#2764 Southern Charm S10 E14 Live in Minneapolis: Barber of Say-villain

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Oh, Minneapolis.

Hi, Minneapolis. Hi, Minneapolis.
Oh my God, you guys. Wow.
We're so excited to be here. Hi.
So good to see you guys. I lost my nipples flying in here.
Yeah. I lost my nipples and my nuts.
My nuts are in my throat. My nipples are on the street somewhere.
How do you live like this? It's cold. It's cold.
It's cold. But we love coming to Minneapolis and Minnesota.
We love coming here. You guys have such a good art scene here.
and everyone is so nice. I mean, nice to the degree that I get pissed off when they're not overly nice.
We were checking in, and the guy's like, oh, your honors, what's your honors number or whatever? So I gave him my member number. And he's like, you have three different accounts.
And I was like, oh, that sucks. And he's like, well, you can combine them.
And I was like, great, do that. And he's like well you can combine them and I was like great do that and he's like here's your numbers calls customer service and I was like what has happened to this town I don't know when I checked in they just gave me a complimentary tater tot hot dish so I don't I don't know what happened to you that's how it goes it was delicious karma you're a good person you get tater tots you're a bad person your nipples fall off your nuts are in your throat no one will fucking do your honors for you now i have to say minnesota has given us many many wonderful things like hot dishes prince luke janelle from big brother.
But I have to say, thank you. Oh.
Janelle from Big Brother.

But I have to say... Oh, that kind of lukewarm.

You see?

But I have to say thank you, Minnesota, for giving us Carolyn.

Thank you.

Oh, Carolyn.

Carolyn.

That's so crazy to here. That's crazy.
Wow. I wonder if Bob the Drag Queen is from here also.
You know people look at you when you're a little different. You got boobs up to your face.

It's really hard.

I could never be a traitor.

It's not like me.

I was born real.

You love her even when she is a traitor.

She's like, how could they betray me?

You're a traitor.

What are you crying about?

Now, you know, the traitor is just done for the season, which is very sad. You know, one thing that's really fun about watching The Traitors is that you get to watch people actively lying every single week on your TV, and I was like, what's gonna fill that void? Well, ladies and gentlemen, Jax Taylor has a new podcast.
This fucking guy. I was kind of hoping he'd keep the old one with Brittany because, I mean, I never listened to that, but when they put clips on the Tiki-Taki, I always crack up because it's like, Jax, you're a piece of shit.
He's like, I'm changing, you know? I'm changing. Sorry, not texting.
I'm just looking for Jax. Okay, so this podcast is called In the Mind of a Man.
You know what? It's about time someone stopped and asked men what's going on in their lives. Unless the entire thing is this.
Then I don't want to fucking hear it what do you want to bet his first guests are the Tate brothers I think they're booked with James Kennedy yeah James Kennedy took a picture with the Tate brothers and then everyone's like James Kennedy Jesus Christ you're already in trouble forusing your girlfriend, and now you're hanging out with the sex traffickers, you know? And he's like,

I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to.

I didn't know. I just thought they were someone

famous. I don't know.
I saw him in a picture one

time. And then the next day, the Tate Brothers

posted, that fucker begged us for hours

for a picture.

He followed our plugs around that whole

club. There's probably

someone very confused in the audience that's like, the Tate Brothers, did they invent the tater tat hat dish? In the mind of a man, live, 2025, with Jax Taylor. What do you think he's talking about? Let's see.
Cocaine, yes. Oh, he doesn't do that anymore.
Oh, and I can tell you right now, I'm not ready for this new season of, oh my God, Jax hasn't done cocaine in a week. We all have to be nice to him.
Fuck you. I haven't done cocaine in five years and I didn't get shit.
And neither will you. By the way.
I feel like the first episode is going to be called Work in Progress. Guys, I'm just a work in progress.
You know, I make mistakes. It's just what a guy is.
It's so hard. You know, the women, you know, they want so much from me.
I'm just a guy, guys. Just a guy.
I'm just a guy. And you know how on Fox News they have that sound effect? I know because my parents watch it.
Don't judge me. They have that sound effect that stories.
They go. And it's literally just like Megyn Kelly in the back going.
It's going to be like that on Jax's podcast. And next, in the mind of a man.
But wait, there's more. Because if that's not enough compulsive lying for you,

great news, because also joining the podcast world this week,

Bryn from Rony.

With a new podcast called Please See Below.

Please see below, as if the world needs another fucking podcast it's about relationships and love and everything in between I'm a captain of industry so her poster is her sitting cross-legged in black tights and a white turtleneck going like this. And then her podcast page is just filled with different weird pictures of her.
And one of them is literally this. That's the name of the first episode.
That's just a creaking door opening. Can't wait.
Can't wait. So excited.
All right. Well, today we're here to talk about Popper Nuts.
Popper. Popper, be nice to your brother.
Does anyone have a lorazepam? Honey, scratch my arm You need your family That feels good That feels good Did you guys watch White Lotus? Popper, no Oh, well, we're going to talk about some very decent people today. Also from the South.
Southern Charm. Previously on Southern Charm.
Awesome and Craig were still mad at Shep For getting kicked out of Bravo Con For being a drunk idiot I can't be around that behavior I'm a leader of industry now Pillow industry Come on, come on, guys.

I'm different now.

I found out I can't be an alcoholic because I spent three days out of town doing ayahuasca.

And I found love with someone half my age.

I'm just a good little boy.

Cars!

Well, the Lord almost did us a favor

and killed off JT in a four-wheeler accident But the little beta ended up living with a limp Miss Patricia, I've given all my friends a cane And I'd like you to have one also Why would I need another cane? I've already got one with batteries in it to shock Randy. Watch.
Stop. Please make us up.
After pissing off Miss Patricia, JT pissed off the guys and one very born-for-corn girl when he talked trash at an indoor golf business for douchebags.

Miss Pat didn't like the cane

and Madison's husband called me

to make sure there was no hanky-panky

going on on our friend trip.

Madison.

JT called Patricia a bitch

and said you were trying to have an affair with him.

JT,

you're like a ferret with

hair plugs and a limp.

In what world would I

have an affair with you?

I never said that.

Uh-huh. You said

Miss Patricia was hooking on King

Street and Madison was pregnant with

Randy's baby.

You're a liar, Craig. A liar.
I'm a lawyer. I'm a lawyer and a storyteller.
And Chet pretended to find love with a young beauty queen that wasn't into him so he could try to make America think that he had a soul that felt something besides cirrhosis. Unfortunately, every time she saw him, she looked like she smelled a fart.
I'm going to send a textual message. Bloop.
Morning, Sienna. I love seeing you and no one else.
But I'm not going to convince someone they love me for three days, especially when I know deep down they do. I have Venetian blinds.
And heretofore, wherefore, therefore shall you, ever since I saw the choppers land in Ken Burns' pivotal documentary, The Vietnam War, I knew my heart could land in your life just as easily. My wooden teeth soften every time you walk into a room.
And I know you love me too, because I can see it on your tiny, freckled little lips. I hope you understand my feelings and exalt them.
And those around us can say, they can say whatever they want. They can take away my ayahuasca, but they can never take away my freedom.
I know that together forever we will have live, laugh, laugh. Love, Shep.
Okay. My TED Talk is over.
I got the youth vote with that one. Oh my gosh, it's a text from Sienna.
Did someone fart? But I got you a megalodon tooth! Ship. Oh.
Amazing megalodon teeth in the audience, everyone. Okay, everyone.
Thank you. Thank you for the megalodontic.
All right. Oh, beautiful.
We have many shark teeth. Gosh, so many shark teeth.
Amazing. That's huge.
Thank you, Roe H. Dalsian, Roe H.
I couldn't hear you very well. Sorry, but thank you.
I got my own bagelette on, too. Gosh.
Well, Shep wasn't the only one pretending to have a love interest. Vanita got so desperate after pretending to drown in a two-foot-deep pool that she faked a relationship with a two-foot tall man.
Hey, hey, I am sick of this group always leaning into slander and rumors. By the way, Taylor, your boyfriend made out with about five different girls in this room, just so you know.
Oh, yeah. And also, new female victims were brought onto the show

so we could all watch trash men

ruin their lives.

Hi, I'm Molly.

Molly comes with her own music.

Hey, I didn't say it was good music.

Lighten up, girl.

Also, there's Sally Sally who gives blowjobs

in steakhouse parking lots.

I'm also a robot engineer

who hates her implants.

And in other news,

Whitney's still a misogynistic old perv.

A couple of the most boring gay guys ever born

were brought to the show to do nothing.

And me, I'm still the alpha up in this bitch. Hansi.
I don't even care if Madison stays on this show as long as she continually does the voiceover.

That's all I really need from this show.

You may think nothing happens on this show until you watch that.

Previously, last week, this person was stupid.

That person's disgusting.

Everybody but me smells like pickles.

By the way, we have to give a shout out

before we start this recap.

We have some super premium sponsors here.

We have Jamie. She has no last name-y.
Hey! Yes, girl! And don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Yeah! We love you guys.
Alright, let's get going. So we start off with everybody unpacking after that tumultuous trip to the Bahamas.
Popper, no! That's literally all we said to each other all day. Ben finally got caught up on White Lotus, and we just gone, Popper! Popper, no! Let your brother make a protein shake.
So Austin is unpacking and he has a spot on his green sweater and he's like Jesus is insane right now and then he smells it I'm like oh imagine how everybody who's ever talked to Austin feels yeah if that stain appears after a night in Austin's room, you're not sniffing it, okay? Molly's unpacking with her dog, Zoe. She's like, hey, Zoe, I feel so obese today.
So hard being a model who likes cookies, am I right? And then we see Taylor. Taylor's like carrying out quietly and she's like, well, I cannot believe they were so rough with my luggage.
It's luggage! It's supposed to be thrown around. Also, you dated Shep.
You've stood up for that luggage more than I've ever heard you stand up for yourself. Well, she literally loves a man with a baggage.

So, Rodrigo finds a $500 poker chip in his luggage,

which I genuinely felt bad about.

I was like, I don't know, for like one moment,

I was like, guys, we have to stop this show.

We have to figure out what to do with this chip.

They're such the gay couple on this show that I was like, honey, I found a $500 chip. And his husband's with a bottle of wine, like, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha alive I know Poor Rodrigo's like you've got one of those lobotomy machines right here It's just like Guys did anybody hear from JT? And then finally we land

over at Casa Craig

where he and

Paige are... Oh, I love the turn on Craig.

I just love it.

God, it's been like two years of every time

you say Craig's name, everyone's like,

ah!

He makes pillows. He's in love with Paige.

We all bought it.

We all fucking bought it. We should know better right now.
How many of us in here date men? For Christ's sake. There's a whole army of us in here.
You'd think at least one of us would turn to each other and go, let's just stop this. But also, I know why there was a groan too, because we all know what's coming in this scene.
It's the feet in the sink.

It's the feet

in the sink. So Craig and Paige

they get up out of bed. At 1.30pm.

At 1.30pm. The Paige influence.

Yeah. They go

down to the kitchen to

make breakfast. The first

order of business is that Craig can't

start his stove

up and he blames it on his housekeeper.

He's like, it's not

starting because I think the housekeepers are in here and they were like messing with the burners. Craig, we've seen you try to use a blender.
You stabbed a wall. You know the housekeeper was at home just like, Maricon.
Motherfucker. The housekeeper has to clean up, and then you're still going to call her out on TV.
Pulling knives out of the fucking wall, walking around with putty to make the holes over every day. And then he's going to pretend like he actually uses the stovetop when there is two full-on books on the backsplash, the Snoop Dogg cookbook and then the Sewing Down South catalog.
Those do not belong on a backsplash. That's where they will collect grease or fall into a flame and start a house fire.
Some people like to do that. My mom just put a piece of art she got at the thrift store.
It's very colorful. She's like, I'm putting art on my backsplash now.
And I was like, oh, that's nice. Thinking like she would hang it up.
I got it over there. It's leaning on the fucking stove.
I was going to warn her, but then I was like, you have a will, right? Would you make me some eggs? It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crapins commercial.
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Karma you can count on. So he makes these dry-ass eggs, and then he sits.
They were dry. You know they're dry.
They were dry. Craig can't cook.
I couldn't believe that Paige even said that. She's like, make me breakfast.
I was like, do you have a death wish? Why would you do that to yourself? But she does love comedy. I think that's why.
So first of all, signs everywhere that they were going to break up. First, as many people noticed, they each had their own jug of orange juice.
That's a bad sign. Is it? They're this long into a relationship and they can't share an orange juice together.
They can't bring their orange juices together. I wouldn't share shit.
I like those couples who have separate rooms. I want like a separate room, a separate kitchen, a separate bathroom.
I'll just see you down the hall every once in a while, get a blowjob and go back to bed. Get out of my room.
Don't put your fucking lips on my OJ. They were on my dick.
But truly, like, when Craig sat on that countertop, it was bad enough he was sitting on his countertop because people, don't sit where you're preparing your food. But then he swung around and put his foot in the sink.
And not just in the sink. He had, like, his big toe out of it and the rest of the toes inside it.
And I was like, is this... I couldn't tell what was grosser.
The fact that he was putting his foot juice on the dishes or putting the dish juice on his feet and on throughout the house. And you just see Paige.
Paige has retreated as far away as possible in the kitchen. She's just sitting behind like some desk and she's just looking at him like, I can't do this anymore.
I know, like run. If I wasn't so lazy, I would run right now.
You clearly don't have friends with babies because the kitchen sink is basically baby asshole. And everybody knows it.
It's like the baby bathing thing. Everyone's like, oh, it's my baby.
They put it in the sink. They're washing it while they're making your salad.
I'm like, next time we're going to a restaurant. Also, you can tell that this couple has nothing going on or that Paige really hates him because they have nothing to shoot.
So we see them wake up, they go downstairs, and she's like, make eggs. And the next thing you know, he's serving the eggs.
I wanted to see that whole 10-minute scene of Paige just being like... She was absolutely disgusted this entire time, as we all were.
As we all were. So she's like, okay, well, I guess I'll ask

what happened on the trip.

He's like, oh, where to start?

I mean, there's me and Austin.

We had, like, a breakthrough

because, like, I was trying to figure out

what the issue was, and so it turns out...

Yeah, surely it's not that I, like,

tried to steal our business

that we've both built up for $5.

Certainly it's nothing like that.

He's like, yeah, he accused me of getting sober

to keep up an image.

I was like, I don't think that Austin actually accused me. I am so mad that I have had to take Austin's side so many times this season.
It's weird. It's a weird feeling.
It's unfortunate. Yeah, I don't think he said, you know, he didn't say like you're curating an image.
Yeah, he did say that, right?

No, Austin said you're trying to act like you're this Martha Stewart person, but he didn't say you got sober because of that.

He just said you're trying to act like...

Well, no one's ever accused Craig of being sober.

Yeah.

Even Craig.

Craig's like, guys, I'm an alcoholic.

Yeah, Craig's leaving out the part that this conversation about him being sober

and an addict happened

while he was fully drunk on a beach.

Holding an entire bottle

of fucking champagne for himself.

And we see a flashback of Austin being,

Craig, this is insane right now.

Craig, Craig.

I feel like you have this careful curated image

and now like you have to pretend like you're that.

But I'm rich.

Just Greg's explanation for everything.

But wait, it worked because then the next day

Austin was like, hey, do you want a soda water?

So we're best friends again.

So yeah, I was finally like, no, I'm getting sober kind of

because I'm an addict.

Do you want a bloody Mary to talk this over?

So Paige is like, yeah,

it's just so fucking weird.

Like if one of my friends was saying like,

I'm trying not to drink for a couple of months,

I'd be like, clearly you're not dating Craig.

I cried when I said addict. He's really trying to have a moment right now.
He's like hoping Diane Sawyer calls him up and is like, tell me about being an addict. I'm sorry, he's trying to pull a Carl.
Even with his soft, I'm not taking it. I'm sorry, I'm taking it you just you feel you feel paper thin and like you feel powerful but like cold but like a piece of paper I've worked a long time to get paper thin and cold Craig um listen you're a kind of lawyer not a kind of judge do not judge not judge me, you motherfucker.
And he's like, yeah, I just really, I had only talked to you and my parents, and I never said it to anyone. I come from a family of alcoholics, and I bet you anywhere his mother was on that couch going, no, he doesn't.
I know. Who in our family is an alcoholic, honey? Who? So then we go over to Austin's house where his sister, Katie, comes over and she's like, ugh, I guess tell me about your stupid trip.
He's like, oh, thanks for asking. Well, Craig and I talked and on the last night he opened up to me about his struggles with addiction.
It was insane. And then I guess I should have known and seen that because I knew that he was addicted to Adderall, but knowing he was addicted to Adderall, I didn't think he was an addict.
You know what I'm saying? It's insane right now. So we're still calling Coke Adderall now? The sister's like, I'm just trying to get the language down here.
She's like, yes, sometimes you need the other person to say it for you to really understand it. Or you can just watch with your eyes and listen to them.
Watch the coke go up their nose. That's a good clue.
He's like, you know, I've always started as an alcoholic as someone who wakes up in the morning and pounds drinks. You do that.
No. They have to do it.
Or they wake up on a beach after getting kicked out of a casino or something or like has threesomes you know and then magically forgets about him the next day left grabbing their wieners going that's insane madison insane right now so he's like yeah yeah it was just like it wasn't the same like we just were both crying we're both like teary-eyed she's like, yeah. Yeah, it was just like, it wasn't the same.

Like, we just were both crying.

We're both, like, teary-eyed.

She's like, uh-huh.

Yeah, it was just like, we really buried the hatchet.

She's like, so we're going to close the chapter on this topic, right?

We don't have to talk about this ever again, right?

She's like, yeah, addiction comes in all forms.

Like, you can't stop cutting your hair like a Republican congressman.

I mean, we all have our things. He's like...
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. forums like you can't stop cutting your hair like a republican congressman i mean we all have our things he's like it was it was like honestly like a great moment and like we told each other that we loved each other and it was like nice for like the first time in a long time i felt like i was having a best friend connection with craig she's like do we still get free pillows or not time we did lines together, we put them in the shape of the heart.
Like, we're really back. We're back.
So then we go back to Craig and Paige and Craig's like, you know, sometimes I think like me getting better. When? I'm sorry.
You have not taken the journey, sir. You don't get to just zip to the final location.
He's like, here's a bowl of chips. I win.
No, you have to earn that shit. So he's like, yeah, sometimes me getting better, it holds a mirror up to Austin, and he looks at himself, and he's like, wow, I was way hotter before.
Being inspirational is so hard. Well, you know, sometimes I feel like the generation that we grew up in, hearing the word drug addict and alcoholic meant that you drank every single day, all day.
Also, could you take your foot out of the drain? The sink is overflowing. Yeah, being an alcoholic means you drink in the morning.
Did my mother raise these people? I swear to God, I've never heard such loose, like, you're only an alcoholic. They all think that.
You're only an alcoholic if you drink in the morning? Jesus Christ. I also love Paige acting like she's like a wise, older matron.
She's like, well, in my generation, we grew up knowing what an attitude is. You're 13 years old.
You were like caught drunk on TikTok.

That's how it happened when I was a kid. She's like, you know, like you hear like words like drug addict and like alcoholic.
You know, it means you drink all day, every day, you know, or like you beat your wife up or like you put your dog in a dress, you know, or like, I don't know, becoming a DJ in your mid-40s.

For me, it was cyclical.

Like, I would be good for a few months,

and then I would go too far and realize I was actually never good for a few months.

It's like, yeah, you're an alcoholic

because your personality was totally different

from one minute to the next.

Or it just means I'm dating you.

Because she's like, stop acting like that, Paige.

Or stop acting like that, Craig.

I think that's what it is.

That's why it's changed.

I got to the bottom.

Well, I got to my bottom

when I could just see it on Paige's face.

She just had this look on her face

like I just wasn't the guy.

She had seen herself marrying.

But to be fair, that was also the look

after our first kiss.

Actually, now that I'm looking at her,

Thank you. the guy she had seen herself marrying, but to be fair, that was also the look after our first kiss.
Actually, now that I'm looking at her, that's the face she's making right now. Paige is like stirring her dry eggs around like...
Well, I got really lucky that you were still there, Paige, like when I made the decision to ask for help and you were like there and ready. She's like, yeah, and I was really lucky that you gave me a stool next to a cricket machine.
So that's cool too. So he's like, yeah, it wasn't until almost losing Paige for me to actually change my behaviors.
She was like my rock that I crushed up in a tiny little powder. Sorry.
Sorry. I'm better.
I'm better. You know, you do it for yourself, but like she's the first thing in my app.
I have an app. It's like, why do you want to be sober, Paige? Dot, dot, dot.
Says she's going to kill me if I have one more drink on television. I'll always be grateful I didn't lose you when I hit my bottom, and I don't plan on going back there.
She's like, and you... What's wrong with you? It's just so fun to pretend

things that Paige is going to say.

Okay, here's mine.

Alright, if this makes you feel better,

I'll hit my bottom.

Do you know when my bottom was, Craig?

When every time I get on the plane to Charleston.

She's like, now you can lose me.

You know, listen, you're not going to lose me when you hit at rock bottom, okay?

You can lose me right now, right at mediocrity.

Just hit right at mediocrity, okay?

But know that if I ever need to leave in the middle of the night with kids, they're probably not going to be your kids. So now we go over to Madison's house where her mom has come over.
Is the, you okay there? Yeah, I have to get this screenshot up of Madison's bookcase. Oh, yeah, yeah, get that ready.
So, Brett... Someone said she can't read.

I think she can read.

It's not that...

I think she can read.

I just

don't think she reads, like, books.

I certainly, like...

I certainly don't think she

reads a book called The Great Depression.

I mean, girl.

And I get it, you know, you have Thank you. I certainly don't think she reads a book called The Great Depression.

I mean, girl.

And I get it.

You know, you have bookcases and you have to fill things.

Finally, I just started buying shit from HomeGoods.

You know, like, it's a metal shark.

You know, it's a Buddha.

The shark's coming at the Buddha.

And I have a sign that says 100% that bitch right in front of the Buddha.

You know? And then a couple of front of the Buddha, you know?

And then a couple Harry Potter books because, you know, I'm into literature.

But yeah, this is the best one.

The Great Depression.

The Search.

Tom Clancy.

She didn't read no Tom Clancy. She's not reading Tom Clancy.

She did not do it.

Okay, oh, wait.

She has a book that just says The Caribbean.

Tater tots, the novel. Nobody's believing you.
So, yeah, her mom's there, and they're talking about, you know, corn. That's what they talk about.
Her mom's like, oh, you've always had that little mouth on you. I mean, do you remember that one time when you went into that restaurant and I couldn't find you? And then there you were.
We finally found you. And you were ordering a three-course meal.
I mean, every course was just corn, so it was pretty easy. But there you were.
Then that waitress came over and you accused her of leaving off the sour cream. And you called the manager over and got her fired.
Honey, we were so proud of you. We were just so proud of you.
That's right. That bitch never learned, did she? My daddy used to say, don't kill her spirit, just let her be who she is.
Well, I got some good news. Brett don't got cancer no more, so that's good.
Unfortunately, he still don't have a personality either, but hey, can't fix everything at once. So, anyway, the test came back and they say that he is 86% born for corn so we're very happy here so uh they're talking about babies and uh the mom's like what if you have twins and said oh hell no I wouldn't go that far mama I'm gonna ruin this body she's like yeah honey you worked hard for that body.
She goes, not really. This is 50-50 me.

Let's face the truth.

So now,

the thing that everyone loves

is the big

southern charm music

while everyone does

things around town.

So the old...

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum And it's just Charles. It's just Charles being walked.
He's like... Charles made it out of the backyard today, guys.
He got to walk down the sidewalk. He's like, move a little slower, please.
Some of us are trying to enjoy a cigarette. damn it Charles walks along like he's a big dog and then he sees a beetle and freaks out so yeah so then she talks to JT on the phone by the way so this Vanita saga just keeps on saga-ing start whipping out my cell phone again.
I'm like a lawyer with only an iPhone. And a storyteller.
So Vanita's latest lie, I mean, sorry. We all love Vanita.
I don't want to see Vanita turn into a villain because I actually like Vanita, but she's kind of turning turning into a villain and it's hilarious. She's doing it to herself because she just keeps telling lies.
This latest one is she went on Us Magazine or in Us, how do you do it? You went to Us Magazine and inside, she went inside, inside Us Magazine. Okay.
She told them, imagine saying, imagine having a girlfriend and then having your best friend spend $5,000 on you.

Because she's saying that they went to buy that jacket and she ended up paying for it.

And meanwhile, he's saying that he has some girlfriend.

And then why is he letting her spend $5,000 on a jacket, this and that.

So he posted, the jacket I wore to the episode one horse race. $5,000 filmed on camera.
At the time, it was funny. We laughed it off, and I PayPal'd in full.
And now it's another little lie I get to deal with. Almost over, ODAT.
I don't know what ODAT means. But he posted the PayPal receipt, so she got caught again.
Yeah. I'm surprised he called it a little lie.
I thought everything was sort of like a big lie

to him. He's like, um, we are

slash we're best friends

and I forgot my credit card in her call by

accident. I was hobbling with a cane

a few days later

after Patricia kicked me in my nuts

and told me to get out of this town before she

burnt my house down.

And I PayPal'd her back

in full after she insisted I

slash we. What is with the I

slash we and R slash

Thank you. burnt my house down.
And I PayPal'd her back in full after she insisted I slash we.

What is with the I slash we and our slash they?

Get out of here.

You don't get part of our movement, sir.

And not hobble me back to the car

to get the car and hobble back.

This is fun.

Dot, dot, dot.

Okay, so Vanita.

Back when it was all okay,

Vanita was talking to JT.

See you next week. back, this is fun.
Dot, dot, dot. Okay, so Vanita, back when it was all okay, Vanita was talking to JT.
She got an invite to Madison and Ryan's summer soiree. She's like, how do you say that word? So Vanita invites JT because it's just real slim pickings down there in Charleston, I guess.
He's like, will the whole friend group be there? Craig, Austin, Sally. She's like, yeah, we're shooting a TV show.
It's the season finale. Are you going to be there? Will you please go with me? I've got no one left.
Yeah, listen, I talked to Madison about it. She really wants you to be there because she's been wanting to have a party with a pinata.
So... I'm bringing the bats.
Just please come. Please.
Do it for me. So she's like, yeah, JT can be just really wishy washy, but like, you know, he kind of puts me in this headspace of like, maybe there's a possibility of a shot between the two of us.

Vanita, we just want so much more for you.

Please stop doing this to yourself.

Please.

Stop it.

Stop doing it to me.

Think about how this affects me.

So then we see Molly and Taylor who are going for ice cream and they go in and get some little pup cups for their dogs.

That sounds like a gay kink.

I'm just going to say that right now.

Pup cup?

Pup cup.

I was low-key stressed during this scene

because they got...

Okay, who else was stressed about this?

I know you guys know what I'm going to say.

They got pup cups.

They got ice cream scoops.

They got lattes, which by the way, lattes and ice cream, it's sort of okay. They got ice cream scoops.
They got lattes

which by the way, lattes and ice cream is sort of

okay. And then they had dog leashes.

They had so many things for their hands.

Pace it

out.

Have the lattes after the ice cream.

No, you can't pace it out.

It's counter service. The minute you sit down at your

table, there's 15 other fucking people there

you just got off the bus and you have to sit there and wait for the next.

They're walking across the street with their

pup cups and their ice cream and their lattes

Thank you. counter service.
The minute you sit down at your table, there's 15 other fucking people there you just got off the bus and you have to sit there and wait for the next... They're walking across the street with their

cup cups and their ice cream and their lattes,

melting in their hands while they're balancing. The dog's going crazy.

I was like, put something down.

Don't order so much.

I'm losing my mind right now.

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And let us know how you feel the difference. I liked when they went up to order and Molly was like, Um, hi, I'm a depressed model, so I'm going to go ahead.
I'm going to get a coffee and a gelato, okay? And then Taylor was like, whoa! Whoa, girl! It's the first time we've ever seen Taylor's face move in the entire run of... She was like...
She learned how to move it in the Bahamas, because they showed that clip of her. They were playing some game at night and it's like, oh my God, Taylor has a personality again.

Or for the first time.

I don't remember that.

What did she do?

They were in a bed, right?

And she was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

They're like, look, she laughed.

She was like, they were playing around

and she was being funny

and they were all like, she was laughing

and they were laughing with her for

once it was weird

so yeah they're spilling shit

everywhere and so they're talking about boys

you know and

Molly's like yeah I slept through

therapy so

I feel like

Molly sleeps through therapy a lot just don't

call the therapist just save yourself

the time save yourself the guilt

I sleep through not going through therapy a lot. Just don't call the therapist.
Just save yourself the time. Save yourself the guilt.
I sleep through not going to therapy, you know? And I wake up and I say, fuck, that was better than fucking therapy. Thank you.
I'm imagining what her voicemail was for her therapist. Like, hi, you've reached Molly.
I'm out getting a pub cup. Leave a message after the beep.
Sorry, I'm not going to meet. I'm not going to be able to meet for therapy today, but I do have goals.
I'm going to carry a latte, a pub cup, a gelato, and a fucking dog at the same time. So, so they're basically, they sit, they sit down and they're like talking about the vacation, like have you recovered and everything? Yeah.
she slept through therapy and then they start talking shit about Shep, which is kind of fun because I mean it's not like high level shit talk but it was like a good try and I supported it because Molly's like, Shep was probably crying in the ocean about Sienna, oh my god and then Taylor's like yeah, he probably added like five feet to the ocean because his tears. Yeah.
So many tears. So many tears.
It's like an audition reel. And she's like, yeah, like everyone was really trying to get me to get with Shep.
It's like so embarrassing. And it sounds like two actors sitting at a commercial audition and they're like, oh my god, I heard this commercial shoots in Afghanistan.
What are you going to do if you get it? Well, I guess I'm going to fucking go to Afghanistan. That's how she's talking about dating Shep.
Every time they show her talking about dating Shep, she's like, yeah, Shep's really cute. And I think she's really sad about his girlfriend.
So that's something. I was like, girl, just don't take the job.
Wait tables for a while. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's not worth it.
And then they're going, no, yes, yes. That's how it is on this show.
That's the audition process. They make you bang one of these people on the show.
Nobody needs that in their life. It's over.
Walk away from these men. I want a whole season of these men having to masturbate and get turned down by everybody.
Do you guys remember when they went to L.A. on a guy's trip? How the women reacted to them? I need a season of that.
They were just like they were like whoa. So speaking of these handsome devils we then go over to Shep's house where he walks in with his bag and he like unpacks a bunch of seashells which try to contain yourself ladies I know.
Stop throwing the panties at the stage. I know that got you so excited right now.
I'm going to file these down and call them shark teeth. I've got so much ass in this suitcase.
Gosh, usually I get what I want and yada, yada, yada. I'm a spoiled brat.
Just kidding, I'm a little boy. Anyway,

all the things with Sienna hurt,

but I'm just trying to let the heart win these days.

And then I'll get shit-faced tonight and wake up on the side of the road somewhere.

It'll be great.

I'm going to call my dad Rip.

At first when I read this back,

I was like, his dad died? Like, I didn't remember his dad dying his dad his name rip so uh and i love every time he talks to his dad the dads on this show are so universally disappointed it's so fucking funny austin's dad is just shit-faced at this point every time they say he's like welcome home, welcome home, son. His mom's like, oh, God, Austin, what you do now? Then we've got Thomas Ravenel's dad.
He's like, you stupid son of a bitch. I gave you everything, everything.
So now Shep is telling his dad, rip. He's like, gosh, I just got back from Cuba.

So did you guys see in the news today

that Cuba suffered a nationwide blackout,

the entire power grid?

The power grid did not fail.

That was like, oh God, we think Shep is coming back.

We're turning off the lights.

Everyone's like, oh God, he's coming back.

Don't we have an embargo on these people?

The nation has suffered an outage of welcome mats.

There are just no welcome mats left on any doors.

Like, please go home.

Shep, go home.

So his dad's like, how'd the Bahamas go?

And he's like, well, I sort of felt like a lame duck president.

I felt like Chester Arthur in the last two months of his presidential term. Gosh.
I knew something was amiss, and it just got worse. Well, you know, some things happen, and you just have no control over it.
It just wasn't meant to be, so you just got to move on. Kind of like my hopes and dreams for you, son.

Looking back,

I just, I think it's good to get your heart broken.

It feels good, you know?

That's what life is about.

It's about bumps.

All right, son, we've talked about that.

Not that kind.

Bumps and bruises, you know?

And like, it's your story.

It's a tapestry.

It's like if Ophelia made a tapestry.

That's what life is like.

A lame duck tapestry.

I'm going to look fondly at this one day.

I know.

But at the moment, it's not so nostalgic.

Have you ever given a shark tooth to a tapestry before?

Well, you've got a full summer ahead of you.

I would suggest going back to Cuba and saying something anti-presidente. Dad, you're not going to get me with that one again.
So back in the bench of melting ice cream cones, it's Molly and Taylor. And Molly's like, I mean, this whole Shep and Sienna thing, like, I'm not like in love with Shep or anything, but I've been told if I want to end on this show, I should be, so...
Yay. He's hot, sort of, right? I know I cried that day that he cried about that girl, but I got my period, so I literally would cry about anything.
You know, not that Shep's done anything to make me feel stupid, it's just everyone else in the group. Listen, hanging out with this group should make you feel intelligent.

I think if you're hanging around

these people, the best thing that could happen

is just feeling like, I know words.

My favorite is when they

talk shit about Shep right in front of Taylor

because Molly's like, I mean, it's Shep. He's a

disaster. Everyone can see he's a disaster.
No one would

date him in the first place. He's disgusting.
I mean, I lose

respect for anyone who'd spend more than 10 minutes with him. Am I right? And Taylor's like, yeah.
I mean, I asked Taylor about it in her confessional and she's like, I mean, I hope that they date because I don't know, they could date. What, was I saying something? Molly says that regarding Shep, she's not going to put any eggs in that basket.
I'm like, you better not

because he has very violent reaction to eggs.

You better put those eggs in the freezer

and don't let them out until you change cities.

That's what I'd suggest.

So she's, sorry, I got lost.

So Taylor's like, yeah, you know what?

Like, meet someone organically.

Like Gaston. Molly's like, fuck all these guys.
Just go somewhere where there's TV cameras, organic TV cameras, and find out who's single. Boom.
Or not. So Sally, now we go to Sally.
Sally's kind of my new favorite, and I don't really know why,

because she really doesn't do much except, like, I don't know,

admit to blowing people and stuff, but that's my kind of girl.

What can I say?

I really like her.

I love Sally.

I like that she's like, I'm a robot surgeon.

And people are like, she checks the robots.

She, like, makes sure the robots are working.

I'm like, that counts.

Leave her fucking alone.

Stop diminishing her accomplishments.

Yeah, and I like that her mom is like, what's her name? Julie Haggerty from Airplane, you know? Because they're riding along. She's like, well, Tom, for me to get the implants out, she's like, oh, honey, I always thought your implants were really pretty, but they were pretty before also.
She's like, thanks, Mom. Anytime, sweetheart, we all make mistakes.
Really? That's how you read it? Because I read it like her mom's super pissed. Because she's like, oh, Mom, I can't wait to get my implants out.
And her mom's like, oh, God, they were so pretty. Like her boobs before.
She was mad that she got implants. And so she's like, well, I'm going to get it back.
Well, good luck with that. Can you go back to heaven? God, what a pair of cans you had.
And then look what you did. You just threw them drain she's like sorry mom so Sally tells the whole story about how she got these implants to please her ex-fiance and at first she liked them but then you know she didn't like them anymore so now she wants them out so she goes to this plastic surgeon and he is like you know he does his examination so she opens up her shirt and he's looking at them and he goes, wow, your breasts are great.
Damn it, you've got nice cans. He's like, Jesus Christ.
Oh. He's like, God damn, normally I sail across the channel, but this time I want a motorboat.
The weirdest part was when Lexi from Summer House showed up and was like, guys, this is like my biggest insecurity. I've never seen And all the time that we have seen

These exams on Bravo, because Lord knows they happen every other week, we have never seen a plastic surgeon get such an obvious on-screen boner. You did.
I know. I was like, wow.
It's like, God damn it. Your tits are nice.
I mean, this is like taking a knife to a Picasso.

They always said, do what you love and the money will follow.

Am I right, toots?

So she opens her blouse or whatever, and her boobs are out.

And I learned so much about boobs.

And so she's like, I mean, you wouldn't think I ate there for the first six years of my life. Am I right?

Is that weird? JK, JK. But she opens her blouse and she's like, I just don't like that they're always looking in different directions, you know, because they're like that.
And he's like, they're not supposed to face forward, honey. No man wants a pair of eyes staring at him.
Check, please. So she's like, you know, I never should have gotten these implants, but I made a mistake.
And her mom goes, we all make mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, we now go to Craig and Paige.
And he has given her a beverage in a can that's in a koozie. And she's like, wow, a koozie.
You know, I never even heard of these before I met you. And now they're all over my apartment.
He's like, I know, pretty cool, right? That wasn't a positive thing. They're only in my apartment because the trash man refuses to pick this trash up.
So he's like grilling hot dogs. And she's like, so when is Austin coming? I'm about to die of boredom.
And he's like, he's on his way. We haven't hung out since becoming friends again in the Bahamas.
So he comes over, and she goes, I'm just going to ask, what does quality time mean? Because normally when men get together for quality time, wars ensue. So she's like, oh, wow, you guys are matching in stupidity.
So they were all saying hi and everything. He's like, wow, this is insane.
I haven't seen this backyard in forever since I was here three weeks ago to tell you you never invite me over to your backyard. He's like, oh, you don't even love me, Paige.
You haven't seen me in ten weeks. And she's like, I don't date you.
It's bad enough hanging out with one moron that I actually date, okay? So she's like, do you want to see our bees? Otherwise known as a weapon. Hold on.
Put some of this honey on your face. You can see Paige is so horrified that Craig actually went through this beekeeping situation.
She's like, I am not going to take care of those bees for the rest of my life. It's bad enough that I have koozies.
I don't need bees. So Craig's like, the reason I got these bees is just to show Paige what a real woman is like.
She's really goal-oriented. All she cares about is family.
Paige is like, my God, fucking kill me right now. Yeah, well, then she flies off and she rips their dicks off their body, and I'm going to implement that into our culture.
So then Craig's like, welcome back to the yard. Have you seen me turn on fireplaces with my phone? I saw Craig! Jesus! Insane, Paige.
I just haven't talked to him forever. It's like, I hear you're coming to town, and I'm just like, sit here, I don't get to see you.
And she's like, well, my loyalty is to Craig for now. So he put his foot in the sink.
You have about 10 minutes left in this relationship. So I heard you and Craig made up and acted like pussies together.
How was that? He's like, God, God, Jesus Christ, Paige. And Craig's like, no, I guess that was funny.
He's like, yeah. She's like, yeah, Craig's your real pussy, huh? And they're like, ha, ha, ha, Craig, Craig.

Austin and Paige realize they really do like each other because they both hate Craig.

So then Austin shares that he almost wore linen pants today,

but he didn't.

He's like, I asked Audrey.

I was like, I'm going to Craig's house.

I'll wear linen pants. Paige is like, how old is she again? 26.
How old are you again? 36. Does anyone have a towel? I have a lot of saliva on my face now.
I'm never going to ask him questions again. Have you asked her how she feels about standing inside a car wash every time you'd say a sentence.
Question. Is she trying to, like, progress within this relationship? She is.
Oh, that's so sad. Whoa, we did say the L word.
Well, to be fair, lesbianism would be more attractive to her after a couple of months with you. Was the L word Lysol?

So she's like, yeah, okay, well, you don't have to do that.

It's amazing.

You guys have been together six months, and you don't have to do that disgusting thing

where you're like, oh, let's commit to each other.

Let's have babies.

Let's have a family.

Let's move in together.

Oh, I'm cooking hot dogs on a grill.

Look at me.

Oh, fireplace.

I can do it with my fun. What? It's like, what's wrong with my dreams? He's like, yeah, I'm not even going to think about that until the two-year mark, you know? I'm not going to even be like, hey, hey, why do you think I'm moving here? I mean, the best thing is having a girlfriend who's not even here.
She can't see me. Oh, my God.
Craig and I have been dating for, like, two and a half years. And, like, so, like, right when we started dating, he was like, are you going to move? And I'm like, I've known this man for six months.
It's ridiculous. And the answer is and always will be no.
I will not. But is it so weird to talk about your dream of children like six months in? He's like, yeah, we talked about that.
She wants four, dude. Four.
Wow. Paige wants three kids.
No, I don't want three kids. I want to go to three Zara sales by the end of the year.
I want two, Craig. You don't listen to me.
And he's like, but you said if we don't have one of each, though, you'll keep trying until we have a girl. That's why I only froze my boy's sperm.
You know, when I'm with him, I've noticed that things are not as calm

and as cool as he makes it seem.

Did she just snap at him a bit,

or was he just annoyed with her?

I'm going to be honest,

they're so on opposite sides of the spectrum of life.

Wow, congratulations, Austin.

You looked at Craig, you looked at Paige,

and it took you three years to realize that.

Welcome to the rest of America.

Paige is improvising, hanging herself in a noose, and Austin's like, I don't think she liked him. You know what my favorite thing to do with Paige is to make fun of Craig.
Am I right, Paige? And she's like, yeah, we're so good at it, but best of all, it's just so easy. You know, they just roll off your tongue.
Have you ever tried to throw a hammer at his head?

It's so fun.

You know, you guys are the only ones

who think that's funny, okay? It's not funny.

It's not that easy, okay? She goes,

um, not easy. I'm sorry.

Are you trying to remember what a spatula does

again?

And now,

guys, out of nowhere,

a serious racial storyline. Here we go.
The episode's just sort of going along like, oh, we're having some ice cream. Southern Charm, the most racist shit I've ever seen on TV.
Coming home to teach me about race. Can't wait.
Out of nowhere. I was just like just like the episodes go, wait, what's happening now on the episode?

I know. I was like, nothing's happening in this show.

I do like the implant storyline, though.

Wait, what?

So Leva calls up

Vanita. Ronnie?

How are you?

I'm really busy,

but I decided to check in, so how are you

doing?

So,

uh,

Vanita's like,

oh my God,

I am distraught.

I almost just drowned again,

but that's besides the point.

Ryan called me.

I know that is really crazy.

Why would he do that?

Why would he call you?

Okay.

He said,

I need to tell you something as a friend.

And I was like,

he said,

I was getting my haircut and my barber was telling me

I'm sorry. you okay he said i need to tell you something as a friend and i was like he said i was getting my haircut and my barber was telling me don't eat the cookie dough with your bare hands that could poison you your dad's gonna kill you leva this is serious okay a barber was talking okay and don't do coke at work please do that at home there's no coke at work and then so apparently the barber said it that jt okay this is what the barber said verbatim and then we see a flashback to ryan on the phone saying okay okay so jay oh god jt jt told him that there's some black girl who has been coming on to him and his girlfriend is going to be so pissed.
Oh my god, this is too much.

And Lovett's like, wait a minute.

Lamar, take the kids.

This is serious.

He said some

black girl? Are you sure that that's what he said?

Some black girl? Is that what

he said? Yes.

And also said that the name of the barber was Zachary Daiquiri. The story was really strange.
It's a weird story. I mean, that doesn't sound like JT.
I know his mother. Normally racists don't have mothers, so this is...
I don't know. It's strange.
I mean, a very polite white woman from the South saying something racist, I don't know. Insane.
I mean, you know, I don't know. It's strange.
I mean, a very polite white woman from the South saying something racist. I don't know.
Insane. I mean, you know, I don't believe that.
I know JT. Like, I don't believe he speaks that way.
Like, I've never heard about that. You know what? There's been, like, so much challenge against JT.
You know, but are we wrong about JT? Would he say some black girl? Would he say it? Call the barber. Do you have the barber's number? Call that motherfucker.
Call him right now. Call him.
Lamar, call the barber. We're going to put you on group chat.
Lamar won't do it. Hold on.
We do have a witness to what happened. Local Charleston resident Emmy Jarrett.
Guys, Will didn't say it. How many times the barber was bullied at law school? Why do you have to do this to me on camera every single time? This is what I get.
This is what I get for trying to be a good person. So Leva's like, yeah, I mean, maybe I don't know this guy at all.

Like, I mean, I've hung out with him like seven minutes total this season.

We've all seen it.

But you know what?

Like, I don't know Ryan at all either.

So, like, I don't know.

Like, maybe I need to call with JT.

I'm not good with a game of telephone.

So, what I'm going to do, I'm going to get JT.

We're going to go to some restaurant that's outdoors so I can escape quickly.

And then I'm going to kind of say what you said, but I'm going to make it sound a lot worse, which is nothing like the game of telephone, which I absolutely fucking hate. So then it's like, dun, dun, 30 minutes later.
I'm like, why is this episode so serious all of a sudden? And why does nobody on this show have anything to do? It's like, meet me for toast. I've got some tea.
I'll be right there. I know.
All right, sit down. Did you get your waffle tots? I sure did.
So JT has no idea what's about to come his way, which is funny because he thinks he's going to do a happy-go-lucky JT scene. He's got all his banter ready.
He's like, well, I think I still have PTSD from the Bahamas. You heard I left early, right? Should we make that a thing? Make it a storyline, right? What do you think? Bunny picked out a new couch.
Want to talk about it? She's like, sit down, stupid. So how have you been? Oh, you know.
Hey, did you hear about what happened in the hotel room with Vanita? You want to talk about that? That was awesome, right? Well, I mean, I did hear a little. Vanita gave me kind of the lowdown about the Bahamas.
She told you about what happened in the room, right? The hotel room. She goes, yeah, I assumed it wasn't the fucking conference room of the hotel, JT.
Yes. It's like, well, there's definitely chemistry and attraction.
She's like, JT, I'm not trying to prolong this storyline. We have something else to talk about.
He's like, no, no, let's talk about Vanita some more.

Okay, here's the thing.

I didn't know you had a full-fledged girlfriend, JT.

He's like, well, you know, I mean,

there were definitely flirtatious bobs that probably were,

I was probably a mess-up bobs,

and maybe I shouldn't have eaten her branzino.

But, you know, it was a real comfy couch.

Listen, I'm not trying to demonize you, okay? You're enough of a gargoyle as it is. You don't need my help.
What I'm trying to say is, well, she called me yesterday and said, do you want me to come to the Swarer? And I was like, what the fuck is a Swarer? You know, I just have to process things after the Bahamas. I was maligned.
I was maliciously maligned-ed.

It hurts.

Okay, that's nice.

There's more stuff.

There's more information that you should know about.

I don't want to perpetuate something if you didn't say it,

but I also want you to know what's being said,

and what's being said is that Republic is the best fucking bar in the South south it's not my fault that it's such a fucking good bar and club to like look i mean look the gay guy ryan goes to the same barber as you he does he's the only guy who deals with plugs that well so yeah he goes to the bar and um he said that you said verbatim verbatim there's some black girl trying to get me to break up with my girlfriend and vanita's like distraught okay and he was uh and she's distraught and you know like verbatim you said some brown girl or some black girl or something he's like what no no no that sounds racist it's like yeah that's why it's being brought to your attention. That's why we're talking about it.
You think Levin does toast with everybody? And yeah, I mean, she was just like, I thought we were real friends. She's like, yeah, I mean, we are, we are real friends.
God, I'm sorry that she thinks that, like, this is yet another time where words are being put in my mouth and I have nothing but respect for, what was her name again? Vanita. Vanita.
The fact that Ryan has trolled me is extremely offensive. You're gonna call me a racist behind my back to someone I actually care about on top of that? That is so ugly.
It's so sinister. It makes my blood boil.
Damn, JT. He's like, I will never see that barber again.
I say, I say, I say. A line cut from Gone with the Wind.
I shall never see that barber again. And I will never see Ryan again until he walks that shit back because this is absolute bullshit.
This is not how I roll, especially because I got that limp and stuff. Who's the barber? Call the barber.
Do you have his plug? Call him. Call him right now.
Just do it. Just do it.
It'll be fun. It's going to be amazing.
All right. It's like, peep, peep, peep beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
It's like, howdy doody. Welcome to the barber salon.
How can I help you? Peter's plugs. What's going on? Welcome to shoulders and heads.
I can't call it and Shoulders because that's copyright. How can I help you?

Check your special.

We'll make you look like a fucking doll for 50 bucks.

Come on in.

Last till Monday.

Welcome to Mediocre Sam's.

Hey, I need you to do me a monumental favor.

More than the beaver working at a bank look you requested?

Because that was a weird cut to ask for, honey.

So, your other client, Ryan, says, This barber said that JT said that some black girl on the show

is making me sound like a racist. Can I just ask? And is trying to ruin your relationship? Say that part.
I mean, come on, don't make me calm. Yeah, all that.
Can I just ask, did I ever use the word black or some sequence of words like some black girl or girl black some or girl? Girl, girl black some girl. Did I recite the lyrics to Black Old Son?

Did I,

did I ever talk about

Garcelle's hit movie,

Black Girl Missing?

Number 36 is on its way out.

On small screen soon.

So he's like,

no,

when you were getting

your hair cut for me,

I said,

how does it look?

You said,

make it look dumber. I said, okay.
I just started stapling away. I say, what's going on with that TV show? I can absolutely not believe that they would cast a two-foot tall person to be on.
And you said, there's a love interest with a cute little black girl on the show. Name was Vanita.
And that's the gist of it, hon. That's all I said.
I mean, there wasn't really much context else around that. Now, you know, I might have fucked that up because I am articulate or nothing.
That's the best defense ever. I'm so sorry.
Maybe I said it wrong. I'm just not articulate.
It was a messy barber. Let's be honest.
So the barber, he's like, if I said,

if it was off or something, if I relayed it wrong,

just blame Chelsea.

Okay, she's the messy one here.

Chelsea.

Are you on the phone with those Southern Charm people?

Tell them something for me.

You're all pussies.

I miss her, Chelsea. So JT, after making that proclamation of,

I will never ever go back to that barba.

Now he says, well, you and I are good.

Keep that glue gun warmed up because I'll be there soon.

So he's like, all right, no problem.

Talk soon.

So Levin's like, oh my God, I'm so glad you did that quickly because it was a lot and I really want to go. So JT's like, Vanita's not some girl.
She is someone that matters to me deeply. I mean, not enough to fuck, but enough to pretend to fuck while I have a girlfriend on the side.
You know what I'm talking about. So what do you think happened with this JT and the barber thing? I don't know.
I think there were just messy people and I don't know what goes on in barbershops in Charleston. I'm going to let that stay there.
Really? You don't know what happened? I think he probably said, oh, there's this real cute black girl on the show. There's a love interest there.
My girlfriend's going to kill me. And then Ryan heard it, was like, he said some back.
Yeah. And they're like, oh, oh, oh.
Here's the thing. To me, it does sound like it probably was telephone, that like JT said one thing, the barber then relayed one thing, then Ryan heard another thing, and then it just was, he gave a telephone telephone.
But also, it's Southern Charm, so I have no idea what's going on. So I'm just gonna be like, well, we'll just see.
We'll have to see how that one unfolds. You'll have to wait, because then next week, we see in the previews, Ryan's like, I'm telling my side of the story.
It's Ryan's big moment. Freaking out.
So we see Vanita in bed, and JT calls her. He's like, hey, now listen.
I met with Leva, and I am still shaking. And I don't know if you talked to her or not, but I'm upset.
You know, you're just, I'm just, it's horrible. And I'm upset that you got hurt and insinuated.
I mean, what's going on? And Leva's hurt because her husband's black. And I go, I'm going like, this hurts and you're hurting and you're black and he's black.
There's just so many black people around here. What am I supposed to do? She's like, okay, just stop saying black.
Because you were just let off the hook, and I feel like you're about to fall on the hook again. He's like, I know.
This is sick, man. This motherfucker just called me, and his husband is also black, and this has all the looks of a fucking target job by a psychopath.
Ron made me out to be a racist. Yeah.

And scene.

That brings us to the end of Southern Charm.

Thank you, Minneapolis,

for coming out tonight. We love

seeing you, and we will see you at the next show.

Good night, everyone. Thank you.
We love you guys.

Get your ass

out of this chair.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.
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