#2744 Summer House S09E03: UnDiplo-matic Relations

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Oh, well, you must be the crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all the crap we love to talk about.
Unyield bruvs. I'm Ronnie.
Over there is the handsome and talented Mr. Ben Mandelker.
Hello, Ben. Hi, how are you? Good.
Everybody, welcome to the show today. It's Summer House Day.
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So how'd you feel? How are you feeling today, Ben? I'm feeling great. It's Thursday, which means that when we're done with this podcast, I'm going to go get a bagel and I'm like really, really, really excited about it.
And I'm going to try a new bagel place. So I'm excited about that.
And you know, Summer House, I mean, you know, like here we are. Summer House is so, you know, I love this show.
I will always love this show. These, this, this girl, Lexi, she is trying me and I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing because I am rolling my eyes so hard with this girl.
And then at the same time, I think, but isn't that what we tune in for? Don't we come to these shows to have idiots make us just cringe and scowl? So I don't know. I think I'm landing on I'm feeling great.
How about you? Well, as far as Lexi goes, you know, she's kind of a ding dong, but I love a ding dong. And I've had this girl as my friend multiple times in my life.
And we'll always have this kind of archetype of a girl as my friend. I just think they're so fun.
Just someone who's like, I'm just going to jump in no matter what. Who cares if it hurts me? You know, now they're the ones I pick up from jail usually at some point in their lives because they've gone crazy and put a brick through someone's windshield but i mean she's a dodo bird i like her the the guys that are making me crazy are the two guys for me it's wes and jesse jesse especially is just because we already knew wes was such a douchebag And we got little hints of douchebag from Jesse.

But Jesse's just so grody to me.

He's just the worst.

And he's the worst qualities in a man.

Charm your pants off, literally.

And then be like, but wait, I think we're moving a little fast.

Get your dick out of me, then.

How about that?

How about get your dick?

I don't understand when it became so crazy to expect that if you're fucking someone, they're not fucking half the town. And I'm saying that as a gay person.
Our natural state, a lot of us, is fucking half the town. But if you're hooking up with someone, I don't think it's so crazy to be like, I don't want to be hooking up with you plus all of the other Petri dishes that you've been sticking your penis in, know, I don't think that that's equal to asking for marriage.
So that's where I am. I'm starting with some male rage.
Yeah, I think we said last season that Jesse really was benefiting from the fact that all of his hookups happened with people who were outside the house and sort of like after hours. And we predicted that, you know, as soon as he starts going after someone that's in the house, he's going to have his douchebag season.
And I think he's on his way. He's laying the foundation.
He's doing the good boys thing. He's being cute and sweet and flirty.
But we definitely can see that the bottom's going to fall out of this situation very soon. Yeah.
So we start with this 4th of July party, and Bailey is blowing up a balloon with confetti inside of it and then accidentally breathe some of it in. I mean, who does that? Who breathes back in balloon hair? You shouldn't do that when there's not confetti in there.
Stop breathing in balloon hair. And then she's like, oh my God, I wasn't ready for that.
And I was like, well, you would be if you'd ever hooked up with a guy in this house, because you know, that's how they are. You know, they don don't even have any kind of warning you're lucky you left confetti splooge um they uh yeah this maybe explains why we don't see her really anymore for the rest of the season we predict because maybe she inhaled too much confetti and bravo's like just a liability legal liability just scrap her scrap her she got confetti lung and had to like be yeah it's the second leading cause of death in Appalachia.
So then we go to Wes in his room, and he's hanging out with Jesse. Well, he's knocking on the bathroom door, and Jesse's like, I'm pooping.
And he's like, oh, really? He's like, well, we talked. He's like, no way, dude.
Whatever. There's just pooping.
He's just pooping in the room. And Wes wants a gold medal for going into someone's room and going are you mad at me he's like good job bro he's like well she wasn't that mean i mean i think because we're like cool well i mean not really cool but she didn't abuse me again i'm just a porn porn little guy put a shirt on sir okay put a shirt yeah i actually feel sorry for wes because the the internet's been so mean about his nipples my god are we nipple shaming what the hell i didn't even notice his nipples do you are um i didn't until someone sent us a hideous vote like drawing of like an exaggerated yeah that's i didn't need to see that i didn't need to see that um it was just like big cartoon nipples and the it was stuff coming it was it was too much it was too visceral too visceral a lot of those drawings are really intense for me i'm not gonna lie i i'm just like when i see them i'm like they sort of it's they remind me of what was that puppet show from the 80s um it was like i don't know puppets always scared me yeah this is like the drawing form of it it's like too much for me you know that puppet that puppet from like mr rogers neighborhood or whatever where it's like the wooden i guess they've got wooden faces like yeah they're like wooden yeah like the old oh they're just like show more emotion puppet show more emotion don't be so wooden yeah um well there was that puppet show from the 80s i was like political and they always had like a puppet of like ronald reagan and like margaret thatcher and stuff and they did like that the music video you know what i'm going down i'm going down a hole here and i'm gonna i'm gonna pull myself out of it the point is wes's nipples nipples, they're a lot, especially in drawn form.

I'm actually kind of thankful because, you know, I've got a lot of body issues and stuff like that,

and I don't need to go into that. But I will say on a positive note, I've never been prouder of my

nipples. I've got just little tiny baby hard nipples.
They're not like crazy big ones. I feel

like if anybody was going to draw me in a horrific way, it would be a lot of other things, but my

nipples would be safe. So I felt good.
It was like a really good episode for nipple positivity for me. Were people, I honestly really did not pay attention to his nipples.
Were people saying that like they were big, like or the long, were they like the areolas big? Was it like. Yeah, they're just nipple shaming.
I'm like, I mean, I don't know. I don't need to get into all the details.
They all said different things. Like hamster? Hamster-esque.
Like hamster mom nipples. I can see that.
I don't know, but it was disturbing because I'd never thought to be insecure about my nipples. I mean, with everything else I've got going on, I just never even thought about that.
So I had a long, hard look at my nipples in the mirror, and I was like, not so bad. I've got nipple pride.
So that was good. Good for you.
Thanks. Good for you.
been a good well sierra then goes and tells amanda that she had a conversation with west and um she's like do you feel better than yesterday do you feel good to get it off your chest and she's like yeah i just feel like i can't fucking wait to meet the person i'm supposed to be with so i can literally go and hide away on a farm and amanda's like, wow, maybe you've already met him at some point in your life. So I was like, okay, whatever.
But then fast forward to later in the episode, there's like a moment with Sierra and Carl and Carl's like, I just got a compliment from Sierra. I'm like, please don't sow the seeds that Carl has been like Sierra's Mr.
Right all this time. I am just not going to co-sign this.
I'm going to nip this in the bud. I am not shipping Sierra and Carl.
Yeah, they better not be. I mean, I would hope that Sierra's smarter than that, but I have watched her with Austin, Wes, and who's the other one? Luke, I guess.
Well, I don't know. Do we even count Luke luke was pre-show that was either way we've seen her she she does gravitate towards boys and carl despite his like oh just like awkward now he is still a boy through and through and it is very yeah it's just harder for him to you know get it up i would of course it's harder for me to get hard because i really pay attention to things that are soft my branding is all soft now so i love making a little bit different i'm not allowed to get hard i don't want to go off brand so sierra's like yeah i just need to talk to my psychic no no more psychics on this show.
Last time you had a psychic, they said that Lindsay fucked Luke. Remember? That was that page.
It's like, oh my god, let's tell Hannah. Let's tell everybody about the psychic.
How about instead of consulting your psychic, why don't you consult your factict? And let's look at your facts, which is don't find love on this show, and you'll be much better off. There you go.
That's the facts. Yeah, get some taste.
How about that? So then we go to Carl and Jesse hanging tinsel, and Paige is like, oh my god, you can't even figure out how to wrap it around the pole? Oh my god, stupid men. And Jesse's like, we know how to work a pole disorder, though.
So then they're setting up more things. I'm so mad at his teeth why is it his teeth it's like every time i see them i'm like put your fucking teeth away he's just so tooth forward he's like oh yeah and that works intense all right put your fucking teeth away it's like a bunch of medieval knights going to battle with those shields so am Amanda is giving West direction on how to hang something else.
And she can't quite get it right. And Paige is like, oh, I love men and their little pea brains.
Guys, I think whoever loses, we do the dunk tank tomorrow morning. Like, yeah.
And so that's what they're going to do. And so then.
Carl doesn't really have a lot going on. So basically're using carl to do like the captain obvious posts you know where the people who just kind of describe what's going on in the house so he's like what we're doing is we're like having a contest about whether the girls can make better decorations or the guys soft glad carl's back i'll know what's going on for the everyone's getting ready, and now everyone's arriving, and Lexi does a shot, and she's like, oh my god, my nipples just went so hard.
And then people are partying, and there's just like a lot of, it's like a lot of chaos. It's like a standard summer house scene where there's like, and everyone's like dancing crazy and Carl's wearing a wiener costume because he's just kind of like wild and crazy now.
He's liberated because Lindsay isn't there. And it's boys versus girls.
So the boys want to win this party by dressing like hot dogs and ketchup and mustard. Okay? Because the boys are led by Kyle and Kyle's like, you know what people want? Costumes.
That's what they want. People want to see Amazon costumes in real life.
And then the girls actually rented stuff, because Paige is more about just getting caterers to do shit. So she's like, we have a snow cone machine, beer pong, and no man nipples.
Yeah. So then Lexi and Bailey go down a water slide or something like that, or Bailey does.
And Amanda's like, oh, to be young again. I remember when I was in my twenties last year.
And then Paige is like, it was really hard. Kyle kept cheating on me.
It's like, you didn't get to be a child. You had too much Kyle trauma.
Yeah, she really did not. So then Paige tells us, like, this is like the first summer that I feel old.

Like, they feel so young and nice and like full of life. Yeah, she really did not.
So then Paige tells us, this is the first summer that I feel old.

They feel so young and nice and full of life.

And I'm like, are you even registered to vote?

I have acid reflux.

They don't even know what that is.

You know, I've always considered Paige old, which is weird.

And I don't mean she looks old or anything.

I mean, she's a very pretty young lady or whatever.

And she came on here super young. But I've just always thought of Paige as like a bitchy mom in the country club, like that my mom used to hang out with back in the day.
And, you know, it's not the fanciest country club. It's like I'm from the El Paso country club, you know.
But I just, those ladies drinking Franzia in the backyard, just one of them gets up and you talk about how fat their kid's gotten, you know, one of those. So I've always looked at her as just kind of an old country club lady.
So it's interesting that she ever really identifies as young. Yeah.
I feel like she's me. Like I hit 40 years old when I turned 12 and I stayed 40 years old for a really long time.
Excuse me. What are your pronouns? Are they, uh, she, her they, them? Young, younger.
Thank you. My pronouns are sir, ma'am.
So now Jesse's in the kitchen with some random friends and a girl's like, who's that girl with the thong and the shorts? And it's Lexi. They're talking about Lexi.
And the girl's like, do you like her? And Jesse's like, I do like her. And they do like her and they're like oh my god Jesse oh my god Jesse you found a child to to follow around congratulations okay so then we meet the real cast Lexi's fucking family girl I know I was so glad that we finally had a drag race crossover moment this now this is a Texas fam this is a family I've oh my god that's This is a Texas family.
This is a family. Oh my God.
That's just, this is a thirsty family. This is a family built on thirst.
I'm like, why, why is Lexi's sister coming in? Like she's auditioning to be on RuPaul. I mean, she, her face was like, it was beyond beat.
I mean that what is happening over here? I think that's why I got Texas from this this family because it's just like blonde makeup you know lips out to here and that girl was definitely thinking this is my first episode on my new show you know and from what i hear lexi is somewhat of an influencer and her she just works with her mom and her sister so they're like a thing they're like a package. And so I'm excited to see what they bring because I can guarantee you

it's going to be very thirsty.

I can't even imagine life without my sister

and like with my mom too.

My mom's like my best, best, best friend.

And like growing up,

I think a lot of people thought that

because I was like a model.

I, you know, they thought,

I thought I was better than them.

So kids like weren't always nice to me.

So I think that's why I'm like so close to my family because they allow me to be myself it's just like so hard when you're pretty because when you're really pretty and like a model people are so mean to you i'm like okay trevor project okay it gets betteri. Go for it.

God.

So, Jesse is called over.

She's like, Jesse, get your American ass over here.

Because we're from Canada.

So, he comes over and meets the family.

And Tiffany's like, hi, nice to meet you.

I'm Tiffany.

We know Tiffany.

Girl, I knew your name before you even walked in the door. I could sense you were a Tiffany.
No offense to all the Tiffany's out there. She's doing like Aida Totoro drag.
It's wild. And so Tiffany's like, nice to meet you.
And Jessie's like, hey, Tiffany, great to meet you. Your sister likes me.
Yeah, he likes me. And Jessie's like, I mean, what's not to like? And Lexi's like, wait, for who? For you? Like, wouldn't you look at her? Look at her.
Have you ever seen such a juicy booty? And we cut around to the guest partying, and Carl's like, hey, everybody, who voted for me? High fives for soft. It was too hard of a high five.
Try it again. Try it again.
Try it again. I'm going to have to talk about this in the kitchen later.
That was traumatizing. Anyone looking to grab a hot dog? And if you are, do you mind grabbing that hot dog a little tighter? Tighter.
Tighter. Put your weight on this hot dog.
So Sierra sees Carl, and she's like, oh, my God, Carl, like keep wearing your hair like that because like new gel agree you know new gel grease or whatever you put in it like i don't know like i like that texture it's like you have good hair texture he's like oh my god sierra like just gave me a compliment like i haven't been friends with her because like it was so hard because i couldn't be friends with any of the girls because I was dating a terrorist. But, like, now that I'm, like, allowed to be kind to women again, it's, like, amazing that they're, like, nice to me.
Shut up, Carl. Yeah, sure.
Carl, you're not friends with people because you've been awful to people for years. Don't think that you forgot.
Yeah. Oh, I can be nice.
I can be nice to see her. It'sr it's like amazing i got a compliment it really means so much everybody knows like i'm a little awkward and like i kind of am like getting my feet back under me so for like cr to like give me a little boost it feels good like which is mostly it like feels good what do you mean you're getting your feet back under you how long do you need your feet back under you what did you ever have them under you in the first don't know.
You can get, have them have your feet back under if they weren't there in the first place. He needs to relax.
Okay. This is too much.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the like kid gloves around Carl thing.
You know, I applaud him for sobering up and getting his life together. But like at a certain point you have to, you know, go out into the world.
The baby fawn thing is no longer working poor carl if he wasn't with lindsey he would have had been friends with everybody so then carl's announcing everybody you're right you gotta fool between boys and girls boys we got like some cool stuff you know we got costumes and we got a hot dj hot dj all right frank sinatra makes coming up next 45 year old dj over here and luxie's like um the girls have boobs in a bar so so then everyone amanda kicks everyone out like this is amanda's role i think the only reason why amanda attends parties is solely so she can get the microphone and tell everyone to go home you know she's like because she's not she doesn't enjoy these parties but she loves saying you don't have to go home but you can't stay here like that is what she dreams of she likes cosplaying as the person she wishes was at every bar that kyle was at until four in the morning you know yeah this is that's a matter of she's like kyle come to bed i'm wearing my security shirt and then um uh everyone votes and um okay and guess what the girls win of course they win because it's a girls so the, boys drool. And on top of that, the guys put on a stupid party with hot dog costumes.
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So now we go to Jessie's

room and

she's taking off her shorts

and Jessie's like, can I get a picture of that?

Juicy booty.

And then Carl's

ordered pizza and wings for everybody

and Paige is

in bed, of course, with Amanda and Sierra. And she's like, oh my God, what are they doing down there? Is everybody making out and falling in love? And then we cut to them.
And yeah, it's pretty much that. It's a bunch of old creepy fucking guys with all the youngest girls in the house.
Like, oh, wow. Jesse and Lexi are like curled up on the sofa together and Jesse's like I'm not good at planning trips but I like going on them really I want to go on like safari like in Africa like I want to learn about like wait I don't even want to know what you want to learn about because I think the big problem is I just haven't had a girlfriend to go on safari with.

And then she kisses him.

I'm like, I can't.

She's like.

I am kind of mad

because I wanted to know the rest of her sentence.

Like, I want to go on a safari in Africa

because I want to learn about, I don't know,

where do dogs come from? Where do cats come from? Why are they always fighting? Am I right? I want to go on a safari in Africa because I want to find out like what bookmarks are like in their wild and natural habitat. It's like I've been to my search history but I've never been to me.
You can just have so many tabs open when you go on Safari in Africa. So then, page and Amanda.
I will learn how come if I talk about a product, then suddenly I'm getting ads for it all over my Facebook. Do they have Firefoxes on Safari? So Amanda's like, now they're like looking at her, at Lexi's social media.
Now they're doing the background check and Amanda's like, she's like the hottest girl that Jesse's been with. And Paige is like, you think she dated Brooklyn Beckham and Kaia Kerber's brother? And they're like, Paige goes, good for her.
Yeah. So that's why she's dating Jesse, I guess, like the storyline, which of course is why he's doing it too.
You know, I don't know how you ever trust love when you find it on TV. I don't know how you do, but they're doing it.
And I think the girl's subtext there is like, wow, she's slumming it. Like here she is now with jesse like what happened to the beckham what happened to the gerber come on man yeah yeah now you just have jesse you have a solomon so um now they're all gonna go say they're all saying good night carl hugs Bailey.
I love a Bailey hug.

It's amazing that I could hug Bailey because Lindsay's not in the air.

Fine. New Lee's on live.

So Lexi is back to

sorry, what'd you say?

I could finally get back on my feet. Thanks.

Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt you.
I hope I didn't

knock you off your feet.

Normally I have to crawl to the

front door to get the pizza up, but today I could walk on my feet. So thank you, Bailey.
Thank you for everything I gave me. I ordered some extra pepperoni on the pizza tonight because I'm just like finally getting back on my feet.
Now that Lindsay's not here, I can order extra toppings. So thanks, Bailey.
Thanks for helping me get back on my feet. I hope nobody was expecting crispy crust because I ordered it soft.
Does anyone want garlic knots? I used to never be able to eat them because they remind me of the knots I had in my stomach when I dealt with Lindsay. But now I'm finally getting back on my feet.
So then in Lexi and Jessie's room, wherever they are, she's like, you can stay. And she tells us, obviously, we're hitting it off really fast.
but my fear is not getting my heart broken. My biggest fear is not living life to the fullest.
You know what I mean? I'd rather dive in head first and be like, ouch, that hurt. And then it would be better than wondering, maybe what could have happened if I just gave him a chance.
You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, like yeah you're young okay soon you get what we call emotional scars okay and they teach you that when you touch a stove or in this example a flaming penis there can be repercussions you know what i mean so just be careful about the stoves you're putting your hands on young lady don't make me come over there with my van yeah i don't want i i think i think lexi would you should dive into love as soon as you find it because you have not found it yet so far this season i'm just gonna tell you that right now you're diving into a cement swimming pool with no water in it it's a pool that sings songs it's terrible get out god still thinks they, God. And still thinks they're good.
To this day, it's like, what would Jesse Solomon do? Shut up. I wish he'd shut up.
Oh, stop it. Okay.
So Jesse and Lexi are in bed. It's time for important conversations.
Mm. The foundation of all love.
I feel like my butt used to be like bigger. He's like, I wouldn't know.
Like I was literally looking at it. Like it was like maybe it's because it's like been doing so many steps.
Like it kind of disappeared, but like it was kind of like what the fuck is going on? I'm literally looking at it. Oh, it's plenty juicy.
Don't worry about it. Plenty juicy.
So it's the next morning. Carl wakes up and immediately spills water.
He's like, oh, God, Lindsay must be on her way back. It's all the, oh, oh.
My knees are shaking. My knees are, oh, going back to the ground.
Where are my feet? Where are my feet? Finally getting back on my feet on my feet and now those feet are stepping in a puddle. So Lexi and Jake wake up, or Jesse, Lexi and Jesse wake up together.
Lex. Lessie.
What would their nickname be? Their couple name? Lexi? It's probably going to be Jexy. Jexy, yeah.
Which is very like Brexit.

But I like Lessee because...

Jexit.

Jexit is what I would love.

I'm ready for Jexit.

Alright, the episode title

when they break up has to be Jexit.

Yeah, it will be.

So she's like, I'm happy you're here.

And he's like, oh, you mean like in your bedroom?

And she's like, no.

In the house and this bed. I've literally been looking at my butt.
So then Sierra is like, are the guys going to do the dunk tank? I feel like there needs to be some sort of edge to it. And Amanda says that they should dump the hot dog juice in the water and Paige goes, that's diabolical.

Okay.

That would have been like kerosene.

I mean, come on. There's something more diabolical than hot dog

water. Knives, razor blades.

Sierra,

so they come up with their grand

idea. So now they're going to get the hot dog

cart water and the hot

dogs. They're pouring it into the tank tank for the guys so the guys see that that they're doing it and uh carl's like oh the girls are pouring the hot dog water in the dunk tank oh hard hard that is brand hard oh my god oh i need hall so then uh carl then um uh the girls are just like, Oh my God, I feel better about this and everything.
And everyone's grossed out, et cetera. And West is like, well, even though it's a smidge awkward, it feels like it's way less heavy with Sierra right now.
So I'm going to find windows to be normal and I'm not going to try hard, but I'm not going to be here. I'm not here to be like best friends and be annoying.
But like if two ex and gay lovers can be in the house together, then Ciara and I could be in the house together too, you know? I'm like, oh shut up, just get in the dunk tank. Uh, yeah, still doing his thing.
Uh huh, she's just so mean to me, surely we can work it out. Biting my lip.
Well I wanted to invite everybody, I'm throwing a party, okay? I'm DJing. I'm DJing you guys.

Well, you didn't tell me about it, Kyle.

All right, everybody.

You can't stay here, but you have to go home.

Come on, man.

This is in the morning.

Still, though.

Oh, so I want to invite this other guy to the house

who's going to maybe come out here this summer.

His name is Emeril.

What's his name?

Emeril.

How tall is he? Does he have his uh back under him oh i need more information are you jealous that there's another man coming to the house oh my god and jesse's like uh i'm just curious i'm just curious how are his teeth how are his teeth what are you gonna vote him out already so now it's time to dunk the man in the hot dog tank. It's just wacky.
It's just some wackiness. I mean, yeah, they all get dunked into this hot dog juice.
There's like a little window in the dunk tank so you can see people underwater as they're dunked. And seeing those hot dogs swirl around in that window was pretty visceral.
Like that was up there with that Wes nipple drawing for me. They were just floating around like little hot dog fish.
It was unpleasant. Yeah, I didn't watch this because it was like, funny games, we're going to a duck tank.
I was like, I'm going to Instagram. Bye.
Yeah, it did last 45 minutes, so I understand. I felt like it was a while.
So then they're going back home and Paige hugs Amanda. I was like, Oh, you know, you're going to the same car, right? So you don't need to hug.
Shut up. Hot dog, man.
So now it's a city. Finally, we're back in the city.
I kind of have been missing this when they're in the city. I love those things.
Yeah, because we've all,

we're three episodes in

and we've been on the same weekend this entire time.

It's only been one weekend.

So all this stuff with Jesse and Lexi

has only taken place over two days.

So Lindsay walks into a maternity store

and she's like, this lady's like,

hi, you look so cute.

I love your bump out,

which is so nice of this woman.

But you know she says this to anyone

who walks into her store. Like you're contractually oblig, she says this to anyone who walks into her store.

Like you're contractually obligated to say that to anyone who walks into the store.

What does that mean?

What she just means that she has her bump out.

Like, I love that you have your bump out.

I know.

But like how many times, like, could you imagine this woman saying like, oh, you have your bump out?

Like, of course she's going to your maternity store.

You'd be like, I look at that bump.

I can't look. Charlene, a lady with a bump came in i cannot believe it it is so nice honey to see people not hiding their bumps these days gosh look at her bump out well you came to the right place for that bump a maternity store it's like lady stop being so surprised that a lady with a a bump came into your store.
You're a maternity store. Uh, sorry, mid-show critique.
Can we please stop saying the word bump? It's been, like, a really rough few years for me. Probably gotta, probably gotta, uh, my feet on.
So then Lindsay debuts her new line that she says for the rest of the episode. Yeah, the bump is, like, really bumping this week.
Paige is debuting her new thing,

the I'm friends with Lindsay now,

for no real understandable reason, except that we're probably getting

a spinoff soon. But, alright, let's talk about it.

No, there's a reason.

There's a reason, because if you think about it,

there's probably like a 75%

chance that Lindsay's gonna give birth

to either a xenomorph or a devil,

and I don't want her sending it towards me, so I'm gonna be be nice now. I'm putting in the cred right now.
I'm just going to be nice to her so that the mother of the Babadook tells the Babadook to be nice to me. I like my sleep.
We need to aim this monster towards the person who really deserves it, Danielle. Thank God she's out of my life.
Wow, speaking of Babadook. So she's like, yeah, when Lindsay finally said the word, she's pregnant, suddenly I liked her.
It was crazy. I don't really understand why, but I was like, wow, she's my friend, my very old friend.
And she's having a baby. I'm just going to be there to lean on.
Well, not me, but I'll hand her a stick or something to lean on because she'll need it because she has a baby and she's old.

Very, very old.

It's a geriatric pregnancy.

It's truly an honor to be helping someone in their 80s give birth.

So I am going to accept this responsibility.

It's really important that she has someone to make sure, I don't know, she's not eating sushi, drinking Drano, walking out in front of buses.

Um, what are you thinking about? Different ways you could die, mother of a Babadook. Sorry, sorry, we're friends.
Given Lindsay's advanced age, I know that now that she's pregnant, she's gonna need someone to help her understand how to send text messages and answer the question, what's the difference between a text message and an email? So I'm happy to be that person. Lindsay, I'm just here to support you and to tell you that no, a Nigerian prince is really not trying to give you a million dollars if you've just given your social security number.
Lindsay, now that you're pregnant, I am here to help you set up your Apple TV every six weeks. So they're talking about freezing eggs.
Paige asked her if she's happy that she froze her eggs. And Lindsay's like, I'm 100% and I hope that they end up being an insurance policy, but I really think every woman should freeze her eggs.
And Paige is like, yeah, did you know that Craig froze his sperm? And Lindsay just looks at him like, oh my God, I dated Carl for And still, I think Craig's an idiot. Like, wow.
We see the clip of Craig saying, I saw something where someone got into a car accident. They couldn't read.
They were infertile afterwards. They crashed into an x-ray.
So, um, backwards for the rest of their life. So that's why me and Paige decided to freeze my sperm.

Craig is such a liar. Paige did not decide to freeze your sperm.
Why do you have to lie

with everything that you say?

I love Lindsay's like, um, does he know that he's not up against an actual biological clock?

Correct.

It's funny because Lindsay goes, um, he does know that, that, that, that,, Paige is probably not. I don't even know what you're going to say.
I don't know what you're going to say. 1000%.
He just really is really stupid. He's traumatized by Peter Van.
So Paige is like, correct. I said to him, I should probably freeze my eggs.
And he was like, okay, so should I freeze my sperm? So if you'd like to laugh right now, I give you permission. Um, but was his sperm depleted? She goes, no.
His sperm's fine. If anything, it was above average.
I mean, they said it's the first spermatozoa we've ever seen stabbing walls. So, about something.
Craig has been ready for her family and for me to move into his home since literally I think that he texted me but I have like worked for this exact moment in my career for 10 plus years which is of course to be on a national platform and telling everyone how stupid my boyfriend is I have dreamed of this moment and he can't take it away from me I was paid last year to pretend that I would walk into an old Navy. Now is not quitting time.
This fall, my podcast Giggly Squad is going on a 60 City tour, which, what? How are they doing 60 Cities? That's crazy. They sold out Radio City twice in a row.
I know. Good for them.
I really, I am, I am, I am, I don't know why, I don't know why I had this irrational feeling. I'm like stammering squad.
I don't know. I had this irrational feeling like there are babies.
I don't know why. I think it's because we saw them and on Summer House and no one cared about Summer House back then.
And we saw them become more popular and they created their podcasts and then they just sort of grew it. And I don't know why I have, there's no reason.
This is a parasocial thing, but I feel like Giggly squad is our little child ownership of Giggly squad. Yeah.
We have nothing to do with that. We have nothing to do with it, but I feel like a lot of good kids have nothing to do with, um, where they come from that's not true.
We literally have nothing to do with that. Kidney Squad, presented by Watford Crappens.
Yeah. But it's cool to see that people grow that much.
That's nuts. So then we, and also just like Bravo people reaching that level of success.
You know, like whatever, and I don't know, I know it's not like hundreds of millions of dollars like Bethany level, but even Bethany, Bethany's one of the most obnoxious people on the planet. But that was so crazy when she did that, because just as a Bravo fan, you're like, oh my God, people that I watch on TV just did so well, you know, because so much of Bravo is just watching people crash and burn.
It's like you start with somewhat healthy people and then you just watch them. It's like the long road to how do they end up in up in prison you know and um so to see people successful it's like oh my god they're new there's hope in the world yeah yeah exactly um so anyway she's basically like i am uh like i like my career is hotter than it's ever been before and i'm not, like, turn that all away just to settle down and be in with Craig.
Just have fucking Craig babies. No thanks.
So, they're talking about, and we knew that this was going to happen with Lindsay, right? And we generally like Lindsay, I think. But we knew that Lindsay's going to be the most fucking obnoxious pregnant person in the world.
Which, here she my god we're picking out dresses for my gender reveal barney oh my god let me tell you the gender right now of that child not interested okay yeah that child is going to come out and be like why is this a sick fucking joke lindsey's going to be stabbing stamping him with hashtags or her here um guess what ronnie right now we're gonna have an enthusiasm reveal about how i feel about gender reveals and we're looking to starbush pale and oh my god not enthused at all i can't believe it the streak continues wow what a great enthusiasm reveal um i've peed on a stick and found out the gender of your baby do Do not care! Do not fucking care! Just send me a link to the registry and tell me what color. Oh my god, I just found out what you're having, Lindsay.
Another polluter. So Paige wants Lindsay to girl.
Um, and Lindsay's like, you know what I was like thinking about? Like, in a way, boy or girl, this is my opportunity to break a cycle. No, Lindsay, like Pelotons are really good.
Like you really shouldn't break it. No, like an emotional cycle, like doing things like that.
My mom didn't do that like should have been done. So she wants to, you know, she has huge abandonment issues and she's hoping that she can be there for her child in a way that her mom wasn't there for her, which is good.
Yeah, I think that everybody who has a child deserves their own way to fuck up their child. They shouldn't be stuck on the way that they were fucked up as a child.
They shouldn't have new, fun fun, creative ways to torture their children. Yeah.
Like I look at a lot of stuff within my family and I'm like, well, okay. Like I have this issue with my parent because my parent was horrible in my mind.
But then you get older and you're like, no, they were actually a good parent. They were just fucked up because they had trauma from their parent.
And then their parent, like my meemaw was fucked up because she had trauma from her parents i mean you should have heard her stories i'm like it's just this cycle you know i finally got the word cycle and i'm like this cycle is just so boring it's all the same shit so i broke my cycle and now i'm traumatizing everybody else with new psychological terror like why rely on meemaw shit that shit's outdated new traumas fresh traumas everybody

i know but the sad part about trauma and cycles is that we think we're breaking the cycle but if you've ever seen 12 monkeys you're just you're just contributing the cycle continues i want to see 12 monkeys i'm going on safari i wish i had a girlfriend to take me to see 12 monkeys um so lindsay is um gonna break the cycle and we see a conversation from her from eight years ago talking to her mom saying well the phone goes but please so then i like that i forgot that that happened when lindsay finally called her mom and she's like hi mom it nice to talk to you. And her mom's like, well, you could call me.
Um, the phone goes two ways because you know, that meant the mom had her own thing where she's like, my daughter never speaks to me and hates me and won't forgive me for things that happened as a child. You know? Yeah.
I love it. It's trauma everywhere.
Cycles. Here comes one right now.
So anyway, now we go to lexi and jesse meeting up at the bar lawn club which is kind of like um like a like a douchey version of dave and busters kind of it's like it seems like it's a dave and busters made for um manhattan people who work in like mixed media or something So Jesse's like, you look pretty. Are you a model? No.
You want to learn some games? Yeah. I actually literally have always wanted to come here.
I was literally looking at my ass and I was literally like, can I ever go to the Bar Lawn Club? Oh my God. And now I'm here.
He's like, whoa, I have a question. She's hot's hot she can walk down the runway she's got a juicy booty but can she shoot a basketball into a trash can yeah let's see and so she shoots a basketball and misses and guess what she does when she misses she goes I was like oh my god and then we watched them we then watched like five minutes of them trying to shoot baskets and they're both missing for five minutes straight and they can't do corn hole.

They can't do anything.

They're just totally, totally inept people.

And I say this as someone who has no athleticism whatsoever.

I was like, but these people were really struggling.

So then Jesse said.

This is me trying to get a basket into a hoop.

Why? Why can't I do anything the cycle so then Jesse is like so before my dad married my mom he made her shoot a basketball because he wanted to see like before he had kids with her like if she had a good jump shot are you asking me to have your babies? And he's like,

no,

I'm just saying,

I don't know if we can.

Your dad's also a douche,

so there's that.

Well,

I want someone who like sees me

and they're like,

that's my girl

and they like go for it,

you know?

Because like,

I think guys can be like

intimidated

because like,

like by my exes, you know, or like my lifestyle. You've seen Tiffany, right? We get a lot of free makeup, so that's hard.
So I'm gonna have to talk with him. He's like, this has been so much fun.
This has been amazing. So are we gonna share a room this weekend or what? We're gonna take it slow or are you gonna let me stick it in you? And she's like, um.
He goes, yeah, do you usually move this quick with boys or is it usually slower? She's like, well, I don't share bits with every single guy that I just met on the first night, but I just want to make sure that we're a thing because I only want to be getting to know each other because, you know, I don't like Grey. He's like, what does Lindsay have to do with this? I do have to say, I liked that Lexi kind of said exactly, like, she set her parameters and her boundaries.
I'm going to give her credit for this, because she's like, yeah, I want to make sure that there's, like, one thing, like, that this thing that we're only getting to know each other, because it just makes it more black and white. Like, she's like, yeah, guess what? We're already exclusive, because that's how I do it.
Like, I don't want don't want to be talking around to a million different people. If you're into me, then great.
Be into me, but don't be into anyone else. I was like, oh, look at her.
Yeah, I like that too. That's what I was going off about at the beginning of the episode because he's acting like it's crazy.
He's like, oh, well, it feels like I've only known you for a week. Then keep in your fucking pants then.
There's your answer. What's so weird about about it it's not as weird as you trying to bang a young girl when you know you have nothing going on with her why is it so weird for her to not want you to bang half the world okay go to an sdb she's like i'm a hot commodity i dated a gerber i dated a beckham you don't even have a last name that's worth anything so i'm gonna date you but just so you know i'm not a I'm not a casual dater.
And I'm a relationship sex girl. So this is what you need to know about me.
And he's like, He's like, Do I want to be with a hot girl who's sort of famous? Or do I want to be able to fuck around? Yeah, he's like, That's really a tough one to swallow. And she's like, Well, but we need to go with our gut.
And then if it doesn't go out great, It doesn't work out great, then we'll work that out too. I'm like, no, because now you're telling him, okay, let's just do whatever you want.
And then once you fuck me over, then I'll deal with that when I come to it. Stick on the other stuff.
Yeah. So now we go to Kyle's room.
Now we get a Jesse. Now we get the Jesse ultimate fuck boy where he goes, yeah, listen Listen, like I was just going to be a change of pace for me.
You know, stick with me, kid. I'm learning because I'm normally not like that.
Normally, I just fuck off. Work in progress.
Yeah. He's doing that whole thing like, well, okay.
But when I cheat on you, don't forget that I told you in front of this basketball in a trash can thing that I'm new at this and I would try it for you, but I'm not sure that I can do it. I love, it's always the guys who want to love bomb and lock something down so that they can have sex, who then simultaneously are like, whoa, it's going too fast.
So then we go to Kyle's rooftop DJ party and people are all there and arriving. And Amanda is giving Kyle shit about his turntable.
She's like, she's touching the circle part. She's like, does this actually go wiggy, wiggy, wiggy? Which I believe is a direct Watcher Crappens quote.
And then Jesse is, everyone's just showing up and everything. And Kyle is saying how basically last summer, when he said he wanted to be a DJ, it was like kind of drunken thing that just sort of came out, but he's glad he did, because now he's taking classes, and he's DJing, and he's living his best DJ life.
Yeah, he's like, yeah, people think it looks like a midlife crisis, but that's going to be a Ferrari. Yeah, this just makes sense.
So Paige comes, and basically everybody's arriving and hugging and all that good stuff. And Carl sees Jesse and he's like, hey, how are you, my man? All right.
Look at me. I've got legs.
So that's good. Are you in love? You in love now? What's that like? Like, I've been impressed with the vibes that have been displayed.
I'm just going to tell you that, my friend. And then Wes shows then west shows up he's like whoa did i just interrupt good juice and jesse's like no we're just talking bids over here instead of talking about talking about lexi and stuff carl's like i mean she's a kind of girl we locked down obviously but like tightly and softly not hard so they're talking about the date and jesse says uh yeah i went on a date and it was fun i mean she's like so cute and yeah well i mean she's the kind of girl that you like lock down obviously obviously i'm right because yeah she made that clear so then page is like hey lexi i want to hear about your date because you're so young it's shocking and she's like oh my, Oh my God, the date was like really cute.
Like we really vibe. And I'm just like, I'm just like really enjoying my time.
I'm like, go for it, Lexi wood. So obviously I feel like we're probably going too fast, but, and Sierra was like, no, no, he's a fuck boy.
You need to lock. You need to go out.
When you see a fuck boy, you need to go and attach yourself as soon as possible. They're like,

no,

you're not going too fast at all,

you fucking dingbat.

Then Lexi's talking to Gabby.

She starts,

Kyle,

sorry,

Kyle,

Lexi,

and Gabby are talking.

And Kyle's like,

whoa,

you don't have to bump out.

You don't have to bump out.

It's just a big thing today.

Bump out.

Hashtag bump out.

She's like,

they told me it was like the size of a mango this week.

So I just partnered with a mango company. It's pretty good.
It's 20K. The bump is bumping and the mango is mangling.
So now Lindsay and Jesse are eating a big sandwich. Looks like a giant hot dog.
I feel like I've got hot dogs on the brain this week. And then Carl's ordering some non-alcoholic lover ball.
Non-alcoholic. So Carl says, hey, I was going to ask you, Carl, do you drink during your show or do you keep it soft? And Carl's like, yeah, well, sometimes when my nerves, it's just like so hard to see up there and I don't want to be like buzzed whatsoever, just purely wasted.
So, oh, by the on his way oh look here he is here comes Imrule I love this uh going by the DJ oath you know DJ's staying sober at all times so Imrule comes over and he's talking to everybody in the club he's like hey hey it's me Imrule hey everybody it. I'm here.
I don't know if you heard the but it happened because I brought a motorcycle here. That's right.
I'm a badass with a penis. He's like, Emeril's like the classic New Yorker.
He loves to have a good time. He likes to get it.
It's like Casanova. It's like Casanova lived in New York City in 2024 and had like multiple partners on a given night.
God. Sorul says hi to everyone and he's talking about how he's from brooklyn but he was born in bangladesh and was like oh yeah what's the what's the word to refer to someone who's from bangladesh he's like bengali he's like oh wow i love that he's like yeah that's how people know about the country it's the the Bengals.
Oh my God. I just realized that Bengals, Bengali.
Wow. Learning all the important things on Summer House.
While we're getting to know each other, I wish Imrule would say, why are you wearing your hat above your head? And why are you struggling so hard to look like a cool 21 year old please let it go you're uncomfortable to hang out with please just let it go so Kyle's DJing and then Bailey and Lexi are taking a shot and then Jesse and Lindsay are taking a picture together and people are dancing people are having fun so Paige brings that tell Sierra let's go to the bar So they go to the bar and then Paige is like, okay, look at this. This morning, I received a bit of rage texting from Kyle Cook about my best friend, Hannah, and my boyfriend, Craig.
For Craig, he's mad because he signed a deal to do some ad with another great company. And then Hannah, because she was on a podcast just being Hannah.
And then we hear Hannah on a podcast basically being like, or actually we don't hear her i just in my mind i heard her saying like yeah i was fired by kyle because of tennis but um uh she was she says that she was fired because kyle had her fired because she didn't add for a competitor to lover boy no i'm sorry that's just not true you were fired because you were a total monster and the audience hated your ass. That's why you were fired on your last season.
So this is Kyle's rage text to Paige, the whole thing. I got it on Reddit, so thank you, Reddit.
Honestly, beyond discouraged. With Craig, too.
This wouldn't be a topic today if it wasn't for him and about a dozen lies. I can't believe this is where Hannah is at three years later.
I'm fucking apeshit. First, her telling Alex Cooper I cheated on Amanda right up until our wedding and all the pain we fucking suffered because of that podcast when it was at its peak, which I never fucking confronted her about.
Now, or you. I didn't confront you about it either.
Now this! You've been with her this entire time and are out there saying you wish you stood up for her season five, and now this? This is what you think as well? Hannah had the lowest Q rating, something illegible. The entire work, a.k.a.
likability. Just ask Dave Kaplan, drunk, and he'll tell you.
Sorry to barrage you. I was just heated in the moment.
Can't vent to Amanda because she basically divorced me for potentially hurting your guys' friendship with the Spritz stuff. And I don't understand how lies keep getting told wow wow all right what do you think what do you think i just talked for 20 minutes uh i mean yeah hannah had a horrific season people hated hannah um i don't know i don't know I don't, I, I,, I, I, I probably got fired because she was, she was, people didn't like her that season.
I mean, I could also see Kyle basically, I could also see Kyle having a tantrum to a producer and be like, either she goes or I go. So maybe he kind of is the head of the show in that way, or at least he positions himself as the head of the show.
I don't know. I think Kyle got fired.
I mean, uh, Hannah because no one liked Hannah. I mean, I think that was just that's how it is.
And I think she's done a good job in her post-Summer House life of, you know, obviously she's got like 3 million TikTok followers or something. She's doing fine.
But I think her Summer House journey was not great, and it didn't end great, and nobody liked her, and that's why she got fired. And I think this text, kyle is kind of venting to it feels like he's not yelling at page but he's like venting to her like oh really this is what they're gonna do and they're your friends which i don't think is great either so i think she has a right to be pissed off oh page dub definitely does i mean i don't like whatever you feel about it kyle going to page about page's best friend and boyfriend even though we know that craig is a liar like you just don't do that she's right she says kyle has his number has both their numbers so he can call he can reach out to them and not go to page yeah because he's because kyle is very happy for does he get to yell at kyle for being a dj i mean come on and everyone's a lot's a lot.
And he doesn't even own a Spritz company. He's just an ad

person for the Spritz company, right?

Also, they're allowed to do things

that are not Loverboy, you know?

I mean, like, how long have we seen Loverboy

hawked on this show for crying out

loud and still not happy?

So, Paige is like,

notice how I didn't say my name in there, but I'm

just getting yelled at? Honestly, beyond

discouraged with Craig 2, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean,.
I mean, he's like going apeshit. So that's what happened to me today.
What about me gave you the impression that you could just text me, talk shit about my best friend and my boyfriend? Like, what the fuck? You have both of their numbers. Be an adult.
And if you see something on the internet that makes you upset, sit with it for a minute and then text the person that said it. You're trying to put me in the middle of it and it's absolutely insane.
Yeah. And Sierra's like, yeah.
And like, everyone needs to have allegiance to Carl. I was like, yeah.
When has he ever supported me? I mean, he has never supported one fucking thing I've ever done. I like when she gets more like East Coast accent when she gets mad.
When have you ever said anything about my book? She had a book? I didn't know she had a book. I guess so.
Sierra's like, yeah, he talks shit about your podcast and he acts like you won't understand anything as a businesswoman. And she's like, I've drank your drink for seven fucking years.
I was like, that was my first thought too. Paige is an influencer and she's sitting there holding this lover boy.
I mean, I would go nuts if I was in the house and every year I had lover boy forced on me, especially if there are other beverages that I'd rather drink instead. Like these people have been totally supportive and they're there at his party right there, right? At his party.
Paige is such a draw. Paige is arguably the biggest star on Summer House right now.
And like, it's such a draw that Paige is at Kyle's party and he's still gonna go off on her. That's That's bad business right there.
So she's like, Ann, I keep your wife company while you're up there acting like fucking Diplo, please. I like that when she's saying this, it just cuts to Kyle with his hands in the air going, yeah! Yeah! All right, well, guess what? It's Friday, so it's time for Lindsay and Danielle to arrive at the hampton's here comes daniel right danielle who i feel like has been fired from the show two to two times and she keeps coming back so danielle's like can i be annoying and can i touch your bump the bump is bumping so actually i would say you're pop a lop in Wrong hashtag bitch Okay Hashtag mango So So they come in

And Lindsay's excited

And then Danielle tells us, she goes, the break has been nice for a lot of reasons. I'm like, break? You've only had one week off since last season.
You weren't on. What are you talking about? The break? It's the second weekend of the show.
Like, yeah. Well, with that week, week i really focused on myself and like you know i missed the house though which is so crazy it's not like so crazy like i really missed the house yeah you miss your tether to fame so yeah that's like you haven't been gone for six years it's literally been only one weekend of shooting that you missed that's it you were at the reunion last season so she's gonna have the same haircut you didn't even get a new haircut and then she's like wow it looks the same it's weird being here it's like danielle i'm gonna shake you stop acting so nostalgic okay you're on the same schedule as you were last year and danielle's like wait why is there a painting of a mango on the is that a mango she's like um that's my baby baby mango so yeah we're like hashtagging it and like carl wasn't here don't worry and danielle's cracking up she's like um like i've been on the lindsey roller coaster for like so long and this is like the top of it so she's in the same house with coral and she's pregnant nobody will impregnate me nobody so danielle i need your help i'm gonna do a gender reveal scavenger hunt tonight nobody in the world knows the gender yet because no one cares except for my family and me and my baby daddy.
Daniel goes, so are we doing another sponsored post with that? He goes, trust me, if I could find a way to work that in, I totally would have. She's like, don't know.
I'm not even going to have the baby in bubbling. If I found a way to have a scavenger on, I would hide the baby somewhere and let somebody find it.

What's this picture of a mango driving down a country road?

Oh, I got my sonogram, sponsored by AutoZone.

Oh, okay.

So, is that a baby getting an oil change?

Yes, you ever run with it?

Why is that baby breastfeeding from a dipstick? It's called making a living, Daniel. Wait a second.
Did you just tape your ultrasound on top of the Michelin baby? Yes, I did. It's a vision board.
Well, when everyone finds out the gender, everyone's find out the gender but they're gonna have to wear that color option to the dinner oh for sake so now we have to wear we have to bring two different colors of outfits to wear to your part lindsay come on man it's a pain in the ass enough that you're pregnant during a summer house without making it all about your fucking pregnancy i can't like the fact that it's both a scavenger hunt and a color-coded dinner i i would just quit the show i'm like sorry i'm going back to manhattan i'm done here maybe bailey maybe bailey had it all figured out so um then sierra arrives and danielle danielle goes hello there's a stranger in your house you saw saw her two months ago. So then, I like that Sierra has the most realistic reaction to Danielle.
She goes, oh, hey. So what's up? I know.
Did you go out with that big like room? I mean, tell me all about it, Sierra. And Sierra's like, yeah, it was me, Carl, Emeril, Gabbyerald gabby bailey lexi and wes and we went out and danielle's like oh my god i only know like half the names this is like going back to my high school again so we see that the group went to happy hour and um and had a fun time and then danielle is uh like so how was it with west across the table am i right girlfriend she's like well we had a distraction which was in rule so emerald was sharing that he couldn't join us last weekend because he was at a play party and danielle's like oh so like everyone brings their kids like a bouncy house or do they like or do they like all perform like ibsen and like o'neill like no it's not that kind of play party.
It's for adults, like XXX. And so we cut to Emeril telling everyone, yeah.
Like, I walked in, and right when I got in there, there was a sex swing. So, yeah, pretty much did.
And they're, like, shocked. And then Sierra's like, yeah, so that's our intro, play parties.
And then somebody asked him how many times he came. And we see a flashback of Wes being like, so do you come? Did you get in trouble? Was anyone being mean to you? Were there women being mean to you and ruining your fun? Like, what was that like? And are there other animals from Bangladesh that we might know about? And he's like, yeah, I didn't come at all.

So Lindsay's like, I don't even want to know about this.

Well, between the gender reveal and Imrul's sex club adventures,

we have a lot of great content on the table for us.

It's a sperm-heavy episode, that's for sure.

But how did he not come?

He had sex with three different people and didn't come.

Was he doing that on purpose? Was he like Woody Harrelson-ing it? Where you he not come? He had sex with three different people and didn't come. Was he like doing that on purpose? Or was he like Woody Harrelson, Woody Harrelsoning it? Where he just like never come? I don't know.
It's interesting. But you know who does come? He does come right now.
Emeril. He shows up at the house.
He shows up on a motorcycle. And I'm like, how does this work? Because where are your bags? You don't have any bags.
You're just on a motorcycle. How are you doing this? Oh, yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah, and it's also a really long motorcycle trip. I mean, you can do it.
Although Luke used to do it. I never questioned where Luke's bags were, but I just assumed Luke would just wear the same lumberjack clothes all weekend.
Yeah, or like you take your bags to someone else's car to bring them, but then you take the motorcycle or something to say, I think it must be that.

Yeah.

Okay.

So he comes in and we find out that he's like, well, I was going to be here last week, but I had my hands tied.

Oh, literally.

I'm over this guy.

So he tells us that he grew up in a Muslim household and everything was taboo.

He couldn't eat pork. You had to pray five times a day you can't have sex before marriage and he's like i don't want to say i was trapped but just kind of limited by circumstance and then eventually when i started having a better sense of my own self i realized i want to go to sex parties and i don't like this rigidity unless it's in my dick.
So I've come the other way now. Well, when I do come, it was me embracing it.
It was hard to loosen up at first after my upbringing, but God, sitting a sex swing for a night really changed that. So we're going to tell you.
Loose as a goose, ready to party, guys. So then Paige and Lexi and Wes are coming,

and they're talking about their week and stuff,

and Paige got a cat.

She's like, I got a cat.

And they're like, oh my god, that is so cute.

And she's like, yeah, I did it because my girlfriends have a cat,

and they were like, you have to get a cat.

And I was like, oh my god, I have to get a cat.

And so I got a cat.

She's like the cutest thing I've ever seen, like literally in my life. I love her so much that I immediately left her for three days.
I love when Licey goes, what did you name it? She goes, Daphne. Like, of course she named her cat Daphne.
It's like the most page name of a cat. I just chuckled when she said that.
The exasperated housekeeper on Frasier. So, um, but also how do you get a kitten and then just leave it? Who'd she leave? I know.
I was a little surprised. Like you just got the cat.
Listen, I think that if, I think if Lindsay can bring babyness in here, you can bring a cat in here, bring it on, bring the cat. I would like a cat.
Well, I don't know that cat could get loose and I don't know. Maybe.
Maybe a kid was not the best place. I'm sorry.
This is a recap and not really time for my own trauma. But who cares? If you don't want to listen to my trauma, fast forward three minutes.
Do you know what happened last night? Okay. So the leaf blower was over, blowing shit around.
And he left the gate open. And I didn't know because I don't see the gate.
And it's on the side of the house. And Bueller got out.
And I went out there and I could not find him.

So I was like, well, maybe he's just taking his time.

So I chilled out.

And then I went out and he still wasn't there.

So I went out and I got the flashlight.

And I'm looking around.

Bueller's not there.

I'm like, okay, I need to look at his AirTag.

So I pushed the AirTag thing.

And it's like, can't find the AirTag, which is weird.

And it said battery ran out of the AirTag.

So I was like, goddammit.

So I'm looking all over.

I'm walking the street. I'm screaming for Bueller freaking out because this is Texas.
You know, I'm kind of in the country. There's some, you hear coyotes howling and all sorts of shows like poor Bueller.
I come home and Bueller sitting at the front door looking in. All he wanted to do was come through a different door.
That's that's so poetic. He didn't even care about running away.
He's just like, I wonder what it's like to come in this other door i'm gonna come out that's exactly what im rule said at his party i've never freaked out like that my poor bueller you're bad i'm glad bueller is safe and sound yeah he's back i saw my stomach drop out of my pooper okay so uh she got a. And they're like, yeah, hashtag cat moms.
So let's talk about your date now. She's like, my parents, Jesse met my parents.
It was like so funny because it was like last minute and then they came into town and they came to meet them. And Paige is like, so are you gonna get married in canada what are you doing do you act do you have to actually wear a canadian tuxedo to a canadian wedding i've just always been curious about this can i bring my cat so um uh yeah so jesse was like yeah they love me and because of course you know he's probably he's probably so good with parents and danielle was like so did you clear the entire roster? Did the text messages have to go on? By the way, I have to say, these walls.
Have there always been this many walls in the kitchen? It's just been so long since I've been here. Where even am I? I'm sorry, are you speaking English? I can't even understand what you're saying.
Are we talking differently now in the house? where am i um so they're talking about meeting the parents with jesse and he's like oh god like i just like have to tell the story now she goes i'm like dying to know how it went okay well on my way i was like how the did i get here because like weeks ago i was just like single dating and now i'm about to meet this girl's parents and then i show up and bozo the clown is Clown is fucking there. I mean, it turned out to be her sister, but that was scary.
So then he's talking about how Amanda's like, but by the way, a lot of people are waiting for you to comment on my most recent post, because Jesse, his thing is that he comments, he really flirts hard on his lady friend's Instagrams, and he's like, yeah, I'm the type of guy

that likes to gas up his girlfriend.

Amanda posted a picture.

She deserves some love.

So I tell her how hot she is on her photo.

And I do the same for Ciara.

And we see everything is like,

you look so fucking hot,

I want to bone you.

That's what all the comments are like.

And Lexi's basically like,

yeah, if you're into me,

you can't do that.

So you have to say things like,

your dress looks cute,

but you can't be like, you're so fucking hot, I want to do you. Yeah.
She's like, instead of saying that, maybe you say, the dress is beautiful. And I was like, I don't know about this.
It's like really hard. She can't even shoot a basket.
So they're all talking about how much he changes or how much he's already changed with Lexi. So then Lexi comes, and she sees him, and she's like, hi.
Does that thing where she holds him from around the neck and then looks deeply into his eyes for a kiss? Oh my god. Oh no.
Wrong tree. Wrong tree.
Find another tree to bark up, ma'am. Danielle's like, hi, you don't know me, Lexi.
I'm Danielle. And she's like, oh my god.
Hi. You know, I am so grateful for the work that you do around here.
The bushes look wonderful. Thank you for all your landscaping.
She's like, no, no, I'm... I used to live here.
Oh, okay. That's great.
And Paige brings Lindsay pink flowers and she's like, oh, it's for for your gender reveal I'm team pink because you nauseate me and I take Pepto just kidding it's for a girl so the chef arrives and they clear out so the chef can cook and everything and Jesse and Lexi are like hugging and kissing and he asks about her parents because they're in town.

And he's like, so how was it?

She's like, it was amazing.

We actually had such a good time and my mom reassured me

my ass is not smaller after all

despite doing all the steps.

So Sierra watches Paige take her luggage up.

She's like, you're independent.

I'm not.

Emeril, take my luggage up. He's like, okay, yeah, full service over here.
Oh, wait, hold on. Made it to the top of the stairs.
I have an announcement. Did not come.
Okay, let's do this. So, Kyle, Wes is asking if Kyle is here, and Amanda says that Kyle had to drive over from New Hampshire because he had an event there.
And meanwhile, Sierra and Paige are talking and Sierra's like, what am I going to grow out of crop tops? Never. By the way, have you ever spoken? Have you spoken to Kyle yet? So Paige is like, well, after his event, he just goes, Hey, sorry about all those texts earlier.
And I was like, all right. I mean, I said nothing because I'm not going to like say something at his event and like, be like, it just was weird.
I mean, I have a cat now. I'm a cat mom to Daphne.
I have to set a good example. So then a couple of days go by and he's like, does this whole page six exclusive about Hannah.
And he lied to his fucking teeth in the article. And he goes, I don't know what Hannah's talking about.
And I didn't get her fired. And I don't have that much power.
Okay. And you wouldn't make up with her at the reunion.
So we all know what that means. It's not even about Hannah.
Cause it's like, you two are never going to have a friendship anyway. You both have different experiences, but like, how are you going to just like watch history repeat itself? Like Craig doesn't want to be your friend.
Like point blank period. He feels uncomfortable even coming to the house and you went on national television and articles calling him a liar about his business.
That was a really long one. Sorry.
I'm exhausted. I'm going to sleep in bed the whole weekend.
Yeah, she goes off and on and on and on and on. And she's like, yeah, it's like when your dad gets mad at you for doing bad things, but your friends were the ones that did it.
And I'm like, dad, I don't smoke weed. So she's had it with fucking Kyle.
And she's like, and now I've gotten to a point where you fucked with my best friend and now you're fucking with my boyfriend. Like, you think you can disrespect me? You think you can text me anything you want? Like, fuck you.
Like, you're lucky I don't buy your lover boy and fucking sell it. Okay.
All right, bitch. So I'll probably say all of that at Lindsay's gender reveal dinner.
I'm like, yes, Jersey housewife coming out the second she gets pissed. So then we get Kyle walking to the house like, hey, everybody, I just DJed.

And she's like, I'm going to kill him.

Yeah, it's going to be great.

She's going to eviscerate him next week.

Looking forward to it.

Fun times.

All right, everybody.

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