Carrot Top Whips Out His Big Black Trunk | Your Mom's House Ep. 827

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Welcome to another episode of Your Mama's Place.

Do you know how many times someone has said that to me?

Same brought me up on stage and they say it wrong.

Yeah, he has

your mom's place.

Your mama's?

Yeah.

Yeah, and then and he has a host of the show, Your Mama.

Yeah.

You're like, cool.

And fans don't like that.

No.

They get really upset.

And I tell MCs, I've told them, if you mess it up, they will come for you.

Don't mess it up, dummy.

Learn how to talk, stupid.

Yeah, you dip dummy.

Yeah.

Big stupid.

We're back.

We're back.

We're back.

We're back.

I've missed it.

Dude, I missed it here so much.

So fun doing this show.

And we were.

out for different reasons.

What were you out for again?

I did a movie.

Oh, right.

And then I had my Invisalign kind of adjusted again.

That was so painful for you.

It sucked.

What did you do?

I had my deep flap.

I've got new

Tetas again.

Okay, let's not make this all about, you know.

Cancer tits?

Jesus Christ.

They're so good, though.

They are good, though.

Unbelievable.

I don't, I mean, I don't understand.

I know.

Like, how they're magicians.

I know.

God bless these doctors, man.

It was a 12-hour surgery.

I was in the ICU for three days, and now I have killer tits, and I have a flat stomach.

It's so cool.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

I don't even think you've really seen them.

I've seen them.

But you haven't, like.

All right.

I'll take them.

I'm still kind of scabby and peekaboo later.

And stuff.

It's great.

It's amazing.

And you've changed.

Your body has changed

so much.

You know, the thing is,

here's the thing that's so crazy.

I've tried so many times times over the years different tactics, you know,

diets and like, yeah, all right, you're doing carnivore, you're going to do the just juice, like all these things to lose weight.

And then I went and did a movie where I was just like on set 12 hours a day, and you're like, yeah, I don't really want to eat because I'm in this scene.

I don't want to burp.

I don't want to feel bloated.

Like, kind of like when you do stand-up, you're like, I'll eat after.

Yeah.

So I did that for a month and a half.

And then I was like, oh, I lost another 15 pounds doing that.

Well, and you were, I think, really happy.

Yeah, it was fun.

It was very fun.

And busy, yeah.

Happy and busy.

And the last thing I was thinking about for what it is is just food.

And so, you know, two weeks in, they're like, hey, we have to punch a hole in your belt.

And then another two weeks went by.

They're like, we have to punch another hole in your belt.

And could you stop, please, so that your clothes fits for the rest of the movie?

And I was like, oh, yeah.

It was crazy.

It was crazy that I didn't try.

And then I got back and I haven't gained a pound yet.

Well, that's the way to do it.

You got to keep on going.

Yeah.

Look, I don't want you to think that I've been idle or just lazy in this last month that I've been home.

That wasn't one of my thoughts.

Okay.

I don't want you guys to think like, oh, Christina has breast cancer and reconstructive surgery and she's just laying home on her laurels.

Like, I want you to know that I've been working hard.

I know.

I know you've been working hard.

Yeah, you've been up to a lot of stuff.

Let's get into it afterwards.

Yeah, I was going to say, I'm just excited to share.

Let's share.

Let's catch up.

I really want to share.

Great to know.

All right, here we go.

Here's your opening clip, everybody.

The best.

When people are really in their mind, they need to get

like when you get stuck and going in circles in your mind, the best way to get out of that is to shove something up your ass.

There's actually a truth to that statement because from here to there is the same

connected tissue.

If you didn't eat food, you didn't shoot your ass, that wouldn't be a holy spot.

Shoes up your ass.

Miss this tune.

Hell yeah.

It's so soulful.

Shit, it's turning on.

So good to be here.

Back in.

How was it for you hosting?

Solo?

Oh my God.

So the pressure was on because I've never operated the board.

I've never pushed the buttons.

Yeah.

The staff here was incredible.

They changed the cool guys to be my gothic heroes.

Yeah.

It was fun, but I have to say, a little lonely.

I need my jeans.

It's two mommies, one jeans.

I know.

I was here with your substitute last week.

Nobody knew.

Everyone thought it was you.

I was like, oh, she just doesn't talk much.

Which is preferable.

Hey,

did you notice something is back in town?

Yeah, and guess what?

It's staying on my side of the goddamn desk.

The people have spoken, Tom.

The fart mic has returned.

Okay, now, also, like I said, I don't want you guys to think I've been lazy since I was gone.

I've done some art.

Also, just a reminder, fuck around and find out is still for sale.

What's it at now?

50 grand?

$50,000.

Yep.

Wow.

And the original is, you know, still there.

Oh, you got to be careful.

The pressure is on.

Oh, here we go.

I made some other artwork while I was recovering.

Okay.

This one's like Cosmic Cat.

I really like that one.

Can you show it?

Yeah, one second.

Okay.

This pastel, it's very, it's very tricky.

This one's, yeah, this one's like cool cosmic cat.

Just kind of a happy guy.

Yeah, that's cool.

This is when I was on Delauded.

The best.

Yeah.

The best.

I got to tell you, if you're out there and you've never fucked around with opiates,

the best.

It's time to start.

I really, and then.

Especially if your life's a little out of order, dive in.

Yeah, this is oxycodone.

This is uh, nice.

This is uh, oh, that's cool.

There's a difference between dilaudid and oxies.

Yes, this is what I call the mu AP.

Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mew AP, yeah.

Disclosure is coming.

Wow, oxies.

Yeah, and then

this is what I'm most excited for, Tom.

Okay, is you are always my muse.

And because of your recent body changes and stuff, I

just wanted to commemorate this time in your life.

The movie, very exciting.

And your physique,

hella exciting.

And

this,

I thought, what a beautiful way.

A tribute to your beautiful body.

If you can see here, your thighs are very muscular.

Your six-pack abs are just showing right through.

Look at that chest.

Your beard is very full.

I gave you some hair because I feel like, you know, artistic license.

Sure.

There's

interesting choices to be made.

Thank you.

I think that's to scale?

Yeah.

Yeah, I try.

I gave you,

yeah, I mean, your belly button's a little high.

I could have done better there.

Yeah.

I gave you some big, beautiful balls.

Look at those things.

You know what's interesting is it's only balls.

What do you mean?

Well, there's a thing that usually sits on top of the balls.

Your pubes.

No, below the pubes.

No, the pubes.

I gave you a voluptuous set of hip pubes.

What would you say is the thing that hangs above the balls, below the pubes?

Do you see it?

Yeah.

No, I gave you a very realistic penis saying with the rest of the body, this is all to scale.

This is exactly what you look like, nude.

Okay, I can tell you're not very excited, but hold on.

It gets better.

So then I thought to myself, I says to myself, self,

this is a guy of action.

He's dynamic.

Yeah.

And here we are.

Wow.

Here's Tom and the bear.

Yeah.

Also, I was thinking in terms of poor Oso's branding.

What a fantastic new shirt, a new hat.

This?

For sure, you're wrestling a powerful bear.

Look at you.

Hold on.

Sure, go ahead.

Really enjoy it.

This one I like to see your body.

It's very flattering, except for.

Look at your shoulder.

I really spent a lot of time on the shoulder there.

Do you see something that's not that flattering?

Yeah,

the calf, I kind of.

No, the calf looks nice.

That was not my best work.

That penis is

perfectly to scale.

Wow.

Some might say perfectly to scale.

It looks like

a pinky toe.

Oh.

Well, you know.

I gave you some really nice balls, and I think that's what's important.

So I think this should become the new YMH official artwork.

I'd like to have this up on the set if we could do this.

I don't know.

You know what, guys?

I'm like, as an artist, I don't want everything to be just for profit.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's very flattering.

Thank you for drawing that.

You're welcome.

Yeah.

I'm excited.

Really special.

You got it.

Thanks.

That's what you see.

Can I say that's actually like, it's actually kind of fucking good.

Like, you're good at drawing.

I'm not even good.

Do you think the penis is flattering?

Well,

I think I would have maybe chose a different

size, perhaps.

What are you talking about?

Look, as an artist, I draw what I see.

Yes, I embellish in certain parts, but I think that this is accurate.

Very cool.

Thank you for that.

You're welcome.

I'm so glad you like it.

I'm so glad to be here.

I'm so glad you like it.

Forever.

And I just want to draw you in different poses, holding cats.

Just like that would be nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you for that.

You're very talented.

Thank you.

Fuck around and find out has signed prints that are going to be on sale.

I'm selling those now.

You can grab those and maybe she will grant this to the store one day.

It's really cool.

Tom and the bear?

We'll see.

I don't know.

If the demand is there, I'll do it.

But

I just don't want to be that kind of an artist.

I do it for the thrill.

Let's talk about

how do you feel about getting out of your own way by putting things in your ass?

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Not inaccurate.

Oh, thanks, my love.

Not so close to the.

Jesus, Tyler.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Draw him next.

You're telling me all that.

I have nudes.

You can just use one of the photos I have.

I don't think they're wrong.

He sends me nudes.

Go ahead.

He does?

Yeah, usually on Mondays, yeah.

Wow.

He's like, new week, new look.

I mean, it's just usually him just nude in a pose.

I love it.

Don't ever stop sending me all this, Tyler.

I want to see his nudes.

No, it's personal.

But maybe if he grants me one to pass.

Do guys send you nudies?

Do men?

Yeah.

No, but men write

vile things to me.

Would you say that your primary sexual demographic is dudes?

Yes.

Who are coming?

Yeah.

I mean, the messages that I get,

like, dudes,

I get the whole thing.

Dudes are so cool.

I get to feel like a woman.

I get things from like, they'll be like, looking good.

Or like, yes, daddy, this is a hot whatever look on you.

Or like, you know,

I can't get enough.

Like, all those, like, kind of like, you know, it's a compliment.

And then the next tier is like, God, I'd love to eat your ass.

And like, you know, can we find the profiles of these gentlemen?

I don't want to get into it.

I'm not, no.

I don't want to highlight them.

But they're like bears, right?

Like, they're.

Sometimes, sometimes it's totally not a bear look.

It's just some dude, and his profile is just like whatever, music and, you know, shit, whatever he's into, like, seemingly, you know, just regular shit.

And then he's just like, God, I'd love if you sat on my face.

Or I just came to this photo and you're like, what the fuck, man?

So wild.

It's wild.

And you're like, oh, this is what chicks go through.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what?

I've been obsessed with Carl Lagerfeld.

I watched this series called Carl Before Lagerfeld.

It was a French show.

Dude, pull up that quote.

That was so funny.

Oh, dude.

The one you sent.

Oh, shit.

I don't have my phone.

I have it.

Dude, he's such a hero.

Pull up an image of Carl Lagerfeld.

Absolutely.

He's so German.

Everything about him, he doesn't give a fuck.

He just says what's in his heart, you know?

Okay, that's Carl Lagerfeld.

For people that don't know, he was a legend in fashion.

He reinvented Chanel.

He did such a good job.

And, you know, he was a staple of fashion for fucking 50 years.

And then take a look.

Look at him.

And then he says,

he sent me this today.

He goes, yes, some people say to me, you're too skinny.

But never a skinny person says that to me.

Only people who could lose a few pounds say that.

Which is just such a great, great quote.

And then the other one is he said, oh, this is so funny.

Sweatpants are a sign of defeat.

You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.

Which is not untrue because during COVID, I think that was the first time I really got into wearing sweatpants.

And that is like

it is on, like some people will be like, whatever.

I love them.

They're comfy.

And you're like, yeah.

It is still, they're like, well, fuck it.

I've given up.

Yeah, it's a little bit of a give up.

There you go.

Sweatpants, and he's German.

Sweatpants are a sign of defeat.

You lost control of your life, So you bought some sweatpants.

He's the best, dude.

I mean, he dressed like that.

That's the guy saying that.

The guy who dressed like that every day.

He's the best.

Yes.

Some people say to me, y'all are too skinny.

But never a skinny person says that to me.

Only people who could lose a few pounds say that.

And I also like that he didn't like fat models.

Yeah.

Because he was like, look, it's about the fantasy, okay?

That's why we hire 15-year-olds.

They are skinny naturally.

And people were like, what?

He's like, he's just saying the truth.

I'm not going to throw my clothes on a pig.

Schweinhund.

What sizes do we have?

Zero, two, four.

Literally, that's fashion, especially aute couture.

But my favorite part about Carl Lagerfeld in this show about his life is that he was a homosexual, but an asexual homosexual, which to me, it's like defeating the purpose of being a gay man.

Like, isn't the raddest part about that?

It's just like fucking all the time, especially a successful

fashion gay man.

I know.

Can you imagine the amount of cock this guy could have had in his life?

Bro,

insane, bro.

Yeah, he could just

all day.

Yeah.

And he just passed that up.

Yeah, suckins is a coxins all day long on cars.

Yeah.

But he wasn't interested in cum, which is so crazy.

So strange.

So not gay.

No, it's such an anomaly.

It's an anomaly.

Asexual here, there's polarity because this tissue is the exact same tissue as this tissue.

There are two ends of the spectrum.

And in between those two, there is an electrical connection.

Yes.

And

when you said that, I was laughing so hard because the first thing that I did when I tried, because I was having issues with my hips and my pelvis.

And I knew it in clinic.

I knew the one thing I need to do is rotate the fascia in there.

I took my wife's,

put it up my ass, and turned it and sat on it and bared down on it and started breathing, and it unraveled the inside of my intestine, my organs, because our emotions, our organs are connected to our emotions.

Our emotions are the emotes.

You know, asshole in a holy hole.

Because the way that we move from

there is a blockages, a blockage.

And so you're right.

Most guys should have something shoved up there.

Yeah, most guys.

And if you're out there and you have hip issues, you know, or something's going on, you're...

Your calves are tight, your calves are tight.

Dude, shove a dildo up your ass, sit on it, move around, and you'll see.

And then eat the banana for potassium.

There you go.

But shove it up your ass first.

Yeah.

That guy's got to stick up his, right?

We say it for a reason.

We say it for a reason.

There needs to be unwinding there.

And there's even this extra taboo, the dark place where our shit is stored.

So when we go up there and we go demon hunting up,

right?

We're inviting that to unwind, to open, to release.

So can I tell you something biological?

Yeah, please.

Sure.

That when you bear down, you always bear down because your digestion always goes in one direction.

You always bear down in one way.

And

the rectum through the large intestine is...

Intestine.

And when you unravel the epithelial tissue at the,

it actually will unravel all the way through up to the throat.

Oh, wow.

And that was one of the, it was literally one of the most,

when I learned about the fascia, I'm like, oh,

took a ball, put it up my

twisted and held it there.

And I thought, well, that did.

That's not a day one move.

You know, I took a ball and I put it in my hand.

Right.

There's precursor objects.

Would you start with a ball?

I don't think anyone should start with a ball.

I would start with a pinky or, you know, the little homie.

Yeah.

The little one in there.

Or even a suppository.

I got used to doing that.

Yeah.

It took once or twice, and now I'm an expert.

That's awesome i know maybe a ball is next for you a ball a ball he put a ball in his ass a ball babe yeah

nothing crazy get like a softball or something

yeah

i would put a football because the shape is

good but the big thing if you're gonna put balls and lampshades and everything in your ass you know tie a string to it the big problem oh my god people lose it in their ass and then it feels great and you're like i wish i could keep it forever but you can't so true so you don't want to have to do an er visit you know So true, like with tampons, there's a reason.

There's a

strength.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's right.

You want to get lost in your cooch, even though it feels so good.

You're like,

I love this whole process.

Yeah.

Do you think he's a doctor?

Like, how did he?

No.

No.

No.

I don't think so.

It's just the internet wisdom.

Yeah.

There's electricity between your asshole and your throat.

You know, he's just kind of talking about what he likes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it's important.

You know, it's important to have these conversations.

It is.

Especially if you have hip issues.

I actually loved ass worship because I'm like, I think a lot of women would do that if they knew more about it.

So can you paint me a picture of what an evening of ass worship has looked like in the past?

Yeah, so I had this one ass worshiper and we have met regularly, but he had bought this new chair.

And so he started.

When I opened the door, he had like this chair.

I'm like, what is that?

You know?

So he was excited to show it to me.

And he was like, look, I could eat your ass with this chair.

So he pulls it out, and it's like two straps that kind of hold my ass cheeks open.

And then like, so now he's just able to lay under my ass.

Like he doesn't have to worry about spraying anything.

I don't have to worry about spraying anything.

And my asshole is just on full display for him to look at it, worship it, kiss it, lick it.

Yeah.

Put a ball in there.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Cool, right?

It sounds like we just need to get a chair.

Make your life easier.

You know, that is a different level to your sex life when you're buying furniture to fuck.

Yeah.

And then the kids are like, What is that, mom?

And you're like, I have tight hips.

I have to sit in this to loosen them.

They're like, oh, okay.

I know.

I, I was friends with a couple.

I worked with a couple one time and they were together for like 20 years, kind of like we are.

Furniture, right?

Yeah.

And he's like, we have a swing.

We have a swing.

And I was like, ugh, like I just,

I don't know.

Oh, there it is.

Is that on Amazon?

It sure is.

Wow, they really do have everything.

Oh, and then you can pull those straps.

Straps look like to pull your head up.

Wow.

So you don't have to, like, you know what I mean?

It supports your head.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

There it is.

The face rider.

Amazon.

That's crazy to me.

They got Amazon's.

Like, what do you want to fucking sit on someone's face?

They got no limits, dude.

Did you get your zero sugar root beer?

Do you want to get this too?

Your Halloween costume.

Jesus Christ.

And your queening chair.

That's amazing.

I had no idea that Amazon was in this sector.

Well, let me tell you, I ordered a scar massager for my breast

and it looked awfully a lot like a dildo.

And I was a little embarrassed.

Yeah.

It's like waterproof and everything.

You know what I don't like about this artwork, though?

This cover?

She looks like she's barely, like, she's like, this is all for him.

Like, she's not enjoying it at all.

Look at the level of disinterest in that look.

She's dead inside.

Yeah.

She's thoroughly.

But she's also doing

ass chair worship photos.

And it is vegan leather, which thank God for that.

That's so nice.

The people that love sex toys are also concerned about shit like that.

I don't know why

that diagram works.

Yeah.

But they're like, I want to see where it's easier to eat my partner's ass.

Hey, is this environmentally friendly?

I don't know why.

Yeah, it is a Venn diagram of the non-binary type communities too, and intentionality and feelings.

And and then animals.

We got to care for the animals.

I love that the last sentence is easy to clean.

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And like, he's handcuffed to it as well.

Yeah.

It's he has no choice but to eat her ass.

Yeah.

He's like, I want to get out of here.

And she's like, sorry.

This is it.

It's definitely the girl's idea.

Yeah.

This is this is developed for and by women, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Chicks just love building torture chairs for dudes.

That's fine.

This is such a chick thing.

Oh, up to 440 pounds.

That's a big bitch.

Oh, shit.

Jesus Christ.

I don't want to eat anyone's ass.

That's 440.

Oh, my God.

Look, we were watching a show yesterday, and one of the lesbians was very overweight.

Okay.

And I was like, can you imagine what the pussy smells like?

I remember.

Yeah.

I'm just thinking as a woman, I can say that, right?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, it's not outer, but yeah.

I would never say who this person was.

It was a big bitch.

But I was like, dude.

Yeah, stinky.

But do you think that's a thing?

Like, maybe that's why some gentlemans like

they like the musk, yeah, of course, yeah, yeah,

440 pounds.

They're like, Are you clean?

Get out of here, yeah, a thousand percent.

I'll tell you who is clean.

Oh, hello,

oh, hello there.

Hi,

English with me, and join me, do you?

Okay,

come on in,

let's have some fun.

I could see you with him.

I like that he's wearing the glasses in the shower.

I didn't even think about that.

Completely fogged up.

He's like, I need them.

Because how is he?

He's

taping himself, videoing himself.

I know his partner is.

I've heard fun a lot.

It's so great.

It's so great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, I wish we were so tired.

I got posted.

He was like, I'm posting this shit.

This is my thirst trap.

Here's the deal.

Here's the deal.

That's tight, dude.

But I will give him a 10 out of 10 for creativity

because you don't see the cool guys come at you from the shower.

It's always just in a chair.

They're so lazy.

They're shirtless.

There's a fan.

I'd like a deep dive on this guy.

He's pretty cool.

Please let me know what's going on in his life.

This is the don't message me if you're black guy.

Josh just wrote.

That's the guy?

That's him?

That's the guy.

That's the guy.

That's unfucking believable.

This guy has, hey, be white only standards.

This guy.

This guy's like, you're not welcome in my shower if you're black.

That's so awesome.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Have you seen those memes where they're reading comments to like Margot Robbie or these highly beautiful women?

Yeah.

And they're like, she really let herself go.

What a pig.

And they always go to the guy's profile and he's a monster.

It's so good.

That is an unbelievable account.

It just, it does a deep, it's such a brilliant thing.

It's a dive on the comments left on essentially just

gorgeous people.

And then they show you who left the comments.

And it's, it's, it's fantastic.

We should find that.

Yeah, let's find it.

I think it's on TikTok.

Because this is the guy who's like, hey.

Yeah.

He's like, hey, bitch, put that sandwich down.

I liked her better when she wasn't so chunky.

And you're like, what?

Who?

Who are you?

Yeah, who are you?

Yeah.

But he is like, hey,

no.

Don't have kids.

No blackies.

Better have a job.

No kids.

Don't be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

These are great.

Let's see.

And then responding.

Boy, did that figure go south.

That's this guy.

Time to hit the gym, girl.

Let's see, John.

There's John.

She's post-party.

Kind of chunky deer.

You better.

That guy.

Better work out.

Just a cute face, shoulders down, nothing.

Yeah, that's good.

She fell flat.

Yeah.

Okay, well.

He's cute.

Makeup is the devil.

Oh.

Okay, Frankie.

Well,

yep.

Wow, her dimensions have surely shifted.

A lot of spray tan.

Yep.

Women age like milk.

Okay.

I mean, she just had a baby and she still looks amazed.

Yeah, that shit's so funny.

It is crazy.

It is crazy.

Yeah.

That's his standards, too.

He is like, I demand these things.

Oh, men's response to tan.

He's so mid.

Yeah, that's what it is.

This is the one I was thinking of.

Yeah.

Go down further.

Let's see who's

Megan Fox.

Let's see.

See what they say about me.

That's a Megan Fox.

Let's go.

But still has hammer thumbs.

That guy.

Yeah.

Still looks like a...

Yeah.

Yep.

I prefer the plastic-free version.

There you go.

Did anybody ask you?

Terrain wreck.

Train wreck.

Okay.

Looking like an alien.

That's not a very big fish.

As long as the domestic goddess Gill still stands.

Oh,

shit.

So, you want her to look like Megan Fox and also be your mommy?

No offense, but there's at least three employees at my local Sprouts market that I would much rather spend time with.

Okay.

Yeah.

You should.

I mean, those are cool.

Tivas.

IDK.

She looks like every girl in the club after 12 on a Friday night.

They all look the same.

Is that a makeup-less clown?

Okay.

I think we got it.

Yeah, it's just ridiculous,

but that's the delusion.

This, this dude, it's like, I deserve,

I deserve the best.

Yeah, God, I wish I had just an ounce of that,

you know,

I fight so hard to have just like an ounce of self-esteem.

This guy is like,

yeah, you know what I mean?

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, damn.

This is kind of fun.

This kind of guy that leaves

chances are you've seen him.

Sympathized with his wheelchair, his drawn hands.

His story ripped at your heart.

Damn, give me money and to dig some eat.

Lexington police say he's taken his act on tour of the city to places like the Lansdowne shops, Hamburg, and the Zandale corridor of Nicholasville Road.

We busted this bogus beggar right outside the police department, just minutes after a press conference about it.

I appreciate you guys busting me.

Yeah, I'm really good at it, really good.

I clearly about a hundred thousand dollars a year doing this.

Yeah, about sixty to a hundred.

My

beat boy, I'm just playing.

I gotta go, y'all.

I gotta make some money.

He was back at it again.

Money, foon, food.

Fuck this.

Pretty cool, right?

He is really, he plays a better tard tard than like Leonardo DiCabrio.

That was pretty good.

That's Gary Thompson.

Really good.

We should get into acting.

Pull up like What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

I mean, that was really convincing.

Leonardo was still too attractive to play.

Yeah.

He was really good looking when he was doing that.

He was like a teen, right?

Yeah.

He was just so handsome.

Yeah, this is the key.

This guy, Gary, has been, he can walk, has been caught using the money he gets for cocaine.

Yeah.

So yeah, that's somebody who

was suspicious of him at one point is watched him and then figured out that he was faking it and then went to news.

How long did he do?

Debs.

Arnie.

Dad's dead.

Arnie.

Oh, look at Johnny Deb.

See, it's like Johnny Deb can't play that either.

Neither could Leonardo.

He's still real good, Johnny Time.

Oh my god, look at him.

Look at the hair.

I know.

Jesus Christ.

This and the Edward Scissor hands time?

Yeah.

I mean, okay, hold on.

Yeah.

And this is Sophie's choice, but Brad Pitt and Fight Club, like prime Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp and What's Eating Gilbert Grape Time?

What are you fucking stupid?

I mean, look at Brad.

Yeah, it's BP all the way, dude.

Yeah?

Yeah.

The pit stop, you're pretty stopping.

Well, look, everyone has their...

so

if you polled people, there would definitely be a lot of people that prefer Johnny, for sure.

That's just the way of the world.

Well, these are two different vibes.

It's a different vibe.

It's a different vibe.

Okay, hold on.

But this is the best BP.

It's the best.

This is the tie of BP.

So Johnny's more of like the sensitive thumb ring

guy.

Yeah, also.

Choke a lot.

BP in Fight Club is a goddamn psychopath.

Yeah, so hot.

It's a cool aesthetic, but he's fucking a lunatic.

Yeah.

They're both worthy aesthetics.

Yeah.

But like, oh, God, it's so tough.

Because Johnny Depp will like read you poetry.

He's definitely going to play some songs, which I know you love.

I hate the acoustic guitar.

He's going to have six bottles of wine.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, I know.

I know, I do.

That's a best part.

And he gets too drunk and then he'll yell at you.

You fucking bitch.

Yeah.

But then, but here's the thing.

He and that Amber Heard, they would fuck and fight.

Yeah.

Fuck and fight.

I mean, that was an electric

that's a good relationship.

Yeah.

That's great.

So if you're into that, then Johnny's your guy.

But he knew.

He knew this pussy's wild.

And he knew it had to be.

Amber.

Yeah.

Amber.

I'm sure it's just bananas.

But yo, was he throwing around like Kate Moss and shit back in the day, you think?

Yeah, he was banging whoever he was.

But was he throwing them?

But was he like doing this Johnny Depp thing where he was drinking a lot and cursing at them and stuff?

Because Kate's cool.

She wasn't.

But also.

Here's the thing, though.

That trial kind of revealed that, like, like, yeah, he likes his wine.

Yeah.

But he wasn't an abusive prick.

She was fucking psychotic.

Of course.

That's what that whole trial revealed.

Yeah, it was kerosene and gasoline.

The two of them were just like

kerosene and fire.

I guess.

Yeah.

Wow.

All right.

I can't believe you chose Brad Pitt to fuck over Johnny Deb.

I'm like, it's like, do I even know you?

Aren't we even married?

Do you?

All right.

Let's take a quick break.

We'll be right back.

And we are back, and we're super excited today.

You can see this gentleman nightly at the Luxor in Vegas.

You go to carrottop.com for tickets.

It's Carrot Top.

All right.

Thank you for having me.

Hell yeah, dude.

Thank you for coming in.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Even your producers.

Thank you.

You're clapping over there.

Hell yeah, man.

Everyone's still.

This is awesome.

This is awesome, dude.

You've been performing for a long time.

Yeah.

And you've been in Vegas for a long time.

Yeah, almost 30 years.

That's insane to me.

You know, I used to have this thing where I would go, like, because when you start working as a comic and you get Vegas offers,

you know, you're making, let's say on the road, you're making $1,200 a week.

They go, hey, we got an offer for you.

You go to Vegas, you're going to make two grand this week.

You're like, what the fuck?

And then they go, and you're going to do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

You're like, two shows a night?

No, literally.

I have the clubs, they do that.

There's like three shows on a night.

And I would get fucking depressed, dude.

Yeah.

Because also you realize.

I get depressed just doing one.

Yeah.

but it's like the atmosphere and you realize like you don't you don't have you can't afford actually anything it's an illusion sure and then you're like oh I just want to be able to pay my bills but I'm spending six days here yeah and then so you're like you're in the you're in the consumer city and it's like don't consume anything yeah it's a it's a kind of a mindset and then you eat your meals in the cafeteria right no it's it's uh i'm see i'm i'm i'm lucky because i have a house there so i don't but for the first couple of months, of course, yeah, the hotel life and you do.

It's very depressing.

Yes.

You got to get out of there.

Yeah, it's like being on a cruise ship

that's locked.

Same people.

You have to get out of there.

So get a house and get out of that norm is nice.

That made it made it easier.

So now

Vegas feels home.

Yeah, it's home.

And you know,

it's the best gig in the world.

I mean, you know, you leave your house, go in.

do the show,

go home.

That's great.

As opposed to getting on a plane and a truck.

But it's still, you know, it's work.

It's six nights a week.

I do do six shows a week, so

it's not an easy,

not a slide through, you know.

No, and how long is your show?

It's about too long.

It's about an hour and a half.

Damn.

An hour and a half.

Yeah.

And you still have like the one thing that, you know, two tours ago, I was doing doubles every night, right?

Yeah.

All over.

So it'd be like, I'd be in a city and do two Tuesday, two Wednesday, two Thursday.

Like, I know.

And then I, you know, I'm 46.

And on this tour I was like, hey man, I can't do it.

I can't do that anymore.

Right, no doubt.

I don't understand how the stamina is.

I like just one anyhow, but just for purple, just not only for me, I just think one show you're putting it all into.

I think

going way back when I was playing clubs, when they had two or three shows,

you're at the crowd, you're there.

The people are already lined up outside for the second one.

It feels like it's not a special.

to me.

I agree.

You know what I mean?

They're in there doing it, and then we're going to do the same thing to another.

I like the one crowd, one thing.

You give it your all,

and then that's it.

One show.

Put everything you got into it.

Now, you started in Florida, you said?

Florida, yeah.

That's where you're from?

Yeah.

Where in Florida?

Well, actually, Rockledge, but it's Coco.

Yeah, Coco Beach.

Oh, Cocoa Beach.

Yeah.

Well, Coco, not Coco Beach.

That's what's funny.

So people always say, I'd say Coco.

Oh, Cocoa Beach.

I'm like, well, there's Cocoa.

Yeah.

Shithole, and then there's Merritt Island, and then there's Cocoa Beach.

So Coco Beach.

They're very different.

Yeah, we don't have running water in Cocoa.

Yeah, you go to Cocoa Beach.

There's a surf shop, and there's things in there.

And is that where you went to high school and all that?

Yeah, Cocoa High School.

Okay, wow.

So I was in Vero Beach, which is not too far.

Yeah, no.

The Dodgers used to spring training.

We used to train there for like 50 years until one of the guys that bought it was like, we're not doing that anymore.

And that depressed the entire team.

But we used to go to Cocoa to watch shuttle launches, right?

Yeah, that's where my dad worked.

My dad worked at the Space Center.

That's right.

So I watched every launch known to mankind.

And what's funny now, because

looking back on it, you're like,

I wanted to ride my bike.

I wanted to go watch Brady Bunch and Partridge Family.

I didn't want to go to a launch.

And so my dad's like, no, we're going to a launch.

You meet all the

shaking hands with John Young and John, you know, Neil Armstrong and shit.

You don't even know it.

Holy shit.

And then as you get older, you realize, oh, I got to meet like real rock stars,

real astronauts, you know, and you're watching a real rocket.

I remember one time we took, I must have been like a sophomore, I think in high school.

We took the bus, like a school bus, from Vero up to Cocoa, and the launch was in the evening.

And so it's dark out.

And then when that thing launched, it stayed daylight from the rocket.

And that's crazy for like

seven minutes.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, and

the thunder of the rocket.

I mean, it's a real deal, right?

It's really.

So now the electric ones,

you know,

launch is going to go.

The old days, oh, man.

It's a guttural thing.

Big sonic boom.

It's awesome.

It's great.

It's awesome, dude.

Was your father like an engineer?

Yeah.

Smart guy.

Very.

I don't know how I was.

I must have been.

I always say in my show, my whole adopted life, I wanted to, because my brother was an Air Force Academy graduate, F-16 pilot.

My dad worked at NASA, and I have walkers with dildos strapped to them.

So, you know, it's, you know, it's,

here's the effort.

We get it.

I'm kind of fascinated by this aspect of it because, like, everybody knows you do props.

Yeah, sure.

It's part of your show.

Like, I met a high-level magician one time, and we were talking, and I was like, look, I'm not asking you, tell me how you do the trick, but like I'm asking you, like, what's the process like of like,

like, how are you going to dive into one of your magic tricks?

You know, we had a conversation about that.

Do you like see things and go, I got to, like, I'll make a joke for this, or does the joke kind of come and then you support it with a prop?

Both.

Both.

Yeah, sometimes I'll see something and I'm just like, there's something fun.

I mean, you know, on the road for years, we're just driving on the road and there'd be a yard sale.

And and of course you know it's it's cracked for me so i'd be like stop we got to go through the yard and i would just roam and i'd see objects like uh

one was a little toilet it was just a mini toilet and it was you know 50 cents whatever i would have paid a hundred bucks for it it was a little toilet so i just had it on the bus for a couple days i'm like there's something funny about a little toilet so then i thought i know what it'll be it'll be a plate for bulimics so i did a i made a plate and then you strap it to the toilet so you could eat and throw up at the same time and it was like my you know know, it was one of my closers, as you say, back in the day.

And I remember doing that on the Tonight Show, and Gary Shanley was the guest, and I was just, I was so nerve-wracked, right?

Because he, he,

sometimes the guests leave, sometimes you see, he said, you know, I want to stay and watch Karen.

I was like, oh, God, I'm, you know, I'm performing in front of my, one of my heroes.

Sure.

And I'm thinking, oh, this is so dumb.

I'm, you know, all this crap I'm doing.

I kept looking over.

He was dying.

So we sat down at the commercial break, and all he said was, plate for Balamex.

And he said, that is genius.

and i just thought oh good he then he just loved it and then he went over and said how did you how do you because a lot of people say where do you where do you find all this shit i'm like no i make it i don't i don't you don't find regis always said that to me yeah for like nine years i would do the plate for bulimix they i would do um Regis at Kilver.

I do great show.

And at the end, he said, this guy, huh?

Where does he find this stuff?

And I said, well, no, I don't, I make it.

Like, Regis thought I just found a plate for Belemix.

Someone had already made that.

And I just, oh, wow, you know, I wish they did it makes my job a lot easier yeah but you have to actually construct this construct it I got into that with Kiltony last night we were doing the show and he you know

he said something because it was it was one that had it was uh you know it took some thought yeah into it um most of them do there's a thought process it's not just a like he said oh you just take a sharpie and put it on a beer so if you like to eat and drink and write I'm like no that's not the that's not a problem it has to be somewhat inventive it does yeah so that's where i got my dad's i think my dad's yeah engineering a little bit of my dad's brain yeah and so how often do you have to like turn over a show like do you

or is it always evolving it's only my judge uh for me my where i what i unless i'm doing like shows where i want to i have to like when i do the tonight shows all the time you have to have a new a new set sure you can't do the same set so i i'm always writing i think that's one of my favorite things about this job is the creative process of writing all the time not only for me but i think for the audience because the audience, you know, we do get turnaround.

We have a lot of, you know, how many people have been to the show?

And, you know, sometimes people have been there 19 times.

Oh, wow.

So you're like, oh, yeah,

I got to get another plate for Blame McCoke.

Yeah.

A new one.

A new one.

So

it's always good for me and my crew and for the audience because they know it.

They're savvy.

I mean, the crowds know, like, that's a new one.

That's great.

Yeah, that's fucking rapid.

And topical.

If it's something very topical, people, like last night we went and talked like, now that's topical.

So I said, I get credit, I get bonus points.

I mean, it's in the news.

you know?

Yeah, yeah, it's incredible.

I just, I, the stamina to do what you do, the nightly shows.

So, wait, when you're in Vegas, is it seven nights?

Six, six.

You do six.

Six.

What's day take off?

Sunday.

Sunday.

Sunday.

The Lord's Day.

Yes.

And then you do your worship.

Like,

what is it?

What's the chicken place that closed in Sunday?

Chick-fil-A.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're like Chick-fil-A.

We close in Sundays.

Yeah.

Wow.

And you do have a lot of energy, too.

Like, you're a high-energy guy.

Yeah.

Like, right now, I'm pretty much.

I we flew all the way we've been flying but uh no it's um

yeah you find the you find the energy you know that right yeah you find the energy in stage it's a different uh different when you get into the zone you know how many times we've met with work with comics that uh older i mean literally george burns i was blessed to i was on a comic relief and they wheeled george burns right next to him i'm standing there i was going to go on after him and he was just sitting there in the chair and he was just i it was just like, oh my god, first I'm just like, oh my gosh, George Burns.

Yeah, and then they handed him his cigar and they said, ladies and gentlemen, George Burns.

And they got him and he almost ran out there and just killed.

And then he came up, sat in the chair.

And again, I say he used all that energy to get to that set.

But I'm not quite there yet.

I'm just sitting in my chair and they go, Scott.

And what's that?

We got to go.

But you're also

where's my cigar?

That's from carrying all my hate mail.

You got to carry all this shit around the country all these years.

But that's true.

What prompted your fitness?

I always worked out when I was

my junior high.

I got into wrestling.

So I always worked out when I was 13, 14, 15, all the way through high school.

I was on the swim team.

I didn't know that.

So that's a little, I think that was

more.

That's not me now.

But

I got pretty jacked.

And what's weird is when you're a comic, you're not allowed to be in shape.

No.

Now you're in shape.

You're like, what's wrong with you?

Well, it's like this, though.

It's like, it's like, if you went on stage and like took your shirt off.

But I would never do it.

No, I know you wouldn't.

But what I'm saying is people would look at this and go, all right.

Like the men are feeling like threatened.

Right.

The women are like, wow.

And then you're like, no one's listening to you.

They're just distracted.

And some men are going, yeah.

Some guys are going like, I like this too.

We were talking about that with Tom.

Do you have a lot of dudes that like you?

Tom gets a lot of dude.

Oh, yeah.

We get a lot of stuff.

Yeah.

I always find that funny because people are like, man,

Gabor and some guy hit on me.

I'm like, be thrilled.

You should be excited that someone, anyone hits on you.

You should be happy.

Right?

Man, woman, animal, anyone that likes you, you should be very happy.

Yeah.

I mean, it's super flattering.

Very flattering.

Yeah.

Do you have a relationship?

Are you able to.

Touches all my props

with my people.

No, I don't.

I'm not in anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's got to be hard, I imagine, because you're performing six nights.

Is it hard or in Vegas?

It's the best.

You shut your mouth.

No, it's the best.

Yeah, no.

I chose, I mean, I could probably have relationships,

but you're right.

But I know.

I mean, I've had them in the past, and I just,

I find, I find life more fun.

I'm on the go and everywhere.

Even having a dog, I had a dog forever, and it was just the hardest thing, traveling and worrying about anybody.

Do you still travel a lot, though?

Not as much.

We do some road shows, but the Vegas show consumes a lot at 240 shows a year.

Jesus

Christ.

My manager has a car payment, you know, someone has to do something.

I was going to say, you're stacking checks, bro.

You got no ex-wives, no ex-wives.

You're just sitting on a mountain of money in Vegas.

Well, trying to trade in Trinity.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I live in Florida and Vegas.

So look at that.

So people always say, hey, you're pretty smart.

You pick the two tech.

I said, well, no, I was born in one and I work in the other one.

So I kind of didn't plan it, but it's not an accident yeah sure yeah well do you have fun with your money

i don't buy anything i'm more of this weird but i'm not like jaylen or why i don't you know

i feel money i i just do i hate when he does that

i know

it is what it's been you know it's the money isn't it yeah

i i have i have like you know one car yeah and in fact i tried getting on jalen because i've been the tonight show thousands of times and he had the car show i said to him one night i said hey put me on your you know i was on your tonight show 35 put me on the car show.

And he's like, oh, you know, McCarthy?

I said, no, I know nothing about cars, but it'd still be fun to be on.

He's like, well, no, you got to know about cars.

I said, no, the funny thing is I don't know shit about cars.

That's what makes me funny.

You bring me on and you're like, you know, McCarnar anything?

And you just, you talk about the cars.

Yeah.

And I learned, like, where's the carburetor at?

Yeah.

You know, I don't need to know.

But he's a, he's a, he's a crazy.

He was one, you know, Lenno was really the

like Regis and Leno's and all those guys when I first started, they were so good to me.

Yeah.

Every time I had a new set, they would say, you know, come on.

And Jay would get so much slack.

He'd tell me.

He's like, I go through airports and be like, how can you keep fucking Caratop?

He's like, no, it brings the guns.

He brings the sound.

That's the thing.

Really?

Then people were giving him shit?

Yeah, because other comics.

Like, you know, why do you have Carrotop on every other week?

He's like, well, because you don't.

I don't

know.

And then I say, I'm sorry, Jay.

I'm how you do you.

No, no, you fuck them.

You know,

he's great.

I love Jay.

I just like seeing Jay when he says, fuck, because you don't see him on my kids.

He's so silly.

And he's backstage.

He's like, hey, fucking Athlete.

But you did come up at a time where you had to be squeaky clean because if you wanted to have a career,

I did state fairs.

Yeah.

I mean, college is weird because I would do a college

on a whatever night, Thursday night, University of Florida.

And then on the weekend, I would do a state fair in like Iowa.

And it was, you could say anything you wanted to college, some colleges.

And then you had a state fair where it's G.

And then the next night was a theater where I could do whatever I wanted.

So it was very

good.

Yeah, I mean, it was so, it was challenging, which was good, but it would be really hard.

Yeah.

You know, and the next night your back would G rated, hey, you know, hang on, if you know, yeah.

And then the college likes, who's fucking out there?

You know, bongs with mirrors on them and, you know, shit that people wanted to see.

But see, that I don't imagine you, because I grew up watching the clean version on television.

Yeah, sure.

So the fact that you're even saying, like, you said I have a walker with dildos, like, you just blew my mind.

Yeah, a lot of people, they do think that.

It's like the Bob Sagett kind of thing.

Yeah.

Because everyone, of course, Bob Sagett was, you know, Full House and just the cleanest guy.

And they go to the clubs.

He's just raunching.

And people were like, this is not, where's the guy from Full House?

I opened it for him one time.

We did a weekend at the improv.

I think we were in Brea.

And yeah, like we met.

And I still remember that I was like, oh, how should I bring you up?

Like, what should I?

You know, so I was in the habit of being like, what are the credits?

He's like, they know why they're here.

I Okay,

which I kind of liked.

I respected it, honestly, that he was

a Bob Sega.

You don't have to tell him the credits.

I was like, Okay,

and then I brought him up, and then he was like, God, I bet your pussy smells amazing.

And I was like, Whoa,

then it was just like, Yeah.

Some people are shocked because they hadn't seen the shows at the state fairs, and they come to me and they're like, Oh, okay.

Oh, Jesus.

And I will say, it's Vegas, you know, it's not your grandpa's character.

Yeah, where do you prefer to work?

What's your well, I mean, I like to have the freedom of doing all of it, you know last night at the kilton it was it's such a raw it's it's it it's just old school for me it reminds me of the old clubs when you're smoke-filled people sitting at tables drinking and rowdy and just everything works yeah you know every joke it will work great crowds i i like those i mean i i don't you know my least favorite would be corporate gigs unless you're watching i love being booked

i love being booked for corporate gigs dude i did a corporate this year and i still remember getting the call and being like I don't know, man.

And then I was like, yeah, okay, I'll do it.

And then being there backstage with my friend and being like, we're about to eat shit, dude.

We're about to eat shit here.

And we did, dude.

We totally fucking ate that.

That's the worst feeling.

I think I might have said something similar when I was up there.

I said, you guys are eating, and now I'm eating shit.

Tell them that, you know, and they're like,

they're just horrible.

I had one for Starbucks.

That was incredible.

It was at Bally's in Vegas.

And

I almost like you're making it up, but the crowd was wired.

I mean, like, they had all had fucking Starbucks coffees, right?

Yeah.

And you walk out, and it was just, oh, and it was like a college, you just

rock star show.

That's dreams.

Then you do one where it's just, I don't know, if I'm not going to a company, a tech company, and literally crickets.

I mean, I think I even made a joke, a prop, what had crickets on it, just because if I do a corporate gig, it's like, this is what is happening right now.

Just horrible.

I did a lift your wounds and you go back to Vegas.

I am a comic.

You actually go, you leave those, and you're like, I got to get on another stage.

Right now, so right away, you got, or, or, or, yeah, just quit.

We had to step off a bridge.

This was a private, you know, corporate event, and it was in Arizona at a really nice, like, resort.

And right before, they're like, I'm like, what am I going up?

They're like, you're going to be up in a minute.

And

they go, hold on a second.

And then this woman goes on stage and she's like, there are children that are dying, and we're going to do an auction real quick for like fundraising for the kids in like El Salvador.

And I was like, oh boy.

And then they transitioned from, and by the way, no one was bidding.

So they were like 3,000.

No one's bidding.

2,000, like lowering the price for the kids.

And then

they transitioned on the screen.

Welcome Comedy Superstar.

I was like,

and I walked out and nobody clapped, dude.

No, everyone was like, what the fuck is this?

We share something very similar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know a lot of comics have had that happen.

with the Jerry Lewis telethon.

It made me think of this exact.

This is true.

God strike me dead.

So I'm on,

Ed McMahon is going to bring me out.

And

Jerry goes out like a breaking news.

He walked by.

I'll be right back.

Stay ready, kid.

He went out.

He wasn't supposed to.

Ed was going to bring me out.

And he said, this just in.

And he said,

One of our children has just passed away.

I mean, like right now, right?

Like right now.

He's holding the note.

He's, you know, he's shaking it, reading it.

He's like, you know, Timothy, so and so.

And they show, they pull the picture of him up.

And he's, everyone's crying.

Everyone, I'm crying.

Ed McMahon is, we're all fucking dying.

And all I did was look over at Ed.

I said, he's not bringing me up, is he?

And he said, he might.

And I said, well, he wouldn't do that.

He says, he might.

And sure shit, he's just down.

He goes, well, if anybody can make everybody feel better now,

is this guy, Karen?

I swear to God.

You know, same thing, comic, and Keratop.

And I'm like, are you, you have no time to think?

So you go out and you, you hug him, you wipe your tears down.

Everybody, I go, hi, and like five jokes in, still nothing.

The band, I finally got the band.

I said, you know, when the band, when I got the band, then they all started to loosen up.

But the whole set was just

disastrous.

And I came up, and Jerry said, I did that because you're a pro.

You're the only one that could do it.

I said, well, don't ever fucking do that to me.

Yeah, that was horrible, dude.

I think it was Sickler, our friend Ryan Sickler, who did,

he got booked to do the Christmas party for the robbery, homicide division of LAPD.

And he said that they were like, all right, we're going to have some laughs.

But first, first,

let's take a moment

to our fallen brothers from this.

And they talked about officers that had died during the year.

And they're like,

all right, let's laugh it up now.

So that everybody had a moment.

Forgot all those dead people.

All right.

Yeah.

That ever happened.

You got me thinking nesting in my brain.

So think of LAPD.

Yeah.

This is crazy, Jerry Lewis again.

This is when it was in LA.

I had gone up.

This is a little more fun, but it was still weird.

I had had all these OJ jokes, right?

Because OJ does.

This is a good time for comedy.

Right?

I had a belt that had bloody gloves from a velcro to the belt so you could

toss them on the, you know, because they were planting, because they were planting gloves.

I literally am standing there with the props

opening.

It was an open out.

I said, hey, look,

belt for LAPD so they can plant gloves.

There's 35, 40 LAPD officers all backstage, just all, they're all like, dude, big fan, man, big fans.

And I'm like, right on, kill it, have fun.

I said, right on.

And I look back and I go out and I open with that joke.

And I'm thinking,

they're going to be dying.

Oh, no.

No, they were losing it.

I thought they were going to be mad.

I got done.

I did like three or four football with a knife on it.

All these stupid OG jokes.

And I came back and they were like, that was great.

I said, you can get fired if you were laughing at these jokes.

but awkward awkward moments when you um you don't know what to do of course one time i was headlining a bar by the airport and a samoan woman got punched out and bled all over the floor and the ambulance came and took her away and they're like well let's start the show

That's just what the fuck.

That's so weird.

It's like Pittsburgh.

We had done a show in Pittsburgh and me and my crew went out to get a drink at this really, really just seedy bar in Pittsburgh, right downtown.

It's snowing out.

We go in, a fight breaks out.

It's only me,

two of my buddies on the crew and these two guys.

And these two guys are, I could hear them starting to, you know, the sound of a fight.

You hear that shit, just that weird noise.

You're like, holy fuck.

And I turn around, this guy is beating literally the shit out of him.

I mean, to the point where he's dead.

The bartender knows him both, you know, Frank, Frank, Bill.

And he's looking over the bar.

He's stopped, stop, stop.

And the guy wouldn't stop, so he jumps over the bar, pulls him off.

The guy is literally looks dead.

He goes, ah, fuck.

Call a cab.

A cab?

A cab?

A cab.

Yeah.

I mean, you think of that guy.

The guy's dead.

And again, they call a cab.

My buddy, like, call a fucking ambulance.

The guy, a cab?

That's pets calling.

Holy shit.

Or just even in the summertime when people pass out in clubs during your shows, you know, like the heat, they've been drinking.

Oh, you get that in Vegas all the time.

Do you ever wonder where inspiration comes from?

All the time.

This is all the time.

Where did you get your ideas from?

From working in a mortuary when you were 15?

Adolf Hitler.

What do you mean by that, I'll say?

Adolf Hitler had

a charisma in a bad way.

And I

kind of admired him.

He was a freak.

He was a lunatic.

But he had so much value.

Babe, is this in the folder of guys who love Hitler?

We should start a whole new site.

That was so grievous.

We've had so many people that admire Hitler.

Like, there should be a folder now of dudes who love it because people reference him constantly.

Yeah, I don't, I never have.

No, I have to do it.

Never done.

Never done.

How'd you get your start?

Well,

what made you get into comedy?

It means something different to guys like Hitler.

Why do I have Hitler's picture

behind my desk?

Because he's arguably the best salesman that ever lived.

How do you get 60, 70, 80 million people to genocide 10 million people?

Either those 10 million people had to do something terrible, which wasn't the case,

or you got to be a slick motherfucker.

I mean, and he was.

Okay.

And that's why I have his photo behind.

That's why I have his photo behind my desk.

Like, get the fuck.

Yeah.

You know, I did a Gene Simmons show one time.

He reminds me of everything kind of chounded with the game.

We're doing something.

Yeah, friend of the show.

I invented the.

I can't do a good Gene Simmons, but he says,

he says,

we were filming at his house for a show.

And

I was walking around, and

I'm messing with him because

he's so easy to.

So I said,

the cameras are with me.

He says, we have anything KISS related, we have.

And I said, yeah, well, I see that.

He goes, no, name anything.

And we have it.

So I said, all right, KISSCON.

Yeah, of course we have KISSCOM.

You have a KISS casket.

So I said, I ran out of things to ask.

I knew he he has a, you know, problem blow-up doll, kiss, blow-up doll, everything.

So finally, the camera's there.

He says, I said, now I want to be deadly honest with you, and I

hope I don't offend you

because you're probably not going to find this very nice, but

I've never heard of your band, but apparently you are very successful.

And he's like,

never heard of KISS.

And I said, no, see, that's what I'm saying.

I'm not trying to, like, I'm not saying in a mean way.

I just, you have, you must have done well.

I just, I don't know, I don't know the band.

I've seen this logo and things.

I didn't know it was a band.

And he's just looking at me like, you don't know who fucking kids.

I said, no, I know.

I said, I know, I know Hansen.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

And he was like, Hansen.

I swear to God.

He's like, Hansen?

And I said, yeah, you know, Bob.

I said, I know that guy, those guys, they're really good.

He just looked at me and the camera guys are shaking because they know I'm fucking with him.

Finally, he's like, you're kidding with me, right?

I said, yeah, I'm completely kidding.

Of course I know who kiss.

I go to the restroom and he says,

you go in the restroom, and I go in there, and there's a Beatles, a signed Beatles album on the ground.

On the ground?

By the commode.

Oh, shit.

So I'm like, what the fuck's that?

So I go out and I said, hey, I got a question.

Now that I know who Kiss is, why do you have a signed Beatles album?

He goes, oh, that's very observational of you.

I said, well, why?

He says, because I don't respect them.

They didn't own the rights to their music.

So

they are nothing.

And then I'm like, what?

But he was serious because he has a marketing thing.

And then I just saw him on a podcast maybe a week ago and he says, the best band in the world were the Beatles.

And I'm like, what the fuck?

Seriously, I don't know if he changed his mind.

I said,

can I take it?

Because I'll take the Sign Beatles album.

Gene is a great capitalist.

Oh, we are.

Look at that.

Yeah.

He respects money making.

Oh, absolutely.

He was a great guest.

He was awesome.

Oh, great.

He was awesome.

He was wonderful, wonderful.

He's so funny.

So tell me, as far as

what's in the case today?

I don't even know.

You don't even know?

No, I know some things.

I was doing the Tony show, of course.

He was like, please, please, please bring your little babies.

So

I brought a few.

This one is brand new.

I mean,

the last night I tried it, it worked, but I had never done it.

And whenever I used to do a show, especially the tonight show, it was my thing is to always make one

backstage that's never been tested.

Backstage?

Oh yeah, before the show.

Before rehearsal, I wouldn't even rehearse it.

Oh my god.

And I would go back in the green room and I'd build it.

And sometimes the Jay would come in and say,

I said, I'm just making.

Oh, you're fixing it?

I said, no, I'm making it.

I've never.

And he's like, you've never done it?

I said, yeah.

Like, every comic

practices their shit, but I don't.

In fact, that was my thing.

It gave me adrenaline.

Sure.

So the rush.

But I did it last night.

It did good.

So the joke, first of all,

guys, a lot of guys, when they get drunk, they punch a wall, right?

And that's what happened.

I heard a friend of mine backstage, what happened to your hand?

He's

what'd you do it?

He's always gotten something wrong with him.

What would you do to your hand?

He said, I get mad and I punch the fucking wall.

I said, you punched the wall?

Jesus Christ.

He goes, yeah, I fucking, I broke, I broke his hand when he hit the wall.

I said, well, you shouldn't.

So I thought, it's got to be a joke.

So I said, they should have a beer.

A beer with a stud finder on it so you can find out

where to punch.

That's very funny.

Yeah, and then Tony's like, I mean, it was great.

And then later on, he's like, so is that how you do it?

You just take something and tape to it?

I said, no,

I had to find an actual fucking buzzer bell.

This part's completely different than the, see the buzz.

Oh, yeah.

This didn't have a bink, a thing on it.

Yeah.

And this had to be wired into this.

And

this is the NASA shit.

This is NASA shit, right?

This is what I want to ask you, though.

So you go to the airport security, though.

What the fuck is this?

What is this?

Yeah.

So this, you.

oh it's carrot top it's okay no it's a bomb no it's carrot top it's fine you came up with this it works will you like and like because it's new new stuff's always fun right so like will it be you'll be like i'll do this now for a few weeks and then decide whether i want to keep it or and it'll always just kind of be around oh if well since it's working and it's it'll be around for a bit yeah obviously get to build it i used to do on the when i did the road shows i would have it called carrot classics is exactly what it says in the lid there it would be all my uh

you know classics.

I've been doing it 40 years.

So people that would have seen me in the late 80s, you know, I'd say, hey, here's some stuff, you know, that might, it's still relevant.

And then people that are 15-year-olds would be like, well, that's cool.

It's just, you know, so that would be, or I do a new trunk.

I have to say, this is all brand new.

All brand new.

And it's kind of fun because

it really is new and the crowd will tell you if it sucks or not pretty much.

Dude, how important is

getting luggage to places for you?

It's got to be

supreme.

Yeah.

And I've lost it before.

Of course.

I was, and this is great.

I'm on an airplane leaving Charlotte, North Carolina.

It's like 6, 5.30 in the morning.

I was going to do Regis, and it's live, you know, live with Regis, which I always thought was funny.

Like, is that show live?

It's fucking called live.

Yeah.

So I go and I said to them, like, please don't keep an eye on my luggage.

It's like my, my, my whole thing.

Yeah.

Oh, we got it.

I said, it's a, it's a trunk with flowers on it.

You cannot miss it.

Please make sure.

And I'm all dead honest.

I get on the plane and I'm still nervous.

I got my little notebook and I'm just looking out.

It's like raining.

I just kind of look out the window.

It's not even sunlight yet.

And I see my trunk going on the belly of the plane next to our plane.

And if I had to look, I just looked over and I was like, what the...

And they're closing the door.

I'm like,

wait.

And she's like, sir.

I said, wait, wait.

I said,

my bag is going on the other plane.

Oh, my God.

And she's like, well,

all bags look alike.

Are you sure it's yours?

I said,

it's either my trunk or Donnie Marie's fucking, you know, it's 60s flower.

It's my trunk.

And so the pilot was nice enough to stop and they knew I was doing the show and they stopped.

They got it back on and people were on the plane.

They're all busy.

Sorry, waiting on carrotops flower luggage.

Sorry, everybody.

Have you caught that, though?

I caught it.

Have you ever not had your bag of stuff?

No, I think, well, we had like a blizzard snow things one time where we got close, I think.

But no, we've always, I think we always made it.

yeah because we would use back in the day you know I would I would fly now we we we we drive with it or ship it if we do road shows it's on the bus or on the but you know a truck oh yeah so we have it all have you ever sold these gadgets like do you ever no but I've had some that I've had been ripped off and you know stolen from me

And my friends are always like, didn't you do that?

I'm like, yeah, like in 87, I did this prop.

And then, you know, some other company, no, not a comic, usually, it's a company.

You know, at the Home Depot, you can get

one in particular, I brought it because it was so,

I was so proud of it.

And it wasn't a funny, the crowd would laugh, but it was more like, you know, the crowd would get in this reaction, like,

and said, I said, right?

But it was funny.

I'll show you.

So, and it's so elementary.

It's like when I got my dad's brain

toilet paper, right?

A dispenser.

Yeah.

It's so, it's so, you'll be like, this is so weird.

So a lot of people like toilet paper under the roll.

Oh, right.

That's a big debate.

And some people like it over the roll.

Yeah.

Right.

And that's great.

You start that with the crowd.

How many people like it over the roll?

Half the crowd.

How many people under the roll?

Ah, exactly.

So that's why I said, I made this toilet paper dispenser.

So if you want it under, it goes under, right?

And if you want it over, you just flip it and it goes over.

And the crowd would go, and I go, right?

And they would go, dude.

And I'm like, yeah.

And it was just, it was, but then you see a thing, I forget, one of my friends said, it was a commercial.

The guy's like, that's why I invented the toilet paper flipper.

I said he even called it it a toilet paper flipper that's son of a bat

you should have fucking sued that guy that's such a good idea yeah no it is i know there's been there's been a lot of them i had a baseball bat during wherever the strike was the baseball strike 94 maybe uh-huh where the baseball players were all on strike and nobody was getting hits it was horrible so i made a bat when you'd swing it it was a little piece of wood that had a hinge and it would go It would make a pop and it was so elementary, right?

Yeah, so this is a bat, so you feel like you're getting hit.

Or sound like you're at least sounds like this getting hits.

And Whammo has a bat now where you swing it, and it goes, you know, wow, fuckers.

I might sue Wammo.

Toilet paper guy might not have, but the Wammo guys.

They got something.

They got something for you.

Yeah.

I feel the statue of limitation.

I mean, I did it in the 80s, though, right?

I feel like you could single-handedly have like a Spencer's.

Remember that store, Spencer's?

Dude, you could open the Carrot Top store in Vegas, like at the fucking Luxor, bro, and just sell all this shit.

That's not a bad idea.

That's actually a very

short time.

Thank you.

Blondie, every now and then.

Every now and then, she comes up with something.

I like that.

Yeah, you could sell all this shit.

You could, there's a lot of

the stud finder, right?

Just for just a half.

Yeah, it's so funny.

It's so safe.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

This is for,

oh, Annie, here you go.

I just got done vending over seven twinks in Brooklyn.

Now, my go-to strat is when they see the bolts, they're just just gonna come up to you and ask you for it.

These guys, you don't need to hold back because they are experienced bottoms.

It's an amazing time.

Definitely be on prep, though.

What the

what was that?

I don't know.

What do you think?

What does that even mean?

I just got finished banging seven twinks, and they see the bulge, and now I'm going to get on prep, but but make sure you're, yeah, you're prepped.

Make sure you're clean and ready to go.

Or is he meaning prep the b-hole?

Make sure your b-holes are ready for me.

What do you think, Annie?

I think Keratop summed it up.

What the fuck?

Yeah, that made it.

Where did that come from?

Did that just come from a live thing?

No, it's the HIV prep.

That's what I said, prep.

Oh, sorry.

So it's probably the prep.

And now I'm definitely going to get on prep.

Well, you better be now if you just bang seven twinks.

I thought it just meant seven.

Seven is a lot.

Man, seven is.

I never even ate seven twinkies before, right?

That's insane.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your refractory period.

I mean, what's going on with Lynn is nine young.

He's like 20, so he's ready to go.

Damn.

Go on

there you go

you know what's crazy i would not have guessed any of those guys would gay shakes his head

dude imagine imagine sharing that house for like a month

that's like backstage at my my show isn't it that's right for the show my crew comes down you kiss them all

how big of a crew do you if you do go to do a road show how big is that

We got, well, like six or so.

We got

video, sound,

prop, me, stage, dance.

Absolutely.

And is that like pretty much what's a Vegas crew too, or is it much bigger?

We have my normal crew plus the union crew.

Oh, right.

So we got about 12, something like that

working.

Yeah, that's great.

But there's a lot.

There is.

There's more production to the show.

I mean, like, there's lights, there's strobe lights and fog machines and video wall.

And so it's an interactive kind of yeah thing that's what's kind of hard when I go on the road too if it's you know a comic shows up there's a mic there ready in a stool and I'm like shit I gotta bring a semi full of shit you know yeah you know so yeah that's a lot that's a lot that is a lot

I respect you so much though it's such like a

like you go for it and I think there was a time in comedy where it was like oh whatever I don't care I don't I'm trying it's like well then why are you doing this you should try you should try to be funny that's yeah I think that's part of the yeah try I mean at at least try.

Write a punchline.

We had some, I know.

There was a couple of guys last night, you know, that show that

it was kind of shocking because

the ones that really were funny, how long you been doing it?

They said, you know, a year.

And the ones that weren't funny, I said, how long have you been doing it?

They're like, you know, seven years.

I'm like, seven years.

Fuck.

You know, I think maybe you should stop.

But

you don't tell them that.

You don't tell them that.

I mean, you know, if you're seven years in and that's it, dude, you you know.

I did it one time.

I did the show one time where the guy came out and was like, you know, there's a certain type of stage presence that somebody has automatically.

Right.

And I was like, oh, this guy's got stage presence.

And then his set went sideways.

And we're like, how long have you been doing it?

He was like, 15 years.

We were like, you know, you've been doing this 15 years?

He's like, yeah.

Bro,

you got to focus.

You got to maybe just stop.

Yeah, stop.

So depressing.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

15 years.

Yeah.

And yeah, right away, if they have the presence, and sometimes like the interviews went better than their set.

Yeah,

they interview,

they're really quick and savvy.

That's good, too, right?

Yeah, yeah, if their set's good and then their interview's not that good, it breaks up.

But if they're both right, sometimes the kid last night was really good.

What do you do for fun?

I feel like, yeah, like, what's your hobby?

I fly to Austin and do Joe Rogan and you and Kiltoni.

Well, what do you do during the day?

All day.

What are you doing?

I'm very boring.

i get up and i water my flat little courtyard and i water and blow all the leaves and water that get everything all pretty plant stuff i'm a gardener i'm into hydroponic gardening i'm not interested in that i just do some i don't do too much and then i'll go to lunch and that's usually when i kind of think of stuff i don't i don't write i never sit down i never bring a writing book ever just kind of your mind just goes yeah and if it's really good i'll night on a napkin or something somewhere but i don't i don't i never i never write uh ever and that is that pretty much daily where you're trying to like?

I don't force myself to.

No, absolutely not.

That's why I think it helps to.

I have friends that always, they'll, great comics, too, but they'll say, you know, I'm, I'm writing all weekend.

I'm like, oh, like for a, a sit comic.

No, just write in joke.

I'm like, I don't, I don't ever sit down and write because

forcing myself has got to just come.

And most of the time, it happens socially, you know?

Yeah.

Flying here yesterday.

The guy next to me, and this is just, it turns into a joke, but I didn't write it.

It just happened.

The guy next to me said um I don't want to bother you they always say that so you're not bothering me um he says you and I have something in common and I'm this old guy I said oh what do we I'm thinking you know we both have some NASA related something

I said oh what do we have in common he says both 65

and I said

65 I said, I'm not 65.

He goes, oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

I'm born in.

I said, well, born in is different than

you're born in 65.

Yeah.

You started with that.

Oh, that's true.

We do have something in common.

Dumb fuck.

So then I just thought, this is stupid prick.

So I said that.

He said, oh, is that going in your show?

I said, yeah.

Oh, no.

You're not going to say who it is.

I said, no, I'm just going to picture real quick.

This is fucking.

Say who it is.

Who the fuck?

Oh, here's the guy.

I mean, wow, this is a dumb shit.

Yeah, that's hard.

A lot of things happen just, you know, and probably you guys, too.

When you don't force to write a joke, sometimes it just a behavioral thing happens.

So much of it comes from that.

On a plane, last weekend, I I was going to Florida and

went up to the guy.

Can we get a picture of the flight attendants before we land?

I said, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I get up to go, and they're like, oh, wait,

wait, let me get ready.

And they were like pouting their nose.

And I said, no, I'm just going to go.

I'm just going to go smoke a cigarette.

I'll be right back.

And they just lost it.

They just thought that was the funniest thing ever.

I said, I'm just going to go smoke a cigarette right back.

You can't smoke in the bed.

You can't?

Like, no, just fuck with them.

But that can be a bit just by

doing it stupidly.

And then they were like, you can't smoke.

I've been on planes where they do that.

Yeah.

You're such an entertainer.

I really, I respect that so much.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, like my hero.

I love Phyllis Diller.

She was my hero.

How did you get it?

Did you ever get to meet her?

I did.

You know what's strange?

I was going to Florida Atlantic University.

Yeah, I've done that.

Yeah, that's why I went to school.

Yeah.

And Boca Raton, right?

I mean, you're a broke college kid and they have valet parking at public schools.

And they have a bunch of aeronautical stuff there, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm at FAU and

they had Phyllis Diller came to our school to perform.

And I was blown away.

It was

just

crazy good.

And someone, they had the old and they had the old limo.

Yeah.

And like a big old, old, you know, 70s limo.

They had, she was there walking her out.

And the guy that the union built said, hey, this is our resident comic.

And I'm like, what?

I had done comedy twice on that on the comedy.

I'm not a comic yet.

I'm up there doing George Carlin's jokes, and I'm not doing jokes of my own.

Anyway, she says, oh, and she's got her big wig and her cigarette, and it was pouring down rain.

She goes, get in.

And I go in the limo with her, and they close

the door.

And she's like, well, that, she's just, it's just amazingly like.

Do you well, tell me your best joke.

And I said, oh, fuck, right.

So I'm like, well, I don't really have whatever.

I said, I have this one joke where I come out I had a I had a my hair was even bigger out here and I would come out with a red wig on

and it was a caratop and I'd come out with the wig on and everybody's like ah and then I would take it off and it was the same hair yeah

and right when I said that to her I said well I have this joke because I said I take I have a wig I come on just like you know and I come out and I pull it off and the same hair is there she goes that is so funny and she she takes her wig she goes you know what and she takes her wig off she's like I'm I'm fucking stealing that from you really yeah i said please do right please do and yeah she just was her long cigarette she and it was i just couldn't believe i'm in the in a limma with with phyllis diller and i was writing her a joke you know she so she gave me notes on my act when I was a new comic and it changed my life and she changed me forever.

But what she said to me was, I was really interesting you say that because she goes, Christina, your hello is everything.

For instance, I go out there and I go, shocking, isn't it?

And because she had that big wig, but that's so important.

Your hello.

And if that's your first joke, a visual gag, she must have died.

She must have loved that with you.

She said she's still.

I love it.

Yeah.

She goes, I'm taking that.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

I said, you can, please do.

I'd be honored.

I'd be thrilled to death.

Yeah.

She was brilliant, right?

Class, class.

I mean, so clever.

My God.

You still watch the clips of her on Instagram.

It's all time.

It's timeless.

Yeah.

I own her.

Joan Rivers and her friend is all.

Oh, Joan Rivers was another.

Incredibly funny.

My God.

Incredibly funny.

I want to show you some of our props to see if anything.

Oh, yeah.

While I grab this, here I'll just.

Somebody, another prop guy, was sending a video.

Hi there.

My name is Pete, and today I'm going to be demonstrating a new toy that I got.

And the cool thing about it is it incorporates a power drill

between a flashlight

and your hard dick.

Cool.

Are you following so far?

Yeah, so far, I think I know.

Use the cordless.

Ugh.

I think you can get that at the Home Depot, by the way.

What the.

Just consider this for your closer.

Dude, this would be rash.

Not a lot you could do after this one, though.

Yeah, you got to close the closet.

You kind of have to close on that one.

And

I just had a really good time.

That's Uncle Terry.

It gets filled with fucking cums.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dude, imagine that.

That's what it should be done.

He gets done.

He goes, and that's how I start my boarding.

Dude, imagine closing.

Protein.

A protein shake.

My own protein shake.

So fantastic.

Okay.

Oh, what do you got here?

Oh, my goodness.

I got some stuff.

All right.

I'm already...

Oh, shit, we need that guy.

Yeah, I know, right?

I don't know.

Oh, you don't know what these are?

Well, yeah.

I mean, that's definitely

a fun mask.

Yeah, when you're blowing some guy behind a dumpster on 6th Street.

Yeah, seven twinks and put a mask on one of them.

Yeah, there you go.

This, I guess, is a beer bong, right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a beer bong.

Why do we use that?

Or like an anal funnel?

I don't remember.

I hope not.

I'm hoping it's a beer bong.

You could come up with something.

There's so many.

Oh, there is another.

Oh, this is while you're searching for your G.

This is one that we we had planned for

is this all your shit or someone gave you this shit I mean is this your five minutes this is your five minute opening

this is your five minute opening yes what is that

these are going in my trunk keep it anything you want is yours little black dicks

can't have it oh this reminds me of one that I had a lot of cock this is one that I just told this story last night I was on the tonight show and I had a

you kind of go back to how long ago was it when gay marriage was legal in like four states.

Right.

So I thought, oh, it's a fun way to present it.

So I'd have, I had a map of the United States and where every state that was legal marriage, I had a little, it was penises on springs.

We'd go like, you know, you hold it up and I go, here's the four states so people know that

gay marriage is legal.

So the tonight show people like, well, you can't, you know, it kills in rehearsal sound check.

And the lady from Standards and Prasses always hated me, loved me, but hated me.

She'd walk over and she's like,

Scott, I went, you can't do.

I said, they're in springs.

They're not real dicks.

They're like, they're cute.

They're little, they're like little kept little cocks in springs.

Come on.

NBC.

Come on.

Nobody cares.

So

they're like, no, you can't do that.

So I said, okay, can I come up with another idea?

So I went and I got the prop department cut out pictures of Ryan Seacrest's face, and I put them in all the four states.

And now it made it even worse because Jay's like, he's a good friend of mine.

I can't do that.

I can't make fun of Ryan Ryan.

It's not gay.

I said, no one thinks it's a joke.

It'll get a laugh.

Or I put Elton John.

Is that better?

Elton John, but then it's not funny.

You're picking on someone that's not yeah so what do you do i i no i didn't i'm not doing the oh true you didn't do the bra they wouldn't let me do it with run so then i thought it's not funny if i put like elton because then it's it doesn't make it

have it something else yeah it's gotta have this wait so do you recognize literally all these like is this just is this boring for you because you've seen all these things a million times oh these objects yeah like you've seen everything at this point right i've never seen that one day

stop What about that type of dick?

Is that like a strap-on dick?

Why does it have a dick?

Several of these.

Why is there a loop in that?

Your balls go in there.

Oh.

So it's like a cochering.

Oh!

But it would make no sense to have that.

And because your dick would be a dick and another dick, it makes no sense.

So whoever invented that, I'm not quite sure what that's for.

I don't know what that would be for.

Yes.

There you go.

Finally, something in my color.

Oh, there is a home record.

That was kind of great.

You know,

there's a TikTok that everyone in the world has sent me because it talks about gingers.

And

we were just talking about it.

I was about to literally on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, did you say that one?

Well, no, I wanted to ask.

Okay, tell, tell.

Oh, no, I just say in the show, I said, you know, people love TikTok.

This is the most trending TikTok.

Roll it.

And they roll it, and you've seen it, which every ginger is black.

If you're

black, if you're red hair and you're black.

Yeah.

And the crowd always laughs.

And I just kind of look at the crowd like, and i looked down i said i you know for years i would always ask my mom why do i have a big black dick she says you're blessed and it becomes a callback throughout the whole show

and my big so when you say that then i get my big black dick i love okay this was our question because we have a a comic friend who one time

uh a redhead guy and he was like somebody called me a fucking ginger and we were like okay he was like yeah that's like calling me a fucking homo and i was like wait what and he was like yeah that's super insulting I was like, I thought that's just a.

I have to be absolutely honest.

I don't like the word ginger either.

But tell me.

I don't know why.

It's just, I would say, oh, you're redhead or you're this, but ginger.

Ginger is a bit of a short?

No, it just says you're ginger.

I don't know.

And then they, they, one of those cartoons did it, which was great.

The gingers are, it was South Park or one of those.

I forgot what the dope, but I just don't like the word ginger either.

Yeah.

Okay.

Maybe because it's all British and gay sounding.

I don't know.

Like ginger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like it's so anything British is actually fine with me or yeah.

Yeah, it's a Brit thing.

I don't know if it just, yeah, ginger,

ginger.

Fucking ginger.

I just never, I don't think it was around when I was, you know, when I grew up, no one called me ginger.

Oh, so it kind of evolved.

You're redheaded into something.

They came up with ginger somehow, but I'm not a fan of the word ginger.

I don't get offended by it, though.

Right.

Is this

something else in it that comes off, too?

That's so interesting.

What is that?

I don't know.

This one's interesting looking.

Oh, I don't like that.

That is horrifying.

Yeah.

What the hell?

This whole table looks horrifying.

If people just would walk in, like, what the fuck have you guys been doing?

That right there, I feel like there's something to do with that.

Well, I have something similar with the head.

Hold on.

Okay.

But

it's more cute if I can find it.

Now, this one was, oh, this one killed last night.

It says the new Cowboys helmets.

But it's only for, you know, it's tapable for tonight

in Dallas.

Why not fuck with the home team?

Of course.

But there was one that I did that involves a baby.

Shit.

Oh, these were pretty cool.

These are clever.

These are boots that I made where the soles are reversed so you can't trace your steps.

Oh,

brilliant.

This was an OJ joke.

Fuck yeah.

It was.

I said, this isn't.

I made boots for OJ was wearing these, so they were going the wrong way where'd he go?

He went that way.

That's great.

Bundy would have had so many more under his belt if he had those.

True story, yeah.

Is that how they got him?

No, but I know those guys think about that.

This is pretty clever.

This is a good clever.

No, it's a horrible, dirty baby.

This is a really poor, really old baby.

I'm sorry, honey.

It's time to change you.

So,

when people breastfeed, right,

in public, people get upset when people are breastfeeding in public.

So, I thought you should just have, you make this to put over the baby's head so it looks like

you're just holding the baby.

They don't know your breastfeeding.

Right?

Yeah, that is.

Like, what's going on?

Nothing, just hanging out.

Yeah,

my favorite would be if that's your only, like, if you were just like, I have one joke, and you did that, it would scare so many people.

Yeah,

they'd be like, this guy's totally unstable.

It is the filthiness of the movies that really stirred up.

Yeah,

that's really gross.

I didn't realize it till now.

They wouldn't have as good lighting at the Luxo than you.

It was real serial killer-y, yeah.

You're lighting up.

No, I don't.

And I'm looking for something.

No cube, dude.

This is just

your home feed.

This is what you watch every day.

This is kind of your board.

we haven't watched this in years i know i forgot how a lot but he's he's trying damn it oh fuck it

what is he doing what if he's not doing anything horrible what if he's like trying to change the you know he's trying to screw something on i don't know

trying to put the hose damn it damn it yeah and he you know what's interesting now that i didn't think about 10 years ago yeah he could have just made a new tape he could could have.

You know what I mean?

He didn't have to air this version.

He could have waited.

He could have done it.

Just do it.

Do it.

See again, going back to you.

Try.

You just try, bro.

Don't be lazy.

Just film another.

You know what I mean?

Like, just regroup and film it again.

Yeah.

Give yourself

a shit.

It's like, well, I came.

I got to post it.

I got to post it straight away.

This is an old one.

Okay.

Okay.

This is.

But clever, right?

Let me be the judge of that, right?

It's when you hang a picture.

I keep looking at all the pictures in here, right?

they're never yours are great, you're they're all straight, but I made a picture frame that was made out of level, so it's always straight.

Isn't that great?

So, the picture goes in here, you put it on the wall, it's always straight, dude.

That's another one that you gotta fucking copyright for that.

You gotta sell that.

You know why?

That's like everybody's joke.

That's a joke.

You just made me think structure.

You put a picture of Elton John on, and you said, and this one's never straight.

We just wrote it right here, baby.

Now, or you have this one, it's never straight.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Okay.

So,

do you want to show him some of your talks?

Yeah, speaking of TikTok, I mean, I curate them, but I also like to showcase the marginalized communities.

I don't

spend to give a voice to those that are underrepresented.

Okay, so she selected these, just so you know.

This is all.

Don't blame this on me.

Okay.

Trans people belong here.

We need trans people.

We love trans people.

Trans people belong here.

We need trans people.

We love trans people.

Trans people belong here.

We need trans people.

We love trans people.

Trans people belong here.

We need trans people.

We love trans people.

Trans people belong here.

We need trans people.

We love trans people.

Trans people belong here.

We need trans people.

I'll tell you.

The message isn't wrong.

I do feel like.

The taxi pulls up.

We need trans people.

I do think no one's catching on to the song, though.

No,

no, no.

I think it was really, it really was catchy.

We know why, but you had the intuition to add a beat.

Right.

And had she had a friend who was like, and then if she looked around, she was like, trans people belong.

And then the symbols come in, the cowbell, and the dumbbeck, and then it's Venice.

It's a hit.

I'm going to scroll forward 30 seconds and see what happens.

Let's see.

Trans people, we love trans people.

Trans people belong here.

Okay, it keeps going.

It just keeps going.

All right.

But there are any people out there.

Oh.

Okay.

This feels like it's in your wheelhouse.

What is she doing?

Oh, my God.

Just came up with something.

Okay, trying these airplane seat dividers so you don't have to.

That's the caption.

Okay.

I saw these airplane sneeze guards on Amazon, so I have to check them out.

What a concept.

There's a cute in case you're in the middle.

Fuck right off.

And then...

I don't like you.

Yeah, what the fuck?

Imagine sitting next to that.

Dude, you imagine that?

You're like, could you take your fucking plastic?

You would lose your money.

No, would you have to fucking...

No,

they would be in the headlines.

Yeah, a carrot top kills somebody on a plane.

I'm all over the nose.

Hopefully, you're right.

But I feel like you could have improved.

I used to have some

way better.

It has to be something that would be not obstrusive to the other people, right?

I used to have a literally a head.

This is how often I can remember the goddamn joke, but it was a lot of airplane ones.

People would always say, hey, you could be on your phone, right?

You could be whatever on the talk, texting, and people were just, excuse me, and you're like, I'm fucking.

So I would have a headphone that had a hand that would go like this.

Fuck the fuck off.

So right when they now they started talking, I just hit the button and it'd be like, you know, fuck, fuck you.

Or another one that said something on it, it would flip down.

But that's, yeah, it's a little stupid.

So you got to well, well, think that.

And the airline wouldn't let you use those.

They'd say, ma'am, you can't, you got to take that.

Yeah.

You said

using your word.

Excuse me, you can't.

You can't.

Excuse me, can't.

I mean, could you imagine if some fucking bitch did that?

I do feel like the, not for sneezing, but like to avoid conversations, I just always put earbuds in there.

Yeah, but they don't, they still go like this yeah they do i just i'm always like but he's got the point that it needs to be like hands

i used to have one that had a slide like a shade that went down on my hat really it was built in it would go brilliant so that so just like something like would go blinder i could just not talk blinders like a horse like a horse blinder it's exactly what the like it had to have movement it had movement so i talked and i said okay

this chicken look how long imagine setting this into one that's travest travis kelsey's uh playbook right uh-huh and this is this is their their prenup So it's like...

That's funny, dude.

Brilliant.

I bet it does look like the fucking phone book.

I hope so.

Wait, we got one since we were talking about trans people.

Well, she's got way more scraps.

This is a coffee cup for lesbians.

All right, good morning.

Barbara, how are you?

Good, good.

I looked at the numbers this morning.

I love it.

I love you.

God bless you.

You're just gonna do

it.

Okay, well, now I don't have an armrest.

Yeah, you see, you stupid bitch.

Stupid,

selfish twat.

Oh, see what has been meant to be.

Well, dangerous in the skies.

After your mouth stops bleeding, you adjust the buttons.

Okay.

I can't even feel it.

Can you imagine that, though?

It's unbearable.

I would just make, I would give her a

like a, like build up.

a box for her.

You just put the whole box over her.

That's great, right?

Not even holes for her to breathe.

Just

a box.

clear you could just see her Let's also point out the fact that you know, she's like I don't have my armrest anymore Yeah, neither does the person sitting next to you now.

They don't get

the armrest.

I had an old problem.

It was an actual armrest from an airline that

I was going through a junkyard and I said this is an airplane armrest like one of the armrests.

It had whatever had the ashtray

and I used to do that prop.

I said

you're on an airplane, you don't get your you have an armrest?

Bring your own armrest.

And I used to stick it in like I had it.

I I said, No, you can have that.

I brought my own.

And it was just so because it was real.

And then I put, I remember it would have something

music that would go to it too.

Like, I'm, it was a really clever prop, and it had like a sound thing built into it.

So I could bring my own music and it'd go, you can have that one.

I got mine.

I got mine.

That's cool.

I love that.

Clever.

Yeah, remember these?

Just good amazing.

I'm watching Netflix, and somebody, all of a sudden, there was a very loud bang on the door.

He went out and then I kind of peeked out the window, saw him talking to a sheriff, and I didn't think anything of it.

And then he came back in a few minutes later, kind of smiling a little bit, and I was like, what's going on?

And he goes, it's Simon.

Simon.

This might be your best.

Simon, Dead.

Someone's like, there's somebody dying next door.

But I like how they edited it.

I don't know how to make it go be quiet.

So

he gets everything he needs.

It doesn't sound like someone's being murdered.

That's great, dude.

That's just a good sound effect to have anyway.

You go to open your car and set a beep beep.

Yes.

God, that would actually stop somebody from doing something.

Or how your phone ringer.

That would be a great notification.

You got a text?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry.

I got it.

Yeah.

Hey, mom.

Yeah.

Simon.

Simon.

You should date me because I'm so far out of your league.

You would be lucky to date me.

Oof.

Hi, I'm Elizabeth.

Call me Beth only.

What kind of man am I looking for?

I really don't know.

Hopefully

a good one.

I have never been in love with anybody before.

I don't even love my parents or any of my siblings.

But every guy

has been madly in love with me.

And you will be in love with me too.

Unless you call me Elizabeth and I'll fucking kill you.

You just call me Beth.

Go to a restaurant, get me drunk.

Yeah.

You can see if you could keep up.

I do smoke cigarettes, yeah, but I don't care if you smoke cigarettes.

The key to a good relationship with me is giving me space.

I have a lot of pet peeps, but my biggest one is leaving wet towels on the ground.

I don't believe in soulmates.

I don't really think all of that.

This video is birth control.

You guys realize that.

This makes me not want to ever fuck anyone ever again.

Can I tell you something?

I'm enraptured.

I date her.

You like her?

I think she's fantastic.

No, I do like her sense of style.

You know, a little arrogant.

I like the craziness.

Yeah.

Is that what you're into?

No.

You don't like craziness?

No, crazy.

No, no, crazy.

No, crazy.

You like

no talking.

Yeah.

Actually, not even having a mouth would be great.

Just

this.

Just fucking nothing.

No expression.

Not even a mouth.

Just fucking, that'd be the perfect date.

Maybe put women hair on it,

put some girlish in it.

You sit there at dinner, they don't say a fucking thing.

What kind of ladies are you into?

Once a while, you just fucking shut up.

There we go.

Eat your goddamn fucking hair.

There's the dark side.

Amen, brother.

That's what we're all looking for.

That's fucking.

This is a purse for women, but they have a restraining organcy guy that can show exactly

how far they keep away.

that's fucking great

see that's where an example of one that like

i don't know how i i i thought of the joke yeah before as you know someone said a restrain there's a restraining order on anybody and how far you how far you're supposed to be away and then i thought oh tape measure maybe that's so funny and then i thought oh and a purse So I found the perfect purse that fits right in there.

God damn it.

But that would be one that I don't really know how the brain went.

I thought of the idea first on that one.

Not like the toilet.

that's also totally evergreen that could you could do that in 30 years oh right right yeah Timeless is great I always that's what I love a lot of the comics that I admired like George Carlin uh Joan Rivers we talk anybody you go back and you can watch them

we're talking about Richard Parless like you watch him back 40 years 50 years ago a special it's still fucking relevant Eddie Murphy's delirium it's still

a relationship with Carlin did you know him yeah how was that uh it was unbelievable I mean it was nerve-wracking because you know it's

you never just sit, you're talking to George Carlin.

You're like, holy shit, I'm talking to George Carlin.

Yeah.

And

he was wonderful, and he loved my act,

which really, really kind of what got me through a lot of the rough patches when people were really rifling at me.

Yeah.

I would say, you know, my mom would say when I was a kid, I got picked on you, you know, because I had a big black dick.

She would say, she would say, like, you know, I got picked on again.

She's like, who picked on you?

I said, you know what, Tommy?

She's like, consider the source, okay?

Yeah.

He's, he's an asshole, Tommy.

He's an asshole every day to you.

So I would think that with comics, when they would give me a hard time, I'd be like, but George Carlin liked me.

Yeah.

So you had to find like

right.

Yeah.

So you'd find that moment where you're like, you know, a guy, a guy on YouTube or some, whatever the fuck, internet back in the day, you know, a caratom hack piece of shit, whatever.

Yeah.

I would say, George Carlin liked it.

He would, he would die.

He would, he would, and he would knew, he knew the act, which is weird.

Like, he watched me on on on the shows when i when i met him i said i don't want to bother you he's you're not i said i'm a comic he goes you're carrying off and i remember thinking holy shit he knew me he says god you're great and i just was i was in an airport in philadelphia and i didn't i just was like oh my god that's thank you and he said uh

the cup joke that's brilliant right and i'm like my cup joke He says, how'd he come up?

And I said, oh, oh, the,

and it was, it was clever.

It was a, it was a telephone, you know, the cups and string,

a cup with a string and a cup, right?

Hey, what's going on?

You see it.

I was watching a cartoon, and they had that

in the cartoon.

It was like, hey, what's going on, Timmy?

And she was in a tree talking to a kid on a fort, another tree.

And I was watching the cartoon, and I thought, there should be an updated version of that cup.

And it's a new telephone.

It has call waiting.

So I had a cup that came out of the other cup for call waiting.

So you'd say, you'd say, hey, what's going on?

I have to call you back.

Hey, what's up?

It's call waiting.

Another cup would come come out.

So then three cups came out for conference calling.

Oh, my God.

And then it became a bit, right?

Then it became like, and then a clear cup for caller ID.

I know it's you pick up.

And he was like, how the fuck did you come up with that bit?

And I'm like, well, how did you come up with stuff?

Yeah.

He's like, yeah,

our brains think differently.

But he's like, that's fucking brilliant.

He was just, I had a party favor.

that had it for asthma people.

It was an asthma thing, but it had a

so people in asthma could celebrate celebrate on New Year's Eve.

And he was just like, that's fucking, he just, he was, you know how he would just be like, that's fucking great.

How do you fucking have an ah, he's got a goddamn asthma thing with it?

So he was great.

That's awesome.

Now, did you pick up on like?

And I also, I studied him.

I mean,

you know, the, even the shit, I do that in my act all the time.

And I always, I always reference that to the crowd.

Because I do it four or five times in the show.

It always gets a laugh.

It's Carlin.

But then later I say people, you know, that shit, that's Carlin.

I took that from Carlin.

Yeah.

And he mentioned me in a special, and I show it in the show.

It's so great.

I said, we were watching, this is true, you were watching an HBO special with George Carlin.

And

he says, it cuts to, I said, watch this.

And it cuts to Carlin, and he's in a special.

He says, I'm at the airport, and they asked me, who packed your bags?

Did you pack your bags yourself?

And Carlin goes, no, Caratop packed my fucking bags.

And the crowd goes nuts.

I go nuts.

I said, you know, I'm bow down.

But, you know, my

forehead cell phones, I mean, everyone in the world is like, did you see that special?

Carlin mentioned you.

And that's like one of those things.

You're like, wow, you know, you just.

Special.

It's special.

And so granted, it worked perfectly because I have all this shit.

We packed your bags.

When you got beat up a lot, like you were saying, like online or whatever,

did you have a sense of like, well, this is like...

This is unmerited.

This is just like not, like, it became like sport.

Like, anybody can just like have a reference for something.

They don't even know what they're saying did it feel like that like like people are just well it definitely felt unmerited because i thought what i was doing again whether it's silly or unstoppable when i first started doing comedy the most uh important thing at least cherishing people was not stealing people's material especially back you know the what now there's thousands and thousands of comics out there um

I was so proud of the fact that I had my own shtick.

I mean, I wasn't doing Gallagher.

I wasn't doing Rip Taylor.

I wasn't doing anything.

I was doing inventive prop

stuff and stand-up.

So it was a mixture of, but now the show's way more stand-up in it because I think I've just gotten more comfortable doing it.

But yeah, it felt unmerited because I thought I'm doing my own.

But did you also feel like it feels like there's like a like a tide turning of people going like, why are we giving this guy such a hard time?

Oh, there was definitely a tide turned at one point.

Yeah.

I think it was just, yeah, one day I just hear people are like, you know, you get the Shanlings and you get bill mars and people that come out of the woodwork and say you know they're great yeah they just had one the other day was

somebody it was dana carvey and and uh what's it they were just going on and all yeah about how brilliant i am and i was like that's nice yeah um but it took a long time to get a long time you know i always say that you know i i've been doing this so long it's like you know they it's almost i get I finally get to go to the barbecue kind of thing, you know?

Yeah.

It's like, all right, we can invite him to the show.

That's cool, man.

He's been in it so long.

That's really what it is.

I think they finally said, fuck, he's not going anywhere.

I'm glad you're not going anywhere.

No, me too.

What you do is so hard.

I couldn't come up with a trunk full of visuals.

Yeah, but that's different.

No, it's just what I do.

Right.

I can't write a song, and some people can write you.

You could give me a month, and I don't think I would come up with one.

I don't think I would come up with one, dude.

You got to see Carrot Top Live.

Go to carrottop.com and six nights a week at the Lux Store in Vegas.

Six nights a week.

Unbelievable, dude.

This was a blast, dude.

Thank you for having me.

Absolutely.

Thank you for all this fun.

And of course, these are yours to take.

Nice.

Yeah.

My trunk's already heavy enough.

I'll tell you my first prop I ever did.

No way.

Ever did.

It wasn't mine, but it was the first thing I did on stage.

I had gone to this club in Orlando, in West Palm Beach when I was in FAU.

It was every day on the radio, Comedy Corner.

And I thought, I'm going to go down there and audition.

So I went down and I auditioned and I did George Carlin and

every jokes that weren't mine.

And the lady's like,

where do you get these jokes?

And I'm like,

George Carlin.

I said, George.

She goes, George, well, you can't do that.

You have to do your own joke.

I said, oh, fuck, well, that sucks.

You know, I thought this comedy thing was easy.

I can just do jokes.

So I thought,

I don't know what inspired me.

I had this thing on the wall at my house, in my dorm.

And so it became my first prop.

I said, you know, how good?

I said, I would show up.

First thing I said, like, she said, hello, my first thing out was this, hey oh I had my stupid hair I'd take that off

and then I'd hold this up and I'd say sorry sorry I'm late I was in the neighborhood and everybody would laugh and then I'd say how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking sign yeah

and it just would kill I said it took me it took me 20 minutes to get this fucking sign

10 seconds to go through a window and it was just like the lady was like that's great do you have any more like this and I said well I can go steal more signs yeah and that's what I did I went around town and I found all the signs that were that were that made no sense And you know what?

So that was a little children at play, and it was a stick figure.

I said, well, no one did the slowly they don't have feet.

And I just keep doing, you know, and people, the one was funny because I stole them.

Yeah.

And secondly, they were signs that people would question.

And then you realize there's something in your head.

Yeah, the visual aspect of it.

And so I started.

But the very, leave you on this, because we got to go.

The very first prop I did, I was 12, maybe?

12?

Yeah.

But I didn't do, of course I wasn't building props back then, but it makes me laugh.

My father was very, very, an engineer and very, very particular about his tools.

He had a shed that was, every tool was outlined numbered, like the hammer went there.

And of course, the screwdriver wouldn't fit because it looks like a hammer.

But it was like everything, right?

I borrowed his hammer one day.

I had a fort in the backyard, and my dad came home from work and he says, where's my hammer?

I said, I don't know.

He says, well,

it's got to be somewhere.

It was just here this morning.

I said, I don't know, dad.

He went into my fort and he found it.

Or I found it.

Yeah.

He says, He said, Well, here it is.

And I said, He said, What is just walking there all by itself?

I said, I don't know, Dad.

So he went to work and he came home and I made this.

I said, My dad came to him.

I said, Dad, I think it did walk in there all by itself.

And my dad's like, What the fuck?

Now, what's great about this is this is this is really the hammer.

That's the hammer.

My dad fucking was so pissed that I drilled.

And then he says, What the fuck is this?

I said,

The hammer walked in there by itself.

But I was like, 12.

That's brilliant.

And my dad didn't know I was going to be a prop comic,

but I kept it.

And this is going to be in my

prop.

But that's so great.

I mean, 12, right?

That's why I'm already thinking, hey, let's put.

You did this at 12.

Yeah.

I found a Barbie doll that I had.

No.

That's great, dude.

It's amazing.

Dude, there's two jokes in there.

I just found a Barbie doll that I had, and then I cut it up.

It's not a Kendall.

I mean, a Kendall.

Kendall.

That's right.

And the Barbie doll.

That's great.

I'll be a Barbie Dong.

Making the Finth.

You got a Nissan?

What do you got?

Thanks again for coming in.

Thank you guys for

watching and listening, and we'll see you next week.

Thank you.

Now I'm in your ass air.

I'm fucking new.

Oh, I.

I'm gonna sweat.

I'm gonna come.

I'm gonna get on your bomb.

I'm gonna sweat.

I'm gonna come.

I'm gonna get on your bomb.

I'm gonna sweat.

I'm gonna come.

I'm gonna get on your bomb.

Only face you, girl.

You better know I'm gonna rock your world.

Now I'm in your airfare.

I'm fucking you, oh.

Now I'm in your end.

I'm fucking you before.

I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bomb.

I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bomb.

I'm gonna come, I'm gonna get on your bomb.

I'm gonna face you, girl.

You better know I'm gonna rock your world.