Ranking America's Hottest Presidents | YMH Ep. 788

Welcome, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Von Jordanov, and welcome to your mom's house, the latest and greatest hard-hitting news.

We're going to cover it all today.

We'll get you in on the Senate confirmations for the cabinet.

And yeah, there's just so much going on in the world.

What's going on in Ukraine?

Yeah, it's all here.

uh we're going to resolve israel palestine it's all going to be talked about today um so don't you worry it's all coming up that being said uh christina p you have uh

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I've gotten my Berlin, which is a dark burgundy, a very deep, rich, moody color.

I wore that yesterday around town, Madison.

It's a mauve.

You can wear that to drop the kids off or at the mall.

It's going down.

Atomic Red, which is an orange-based red, and it piggybacks off the perfect red, which is a blue-based.

Get them all now.

Christinap.com.

Well, December has started, which means the holidays are close.

Fellas, does your lady have lips?

Maybe a good idea for a gift is to get her the Perfect Four.

Lipstick.

It really is.

It's the best gift for any lady in your life or fella who likes to wear lipstick.

Gender is just a construct of

my mind.

Also, you know what's fun to do if your lady isn't into wearing lipstick, is you get lipstick and you write things on her body, right?

Like what?

Dummy, yeah, stupid, fatty, yeah.

This part, arrow, yeah, you write it across her chest when she's sleeping and she wakes up.

She's like, what the fuck?

And you're like,

I wrote that on you, you stupid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's just a different idea.

That's so fun, Tom.

That is really cool.

I've seen it in movies.

Oh, yeah.

What kind of films?

European.

I'm a cinephile.

Anyway, there's,

yeah, it is the holidays.

If you want to come see me on tour, we announced a bunch of shows.

We added shows in a couple of cities.

We've added shows in DC.

We've added shows in Louisville, Kentucky.

And there's more being added.

So get some tickets.

Comsigura.com slash tour.

It's a great holiday gift to give your loved one

tickets to a show, live show.

I mean, people came to the, I was at the club last night at the

Comedy Mothership here in Austin.

Yeah.

And I was hanging out with people.

They go, yeah, I've never seen live.

And I go, well, there's, they're like, yeah, there's nothing like a live show.

They just watch specials and stuff, but it's just fun, but there really is nothing like live performances.

It's a totally different bowl game.

And you're doing the UK.

Belfast, Manchester, London, Glasgow, Nottingham.

Cardiff.

Cardiff.

People have asked me, and I wanted to actually respond to people, like, why aren't you doing a more extensive European tour?

And it really is just

scheduling and life commitments that just don't allow.

It's, I would love to, believe me.

I love doing all the cities that I've done before in Paris, Berlin, and

Copenhagen, and so on and so forth.

It's just, you have to have the time to do it.

It's too much time.

It's too much time.

Yeah.

You can't do it all.

So that's why, if you're asking me, it's not that I don't want to go.

It's just that I don't have the time.

That's it.

You don't have the time.

You're a very important guy.

Well, it's not, you know, it's just like to do that, you have to commit like a month.

You have to do it for like a month.

So it's just too much.

Too much, James.

But I love you.

And I would love to come back and do those cities.

And maybe I can do a second European run at a different time.

Yeah, you're just one man.

Yeah, last time it was too exhausting.

It's too much.

You've been touring.

You're on it forever.

People are like, oh, when is Tom touring again?

I'm like, he's always touring.

Never not touring.

You're always on the road.

That's how it goes.

I mean, it's our job, though.

That's the other thing that, like, when when people say that to me, I'm like, yeah, but that is my job.

My job is to do that.

Touring.

Like, yeah.

That's how I make a living.

Touring.

Yep.

Yep.

This supplements it.

I love doing this, but touring is the gig.

It's the main gig.

It's the main man, the main line.

You got to keep the main thing, the main thing.

Yeah, who said that?

I don't know.

Some fucking.

Some guy.

Some guy.

I have some wonderful things to show you.

Oh.

Even some things I showed last week that you missed that I'm going to bring back just to show you.

I'm so happy.

Yeah.

I mean, I almost got away without seeing them, and now I get to see them.

Now you get to see them.

Here we go.

Here's your opening click, and it's just for you.

Here we go.

Hey,

here you go.

Blow me up, Tom.

I want to see your boobs.

Send me.

Send me.

I want to see your boobs.

I want to see.

This shit is big time.

Who is Randy?

Don't bring anyone mother into this.

No, mom in the fucking stay.

Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Sakura, Tom.

Tom Shabzura.

And Christina Pajits and Christina.

Welcome to your mom's house.

No, I don't like.

Terrible.

I didn't like it.

Can you show me?

I want.

I don't like it.

I want a do-over.

What's funny is that

I don't think he knows how to kiss.

He goes.

Yeah, like

a world kisses.

That means that's probably how he would kiss you.

Let me see again.

Yeah.

Want to see your boobs?

Send me.

It's kind of like

it's an exaggerated version of a kiss.

Yeah.

Like if you're showing an 18-month-old, you go.

Yeah.

That's how he, I bet that's how he really does it.

You know, right now you've got a Rugie in your bottom lip and it looks like he's got 10 Rugies in his bottom lip.

Yeah, but he doesn't have any Rugies in there.

It's full of Rugies.

Yeah.

Because it's just all the boobs that are in his imagination.

Yeah, you don't like that?

No.

Alright, I guess I'm better.

You don't like that?

Alright, we'll change it up.

We'll change it up.

And have to learn how to activate the testicle.

In the dog practice, it's very simple, okay?

Yeah.

So you go to the toilet, take out your clothes.

First thing, tap your testicle, it's crap thing.

And after that, tap it, and now you hold the egg, hold the testicle, and massage the testicle.

Because testicle produces sperm.

If you rub your hand warm and get the chi and hold the testicle and massage the testicle and hit the testicle, that will increase the sperm count.

I don't think that's true.

I don't know about hitting.

I would say massaging, maybe.

I don't think it changes your sperm count.

Can you try it?

I mean, sure, I can try it, but I'm also.

Massage your testes.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Do it.

Does it hurt?

Oh my God, my sperm count just went up.

No, that's made up.

I love him, but I don't think that's true at all.

I think at some point, Western medicine would be like, we got a little thing to tell you about sperm count.

If you rub it and massage it and give it a tap, it's going to go up.

I don't think that's true.

See,

I don't know.

I think he knows a lot about

sexual energy and

extending your orgasms and prolonging ejection.

I think he's, but to be like, your sperm count just went up, I don't think that's true.

You don't think that giving your nuts some extra love

would make them want to produce harder?

I think it's intuitive, what he's saying.

Very intuitive.

You missed this.

I don't want to.

Diarrhea test 471.

Initiate.

Oh.

Oh.

Hand check.

A hand check is insane.

Oh.

He did it.

It appears to be mostly solid.

Very interesting findings.

It's not solid.

More data to follow.

He thinks that's solid.

He's got a real problem.

Diarrhea testing.

You saw this one?

I love it, yeah.

Yeah.

I think you've seen that one.

Yeah, I like it.

And this is where it drops on the floor.

Oh,

that's a good one.

You seen this one?

Yeah, I like it.

No, I like it.

I can watch it again.

Don't push so hard.

Let it go.

That's just a fart.

I remember he's disappointed.

Oh, I see it.

Oh, he peas and farts.

Yeah, but no diarrhea.

Interesting.

It appears to be just urine.

Very interesting findings.

More to follow.

I'm a fucking

idea.

We're friends, dude.

Do you think it's cool if I say what the hard are?

Dude, take a break from cotton picking

and have some lemonade.

Why does he slow down the audio?

I think it's just one of his style.

It's a character choice here.

And then, is this to get laid, you think, with men, or what is this?

I think this is just.

I think he.

My theory on this is that somebody like this wants to be known for this type of stuff, meaning comedy characters.

And what they do is it's not fully engaging everyone.

So they take shits on camera

to people like, oh, that's the guy.

And then they pepper in the stuff that they would like to get the same reaction

as the diarrhea.

That's an astute observation, Tom.

Like you're saying, like, he's a failed artist.

Like, he wants to do this.

Yes.

He doesn't know how to do it, but he's like, I know how to do that diarrhea stuff.

And everybody who does any type of performance knows that feeling of like, oh, I want to be known for this, but it's not getting the same reaction as this, right?

So he's doing a lot of, he does a lot of this slave owner thing on my way to get one of my slaves pregnant.

I don't know.

I think he just got the costume and then maybe backwarded reverse engineered it, you know?

I think the idea, sometimes ideas come to you.

right you know and you're like that's gonna fucking that's gonna hit it's gonna hit you think this is the lane he's like this is i think he probably thought like oh i'll dress up and i'll be like i'm a slave owner yeah i'll do that and it'll be uh it'll really you know get huge reaction and then if it doesn't because i don't know what the reaction was to this so it's you know it is what it is but then he probably was like i should probably just ship my underwear again yeah i mean what i found is that you don't want to overthink the bits yeah and it's always the bits that you give a lot of time and attention and intellectual thought to that don't really hit with the audience.

You're much better off diarying in your underwear and making that into a video.

You're saying it, babe.

That's the truth is like you, so many times in stand-up, you go, this is a good one.

Brilliant bit.

This is like well constructed and it's thoughtful and it's layered and I do this and I take them down here and I'm going to say this and then you do it and it gets like a, huh.

And you're like, what?

No one cares.

And then your throwaway thing that you're like, whatever, gets like the applause break.

Viral.

Yeah.

That's the one people remember.

That's it.

It always happens.

You can't control how the audience perceives you too.

All you can do is consistent output, as we've learned.

And he for sure is doing that.

These diarrhea tests are interesting.

I love them.

And I'm curious to always know the outcome.

I don't want this to be perceived as if I am turning my nose up at the diarrhea.

Never.

No.

No, do we have more of him?

I mean,

he's done 472.

So there's, yeah, there's a bunch of them.

Let's see it.

We'll get to it.

But I don't understand why he wears the biker shorts because that defeats the purpose of the diversity.

Oh, you like the tidy whiteies on?

Well, I want to see the diarrhea spill down.

That's the whole thing.

I do think you were really onto something by doing the cellophane wrap.

I would have loved to have it.

Because that reminds you of Sack Lunch.

I remember.

One of the greatest videos ever.

You introduced me to Sack Lunch.

I remember early on, I was like, this interesting girl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where somebody filled up a see-through pair of underwear

with diarrhea.

And it was a video that was like 05, it was being sent around.

And I was working in an office at the time, and I got sack lunch, and it just changed my life.

Two girls, one cup, and sack lunch.

Oh, and Mr.

Hands,

I would argue, are the three most pivotal videos that completely made me fall in love with the internet and see what's going on.

It's a cool place.

It's all in love.

Really cool place.

I want to just point something out:

for a long time, a long time,

almost the entire time I've known you, I have tried to encourage you

in many different ways to lift weights.

And you were always like, I'm not a fucking guy.

And I don't want to look like a fucking guy.

Well, actually, I said I don't want to look like a bulldyke is what I said.

I was trying to help you out.

So

you resisted so much.

And I accepted it.

And you would.

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You still would exercise.

You would do different things, you know.

You would do, I don't know, cardio stuff, Pilates, all this stuff.

Then,

pretty recently,

some broad that you're working out with

convinces you, I don't know how,

to give weightlifting a try.

And you come home and you have a fucking,

I mean,

an absolute

groundbreaking report.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You go,

guess what?

I think I was wrong, and I like weightlifting.

Tom.

I'm like, what?

You're like, yeah.

It took me 20 years to realize it.

I don't like it.

I love it.

You know why?

Because it hearkens.

You know, they have Romanian deadlifts.

There's something about this.

You're just lifting heavy thing, lift it again, and then you lift it.

It's very easy.

And I like it.

brain likes it.

But you know what convinced me is that it was a hot chick that did the weightlifts.

A friend of mine who's very attractive.

She was like, This is what I do.

This is what I do.

And I was like, Well, I want to look like you.

And so I found on Instagram a lovely trainer.

She's like a sweet, blonde southern lady, the sweetest, most wonderful.

And now I go to a gym that she teaches in.

Teaches in?

Trains.

Trains.

And it is a dude's gym.

Oh, boy it is heavy metal

playing it's guys missing limbs and lifting it's tattoos it's smelly dick and balls gym like a real dude gym and i love it

but what i've noticed

a lot of sounds dudes make sounds i mean it's a very dramatic

and you're like

I've given birth twice and I didn't make this much noise.

You know what I mean?

Like, you guys are kind of hamming it up.

Some dudes in gyms, I've been going to gyms my entire life.

Some dudes in gyms are performative.

Yes.

Sometimes, I mean, it makes sense when you're doing certain lifts.

You exert, obviously, a lot of energy.

There's a lot going into heavy lifting.

So in certain lifts, it makes sense,

like a grunt, a push.

Some guys dial it way up.

That's what I'm saying.

You're like...

Yeah.

You're like, you don't need to.

I know.

And a lot of them wear earbuds as they're lifting so they don't hear the sounds they're making.

Sure helps knock it out.

Yeah.

It's so embarrassing because I'm like, could you dial it?

Could you calm the fuck down?

It's, I know.

It's very.

It's performative.

It's performative.

Because how come I can do heavy things and I don't have to go,

well, you also just started.

Maybe in a year you'll be like, you know what?

I got to make the noise.

Started fucking pulling three and I just

grunt now.

And you know what I noticed too?

A lot of iPhones scrolling.

That?

A lot of scrolling.

The The scrollers,

they're not that serious.

That's what I feel.

They're dilettantes.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

You got time to scroll, bro.

And there's also the chatty Kathys, the ones who do a set, and then they go over and they just have full fucking 12-minute conversations about things.

And you're like, aren't you supposed to be focused here?

Yeah.

Doing something?

I know.

Yeah, like some of these guys, you know, again, I'm new to the scene.

I feel like maybe they do, you know, one, one rep or whatever, and then they're just sitting on the thing, scrolling, looking.

I do think

I am thrilled that you're doing it.

I really think there's nothing better.

I've been going to my gym, and it's the fucking greatest.

I love it.

I like it too.

I really like it.

I feel because I've done the Pilates and stuff, this is just, it makes you feel stronger immediately.

Yeah.

You know?

You just feel, you feel better.

By the way, you have an open invite to my gym.

I will not be coming to your gym, but you can come to mine.

I liked my gym's.

My gym's too hardcore for for you.

You don't even.

Okay.

I got a sweatshirt and everything.

All right.

No, I've been just absolutely

killing it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Every morning.

What?

Get up and train.

Yeah.

It's the best.

I feel so good.

It was, it really was great leading up to production.

And then coming during production, it was a goddamn nightmare to do anything.

I would only do it on off days.

Of course.

I was exhausted.

But I'm happy that you're doing this.

I think you're going to really, and one day you might look like this.

Look at this guy.

This nigga's blind, but this nigga know where the fucking Jim is at.

He looks great.

Hey, an old head, too.

Nigga got his weight up.

Nigga don't know where the fuck he at.

But he knows where them weights is at.

Yes, he does.

All right, man.

I ain't even mad at you.

You probably don't even know you that Brolly, bro.

That's crazy.

You probably don't even know he that brollick

that's wild if you're listening right now there is a man crossing the street in brooklyn who is blind and he's got the the

what is it the seeing eyes what do they call it stick the blind guy stick sure the blind guy stick and he's you know he's trying to figure out how to cross the street here clearly blind and he is in his 60s and he is beyond jacked.

This dude is yoked up.

He's in a tank.

It looks like he's got a weightlifting belt on.

And he is so fucking jacked.

He is so ripped, dude.

The Adidas pants.

I will say, too, because you guys have always joked, and I've heard men joke about how the upper body is jacked, but then the calves are like puny.

And I've seen it, and I see it on the pictures in my gym of like the champions, you know?

Yeah.

They're flexing, and I'm like, yeah, but how come the bottom is so tiny?

Yeah, that's a thing.

It's like, well, that's like

so many meatheads just care about like

bench press and arms that's all they do and then they yeah so that's that whole thing of like don't skip leg day don't skip leg day bro yeah now i know what that means i never knew what that meant yeah exactly yeah he looks good though i like see it a lot in the gay community um

what they skip leg day you see a lot of like jacked upper body yeah dudes and i think a lot of times like gay dudes and they're like

just like crazy guns and then these like little like pelican legs yeah yeah it looks great i love look I love the environment.

I, I,

um, I love it.

Like I said, there's like people missing limbs and stuff, and they have prosthetics.

It's so rad.

It's so hard fucking core.

And I, I.

A lot of people missing limbs?

Well, not a lot, but there's a, there's a dudes in there who yeah, and they have prosthetics and they're still lifting and they're still growing.

And I want like our sons to go there.

when they're teenagers and be like, you fucking think life is hard?

Go fucking lift weights when you're missing a leg, bro.

Go do that.

That's a real thing.

I love it.

No, I don't want to go to no pussy lady gym.

Because first I thought about it, like, maybe they should make a lady gym.

They do make lady gyms, yeah.

What?

With like the weights are pink and stuff and it smells nice?

Yeah.

Whoa.

And it's just like all broads.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a very big business.

Oh, I got to talk to my...

I got to talk to my trainer about this.

You don't know about this?

Yeah, of course.

How come nobody...

There's even gyms that are like women only.

Oh, I know that.

Yeah.

But I mean, like, weightlifting proper.

Well I mean they have the equipment and then there's like the hoity-toity.

Yeah.

There's like the high-end stuff like what's it called?

Soul cycling.

I'm thinking of the one.

It's really nice.

It's X EX.

Equinox.

Equinox.

Equinox is like usually like the high-end, you know.

The lady.

But here's the deal, man.

It's still like a really nice gym.

But that's a whole other culture.

It's a different culture.

I can't do it.

Sounds like you want to be with the real fucking.

With the bros.

Yeah.

Do you live in Luffbro?

Like, I like saying that.

I like I like looking at them.

I like listening to them.

I like how there's an etiquette.

They don't talk to each other.

They certainly don't talk to the women that are there.

I see the bros lifting and looking,

but they're not going to say a word.

There's a trend online of women who, there's such dumb twats, who they go to gyms and they set up

cameras.

to record themselves.

Like I'm recording myself doing this set.

That's so embarrassing.

And then they post the video of, like, look at these guys checking me out.

And they complain about it.

They're like,

and they'll do it for a guy who's literally just going to be like, it's like glancing.

Yeah.

They're like, look at this guy checking.

Like, that's a normal thing to do.

Normal.

Like, people look around.

They're making it sound like someone's going like, no.

Staring at them.

Yeah.

And they usually get ripped apart for it, actually.

No, I was going to, I mean, the men are so respectful, actually, at this gym.

And it's lovely.

And it's nothing like that.

Oh, yeah, they're missing limbs.

They know what can happen.

I know.

Yeah, but I know you're talking about, and like the in the Pilates community, like there's tears to that, too.

Like, if you want to go like rich mom Pilates, then you got to wear the right Lululemons, you got to wear the right thing.

Well, I like that you told me about that yoga class you went to where there's just always one guy.

Yeah, and we pass by there on Sundays, and I'm telling you, there's always one weirdo straggler in jean shorts, or he always wears the wrong fucking thing.

It's not the same guy, but it's like a type.

16 chicks and one guy, one fucking bro.

In the back of the class.

Yeah.

Just looking.

Just sniffing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Such a fucking asshole.

I love it.

I feel so much better when I come here.

Yeah.

Well,

I haven't done the Pilates group sesh yet at this place I joined, but I'm curious to see if a dude will show up there.

Because usually it's older men that'll do Pilates like

men trying to heal injuries or something, but you don't see the straggler in the Pilates class.

And Soul Cycle apparently is a whole other mom culture, too.

Have you done that?

The difference between, yeah, that's it.

That's a tough one.

I hear people even rent the bike.

Yeah.

Like the front, I want my front bike, so I'll pay $8,000 a year just to have my front bike.

That's the price.

That's like in Manhattan or something, like in the, in the

days.

The thing about those moms.

The difference between like Pilates and yoga, though, is like if you're in a Pilates and you're on the reformer, the reformer.

There's not really...

It can be very difficult, right?

It can be very challenging.

You can't really...

But in yoga, you can be like, I can't really do this pose.

And you can just kind of go like,

just breathe, just take it easy.

And you can just be the guy in the back.

You're like, wow, there's a lot of buttholes here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or I'm just going to do the child's pose.

I'm just going to child's pose this way.

My ankle isn't ready for this.

I do love doing the yoga class.

I like to see people's beeholes and, you know, body parts.

When we did that for,

remember, we did a Sober October challenge?

I mean, I have to say, it totally changes your perspective and your respect for it.

Yoga can also just be completely brutal as far as a chat.

Fucking kicks your ass.

If you've never done it, especially if you're like an active person and you're just like, I've never done it, I cannot recommend trying that enough.

Go into it hydrated and ready to feel things you've never felt before.

Hot yoga or core power yoga.

Yeah, any of them.

Try any of them.

Jesus Christ, yeah.

Speaking of working out in bodies,

we last talked about some of the hottest and not so hottest first ladies.

That's right.

We didn't do presidents.

No, we got to do something for the ladies listening, too.

Yeah, so how about we look at some of the hottest presidents?

U.S.

presidents, maybe?

Or are we going to look at international presidents?

Oh, so this is great.

We found pictures of presidents in their swimsuits, which I think, like, why not just go there?

Yeah.

Let's go see it.

Let's see what's up.

So there's Obama.

You know, Obama, I always felt was attractive, but not handsome, where I was like, oh, I want to bang Obama.

Cool.

Didn't have,

he didn't have the chutzpah of a JFK, which, like, I want to bang Kennedy.

Well, I think a lot of that, too, is deliberate.

I think, you know, being

the president, and you, you know, he could probably throw his dick around if he wanted to, but there's a certain way you carry yourself.

Barack, yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

But he is very well put together.

That guy's always

physically fit.

And I think, especially if you're talking about in that world of presidents,

that's like, he's an outlier.

Like, he was always in really good shape.

George W.

As president,

unbelievably good shape.

This guy was running six-minute miles all the time.

And for multiple miles.

He was in really good physical condition.

Let's see who he is.

Hold on.

Let's do presidential scale of one to 10.

Okay.

Looks for Obama.

Let's rate him only in the president scale of 1 to 10.

Like, who's our 10?

Are we going to say JFK is the 10?

Oh, but his body's better than that.

He looks great.

Oh, yeah.

It's also generationally, if you look at the 60s and what they considered physically fit.

Oh, you're about to see it on this one.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so look, that's like a GQ photo.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so look, I'm going to give Obama almost, what, do you think a nine?

Yeah.

He's a nine.

Yeah.

I would say that's a very fair rating.

He looks great there.

Okay.

He looks great.

All right.

All right.

Let's go see the other swimsuit edition presidents.

Holy shit.

Biden.

He didn't do leg day ever.

No.

No, Biden doesn't look good there.

I mean, okay.

Hold on.

Young Biden was kind of hot.

That's what we're going to say.

What age.

If we could look at anybody in their 80s.

Of course.

He's 80 years old.

Yeah.

Let's go younger Biden.

What does a younger Biden look like?

He's cute.

Oh.

That's super young Biden.

That's super.

Yeah, even in the...

Oh, but look at that bad comb over in the 70s.

No, the hair's not great.

No,

the hair's not great.

But he's got a handsome enough face.

I think he's a decent face.

I don't know what he would look like shirtless in this era, but it's probably just fair.

So what do you think?

He doesn't get a slender build.

I mean,

here's the thing.

You have to remember something.

It gets a lot worse.

So don't forget that on the scale.

It gets a lot worse.

Wait a minute.

That's not fair.

You're going to grade him.

No, no, I'm saying you can grade him objectively, but just don't forget if you're like, if you think this is bad, it gets worse.

We're not going into negative numbers.

So just remember that.

I think that this is, to be fair, and if you're saying Obama's a nut, you got to go down to like

six?

I was going to say six.

Because this is above average, for sure.

For presidents.

He's a presidential ship.

For sure.

He's a presidential.

But don't you think you need to grade them based on how they looked as president?

Because we're not looking at Obama in his 20s.

We're looking at him as president.

Well, I would say Obama's is, what, 40s, and this is a Joe in his 40s.

Should we go to the...

But he's right, but Obama was president in his 40s.

No.

So 50s?

Do we look at people in their 50s?

Presidential 50s?

How old is JFK?

It's a fair point.

It's what you are as president.

Oh, gosh.

Just when you think you have this game.

All right.

We have to.

There's got to be room.

All right.

All right, fine.

Presidency hotness.

Okay, fine.

You're right.

You're right.

Presidency hotness.

So that guy.

That's pots.

You got to go down a couple notches.

I mean, the tits and everything.

I know.

How sad to be photographed.

I know, but like, I'd hate to be photographed in my big bathing suit.

It's so awful.

Yeah, no, it's a nightmare.

Poor guy.

Okay, well, this is a disaster.

Right now, based on that photo, I'm going to give him the lowest.

He's a one.

No.

Boo.

Who's worse than him?

You just started the fucking game.

I'm giving.

He's a three.

A three.

Give him a three.

I'm telling you, you don't know what's coming up.

Nothing worse than this.

I don't think you're right.

I think it gets notably worse.

I think it gets notably worse.

There's nobody older that's been president than Biden.

Have you seen

president, though?

Yeah, dog show.

All right.

I'm going to have to

each have our own scale.

Okay, keep going.

Okay, so what's the ranking for Biden?

I'm going to give Biden a one based on this photograph of him with his tits hanging and everything and his body sagging.

It's not his fault.

He's old.

He's a solid.

It just sucked.

Negative.

Negative.

I think you're going to see.

Keep going.

Okay, so now compared to him, Obama is like, oh, it's like a 10.

That's sexy, right?

So high, yeah.

Oh, look at that staged photo.

Yeah.

Hillary.

That ain't real.

That's so fake.

Dude, you and I never even pose like that.

It's got to be from the 80s, too.

Look at that.

Back when she was.

98.

He's president there.

Oh, please.

Is this before?

He says it.

He's president.

No, I know, but is this before after Monica?

I don't know.

Is this staged right after that happens?

This is such a fun thing.

They're having a good time.

You just fucking let them have fun.

No.

It's such bullshit.

So.

Okay, okay, okay.

But Bill.

Bill.

Are there more photos or just this one?

Is there something underneath that?

This is what we have here, but this is right during the Lewinsky stand.

Yeah.

That's right.

That tracks.

Yeah.

That's a fake photo.

Okay.

Now, personally, for me, I was never, I never felt he was that attractive of a pres.

He was not my type.

Right.

Oh, there he is.

He's okay.

He's good.

He's a little red-faced, a little pink.

Charisma plays a role.

Great.

Personality plays a role.

Remember, he played the, didn't he play the saxophone?

He played the sax.

And he also had swag times a thousand.

He's the swaggiest president we've ever had.

Well, are we going on swag or are we going on looks?

And I'm going based on looks.

It's a package.

It's the whole thing.

You're not just like separating the the two.

Oh, I do.

You know, you're no fun to do this with.

Like, it's literally, you're making this difficult.

Just have fun for Christ's sake.

It's him, what he looks like, and who he is.

It's all together.

It's a package.

So, you, yes, you consider the looks, but you also know the guy.

So you have to go, it's all together.

Is it great?

No.

Does it get worse?

Absolutely.

So, where do you rank him?

That's a bad photo.

Well, okay, hold on.

I think Biden's still the worst.

I think he's at a

three and a half, four.

I feel like I'm more generous than you.

I feel like I don't think that's fair.

To say that that's not even average.

I'll tell you what.

Look at the pool of talent.

You don't think that's even average?

I think he messed up with the Lewinsky thing.

He didn't handle it.

What are we talking about?

You say he has swags.

What are we talking about?

I'm talking about swag.

You say so he has swag.

Yeah, Yeah, but then that whole thing kind of diminished the swag for me.

Why?

What?

When he got caught with Lewinsky, and then he's like, do it in the lion, and he was

in court, and he was doing the lawyering thing where he was like, now when I say affair, my mouth, the penis on the mouth.

Do you understand?

Do you understand why a woman cannot be president?

Like, do you understand it?

Because it's so clear now, right?

We're playing a game about who is fucking, how attractive they are in their bathing suits.

I don't find him attractive.

No, you said it's a whole package.

What is it then?

Meaning you can't just rank the fucking the

which is it, Segura.

Is it the whole package the swag or is it the big the bathing suit look?

You're the worst.

No, no, am I crazy?

Now he's contradicting himself.

No, you are the worst.

Ask them.

Ask them.

You said before you the whole package the swag.

And now you're going back to just the swimsuit.

Okay, ask them.

Ask them if they if they understand what you're thinking and how you think or what they don't have to understand oh that's right because there's only one person that understands how you're thinking right now and that's you nobody else gets this okay then let me have it can i have my own level of attraction for whatever reason it's subjective tom This is this is a subjective sport we're playing.

Can I just ask a question?

Yeah.

Are you saying that you find him less attractive?

You found him less attractive because he got caught?

That's what that reduced his swag.

How he handled it.

The way that he handled it in court, I I remember he was doing a bunch of lawyer speak, and that was very unswaggish.

And ever since then, I don't like him as much.

He was doing these weird things, and the phrasing, and

he was backpedaling.

It wasn't attractive.

He gave you the ick.

Yes, that's right.

He should have just apologized and owned it and go on with it.

Okay.

Who's the next person?

Can we move on to the next person?

What are you going to rank him?

He's a

six.

Wow.

You did that just to spite me.

No, it was a spiteful six, and you fucking know it, Ziggy.

No.

Your whole rationale is

very difficult to process.

And it's very illogical.

Okay.

Here is George H.W.

Bush as president in 1989.

He's got to be, well,

is he 60 or older there?

65.

He's 65 years old here.

I mean, there's nothing,

there's nobody, I don't feel like there's a president in my lifetime who has felt more asexual than HW

you know there's there he is right there yeah I agree he looks he's like he's keeping it together this is actually

there's effort involved in this you don't you know I mean he's still running he's slender he's not like you know oh my god

super is there other there he is that's him much but way before president

Just put George H.W.

Bush

during presidency.

Yeah, you know what he's got?

He feels safe.

He's a safe.

He's got pastor vibes.

Yeah, it's exactly right.

Yeah.

And I don't feel like he's particularly attractive or unattractive.

He's just there.

Right.

He's the beige of presidents.

He's a pair of khakis.

Yeah.

So go back to his shirtless photo.

You know, he's holding, that's a 65-year-old man.

He's holding it together.

That being said,

I think you got to give him

a five.

Yeah.

That's so generous.

Okay.

I'm comparing him in my mind.

He's 65.

So we have one is Biden.

I'm going to give a four.

Okay, pretty close.

We're only a point apart on that one.

Maybe we're coming back together.

Wow.

I love the era of the pants over the belly button.

I know.

I do too.

Because they think they're hiding their gut.

Their hushy, yeah.

Yeah.

And you're not fooling anybody by doing that, but I like it.

Is she throwing an apple to a child?

What's going on in this photo?

Isn't it fool?

I don't know.

He's on the beach.

A coconut.

He's tossing a coconut.

Oh, a coconut.

Now, now, Ronnie, don't forget, he's old as fuck.

Ronnie was an actor.

I know.

So there has to be like some vanity to this person.

Okay, but how old is he in this photo?

Scroll down there.

It's 84, so he is president in this photo.

I'm going to say he's got to be

also into his.

He was a better, I think he's better 65 than HW 65.

Right?

Scroll down more.

Is there any more?

Oh, yeah.

Here he is.

No, that's a different one.

That's Ford.

Do Ronald Reagan shirtless

during presidency?

It's very important that we get the criteria right.

See, Ronnie has like no muscle tone, though.

He's thin.

But that is also like so.

Well, that's not terrible.

It's not terrible.

But that's.

That's older.

God, that's what I look like now.

it's bad.

Yeah.

It's kind of looks like it's the same

trip.

Well,

Jesus.

But here's the deal, man.

All right, there we go.

Okay.

Little tits ag.

He's got tits and a belly.

But here's the thing: is that he had a good face.

You're right.

He was an actor.

Look, he photographs well.

He's tan there.

Yeah.

He knew how to position himself.

Like, you know.

How old was he during, like, when he just gave him the benefit of when he started, he started his presidency in 80.

So how about Ronald Reagan, 1980?

Let's do that.

Okay.

That's when his presidency started.

Can we see that?

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

That's.

Yeah.

I mean, he again, he's, he's,

he's kind of, he's not beige.

Like, H.W.

HW is real bland.

Yeah.

There's definitely more charm and charisma

to this guy.

Okay, I'm going to give Ronnie a generous on a presidential scale of one to 10.

I'm going to rank him higher than Clinton, and I'm going to go with a five.

I am.

For me, I have fond memories of Reagan when I was a little girl.

Yeah.

Charismatic.

Are you moist between your legs?

Okay.

No.

So I'm going to go to six.

Wow.

Well, I gave HW five.

So this is six now.

Okay.

And Reagan was older.

He was 73 in those photos.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

So that's a good 73.

That's really good.

For your 70s, people fall apart in their 70s.

Like, completely fall apart.

It's a tough one to crack.

Okay.

So.

This is my favorite.

This is Gerald Ford.

Yay.

Look at him.

He looks good.

And this is for old-timey standards.

This is the 70s.

Yes, 1975.

This is like the Burt Reynolds hot era.

I think he looks great.

I'm going to give Gerald Ford a presidential

gosh, I would even go seven based on that photo.

Wow.

Don't you think?

He is holding it together.

He is.

Looks good.

Scroll down a little.

Ooh, that's Nick.

Nixon.

How old is Gerald Ford in 1975?

He's born in 1913.

Holy shit.

So

he's 62.

There's a big difference between your 60s and 70s.

Big difference.

A big difference.

All right.

He's a six and a half.

But again, we're going on the term of presidency.

We're going the term of presidency.

That's fair.

The age in which you were photographed.

Six and a half.

Looks great.

Now, Nixon is the next one, and I just caught a glimpse of it.

He looks really good there.

Again, the high-waisted.

He's not president there, though, right?

No, that's 1950s.

VP.

Yeah.

He looks good.

Yeah, but that's not.

We're not.

He's got it over his belly button, too.

That's so cool.

No.

We need to bring that back.

Yeah.

You can't cheat now.

Everybody sees everything.

Yeah.

Everything's so revealed.

Yeah.

Oh.

I mean,

he's not a particularly attractive man, right?

I mean.

Still, he's got something going for him.

I like

his air of certainty, authority.

Oh.

There he goes.

That's not bad.

Yeah,

that's definitely pre-presidency, but yeah.

No, it's not it's not terrible.

All right, but I'm going to

take Nixon because he had a nice full-headed air.

Hold on before we get there, I'm going to give Nixon a five.

Okay.

I think it's fair.

What do you think?

I'll go with five.

Okay.

Yeah.

Are you writing these down?

These are important.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Linden.

You can't really see, but I like, he looks like a Gene Hackman there.

He also distinguished.

He's way swaggier.

Yeah.

He's way cooler.

Way cooler.

That's my point.

That's the point I was making at the beginning of this before you lost your mind is that

their

personality plays a role in it.

Okay.

So he doesn't look

particularly

amazing, but he's way cooler.

Yana, can we go back to Bill Clinton's swag?

A lot of it was a phony baloney swag.

Okay, look at me.

Stay with me.

Stay with me.

That guy is that guy is that guy no matter what the fuck happens to him.

Because he's an old school cigarette smoking, whiskey drinking.

I don't give a fuck.

Yeah.

Old school guy.

Yeah.

Now, Bill.

Scroll up a little bit.

Whenever the wind blew,

he wasn't steadfast in who he is.

You understand what I'm saying?

He was kind of a pussy, and I didn't like that he wavered.

But that guy, this Gene Hackman-looking Lyndon B.

Johnson, that's a real dude.

That's an old school guy.

I like that.

I find this, this is more attractive to me than Bill Clinton being a pussy when the shit shit hit the fan.

You understand?

Okay.

So, what do you think?

I think this is more attractive.

I'm going to give him a six.

I'll give him a seven.

Wow.

I'm giving him a seven.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yep.

Also, we're in Texas and he's a Texan.

Yeah, that's true.

It's true.

Now, here it is, the gold standard.

Here it is.

Mr.

Cum Gutters himself.

Yep.

JFK.

He's like, did I nut in you earlier?

And look at them touching the president.

Oh, yeah.

See where that is.

Yeah.

Can't do that anymore.

Oh my God.

You can't do that anymore.

No, they got him.

Look how happy.

They're all just losing their minds.

Touching him.

Yeah.

Could you imagine people touching the president?

Not like that.

Shirtless.

Fucking wet bathing suit.

You can't see an outline of his dog.

This is crazy.

It's too bad.

Scroll down a little bit.

What does it say?

He's a gold swim.

Santa Mona.

So it's 1962.

During his presidency.

That's insane.

Yeah, they just touch him.

Yeah.

Now, the funny thing is the standard for bodies, then.

I know.

So, like,

if you're being like today's standards, some people be like, Yeah, I mean, like, he's not grossly overweight, but this guy's not fit.

Like, that would be today's thing.

They'd be like, Yeah, he's not fit.

And then they'd be like, This guy is a fucking dime.

Yeah, that's great.

Yeah.

Even the women's swimsuits, I love back then, because, you know, your pussy lips weren't hanging out, your ass wasn't hanging out.

Like, it just covered you, and you felt like a lady.

Nice phrasing.

Yeah.

Yeah, look at that.

But that's like

cute.

You're just like, somebody would be like, well, yeah, start going to the gym.

That's literally what they would say.

No.

For sure.

I know, which sucks because I think his body is fine.

Because it's a normal body.

It's normal.

He's great.

He actually has like a normal,

healthy look.

Now, his son right there,

JFK Jr.

Ugh.

Ugh, what a sick sky.

That's a fit guy.

Yeah, he's

a stud.

This guy fucks.

He fucks.

Big time.

Actually, he doesn't fuck like daddy.

Daddy fucked.

Daddy fucked hard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look at Jacqueline.

Wow.

Look at Carrie Grant shirtless.

And that's like a great,

like for

in this era.

That was considered the...

This is the leading man of Holly.

This is like the hottest man in the world.

And there's like, there's no physique, really.

No.

It's just.

He's just like trimmed.

Yeah.

Like he just has his weight down.

And he looks great.

Keep your weight off.

And that was considered like you're doing great.

But I think this is more attractive than like, I think that's lovely.

This to me is what a man looks like.

This is very lovely.

For today's era, they'd be like, you know.

You're not.

I know.

You're scrawny.

Look at that little pose.

Hello.

Look at his tush.

So gay.

Somebody back there.

Oopsie.

Can I too?

Yeah.

And you know, for the, we had the big boom of action stars in the 80s, going into the 90s, was about like Schwarzenegger still, and they're like super, super jacked.

Then you see, like, Bruce Willis, and he actually just looks normal.

Right.

He's not actually, he's just healthy.

He just looks like weight, your weight's down.

Yeah.

Just looks normal.

You're right.

Like, what's the one we watch every year at Christmas?

We love Die Hard.

He looked just like a cop, like an in-shape cop.

Yeah.

Not even like particularly in-shape, though.

Just not

like.

Not a fucking look.

Yeah, it looks great.

that was 80s fit i liked 80s fit yeah that's just uh yeah help like you know like he's just not fat yeah that's it

i know even marilyn monroe's body she wasn't like you know lean and jacked not at all the way models are now no she had a little chub on not chub but just a layer of baby fat like normal female body fat wasn't she reportedly like 150 once like that's a full figure towards the end of yeah towards not in the beginning, no.

Yeah, she gained a little bit of a bad.

Oh, no.

Well, it fluctuated.

118 to 140.

Yeah, she was heavier, yeah, when she died.

Full tits.

30, 60.

Full tits.

Yeah.

Full tits.

Tits were probably fucking half that weight.

Yeah, tits were a lot of weight, man.

That's for sure.

All right.

How many more presidents?

Full circle back to JFK.

JFW?

Yeah!

Look at that.

He would dump his clip in there, too.

He and his brother would take, would tag team her.

That is dope.

Malibu.

Isn't that crazy?

The president?

I mean,

and it was known.

Like, oh, they just plow her.

It's so weird.

Who's getting plowed today?

Who do you think is the Maryland of today that like

presidents are dumping clips in?

Like, men of power.

I just don't think that that's a thing now.

It's got to be, right?

I just don't think so.

Well, it's definitely.

Is it like Instagram models?

Like, you know, they get called over to the Middle East.

Maybe.

This is just a different era.

Oh, my God.

They wanted their shit in my mouth.

Can you believe it?

You know,

there's no digital tracking in this era.

It's just literally like, I don't know, somebody passes someone a message and then they show up.

But like this era, these guys can't do this shit.

Not like him.

He was everywhere.

Just, my back hurts, but if I nut, maybe it'll feel better.

Yeah.

But what's underneath him?

Is there any more?

We've got to be running out of photos here.

Truman.

Okay.

That's a dog chow.

That's one step above Biden.

Well, you guys didn't rate.

Is that 10?

Oh.

Who?

JFK?

Yeah,

I think he's at presidential 10.

And then right under him is Obama.

Okay.

The Dems are always hotter.

And then

go down.

Go down.

The men.

The male Dems.

Roosevelt.

Well, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, these guys, they're both sub-fives.

Yeah.

Truman Roosevelt.

They're like

three-fours.

Yeah.

So JFK.

He's the gold standard, I think.

Right.

Would you agree with with that assessment?

Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Yeah, JFK.

Yeah, JFK Obama.

Yeah.

As far as like attractive level, I think you're right.

Yeah.

Those guys could have been like movie stars or whatever.

Anybody in there grossly disagree with any ranking?

I kind of feel like, are we ranking these guys against the ones we're showing or entire presidency?

Because they would be closer to tens, almost all of them.

Wait, if they're what?

If they're ranked against all of of presidential history.

Oh, oh, I see what you're saying.

Oh, yeah, they're dogs.

No, I think it's got to be modern era.

Yeah, if you can't be like, how about Grover Cleveland?

No, those are dogs.

Yeah, those guys.

Those are hard ones.

Yeah, those are hard ones.

Everybody's hard on.

Those are just the zeros.

Yeah.

I think it has to, you have to do it in this

photography era.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, because we don't even really know what people look like.

Like, right, like Lincoln, there's like

his paintings, yeah.

Those are flattering.

It's pretty, yeah, it's pretty, I mean, understood that it ain't good.

None of it was good.

Yeah.

We're probably a little harsh right there on Truman, by the way.

Yeah.

I think we just, we're over it.

Bad angle.

It's not a great angle, but he's definitely,

you know.

Also, it's like, but you got to picture yourself with your mouth between his legs.

You know?

I can't even.

I know.

I know.

It's rough.

Yeah.

Who do you go for?

If you're gay, you have to choose.

What, one of these?

Yeah.

I mean, for the story, probably JFK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd be like, fucking, I had a pretty good weekend.

Do you think he was nice?

Like, he would, like, leave you presence, or do you think he, you know what I mean?

Like, would he just come in, pump and dump, and bounce, or would he spend some time with you, romance you?

It's obviously all hypothetical, but I feel like there was a little romance to him.

Yeah.

A little charm.

Yeah, because he didn't get a bad reputation for doing that.

Like, women weren't like, God, this guy, you know, assaulted me.

They were happy to oblige, I think.

Yeah.

He probably hung out, had some whiskey and cigars.

I bet Clinton was super charming, too.

I don't think he was just like fucking lay there.

I think he was cracking jokes and like, you know, being charming.

I think he was probably,

yeah.

laying it out and I got you a cab and everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think he was probably nice about it.

And I bet the ladies felt bad for Bill because of who he was married to.

Like, you know, she wasn't touching him.

And they, long ago, they made an arrangement.

No.

But Jackie, oh, I felt bad for Jackie.

You know, she was beautiful.

Beautiful.

Beautiful and nice.

Pretty nice.

Yeah, fancy and nice.

Who knew?

Now, how about this guy?

Oh, right.

We didn't rank him.

He did lose the LBs.

For the upcoming.

There's that argument that his upcoming presidency, in which he is notably older, he might even look better.

I think he does look better now than he did before.

Because he's doing less of the orange bullshit.

He actually feels like he did less crazy hair stuff now.

And yeah, he's older, but he dropped like 15, 20 pounds.

So there's definitely a case that he looks better, I think, now.

I think so, too.

I think someone got a hold of him and tamed him down a bit.

I don't know who the fuck could do that to him.

I don't know either.

Maybe Melania would do that.

I do think he looks better now than he did four or six years ago.

I really mean he could he looked insane the last presidency.

The white and the orange.

The face cream shit is always insane.

I know.

The hair has obviously always been a story.

It looked absolutely crazy, too.

It looked like a dead animal on his head.

And he would wear these ill-fitting suits.

You got a multi-billionaire wearing these frumpy suits that, like, what happens when you're fat is you go, you want to cover your fat.

Yeah.

So you start, you start buying things that are too big, yep, and you just look fatter.

Oh, yeah.

So, but I think he actually looks better now.

I think so too, Tom.

And I think Melania never ages.

She looks amazing.

No, that's a totally different

category.

Yeah, so if you had to rank him,

he's definitely not doing any shirtless photos, but I think

pull up our score, our chart again.

Yeah,

I would say

he's also in his 70s.

I'm going to give him a Truman ranking.

Like a 3-4?

Yeah.

It feels fair.

Yeah.

So Biden's still the lowest on there.

Oh.

Poor guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, you have to.

He's definitely better than that.

So if I gave Biden a three,

yeah, I would say that Trump's a four and a half.

He's 70 fucking eight years old, also.

Looks better.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm so glad we did this work.

This was important.

We're going to get to Syria and some of the issues going on in the internationally in a moment.

Yeah, but this was important work.

We spent so much emotional energy on it, too.

Yeah.

Look how heated we got, Tom.

I know.

I feel like there was, you know, we don't really argue about much in our marriage.

And then look at this.

Became, you got really upset with me.

Well, it makes you, you know

like i said things you care about are things you get passionate about so here's something to transition you out of that oh

yeah i've seen this guy this guy's pretty interesting he's russian right i think so yeah

it's not that different than taking a shit in your underwear it's it's the same type of thing hold on it is though the taking a shit in your underwear, I think, involves a lot more preparation.

First of all, you've got to give yourself diarrhea every day to film your shit.

Well, you know, he's doing diarrhea tests.

Sometimes he's like, oh, it's not diarrhea.

It's solid or it's just urine.

Right, but let's infer that he's taking things that would induce diarrhea.

So you're talking a few hours of prep work there.

And then he's got to choose the underwear.

Where we think eggs just grow on trees?

This guy goes out and he buys eggs.

He's doing it for like, this will get people excited.

That's true.

Yeah.

I liked it.

I liked liked watching it.

This is more entertaining than a lot of stuff I see on television.

Well, I got some interesting stuff to show you.

Is this horrible or hilarious?

Here we go.

Oh, shit.

Fuck, dude.

Oh, it's good.

I liked it though.

Huh, hong.

Wow.

Huh, hong.

Yeah.

Hoo-hong.

I think that means my arm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it sounds like you kind of laughed.

I liked it.

I thought it was funny.

Because she should know better than to go next to that.

Yeah, she should.

Here we go.

That was a good one.

Oh, shut up.

How did that happen?

He's okay.

He's okay.

How is he laughing?

How is this guy laughing?

Because

this guy is double-jointed.

He's just having fun.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck that guy.

Yeah.

It was fun.

It was horrible.

Because you think he's just cracked his leg in half, but it really was just double-jointed.

It was horrible.

I didn't like that.

We also, speaking of videos like this, we got an interesting email from a listener.

Hey guys, I was listening to this, to the Adrienne Appalucci episode.

By the way, she has a great news special out on

Netflix.

You guys are, of course, what?

I just choked for a second.

I can't choke.

Hey fuck you.

It was just scary.

Why is this?

I got scared.

I thought you were dying.

Everyone's fired.

You guys,

the level of disrespect.

We just were worried.

I mean, weren't we all concerned?

We thought you were.

I'm fine.

We thought you were stroking out.

We didn't want to say anything.

You know, first it was the face.

now i fucking choke on saliva for a second and you guys make it a big fucking deal i'm gonna do a drawing for you choking on saliva

i already know how it's gonna go in my head

like that

i'm returning your christmas present i was listening today

to the adriana paluscia episode she has a great new special on netflix you guys

Of course, are 100% free to do your thing.

Thank you for that.

Yes.

But just one person's reaction.

I'm unsubscribing because of the cavalier attitude to actual human suffering is too much, in parentheses, for me.

Understandably, that a lot of comedy is about real human suffering, but this crosses the line, once again in parentheses, for me.

You're both doing great.

This doesn't represent an existential threat to your well-being.

But if my message makes it to you, then I've communicated my wish for more compassion and different choices.

And I think that makes a better world.

And I think comedy contributes to that better world.

Uri.

Okay.

Thanks, Uri.

Here you go.

That guy is fucked.

Yeah, he's so dead.

Dude, everything's fucked.

The bike.

The bones.

Yeah.

That was bad.

That was real bad.

Dude, what the fuck was he doing that?

What did he think would happen then?

That maybe that he would land and just keep on riding?

I don't know.

It's definitely a man.

I don't have to get check on that.

That's a guy.

Let's see what it says here.

That was really just all dumb.

Yep.

It was Danny Fender.

Let's see.

Holy shit.

This dude, after that, he says he hit the drop with too much speed.

And it was also very windy.

He later confirmed he had no broken bones.

No way.

Only a few scratches and a swollen knee.

That is unbelievable.

Here, I'll just say this.

Danny, I'm glad you're okay.

That looked like the dumbest thing I'd ever seen anyone do, but I'm glad you're okay.

Yeah, that was okay.

I thought you were definitely dead.

That was wild, dude.

Yeah.

Excuse me, God.

Woo!

She's gone.

That fucking hurt, dude.

She belly flapped.

She got a mouthful of water.

Her fucking top flew off.

Her panties flew off.

That was terrible.

She put her feet in two.

Like, you got to start skimming.

you know what is she trying to do she's trying to like foot surf like the the so like you're but like the i that speed and the the obviously the force of putting in you got to like start by just like just grazing the water you know and she just went all the way in yeah that's wild it was too much force that was a lot i want to go back to everybody laughing at me i

It was awful, babe.

It's not that we were laughing at you.

It's that you made this whole, it was scary and we we were like, is he not going to be aware of that?

No, but there's repercussions, is what I'm saying.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, there are.

What are you getting to do?

Well, there's no Christmas party anymore.

I'm not doing that.

Oh, my God.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that.

And I'm not doing end-of-year bonuses.

And I am taking back your gift.

Now, let's move on to the next segment.

You said egg roll?

Okay.

How much is that?

You have a general toast?

It was cats here, too.

Is that spicy?

Yes.

He got into so many different positions.

He got into six positions.

Like on a scale of one to ten, how spicy is it?

How spicy is it?

So they are spicy.

I don't know how spicy you eat.

It's the spicy.

The cat's chilling.

The cat's so used to this.

Yeah, this guy's really good.

I gotta say, this guy is really good.

So many farts.

Oh, I was looking for his name.

It's Will the Farter.

Oh,

okay.

Wow, this guy's really official.

He's on cameo.

If anyone's looking to get a video as your plug, I hope you enjoy him.

I'm very much so right in front of my computer.

What do you need me to do?

Not sure, but you can go ahead and elaborate.

So he's one of these guys that can suck air in, right?

That's clearly what's happening.

Because I had a roommate like this in college that could do this.

That's amazing talent.

Yeah.

And he would get on all fours and just

put a bunch of stuff on.

Is he on cameo too?

I don't think so.

He should be.

I think he works in sales.

He's got to change his career path immediately.

Yeah.

This guy's amazing.

Yeah.

What a talent.

What a talent.

So he's sucking it in to fart.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I could watch this guy do this for hours.

It's pretty cool.

good stuff.

All right.

There's one.

Oh, well, I just figured we should do this for you.

Oh, please.

I heard you bitches were looking for me.

I'm just thinking about you choking.

I'm fucking done.

What made you choke?

Is it just spit from the Rugies in your mouth?

I can't wait.

I can't wait to see you choke.

You're so spiteful.

I hope it's bad.

You're, you're, you know what?

You're spicy today, Tom.

You're zesty, you're spicy.

What's going on with you?

Here we go.

What's going on?

Nothing.

What are you going to make today?

Excuses, but results.

No.

No, right?

Too much momentum.

Yeah, he's not really, there's no control in that.

He's just swinging them around.

It's like, yeah.

Yeah, and I'm a novice weightlifter.

That the form is long and the speed.

You should know better.

Yeah, you don't have to go that fast.

Nope.

Hard pass.

We're not showing you again.

Oh, fuck.

This lady's licking a fly paper strip.

She's eating the flies.

You don't think they taste good good at all?

Maybe they're tasty.

I don't know.

Maybe they're crunchy.

That was tasty.

Too out of the gate, I didn't like.

Loose.

TJ Ness.

I'm on TA.

Buster Cherry, happy birthday.

Great to see you.

60 Norman's triple.

I will say the name, Craven Moorhead.

So Vanda Cox, I see.

Shout out to Mike Hunt.

Happy birthday.

Drew Peacock.

Eaton Beaver.

Eileen, Eulick, I see you.

Jack Mayhoff, happy.

Drew Peaball.

There's our girl.

Make Hockiner.

Mike Hockiner, happy birthday.

Phil McCrevis, 26.

Oliver Klosehoff.

Phil McCracken, happy Dixie Reck, 20.

And Hugh Janus tapping up my leaderboard.

Colonel Angus.

Sleepy John.

Yo, I didn't mean to say that.

Jinlin Talia, happy 1000.

You totally got me with that name.

So fond of Cox.

Happy birthday to you.

That's great.

The best part about this is that it's somebody that

puts that name in their profile and then absolutely has to crush it in class to get called out.

Like you got to be top of the leaderboard.

So you got to be just so getting after it for them to be like, so a huge fan of Cox or whatever.

You can't just name it and get named.

Yeah, that's the best part.

Yeah, this is somebody who's like, I am naming it Michael

and I'm going to fucking crush it in class today so that they call me out.

Can you start doing this?

I don't think I can get it up there.

Seriously?

How many people ride with you at the same time?

Well, I don't always do, I don't do the live.

Maybe it's like people in the live classes are doing it.

But these leaderboards are fucking like some of the things I take will the it'll be 90,000 people.

You know, they're not calling out someone who finishes 47,000.

We need to get the mommies on this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is amazing.

Mommies, you know what to do.

She got it.

Ruby, rubby, rubby.

And left hand, left hand.

Left hand, remove, left hand.

Remove the left hand.

Remove.

Yes, yes, remove.

Remove.

Got it.

Close the mouth.

Yes, perfect.

She got it.

You like it?

Perfect.

You think she choked on saliva?

You think they made fun of her for that?

Do you think they had a little more empathy?

We were all like, oh my god, is he gonna say something?

Spiders, of course.

I mean, it's the inevitable conclusion of what I am doing, but

they're all.

Ah, they're raining down on me now.

Can you see him?

This might be the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

Maybe that's why I put it in there.

So he's in a cave, in one of those tight caves, and it is a spider den.

Yeah.

They're crawling all over.

Oh my god.

There's

that's like a live wall of spiders.

He's like, I gotta get a selfie real quick.

Hold on.

They're crawling all over.

This is a very tight spot, and I just am not sure how well that can be seen.

But

I'm gonna try to

reflect off.

My god, get through here with a certain amount of patience.

limited dignity

The rocks are sharper in this direction, so that means

I'm gonna have a real significant problem.

Yeah

Getting out of here.

Oh just this one exact spot.

I'm gonna set this here.

God damn

I feel safe saying that this is white people shit.

This is what

this is just

that's true.

We've never never seen a black or Latino

cave climber.

What are these cave tunnelers?

It's just always the same type.

Asians, they're not interested.

No, nobody is.

And it's like so true.

To do this, A, is crazy.

And then B, to be like, I got to make sure I have my fucking selfie stick to film this for everybody.

And make sure I bring a light too.

So you have to be like thinking of production as you're doing.

It's just awful.

It's so much.

What do you think?

What do you think?

You want to take that for a ride?

Really turned on, yeah.

Are you?

It's kind of hot.

It's kind of nice time.

You can't picture that licking up your crack.

No.

You wouldn't like to feel that.

Babe, stop.

If he goes all the way up your crack and all the way up the front.

You would not be turned on at all if this guy licked you up.

Babe?

Stop.

I'm going to be sick.

He looks good.

I'd give him an eight.

TikTok eight.

If all the presidents were doing this pose, I'd give him a higher rank.

Higher rankings.

What's up, guys?

Today I'm going to be teaching you how to make some screenshots.

I got to tell you, I really dislike this.

This, I really dislike.

Why?

Because

he's so far gone, and this guy so needs an intervention and the full...

And the house needs to be set on fire.

Whatever he's in, they need to just blow it up.

Scrambled piss eggs tutorial.

Let me guess.

You put your eggs in the pot and then you pour some piss in it.

Well, let's see.

Watch the video.

Fucking eggs.

You don't even know what to do.

I got two

eggs right here.

Yeah, I see that.

I got my piss right here, and I'm going to be showing you the darkest piss in America.

Receipt or recipe.

All right, not too much.

Once it's hot and steamy, you're going to want to scramble scramble it up.

Scramble it up.

The product is supposed to look like.

Oh, my God.

Look at how good that looks.

Did you like it?

Yeah, that was cool.

Yeah.

This is for you, babe.

Thanks.

I'm just glad that I managed to upset you the way you upset me at the beginning of the show.

How did I upset you at the beginning?

Remember that guy?

It was sexual and ew.

Yeah, he wanted to lick my tits and now you.

Ah!

Stop.

So I got served today at the pharmacy and I'm not saying men can't look like this because please go off kings.

But like, I'm not doing damage to masculinity.

I think y'all are when you serve me, when you call me a man, right?

Like, I'm not a man.

Don't consider me for the pool of men.

And maybe the people who are like, oh, masculinity is in decline, well, stop thinking I'm doing anything with it.

I'm not part of that equation.

Count me out.

I think you need to put more stuff on your walls.

It's so barren.

It is so bare.

It's so bare.

You know, it reminds me of like an apartment when you're 22.

Yeah.

You don't know how to hang some things up on the wall.

Yeah, if you're going to be a lady, decorate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The fucking audacity of whoever called this person sir it's like fucking what is wrong with you i know show a little fucking consideration it's so insensitive i mean yes he's got a full beard but

sorry they have a full beard but that doesn't mean that you're necessarily a sir anymore no

fucking hey man i know it's so rude just i agree though he could say sorry they could use a poster or

like a painting of something

yeah

yeah you got it you gotta hang some shit up.

Okay.

Maybe that's why it's.

Don't look away.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Sorry.

We looked away.

How did he know?

You know.

He knew.

It was the moment I looked away.

He's like, you fucker.

Don't say.

That's so weird.

Really interesting collection from you today.

If I had seen this collection brought to me and someone said, who curated this, I wouldn't have thought this was you.

Really?

It didn't really feel like Christina vibes.

But then again, we're just kind of getting back into things.

We are, Tom.

I'm a whole new person.

I'm just regrouping here.

And this episode overall felt kind of dark and horny, didn't it?

It felt very horny.

There's a lot of sexual undertones.

More than, but like sometimes horny feels good.

Didn't feel so good.

It didn't feel good for me either.

It was awful horny.

Yeah, it was bad.

It was sad, horny.

It was depressing.

It was kind of like jail horny, you know, or like psych ward horny.

Not the kind of horny where like, ooh,

I'm turned on.

This wasn't like that.

Yeah.

Real, real bad, real sad.

Thank you.

I would kind of credit you for that.

So thank you very much.

Hey, you know, sometimes the algorithm speaks to me.

I can't.

I think, being that it's December, we need to go out on something a little more joyful.

Yeah.

A little bit more.

Good idea.

Okay.

Hey, guys, you want to make me green?

That's right, guys.

You want me green like a monster, man?

Also horny.

Yeah, you can.

Die in my body.

Say, yeah.

Make me clean, baby.

And make me sheen green and have your nasty way.

Make that strike, man.

917-353-2913.

There you go.

6463738523

or 6463968 or 92970698.

Four numbers.

That's right.

Make me clean, baby, man.

Damn, make a monster, man.

You want to make a monster, man.

You want a monster, daddy, man.

You want to use this daddy.

You want daddy to be a monster freak.

And make me green from head to toe and say, shut up, baby.

We're going to have a go.

We're going to go, go, go.

That's right.

You're the one or two guys.

You want to get it done.

So come on over, guys.

Let's

play.

Well, you know what?

Reliable, consistent.

I want to say, Robert, you look handsome.

Looks great.

You look good.

I like the Grinch effect.

That was creative.

It's in the holiday spirit.

Definitely.

It's playful.

Yeah.

And I don't know if those are new phone numbers or just he's repeating the usual numbers.

I think there's some of the usual numbers.

Maybe there's an added number because four phone numbers.

It's a lot for people to write down as they're watching this.

Yeah, he runs through them pretty fast.

Yeah.

But goddamn, man.

You look great.

He does.

I hope you have a great holiday,

Robert.

I hope it's really good.

We love you.

We always love you, buddy.

Good to see you're up and doing your thing.

Doing your thing and stuff like that.

And hopefully the numbers,

I hope all four just keep ringing through the month of December.

Great month to visit 2395, apartment 2C, 124th First Avenue, Spanish Harlem in New York.

That's where he is.

It's very public knowledge.

It's actually on Google Maps.

Oh, that's right.

Under Robert Paul Champagne.

You can look it up.

It'll take you right to this man's place.

So that's the amazing part.

That's it.

Fun day, fun show.

It's December.

I hope you are all taking care of yourselves.

Do your holiday shopping.

I hope it's a good idea.

It's my favorite month.

I love December.

December is the best.

It's sad that we're going to have an all-new staff after the new year, but I think that I'm looking forward to meeting them.

And,

you know, this is everyone's last show.

So

say your goodbye.

Happy holidays.

We'll see you soon.

Grab your

But your camel toe I cannot ignore.

So keep them high up tight, you sexy tiger.

I wanna see those

thighs explode.

Now turn around so I can see your entire

parking garage at the end of my road

And forgive me if you see my mouth water

Don't mean to be rude, I just want me to bite

Cause I've been starving myself now I'm kinda

in the mood for some bon bomb chunk tonight.

And if you don't give me my appetizer

with some stinky sauce, I think I'll just die.

Then I'll come back in reincarnation

as your genes when they're high and tight.

You just watched your mom's house.

Did you like it?

Then watch another one.

Watch our clips.

I don't know.

Check it out.

Try it out.

If you didn't like it, look for other stuff.

Maybe in the next video there's people getting hurt the way you like or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff.

I don't know.

Try it out.

Maybe there's always something for everybody.

Just look in these cubes.

Squares, whatever.