#2964 Below Deck S12E11 Part 1: Getting Off, Scot Free

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We'll see you next time. It's so much what it crappens.
Oh, well, you must be a crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.
I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today is the wonderful and glorious Ronnie Carroll. Hello.
How are you?

I'm actually so great because you know what?

This is a very special

podcast episode because I

am announcing our new album

The Life of a Podcaster

and it's going to be

on sale in a few days

and I hope everyone buys it.

We're just so excited about it so can't wait to hear all the rhymes with bar and car um uh anyway we are here today to talk about below deck uh a scandalous episode um before we dive into that. We have have patreon and you may not have heard we have patreon we do weekly bonus episodes um last week we did sort of like a pop culture check in on like project runway and things like that and then um we'll have another bonus episode this week we also have crappens on demand there where you can watch us that's where you get the video component for this podcast.
Every episode we do has Crappies on Demand. And then a week after the Crappies on Demand goes on Patreon, it will then go over to YouTube.
So go to Patreon to get first access on those videos and our bonus episodes, Discord, all the good stuff. And also, thanks to everyone who came and joined us with Crappy Hour last night.
It was a really fun one. We do that every other Monday.
And for the next few weeks, we're going to alternate that with us going on Amazon Live. So this week was Crappy Hour.
Next week, we'll go on Amazon Live at 4 p.m. And we will recommend it.
We don't know what we'll be recommending this coming week, but we have a huge amount of fun doing so if you ever want to know the things the trinkets and items that we love uh come join us over there so without further ado let's get into the big did kyle have sex with a guest episode that that's been hyped all season long it's finally arrived it has arrived some may say it has come and first of all i know

we're in 2025 and a big no-no in these modern times is no sex shaming so i would like to start by saying no i i will not subscribe to that today because my main note on this episode is ew ew ew Ew

Ew

What the fuck bro

Ew this episode is ew ew ew ew ew ew yeah what the fuck bro ew ew to all of you all three of you and you're all gross you're all fucking gross okay now that said if i had sex in the bathroom of course was i bent over with my head under a urinal not really i mean come on can we have classier sex in bathrooms do you need a homosexual to come teach you how to do this i mean jeez you know i was proud of that girl i loved it she knew exactly what she wanted she got it and then she moved on with her life now i just i just feel like they could have chosen a better location there was like literally anywhere else that they could have gone to um why don't they fuck on the beach they were right there she was traveling on the beach it's not like he needs all that long for well maybe he did he was pretty drunk but maybe there was a pesky crustacean in the way but i have to say also in addition to this i'm so excited pesky crustacean yeah that's what taylor swift almost called her album she at the last second. That was Travis's idea when she was like, what should I call this album? He's like, crusty crustacean.
She's like, no. I, so one thing with this episode that really, I got excited and then I was very sad.
We made it like 25, we made it like over halfway through this episode, maybe beyond halfway, before the Instagram walls kicked in. And I swear to God, I was like, I think they're finally listening to the audience.
They realize the Instagram walls are the most annoying, stupid thing that they ever added to this show. And I was like, they finally cut them.
They're not doing them anymore. And then all of a sudden, it was like they forgot that they had to do Instagram walls.
And there was like five in a row. And I was so mad.
Yeah. I mean, look, I think it's just part of life.
Like Instagram walls are the most annoying part of everybody's life. Like, honestly, they're the most annoying part of every person I know.
Like you meet somebody, they seem fun. You like them.
They're like, follow me on socials. You go to their social and you're like, ew, like you're gross.
Like I think that we should all stop using Instagram so much. Also, can I ask a personal favor from shirt manufacturers? Look at this shirt I'm wearing, Ben.
I'm wearing this shirt. Is this necessary? There's three things sewed on here.
They're like ribbons from a state fair and they're sewn on so tightly. I cannot pull them off.
Do you know how many shirts i have with big holes on the side with my muffin top hanging out because of these stupid things that i rip off they're making me crazy stop it what do you have scissors that don't work because you still feel the things making cuts on you you know you need a seam ripper and then you need to sew the shit back up there so stupid sharp manufacturers i'm sorry people in bathrooms okay but yes the instagram wall i will say about the instagram walls barbara's at least is normal yeah although hers is i mean hers is normal she has one like where she's like a carnival which is like a little more a little more extra it's walls. It's not the images themselves.
It's just that we stopped the entire show and we stop it usually for no reason. It's like, we stop it just to hear a generic thought about something.
It's like, let's stop all the action, the entire flow. So Barbara can say, it's not nice doing this to people.
It's not nice. I'm like, Oh, I'm glad we stopped everything for that.
Well, I literally just stopped the show to talk about shirt tags so i guess i'm not at the moment you had an observation it's fine i will not adjudicate this any further okay so let's get started below deck season 12 episode 11. So, stupid title.
So, Carrie kicked Kelly off the boat. That was a couple weeks ago, but it's still fun to watch clips of.
Because they open it with clips of Kelly going, Fuck you, Captain. Fuck you.
I ain't drunk. I ain't nothing on me.
I'm calling the FBI, motherfuckers. Have we heard from Kelly, by the way, since this all happened? Has she made any statements? Has she gone on any podcasts or done any interviews? I would love to know this because she's been curiously silent about this.
I would have thought she would have come out with her side of the story. I heard that she's someone left a comment.
I think yesterday on the crappy hour saying that she's posting like a proud peacock

all over the place she follows you can't you just go to her instagram i know i don't want to but

like i do know that she follows me which is so funny like i really don't understand she doesn't

follow you or watch her crap and somehow i was the one the lucky one she's the page disorvo

i'm always happy for any follower. So Kelly, thank you.

Thank you for joining the Ben Army.

The Army Delker.

What would you call it?

The Ben Army.

I like Ben Army.

Yeah.

I don't want to call it Army because I'm a nonviolent person.

Ben Brigade.

Spelled with Brigade. It's called B-R-I-G-A-Y-D-E.

Brigade.

A Ben friend.

A Ben friend.

A Ben friend.

Friend of Ben.

Yeah, a friend of Ben.

The gentle Bens.

Just make it softer and sadder.

The sweet children.

The sweet children.

Ben wussies.

It's not even cute anymore

the kids who don't like recess

the beat up Ben's

the kids who like to draw

nap time Ben's

so Anthony is doing an eight course meal

and he's like this is the moment

that I'm working for

you know my whole career

sometimes people beat me up that I'm working for.

And you know my whole career.

Sometimes people beat me up when I'm a little boy,

but this is time I prove I'm not boy to beat up.

I'm boy to cook eight-course meal.

I was like, oh, for Christ's sake, have you ever...

Are you new here?

Anthony, it's like...

Anthony is on a different show, I believe. He briefly intersected with below deck when he had a scene with fraser uh on their off day but he meanwhile is just off doing his own thing he's like giving confessionals about storylines we're not paying attention to or care care about he's like he's for my father you know i miss him so much he taught me how to turn butter but like no one's paying attention no one's talking about it no talking to him.
Like, I'm like, is he on this show? Is he just been a slight spliced in? He's like a top chef contestant. That's always on the bottom.
And every week you have to hear him go, you know, I did not believe in myself earlier, but now I believe in myself and I'm hoping I get another chance to, you know, the thing that I believe in. Like every single week, it's the same thing, bringing in a sob story about, It's like, I'll save the dyslexia for this week.
I'll add a sob story about bullying this week. Like, you're running out of sob stories, Anthony.
Okay, next time you're out. I'm finally getting my confidence.
And then he finally gets eliminated and he's like, well, I'm just happy because now I show my children, you can do whatever you want to do in life. Which is so funny because it's always the people who get eliminated who say that I'm like you literally just got eliminated someone said you can't do this anymore I know they're like I just inspired my children to lose wow what are you teaching your children I I inspired my children to have a stage fright and to choke under pressure my children are walking around now and they are seeing mini quiche mini quiche when he came out with the mini quiche i died okay so it is it's just so many you know it's like eight courses remember when he was like eight course meal here's piece of asparagus was that him or was that the last chef i forget but they brought brought out one piece of asparagus on a plate with some beet sauce.

The next course, asparagus.

That's the second all asparagus.

That's a side answer.

That is a side.

Okay.

So he's all excited about that.

It's the final night of charter.

And Carrie is joining them for dinner.

And Selene and Barbara are working on cabins. And there is a bag in the bath.
There's a purse in the bath reminding us of the story of last week when she's like, you know what my daughter did to my bag? She dropped my purse in the toilet, and I said, when I died, this is what you're inheriting, the piss-covered bag. That lady sounds exactly like one of Zachariah Porter's impersonations you know zachariah porter he always does like the east coast he always puts on like a little wig and he's always doing like like like moms from long island oh yeah it's always like so over the he's so funny but it's always so over the top you're like oh it's like funny because it's cartoony but i'm like oh maybe it's not cartoony because this woman has the exact accent she's like you'll get it when i die i'm like oh my god they all sound like that and one of the ones that were the one that was like this is my favorite one like yeah nobody i'm italian nobody fucking says nobody calls the cops it's called sauce it.
It's called sauce. It's not green beer.

Sauce.

What kind of Italian are you?

A sauce.

It's a sauce bag.

I'm having the old Sunday sauce.

My daughter, she knocked my Louis Vuitton into the sauce.

I said, you know what?

When I die, you get the sauce bag.

That's it.

That's all you get.

So Selena's mortified by the purse because it's just sitting in the bathtub.

I was like, why did she put the bag in the back? You look like my dog. Oh, poor dog.
So now Fraser is readying everybody. It's time for bread service.
My favorite kind of service. If they had just bread service, I would go to church every week.
What if bread service is more like you bring the bread to Meineke and they put up on the hydraulic lift and they put more like more carbs into it and then they like send it on its way more fuck yeah remember for a while we there was um this bread that was like low carb and it was really good actually we were advertising for it on watch what crap and they sent us a ton of it and it was really good and oh my god it's like real bread and some point I was like, I need to inject this with just more gluten and carbs

and whatever else is in bread that makes it just so sinful.

I just need more bread.

You know how they have those things where they show,

like this is how much sugar an average human eats a year.

And then they put like a teaspoon a day

and then it piles up to a big hill that you can't even climb.

And they're like, this is what people ingest.

If they did that with the amount of bread I eat in a year, I mean, bagels alone would fill a room. Oh, you know me.
You know me. I'm counting down the days to Bagel Thursday.
We are 48 hours away, my friends. I remember telling you one day, why do you have Bagel Thursdays when you have Bagel every day? And that's what I have now.
It's so special. Listen, I would love a bagel.
today i had a breakfast burrito my my breakfast rituals are that at the start of the recording week i go to phil's coffee my favorite and uh well that and blue bottle and i get a breakfast burrito there and then i do like then i'll today is a tuesday because we don't there's no shows on for monday so my phil's has been delayed till t. And then in between the Phil's day and in between Bagel Thursday, I usually make a smoothie, and then I have cereal.
And then Friday, who knows, it's a wild card day. I like that you have all these scheduled out.
That's cute. It actually makes the mornings really fun if you're like, oh, good, today's smoothie day.
Although it's like, it's pretty lax. Like sometimes smoothie day is sometimes it's Wednesday.
Sometimes it's Tuesday. And yeah, it's, I don't do much.
So this is exciting for me. What's your thing of the day that you do? I love that.
I got out of bed today. I love that.
That was on my to-do list. I was like, get up.
So, I did that.

So, now it's time.

And Selene is gossiping with Barbara.

And she's like, oh, Jess told me today, I'm not going to speak to you on charter.

She did that because she's scared.

If I'm too distracted, I'm going to get fired.

I'm like, fuck, you're not my mom, you know?

You're not my mom.

And if you were my mom, maybe I would date you. much i like them oh god so jess is like this whole situation between me and barbara and me and so so i don't know i think i was caring more about my feelings than other people's and i don't think it's right relationships have never affected my work so you think you can escape it i don't care jess i don't care i don't care anymore okay you were being a fuck boy you're being a fuck girl you messed up move on because you're not revealing anything exciting about the human condition at this point just shut the fuck up and scrub the floor she is so charming but she's like so charming of a person that I crack up whenever she does these confessionals because I actually like start feeling bad for her, the way she's talking.
It's like, oh, I made my own bad decision and now I've hurt someone and I shouldn't do that because blah, blah, blah. Like, oh my God, she's so sweet.
And then I remember, no, she's not sweet. Why are you crying over your own asshole-ishness? I love it.
It's like, I'm such a good person because I'm realizing how selfish I was. You would make out with that girl in two seconds.
You really would. If you had the chance.
Now stop it. Yeah, this is all bullshit.
I mean, I do appreciate, like, she's sort of trying to be introspective as opposed to many of the other, you know, fuck boys we've seen on Bravo for years and years.

But like I'm over it.

Like the introspection is not that interesting or deep.

So just like, you know, just just just do something else.

Like literally talk about anything else.

Please tell us about the bagels you're eating.

I just don't want to hear about this.

Yeah, fill a room.

Yeah, Jess. What do you do on Thursdays? What's your thing? You know, when do you eat your fruity pebbles? I realized when I was eating the English muffin, I wasn't thinking about the bagel in that moment.
It's like, oh, Jess, come on. I did feel like that because there's some old tortillas in the back of my cabinet and they're like all moldy and I had to throw them away and I was like, you guys so ignored i'm so sorry yeah it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial searching for a romantic summer getaway escape with rich girl summer the new audible original from lily chu the exquisitely talented philippa sue returning to narrate her fifth Lily Chu title.

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So Michelle, we're back with the guests.

And Michelle's like, I can't believe the way you handled Callie.

I mean, guys, the captain, he was like, hey, we can go talk.

Then he pushes her in the room and locks the door.

I mean, come on, that shit was funny.

And Alan's like, you actually helped her from ruining my guest's time.

I want to thank you again

from a true mafia princess.

I want to thank you again.

You, me, like family.

Let's go for a drive.

It's like, oh, I'm not falling for that one.

I'm not falling for that. My gratitude will be reflected in our tip so then anthony's like hello everyone welcome to tasting here we have mushroom velote just like my daddy liked it like oh great he's like and now here comes uh deconstructed tomato caprese which by the way i think is i mean of all the things that can be deconstructed, a tomato caprese is pretty simple.

I guess that works.

But also, why does it need to be deconstructed?

Like, why?

A tomato caprese is already deconstructed.

It's already deconstructed.

It's tomatoes and mozzarella.

There's nothing to deconstruct, sir.

It's a deconstructed sauce, basically.

Sauce!

So then, Fraser tells Anthony that everything has been very good. It's ridiculous.
I know. He's had to construct that granola.
And Anthony's working on his quiche. So he serves his mini quiche straight out of 1991.
And Helen's like, this is outstanding. And then Jennifer, who's our favorite, goes, you know what? I'm going to cook for you, Helen.
I'm going to cook for you a typical Sunday sauce when you come over. And Frank is like, it's called Sunday gravy.
There's no gravy. It's gravy.
It's gravy. It's sauce.
It's gravy. It's what it is.
It's gravy. Well, gravy is brown.
What kind of Italian are you? The kind married to a woman who serves me brown gravy. That's a kind.
Of course it's sauce. You know what? He doesn't understand the difference between sauce and gravy, but guess what? I love him.
I love him anyway. I love him.
I'll never let him go. I'll never let him go.
For our next course, we have Chilean T-Bass on bed puree with some mango on top and risotto and a spawagoo. And Helen's like, whoa, you know, he's trying to keep it a tight ship over here.
And for this course, we have a ribeye with milfew potato, roasted carrot. Swell.
I said, thank you. Maybe I'll do it.
By the way, next course, Twama, my father. My father's, I miss him him so i miss him so much turning but i don't know if while we're on this discussion of sauce i don't know if many people know this but the original name for chilean sea bass is patagonian toothfish i learned that somewhere along Okay, continue.
That's why I'll always follow Ben Mandelker. Teaches me such good things.
Everyone on this chart is following him, right? Ben Mandelker. Please follow his sub stack.
Delicious recipes. And guess what he's got a recipe for? Sauce, Frank.
Sauce, not gravy, all right? Sauce. And Richard's like, this right here is what you would find at a Michelin star restaurant.
You know what you wouldn't find, Richard? Your highlights. Okay? These people would go to a Michelin star restaurant and expect to get tires.
What? It's in the name. It literally is.
That's where it came from. I know.
Well, anywho. They need to change that.
A Michelin star where it came from i know well anywho they need to change that a michelin star it came from tires saying why was that again because michelin stars where you could get your what was it i forget what it was because when people were like learning how to drive well like you know when cars were new when cars were like a thing michelin who does tires, would release these guides for people when they're driving along

to be like, hey,

now that there's this thing called roads,

there's roadside attractions,

and there's also restaurants,

and if you're going to be driving along

on what used to be

a brown piece of dirt pile road,

now there's a restaurant there,

so which ones should you go to?

We're going to tell you.

Basically, they were like, let's take advantage of our new roadside culture and here's our guide yeah wow um yeah so yeah they need to change it so hugo is checking on celine and she's very stressed you know who's not stressed you go and he's stressing me out though because he's kind of boring so richard is talking, you know, it's just, you know, the guest being hilarious. Richard's like, you look like a naughty school teacher.
And Jennifer's like, I do. Here's some pearls to shove up your ass.
That was a very aggressive yes and on her part. Everyone, for the next course like to call love passion and champagne up your ass it's basically like a chocolate covered strawberry and like some cheese and it was kind of it was kind of giving like american airlines you know uh like comfort plus meal.
Yeah, and so is that i love passion champagne it was not like the height of michelin gourmet desserts yeah uh so then jess is like well richard doesn't speak very much eh and dame was like he sure didn't speak much when still he had his hands all over Helen Hoey's Hoey ha-ha's. Helen Hoey's ha-ha's.
Hoey ha-ha. Her name is Helen Hoey? Her name is Helen.
Oh my gosh, Helen. Girl, that's so on the nose.
I went to school. I had a very good friend named Andy Hoey.
And? He wasn't very Hoey, though. He was actually delightful.
Well, I mean, not that you can be Hoey and delightful, but he was saying he wasn't very Hoey, period. Also, he was delightful.
Ronnie Benji. We should just come up with just like the most.
Benny Hunchback-y.

Ronnie Bette Midler-Postury.

We just need to come up with like the most obvious descriptive names.

Oh, my God.

I think my package is here.

I'm so excited.

Oh, do you need to get it?

No, I don't need to get it.

I can see it outside.

I can see the guy trying to figure out if he's going to bring it up all the stairs or if he's going to be lazy and just leave it in the driveway he's choosing the lazy we just wrap up this recap real quickly okay kyle kyle had sex in the bathroom kyle bragged about having sex with helen then took it all back to save his job uh and then he saved his job but we all know he still fucked her okay thanks everyone for being here on watch what happens ronnie has a package pickup we'll see you you in the next episode bye he chose the lazy way and then his cart fell over and now he's still staring at the package trying to decide if he wants to brave the stairs are you gonna do it does god love you god is gonna love you more if you bring it up the stairs sir he's still thinking now he's looking at his phone i think he can probably hear me too he's probably like you mother do it do it oh no he's leaving he's like fuck's leaving. He's like, fuck this.
I don't get paid enough for this.

You know what?

I don't blame you, sir.

I don't blame you.

And thank you for bringing it all the way up the hill.

You adorable person.

He hates me.

Okay, so Anthony is like, okay, now for next course.

Finally, we have chocolate, coconut, milk, ganache.

You get two desserts?

That's a lot of cheese and shit. Yeah.
he just served with cheese and chocolate and now coconut chocolate coconut milk ganache yeah you know what yeah that's nice it's nice i do love a cheese course i'm not gonna lie um which is this is not what it is but i'm saying the last one was sort of one well you just to see captain's face with his big smile i happy. You know, when your entire childhood, you have people telling you you're going to be a loser your entire life.
Then you dip a strawberry in chocolate and you realize you are not a loser. You are creator.
You make the most basic of basic shit. And now you're fucking bad-ass shit.
So Helen is like, this was a panty dropping dinner speaking of panties this is for you captain and these are real pearls on these panties so she puts a thong over his head she's like by the way I don't know if anyone notices but Kyle has been sitting under me this entire these panties are off that's what the panties are here. The heirloom panties.
What is that? Were they grown a long time ago? It was an heirloom panty. Were they your grandmothers? Get that shit off me.
I don't want something on my head called heirloom panties. Can I have some new panties? I want some nouveau panties.
How about that? Well't don't forget that these people run a lingerie business and since they apparently are very italian i would not be surprised if like the name of this skew this panty skew is heirloom like they've named each different like panty after a different tomato these are roma panties these are beefsteak panties These are sauce panties Those are Roma panties. These are beefsteak panties.
These are sauce panties. Those are gravy panties.
God damn it, Frank. So the carrier is just like, well, it's the least I can do.
They've had a terrible shot. I can at least put some panties on my head.
Adventure! So he goes down to the galley and compliments Anthony and

he's like, good job, Anthony. He goes,

oh my God, I wish my dad could be here to hear

this. I wish he could be here.

Dad, he told me, good job.

Somewhere up there, my dad is saying,

your pattern is too soft. You fat

dyslexic loser.

Let me see. Well,

let me tell you one thing.

Baban guru dior yyo. You did his prayer.
So, Anthony is touched. So, now they're setting up a party for the guys because it's pajama party time.
Guess who? Nobody wants to see. Guess what? Nobody wants to see any of these people in pajamas.
Nobody. No lingerie for you.
Okay. Here's what I want your company to move over into.
Robes. Moo-moos.
Have a moo-moo party. Okay.
Oh, you know what would be a great party for this group? Go into your rooms and go to sleep party. I think that would be great.
That's a great idea for them. How about cotillion party? How about cotillion? How about go home party? How about manners? How about a sauce party? So they have a pajama party.
Sauce, Frank, sauce. So they have a pajama party where they wind up doing a pillow fight and feathers come out everywhere I don't know like I think you can have a pajama party without a pillow fight and if you're having a pillow fight I think you can have a pillow fight without the feathers coming out everywhere I didn't see this as a necessary component to the experience and I just was angry because it looked like hell to clean up but it was fun because it was rainbow doing it and i really thought this was leading into a rainbow breakdown because they were playing the rainbow breakdown music which is like oh my sister my sister island coming up island coming up oh my god don't make me get off the boat but um it wasn't she was just like i do work and then you die you You work until you die.
That's all I do is work until I die.

And Fraser's like, oh, I don't even

know where to begin, so I'm gonna begin

by leaving you and not helping you

with this. And she's like, don't worry about it.

I've got it. Don't even stress.

I'm on it. Me.
Me who

does everything.

Yeah, and I thought this was totally setting her up to have

like a panic attack where she'd be like,

hey, Selene, could you just help me with like cleaning up one little corner? And Selene would be like, No. And I thought it'd be a whole thing.
But it's just her and Damo cleaning up. I mean, Selene does a little.
She helps a little bit. Selene does some vacuuming, mainly the feather that winds up in her boobs.
That's pretty much all she does. She does vacuum her boobs.
Yes, she does vacuum her boobs. And Rainbow goes, We until we die and then goes not me and goes to bed so um it's the next day final day of charter and kyle is you ready to go tonight you're ready for my drink for my birthday tomorrow so barbara's like i know how's everything with solene she's like oh he's like oh i don't want anything to do there you can't be saying oh i like jess and then 20 minutes later flashback to her making out with demo right am i right i'm actually going to i'm actually going to prompt the flashback to the producers i don't like that at all it's like a little bit of an ick for me oh that's an ick for you oh wow and he's the walking ick you are the ickiest fucking person and you you know what at least she chooses people kind of hot you know like when you're making out with someone you're like oh wow that person made out with me they're so hot and then you see them make out with all these ugly people and you're like oh they're just i'm nothing special they're just really slutty today that how I feel with Kyle.
It's like, at least she gets like cuter people so you don't feel bad about it, if that makes any sense. You know? You don't feel devalued by her choices, Kyle.
Right. Jeez.
I know, Kyle. Kyle talking about an ick when he's literally like a walking used Swiffer pad.
So Barbara's like, but I know something, she's not the bad person. Like, I think that she doesn't know about consequence.
Like, we cannot just go into people's lives and just fuck everything up because we don't care. Like, and just know it's not nice.
It's not nice. That's like Barbara's tagline.
Anything is on like a scale of nice to not nice with her. That's nice.
That's not nice. It's not nice.
It's not nice. I like it.
I'm like, I'm into a very black and white way to look at the world nice not nice you suck you don't suck so time to get the anchor up let's get the anchor up anchor anchor anchor anchor anchor anchor anchor anchor I just want to say I apologize to the anchor because my decisions might not just get the anchor off, go damn it.

I start to realize that

I was thinking about my thoughts instead

of the anchor.

Who cares, Jis?

He was like, bridge is open.

We're going in. Knocking on the door,

leaving some pamphlets. That's for you, Mom.

Okay, port side,

maintaining 40 meters. Looking good.

40 meters, 35 meters. We're doing it.
We're doing it. God damn it, we did it! So they dock, and then the guests all leave and say goodbye.
And Helen's like, and by the way, thanks again to Kyle for letting me use him as a flotation device. I think the other way around.
Yeah, I know. Right.
So she thanks him and kisses him on the cheek, but she kisses also like Fraser on the cheek. And she's like, oh my God, my, my boots.
I forgot my boots. So then they all carries like, all right, everyone.
Thanks for working on. Let's get into our off charter uniforms.
All everyone adventure uniforms so they change yes and rainbow is checking in with jess about her crush on barbara she's like oh she hates me my own decisions have stymied me again instead of just apologizing should i be like would you like to go on a date with me i'm better with my face than i am with my words and so you know just gives another monologue about blah blah blah you know selaine you know she's upset with selaine which of course she is which is why she's going to give barbara attention now so she feels like she's just a game to selaine and barbara's just a game to her but she's going to play Barbara for a while. So, just,

you do realize that you the whole reason why barbara's in this mess is because you were playing a game with solane right like i like just like oh solane just a game player no i i'm not i'm not going to fall for games anymore you were the one who played the game you were the one who actively kissed barbara to make solane jealous and bring selene back to you from the full into the fold and actually you're kind of being worse than selene because you actually banged selene and now you're ignoring her i mean that's like a typical move like you wait to finally get get it in there and then you then you dump her us you know you're actually becoming worse than her at this point ma'am yeah exactly so jess is telling rainbow that um she's like well i don't want to disrespect solane because she said that she's done and she didn't say it in those words that i'm done but she said it in some words she said many words you know people use lots of us okay yes um well to be fair you did tell her you had a crush and then jumped into bed with another girl. So that's on you, girl.
And she's like, yes, I did do that. Like, I'm not saying it was a good thing, but like for me, I understand where I went wrong.
I'm like, I cannot deal with any more of Jess's existential crisis. Like, I just need this story to wrap up.
Yeah. So I need for all of this cast to wrap up, Especially Kyle.
Because God knows what's getting in there. You know? Have you seen any billboards? You remember the ones they used to have in LA that were like syphilis? God's syphilis? Yeah.
Syphilis explosion. Yeah.
Wrap it up. So alright guys.
This charter first day was a big day for all of us dealing with that lady but listen everyone came together literally from what i've heard all right let's see what we've got here 22 000 and everyone's like hey it's been worse it could have been contessa it could have been contest it could have. It could have been Contessa or the gays.
Or the gays, yes. Yeah, the gays were worse than Contessa.
22,000 isn't the worst they've gotten. They're all acting like it is.
What is the average, would you say, this season? Like 25? Yeah, 25. I think it's because they worked hard.
It was a long charter. But, you know, I'm assuming the tip is lower because they were down a person um but it is sort of shitty because like i i personally would have tipped more because i just out of embarrassment for the person that i brought onto the boat but i guess they were not thinking that way so they it's time to go cleaning and cleaning and they're doing the cleaning and now it's time to go out and.
And so they're going to be celebrating Kyle's birthday. Kyle and Dama are in kilts.
And, of course, Kyle's happy because he gets the free ball around. And, you know, I wore a kilt once when I was in the 10th grade production of Brigadoon.
And I will say, well, I wore underwear first and foremost. I was not about to scan.
Ah, what a poser. What a poser.
Harry to know his wears underwear everyone knows that yet and brigadine but um uh it was fun i actually really enjoyed wearing a kilt well you can do it every day you know it'll get you i guess i could look how look how i could you know like i could eat a bagel and wear a kilt every day if i want to. You could.
Live the life you want, you know?

So now people are getting dressed to go out.

And Hugo's like, wow, you saw this gentleman putting on the shoe of Helen, right?

I mean, that was service.

And Carl's like, oh, Helen Tripp, I fucked Helen in the water.

I'm like, what?

And Anthony goes, what?

What did he say?

He fucked the primary? Did he deconstruct her marzipan? Was he dipping the strawberry in the chocolate? So, I swear to God, the idea, the whole flotation device, she had an idea in her brain, and she knew what she wanted. I swear to God.
God, listen to him taking the piss out of that situation.

It's so blatantly obvious.

He's joking.

And Hugo isn't sure if this is true.

And he does not want to know.

And Kyle's like, my dick went inside her pussy.

And I was like, we can't do this right now, Helen.

And someone goes, so did you put a condom?

Oh, la la, no condom.

Oh, la la, oh my God.

No, no, no, no, no.

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Don't you think they would have gotten his little wiener going in there? I don't think so.'t think so i think i think kyle is bragging right now because he thinks he's it's safe to brag and he's drunk and i i think he's like he's he's to me he's blatantly caught this episode so i think he's bragging right now and by the way i think that hugo as his supervisor kind of um dropped the ball here because he should have sat down kyle and said listen uh what you said before in the van i need

to know if you were joking or not and said he just sort of like laughed it off it's like because

frazier was the one who actually wound up having to escalate it and which he actually should have

done later on and it really should have been hugo so that is my thought on frazier didn't really

he just made someone else do it so he wouldn't get him in yeah but he was like look this is gonna have to go to the captain and that and that should have been hugo's response because it was his department and he heard it firsthand yeah kyle's an idiot um so kyle's like yeah you know yeah so he says my dick went in her pussy so super classy. And then Jess in the other van, I guess we go to dinner now, right? So they're asking for a special cake for Kyle's birthday and all that good stuff.
And then Jess is sitting next to Solaine, which is a bad idea. And Solaine's trying to flirt with her.
And Jess is like, no, I just want to have fun. I'm cutting you off.
And she's like, oh, maybe I'll be more easy now. Like, all I have to do is bite you.
And then you're done. I'm done.
You know, I bite you. It's finished.
Nothing anymore. And she's like, no, no, no.
You don't bite me. Look, I'm showing respect for Barbara.
Look at that. Barbara.
So then Kyle sees like a lady at the bar who looks sort of like that New Jersey redhead from last season who got with harry and uh he basically the timer goes off a countdown to them hooking up he gets up he goes to the bar and he's like mom i'm sorry i'm just gonna have to interrupt here i cannot come and say hello i cannot come and not say hello to you here at the bar and she's like so where are you from he's like scotland can you Like, can you not fucking are in? I'm like, where are you from? Like, can't you tell if I'm from Scotland? So she's from Boston. They talk for about three seconds and then start to make out.
Yeah, he's already kind of fall down drunk. And she just takes one look at the camera and she's like, I'm going to fuck this guy.
She's like, I'm going to fuck this guy on camera. I don't even know what show he's on.
I'm going to fuck him on camera. Let's do this.
She's like, it's my last night in St. Martin and I want to get banged.
So let's do it. Come on, let's go Scottish.
Yeah, so she does. She makes out and then everybody's watching and Celine's like, oh, they're kissing.
Look at that. Ooh la la.
And Hugo asks if she's jealous. And she says, of course not.
Of course not. But that's not true because we see her sucking on her straw very hard and angrily.
She's like, I cannot believe. I cannot believe.
I don't understand why Solaine is so confused about everybody being mildly into her. When they call you so-so, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Yeah it's in the name so martine and kyle go off to a beach to have sex and looks like they have sex because you see it's all silhouetted and he's like i'm naked on this under this guilt i'm naked she's like oh i really like you do you like me yeah you're very attractive so they're all eating they're all eating dinner. And Kyle's nice dinner arrives.
He's just not there. They're all laughing.
The spark was going off. And then Martine and Kyle then relocate from the beach to just a shitty, shitty public bathroom instead.
Yeah, they're just being in the bathroom. So then Fraser and Jess, you know fraser's like would you like to talk outside possibly on the beach but kyle just went so i can tattle on him later and she's like okay sure i will talk let me tell you about my feelings about what i've done to barbara he's like oh my god please please stop my head's hurting so he tells her to stop fucking with barbara it's not a game and if she's gonna keep flirting with so-so because she's like but she's so pretty and he's like oh my god stop being so fucking shallow but i'm thinking about barbara it's like okay with barbara it's not a game and if you're going to continue with so-so then forget barbara simple as that.
So if I continue with Soso, I can also

continue with Barbara. No.

It's Soso or

Barbara. Soso and

Barbara. Okay, got it.

We just got a text from our friend Sosa.

Isn't that crazy?

I mean, talking Soso, Sosa. Hey, Sosa,

we're talking about Sosa right now.

That is actually hilarious.

Oh my god.

So Rainbow is like, bro still he's still gone and Fraser's like well I'm gonna go to the bathroom so of course he sees a camera crew out there so he's gonna go inspect to see what he finds and it's Kyle fucking this girl and he pulls Jess into here and we hear Martineine is the girl she's like i love you and he's like i love you as well look at you just look at you oh you've got the urinal puck in your mouth you might want to leave that here and then she goes she goes smell you later which is probably an accurate thing to say considering they just point in the in the men's lap role um so then they just separate and uh meanwhile jess takes a picture she's like she opens the door and takes a picture of it which i don't know some shows are so not cool like this it's okay some shows people are fine with it like this and some people are, that is revenge porn. You are fired.
Fired forever. They're on international waters.
I just think it's immature. I'm like, just let them have sex.
Okay. If we want to see it documented, don't worry.
It is all being documented. I was like, how could she document them having sex as I watched them having sex? Well, the camera crew didn't get them having sex.
Just she did. No, not really.
really camera crew stayed out of there but it was pretty quick it was it was largely harmless to be honest and yes they go back to the table and Fraser is like but I just found him fucking a woman in the bathroom floor and Barbara's like but how which position that is not nice it's not nice and is like, you think I wouldn't document? Let me show it to you.

And by taking this photo,

it proves how much I love you, Barbara.

So they look at this picture

and you just see like,

it's actually pretty,

it's a benign photo.

You just sort of see some legs and whatever.

Some legs in the air

while Kyle's on top of her in his kilt.

So then everybody,

Kyle comes back into the restaurant with this girl

All right. legs and whatever.
Some legs in the air while Kyle's on top of her in his kilt. So then everybody, Kyle comes back into the restaurant with this girl and everybody starts applauding them and the girl's like, thank you, thank you, that's right, thank you.
And then she goes back to the bar and her friend is there and she's like, oh my God, are you okay? She's wiping off her back. Just like two feet away from everyone.
I loved the brazenness of it all. I thought it was great.
It it was great it was like whatever they wanted to fuck they fucked but also the girl i love that the girl's like yeah that that's why i always carry a side uh tight stick martine so i always carry a tarp in my purse um but then kyle like his shirt is open it's inside out i wonder if it's inside i don't know why i'd be i don't know what's going on but um uh he sits down his hair is like in going in every single direction like he also has a look on his face to his credit like kyle after he's fucked his face just looks different it's like a different color like like it's like his eyeballs down by his mouth or something like his nose is on his forehead he's all scrambled up after he's also just wasted you know he's like fall down drunk. And so, he's eating his eyeball is down by his mouth or something.
Like his nose is on his forehead. He's all scrambled up after his husband.
He's also just wasted. You know, he's like fall down drunk.
And so he's eating his steak and smiling at everybody. Like he just wins something.
Everyone's grossed out. And Selene's like, when you came back from your sex with your women of tonight.
And he's like, right. And she goes, oh, so now they go to the jacuzzi.
So they go back to the place. Okay and they get in the jacuzzi it's kyle and solane and she's like so when you come back from your sex with your woman of tonight and you were like she's she was better than you that's not polite to say why would you say this in front of all the people and uh he's like well so it's probably not polite but i never said i'm a good person i don't think i'm a good Parson.
Yeah. Now he's doing the whole, look I never said I'm a good person.
I don't think I'm a good person.

Yeah. Now he's doing the whole, look at me.

I'm just a drunk.

I'm just a drunk sex addict.

How could anybody like me?

Nobody could possibly like me.

I'm just a gigolo.

And everywhere I go, people never care about me.

Yeah, he's doing this.

Because when he came back to the table, he was like, yeah, it was better than you selene which was a dick move and unnecessary and so now he's doing the thing like yeah i was rude but i never said i was a good person in the first place which feels very like 1994 like real world you know and so selene is like i do think it's rude i was like why is he caring he's like well maybe i'm rude maybe that's what i am so why does that bother you like you don't care so you don't care and she's and she's like well i know it's like maybe now it's finished like maybe you are not good people with me he's like whatever we had was whatever i don't want to know you anymore i want nothing to do with you but think about all the stray people catching or all the people catching

straight like horniness on this show just from selene and kyle i mean these two are flirting with each other so she wants to make him jealous so then she makes out with jess and then she was just kind of an innocent stander by and then jess wants to make her jealous so she gives some to Barbara, and then she wants to make Barbara jealous, so she gives it to Selene again. Then Kyle gets mad at Selene, so he gives it to this other girl.
I mean, there are so many passerbys just catching stray sex because of these people trying to fuck, revenge fuck other people. It's kind of amazing.
I know. You know, as they say in turkey i love stray sex cats cats the cats of cats stray sex i mean so then um they kind of get into it and he's trying to he's all riled up and obviously very hurt by selene but she's like whatever and she says well maybe well you're not good people with me and he's like whatever we had was whatever i don't want to know you anymore i want nothing to do with you okay well you know you've already had sex with like two full other people today.
And you didn't have any chance with her anyway. Why are you acting like you broke up with her? She already dumped you.
You were the one who was pursuing her. She wasn't pursuing you.
Like, she's just not that into you. So why are you making it seem like you're dumping her? But she's no innocent either.
I mean, she did look all upset when he was doing all this stuff with the other girl like she had some claim and her you know her thing about just needing people to be attracted to her or she gets mad and then she fucks over every single person but then cries it's bizarre it's bizarre it needs help she needs help on a serious she she does need help um so now uh it's 12, it's 1252 AM and Jess is like, Barbara, can I talk to you? Like, Oh God, here we go. Earlier.
I spoke with Fraser, like we had dinner and stuff. And obviously Soso and I were super touchy and he called me out.
He was like, if you want something, the way that you're acting is really not showing that and i agree with him 100 even if nothing happens between us like me and so so are done you were just touching with her like two hours ago and someone else had to tell you you better stop like you didn't even come to that realization yourself and now you're like we are totally done jess i swear to god like just throw yourself off the boat at this point yeah this isn't cool and i don't like that barbara fell for this because she's gonna just keep doing it over and over again she's acting like she's never heard any of this before like i can't believe it do you know what fraser told me that if i'm flirting with someone but i want someone else that it doesn't look good isn't that crazy thankfully, I got that lesson. And now I realize I just want to be with you.
And me and Soso are completely done. Like, what? It was two hours ago you were flirting at the table.
You were just doing that. She's like, but, you know, I have hurt because I have feelings.
And so I don't know because you hurt me, but that was not nice. But then you're asking for date is nice.
So I'm going to go for nice because, you know, maybe you're not good. Maybe you're not nice, but at least you can buy me a steak.
So I'm going. I'm going to the date.
You know, it's not nice, but I am horny. So, okay, I'll go.
I was like, no, Barbara. Yeah.
No. Yeah.
Well, you know, as long as you just take the stake out of it, don't let yourself get hurt. But girl.
And also, it's just so not flattering, probably, to watch this back and hear somebody being like, yeah, you know, Barbara's nice, and I really like that she's actually gay, but God, Selena is really what I want. She's so beautiful.
But she's probably not a good decision. I should really go for the, you know, reliable Honda over the BMW that I'm really craving.
How flattering do you think that is for Barbara to hear, you know? Jesus. Yeah.
Well, we know because the Instagram wall makes its return.

And here's Barbara saying,

you know, I am her, but I do

have some feelings. Like, at the same time,

like, I don't think I am trusting her, you know?

So, like, say, like, okay, like,

when she's going to change her mind again, like, I think this

day, like, it's more about conversation, understand, like,

where are we, you know? Like, everyone

deserves a second chance, but, like, never try. Like,

if you never try, you never know. Like, okay, yeah, Ronnie's right's right you're in it for the free meal you can try to make it seem like you you're trying to like understand this woman better you understand what she's all about you know i also don't understand why this deserved an instagram wall this moment for her to be like hmm i don't know maybe she deserves a second chance because it was showing us that barbara has good friends you know barbara's instagram all i like because it's like look here's me at the pottery class you know i like that she's like i've i'm dancing with an older lesbian lady look and look at me i'm walking with a penguin you know it's like hers is somewhat interesting so i like it she's like look i've gardened a ficus grew it from a seed so the way i need to water that plant you gave me look how big it's getting that plant it's so big it's gotten here so big it's like so big yeah it's impressive you ever name it no you shouldn't maybe name it barbara ventry just call it my ben entry yeah ventry hello there.
This is a two part recap. Okay.
This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this.
Just come back a little later for part two. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors.
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