#2763 Summer House Live in Cincinnati: Faptain Kangar-rude

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Hi, Cincinnati.

Hello.

It's been a few years.

We've only been doing this 13 motherfucking years. I'm still like, I'm supposed to record.
It's so exciting to be back in Cincinnati. We haven't been here yet.
You guys, this is a wild crowd. Yes, thank you for coming out.
Of course. They told us the Countess had just been here.
Did you guys come see the Countess, too? Yes. You know, you guys are a wild crowd.
They're like, fuck no. This side is like, no.
He's not aware. I forgot that about this venue, too.
It's kind of an L. It's a V-shape, right? So one side feels one thing, and you all feel another total different thing.
Yeah. We could pitch you guys against each other.
Now, I knew, like, we knew you guys would be a crazy crowd because to this day, there's only been one show in all of the history of Watcher Crappens where someone got arrested and it happened here. It happened here.
We're so proud of you guys. Yeah, you guys have done great work.
We got here and there was a box of Narcan from a local company to give out. Really? They're like, will you take a picture with some Narcan? I'm like, fuck yeah.
I was telling him if anybody has a peanut allergy, they're like, Ronnie, this is not an EpiPen. Good try.
And it really is awesome to be back. I actually came in last night.
Since I had to come in from LA, it takes like, you know, you have to go like all these different routes to get here. So I came in early so I would, you know, be here on time.
And I've had such a fun 24 hours here in Cincinnati. I went to a yoga class.
Everyone's like, yeah! I have to tell you something. It got quieter for yoga though.
They were like, it was so hard. It was like hot Cincinnati yoga.
And I was not expecting that. I've never done hot yoga before.
And I was like, I was once again, I was the only one in the class falling over. And I felt like this weird obligation as someone from LA to be like really good at yoga.
I was like, guys, I'm from LA. I know yoga.

And I was like falling over, sweating.

I had like a puddle around me,

but it was really fun.

There was a super hot guy there.

I was like, good for you, Cincinnati.

Hot guys at yoga.

I don't believe in yoga because if that shit worked,

Buddha wouldn't be so fat.

That's it.

You think his ass was doing the down dog?

No.

I came today. I was sitting next to a meme while on the plane.
She was really cute. And she's like, I need to fit this under my seat.
I said, just put it, do you want me to put it in the overhead thing? And she's like, no, they're cookies. And I was like, well, obviously, no, first rule cookies.
I was like, no one's going to eat them in the overhead. And she's like, no, I have to.
They're important cookies. And I said, how come? And she said, because I'm going to visit my brother who has dementia.
And I was like, oh. And she said, and I'm hoping that the cookies will make him remember things.
Isn't that sweet? I was like, yeah. Every time I take a peanut M&M out of my belly button, I'm like, I remember that Amy Grant concert.
I totally remember.

So I was like, that's so sweet. I hope he remembers them.

And she's like, yeah. And I was like, they must be really good cookies.
And she's like, they sure are.

And then I just stared at her

like,

you're not going to give me a fucking cookie?

What do I...

So I was like, what were we talking

about?

Oh.

Shut up. It was for a cookie.
It was for a cookie. What we will do.
I got a fucking Biscoff cookie after that. And I just crunched it very slowly looking at her.
I did that thing on the airplane. I love when this works.
You know, when they come around with like a little basket of snacks, you know, like you pay like hundreds of dollars

for a plane ticket.

They're like, here's a bag

with one cookie in it.

Yeah.

Here's an old ass Dorito.

Yeah.

So I got, I got like a bag

and then when she came by,

I was like, excuse me,

do you have like another,

can I get like another bag of cookies?

And she's like, sure.

And then they give you like five.

I was like, yes,

that's like the best feeling

of all time.

Also today I went to

Grater's Ice Cream.

It's like an Ohio ice cream, right?

Right?

Love it.

Not to be confused with Jenny's, also Ohio.

Okay, this is clearly the Jenny's side.

This is the Grater's side.

Ice cream fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight.

I thought I was being so clever.

I walked in and I was like, it's my first time in Grater's. Because it was.
And I went up to the lady, I was like, it's my first time here. And I thought she'd be like, oh honey, come on over here.
Let me give you a big thing. And I was like, what are you guys known for? She goes, chocolate chip.
And I was like, okay. I'm so glad when people who have ice cream

don't pretend to be happy.

I'm so sick of fucking happy ice cream people.

We're not eating this because we're happy.

We're eating it because we're fucking depressed.

I know.

I was like, I was trying to get,

you were trying to get a free cookie.

I was trying to get some free ice cream from this lady

and it didn't work.

That wasn't free.

That was homemade.

She should have given me that shit.

She should have.

I offered to put that in the bag of bugs.

Yeah.

Well. Sticker asses.
Lessons learned. Well, welcome to Watch What Crap happens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo.
You know, the first time we were here at Ludlow Garage, we did Summer House. Yes.
Years and years ago. That was our first Summer House live recap, in fact.
Yeah, and we were like, people they're gonna bitch they didn't hate it they did bitch yeah y'all still bitching but you know how many Housewives can there be and right when we went on tour they were like we're not gonna show Housewives anymore I know it's all over I know but we love Summer House and I love that since then Summer House has become such a big popular show because it is a hilarious show. And this season, have you guys been enjoying this season so far? Yeah.
Yeah, it was pretty good so far. Why lie? I mean, this is a pretty good one, you know, as far as, you know, like horrid people going around and stuff.
But I do appreciate what they're bringing to the art world. Kyle is now a musician.
So that's something. He's going on tour.
Did you know that? Yeah, he's got sendy Sundays. And also, like, honestly...
They're disgusted over there. Besides, like, I'd see that.
They're like, fuck that. Can I tell you something? The world is such a shit show right now that it's literally refreshing to me that one thing I can hide away in is a stupid feud about a spritzer.

A spritzer feud is really... I need that right now.
I need it. Well, the other art coming up is Carl is releasing a book.

Oh, yeah.

Have you heard about this?

Did you know about this? Ronnie just told me about this right backstage. Okay, wow.
Oh, hate literature all you want. Carl Radke.
The book is called Cake Eater. Yes.
Yes. Cake Eater.
First of all, no, you're not. Yes.

Last time we checked, you were not eating any cakes.

So he, Ronnie just sent this to me like literally 10 minutes ago.

The cover says, getting high, hitting low.

And trying to stay in the middle.

A journey to self-discovery.

And then it's a picture of him holding a cake sadly.

He's like, ha. And then half his face is covered in the cake.
White jeans, I'm sure. All these years his jeans have been made out of cake.
We just never realized. He'd actually get laid if his jeans were made out of fucking cake.
Why are his skinny jeans? It's like, because they're made of frosting. Yeah, I'd blow Carl if it was cake.
So anyway, Ronnie just sent this. I got so excited.
I had no idea that this was happening. You're so smart to put it on your computer, because I just look like I'm texting.
I'm like, thanks for coming. So I guess he announced it on social media or something, but he has actually,

he's written some paragraphs to explain this book.

And this is real.

We were reading this verbatim.

Carl is like that Bronwyn from Salt Lake City.

She can't just make a post.

Like, look, I'm at the Golden Globes.

It has to be 10 pages of like, well,

like the font on her picture is this small.

You're like, bitch, I'm trying to read this.

When you said Bronwyn, I was thinking Bronwyn from Orange County. And I was like, do you know? Okay, sorry, we're never going to start this recap.
Did you guys see that she posted a thing being like, it was like a few months ago, or two months ago. She was like, five years ago, I began my journey of sobriety.
It began when I went to the Watch What Crappens Golden Crappies. And the audience booed me.
But the audience only booed her because she was standing up for Tamara. So the audience was like, boo! She's like, how dare you! Fuck you! Like stood up and started yelling at everybody.
And she's like, I'd like to publicly apologize to Watch What Crappens. I was like, are you kidding? That's our dream.
She apologized to everyone except for Tom Sandoval that was there that night. Okay, so Carl, so he released his book, and this is what he has to say about it.
He says, to everyone who has followed me, reached out to me,

shared their own stories on recovery,

or just given my mom a really cool hat,

this book is for you.

Thanks for announcing Cake Eater.

I'm proud to announce that my book, Cake Eater,

will be out soon.

You may be asking, why Cake Eater? Or why a book? Why Cake Eater? I want to call the editor and just be like, why Cake Eater? Because you know she eats cake. She's like, you know who needs a book? Carl.
So she's like, he says, Cake Eater. You may be asking why Cake Eater.
Being from the South Hills of Pittsburgh and Upper St. Clair.
Oh. I'm already so excited to find out the rest of the sentence.
Got a halfie. Let's see where this goes.
Other locals will know that Cake Eater is a privileged upper middle class person who has handed everything. While I was called this many times, that wasn't my reality.
Yeah, you guys, no. Just because he appears at the Hamptons every single summer on a TV show and has not had to have a job in seven years does not mean he is an upper middle class privileged man.
Finally a book that teaches us you can be bullied when you're privileged too. So for anyone who's been looking for a book with a title that has a hyper-local reference, specifically of the upper St.
Clair region of South Hills of Pittsburgh, look no further than Cake Eater. We're coming at you.
All right, shall we? Yeah. All right.
Previously on Summer House. another summer woo summer ding ding ding everyone I have an announcement to make um guys my journey started years ago first there was was Everett.
And then I got a taco contract. And then I demanded a man make me sandwiches.
15 minutes later. And then there was Julan.
15 minutes later. And then a bunch of other random guys that didn't deserve me.
15 minutes later. And then there was Carl's Finger.
15 minutes later. And then there was Pizza Beach.
15 minutes later. And then there was Carl's finger.
15 minutes later.

And then there was Pizza Beach.

15 minutes later.

And then there was the rest of Carl.

And now, in the summer of Lindsay, I... You look pregnant, by the way.

Carl!

Carl!

I'm having a baby.

Boo.

Boo.

Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa.
This. This is like really hard on me.
Okay. Yeah, I just, I want you to be softer, not pregnant-er.
And I just, I don't like, I don't even know how to say hi to you. You just say hi, Carl.
Doorknob. No.
Hi. Fish tank.
No, that's not it.

Skinny jeans.

I can't do this.

It's too hard.

It's stressful.

So, West, you had sex with me even though I wanted a boyfriend,

and then you talked shit to me in the New York Times.

Yeah, well, about that. You suck.

You suck, West.

Your hair is fucking stupid.

Yeah.

I'm just like a boy with a girl.

I don't...

You don't even have riz.

You're riz-less.

Oh, I hurt.

Riz-less motherfucker with stupid fucking hair.

Fuck you.

That hurt.

That, like, really hurt.

I don't know what to say.

And then we have Imrule, who says,

Hey, I'm Imrule.

I'm the new guy, Imrule. I ride ride a motorcycle and I fuck.
I fuck a lot. I'm getting a blowjob right now.
Five people, sex swings, lube, raw, unraw, all the things. Upside down, inside out, in a circle.
Circle jerk, square jerk, triangle jerk, all the shapes. I fuck.
Do you want some hand sanitizer? Hey, everyone. I want to welcome everyone, the new person in the house.
Everyone, please welcome Bailey. Bailey? Bailey?

Bailey, where are you at?

Where's Bailey?

Oh, where'd you want?

Hi, I'm Lexi.

Hey, I'm Jesse. People bully me because I'm a model.

What's going on?

I'm Jesse Solomon.

You've got a juicy booty. You like it? Yeah, Papa like it.
What's going on? I'm Jesse Solomon.

You've got a juicy booty.

You like it?

Yeah, Papa like it.

Want to touch it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

You can touch it when you're my husband. And scene.
So that was a little long for those husbands along for the ride. All right.
Well, where we left off, Kyle has just done his annual rage texting of someone. This time it was Paige.
He rage texted her about both Hannah and Craig, and she was not having none of it, and now they're going to talk it out on a beach in Hamptons. Yeah, let's go over and talk about it on a beach.
Now I was in, Paige. All right, look, I'm sorry we're even having to have this conversation.
I know you're your own person and stuff, but I'm in my feels, all right? A lot of things were brought up last night, all right? It was personal, like my business. My business was under attack.
I'm gonna crumble. I'm crumbling.
First of all, I'm not Hannah, and I'm definitely not Craig, thank God. Just want to let you, just remind you of that.
And, like, I told Craig to, like, not do this, and if you're going to, like, do this, then, like, he had to have a conversation with Kyle, and, like, I don't understand why you've been talking to me. Like, I don't even like talking to you when you're not rage-taxing me, so this is even worse.
I mean, Kyle, I'm so supportive of you. I pretended to like Mungfruit Sweetener in my alcohol for six years.
So Danielle's watching from afar. She's like, oh, my God, the body language does not look great.
I'm wacky, Danielle. Danielle, your body language isn't great.
Danielle's like, what are they doing? I'm looking good. This beach looks so different since I was last here.
Oh, how time passes when you're gone for a week. All right, well, you know what? It's not even like competing with me, all right? It's just like, it's a competitor.
It just hurt, you know? It hurts that he's competing with me. Does that make any sense?

No, it doesn't.

I broke down crying.

I cried after we had a text exchange.

I sobbed.

Wait, you cried?

No.

Hold on.

Let me just privately laugh to myself.

I'm just saying it felt like it stabbed me.

It felt like it stabbed me.

I wish.

Have you ever been stabbed before?

Do you want to be?

I know you're your own person.

I know you have no control over all the clothes people in your life are going to stay.

It was just like not wrong.

I mean, I've been smacked.

I don't know.

All right, look, look, look.

I just don't want to be in the middle, okay?

Like, it's like being fashion meat between two poorly dressed buns. All right, look, look, look.
I just don't want to be in the middle, okay? Like, it's like being fashion meat between two poorly dressed buns, right? Like, it's not that I want to be your friend. Like, you're a whiny, entitled alcoholic that refuses to grow up, you know? And in another timeline, I'd probably be dating you right now.
Listen, if you came to me and said, would you be willing to be in the middle of a Coca-Cola feud? I would say yes. But a spritzer feud? No.
I will not do this. But yeah, I'm going to talk to him.
If he genuinely doesn't understand, I've got a detailed pie chart to go over with him. I'll cry in a way that he understands.
You know, I knew that Kyle and I were going to be fine because he's probably too drunk to remember we were in a fight in the first place. So whatever.
I just told him to talk to Craig and Hannah. Whatever.
I'm more... The rest of my thought doesn't even matter because Kyle doesn't even deserve it.
Oh, wow. You've stopped sobbing.
Do you need to make a wee-wee before we go? We're in your bathroom. The earth.
I do.

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For Patty, that friend was Desiree. Until one day...
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So they're fine, obviously,

as they go back to the group. And now that that's

all settled, now Lindsay can do the

Guys, can we talk about my

pregnancy?

Oh my God, look at that seashell. Who has bigger boobs? Me or the seashell? I'm, like, so pregnant.
You guys, I have a question. Since I'm pregnant, do you think my belly button's going to, like, pop out and be an outie? Yes, I have a question.
Who looks more pregnant? Me or the horseshoe crab that's dying over there? Just wondering. I hope you have an Audi.

Audis are fucking hot.

Oh, thanks, Jessie.

Yeah, oh yeah, it's cool that you're pregnant.

It's so cool that you're pregnant, Lindsay.

And then it cuts to Lexi. She's like...

Yeah.

Lexi's like, um...

Do you think my belly button

would ever pop out? I've been so insecure

about my belly button, and now they're talking about belly buttons. This is bullying.
Because they're all like, wow, Lindsay, your boob is, Lindsay, your boob is bigger than I've ever seen it before. Oh, that's pretty good.
And Lexi's like, Lexi's like. Yeah, but I can kind of see where Lexi's coming from because Jesse's like, wow, nice cans.

You guys should touch your cans to each other.

You guys should touch them.

Raw dog it.

Yeah, pull your tits out.

Just raw dog them right now.

It's because I'm pregnant.

I tried to weigh my boobs in Italy

because I was on a pregnancy vacation there

and it was in kilometers instead of pounds. So I still, to this this day don't know how much my pregnant boobs weigh because I'm pregnant.
You measured them in kilometers? Those tits run fast. Fast tits.
Lexi's like, I'm Canadian. I know what those measurements mean.
And then it cuts to Jesse just, or Lexi just looking down at herself and she's like, I mean, like, they're like talking about my biggest insecurity right now. Like, I've had agents in the past be like, you know, you can never get a certain job because of your body type.
And I'm like, just because I don't have double T's, like, I mean, that's not fair. Like, gas up the girls.
But God, I'm a model. Guys, I just found out I can't do gay porn.
It's not fair. I've always been shamed for not having no penis.
They're all talking about them. I cannot get behind a bullying project of this girl.
This is not the Trevor project, ma'am. Okay.
So then Lindsay's still talking about all this stuff and Wes is like, okay, I have a serious question for you. What sport do you think you want your daughter to get into? Or, like, do you want her to go into patch?

Oh, my God, are you about to see pageants?

Are you about to see pageants?

Like, I didn't know.

Daniel's like, pageants?

And Lexi's just like...

Now pageant girls are getting bullied! So Lindsay's like, Well, I grew up in the suburbs, so raising a child in the city is going to be really different. And West is like, Yeah, a lot less yard activity.
How are you supposed to potty train a kid without an outside? I mean, you know, yeah, like, we don't even, like, live together, are you, Daniel? You don't live together, Lindsay? Yeah. But, like, wait.
Fucking Danielle, okay? But, I mean, like, if I weren't pregnant, we wouldn't be living together anyway, so, like, we've only been dating for, like, six months. You don't live with this man, and you let him put a baby inside of you? She's like, well, you didn't live with the balloon guy, and you walked around with, like, a poodle twisted in your badge for, like, months.
Excuse me. She is a CEO and founder.
Please show some respect. Did you guys see Meghan Markle has a new podcast out for founders who else was like Danielle you better get booked oh my god the Meghan Markle can we cover the Meghan Markle cooking show please do you guys see it you know what I love jam it just makes me feel so one of the people I taste this jam and I feel like maybe I could be walking on a sidewalk I don't know the first 20 minutes was her putting things into successively smaller plastic bags my favorite thing to do is take Epsom salts and just put them in a bag and then put that bag in a smaller bag and then I cut it in half, cook it with some pasta and put it in an even smaller bag.
I just want my guests to feel at home. People hate that girl.
I was watching her make toast and there were eggs being splattered on the window. I was like, man, they even found her set.
They hate her. So Lindsay's like, um, yeah, we don't have to live together to have a baby because, like, you know, like, having a baby puts enough pressure on a relationship without having to live together, too.

But what is he going to move in, Lindsey?

I can't deal with this.

Is he ever going to move in?

Like, how do you know that he's even suitable for you if you don't even live with him?

He's like, yeah, well, like, to move in together, like, we need to have, like, a normal pace to this relationship.

You're pregnant.

You're six months pregnant.

I like Lindsay.

He's like, we need to take it slow.

First, we have a baby.

Yeah.

Then we go to coffee together.

Then we're like, damn, girl.

But Danielle's still such a judgmental asshole.

You know, I'm allowed to be because I'm not her friend. If that was my friend'd be like you go girl don't you ever marry that man unless he fucking deserves it why should you move in with a man but I'm me so I get to say it but yeah Danielle sucks I mean look Danielle look I can imagine being concerned with my friend who just got a whatever term relationship it was with Carl and then being like, and suddenly I'm pregnant with a new person.
I can imagine being like, whoa, what's going on? And I do love that Lindsay's response to make sure Danielle feels like everything's okay. She's like, well, he found our baby nurse.
He looked up a restaurant on Yelp once, so he's

pretty active in this.

And Danielle's like, I mean,

normal couple pace? I think the ship

sells on that one. I mean,

if it's going well,

why wouldn't you want him there physically all

the time? Why give him the opportunity

to not be there? Does that sound like kidnapping?

It's not

kidnapping if you're in love, right?

Hold on, my ring cam's...

My ring cam's...

Oh, shit.

The UPS guy is trying to untie himself.

Hold on.

It's really cute.

We might have something going.

I think the reason why Lindsay doesn't want him there

is because she wants the relationship to last.

So...

Well, at this point, look.

You're saying, like, you're saying

if it was your friend you'd be

like worried but if it was me and i was like i'm gonna have a baby you wouldn't be like move in

with a guy i mean for the baby's sake nobody needs to see me with somebody else i would i would be

like baby just say do you have a maid that's all you need to ask i'd just be like it was it was

great being friends with you i had a great time um that's the role of a gay man i'd be like guys

Thank you. We had a great time.
That's the role of a gay man. Every time you left town, I'd be like, guys, Ben's out of town today.
Thankfully, little Rondal is here. Rondal.
Little baby. It's like Muppet Babies.
It's like Ronnie up here. Who's the best house on? He's a Vanderpump.
Good job. Here's an M&M.
Go to your room. Hey, uh, let's play some Can Jam.
So, now it's time for the... Why is everyone shocked that Turner and I don't live together? Like, for once, I'm not moving too fast.
I'm pregnant! I mean, I'm doing all the right steps. Thanks to Carl, I had a bachelorette party.
And then I got to plan my wedding and now I have a baby. She's actually kind of done everything right.
It's just been with different people. Yeah, at this point, like, Lindsay's want, look, she's put a lot of time into those PowerPoints.
Just let her have the baby. Remember she made that to-do list.
There was a list, there was a PowerPoint. She was like, by 2025, I want to have a bachelorette party.
I want to

have a man. I want to have a baby.

I want to have an apartment. I want to be an

influencer or whatever the fuck. She's done it all.

Yeah. And in every

step of the way that she's like, I want to have

this. I want to have this.
I want to have this. She's really

only been stuck with Danielle.

So I'm just like, let her have her baby.

Let her let this step of it come true

and it'll all be good. So now the

guys start playing. What is this

Thank you. had been stuck with like Danielle.
So I'm just like, let her have her baby. Let her let this step of it come true and it'll all be good.

So now the guys start playing, you know.

What is this game, Cam Jam?

You throw frisbees into a trash?

Throw your trash into a trash.

How about, let's make a game out of that,

you fucking beach ruiners.

Why can't they just sit still?

Every time they go to the beach,

they always have to play like one of these stupid games. Just sit still and tan ruiners? Why can't they just sit still? Every time they go to the beach, they always have to play

one of these stupid games.

Just sit still and tan, okay?

I need more cans talk.

Why are people always

moving around to the beach?

So Jesse is checking in

with West and everything,

or West is checking in with Jesse,

and he's like,

I haven't seen you talk about Lexi today. He's like, oh, don't worry.
I actually talked about her quite a bit in the car. It's like, oh, thank God, thank God.
He's like, you know, I mean, that girl talking to me, like she wants to be with me, you know, it's like really, she's jealous. Like that kind of scares me.
That really does kind of scare me.

When she told me she really only wanted

to be with me when I was in a relationship,

so I fucked her and now I'm refusing to be in a

relationship with her. Chicks, am I right?

It's crazy.

It's crazy how when you love bomb

someone that they can start to get jealous.

It's crazy.

So Wes is like, well, she

does kind of owe you, you know,

after like taking my guy, you know, if I had to go to club solo.

And then Jesse gets like all sad.

He's like, yeah, by the way, last night I thought it was interesting

that you left everyone behind.

It was just like weird.

Like in summer, you shouldn't have to do that.

He spent the night on a sofa somewhere else.

He didn't cheat on you.

He's like, I'm terrified of Sierra, though.

I had to.

I had to sleep on the couch.

Why haven't we talked about what West is wearing, by the way?

Listen, I saw this teenage boy today.

You know what I'm going to say.

With the hair.

He's got the perm and the hair come forward. And I just walked past him and, you know, did like every older person does.
I just went, fucking idiot. And laughed.
You know? But I can't imagine being like twice that age and being like, I'm perming my hair and I'm coming it forward. It's going to look great.
You know what I should do is get a grandma scarf and tie it around my head and then put a sun hat over it. Yeah.
With a sleeveless tennis sweater from 1930. Stop trying so hard.
You're already youngish. You're already Finnish.
He's got the fame bug. He's already, you know, we're losing him.
We've lost him. He's gone.
He's just an empty husk now, just trying to make his way onto Traders some season. Let be honest Traders has too much taste they're going to be like no Alan will take one good look at that fashion and be like no first murder Alan commits yeah let's just say right now no West on Traders okay anyone else no west every round table we'd be like but i didn't do anything and also sounds like if you're standing in the next room and you can only hear like the vibrations through a wall that That's how Wes sounds.
So his lip biting. It would take him so long to accuse someone at the round table too.
He'd be like, I just I'm like, really I'm like scared to say this. I'm like, okay, I'm done with the traitors.

You know, like I thought maybe we had something,

but maybe we don't have anything.

We're not trying to date you, motherfucker.

Just say who murdered whoever else. By the way,

I was just going to say, Ronnie, you

were so right the other day on the podcast.

That's all you needed to say. Stop there.

Show's over. Thank you so much for coming.

Well, it's not like I doubted

you on this, but I finally got to see it with my

own eyes. Gabby from The Traitors.
Her social media has just been so wonderful. She's so good.
I listened to her podcast. Have you guys ever heard her podcast? Long-winded with Gabby.
She's like, I don't want to fucking do this podcast today. But I fucking have to.
Because I have contracts and agents. So here I am talking to you, long labiaed motherfucker.
Today she was like, so I got a call from my psychiatrist cause I'm crazy. And the traitor psychiatrist called my psychiatrist.
She was like, just so you know, this show has themes of deception and lying and murder. And I was like, stop.
It's a game. Love her.
Check it out. Long-winded with Gabby.
What's your face? Okay. My lady is so long.
I was like, for me, it's like a horror show and a podcast. I love it.
I've learned so many things. Okay, so Jesse's still having his heart-to-heart with Wes, and he's like, you know, it's just so weird, bro.
Like, you're just so secretive now. And he's like, do you think I'm losing myself? And he's like, no, you're still cheesy and badly dressed.
You know, it's just that gaslighting women is more fun when it's a team sport, bro. It's only me here alone.
It's like only the second weekend in the house. He's like, man, what's going on this summer? You've changed.
So now they come back from the beach and our old friend, the Stubborn Door, is back. Last weekend, it was like, they were all so happy.
They're like, oh my God, like the door's working. And I think we've all been there with stubborn doors where the door gives you that moment of hope.
You're like, thank god. Things are fixed.
We'll never go back to the dark days of you being a stubborn door. Sorry, I jammed the lock.
I just didn't want any guys trying to get out. D, I'm looking for some D.
D, I'm home. So they're all getting ready to do dinner things, and West says that they're going to go to dinner with Carl Beast.
Where did Carl Beast come from? Was that approved by the community? But he doesn't even come up with original ones for everybody. He goes, Carl Beast, Jess Beast,

Paige.

Ah, fun fact.

Growing up in Pittsburgh,

specifically the South Hills near Upper St. Clair,

Carl Beast actually means

that you're a very, very poor person.

So Danielle and Lindsay are talking. Oh, no, sorry.
Lindsay calls Turner, her guy, Turner. And she's like, oh, my God.
Is this Turner? And he's like, yeah. And she's like, Danielle says hi, babe.
And Danielle's like, hi, stop trying to run. I can see you.
And everyone's still there. All this activity happening in the house.
Emeril comes into the kitchen and Kyle's like, whoa, did you change since I last saw you? It's like, you are living in a house. People change clothes.
You're at a beach. He's not wearing a bathing suit anymore.
Yes. So they're getting ready and poor Carl, you know, and I get, like, when you're fucked up, a lot of the times you don't know how to do things not

fucked up, you know what I mean? And he's still

new at it, and he's still learning. Thankfully,

I've only ever shopped at Old Navy, so

it's like the same for me wherever I go.

But Carl doesn't really get that,

and so he walks into the room, and he's like, hey,

everybody, ready to go out? And they're like,

whoa!

And Lindsay's like, um, are those Crocs? And then he goes, yeah, these bright green Crocs. And he goes, oh, they're like little clog things.
Crocs, they're Crocs. Oh, I guess I'm just a cake eater then.
Oh, this is what you want to be. And he goes, am I going to get made fun of again tonight? I'm like, Carl, you can't even wear Crocs.
Come on. Be soft with my Crocs.
Thanks to Crocs, they're an advertiser. Love your stuff.
We love the Crocs. So Jesse is now saying bye to Lexi.
He's like, uh, bye, scene of it. You're not going to come out? She's like, no, just have fun without me.
But I want you to text me how much you love me non-stop. But not about boobs.
Or Audis. So then one half of the house goes out to dinner.
The other half stays behind and they have fascinating conversations such as, Kyle saying to Sierra, were you napping? Yeah, I was in my bed. I was like setting the mood.
I lit some candles. I turned off the lights.
I scrolled. I threw dirty clothes on my bed.
Then I was like, fuck those fucking dirty clothes. I threw on the fucking floor after that.
But then I picked him up and I put him on my bed again. And then I like fucking rolled around on him.
What are you doing? Kyle's like, they're like, Sierra, what's your storyline this season? She's like, clothes on the bed. Fuck do you think it is? Kyle's like, I'm just trying to find a way to prolong this spritzer fight.
So can I talk about a little bit? They're like, no. So Sierra's like, what's the vibe with y'all? Because, you know, Craig's going to come.
And he's like, well, I had one idea of friendship, and he had another idea of friendship, so, you know. Am I the first person to catch Craig blatantly lying? No.
And by the way, he continues to lie about getting kicked out of my wedding. No doubt.
Ooh. It's a fun little.
So he did get kicked out of that wedding after all. And to get kicked out of Kyle's wedding, Kyle probably got kicked out of his own wedding.
Yeah, let's be honest. That little guy's too drunk.
Get him out. That wedding's caused a lot of drama.
I love that. I love that for that wedding.
So you know why he got kicked out, right? Do you remember? Why Craig got kicked out? Did he get drunk and start berating someone like everyone on Bravo seems to do? Yeah, but it's really good. Okay, so they were getting married at the parents' estate or something, right? Right, in New Jersey.
And so only the bridal party could pee inside, and everybody else had to go in a porta potty. And so Craig tried to go inside.
I love this show. I love Craig, too.
What an idiot. So he's like, I'm going inside.

Because why would I go to port-a-potty?

I'm rich.

And the brother-in-law was like, no, you have to go in the port-a-potty.

You're not in the bridal party.

And so the sister-in-law's like, yeah.

And then Craig's like, yeah, fuck you.

And he started yelling at the sister-in-law until she started crying.

And he got kicked out because he wouldn't piss in a port-a-potty.

That's like some Ramona singer level shit. So good.
So Craig is coming next weekend. Emeril will be coming tonight.
I'm sorry, I have to interrupt you. So sorry.
One more point. Let's all remember that Paige at all totally blasted Lindsay for this shit all those years ago.

Never fucking forget.

Paige may be cuter and more fun and funny, but Lindsay's usually

right. Listen to Lindsay.

I said it. I don't fucking

care. An old lady already kept me

from cookies today.

Think you're going to scare me?

I stole those cookies too. What if I did?

What if I was like, and then I pushed that old lady down and I took a fucking cookie? Commercials. Here comes one right now.
At 24, I lost my narrative. Or rather, it was stolen from me.
And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours.
Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.
My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful.
Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
So now we go out to the people going out to the restaurant and it's like Jesse, West, Carl, Amanda, and Paige. So they're all sitting down, they're all talking, and Paige is like, oh, by the way, Lexi's not here.
How do you feel about that, Jesse? He's like, it's great, Paige. I love it so much.
You're looking wonderful tonight, Paige. You're looking sexy with those earrings.
He's like, okay, so you're right back at it. Great, love to hear that.
Yeah, and Jesse's like, well, I mean, I need to hear Paige. What if we get married, huh? And Carl's like, oh, you and Jesse? Whatever happened to us? Whatever happened to us? He's like, I'll marry you when I want to eat on a fucking Wednesday.
On a Groupon day, Carl. I'll cheat on Jesse with you, Carl, in 60 years.
So then we see, six summers ago, Carl and Paige making out in the pantry. That was disturbing.
Paige was so young and fresh back then. And Carl was like, come, come into the closet.
I know. Can you imagine going into the pantry with Carl now? He's like, oh, so hold on.
It's like, oh my God, are you trying to kiss me? No, I'm just actually trying to reach those Lorna Deans behind you. Yeah, I love these cookies.
Are they cookies or are they biscuits? I don't know. It's just really, really hard being in a closet after what Lindsay put me through.
Oh, shut the fuck up. Burn the closet.
So Wes is like, so when did you last have sex? He's like, guys, like, I just came to the house this summer because I want to, like, learn and, like, be single. And, like, can I be honest? I looked over at Lindsay, and she's the last person I had sex with.
And now she's pregnant. You do the math.
And they're like, wait.

I know it's been a lot of months,

but I do take a while.

I'm a late bloomer.

I'm a late bloomer.

Yeah.

Guys, this is really hard for me.

Like, can everyone just hold my hand right now?

Let's just,

I never want to be really tender

because I got to say,

I haven't had sex in a year.

And they're like, whoa.

Gross. Stupid.
Why would you do that to yourself? I couldn't do that. I even have sex with Craig.
Jesse's literally, he's like, but I mean, Carl, you could walk outside here in the Hamptons and have sex with whoever you want. And he's like, cut to count just the way I'm going.
Like, you're damn right he could. Right here if you can sag Harper, let me tell you something.
Nothing's sagging in this Harper. Get over here, boy.
Well, guys, just like emotionally, it hasn't felt right. And no one can appreciate a half a boner like Lindsay could.

You know, other girls make partial impotence sound like a hindrance,

but Lindsay would just dance,

and she would just aim and dance like nobody's watching, you know.

Missed that girl.

What were we talking about?

West is like, damn, he needs, like, a subscription to Brazzers or something,

like some porn. Did anybody else to Brazzers or something, like some porn.

Did anybody else Google Brazzers after that?

Straight people are crazy.

Everyone knows what Brazzers is.

I mean, I felt like gay people were the perverts.

That's what I always learned growing up.

Like, you're perverted.

You're going to hell.

I'm like, we're going to hell.

You've been to Brazzers?

Good Lord. They're next coming out every place.
I don't have a subscription to Brazzers, but I do have a subscription to Brazzers, which is like women moderately dressed. So I don't want to get a boner because I just want to be soft.
I just renewed my subscription to ankles. Ladies lifting their skirts in the 20s.
So Paige is like, oh my God, I just love this juxtaposition so much. You know, Carl became a priest and Lindsay's pregnant with her third child.
Yeah, I haven't really been dating like the past seven or eight months. My focus has just been trying to take care of myself, which is what I've been saying for five years on this show.
I just want to get rid of all this anger and resentment I have towards the person that I dumped. Yeah, it's like been so hard having so much anger and resentment to the woman I embarrassed on national television.
You know, when you get dumped, it's hard, but when you're the dumper, you have so much anger.

It's really rough.

It's really rough, guys.

So they cheers and stuff.

And they're like, oh, wow, yeah. To West getting some cuddy.

What's that?

I've never heard that term.

What did you say?

I didn't hear it.

Oh, sorry.

To Carl getting some cuddy.

Cuddy? What is cuddy?

Is that correct? Did I write that correct?

No one here knows what it is either.

We all need a browser subscription

in here. We're like, cuddy!

I assume anything with two syllables

and two double letters is slang for pussy, right?

Cuddy, pussy,

buppy, guppy,

putty. Guppy? Yeah, like, bro, I got some guppy last night.
That sounds like an offense that could put you behind bars. Yeah.
That's straight people shit. It's a baby fish.
Gross. So now they're asking somebody else if they're dating.
I don't know. And Amanda's like, oh, West.
And Amanda's like, that's a wild question to ask West if he's dating West. How many girls are you fucking? And he's like, guys, technically speaking, people just mostly make fun of my hair and my outfits.
But I do have a dating show coming out on the

internet so that's

not your dating life. What the fuck are you

talking about? Get that scarf off your car.

I know. He's trying to promote it.

He says he has a show called West

Date Ever and

we see footage of him on a

quote unquote date with Hawk Tua.

But it is actually kind of fitting because you know

everybody who goes on a date with West

says that at some point.

Did you ever know

and they're talking about how old they are because Paige is

like oh my god I'm so old I've never even

seen the original Hawk Tua video. I saw

it recently. Have you seen it? I have yeah.

I still

don't understand why she's a thing, but I have seen it, yes. What, are you the first person to spit? I could have been rich years ago.
What the hell? I didn't know that would make you famous. Anything these days.

So West is like, yeah, right now my job is really tough because I have to fly around a lot and go on dates with Hak Tua.

And the worst thing is that now I just throw away my recycling

and I used to take time to wash it out, but now I don't even do it anymore.

I'm so busy I can't even wash out Chinese takeout containers anymore. It's like, you poor fucking thing, Wes.
So now they're talking about Lexi and Jessie. And Carl's like, yeah, is it official yet? No, Jessie has some concerns.
Jessie, tell him. Yeah, she'd made a few comments where he took it like, you might be a jealous girlfriend,

right? And she's like, yeah, and he asked if you were gonna

keep commenting on my photos. Please

keep commenting on my photos.

Poor Amanda. She needs that.

She's married to Kyle. She needs all the validation

she can get.

Sad but true.

I'm gonna start commenting on her photos.

She's like, I'm selling these nice new sweaters for Christmas.

Nice cans.

Hashtag hock to her.

Kyle.

So they're like, well, I mean, she really likes you, obviously.

You know how you can tell?

Has she called you Cocaine Jesse yet?

Or suggested you'll never have an idea that's profitable? You know, Hawk to a... It actually means something quite different.
If you live in a certain part of Pittsburgh, in the south part... It means that you have a library card.
Only the working class. Only the working class with Bentleys.
It means you. So Jesse's like, yeah, guys, you know, I thought I'd be leaving this weekend exclusive with her, but I just don't know anymore.
Shut up. Why are you acting like that with her then? When you're around her, you're like, I don't want to look at anything but you and your juicy booty, baby.
If we're going to be together, we're going to be together. And then he gets away from her.
He's like,

Vulcan Stalker, get away from me.

I know. What do I do?

Seriously.

What do I do?

So,

back at the house, Kyle is at

his little DJ setup at Club Send It,

and he's like, ladies and gentlemen,

the Chevy Lumina

has arrived.

I laugh at him, but I know I would 100% be doing the same thing. Anytime anything shows up at the door, I'd be like, hold on, guys.
I got to get to my DJ setup. Ladies and gentlemen, an Amazon box has arrived.
Please pick it up. So Sierra's like, hey, Paige, you want to do a TikTok? And she's like, no.
Do it, Paige.

No talk. Come on, Paige, do a TikTok.

Diana Fire Talk. Diana Fire Talk.

I'm not doing that shit. So Paige won't do it.

So the rest of them do a TikTok.

I'm surprised Wes wasn't there, actually, because that seems

like the worst thing. Elbow dance.

I'm into it.

And then, yeah, they all go out, they party,

they come back, and then we get

I guess the new tradition on this season, which is that Imrule brings back a ghost. He fucks a ghost.
He brings back a little arrow. I mean, he really likes him thin.
Every one of them has just looked like this. I know.
It's like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. At this point, I'm like, is he just boning a door? It's like you see a door open and it's like,

Emeril's visitor.

Carl's like, hey, Casper,

ladies are in there eating some bagel bites.

All right, if you want some. I'm sorry I didn't catch your name.

And Emeril's like, don't worry.

She'll catch plenty tonight.

I guarantee it.

Which, by the way, it really sucks for these visitors

because if they're hoping to get on TV

and then they're getting edited to be basically like Niles' wife on Frasier, that sucks. Yeah, because you know they're signing those releases.
They're just like, no, we're not giving you the pleasure. Well, there's a lot of releases happening there.
Legal releases, guys. God, stop watching Brazzers.
So now Lexi and Jesse are in bed, and he's like, I'm going to go. She's like, where are you going? No, no, no, I'm trying.
He's like, sorry, I was trying to get into your pants. You can't really blame me for trying, right? I mean, you've got such a juicy booty.
And she's like, oh my God, I've always been so insecure about my booty when I talk about it so now it's the next morning the ghost has left the house and they leave early too what is Emeril doing to these girls oh no I'm not like that if I sleep with somebody I'm sleeping in I don't care where it is it could be be on a bus bench. I'll be like, give me a bagel.
Yeah. So we see a trail of lube going to the door.
I mean, you saw, was it last week when Wes, like, fell down the stairs a little bit? You know why. You know why.
So Jesse and Lexi wake up, and he's like, you're so pretty. Like, every time I look in your eyes in the morning with no makeup, I'm like, God, this girl's so fucking pretty.
But also, why does her nose look like a twig? Is that in my mind? And she's like, um, it's called contouring. My gold nose is a pinky finger.
So are you feeling... Because she really does.
Her nose is beautiful, but she contours it like this. It looks like snot dripping from her eyebrows just down her...
Well, the family that contours together stays together. That's what we've learned from her family.
No, that other girl, her sister doesn't contour. What's the opposite of contour? Where you're just like, make it look like one big...
I believe that's called a pro tour. She just gets that lipstick and puts it all over her face.
She doesn't care. It's my sister Tiffany.
She's like, oh gosh. That girl's crazy-faced.
Yeah. We need more Tiffany.
I want some Tiffany on this. I know.
She does come on looking like she's doing Phantom of the Opera with makeup. If the chandelier fell on to Carlotta.
Did you know that Lexi has a podcast with her mom and her sister called The 69 Girls? I can't.

With your mom?

Come on.

I can't believe I missed that compelling content.

I was so distracted by Carl's press release.

What?

His press release.

Press release.

I know all in one episode,

we're getting Cake Eater and 69 girls.

Yeah.

So Jesse's like, yeah, you're so pretty. Are you feeling good about us? Because I feel great about us.
That's why I told everyone you're becoming a raging, jealous bitch. Anyway, what do you think? She's like, yeah, I'm pretty good.
Although I just started to realize you're not famous. And I've been dating famous guys.
Yeah. So I just want you to know, I can be jealous.
He's like, I know. It's like, okay, but now that we're in bed, we can talk about it.
Because being a model, basically my entire existence, since I was 10 years old, I was completely picked apart. It's been so hard.
I'm never good enough. Everyone keeps saying, oh, Jesse's a boob guy.
Jesse's a boob guy. He's like, what? Who said that I'm a boob guy?

Cut to... What?

Are you getting a Charlie horse?

I had one this morning in bed.

Thanks to yoga.

Just be careful.

That was nice. Okay.
For those listening at home, Ronnie just circled the chair. Yeah, I needed a separate cross.
That was nice. That was adorable.
Hey, by the way, you feeling good about us? I'm feeling really insecure. It's like so hard being so pretty.
So he's like, wait, who says I'm a boob guy? That's ridiculous. She's like, everyone.
Well, no one said that Jesse's a boob guy, right? Because we see clips that prove that they didn't. But you're right.
He is like, hey, nice tits. He's like, Uber's here, guys.
Love your cans. Love your cans.
Hey, Wes, don't worry about not doing the recycling because I will always take care of some cans.

So he's like, I'm not a boob guy.

I'm a butt guy.

Yeah, show me that juicy booty.

Yeah, juicy booty.

So she's like, well, I've always been insecure about my butt, too.

What do you think about my elbow skin?

He's like, it's hot.

Can I put my dick on it?

I'm only giving up this waddle when I'm engaged.

So then everyone else is waking up and everything.

And Paige is like, wait a second.

Something smells oily.

Was there someone in here last night?

Was there a person in this house that we just never saw?

I mean, I seem to remember saying hi to something,

but I thought that was a floating vase.

I could have sworn I woke up in the middle of the night, and I just saw slimy

footprints on the door, on the floor,

and then a floating bagel bite

being chopped.

Wait a second. Was that sex

swing always there?

Oh, that's just me, guys.

That's just me. It's just Emerald.

So now people go to Thank you. Wait a second.
Was that sex swing always there? Oh, that's just me, guys.

That's just me.

It's just Emerald.

So now people go to the pool.

Oh, well, first Jesse lets out a big, long two-minute fart.

Sneak preview of my hotel room later tonight.

He's like...

Whoa, I wasn't even done farting, and I got a text from Lexi. Farting makes me insecure.
He, he, he, he, he. I have like really small farts.
It's been like so hard to have model farts. So then Sierra, they're talking about the fact that Emeril brought back another girl and Carl's like, it was crazy he was like making out with her at the table and I was like that kind of world is like so far now like I can't just like meet someone at a club and be like oh you're hot and start making out like how do you even do that I'm like Carl you're sober you still get erections come on now he's playing hard.
He's playing his whole, I'm not a douchebag anymore. I'm Carl 9.0.
He's playing it a little too hard. It's a little bit too much.
Fix your boner. At this point, just fix your boner.
Because we already knew it was a problem last season when Lindsay's like, we've tried like seven times to have sex. And he's like, oh, it's because you don't like my idea of brick and mortar.
So they all

No one ever stopped getting boners because they were afraid of Elise. I'm just telling you that right now.
Who's Elise? Actually, remember Elise? Who remembers Elise? Elise Sloan? From New York, yeah. She was great.
God rest her soul. So, anyway, they all go out...
There's been an Elise murder in here tonight. See? What did Elise do? She's the ghost that came in.
Hi, I'm Elise. I'm here to fuck Emeril.
So, they all go out to the pool. They're hanging out, and they start asking.
They're like, wait a second. We just realized we have a new person living with us.
I guess we should ask him questions about his life. So Imral, what's the deal with you? And he basically is like, yeah, I was married.
It actually was, I was a totally different person back then. I met this girl, and I really loved her.
I didn't just marry her for a green card or anything. So we to City Hall she took the ball gag out of her mouth they said we've never seen someone in all latex here but well we'll let it slide I said a lot of things slide like I mean the mom will never forget the moment we exchanged cock rings it was it was special it was it was really special and then I just realized know, I just had to fuck more people.
And she was like, do it. So it wasn't for a green card, you know? And it's basically because I came here as an illegal immigrant.
And Kyle goes, so, what do they call that, a documented? In this world, where you're talking to fucking Emeril, listening to this story, and you're still more embarrassing, Kyle. Come on.
Ah, question. If you're an illegal alien, are you allowed to promote Loverboy? So they're shocked that this guy's actually married, or was married.
We don't know still, I guess. I think he's still married, but now they're just fucking other people? I think they're shocked that this guy's actually married or was married we don't we don't know still i guess i think he's still married but now they're just fucking other people or i don't think they're divorced and now he was like i realized after that marriage that if it's not the one i might as well fuck everything inside until i find the one yeah why not welcome to the gay life yeah okay so try it you might like it so like...
He really... They give him a big, long monologue.
It goes on and on here. And this is the cast's face.
They're like, nine out of ten of us have fucked Carl and we're still grossed out by you. I know.
We thought it would be funnier than that. I know, they thought it would be fun, you know? Because it's like the golden girls, like Blanche comes and she tells her slutty stories and they're always good.
But it's like if Blanche just came in and she's like, I fucked a lot of people. I just ate cheesecake.
You'd be like, what the fuck is she doing? Hope I don't keep anyone up. We were fisting.
You're like, yes, goes too far. Blanche going way too far.
And Carl's like, wow, you know, I appreciate you sharing that. You know, you're like the wind to my non-working wang.
It's like, it feels great. I don't even know what that's like to fist anymore.

I can't even go into a sex club anymore and know what to do.

But I did vote for Obama.

Never the path to like believe.

Hope!

Every gay guy who passed that was like, mm.

I was wondering what that was. I was like, what was the connection? that was like, mmm.
I was wondering what that was. What was the connection? It was like, hope.
And every time I passed it, I was like, I'll vote for you out of solidarity, but I'm not ready for that. So everyone goes home.
We go back to the city, and then the main event happens, which is a date with Paige and Craig. By the way, anyone who watches TikTok.
I learned on TikTok today because I didn't bring my little steamer thing. That if you have clothes and you just rub them really hard with friction, it will iron the clothes.
Like the heat will iron. It doesn't work.
It's still flipping up. So in case anyone's wondering why I'm giving myself nip jobs, I'm trying to make myself presentable.
That's how the pioneers did it. Heather Gay's great-great-great-grandfather only made it to Salt Lake by doing self-ironing.
So Craig and Paige go to an Australian restaurant, and based on Australian restaurants on Bravo, I would say, not a good sign. Not a good sign.
Alright, so they go in, and they have to order, and Paige is like, oh, this is a legit kangaroo? She's like, yeah. This is actually Australian.
It's not just a cute name. Oh.
Does that freak you out? Like, you gotta try new things every once in a while, you know? Like, I've tried lion before. Oh, fuck off.
How do people watch Craig for five minutes and think, that guy's so cute. He ate a lion.
You know? Why are we stringing Jimmy Johns up? Get Craig. It's the circle of life.
Big game eater motherfucker. Paige is like, I'm trying to think of, what's the grossest thing that I've had? Maybe a lean cuisine once?

Have you tried squirrel?

You can't eat a squirrel, Craig.

That's a rodent.

So are penguins and we eat them.

We don't eat penguins.

No, that's why there was that movie called The Dinner of the Penguins.

It's called The March of the Penguins.

It sounds nothing like that, Craig.

Stop making stuff up.

With mustard.

No, Craig, now you're just making things up.

So, you know, you got to do what you need to do

to feed your family.

By the way, so the waitress comes over.

I love this.

The waitress comes over and they go,

can you tell us more about the kangaroo?

The waitress goes, well, it's kangaroo. And that's it.
Okay, we'll have that. Yeah, I'll have kangaroo and a cappuccino.
What the fuck? The signs were everywhere, people. Everywhere.
What kind of palate do you have? And so... Paige is like, getting a cappuccino after breakfast is frowned upon in Italy and also just in my personality.
He'd met that if you were Italian. He's like, I'm Dutch, so I don't care.
I do what I want. She goes, yeah, well, do you still listen to your parents? He goes, I'm 36 years old.
Yeah, well, in my 31 years on this earth, my mom has never been wrong once. So why all of a sudden when I got married and had kids, would she ever be wrong? Because I'm going to be your husband and I'm going to have a say in things.
Oh, honey. No, you're not.
You're dating Paige DeSorvo. And any husband standing out there really thinking that that's going to happen.

Fuck you, too.

We don't marry you to give you a say.

Fucking dumb asses.

If you were getting your way.

Not you.

Yeah, if Craig were getting his way, he would still be punching walls in Charleston.

Okay, Paige was like, you're going to start wearing polo shirts and make money.

Thank you very much. So she's like, well, sometimes I feel guilty about certain decisions because of my parents.
You know, like dating you. My mom's disgusted.
But I still do it. Or like, you know, like Lindsay had a baby and my first reaction was, ew.
And then my second reaction was like, sustenance is coming out of that. And then my third reaction was, ew.

And then my fourth reaction was, stop reacting, ew.

And then I thought, my mom's going to be mad

that Lindsay had a baby before me.

He's like, you want to have babies?

She's like, no.

I just, I don't want to embarrass my mom.

And I just, I don't want to be 75 like Lindsay

when I have my first baby.

It's so hard when you're having a geriatric pregnancy

and you're actually a geriatric.

Well, you shouldn't be having a baby

because your parents want to be grandparents.

You should be having a baby

because I want you to have a baby.

You shouldn't do it for your parents.

You should do it for a man.

And he's like, oh, you know,

I just think it's like a bummer

sometimes cause like we both

have like single lives

but then like we need to be together

and like you wear so many shoes and you could be

barefoot in the kitchen

that I designed

so it sounds like you're ready for the next step

and he's like I'm not ready for the next step

I'm just ready for you to take off your fucking shoes

and have my baby you fucking complainer

I brought you a gift. Oh, my God.
It's a red cape with a white hat thing. Thanks, Craig.
Thanks, Craig. But seriously, listen to how he's talking.
He's like, no, I don't want anything to change, but you know you can't still have a career like this once we have babies. You better learn to sew your fucking mouth shut, sewing down south.
My God. What the fuck is wrong with him? Well, there clearly was a lot of tension, but thankfully the kangaroo arrives to...
Paige is like, ew. So, uh, he's like, by the way, this is kind of like a health check on the relationship because, like, we're happy now.
Well, and like, ew. So, he's like, by the way, this is kind of like a health check on the relationship, because we're happy now.
And cut to her frowning. And let's continue, because we put effort into it that we make each other priority no matter how busy we get.
She's like, mm-hmm, yeah. Well, you know, that's why I feel like you're bringing it up, because I feel like there's a tinge of you being maybe not happy, which is wild, because I'm Paige and you're Craig, and you should be so fucking happy to even be sitting here having a meal with me.
Yeah, but all I'm saying is, like, you're, like, legitimately more successful and busier, which is awesome. She's like, is it? He's like, yeah, I'm just saying, like, sometimes it's a bummer that we can't do stuff, like have babies and get married.
And she's like, I'm sorry, I'm famous now. And he's like, well, if I was being honest, like, if you're busy for the rest of our lives, I just don't see this working out.
Bye! Can we pack this kangaroo and this nasty-ass cappuccino up for this bad-breath motherfucker, and somebody put them on a train. Thank you you.
Jesus. What the fuck? I know.
She's literally selling out Radio City Music Hall multiple nights in a row and he's like, come hang out by my pool in Charleston. Girl.
Got a friend from college sewing you a couple of pillows. Sit down, sir.
So she's like, well, it just makes me feel like if i get more successful like that's a bad thing and he's like yeah she's like wait are you breaking up with me in an australian restaurant do we have to call ashley darby he's like huh so i just never thought i'd be like in such a submissive Really? Have you not watched the past ten years of your show? When have you not been a fucking wuss? Cut to Naomi. Craig, are you ever gonna leave the house? You've been here all week.
You haven't taken a shower, and all you've done is stare at that stupid sewing machine. Get a fucking life.
You smell. He's like, what's the matter with my sewing? You've been in nothing but submissive relationships.
Now put the gag back in your mouth. And she's like, should I apologize for being strong and independent? He's like, yes.
That would be nice. So he's like, I just want you to be everything you want, but then I just want you to give it up to bear my popsicle children and clean my house.
She's like, gross. So it just ends.
I just wish that she would have just murdered him maybe, like killed him. Slam his head down on the table.
Yeah. So that's pretty much that, huh? I thought I had more because I was about to go previously on Summer House.

I wrote that all at the end.

But yeah, that brings us to the end of Summer House.

Next week on Summer House.

So here's the thing.

So the reason why I'm a cake eater is because I've had so many struggles in my life.

My teeth have been yellow for so long.

I'm trying to listening to a story.

Are you eating cake right now?

Rint is trying to steal my soul.

That brings us to the end of Summer House. Thank you so much for being here.
Bye. Thank you for having us back.
And we'll see you next time. We love you guys.
Good night, everyone. Good night, everyone.
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