#2742 RHOBH S1413 Part One: Caviar Taste on a Doritos Budget

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Watcher Crappens ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills.
Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.
Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.
Instacart is on a mission to have you not leave the couch this basketball season, because between the pregame rituals and the postgame interviews, it can be difficult to find time for everything else. So let Instacart take care of your game day snacks or weekly restocks and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes, because we hear it's bad luck to be hungry on game day.
So download the Instacart app today

and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees apply for three orders in

14 days. Excludes restaurants.
Watch what crappens, watch what crappens, watch what crappens, who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens?

Watch what crappens, watch what crappens, who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens?

Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all the crap we love to talk about on your bruvs i'm ronnie that's ben over there hi ben you gorgeous man hi ronnie you gorgeous man how's life with you it's fantastic just enjoying another sunny day in southern california enjoying this you know just having a nice easy easy day of nothing. What? Oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
News break. Alexia News Network.
Welcome to the Alexia News Network. Oh, well, you know, Peter.
Guys, huge news. Karen Huger has been sentenced to prison.
Wow. A family of mourners has just arrived.

They've gathered outside the courthouse.

Guys, that's old blue eyes.

The driver over there sobbing.

Bless his heart.

Wow.

So yeah, Karen was sentenced to two years in prison, which is crazy, with one year suspended, and I think five years of probation. Is that what I read in here? Crazy, crazy stuff.
Karen Huger was back in a Montgomery County Circuit Court. This is from People Magazine's Dave Quinn.
Wednesday, February 26th,

where she was officially sentenced to two years in prison with one year suspended for her ongoing

drunk driving case. We have clips from Karen arguing her case in the court today.
Well,

it was only Flintstones vitamins. They're very, very addictive.
And I only took them because my

dear parents have left this world. And I'm so sorry that Fred Flintstone has done this to me.
Please, Gerald Fred Flintstone and Big Pharma. Your Honor, I would like to appeal to the court and to the jury and say that I am innocent, and it is the median that should be investigated.
You know, and I will not rest. I understand I have to do my civil service and I will go to jail like so many martyrs before me.
But when I get out of this facility, I will spend every waking minute wondering, who was the median that did this to me and how can we stop it from doing it to other people? When I got out of that cop car and I said, I am lit, it was because the camera was on me and there was a light on it and I was thanking the kind police officer for lighting me. Now, when are we going to get tests for deer running into the street? Who's alcohol testing the deer? When the officer, the kind officer asked me to say the alphabet backwards, well, of course I didn't do that correctly because it is as an artist, it is up for me to interpret what an alphabet even is.
And I refuse to be jailed for having artistic integrity. So yeah, this was crazy.
That's a long time to be in jail. People were saying it was going to be like six months tops.
And so when people say six months, I thought, oh, she'll probably get like a month, you know? But no, she got six months. And someone on Reddit, I mean, she got two years.
And someone on Reddit named Purple, wait, Purple Panda Pants, Purple Panda Pants on Reddit, went to the courtroom. Now, I love a sloppy ass messy Bravo viewer going to the courtroom to cover this shit on Reddit.
And by the way their icon is archie i believe their their avatar is archie so the best is that it's like archie is archie is like at the courthouse giving uh updates on what has happened archie who's already been the through the ringer you know what i mean shannon bedore is drunk driving and he was actually walking through the streets because shannon had pretended that she was walking her dog archie uh at the time of clipping the house so it's fitting that archie is now reporting from the courthouse he's he's hardened he's experienced yes so um we have um so purple panda pants uh is at the courthouse and you know this because they have like a little headline with everything that they post saying,

Karen's sentencing, I'm at the court.

So first-

Yeah, that's like your tagline on Reddit.

You can come up with your own tagline.

My tagline is, that's my housewife's tagline.

Karen's sentencing, I'm at the court.

So she was updating this whole time.

So you have to scroll down a little bit to see where she started, because obviously this goes backwards. 11.29 a.m.
But basically, a bunch of people, you know, the judge comes in, and she says, The judge seems a little bit lost. Both side sent sentencing guidelines or whatever requests.
And then we get to,

Judge read a letter from Morningstar Baptist Church,

read a letter from the director of Rehab B,

and a statement from MAD.

Oh my gosh.

Well, I'm mothers against deplorable discographies as well.

I do not appreciate children listening to terrible music either. Set me free! I don't know where you are in this.
You'll just have to read this because I can't see. Well, basically, she's just updating as it goes along.
Karen was sentenced to two years in jail, one year suspended, has to serve one year in jail, five years probation. And then she says

at 1129, Karen just got

taken away by the sheriff to start. I mean,

she started already. I thought that was something they're

like, okay, you better report to jail in a

few months, and then maybe she could shoot a couple

of scenes, but no, they took her ass right

to jail. Yeah, go directly

to jail. I personally enjoy

update. I got yelled at

by the judge for live tweeting. So please, please await my next live tweet.
You are now part of the court record. Purple Panda.
Purple Panda pants is my new hero. So it's some friends and family here gathered around her and said, we're praying for you.
And you've got this. And she's gone.
Apparently on her way out, she told Ray, you've got this. You've got this, Ray.
God will take care of you. He's like, that's right.
I do have this, and I am going to Florida to golf for a year. I'm going to be golfing in Florida.
Yes. He's like, woo! Don't have to shoot a stupid show.
Ray has reported to his recovery center in Florida, the golf, the golf. So, wow, that's crazy.
So we're going to get a year, at least a year without Karen on Potomac, which I know. I know there's bigger things to worry about than my television schedule, but name them.
Name them. I think that she will be out.
I think she will not serve a full year. She'll be out probably in six months, if not less.
Good behavior. I'm sure there will be a very strongly worded character witness document that will be sent in from the Tally Ho.
i think that it'll be okay she'll maybe she'll

like transition to house arrest or something like that but um i think it's it's all very scary i mean the truth is this whether it's one year or just like three nights karen huger in prison i don't i just i i don't even see how that works like i can't they said this on the on the reunion I don't understand how Karen survives a prison situation.

The food, the lack of glam, just everything. I don't see Karen being...
She's coming back a changed and broken woman. That's what I see.
Oh, no. She's going to come back stronger than ever.
She's going to have a huge hero story coming back. I hope she learns to make ponchos, like Martha Stewart.
comes back out in the poncho line or some shit. I think she'll be fine.
I think she's going to do great in prison. I don't think it's like real prison.
It's like Karen Huger prison. I think it's going to be like HomeGoods prison where it's kind of nice.
Maybe Danburg Connecticut. I feel like it's going to be a nice prison.
I don't know. have no idea.
Because you know why? Because Purple Panda Pants has not told me.

So get on it, Purple Panda Pants.

All right.

You better get yourself in jail.

Do a crime.

Do a crime.

And then get yourself thrown in jail and then report from inside the jail, please.

That's what a real reporter does.

That's called going undercover.

Karen's making the worst shanks ever.

She's like, I made a five-week shank. It's got five blades on it.
It's just five blades. Like, there's nothing even sharp on there.
And they're like, uh, it's toilet paper that I rolled up. Started on fire.
It's a week. Uh, so anyway, welcome to Watch What Crappens, everybody.
Today is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Day. Um, but before we start, we're going to do another 10 minutes.

No, just kidding.

We're on tour.

So go get tickets.

In March, we're going to be at Cincinnati, Minneapolis, Toronto, Charlotte, Atlanta, Washington, and Philly.

Get your tickets, links, and other show dates because we're going to be going through May.

Get your city over at WatchWhatCrappens.com.

Also, Patreon is where you find videos like this

one that we're doing right now, and it's

also where you'll find our Traders Recaps.

So go check those out on

Patreon. Thank you to everybody who supports

over there. Let's get on with some Real

Housewives of Beverly Hills. Shall we be in?

Yeah, I'm just trying to adjust my mic.

I'm trying to have

an aspirational microphone moment where

if I raise my mic up higher, I won't slouch in my chair as much because I'll have to rise up to the microphone. So don't mind me over here making tons of noise and fiddling around here like the mic is up high.
I'm going to say hi. I'm going to have really good posture during this entire episode because this is an episode that requires good posture.
A lot's going on. It starts off with Dorit and Jagger playing basketball at their home court.
And Jagger throws the ball through the hoop. And Dorit's like, Oh, no, I can't grip this ball to save my life, Jaggie.
And he's like, Stupid mother. And he's like, No, it's just not easy with long nails.
So in the long, you know, the tradition,

let me just say, in the tradition of parents

who speak, well, at least a mother

who speaks with a fucked up crazy accent,

Jagger speaks with, did you notice Jagger's

accent? Yeah, he's also

British. Where'd that come from?

He's a very Osborne child, yeah.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard Jagger with an accent,

because I remember him not having an accent,

but I think he went to school and was like, fuck these

people, I'm getting five accents, because now he's like,

it's no whole, mother, I'm

And Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard Jagger with an accent, because I remember him not having an accent. But I think he went to school and was like, fuck these people.
I'm getting five accents. Because now he's like, it's no ho, not I.
I'm just quit the blue. I was like, wow, this kid's traveled a lot.
He's got the well-traveled accent that his mommy has. I wonder if they're going to school with other children or are they still using that classroom in the house? Because if they're not socializing with other kids, then their primary accents are going to be PK and Dorit.
So they're going to wind up sounding like they're from, you know, Lichtenstein or something. Poi is 3.14, baby.
Like, OK, Jackie, go out and play with your biscuit ball. and then um garcelle is uh at some rooftop pool with someone named stacy mandelberg which i was

like hey is that is that my family member? And then it's like, no, it's Mandelberg, not Mandelker. And it's very like your old neighbors, the Mandelbergs.
Mandelberg. Stacey Mandelberg from Mandelberg Films International.
so um we never had a challenger in the family and the family potato sack race until the Mandelbergs came along. Mandelberg versus Mandelberg.
Stacey Mandelberg is like, all right, everyone, we have a new script coming in. Richard Grieco is attached.
We think we can sell this one to Paramount. Go.
It's supposed to be your mom's like, it's supposed to be a potato sack race. So, Grosselle's like, all right, here's what I see.
Ruining another potato sack race. Wait, what about the potato sack race? The Mandelbergs.
They're your neighbors. They were your first real competition in the neighborhood, the potato sack race.
Yeah, I blocked it out because it got bloody. So, Garcelle is talking about her new film, Black Girl Missing, Part 19.
And she's like, well, here's what I'd like to talk about. The opening credits, I feel like I need one beat, because all we really have is a close-up of the school you know exterior school so i'm gonna need more than that um flagpole car parked out front mailbox with french fries in it sounds great that's it print print i've got an idea why don't we have a shot of the sign that says hbcu so we know we're at an HBCU? This is why I hire you, Mandelbaum.
It's Mandelberg. Whatever.
Now listen here, Mrs. Mandelker.
You might have lost the last five potato sack races your family entered, but you're good with exteriors. It's Mandelberg.
We don't mention the Mandelker name around these parts. So Black Girl Missing Part 19, coming soon.
So then we go to Erica's house, and she's on the phone with her mother, and people are unpacking, flurry of unpacking, you know, very inexpensive things around Erica's house for her remodel. And she's like, you're gonna call my mom, because everything's still a motion.
gaze gaze in a flurry all right you're gonna sleep in the bed with me because i'm not sleeping on my brand new couch you understand me mom she's like okay sure you excited to come ma sure sure it looks like a lot of patterns have been installed behind you it's sort of like vaguely kind of like some sort of quasi-british person version of india but sure i'll come thanks mom how many mothers get to say they slept in the bed that army hammer threatened to eat their daughter's flesh in can't wait so now we have trixie monocle going all i know is we gonna get it we gonna kill it off we do it we're gonna do it we're gonna sleep with it we're gonna be it. Off we do it.
We're gonna do it. We're gonna sleep with it.
We're gonna be it. Come on, Paul.
Come on. Give me some more verbs that we can do with it.
Come on, Paul. We're running out.
I just want to leave the audience confused, right? I want to just... We kept talking about doing it, but we're never going to talk about what we're going to do, right? So the audience perplexed.
I want Mrs. Mandelker at a potato sack race with a losing medal.
Do you understand? I want Pennywise the Clown to get mad, be like, stop saying my name. I'll be like, it's not your name anymore.
It's my lyric. So we the past two weeks or so, two or three weeks, we have not seen anything from Jennifer Tilly.
And we've been wondering, where's Jennifer Tilly? So they made up for it with a super like a super dense Jennifer Tilly episode. Lots of Jennifer Tilly and we've been wondering where's Jennifer Tilly so they made up for it with a super like a super dense Jennifer Tilly episode lots of Jennifer Tilly so she shows up at Caviar Caspia and she's looking fabulous she's got sunglasses on I mean like cannot under cannot emphasize enough how much I love Jennifer Tilly and she's like hello everyone hi oh so I just called Oh, so I just called me Miss Glamorama.
I hear you guys have been, you guys have some ideas for the caviar. So please let me know.
You know, Caviar Caspia is like the perfect place to have a party. I love caftans and I love caviar.
So I love Caviar Caspia. So they're like, well, our first order of business is how to arrange the tables.

I love that she's acting like she's coming in here planning this whole party.

They make a table of straight lines and serve caviar on a baked potato.

That's it.

How do we do that?

Wait a second.

What if we turn the tables over and have all the legs sticking up?

No, John.

Oh, God.

This arranging tables is tricky.

I thought it would be a really fun opportunity for the girls to put on caftans with lots of jewelry. In the invitation, I said, think Talitha Gatti.
I don't know if anybody knows who that is, but they don't understand caftans like me. You know, first of all, we are going to do a table like

Put a bunch of tables close together That'd be great if you could do that Thank you so much I kept the tapes Oh yeah that's wonderful And like okay I'm not really a caviar connoisseur And I guess this is really crass of me But I try to order the most expensive caviar on the menu Because I figure it's probably the best. Yeah.

That's Simpson's money, by the way. That's Simpson's money.

I don't know what it tastes like, but it's

expensive, so whatever.

That's Beverly Hills right there.

They're just like, it's expensive.

Send it over. Send over the most

expensive one you have.

It'll be delicious, I'm sure.

So,

I'm looking at, you know, I'm sorry, I seem distracted. But it's because I'm looking up Tala Fagetti.
And I don't know. I'm going to look at some images and see if she has a lot of captains.
Tala's like, oh, my God. She's my favorite one on the Golden Girls.
I love on the Golden Girls when she would, like, go into salons and tell people how to redo them.

Oh my god.

God, I wish I would have loved to have had Elizabeth Montgomery as my mother.

So now she's talking about having a long, cohesive table.

Tell her that Getty needs to relax.

I'm looking at photos of her.

Every photo she's dead. So I would call that pretty relaxed okay yeah she well you know taking an eternal nap in she has a lot of photos of her flopped up against a wall like that's her no wonder why she's like a caftan queen she is like a human caftan every photos are like propped up on some structure relax you are so right right that's so right like Every single thing she's leaned up against something like she's falling down.
She looks... It's like if you took a towel and threw it against the wall, she's like, that's my pose.
Even when she's holding her baby, she's just like, ah, it's babysitting. She is the most floppy person.
R.I.P. But look, I mean, every single photo is her flopped up against something it's wild Talitha Getty the model who made headlines leaning on things it's like it's not even it's like every there's like one of her like she has a lot she has a lot of photos by like um like like like stone kind of like stone walls or structures i'm sure there's one on demand video look she's just leaning wait they have uh so this is wait this is very exciting because um uh stream yard has just debuted the ability to share photos and this is the at the one there.
Wait. Yeah, this one on the right.
Yeah, one over that one. Look at her.
Click it. She's sitting down, kind of cross-legged and leaning.
And then her head's also leaning. That's pretty good.
She is not a freestanding woman. R's R.I.P.
It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crapins commercial.
Hi, I'm Kristen Bell. Carvana makes car buying easy.
Isn't that right, hon? Dax? Dax? Sorry, did you know about this seven-day money-back guarantee? A week to evaluate seat comfiness, you say? A week of terrain tests? Yeah, I can test the brake pad resistance at variable speeds. Make sure all the kids' stuff fits nicely.
Make sure our stuff fits nicely. Oh, the— Right.
Still need to buy the car. Getting ahead of ourselves here.
Buy your car with Carvana today. So I just used NerdWallet's card finder tool to find a better card for me.
And listeners, this is genius. All you have to do is answer a few questions and in minutes, you'll get matched with recommendations tailored to you.
I'm discovering cards I didn't even know existed and the matching was on point. The best part? No research needed.
The nerds already did that for us.

So if you, like me, want to easily find the right card for you,

go to nerdwallet.com to get matched today.

Terms and conditions apply.

Credit products subject to lender approval.

See nerdwallet.com for details.

I just told a model after Talitha, the model known for leaning on things, so I hope everybody listens.

Uh, yeah, um, the only thing I don't like are the little orange caviars.

They always remind me of the little fish bait, and coincidentally, I think they're the cheapest caviar in the menu,

so as long as I order the most caviar, most expensive caviar, I'm actually fine. I just don't like roll.
This is where Jennifer, Tilly, and I will diverge because I'm a caviar slut and I'll eat the cheap stuff. I'll eat the expensive stuff.
I love it all. I will eat the cheap orange.
I love the cheap orange shit. I don't like it and I'm not going to pretend to just to sound fancy i think it's gross i don't want to eat fish eggs have you ever seen them getting caviar out of a fish and just squeezing and just caviar spurting out i mean it just looks like poop it's like people really memorize nasty fish poop i'm not into it i don't like it i'm not doing I get you up this moment.
Okay. Womp womp.
I'm like, swap the caviar onto the wall. Yeah, fuck caviar.
I'm not going to pretend. I feel like, uh, I feel like I feel like I would be more like a Jennifer.
You know, like, I don't really know, but it sounds fancy. So I had a party about it.
So now Sutton comes over to visit and, um, Sutton Sutton, Jennifer has just come back. She tells us that, I just got you a little cheap thing.
I got you a cheap thing from Altamoda. It's just a little thing, you know, so look at it.
And Sutton's like, oh, it's just, oh, really, just a little thing from Altamoda. I'm sure it's just going to be a little.
Oh, well, it is actually just a little little thing it's a little plate wow wow thanks wow is this a is this a thimble why did you get my thimble to uh chew off a fingernail and place that in this plate that's all this plate's good for um so i just got back from sardinia i was at the deutsche and gabbana altana Ultimate Fashion Show. And so Sutton and I used to go all the time, but we love Dolce & Gabbana, guys.
And they are sort of like family for us. And I have a lot of Dolce & Gabbana jewelry, but then I can't pick it up until I get paid off.
So I always have a little bit of a layaway plan. Aren't they super problematic, Dolce & Gimano?

I mean, which fashion person isn't?

I think they're...

He's like, we love them.

We love them.

You know?

I don't know.

I think what's-his-face was really problematic.

The guy, the white-haired guy with the ponytail, you know.

Not Helmut Lang.

Listen, the only designer I care about is Onnive. really problematic uh the guy the white hair guy with the ponytail you know not helmet laying um

listen the only designer i care about is one of the one of it one of that who's that

um like the best designer in the world o l d n a b y

it's the only one i go to it's the only one i trust and they're not problematic except you know

some people consider making children make their clothes as problematic but i say put your Thank you. Oh, no, Matt.
It's the only one I go to. It's the only one I trust.
And they're not problematic.

Except, you know, some people consider making children make their clothes as problematic.

But I say, put your children to work.

Keep them out of the streets.

They're litterers.

I'm sorry.

Has Talitha Getty ever modeled any of Old Nova?

Because until she has, I'm not sure if they really count.

They're sleepwear.

Just models on the ground.

So Sutton has decided that i need to find

me a billionaire good luck girl please i can barely find a 10-ionaire like

can anybody at least just like pay for a starbucks

well i'll get you a starbucks ronnie don't you that doesn't count we ain't

if you just want the free though who cares you get the you get the all the upside the starbucks i'm telling you i'm not getting it though i'm not getting a starbucks i'm not getting anything so she decided that she deserves a billionaire and uh she's like i'm gonna go for money now that's what i'm gonna do and i'm you, but I need to find a man. I need one.
He really spoils me. Sutton, you couldn't even find one that shows up more than twice.
Well, Jennifer Chili then says, well, I think that would be very nice. Remember when Christian gave you that Cartier bracelet? I was so jealous.
And the earrings that you have, too. This is my way of reminding you that you were with a billionaire and it was the worst time of your life.

Okay, so moving on.

And it's funny because when she's saying this,

she's looking at Sutton's actual things that she's wearing.

She's like,

Remember that bracelet?

Oh, yeah, and those earrings.

Well, you've got them on right now, actually.

I love that Sutton is like,

I'm going to see Jennifer today.

I'm going to wear those earrings she's jealous of.

Hold on one second.

Most expensive caviar.

Hold on. I want to just speak to my

mother. Hey, mother, why aren't you

proud of me being able to start my own little

business? Okay, as I was saying, I need a billionaire

to fund this lifestyle.

I've had a hemorrhoid that's less painful

than you as a daughter. Is that all?

Thank you, mother.

So Sutton's saying, she's like,

I'm sorry. I've had a hemorrhoid that's less painful than you as a daughter.
Is that all? Thank you, mother. So, son's saying, she's like, oh, well, Jennifer, you missed Dorit's Fourth of July party.
You know, I was reluctant to go and he seemed a bit traumatized. Well, it was a bit traumatic.
Okay. Okay.
First of all, yeah, you seem like you have a little bit post-traumatic stress syndrome. Yeah got it the first time when you said i seem traumatized you don't have to elaborate okay so garcelle sits down and is like sutton what are you drinking and i said it's the watermelon drink it's light and refreshing which for the record was neither light nor was it refreshing but i was being polite because that's the way my mother raised me actually the way my mother raised me to say this drink sucks, this drink sucks.
But I learned not to act like my mother, which is sort of like my mother raising me back now did i swerve into the door jam five times just trying to get out of the house because I was so wasted? Perhaps, but I still made my point. Waste not.
Know what I'm saying? I'm going to go. I am going to go.
Did you say going to go? I'm going to go. I'm going to go.
So, by the way, I have to, I'm going to admit right now, last week when dorit said her thing i didn't understand what joke dorit was trying to make like it didn't make sense to me and it was only this week that i realized you didn't get it was being sarcastic saying wait you're asking sudden what she's drinking and if there's alcohol in it like of course there's alcohol in it but i didn't get that for a whole week and so you didn't get it what that was a nine hour recap what do you think we were talking you don't have to understand these things just to be silly about them that's what i've discovered over it's been 13 years i don't even know what half the shit i'm talking about i love you i don't know what i'm talking about oh yeah that's what they were talking about i still don't find it that offensive i'm sorry i know people online are like going not over it crazy over it. I know that it was shitty and people have pointed out that because of what Sutton has gone through with her dad and his, you know, obviously we went through that last week.
I can see how that would make it darker and someone insinuating, but Sutton's reaction is just so kooky. I mean, to me, it seems like Dorit's like almost trying to be your, I don't know, to judge sudden reaction had nothing to do with okay there may maybe some of the groundwork was laid by the fact that she just went to augusta but her reaction was solely rooted in the fact that she waited 30 minutes without being greeted downstairs and then on top of that dorit like her bag and then was like not like when the joke was over dit still held onto it and Sutton felt uncomfortable about by it so it was purely Sutton was just waiting for an opportunity to explode and that's and she chose this one and that's all it was yeah she was already ready to go for Dorit and Dorit just kept fucking with her and that waiting 40 minutes that that's really shitty that's shitty I'm sorry it's completely kind of ignoring you while you talk to kyle or whatever that was shitty but the like you know and i get that the little you know the little barbs or whatever but sudden reaction is just so fucking crazy and granted i would not suggest you change it because oh i love amazing i love it yes sudden is one of those few people who could be a total total asshole and i like to say one of those few people it's like it's like all my favorites i'm like one of those few people who be an asshole and, total asshole.
And I like to say one of those few people.

It's like all my favorites.

I'm like, one of those few people who could be an asshole, and I like it. I'm like, no, I like all.
I love Sutton just being totally unhinged because it's just her. She can't control it.
It just comes bubbling out of her. Like, she's not producing in that moment.
She just is full of emotion, and I love that. So, basically, Dorit, you know, we see why she's mad, because she made this rumor about her, which Kyle did it, which we'll get to later, but Dorit was perpetuating this rumor

and saying, this is something to drink.

She's somebody I would not be surprised if she pours a little vodka and a coffee in the

morning, which wasn't nice to say.

But would any of us be surprised if she poured a little vodka in her coffee in the morning? I wouldn't. No.
So Sutton's like, well, I understand what she's doing, and I understand her insinuation completely, and she is not that clever. So Jennifer's like, so what did you say in response? You're such a fucking bitch, Camille.
Oh, okay, so then you just left? Well, I didn't just leave. I did sort of like plunge right into the kitchen island.
I mean, I was seeing all sorts of things. It was a lot.
It was a very strong drink. But then I eventually got out of there.
The last person who called me a bitch in my own home was an employee. And at least she had the decency to do it in Tai-ish.
Tai-ween-ese. so dice for me so jennifer asked if sons talked to read and she's like no she said the first time you're going to see her is at my caviar caftan party and she's like yes at your beautiful caviar caftan party oh i guess we'll see how that goes.
So we go to Kyle's house and there's another break-in. It is the tree house house.
There's been another break-in in Encino, you guys. And it's the doll house, the tree house.
It's this doll house in the backyard and the door's, Kyle's like, why is this door open? Who went in here? And we see there's like disarray everything here's a bigger question why do you still have this thing in your backyard your children are like 16 what's happening in there and why is PK cooking a pretend pancake and why are there so many printouts of memes on the walls all right sorry I left the door open you know you've told me not to do that babe I this honestly i i didn't know what i was more annoyed by the fact that we're seeing another scene of kyle running after her dogs or the fact that she had this miniature cottage like the cottage like really annoyed me like why is this why do you have this miniature cottage why is why does this exist on your property this doesn't make any sense this is stupid because i think the kids were too old for that even when they moved in right because they haven't lived there since porsche was like a little kid they moved in there when she was a teenager it's like porsche it's just go in there porsche you know in a household full of stupid objects i.e the neon art in her in her foyer this is what this is probably the stupidest thing on kyle's property this stupid cottage fucking burn it to the ground so um she's blaming storm for it you know storm gets a lot of blame in this family what does storm ever do and then they cut to storm and he's just looking at her like fucking change it good luck oh i'm so scared storm's like you won't give me a doghouse but you have a cottage for some invisible child that's gonna come in here someday grow up. He's like, sorry, I'm still scared.
Storm's like, you won't give me a doghouse, but you have a cottage for some invisible child that's going to come in here someday. Grow up.
He's like, sorry, I'm still not jigging, mother. Like, pees on the dollhouse.
Storm definitely had like a melodramatic 1970s movie moment. There's like, oh yeah, like, soak a cigarette.
Knocking everything off the counters of the cottage. It's like, wait a minute, what is my mother's ring doing in here this was stolen five years ago storm's like god damn she finally came in here he's got all of her old stolen birkins in there it's been stormed this whole time it would be very kyle if like all her all her robbed stuff was just in the backyard in that stupid cottage no one went into because there was never any need for anyone to go into because everyone aged out of it.
Yeah, it is kind of creepy to have that back there. So now somebody comes over.
And let me tell you, the last Jamie that I saw come to Kyle's house was Jamie Leocortis. And she didn't look that excited.
She was like really trying to work herself up for it this guy looks miserable this jamie he's like oh god let's have to go to fucking kyle's house today he's like hi he's like twitching and like scratching he's like hey i was just sleeping in my car what do you need me for she's like well i just i feel i felt so unrelaxed i have to take a breath he's like okay take a breath okay more space how's it feeling well i felt really weird in the beginning but like i'm getting used to it and it's just like it's been like really quiet lately because porsche's in europe and like i don't know how to turn on the music so it's just like really really quiet and it's really cold in here because i haven't been able to figure out how to close the french door So cold, no music, bugs coming in. It's really bad in here.

Here's the thing, Life Coach Doctor slash Jamie Lee Curtis. The girls have been saying I don't share anything on camera.
So I brought you over to share a bunch of manufactured stuff. So please have a seat.
I'm very lonely because Mauricio is out living his best life and traveling all over and having fun, and I'm stuck here.

Kyle, you're traveling all over the world living your best life, too, with Morgan Wade.

We see the pictures that you pay for in every fucking magazine that you pay to get them in.

So stop pretending you're just stuck there with, like, a Ross Dress for Less not even close.

Kyle, you just went to Augusta, Georgia.

Okay?

That's beautiful.

You just went to a very small airport. You just got to to eat it what was the family restaurant called i forgot it's called eat it that later eat it eat it eat it but in augusta so um kyle's like i mean like the first summer i mean the fact that he took porsche alone i've never been away from porsche like that and then he's like gonna go and do a guy's trip, and he goes and lives his life, and he's just having fun.
I don't know. Does Kyle just not know how to book herself an airplane ticket? Yeah, she does, because she travels all over the place.
Now, part of this was sad, because Kyle's always made me crazy, but I fall for it. You know, I'm very easily manipulated.

And even though I think Kyle's full of it and faking most of the stuff she does, I'm still like, oh, this is so sad.

And, you know, I kind of felt bad that she's lonely.

And then I remember that she's got a really hot girlfriend and kind of kicked her husband out.

So what do you want me to say?

She did do that.

Now, the other thing is that, like, what the real story here is Kyle is saying, OK, we have to work on our images. Right.
Like like a divorce is not just a divorce when you're in the public eye. It's like it's also a battle of public relations and her public relations.
Like her angle is I'm just home and I'm alone. And I'm just trying to like because people think that she cheated.
Right. People think she cheated and she cheated with Morgan Wade.
So she's just going to be like the healing and working on myself,

doing that whole thing.

And he's just like,

woo,

skiing,

banging hot girls,

going to parties,

going off to the Riviera.

And she's like,

this isn't right because I have to do the sad thing for my,

for my public image.

And he gets to do all the party stuff.

Like I want to do the party stuff too.

I'm liberated from this guy. I get to live my best lesbian life now.
Yeah, that's true. She should be able to be living her best life.
And it also sucks because, you know, while I do believe that she probably was cheating or whatever with Morgan, I also believe the stuff about Mauricio, you know, DMing people on Instagram and all that stuff. So I don't believe that she's like, I don't believe that he's some victim in all of this.
You know, I totally. She's not the first cheater.
Yeah. And I believe this stuff where she's like, I needed him and he's not around.
Like I do, you know, I feel for her, I guess, and all of that stuff. But I also believe that you never tell a man who you think is cheating.
You know what you should take? Some space. No, that's not what you say.
You cut,

you change all the pin numbers on all of the bank accounts, and you get everything frozen.

You don't just say, go, go. Listen, any man who is worth, what are they worth? Like tens of

millions of dollars at this point after the agency. I mean, they're rich, rich.
You never tell a man

with a new lease on life because he's newly rich, rich to just go explore and have fun. No, it's not what you do.
Tie him down, break his kneecaps. That's what you do.
You find out that man has been DMing people on the Instagram, break his kneecaps. Yeah.
Kyle's just like, I want to be out there. I want to party.
But if I do that, everyone's going to get mad at me. So that sucks.
um but she is she's basically just pretending on the show that she's not doing that i guess because she's she's kind of grounded on the show because they're shooting right now but she's the one who puts out all these pictures of herself partying all the time and going all over the place with morgan so i'm not believing her like i don't even leave town i'm just working so hard on you know all that stuff that i'm doing you know i'm'm doing a film version of Kyle by Shahida. And, you know, it's been really, really rough.
Origin story. Okay.
It's called Kyle Leah Perez. Commercials.
Here comes one right now. Now find island-inspired limited-time flavors at Whole Foods Market for the Explore the Tropic Sales event.
Enjoy pre-marinated mains like mango coconut salmon and pineapple teriyaki chicken and pair them with seasoned, ready-to-heat beans from a dozen cousins. Need dinner in a snap? Grab zesty lime shrimp salad, mango turkey burgers, and more from prepared foods.
And, of course, there's the Mango Yuzu Chantilly Cake? Explore over 1 million audiobooks, podcasts, and exclusive Audible originals that'll inspire and motivate you. Tap into your well-being with advice and insight from leading professionals and experts on better health, relationships, career, finance, investing, and more.
Maybe you want to kick a bad habit or start a good one. If you're interested in learning how to master your emotions and hearing scientifically backed advice for using your emotions as a tool, may I suggest Shift by psychologist and bestseller author, Dr.
Ethan Cross. Trust me, listening on Audible can help you reach the goals you set for yourself.
Start listening today when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com slash Wondery. That's audible.com slash Wondery.
So Jamie is like, she said, well, why can't you live your best life too? I can can but there's like a little part of me that says like you know like I move on what happens if I move on with somebody new and then like what if he's like okay I went and sold my wild oats or like whatever that expression is and you know and he wants to come back yeah why would you take back someone who says woo I just sold my wild oats okay i'm back to you back to the old the old reliable pontiac 1983 pontiac no if someone said that like oh sorry i went and sold my wild oats now let's get back together like yeah well guess what keep selling your wild oats go go see where those how those wild oats grow because you you just you lost this harvest if we're going to continue our farming metaphor i'm gonna squeeze those oats until they're oat milk but i'm gonna throw it in your face you son of a bitch but i can see why she'd be sad look i think she's been with him for a long time that was a love of her life she never thought this would happen and then she was like fine you're not there for me then move out hoping that he would kind of you know be, babe. And she says that in this scene where she's like, he never fought for me, you know, like he just acted like everything would eventually be fine.
Like I was just going through something and it would all be fine. And so I think that he did think that and she thought, well, fine, he's not reacting.
So I'll give him something to react about, get the fuck out and do whatever you want. We're separated.
See how you like that. And he's like, party, Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
You mean I get you mean i guess what i'm saying fuck whoever i want get my own place and still not lose all of my money in a divorce and i'm not the bad guy yeah and that's what i'm saying like don't hold out hope that he'll he like don't don't put your life on pause in in hopes that he might say okay i'm done sowing my my wild oats. I'm coming back to you.
You don't want that. You don't want someone who, like, you want someone who wants you, like, you want those oats to have been sown.
Those oats should have been growing for 20 years back when he sowed them in, like, 1995, you know? So you don't want him to have to go off and have a midlife crisis and be like, oh, you know what? Actually, I do like you. Like, no, you don't don't relinquish your power that way.
Yeah, I think that she's just, you know, lonely. I get it.
You know, I mean, I don't get it in a way that I've ever lived it. But like, I can see how she would be sad and stuff.
And a lot of it, too, is just everybody bugging her, you know, because what she's really saying in this is like, I'm fine, but people keep bugging me and telling me I need to get divorced. I need to do that.
So like, do I need to take action? No, you don't need to take action. You're like, you're fine.
If you're fine with how things are going, don't take action just because other people are telling you to take action. You know, I mean, if it works for you, there's so many different kinds of marriages.
And I don't know if it's just being gay, but I don't know. I know a lot of couples like this who are like best friends and they still live together but they you know do whatever they want kind of at the same time they have their own independent lives too so i don't know maybe that could work but don't feel the pressure i don't think that's what she wants is telling you i don't think she wants that i listen i think also like i still firmly believe that like the the root of all this was that Kyle went through, like, really rough tragedy last year.
And Mauricio was not available to her the way that she needed him to be available. And that caused a rift.
And I think it's probably really hard when the person that you love is not there for you when you need them the most. And then they go off and they just party and they have a great time.
And then you start to realize like, oh shit, did I ever mean anything to this person? I think that's probably what she's going through right now. And she should just move on, move on and live your best life is what I'm saying to her.
Yeah, just keep annoying us in your face. Just annoy us, yeah, like in a full throttle,

you know,

full voiced,

annoying way,

you know?

Yeah,

but we knew when they were doing

that gun range thing

a few episodes ago

when she got up there

to sit next to him

and he immediately

jumped off that bench.

I was like,

oh no,

he's dating.

She like went

into the gun range.

Yeah,

he's like,

I'm not pissed.

I pissed off Kyle already.

I'm not also going to

piss off my girlfriend.

Like,

what kind of idiot do I look like?

So, yeah, there's just more of this.

So that's that.

So she's like, I don't know what I want.

Do I want to move on or do I not want to move on?

And the therapist is like, I know this much.

I want to move on.

I got a pillow in my car.

I'm going to go back and sleep in that.

Okay.

Also, it's been 20 years and I need to broach something with you, which is my name is not Jamie. My name is actually Curtis.
Curtis Lee Jamie. Yeah.
It's been really annoying. So let's go over to Boz's home.
Cutting flowers. She's cutting yellow roses.
And she's like, this is why we've got florists. Take me tall like me.
I love a tall flower. Me and my future babies.
I mean, me and Keely's future babies. Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong.
That's her doorbell. And she's like, oh, someone is here.
And it's Dr. Cindy Duke.
She's a fertility expert. So she comes in and Boz is like, well, I've actually been a little nervous, but we're going to talk about it.
Dr. Cindy Duke.
Welcome. Welcome to my talk show.
Come to the Boz's living room talk show. We're going to sit down and talk about babies.
So she says that Dr. Cindy is a leading fertility specialist.
They call her the baby doctor. She says, I think she's a magician on the nose.
It's a little like are most fertility people called baby doctors?

I mean, it's kind of on the nose, but it's also confusing in the same way, because like if you had a sick baby, you'd be like, oh, my God, call a baby doctor.

And so your dumb husband's just Googling and finds baby doctor and you get there and she's like, I only count eggs.

So.

Or maybe she just like got her degree when she was really young, like 18 months. She's a genius.
She's a baby doctor. Like remember boss baby, baby doctor.
She's like, stat. So she's like, do you want to set up in my bedroom without being a good idea? And so there's like this little, there's this guy, this quiet man who just just goes upstairs to set up something, and she basically says, well, this baby doctor brought her whole team, she brought her equipment, she brought her baby rattle, and she, because I simply need my services in my home.
I mean, my nail person comes to my house, my hair stylist comes to my house, my on-staff bedazzler comes to my house, heck, even my waxer comes to my house, so why would I not have my fertility doctor? Like, like well because i feel like you should go to a medical office but that's okay if they're willing to listen when you're rich in los angeles they will bring everything to your house that's one thing that we have learned over the years yeah but also i think like it's glamorous to not do everything in your house it's glamorous to like go get services other like who wants a waxer in their house? I don't want that smell in my house, smelly. And then you get like little hairs left everywhere.
I don't know. I feel like for this, you should go somewhere sterile.
It also like teeters a little bit into Ms. Haversham territory.
Like at certain points, like step outside the house. Yeah, go outside.
Yeah, exactly. I don't need my hoo-ha working on in my house.
I barely want to at that thing get you know get someone else to do it outside of the house then i can go home and pretend it never happened you know can i tell you something work done like i don't want to look at that thing just do it outside the house and i can come home and just i don't know i'm like i never got that stuff done what are you guys talking about i um to sort of uh to echo what you just said about the little hairs. There was one time where, uh, my barber had left his, uh, barbershop.
And so he was doing house calls instead because he didn't have a new barbershop yet. So I was like, cool, actually, this is great because I don't have to go anywhere.
So we showed up and then like, we like, he cut my hair in like the kitchen. Cause there was tile, there was hair hair everywhere, even with a little blanket down.
It was awful.

Some things should not be in the house. I know that a lot of people get their hair cut in their home.
That's a thing, especially barbers come to their homes. But it's messy.
It's messy. Those little hairs, they find a way to get everywhere.
Yeah, they really do. So she doesn't care.
I blame both. She's going to get it in her house.
She's like, I get a car wash in my living room. What are you going to do? I can afford it.
Well, Dr. Cindy Duke, you'll meet Killy very soon.
He's on his way in. Okay.
Hello. Eyes up here.
Stop playing with that Tower of Rings over there. Okay.
Thank you. We're thinking about starting a family together.
And, you know, we're both very mature. I'm 47.
He's 48. And I've been pregnant twice.
I've lost my first daughter. And I had complications when she was born.
Preterm. And Leah, my living daughter, was also preterm, so I am nervous.
And, you know, she's talking about how it's scary, but it's especially scary at this age and stuff. And then Dr.
Cindy's like, do you have any peas to go with my mashed bananas? Because it was a long flight. Dr.
Cindy's like, before we go any further, I have on my schedule here that at 1.12, a plane is supposed to be coming into the hangar. Okay.
And the hangar is ready for the plane. So my mouth is open wide.
So Keely comes over and make niceties. And Buzz is like, well, here's what I need to know today.
Are there eggs up in there? Are there eggs? And are they up in there? Tell me about them. How many are there? Are any of them talented? Do any of them show business acumen? Get on.
Have any of the eggs created a PowerPoint for this experience? So Dr. Cindy is like, well, as we age and as we cross 40, which as we know is 39 years ahead of food.
Bored, bored, faster, faster, bored, bored. Losing my interest.
Okay. Well, you know, eggs.
Okay. Old age, low eggs, not a lot of eggs.
Odds are low, but not zero. You're probably not pregnant.

I don't know.

What do you want me to do?

Great, I'm having five children.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming over.

So basically, she does this thing where she puts the sonogram.

I don't know.

She does an ultrasound.

Yeah, an ultrasound.

She's like, now look over here.

This dark circle is an egg house.

One, two, three, four.

Please stop playing patty cake on my stomach. Sorry, it's just a habit.
Wow, I've got four eggs. Do you know how expensive those things are now? I'm rich.
I'm rich. Now, can you please tell me about these egg houses? Are they mid-century modern? Are they colonial? I have a certain style that I'm going for tell them this I'm coming for you and I've got wallpaper so she has egg houses and she's excited she's got like four eggs per house or something and you're usually you only get zero eggs and so she's like yes four eggs we're doing it all right but now before we go any further let's talk about keely let's talk about our egg houses house number one it was a little bit over budget but i did love the view a house number two it was close to my work but you know that noise from the traffic it was too close to the main road and house number three it was it was nice but i didn't like the kitchen what do you think keely he's like whatever you want and then she's like okay doctor thank you for coming over why aren't you getting up i pooped myself god damn it why do we keep hiring these baby doctors um so now uh we go to kyle and she's getting ready with glam for caftans and caviar.
And she's like, caftans and caviar, all that's missing is the yacht. And the glam person's like, quiet luxury, which to be fair, they probably say that with everything.
Like, guys, did you guys, did you guys see the latest episode of White Lotus? Quiet luxury. Actually, that's an appropriate use of saying quiet luxury.
Quiet luxury. I just know that Shahida's somewhere fuming watching this episode.

Like, oh, now she's willing to promote caftans.

Great.

Great, Kyle.

Thanks.

So then over at Dorit's house, she's also getting her glam done, and they are doing that stuff on your nose, that contouring stuff.

I'm like, are you purposely getting a carrot for a nose? Why is your nose a pencil? Carrot nose. Why are you shaping your nose like that? It looks cray cray.
So they're like, hey Dorit, so what are you doing today? Where are you going? She's like, oh, so Jennifer Tilly, she's hosting all the ladies at Caviar caspia like oh my god fun quiet luxury Wow quiet very quiet exhausting quiet luxury um so then she's like I'm just not looking for conflict right now is what I'm not looking for I can't wait to fight with Sutton I mean does anybody have bottles of alcohol of alcohol I can take in? Meanwhile, over at Sutton's house, she's talking to her glam team. And she goes, well, Jennifer and I have been going to Caviar Caspia for a long, long time.
And we see a photo of them going there in 2020. And she says, Caviar Caspia is best known for its twice-baked potato that has a ton of caviar on top.
And then we see her with a potato. And so one of the few ways you can get people on Beverly Hills to eat carbs is by loading caviar on top.
I prefer the Ocestra, but the most expensive one. But somebody like poor Reet would get the cheapest one, which would be one of the red row caviar.
They get on top of sushi sometimes, you know, not even the good sushi, like the Sushi Stop Sushi. You know what I'm talking about.
Oh, wow. You get the most expensive one.
Wow. That's so impressive.
Poor Reet would get the cheapest one. Poor Reet.
I don't mind it. I don't mind Poor Reet.
I like it. Even though I, too, enjoy that sushi row, I am here for the Poor Reet shading.
I like a good wordplay. Hello there.
This is a two-part recap, okay? This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this.
Just come back a little later for part two. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors.
Ain't no thing like Alison King. Our way is the amber way.
It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster.
It's Always Automatic with Ashley Otto. Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney.
Put your hands together for Carly Clapp. Catherine D.
Bernardo has our hard-o. Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offutt.
Dana C. Dana Do.
We never miss her call. It's Diane Call.
Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less. Jamie.
She has no less namey. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones.
I go, you go, we all go for Hugo. Hava Nagila Weber.
We could all learn from Jennifer Kearns. She's our kind of mess.
It's Jennifer Messer. Sip some scotch with Jessica Trotch.
Knock, knock, knocking on Katie Manok's door. She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock.
Kristen the Piston Anderson. Get a bee in your bonnet with Lacey B.
Rigging the funk, it's Leslie Plunkett. She gets an A from us, it's Lindsay D.
Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry.
We love her on the rocks, it's Melissa Cox. Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg.
This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian. I love a y'all, Olivia Williamson.
Tastier than Flanderson, it's Rachel Manderson. She sure is swell, it's Raquel.
Yes we canna, it's Savannah. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman.
Let's share with Sharon Eldridge. The Bay Area Betches, Betches.
And our super premium sponsors. She's VVIP, it's Amanda V.
Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. She's got a leg up, it's Beth-Anee.
We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neill.
Don't get salty with Christine Pepper.

Can't have a meal without the Emily

sides. Who, what, why,

where, and Gwen Pentland.

It's our queen. It's Queen Laifah.

Nobody holds a candle to

Jamie Kendall. Know your worth

with Jason Curse. We got our wish.

It's Jen Plish. She's not harsh.

She's Jill Hirsch. She's

a little bit loony.

Junie.

My favorite Murdo.

Karen McMurdo.

We love him madly.

It's Kyle Pod Chadley.

We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron.

She's a whiz.

It's Liz Sarthy.

Always killing it.

It's Low Alkalani.

The Incredible Edible Matthew Sisters.

She eases our woes.

It's Melissa St. Rose.

Give him hell, Miss Noelle. She's the Queen Bee.
It's Sarah Lemke. Shannon, out of a canon, Anthony.
Let's take off with Tam LaPlane. She ain't no shrinking Violet Kuchar.
We love you guys. If you like Watch What Crappens, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.
Have you ever wondered how a circus performer could become the most powerful woman in the Byzantine Empire? Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery that pulls back the curtain on royal families, from ancient empires to modern monarchs, to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty. Before she ruled an empire, Theodora was a teen sensation in circus shows, featuring dancing bears, burlesque performers, and blood-soaked chariot races.
But when her star came crashing down, she clawed her way from rock bottom to the very top, using everything from comedy to espionage to get there. Empress Theodora didn't just survive.
She revolutionized women's rights across the Byzantine Empire, like changing laws to let women divorce men, own property, and bring abusive men to justice. For all her work in pioneering, she's remembered as the most powerful Byzantine empress in history.

Follow Even the Royals on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to Even the Royals early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus.