now I see how tough it is.

Because

I watched a video about how they do those crazy eyes and they scare the opponent.

No, they would do that.

I've seen it a million times.

Battle.

That's what that is.

Yeah, I like that.

I like it.

It's pretty tough.

But it's fun to see it.

The white guy.

He's against that guy.

That guy's on the bottom.

But that's why I'm against it.

I'm not against them doing the Haka.

Is that what it's called?

I'm just against them doing it in parliament.

The guy that's dressed like Papa Shango and is supposed to be like this civilized thing.

I would love to hear this guy on the bottom summary when he got home.

Oh, yeah, telling his wife.

Well, you know how they get.

They came in

and they started screaming and hollering, doing their difference.

You know, they did the whole thing.

She goes, did they do the eyes thing?

Oh, yeah, that was part of it.

Handshaking.

I tried to get order, and they kept popping in with some new ones.

What'd you do?

Oh, I just said, we're just calling it a day.

We're just not going to do this.

You should have seen Gary.

He was fucking terrified.

Well, you're right.

That's what he did.

He just called it a day.

He was like,

this needs to be cleared.

We're just done, y'all.

Come on.

The next day, he's like, are we going to do a fucking show again today?

Are we going to have no talk?

I hated it.

I saw that video like four times, and every time I was like, this is ridiculous.

And read the comments.

The comments are like so supportive.

Like, isn't this beautiful?

It's not beautiful.

It's ridiculous.

also if they were gonna stick to their tradition they wouldn't be wearing female pantsuits yeah that's so disruptive yeah that's not part of it but i do enjoy the disruption i do think it's funny it's funny it was funny i missed but yeah just seeing the white guy face

like globally

short well she's making a good name for herself and that's good

pretty cool yeah all right um

excuse me the special the last cowboy in la yes is available on youtube right now please check it out and people can get tickets at jeffdie.com.

Yeah.

I'm going to be all over.

And welcome to Texas.

Yeah, moving here.

Yeah, I'm very excited.

It's very exciting.

I love it here.

Awesome.

I love you guys' show.

We'll come back.

Thanks for having me on.

My mom's moving here too, so maybe you guys can become good friends.

I'd like that.

Yeah, is she cool?

Very cool.

You'll be into it then.

All right.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you guys for watching.

Listening.

We'll see you next week.

Bye, mommy.

It's the fuck off right now, man.

This light was not orange when I bought it.

It was not orange when I bought this motherfucker.

If this was the real lighter thing, it was right here, man.

Silver, a silver lighter.

Take off the motherfucker paper.

Orange fucking lighter.

It's a orange lighter.

What the fuck?

I'm gonna put this motherfucker off.

I'm a black fucking lighter.

See this shit?

It's a black fucking lighter.

What the fuck?

Silver lighter.

Orange lighter.

Silver lighter.

Orange.

Silver lighter.

Black lighter.

Silver light it.

Black light.

Silver light of it.

On to light it.

I still will light it.

Silver light of it.

Black lighting.

See this shit.

What the fuck?

Silver light of it.

On to light it.

I still will light it.

Silver light of it.

Black lighting.

I still will light it.

Black light.

Silver light of it.

On to light it.

I still will light it.

Silver light of it.

Black lighting.

See this shit.

What the fuck?

Henie without your money, y'all.

She and you like with money.

See this shit.

Henie without your money, y'all.

She locks with money.

What the fuck?

This episode of your mom's house podcast was brought to you by Rogue.

Warning, this product contains nicotine.

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