Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789

Well, welcome,

welcome to your mom's house.

And here we go.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Ducks smell, smell, duck, burn.

Ducks smell, duck burn,

burn, burn,

then greasy

Oh my god

then greasy

Then greasy greasy

Hell yeah.

What a banger.

What a banger.

Rest in peace.

So Chuck Willard just died.

And we got.

For people that don't know, I mean, Chuck was one of the OG clips that we, because there's an Australian burn.

And it was a cream that

dream, sorry, Australian dream doesn't, doesn't burn.

Yeah.

And isn't greasy.

That's what he would say in the copy.

And we would talk about it on the podcast, and people would bombard him.

Like

everybody, you'd go on Twitter and it was just pages of people being like, Chuck, is it greasy?

And

one day he responded.

He put out a tweet and he was like, I guess

it's my folksy Kentucky

upbringing.

And I, you know, he was like, ha, he didn't get that we were all being like, why do you say it like a fucking dope?

Well, that's.

It didn't greasy.

It doesn't burn.

It didn't greasy.

And here's the interesting part is that Chuck Woolery, for those of you who aren't ancient like I am, hosted a TV show called Love Connection.

Maybe back in 2-2.

2-2 for like a long time.

So he was a professional broadcaster.

Yeah.

And my mother was smitten with him in love.

I think a lot of women were.

He was a handsome guy.

Yeah.

And he was,

you know, he was the kind of like the matchmaker, the male matchmaker.

He was the matchmaker.

And then people, this is before we would video video the dates, and people would come on the show and retell the events of the dates.

And then Chuck would be like, Tom, did you feel like you could give Christina a good night kiss?

And I'd be like, well, I was a little nervous.

I had a lot of garlic for dinner.

So cute.

It was so innocent.

Give it up for Mike.

You remember that?

Yeah.

Where's the clip of him saying that a guy's an FAG?

Where's that clip?

Because it's unbelievable.

You ever seen that one?

No.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And they'd type out the word, and his last name was F-A-G-O-T.

Which always kills me that people don't just change their name.

This is so crazy.

I mean, unless he was goofing on Chuck, which he may have been.

No, this is like a real thing.

I'll play the clip.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Please welcome Robert Fagan.

It's still

rather an odd name.

Yeah, you know, it is an odd name.

It's also like, you don't think that guy had heard that enough in his life?

Then Chuck Williams would be like, kind of an odd name.

And he's like, yeah, I know.

Yeah, Richard Hitler.

You didn't think to change your last name?

This guy's parents.

How do you not just petition to just go buy something else?

Well, it's so, listen, women do it all the time.

When you get married, you go down to the social security office, you go to the DMV, you bring the license, you change your name to

that.

You can change your name to anything you want.

You can, yeah.

It's totally possible.

It's so crazy.

But yeah, God, Chuck Willery brought us so much joy for so long

on your mom's house.

Rest in peace.

He was great.

Yeah.

He was great.

And

he was a hardcore MAGA guy.

So he would have been, it's so sad.

He really was.

He would have been real happy.

Maybe this was like, maybe he went out with a huge smile on his face where he's like, the country's safe.

That's why he felt like he could pass.

Yeah, because on Twitter there for a while, he was getting real spicy.

Yeah.

I remember he was getting real.

I just got an email this morning.

I got invited to go to the inauguration.

You did?

Yeah.

But it's a paid, you know, you pay because you're basically funding the inauguration.

Oh, okay.

It's a really cool offer to get.

You mean you didn't contribute to Trump's campaign?

It's so much money, too.

It's like to go to an can you imagine just going there to see some blowhard walk down the street and wave and you're like, I'll pay for this.

Sure.

I think just the sheer volume of people going and

getting in and out of the area and what a disaster.

Just

regardless of who's being inaugurated.

I agree.

I'm saying.

I wouldn't do it.

I'm saying to pay to go to an inauguration would just sound like such a nightmare.

The only inauguration I would go to and pay for was is

Will Blunderfeld.

Oh, really?

When he wins, I'll go.

When he wins?

He might run for Prez.

He's Canadian.

Oh, that's true.

Prime Minister?

Of Canada.

Sure.

He could run.

It's so funny that you didn't know this, but we actually have some new Will Blunderfeld clips.

You're kidding.

I swear.

That's my favorite.

Yeah.

Well, I think we should probably play the opening of this show.

Oh, my God.

We got so excited.

God, today is just.

I woke up this morning beyond excited about what we got.

There's a lot going on today.

It's so good.

It's really exciting.

Oh, my God.

All right, here you go.

Here's your opener, ready?

Here you go.

I just want to say, dead ass, the reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow, fucking weird thing

is my ass is going to be doing community service for the state of Utah.

Woo!

I got a D-U-Y, baby.

This is good guys.

Oh my god.

Don't bring anyone mother into this.

Your mom in the fucking stand.

Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Sagura, Tom Subsukura.

And Christina Pajitsi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

There you go.

It's the classic.

And there's a reason why he's going to be considered a uh that why this is a classic today.

Um, we'll get to it in a little bit.

I think there's a lot to get into first.

I'm overwhelmed with how much cool stuff is here.

Me too.

Can I tell you?

I woke up this morning just so lathered up to come into the studio and record today's episode, just knowing the vintage YMH stuff we have.

And not only that, I would like to take an opportunity here.

If you haven't bought your Christmas gift for your lady or gender-neutral person in your life that loves lipstick, could be a guy.

Could be a guy.

It's not just for women.

It's not just for women.

It's for cats.

It's for pets.

It's for whatever you want.

The perfect four.

these are all four of my lipstick colors, Atomic Red Madison Berlin.

And of course, the perfect red comes in the package.

Buy it now.

I'm wearing Berlin today to show you how moody.

Oh, yeah.

Aren't I seductive?

Yeah.

Weird a little bit and mysterious.

Is that called Berlin?

Yeah,

it looks like a German girl.

Thank you.

That's the whole point.

I was so inspired by my trip, though.

Sultry, fucking dark German girl who's like, yeah, you lay on the ground and I'll squat over your face.

Exactly.

Okay.

And exactly.

And I tell you what, you buy this lipstick for your lady.

Yes.

She's going to squat over your face.

That is exciting.

You may notice if you're watching today's episode, there's a few new faces in the booth, and there's a reason for that.

We let go of the other staff that was in there because they were exceptionally disrespectful on the last episode of the show.

So we said bye-bye to them and hello to the new trio.

You know, you don't think you're overreacting a little bit?

I do not.

I think I'm embracing the Christmas spirit.

Tom, it was, for those of you who don't know what he's referring to, it was the choke heard around the world.

Here it is, for those that don't know.

Hey, guys, I was listening to this to the Adrienne Appalouchi episode.

By the way, she has a great new special out on

Netflix.

You guys are, of course, what?

I just choked for a second.

I can't choke.

Hey, fuck you.

It was just scary.

On Netflix.

Why is it scary?

I got scared.

I thought you were dying.

Everyone's fired.

We just were worried.

I mean, weren't we all concerned?

I'm fine.

I'm going to do a drawing for you choking on something.

Like, I already know how it's going to go in my head.

There's repercussions.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, there are.

What are you getting to do?

Well, there's no Christmas party anymore.

And I'm not doing end-of-year bonuses.

And I am taking back your gift.

Now, let's move on to the next segment.

Fucking done.

What made you choke?

Netflix.

I can't wait to see you.

I hope it's bad.

You're spicy today, Tom.

You're zesty.

You're spicy.

It's sad that we're going to have an all-new staff after the new year, but I'm looking forward to meeting them.

This is everyone's last show.

So

say your goodbye.

Happy holidays.

We'll see you soon.

There it is.

There's the whole thing.

And that's why you fired everybody and you brought in

this team.

This is unbelievable.

You don't think it's a good thing.

I like these new faces so much more.

I was so over the other ones.

You don't think this is a little overreactive?

No, I think it's perfect.

I think everyone's got to understand things in life.

Tom, let's go over the moment of the choke.

Okay.

What happened?

I mean, I feel like some saliva just kind of, you know,

just kind of passed through as I was trying to speak.

If I wasn't speaking, nobody would have noticed of it.

So I was speaking and I just...

Had a little.

Do you think the saliva was because you had a roogie?

Did you have a roogie in in your mouth?

I did have a rogue in my mouth.

Yeah, I love rogies.

Speaking of rogies,

it's a great time.

This is not a plug.

It's not a plug.

It's life.

I love my rogues.

Stupid.

It's not a plug.

It's life.

So dumb.

Somebody gave me,

I did the Dallas bar takeover for Porosos last week at the tavern, which was the best experience I've ever had doing a bar takeover.

Like, honestly, we all walked out of there like, oh, man, if they're like this, just we could do them.

It was just the place was great.

Somebody gave, they're like, I know you like rogues.

They gave me a fresh can of rogues.

Their thing is on there.

Their handle.

I can't read it though.

At Cody something.

Anyway, great gift.

Thanks.

Great gift.

Great gift.

So let's get back to the choke.

Yeah.

So I had a rogue in it.

And

everything's better already.

I forget.

Were you reading something there?

I was getting ready.

I was talking about Adrian Appalucci's new special.

I was saying it's great.

And I was reading, I think I was reading a message from someone about it.

And then as it, I choked, and then you were like.

And then

the level of

disrespect from the booth was, I could not ignore it.

Yeah.

And so it was just time to

chop their heads off.

Off with their heads.

Yeah, because

what struck, I think, the former staff and I was

you didn't acknowledge the choke.

And usually broadcasters or even Chuck Woolery would be, oh, excuse me, pardon me.

Yeah.

Maybe I, oh my goodness, you know, and you decided.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

Whoopsie, whoopsie daisy, I choked.

Okay.

You didn't acknowledge it.

What was going on in your mind?

I was just like, this is something that everybody understands who's ever spoken, that things like this happen sometimes.

So I just thought everybody was like, yeah, I know what that is.

I didn't.

I thought you were having a seizure, and I thought maybe you were going to collapse.

And I was just happy that you were, yes, still talking, but the fact that it was the unacknowledgement of the choke that people were really taken with,

I thought it was, yeah, really.

So it's taken over the YMH world.

I know a lot of people have the choke hurt.

I'm going to be producing another piece of art to commemorate

the choke.

Just give me some time.

I'm working on it.

These things take hours.

You mean like this?

Yeah, this last one that you did?

That was.

It takes days and hours and weeks.

Yeah, there's my portrait.

Clearly,

the thing that's supposed to be me that sold like hotcakes, your super disrespectful artwork, it looks a lot more like Ari Schaefer than it does me.

Well, hold on.

First of all, I'd like to support everyone that purchased a print of my portrait of Tom.

Thank you for supporting the arts.

Here's the deal, man.

This is what I thought, because Ari claims that my portrait looks more like him he does hold on is it that the portrait looks like ari

or that you look like a jew

have you thought about your jewish features i'm trying to think what else i can take away from you right now

niana's laughing in the booth is she gonna get fired too i'm focused on you right now

But you don't think that you have a Jewish.

It is the nose.

Everybody can see the nose is very.

Oh, you just look at his profile.

Just now.

Look at that.

It hangs over a lot.

Okay.

Is Josh Zolo still around?

No, he's gone.

We have a.

The point is.

I thought we were doing away with all Jews here.

That is Christmas time.

Let's look at some features.

That's great, guys.

Yeah, I think that...

Okay.

I mean, look at the young lady on the top.

Yeah, there you go.

What is the link there that says, see that, that the second from the left

where it says, no, no, go to go one to the left?

That says nose job numbers are shoot down.

I wonder

what is that about?

For Jews.

Nose jobs are no longer a thing among teenage Jewish girls.

Graduation presents, birthday gifts, Hanukkah handouts.

We don't know.

We don't want to know what you received on the second.

For decades, nose jobs have been a common bequest in the Jewish community.

Sure.

Okay.

Fueled, okay, scroll down a little bit.

Fueled by a struggling economy, cosmetic surgeries, nose jobs being no exception, are declining across the board.

Wait, this is an old article, though, right?

Or when was this printed?

Yeah, 2012.

That's very old.

All right, never mind.

I remember a girl in high school

who was 14

and had a schnauz, like a real fucking beak.

And she came in, I think it was after the summer break.

Yeah.

With the nose job, and looked gorgeous.

It's really crazy what it can do.

No, I did not date her.

Yeah.

There you go.

That's Tom.

Yeah, there you go.

Can you lift up the glasses a little bit so we can see your full note?

Yeah, and the older you get, it turned to the side, please, profile.

Yeah, it's just getting more and more longer, elongated, Jewish nature.

I get people believe

they'll believe if I'm Jewish.

I think they also believe if I'm French.

I've had that a lot.

When I was in France, everybody thought it was French.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When you have allergies and you're very like, ugh, big celiac disease,

you can't eat certain things.

It irritates your bowels.

My bowels are bothering me.

I hear that a lot from you, Ira.

Okay.

You're always talking about money.

I'm always talking about money.

Okay.

What was I going to tell you?

Now I've forgotten my train of thought.

Yeah, French, kind of, sure.

I think it's more your attitude.

Kind of arrogant, like the French.

I know you like their arrogance and such.

This is a really fun episode.

Keep going.

I'm going to make a portrait.

Just give me time, people.

Of a French jewelry, smug, money grub.

Choking at the same time.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you look great today.

Your hair looks nice.

Thanks.

Can I put these back on?

I can't see.

Yeah, put them back on.

Dad, put your damn dad glasses on.

There we go.

Now.

All right.

Well, I think it looks more like Ari Schaefer than it does me.

God, that actually looks like a fucking exact portrait of him.

Again, I think it's that you look like Ari Schaefer.

Not that the drawing looks like.

Do you guys think that too?

Think carefully before you answer.

Jeez.

No, never.

Negative, sir.

Are you happy now?

You've terrorized the staff.

I'm not trying to terrorize them.

I just want you to.

You've terrorized them.

I didn't do anything.

Is this what you want as a celebrity?

You want everybody to be afraid of you and just kowtow, cowering in fear?

Well, I'm not doing it, Segura.

I'm not doing it.

I don't care.

You're going to fire me from your mom's house?

Good luck.

Good luck.

I've got two million people ordering prints that support me here.

Okay.

Good.

You're still going to have a bad Christmas.

You shut up.

I've never felt more validated in my life.

For what?

So let's come back to you, though, Mr.

Schroeder.

So, how much have you paid your gate agents to enforce your carry-on-bag policy, to pick people out of the line, like the chairman's video show?

I mean, you guys do appreciate that flying on your airlines is a disaster, don't you?

I'm slightly amazed by the general attitude of all of you here.

Flying on your airlines is horrible.

It's a terrible experience.

I mean, I say this as a father of three young children.

But I can't tell you, nobody enjoys flying on your airlines.

It's a disaster.

You charge people fees that they know nothing about.

You harass them to death.

Yeah.

Amen.

Senator Hawley giving it to a couple CEOs about

the carry-on policy.

And let me just say this.

I was right.

And I'm always right.

And that girl is a fucking.

Fuck you.

Oh, is this the yeah?

yeah yeah

what was the story again she told you to this fucking bitch okay

let me tell you something okay

i am i'm boarding a flight from jfk to austin and i'm first in line i'm first in line to board yeah and this bitch goes hey you're gonna have to check that bag and i'm like what are we flying on a fucking regional jet from new or from from new york how big holon what what bag was it was it big was it it a double?

It's my daily, it's my roller that I take

every single trip.

It's a classic-sized carrier.

It's an overhead.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

And this fucking bitch goes, hey, you're going to have to check that bag.

And I go, really?

What kind of aircraft are we flying on today?

And they're like, oh, you know, I'm like, is it a regional plane?

Because sometimes you do fly the little puddle jumping.

The Barbie, the Barbie plane.

Where you check everything?

Yeah.

I'm like, are we on one of those?

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, no, you're on like a 737 or something.

I'm like, well, this is the same bag I flew here with.

And I fly everywhere with this bag no it's too big and I'm like what

so

anyway

I have uh another employee from the airline with me there and I go why is she doing this and she goes gate agents

like rule this area like we can't over speak over them basically right and I'm like like whatever she decides is a thing and I'm just like Why are you doing this?

She's like, it's too big.

And I'm like, it's not too big.

Anyway, you just give it up, which is what I did.

You just go, okay.

Hold on, hold on.

So then I get on the plane.

I get on the plane.

And I look, and I'm like, this is a standard overhead thing.

So I ask again, I go, why did they take the bag?

Right?

Now, they're just like, she just decided to.

But this informs you as to why.

No, no, this informs you as to why.

It's because the airlines are paying gate agents to confiscate bags.

So they're giving them incentives.

They're doing it to make money.

So the fucking

that I, so then I went, I went on Twitter and I sat there and I just wrote, what a fucking bitch, you know, fucking whatever.

And everyone's like, oh, you threw a tantrum.

It's like, it's not really,

I didn't verbally accost anybody.

I didn't physically assault anybody, although it would have been a pleasure.

Yeah.

I just.

wrote a couple tweets.

People are like, oh, you lost your mind.

I'm like, I didn't lose my mind.

The point is, I was fucking right.

She was just selectively taking a bag to make a few extra bucks.

Okay.

And your attitude here today seems to be, well, devil may care.

There's nothing we can do about it.

Well, I think we are going to do something about it.

So how much have you paid people

to pull out customers who are in line with a bag that's two centimeters too big, Mr.

Schroeder?

Well, we recognize this is a hard job, and so therefore we incentivize them to do that.

How much?

It's $10 per bag.

Wow.

$10 per bag.

And I think, Mr.

Klein, you and Mr.

Schroeder, your airlines cumulatively have spent $26 million paying gate agents between 2022 and 2023 to catch passengers whose bags are a little bit too big.

$26 million.

I mean, if people want to know why it's such a terrible experience to fly, this is news for them today.

Your airlines are paying millions of dollars to your employees to harass people who've already paid.

They're there in line because they've already paid.

Wow.

So I'm just saying, this is exactly what happened to me.

And I just want to say it again.

I was right.

And you're still a fucking

wow.

Vindicated.

And may I say something else, Tom?

I would like to congratulate you for getting through that entire speech without choking.

Look at my nose.

And I'm sure the staff appreciates it too.

No, that is sinister.

I had no idea.

I had no idea.

I know.

I didn't know.

And I always hate that, too, where they're like,

you're going to have to check it in.

It's like, dude, why?

But the whole point, the thing with people is that

people are like, oh, some people get their bags.

It's like, yeah, it shouldn't have been taken, though.

It wasn't oversized.

No, and also, you're like the first guy on.

Yeah, I was like, shouldn't you see if someone else's bag?

Doesn't fit later on?

Later on.

Because it stands to reason that you would have enough space to put it.

It's like even if it is bigger or whatever, but it wasn't.

That is so, and those two airlines, by the way, that Senator Hawley is

hands down the worst airlines.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think you guys can, we're not going to say their names, but you can intuitively guess.

Oh, yeah, you can figure it out.

You can figure it out.

It's, it is, it's so weird how shitty they can be.

I know.

It's like, that's probably the most dangerous form of travel and the most, you know what I mean?

Like, they should be.

I know.

That's terrible.

This whole thing just works people up to like

this whole world of like

it's it's a it's a it's an abuse of power.

It is it's over it's like it's and it's just

now it's to you know fill somebody else's pockets up.

And then the holidays are here and then these poor families are just trying to get across the country to visit grandma.

They're going to stick it to you.

Yeah.

Could you imagine?

They'll stick it to you.

They're fine with kids and they're going to fucking take away your carry-on when you need stuff for the kid in the bag.

And then they just cancel your flights.

And they're like, well, guess you're fucked.

You're spending the night in Detroit or whatever.

That was the worst part of touring for the last 20 years.

You would just get stuck in cities.

I would get stuck in airports just overnight.

Guess you're sleeping in Hartford.

What?

What?

That's it.

You're not going to.

They wouldn't rebook you automatically on another flight.

Remember that shit?

Totally.

God.

They're just,

we got the worst.

We got derailed, you know, like, hey, we're not flying.

Everybody was.

And I was at the gate with all like a hundred people.

And they're like, yeah, they're canceling the flight.

So tomorrow.

And someone's like, well, where are you putting us up?

And they're like, oh, we're not doing that.

And this group of people got closer to the gate.

And they're like, no, no, no, no, we are going to put you up.

Yes.

They got the money.

I watched them switch.

They were just like, here's your vouchers.

Here you go.

Oh, they have the money to put you up.

Don't you worry about it.

Of course, they do.

By the way, guys, if I were you and you're, I mean, always look up, there's a lot of accounts on TikTok tock and and places to find out hacks like if they cancel your flight you're entitled to whatever voucher there's always a way just look at these fuckers they're ripping you off it's just so it's egregious uh well this little let's change the mood a little bit

you know i'm so upset i know i hate these let's have a little fun now okay okay hi this is frankie valley Sorry we missed you last time, but we're coming back on September the 5th to the Cobb Center.

So get your friends together, come by, and we'll really have a great time.

There you go.

Happy holiday.

So hold on.

Yeah.

Come to Frankie.

Oh, my God.

Having a good time.

You can't even get out the window.

So sad.

So we've been playing these videos because they just don't make any sense to us.

Where you're

seeing somebody, like, not

what are you doing?

It's so strange.

He's 90.

He's 90 years old.

Poor baby.

And so finally we got an email about it.

So it's happy to share it with you guys.

Hey, Tim and Tina, I work in audio production at a theater in Canada where Frankie Valley performed a few months ago.

Just want to say it was one of the biggest bummers shows I have ever seen.

I have no idea as to why they're dragging that half cadaver on stage, but I can tell you about some of the technical fuckery from a tech perspective.

First of all, he is obviously singing to tracks recorded in the 70s by our guests, as are the backup singers.

Frankie also has a switch, has a mic with a switch that he can turn on between songs to talk to the audience.

But once the song is on, he switches the mic off and does the,

what is it, Nosferudu thing?

Nosferatu.

Nosferatu thing.

A real goth would have known that.

Got it.

He seemed like a nice old man, but the whole crew was really sad that day.

Where are the bodies?

They're on stage.

Hope this doesn't scare you.

Dan.

Well, thanks, Dan.

I mean, I think, too, it's, isn't it kind of, I mean, it's kind of duplicitous too for an audience.

You think you're paying to watch Frankie Valley sing live and then he's singing in the tracks.

Okay, fine.

That's, that's the gig.

Wouldn't you want to put up the audio, maybe of a track that he could sing like 10 years ago?

You know what I mean?

Like a recording live,

not the actual 70s recording.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Like, put up like kind of a coherent performance vocally that he could.

Well, who's going to this show, though?

If he's 90, his fans have to be.

Yeah, exactly.

Jesus Christ.

They're probably just like, that was crazy good.

They don't know what's going on.

You think they're just checked out?

Yeah, of course.

They're old vampires like him.

It's not somebody like in their 30s.

Can you believe?

But at 90, God bless him, he can still get out there.

Yeah.

90.

How does he even get to these gigs?

He's flying Tom.

Yeah.

Is he flying?

Do you think he can afford to fly privately?

No,

because that's why he's doing these gigs is to make money.

I don't think so.

Why at 90?

What do you think is going on?

I mean.

Is it a legacy thing?

Is he like?

There's only really two good explanations.

One would be that he's like, well, if I stop doing this, like a lot of people, you know, they go like the the guy retires and he dies.

Yes.

It's like you have to like have something to keep working towards.

Yes.

The other one is that there is an actual need for money.

Money.

I mean, that's the only other explanation.

But he was, his success happened at a time when people made.

Residuals, yeah?

Like he

got so many hits, right?

Yeah, I would think so, but there's always that lifestyle thing.

Okay, how about this?

How many ex-wives does he have?

Let's look at the life.

Is there like multiple kids?

Is like families on the payroll?

That's always a very logical explanation for it.

Also, people that are high-level earners who,

oh, I'm seeing multiple marriages already.

There we go.

Four times.

Oh, Frankie Valley's telling me from his son with a restraining order.

Okay.

So there's some drama.

Two children with the first, none with the second,

three with the third.

The fourth, let's see.

Eight.

Yeah, okay.

So he has six children.

Six children's a lot of kids.

Tom,

how are you going to ruin your life?

I don't know.

Famous and

successful and rich and stuff.

Like, are we going to, are you going to do multiple marriages?

Are you going to start

a trafficking ring with your buddies on an island?

Like, what kind of mayhem are you going to get into?

I feel like...

The trafficking thing sure sounds fun.

You know what would be crazy?

I was thinking about...

a couple of things that would be like a fun thing.

I think I have to level up a few more times before before I can do this.

Sure.

One would be to hunt endangered species.

Like, you know what I mean?

When they go,

there's 11 of these birds left.

And then I go, well, now there's 10.

Yeah.

You know,

one of those.

That seems really cool.

Because does that really exist?

That people are like, I'm sure.

They're like, I'm going to go to Africa and hunt the ivory tusks elephant that there's one left.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I guess

it's all about money, right?

Looks like you can just pay.

Yeah.

You can hunt an Arabian Onyx for 10 grand.

Yeah.

So do you think you're going to get into hunting endangered?

The cost to hunt an African bongo antelope is $35,000.

But I know it's a lot of money, but think about the joy.

The joy of being like, there's one less.

This world only had a few.

Now there's one less because of meat.

That sounds like a real...

But I'll tell you what I think.

What the highest level thing is, right?

Sure.

And I think you really have to have

well into nine figures, maybe 10 figures to do this, is you go to a war-torn, just really depressed place, someplace where it's just apocalypse now.

Yeah.

Here, currently in 2024, soon to be 2025.

And you just, you pay someone to hunt people.

I bet that is probably

something you can do

where you just go, oh,

I'm godless.

You're top of the heap.

Now, hold on.

Yes, and, as they say in the improv world, I'm going to yes and you.

Yeah.

I feel like doing it in a war-torn country is too easy.

Like, we could drop you in Somalia or Ukraine right now, hand you a rifle, and boom, you're in the war.

Too easy.

Okay.

You can hunt and kill first world people.

Like New York City.

They take you into New York City and you can stab

tourists.

just got assassinated.

Look at this.

Russian luxury offer pirate hunting cruises.

That sounds so Russian.

For sure.

Wealthy pay, what is it?

$5,800 per day.

That's it?

No, that's nothing.

To patrol the most dangerous waters in the world, hoping to be attacked by raiders.

When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns, and rocket launchers.

That's fucking badass.

What a relaxing vacation.

That is so fucking cool.

Yeah.

Oh, the yachts travel from Djibouti to Somalia.

Yeah.

Yeah.

From Djibouti in Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya.

The ships deliberately cruise close to the coast at a speed of just five nauticals in an attempt to attract interest of pirates.

Yeah.

Holy shits.

At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages.

These people are just paying to commit murder.

That's fucking awesome.

And I'll tell you what.

That is so Russian.

Yeah, so

fucking Russian.

And I think it's really cool.

Well, I do like that somebody

is capitalizing on what pieces of shit these wealthy people can be.

It's really cool.

I still hope

that luxury ocean liners in Russia.

Incredible.

Could you imagine?

$1,500 a day.

That's reasonable, man.

Yeah, you can tell that.

It's not that crazy.

It's not that crazy.

But is this in rubles or whatever?

No, that's just dollars.

Pounds.

U.S.

dollars there.

So six grand a day

to get hunted by the ball.

Yeah, I fucking hope we get attacked today, and I'm going to fire a rocket launcher into a ship with an 18-year-old Somali kid.

Right.

Just some poor

desperate kid who goes, I don't know what else to do.

I'm just trying to feed my family.

Dude, and then I did, and they fucking blew up.

It was amazing.

Yeah, that would be really cool.

That's really cool.

You know, and people, oh my Desus, who we've not seen.

Of course.

He made a, I think it's a perfect transition from that conversation, a collection of me as famous

killers.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

So there he did.

He made me as Ted Kaczynski right there.

It's really good.

It's really good.

There's another one.

Pretty cool.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

That's a Ted.

May I just point out that your eye bags really fit the profile.

They really help.

They are splendid.

Thank you.

Who's this fellow?

That's Larry Hall.

Oh, what did he?

I don't want to know what he did, actually.

Why am I asking?

Oh, there we go, Charlie.

Charlie Manson.

Yeah, that one's good.

Yeah.

Well, he really did a good job.

The swastika, he really burned in there.

Nice.

Yeah.

Oh.

Ed Kemper.

Okay.

I like how you know all these fellas right off the bat.

I don't even know these guys.

Look at that.

He's Dahmer.

That's good.

That is pretty cool, man.

Yeah, I kind of like you more as Dahmer.

You're cute as a hair.

Yeah.

Very cute.

There we are.

Green River Killer.

That one's one's awesome.

That is cool.

Wow.

Bundy.

There you go.

Fresh shaven.

That's a younger Tom.

I was just there.

I was just in Tallahassee.

That's where he was a big time goofball.

And he went into the.

Yo, here's a rich guy thing you can get into is doing pilgrimages to where like serial killer stuff happens.

So we were talking to the cops in Tallahassee, and we're like, hey,

you know the Bundy?

He's like, yeah.

You know that guy?

And we're like, so is that house, the Omega Kai house?

He's like, it's still there.

And

it's like, I was like, does it ever, you know, he's like, well, every once in a while, we'll get a call that some fucking weird guy is just like, can I take pictures?

And like, walk around?

Yeah.

And we have to go like take that guy out of there.

But he's like, yeah, it's still.

But that's another rich guy lane.

Like, for instance, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor.

When he recorded an album, he requested to record it in the Charles Manson Sharon Tate murder house on CLO Drive.

Very cool.

Yeah.

So you can do cool things.

The one who does cool stuff like that all the time is Yoshi.

He always goes to like

every location where something horrible has happened.

He's like, hi, I'm here.

People die here.

Tell them to chime in.

Yep.

Yep.

Son of Sam.

Your hairline's pretty cool there.

That is pretty cool.

He really nailed these Photoshops, man.

Dude, he's really talented.

John Wayne Gacy.

Oh, yeah.

Look at the smile.

you got your grand pretty crazy to smile on on an arrest like that you know but can i tell you why not you're already going down you're done i know you may as well do a goofy uh mugshot photo if you're gonna go down who cares oh my god look how sweet you are there who's that rod nail collar yeah yeah you look quite cute there sweet

and there's uh Dahmer again.

Yeah.

He really likes you as Dahmer.

He did you twice as Dahmer.

But three times as Kaczynski.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah, you matched that.

Pretty cool.

Good work.

Oh, my Jesus.

Good thing.

Good use of talent, huh?

Good use of, yeah.

I know you'll like something like this.

This is the old name prank thing.

Oh, I love that.

Did you say that you can call for my brother real quick?

Yeah.

Okay.

Perfect.

Is it Mike?

Yeah.

What's his last name?

Hoochie.

Hoochie.

Yeah.

Attention, customers.

Can I please have Mike?

Hoochie to the service desk, please.

Can I please have Mike Hoochie to the service desk?

Thank you.

What was that name again?

Mike.

Mike.

Hoochie.

Lead me bunk.

Can you please come to electronic?

Lee Bunker.

His name's Dylan.

He goes by Dill, though.

You can just say Dill.

What's his name?

Dill.

Dill Doe.

Rubbedee.

Rubbed D.

Yeah.

Last name's Snuts.

Nubbedee Snut.

Can you meet the party at the sitting room?

Rubber D Snot Snut.

Can you meet the party at the sitting room?

Oh, that's just good.

That's good fun.

There's two things I'm really into right now: the diarrhea videos and like the silly call-out name.

The diarrhea videos.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I always like that.

I like Kaka.

That guy who does like diarrhea tests.

Yeah, where he's like.

Look.

People always tag Christina P and Tom Segora from your mom's house podcast.

No, fucking.

More like, what?

Your mom's house prolapse

what is this true tom this is true this is true i didn't want this to come out today but it's christmas season oh wow yeah

well i'm still curious about his diarrhea findings i mean i get to the point you know yeah oh well i guess one

apparently ig took down his diarrhea test no

because i was hoping to get a thanksgiving one after that thankfully we've saved quite a few of them yeah yeah yeah thankfully thankfully yeah yeah diarrhea test yeah come on man.

Don't stop doing what you're good at.

Also,

you know our buddy Will Blunderfeld?

Of course I know Will Blunderfeld.

Speaking of butts and everything,

some of the team here, the research team, was able to find videos of his that were on another channel before he started doing all these learning and

informational posts.

No way.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

That's cool.

I like to see his early work.

What's up, yogis?

So the butt, the anus particularly, is considered considered very dirty and faggoty in our society.

I was expecting that.

Through the butthole quite often.

Yeah.

So you can see this.

Don't stretch it so hard.

It's quite tight.

Yikes.

Niana, can you please stop covering your face?

She says anytime you do any sort of anal play using a butt plug or a dildo, you should squeeze and release.

Wow.

I'm with Niana here.

I don't know what it is.

My anus is to kind of take the

lustfulness out of it, to take the lust is gone out of the anal area.

Isn't that cool?

Now, so we have the anal opening, and then an inch and a half, or sorry, five centimeters in from the inner wall is the walnut gland of the prostate.

The external pressure point for the prostate is right here.

So, not here, not here, but right before the anal opening, it's so grabby.

And it feels a little bit like you have to piss and a little bit like you're having an organ.

I invite you to just play with your anus,

especially

if you identify as a heterosexual male.

Placing the fingers on the music.

No, no, massage male.

I feel the same way right now.

Look, I love Will.

I love you, Will.

It's just, I tell you what, I don't like Tom.

Tell me.

What it's hard for me to watch, I should say.

I love him.

I love his anus.

I love his body.

I think he's fantastic.

He's just a little

grabby.

It's a little forceful how he opens his anus with his fingers.

You know, like, just be tender, sweet.

You'll get there.

Be tender.

You just got to kind of.

Yeah, just be tender.

You're thinking kind of like a person who's still dirty and faggoty but if you

kind of

relax into it it'll be fine okay

he's just so and his fingers are bigger than mine because he's a man you know and i just i feel for his anus because it's a little you don't like your anus

i don't i don't consider my anus a sexual

for me it's just caca

comes out yeah i don't i'm not into putting stuff in there no well this is a good transition for you because this is also something i've been so excited to share so many things with you today.

Here is one of them.

You can take it.

Here's a happy Thanksgiving in Trucks on the Avenue.

And today I'm going to demonstrate my pina water on ice, my red water on the ice.

Pinois on ice.

Italian busholone.

It's an Italian dish my grandma's started

about 80 years ago.

So let me show you how to drink the wine with it.

Here's your Italian food.

Okay.

Delicious.

Do that and then put that left.

Yeah, so good.

Once it helps some degree squid out.

Yeah, dude.

Good audio, too.

Or a video.

Yeah, you might want to go outdoors where maybe it's fine.

Maybe go to like a football game next time and

put it in the stand.

There you go.

Happy Thanksgiving.

He's absolutely my favorite.

Yeah.

I do like that he puts ice in red wine.

Look, your Floridian.

He's an outlier.

Oh, he's definitely.

He's a creator and inventor.

But your Floridian relatives all put ice in their white wine.

Yes.

Why not put it in the red?

Hey, do what you want.

Why not?

Whatever you like.

What rule is that?

There are rules.

Yeah, you can do whatever the heck you want.

I really like that.

You can drink what you want.

You can also make a salmon milkshake if you want.

Of course.

You know what I love when he,

which is so true because it's such a subtle distinction when he's like, you feel the grease going down your throat, and you're like, Yeah, that's the joy of eating a process to me, is the grease runs down your throat.

Yeah, you know, I never thought of it,

it's so good.

He's right, he's right.

Um,

so now is the most exciting part of this show: is we played an opening clip of a uh a legendary guy here.

Um, I'm sweating, I'm so excited.

Why is it not here?

Oh, there it is.

Oh, yeah.

Tony John.

You know, 19 virus.

God Enny's gone.

He does such a great impression of Tony John.

He does.

We'll have to reach out to him sometime.

So, and through the years, you know,

we learned about him getting a DUI,

take your Uvers,

you know.

And then things kind of took a turn you know things got kind of crazier with tony john you know it's been bugging me lately

my motherfucking neighbor you know keeps on you know harassing me whatever you know what i'm saying so yeah long story short you know his wife comes home early from work you know his wife comes home and uh you know she's like tony Can I get some help with my groceries?

Because I was, you know, working on my car.

I fucked fucked up a bulb on my passenger, you know, front side, but whatever.

So I was working on my car, and she's like, Can I have some, you know, helping with the groceries?

I was like, all right,

I'll help you with some groceries.

One thing, you know, leads to another.

I end up sleeping with my neighbor's wife.

We all fight here.

Wow.

And

I don't know.

Then it just like, we would, you know, we would hear from her from time to time.

It was like fun and playful and DUIs and fucking neighbors.

And then it was.

You want to fuck me in the ass?

Fuck you.

Come on, fuck me in the ass, motherfucker.

And it got kind of different, you know?

Yeah.

And then, you know, I don't know.

It's just.

And it's super crazy.

You know, I've been going through a lot lately.

You know, I've been going through a lot of shit.

You know, no fucking friends.

The government's fucking trying to fuck me over and I'm pissed off.

And then it kind of got to that place, and we were like, ah, shit.

And then we just kind of didn't hear from him for a long time.

Years.

And then we saw posts where

it was like, oh, he was like, I'm in a much better place now.

Right?

He posted that, like, he had reconnected with some family and he was working a job.

We're like, oh, that's great.

And then we come in, and the staff tells us that we're actually going to get to chat with him.

I cannot.

Hold on, before we even get into it, Tom.

yes

yes

this might be

like one of the greatest moments in ymh history it's pretty great i would say this could be as monumental as the time yeah we called rubber paul champagne it's pretty cool it is pretty cool i mean i've loved tony johns for years admired him laughed with him enjoyed his work and now we're gonna speak with him we're gonna chat with him yeah i'm super curious.

Oh my gosh.

Okay, can I pee first?

Because I'm like so excited.

Yeah, sure.

Okay,

and we are back.

Oh, my God.

You went peachy?

I did.

I'm just so nervous.

So now we're going to call Tony Johns.

Here we go.

Please answer.

How come cool guys can't just answer their phones?

It's so stringing.

Funny.

Cool guys don't know how phones work.

Well, what's going on?

Yo, Tony, what's up, man?

What's going on, partner?

What's going on, dude?

How are you?

Good, man.

How you been?

We're doing well, man.

We were just, you know, reminiscing on the old times when we first learned about you, and we're so excited to be able to chat with you now.

So

I'm Tom.

Of course, this is Christina.

Hi, Tony.

Hey, what's going on, you guys?

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so excited to speak with you.

Yeah, this is a real treat, man.

So let's, if you don't mind, like, where are you now?

Like,

where are you living now?

Upstate New York, man.

Upstate New York.

And

how are you liking it?

To be honest,

I like it, man.

I've met a lot of really,

you know, a lot of very, you know, nice people.

out here, so I like it, man.

That's good.

Tom, to be honest man like i do miss um out west too yeah um i really do but uh but new york's my home now so well yeah i mean you were the sexiest italian guy in utah so you have to take that's true oh yeah you have to take that leave that but now you're the guy in in upstate new york yeah man yeah i'm uh you know i'm trying to trying to you know i don't know Try my best just to, you know, stay focused and work in.

That's great.

Yeah, man.

I've been a Lowe's now for like three years.

So, I don't know, man.

I like it.

So, that's great.

So, you've met some good people.

It sounds like you have some stability, right, with life and with the job.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, I got my own place now.

Great.

Just kind of taking it day by day, man.

Yeah.

I have a question for you, Tony.

In a video, you said that you reunited with your, you said you found your maternal, your mother?

Uh what video was that?

Oh, okay.

I thought, I thought there was a video where you said you, like, reunited with your family or with your mother.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so I, um, I'm adopted.

I, uh, I moved out

here in New York to

be closer with my, with my, with my biological family.

Right.

Um,

uh,

yeah.

So, you did get to reconnect?

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, man.

That's great.

Wow.

So, I, but, yeah, no, it's uh,

I love it out here, you know, I really do.

I, I, all my family's out here now, and uh, yeah, I mean, things are going real good, Tom.

I haven't had a drink, and geez, man, ever since I was 23.

Wow,

my parents that adopted me out west, they ended up uh passing away, so I just packed up a couple suitcases and

moved out west or out

east so but yeah the whole the whole story is kind of wild

but I'm I'm doing a lot better now you guys that's great

that's great can I ask Tony what prompted this complete change in your life

it's kind of it's kind of sad story but it's also a good story my

My mom that adopted me out west was very very sick and she she wanted she she always wanted the best for me she wanted me to change she wanted me to you know stop partying stop drinking just because she knew i was to be honest you guys she she knew i was a very very nice man a very genuine person i just you know i like to party i like to you know have a good time um but that's you know that was one of the wishes that she that she wanted me to to you know to pursue to stop drinking stop partying you know party sober you know you don't you don't need to drink you know to have a good time which which i totally agree sure you know

that's awesome tony oh yeah i uh yeah i've been uh

yeah i you know like i'll go out and stuff but like i won't i won't drink if that makes sense no that does i mean people can go out and have a good time without having a drink for sure um back in the day like when we were first finding you know you were telling people take your uvers and all that shit you were you were really tying one on right like what was a tony john's party day like in the drinking time?

I just, to be honest, man, I partied by myself a lot of the times.

I,

you know, like, I don't know, man.

It was, I don't know.

Yeah, so, but you were, you were like a, were you a beer guy or were you like a cocktail guy?

You were a beer guy?

No, I, uh, Bud Lights and a whiskey, man.

I'm big Bud Light and Whiskey guy.

Got you.

Okay.

And that, and that's what, that's when you got a DUI baby.

Yeah, you got it.

Yep, yep.

So I, but, you know, I mean, and, you know, I, to be honest, Tom, like, I was, I was young, man.

You know, I was 21, 22 back then.

I was young and dumb.

You know, you know.

No, we were all there.

I know.

Yeah.

No, I totally, you know what?

I totally agree, Tom.

Like, you know, everybody does make mistakes in life, and it's just moving on from those mistakes.

Oh, I have a question, Tony.

We know that you've been a ladies' man your whole life.

Is there a potential future Mrs.

Johns?

To be honest, yes.

What?

Yes.

Tell us about her.

So

she probably doesn't want me to say this, but

I have been talking.

I've been on a few dates,

and

I...

I like this girl.

I'm not going to say her name.

Sure.

She's a local girl out here in Auburn.

And she's the only girl that I've been talking to.

She's really beautiful.

You know, blonde hair.

She's got tattoos.

Very, very beautiful girl.

Yeah, she's my age.

She's 27.

I'm 28.

So, but she's, you know, she's around my age.

But she's a very, very genuine, very kind, loving.

She's amazing.

Like, I really, really...

do probably see a future down the road with this girl.

Wow.

Wow.

So ladies' man is just going to become a one-lady man.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, Tom.

Okay.

All right.

Well,

these are all great updates.

You sound much more grounded and much more, you know, like happy and together with everything that you've found in your life with the job and the family and this girl.

This is all great news, man.

Thanks, Tom.

Yeah, I appreciate you, man.

Well, I hope you continue to, you know, pursue and embrace your sobriety and just, you know, surround yourself with good people thanks man and yeah this girl man I mean I've been on you know a couple dates now and you know things are going really well and nice

it's kind of I don't know I don't know you guys it's kind of love at first sight you know so it's kind of nice well let me tell you something Tony

everybody at the YMH family is rooting for you yes we are thrilled that you have your life in such great

place

and we're all rooting for you and will you will you please let us know if you do get married?

Yes, ma'am.

I will.

Yes, you got to.

You got to keep us up to date.

Can you give us a Tony John woo on your way out of here?

Oh, yeah.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

We are out of here.

You guys have a good night.

Hey, YouTube, bro.

Love you, Tony John.

Thanks, you guys.

Thanks, buddy.

Bye-bye.

Hey.

What?

Dude, that is...

Look, in the history of YMH, cool guys, we have yet to have one completely turn his life around.

I mean, that is a really remarkable call.

You normally don't ever leave the club once you're in.

You never.

You don't make it out alive.

That's for sure.

And

it's also remarkable how young this guy is.

I had no idea.

I had no idea.

So yeah.

There's no way to really, you know.

No, you can't tell.

I think we should really salute this guy.

I mean, seriously.

Yes.

Like he's turned his life around.

I'm deeply actually moved by Tony's story.

I mean, he really turned his shit around.

We didn't think of it.

First of all, it also shows you a cool guy has to leave his physical location.

He moved thousands of miles from

like where cool shit was happening.

Yeah,

embraced sobriety, which was very necessary for him.

surrounded himself with family people who love you and care about you, got a job that is stable, and he's going to that.

So it's all the things that you think that somebody could, in this situation, would be incapable of doing, and he did it.

So it's

very impressive now.

But, however, in true cool guy fashion, yeah, crummy audio.

Yeah, the audio will never change.

You always have to have that.

The camera angles and the audio, it's like your DNA.

You just can't, you can't shake it.

You can't shake it.

You can take the cool guy out of the club, but you can't.

No, you can't take the coolness out of the fucking recording quality.

No, never.

But I'm genuinely thrilled for him.

I am too.

I never, I never thought we would see a cool guy.

This really is a holiday season

episode.

Yeah.

It's a Christmas vibe.

It's Christmas vibes all the way.

God bless Tony.

Very fucking cool, bro.

God bless every one of us, even Tony Johns.

Yeah.

Especially Tony Johns.

Speaking of a different cool guy, we were on a family trip.

I know what you're going to bring up.

I've been thinking about it every day.

And this guy, we were at the pool at a nice hotel, we're at a nice hotel, yeah.

And we see this old piece of shit walk in

with his lady.

They're both

fucking about to go.

Can I tell you something?

Can I tell you something?

I felt that he wasn't a good person, and nor was his wife.

When we came in, I could tell they weren't like nice.

He fucking hobbles over, right?

Hobbles over and he sit lays on a fucking like a pool chair, whatever you want to to call it, right?

And he's just laying there.

And then at one point, I'm sitting next to you and I go, hey, look over here.

Oh, my God.

This fucking guy decided to throw, just, he lay down, put a towel over himself, kind of half put over himself, take off his shorts and his underwear and put on his bathing suit right there at the pool and lean.

So you get like ass shots and ball shots as he pulls up.

And then when you finally are ready to pull up, he just dropped the towel full ass moon to everybody and puts on his bathing suit.

It's like, hey, buddy, there's bathrooms here.

Oh, not in the room.

There's also rooms in your fucking, your hotel room is here.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know that our children are so modest they won't do that?

Like, I offered, like, hey, put a towel around you.

And no.

Yeah.

This man,

the audacity of somebody to show their balls and their old ass to everybody.

Lazy and inconsiderate.

And just for that, we don't know who you are.

We don't know your name.

We don't think about you, but you.

The Cool Guy Club.

Yeah.

Are the newest member of the Cool Guy Club?

But what's interesting about,

so Tom and I,

I would, I mean, I don't think you would disagree with me, but we love people watching.

I think you and I are,

in addition to our new love of murder together, that's a new thing we're going to get into together.

I'm on the John Bonet case.

I'm completely whatever.

I'm so deep into this, solving this crime, I'm almost there.

But we love observing people in the wild crazy people remember it was at the same resort we saw a guy

scrub his foot skin off of his feet with the cheese grater that you used to scrape

actual instrument at the pool at the pool he just was like i'll just shave this here i mean are you out now do you think it has to do with just being old yeah and not caring anymore about anybody yeah just like i'm doing this.

I need to do this.

I don't care.

Is there a sign that says I can't scrape my feet here?

Yeah, it's just totally, just totally inconsiderate.

I know.

I feel like they have to put signs on.

Just another old piece of shit.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Ridiculous.

And that's one that's burned into my mind every time I go to a public pool now, is the guy shaving his feet off.

Ugh.

I've seen people clip their toenails at the gate of an airport.

I've seen that too.

Because you're also like, are you out of your mind?

Unforgivable.

I've seen somebody eat a bag of hard-boiled eggs at the fucking at the terminal.

That is so disgusting and smelly, guys.

Come on.

So crazy.

I know.

I know you're not a sports fan.

Yeah.

You have to see this.

This is one of the

generational baseball prospect.

Okay.

Look how this guy fucking pitches here.

Look at this.

This is insane.

Looks like Rob Eiler.

Whoa.

I hate you.

He's so crazy.

Like, you know, you're going to vomit.

Just for people listening, it's a guy that pitched and he's puking at the same time.

During the pitch.

And so this clip went viral and this guy was like, yeah.

Just to clarify, yes, I was sick, but he stayed in the game and he still pitched.

Sick.

Puking during his pitches.

Isn't that crazy?

Fucking unbelievable.

I hate you so fucking much.

You just wait for this next drawing.

I'm not looking at it again, you shitbag.

You think I'm stupid?

Fool me once, dummy.

I'm not looking, you dumb fucking piece of shit.

You almost got it.

I hope you choke on your fucking roogie.

Ugh.

No.

Yep.

You just wait for this picture.

Oh, you think I'm expecting something nice from you?

No, you're a terrible person.

I know.

I hate you so much.

Why are you showing me that?

I just thought it was cool.

It's not fucking cool.

I thought it was cool.

Why do you have to ruin my day?

I was so happy to talk to TikTok.

I was too.

I just thought it was fun.

You're such a fucking asshole.

All right, here's your TikToks.

Oh, that makes me happier.

A big black dick,

but only in my mouth.

I'm already 60 and I'm already worried about anal leakage problems.

I don't need that asshole stretched out any more than it is.

He's Canadian.

I've seen this guy's clips before.

It's pretty cool.

Stretched out?

Yeah.

Yep.

He wants a big black one, but only in his mouth.

Well, yeah, you don't want your asshole stretched out.

Do you want your mouth stretched out?

No.

I don't know.

Talk to Will.

he's the expert on this kind of stuff actually we should ask him he might yeah he might have an opinion on that yeah everyone's different though there's people right now who are going like this yeah

which team are you on getting your mouth stretched out like no i don't want that you think people are really discussing this topic right now i mean there's internally somebody right now is like i love having my mouth stretched out and then somebody's like

i don't know i mean it If I had to choose between my anus or my mouth, I'd do my mouth.

But you don't have to choose.

That's the thing.

He's like, you don't have to choose.

You can say.

That just blew my mind up.

Yeah, you can just be like, I don't want anything stretched out.

Or both.

I don't have to make the choice.

You choose for me.

You do both.

Or you can go, yeah, you can go stretch everything out, stretch nothing out, stretch one of these out.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

I had a bijitski effect this morning.

Hold on.

Never mind.

Please read what Liana or Tanner just put up.

The human anus can stretch up to seven inches before taking damage.

A raccoon can squeeze into holes as tight as four inches, meaning you can take almost two full raccoons up your ass.

It's really, that's really important.

That is really good information.

Two raccoons.

Yeah.

That's fucking amazing.

So if you had to choose, you'd choose your mouth.

Yeah, wouldn't you?

Well, yeah, between the two.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But like I said, you don't have to sign up for having your mouth stretched either.

No, you don't.

Wow, it sounds like you just did.

Can I tell you my Pajicki effect?

Can I tell you my Pajicki effect that I had this morning?

Sure.

So for those of you who don't know, that's when you realize you've been doing something stupid your whole fucking life.

And then you're like, oh, I don't have to be stupid and dumb and retarded.

I can

do something different.

Yeah.

Okay.

The way our bathroom is set up, the towels are on the other end of the bathroom and the shower is here.

Okay.

Because there's the cupboard, but it's on the other end of the thing.

Every fucking day, I forget to get myself a towel out of the cupboard and walk it over to the shower.

I forget.

So now I'm getting out of the shower and I'm fucking cold and wet and then I got to tiptoe on the slippery ass tile.

To get a towel.

To get a fucking towel.

And you know what I realized today, Tom Seguera?

Tell me.

I can put a towel rack directly outside of the shower so that I just reach.

Yeah.

But there also is a rack.

There's that hanging rack.

Where?

That's right outside the shower.

Oh, but I put my shower caps on there.

I put a towel on there.

Hold on.

Here's, I agree.

I agree.

Hold on, hold Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

That's if you remember to put a towel on the wreck.

I'm saying if I get a shelf, sorry, that's the word I should have used.

A shelf.

Near.

And you stack like five towels on the shelf right there.

Yeah.

Wow.

You're really firing on all fucking spirits.

Buddy, buddy.

I mean, now I'm living in luxury.

Where am I putting my fucking...

Good one.

You're hunting Somali pirates.

I'm toweling off.

What does it mean you dream you're naked and tied to a cross?

And Bohemian Rhapsody is being played very loudly on the stereo while a nun tortures your nuts.

Okay, I don't want it.

Let's do it.

No, I know.

I hate him.

That's Gregory hanging.

I tried, however.

Hi, Greg.

Oh, what a good tiger.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, Gregory.

Oh, no.

You.

I'm glad my car coffee.

Gee, gracious, where is Gregory?

What are you doing?

He looks a bit peckish.

You think we ought to feed him?

Ah!

I think think he's a good fish.

Oh, he's hiding and take his own food.

He's like,

he's amazingly agile.

I mean, you've got it up there, like

one of your little pet cats, one of the house cats.

I don't think he cares at that time.

I can't believe what I'm saying.

You're going to sit here and relax, would you?

Gregory!

That's easier said than done.

Gregory, where are you?

Oh, what a grandmother.

Where are you?

So, Tippi Hedron, the famous actress that was in like Hitchcock movies, had a fucking pet tiger.

Gregory.

Gregory.

And that.

He still has his nuts that are just hanging

full of fucking rage?

That means that he wants to mate and fucking dominate, spread his seed.

It's cool.

And just bite her head off.

He's fucking huge.

He's enormous.

She's like, he is the sweetest little guy.

He would never.

And that's the thing is these dummies never think that their beloved pet tiger is going to attack them.

Did she die by her tiger?

I hope so.

Let's look it up.

Okay.

I really hope so, right?

At the very least, least, I hope that the tiger ate her tiger.

In your face with your period blood?

Yeah.

This is a whole lane of the talk where women are reclaiming their menstrual cycles.

Some of them are free bleeding into lakes and rivers.

Some of them are rubbing the blood on their faces for I just thought this was some American Indian shit.

You know, like this is like a Cherokee rite of passage.

Is that not what's happening?

Wow.

Read it.

Tippy Hedron is still alive, lives with lions and tigers at her California animal sanctuary.

Jesus.

How old is she?

She looked old in that fucking thing.

You know.

Maybe she's, I don't know.

I don't know how she's doing it.

I don't know how she's doing it.

How is she doing it?

She's 94.

Good.

Wow.

And that is the age to get eaten, too.

Like,

when you are like that,

and your skin is like paper, and that thing just, but it does, it goes to give her a hug hug and she tears open, and then it's like, I'll just eat this.

Yeah.

So frail.

That tippy's a snack for that.

That's Melanie Griffith's mom?

I had no idea.

I didn't know that.

I guess she's a legacy family.

Excuse me?

What?

God.

Look, can I tell you something?

There is a point where you do too much shit to your face that you can't take it back.

That's happening left and right now.

This is the era of too much shit to your face.

Still living in it.

Doing too much shit to your face.

I mean, I'm obviously going to get my nose fixed.

You got to do that.

You got to do that.

I mean, stop doing that.

You did this.

You got to look old, dude.

It's okay.

Just be old.

Fuck.

I'd rather look old than weird.

Eating ground beef.

What the fuck?

So this woman is just sitting on some steps out in the public eating out of ground, just eating a ground beef.

From the, from the, uh yeah, from the packaging, like from the grocery store.

She's enjoying it.

To be fair,

you know,

she looks like

what, Tom?

You know.

What?

She's making a whole bunch of different decisions.

At first, I forgot I had curated this.

I thought it was sour belts.

And I was like, I fucking love sour belts.

And I was like, oh, those aren't sour belts.

Those aren't sour belts.

Those are meaty belts.

Holly, I'm begging you with all my heart and soul, Holly, please respond to me.

Please, Holly, I can prove you everything I'm saying to you.

To give me a chance to talk to me, Hollis, please.

I've been in Permanent over two years looking for you.

Please don't do this to me.

Two years.

Please respond to me, please.

I'm begging you.

I'll do anything.

It just ends there?

Ends like that?

Does anybody know Holly?

Can somebody help this man?

Can somebody fucking, it's two years he's been doing this.

Please, somebody.

Tell Holly he still loves her.

Jeff still loves you.

It's Chuck.

I think it's Chuck.

Oh, Chuck loves you.

Chuck is really out there.

Tent out there.

He's by the freeway wearing his tap-out hoodie and he's just looking for you.

Oh, my God.

They still make those?

Yeah, I think so.

Is tap-out still real?

I don't know.

I haven't.

It's been a while.

It's like Fubo.

Oh, my God.

So this?

Do you guys...

Holy shit.

How is this the craziest talk I've seen?

So if you really love your dog, I mean, only if you really love your dog, when it dies, you can make a pelt out of its dead corpse so that you can lay it down on the floor

in front of the fireplace.

Just where...

Just where he used to.

Just where he used to lay.

That's where Chub Chubb used to lay right there in front of the fireplace.

What is that?

And you're like, well,

they took the bones and guts out of our dog and

left his fur here.

And we get to lay on it and miss him.

It's great.

And here's the thing.

It's fucking crazy.

But here's the deal, man.

Five grand for a fur.

For a fucking real pet pelt.

Here's the thing.

You and I love pets, obviously.

Like, we're obsessed with our animals.

I'm kind of torn because, hold on.

You know how much we loved FIF.

Do you think you could see?

Where is FIFA?

Oh, wait, where's his six tits?

I don't know.

Oh, this is nice that this is here now.

That's cool.

I didn't know that that was there.

And there's Tony John.

That's cool.

Woo!

Right behind you.

Yeah, that's awesome.

But don't you love them?

Like, don't, it's like,

yeah, you get to see them, but you get to see them in kind of a fucked-up way.

Kind of fucked up.

It looks like a fucking cement truck rolled over your dog.

And that's what you see every day when you watch it.

FIFO is behind the portrait.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I mean, like, do you want to see a mushed sad version?

I don't like this at all.

What about, I mean, what about taxidermy?

You could just stuff your, I don't know, I think you just say goodbye.

I think you say goodbye.

Photos are cool.

Yeah, I've picked up

videos and stuff.

Oh, my God.

Rock climbing.

Tom loves this cave climbing, I should say.

So right now, I'm.

Oh, man.

It's crazy how I can feel the, I can literally feel the anxiety spike when we watch a clip like this.

Yeah, yeah.

It's so narrow.

I don't like this.

Why not?

I don't like this.

Why?

You're so fucking.

This is a guy who's got a snake attached to his forehead.

Tanner, what's he saying in Filipino?

Togal?

What is he saying?

He's saying, ouch, this kind of hurts.

He's just chilling, though.

What the?

Can somebody fucking take it off of his forehead?

Can I tell you what's interesting, though?

Because this guy obviously fucks around a lot with animals.

He knows that if you go like this to rip it off, he's probably going to tear his forehead off.

Yeah.

So he's just kind of like letting it deposit its venom, and then he's going to pull it off.

Isn't that nice?

He knows.

He knows that if you go

like that.

It's like that lady that got bit by a gator that one time, and she rolled on the death roll and preserved her arm.

Yeah.

Because everybody else would just kind of go, oh, and then your arm goes flying off.

But can I tell you that I don't think I would have the wherewithal to just allow the snake to behave?

That's how fucking simple.

You'd have to just skin graft my forehead.

Just rip the skin off.

He's in a new location.

That snake's not going anywhere.

He's laughing now.

All right.

I think you're almost done with it.

I think he can rip it off now.

I think so too.

He's probably one of these who's like, I'm in his house.

I don't want to upset him.

You know?

Oh, fuck.

There you go.

Jesus.

Yeah, you dummy.

How do you get bitten in the face?

That means you're face to face with a snake, stupid.

What did he say?

Don't you translate it?

I don't know yet.

I think he, can I tell you what happened in my mind?

He says, oh, taka tuck, the green snake.

And then

he

leaned down with his friend and he was like, taka, tick-tak-a.

I'm going to put my face in the green.

Put my face in the tick-a-tuck.

Yeah, that's what you think.

And then it latched on.

Well, how the fuck does a snake get to your forehead?

I don't know.

It doesn't fall from a tree and just bite your forehead at that angle.

He leaned down.

He's in the fucking jungle.

So I don't know.

It could have been anything then.

Stupid.

All right.

I'm literally making a helmet bed right now.

And I just need a cuddle buddy.

That's all I'm asking for.

A cuddle buddy.

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

Right?

That's a fucking lie.

No.

You say that you want a cuddle buddy, and oh, what?

I go over there.

I'm like, all right, I'll fucking cuddle with you.

And then all of a sudden, you're like, oh, I'm sorry.

Look what happened downstairs.

And now you're trying to fuck me.

Yeah.

So I'm not falling for this again.

I agree, Tom.

No, you're lying.

He's not fooling me either.

Gotta cut the

so

poor, whoever speaks, I guess I think it's Tagalog grammar speaking, is like they're very upset with us right now.

Why?

What are we doing?

Pronunciation is not very.

Well, I mean, I'm trying.

I love languages.

I do.

Yeah, this guy is totally bluffing.

Yeah.

He's not looking for a cuddlebait at all.

I'm naky naky right now, and I just want to cuddle.

That's all I'm asking for.

No, it's not.

Nah, he's lying.

He's a foolery fooling us.

We've all fallen for this trick.

I've fallen for it in college and stuff.

You're like, oh, you want to cuddle?

I love cuddles.

I fucking totally fell for this, like, freshman year.

Mm-hmm.

Somebody got you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, everybody falls for the cuddle.

All I want to do is just have somebody hold me.

I know.

I fell for it.

Yeah.

God.

I just want to watch this movie with someone.

Oh, yeah, the movie.

Uh-oh.

Just ignore my bone.

Oh.

And then you're like, wait a minute.

Why is your finger in my asshole?

Okay.

Bye-bye now.

My asshole.

My asshole.

Okay.

Well, this was a great episode.

I had so much fun.

So did I.

I had so much fun with you, Jeans.

Thank you guys for watching.

Thank you for listening.

Make sure you visit the shops and the stores.

Get some lipstick from Christina P.

Get some merch from the YMH store.

Get some tickets.

I'm going on.

I'm on tour.

I have a whole bunch of cities that we have announced.

and that's going to be it for us.

But we're going to leave you.

We started on the Greasy E by Max Newman.

We'll leave you on another Chuck Woolry Classic.

This is Greasy by Ghost Grew.

So, yeah, we're saying goodbye.

Bye, Jeans.

Bye, Jeans.

Oh, yeah.

Bo bro boom boom.

I'm Chuck Woolery.

I don't like like taking the pills,

but I have found something that works.

Australia's dream.

I'm Chuck Fullery.

Australia's dream.

I don't like taking pills.

Australia's dream.

I'm John Wolery.

I don't like taking pills,

but I have found something that works.

Australian dream.

Hey, you just watched an episode of your mom's house.

I hope you enjoyed it.

And if not, watch another one.

Maybe you'll like that one.

They're everywhere.

Look, I don't know.

You place them in like cubes or squares or whatever this is.

Just click another one.

Maybe you'll find one you like.

Or someone will get hurt and everybody likes that.

Don't forget to subscribe.