Checking In With Cool Guy Tony Johns | YMH Ep. 789

Well, welcome,

welcome to your mom's house.

And here we go. Here you go.
Here you go.

Ducks smell, smell, duck, burn.

Ducks smell, duck burn,

run, run,

Oh my god.

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Hell yeah. What a banger.
What a banger. Rest in peace.
So Chuck Willard just died. And we got.

For people that don't know, I mean, Chuck was one of the OG clips that we, because there's a Australian burn.

And it was a cream that

dream. Sorry, Australian Dream doesn't burn.
Yeah. And isn't isn't greasy that's what he would say in the copy and we would talk about it on the podcast and people would bombard him like

everybody you'd go on twitter it was just pages of people being like Chuck is it greasy

and it doesn't burn one day he responded he put out a tweet and he was like I guess it's uh it's my folksy Kentucky upbringing and I you know he was like ha he didn't get that we were all being like why do you say it like a fucking dope

well it didn't greasy It doesn't burn. It didn't greasy.
And here's the interesting part is that Chuck Woolery, for those of you who aren't ancient like I am, hosted a TV show called Love Connection.

Maybe back in 2-2. 2-2 for like a long time.
So he was a professional broadcaster. Yeah.
And my mother was smitten with him in love with him. I think a lot of women were.
He's a handsome guy. Yeah.

And he was,

you know, he was the kind of like the matchmaker, the male matchmaker. He was the matchmaker.

And then people, this is before we would video the dates, and people would come on the show and retell the events of the dates.

And then Chuck would be like, Tom, did you feel like you could give Christina a good night kiss? And I'd be like, well, I was a little nervous. And

I had a lot of garlic for dinner.

So cute.

It was so innocent. Give it up for Mike.
You remember that? Yeah.

Where's the clip of him saying that a guy's an FAG?

Where's that clip? Because it's unbelievable. You ever seen that one?

No. Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's like a guy.

And they'd type out the word, and his last name was F-A-G-O-T.

Which always kills me that people don't just change their name. This is so crazy.
I mean, unless he was goofing on Chuck, which he may have been. No, this is like a real thing.

I'll play the clip.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he claims that his job has cost him several relationships. please welcome robert faguhood still rather an odd name yeah you know it is an odd name

it's also like you don't think that guy had heard that enough in his life then chuck ruler you'd be like kind of an odd name and he's like yeah i know yeah richard hitler you didn't think to change your last this guy's parents how do you not just petition to just go buy something else well it's so listen women do it all the time When you get married, you go down to the social security office, you go to the DMV, you bring the license, you change your name.

You change your damn thing. You change your name.
Yeah. You can just do that.
You can change your name to anything you want. You can.
Yeah. It's totally possible.
It's so crazy.

But yeah, God, Chuck Willery brought us so much joy for so long

on your mom's house. Rest in peace.
He was great. Yeah.
He was great. And he was a hardcore MAGA guy.
So he would have been, it's so sad. He really was.

He would have been been real happy

maybe this was like maybe he went out like with a huge smile on his face where he's like the country's safe

that's why he felt like he could pass yeah because on twitter there for a while he was getting real spicy yeah i remember he was getting real i just got an email this morning i got invited to um go to the inauguration you did yeah um but it's a it's a paid you know you pay because you're basically funding the inauguration okay yeah it's a really cool offer

um you mean you didn't contribute to Trump's campaign?

It's so much money, too. It's like to go to an inaugural.
Can you imagine just going there to see some blowhard walk down the street and wave? And you're like, I'll pay for this. Sure.

I think just the sheer volume of people going and the

getting in and out of the area and what a disaster. Just

regardless of who's being inaugurated. I agree.

I wouldn't do it. I'm saying to pay to go to an inauguration would just sound like such a nightmare.
The only inauguration I would go to and pay for was is

Will Blunderfeld. Oh, really? When he wins, I'll go.
When he wins? He might run for Prez. He's Canadian.
Oh, that's true. Prime Minister? Of Canada.
Sure.

He could run.

It's so funny that you didn't know this, but we actually have some new Will Blunderfeld clips. You're kidding.
I swear. It's my favorite.
Yeah.

Well, I think we should probably play the opening of this show. Oh, my God.
We got so excited. God, today is just...

I woke up this morning beyond excited about what we got. There's a lot going on today.
It's so good. It's really exciting.
Oh, my God. All right, here you go.
Here's your opener, ready?

Here you go. I just want to say, deadass, the reason why I'm wearing this fucking yellow fucking weird thing

is my ass is going to be doing community service for the state of Utah.

Woo! I got a D-U-Y, baby.

Oh my god.

Don't bring anyone mother into this. Your mom and the fuck is dead.
Welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Sagura, Tom Sutsukura. And Christina Pajitsi.
Christina Pajitsi.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

There you go. It's the classic.
And there's a reason why he's going to be considered a that why this is a classic today.

We'll get to it in a little bit. I think there's a lot to get into first.
I'm overwhelmed with how much cool stuff is here. Me too.
Can I tell you?

I woke up this morning just so lathered up to come into the studio and record today's episode, just knowing the vintage YMH stuff we have. And not only that, I would like to take an opportunity here.

If you haven't bought your Christmas gift for your lady or gender-neutral person in your life that loves lipstick, could be a guy. Could be a guy.
It's not just for women. It's not just for women.

It's for cats. It's for pets.
It's for whatever you want. The perfect four.
these are all four of my lipstick colors, Atomic Red Madison Berlin. And of course, the Perfect Red comes in the package.

Buy it. Now I'm wearing Berlin today to show you how moody.
Oh, yeah. Aren't I seductive? Weird a little bit and mysterious.
Is that called Berlin? Yeah,

it looks like a German girl. Thank you.
That's the whole point.

I was so inspired by my trip, though. Sultry, fucking dark German girl who's like, yeah, you lay on the ground and I'll squat over your face.
Exactly. Okay.
And exactly.

And I tell you what, you buy this lipstick for your lady. Yes.
She's going to squat over your face. That is exciting.

You may notice if you're watching today's episode, there's a few new faces in the booth, and there's a reason for that.

We let go of the other staff that was in there because they were exceptionally disrespectful on the last episode of this show. So we said bye-bye to them and hello to the new trio.

You know, you don't think you're overreacting a little bit? I do not. I think I'm embracing the Christmas spirit.

Tom, it was, for those of you who don't know what he's referring to, it was the choke heard around the world. Here it is, for those that don't know.
Hey, guys, I was listening

to the Adrienne Appalouche episode. By the way, she has a great news special out on

Netflix.

You guys are, of course, what? I just choked for a second.

I can't choke. Hey, fuck you.
It was just scary. On Netflix.
Why is it scary? I got scared. I thought you were dying.
Everyone's fired.

We just were worried. I mean, weren't we all concerned? I'm fine.

I'm going to do a drawing for you choking on some of these.

I already know it's going to go in my head.

There's repercussions. Oh, no.
Oh, yes, there are. What are you getting to? Well, there's no Christmas party anymore.
And I'm not doing end-of-year bonuses, and I am taking back your gift.

Now, let's move on to the next segment.

Fucking done. What made you choke? Netflix.
I can't wait to see you choke.

I hope it's bad. You're spicy today, Tom.
You're zesty. You're spicy.
It's sad that we're going to have an all-new staff after the new year, but I'm looking forward to meeting them.

This is everyone's last show, so

say your goodbye.

Happy holidays. We'll see you soon.
There it is. There's the whole thing.
And that's why you fired everybody and you brought in

this team. This is unbelievable.
You don't think it's... I like these new faces so much more.
I was so over the other ones. You don't think this is a little overreactive? No, I think it's perfect.

I think everyone's got to understand things in life. Tom, let's go over the moment of the choke.
Okay. What happened?

I mean, I feel like some saliva just kind of, you know,

just kind of passed through as I was trying to speak. If I wasn't speaking, nobody would have noticed of it.
So I was speaking and I just...

Had a little...

Do you think the saliva was because you had a roogie?

Did you have a roogie in your mouth? I did have a rogue in my mouth. Yeah, I love rogies.
Speaking of rogies,

it's a great time.

This is not a plug. It's not a plug.
It's life.

I love my rogues.

Stupid. It's not a plug.
It's life. So dumb.
Somebody gave me,

I did the Dallas bar takeover for Porosos last week at the tavern, which was the best experience I've ever had doing a bar takeover.

Like, honestly, we all walked out of there like, oh, man, if they're like this, just we could do them. It was just the place was great.
Somebody gave, they're like, I know you like rogies.

I gave me a fresh can of rogues. Their thing is on there, their handle.
I can't read it, though, at Cody something.

Anyway, great gift. Thanks.
Great gift. Great gift.
So let's get back to the choke. Yeah.
So I got a rogue in it.

And

everything's better already.

I forget. Were you reading something there? I was getting ready.
I was talking about Adrian Appalucci's new

special. I was saying it's great.
And I was reading, I think I was reading a message from someone about it. And then as it, I choked, and then you were like,

and then

the level of

disrespect from the booth was, I could not ignore it. Yeah.
And so it was just time to

chop their heads off. Off with their heads.

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Not available in all states.

Yeah, because

what struck, I think,

the former staff and I was

you didn't acknowledge the choke. And usually, broadcasters or even Chuck Woolery would be, oh, excuse me, pardon me.
Yeah. Maybe I, oh my goodness, you know, and you just,

oh, my goodness. Yeah, whoopsie, whoopsie daisy, I choked.
Okay. You didn't acknowledge it.
What, what was going on in your mind?

I was just like, this is something that everybody understands who's ever spoken, that things like this happen sometimes. So I just thought everybody was like, yeah, I know what that is.
I didn't.

I thought you were having a seizure and I thought maybe you were going to collapse. And I was just happy that you were, yes, still talking.

But the fact that it was the unacknowledgement of the choke that people were really taken with,

I thought it was, yeah, really funny. Okay.
So it's taken over the YMH world. I know a lot of people have the choke hurt.
I'm going to be producing another piece of art to commemorate

the choke. Just give me some time.
I'm working on it. These things take hours.
You mean like this?

Yeah, this last one that you did that was it takes days and hours and weeks. Yeah, there's my portrait.
Clearly,

the thing that's supposed to be me that sold like hotcakes, your super disrespectful artwork, it looks a lot more like Ari Schaefer than it does me. Well, hold on.

First of all, I'd like to support everyone that purchased a print of my portrait of Tom. Thank you for supporting the arts.
Here's the deal, man.

This is what I thought because Ari claims that my portrait looks more like him. He does.
Hold on. Is it that the portrait looks like Ari

or that you look like a Jew?

Have you thought about your Jewish features? I'm trying to think what else I can take away from you right now.

Niana's laughing in the booth. Is she going to get fired too? I'm focused on you right now.

But you don't think that you have a Jewish...

It is the nose. Everybody can see the nose is very...
Oh, you just look look at his profile. Just now, he lays.
Look at that.

It hangs over a lot.

Okay.

Is Josh Zolo still around? No, he's gone. We have a...

The point is... I thought we were doing away with all Jews here.
It is Christmas time. Let's look at some features.

That's great, guys. Yeah, I think that.
Okay, I mean, look at the young lady on the top. Yeah, there you go.
What is the link there that says, see the second from the left

where it says, no, no, go to go one to the left? That says nose job numbers are, shoot down. I wonder what is that about?

For Jews.

Nose jobs are no longer a thing among teenage Jewish girls. Graduation presents, birthday gifts, Hanukkah handouts.
We don't know.

We don't want to know what you received on the second. For decades, nose jobs have been a common bequest in the Jewish community.
Sure. Okay.

Fueled, okay, scroll down a little bit. Fueled by a struggling economy, cosmetic surgeries, nose jobs being no exception are declining across the board.

Wait, this is an old article, though, right?

Or when was this printed? Yeah, 2012. That's very old.
All right, never mind.

I remember a girl in high school

who was 14

and had a schnaz, like a real fucking beak.

And she came in, I think it was after the summer break

with the nose job and looked gorgeous.

It's really crazy what I can do. No, I did not date her.

There you go. That's Tom.
Yeah, there you go. Can you lift up the glasses a little bit so we can see your full note? Yeah, and the older you get,

turn to the side, please, profile. Yeah, it's just getting more and more longer, elongated, Jewish nature.
I get, people believe.

I'm the baldness.

They'll believe if I'm Jewish. I think they also believe if I'm French.
I've had that a lot. When I was in France, everybody thought I was French.
Yeah. Yeah.

When you have allergies and you're very like

celiac disease,

you can't eat certain things. It irritates your bowels.
My bowels are bothering me. I hear that a lot from you, Ira.

Okay.

You're always talking about money.

I'm always talking about money.

Okay.

What was I going to tell you? Now I've forgotten my train of thought. Yeah, French, kind of, sure.
I think it's more your attitude, kind of arrogant, like the French. I know you like

their arrogance and such. This is a really fun episode.
Keep going.

I'm going to make a portrait. Just give me time, people.
Of a French jewel, smug, money grubby. Choking at the same time.

Yeah.

Well, you know, you look great today. Your hair looks nice.
Thanks.

Can I put these back on? I can't see. Yeah, put them back on, Dad.
Put your damn dad glasses on. There we go.
Now.

All right. Well, I think it looks more like Ari Schaefer than it does me.
God, it actually looks like a fucking exact portrait of him.

Again, I think it's that you look like Ari Schaefer. Not that the drawing looks like.
Do you guys think that too?

Think carefully before you answer. Jeez.

No, never.

Negative, sir.

Are you happy now? You've terrorized the staff. I'm not trying to terrorize.
I just want to. You've terrorized them.
I didn't do anything. Is this what you want as a celebrity?

You want everybody to be afraid of you and just kowtow, cowering in fear? Well, I'm not doing it, Segura. I'm not doing it.
I don't care.

You're going to fire me from your mom's house? Good luck.

Good luck.

I've got two million people ordering prints that support me here.

Okay.

Good.

You're still going to have a bad Christmas. You shut up.

I've never felt more validated in my life. For what?

So let's come back to you, though, Mr. Schroeder.
So, how much have you paid your gate agents to enforce your carry-on bag policy, to pick people out of the line, like the chairman's video show?

I mean, you guys do appreciate that flying on your airlines is a disaster, don't you? I'm slightly amazed by the general attitude of all of you here. Flying on your airlines is horrible.

It's a terrible experience. I mean, I say this as a father of three young children.

But I can't tell you,

nobody enjoys flying on your airlines. It's a disaster.
You charge people fees that they know nothing about. You harass them to death.
Yeah. Amen.

Senator Hawley giving it to a couple CEOs about

the carry-on policy. And let me just say this.

I was right. And I'm always right.
And that girl is a fucking

fuck you. Oh, is this the, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

What was the story again? She told you to. This fucking bitch.
Okay.

Let me tell you something. Okay.
I am boarding a flight from JFK to Austin, and I'm first in line. I'm first in line to board.
Yeah. And this bitch goes, hey, you're going to have to check that bag.

And I'm like, what are we flying on a fucking regional jet from New or from New York? How big, Colin?

What bag was it? Was it big? Was it a double bag? It's my daily, it's my roller that I take

every single trip. It's a classic-sized carry-on.
It's an overhead. Yeah.
Okay, okay. And this fucking bitch goes, hey, you're going to have to check that bag.
And I go, really?

What kind of aircraft are we flying on today? And they're like, oh, you know, I'm like, is it a regional plane? Because sometimes you do fly the little puddle jumping.

The Barbie plane. Where you check everything? Yeah.
I'm like, are we on one of those? Yeah. And they're like, oh, no, you're on like a 737 or something.

I'm like, well, this is the same bag I flew here with. And I fly everywhere with this bag.
No, it's too big. And I'm like, what?

So

anyway,

I have

another employee from the airline with me there. And I go, why is she doing this? And she goes, gate agents

like rule this area. Like we can't over speak over them basically, right? And I'm like, like whatever she decides is a thing.
And I'm just like, why are you doing this? She's like, it's too big.

And I'm like, it's not too big.

Anyway, you just give it up, which is what I did. You just go, okay.

Hold on, hold on. So then I get on the plane.
I get on the plane and I look and I'm like, this is a standard overhead thing. So I ask again, I go, why did they take the bag? Right?

Now, they're just like, she just decided to. But this informs you as to why.
No, no, this informs you as to why. It's because the airlines are paying gate agents to confiscate bags.

So they're giving them incentives. They're doing it to make money.

So the fucking

that I, so then I went, I went on Twitter and I sat there and I just wrote, what a fucking bitch, you know, fucking whatever. And everyone's like, oh, you threw a tantrum.

I was like, it's not really, I didn't verbally accost anybody. I didn't physically assault anybody, although it would have been a pleasure.
Yeah. I just wrote a couple of tweets.

People are like, oh, you lost your mind. I'm like, I didn't lose my mind.
The point is, I was fucking right. She was just selectively taking a bag to make a few extra bucks.
Okay.

And your attitude here today seems to be, well, devil may care. There's nothing we can do about it.
Well, I think we are going to do something about it. So how much have you paid people

to pull out customers who are in line with a bag that's two centimeters too big, Mr. Schroeder?

Well, we recognize this is a hard job, and so therefore we incentivize them to do that. How much? It's $10 per bag.
Wow. $10 per bag.
And I think, Mr. Klein, you and Mr.

Schroeder, your airlines cumulatively have spent $26 million paying gate agents between 2022 and 2023 to catch passengers whose bags are a little bit too big. $26 million.

I mean, if people want to know why it's such a terrible experience to fly, this is news for them today.

Your airlines are paying millions of dollars to your employees to harass people who've already paid. They're there in line because they've already paid.

Wow. So I'm just saying, this is exactly what happened to me.
And I just want to say it again. I was right

and you're still a fucking

wow. Vindicated.
And may I say something else, Tom? I would like to congratulate you for getting through that entire speech without choking.

Look at my nose.

And I'm sure the staff appreciates it too.

No, that is sinister. I had no idea.
I had no idea. I know.
I didn't know. And I always hate that too, where they're like,

you're going to have to check it in. It's like, dude, why? But the whole point, the thing that people is that

people are like, oh, some people get their bag. It's like, yeah, it shouldn't have been taken, though.
It wasn't oversized. No, and also, you're like the first guy on.

Yeah, I was like, shouldn't you see if someone else's bag? Doesn't fit later on. Later on.
Because you, it stands to reason that you would have enough space to put it.

It's even if it is bigger or whatever, but it wasn't. That is so, and those two airlines, by the the way, that Senator Hawley is

hands down the worst airlines. Yeah, yeah.
And I think you guys can, we're not going to say their names, but you can intuitively guess. Oh, yeah, you can figure it out.
You can figure it out.

It's, it is, it's so weird how shitty they can be. I know.
It's like, that's probably the most dangerous form of travel and the most, you know what I mean? Like, they should be. I know.

That's terrible. This whole thing just works people up to like

this, this whole world of like

it's it's a it's a it's an abuse of power. It is it's over it's a it's and it's just

now it's to you know fill somebody else's pockets up.

And then the holidays are here and then these poor families are just trying to get across the country to visit grandma. They're going to stick it to you.
Yeah. Could you imagine? They'll stick to you.

They're flying with kids and they're going to fucking take away your carry-on when you need stuff for the kid in the bag.

And then they just cancel your flights and they're like, well, guess you're fucked. you're spending the night in detroit or whatever that was the worst part of touring for the last 20 years

you would just get stuck in cities i would get stuck in airports just overnight guess you're sleeping in hartford like crazy what what that's it you're not gonna they wouldn't rebook you automatically on another flight remember that totally god they're just i was at one time

we got um the worst we got derailed you know like uh hey we're not flying everybody was and i was at the gate with all like a hundred people, and they're like, Yeah, they're canceling the flight.

So, tomorrow, and someone's like, Well, where are you putting us up? And they're like, Oh, we're not doing that. Yeah.

And this group of people got closer to the gate, and they're like, No, no, no, we are going to put you up.

Yes,

they got the money. I watched them switch.
They were just like, Here's your vouchers. Here you go.
Oh, they have the money to put you up. Don't you worry about it.

By the way, guys, if I were you and you're, I mean, always look up, there's a lot of accounts on TikTok and places to find out hacks.

Like, if they cancel your flight, you're entitled to whatever voucher. There's always a way.
Just look at these fuckers. They're ripping you off.
It's just so egregious.

Well, this will let's change the mood a little bit.

You know, I'm so upset. I fucking hate these.
Let's have a little fun now. Okay, okay.
Hi, this is Frankie Valley.

Sorry we missed you last time, but we're coming back on September the 5th to the Cobb Center. So get your friends together and come by, and we'll really have a great time.

There you go.

Happy holiday.

So hold on. Yeah.
Come to the Frankie. Oh my God.
Having a good time. You can't even get out the words.

So sad.

So we've been playing these videos because they just don't make any sense to us.

Where you're

seeing somebody like not,

it's so strange. He's 90.
He's 90 years old.

Poor baby. And so finally, we got an email about it.
So it's happy to share it with you guys.

Hey, Tim and Tina, I work in audio production at a theater in Canada where Frankie Valley performed a few months ago. Just want to say it was one of the biggest bummers shows I've ever seen.

I have no idea as to why they're dragging that half cadaver on stage, but I can tell you about some of the technical fuckery from a tech perspective.

First of all, he is obviously singing to tracks recorded in the 70s by our guests, as are the backup singers.

Frankie also has a switch, has a mic with a switch that he can turn on between songs to talk to the audience. But once the song is on, he switches the mic off and does the what is it? Nosferudu thing?

Nosferatu. Nosferatu thing.
A real goth would have known that. Got it.
He seemed like a nice old man, but the whole crew was really sad that day. Where are the bodies? They're on stage.

Hope this doesn't scare you.

Well, thanks, Dan. I mean, I think, too, it's isn't it kind of, I mean, it's kind of duplicitous too for an audience.

You think you're paying to watch Frankie Valley sing live and then he's singing other tracks. Okay, fine.
That's that's the gig.

Wouldn't you want to put up the audio, maybe of a track that he could sing like 10 years ago? You know what I mean? Like a recording live,

not the actual 70s recording. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, put up like kind of a coherent performance vocally that he could.

Well, who's going to this show, though? If he's 90, his fans have to be.

Yeah, exactly. This is crap.
They're probably just like, that was crazy good. They don't, they don't know what's going on.

You think they're just checked out? Yeah, of course. They're old vampires like him.
It's not somebody like in their 30s.

Can you believe? But at 90, God bless him. He can still still get out there? Yeah.
90, how does he even get to these gigs? He's flying Tom. Yeah.
Is he flying?

Do you think he can afford to fly privately? No, because that's why he's doing these gigs is to make money. I don't think so.

Why at 90? What do you think is going on? I mean,

is it a legacy thing? Is he like, there's only really two good explanations.

One would be that he's like, well, if I stop doing this, like a lot of people, you know, they go, like, the guy retires and he dies. Yes.
It's like, you have to have something to keep working towards.

Yes. The other one is that there is an actual need for money.
Money. I mean, that's the only other explanation.
But he was, his success happened at a time when people made residuals. Yeah.

Like he's got so many hits, right? I would think so, but there's always that lifestyle thing. Okay, how about this? How many ex-wives does he have? Let's look at the life.
Is there like multiple kids?

Is like families on the payroll? That's always a very logical explanation for it. You know? Also, people that are high-level earners who,

oh, I'm seeing multiple marriages already.

There we go.

Four times. Oh, Frankie Valley's telling me from his son with a restraining order.
Okay. So there's some drama.
Two children with the first, none with the second,

three with the third.

The fourth, let's see.

Eight. Yeah, okay.
So he has six children. Six children's a lot of kids.
Tom, how are we going to, how are you going to ruin your life? I don't know. Now that you're

famous and

successful and rich and stuff. Like,

are you going to do multiple marriages? Are you going to start

a trafficking ring with your buddies on an island? Like, what kind of mayhem are you going to get into?

Trafficking thing sure sounds fun.

You know what would be crazy? I was thinking about a couple of things that would be like a fun thing. I think I have to level up a few more times before I can do this.
Sure.

One would be to hunt endangered species.

Like, you know, I mean, when they go,

there's 11 of these birds left. And then I go, well, now there's 10.
Yeah, you know,

one of those. That seems really cool.
Because that, does that really exist? That people are like, I'm sure.

They're like, I'm going to go to Africa and hunt the ivory tusks elephant that there's one left. Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah,

it's all about money, right? Looks like you can just pay. Yeah.

You can hunt an Arabian onyx for 10 grand.

Yeah.

So do you think you're going to get into hunting endangered? The cost to hunt an African bongo antelope is $35,000.

But I know it's a lot of money, but think about the joy. The joy of being like, there's one less.

This world only had a few. Now there's one less because of me.

That sounds like a real... But I'll tell you what I think.

What the highest level thing is. Sure.
And I think you really have to have

well into nine figures, maybe 10 figures to do this. Is you go to a war-torn, just really depressed place, someplace where it's just apocalypse now,

here currently in 2024, soon to be 2025. And you just, you pay someone to hunt people.

I bet that is probably

something you can do

where you just go, oh, I'm I'm godlike. You're top of the heap.
Now, hold on.

I yes, and, as they say in the improv world, I'm going to yes and you. Yeah.
I feel like doing it in a war-torn country is too easy.

Like, we could drop you in Somalia or Ukraine right now, hand you a rifle, and boom, you're in the war. Too easy.
Okay.

You can hunt and kill first world people.

Like New York City. They take you into New York City and you can stab

tourists just got assassinated. Look at this.

Russian luxury offer pirate hunting cruises. That sounds so Russian.
For sure. Wealthy pay, what is it?

$5,800 per day. That's it? Oh, that's nothing.
To patrol the most dangerous waters in the world, hoping to be attacked by raiders.

When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns, and rocket launchers.

That's fucking badass. What a relaxing vacation.
That is so fucking cool. Yeah, oh, the yachts travel from Djibouti to Somalia.

Yeah. Yeah.
From Djibouti in Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya.

The ships deliberately cruise close to the coast at a speed of just five nauticals in an attempt to attract interests of pirates. Yeah.

Holy shits. At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages.
These people are just paying to commit murder. That's fucking awesome.
And I'll tell you what, that is so Russian. Yeah, so

fucking Russian. And I think it's really cool.
Well, I do like that somebody

is capitalizing on what pieces of shit these wealthy people can be. It's really cool.
I still hope it

that luxury ocean lanters in Russia

incredible. Could you imagine 5,800 a day? That's reasonable, man.
Yeah, you can totally not that crazy. It's not that crazy, but is this in rubles or whatever? No, that's just dollars.
Pounds, U.S.

dollars there. Okay, so six grand a day

to get hunted by Somalis. I fucking hope we get attacked today, and I'm going to fire a rocket launcher into a ship with an 18-year-old Somali kid.

Right. Just some poor

desperate kid who goes, I personally don't know what else to do.

I'm just trying to feed my family. Dude, and then I did, and they fucking blew up.
It was amazing.

Yeah, that would be really cool.

You know, and

oh my Desus, who we've seen. Of course.
He made a, I think it's a perfect transition from that conversation, a collection of me as famous killers. Yeah.
Oh.

Yeah. So there he did.
He made me as Ted Kaczynski right there. That's really good.
It's really good. There's another one.

Pretty cool. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Lots of Ted.
May I just point out that your eye bags really fit the profile. They really help.

Thank you.

Who's this fellow? That's Larry Hall. Oh.
What did he? I don't want to know what he did, actually. Why am I asking?

Oh, there we go, Charlie. Charlie Manson.
Yeah, that one's good. Yeah.
Well, he really did a good job. The swastika, he really burned in there.
Nice, yeah. Oh, Ed Kemper.
Okay.

I like how you know all these fellas right off the bat.

I don't even know these guys. Look at that.
He's Dahmer. That's good.
That is pretty cool, man. Yeah, I kind of like you more as Dahmer.
You're cute as a hair.

Yeah.

Very cute.

There we are. Green River Killer.

That one's awesome. That is cool.
Wow.

bundy there you go fresh shaven that's a that's a younger tom i was just there i was just in tallahasse that's where he was a big-time goofball and he went into the uh

yo here's a rich guy thing you can get into is doing pilgrimages to where like serial killer stuff happens so we were talking to the cops in tallahasse and we're like hey uh you know the bundy he's like yeah

you know that guy and we're like so is that house the omega kai house he's like it's still there. And

it's like, I was like, does it ever, you know, he's like, well, every once in a while, we'll get a call that some fucking weird guy is just like, can I take pictures and like walk around? Yeah.

And we have to go like take that guy out of there. But he's like, yeah, it's still.
But that's another rich guy lane.

Like, for instance, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor, when he recorded an album, he... requested to record it in the Charles Manson Sharon Tate murder house on CLO Drive.
Very cool. Yeah.

So you can do cool things. The guy who does cool stuff like that all the time is Yoshi.
He always goes to like, you don't have to be wealthy. Every location where something horrible has happened.

He's like, hi, I'm here.

People die here. How long do they chime in? Yep.
Yep.

Son of Sam.

Your hairline's pretty cool there. That is pretty cool.
He really nailed these Photoshops, man. Dude, he's really talented.
John Wayne Gacy. Oh, yeah.
Look at the smile. You got your grand.

Pretty crazy to smile on an arrest like that, you know? But can I tell you, why not? You're already going down. You're done, I know.

You may as well do a goofy mug shot photo if you're going to go down. Who cares? Oh, my God.
Look how sweet you are there. Who's that? Rodney Alcala, yeah.
Yeah, you look quite cute there. Sweet.

And there's a...

Dahmer again. Yeah.
He really likes you as Dahmer. He did you twice as Dahmer.
But three times as Kaczynski. Oh, that's true.
Yeah, you match that. Pretty cool.
Good work. Oh, my Jesus.

Good thing. Good use of talent, huh? Good use of, yeah.

I know you'll like something like this. This is the old name prank thing.
Oh, I love it. Did you say that you can call for my brother real quick? Yeah.
Okay. Perfect.
Is it Mike? Yeah.

What's his last name? Hoochie. Hoochie.
Yeah.

Attention customers. Can I please have Mike? Hoochie to the service desk, please.
Can I please have Mike?

Hoochie to the service desk. Thank you.

Mike.

Mike.

Hoochie.

Lee Dee Bunk. Can you please come see electronics? Lead me bunk.

His name's Dylan. He goes by Dill, though.
You can just say Dill. What's his question?

Dill.

Dill Doe. Rubbed D.
Rubbedee? Yeah. Last name's Snuts.

Rubber D Snut. Can you meet the party at the sitting room? Rubbed D Snot Snut.
Can you meet the party at the sitting room?

Oh, this is good.

That's good fun. There's two things I'm I'm really into right now: the diarrhea videos and like the silly call-out name.
The diarrhea videos. Yeah.
Yeah. I always like diarrhea.
I like Kaka.

That guy who does like diarrhea tests. Yeah, where he's like.
Look.

People always tag Christina P and Tom Segora from your mom's house podcast. Oh, fuck my videos.

The truth is, Tom Segora used to fill my holes with the black guys in the truck stop before he was famous.

More like

your mom's house prolapse.

What? Is this true, Tom? This is true. This is true.
I didn't want this to come out today, but it's Christmas season. Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Well, I'm still curious about his diarrhea findings. I mean, I get to the point, you know? Yeah.

Well, I guess we'll not. Apparently, IG took down his diarrhea test.
No.

Because I was hoping to get a Thanksgiving one after that. Thankfully, we've saved quite a few of them.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Thankfully.
Thankfully, yeah. Yeah.
Diarrhea tests. Yeah.
Come on, man.

Don't stop doing what you're good at. Also,

you know our buddy Will Blunderfeld? Of course I know Will Blunderfeld.

Speaking of butts and everything,

we,

some of the team here, the research team, was able to find videos of his that were on another channel before he started doing all these like learning and informational posts. No way.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. That's cool.
I like to see his early work. What's up, yogis? So the butt, the anus particularly, is considered very dirty and faggoty in our society.

I was expecting that

through the butthole quite often. Yeah.
So you can see that

don't stretch it so hard. It's quite tight.
Yikes.

Niana, can you please stop covering your face?

She says anytime you do any sort of anal play using a butt plug or a dildo, you should squeeze and release. Wow.

I'm with Niana here. I don't know what it is.

The lustfulness out of it, to take

it out of the anal area. Isn't that cool? Now, so we have the anal opening, and then an inch and a half, or sorry, five centimeters in the inner wall is the walnut gland of the prostate.

The external pressure point for the prostate is right here. So, not here, not here, but right before the anal opening, it's so grabby.

And it feels a little bit like you have to piss, and a little bit like you're having an organ. I invite you to just play with your anus,

especially

if you identify as a heterosexual male. Placing the fingers in the anus

massaging the angle. I feel the same way right now.

Look, I love Will. I love you, Will.

I tell you what, I don't like Tom. Tell me.
What it's hard for me to watch, I should say. I love him.
I love his anus. I love his body.
I think he's fantastic. He's just a little

grabby. It's a little forceful how he opens his anus with his fingers.
You know, like, just be tender.

You'll get there. You'll get there.
You just got to kind of. Yeah, just be tender with that.
You're thinking kind of like a person who's still dirty and faggoty. But if you

kind of

relax into it it'll be fine okay

he's just so and his fingers are bigger than mine because he's a man you know and it just i feel for his anus because it's still you don't like your anus

i don't i don't consider my anus a sexual

for me it's just caca

comes out yeah i don't i'm not into putting stuff in there no well this is a good transition for you because this is also something i've been so excited to share so many things with you today here is one of them.

You can take it. Here's a happy Thanksgiving in Transony Avenue.
Today I'm going to demonstrate my Pinot Noir on ice, my red water on the ice. Pinot

is a special dish I cook every Thanksgiving.

Italian bush alone. It's an Italian dish my grandma started

about 80 years ago. So I'm going to show you how to drink the wine with it.
Here's your Italian food.

Okay.

Delicious.

Do that and then put the collar and grease it in your mouth. Yeah, good.

Yeah, dude.

Good audio, too.

Or a video?

Yeah, you might want to go outdoors where maybe it's quiet.

Maybe go to like a football game next time and

put it in the stands.

There you go. Happy Thanksgiving.

He's absolutely my favorite. Yeah.
I do like that he puts ice in red wine. Look, your Floridian.
He's an outlier. Oh, he's definitely.

He's a creator and inventor, but your Floridian relatives all put ice in their white wine. Yes.
Why not put it in the red? Hey, do what you want. Why not? Whatever you like.
What rule is that?

Yeah, you can do whatever the heck you want.

I really like that. You can drink what you want.

You can also make a salmon milkshake if you want. Of course.

You know what I love when he...

Which is so true because it's such a subtle distinction when he's like, you feel the grease going down your throat.

and you're like, yeah, that's the joy of eating a processed meat is the grease runs down your throat. Yeah, you know, I never thought of it.

It's so good. He's right.
He's right.

So now's the most exciting part of this show.

Is we played an opening clip of a

legendary guy here.

I'm sweating. I'm so excited.

Why is it not here? Oh, there it is.

Oh, yeah.

You know, 19 virus.

Glad Annie's gone. He does such a great impression of Tony Henny.
He does. We'll have to reach out to him sometime.

So, and through the years, you know,

we learned about him getting a DUI,

take your Uvers,

you know.

And then things kind of took a turn. You know, things got kind of crazier with Tony John.
You know, it's been bugging me lately.

My motherfucking neighbor, you know, keeps on, you know, harassing me, whatever. You know what I'm saying? So, long story short, you know, his wife comes home early from work.

You know, his wife comes home and, you know, she's like, Tony, can I get some help with my groceries? Because I was, you know, working on my car.

I fucked up a bulb on my passenger, you know, front side, but whatever. So I was working on my car and she's like, Can I have some, you know, help him with the groceries?

I was like, all right, I'll help you with some groceries. One thing, you know, leads to another.
I end up sleeping with my neighbor's wife.

We all fight of you.

Wow. And

I don't know. Then it just like, we would, you know, we would hear from it from time to time.
It was like fun and playful and DUIs and fucking neighbors. And then it was.

He won't fuck me in the ass, fuck you,

come on, fuck me in the ass, motherfucker. And it got kind of different, you know? Yeah.

And then, you know, I don't know. It's just.

And it's super crazy. You know, I've been going through a lot lately.
You know, I've been going through a lot of shit. You know, no fucking friends.

The government's fucking trying to fuck me over, and I'm pissed off.

And then it kind of got to that place. We were like, ah, shit.
And then we just kind of didn't hear hear from him for a long time. Years.

And then we saw posts where it was like, oh, he was like, I'm in a much better place now. Right.
He posted that like he had reconnected with some family and he was working a job.

We're like, oh, that's great. And then we come in and the staff tells us that we're actually going to get to chat with him.

I cannot. Hold on.
Before we even get into it, Tom. Yes.

Yes.

This might be

like one of the greatest moments in YMH history. It's pretty great.
I would say this could be as monumental as the time

we called Robert Paul champagne. It's pretty cool.
It is pretty cool. I mean, I've loved Tony Johns for years.
Admired him, laughed with him, enjoyed his work, and now we're going to speak with him.

We're going to chat with him. Yeah.
I'm super curious. Oh, my gosh.
Okay, can I pee first? Because I'm like so excited. Yeah, sure.
Okay.

And we are back. Oh, my God.
You went peachy? I did. I'm just so nervous.
And now we're going to call Tony Johns. Here we go.

Please answer.

How come cool guys can't just answer their phones?

It's so stringing. Funny.

Cool guys don't know how phones work.

Well, what's going on? Yo, Tony, what's up, man?

What's going on, partner? What's going on, dude? How are you?

Good, man. How you been? We're doing well, man.
We were just, you know, reminiscing on the old times when we first learned about you, and we're so excited to be able to chat with you now. So

I'm Tom, of course. This is Christina.
Hi, Tony. Hey, what's going on, you guys? Oh, my gosh.
I'm so excited to speak with you. Yeah, this is a real treat, man.

So let's, if you don't mind, like, where are you now? Like,

where are you living now?

Upstate New York, man. Upstate New York.
And

how are you liking it?

To be honest,

I like it, man.

I've met a lot of really, you know, a lot of very, you know, nice people

out here. So I like it, man.
That's good.

You know, Tom, to be honest, man, like, I do miss out west, too yeah um i really do but uh but new york's my home now so well yeah i mean you were the sexiest italian guy in utah so you have to take oh yeah you have to take that leave that but now you're the guy in in upstate new york

yeah man yeah i'm uh you know i'm trying to trying to you know i don't know trying my best just to you know stay focused and work in and that's great i uh yeah man i i've been a loe's now for like three years so I don't know, man.

I like it. You know, I.

So that's great. So you've met some good people.
It sounds like you have some stability, right, with life and with the job. Yeah, man.
Yeah, I got my own place now.

Great.

Just kind of taking it day by day, man.

Yeah. I have a question for you, Tony.
In a video, you said that you reunited with your, you said you found your maternal, your mother?

what video was that oh okay I thought I thought there was a video where you said you like reunited with your family or with your mother oh yeah so I

yeah so I I'm adopted I I moved out

out here in New York to

to be closer with my with my with my uh biological family right

um

so uh

yeah so you did get to reconnect yeah oh yeah, yeah, man. That's great.
Wow.

So, I, but, yeah, no, it's, uh, I love it out here, you know, I really do. I

all my family's out here now, and uh, yeah, I mean, things are going real good, Tom. I haven't had a drink, and geez, man, ever since I was 23.
Wow,

my parents that adopted me out west they ended up uh passing away, so I uh just packed up a couple suitcases and um moved out west or out uh

east so but yeah the whole the whole story is kind of wild

but I'm I'm doing a lot better now you guys that's great

that's great can I ask Tony what prompted this complete change in your life

it's kind of it's kind of a sad story but it's also a good story my

My mom that adopted me out west was very very sick and she she wanted she she always wanted the best for me she wanted me to change she wanted me to you know stop partying stop drinking just because she knew i was to be honest you guys she she knew i was a very very nice man a very genuine person i just you know i like to party i like to you know have a good time

um but that's you know that was one of the wishes that she that she wanted me to to you know to pursue to stop drinking stop partying you know party sober you know you don't you don't need to drink you know to have a good time which which i totally agree Sure.

You know?

That's awesome, Tony.

Yeah, I,

yeah, I've been,

yeah, you know, like, I'll go out and stuff, but, like, I won't, I won't drink, if that makes sense. No, that does.
I mean, people can go out and have a good time without having a drink for sure.

Back in the day, like, when we were first finding, you know, you were telling people to take your Uvers and all that shit, you were, you were really tying one on, right?

Like, what was a Tony John's party day like in the drinking time?

Um, I

just to be honest man I I partied by myself a lot of the times um I

you know like I don't know man it was I don't know

yeah so but you were you were like a were you a beer guy or were you like a cocktail guy you're a beer I uh

butt lights and a whiskey man I'm big big a butt light and whiskey guy got you okay and that and that's that's when you got a DUI baby yeah you got it

yep yep so I um but you know I mean and you know, I, to be honest, Tom, like, I was, I was young, man. You know, I was 21, 22 back then.

I was young and dumb. You know, you know.
No, we were all there. I know.

No, I totally, you know what? I totally agree, Tom. Like, you know, everybody does make mistakes in life, and it's just moving on from those mistakes.

Wow. Oh, I have a question, Tony.
We know that you've been a ladies' man your whole life. Is there

a potential future Mrs. Johns?

To be honest, yes. I am.

What? Yes. Tell us about her.

So

she probably doesn't want me to say this, but

I have been talking.

I've been on a few dates,

and

I like this girl. I'm not going to say her name.
Sure.

She's a local girl out here in Auburn.

And she's the only girl that I've been talking to. She's really beautiful.
You know, blonde hair. She's got, you know, tattoos.
Very, very beautiful girl. Yeah, she's my age.
She's 27. I'm 28.

So, but she's, you know, she's around my age.

But she's a very, very genuine, very kind, loving.

She's amazing. Like, I really, really do probably see a future down the road with this girl.
Wow. Wow.
So Ladies Man is just going to become a one lady man.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir, Tom.
Okay. All right.

Well,

these are all great updates. You sound much more grounded and much more, you know, like happy and together with everything that you've found in your life with the job and the family and this girl.

This is all great news, man. Thanks, Tom.

I appreciate you, man. Well, I hope you continue to, you know, pursue and embrace your sobriety and

just, you know, surround yourself with good people. Thanks, man.

And yeah, this girl, man, I mean, i've i've been on you know a couple dates now and you know things are going really well and nice it's funny it's it's kind of i don't know i don't know you guys it's kind of love at first sight you know so it's kind of nice well let me tell you something tony yeah everybody at the ymh family is rooting for you yes we are thrilled that you have your life in such great

place

and we're all rooting for you and will you will you please let us know if you do get married yes ma'am i i will yes you got you got to keep us updated can you give us a tony john woo on your way out of here oh yeah woo woo

we up out of here

you guys have a good night hey you too bro you tony john thanks you guys thanks buddy bye-bye

hey what

dude that is look in the history of ymh cool guys we have yet to have one completely turn his life round I mean, that is a really remarkable call.

You normally don't ever leave the club once you're in. You never.

You don't make it out alive. That's for sure.
And it's also remarkable how young this guy is. I had no idea.
I had no idea. He's so young.
There's no way to really, you know.

No, you can't tell. I think we should really salute this guy.
I mean, seriously. Yes.
Like, he's turned his life around.

I am deeply actually moved by Tony's story. I mean, he really turned his shit around.
We didn't think that he was going to be able to do that.

First of all, it also shows you a cool guy has to leave his physical location. He moved thousands of miles from

like where cool shit was happening.

Yeah,

embrace sobriety, which was very necessary for him. And

surrounded himself with family people who love you and care about you. Got a job that is stable.
And he's going to that.

So it's all the things that you think that somebody could, in this situation, would be incapable of doing, and he did it. So, it's

very impressive now. But, however, in true cool guy fashion,

crummy audio. Yeah, the audio will never change.
You always have to have bad camera angles and the audio. It's like your DNA.
You just can't, you can't shake it. You just can't shake it.

You can take the cool guy out of the club, but you can't. No, you can't take the coolness out of the fucking recording quality.
Never.

But I'm genuinely thrilled for him. I am too.
I never, I never thought we would see a cool guy. This really is a holiday season

episode. Yeah.
It's a Christmas vibe. It's Christmas vibes all the way.

God bless Tony. Very fucking cool, bro.
God bless every one of us, even Tony Johns. Yeah.

Especially Tony Johnson. Speaking of a different cool guy, we were on a family trip.
I know what you're going to bring up. I've been thinking about it every day.

And this guy, we were at the pool at a nice hotel. We're at a nice hotel.
Yeah.

And we see this old piece of shit walk in

with his lady.

Why is he a piece of shit? He's just fucking about to go. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I felt that he wasn't a good person and nor was his wife.

When we came in, I could tell they weren't like nice. He fucking hobbles over, right?

He hobbles over and he...

sit lays on a fucking like a pool chair or whatever you want to call it right and and he's just laying there and then at one point I'm sitting next to you and I go hey look over here oh my god this fucking guy decided to throw a just he lay down put a towel over himself kind of half put over

take off his shorts and his underwear and put on his bathing suit right there at the pool and lean so you get like ass shots and ball shots

as he pulls up and then when he when you finally are ready to pull up he just dropped the towel full ass mooned everybody and puts on his bathing suit. It's like, hey, buddy, there's bathrooms here.

Oh, no, and with that. There's also rooms in your fucking, your hotel room is here.
Oh, yeah. Do you know that our children are so modest, they won't do that?

Like, I've offered, like, hey, put a towel around you.

No.

This man.

The audacity of somebody to show their balls and

their old ass to everybody.

Lazy and inconsiderate. And just for that, we don't know who you are.
We don't know your name. We don't know anything about you, but you.
The Cool Guy

are the newest member of the Cool Guy Club. But what's interesting about,

so Tom and I,

I would, I mean, I don't think you would disagree with me, but we love people watching. I think you and I are,

in addition to our new love of murder together, that's a new thing we're going to get into together. I'm on the John Bonet case.

I'm completely whatever. I'm so deep into this, solving this crime, I'm almost there.
But we love observing people in the wild, Crazy people.

Remember, it was at the same resort, we saw a guy scrub his foot skin off of his feet with the cheese grater that you used to do. This is the actual instrument.
At the pool. At the pool.

He just was like, I'll just

do this here. I mean, are you fucking out? Now, do you think it has to do with just being old? Yeah, and not caring anymore about anybody.
Yeah, just like, I'm doing this. I need to do this.

I don't care.

Is there a a sign that says I can't scrape my feet here?

Yeah, it's just totally, just totally inconsiderate. I know.
I feel like they have to put signs. Just another old piece of shit.
Oh my God.

Yeah.

Ridiculous.

And that's one that's burned into my mind every time I go to a public pool now: the guy shaving his feet off. Ugh.
I know. I've seen people clip their toenails at the gate of an airport.

I've seen that too. But you're also like, are you out of your mind? Unforgivable.

I've seen somebody eat a bag of hard-boiled eggs at the fucking at the yeah terminal that is so disgusting and smelly guys come on so crazy i know i know you're not a sports fan yeah you have to see this this is one of the this is like a generational baseball prospect okay look how this guy pitches here look at this this is insane

It's like Rob Eiler. Whoa.

I hate you.

He's so crazy. Like, you know, you're going to vomit.
Just for people listening, it's a guy that pitched and he's puking at the same time. During the pitch.

And so this clip went viral, and this guy was like, Yeah.

Just to clarify, yes, I was sick, but he stayed in the game and he still pitched. Sick, puking during his pitches.
Isn't that crazy? Fucking unbelievable. I hate you so fucking much.

You just wait for this next drawing. I'm not looking at it again, you shitbag.
You think I'm stupid? Fool me once, dummy. I'm not looking, you dumb fucking piece of shit.
You're almost crazy.

I hope you choke on your fucking roogie.

Ugh.

No. Yep.
You just wait for this picture. Oh, you think I'm expecting something nice from you?

No, you're a terrible person. I know.
I hate you so much. Why are you showing me that? I just thought it was cool.
It's not fucking cool.

I thought it was cool. Why do you have to ruin my day? I was so happy to talk to Tom.
I was too. I just thought it was fun.
You're such a fucking asshole. All right, here's your TikToks.

Oh, that makes me happier again. A big black dick,

but only in my mouth.

I'm already 60 and I'm already worried about anal leakage problems. I don't need that asshole stretched out anymore than it is.

He's Canadian. I've seen this guy's clips before.
It's pretty cool. Mate, stretched out.
Yeah. Yep.
He wants a big black one, but only in his mouth.

Well, yeah, you don't want your asshole stretched out. Do you want your mouth stretched out? No.
I don't know. Talk to Will.
He's the expert on this kind of stuff, actually. We should ask him.

Yeah, he might have an opinion on that. Everyone's different, though.
There's people right now who are going like this. Yeah.

Which team are you on? Getting your mouth stretched out? Like, no, I don't want that. Do you think people are really discussing this topic right now?

I mean, there's internally, somebody right now is like, I love having my mouth stretched out. And then somebody's like,

I don't know. I mean,

if I had to choose between my anus or my mouth, I'd do my mouth. But you don't have to choose.
That's the thing. He's like, you don't have to choose.
You can say... That just blew my mind up.

Yeah, you can just be like, I don't don't want anything stretched out. Or both.
I don't have to make the choice. You choose for me.
You do both. Or you can go.

Yeah, you can go stretch everything out, stretch nothing out, stretch one of these out. Yeah.
Oh, my God. I had a Pajitti effect this morning.
Hold on.

Never mind. Please read what Liana or Tanner just put up.
The human anus can stretch up to seven inches before taking damage.

A raccoon can squeeze into holes as tight as four inches, meaning you can take almost two full raccoons off your ass

it's really that's really important that is really good information two raccoons yeah

that's amazing so if you had to choose you'd choose your mouth yeah wouldn't you well yeah between the two yeah yeah but like i said you don't have to sign up for having your mouth stretched either

no you don't wow it sounds like you just did

can i tell you my pajitzki effect

can i tell you my pajitsky effect that I had this morning? Sure. So for those of you who don't know, that's when you realize you've been doing something stupid your whole fucking life.

And then you're like, oh, I don't have to be stupid and dumb and retarded. I can

do something different.

Okay. The way our bathroom is set up, the towels are on the other end of the bathroom and the shower is here.
Okay. Because there's the cupboard, but it's on the other end of the thing.

Every fucking day, I forget to get myself a towel out of the cupboard and walk it over to the shower.

I forget. So now I'm getting out of the shower shower and I'm fucking cold and wet and then I got to tiptoe on the slippery ass tile.
To get a towel. To get a fucking towel.

And you know what I realized today, Tom Seguera? Tell me. I can put a towel rack directly outside of the shower so that I just reach.

Yeah.

But there also is a rack. There's that hanging rack.
Where?

That's right outside the shower. Oh, but I put my shower caps on there.
I put a towel on there.

Here's, I agree. I agree.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's if you remember to put a towel on the rack.

I'm saying if I get a shelf, sorry, that's the word I should have used, a shelf

and you stack like five towels on the shelf right there. Yeah.

Wow. You're really firing on all fucking stuff.
Buddy, buddy. I mean, now I'm living in luxury.

Who am I fucking?

Good one.

You're hunting Somali pirates. I'm toweling off.

What does it mean when you dream you're naked and tied to a cross, and Bohemian Rhapsody is being played very loudly on the stereo while a nun tortures your nuts.

Okay, I don't want it.

No, no, I hate him.

What, Teller?

That's Gregory hanging out.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi, Greg.
Oh, no, you're

glad I caught copy of you.

Gee, gracious, where is Gregory? What are you doing, Gregory? He's so peckish. Do you think we ought to feed him? Ah, I think so.
He's hiding and take his own food. He's besides, he's amazingly agile.

I mean, you've got to

go one of your little pet cuts, one of the house cuts. I don't think he cares at that time.

I go to leave what I'm saying. Just sit here and relax, would you, Gregory? That's easier said than done.
Gregory, where are you?

Oh, and it goes. Where are you?

So, Tippy Hedron, the famous actress that was in like Hitchcock movies, had a fucking pet tiger. Gregory.
Gregory. And that's.
He still has his nuts that are just hanging

full of fucking rage.

That means that he wants to mate and fucking dominate, spread his seed. It's cool.

And just bite her head off. Fucking huge.

Enormous. She's like, he is the sweetest little guy.
He would never.

And that's the thing: these dummies never think that their beloved pet tiger is going to attack them. Did she die by her tiger?

I hope so. Let's look it up.
Okay. I really hope so, right? At the very least, I hope that the tiger ate her dinner.
In your face with your period blood? Yeah.

This is a whole lane of the talk where women are reclaiming their menstrual cycles. Some of them are free bleeding into lakes and rivers.

Some of them are rubbing the blood on their faces for I just thought this was some American Indian shit. You know, like this is like a Cherokee rite of passage.

Is that not what's happening?

Wow.

Read it. Tippy Hedron is still alive, lives with lions and and tigers at her California Animal Sanctuary.
Jesus. How old is she? She looked old in that fucking thing.
No.

Maybe she's, I don't know.

I don't know how she's doing it.

I don't know how she's doing it. How is she doing it? She's 94.
Good. Wow.

And that is the age to get eaten, too. Like,

when you are like that

and your skin is like paper, and that thing just,

it does, it goes to give her a hug and she tears open. And it's like, I'll just eat this.
Yeah.

So frail. That tippy's a snack for that.
That's Melanie Griffith's mom? I had no idea. I didn't know that.
I guess she's a legacy family.

Excuse me? What?

God. Look, can I tell you something?

There is a point where you do too much shit to your face that you can't take it back. That's happening left and right now.

This is the era of too much shit to your face. We're living in it.
Doing too much shit to your face.

I mean, I'm obviously going to get my nose fixed and you gotta do that you gotta do that i mean stop doing that you did this

you gotta look old dude it's okay just be old

i'd rather look old than weird

eating ground beef what the

so this woman is just sitting on some steps out in the public eating out of ground just eating a ground beef from the from the uh yeah from the packaging like from the grocery store She's enjoying it.

To be fair,

you know,

she looks like

what, Tom?

You know, what she's making a whole bunch of different decisions.

At first, I forgot I had

curated this, I thought it was sour belts, and I was like, I fucking love sour belts. And I was like, oh, those aren't sour belts.
Those aren't sour belts. Those are meaty belts.

Holly, I'm begging you with all my heart and soul, Holly, please respond to me. Please, Holly, I can prove to you everything I'm saying to you.
If you give me a chance to talk to me, Holly, please.

I've been in Vermont over two years looking for you. Please don't do this to me.
Two years. Please respond to me, please.
I'm begging you. I'll do anything.

It just ends there? Ends like that?

Does anybody know Holly? Can somebody help this man? Can somebody fucking, it's two years he's been doing this.

Please, somebody. Tell Holly he still loves her.
Jeff still loves you. It's Chuck.
I think it's Chuck. Oh, Chuck loves you.
Chuck is really out there. Tent out there.

He's by the freeway wearing his tap-out hoodie, and he's just looking for you.

Oh, my God. They still make those? Yeah, I think so.
Is tap-out still real? I don't know. I haven't.
It's been a while. It's like foo boo.

Oh, my God.

So this?

Do you guys?

Holy shit. How is this the craziest talk I've seen?

So if you really love your dog, I mean, only if you really love your dog, when it dies you can make a pelt out of its dead corpse so that you can lay it down on the floor

in front of the fireplace just where

he used to lay. That's where that's that's where Chub Chubb used to lay right there in front of the fireplace.
What is that? And you're like, well

they took the bones and guts out of our dog and

left his fur here. And we get to lay on it and miss him it's great

i've and here's the thing

but here's the deal man five grand for

a fucking real pet pelt here's the thing you and i love pets obviously like we're obsessed with our animals

i'm kind of torn because hold on you know how much we loved fif

do you think you could see where is fif

oh wait where's his six tits i don't know

oh this is nice that this is here now

That's cool. I didn't know that that was there.
And there's Tony John. That's cool.

Woo! Right behind you. Yeah, that's awesome.
But don't you love them? Like, don't it's like,

yeah, you get to see them, but you get to see them in kind of a fucked up way. Kind of fucked up?

It looks like a fucking cement truck rolled over your dog. I mean, that's what you see every day when you walk.
FIFO is behind the portrait. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Okay.
I mean, like, do you want to see a mushed sad version? I don't like this at all. What about, I mean, mean, what about taxidermy? You could just stuff your.
I don't know.

No, I think you just say goodbye. I think you say goodbye.
Photos are cool. Yeah, pictures.

Videos and stuff.

Oh, my God.

Rock climbing. Tom loves this cave climbing, I should say.
So, right now, I'm.

Oh, man.

It's crazy how I can feel the, I can literally feel the anxiety spike when we watch a clip like this.

Yeah, yeah, it's so narrow. I don't like this.
Why not? I don't like this. Why? You're so fast.

This is a guy who's got a snake attached to his forehead.

Tanner, what's he saying in Filipino?

What is he saying?

He's saying, ouch, this kind of hurts.

He's just chilling, though.

Can somebody fucking take it off of his forehead? Can I tell you what's interesting, though? Because this guy obviously fucks around a lot with animals.

He knows that if you go like this to rip it off, he's probably going to tear his forehead off.

So he's just kind of like letting it deposit its venom, and then he's going to pull it off. Isn't that nice?

He knows. He knows that if you go

like that. It's like that lady that got bit by a gator that one time and she rolled on the death roll and preserved her arm.
Yeah.

Because everybody else would just kind of go, oh, and then your arm goes flying off. No.
But can I tell you that I don't think I would have the wherewithal to just allow the snake to begin with?

That's how fucking simple.

You'd have to just skin graft my forehead. Just rip the skin off.

He's in a new location.

That snake's not going anywhere.

He's laughing now.

All right. I think you're almost done with him.

I think he can rip it off now. I think so too.

He's probably one of these who's like, I'm in his house. I don't want to upset him.

Oh, fuck off. There you go.

Jesus. Yeah, you dummy.

How do you get bitten in the face? That means you're face to face with a snake, stupid.

What did he say? Don't you translate it?

I don't know yet. I think he.
Can I tell you what happened in my my mind? He says, Oh, taka, tuck, tuck, green snake.

And then

he

leaned down with his friend and he was like,

I'm gonna put my face in the green. Put my face in the ticket.
Yeah, that's what you think. And then it latched on.
Well, how the fuck does a snake get to your forehead? I don't know.

It doesn't fall from a tree and just bite your forehead at that angle. He let he leaned down.
He's in the fucking jungle. So I don't know.
It could have been anything, man. Stupid.
All right.

I'm literally making a kilometer right now.

And I just need a cuddle buddy.

That's all I'm asking for. A cuddle buddy.
No, you're not. No, you're not.
Right? That's a fucking lie. No.
You say that you want a cuddle buddy, and oh, what? I go over there.

I'm like, all right, I'll fucking cuddle with you. And then all of a sudden, you're like, ooh, I'm sorry.
Look what happened downstairs. And now you're trying to fuck me.
Yeah.

So I'm not falling for this again. I agree, Tom.
No. You're lying.
He's not fooling me either.

So,

poor, whoever speaks, I guess I think it's Tagalog grammar speaking, is like, they're very upset with us right now. Why? What are we doing? Pronunciation is not very good.
Well, I mean, I'm trying.

I love languages.

I do.

Yeah, this guy is totally bluffing. Yeah.
He's not looking for a cuddlebait at all. I'm naky naky right now, and I just want to cuddle.
That's all I'm asking for. No, it's not.
He's lying.

He's a foolery fooling us.

We've all fallen for this trick. I've fallen for it in college and stuff.
You're like, oh, oh, you want to cuddle? I love cuddles. I fucking totally fell for this, like, freshman year.

Somebody got you. Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, everybody falls for the cuddle. All I want to do is just have somebody hold me.
I know. I fell for it.
Yeah. God.
I just want to watch this movie with someone. Oh, yeah, the movie.
Uh-oh.

Just ignore my bone.

And then you're like, wait a minute. Why is your finger finger in my asshole? Okay.
Bye-bye now.

My asshole. My asshole.
Okay. Well, this was a great episode.
I had some fun. Oh my God.
So did I. So much fun with you, Jeans.

Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening.
Make sure you visit the shops and the stores. Get some lipstick from Christina P.

Get some merch from the YMH store. Get some tickets.
I'm going on, I'm on tour. I have a whole bunch of cities that we have announced.
And that's going to be it for us. But we're going to leave you.

We started on the Greasy E by Max Newman. We'll leave you on another Chuck Woolery Classic.
This is Greasy by Ghost Crew.

So, yeah, we're saying goodbye. Bye, Jeans.
Bye, Jeans.

Oh, yeah.

I'm Chuck Woolery.

I don't like taking the hills,

but I have found something that works.

Australian dream.

I don't like taking pills.

I'm Chuck Bullery.

I don't like taking pills,

but I have found something that works.

Australia's dream.

Hey, you just watched an episode of your mom's house. I hope you enjoyed it.
And if not, watch another one. Maybe you'll like that one.
They're everywhere. Look, I don't know.

If you place them in like cubes or squares or whatever this is, just click another one. Maybe you'll find one you like.
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