#2762 Denise Richards and her Wild Things S0103-04: Mother Nose Best

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Watch What Crappens Watch What Crappens Watch What Crappens Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens Watch What Crappens Watch What Crapp, who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Welcome to the show, everybody. Today we're doing Denise Richards and her Wild Things episodes three and four.
But first, come see us this weekend in Cincinnati, where we'll be recovering. We'll be covering Summer House.
And then in Minneapolis, we'll be covering Southern Charm. And then in Toronto on Sunday, where we will be doing the classic Real Housewives of New York episode December Berkshire's County for all of our ticket links and schedule for everything else go over to WatchWhatCrapins.com we're going to be on tour the next few months and we're excited to see you guys also on Patreon you can get our traders recaps our airport snaps recaps coming to you soon and all that good stuff and also videos which we're

on today on crappens on demand um so what's going on with you today not much just you know getting

ready for a big weekend and you know having excited for all that that entails what's going

on with you getting ready for all the different climates i know climates across this great land

of ours it's a lot of a lot of different styles of Old Navy to pack this weekend. Jesus Christ, people.
I'm packing shorts and a puffer jacket because, you know, it's going to be like nearly 80 degrees in Cincinnati and it's going to be down to like 20 in Minneapolis. So it's going to be a journey for us.
It's going to be a hard-nippled weekend, and I'm very excited to see you guys out.

All right, let's get to Denise Richards and her wild things.

We open with Denise, and she's like, yeah, you know, I've never said no to taking in an animal.

My friend calls me Snow White because the squirrels all come around, but I think we can all agree.

I got better tits. The squirrels say so anyway.
And we see her just like leaving all sorts of peanuts out for the squirrels and everything. And she's got like a little like she has like this like faux picnic table.
She's like, I hope the squirrel sits at this and has a nice little picnic. And maybe the squirrel can get its little squirrel bag caught in the slats just like I did.
So she's like, any dog, any cat, whatever. And we see just all these animals that she's had over the years.
And we see Lola talking and she's like, we've had sheeps, we've had rabbits, we've had cats, we've had dogs, we've had iguanas, we've had camels, we've had lions, We really had everything. Yeah.
And all the pictures. That's so cute.

I like. cats we've had dogs we've had iguanas we've had camels we've had lions we really had everything yeah uh and all the pictures that's so cute i like that in a person now i don't want to go hang out at that person's house because it usually smells but um i love that they're that kind of person in the world because you know who those people are they're the people who make dodo videos my favorite videos yeah yeah so they're talking about they've had lola says at one point they had nine cats and then sammy had a couple of chameleons they had horses they had pigs i mean we even see a we even see a flashback all the way to her original show uh denise richards is complicated that was on e right i think that was e which is why they had the rights to show it here on bravo so den is like, well, the squirrels are my pets without actually being my pets.
I call one Fat Fred. And I know that's nice and people will think I'm fat shaming him.
But he's Fat Fred and then there's Skinny Joe, which is funny because there's a rapper named Fat Joe. So this is Skinny Joe.
I just didn't want them to be confused because one does sick beats and one eats peanuts. And Fat Fred is the first one to get the food.
So, you know, it all makes sense if you really think

about it. If you look at the lore of the squirrels, it tells a story.
I was stuck on the pigs.

So such cute pigs. And I still have such guilt about spanking my pig for two days.

I miss him. Spanky, wherever you are.
I love you. I love that little pig.
Even when he charged me

and tried to murder me, I just loved him. So cute.
I love an animal, like a pet that's like, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH's my child. Please don't make me get rid of him.
Yeah. So then we go to a rock climbing facility and Denise meets up with her daughters.
This place is called Boulder Dash. Get it! And Denise basically is hoping that she's still trying to work on her daughter's relationship, because at the last time we saw them, the daughters shook hands after feuding over some boy.
So now Denise is trying to get them to climb together and bond together. Yeah, she goes up to the climbing instructor and she's like, All right, here's why we're here.
I did a show called Special Forces. You heard of it? Have you heard of that? He's like, no.
She goes, okay, so someone without a TV. Wow, we got a reader over here.
Good for you. So anyway, super physical.
And one of the things I did when I started training was the rock climbing. So I want to do that again.
Do you have a Jojo Siwa here to carry Tom Sandoval through the rapids? That would be great. I was like, what is Special Forces? I didn't realize Special Forces was that show on Fox that Sandoval was on and everything.
I didn't realize she was actually on that show where they have to go through boot camp and climb around and everything. Yeah.
Not a JoJo fan, eh? I thought, because it just, you know, once that show, I remember when it was on, just like once it was gone, it's such a generic name, Special Forces. I just assumed Special Forces was some like syndicated tv show from like 1997 that she was on you know like that show birds of prey or whatever so um i don't know why people would do that for a reality show it just sounds too hard like maybe special skills like you put on your resume when you're an actor you know like i tap dance or i roller skate or i can can hold a peanut M&M in my belly button for four days at a time.

But some people love that shit.

They love doing, like, the faux military thing.

So, you know, but it sounds like a nightmare for me.

So, yeah, so she was, so she's, like, she did some rock climbing for that show,

and so now she's into it.

She got the taste for it.

So they're putting on their shoes, and Sammy's, like, I feel like feel like I'm going to get like an ingrown toenail from these shoes. I mean, all right.
It's just a short period of time. Okay.
I'll pay for your panic. You're a dumb little bitch.
So they get, they're starting to go up and the climbing instructors telling Denise, okay, just as nice and easy. Think of dance.
And Sam was like, oh yeah, she can't dance. So she tried it, but didn't worry.
That's why she had to become an actor. No dollar bills, zero dollar bills.
Fun fact, I signed up for Special Forces because I actually thought it was a dancing show. So that was a bit of a surprise when I arrived with my ready to do a Paso Do doble and they made me jump off a bridge.
So,

you know,

what can I say?

It's life.

So now it's Sammy's turn and the climbing instructor is like,

uh,

haven't seen a lot of climbers wearing hoops,

but Hey,

I guess it's a new adventure.

And she's like,

yeah,

I don't go a day without my hoops.

And Denise is like,

yeah,

I thought,

Hey Lola,

I thought she said boobs, not hoops about that so now they climb and then they but then they do show a shot of sammy and it does look like she's climbing with her boobs she's got big boobs so it looks like they're grabbing onto the thing uh and so they climb it and uh they still hate each other you know she's like well i'm so glad you girls again. So listen, I need your help because you know Brooke, she wants to plan Godzilla's memorial.
No. It's crazy.
What? No one told me you said. I didn't know what you said though.
And so Sammy's like, yeah, Godzilla's dead. We should get a custom cake.
A cake that looks like Godzilla. And where should we do the memorial maybe like a nice park like we bring other lizards there Denise is like she says well okay so here's the story Brooke Charlie's axe had this dragon lizard for 20 years but then I had to relinquish him to my care because you know well she was going to rehab so just left Godzilla on my door and was like here take the fucking.
And I didn't even know how to take care of this dumb thing. But, you know, it was cute.
I liked him. So we put him up in the penthouse.
Yeah, you know, he's scary when you first see him. He's a fucking huge.
He looks like a dragon. But we had him for nine months, and then he passed.
I mean, I didn't know how I was doing, but I learned. I made him a general store, a mall to go around.
And, you know, he didn't really get along with the squirrels too well we don't talk about that part but um you know he had a primary suite a balcony oh yeah i mean all sorts of like little miniature buildings we could walk around and step on them be all godzilla like so then um so we see that uh flashback to two days earlier where denise and aaron have given brooke ashes Godzilla. And Brooke is like, in a way, he was like my little soulmate.
Would you guys want to do a memorial? Maybe plan something? They're like, sure. Brooke, have we not done enough? We took care of your fucking lizard while you were in rehab.
The nerve. So now she's like, yeah, guys, you want to do a memorial, like plan something for him? That would be great.
Brooke's an odd cookie too. I'm glad they included Brooke on this.
I'm not really sure what her mouth is doing while she's talking or what her deal is, but I like her. She's like, throw me a memorial.
Okay. All right.
Just tell me where to go. Bye.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, at this point, Denise has taken in so many animals, which on the flip side means you've had to bury so many animals that it's like, wait, you just move on and get another animal. Right.
She's like a memorial. Okay.
So no one wants to do this memorial, but they're going to do it. Denise wants a project for the daughters to work on together.
So she's like, it's going to be a happy thing. A happy thing where we celebrate the life of a lizard in a public park.
So Lola's like, but like, I don't even feel like I'm meant to go because like, I didn't ever hang out with Godzilla ever. And he's like, well, you care about Brooke, don't you? She's like, yeah.
She's like, well, that's her kid. So like, when's it going to be? She's like, Saturday.
Yes. You got three days to make a memorial.
You can do it. She's like, well, I can't do it on Saturday I've got work mom she's like well if it were a person you can get off of work but yeah but obviously if it was a person I would go but this isn't a person don't just don't say it's a person just say it's a memorial and you gotta go come on I mean well they're not gonna tell you you can't go to a memorial you know what kind of cookie hut is this you know with Brooke I, with Brooke, I pray that she's okay, but like, I think she was like married to my dad.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she married to, who is this woman who was saying that? She like doesn't even know. None of the kids, neither of the kids even remembers if Brooke was married to the dad, Charlie C.
She's like, wait. And then Sammy goes, yeah, wait, was she married to him? And she goes, yes, you didn't know she was married to your dad.
Come on.

And she goes, you were there. She goes, how old was I? You were young.
I don't know shit. I don't know.
Clearly, honey, clearly you don't know shit. So they're going to have to go shopping tomorrow for this lizard memorial.
And then Lola's like, so by the way, Sammy, did you have fun with the climbing? No no me neither so denise is going to have these wacky kids put a funeral together and that's going to be their bonding thing you know it's like well you know they're negative kids give them a death maybe that'll bond them i don't know yeah uh she's like you know any opportunity to work together it'll help them get over their shit so good luck and a like, but hey, how come whenever we have to help somebody, we're the ones that get stuck? Hey, why don't you stop your bitching, sir, when your whole family is living in her Malibu home? What the hell? Yeah, that's right. So she's like, well, when she was crying, she said she wants her help with the memorial.
Did you think she was serious? He's like, no. I'm like, you know, but to be fair, like does anyone ever think Aaron's serious about anything that he's saying, like with magnetic healing and big pharma coming after him? So Denise is like, well, she was, but then she didn't even take the box of this shit.
He's like, yeah, well, you know, she left it. Like that can't be that important.
We really have to do this. She's like, well, we'll give it to her on saturday so by the way yeah i'm sure she's gonna love that she's like wow my lizard's dead okay now i get a trailer full of this fake western town that you guys built him in a penthouse great also um uh polite golf clap to aaron for uh he's like i'm gonna do this scene i'm gonna show some chest cleave he's like he like

had his his robe perfectly positioned so that way he could show off like the best features of his

chest he's like yeah i'm just gonna sit here in the scene with my robe at a perfect v right now for america to see i was like you did that on purpose sir well yeah i gotta earn that money so sammy and lola are driving and lola's like sammy can i borrow your your hairbrush? She's like, um, no. But I want to fix my hair.
No. But my hair's not dirty.
She's like, um, it's a Mason Pearson brush, so. So then Siri's like, sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
And they all laugh. And then Lola's like, you know, I've never heard of someone having a memorial for a lizard.
Like, we never even did that for one of our dogs.

And she's like, yeah, it's not weird coming from mom. She's like, let that lizard sleep in her bed.
That's really disturbing. Once you've slept with Charlie Sheen, I guess it's like, a little more than Mary.
Am I right? so Sammy's like

yeah you know

mom had this like weird habit of

accessorizing Godzilla and all her pets. She makes them wear wigs.
See all these pictures of this lizard in little tiny wigs that she had made for it? Little sunglasses. The little, this lizard with a hat on.
It was ridiculous. So then Lola gets a phone call.
She's like, oh my God, why is a no caller ID calling me? Is it God? And then they answer and this guy starts saying, yo, I'm not trying to apologize. And she just hangs up and she's like, oh my God, I've like blocked him everywhere.
Just like, I made it clear that I just don't want to, I just want to be friends with him. Like he doesn't follow Jesus or make him the center of his life.
I just hung up on this guy who's like, I'm just trying to talk to you. No, follow Jesus! Your first call should have been to Jesus our Lord, okay? And your second call could have been to me.
And Sammy's like, well, I think I'd like to have a word with him then. She says, you don't need to do that.
And Sammy's like, yeah, I'mprotective of my sister if any guy doesn't respect my sister i'm gonna knock him in the nuts and i just want her to do that for me okay but that was her friend first so i know that you're trying to make this huge like i'm the better sister because i stand up more but no that was her friend first sorry yeah we also don't know the full context of why you and that guy broke up, because as far as we can see, Sammy,

you're maybe not the best decision maker in this

group here, so I'm not

saying, I'm not going to take sides,

but I also would like to hear the full story before

I start going hard on the paint. Team Lola.

Yeah, Team Lola.

I'm Team Lola. So now they go to

a frame store, and they have had

a picture of this

Gila monster thing blown up, and they're you know gonna get it framed for this thing so then uh the store owner's like oh an iguana is he did he pass they're like yeah but he was around for like 20 years he's like wow okay well uh how about this and this i'll go get that done and so sammy's like so do you want to do like a prayer? And she goes, oh my God, really? You think I should do a prayer, me? A prayer? Oh my God, I could never do a prayer. I should do a prayer? Oh my God, it's my first prayer solo.
Ba-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, prayer, prayer. Oh, am I gonna do a prayer? I'm gonna be so alone.
I'm gonna have nightmares about this for days. She's like, oh Jesus Christ.
Read something off your fucking phone. I mean, you did a prayer for Taco Tuesday last week.
I think you can do one for a lizard. Yeah, she's like, but there's no like, there's no like prayers in the Bible for like lizards, but like I could still do a prayer for a lizard.
And it's like, yeah, there weren't prayers for tacos either. He managed it.
You'll be fine. People find a way to pray for a lot of things.
I think you can find one for Godzilla. So then Sammy's like, I just noticed you copied my hair.
She's like, I wear clips in my hair every single day, Sammy. She's like, okay, whatever.
And they do have the exact same hair. I like the part in the car where Lola's like, I just got my nails done.
She's like, let me look at them. Not my favorite.
And she's like, well, that's just because you don't like bright colors. And she's like, yeah, I do.
Look at my nails. She gives her the middle finger.
I love these two kids. These wacky kids.
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I mean, did Godzilla eat half of my calf? Yes. But you know what? It wasn't really his fault.
And I moved forward. I'm one of resolution.
You know? And so then we see the unmistakable sight of Erika Jayne's legs walking into the restaurant, also because we've seen the trailer. And she's like, hi! There she is.
Hey, lady. Denise is like, oh, God, fuck.
So I'll never forget my first year knowing you, which is kind of a lie, because I've forgotten most of it. But this part I do know.
We had so much fun, Erica. Didn't we? It's like, oh, yeah, we just, we just, yes, I think.
But, you know, I was upset after your barbecue, because we were talking, and you said, oh, my kids are there. Do you remember this? So we see the flashback of Denise calling Erica into a coffee shop, because she was talking about threesomes where her children could hear.
This might be why Sammy's on OnlyFans, for all we know. Yes, so she's like, you know, I just felt very judged because we were all talking about sex, I was the one that got taken to coffee so Denise is like well I wasn't mad I just wanted coffee and at that time you were actually wealthy so I thought I could get a freak out of Joe from you so anyway I just wanted you to know I don't want to be talking about threesomes that's it but I felt.
You know, I'm sorry too. Like, oh, wow.
It's only took like five years to bury the hatchet on this one with four different attempts. And this is how you make up.
You just forget that half of the stuff happened, right? Because the way they retell the story, it's like, oh, she was talking about threesomes. Denise didn't like that.
But what Denise really didn't like was she said, please stop about threesomes around my kids and erica said they're already having threesomes honey like how old are your kids they probably already had them or something like that and that's why denise got all pissed off but they just leave that part out so they could make up yeah um and yeah like erica probably was the old one called out because the producers were like okay denise and erica you guys need to have a scene so they're like okay we'll talk about this and then it turns into something that has haunted the two of them for five years so denise tells us um you know whether it's something with your dad or something with with erica jane i want to show you and your sister sammy that you can get past that you know it just takes five years of holding onto a grudge that happened in a coffee shop. And maybe a really awkward weed party

where I accuse...

Where someone... it.
It just takes five years of holding onto a grudge that happened in a coffee shop. And maybe a really awkward weed party where someone accused me of wearing my coat upside down.
Now that bitch I'm not forgiving. So then they basically Denise and Erica are like, okay, we're going to be friends now.
And then Erica's like, by the way, Denise, thanks for reaching out during my divorce and my like my legal issues i had and i'd like to add what about me why did anyone ask me about why you know you went through all this stuff with a lizard where was the stuff where was the sympathy i got for with for my lizard you got a lizard no but i could have had one where was my messages yeah and she's like uh yeah you know we're having a memorial for you know godzilla she's who's godzilla a lizard oh jeez and i was married to a lizard i'm not gonna have a memorial for that motherfucker do you know what he did to me so now we have this montage it's like a work because we're going out we're going to go over to the memorial now and we see memories of Godzilla played by like, then we hear like the Requiem in the background, which is funny because at the Oscars this year, when they did the memoriam, they also played the Requiem, which is the one that's like, it's like a very serious piece of like scary church music. That's like, it doesn't feel like mourning to me.
It kind of feels like you're going into church to be like, I don't know, to do something very serious. To have, I don't know, like kneel down in front of a priest and have something done to you or whatever.
Not sexually, just like some sort of churchy thing. So we hear this music playing and we seeing flashbacks of godzilla's life godzilla in a cowboy hat godzilla with a cake made of fig newtons things like that and uh all these photos my favorite is there's a sign in table and it has a photo of godzilla and the next to him is a photo of stevie nicks yeah and brooke shows up she's like, oh my god, this is amazing, guys.

Thank you so much. And Denise is like,

ah, did you guys get around my

Brooks Jewish?

Oh my god. Wait a minute, I'm about to do

something for a Jewish person?

Oh no. Oh my god.

So,

they have this little

ceremony, and

Lola's like,

okay guys, here we go, big moment.

So we gather here today to remember a lizard

and bless the beasts and the children.

And here's to you, here's to me.

May we never disagree.

If we do, fuck you, Godzilla's dead.

Yay.

Wait, was that a prayer or was that a toast?

I don't know.

Rub it up, dub.

Thanks for the crap, yay God. I'm done.
Nailed nailed it and aaron's like i'd like to say something uh you know uh this guy he was a he was a fucking lizard and uh lizards are you know badass so i was like wow you're like badass because you're a lizard so thanks brooke's like yeah you know he was a lizard and there were days

that i just felt so bad and the only thing that would make me feel good was him and heroin but you know heroin's not dead so we'll get to that when we get to that but thanks gods loved you buddy so now we go on to the next episode

episode 4 called Only Pans

and Denise is like tells us you know people always say that I've had plastic surgery on my face which I haven't you know I just got bit by Godzilla a few times I mean talk about the original nip and tuck lizard bites but I've had my boobs done which you know and I have to have them done again. Because the show I did, that special forces show popped my in- Have you seen it? Have you seen it? Have you seen it? Denise, they can't answer you.
They're a TV audience. All right.
Let's just assume they've seen them, unlike motherfucking Boulder Dash cocksucker. I really thought Carrie Ann and Napa would be on there.
I mean, they kept saying Foxtrot and Tango so many times. I mean, who would be, you can't hurt a girl for being mistaken there, huh? Or blame them.
So she jumped off a bridge in special forces and popped her implants. So she has to get new ones.
Why have you not gotten new ones since? Did they just take the implants out? What happened? Aren't you just allowed to walk around with popped implants what the hell what the yolanda foster is this i know what what does that what does that mean what is that like so lola lola's like um you you didn't tell me that yeah i would never jump off a drip lola's always the last to find out about something like godzilla dying then he's dropping jumping off a bridge sammy getting getting a nose job. What? I didn't know about that.
I would, you know, I would go skydiving. I mean, I really would, I really would go skydiving, but I would, I'd never jump off a bridge.
I mean, that's scary down there. But I think it's funny that she doesn't even bother watching her mom's shows.
She's like, what? That happened? She's like, it was on TV. God damn.
Oh, God. So then, um then we go to kitchen number one, townhouse studio number one.
And Denise is turning her kitchen into a studio. Because I'm going to make cooking content.
You know, my mom would laugh if she saw me being filmed cooking. Because, you know, she wasn't a cook when I was younger.
But here's me. And Erin's like, yeah, she can cook.
Her videos are charming. I've ejaculated to every single one, so dick's up.
Two dicks up. Yeah, and she's basically like, I've cooked a lot of stuff, but the one thing I haven't been able to perfect has been pasta.
Mainly because I don't follow any recipes and I don't know how to make it, i just put a bunch of stuff in a bowl and hope for the best but yeah i come really close really close not close at all i think i actually once made paper by accident i actually somehow made paper you know i just want to show people like i'm like you you know you just have to keep trying i got the most expensive flour sent in from italy and i I still haven't gotten it right. I mean, look, you don't have to get the most expensive flour from Italy, but you can keep trying.
And that's the point. Every video is going to be a mistake that's never really fixed.
So will you know how to cook by the end of this video? Probably not. But you'll feel better about yourself.
Look, I'm just like anyone

in their home. Drop a few thou

on some imported flour, buy

some cameras, set up an entire

filming rig, and

make some pasta without knowing how to do it,

and just burn through that flour, and just

waste all that money. Just like any other normal

person, you know what I'm saying?

So now she's making her

video, and her kids are cracking up at her, and she's like sammy has to be the egg cracker and she's like okay sammy get a couple of yolks in there it's like oh my god is that like the yellow part or like the orange part oh my god i've got salmonella on my hands and then we see the bowl of yolks and it's like half filled with whites as well this is not gonna go well this is this is like an odd this is this is like an it's just i just like that denise is i i appreciate that she's just gonna try to you know eyeball it like the like the nonas did in the back when when the before there were like cookbooks and video youtube videos and food network but also we have all those things now so at least like read the recipe beforehand and get like a general game plan because this is just going in such a disastrous way but it's funny though so they're so they're cracking the egg they make this they make this dough and then um she's like we see this like the the recipe on screen as it sort of unfurls out of denise's head she's like okay it's gonna be four eggs, one cup of flour, one cup of, well, mainly flour, maybe, I don't know, maybe two cups,

maybe four cups, maybe like three cups. You know what, here, do we have any nicotine we

can just throw in there? I don't know, just give it, perk it up and make it exciting.

Just a chopped up cigarette. Get some of the peanut squirrels things,

throw them in there. You know, maybe at least they'll like it.
All right, we're supposed to

rest the dough for a bit.

One hour, two hours, three hours.

I don't know, something like that.

I'm like, Mom, how do we do this?

So they wrap it up, and then they put the dough in the fridge.

And she goes, OK, resting's done.

She's like, Mom, I just put it in there.

She's like, well, we're going to fake it, because it's a cooking show.

So that's what they do on the cooking show.

They just throw it in the fridge, and they bring it right back out, right? Yeah, I thought what she was going to say was, here's some that I made earlier today that has been resting. And now we're going to put it in.
She forgets that part. No.
She's like, no, I'm going to put it in. Now we're going to take it out right away.
I was like, that's not how the cooking shows work. So she just starts sending this unrested dough.
and it comes out just holes and goopy.

Now, I don't know if this was a fault with the recipe or if it had rested, if it somehow would have gone through the pasta machine better.

I don't know what it was, but it was a very rustic noodle.

We'll just say that.

Yeah.

So then she is driving Sammy to a pre-op appointment in her Corvette.

And Sammy's like, oh, my God, Mom, I seriously have car sickness. I'm going to die in this car.
I hate this fucking car, mom. Why do you have to drive a stick shift? Car sickness.
Why does everybody that age have car sickness? I don't get it. I've asked this before on this show, but it's like an epidemic of young people who have car sickness.
The hell? Yeah, they're weak. They're weak.
Weaklings. So Denise is like, yeah, well, I drive sick.
And people are surprised that I drive sick. But I also know how to ride sick, if you know what I'm saying.
Aaron, see you tonight. So then she says, she's like, are you excited to meet your doctor? And Sammy is really excited because she's going to get her nose done.
And the things that she's wanted to get done the most are her boobs and her nose. She's like, oh god i've wanted to get my nose done even longer than my boobs yeah and life goals so she's like you know i just she said that she was like really insecure about being flat chested and then she got bullied in school and then um people would say that she looked like her dad and she just didn't want to look like her dad because you know she's and then people would say that she's not as pretty as her mom and people are such monsters.
Jeez. Seriously.
Teenagers are terrible. Yeah.
She said someone commented just the other day that she'll never be as pretty as her mom. Like, okay, well then stop paying for my OnlyFans.
You fucking troll. So, um, Sammy's like, you know, I just think with my nose done, I'll look like more feminine.
Cause like, it's like a really hard feature on my face. And Denise is like, oh my god, my daughter wants to get her nose doesn't feel perfect because she just wants her nose to be like my fucking nose.
Sorry for having a fucking perfect nose. I can't believe my nose did this to my daughter.
I'm just gonna get my fucking nose cut off. And Denise is like, well, I'm also a little nervous because you said

you don't want me there

for the surgery.

She's like,

yeah,

you just make me anxious,

mom.

And I'd rather have

like my best friend there

who's not going to stress me out.

So,

by the way,

I'd be like,

you little brat,

I'm paying for this thing,

so I'm going to be there.

So they go to the doctor's office

and so they sit down and they meet with him and he basically he's like hi welcome hello his eyes are so frighteningly why he's terrifying this guy's fucking terrifying i don't know what's going on with this guy but he's like welcome to my office everything's gonna go great we're just gonna fillet your nose i know he's like i'm gonna make my'm going to do it. I'm going to wear a big tie and bulge my eyes out.
I'm ready. I'm the new doctor.
I forgot his last name. Nazif.
Deepak Duggar. Yeah.
So then, meanwhile, we cut to Lola at home. And she's at this house.
And the three golden retrievers are running around everywhere. There's poop everywhere.
She's cleaning up. They were tackling each other.
They were playing on the sofa, and she's losing her mind and trying to set up a crate. She's like, Mom, what do I do? This is too much.
I could do all things through Christ, but I think I'm actually a builder. Look, I made crates.
So she's going through it over there, and she basically leaves a voicemail like, When are you back mom because these dogs are too much yeah so then back to the office denise is like wait a minute does dad know not to tell anyone because he'll tell people she's like um i don't know mom but if you tell lola it's like telling everybody okay because she tells everyone everything like when i got my implants done i told so many people i got so many opinions like some people said go bigger some people said go smaller someone suggested I get like hot wheels put in my boobs like what the hell does that even mean I almost did it I don't want anybody to know about my nose even though I'm on tv um yeah and she's like really upset because the the source of this is that when she told everyone she was going to get implants she got a lot of input from from people and they were like, you should go, go smaller instead of bigger. You're going to like, you're going to regret going bigger.
And then she went smaller and she wants bigger. And she's like really mad that people got into her head and like told her to go smaller when she wants to go really big.
Don't trust the village. You know what? It trusts a village to fuck up your boob implants.
You know, you have to be careful. Every time.

So this is when the doctor was like, we're going to fillet the cartilage on your nose.

And Denise is like, oh, wait a minute.

Let me tell you, someone with a cooking show, what do you mean you're going to fillet her nose? I don't know.

He's like, well, you know, just we're going to fillet the cartilage.

We're just going to shave it off the top like a layer of sushi.

And they're like, uh...

Bedside manner.

Alright, let's work on that. Fuck.

We have better bedside manner

and fucking special forces.

You know it.

You know what I'm talking about. You've seen it?

No. It's really good.
We fillet things there

too. Mainly fish.

And then they show...

He shows, like, here's the nose before, and this

is what it's going to look like after. And it's like the

smallest little difference. They're probably going to Thank you.
two mainly fish um uh and then they show he shows like here's the nose before and this is what's

gonna look like after and it's like the smallest little difference they're probably gonna charge like forty thousand dollars for it like this tiny little thing and sammy's like oh that's already such a major difference it's like i was like i it's so small but you know people have you know everyone has their thing. So then we go to, um, uh, townhouse number two and we have Denise making a snack for Eloise and Denise is, you know, asking if she's ready to go to school because her tutor comes over or her teacher, Miss Angie.
And Denise tells us about, um, raising Eloise and how Eloise has is special needs. And she's mainly nonverbal and that they had her in a classroom for a while but um kids are just brats as we've already seen earlier in this episode uh kids are mean and they saw that she came home wanting smaller boobs i mean kids am i right we got our homeschooled after that so so she's been working with this teacher and she's really starting to blossom and she's mainly non-verbal but she can speak.
She can speak about like 10 words. And when she says them, she says them very quietly, but she clearly can like hear, like she, she hears, she processes, and she's starting to learn how to respond over text, which is really fascinating.

Yeah. So the teacher's like, okay, you're going to answer with a yes or a no.
Okay. Eloise, do you want to paint another pumpkin? Okay.
Why are you sending me an eggplant? Eloise. Very bad girl.
Very bad girl, Eloise. And the producer is asking Eloise if she gets along with her sisters.
And she's like nodding and smiling. She's so sweet and so cute.
And Denise is like, well, I definitely think that Eloise brings out the best in Samuel. They just light up with her.
And, you know, she's very savvy with the phone and the computer. Oh, we did have a little mishap where I didn't realize that some of my OnlyFan pictures were synced up to her iPad.
So that was a little bit of an oopsie moment. The teacher's like, well, that explains the eggplant.
God, all's well that ends well, am I right? So then we go to- I can't even think these were just OnlyF only fan pictures popped up on eloise's ipad and the producer's like well what'd you think of those pictures eloise and eloise just starts cracking up she's like oh okay so then we go to um denise and aaron setting up a backdrop because now she's she's such a good cook she's proved that she really is ready for a cooking show by not being able to make pasta two times in a row. So now she's like, all right, I came up with another idea.
I mean, people think Denise Richards cooking show boring. So, well, OK, here's what we're going to do.
It's going to be called only pans. Right.
So I got these little pans. I'm going to put them over my boobs.
All right. So then they'll be like, oh, you know, maybe if we pitch it and they don't like it, we can say, but pants over boobs.
Who doesn't want that? Yeah. You know, you know, you have to do things over the top to get someone's attention.
Now, after a while, things people saw me as a sex symbol. So I had to dial it down a little bit, do something different.
So I started cooking and I do a lot of Christmas movies, do a lot of conservative movies, but now I want to embrace my sexuality.

So I thought,

you know what?

Let me do this project.

That'll appeal neither to the people who want to see me as a sex object,

nor the people who want to see me in Christmas movies.

Just me pans over my boobs,

making bad pasta.

So they do a photo sheet,

a photo shoot and Aaron's just saying things like,

Oh yeah. Turn up the heat.
Am I right? Fuck yeah. Yeah.
God. For some reason right now, I want a fucking omelet.
Babe, I'm sucking in my gut. So now we go to Sammy in pre-op and she's in the waiting room and her friend Leah is there.
Leah is her friend who went to the rave with her. And it's so funny because like Sammy is now out of makeup because she's going to surgery and she looks so much, she's like a kid again.
And like she looks like she is 14. It's just crazy.
Right. And I'm like, oh my God.
So she is she's like, well, maybe I should have had Lola here. So she could have said like 85 stupid prayers for me.
She's like, yeah, I'm glad my mom didn't come.

And then it cussed Denise holding pants over her boobs.

She's like, yeah, you know, that kind of hurt my feelings.

I mean, what mother, what good mother doesn't want to be there when their kid's getting

full aid?

Sammy's like, yeah, if my mom was here, she'd be asking a bunch of stupid questions.

Roll the tape of stupid questions.

We've seen the doctor.

She's like, what do you mean by full aid? All right. Do you have a computer that does that? Do you do it? Do you ever blink? Because I haven't seen you blink.
It's just weird that I'm not there for her nose job. I mean, I was there when, you know, Godzilla got his facelift.
So you think I'd be there for Sammy. But I guess I've just got too much anxiety.
Godzilla didn't mind when I was watching him get his waddle cut off, so I don't have to fucking deal with it. You know, when Godzilla got his lipo, I was of great support to him, but it's fine if she's an adult.
She can choose who she wants with her. So Lola and Denise are driving together, and Lola's like, I'm really excited to get some stuff for the dogs.
They're really out of control. I tried to say a prayer for them.
It just didn't work, but I did build a well i need your help for them with a little dog she's like paul weekend he's like yeah why can't sammy wash them well you know she's got her nose job oh no did i just say that out loud oh god i'm so sorry what she's getting a nose that's crazy like why can't she just be happy with her nose i just don't get it it's not even a big deal big deal. It's your fault, mother.
And she's like, I have no problems keeping secrets. That's why I'm shocked.
I just slipped. And Lola's like, yeah, telling secrets to my mom never ends well.
She's like, but you can't tell anybody. She's like, I don't care enough to tell people.
I mean, the Lord knows and that's all that matters. She's like, okay, well, now I feel.
I, you know, I'm really, oh God, I really can't believe I fucked up. Well, you know,

I won't tell anyone. No, I'm talking about the pasta.
I'm just back on that. I really should

have let it rest. And then we see Sammy go under for her nose fillet and don't don't don't.
Will

Sammy come back looking like he who shall not be named from Harry Potter? Or will she come back

with the nose she's always dreamed of? Or will the doctor give her what she really wants which is big just a big tit instead of a nose who knows yeah we'll find out uh so it's gonna be a pressing question that'll carry us all through the week so uh thanks everyone for being here and for listening and hopefully we'll'll see a bunch of you this weekend at our shows and for

everyone else.

We'll catch you in the next episode.

Bye.

Bye.

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