#2763 Summer House Live in Cincinnati: Faptain Kangar-rude

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Speaker 1 Who cares what happens when there's so much rapids?

Speaker 1 Hi, Cincinnati.

Speaker 1 Hello!

Speaker 1 It's been a few years.

Speaker 1 We've only been doing this 13 motherfucking years until I go split the report.

Speaker 1 It's so exciting to be back in Cincinnati. We haven't been here yet.

Speaker 1 You guys, this is a wild crowd. Yes, thank you for coming out.
Of course. They told us the countess had just been here.
Did you guys come see the countess too?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 You know, you guys are a wild crowd.

Speaker 1 Fuck no. This side is like, no.
It's not aware.

Speaker 1 I forgot that about this venue too. It's kind of an L shape it's a V shape, right? So one side feels one thing and you all feel another totally different thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We could pitch you guys against each other. Now, I knew, like, we knew you guys would be a crazy crowd because to this day, there's only been one show

Speaker 1 in all of the history of Watcher Crappens where someone got arrested, and it happened here. It happened here.

Speaker 1 We're so proud of you guys. Yeah, you guys have done great work.
We got here, and there was a box of Narcan from a local company to give out. Really?

Speaker 1 They're like, will you take a picture with some Narcan? I'm like, fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 I was telling him if anybody has a peanut allergy, they're like, Ronnie, this is not an EpiPen.

Speaker 1 You could try.

Speaker 1 And it really is, it is awesome to be back. I actually came in last night.
Since I had to come in from L.A., it takes like, you know, you have to go like all these different routes to get here.

Speaker 1 So I came in early so I would, you know, be here on time. And I've had such a fun 24 hours here in Cincinnati.

Speaker 1 I went to a yoga class.

Speaker 1 Everyone's like, yeah.

Speaker 1 I have to tell you something. It got quieter for yoga, though.
They were like.

Speaker 1 It was so hard. It was like hot Cincinnati yoga.
And I was not expecting that. I've never done hot yoga before.
And I was like, I was, once again, I was the only one in the class falling over.

Speaker 1 And I felt like this weird obligation as someone from LA to be like really good at yoga. I was like, guys, I'm from LA.
I know yoga. And I was like falling over, sweating.

Speaker 1 I had like a puddle around me. But it was really fun.
There was a super hot guy there. I was like, good for you, Cincinnati.
Hot guys at yoga.

Speaker 1 I don't believe in yoga because if that shit worked, Buddha wouldn't be so fat.

Speaker 1 That's it. You think his ass was doing the down, dog? No.

Speaker 1 I came today. I was sitting next to a Mima on the plane.
She was really cute. And she's like, I need to fit this under my seat.

Speaker 1 I said, just put it in the, do you want me to put it in the overhead thing? And she's like, no, they're cookies. And I was like, well,

Speaker 1 obviously.

Speaker 1 No, first real cookie. No one's going to eat them in the overhead.
And she's like, no, I have to, they're important cookies. And I said, how come?

Speaker 1 And she said, because I'm going to visit my brother who has dementia. And I was like, oh.
And she said, and I'm hoping that the cookies will make him remember things.

Speaker 1 Isn't that sweet? I was like, yeah. Every time I take a peanut M ⁇ M out of my belly button, I'm like, I remember that Amy Grant concert.
I totally remember. So I was like, that's so sweet.

Speaker 1 I hope he remembers them. And she's like, yeah.
And I was like, they must be really good cookies. And she's like, they sure are.
And then I just stared at her like,

Speaker 1 you're not going to give me a fucking cookie? What do I?

Speaker 1 So I was like, what were we talking about?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Shy daddy was for a cookie.

Speaker 1 What we will do.

Speaker 1 I got a fucking Biscoff cookie after that, and I just crunched it very slowly looking at her.

Speaker 1 I did that thing on the airplane. I love when this works.
You know, when they come around with like a little basket of snacks, you know, like you pay like hundreds of dollars for plane tickets.

Speaker 1 Like, here is a bag with one cookie in it. Yeah, it's an old-ass Dorito.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I got I got like a bag, and then when she came by, I was like, Excuse me, do you have like an another, can I get like another bag of cookies?

Speaker 1 And she's like, sure, and then they give you like five. I was like, yes, that's like the best feeling of all time.
Also, today I went to Grater's Ice Cream.

Speaker 1 It's like an Ohio ice cream, right? Right? Love it. Not to be confused with Jenny's, also Ohio.

Speaker 1 Okay, this is clearly clearly Jenny's side. This is the Greater's side.

Speaker 1 Ice cream fight. Bye, bye, bye.

Speaker 1 I thought I was being so clever. I walked in and I was like, it's my first time in Greater's, because it was.
And I went up to the lady, I was like, it's my first time here.

Speaker 1 And I thought she's like, I thought she'd be like, oh, honey, come on over here.

Speaker 1 Let me give you a big thing. And I was like,

Speaker 1 what are you guys known for? She goes, chocolate chip. I was like.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad when people who have ice cream don't pretend to be happy. I'm so sick of fucking happy ice cream people.
We're not eating this because we're happy.

Speaker 1 We're eating it because we're fucking depressed. I know

Speaker 1 I was like, I was trying to get, you were trying to get a free cookie. I was trying to get some free ice cream from this lady.

Speaker 1 That wasn't free. That was homemade.
She should have given me that shit. She should have put that in the bag above.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well

Speaker 1 sticker-assisted. Lesson.

Speaker 1 Well, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo.

Speaker 1 You know, the first time we were here at Ludlow Garage, we did Summerhouse. Yes.
Years and years ago. It was our first Summer House live recap, in fact.

Speaker 1 And we were like, people are going to hate this. They're going to bitch.

Speaker 1 They didn't hate it. They did bitch.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Y'all still bitching. But you know how many housewives can there be?

Speaker 1 And right when we went on tour, they were like, we're not going to show housewives anymore.

Speaker 1 It's all over. I know.
But we love Summerhouse. And I love that since then, Summerhouse has become such a big popular show because it is a hilarious show.

Speaker 1 And this season, have you guys been enjoying the season so far? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was pretty good so far.

Speaker 1 Why lie? I mean, it's a pretty good one, you know, as far as, you know, like horror people going around. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I do appreciate what they're bringing to the art world. Kyle is now a musician.
So that's something. He's going on tour.
Did you know that? Yeah, he's got Sunday Sundays.

Speaker 1 And also, like, honestly. I'm disgusted over there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I was like, I'd see that. They're like, fuck that.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you something? The world is such a shit show right now that it's literally refreshing to me that like one thing I can like hide away in is a stupid feud about a Spritzer.

Speaker 1 Like that's a Spritzer feud is really,

Speaker 1 I need that right now. I need that.
Well,

Speaker 1 the other art coming up is Carl is releasing a book. Oh, yeah.
Have you heard about this? Did you know about this? Ronnie just told me about this right backstage.

Speaker 1 okay wow hate literature all you want

Speaker 1 uh carl radke

Speaker 1 the book is called cake eater

Speaker 1 yes

Speaker 1 yes someone eater first of all no you're not yes last time we checked you were not eating any cakes um so he uh ronnie just sent this to me like literally 10 minutes ago the cover says getting high hitting low

Speaker 1 and trying to stay in the middle a journey to self-discovery and then it's a picture of him holding a cake sadly he's like

Speaker 1 and then half his cake half his face is covered in the cake

Speaker 1 white jeans i'm sure

Speaker 1 all these years his jeans have been made out of cake We just never realized. He'd actually get laid if his jeans were made out of fucking cake.
People were like, why are his skinny jeans so skinny?

Speaker 1 It's like, because they're made of frosting. Yeah, I'd blow Carl if it was Kay.
So anyway, Ronnie just sent this. I got so excited because I had no idea that this was happening.

Speaker 1 It's smart to put it on your computer because I just look like I'm texting. I'm like,

Speaker 1 thanks for coming.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I guess he announced it on social media or something, but he has actually

Speaker 1 written some paragraphs to explain this book. And this is real.
We were reading this verbatim. Carl is like that Bronwyn from Salt Lake City.

Speaker 1 She can't just make a post. Like, look, I'm at the Golden Gloves.
It has to be 10 pages of, like, well, like, the font on her picture is this small. You're like, bitch, I'm trying to read this.

Speaker 1 When you said Bronwyn, I was thinking Bronwyn from Orange County. And I was like,

Speaker 1 do you know? Okay, sorry, we're never going to start this recap.

Speaker 1 Did you guys see that she posted a thing being like, it was like a few months ago, or two months ago.

Speaker 1 She was like, five years ago, I began my journey of sobriety. It began when I went to the Watch What Crappens Golden Crappies.

Speaker 1 And the audience booed me.

Speaker 1 But the audience only booed her because she was standing up for Tamara. And so the audience was like, boo! She's like, How dare you, fuck you!

Speaker 1 Like, stood up and started yelling at everybody. And she's like, I'd like to publicly apologize to Watch What Crappins.
I was like, Are you kidding? That's our dream.

Speaker 1 She apologized, she apologized to everyone except for Tom Sandoval that was there that night.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Carl, so he released his book, and this is what he has to say about it. He says,

Speaker 1 To everyone who has followed me,

Speaker 1 reached out to me,

Speaker 1 shared their own stories on recovery,

Speaker 1 or just given my mom a really cool hat,

Speaker 1 this book is for you.

Speaker 1 Thanks for announcing Cake Eater.

Speaker 1 I am proud to announce that my book, Cake Eater, will be out soon. You may be asking, why Cake Eater?

Speaker 1 Or why a book?

Speaker 1 Why Cake Eater?

Speaker 1 I want to call the editor. Just be like, why Cake Eater?

Speaker 1 Because you know she eats cake. She's like, you know who needs a book? Carl.

Speaker 1 So she's like, he says, Cake Eater, you may be asking, why Cake Eater?

Speaker 1 Being from the South Hills of Pittsburgh and Upper St. Clair.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm I'm already so excited to find out the rest of the sentence.

Speaker 1 Got a happy. Let's see where this goes.

Speaker 1 Other locals will know that Cake Eater is a privileged upper middle class person who is handed everything. While I was called this many times, that wasn't my reality.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you guys know, just because he appears at the Hamptons every single summer on a TV show and has not had to have a job in seven years does not mean he is an upper middle class privileged man.

Speaker 1 Finally a book that teaches us

Speaker 1 you can be bullied when you're privileged too.

Speaker 1 So for anyone who's been looking for a book with a title that has a hyper local reference

Speaker 1 specifically of the upper St. Clair region of South Hills of Pittsburgh, look no further than Cake Eater.
We're coming at you.

Speaker 1 All right, shall we?

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 1 Previously on Summer House.

Speaker 1 Another summer, summer.

Speaker 1 Summer.

Speaker 1 Ding, ding, ding, everyone.

Speaker 1 I have an announcement to make.

Speaker 1 Guys, my journey started years ago.

Speaker 1 First there was Everett and then I got a taco contract.

Speaker 1 And then I demanded a man make me sandwiches. 15 minutes later.

Speaker 1 And then there was Julon.

Speaker 1 15 minutes later. A bunch of other random guys that didn't deserve me.
15 minutes later. And then there was Carl's finger.
15 minutes later.

Speaker 1 And then there was Pizza Beach. 15 minutes later.
And then there was the rest of Carl.

Speaker 1 And now, in the summer of Lindsay, I

Speaker 1 look pregnant, by the way.

Speaker 1 Carl! Carl! I'm having a baby!

Speaker 1 Whoa, ho, ho, whoa.

Speaker 1 This is like really hard on me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just want you to be softer, not pregnanter.

Speaker 1 And I just, I don't like, I like, don't even know how to say hi to you.

Speaker 1 And you just say hi, Carl. Doorknob.
No, ho.

Speaker 1 Hi. Fish tank.
Oh, no, that's not.

Speaker 1 Skinny jeans. Oh, I can't do this.
It's too hard. It's stressful.

Speaker 1 So, West, you had sex with me even though I wanted a boyfriend. And then you talk shit to me in the New York Times.
Yeah, well, but. You suck.
You suck, West.

Speaker 1 Your hair is fucking stupid. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm just like a boy with a girl. I don't.

Speaker 1 You don't even have Riz. You're Rizless.

Speaker 1 Rizzless motherfucker with stupid fucking hair. Fuck you.
Well, that hurt. That like really hurt.
I don't know what to say. And then we have Imrule, who says, hey, I'm Imruel.
I'm the new guy, Imruel.

Speaker 1 I ride a motorcycle, and I fuck. I fuck a lot.

Speaker 1 I'm getting a blowjob right now.

Speaker 1 Five people, sex swings, lube, raw, unraw, all the things. Upside down, inside out, in a circle, circle jerk, square jerk, triangle jerk, all the shapes.

Speaker 1 I fuck.

Speaker 1 Do you want some hand sanitizer?

Speaker 1 Hey, everyone.

Speaker 1 I want to welcome everyone, the new person in the house. Everyone, please welcome Bailey.
Bailey?

Speaker 1 Bailey.

Speaker 1 Bailey, where are you at?

Speaker 1 Where's Bailey?

Speaker 1 No, where's you at?

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Lexi.

Speaker 1 People bully me because I'm a model.

Speaker 1 What's going on? I'm Jesse Solomon.

Speaker 1 You've got a juicy booty. You like it? Yeah, Papa like it.

Speaker 1 Want to touch it?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You can touch it when you're. You're my husband.

Speaker 1 and scene

Speaker 1 So dumb that was a little long for those husbands along for the ride

Speaker 1 All right, well where we left off Kyle has just done his annual rage texting of someone this time it was Paige He rage texted her about both Hannah and Craig, and she was not having none of it and now they're gonna talk it out on a beach.

Speaker 1 All right, look, like, I'm even sorry, we're even having to have this conversation. Like, I know you're your own person and stuff, but like,

Speaker 1 I'm in my feels, all right? Like, a lot of things were brought up last night, all right? It was like personal, you know, like my business, my business was under attack. Like,

Speaker 1 I'm gonna crumble.

Speaker 1 I'm grumbling.

Speaker 1 Um, first of all, I'm not Hannah, and I'm definitely not Craig, thank God.

Speaker 1 Just want to let you just remind you of that.

Speaker 1 And like, I told Craig to like not do this, and if you're going to like do this, then like you have to have a conversation with Kyle, and like, like, I don't understand why you're even talking to me.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't even like talking to you when you're not rage texting me, so this is even worse. I mean, Kyle, I'm so supportive of you.

Speaker 1 I pretended to like munt fruit sweetener in my alcohol for six years.

Speaker 1 So, Danielle is watching from afar. She's like, oh my God, that body language does not look great.
I'm wacky, Danielle.

Speaker 1 Danielle your body language isn't great. Danielle's like, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 I'm looking good.

Speaker 1 This beach looks so different since I was last here.

Speaker 1 Oh, how time passes when you're gone for a week.

Speaker 1 All right, well, you know what? It's not even like

Speaker 1 competing with me. All right.
It's just like, it's a competitor. It just hurt, you know, it hurts that he's competing with me.
Does that make any sense? No, it it doesn't.

Speaker 1 I broke down crying. I cried after we had a text exchange.
I sobbed.

Speaker 1 Wait, you... You cried? No.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Let me just privately laugh to myself.

Speaker 1 I was saying, it felt like it stabbed me. It felt like it stabbed me.
I wish.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been stabbed before?

Speaker 1 Do you want to be?

Speaker 1 I know you're your own person. I know you have no control or other clothes people in your life are going to say whatever.
It was just like not wrong. I mean, it'd been smacked out of the mill.

Speaker 1 All right, look, look, look. I just don't want to be in the middle, okay? Like,

Speaker 1 it's like being fashioned meat between two poorly dressed buns, right?

Speaker 1 Like, it's not that I want to be your friend. Like, you're a whiny, entitled alcoholic that refuses to grow up, you know? And in another timeline, I'd probably be dating you right now.

Speaker 1 Listen, if you came to me and said, would you be willing to be in the middle of a Coca-Cola feud? I would say yes. But a Spritzer feud, no.
I will not do this.

Speaker 1 But yeah, like, if he generally, I'm going to talk to him if he genuinely doesn't understand. I've got a detailed pie chart to go over with him.
You know, I'll cry in a way that he understands.

Speaker 1 You know, I knew that Kyle and I were going to be fine because he's probably too drunk to remember we were in a fight in the first place.

Speaker 1 So, whatever, I just told him to talk to Craig and Hannah. Whatever.
I'm more.

Speaker 1 The rest of my thought doesn't even matter because Kyle doesn't even deserve it.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow, you stopped sobbing. Do you need to make a wee wee before we go? We're in your bathroom, the earth.

Speaker 1 I do.

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Speaker 1 So they they're fine, obviously. So they go back to the group.
And now that that's all settled, now Lindsay can do the guys.

Speaker 1 Can we talk about my pregnancy?

Speaker 1 Oh my god, look at that seashell. Who has bigger boobs? Me or the seashell? I'm like, so pregnant.

Speaker 1 You guys, I have a question. Since I'm pregnant, do you think

Speaker 1 my belly button's gonna like pop out and be an Audi? Yes, I have a question. Who looks more pregnant? Me or the horseshoe crap that's dying over there? Just wondering.

Speaker 1 I hope you have an Audi. Audis are fucking hot.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Jesse. Yeah, oh yeah, it's cool that you're pregnant.
It's so cool that you're pregnant, pregnant, Lindsay. And then it cuts a Lexi.
She's like,

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 Lexi's like, um,

Speaker 1 do you think my belly would pop my belly button would ever pop out? I've been so insecure about my belly button, and now they're talking about belly buttons. This is bullying

Speaker 1 because they're all like, wow, Lindsay, your boob is big. Oh, Lindsay, your boob is bigger than I've ever seen him before.
That's really good.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And Lexi's is like, Lexi's like,

Speaker 1 yeah, but I can kind of see where Alexi's coming from because Jesse's like, wow, nice cans. You guys should shut your cans to each other.
You guys should touch them. Raw dog it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, pull your tits out. Just raw dog them right now.

Speaker 1 It's because I'm pregnant.

Speaker 1 You know, I tried to weigh my boobs in Italy because I was on a pregnancy vacation there and like it was in kilometers instead of pounds.

Speaker 1 So I still this day don't know how much my pregnant boobs weigh because I'm pregnant.

Speaker 1 You measured them in kilometers. Those tits run fast.

Speaker 1 Fast tits.

Speaker 1 Lexi's like, I'm Canadian. I know what those measurements mean.

Speaker 1 And then it cuts to Jesse just, or Lexi just looking down at herself when she's like, I mean, like, they're like talking about my biggest insecurity right now.

Speaker 1 Like, I've had agents in the past be like, you know, you can never get a certain job because of your body type. And I'm like, just because I don't have double D is like, I mean,

Speaker 1 that's not fair like gossip the girls but good I'm a model

Speaker 1 guys I just found out I can't do gay porn

Speaker 1 it's not fair

Speaker 1 I've always been shamed for not having a penis we're all talking about them like

Speaker 1 I cannot get behind a bullying project of this girl. This is not the Trevor project, ma'am, okay?

Speaker 1 So then Lindsay, Lindsay's still talking about all this stuff, and Wes is like, okay,

Speaker 1 I have a serious question for you. Like, what sport do you think you want your daughter to get in into?

Speaker 1 Or, like, do you want her to go into Page? Oh, my God, are you about to see Pageants? Are you about to see Pageants?

Speaker 1 Like, I didn't know. And he was like, Pageants?

Speaker 1 And Loxie's just like,

Speaker 1 now patch and girls are getting bullied.

Speaker 1 So Lindsay's like, well, I grew up in the suburbs, so like raising a child in the city is going to be like really different. And West is like, yeah, like a lot less

Speaker 1 yard activity.

Speaker 1 How are you supposed to body train a kid without an outside?

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, yeah. I'm like, we don't even like live together yet.
We We don't live together, Lindsay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But like, wait, fucking Danielle, okay?

Speaker 1 But I mean, like, if I weren't pregnant, we wouldn't be living together anyway. So, like, we've only been dating for like six months.

Speaker 1 You don't live with this man and you let him put a baby inside of you.

Speaker 1 She's like, well, you didn't live with the balloon guy and you walked around with like a poodle twisted in your badge for like months.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 She is a ceo and founder please show some respect

Speaker 1 did you guys see megan markle has a new podcast out for founders and uh who else was like danielle you better get booked

Speaker 1 oh my god the megan markle can we cover the megan markle cooking show please did you guys see it

Speaker 1 you know what i love jam it just makes me feel so one of the people

Speaker 1 I taste this jam and I feel like maybe I could be walking on a sidewalk.

Speaker 1 The first 20 minutes was her putting things into successively smaller plastic bags.

Speaker 1 My favorite thing to do is take Epsom salts and just put them in a bag and then to put that bag in a smaller bag and then I cut it in half, cook it with some pasta and put it in an even smaller bag.

Speaker 1 I just want my guests to feel at home. People hate that girl.
I was watching her make toast and there were eggs being splattered on the window. I was like, man, they even found her set.
They hate her.

Speaker 1 So Lindsay's like, um, yeah we don't have to live together to have a baby because like you know like having a baby puts enough pressure on a relationship without having to live together too

Speaker 1 but what is he gonna move in Lindsay I can't deal with this he's is is he ever gonna move in like how do you know that he's even suitable for you if you don't even live with him

Speaker 1 It's like, yeah, well, like to move in together, like we need to have like a normal base to this relationship. You're pregnant.
You're six months pregnant.

Speaker 1 I like Lindsay. He's like, like, we need to take it slow.

Speaker 1 First we have a baby. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then we go to coffee together. Then we're like, damn, girl.
But Danielle's still such a judgmental asshole. You know, I'm allowed to be because I'm not her friend.

Speaker 1 If that was my friend, I'd be like, you go, girl, don't you ever marry that man unless he fucking deserves it. Why should you move in with a man?

Speaker 1 But I'm me, so I get to say it. Yeah.
But yeah, Danielle sucks.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, Danielle, look, you know, it is a little, you know,

Speaker 1 I I can imagine being concerned with my friend who just got a whatever term relationship it was with Carl and then being like, and suddenly I'm pregnant with like a new person.

Speaker 1 I can imagine being like, whoa, what's going on? And I do love that Lindsay's response to make sure Danielle feels like everything's okay. She's like, well, he found our baby nurse.

Speaker 1 He looked up a restaurant on Yelp once. So like, he's pretty much pretty active in this.
Yeah. And Danielle's like, I mean, normal couple pace.
I think like the ship sells on that one.

Speaker 1 I mean like if it's going well like Why wouldn't you want him there physically all the time? Like why give him the opportunity to not be there like does that sound like kidnapping?

Speaker 1 It's not kidnapping if you're in love, right? Hold my ring. Hold on my ring cams.
My ring cams.

Speaker 1 Oh shit. The UPS guy is trying to untie himself.
Hold on. He's really cute.
We might have something going.

Speaker 1 I think the reason why Lindsay doesn't want him there is because she wants the relationship to last.

Speaker 1 So well at this point, look, you're saying, like, you're saying if it was your friend, you'd be like, worried, but if it was me and I was like, I'm going to have a baby, you wouldn't be like, move in with the guy.

Speaker 1 I mean, for the baby's sake, nobody needs to see me with somebody else.

Speaker 1 I would be like,

Speaker 1 just say, do you have a maid? That's all you need to ask. I'd just be like, it was great being friends with you.

Speaker 1 We had a great time.

Speaker 1 Every time you left town, I'd be like, guys, Ben's out of town today. Thankfully, little Rondell is here.
Rondell.

Speaker 1 Little baby. It's like Muppet Babies.
It's like Ronnie up here.

Speaker 1 Who's the best housewife? He's a Vanderpum. Good job.
Here's an M ⁇ M. Go to your room.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 let's play some Kanjam.

Speaker 1 So now it's time for the... Why is everyone shot that Journer and I don't live together? Like, for once, I'm not moving too fast.
I'm pregnant.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm doing all the right steps. Thanks to Carl, I had a bachelorette party,

Speaker 1 and then I got to plan my wedding, and now I have a baby.

Speaker 1 She's actually kind of done everything right. It's just been with different people.

Speaker 1 Yeah, at this point, like, Lindsay's want, look, she's put a lot of time to those PowerPoints.

Speaker 1 Just let her have the baby. Remember, she made that to-do list.
There was a list. There's a PowerPoint.
2025, I want to have a bachelorette party. I want to have a man.
I want to have a baby.

Speaker 1 I want to have an apartment. I want to be of influence or whatever the fuck.
She's done it all. Yeah.
And in

Speaker 1 every step of the way that she's like, I want to have this, I want to have this, I want to have this, she's really only had, been stuck with like Danielle.

Speaker 1 So I'm just like, let her have her baby, let her let this step of it come true, and it'll all be good. So now the guys start playing, you know, it's...
What is this? What is this game, Cam Jam? So

Speaker 1 you throw frisbees into a trash?

Speaker 1 Throw your trash into a trash. How about let's make a game out of that, you fucking beach ruiners?

Speaker 1 Why can't they just sit sit still? Every time they go to the beach, they always have to play like one of these stupid games. Just sit still and tan, okay?

Speaker 1 I need more cans, talk. Why are people always moving around to the beach?

Speaker 1 So Jesse is checking in with West and everything, or West is checking in with Jesse, and he's like, um, I haven't seen you talk about Lexi today. He's like, oh, don't worry.

Speaker 1 I actually talked about her quite a a bit in the car. It's like, oh, thank God.
Thank God.

Speaker 1 He's like, you know, I mean, that girl talking to me, like, she wants to be with me, you know, it's like, really, she's jealous. Like, that kind of scares me.
That really does kind of scare me.

Speaker 1 You know, when she told me she really only wanted to be with me when I was in a relationship, so I fucked her and now I'm refusing to be in a relationship with her. Chicks, am I right? It's crazy.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. It's crazy how when you love bomb someone that they can start to get jealous.
It's crazy.

Speaker 1 So Wes Wes is like, well, she does kind of owe you, you know, after like taking my guy, you know, I've like had to go to club solo.

Speaker 1 And then Jesse gets like all sad. He's like, yeah, by the way,

Speaker 1 last night I thought it was interesting that you left everyone behind. It was just like, weird, like in summer, you shouldn't have to do that.

Speaker 1 He spent the night on a sofa somewhere else.

Speaker 1 He didn't cheat on you. He's like, I'm terrified of Sierra, though.

Speaker 1 I had to. I had to sleep on the couch.

Speaker 1 Why haven't we talked about what West is wearing, by the way?

Speaker 1 Listen, I saw this teenage boy today. You know what I'm going to say? With the hair.
He's got the perm and the hair come forward.

Speaker 1 And I just walked past him and, you know, did like every older person does. I just went, fucking idiot.

Speaker 1 And laughed, you know?

Speaker 1 But I can't imagine being like twice that age and being like, I'm perming my hair and then I'm combing it forward. It's going to look great.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I should do is get a grandma's scarf and tie tie it around my head and then put a sun hat over it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 With a sleeveless tennis sweater from 1930. Stop trying so hard.
You're already youngish. You're already finished.

Speaker 1 He's got the fame bug. He's already, you know, we're losing him.
We've lost him. He's gone.
He's just an empty husk now, just trying to make his way onto Traders some season.

Speaker 1 Let's be honest. He won't get there.
Traders has too much taste. They're going to be like, no, ew.
Alan will take one good look at that that fashion and be like, ew.

Speaker 1 First murder Alan commits.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's just say right now, no West on Traders, okay? Anyone else? No West. Jesus.

Speaker 1 Every roundtable you'd be like, but I didn't do anything. I want to hear my people binge.

Speaker 1 That really sounds like if you're standing in the next room and you can only hear like the vibrations through a wall, that's how West sounds.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 his lip biting.

Speaker 1 It would take him so long to accuse someone at the round table, too. He'd be like,

Speaker 1 I just,

Speaker 1 I'm like,

Speaker 1 really,

Speaker 1 I'm like scared to say this. I'm like, okay, I'm done with the trailers.
Be like, well, you know, like, I thought maybe we had something, but maybe we don't have anything.

Speaker 1 We're not trying to date you, motherfucker. Who do you think about?

Speaker 1 Just say whom or to whom else. By the way,

Speaker 1 I was just going to say, Ronnie, you were so right the other day on the podcast.

Speaker 1 That's all you needed to say. Stop there.
That's it. Shut the word.
Thank you so much for coming.

Speaker 1 Well, it's not like I doubted you on this, but I finally got to see with my own eyes. Gabby from the Traders, her social media has just been so wonderful.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 I listened to her podcast. Have you guys ever heard her podcast?

Speaker 1 Long-winded with Gabby.

Speaker 1 she's like I don't want to fucking do this podcast today

Speaker 1 but I fucking have to

Speaker 1 cuz I have contracts and agents

Speaker 1 so here I am talking to you long labiad motherfucker

Speaker 1 today she was like

Speaker 1 So I gotta call for my psychiatrist because I'm crazy.

Speaker 1 And the traitor psychiatrist called my psychiatrist. She was like, just so you know, this show has themes of deception and lying and murder.
And I was like, stop.

Speaker 1 It's a game.

Speaker 1 Love her. Check it out.
Long-winded with Gabby. What's your face?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 My lady is so long. I was like.

Speaker 1 for me, it's like a horror show and a podcast. I love it.
I've learned so many things.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Jesse's still having his heart-to-heart with Wes, and he's like, you know, it's just so weird, bro. Like, you're just so secretive now.
And he's like, do you think I'm losing myself?

Speaker 1 And he's like, no, you're still cheesy and badly dressed. You know, it's just that gaslighting women is more fun when it's a team sport, bro.
It's only a year long.

Speaker 1 By the way, it's like only the second weekend in the house. He's like, Man, what's going on this summer? You've changed.

Speaker 1 So now they come back from the beach, and our old friend, the stubborn doors, back. Last weekend, it was like they were all so happy.
They're like, oh my God, like the door is working.

Speaker 1 And I think we've all been there with stubborn doors, where the door gives you like that moment of hope. You're like,

Speaker 1 thank God, things are fixed. It'll never will never go back to the dark days of you being a stubborn door.

Speaker 1 He's like, sorry, I jammed the lock. I just didn't want any guys trying to get out.

Speaker 1 Dean, I'm looking for some gig.

Speaker 1 Dean, I'm home.

Speaker 1 So they're all getting ready to do dinner things, and West says that they're going to go to dinner with Carl Beast. Where did Carl Beast come from? Was that approved by the community?

Speaker 1 But he doesn't even come up with original ones for everybody. He goes, Carl Beast, Jess Beast,

Speaker 1 Paige.

Speaker 1 Ah, fun fact. Growing up in Pittsburgh, specifically the

Speaker 1 South Hills near Upper St. Clair,

Speaker 1 Carl Beast actually means that you're a very, very poor person.

Speaker 1 So Danielle and Lindsay are talking. Oh no, sorry.
Lindsey calls Turner, her guy, Turner. And she's like, oh my God,

Speaker 1 is this Turner? And he's like, yeah. And she's like, Danielle says, hi, babe.
And Danielle's like, hi, stop trying to run.

Speaker 1 I can see you.

Speaker 1 And everyone's still, all this activities happening in the house. Imruil comes into the kitchen, and Kyle's like, whoa, did you change since I last saw you?

Speaker 1 It's like, you are living in a house. People change clothes.

Speaker 1 You're at a beach. He's not wearing a bathing suit anymore.
Yes.

Speaker 1 So they're getting ready. And poor Carl, you know, and I get it.
Like when you're fucked up, a lot of the times you don't know how to do things not fucked up. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And he's still new at it and he's still learning. Thankfully, I've only ever shopped at Old Navy, so it's like the same for me wherever I go.
But Carl doesn't really get that.

Speaker 1 And so he walks into the room. He's like, hey, everybody, ready to go out? And they're like, whoa.

Speaker 1 And Lindsay's like, um, are those crocs?

Speaker 1 And then he goes, you know, these bright green crocs and he goes, oh, they're like little clog things.

Speaker 1 Crocs. They're crocs.
Oh, I guess I'm just a cake eater then. Oh, this is made on me.

Speaker 1 And he goes, Am I going to get made fun of again tonight? Oh, Carl, you can't even wear a Crocs. Come on.

Speaker 1 Be soft with my Crocs.

Speaker 1 Thanks to Crocs. They're an advertiser.
Love your stuff. We love the Crocs.
So Jesse is now saying bye to Lexi. He's like, bye, Cena Vit.
You're not going to come out.

Speaker 1 She's like, no, just have fun without me. But I want you to text me how much you love me non-stop, but not about boobs.

Speaker 1 Or Audis.

Speaker 1 So then one half of the house goes out to dinner. The other half stays behind and they have fascinating conversations such as Kyle saying to Sierra, were you napping? Yeah, I was in my bed.

Speaker 1 I was like setting the mood. I lit some candles.
I turned off the lights. I scrolled.
I threw dirty clothes on my bed. Then I was like, fuck those fucking dirty clothes.

Speaker 1 I threw them on the fucking floor after that.

Speaker 1 But then I picked him up and I put him on my bed again. And then I I like fucking rolled around on him

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Kyle's like

Speaker 1 they're like Sierra, what's your storyline this season? She's like clothes on a bed

Speaker 1 Fuck do you think it is

Speaker 1 Kyle's like I'm just trying to find a way to prolong the spritzer fight So can I talk about it a little bit? They're like no

Speaker 1 So Sierra's like what's the vibe with y'all because you know Craig's gonna come and he's like well I have one idea of friendship and he had another idea of friendship So you know am i the first person to catch craig platinumly lying no

Speaker 1 and by the way uh he continues to lie about getting kicked out of my wedding no doubt

Speaker 1 so he did get kicked out of that wedding after all and to get kicked out of kyle's wedding kyle probably got kicked out of his own wedding like that little guy's too drunk get him out That wedding's caused a lot of drama.

Speaker 1 I love that. I love that for that.
I wonder why he got kicked out, right? Do you remember? Why Craig got kicked out? Did he get drunk and start berating someone like everyone on Bravo seems to do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it's really good. Okay, so they were getting married at the parents' estate or something, right? Right.

Speaker 1 So only the bridal party could pee inside and everybody else had to go in a port-a-potty. And so Craig tried to go inside.
I love this show. I love Craig, too.
What an idiot. So he's like,

Speaker 1 I'm going inside because I,

Speaker 1 why would I go to a port-a-potty? I'm rich. And the brother-in-law was like, no, you have to go in the port-a-potty.
You're not in the bridal party. And so the sister-in-law is like, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then Craig's like, yeah, fuck you. And he started yelling at the sister-in-law until she

Speaker 1 started crying and he got kicked out because he wouldn't piss in a port-a-potty.

Speaker 1 That's like some Ramona singer-level shit.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 1 So Craig is coming next weekend. Imrul will be coming tonight.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I have to interrupt you. So sorry.
One more point. Let's all remember that Paige et al.

Speaker 1 totally blasted Lindsay for this shit all those years ago. Never fucking forget.
You know? Paige may be like cuter and more fun and funny, but Lindsay's usually right. Listen to Lindsay.
I said it.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking care. And old lady, you already kept me from cookies today.

Speaker 1 Think you're going to scare me?

Speaker 1 I stole those cookies, too. What if I did? What if I was like, and then I pushed that old lady down and I took a fucking cookie?

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Speaker 1 So now we go out to the people going out to the restaurant, and it's like Jesse, West, Carl, Amanda, and Paige.

Speaker 1 So they're all sitting down, they're all talking, and Paige is like, oh, by the way, Alexi's not here. How do you feel about that, Jesse? He's like, it's great, Paige.
I love it so much.

Speaker 1 You're looking wonderful tonight, Paige. You're You're looking sexy those earrings.
Like, okay, so you're right back at it. Great.
Love to hear that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Jesse's like, well, I mean, I need to hear Paige. What if we get married, huh? And Carl's like, oh, you and Jesse? Whatever happened to us? Whatever happened to us.

Speaker 1 Like, I'll marry you when I want to eat on a fucking Wednesday, on a group-on day, Carl.

Speaker 1 I'll cheat on Jesse with you, Carl, in 60 years.

Speaker 1 So then we see six summers ago, Carl and Paige making out in the pantry. That was disturbing.
Paige was so young and fresh. I know.

Speaker 1 And Carl was like, come, come into the closet. I know.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine going into the pantry with Carl now? He's like, oh, oh.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 hold on. It's like, oh, my God, are you trying to kiss me? No, I'm just actually trying to reach those Lorna Dunes behind you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love these cookies. Are they cookies or are they biscuits? I don't know.
Aww. It's just really, really hard being in a closet after what Lindsey put me through.
Oh, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Burn the closet.

Speaker 1 So Wes is like, so when did you last have sex? He's like, guys, like, I just came to the house this summer because I want to like learn and like be single. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And like, can I be honest? I looked over at Lindsay and she's the last person I had sex with.

Speaker 1 And now she's pregnant. You do the math.

Speaker 1 And they're like, I know it's been a lot of months, but I do take a while. I'm a late bloomer.
I'm a late bloomer.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 guys, this is really hard for me. Like, can everyone just hold my hand right now?

Speaker 1 I need everyone to be really tender because I got to say, oh,

Speaker 1 I haven't had sex in a year.

Speaker 1 And they're like, whoa,

Speaker 1 girl, stupid.

Speaker 1 Why would you do that to yourself?

Speaker 1 I couldn't do that. I even have sex with Crant.

Speaker 1 Jesse's literally, he's like, but I mean, Carl, you could walk outside here in the Hamptons and have sex with whoever you want.

Speaker 1 And it's like, cuts account just the way I'd be like, you're damn right he could.

Speaker 1 Right here with you in Sag Harbor. And let me tell you something.
Nothing's sagging in this harbor. Get over here, boy.

Speaker 1 Well, guys, just like emotionally, it hasn't felt right.

Speaker 1 And no one can appreciate a half a boner like Lindsay could. So,

Speaker 1 you know, other girls make partial impotence sound like a hindrance, but

Speaker 1 Lindsay would just dance and she would just aim and dance like nobody's watching, you know.

Speaker 1 Miss that girl. What were we talking about?

Speaker 1 West is like, damn, here needs like a subscription to browsers or something, like some porn. Oh.

Speaker 1 Did anybody else Google browsers after that?

Speaker 1 Straight people are crazy.

Speaker 1 Everyone knows what browsers is. I mean, I felt like gay people were the perverts.
That's what I always learned growing up. Like, you're perverted.
You're going to hell. I'm like, we're going to hell.

Speaker 1 You've been to Brazz? Good lord.

Speaker 1 It's coming out every place.

Speaker 1 I don't have a subscription to Brazzers, but I do have a subscription to Brazier's, which is like women moderately dressed. So

Speaker 1 I don't want to get a boner because I just want to be soft.

Speaker 1 I just renewed my subscription to ankles.

Speaker 1 Ladies lifting their skirts in the 20s.

Speaker 1 So Paige is like, oh my God, I just love this juxtaposition so much. You know, Carl became a priest and Lindsay's pregnant with her third child.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I haven't really been dating the past seven or eight months. My focus has just been trying to take care of myself, which is what I've been saying for five years on this show.

Speaker 1 Just want to get rid of all this anger and resentment I have towards the person that I dumped.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's like, been so hard having so much anger and resentment to the woman I embarrassed on national television.

Speaker 1 You know, when you get dumped, it's hard, but when you're at the dumper, you have so much anger. It's really rough.
It's really rough, guys.

Speaker 1 So they cheers and stuff. And they're like, oh, wow, yeah.
To like West. To West getting some cuddy.

Speaker 1 What's that? Wait, what did you say? What did you say?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 To Carl getting some cuddy. Cuddy? Cuddy.
Is that correct? Did I write that correct? No one here knows what it is either. We all need a browser subscription in here.
We're like, Cuddy!

Speaker 1 I assume anything with two syllables and two double letters is slang for pussy, right?

Speaker 1 Cuddy, pussy, buppy, guppy,

Speaker 1 putty. Guppy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, bro, I got some guppy last night.

Speaker 1 That sounds like an offense that could put you behind bars. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's straight people shit. So baby fish.

Speaker 1 Gross.

Speaker 1 So now they're asking somebody else if they're dating. I don't know.
And Amanda's like, wow-oh, West. And Amanda's like, that's a wild question to ask West if he's dating Wes.

Speaker 1 How many girls are you fucking?

Speaker 1 And he's like, um, guys, like, technically speaking, like, um...

Speaker 1 People just mostly make fun of my hair and my outfits, but I do have a dating show coming out on the internet. So that's something.
That is not your dating life. What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Get the scarf off your body. I know.
He's trying to promote it. He says he has a show called West Date Ever, and we see footage of him on a quote-unquote date with Hawk Tua.

Speaker 1 But it is actually kind of fitting, because you know everybody who goes on a date with West says that at some point.

Speaker 1 Did you ever know, and then they're talking about how old they are? Because Paige is like, oh my God, I'm so old. I've never even seen the original Hot Tua video.
I saw it recently. Have you seen it?

Speaker 1 I have, yeah.

Speaker 1 I still don't understand why she's a thing, but I have seen it, yes. What are you the first person to spit?

Speaker 1 I could have been rich years ago.

Speaker 1 Wow, I didn't know that would make you famous.

Speaker 1 Anything these days. So West is like, yeah, right now my job is like really tough because I have to fly around a lot and go on dates with Hoctua.

Speaker 1 And like the worst thing is that like now I just throw away my recycling and I used to like take time to wash it out, but now I don't even do it anymore.

Speaker 1 I'm so busy I can't even wash out like Chinese takeout containers anymore. It's like you poor fucking thing, Wes.

Speaker 1 So now they're talking about Lexi and Jesse and

Speaker 1 Carl's like, yeah, is it official yet? No, Jesse has some concerns. Jesse, tell him.
Yeah, she'd made a few comments where he took it like you might be a jealous girlfriend, right?

Speaker 1 She's like, yeah, I need if you're going to keep commenting on my photos. Please keep commenting on my phone.

Speaker 1 Poor Amanda, she needs that. She's married to Kyle.
She needs all the validation she can get.

Speaker 1 Sad but true. I'm going to start commenting on her photos.
She's like, I'm selling these nice new sweaters for Christmas time. Nice cans.

Speaker 1 Hashtag Hochtua.

Speaker 1 Hi, all.

Speaker 1 So they're like, well, well, I mean, she really likes you, obviously.

Speaker 1 You know how you can tell? Like, has she called you Cocaine Jesse yet? Or like,

Speaker 1 suggested you'll never have an idea that's profitable.

Speaker 1 You know, Hoctua.

Speaker 1 It actually means something quite different. If you live in a certain part of Pittsburgh, in the south part of Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh,

Speaker 1 it means that you have a library card. Only the working class.
Only the working class with Bentleys in Pittsburgh. It means you.

Speaker 1 So Jesse's like, Yeah, guys, you know, it's odd I'd be leaving this weekend exclusive with her, but I just don't know anymore. Shut up.
Why are you acting like that with her then?

Speaker 1 When you're around her, you're like, I don't want to look at anything but you and your juicy booty, baby. If we're going to be together, we're going to be together.
And then he gets away from her.

Speaker 1 He's like, fucking stalker. Get her away.
I can help.

Speaker 1 I do. Seriously.

Speaker 1 So back at the house, Kyle is at his little DJ setup at Club Send It, and he's like, ladies and gentlemen, the Chevy Lumina has arrived.

Speaker 1 I laugh at him, but I know I would 100% be doing the same thing.

Speaker 1 Anytime anything shows up at the door, I'd be like, hold on, guys, I got to get to my DJ setup.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, an Amazon box has arrived please pick it up

Speaker 1 so Sierra's like hey Paige want to do a TikTok and she's like no

Speaker 1 do it paige no talk come on page do a tick dina fire talk dina fire talk I'm not doing that shit so paige won't do it so the rest of them do a tick tock I'm surprised Wes wasn't there actually because that seems like I know

Speaker 1 dance

Speaker 1 I'm into it and then yeah they all go out they party they come back and then we get the I guess the new tradition on this season which is that Imrul brings back a ghost.

Speaker 1 He fucks a ghost. He brings back a little arrow.
I mean, he really likes them thin. Every one of them has just looked like this.
I know.

Speaker 1 At this point, I'm like,

Speaker 1 is he just boning a door? It's like you see a door open, and it's like, Imrul's visitor.

Speaker 1 Carl's like, hey, Casper, ladies are in there eating some bagel bites. All right, if you want, so I'm sorry I didn't catch your name.
And Imrul's like, don't worry, she'll catch plenty tonight.

Speaker 1 I guarantee which by the way it really sucks for these visitors because if they're hoping to get on TV and then they're getting edited to be basically like Niles' wife on Frasier

Speaker 1 that sucks

Speaker 1 yeah because you know they're signing those releases

Speaker 1 just like no we're not giving you the pleasure well there's a lot of releases happening there

Speaker 1 Legal legal releases guys God stop watching browsers

Speaker 1 so now Lexi and Jesse are in bed and um he's like oh i'm gonna go she's like where are you going no no no they're trying he's like oh sorry i tried to get into your pants you can't really blame me for trying right i mean you've got such a juicy booty and she's like oh my god i've always been so insecure about my booty when they talk about it

Speaker 1 So now it's the next morning. The ghost has left the house.

Speaker 1 And they leave early, too. What is Emerald doing to these girls? Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I'm not like that. If I sleep with somebody, I'm sleeping in.
I don't care where it is. It could be on a bus bench.
I'll be like, give me a bagel.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So we see a trail of lube going to the door.

Speaker 1 I mean, you saw, was it last week when Wes like fell down the stairs a little bit? You know why.

Speaker 1 You know why.

Speaker 1 So Jesse and Lexi wake up and he's like, you're so pretty.

Speaker 1 Like every time I look in your eyes in the morning with no makeup I'm like God this girl's so fucking pretty but also why does her nose look like a twig? Is that in my mind?

Speaker 1 And she's like um it's called contouring

Speaker 1 My goal nose is a pinky finger

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 are you feeling

Speaker 1 her nose is beautiful, but she contours it like this

Speaker 1 It looks like snot dripping from her eyebrows, just down her eye.

Speaker 1 Well, the family that contours together stays together that's what we've learned from her family no that other girl her sister doesn't contour she just what's the opposite of contour where you're just like make it look like one big

Speaker 1 i believe that's called a pro tour she just gets that lipstick and puts it all over her face she doesn't yeah

Speaker 1 it's my sister tiffany she's like oh gosh

Speaker 1 that girl's crazy faced yeah we need more tiffany i want i want some tiffany on this i know i mean she does come on looking like she's doing Phantom of the Opera with makeup, but did you know if the if the chandelier fell onto Carlotta?

Speaker 1 Okay, so Paul, what? Did you know that Lexi has a podcast with her mom and her sister called the 69 girls? I can't.

Speaker 1 Your mom, come on. I can't believe I missed that compelling content.

Speaker 1 I was so distracted by Carl's press release. By his what? His press release.
His press release. So

Speaker 1 on one episode, we're getting Cake Eater and 69 Girls. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 Jesse's like, yeah, you're so pretty. Are you feeling good about us? Because I feel great about us.
That's why I told everyone you're becoming a raging, jealous bitch. Anyway, what do you think?

Speaker 1 She's like, yeah, I'm pretty good. Although I just started to realize you're like not famous.
And I've been dating famous guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So I just want you to know, like, I can be jealous.
He's like, I know. She's like, okay, but now that we're in bed, we we can talk about it.

Speaker 1 Cause like being a model, like basically my entire existence since I was 10 years old, I was completely picked apart. It's been like so hard.
Like, I'm never good enough.

Speaker 1 And, like, everyone keeps saying, Oh, Jesse's a boob guy. Jesse's a boob guy.

Speaker 1 He's like, What?

Speaker 1 Who said that I'm a boob guy?

Speaker 1 Cuts you.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 I'm getting a Charlie horse. Are you getting a Charlie horse? I had one this morning in bed, thanks to yoga.

Speaker 1 Just be careful.

Speaker 1 All right. That was

Speaker 1 nice. Okay.

Speaker 1 For those listening at home, Ronnie just circled a chair.

Speaker 1 That was nice. That was adorable.

Speaker 1 Hey, by the way, you feeling good about us?

Speaker 1 I'm feeling really insecurously so hardening, so pretty.

Speaker 1 So he's like, where?

Speaker 1 Who says says i'm a boob guy that's ridiculous she's like everyone well no one said that jesse's a boob guy right because we see clips that prove that they didn't but you're right he was like hey nice tits he's like uber's here guys love your cans

Speaker 1 hey uh wes don't worry about not doing the recycling because i will always take care of some cans

Speaker 1 So he's like, I'm not a boob guy. I'm a butt guy.
Yeah, show me that juicy booty. Yeah, juicy booty.

Speaker 1 So then she's like, well, I've always been insecure about my butt, too. What do you think about my elbow skin? He's like, it's hot.
Can I put my dick on it?

Speaker 1 I'm only giving up this waddle when I'm engaged.

Speaker 1 So then everyone else is waking you up and everything, and Paige is like, wait a second. Something smells oily.

Speaker 1 Was there someone in here last night?

Speaker 1 Was there a person in this house that we just never saw? I mean, I know, I seem to remember saying hi to something, but I thought that was a floating vase.

Speaker 1 I could have sworn I woke up in the middle of the night and I just saw slimy footprints on the door, on the floor, and then a floating bagel bite being chopped.

Speaker 1 Wait a second. Was that sex swing always there?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's just me, guys. That's just me.
It's just Emerald.

Speaker 1 So now people go to the pool, and oh, well, first, Jesse lets out a big, long, two-minute fart.

Speaker 1 Sneak preview of my hotel room later tonight. tonight.

Speaker 1 He's like,

Speaker 1 whoa, I wasn't even done farting and I got a text from Lexi.

Speaker 1 Farting makes me insecure.

Speaker 1 Tee, he, he, he, he.

Speaker 1 I have like really small farts.

Speaker 1 It's been like so hard to have model farts.

Speaker 1 So then Sierra, they're talking about the fact that Emril brought back another girl and Carl's like, yeah, it was crazy.

Speaker 1 He was like making out with her at the table and I was like, that kind of world is like so far now. Like I can't just like meet someone at a club and be like, oh, you're hot and start making out.

Speaker 1 Like, how do you even do that? I'm like, Carl.

Speaker 1 You're sober. You're not, you still get erections.
Come on now.

Speaker 1 He's playing it too hard. He's playing his whole, his, I'm not a douchebag anymore.
I'm Carl 9.0. Like, he's playing it a little too hard.
Yeah, it's a little bit too hard.

Speaker 1 Fix your boner at this point. Just fix your boner.
Because we already knew it was a problem last season when Lindsay's like, we've tried like seven times to have sex.

Speaker 1 And he's like, oh, it's because you don't like my idea of brick and mortar.

Speaker 1 So they all. No one ever stopped getting boners because they were afraid of Elise.
I'm just telling you that right now.

Speaker 1 Who's Elise?

Speaker 1 Actually, remember Elise? Who remembers Elise? Elise Sloan? In New York, yeah.

Speaker 1 She was great.

Speaker 1 God rest her soul. So, anyway, they all go go out.

Speaker 1 There's been an Elise murder in here, man.

Speaker 1 What did Elise do?

Speaker 1 She's the ghost that came in.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Elise. I'm here to fuck Imril.

Speaker 1 So they all go out to the pool. They're hanging out.
And they start asking, they're like, wait a second, we just realized we have a new person living with us.

Speaker 1 I guess we should ask him questions about his life. So Imril, what's the deal with you? And he basically is like, yeah, I was married.

Speaker 1 It actually was, I was a totally different person back then. I I met this girl and I really loved her.
I didn't just marry her for a green card or anything.

Speaker 1 So we went to City Hall. She took the ball gag out of her mouth.

Speaker 1 They said, we've never seen someone in all latex here, but we'll let it slide. I said, a lot of things slide.
It's a new relationship.

Speaker 1 I mean, I will never forget the moment we exchanged cockrings. It was.

Speaker 1 It was special.

Speaker 1 It was really special. And then I just realized, you know, I just had to fuck more people.
And she was like, do it. So it wasn't for a green card, you know.

Speaker 1 And it's basically because I came here as an illegal immigrant. And Kyle goes, so what do they call that? A documented

Speaker 1 in this world where you're talking to fucking Emerald, listening to this story, and you're still more embarrassing, Kyle. Come on.

Speaker 1 Question.

Speaker 1 If you're an illegal alien, are you allowed to promote Loverboy?

Speaker 1 So they're shocked that this guy's actually married or was married. We don't know still, I guess.
I think he's still married, but now they're just fucking. Are these people?

Speaker 1 No, I think they're divorced. And now he was like, I realized after that marriage that if it's not the one, I might as well fuck everything inside until I find the one.
Yeah. Why not?

Speaker 1 Welcome to the gay life.

Speaker 1 Okay, so

Speaker 1 try it. You might like it.
So he's like, yeah, he really, they give him a big long monologue it goes on and on here um and this is the cast's face

Speaker 1 they're like nine out of ten of us have fucked Carl and we're still grossed out

Speaker 1 we thought it'd be like funnier than that

Speaker 1 I know they thought it would be fun you know because it's like the golden girls like Blanche comes and she tells like her slutty stories and they're always good but if it's like if Blanche just came in and she's like, I fucked a lot of people

Speaker 1 and just ate cheesecake, you'd be like, What the fuck is she doing?

Speaker 1 Hope I didn't keep anyone up. We were fisting.
You're like, oh,

Speaker 1 this goes too far. Blanche's going way too far.
So they. And Carl's like, wow, you know, I appreciate you sharing that.
You know, you're like the wind to my non-working wang. It's like, feels great.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what that's like to fist anymore. I can't even go into a sex club anymore and know what to do.

Speaker 1 But I did vote for Obama. Remember the

Speaker 1 believe hope.

Speaker 1 Every gay guy who passed that was like, mmm.

Speaker 1 I was wondering what that was. I was like, wait, what was the connection? I was fist.

Speaker 1 It was like, hope. And every time I passed it, I was like.

Speaker 1 I'll vote for you out of solidarity, but I'm not ready for that.

Speaker 1 So everyone goes home.

Speaker 1 We go back into the city, and then the main event happens, which is a date with Paige and Craig.

Speaker 1 By the way, anyone who watches TikTok, I learned on TikTok today, because I didn't bring my little steamer thing, that if you have clothes and you just rub them really hard with friction, it will iron the clothes.

Speaker 1 Like the heat will iron. It doesn't work.
It's still flipping up. So in case anyone's wondering why I'm giving myself nip jobs, I'm trying to make myself presentable.
That's how the pioneers did it.

Speaker 1 When they're great-great-great-grandfather only made it to Salt Lake by doing self-ironing.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 Craig and Paige go to an Australian restaurant, and based on Australian restaurants on Bravo, I would say not a good sign.

Speaker 1 Not a good sign.

Speaker 1 All right, so they go in and

Speaker 1 you know, they have to order. And

Speaker 1 Paige is like, oh, this is like a legit kangaroo? She's like, oh.

Speaker 1 This is actually Australian. It's not just a cute name.
Oh. Like, does that freak you out?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 you got to try

Speaker 1 new things every once in a while, you know? Like,

Speaker 1 I've tried lion before.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck off.

Speaker 1 How do people watch Craig for five minutes and think, that guy's so cute? He ate a lion. You know, why are we stringing Jimmy Johns up? You know, get Craig.
That is the circle of life.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 Paige is like, I'm trying to think of, like, what's the grossest thing that I've had? Hmm, maybe a lean cuisine once.

Speaker 1 Have you tried squirrel?

Speaker 1 You can't eat a squirrel, Craig. That's a rodent.

Speaker 1 So are penguins, and we eat them.

Speaker 1 We don't eat penguins. No, that's why there was that movie called the Dinner of the Penguins.
It's it's called the March of the Penguins. Sounds nothing like that, Craig.
Stop making stuff up

Speaker 1 with mustard. No, Craig, now you're just making things up.

Speaker 1 So, you know, you gotta do what you need to do to feed your family.

Speaker 1 By the way, so the waitress comes over. I love this.
The waitress comes over and they go, Can you tell us more about the kangaroo?

Speaker 1 And the waitress goes, Well, it's kangaroo,

Speaker 1 and that's it.

Speaker 1 Okay, we'll have that. Yeah, I'll have kangaroo and a cappuccino.
What the fuck?

Speaker 1 The signs were everywhere, people. Everywhere.
What kind of palette do you have?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 Paige is like,

Speaker 1 getting a cappuccino after breakfast is frowned upon in Italy. And also just in my personality.

Speaker 1 You'd met that if you were Italian. He's like, I'm Dutch, so I don't care.
I do what I want. She goes, yeah, well, do you still listen to your parents? He goes, I'm 36 years old.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, in my 31 years on this earth, my mom has never been wrong once. So why all of a sudden when I got married and had kids would she ever be wrong?

Speaker 1 Because I'm going to be your husband and I'm going to have a say in things. Oh, honey.
No, you're not. You're dating Paige.

Speaker 1 Some husbands standing out there really thinking that that's going to happen. Fuck you too.

Speaker 1 We don't marry you to give you a say.

Speaker 1 Fucking dumbasses. If you were getting your way.
Not you. Yeah, if Craig were getting his way, he would still be punching walls in Charleston.
Okay. Paige was like,

Speaker 1 you're going to start wearing polo shirts and make money. Thank you very much.
So she's like, well, sometimes I feel guilty about certain decisions because of my parents, you know, like dating you.

Speaker 1 My mom's disgusted.

Speaker 1 But I still do it. Or like, you know, like Lindsay had a baby and my first reaction was, ew.

Speaker 1 And then my second reaction was like, sustenance is coming out of that. And then my third reaction was, ew.
And then my fourth reaction was, stop reacting, ew.

Speaker 1 And then I thought, my mom's going to be mad that Lindsay had a baby before me. He's like, you want to have babies? She's like, no.

Speaker 1 I just, I don't want to embarrass my mom. And I just, I don't want to be 75 like Lindsay when I have my first baby.

Speaker 1 It's so hard when you're having a geriatric pregnancy and you're actually a geriatric.

Speaker 1 Well, you shouldn't be having a baby because your parents want to be grandparents. You should be having a baby because I want you to have a baby.
You shouldn't do it for your parents.

Speaker 1 You should do it for a man.

Speaker 1 And he's like, oh, you know, I just think it's like a bummer sometimes because like, like, we both have like single lives, but then like we need to be together.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you wear so many shoes and you could be barefoot in the kitchen that I designed. It's like, so it sounds like you're ready for the next step.
And he's like, I'm not ready for the next step.

Speaker 1 I'm just ready for you to take off your fucking shoes and have my baby, you fucking complainer.

Speaker 1 So then they... I brought you a gift.
Oh, my God. It's a red cape with a white hat thing.

Speaker 1 So thanks, Craig. Thanks, Craig.

Speaker 1 But seriously, listen to how he's talking. He's like, no, I don't want anything to change, but you know you can't still have a career like this once we have babies

Speaker 1 Better learn to sew your fucking mouth shut sewing down south

Speaker 1 my god

Speaker 1 is wrong with him well there clearly was a lot of tension but thankfully the kangaroo arrives to

Speaker 1 page is like ew so uh he's like by the way this is kind of like

Speaker 1 a health check on the relationship because like we're happy now and like cut to her frowning

Speaker 1 And like, let's continue because we put effort into it, that we make each other a priority no matter how busy we get. She's like, mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, that's why I feel like you're bringing it up because I feel like there's a tinge of you being like maybe not happy, which is wild because I'm Paige and you're Craig and you should be so fucking happy to even be sitting here having a meal with me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but all I'm saying is like you're like legitimately more successful and busier,

Speaker 1 which is awesome. She's like,

Speaker 1 he's like, yeah, I'm just saying like sometimes it's a bummer that we can't do stuff, like have babies and get married. And she's like, I'm sorry, I'm famous now.

Speaker 1 And he's like, well, if I was being honest, like, if you're busy for the rest of our lives, I just don't see this working out. Bye.

Speaker 1 Can we back this kangaroo and this nasty ass cappuccino up for this bad breath motherfucker and somebody put him on the train? Thank you.

Speaker 1 These cheese.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 She's literally selling out Radio City Music Hall multiple nights in a row, and he's like, come hang out by my pool in Charleston.

Speaker 1 Girl,

Speaker 1 got a friend from college sewing you a couple of pillows. Sit down, sir.

Speaker 1 So she's like, well, it just makes me feel like if I get more successful, like that's a bad thing. And he's like,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 She's like, wait, are you breaking up with me in an Australian restaurant? Do we have to call Ashley Darby? He's like, huh?

Speaker 1 So I just never thought I'd be like in such a submissive relation. Really? Have you not watched the past 10 years of your show?

Speaker 1 when have you not been a fucking wuss cut to naomi craig are you ever gonna leave the house you've been here all week you haven't taken a shower and all you've done is stare at that stupid sewing machine get a fucking life you smell you're like what's the matter with my song

Speaker 1 you've been in nothing but submissive relationships now put the gag back in your mouth and she's like um should i apologize for being strong and independent and he's like yes

Speaker 1 that would be nice. So he's like, I just want you to be everything you want, but then I just want you to give it up to bear my popsicle children and clean my house.
She's like, gross.

Speaker 1 So it just ends. I just wish that she would have just murdered him, maybe, like, killed him.

Speaker 1 Slam his head down on the table. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So that's pretty much that, huh? I thought I had more because I had I was about to go previously on Summerhouse. I wrote that all at the end.
But bringing us to the end of

Speaker 1 Next week on Summerhouse.

Speaker 1 So here's the thing. So the reason why I'm a cake eater is because

Speaker 1 I've had so many struggles in my life. My teeth have been yellow for so long.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of long. I'm kind of living in your short.
Are you eating cake right now?

Speaker 1 Lindsay's trying to steal my soul.

Speaker 1 That brings us to the end of Summerhouse. Thank you so much, Marilyn.

Speaker 1 Thank you for having us back, and we'll see you next time. Good Good night, everyone.

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Speaker 3 Picture this. You're standing on the beach when you notice something strange.
The horizon doesn't look right. At first, all you can see is a thin white line stretching as far as your eyes can see.

Speaker 3 Then, the line starts to rise. But it's not the horizon at all.
It's a wave.

Speaker 1 A 30-foot wall of water.

Speaker 3 And it's racing straight toward you. On the day after Christmas in 2004, a 9.1 magnitude earthquake hit off the coast of Indonesia, triggering a devastating tsunami.

Speaker 3 It struck Thailand without warning. No alarms, no cell phone alerts, no evacuation.

Speaker 3 In this season of Against the Odds, experience one of the deadliest natural disasters in history through the perspectives of those who did everything they could to survive.

Speaker 3 Follow Against the Odds on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Against the Odds Tsunami in Thailand early and ad-free right now on Wondery Plus.