#2756 RHOA S16E01 Part One: Pretty As a Peach

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I'm Ben Manning. It's when there's so much that's crap ends.
Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Oh, hello.
How's it going? Just fine and dandy. Atlanta is back.
We are recapping Real Housewives of Atlanta today. Before we get into it, some fun updates, which is that our show is going back on the road this week.
We are going to be in Cincinnati on Friday night, and we are going to be recapping Summer House. And then the next night, we're going to Minneapolis, and we'll recap Southern Charm.
and then we are going to be recapping Summer House and then the next night we're going to Minneapolis and we'll recap Southern Charm and then we are crossing the border into Canada and we are going to go to Toronto to recap a classic episode of Roni some may say the best episode of all time across maybe all franchises that is the Berkshhires, December Berkshire County, season eight, episode nine. I believe that that's what it is.
You know, it's the one. It's the one.
We're recapping that one. So if you want to come join us, go to watchacrappens.com to get your ticket.
I always say this, come solo, come with a group. If you're afraid of coming solo, literally don't even worry about it.
You will make friends. And even if you don't make friends, you'll still have a great time.
Chances are you probably listen to it on your own anyway. So there's no difference, right? I personally actually love going to live events solo.
Now I've discovered that it's like probably one of my favorite ways to see live music and shows. So go do it.
Anyway, we're excited to see you all there. And then of course, later in the month, we're going to Atlanta, we're going to Charlotte, we're going to DC,

we're going to Philly. It's going to be such a great rest of the month for the show.

So that's what's happening there. Also, in case you missed it on Patreon,

we'd love to have you on Patreon. If you do decide to join up, go through your web browser.

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But just giving you a heads up for new subscribers on Patreon, that's patreon.com slash watch for crappens. Bonus episodes, video, the whole thing.
So that is the update, everyone. Shall we get into Atlanta, Ronnie? Shall we do it? I'm putting yourself updated.
Yes, let's get into Atlanta. Wow, it's been a long time since we've had Atlanta back on the screens, eh? It's been a very long time.
And wow, you know, we, this is, I have to, what did you think about the premiere, about the season premiere? Because obviously there's a lot of expectations going into it. Last season was like pretty cataclysmic.
And, you know, there's, you know, they had to fire a bunch of people, bring in new people, retool it. So a lot was riding on this premiere.
How did you feel like they did? I thought it was good. I thought it was a good start.
It is weird having a reboot. I mean, it's basically a reboot.
So it's weird having a full reboot and getting into it, you know, and then they changed all the stylistic stuff of it. They're like, it's new, get it.
Now we're doing 3D imaging, like portrait mode on the iPhone. They're doing weird stuff where it's like, look, Portia's standing, but is she close to you? Is she far away? Is she about to jog? No, she's not.
I don't believe that for two seconds, first of all. And then they do this new green screen thing, or it's like a 3D green screen where the whole floor is green, everything's green.
they still put a picture behind it so it looks like tiny dolls sitting in a doll house this drove okay this is my biggest note from the episode can we please fix the green screen for shamia okay they did not do the proportions correctly she looks like a tiny she's like shrunken down i actually paused and the size of her chair she's sitting in like a chair, you know, and it's next to a sofa. And the top of the barrel chair is as tall as like the arm of the sofa.
Like, don't you made her a miniature. Come on.
Record your proportions for your green screen. Every time it cut to where she looked like it's so obviously superimposed.
It was like a TikTok video when someone puts their head in the corner. That's what she looked like.
Well, I think they're still trying to figure it out you know because it's like new technology for them they're like housewives new things for housewives how do we do it and so they all look kind of like little dolls in a dollhouse but we found out super in her foyer which by the way i thought was hilarious well they're trying to give drew sudora some ai upgrades and they're just not working like what was that wig that she wore to the party and you could see her other hair kind of coming out the bottom? I mean, Drew Sedora is still a goddamn mess, which I love, you know? She is. But I have to say, I thought the premiere was great.
I thought this was the best season premiere in several years. I think, you know, one thing was, we even saw it in the trailer.
We didn't do a trailer trash of this show because we were doing traders on our patreon um but even on the trailer they have like adjusted the vibe of the show they kind of got it back to where it should have been all along which is it's in real house lives territory of like money and glitz and glam like the trailer and then this premiere was all about like, you know, luxury cars and jewelry, et cetera. And, you know, of course there's always that element.
There's always wealth on these shows, but I feel like they were really emphasizing it. And they sort of got back to kind of some campiness with this premiere in my mind.
Like, I just felt like the tone was tweaked in a way that I really, really liked. Well, the new girls definitely came to play.
I mean, they were like, okay, let's attack the only remaining standing person from the original cast, Portia. Fearlessly, too.
Let's take her down. Huh? Fearlessly, like without even blinking, just effortlessly not cowering, just going after Portia.
Yeah, they definitely came ready for some mess, so that ended up being fun. it was hard to kind of get into it just because there were so many new people but i think that's natural with like a new housewives so i did it was funny when there was kenya and i actually cheered when kenya came on because i thought they were going to cut her out of the season so yeah i was actually believe it or not super glad to see kenya at being so messy and i think the friend spot is actually kind of perfect for her even though she never would have agreed to be a friend but now that they've cut her into a friend it's kind of perfect i will say they look kind of like aunties to the rest of them they're like oh these crazy girls like sitting in a corner like these crazy girls remember when we used to be like that and also i missed candy um and listen candy i know didn't give the most in the past few years.
And I'm sure I was one of the loudest, like, something needs to change. But, you know, Todd's restaurants, I don't know which one.
I think it's Old Lady Gang. One of the restaurants hasn't been paying their rent.
And it's a whole mess over there. So I just want to know.
I just want an update on, you know, how Candy feels about Todd blowing through all of her cash. So I kind of needed that update.
But, you know, you know, I I've always loved Candy. I think she's actually like an incredible housewife.
But I think it was I think it was a good decision to just kind of really push out a lot of a lot of the people and like get in some some fresh faces here. But still like someone like a porsche a big personality that we know a porsche shamia what was surprising is that shamia who we've had shamia's been around for years right like low-key like a like she's one of the the the best kind of friends of's across all franchises but she sort of doesn't get as much credit as like a merlot or someone else.
But with Shamia, what's so surprising is not only did she get elevated to peach status, she's kind of the center of the show now. Like they really did kind of like all the relationships go through Shamia, which is surprising.
And what I was surprised about is how well she stepped in as kind of the glue in the center of the new Atlanta. So there's like a lot of really surprising elements for me.
And just to think how much footage they must have cut of Shamia, because really all they ever show Shamia is kind of kissing Portia's ass or standing up for Portia. But then we find out this episode that Shamia never shuts the fuck up.
And so they probably have like reels of Shamia footage on the ground that we've just never seen. Yeah, and like, we always, I think we knew that Shamia acts and sings and does all that sort of stuff, but I never realized how much of that person she was until she became the center peach.
And then it's like, oh, oh, you're an actor. You're an actor and a singer, because you're acting and singing all the time now.
Anytime she can have the spotlight, she's like, hello! I was like, whoa, this is Mia. This is crazy.
Yeah, well, it's go time. And she went.
She showed up and she went for it. Okay, so let's start from the very start.
Here we are back again. Atlanta, Atlanta, Atlanta.
Shots of Atlanta. And then, you know, shots of the season.
Portia, you're an awful fucking slimy ass bitch. And basically, they do, Portia's big thing is, I jog now.
And so, Portia's got really long hair and she's kind of bouncing up and like, you know, shots of her sneakers. She's getting ready to run, guys then it's slow-mos and then it's portrait mode and then it's 3D.
And then it's like every shot that they could find in their final cut they used. Well, they also like used a really cool visual plugin, which is that they made flashbacks appear on buildings.
Like that was a nice touch too. Yeah.
Right. Like she's like walking down the street and it's like memories

on like on the side of the building.

Yeah.

So she's like,

honey,

you know I had to circle the block

and I'm back.

So she's saying her life is amazing.

She's been traveling,

living her best life

and Pilar's getting big

and you know,

like life doesn't always have

a fairytale ending.

You know,

and then we see her and Simon,

headlines that her and Simon

I'm going, I'm not sure that relationship had a fairytale beginning either, to be fair. I don't know if it was a fairytale.
Don't you remember when Cinderella went to that ball and saw someone else's husband and was like, mine, and then she got the husband and then she broke the shoe over somebody's head very good i think kenya was dressed as a native american at one part yeah that was that was all tales that was the the same halloween party where fallon was like dressed like was she like a alien or something she had like scales she she had like a crazy a very complete costume. Was she Medusa, right? And she just went running around with like a golf club.
Great fairy tale. So, you know, things you guys might remember from your fairy tales.
Bank fraud, credit card fraud, identity fraud, fake marriages, multiple felonies. Didn't want to be married to a stranger.

And then, this is my favorite headline, Simon seemingly

calls Real Housewives of Atlanta star

Portia Williams a pig with lipstick.

Wow.

First, way to

misuse the saying,

but also that's a funny fucking headline.

So back to Portia, she's like, I filed for divorce and we have financial issues and trust issues. Yeah, go back and read the headlines.
There were some issues. He just wasn't the man that I thought I was marrying.
I mean, Pilar and I, we're still living in a marital home, but like, this is getting really stressful with the divorce and I'm trying to figure out a way forward. Wow, I can't believe Simon wasn't the man that you thought you were, who was the man you thought you were marrying? Because I think we all saw Simon as this.
What were you? What did you see him as? Old man with a lot of money, but she thought it was his, presumably, you know, I guess. So then we see her mom, Diane, and she's like, from the looks of it, you were the perfect couple.
The thing was just not to go to bed angry, you know? And you also co-parented wonderfully. Well, it's hard not to go to bed angrily when the fucking furniture rental place is trying to take the bed out from under you, okay? Who the fuck did I marry, marry, marry? Now, we should have realized that porsha would be coming back to bravo and bringing her whole cohort because bravo is having a big hot dog moment like every show is focusing on hot dogs these days so it's only natural that dennis returns to our screens with hot dog content yeah he's the he's the hot dog pioneer on Bravo.
He's hot dog Dubin.

He's the Harry Dubin of this show,

just going from housewife to housewife for screen time.

So Diane's like, oh my gosh, Portia.

It's when you look at one part of it,

then you start to look at another part of it,

and then you wonder how much of it was real.

Yeah.

I love that they're just so shocked, especially Diane. Just shocked that any of this could have happened to poor Portia.
Girl, I watched that reality show. I watched the Portia show.
I can't believe Diane's acting shocked. Yeah.
I just, I let my guard down because I felt like it was a safe space. And I still love this person.
And I really hate all that.

I let my guard down.

You didn't let your guard down.

You saw a really wealthy guy and you got with him.

So then they're all... Now we see Portia going downtown.

She's in her workout outfit.

And Portia's like,

A lot of people, they say,

Well, this could be karma or whatever.

But for me, I guess with bad karma comes good karma because I always come out okay. I don't know if karma works out that way.
I think sometimes bad karma is just bad karma. I don't think, like, I don't think, I don't know if it evens out.
Like, if you have bad karma, then it's your, I think it's just bad karma that you're stuck with. It's just how you market it.
You know, Portia. And she's rightorsche is doing fine she's still doing fine i mean she came back as the star of this show so yeah well she's still a star yeah i got her her karma got her a storyline for another season so what does she care you know so now we go to shimia and she's with her daughter at their place well first it looks like it's going to center around Portia, right? Because the opening is all Portia and then we see Portia jogging and anyone who's watched this show from the beginning is like, oh my God, guys, Portia jogs now.
The world is at peace. We're getting a new storyline.
But then we get the credits or whatever. And then it turns out that the season is built kind of around Shamia, which you've mentioned.
So we go to her place and it's this huge mansion. And she's like, well, people only know me as Portia's ride or die.
And then we see flashbacks of Shamia sticking up for Portia and then taking pictures of Portia and Phaedra and then doing the splits at a bolo party. Yeah.
But then she says, but I mean, there's way more to me than I can outshine the best than my $9 million house was the second largest sale in Georgia that year. But you know what? I don't even have to get down like that, even though I did just mention that it was the second largest sale.
I hate being defined by my walls, which were did just as a reminder, they did cost $9 million. If you can afford to buy me the cheapest house to kill at the bar, let's do it and drink it in my $9 million house.
You know, I might spit it over there and then buy us the good stuff. That's what I'll do.
You were drinking the cheapest tequila at a bar when you met that man. You know, don't act like you've never had the cheapest tequila at a bar.
She's like, well, I'll go. I'll play with the cheapest tequila eventually.
Then I'll spit it out. So Shamia's family, then we see Shamia.
She's brought the whole family. And that's another thing.
Everybody knew had the whole family on. So I was like, ah, it's a lot.
It's a lot. It's new people, new people.
Everyone's moving in. Everyone's literally moving into Bravo.
So Shamia's like, you know, I haven't had any parties at my home since I bought my home for $9 million at my, you know, I had my birthday party, but this is my first big party. And if it's a party, I'm going to party.
And it doesn't have to be a twerk. I mean, I can twerk.
Um, and then we just see this whole, this whole massive family. And again, this is where we first see Shamia in her teeny tiny chair and the green screen.
It's like, please, please fix this. You have time to do it, production.
Just enlarge the image. Okay, zoom in a little bit.
Zoom out over there. Let's get the proportions right because it's driving me nuts.
They kept changing it and it was crazy looking every single time. But Shamia, I think if she went to any kind of media you know, media training or whatever before this season, just kind of get her ducks in a row.
I think the media trainer just told her, when in doubt, twerk. Just start shaking your ass cheeks.
Clap your ass cheeks whenever you're in doubt. Because every other scene, Shamia is like, clap, clap, clap.
Her ass is just like, I can twerk. So she she's gonna have a party.
We meet her nephew. And she's like, oh, one thing you better know about me is family is the most important thing.
It goes God, and then family, and then $9 million house. It's a very expensive water spout so she's like career wise i like to call myself like the female jamie fox i mean sorry i know i'm a bit too modest to modest to be on Bravo right now, but I'm a quadruple threat.
I'm an actress, a singer, a dancer, an owner of a $9 million house. It's just a lot that I can do.
And it just kind of happened that way because I'm a lover of music. I'm a lover of arts.
I'm a lover of people. I'm a lover of Zillow.
And I'm blessed to be able to do it all. mean i haven't really heard of much of that but that does i guess that doesn't really mean anything i mean i found out who chaparone was like two months ago because she was yelling at a reporter no i'm a huge fan i mean i didn't know it takes me a while to figure things out it's time for a commercial it's time for a crapens commercial have you ever wondered how a circus performer could become the most powerful woman in the Byzantine Empire? Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery that pulls back the curtain on royal families, from ancient empires to modern monarchs, to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty.
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You can listen to Even the Royals early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus. So she has an elevator in her house and she's racing her daughter and her daughter's like i'm gonna beat you i'm gonna go up the stairs and beat you and she's like no you're not and so she takes the elevator and the kid runs up the stairs and you can tell she's a good mom because she's like how do you always beat me because if i was the mom i would have come off that elevator seen that kid and just pushed her down the stairs should have taken the elevator that thing is paid for for a reason you ungrateful little she's like i've just been through it just trying to grow my family i have two girls so she talks about she has one girl who's like shia is five years old shiloh is 15 months and shiloh was was born prematurely via surrogacy and so uh there was like a lot of there was a lot of medical complications and surgeries etc so it's a lot that she's dealing with over there and so then she talks about how her husband they've been together for 10 years his name is jerome he's kenyan and they met at a nightclub and she tells the whole story about like how we tried to buy her a drink and she was like no and then um he's like but well he bought her a drink so he bought her a drink but then he never talked to her again and she was like what the hell you can't just buy me a drink and not talk to me again I just figured something was wrong with them but then I was invited to a cookout and then so I went to the cookout and then the producer goes Shamia could you make it short and short? And she's like, I'm almost done.
Just give me one more second. So then he says, bye me, we have fun.
And she goes on for, I swear to you, 15 minutes. In their time, it must have been like three hours long.
And finally, she gets to the meat of the story, which is she goes to his house. She's like, I don't want to go in because you're going to think that you're going to get some.
And he's like, no, it's okay. We can just relax.
So they're relaxing. And then he hears her stomach gurgle.
And he's like, don't worry about it. The bathroom's right over there.
And she's like, so I went into the bathroom and I exploded all over that bathroom. And I mean, things were just coming out everywhere.
And, you know, I go in there and I'm kind of embarrassed. And that man still called me for another date.
That's what knew and next time i went over there were baby wipes there so ladies sit in his house on the first date that was the lesson to be learned so she keeps going because like this by the way this kind of reboot is it's it's a little bit like a sizzle reel and like for a sizzle reel is essentially like when you're trying to sell a reality show you kind of make it sort of like a pilot but it's a lot of people the cast members talking to the camera telling you who you are it's busy talking to the producers like i am so and so this is my background this is why i should be on your show and then you see some scenes of them together so it's kind of like that vibe because we're like we get like these very long scenes of people talking to us uh but it's okay because they have to do it they have to bring us into this world so shamia's going on and on about um how shiloh is in the nICU and so like this year they're pulling out all the stops and she's gonna have she's inviting all these all her friends some of her new friends like kelly and brit and then also like pors, you know, et cetera, et cetera. So then we see why she's the glue and we see all the pictures of the new people.
And so she starts stringing it all together. So she's known Portia for a decade and she's good friends with Portia because Portia told her she needs to shave her vagina, which there you go there you go.
Yes. That's all you need.
Through Portia, she met Cynthia in Kenya because, you know, 50 Cent is back this season. And then she met Kelly because Kelly came on to Shamiya's radio show.
And we meet Kelly shortly, but one thing I have to say, I'd love that Atlanta, um, cast a, uh, a waffle queen on the show. Like that's like my favorite thing ever.
Like queen of waffles is new cast member. Um, and then, uh, she then, um, so Kelly would cook for her and then, um, she, then she's also Kelly is friends, Brit.
So I guess she met Britt through Kelly, so that's how Britt came into the mix. Yeah.
And she's like, I love those girls, because they let their hair down and their titties out. So, we did that.
We do that. And Drew, they did a film together 10 years ago on TLC and it was a biopic.
A biopic. I don't want to say biopic.

It was a biopsy.

It doesn't sound like it should be biopic.

It's a biopic.

It was myopic.

It was a myopic biopic.

What movie was that?

Did they say what movie that was?

I need to know what it was.

I'm going to look it up.

Crazy Sexy Cool.

The TLC Story. tlc story it's

about it's a 2013 american biographical television film about tlc i thought it was a biopic that aired on tlc john and kate plus eight how it oh I remember. I think I saw that movie.

Was that on Lifetime?

You know what?

It doesn't matter.

We'll move on.

But I really was like,

well, I didn't know that TLC aired biopics.

I was like, I was so confused.

John and 8 plus Kate and Drew Sedora.

Drew Sedora in a Kate Gosselin wig. It's like Drew and Ralph.
Wait, Kate? What are their names again? I just said it. John and Kate Gosling.
John. I made John live in the basement with seven of the children.
John went to Tampa again. That's how she knows Drew.
And Drew is really good friends with the Angela Oakley. And she doesn't really know angela but she knows charles because charles is the charles oakley maker of the sunglasses i presume because i don't understand sports very much so i used to have such a crush on charles oakley in the 90s i swear you know because he was on the knicks and i was a big knicks fan and i'd go to those Knicks games and he would be there and I'd be like, Charles Oakley.
So I'm like very like I'm taken to a place when I see Charles Oakley on this show. Well, he's the resident because no matter how many times you recast a Housewives show, they're always going to have the grumpy asshole husband.
And that's it. He's just the old grump who's like, fix your your hair yeah i actually really love that they included the oakleys not because of any sort of charles oakley thing i bring to it but because angela oakley is like a little older and she's sort of she's kind of giving some light karen huger vibes you know i got that as well like some grand dame but like maybe not as delusional but i'd like that they're like okay let's bring in someone who's like a little more real regal into this mix because I think that as well.
Like some grand dame, but like maybe not as delusional, but I'd like that they're like, okay, let's bring in someone who's like a little more regal into this mix, because I think that always works on these shows. And this is when I got the Karen, when she's acting like, well, I'm Angela Oakley.
Oh God, my wig glue. Oh my God.
What am I going to do about my wig glue? And then she had to, she's like, the wind is blowing off my wig. I can't.
She had to go to the bathroom and you just hear her in there. Oh my God, the wig glue.
What am I going to do about the wig glue? I was like, oh, thank God. One Karen goes, one prison door slams and another door opens.
Yes, exactly. So back to Shamia's house and she's saying like, trying to be friends to multiple people that don't always see

eye to eye that's like the thing like right now in my life so then there's Glenda who's who is someone in the household right now Ariana Grande arrives and her outfit from Wicked and she's like we shouldn't have to worry about that so She's like, somewhere over the rainbow.

Unlimited, this elevator is unlimited. Could they make the elevator a cast in the show? Because Portia's coming out of the elevator.
I have to make a gift of that. I need that in my life.
I need to be able to send that as a response in texts. But we'll get to that.
Right now, she needs the glue. But she's complaining to family she's like you know right now shimmy is the glue everyone let's get back to the glue i know ms oakley could have used you at your party but um she's talking about how she has to keep all that she's like you know hanging out with girls they probably don't all get along it's like this is episode one okay you can't already be having this discussion with your family and they're like shut up you finally got a peach stop your bitching so then we go to drew who's pretending to play with her children like that's a normal thing that she does and it's in their you know front yard that's on the street throwing balls you know and yeah this is very drew yeah it is fun that in this like revamp where there's like emphasis on like luxury and diamonds etc that then they have to go to drew cedora and like they just try they try to make her seem glam like now into the exciting life of drew cedora and she's like kids you want to listen to your ipod she's pressing play on that boom box that nobody would take in her first season.
She slips and falls on a penny saver on her front suit. Listen, you kids better be good or I'm not reading you the vowel pack before you go to bed tonight.
She's like, it's a lot of change. Like I have a lot of quarters and pennies saved up right now.
And then she has her chef who's like, yeah, it's a lot. She, she always has, I don't

know if it's the same lady as before. I think it is because she has this chef that has just like the biggest eyelashes.
Like this, this chef is always like, I'm going to be on camera. I'm going to put all the mascara on right now before I cook this salmon.
So didn't she have problems with paying a chef? Wasn't that one of her things that she wasn't paying that chef? I think she, I think when it comes to payroll

and staff

that may be a problem area for Drew in general,

beyond just even chefs.

Yeah. She likes volunteers.
That girl's like the Red Cross of her neighborhood. She just

takes as many volunteers as she can get. So, she tells us that she's been in five movies in a year.
And I was who's done five movies in a year and so i looked it up and they're tubi movies you know yeah um vicious murder actually what is it no the tubi movies are like do incredibly well actually go well there you go she's done five of them in a year um vicious murder at the pass boxed in the preacher's son women of the jury adopted and then before that she had like a six-year break where she did skinned it's like damn and then white people money a 2020 comment so she's done a lot of stuff and also it says here conclave i didn't realize she was in conclave but good for her that's that was an amazing turn for her she's just imagining just imagining her with ray fiends like i was in the past and then i was in conclave um which what's conclave i don't know i don't get the joke i'm just laughing so i don't look stupid but i don't get it what is an oscar nominated uh prestige film drew sidora I don't know anything that's Oscar don't get it. What is it? An Oscar-nominated prestige film.
Drew Sedora. Why do I know anything that's Oscar-nominated? What planet do I live on? It's Nora.
I'm still mad I don't know what a Nora is. And then I found out it's about a hooker who gets with a Russian billionaire.
And I'm like, that's my movie. That's my type of movie.
It's like my dream. Yeah.
I mean, that's what half these Housewives shows are basically about i mean hello did you not

see porsche's well porsche's not a hooker but it is about people getting with billionaires yeah remember when the plot line everybody was missing each other for being with like trying to get with african billionaires or whatever and now look at where we are all these years later it's like ha ha shouldn't have shamed us we took over the show suckers and by the way I support it 100%

yeah

but anyway i'm looking forward to finally seeing the brutalist which is like three hours long and has an intermission just to see how drew sidora does in that because i feel like she will really play really well off of adrian brady i'm sorry i thought i signed up for a movie called the doodle List. I'm not really sure.
I made a couple of houses with cars out front. Well, we were hoping to cast Laura Dern, but we'll deal with Drusador instead.
By the way, Facebook recommended- We ended up with Laura Darn. Damn it, Drusador is here.
Can I tell you something? Can I i tell you something facebook actually suggested that i be friends with laura during this weekend it's like someone you may know laura dern oh my gosh that's amazing and it said laura dern works at hollywood i was like i don't know if this is a real laura dern you should have friended laura dern what the hell's wrong with i still get i didn't and of all and like you know stupid people like that you got Laura Dern? Damn should have friended Laura Dern. What the hell's wrong with that? I still get Tom Sandoval and stupid people like that.
You got Laura Dern? Damn, your algorithm is sweet. I was afraid that if I added her as a friend, that she would not accept me.
And then I don't know if I am ready to be rejected by Laura Dern. I think I like a world where I have the possibility to be friends with her still, and I don't want that possibility to be shut down just yet.
No, you have to be rejected by Laura Dern. That's how you build calluses, you know? And then you don't care if you're rejected by people.
Well, maybe, okay. I'll go to Facebook.
If it's still suggesting her, I'll add her. Yeah, you gotta add Laura Dern.
Come on, reach for the stars. Facebook knows everything.
I mean, it's someone I might know. It's someone I might know.
You know? So she's talking about the girls. Oh, no, no.
We go to Drew. So Drew's like, there's so much change.
And, you know, it's just so disheartening, this divorce. You know, it's been a year now.
I would have hoped that Ralph and I could have mediated on our own. But, you know, we just couldn't agree on anything.
And then we see a flashback to last year's reunion. Miranda's like, oh, were you faithful to Drew Ralph? And he's like, it would have came out already.
He's like, that is not the question. Now, I wish they would have shown where Drew was like, I've written a solo, a ballad for Ralph.
Can I sing it right in front of Ralph? Have Ralph sit here on the reunion stage. You're going to the basement, you piece of shit.
You've heard me. I love that.
That was one of my favorite all-time Housewives moments. And Drew's like, our divorce is dramatic.
It's a roller coaster. It's a shit show.
And you can tell at this moment, Drew thinks that she's like the center peach of the season. She's like, okay, everyone, I get it.
I'll just have the weight of the season on my shoulders. I can do it.
Don't worry. That's Drew every season.
That's Drew. That's why she's so good at this.
And a lot of people are disappointed that out of everybody that made it back, we're bringing back Drew. This is why.
It's the DeRuzen. Yeah.
Very reluctantly, Drew Sedora is a good housewife because she's so deluded and she's so shady. And that's kind of what we need and want from our housewives.
Yeah. So Kenya comes up, speaking of it, Kenya comes over with Brooklyn and the kids go play dolls and stuff.
And she's like, so a lot has changed. This was actually Ralph's's office and then we see ralph's barber chair is it actually a barber shop now because there's a bunch of people in there she turned it basically into a glam room so ralph's office is a glam spot now and kenya's like well where's ralph and she's like well so basically we had a court order when we went to court and he got moved to the basement.
Ralph is in the basement unseen by the cameras like an ogre, like the troll under the bridge. It's so good.
And then their daughter's like, where's daddy? She goes, go downstairs to the basement. She's like, I'm scared, mommy, go.
So she's like, turn on the lights, see if daddy's down there. I like ralph is in the basement in the dark i'm just imagining he's like to come out to light and his hair is gonna be like big and he's gonna be like like walking on the ceiling or something so we hear his voices and she's like daddy daddy's like baby girl how love? Come on, daddy.
She was throwing raw meat down there. Here's breakfast.
Just throwing a turkey leg down there. Here, eat your breakfast.
Send the tray back up when you're done. So Kenya's like, not banished to the basement.
Are you allowed to go down there? She's like, no, not without permission. He has a whole different entrance.
And every first, third and fifth weekend, he gets fed. And that's when I have to leave.
And I love that she leaves the house and what he gets to walk around the house every other weekend. That's so fucking funny to me.
Ralph's just like, rub my wiener on that. Rub my wiener on that.
Rub my wiener on that. And she goes, well, I was hoping he would take that opportunity to move out and get a life, but fortunately he didn't.
You know, I thought he would do what he loves to do, which is be out in the streets. But no.
He's in the basement, the dark, dark basement. So she tells Kenya that they, they don't communicate.
They have to communicate through like a divorce app thing. And he tries to get shitty on the app, but she's like, well, the judge can read it.
So I hope he has fun with that. That's so Ralph to be like, to go off on a, on an app that is solely read by a judge.
Dummy Ralph. It's so stupid.
So Kenya's like, so what is Drew doing? And she goes, well, I literally did five movies last year. You may have seen Anora.
I was not in that. And then I'm doing my music.
I did audition for Anora, and it's really funny because my response, they said, no.

So I thought I had it.

It was actually an Australian casting person who said, Anora, Anora.

And I'd been doing music.

You may have seen my duet with Beyonce, wherein I stood up next to my TV and sang along with her during that Netflix halftime show. So that was really special for me.
So yeah, doing a lot. She's like, let me tell you this much.
This ain't Texas and this ain't Hold'em. So you may have heard it.
So she goes, oh, and you know, you know, Dennis from Detroit. He's helping me with my music.
And she's like, Dennis, who? She goes, Dennis, Dennis, you know, Dennis, hot dog, Dennis. That's who I'm partnering with on music.
Yeah. We have a new label called Relish.
It's huge. Yeah.
I'm actually, by the way, I'm opening up for Tank in Chicago and Kenya's like, oh my God, Tank, that's like amazing. Yeah.
It's a dunk tank. Actually.
It's not, it's not the musician tank. Um, I'm going to a carnival and I'll be singing songs there.
So I'm really excited. And Kenny's like, um, Dennis, uh, Portia's Dennis.
And she's like, yes. So then we see flashbacks of the hot dog king being like, I'm hot.
Portia being like, I love hot dogs. I'm pregnant.
I've thought about that maybe it's time for me to get into music and I thought, if I'm gonna get into music, I'm gonna need a record producer. And the first one I thought of is like, I want someone who works with hot dogs.
That is how I'm gonna make my success. Like straight to the number one spot.
I wonder if Dr. Derwienerschnitzel's busy.
I need somebody here. Doesn't every music documentary start off like this it's like someone who's singing and it's like and then i met you know ron perlman who was selling hot dogs and he said i got a sound for you and then he like writes a song it's always like this person who sells hot dogs or seat belts or something like that and then they get their initial success and then that one that person winds up being like the grifter you know yeah i was humming a song about a husband in the basement when i was in line for my 10 cent costco hot dog and the guy behind the counter said i think i can work with this so here we are here we are so anyway here here's a sample of this new song that dennis wrote for me let's go out to the movies let's go out to the movies let's go out to the movies

and have ourselves a snack nicole kidman narrated our first date it was big it was it now. So then we see Dennis.
She was on the phone with Dennis. And Drew's like, hey, bro.
What's going on? And he's like, well, we got to put your show together. She's like, yeah.
And he's like, well, we got to do a mini listening session. So I'm thinking a lot of heads.
Of hot dogs?

Yes, a lot of hot dog heads.

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

We're going to have a sofa, and it's going to be yellow,

and we'll put you in kind of like a reddish brown suit,

and you'll lie across the sofa.

But then I'll just look like a hot dog.

Exactly.

We've got some people coming.

We've got Oscar. We've got May she's like sounds great nathan's coming we're gonna do it at a ballpark you know it's all coming so um then we see her just like singing um and it says pors's dennis and a glass reflection just shadily pointing that pointing it out she's singing in hebrew she's like just want to make the heads happy this is going out to an entire nation this is listen this is going out to a higher what what was the slogan? We cook higher god i don't know what it is so um kenya is like wait a minute so how does portia feel about that so drew's like well she was just like girl yeah and i was like just very grateful for dennis and who he has been in my life and showing up as like my angel on earth because literally there were days where I couldn't get out of bed crying.
And he's like, I can't stop you from crying, but I can feed you hot dogs. And I knew I had a session and I would get there.
And he was that saving grace when I was going through all that I was going. It was just all good.
And he's just a standup guy who wants to be there for his daughter. And he's like, look look this music is going to help me pay for my daughter's college and we're all on the same team this is a family just a hot dog vendor producing a record that's it yeah and kenya's like um how come you didn't ever produce anything for porsche because she tried to put out a song a while ago and it didn't go anywhere.
And then we see Portia's music video for 2014, Flatline. That's great.
That Flatline is an appropriate name for a song and a musical career. You know, Portia may not be the best singer, but she's a psychic singer.
So you got to handle that. So Drew's like, well, maybe because he wasn't into music then.
And Kenya's like, but you just said it was his greatest passion. And he's like, well, I don't know how long it's been his passion.
But he told me he did talk to Portia to get her blessing. And she goes, did he get it? She's like, he told me he did.
So I was like, cool. I mean, I'm sure she's, you know, I'm sure she's just not going to speak up.
I mean, Portia's going to be somebody who's going to speak her mind if she's mad. She hasn't said anything to me yet.
So, I'm sure everything's going to be fine. Yeah, what could go wrong? So, now we go to a place called Dirty Tea.
And now it's time to meet Kelly, a new cast member. And so this is basically a long scene where we learn about Kelly.
She has a daughter, her daughter, Chloe's 17th birthday. So Kelly tells us that she is a single mom.
And she's like, single mom life is definitely not for the week. And it's like, you know, it's a tea party birthday.
So everyone has got like hats and everyone's dressed up to the nines, etc.

And there's all these kids around.

And so Chloe, her daughter Chloe is 17.

And she has a kid named Chance, who's 11.

And then she has twin daughters, Chastity and Chelsea.

So everyone has a CH first name, which is funny because Kelly is K.

But that's fine.

Whatever.

CH is the new K, I guess.

Yeah, are you supposed to match it to your own?

Well, I would think so, but maybe not.

It's okay.

Start a new trend.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Yeah, so she's got a lot of...

When she's mad, like when your mom gets mad,

she's so mad that all the kids can't even get it together.

She's just like, get down here. she's so mad she had all the kids you can't even get it together she's just like get down here it's like a car starting or like um jason bohees yeah so it is uh i can't do it juice the doors trying to try to sing along to it.
Oh, yeah. If that is in the basement.
So this is a birthday party for her 17-year-old, and she gives her 17 purses. And the kid wanted a pink Birkin, but the mom's like, whatever, you're not getting a pink Birkin for me, but I will give you 17 purses because it's your 17th birthday.

Couldn't you just buy a Birkin for that?

I mean, those were nice purses.

Those weren't cheap purses.

I know.

This is Kelly proving why she should be on the show.

She's like, I'm wealthy, guys.

Trust me.

Yeah, waffles.

Waffles make you wealthy.

I'm super wealthy, guys.

Put me on Bravo.

So she's trying.

I've got waffle wealth. She's like, look inside your purse your purse honey there's your real present it's a waffle i am creating generational waffle wealth so um so she's getting divorced and everything and and um brit britney is there someone this is her friend britney this is not brit who's the new cast member but britney is asking she feels about getting divorced.
And she's saying it's been like a long two and a half years of her life. And she just wants to cut that out and take her name back.
And she says her, her ex Mark, uh, is a father of her three daughters. And it's been hard.
They were married for 11 years and she got married. She had children and she created business um and so she's saying like how do we turn from that into complete enemies so we get her resume she's from baltimore she's been here since 2003 and she started a restaurant in 2016 called nana's chickens and waffles or chicken and waffles not chickens they're actual chickens eating waffles nana's

chicken and waffles and um she she's like i named the restaurant after my grandmother which is you know tricky because everyone's going to trust a place called nana's no one's going to trust a place called like grandma uh granddaughters chicken and waffles i don't want to eat second cousins experienced person's chicken and waffles yeah I don't want to eat that. I want to eat the experienced person's chicken and waffles.
Yeah, exactly. Stepsisters, chicken and waffles.
So she's like, yeah, it's like my second child. It's just this little restaurant, but it turned into a huge deal.
So now I have 24-karat gold maple syrup. And that was featured in Forbes.
And a line of waffle mix. Waffle mix.
A cookbook. And she's very excited about a mimosa mix.
What the f- Mimosa is two things. It's champagne and orange juice.
What are you putting tang into a champagne? I was like, mimosa mix, is that just orange juice? I was like, what? She's like, like yeah you can pretty much put that shit in everything yeah because that's orange juice so she's like when somebody is constantly tearing you down trying to take and be me and spiteful when we went to court that last time you know what he told me he said pancakes are better than waffles I front of my daughter. It was terrible.
Anyway, he threatened me, and my daughters don't deserve that. They come from a loving waffle-forward home.
Yeah, and then she's spending time with her kids. They're real cute.
Her kids are really cute. And then we see the montage of her 17 presents gift-giving thing.
And then she's like, yeah, well, this is nothing new for my kids.

You know, they're used to this kind of thing.

So I'm going to have to do it for every kid when they turn 17.

So purse economy, here I come.

Yeah.

So now we go to Portia.

And, you know, it's not a Real Housewives of Atlanta season

without someone going to visit that lawyer, Randy. So here she is.
She is arriving. This is the elevator.
Oh, my God. This elevator was so hilarious.
So she's trying to get out of the elevator and it starts closing and then it closes on her butt, but it won't reopen. And she's just like eating her butt.
She's like, hey, hey, hey. She's like, yeah, it's definitely crazy having to call Randy again.
That's insane. I got to file for divorce.
Is it crazy? I mean, I swear this guy has been on every single season. I'm surprised he's not holding a peach at this point.
Yeah. And then Randy, of course, is like, oh my God, Portia, it is so good to have you back in my life again.
You don't want to hear that from a divorce. You know what I mean? He's like, thank God I can finally pay off my kid's college.
God, your divorces are lengthy. This is going to be fun.
He's like, yeah, you really walked away from a lot. And then we see Portia's greatest hits.
We see her after Cordell, and she's like, Cordell packed up my stuff. And I'm like, some random karma has a name.
And that name is Bitch. And I'm going to get him.
I'm going to fight him in that big bubble butt. And she says that she was smart to do it.
She did a prenup this time. Because she had to be more responsible.
And she says that in her relationship with Simon, she felt like that if she had him by her side, that they were going to conquer everything. But then she started to realize that there were just a lot of untruths going on.
Yeah. And just the way that Portia's putting it all out, like, I just had no idea what was happening in the headlines.

They're putting headlines now

in these weird little chyron things at the bottom,

and they just like flick up for two seconds.

But they're all like fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud, fraud,

nothing but fraud, nothing but lies,

nothing but fraud, all the headlines that come up.

So she's like, with Simon at my side,

I thought I could conquer anything,

but I can't get out of the elevator right.

Make him go! Make him go!

So Randy's excited, but one of the big points of contention is that she claims this is her, you know,

since it's the marital home and they have 50-50 split over the home, she should be able to shoot in it.

And he's trying to not allow her to shoot in the home.

And that's kind of her money.

Yeah. Yeah, and you don't mess with that at all so randy's like well the court uh gave you the right to live in the house and so we're gonna try to do an extra document this is the court is telling everyone wants to do film that we have the full right to do that i just want to say a shout out to my daughter hi hi honey i'm back on tv so then um basically they're gonna do some lawyerly stuff and porsche tells us that simon sent a cease and desist etc and the home and and she's like not going to like she can't have she needs to film in the home like that is cutting off her lifeblood so she is gonna fight she's like you know i mean it's not like i was just sitting there like some dumb little wife and just enjoying some money no i actually asked my husband what's going on why are we in the secondary line at the airport any judge is going to be like yep she knew give this woman whatever she wants she didn't get to go through the clear line for christ's sake so she's like but just all this information that i'd asked him out he lied about and came out about him being like him not having a real green card him not him not having more than gold status on american airlines i mean he should be executive platinum by now i mean the only way for you to really protect yourself at the end of the day is if you have a prenup to enforce it so you only have to enforce it by doing a divorce yeah um so and also the green card thing that he was he's been trying to get citizenship and stuff but couldn't he get it from being married to her i guess i need to update myself on all of this drama because i don't remember at all uh so then we see the headlines court documents show simon is fighting for u.s citizenship but his crime middle past keeps getting denied.
Well, that answered my question. Simon's company ordered to pay nearly $900,000, an unpaid private jet bill.
Wow. It's not good.
And so Portia's like, saying that in their relationship, you know, she used to pride herself on having great communication, and when the communication started to lack, it felt intentional. Yeah, and Portia's like, we had an argument on Valentine's Day.
But I'm old school. How are you old school? You're on your third marriage.
You married a hot dog, Maven, the last time. And this one is clearly there was something wrong with this guy.
So you're not. Portia's like, you know you know me traditionalist now i know it looks like too many people like oh she posted this perfect life but i look back and i could think to myself i definitely posted this knowing that we were not okay and uh we see we see her posting all these things like everything beat this all great and so um basically randy's like saying well there's been some bad stuff that's been out there and you know you always take the high road not just because it's good life advice but it's also good court advice and she says that she reached out to him um just to see if they could find some sort of peace um and she's like she starts to get emotional and she's just saying how it's just really hard but she's given up on that part so she has to become the person that he's saying you know basically she has to kind of become steely and cold and icy uh just like he's accusing her of being just that way she can have you know her day in court yeah so then we go to dinner and drinks at knife and we're with shamia brit and kelly and so now we meet brit so This is now when the show properly begins in my book.
It's like, okay, we've met most everyone, not Britt, but now we're starting to get into group scenes. Yeah, now we get some girl time with some girls.
Girls, we're girls. So we get some time with the girls.
And Britt introduces herself. And she's like, my husband's all about making sure I'm that girl.
I had one ring that was seven and a half carats and now i have a 10 carat solitaire hold on let me clean it throws it at the camera so now here's uh brit's exotic story she's like she's like me and kelly met through a mutual friend me being an insurance agent i'm always gonna I'm going to all of like the flyest sexiest events in the city I was like oh yes I'm sure that's why most people get into insurance because that naturally comes with working in insurance going to the flyest the glamorous life of insurance agents you know I mean look at Vicki Gunvalson going to fly sexy events all the time in Orange County it's not state farm it's state farmhouse modern in the hills darling so at one of these events that she got to go to naturally by being an insurance agent um she met kelly and um and she's like well one of my friends was like i think you're gonna really like kelly and she's like really over the top. And like the second we met, like I already knew it was going to be like, it was going to be a vibe, like dancing, you know? And then like I started drinking and like, I got to make sure my titties stay in because it gets wild, you know? And I saw her titties popping out also, like my titties were popping out and her titties were popping out.
And I was like, oh my God, insurance and waffles makes a great combination. That's how I knew we were going to be friends.
Both of our titties were popping out and her titties were popping out and i was like oh my god insurance and waffles makes a great combination that's how i knew we were going to be friends both of our titties were popping out so here we are still hanging up we can put a premium on that waffle okay let's get this business together uh so they order some drinks and kelly's like oh my god can i just tell you something? I'm just so proud of you, you know? I mean, you're really

kicking motherhood's ass right now.

I mean, wow, what a journey.

Wow, everything. And

oh no, she's talking to Shamia.

And so Shamia's like, oh yeah,

things are going great. $9 million house,

$9 million.

Kelly's like, cheers to love, peace, happiness, and maple syrup. Cheers.
Yeah. So Shamia tells them that she's going to have a birthday party.
She's like, they're like, well, who's going to come? She goes, well, my best friend, Portia. Portia's going through divorce.
It's so public. And Kelly's like, oh, poor baby.
Oh, I feel so bad for her. You know, yeah,

she's going to come out on top. Yeah, of course.
And then Kelly's

like, she probably should have never took that girl's

man, though.

It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, because that man was taken a little bit.

She's like, no, no, no. Let's be

clear. Simon and his ex, they were

very public with their separation.

And then we see the headline.

Phelan announces she and husband Simon

are splitting up after two years of marriage.

And then another headline.orsha williams engaged to simon love wins the cast member shared the news that she's in a relationship five minutes later yeah i my my memory of it and i could be completely wrong my memory of it was that there was that Atlanta reunion. And the very next day, as soon as the third part of that reunion ended, the news dropped.
Portia was like, surprise, I'm engaged. And I hadn't even heard that Simon and Fallon had divorced.
But maybe it's because it's just like, who cared? And it didn't land on the radar. And I seem to remember everyone was like, what the hell? came out later like oh actually fallon and and and simon had you know separated like a month prior or whatever it obviously was like very very close but in my mind yeah in my mind i had actually heard about them getting together before i'd heard about a divorce yeah yeah and then remember there was that whole thing where simon's like no because phelan was cheating with the pool.
And then she like ran off with the pool boy or something. So that was Portia's thing.
Like she was cheating with the pool boy. So he wasn't taken anyway.
Yeah. That was so Kelly's like, it was just, it was a little bit of a gray area, you know? And she was like, no, there was no crossover.
Yeah. But from like outside looking in, all I'm saying is to come to somebody's home, to be greeted by their husband, to eat their waffles, and then suddenly this happens, and then you wind up marrying that person.
Absolutely, that shit does look crazy. Yeah, and Kelly, she's just like, whatever, we've seen it on the blogs, you know, they're messy.
And Shamia's like, wow, you know, you just can't be blaming people, you know? I just want you to get to know Portia for yourself. And Shamia says, I wow, you just can't be blaming people.

I just want you to get to know Portia for yourself.

And Shamia says, I know Portia reached out to both of them, Simon and his ex-wife, and was like, hey, guys, I'm here for you.

And they're like, yeah, but she's reaching out to a friend's husband.

Who does that?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And Kelly's like, yeah, I just think it's a fine line.

And so Shamia's like, well, who says across the line? You were Romans. So Shamia's like, you know, Porish and I have been friends since we were children and I love her and I feel obligated to have her back, which means that their friendship is going to disintegrate this season because this is how, this is the nature of these shows is that you start on the premiere saying like, we are, our friendship is so strong and so great.
But as we'll see later in the episode, Portia shows up late to the birthday party and interrupts Shamia's big moment. So I guarantee this is a friendship that's going to fall apart over the course of the season.
I know. It's so sad.
But also, haha. Hello there.
This is a two-part recap, okay. This is the end of part one.
So thank you so much for listening to this. Uh, just come back a little later for part two.
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Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B. Rigging the funk, it's Leslie Plunkett.
She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay D. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino.
Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. We love her on the rocks, it's Melissa Cox.
Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the Berg.
This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian. I love-a-ya, Olivia Williamson.
Tastier than Flanderson, it's Rachel Manderson. She sure is swell.
It's Raquel. Yes, we canna.
It's Savannah. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman.
Let's share with Sharon Eldridge. The Bay Area Betches, Betches.

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She's VVIP, it's Amanda V.

Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.

Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD.

She's got a leg up, it's Bethany.

We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva.

Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neill.