A Gender Traitor's Guide To Dating w/ Jordan Jensen | Your Mom's House Ep. 828

Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

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Fully retarded.

Fully retarded.

Fucking retarded.

Say that one.

Dude, do Larry.

No, no, do

Soccer Souffle guy saying mentally retarded.

Is that him?

No, no.

So

that's Larry King.

Yeah.

Who said mentally retarded?

It sounded like a newscaster, like somebody.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

That is Larry King.

No, that's just like

an old, old advertising thing where they're like, the mentally retarded can live in more.

I think it was for like a product.

Like, this is a fully retarded product.

Meaning, you know, that it can stop.

And yeah, whatever.

I got you.

Okay, throw it down.

Okay, throw it down.

Okay, dude.

That clip got you so good, Tom, back then.

Story time?

Yeah, that fuck time.

Star time and he drooled.

That was some asses.

You gotta find him again.

Can you find him?

Retard Tom.

It's the best.

Yeah.

You are completely retarded.

Yeah.

Retarded, retarded.

You fucking retarded.

That'd be so retarded.

I'm not retarded.

Yeah.

I'd go retarded.

I was going to knock her in the head one day out here inside the garage because she called me retarded.

I was going to knock her in the head with a claw hammer.

Yeah.

Sleep retarded around this motherfucker.

Retarded.

A retarded.

Any girl who knows?

No,

no, no, yeah, lesbian.

That's true.

Lesbian.

Yeah.

You know.

She's the one coming in here in a minute.

Oh, hi.

Thanks, Heather Mills.

I just wanted to refresh everybody

on the artwork I did of my husband, Tim.

I'm not putting it up for sale yet, but I have increased the price of fuck around and find out to $60,000 now on the YMH website.

I'm just, I'm so proud of this, and I feel like I want people to enjoy it and cherish it.

It's really flattering.

Thank you for doing that.

It's really cool.

You got it, Powell.

Yeah.

Mapa.

I hate that shit.

Pom-pom.

Fuck that.

That's how I refer to my parents.

Can you

start calling Charo that?

I don't want this to get stained.

That's so gay.

A lot so gay.

Sounds like Sidney Sweeney.

Yeah, so you have your beautiful artwork and your lip shits.

Oh, yeah.

Buy my lip shits, everybody.

I am wearing right now on my face a brand new product that will be revealed in the wintertime for Christmas.

I'm just going to say it's very exciting, very amazed.

ChristinaP.com, you can get my flagship colors, the perfect red, Madison, Berlin, and Atomic Red.

Buy all four for the lady.

You graciously sent gifts of them to the set when I was on.

I gave it to the makeup department, and they all put it on, and then they were like, Hey, you sold more because everyone was like, Where'd you get that?

And then they ordered it.

People were ordering it.

Jose.

Well, thanks, Tom Hanks.

I appreciate it.

That was awesome, man.

Thank you for doing that.

Thank you.

Very handsome.

I'm going to draw more pictures of your nude body.

Thanks for the details.

Do you know that our fucking cat went to the vet today for a stupid

poor scratch on her?

On her, I misgendered her cat.

Yes.

And you know, the vet fucking said

this cat has gingivitis.

Gingivitis.

And I was like, dude, what fucking cat doesn't have gingivitis or what dog?

Yeah.

They all do.

And you got to brush the cat's teeth.

I'm like, who the fuck is brushing their teeth?

What about the scratch?

What do they say about it?

It's just a little boop.

You just put some ointment on it and it goes away.

But I mean, don't tell me to brush the cat's or the dog's teeth.

Nobody does that, right?

No, I think some people do.

Do you guys brush your fucking cat's teeth?

Normal people aren't doing this.

I used to

every day?

No, but yeah, I would every now and then.

Wow, I'm surprised by you, Annie.

You're so different today.

You went from, he was very different today in the meeting.

How so?

He's code switching.

Oh.

He came in a lot of time.

You know, I get accused of that a lot.

You?

Yeah, people say that I do that a lot.

You know why?

Why?

It's because we mixed, man.

We had to.

It's also, it's not abnormal.

Like, people don't realize that they do it.

I do it too.

Yeah, but people do it.

People always think in terms of just race, but you also code switch based on like people's age and the setting you're in.

You know, like if you're in a bank and you're meeting the

manager, you do a version of a code switch.

If you're with someone's grandparents, you're not like, what's up?

You don't, you walk in, you speak to people differently.

That's just a normal thing to do.

I also think people just don't do do it well.

Right.

So when somebody does it well, they're like,

what are you doing with somebody?

It's like, you do the same thing.

You just can't do it right.

Because like the worst, the worst,

to me, the cringiest comedy movies, and they've done these with the top talent in the field, is when they have the white person who's like, you have a new black friend.

And then the spin in the movie is like, he puts on a gold chain and he goes, what's up, my brother?

And everyone's like, that's That's hilarious.

And you're like, That is awful.

Like, it's just like a cartoon version of like, I'm in a rap video.

And it's so cringy.

It's so bad.

Shout out to Laquisha.

Shout out to Laquishia.

Oh, Laquisha.

Who, hell yeah, I don't know.

Baby, I got some advice for you today.

Yeah, it's good.

Who did that again?

Refresh my memory.

Dude, how did they get it sprupped?

Like, I find it so crazy that you can't, like, maybe on some

site that were, you know, I don't know, like a Reddit or something, they have it up, but they, like, the trailer was gone.

Or you can watch it on Tubi.

They've scrubbed Revenge of the Nerds.

You hear me?

You can't even see Revenge of the Nerds.

If you can pull up this trailer anymore,

I could not find it.

Did they release it?

No way.

Yeah, it came out.

Is it still up?

It was a fucking way.

Because this was gone.

We couldn't find this trailer.

We need a viewing party.

What are we doing?

Always seem to say the right thing to just the right person.

What's your secret?

This looks like Ryan.

Why are you just talking to myself.

I don't think I don't charge for my advice.

Well, you should, because it was amazing.

I saw this and I thought of you.

You will be a hit in no time.

Welcome to the Joe Show.

I submitted myself to a radio station for my own show.

Well, congratulations.

They rejected me.

Well,

congratulations, though.

You weren't right for your own show.

Jason skipped it.

Need to get the money for this school.

$13,000 a semester?

That she needs her own show.

If I was a black woman, I'd be perfect.

This is so exciting.

She's brilliant.

I know.

Get her in here.

Look on here.

The biggest thing in radio, but I still need my anonymity.

You nervous?

It's not a crime.

It's theater.

You love with Loquita.

What's your problem?

Hi, Loque.

It's free.

Oh, I ain't talking to you, not the way you sound.

Next call.

You go, girl.

You just be good to her if you good to yourself you can be good to others but don't be too good because the police are coming around

it's like it's not at all believable no that's the problem

okay we're good oh shit is you the the problem the thing is when you do these

you have to be you have to nail it do you know what i mean like you can do this oh right i see what you're saying if um if you can really but like if if you if you just have it like degrees off, then you go, like, what the hell?

You have to have roots in that culture.

I don't know if you have to have roots in the culture,

but like your representation of it has to be spot on.

Like, if you nail it, then everyone goes, that's fucking, yeah, you did it.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Well, that's true.

Well, that's true because we've had that comedian in here.

He just was here when I was gone.

My brain is addled from opioids.

Gary Owen.

Gary Owen.

Yeah, but

he just is a good comedian who he knows a culture and he knows how to make observations and he's being himself.

He's not doing a caricature.

He's not being like, what it is, my brother.

Like, he doesn't come out like that.

He's just being a person.

He is who he is.

I agree.

I agree.

And he's also been immersed in a culture.

So he has nailed that.

But I'm saying, like, that movie can be done well.

If you are at, like, you could do the impression if your impression is like

spot on.

And the people are like, oh, my God.

Yeah.

He's like, girl.

Yeah.

You out your mind.

And everyone's like,

keep saying your shit, Lil Keat.

Like, it's nonsense.

It just,

you feel like you're watching.

This is a sketch.

I mean, it's too generic.

It needs to be more specific.

Yeah.

We need to, if he really took time to create a black lady character, maybe.

God.

It's like Russell Peters.

Russell Peters does that shit, right?

You know what I'm saying?

He knows that he knows that culture.

But he nails it.

He does that for, I would say, almost every time he does, I've been at shows with him where he'll literally be like, Where the Sri Lankan people at?

Yeah.

And they go, Oh, yeah.

Pipe up.

And then he does something just for them.

And then he does like something for Cantonese speaking, Mandarin speaking, and then Northern India.

And he just, because he knows them so well, and he does the accent perfectly and his reference is perfect, you know?

So it's like,

it's just about actually nailing it.

Well, I've heard you talk white guy and you do it really well.

Yeah.

Like I've watched you do white stuff.

Light it up.

Oh my God.

Like when you do phone call and you go, hi, how are you today?

I'm good.

How are you?

Like I want to blow my brains out because that to me is such a stupid thing.

Like why would you ask somebody that if you're not going to wait for the answer?

It's just a nicety that fucking enrages my soul.

It's a white white people love it.

Yes.

They love this.

High-level whites really respect it.

High-level whites.

Yeah.

You got it.

They're talking about top-tier whites.

Yes.

Yeah, there's a certain way to speak to them for sure.

What else they like talking about?

Golf, the family.

You learn every top-tier white's hobby, and then you address that momentarily.

You know, he's a tennis guy, golf guy, chess guy.

You have to reverse it.

It's blowing my mind right now.

You're right, because I remember when Mark Cuban came in, I was like, how is Tom going to white guy it up with Mark Cuban?

And lo and behold, the two of you are just two peas in a pot.

Well, he's an elite white, and then you just know, but he's not pretentious, so you can't go pretentious pretentious with him, but you always meet them.

You know, here's the thing.

If you know what they love,

that's the way to a super elite white guy.

Super elite white man, yeah.

He loves more than anything, basketball.

I'm saying in the world of like hobbies and whatnot.

So you bring up basketball, you can have easily a two-hour conversation with that guy.

But here's the deal, man, is that do you enjoy talking about basketball or you just endure it?

No, no.

Now, if he was just like, my favorite shit's ballet, I would do a little research and then suffer through the conversation.

Okay, see, that's also just using it as a bridge to the, to get to, you know, whatever you actually really want to talk about.

Wow.

How come it took me like 49 years to learn this stuff?

I had good white training, man.

I was with a lot of elite whites.

You really were.

I don't think I, like, I watched you talk to them, you know, over the years, and I'm like, oh, that's how you talk to, like.

appropriate people like attorneys or like agents or like business people because I yeah I don't know

yeah that's a good one and then i'll tell you the one that my dad taught me this is like from so many like white men is like if something isn't right like at in some type of experience in other words like a hotel stay a rent like something like is is fucked up it's like the people who a lot of people go in they go what the fuck they curse and everything he's like never do that you always get the highest level person you can get and then you just tell them about your experience you know you understand like the difference So you're like, hey, you know,

we paid to stay at this resort.

And then this is what my experience has been thus far.

Dude, when I did that at like a, for a, like the whole, the whole world is given to you by, by doing it in a, like,

not angry, not angry, not emotional, just logical.

And you just tell them this is what was wrong.

I got to learn that.

That was a top dog thing.

He's so smart.

Yeah.

So he learned how to be an elite white from his family.

Well, he was working with, you know, elite whites, yeah.

So, he's just like passing on,

yeah, yeah, because that's not how it works in like the immigrant world.

Like, my stepdad, and if you got some shit to say, some bullshit, if you're pissed about something,

never email it.

Really?

Why?

Because it's a paper trail, yeah.

You don't want that, you don't want that, you make a phone call, yeah, yeah, you do verbal, verbal.

Well, my stepdad, when he would threaten people's lives or get angry, or it was always in person or over the phone, elite whites and criminals know that.

Yeah,

yeah, sometimes they're the same thing, Yeah,

very often.

I know.

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Wow.

All right.

Well, here's an Elite White.

Yeah, okay, okay, let's see Elite Whites.

Yeah, here we go.

But he needs to tell my ex-friend Jan Bradbury that she can't be with me because she likes doing German punishments and vibrating my feet with a demon.

And she's done it hundreds of times.

And she vibrated my womb for too long when I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa, when I first lived there back in 2018, 2019.

And I had to go to the ER and be examined because she wouldn't you.

So, Jan, you're going to hell for blasting my Holy Spirit.

You can't be with me.

Get out of my life.

Who is landing?

Don't bring anyone loving.

Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura.

No, that wasn't a beard break.

That was just a furry.

This lady...

She had a lot of interesting shit.

She's been all over, dude.

I've been following her work.

One of the craziest things to me.

You got to respect the song.

Is it bad that, like, of everything she said, what I hung on to the most?

I know what you're going to do.

Is that she said Des Moines, and that's her home.

In my home in Des Moines.

Completely inaccurate.

Nobody from Des Moines

pluralizes it.

Never.

And Des Moines.

Des Moines.

No, even I know it's Des Moines.

It's French.

Dummy.

La Croix.

Croix.

La Tay.

Des Moines.

Je ma péton.

Yeah, I mean, it's fucking insane.

Stuff.

And my home in Des Moines.

Yeah.

Forget the demons in your feet and your womb being vibrated.

Yes.

Des Moines?

Yeah, it's completely inaccurate.

But maybe it's the womb vibrations that's messing up her speech.

Yeah, yeah.

She probably needs to get her

ass,

you know, you put something in the house.

Yeah, you put a ball in your asshole, and then it realigns your hips.

Demon.

And she's done it hundreds of times.

And she vibrated my womb for too long when I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa, when I first heard her.

She said Des Moines.

It's upsetting.

It's really crazy.

No, I agree with you.

Forget what Jan did.

Just fucking start referring to your home, Des Moines, correctly.

I agree.

Everything else will fall in line.

I have zero tolerance for people that know nothing about the city they live in.

Come on.

It really bothers me, and this is a representation of that sort of thing right now.

Have some pride.

Have a little have some pride.

Have a little pride.

We were walking down an aisle,

and there were like two guys that walked up next to us.

You know, Peyton like walked away, my wife walked away for just a second.

And

they were like snickering

to themselves or something.

And

like, I didn't really think much of it.

so I'm just looking at the candy aisle trying to decide what candy I want.

And he walks by and gets like inches from me and just rips one, like farts, like this far from me.

That's disgusting to say.

I can't even believe I'm having to say this, but he did.

And about that time, Peyton walked up, like, didn't witness what happened, but like seconds later, and I'm like upset.

And I follow after him.

And I was like, Is there a reason you were just so disrespectful to me what

called you a minute come here

and he uh

never felt so dehumanized not only did he fart on her

when she confronted him he said

just walk away you fucking bitch

This is Albertson's, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

And go to the customer service to be like, hey, this just happened.

I was just disrespected in your store and called names like several times.

Don't dare do that.

And

the security guard went and talked to him, came back, and they all just kind of looked at us and was like, well, can't y'all just leave?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is this a standard for society?

I mean,

it's not

for society, but it's what you get sometimes.

Sometimes you're shopping for kale and quinoa quinal

or you're looking for candy

and someone farts it just happens right and also like i i take offense that she's taking offense at someone's fart meaning how could you take somebody's fart personal personally rather how do you know he was directing the fart at you it's a little narcissistic he's just a pig and he farted it's just a guy farting in the candy you know my favorite public fart story ever is that i didn't do it but that i witnessed

and i it's been years oh yeah i was working at america's most wanted in dc and i shared an office with one of the on-camera guys who's also his name was tom and we like we talked about music a lot we liked a lot of the same music and so one day we took a we took a walk tom and i walk into a record store and we're like let's go see what i think must have been like a tuesday because back then that's when records dropped So we're like, let's go look in like what came out today.

So we, you know, we take a little walk.

And back then, for people that are too young now, a lot of record stores had listening stations, right?

So people would, you could pick up headphones and you could listen to like classics or like new stuff.

So there was a guy in there who had to have been about 330 pounds, right?

He was a big fat fuck.

And he's sitting there, and me and Tom are like looking at this the guy he's like

and then he hits a like a high he goes like

he sings and he farts at the same like loud and long and we both were like yo

and he looked at us and he was like

and he turned he had turned away like

I think he didn't know he farted

I don't think he knew I think he didn't know he farted I think he looked at us like you don't like my singing fuck y'all Oh.

And he turned his head.

And we were both like, and we laughed.

We laughed so hard.

And that's part of why I was like, oh, I think he thinks we're laughing at his singing.

He's so big, he probably just farts all the time and doesn't register.

But Tom, think about this.

Have you ever farted and it not registered to you that you farted?

I don't think so.

The picture.

I know with the headphones.

It's the headphones.

And also, don't forget that he's...

engaging his diaphragm.

He's like,

he's like letting it out.

Came out at the same time.

Okay.

Yeah, maybe, maybe he did know.

He's like, I don't give a fuck.

But it felt like he was like, I don't know that I just did that.

But see, don't you feel like that's a blessing in the skies?

And

you didn't take that fart personally?

No, I did not take it personally.

I laughed.

I thought it was hilarious.

Because it's a gift.

And we were close to him.

Right.

And when somebody farts in public for you like that, you should take that for what it is.

It's a gift from God.

It's a special.

It is pretty special.

It's not personal.

It's not.

Oh, and speaking of farts,

we haven't even brought this is breaking news in the ymh world can you please play cats eating kibble and it's very important all right

this is a big deal

the other day we were in the room

do you remember who did what

i think i burped

We were in the same room, and at the same time,

I farted, and you burped.

Now when one human does it, it's a double pipe classic, which is a term you invented by the way and you don't get nearly enough credit for it's

it's on the internet on the urban dictionary.

I don't see your name credited.

Oh it does

the rare occurrence when you are blessed enough to both burp and fart at the same time.

Credit.

And then they give an example.

Shit, washing down that double beef and bean burrito with Coca-Cola gave me the double pipe classic.

Most men are only lucky enough to have that a few times in their life.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

But I feel as though this is a whole new thing.

As a couple, we've never created a double pipe classic.

It was very cool.

Two mommies, one pipe.

Two mommies, one.

Is it a double pipe collab?

A double pipe collab.

It's a double pipe collab, yeah.

That's very 2025.

I mean, what's it called when two streams enter one canal?

Ooh, two streams enter one canal.

It's got to be like the sewer system.

I mean, California.

Or like just in nature,

there's got to be a term for when like a dike?

Isn't that a dike is a water thing?

I don't know.

Confluence.

There it is.

Conflatulence?

Confluence.

Yeah.

Canal confluence.

Canal confluence.

It's a less common use of the term, but it can describe when two or more canals join together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A canal confluence.

It's called a couple's canal confluence.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what it is.

So proud of you, man.

There you go.

So awesome.

So awesome.

I hope so.

How was your weekend?

I had a little canal confluence with my partner.

Partner.

Partner.

Gay partner.

By the way,

so gay.

And I will not call you my partner ever.

I fucking hate it.

Yeah.

What's your pronoun?

I was at the pizza place with the boys this weekend and I was like making small talk with the table next to me.

What's it like to have boys?

And I was like, it's fucking chaos.

Just get insurance on your house.

It's crazy.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

He goes, fuck you and fuck me and fuck everyone.

Yeah, that's our little guy.

All right, dude.

Yeah.

And

I forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, we were talking and talking and talking.

And then at one point, she goes, I don't know.

Do you have a husband?

I don't know if you have a husband.

And I was like, bitch, how old am I, first of all?

Of course I have a fucking husband.

That's what you said to this lady?

No, in my head, I'm thinking, you stupid bitch.

Of course I have a fucking husband.

I'm 50 years old.

I have a ring.

I got two kids.

I'm old.

Yes.

I'm not this generation that just makes kids willy-nilly with strangers and at people or whatever it is these fuckers are doing and then calling each other partners.

It's super fucked up.

I don't do that.

Okay.

But it really upset me.

I'm like, I guess I have a husband, dummy.

God.

I mean, do you have a husband?

It was like the first time in my life anybody had seen me alone with the kids and presumed I would be partnerless or husbandless.

I mean, maybe I looked like a lesbo.

I don't know.

All right.

I don't know.

Why would she ask me such a stupid question?

She returned the question.

What about you, bitch?

Your husband?

Well, her husband was there.

He was sitting there.

Okay.

Big dummy.

I saw him too.

Jesus.

And I was like...

Don't fucking ask me stuff like that.

Okay.

All right.

He was pretty useless.

Jesus.

All right.

Fuck you, too, bitch.

Yeah.

There you go.

It's made me mad.

I can see that.

That's very cool.

Do I look like I can't get one?

You know what I mean?

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You know, the other day someone asked me, uh, should I buy Helix mattresses?

Is it true that you sleep on a Helix mattress?

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I was dressed cute, too.

Like, I always look good when I leave the house.

You know me.

Yeah.

Fashionable fashion.

And she thinks I look so gay or unattractive.

I don't know.

This is a real deep fucking well you're going down right now.

But isn't it true that I heard the kids aren't getting married now?

The kids?

The younger generation, they're not getting married.

They're just taking a different path.

Like, yes, check this out.

This is like from somebody else.

Hello, my name is Matthew Garapic, and I'm a candidate for president in 2032.

As you may know know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate.

Must be 18 years old and no more than 145 pounds.

I'm looking primarily for a white or a Spanish woman.

If you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies that will be my first lady when I run for president in 2032, please email an application of some photos and where you're from to garapic2032 firstlady at gmail.com.

Oh, geez.

I'll have my staff reach out to you if you seem to be a good fit.

Remember, in 2032 to vote for Matthew Garapik for president, let's go.

I mean, I like his ambition.

Yeah.

No, he's got, I mean, he's got the charisma.

You're right, Tom.

Some people just take a different path.

It's a different path.

He's looking for a lady.

It's just in his own way.

He's what?

She has to be 18.

Let's go.

Like, that was, yeah, he's that AC is AC in 2016.

It's AC.

And again, you really need a simpler email.

Yeah.

Derek 2001957, like 2020.

32 first lady at G, like that's, I mean, how's your staff going to fucking deal with all these emails?

It's too much.

You had to simplify the message.

Should the ladies that work here, like, submit their applications?

Just want to see what it's like when the staff reaches out.

Please.

Yeah.

You just be like, hey, I'm interested.

Niana says yes.

Yes.

Yes.

You have to be, how old, though?

18 is the cutoff, right?

Wait, no, 18 or older.

He wants an adult.

Oh, that's cool.

And 145?

145?

I'm like, Jesus Christ, man.

What are you going to be fucking wrangling cattle?

Why are you getting so and so big?

I was going to say, I barely made that cut.

Oh, all right.

Do you have a husband?

Yeah.

I think you should cut him off a little bit lighter.

You know what I mean?

This guy's obviously generous.

Like, he's willing to go.

Well, that's another thing, too.

Yeah.

It's okay to be heftier now.

Yeah.

it's okay.

Yeah, 145 is fine.

145, he's looking for a full-figured woman.

It's me.

Like, I've already had the

cow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's a big fan.

My god, speaking of, yeah.

Have you seen Nellie Ferdale lately?

Oh, stop.

We're not doing this.

What is wrong with you?

Because I knew you liked her back in the 90s.

I like her still.

I like Nellie Fertile.

I do.

I like her too.

Why are you whispering?

Because I don't want her to hear it.

I don't want her to hear it.

Because I think like her.

She was so pretty, babe.

She's pretty.

What are you doing?

She's over 140.

So what?

She looks good, dude.

Come on.

Come on.

She looks good.

Babe, the black guy is like, come on.

The black guy.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Your culture doesn't mind.

Right?

You're terrible, man.

I still think she's beautiful.

She is.

She is beautiful.

She is.

And I don't care what the black guy says.

I think she's beautiful.

Man.

She is still beautiful.

I'm not saying she's not.

I just, I just want to.

As a black guy, how do you respond?

You mean the black guy?

The black guy.

You know, you guys are known for enjoying a

full-figured woman.

Like, ah, shit.

She's about 360.

That's what I'm talking about.

Like, so is that how you feel?

I'm going to

fucking throw off.

It's so funny.

You code switched.

Well,

I was trying to make it.

So he's like, oh, I get it.

Oh, you were trying to bro with him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

God, it was so funny.

There you go.

Because otherwise he'd have been like, I don't know what he's saying right now, man.

So I was just, yeah, I was trying to.

I can't say it's my, you know, preference.

You know, I fuck big bitches, but

that's what we're talking about.

Yeah, but, you know, it ain't like my thing.

But you fuck with big bitches.

Would you fuck with Nellie at her?

I'm not afraid, you know.

Yeah.

I'm not saying I wouldn't hit, but yeah, I don't know if I could say like she likes her old self.

You know what I'm saying?

All right.

Yeah.

What are we?

I don't love this.

What?

I mean, she's

dude, she's rad.

But I whispered it, and she can't hear me.

She can hear it.

She's not listening.

She has audio equipment.

I like her.

I like her and I want her.

Nellie, I will not stand for this disrespect.

I do think you're beautiful.

I do too.

Can I tell you something, though?

But remember Lizzo, who was like, I'm fat and I don't care and I love it.

Let's look at her now.

Oh, little Ozempe's Lizzo.

She lost a bunch of weight.

Good for her.

That's what I'm saying.

I don't, I don't, I just don't think you can be happy

when you're that large.

You just, it's not happy.

I know it.

Yeah.

Shit, I'm a hefty, I'm the 145.

I'm dying to get to 145.

It's hard.

You know?

Yeah.

It's tough.

Megan Traynor.

I've been a a big fatty my whole life.

So I just, you know.

I know.

You're not a big fatty.

Sure.

I am.

Even inside, I still am.

I'll never not be a fat guy.

Do you know what I mean?

In your heart.

For sure.

It doesn't matter what the outside is.

Yeah.

You'll always be like, oh, yeah, I'm fat.

Oh,

it's okay.

No, I learned to accept it with age.

Just in your mind, you're always like,

you think that way.

Like, you're all...

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

I know what you mean.

You have your identity.

Yeah, your identity is you're fat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I get it.

Like my identity, I'm always like, oh, I'm like a weird foreigner.

You know, even though.

You are a weird foreigner.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's not an idea.

You are.

Oh, sorry.

If you weren't even born in this country, you're lucky to be here.

You should probably get deported.

I marry an American dummy.

It doesn't matter.

It does.

I'm fine.

You were raised by barnyard animals.

I really was.

Speaking of,

you don't, you're not going to like this.

I've discovered that you can wipe your hands on your pants.

Dude.

You don't even need napkins because you wash your pants anyway.

No.

What is wrong with that?

I was just doing a napkin.

No, I started doing it, and now I really like it.

You're using your pants.

My pants is napkins.

You can do it.

I do it all the time.

I do it all.

All my jeans now are just napkins.

Napkin jeans, napkin pants.

Yeah.

Especially denim.

Denim's perfect for napkin pants.

What's wrong with grabbing a napkin?

I don't want to.

And I'm usually busy with the kids.

I'm in the car.

I can't fucking do stuff.

That's beyond.

You've never used your

pants.

Have I ever, I'm sure.

But like in most 99% of situations, I look for some other fabric, not the pants I'm wearing.

Right.

Right.

Right.

I just feel like the pants are there.

They're meant to be napkins.

They're walking napkins.

They're not walking napkins.

Napkins are napkins.

That's where you're wrong, silly.

I will say this: what?

There is no napkin that is better than a towel.

Towels are the best napkins.

You're so rich, but then.

No, no, I'm talking about other people's towels, not us.

Like in a hotel.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You enjoy eating and you grab a towel, you're like, oh, this is the best napkin.

For sure.

And I've done that many.

You get like the washcloth size.

You're like, oh, this is perfect.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought I was the only one that's ever discovered.

Towels are the the best napkins.

Dowels are the best napkins.

Yeah.

Second to jeans.

No.

No.

Yes.

No.

Try it.

Just try it out.

The level of disrespect that you're doing to your own self when you do that.

To denim.

This is the house of denim.

You need to.

All right.

We're going to get you back into a program.

All right.

We'll take a quick break.

Okay.

We'll be right back.

And we are back and so excited to talk about our guest today.

Has a new special out on Netflix called Take Me With You, has the Be and Ian with Jordan podcast and Rip Jordan Jensen.

It's Jordan Jensen, everybody.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for being here.

It's so exciting.

Congratulations on the special.

Thanks.

Everybody's excited.

I just woke up here, saw it.

Yeah, I get it.

What's your pronouns?

What's my pronouns?

Yeah.

What?

What are your pronouns?

Like, I would like it to be something like.

You can.

You can make it that.

You know?

You can.

You can make it.

Mapa.

Dama.

Pom-pom.

Pom-pom.

Pom-pom's good.

I like pom-pom, please.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel closer to that than either.

Where do you live, mommy?

I live in Brooklyn.

Geodor Teddy's.

Geodor Teddy's.

Perfect.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right outside of.

Is that where you're from?

Upstate New York.

I'm from upstate New York.

I'm from Ithaca.

Ithaca.

I've been there a second time.

Ithaca.

Of course you've been there.

It looks like you were born there.

I was born there.

I live there.

Yeah.

She knows carpentry.

You know carpentry, too?

I don't.

I know carpentry.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So when you're talking about us, you're talking about the same person.

I don't know.

Listen, Tom has raved about you for so long, and I'm so excited to finally meet you today.

And he's like, she's so funny.

You're going to love her.

Yeah.

Wait, is that how I talk?

That's what you sound like.

That's how I know you sound like that.

She's so funny.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like you're throwing your own voice into your own mouth.

That's crazy.

That's crazy.

Yes.

Listen, my husband is a very harsh critic of really?

yes i will say if he thinks you're funny it means you're funny so i'm like so stoked to finally meet you and you studied philosophy and you have a small dog with you

these are all things i love these are things she loves yeah and i i hear you're a little mannish as i am quite mannish yeah yeah totally you're not gay i'm not gay and that's what i was saying have you been gay no but i did i i did spend the 90s in san francisco for school and there was a lot of bisexuality was cool so i frenched but I of course French we all French for the sake of the boys we go want to see something cool boys so you fuck me here's me Frenching my friend yeah yeah yeah of course did you have you eaten box no

I don't like it I tried

to try I couldn't I couldn't go mouth to

wait you did try though I looked at it you looked at it you didn't give it one like did you give one of these no I fingered but my fingering even was just like this I couldn't oh I can't there's something about it the penis is just like this it's stupid it's dumb dumb.

I can deal with this object.

Reaching my hand in there.

Who knows?

It's so scared.

And also what comes out of the vagina that men don't know about.

I heard you have a great joke about.

Discharge or blood.

Discharge.

Yeah.

I forget what it is, but yeah.

Well, Niana was quoting it because she pinched it.

Oh, about discharge where I'm trying to cover it and I'm pulling down my underwear and then I just say that I throw my underwear away.

Is it in the special you talk about,

because I remember we've done dates together and so I've i've seen like obviously bits and pieces of your of your act uh about your mom like you the ripping was it the the fainting vaginal i think just like you were i think it was you telling her about like maybe it was like a first period or something and she was like just fucking plug it up go to bed or whatever like it was some story about about you oh yes it was that was the vaginal tearing thing okay where i my vagina ripped during sex and me and this guy kept fainting and she goes she said it's just like the inside of your mouth it'll heal quick

which is crazy yeah i got off stage i've never i didn't that's in the special because of you really yeah because i told that on one of your shows like for fun because there were a bunch of lesbians there we were in like portland uh-huh and my mom was in the audience that's right portland maine and you were like you got to put that in the special and i was like okay yeah yeah but it's awesome because it's dirty yeah well you were raised by two uh lesbian ladies and i imagine that to be the greatest experience of all time was it the problem is one of them just becomes a dad Tell me everything.

Like, it's not like two sweet ladies are like, Honey, we've both cooked a casserole.

It's like one is like, Shut the fuck up, Michelle.

You know, it's like that.

And then you have a dad, also, because of biology, you must have a dad or a lot of money.

And I had a dad, and he was just like weird, uncle.

He was just like uncle guy.

What was he like?

He was like a cool

sex addict, cowboy, pothead, hippie guy.

Yeah.

And what was your relationship?

I worked for him.

What?

Yeah, he was like my boss.

And he was, and

he didn't like me when I was a goth.

Oh, it's unfortunate.

It's the best phase in a girl's life.

It's the best phase.

He didn't like the goth phase, so he kind of was like, you're not, you're no son of mine.

And then,

and then when I lost a bunch of weight and became a normal girl, I started working for him and we became like buds.

What did you do for him?

Oh, construction.

Yeah.

so gay.

I know, I know.

I love this.

I know.

It's so good.

Bro, you look great.

You've been kept up with your training.

Yeah.

Yeah, you look great, man.

I'm on the inflammation diet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Anti-inflammation diet.

You've been training still.

You've been, right?

And you're eating right and you're looking good.

I'm eating right and I'm working out a lot.

I'm not boxing as much, but I'm lifting a lot.

You're so gay.

See, here's the thing we were talking about.

It's so crazy because it's just, I don't even realize it.

And then I hear it and I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I also think that

an inherently gay quality to all female comics that we are all a little dykey to some regard because we're going against the gender norm in the first place.

Right.

Nobody wants to hear us talk about it.

Comedy is like masculine energy.

You know what I mean?

Like the room you were in last night and like, you know what I mean?

The green room, those dynamics, that's masculine.

Like the hanging out.

And it's always like, nice fucking shirt dip shit.

It's like, it's aggressive kind of masculine energy.

I think that, I think this is what happened.

I think it's the chicken or the egg.

I think it's, I think it's before you get into comedy this happens to you.

Is when women are coming in and being like, oh my God, let's dress up and do these things.

You're a little bit like, what are you trying to make me into a fucking girl?

And you become funny guy.

And people go, hey, you're funny because you're not doing all the girl stuff.

And you go, oh, thanks.

And then you get into comedy because so many people are being like, you're the funny one because you're defensive with your like, what are you fucking gay?

I'm not going to hang out with you.

And that's why I think comics are the ball busters.

I never liked being girl-ish.

I never, I went to an all-girls Catholic high school.

We wore uniforms and we were kind of asexualized.

Yeah.

Those really pivotal years where I probably should have been trying to attract boys.

It was like, nope, just shut it down.

Just shut a fucking button-down uniform.

Yeah.

That's hot, though.

Button-down uniform.

It's gay.

That is hot.

You know who I'm gay for?

Katie Taylor, the boxer.

Oh, let's look up Katie Taylor.

Yeah.

You like her?

Do you know who I'm talking about?

The Irish one who fights for the Lard?

Yeah, yeah.

What?

I fight for the Lard.

Whoa.

Look at this.

I fight for the Lard.

Jesus Christ is driving everyone away from her.

She had those epic fights against, was it Serrano?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Beat her up.

Oh, yes.

That's what I'm saying.

I love Serrano, too.

I love Serrano.

Serrano's great.

Yeah.

Those fights were epic.

But I just want to look like her.

When I really think about it, like the idea of her kissing me is crazy, but I want to look like her.

You can't.

You want to look like her?

Yeah.

You sure about that?

I know.

I know.

It's fucked up, but I do.

Look at her fucking buttons, dude.

You want to look like somebody that's ready to throw down at any second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With a neck that's fucking

crazy.

Her neck has literally destroyed Serano's career single-handedly.

Yeah, I don't want to look like her.

I don't know.

No, she's ripped, though.

That's what you want to be.

You want to be jacked?

Like, super jacked?

I don't want to be Jim Rat jacked, but I want to be

your jacked.

My jacked?

Yeah, but I don't want to be

Rogan jacked.

Oh, right, right.

Like, you want to be like, oh,

have some fitness in my life.

Yeah.

But not.

I want to be lean jacked.

Yeah, that's cool.

I want to be, you know what I want to be?

I figured it out.

I love being the example.

Thanks.

That's nice, right?

Yeah, thanks.

You look great.

It's crazy.

I have to talk to you about that.

This is my number one question I've had forever.

Did it piss you off so much when he got ripped?

That would piss me off.

Why?

So I don't know.

It would annoy me.

Him just going out in the world ripped after being a fat boy.

I've talked about this.

Having him caged up as a fat boy is so sick.

You think so?

Why?

Why?

Why is it what's the

very jealous, crazy person?

Of course, yes.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Hello.

So, him being a fat boy, people are like, oh, yeah,

being the one who's people are like, why are you with that guy?

That's what I like.

And then him getting ripped would piss me off.

So true.

Because I was like, better than him, right?

You're still better than him.

Let's be clear.

Thank you so much.

You talk out of your side of your mouth.

It's the hottest thing ever.

Thank you.

Can people tell you that?

No, but the side of the mouth thing?

That's so sweet.

It's the best, right?

Whoever tells me these things.

This is what I'm saying.

No, they don't know how to sound.

I'm like, fix your fucking mouth.

Yeah.

Open the other side.

He puts me down, which

feels good.

That's good.

That's what we like.

Yeah.

You guys are just

a fucking saint.

Yeah.

I love you so much.

Can I tell you what?

Okay.

Listen.

The one thing that I do get a little annoyed with, and this is all male comics, especially the Austin ones.

It's the, you know, the talk about...

You did your cold plunge, bro.

Oh, you're sick.

You got to get in the cold plunge.

Right.

And you're like, I remember when you were Tootsie Rollboy.

Can you sauna?

Bro, do you even sauna, bro?

What are you about killing?

You fucking lifting.

And hearing them brag about how come I'm not cold plunging because I'm a woman.

I don't want to cold plunge.

It doesn't excite me.

I, I, the pain is in my body already.

Yeah.

I've had two children.

I don't need to do these things.

It's in your heart also.

Period.

Yeah, I don't need it.

Yeah, totally.

But he needs to hurt himself.

And that's what I'm saying.

They're not hurting themselves.

It makes him think that they're young.

Is that what that is?

I think it is.

I think it's a clinging, right?

Don't you think it is?

It's something.

It's something where you're like, I'm

just suffering.

Why is the suffering?

You know, it's so funny.

So before you got here, Annie was saying that what makes a man gay is joy.

And being silly and joyful and enjoying things makes him gay.

And I think I agree with you.

When a guy's too happy, you're like, this guy's gay.

That's true.

Why are you smiling so much?

Yeah, why are you smiling all the time, bro?

It's true.

It's not fair that you can say the N-word like that.

It sounds so much better when he does that.

Go ahead.

You can say that.

No, I'm not going to say that.

You're going to say something.

No, I'm not.

I just got dragged on the internet for saying a bad word.

What did you say?

I was saying it in a good way.

I was saying that when people say the word T-R-A-N-N-Y,

that that is a thing that means

to me, it's so antiquated that it sounds like they're just saying drag queen.

Like, that's what I think of when people refer.

But they clipped it and made it look like I was saying that word, just throwing it out there and being like, and those people

are are just in drag

that's what they clipped in i got dragged any

isn't that crazy dude where did you say it i said it on stavi's podcast and stavi's all woke ass little bitch ass and he was like jordan whoa and i was like dude i get that you were on come town for years and you have to undo that but please put me some slack here

i do love him though people wanted me to be mad at him but i love him no he's great wait so why do you like to the suffering what is this

i will say I like a cold punch.

I like a cold punch because of the inflammation.

You know what you are?

You're a gender traitor.

Oh my God.

You're a gender traitor.

That should be the name of your next fucking special.

Gender traitor.

Gender traitor.

That's what I called.

I call many people that.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I call many people that.

I call many.

I think I called Robbie Hoffman a gender traitor.

Because they were like, I don't care what you identify me as, but you can choose what you want.

I'm like, just say woman so that you're a cool woman.

We need more cool women.

I've been doing it for years.

She is like the only fucking american i've met who has like doesn't still doesn't understand the game of football right

so whenever i'm watching football i'm the same way and there's a sideline reporter that's a woman she'll be like look at this fucking gender trader right i get that i get that i don't like that they're i don't like that they're with their tendrils and they're well i'm here on the sidelines and like they know football i know but i view a gender trader sometimes also people who

are

too feminine and like women who get giant lip fillers and fake tits.

I'm like, gender trader really yeah I've never heard it that way because you have to age we have to age like Native American chiefs all together we have to go one two three no more gooey gooey gum drops and they have to learn you guys have to learn to fuck our tiny little weird mouths and holes yeah and so sometimes when people are too feminine yeah oh that's true I know what you're saying yeah when it's taken to the absurd level they have to learn to like our our wrinkled pussies and our wrinkled mouths and you fuck this tiny little hole and I agree with you totally I get it totally I'm gonna stop doing all this shit to my fucking face are you doing face stuff well yeah the fact that you have to ask is really nice that's good

i had a brow lift oh i want that yeah you don't need it yet you're years away you look great you don't need any yeah philsies and botox and philsies where's the filsies lips cheeksies yours doesn't look like it at all i never would have guessed that's really good that means subtle that means it's subtle what about the lip flip i do lip not the flip i will not do the flip what's the flip

crazy hair oh it does you know people have accused me of lip filler and it's only because i have beautiful full lips isn't that crazy?

That's crazy.

That's crazy, yeah.

Especially when you want, but you're not doing anything.

You're just doing peptides and working out?

Yeah.

Yeah, he doesn't do that.

Do people accuse you of as MP?

Yeah, of course.

That sucks.

But I also tried to, like,

I did do a fast.

I did a five-day fast.

And then I went from that to shoot a movie.

And I was trying to tell, like, it's like,

it's all circumstances.

When you finish a fast, they're like, hey, when you go back to eating, start eating small, right?

Like, you don't go from not eating to like stuff.

And I just so so happened to end the fast, start shooting a movie.

And in a movie, if you're like in all these scenes, you're always like, yeah, I don't want to eat too much.

So I was like eating the way.

Oh, so you kept fasting.

Well, I just started eating like these like regular, like small portions

for six weeks.

And then I kept losing weight.

Oh, you basically fasted and then you did.

See, this is what I mean.

When I did the movie, I was in a movie.

I was in a movie.

I'll say it.

Everybody was going to be like, what movie are you in?

Bradley Cooper's movie.

Get the fuck out of here he's the biggest thing in the world i know he's very handsome what it was is it out is it coming out soon december 19th

oh my gosh

can we say what it's called

it's called he's so cute is this thing on and i'm not allowed to talk about it okay we're not talking about it i'm not allowed to talk about anything he looks so good he's had good work done yeah yeah i don't know if he's yeah oh yeah really good work done yeah yeah he's got great work done but on that set nobody was eating i ate everything oh you did they were like just like nobody was eating.

Everybody was nibbling.

I was like, give me everything.

I didn't eat fucking.

Oh, this is so cool.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm so excited.

That's going to be good.

Laura Dern's in it.

Oh, I love Laura Dern.

Look at that.

Amy Sederis.

She rolls.

She rolls.

Did you get to know her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's awesome.

She's obsessed with Amy Seder.

Where you are.

Jordan Jensen.

Where's her picture?

Where?

Oh, she's the ghost.

She's like, I'm casual.

I did not choose that picture.

Oh, you didn't choose this one?

What is Swampy?

Who's that?

Swampy?

Who's Swan Me?

I didn't need her.

That's

Swanmi Swampo?

Intense headshot, too.

Swan me sampeo.

Oh, she's Brazilian.

She's foreign.

Yesterday, because to celebrate the special, I said that I was going to have ice cream, and I went too hard.

How hard did you go?

Cookie dough mixed in with the toasted marshmallow ice cream

and chocolate fogin.

Both times that I've went to Ian's place to do your guys' podcast.

You've gone sicko mode.

I've gone sick.

I've gotten sick.

Yeah.

Yeah, with that chicken, chicken sandwich.

God damn it.

You loved it, though.

It was worth it.

It's the fucking best.

Yeah.

The best.

Look at this tiny ass dog.

Look at this shit.

I love this dog.

Isn't she the best?

Yeah.

You're on camera.

She met so many famous people she never even knows.

She was playing with Rogan yesterday.

Are you super stoked to have your special out?

Like, are you excited?

No.

No.

Not at all.

Nothing feels good.

No.

Bro, I mean, I'm like, it's miserable.

Yeah.

I'm so upset about getting dragged on Twitter.

I'm so upset about the breakup.

Well, you broke up?

I broke up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you didn't say that.

Dude, every time I see you, it's either I break, like, it's on and off constantly.

It's always on.

But it's off.

It's off, and I'm fucking.

How long has it been off now?

I don't know.

A couple weeks.

Ah, this is the standard.

No, but it sucks, dude.

I thought I would be like glowing.

I mean, the ice cream helped.

The ice cream's great.

But no, I'm sleepy.

I have a question.

Yes.

But when you break up, can you have sex with new people?

That seems like...

I don't have sex.

I don't sex.

I don't sex with the people.

I can't do it.

I I can't get myself out of bro mode, into sex mode.

Wow.

We need to chat.

What?

You be sexing?

Well, I'm like, too.

I'm like parameter holes.

Yeah.

Breast cancer.

I'm on so much.

That's what alcohol.

Just drink alcohol.

I know, but I'm on so much pros.

You can fuck some guy on the streets.

You know?

Yeah, but then you fuck them.

Here's what happens.

You go, I got to get over this.

And you fuck somebody.

And then you wake, you come to halfway through, not like out of a blackout, but just in lucidity.

And you realize there's some pig on you humping you.

And you go, who is this for?

Who is this for?

Me?

Because I'm not gonna come.

That's true, you know, yeah,

sure.

Yeah, and we want you to come, dude.

That's one of the big things we were talking about.

I hope Jordan comes.

Yeah, and it's like then you just realize you're you know what the problem is, dude?

What?

You're just

no, you're just not meeting the right guys.

I feel like we could just introduce you to some guys, and then maybe you would change your mind.

Cold Punch guys, no, okay, let's get you going.

But that's kind of, that's the guy you should be fucking.

Hold on.

Is that even though the cold punch talk annoys me

and the VR talk, you know, like that stuff.

Are you a VR guy, Don?

Yes.

He's fighting in Wars and Fallujah, babe.

Dude, I haven't even.

No, they gave me one for Christmas two years ago.

I haven't even seen that.

In Warsaw and Fallujah.

Well, yeah, I was not going to leave my guys fucking behind.

Yeah, okay.

I get that.

So, but I was on ships in bulk.

Like, it was fucking

crazy.

But you do want to have relationships and sex with alpha guys like that.

Like, is this guy like kind of like a beta guy?

I don't know what the fuck she's talking about.

You're like an alpha.

You're.

You're soft alpha.

You're not like a jerk alpha.

You are a soft alpha.

He is.

He is a soft alpha.

You are a soft alpha.

What does that even mean?

It means that you're dominant, but you're not a douchebag.

Okay.

You're a masculine.

Yeah,

you're not.

You'll stand up.

If somebody does something wrong to you, you'll be like, don't do that.

Yes.

That's good.

Yeah.

Right?

Great.

Won't you?

Say you will.

Say I'm an alpha.

Say I'm a strong man.

No, no,

definitely not doing that.

You're not gonna drag me on that.

All right, let me let me just like let's get you some men to consider, okay.

All right, they have to be like borderline, they have to be like pretty like Irish Catholic, okay, pretty shut down emotionally.

All right, I got a few for you.

Okay, okay, look at the screen, okay?

Okay,

excuse me,

excuse me.

Can I talk to you, please, girl?

Life feels like hell without a girlfriend.

Someone to talk to, always think about, to make me a better person and to bring the best out of me.

This guy needs a green card so bad.

To enjoy the past forever, young years together.

Forever, young years.

Drink, have passionate and hardcore sex every day and every night.

Yeah, dude.

Hardcore sex.

I'm trying to sweat, girl.

I want to lose some face fans.

I think he has a mixture of lyrics he's reading from.

There's nothing wrong with being horny, girl.

Thick and pink.

Whoa, whoa.

And grip my hands on your thighs, baby, and rub it up and down.

Here's the deal.

If that's a bit, he's my husband.

It's not a bit.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I know exactly.

If it was, incredible.

It's incredible.

Like the guy who does, you've seen the guy who puts his bare feet up behind him and he goes, hello, princess.

That guy is doing a bit.

Yeah, you love it.

I'd marry him.

Yeah.

Because he's able to do that.

He was able to do that.

He's around, right?

That guy is reading R ⁇ B lyrics.

He's just listening to rap in his weird car, buying fucking whatever Mercedes jewelry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and just trying to get a wife so he can stay in America so he can keep his bodego.

Do you like Persian guys?

Because that's, I think, what this is.

Yeah, he's he's glendale gear no i like the rugs they make but that's exclusively it okay all right well let's let's let's pivot my vagina is pretty racist is it i'm not i love all people but my vagina likes well irish catholic anything else that's pretty much all i've ever done jesus christ really bad that's it really you've only done you've never sampled another flavor i've sampled i've sampled but in relationships it's always irish catholic raised to keep their feelings inside you like that and they cry single tears tears.

Hold on.

You were raised by two women.

Wasn't like feelings talk a big thing amongst the three of you?

It was

my mom is a dad and my dad is a dad.

And

you know what I mean?

So it was two dads, basically, because one's a bulldyke and one's a man.

And then the mothers were disrespected.

The other mother was like, she's emotional.

And I'd be like, yeah, she's a fucking dumb dyke.

You know?

So I was taught to not respect the emotions because my mom was the swaggy one.

My mom is cool as hell.

Yeah.

My mom met Tom and like blew him off.

No, like

she was awesome.

She was like talking, she was like talking about something and he comes over and I'm like, oh my god, mom is going to get all Twitter painted because she loves you.

And she came over and she's like, yeah.

And then the fucking, the fucking Iran conflict over here.

Listen to me.

I was like, she didn't pivot.

She wasn't at all like, oh, Tom, hello.

She just kept ranting.

She was great.

She was great.

She's great.

All right, how about this guy?

This is a different guy.

Okay, I've been on here.

I've been for a lot of people.

I've been kind.

I've been honest and sincere.

I'd like to have some

right on my lips.

I would like to have

some titties around my face.

I would like to have some sex.

I like this man.

I'd like to have a woman in my home.

Yeah, in my home.

Look at the screen on his computer is a woman.

It's Rachel Madden.

He likes Rachel Madden.

It's brave.

They don't

Oh, I'll make you come.

See?

I

last lady 10, 15 times before I even went boom once.

Oh, maybe I am gay, dude.

This is pulling me in the opposite direction.

Really brutal.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Just the idea that this is the inner monologue of most men.

Just a quiet old man going, I want nookie.

I want kitties on my titties, on my bass, and on my wheelies.

Yeah.

Is really like that's just behind all of your pulp punging is just a creepy guy in glasses going, I want pussy.

That's in every man's.

I know.

I can see that.

I can see the way the fish eyes.

I would like to have.

And also,

I don't like his gross exaggeration that I just picked up on and we watched him.

Yeah.

He goes, oh, I made her come 15 times.

We can't even do that.

We can't even do that.

Honestly.

We can't.

I've seen it.

So

you've seen it in a porn where she said, watch me come 15 guys.

Hey, you 15 guys.

You're going to make me come 15.

Every one of you.

Yes.

Okay, so that guy, you're passing on.

Yeah.

Well, shit.

That's kind of a bummer.

I know, I thought you.

I'll make this brief.

My name is John Yu Shipman.

I'm looking for girls for pussy.

I'd love to eat pussy.

Okay.

Okay.

You know?

He looks a a little Irish if you're in a fat guys

You're looking for some action you live in Missouri

Please

call me please at 157

text me

at 163 I like the way he's talking with his mouth like this

wing time machine out of beef jerky

See I want a girl who can work blunt with her broken

time machine out of beef jerky's John call me John at one 155.

John's kind of close to what I'm into.

Do you like ambitious men?

Yeah.

You do?

Sex swing out of jerky?

Yeah, that's pretty impressive.

But like a guy that really has

high aspirations like this other guy.

Hello, my name is Matthew Garapic, and I'm a candidate for president in 2032.

As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate.

Must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds.

Jesus.

Primarily for a white or a Spanish woman.

So far, dude.

If you feel like you have a chance at becoming one of the lucky ladies that will be my first lady when I run for president in 2032, please email an application of some photos and where you're from to Garapic2032FirstLady at gmail.com.

I'll have my staff reach out to you if you seem to be a good fit.

I like this.

Remember, in 2032, we'll vote for Matthew Garipic.

I like this because

he's setting his boundaries.

He knows what he wants.

He does know what he wants.

Yeah.

And we already have a

We have a profile for you that we're going to email in.

Really?

Yeah, if you sign off on it, yeah.

Okay, great.

We got photos.

We got like.

Yeah, just to see if...

I'm on Raya.

You are?

Nightmare.

Is it?

Yeah.

Tell us about it.

It's fucking...

I'll show.

Oh, I can't show.

You're doing this too?

I know.

Dude, you are.

Gender trader.

I know.

Wait a minute.

Tell us about Raya.

It's, dude, who would ever want to date a guy with a headshot?

You know what I mean?

it's brutal and he has to have one he does a headshot from yeah from doing that but these are guys like with photography photos that are not even actors oh yeah oh oh I thought they were hat they had to be actors they're like

they're like can I show yeah yeah yeah yeah I thought they had to be show business people we just won't we won't put them on blast but we'll look

they're like

I think they can't be on blast because they're names.

Well, you know what I mean?

We're not going to show the camera, right?

No, it won't load because there's no servers near.

But they're like,

they're beautiful, and they know they're beautiful.

And the photos that have been taken of them are to show that they're beautiful.

This I don't like.

I don't like it when a man knows he's attractive.

That's the most unattractive quality.

It's brutal.

Hinge is great for me.

It's just a bunch of dirtbags, but I can't be on Hinge now.

Wait a minute.

You just got through telling us, though, that, like, I don't want just to, like, meet somebody and bang them, right?

So

are you saying you're using these for the potential of a long-term relationship?

You are.

Okay.

Yeah.

But

you're just going to reconnect with your.

I'm not.

You are.

I'm not.

That's the last time.

That is not the last time.

It's the last time.

How many times is it?

What about this?

How many times?

What about this?

Nine or so?

Really?

It's a lot.

You guys are not.

I totally lost count.

Yeah, it's a lot.

What if I give you something if I do?

Like, I have to.

Yeah, can we do something like that?

That would actually help me.

All right, Kaiser.

Oh, my God.

Dude, this is fucked up.

One time I lost her in the woods, and I told my dead dad that if he returned to her, I would never talk to him again.

I did talk to him again.

Oh, you're dead.

But she's returned.

But then I talked to him again.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Oh, she's going Chinese.

I love when she goes Chinese, man.

That's also going to get you dragged on the internet.

What?

She's going to be a little Miyazaki.

No, what's the guy's name from Karate Kid?

Miyagi.

Miyagi.

This is Miyagi Doggy.

Miyagi Daggi.

May I ask you,

what causes

if you could give me broad strokes, what causes the breakups?

If it's a return, relationship, it is an avoidant.

It's just an avoidant.

It's just, we just get to a certain place and he goes, nope, too much.

And it gets too, too emotionally close.

You guys are too close.

He gets scared.

It's like everything's fine.

And then all of a sudden, I'm like, hey,

there's a need that I have.

And he goes, this is a little bit too much for me.

And I go, well, this is a relationship.

And he goes, well, I don't even know if I want a relationship.

And I was like, well, we're in a relationship.

And then it gets, it's just an avoidant.

He's just a, and I'm anxious.

So the more he pulls away, instead of being like, you take your space, I'll talk to you in a few days.

I go, Is everything okay?

And he goes, I need to put, you know, it's the classic.

Someone and it's addicting, and then it resets, and then it resets.

Yeah,

yeah.

So, next week, when you guys are together again,

I have to get, we need to do like a deal.

What's our deal going to be?

Like, a thousand dollars or something.

No, no, no, you make too much.

I already know.

Fuck, it's nothing to you.

The dog is good.

Yeah.

What about you give me something if I make it a year?

A year?

Yeah.

What do I give you?

Something good.

Something good.

Your wife.

Sure.

What do you got?

You got something?

You got something good?

I got some good stuff.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm trying to think of a watch.

I want a watch.

You want like a fucking drill bit.

Yeah.

So

how about I buy you a crazy tool set?

That would be pretty good.

Yeah.

Okay, just how about, oh, even if you just say there'll be a prize if I make it a year.

There'll be a prize.

That'll help.

Wait, do you really want to watch?

Yeah.

I could see you rocking a cool watch.

Yeah.

I love when you have watches.

I just don't.

I don't know what watch to get.

I got one was stupid.

What'd you get?

One from Psycho.

Seiko.

Seiko.

Yeah.

Okay.

I like it.

Wait, what?

Do you like a metal bracelet or do you like a leather or rubber strap?

Metal.

You like metal?

Yeah.

I know what you should get.

Really?

Yeah, we'll talk about it off air.

Okay, so you'll get me that in a year.

I'm poor.

So yeah, we'll talk about it.

Okay, great.

Are you into carpentry?

Yeah, yeah.

You really are?

I mean, I did it for so long that now I'm fucking not.

I did it as a job so much that now when people are like, help me build it, I'm like, oh, fuck yourself.

You can legit build things like bookshelves and stuff.

Yeah.

Wow.

They're not great.

They're not like ornate, you know, they're not like that, but I can build you a bookshelf.

We're looking for a year.

You're going to take a year off?

Dude, if there's a hold on, you're going to say it.

I will go a year

if there's a prize.

There's a prize.

There's a good prize.

Really?

Yeah, substantial.

Do you think a year is too long?

Should we set it?

No.

Oh, you like the year.

Yeah, let's not reduce the time.

okay.

What's the date?

September 9th, my special came out.

That's how we remember.

Okay, damn.

So, you're telling me we're looking at next fall.

I if I keep doing this, I will die.

I know you will.

You saw me, we were off stage.

I'm in his little fucking baby bed.

What was that thing called?

The coffin in the tour, what's that thing called where we sleep in the tour bus?

Oh, it's just crying in the tour bus, crying in the tour bus.

Your little cute video editor guard, Find me in the green.

I'm about to do a fucking arena with Tom Zegora.

Best day ever.

Yesterday, best day ever.

Fucking dealing with ex.

It's crazy.

It's got to stop.

It's got to stop.

It only leads to bad things.

It makes me miserable.

He's my best friend.

I love him so much.

But as a relationship, it does not work.

He rules.

He's so funny.

I would never say any negative things about him, but we are fire and water.

We are oil and water.

What if in this one year?

Whenever the things are bad, in this one year,

you could meet somebody who was emotionally available to you.

because i need like a year i think to just be jordan because i've been spending my whole life chasing boys you know i know i have it's crazy it's too long it's like well i was like i always tell ladies not tom so just don't listen like it you when he drops dead i'm not even gonna no no no no no no no you use his money to do fun things well yeah but like i don't know who these these i see these women on instagram that are my age and they're like newly divorced and their pussies are on fire and they have got multiple kids and they're like i'm out dating and having sex it's like why why do you want to eat?

Aren't you done?

Yeah.

You've already had the kids.

You're in menopause.

Yeah.

When are you going to just shut it down?

It's crazy.

Just stop.

It's because they're stunted emotionally, I think.

Oh.

Like my mom is like, I'm never fucking again.

That's crazy.

I have two pit bulls.

Just not go with me at night.

I'm good.

And that's nice.

Yeah, that's where I want to do it.

You had a mohawk?

My best friend growing up had a mohawk and I just had the.

Short hair, green hair.

Yeah.

But I never did a full mohawk.

I feel like I gel.

That's something you should do at some point.

At some point?

Maybe you should do it this year.

Because my hair is like the only thing I have is this, is my lustrous hair.

You have great hair.

That's really fun.

You've got great tattoos, great arms.

You're very good shape.

This, Chinese dog.

Tea, Chinese dog.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah, no, I want to spend a year fucking just being.

Rob, Rob.

That's her.

That's her barking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is her barking.

That's how she barks.

She goes,

oh no

yeah she loves it i'm really excited for my watch in a year yeah year passes fast in comedy it does

fast i already have it picked out for you too really yes okay i'm super excited if we stay broken up no like getting back together but then breaking up you have to be honest about it i will i will what about sexes if they make sex what do you mean if we make sexes

i consider getting back together i don't do so you gotta define getting back together.

I do either.

We're getting back together.

You're not gonna have sex with me.

All right.

Yeah.

I believe her.

I believe her.

And she probably will be thrilled with her new boyfriend.

Hey, how y'all doing, baby?

Are these things?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm feeling that.

Look here.

Y'all missed that ball?

Huh?

I feel like I know that.

Guess what?

I'm coming at y'all fat age.

Yeah.

I feel like this guy works at the comedy though.

What is he called?

Okay.

I like drawers.

Saying drawers instead of pussy.

I love that.

Using every other word to describe body parts and then saying I want to stick my ear down.

Yay, look, I want to dig in your booty.

Okay.

So that could, he I know personally.

Really?

Yeah, I could actually link you up.

You know that guy?

I do.

I went to visit him.

For real.

Okay.

And he's

a really nice guy.

He looks really nice.

He wants to stick the tongue in dad ass.

Yeah.

And he'll put ice cream in it.

Really?

Yeah, corn chips.

That's nice at the same time.

Can we show her like some fun TikToks or something else?

I don't know.

You need to be cleansed.

Yeah, it feels so dirty.

Look at the princess guy.

How do we look that guy up?

The princess guy?

Um, hello, princess.

How do we look that guy up?

You'll love him.

Can you find him?

Hello, princess.

Hello, cringe, princess.

Hello, princess.

I can't believe you guys.

There he is.

Oh, you guys are amazing.

Oh, princess.

You're looking mighty fine to

miss the occasion.

Or do you like to just give daddy wander elections?

If that's the case,

clapping the feet.

I can tell this guy

I can tell him off camera.

It rules.

Why don't you date this guy?

Well,

I think he's good.

Oh my god, he's so good at being awful.

Yeah, yeah.

That's so good.

That is a skill.

That is good.

The feet clap.

The feet clap.

He does it in every video.

He does that character.

But I found one that's just him being normal.

Yeah.

And it's not that guy.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's a feet clap.

How about this guy?

That's brilliant.

Americans, I do a lot of hard work out here.

Smart women.

This has nothing to do with

that.

She's one of the best chicks I ever had in my life hanging out with me.

We were never boyfriend and girlfriend on a chariot like that.

We were fuck partners.

I took it an hour at a time, is what I told her.

Go an hour at a time.

So what I'm looking for now

is like a hundred to to a hundred and ten pound

beautiful fucking tiny ass

with almost deformed looking big boobs.

Yeah, you and every other man alive.

I'm more of an ass man.

I went to that little pass fucking hat.

Oh my god, dude, he's the man

so scary

pieces on a white chariot or so, I imagine.

Anyways,

that's what I'm looking for

this is fucked up this guy's rad I seem to never can find it

he's a pretty aggressive guy it's so fucked up you know yeah that's crazy that that how do you feel that guy being a part of your gender I feel great that I we don't have that

we have some scary girls we have some scary girls but they're not there I feel like there's so many more cool guys than there are cool girls do you know what I'm saying like there's more of these dirt bags on the internet it's rare when we find a woman.

Yeah.

It's a special occasion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you, how do you feel that the majority of your representatives are just bad?

It's a total acceptance.

You know, it's just like one of those things where you go, like, I get it.

You know, like, dogs bark.

You know what I mean?

Like, you just go, like, yeah, we're filled with you're so much closer to chimpanzees than us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You really are closer.

And guys are, you know.

We're, we are what ruins life.

Like we're the provokers, we're violent.

Or we kill kill stuff.

I hate when people say female relationships.

Every comic does this, but they'll be like, females are so much more catty in their relationships.

And I'm like, there might be inter-turmoil, but we solve it quickly and then are closer than ever.

Whereas you guys just stab each other to death.

Oh, it's over.

We get in the girl's bathroom.

We go, what the fuck did you say to me when he said that thing?

And we go, you're a fucking bitch.

She's a fucking.

And then we deal with it on Coke later.

But you guys, it's just a shank, silent.

And it's over.

And then that's worse to me.

Yeah, it gets miserable.

But guys also, I feel like

women who have arguments with other women, see, I don't think a lot of times it's over.

They go, like, she's a bitch, that a daddy.

Oh, we'll tell everybody about it.

But also, like, I hate her forever.

Whereas guys, sometimes, like, the battle, blah, blah, blah, there's a punch thrown, something physical, and then they're like, it's all good.

We're good.

You know,

he's right about that.

I think they accept each other as they are more than women do.

Because they'll be friends with people that suck as people.

And they're like, yeah, that's just what that guy is.

That's who that guy is.

But whereas women, I wouldn't be friends with a piece of shit.

You know what I mean?

Guys are more willing to be friends with pieces of shit.

Yeah, that's true.

They're like, whatever.

And then you just know that's a guy for this space.

In other words, there's guys that I'm friends with who I would never have at my house.

Yeah.

You know, I'm like, yeah, you can't fucking bring that guy to the house.

Yeah.

He's fucking out of his mind.

Yeah, totally.

But I'm still like, oh, he has a good friend of mine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that kind of shit.

Right.

You're like, that guy's totally not someone to bring around.

We have friends like that, though.

We have friends who are like, oh, she's a complete sociopath.

Soul soul.

True.

But

we are getting our nails done together.

Yeah.

True.

Compartment.

Yeah, maybe.

You compartmentalize.

We all do.

But they're not in close circle.

They're not in my close.

No.

You said you wanted an alpha male, right?

Check out how this guy handles situations.

This man's social skills, Greyhound, is about that of about a retard.

I asked him, Where's the Greyhound bus?

I love him so much.

That's my husband.

Yeah.

I think that guy'd be great.

Oh, shit.

Here he comes again.

Step away from me.

Sounds like Chris Farley talking.

He's awesome.

Yeah.

It's just meth.

I like that.

I like when people get mad in public.

Me too.

That's one of my favorite lenses.

That's the best.

I get mad in public a lot, and I like when people will back me up on it.

It's kind of nice.

Yeah.

All right.

You want to show what you've curated?

Please.

So, are you on TikTok?

Cool, guys.

I have somebody who posts on TikTok.

But if you've ever

spent time looking around,

your algorithm gets built by what you like and look for.

And so a lot of people, it's kind of nice.

It's like, oh, here's some kids putting together a dance routine to this pop hit.

Yes, yes.

And then Christina has a different mind.

Yeah.

He doesn't understand, and you understand this because you studied philosophy.

I like to identify and highlight the marginalized communities.

That makes sense.

People that spin on it are not normally represented in everyday culture.

Yes, you like to find the underbelly.

Thank you.

Society.

The outliers, if you will.

That makes sense.

The people who are going to

see some outliers?

Today, being retarded means leading a full life.

Retarded people go to work or school just like their neighbors.

This is kind of an old school banger.

Yeah.

Yes.

Being retarded never stopped anyone from being a good neighbor.

Don't you miss the days when retarded people were more integrated into society like this?

Yeah, I do.

When they had whole houses to themselves, yeah,

we had a retard house on our block.

You did?

Full of retards walk by every day.

They'd be like, and you'd be like, yeah.

And yeah, they'd let them out for walks and stuff.

It was awesome.

That's awesome.

But where are they?

Where are the retarded people now?

I feel like they're hidden.

I think they're doing open mics.

They're doing a lot of comedy.

They're at that mothership.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah.

There's definitely some retarded people.

Some of them are doing very well.

Yeah.

They're doing really, really well.

They guys sold out the weekend.

That's crazy.

Totally.

Totally.

Good.

Hi.

You all know who I am.

It's Friday afternoon here.

You all know?

Other places Friday night or Saturday morning or Saturday afternoon even.

So

have a good weekend, everyone.

Bye for now.

I have seen that guy.

Yeah.

I love that he just explained how there's time zones.

He's like, sometimes it's Friday here.

And he got off.

He hit it.

And then it said, do you want to clip it up a little bit?

Maybe add a caption.

He goes, yeah, of course.

And then he uploaded it, waited while TikTok was open for it to upload and went.

I did that.

It's perfect.

That's good.

This is what I want.

That's crazy.

But also, like, I just think it's so annoying to like, who are you to tell me to have a good weekend?

Like, you're telling me, well, I don't need it from you to have a good week, have a good weekend.

Like, who the fuck are you?

I hate that.

Don't tell me to have a good weekend.

I do hate that.

But I know you love when somebody goes, hey, how come you're not smiling?

That's the best.

I love that.

And I don't get mad at all.

I don't yell things.

I don't yell.

I don't don't go, I don't, well, who the fuck are you?

What are you, my fucking dad?

Even my dad wouldn't even fucking say that.

What are you, the smile fucking politicians I hate that so much.

This guy the other day, he goes, he goes, what's up, baby?

And I went like this.

And he goes, don't look so mad.

And I was like, then don't say dumb fucking shit.

And my friend was like, Jordan, stop.

That's like a massive man.

I get so mad, dude.

So do I.

I get so mad.

So do I.

Some women forget, though, that big crazy guys will sometimes act out, you know?

Oh, yeah.

That happens a lot.

I've had many friends be like, you have no idea if that guy has a gun yeah yeah i know i've gotten spit on that was when i learned my lesson wait where did you get spit on i was

there was somebody in a car that like laid their the other day i fucking like three days ago i uppercut a guy's mirror what but then you know it sucked it just did the like

yeah really it just went why did you uppercut his mirror because we were walking it was in manhattan we're walking through a fucking crosswalk all these people have sometimes you make the decision like hey there's a lot of people and we're just gonna push yeah and he just started rolling forward into my body.

So I just stood in front of his car and he kept rolling forward.

So then I went around and just punched his mirror, thinking I would break it, forgetting that they go in.

And then I punched it.

It went in.

So then I punched it a few more times, still didn't break.

Was like, well, I'm going to walk away.

Walked away, went and sat down because I was shaking.

Old couple comes up to me and they're like, hey, are you okay?

And I was like, yeah, that was embarrassing.

I'm really upset that all of fucking Manhattan just saw me do that.

And they're like, we're on your side.

That was, he was crazy.

And I was like, thank you.

Yeah.

It was so sweet.

Wait, wait, when did you get spit on?

That's a different time?

The spitting was, I was, this, I mean, it happens all the time, but I was, there was somebody, oh, I was on a bike and somebody was, maybe it was the motorcycle,

bike or motorcycle, and some guy was in my way.

Or no, he was pulling into the bike lane.

Like he was weaving into the bike lane and his window was down.

And I was like, what are you a fucking piece of shit?

Like something like that.

And he just,

and I was like, fuck.

And I got to my friend Chloe's house and was like, I have to shower for 11 years right now.

I think that, but see, what you're describing too is New York City crazy, which really is a specific brand and flavor.

Yeah.

You don't get it everywhere.

But LA has it.

You don't get it everywhere.

LA's got car-to-car rage.

You will fucking fucking fuck.

And then you guys will like, I angled off once, like to get into a lane with a guy.

That's good.

Yeah, but

physical stuff doesn't happen as much, right?

In LA, wouldn't you argue?

I feel like that's New York because you're outside.

In LA, you are not in touch physically with as many people.

That annoys me so much.

In New York, you are with

the subway.

I just was in L.A.

and they lay on the horn, hits green.

I'm driving a stick shift, okay?

I get that I said motorcycle and stick shift in a lot in one sentence, okay?

But I, so I have to put it in gear to go.

Every fucking time I put it in gear, there's the person

behind me with a giant Stanley cup and keychains on her thing.

And I'm like, if you were in New York, you'd get shot right now.

You would never be able to lay on a horn that long.

Laying on a horn like that is gang violent.

People are very, very very crazy open with the horn.

So then I would, every time I would just sit at the light if they lay on the horn, and I would just wait until time red.

I was in the valley and I was at the um, I was at the left-hand turning lane, right?

So like you're going to turn left at a light.

Okay.

The uh

the car in front of me has a overweight man in a convertible.

Nice.

And then there's a car in front of him that's in the intersection.

You follow?

Yeah.

The convertible big guy lays on the horn.

Yeah.

Oh.

Okay.

The car that's in front makes the turn, then the big guy, then me.

The car that's in the very front kind of lingers.

And the big guy in the convertible turns into the bank.

And then I watch the guy that was in front go around.

And I was going to the bank.

So I pull into the bank.

So now I'm seeing this whole thing unfold.

What happened?

Slapping.

The guy that got honked at steps out of his car.

He's like 6'4.

Yes.

Black dude.

Yes.

Sunglasses on.

He's got a chick in the passenger side.

Love this.

He just walks over to the guy in the fat guy in the Miyato.

The fat guy in the little coat.

He's like, who the fuck you honking at, you fat fuck?

Yes, yes.

And the guy just sat there and was like, ah.

Yes.

Yes.

And then I was like, this dude, like, you just feel like you're about to watch.

a beat down or something.

He just walked out.

And he goes, just stay miserable, you fat fuck.

Yes, dude.

And then he just got in his car and drove up.

And that guy was just like, he just sat there for a minute.

And I was like, I got to go make a deposit.

That's so sick.

Yeah, yeah.

But I watched the whole thing unfold.

I love that.

That woman sucked the shit out of his cockley.

Yeah, you think so?

Yeah.

Or you think she's like, it's always scary when you do that.

When you pull into places and threaten people.

It's scary.

Yeah, you're right.

She was probably like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's more about what you

think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think a lot of women would be like, this was terrifying.

But not the peaceful protest I really like.

Yeah, yeah.

Stay miserable is so sick.

I remember he said it.

Oh my god.

And he said he enjoyed something like you stay in your miserable fat fuck life, you know.

I like that.

I respect that.

I like that a lot.

I like words.

I do like, I'd rather have words than something.

A harsh word.

Can I yell down

shit,

which I would never say.

Yes.

And a bit of,

but that's what happened.

Yeah.

So that's a video of me.

Yeah, yeah.

That's me on stage getting dragged because an intrusive thought took over.

uh-huh.

Yeah, I totally get what that woman

says.

She said I would never say something, she said it perfectly

again slang iteration of it, you know.

I wonder what this is in relation to.

I love that.

I gotta know this backstory.

I know that feeling so well where you just blurt something out, and you're like, No.

She was at Freak Fest, she didn't know it was happening that week, and she was like, Oh shit, this sucks.

They took over the hotel, and that's what she got mad at.

I love how that's what happened.

No, okay, okay, okay.

I'm out.

Can we see it again?

Sure, I'm so surprised.

And I yelled out nickels eat shit, which I would never say.

That's awesome.

Yeah,

that's what happened.

I love the defeated.

That's what happened.

She can't defend herself.

I know all about that.

I say shit all the time just because my brain is like, what have you fucking?

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

Oh, yeah.

You're a comedian.

That's what happens.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's impulse control.

It's impulse control.

And then here's the thing.

You don't, you, you, when they go, someone goes, why would you say that?

They don't realize that it's currency.

In other words, sometimes when you say the impulsive, totally wrong thing, it's so funny.

Yeah.

So that you go, oh, sometimes I should just let this thing fly.

Yeah.

Right.

And then you go, oh, I guess not all the time.

Yeah.

And then you feel shame when it

and words ain't shit.

Yeah.

When you say the wrong thing, and then you're like, then you do a documentary about it.

Yeah.

There was one time where I thought.

It's amazing.

And also, whenever this was filmed, why was she saying that in relation to that?

That's what I got got.

Not knowing the story is.

Can you guys look up the backstory?

Yeah, was it a carnival cruise?

Why did she do this?

And she looked at it.

How did she know to put those words together?

That's my question.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not an old person expression.

Not at all.

Are you sure it's ain't shit or eat shit?

No, ain't shit.

You think she knew the phrasing?

That's what I'm saying.

This looks old.

She just said it.

I know.

It's old.

It's like, I don't even think she was listening to the rap music that taught it to her.

No, I don't, I don't, maybe we're hearing it wrong.

It's possible that it's dubbed over.

Is it AI?

Is it dubbed over?

Yeah, it could be dubbed over.

I heard it just fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe just one more time?

What did you hear, Annie?

Oh, she said it.

She said niggas ain't shit.

And it's definitely from rap.

What is it?

I'm thinking it's from rap.

Can I ask you this?

What do you think the story is for her?

Like, what is your imagination of what the context of this story might be?

She was angry at black people.

No way.

Being loud.

Loud somewhere.

Why would you say ain't shit?

But ain't shit is like.

She was trying to think.

I think that she wanted to say something that was reasonable, that wasn't super racist.

She's like, what do they say?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But how would she

know that phrase?

On the radio.

Do you think the stories, maybe she was like, I was at Applebee's, I was trying to get my meal, and then this group of them were being very distracting, and I was like, and then they called me a bitch, and then I was like, y'all ain't shit.

Like something like that.

Because black people don't like Apple Beach.

You know what I'm saying?

It's Outpack Steakhouse.

Oh, you know what it probably was?

There was, there was many, there was black people yelling at her for something.

She's yelling at them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're talking in Black Scan, right?

They're saying stuff.

They're like, bitch, you ain't shit.

And she goes, blah, blah, blah and shit.

To be like, you're not.

She code switched.

Yeah.

As many are

like a near elderly person to do that is what's the most standout.

Yeah.

But I've seen that when hosts go up and they take a black comic off stage.

You've seen that.

An old old comic being like, anyway, y'all,

that comic is sick.

Keep it up going for the next guy.

And you're like, uh-oh.

Yeah, he switched up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sure.

I will say she definitely fucks black dudes, though.

That's not her first time saying that.

Yeah.

Because that's not her first time saying that.

She said it very comfortably.

Yeah.

Again, by the way.

She said it in a way that she's had some boyfriends that she said, you ain't shit to.

Because here's the deal, man.

I wouldn't, in a million years, never know to say that phrase.

And I've heard the things.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I'll tell you what I would do.

I would never think.

I would never do a documentary interview about the time I said it.

And then say it again.

And then say it again.

I would be like, I don't know.

Do you have tape of that?

Because I don't remember saying that.

Yeah.

She's volunteering it.

I'd be stupid enough to repeat it.

Yeah, you would.

Do you find anything, Zolo?

Can't find anything on it, but I'll keep digging it.

It's got to be a dub over or later.

No, I don't think so, dude.

One more time.

Let's look at her lips while she's saying that.

Yeah, okay.

And I yelled out, Nicazi shit.

No, that's there.

It is.

What she's saying, dude.

Ever.

And it is, but that's what happened.

I love, but that's what happened.

Also,

what happened?

It's what happened is a small way of saying it's not what I said, it's what's happened.

In other words, it's almost like I...

I'm not taking full accountability.

Some shit happened.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some shit went down.

Well, what is the world in which you're not responsible for it?

Like, you're so unexpected.

Well, you know, you're so unelected.

You're trying to not be fully accountable.

So, what you do is you're like, and that's what happened.

That's what happened.

I heard that, and I felt like what she was saying is like, I mean, that's what it is, though.

Right.

You know, like, that's

shit.

You know they ain't shit, and that's why I said it.

Yeah, like, that's my next video.

Right, right.

Right, bro.

Sorry,

wow.

Like, I spoke.

I spoke truth to power.

And that's not on me.

That's a crazy point.

I said the thing that everybody's thinking.

Yeah.

Because she should have been like, because you know, to the interviewer, you know,

shit, right?

That's the end of the clip.

That's the full clip.

And that's what happened.

That's what happened.

I like that.

Wait, did you find something?

Did you find it?

No.

Josh?

I think I did.

I think.

That's what happened.

It looks like it's from this video on the music.

Oh, yes.

Oh, she does have a Massachusetts accent.

This is making a lot more sense.

Okay.

So this was probably.

here she is oh my god well done this is the busing crisis in Boston integrating

whites

who didn't send their kids to public schools there is kid kennedy and a few other jerks that would appear on television telling us we're telling us what to do with that gift

All over the country where forced busing went into effect, there was resistance from both whites and blacks.

We We are in a war, and we're going to win this one.

But nowhere did the conflict remain as bitter as at South Boston High.

South Boston.

In December, a white student, 17-year-old Michael Faith, was stabbed, and all hell broke loose.

And that's what happened.

All bearded stuff.

He looked just like a mommy, and he had blood all over him.

And I yelled out, Nicazi shit, which I would never say

in a village.

But that's what happened.

It totally is what happened.

Maybe it's an old.

It's older than we think it is.

Well, this is, I mean, it's about the 70s.

It was probably filmed.

This looks like it's at least 25 years old.

That we would die.

But she did mean to say it.

You're right, Annie.

God,

she 100% meant to say it.

Yeah.

She was doing those raps.

Yeah, she meant it as bad as we think.

She just is a little bit of a G

and she said it like that.

Like she's a little bit, she's a little bit in the rap culture.

But this is from 1970.

She said it the way that like NWA says it, you know, like which is crazy.

It's like a hard Z.

She did not say it like an angry racist white lady.

She said it like.

This was in 1970, she said.

Yeah.

So she was ahead of her time.

She was way ahead of time.

She was way ahead of her time.

Yeah.

She went on to work with her.

In the context, she said somebody was stabbed and they were wrapped like a mummy.

And then she was like, you know, who ain't shit?

Yeah.

that's crazy.

That is what she did.

Yeah, did this lady come up with that phrase?

That's what I'm thinking.

Wow,

that would be crazy.

It's really

all right.

I have to wrap up in a second, so let's watch a couple more.

I know we gotta get going.

This was so good, so fun.

Oh, yeah, this was awesome.

Protesting property taxes.

This is a good thing.

He gave the finger.

Breakdancing at a town meeting.

This is, he's filibustering, I'm assuming.

Yeah.

and

the guy behind him with the hand on the forehead like this silly guy i would be shitting i would be laughing so hard i would never be able to keep it in the kick you out of the room i would love this so much i love this so much me too this makes me feel okay living another day oh my god the breath out that he was like thank you so that was really good I can tell he did a really good job.

Look how upset the white guys are.

The elite whites are so mad.

Uh-oh.

Did you know I can do the backspin?

Anybody?

Anybody?

You want me to do the backspin?

Oh, my God.

Say yes.

Somebody nods.

When somebody asks,

you say yes.

I'm going to do the back spin.

I'm going to do the back spin.

Anybody?

Encourage the man.

Oh, shit.

He can do it.

That was good.

The moan.

One guy laughing.

This guy is.

One goes sick.

He has a wedding ring.

He's been married.

We were told the referendum was going to bring it up for an average household about $400,

I think.

And mine went up like $900.

Damn.

And I think

we were told like that was from the schools or something.

But the school referendum said it would only go up, you know, like I said.

Well, I think he got his point across.

That was really cool.

That was rad.

Really, really cool guy.

It was so fun on a bunch.

You know what's crazy is that if he just brings that up without the break dancing, it stays like just in this room.

Yeah, because he broke the break dancing, it became a national like everybody has seen this guy do this.

And now everybody knows the cause.

Yeah, and now it's $900 versus $400.

Right, the injustice.

That's good.

I know.

I got a good Irish Catholic guy for you.

I can't believe it's in your folder.

This guy.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, look at this guy.

He's on the East Coast, too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, y'all.

Jordan, don't even.

You know, it's really.

We've really strayed far from God.

Oh, wow.

Here's the thing, though, Jordan, is that

you're never going to find him.

Is it Jesus?

He's elusive.

We've been trying to get a hold of him for 15 years.

He won't talk to us.

Listen, just I just want you to reach out to him.

Do you want to hear this guy fart?

Please say yes.

Yes, yes.

I have a bunch of his farts.

No, you don't.

Yeah, it's King Ashripper.

He's the king.

No, he is King Ashripper.

He won't talk to us.

This is him, okay?

Wow.

Isn't that crazy?

That's one take.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

And then he even does.

I'm farting on you haters.

I'm farting on you haters.

And he'll fart on his food sometimes and eat it.

I went on on a rant about the shark inspired by you.

Yeah.

Me just yelling at you being like, you shit your pants.

Dude, that's in my act.

Yeah.

That you shit your pants?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's crazy that you were like, I was like, did the air ride poop particles?

Yeah.

I was talking about this because somebody, I was talking about how all men shit their pants.

And then I was like, also this word shart.

Like, I thought that you guys were, poop particles were riding wind.

And you're like, no, I just thought I was farting and a little shit and shit came out instead of fart.

And And I'm like,

that's just shit.

That's just shit.

Yeah.

That's a very interesting story.

You made me realize that.

It's crazy.

I give you credit.

Okay, good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Because you really came out.

And I was like, was it a stream?

And you're like, yeah, a short.

And I'm like, no, my diaper was full.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

Listen, she is one of literally my favorite.

She's one of the funniest people working today.

You can go see her live, JordanJensonComedy.com, but for sure, check out the new Netflix special, Take Me With You.

It's on Netflix, already getting rave reviews.

Podcast, being Ian with Jordan and Rip Jordan Jensen.

It was, dude, thank you for coming in.

Thank you.

I know.

I really am.

I'm so happy you came.

Come back again.

We're closer than me and Tommy at this point.

A couple of Les just hitting it off.

Nice.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

We'll see you guys next week.

Bye.

You know what I was supposed to do?

I was supposed to give Roger Feigard some panties, not in cake.

I won't say what goes with cake.

These are for Mickey Esposito, since everybody's panties get in a wad when I come up here.

So send them to her, okay?

Now, these here, they can't even fit on my ankle.

Did you see me in a book?

Women are stupid!

I have two boobs, not six.

I have six books.

I have two boobs, not six.

I have six books.

More love.

More love.

He protects you, guys for people like me.

He protects you guys from people like me.

More love.

More love.

And guess what?

My dad called it dental floss.

And guess what I did with it?

I put it away.

Something like this.

And I made a lot of money.

You have no idea who knows me.

You have no idea who knows me.

Women are stupid.

I have two boobs.

Not six.

I have six books.

I have two boobs.

Not six.

I have six bucks.

More love.

More love.

He protection guys from people like me.

He protection guys from people like me.

More love.

More love.

And guess what?

My dad called it detail floss.

And guess what I did with it?

I put it away.

Something like this.

And I made a lot of money.

Women are stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.