#2953 RHOM S7E8 Part 1: Two Ships Sassing in the Night

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Well, hello, and welcome to Watch What Crappins.

I'm Ronnie.

That's Ben.

Hello.

Hello,

Ben.

Hi, how are you, Ronnie?

Good.

One of my eyes healing up okay.

One of my eyes not healing up okay.

What the hell?

Am I going to be wonky-eyed for the rest of my life?

What's wrong?

Is it forever?

Look, this one's all swollen and purple still, and this one's not.

Well, maybe you got an infection or something.

Maybe she could just go to get it checked out.

I'm sure it's going to be a good one.

Oh, I had that done to Texas, so guess what?

I'm just praying.

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and get it.

Does it hurt though?

No.

Oh, if it doesn't hurt, then you're probably not infected.

It's probably just bruising.

Hey, it's like you're my own doctor.

That's what I always say to myself.

If you're not bleeding, don't go to the hospital.

Hell, even if you are bleeding, use a paper towel and some Velcro and close that shit up.

What are you going to do?

Yeah, I think if you were infected, you would feel something and it would be like really uncomfortable.

But if it's just bruising, it's just, you know, it's the body feeling.

Guess what?

I feel.

I feel nothing.

Everybody, welcome to the show.

Today is Real Housewives of Miami.

We're super excited, okay?

It was dueling yacht day, Real Housewives of Miami.

If you want to watch this on video, you can.

Just go over to Crappins on Demand, okay?

That's where we do these on video.

It's on our Patreon.

If you don't want to do that,

whatever.

You don't have to.

We're there for free a week later over on our YouTube channel.

Also, our bonus episodes are open on Patreon, up on Patreon.

And this week's is about our trip to Vegas, seeing Beyoncé, seeing back street boys, getting mad at hotels and airlines, you know, good stuff like that.

But today, here we are with the Real Housewives of Miami, season seven, episode eight, dueling yachts.

Yacht fight, yacht fight.

Yeah, I don't think we've ever seen this before on Bravo.

Two

two yachts chartered for one episode.

It's kind of amazing, actually.

It's funny because,

you know, I watched the screener for this week's Orange County right after this.

And really going from a show that just has like flush with colors and water, like beautiful turquoise water and palm fronds

and two separate yachts, and then going to like...

Newport Beach, it's an adjustment.

I have to say, it really is whiplash going from Miami to Orange County, but it also just is really more of a statement of how luxe this show is.

And I just don't know why anyone would sleep on it because this is the the luxury that we want from Bravo.

Yeah.

And you know, the beginning of this season, we saw Kiki talking about how she used to date a guy who had a yacht.

And that's why she, or what is he, like the head of the yacht club or something?

Yeah, she did mention that.

Yes.

So now she's like getting these yachts for her party episode, you know, but I guess the guy, whoever she's dating, I guess he's like, just take two smaller ones.

And I actually like that because it led to like fighting over two boats, which I thought was really really creative.

You know, we've already seen fighting on one boat.

And then with this cast, we saw fighting on the, on the pontoon thing in Mexico, which was, you know, classic.

So they're like, well, you know what?

How are we going to try and top this two boats?

Yeah, they really like putting their camera people on restricted boat spaces because there was no room on that boat in Mexico City.

And this one, because these boats were smaller yachts, we're used to below deck where those camera people can just travel on any deck without any issue.

But here you see them like trying to kind of like squeeze down the side of the boat as they're trying to, you know, follow the cast members with their water guns.

It was kind of funny.

Yeah, that was a good one.

So we open at Julian Martina's home, and there's, it's chaos.

You know, we just see birds squawking, elephants,

giraffes tearing down trees, rhinoceroses, you know, like beating down garage doors.

That's what they use is like a garage door opener, just like a rhinoceros.

And then kids running around, Martina trying to figure out what a Pop-Tart is, you know.

Yeah, yeah, it's pure chaos.

But luckily, they're wealthy.

These are wealthy lesbians who can afford a nanny.

So the nanny will take over now.

And instead, Julia and Martina go and look at the sunset together.

And Julia's like, you know, I have you, and we have each other, and we have boys, and we have girls.

And nothing in between.

Never betwixt shall they meet.

So Julia is like, right now, everything in my life and in Martina's life is about boys.

I was told boys are more active and they definitely are.

But year of grazing goat, make me prepared.

So yeah, we see the kids are, the boys are like in high chairs.

They're like flipping over things on the table.

It's just, it is chaos, as you said.

It is pure chaos.

There's like powder in the air.

Like things are flying everywhere.

It's madness.

So

then Martina's like, well, speaking of, we have to put them to sleep tonight.

Could you choose better terminology?

Oh, yes.

I'm talking about your goats.

I can't do all this.

Oh,

I'm still upset about Gertie and how she behaved yesterday at the event.

Okay, well, that has nothing to do with us putting the boys to bed, but sure, I guess you'll just change the subject.

Probably it's a good thing I didn't go to that because you know what I would have done.

I would have sat there cross-legged and given, you know, roly eye looks.

They watch out, ladies.

Martina's coming.

You're about to get Nevrotalovid.

I might have put out an extremely problematic tweet.

So Julie's like, oh, I saw Petty.

By the way, I left.

Ronnie,

are you supposed to be using that wand on your healing eye?

I'm trying to heal it with red light.

Ronnie,

don't.

Red light is healing.

This is how Jesus healed lepers.

Red light.

Red light wand.

I think don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

Well, it's not like oozing.

It's just like

if it's bruising is not,

it's just like bruising, you know?

I thought you're like vibrating on it.

You're vibrating on your bruise.

Well, isn't that it?

Isn't that what healers do?

They tap

you and they put heat on you.

I mean, I'm just, I'm the Reiki healer for myself from Vanderpump Rules.

Be nice to me.

I am not a doctor.

I'm not a doctor, but I am someone who watched Dr.

Nicole on this episode.

And I'm going to say, I don't think you should be fiddling with that eye.

Just let it heal on its own.

Well, it's just been right.

Dude, do your forehead.

Let's see my forehead episode.

You've got much more.

You can play around with all the rest of your face, but not that eye.

Just let that eye do its thing.

Well, let's wait because by the end of the episode, look, my eye already looks better.

I'm telling you.

I just just fixed it, you guys.

Does it look better?

I think it does.

Oh, I don't know because I'm blind in this eye now.

So it was like

you've been putting red light into your eyeballs, and then you're like, wow, I can't see the red anymore.

Yeah.

You guys, if you think you look bad, you should blind yourself in one eye and you'll look tired.

I just

like staring into a light.

I can't see how far away I am from the screen.

I just solved it.

Okay.

So they're talking about how this whole, you know, Julia's doing her whole victim thing.

Like, oh, I'm so upset about Gerdy and how she behaved.

It's all so petty.

I left and Adriana wanted me to go hash it out with her.

And Martina's like, there is no hashing out.

There is no hashing out.

How dare she put up completely benign text that said nothing bad on a screen.

Hashtag no hashing.

So Julia is like, well, after having time to think about why Adriana didn't follow me, I'm starting to think that there's some sort of resentment towards me.

Like, maybe she doesn't like that I stop hanging out with her and hanging out with her mortal enemies.

Like, I don't know.

She's crazy like that.

Because now my friends are Marisol and Alexia, the cool girls, they've accepted me.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

I love that Julia is so confused.

She's like, maybe Adriana's resentful.

Yeah, maybe she is, because you dropped her like a bag of hot potatoes.

A bag of hot potatoes?

You dropped her like a...

Yeah, I would drop that.

I don't even want to drop a...

Imagine a single potato is bad enough, but a bag of them.

And I'm assuming the bag's not insulated, right?

It's just a mash bag with all the heat where you just touch all those hot surfaces.

Yeah.

But I mean, a bag of hot potatoes isn't bad because at least you're not like burning your hand.

I mean, the point is it's a hot potato, but it's not in a bag.

I mean, I could take a hot potato in a bag.

Why did you put your hot potato in the bag in the first place?

That's not.

To deliver it, man.

How else are you going to do her dash?

Got to make the mortgage.

So, anyway, she dropped her like a poopy diaper, like a bad habit.

Yeah, Julia.

Julia's just shocked.

She's treating everybody like shit.

And then now, all of a sudden, they don't like her anymore.

Hi, I'm your friend.

Consequences, you dumb, stupid Julia.

Even I don't like you, Julia.

And I used to love you.

I love Julia.

And I'm so

don't like the goat anymore.

Just kidding.

I don't like the goat.

I still like the goat.

I still like the goat.

I like the disagreement.

I agree with everything you say.

I'm going to copycat you the whole rest of the episode.

Question:

Is there any coming back from Julia?

Because, like, we loved Julia for the longest time, and now she's taking this turn.

You know, I know every season people like you hate someone one season, you love them the next season.

But this season has shown like a social, climy side of Julia, like a side that really was not there.

And I'm wondering, like, with a good edit next season or like walking things back,

we really like Julia again?

Or has that ship sailed?

I saw her on Watch Happens live last night and she's like, Gertie, I would love to talk to you and I would love to settle this

reunion.

Please, Gerdy, please come back to me, Gertie.

Oh, really?

Because you've been making snotty little comments all over your Instagram and making little laughy emojis when people are on your side about throwing water on her and everything else.

So your apologies, bullshit, okay?

And it's too late.

And did you see the interviews with Gertie that have been going around this week where she's talking about how this boat thing happened even before the last reunion?

I mean, it was forever ago.

So Julia had no problem.

She still stood up for her all reunion, had no problem with it until she needed a storyline to be on Mari Soul and Alexia's side.

Shame.

Shame on you.

Shame, shame.

Shame on you.

Gertie has been playing.

She's been.

Oh my God, this happened a year ago.

And that's when then she comes at me at the party.

That's why I'm looking like, am i in the truman show am i in the truman show right now i'm looking around at the cameras like what

what

i like this like puppet thing you're doing there that's very muppet very muppet coded that's how she's that's how she is she is muppety let's be honest

but Do you think there's coming back from Jewel for Julia?

Do you think she could have a good edit next season and we embrace her again?

Or do you think she has been forever tarnished?

I mean, you know look julia is like a wackadoo i think as long as she keeps goats and wackiness in her life she'll be fine but the only coming back for me like if she goes up to her wife and says stop your bullshit racist uh homophobic nasty tweeting and

nasty

stop acting like a fucking asshole and embarrassing me all over the place and uh behave yourself i mean it would have to start there like it would have to start even beyond the gurdy stuff as far as the gurdy stuff i think she can only heal herself if she realizes that who she she is fighting for are evil.

You know, like Alexia and Marisol are very funny.

I would never say like, get rid of them.

I think they're

an integral part of the show, but they're evil and you cannot side with evil.

So I hope it's like one of the movies where you side with evil and then you realize that you've sided with evil and then you do the right thing and you defeat evil.

You know, something like that.

But otherwise, no.

I don't think Alexia and Marisol are evil

because we've seen evil on these shows before and they're just Alexia and Marisol.

What I do think, though, is that they're evil to Adriana.

And I think that Julia, and they are their own clique, and I think Julia has exposed like some sort of pick-me energy with them.

And she's abandoned her friend.

Now, is her friend unstable and also actually quite terrible

in and of herself?

Yes.

Yes, she is.

Did she just leave one like flaming pile of garbage for another?

Perhaps.

But still, I think it was like, I do think that like Adriana and Julia had a real bond, and it's sad to see her lead that.

Now, of course, there's also, you could make an argument, here comes a classic Ben flip-flop slightly, it's not really a flip-flop, but I'm just like adding, like, acknowledging a point.

So that way, I just acknowledge it, which is that,

like, being friends with Adriana is probably really annoying.

And like, if Adriana should have also just been like, cool, be friends with him.

That's okay.

But I think the issue is that Julia also ditched Adriana in the process.

I mean, both of them are so territorial, Alexia and Adriana.

So, you know, Alexia was probably not down for Julia to hang out unless she ditched Adriana.

And Adriana is not going to be happy with Julia unless she ditches Alexia.

So, you know, damned if you do, damned if you don't, but you might as well just stick with the devil you know, right?

And what am I even saying?

Am I arguing anything at this point?

Am I just talking?

Yeah, no, I'm listening to you.

But I think

part of the Adriana thing is that she's got her own karma from the Leah season because Leah brought Adriana onto this show.

She got her cast on this show.

And then Adriana turned on her to be friends with the popular girls.

Remember, she was making her stab at going against Leah to get the favor of Mary Soul and Alexia and all of them.

So she's already done that.

I mean, that was years and years ago, obviously.

But this is kind of her karma coming to fruition.

So then she gets this other lady on the show, and this other lady does the exact same thing to her.

She dumps her literally for no reason just to go to these other ladies and be popular and it's you know the cycle continues it's a circle of life it's a circle

of life

It does.

And I am in no way supporting Julia and the way she just dropped Adriana and just like fled to the cool girls.

But what I am going to say is that there is a part of me that can understand that you've come onto this show and you're stuck at like the shit table with Adriana, like season after season.

And it's only because Adriana can't like act like a grown-up sometimes.

Like she's like, really like an impetulent child all the time.

And Julia's kind of like, I'm sick of sitting at the kiddie table.

I want to do more fun things.

I want to go to more parties.

I want to hang out with other people.

So I, in some ways, I can actually kind of understand it, but I still think it's really shitty.

I think there's a way to like make new friends and keep the old, you know?

And I think that Julia

has done it in a social climby way instead of a,

hey, I want to have more of this like a fuller experience on this show and isn't it funny how she ended up getting away from petulant adriana by acting petulant to be in with the other ladies yes like throwing water on somebody

throwing a fit for no reason she's going petulant to be friends with the other ladies to avoid the petulant person it's like

it's like miami logic is so it's mind it's mind-boggling miami logic is mind-boggling and it's a great reminder of how great this show is it's so wonderful

There's so much going on.

So anyway,

Julia is still talking.

And she's like, I closed my eyes and I thought about it for a second, the party.

And I just,

when she humiliated me, I just walked back in because I just had one question for Gerdi.

So one night earlier, she goes...

up to she goes up to gertie and she goes what was the point of you doing this and gurdy's like well you promised you said to me gertie what i will do is i'm going to say this get your fingers out of my face like you normally do.

You are

not.

You're not listening.

You're not listening.

Okay, what are you doing?

No, I have I have 10 fingers and I will use them and I'll point them in any direction I want to because these fingers, it's my party for my fingers.

This is a party for fingers and fingers can point in every direction, up, down, left, right, in directions you don't even know about.

Humankind doesn't even understand these directions because they're in different dimensions and I get to use them.

So what are you here for?

Go home, girl by.

No class coming here with sneakers on while I humiliate you with text messages.

I don't think you're allowed to yell at lesbians for wearing sneakers.

I will say that.

I'm on Gertie's side.

I'm on Gertie's side for this whole fight, but I think that lesbians have like fought for a long time for the right to wear sneakers places.

I'm just going to say that.

Yeah,

that's a fair point.

I also do love like Gertie, who has just gone out of her way to publicly humiliate Julia to then be like, oh, you have no class wearing sneakers.

At least dress formally while I humiliate you publicly.

And Martina's like, oh, well, I have sneakers.

I mean, I wore these sneakers.

These are real Chanel sneakers.

And I wore them to the royal box.

And they said, you can't come in with sneakers.

And I said, these are Chanel and I'm a lesbian.

And they said, fine.

And so I did.

So I was

in the royal box.

Yeah, you're also extremely rich and famous, you dumbass.

It's not like you were at the royal box for any other reason.

Yeah, exactly.

By the way, the royal box does sound like a lesbian bar.

So then we see, of course, Julia and Martina at Lake Wimbledon sitting behind Princess Kate and Megan Markle.

So then Julia's like, but Gerdi is not, whatever issues she could have with me, I apologize for the water.

I apologize.

And we see the apology and everything.

And she goes, I thought we were moving forward.

Progress was made.

She goes, not so much.

It's a serious thing when people have cancer and they survive it.

And we're celebrating the fact that they survive.

Because 20 years ago, ago it might have been a death sentence and that's that's what she does at her event i mean

you know perhaps on one point on one end you have a point but on the other other hand it's like what a way to what a way to celebrate being alive than using your platform to publicly humiliate a fellow real housewife that is living i don't like this whole like oh we have cancer so suddenly we have manners i mean i'm sorry do they put manners in chemo now get the fuck out of here with that if i had cancer and i overcame that shit guess what my response would be?

Fuck all of you guys.

You tried to take me down.

I'm still fucking here.

Now you're all going to have to hear it every fucking day of my life.

You know, I almost died before I got to tell you to fuck off.

How horrible would that have been?

I never fucking liked you.

Yeah,

that's living.

That's living.

That's how to go through cancer recovery, not with fucking manners.

Get out of here with your manners, talking your sneakers in the royal box anyway.

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Arabian Night style home under massive construction.

Let's go see Stephanie's extremely tacky house.

We knew this was coming.

We knew it was coming.

She's trying to untackify it, but I have bad news for you, Stephanie.

It's going to require a tear down.

It's in the bones of the house.

It's in the bones.

It's in the bones.

It's all over.

I just want to go to Yapcot Center.

Like, look, we're in a different world.

We're in Marlowe.

You go around the corner and they're selling like kebabs, and then you go around the other corner and they're selling like crepes.

And there's a guy in a beret.

No, I love that.

I actually love Epcot Center.

I do too.

Like, you're selling me.

I'm like, why don't we do a show at Epcot Center?

We should do that.

I

did do the drinking around the world in Epcot Center, and it was a blast.

I made a whole video and it was on YouTube for a while, but

it got taken down because I used like six seconds of Celine Dion in

the video.

And it's like copyright infringement.

Celine does not like me drinking around the world.

But I mean, I love Celine.

I'll do anything she says.

Yeah, I did drinking around the world too.

And the world, like a normal alcoholic.

Doesn't have to go to fucking Epcot to do it.

Well, Stephanie shows up and Larsa shows up.

And Stephanie's, welcome to my soon-to-be humble abode, Larsa.

She's like, wow, it's like a full-on construction site.

Like

that was good.

I mean, seriously.

So it's huge.

It's one of those, like, with giant doors.

You know, and in Texas, we have gigantic doors for no reason as well.

They're like, you know what we need in this house?

A 20-foot-tall door.

I don't know why, but you know what we should do in a place with heat that we can't keep out of our homes no matter how hard we try?

We should put garage doors as our front doors.

Okay.

So

it's one of those.

It's one of those.

And Stephanie's like, it's like a castle, right?

Right?

Like, it's like a castle.

She goes, yeah, it is a castle.

It is like a castle.

Like, it's not like a castle.

It's like a castle.

Like, wow.

Yeah, and Stephanie's like, yeah, for like a queen.

Excuse me, Porfavour.

Can we stop the construction for like two minutes, please?

You know that she intentionally had that guy there working so that way she could walk in and tell him to stop working yeah she just know how to talk to construction man just the guy with the keytar she's like uh can we stop that sawing and extreme construction

okay it's howard jones

So she tells us, Masoud built us this house with his ex-wife.

And after he got a divorce, Masoud and I moved to a condo.

And then Masoud wanted this house again after the divorce.

And I said, oh, hell no.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not moving some ex-wife's used things.

You've got the ex-wife's used ass, wrinkly old balls down to the knees, dick.

So what's the problem with the house?

Please, you had no problem stealing the man.

I have, I, you should keep the house with pride and be like, I got the old dick and your house too.

I would do Instagram videos.

Like, look at me.

I'm washing my hair in the sink you put in here.

Wife that I stole old person from.

Suck it.

Listen, I'm going to back Stephanie on this one, not because of any sort of principles of like old versus new, but just because we know the interior was probably like

ghastly in this place.

Oh, it's going to be ghastly in the new one too.

Stephanie's tasteless.

It's all going to be white.

I think it's going to be like white, white, white, white, and white and white and white.

It's going to be that new modern that they do in all the house flips and stuff.

You know what's going to be in there?

I guarantee a kitchen island that's black with really aggressive white veining, which is my least favorite.

I do not like an aggressive veining

on the black marble.

Disgusting.

Or a weener.

I think she'll do that.

Or a wiener.

Yeah.

So this is a 22,000 square foot home.

The ceiling height is 40 feet high, and she's somehow making it look small.

I thought it looks cramped myself.

Like you walk in, there's stairs.

Then there's like crampy stairs with like walls.

I don't know.

It looks very cramped to me.

You know, closed concept is the new open concept.

You know what I'm saying?

I told you that was coming back.

Walls.

Well, I said it years ago.

People are going to be sick of this open concept shit.

People walk into your house, they see all your dirty dishes.

They see every crappy thing your kid ever painted all over the fridge.

You know, bring back what's also no place to hang art.

There's no shame.

Yeah.

There's no place to hang art.

And like I've told you before, I like the, the, the, the, the way they used to do it in like old England, England, which is that you're only allowed to go in as far into the home as you are close to the people.

So I just love the passive aggression of like letting someone come into only like the second room and be like,

yeah, this is where it ends.

Like, do we get to see a house tour?

No, no, your access is just, you're only, you're four year plus.

Sorry.

We'll let you know if you actually graduate to the next level.

Yeah.

When we went to Miss Patricia's home in Charleston, when we did a show in Charleston, we got to go to Miss Patricia's home And Ben called that out immediately because we were sat in the front room by the butler, Michael, R.I.P.,

and had some drinks.

And she comes down, you know, lounging a little bit late as she should be because she's a lady.

And we sat there.

And then she's like, well, let's go into the next room.

And you're like, oh, my God.

And so we went to the next room.

And I was like, what's his, what's his deal?

So we saw the next room.

We sat there for a while.

And then she's like, well, let me, let me show you something in the dining room.

So we ended up moving to another room.

And Ben was getting, I was like, why do I have to get up so much?

You know, but Ben loved it.

And finally, Ben was like, I'm so honored that we made it through your complete house.

And she's like, yes, you did actually.

You're like,

I think I'm supposed to be sequestered in the front until you like me more.

And then you're brought to the next room.

She goes, yeah, that's exactly how it works.

You passed.

Congratulations.

Those old-timey country homes in like England, for instance, they were like the layout was like one room leads into the other, leads into the other.

It was like a linear layout.

You don't just like walk in, you can go the left to this room, to the right to that room.

You just go straight and like.

you only got to go as far into the path as you were allowed to, as you were like seen as important.

So like if you were really important, like a royal, you got to go all the way to the end.

And by the way, if you thought you were going to see a kitchen, you were not because kitchens were not for showing off.

That was where the servants were.

So it is fun to see how it, I mean, I still like, I think, I think I'm okay with us, the people gathering in the kitchen.

I don't think we need to relegate that to the shadows, but I do like the idea of like

passive aggressively.

Yeah, like really, that's what every house is these days.

There's a kitchen with ancillary side nooks.

But I do like the idea about it.

Passive aggressive house toys.

I live in that.

Like, you open my front door and you're in the kitchen.

It's like, well, would you rather go to the kitchen or the kitchen?

Because that's where we're going to live in here.

I know, kitchens are crazy.

The fact that now kitchens have like, in terms of in like the McMansions, kitchens have like two kitchen islands.

It's so funny to me.

You got the kitchen island that you cook on and the kitchen island that you sort of eat and hang out on.

And so it's like,

everyone's house is slowly turning into the kit, into the tent at a

British bake-off.

That's like big entertainment

to have double islands.

Oh, they're so annoying, though.

I used to cater and

one time someone, the first time I ever saw a double island, what a pain in the ass.

You do everything at this giant island, then you have to walk around and carry everything to the second island.

It's the, it's not, it's not comfortable.

And then you can't talk to anybody anyway.

They're so far away on the other island and you're cooking on the back island like,

how's everything going over there?

Do I have kids?

Yeah, everyone just looks.

Everyone's just making their homes look like food network shows, really.

When you're all being canceled.

Did it to yourself, food network?

You did it to yourself.

Too bad they were such good quality shows.

Too bad yeah they've got canceled but guess what else is this recap because we're supposed to be recapping a show about a tacky house this house is going to be tacky tacky houses and also just the gall of this lady walking around like all the rumors of this whatever you all have been reading on reddit i cannot wait for this stuff to be brought out on the show like how she got that husband what she's been doing with that husband what happened to the ex-wife i need to know i want the ex-wife brought on this show because the rumors are that stephanie worked for the ex-wife She was like the assistant and then she you know This is all alleged shit I hear from Reddit So I don't know what's true Stephanie's all denied all this on podcasts and stuff like that But who knows?

But the gall, if that is true, for her to be walking into the home of the lady that she supposedly used to work for and then stole her husband and her job at the company and can't steal a husband.

Okay, we all know that, but still, and then walking through the house and being like, I'll keep her house, but I don't want a piece of her in it.

Got the whole thing.

That, whether you like this girl or not, I'm leaning on not.

It's Huevos.

It's Huevos that she says.

Yeah.

She says, when I first went into Masud's house, it was not my style.

It was so Persian.

I'm like, you know who else is Persian?

Your husband.

Hello.

You know what else is so Persian?

Masud's wiener.

I honestly felt like there was a genie that was going to come out of the chimney.

So Stephanie starts showing Larsa some more, you know, unfinished rooms and everything.

And she's like, this is going to be the master.

Love it.

And wait, Larsa, wait, wait, wait, wait.

When you come into the grand closet, look at this grand closet.

Look, it's a little over a thousand square feet.

Okay, check it out.

And this wall over here, this is where all the Birkins will be before we inevitably find ourselves in a financial scandal and they get sold off.

This is a mannequin representing the ex-wife.

And every day I come in here and dismantle it a little bit more.

Take off a thumb, take off a pinky finger, then we go with the whole hand.

Also, I love that she still uses the terminology master, but then she changes the terminology for closet to be grand closet.

Grand closet.

The grand closet.

I didn't even know there was such a thing as the grand closet.

I've never heard that.

She made that shit up.

This lady is such an asshole.

Yes, she is.

But I'm enjoying it today.

I don't know why.

I think I'm enjoying it today because she's trying so hard to get Larsa to care.

And Larsa is just like, whatever.

Last is like really big.

Wow.

That's really cool.

She goes, yeah.

And this wall goes all the way down.

And it's going to be all Birkins.

I love that she describes how a wall works.

This wall goes all the way down to the next wall.

So

it's like, yes, we can see the corner.

She's like, I want my own.

I'm not thinking about the Birkins to this degree.

You're sad.

Okay.

You're just supposed to be like, this is where the bags go.

Yes.

Exactly.

Somewhere to put them where people don't see them.

That is so embarrassing.

She is definitely

the peak of new money.

But again, I like her on this show because she fits right in and she's not afraid to speak her mind and stand up to

the ones who've been there for years and years.

So she's going on about like,

I want my wine cellar.

I want my own gym, a spa, a makeup room, staff quarters to have their own entrance so they don't have to use my entrance disgusting somewhere in newport beach heather bro is like snaps to that yes i love this girl america sweetheart

um yeah she wants a lot i just want ears that don't grow hair you know But, you know, we all want different things.

So Lars is like, oh my God, we're like going to like be tanning like naked.

And Stephanie tells us how the cost was so high.

They could have just bought a new new home, but they wanted this house and she wanted to be fully happy.

So I had to do what we had to do.

So they walk back out to the backyard and pool area.

And I love that she's like,

she's stripped the entire outside of whatever it was supposed to be, but it still looks the same.

Like

she moved the pool far away.

She's like, I want the pool over there because Masud, I want him at every corner he turns not to be reminded of the past.

I'm like, the only one who's talking about the past past is you, to be honest.

And if you're that concerned that a pool is going to somehow like send him back to whatever state of mind he was in, then you may have some more troubles in your marriage and you're giving on or letting on.

Yeah.

So it's, yeah, it's kind of sad, but I don't really like her, so I like it.

I like watching a slow demise.

So she's like, I'm going to have a housewarming party, and anyone who brings bad juju is going to be escorted out.

escorted out

so um larzo's like i mean like yeah like how crazy like was the other night like that was like so like crazy like there were so many words that were put up on a screen my my ears started bleeding words hurt

it was too much i mean i'm very opinionated i have a lot to get off my chest and oh wait by the way can i show you the rest of the house before we talk about this no because like what do you got to get off your chest like i feel like you got off like your xyz like, off your chest, like with Alexia.

Like, like, what else could you, like, have to do?

Like,

well, I mean, okay, fine.

We can talk about her.

Well, she thinks that you keep bringing up Todd.

And I know it's a very sensitive subject for her, which is why she brings it up all the time to all of us.

Because I did hear her say that.

Mass parties themed for Todd.

Yeah.

And then retracts the theme and changes it around.

I was saying you're beautiful.

You don't have to like, you know, you have so much to bring.

I mean, if God takes out the garbage,

make sure the ex-wife is in the garbage bag too.

I mean, you don't go back diving for it.

Okay.

All she's done is try to belittle and put me down.

And I have yet to go to one good event with you guys.

Honestly.

I'm like, lady, you're in the real housewives.

There are no good events.

That's part of the formula.

I hope that the ex-wife makes a gif of her saying, you got to take out the garbage.

Sometimes God takes out the garbage and just waits for this divorce.

Are they even married yet?

Are these two married?

Or does she just change her last name?

Because she changed her last name.

Oh, no, no, they are married.

Yeah, they're married.

They're married.

Yeah.

They are?

Yeah, I think.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're married.

Okay.

So, yeah.

So then we see Alexia laying into her saying, like, oh, well, if you want to be neutral and go in there and kiss Gertie's ass, then you do that.

She's like, I'm not kissing anyone's ass.

And you need to shut the fuck up.

You need to fucking shut the fuck up.

So then back to present.

Larsa's like, yeah, you can't let go after Todd.

And so she says, before Gertie's event, Kiki had planned a yacht excursion for all the girls but we they only booked one yacht and then it all went to shit so now they've had to book two yachts so we see a little meeting of Kiki and Larza deciding to get the second boat

yeah so there's a lot of coordination here I really enjoyed this process by the way so they're putting people in this boat and that boat and ultimately

Alexi I mean Adriana is like a bit of a she's like a bit of a like a landmine no one wants to be in the same boat as her.

They try to put Marisol on the same boat as her, but they just sort of know that that's, I think they try it.

They're like, that'll be funny, but then they realize, this won't work out.

So they call it Marisol and like, Marisol, do you want to be there with Adriana?

She's like, no, I don't like it, guys.

I do not enjoy being around Adriana.

I mean, we're doing overnight.

She might come in my room and murder me in the middle of the night before I've had my cocky.

Sorry, it's my signature thing.

I don't know if you guys heard about cocky.

You guys heard about cockies before.

She might come in and murder me.

I mean, it'll be like the set of Carrie in there.

I mean, what are they going to do?

Drop blood from the ceiling?

Are things going to be flying all over the place?

And the prom?

I mean, is that what we're doing here?

It's like Carrie.

Which she won't let go of that.

She's like, did we get that?

You're using my Carrie bit, right?

You want me to do it again today?

I'll do it again today.

I do love her, like, her old, old-timey pop culture references, which, and I say this as someone who frequently references things from the 80s as if they are current and everyone will get them, but she really goes for it.

Like, if it's like someone from the 60s, that's like Pachuna La Clerk over there.

I mean, come on, everyone.

Why do you, Donnie Osmond on the weekends?

Come on.

Oh, Clark Gable just walked in, everyone.

I guess we all better bow down.

She's really Judy garlanded that one up.

So

they, Stephanie's like, um, can we just continue with the tour?

Like, I mean, come on, we only have another 10,000 square feet to go.

She literally says that, and they don't even bother showing the rest.

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So now we go to Alexia's home and now we have a scene with, oh, well, you know, Peter, because Peter has arrived.

arrived and he hugs Frankie, etc.

And Alexia is like, oh, well, Peter, you know, you like it here?

I love that you like coming over here.

It's a good house for artists because, you know, you are an artist.

So like, you like it, Peter?

And he's like, no, we just have the spot here on the beach.

It's fun.

I'm like, oh, God.

God.

Peter still.

If I were ever in the same room with Peter, I would just like kind of slowly make my way towards him and just find a reason to stand next to him and then just like poke him with a needle i would like to see

has he tried to see me even react like has he ever been caffeinated i mean is there anything we can do to sort of like speed this guy's talk are there any living cells on this person

What is happening with this person?

And he's always kind of been like that, but then every year his hair gets a little bit drier and he just seems to slow down a little bit more.

Well, he needs to.

I'm sorry, he's like, he needs to like start committing to like a buzz cut or something because obviously we can see the hair is thinning and it's like getting stringier and like that's fine.

But like he's trying to, I think, cover it up by growing it long, but it just sort of is looking like Gerard Depardouish at this point.

Yeah, that's a good one.

You know, like Gerard Depardoux meets Quentin Tarantino.

It's like, you've got like director hair, but you don't actually have any credits to your name.

So like, you know.

Yeah, he's got like intellectual hiding in the library in college like with dusty books and stuff like yeah philosophy philosophical arguments with everybody but he doesn't do any of those things you know yeah it's like like an intellectuals are allowed to have that awful hair because they're intellectual so they like excel in a different area but if you're not excelling in like intellectual things or if you're not like in your in the arts you really shouldn't have that hair or just excelling at any

like if you excel at nothing at least groom that's what I think.

Yeah.

Because like if you're like a professor, it's like, oh, well, he just doesn't have time to do his hair properly because he's busy in academia.

He's busy doing things.

Or if he's an accountant, it's tax season.

But like, he's just doing nothing.

Like, there's just no, you're in Miami.

Like,

this is the city of knowing what to do with your hair.

Yeah, you got to groom.

So, and I'm, I'm speaking as someone in like a three-day-old t-shirt and

a very swollen eye that I'm redlighting.

But we're doing something.

But we're doing something.

We're podcasting, which is very, very important.

Very important to the world.

Yeah.

Rigorous and important.

So Peter's like, yeah, you just got to keep yourself emotionally stable, mom.

And the producer's like, so you guys seem to be avoiding talking about Todd.

She goes, oh, yeah, we do.

We do.

You know, because

I don't like to involve my kids, you know.

I just like to move them in with people

and then take them away so they can move out in front of Frankie.

In front of Frankie.

But yeah, I don't like to involve people with Todd.

You know, that stuff I keep very, very private.

You guys, you guys, I can't believe this.

When we're playing pool, while we're playing pool.

By the way, it's not that they aren't talking about Todd.

It's just that Peter still is in the first three words of a sentence and he hasn't gotten to the rest of the sentence yet where he talks about Todd.

It's so

mom.

I

just

want.

It's like, okay, all right, I'll take it from here.

Okay, so Peter, what's going on?

Like, you, how you, how you do, you want to go hug Frankie?

So they hug.

It's really cute.

I mean, when they, Frankie and Peter are very cute together and they hug, and Alexia is like, Frankie has been vomiting profusely and ended up in the emergency room and they diagnosed him with diverticulitis, or as I call it, looking at Adriana disease.

Or as I told the doctor, this is what I call the disease to the the doctor.

How could you do this to Frankie?

Oh,

get him a better disease.

I don't even know what this is.

Get him a better disease.

So this sucks.

I mean, poor Frankie, like, he doesn't go through enough that now he has to deal with diverticulitis, which is no joke, by the way.

My friend just had a really bad case of, I don't even know.

It was diverticulitis, but it was called like pronounced diverticulitis.

I mean, I don't know.

It was something like heightened and it sucked.

She had to get like a colostomy bag and she had to be in.

I mean, she was out of commission for like six months.

Is it curable or is it?

Yeah, she's better now.

Yeah, she's better now.

She healed up.

Thank God.

Oh, good.

One of the lesbians in the tennis shoes.

I mean, they just keep coming up today.

Well,

listen, if you've got, if you, if you have, if you're stuck with a colonoscopy bag, I think you're allowed to have some sneakers on for crying out loud.

Oh, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

No one will question her sneakers because she's like a true, like, no one's going to fuck with her.

Yeah.

She's going to wear her dandy shoes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So Alexia says that he has to have a better diet and everything, which is, you know, like, he does look a little thinner, actually.

So it looks like he's, he's been eating healthier.

And I don't know why I felt like commenting on that.

Like, just

your report card is in.

Ben Mandaliker approves.

So, um, uh, like, where do I get diverticulitis?

You look great.

You look amazing.

Is this over the counter?

Can we make out for a bit?

How long should this last?

Let me just.

So they talk about, um, Peter starts crying, you know, because they're talking about how hard all this stuff is on Frankie.

And then they're talking about, you know, I don't know this family.

You know how this family is.

They keep, they talk about kind of the same traumas every year and then cry about it as a family, which I guess is fair.

So she's like, you know, but the truth is, Peter, you've really had it hard.

I can't.

I can't with the, oh my God, how hard Peter has it.

Peter doesn't do anything.

Let's stop this.

Can we stop?

I know, really?

You're

son.

You love it so hard.

Videotaped a homeless person as he was like trying to make him do bum fights or whatever the fuck he was doing and abusing him.

Like I can't with, and I get that he was a kid and this and that, but please stop with the every single year trying to make Peter look like he's some little saint.

Cut his hair.

The least you could do is cut his hair, Alexia.

He,

yeah, he is, uh, you can't say that he's, I guess he has added hard with that hair.

I'm not going to lie.

Do you know how hard it is having such dry hair?

His hair hurts.

Oh, well, he tried to buy some VO5, but he asked for VO6 and don't even make that and he gave up.

It was so hard for him.

So.

You know, it's so hard, you know, because your brother gets into the accident, then you go to Paris.

Oh, God, could you imagine what a hard hard life that is going to Paris?

Then you come back and Hernand dies.

Oh, and it's just like, it's a lot.

And like, we're good, but I don't want you to worry.

And she says, you know, she does.

I mean, I'm not going to take away that, like, obviously Frankie was, I mean, Peter was very affected by Frankie's accident, et cetera.

But like you said, they, Alexia brings this up to us every single year as if we never heard it before.

And we're like, okay.

Like, I mean, it's just Alexia's like boy mom, you know, Peter does all this bad shit every year.

And then Alexia's like, oh my God, you guys, Peter has it so hard.

Like, nobody has it harder than peter um

raise your child to be better because your child sucks okay like i don't want to hear it and stop coming on here like you're trying to make peter mayor every year i don't want to hear it peter sucks keep him away

well the big wrinkle this time around for the usual like oh peter's had it so hard storyline is that now he is going to be frankie's guardian So like, meaning like, you know,

if Alexia is to pre-decease her son, then Frankie will take over, which is a big deal.

Peter will take over.

Actually, I would not be surprised if Frankie

is a guardian for Peter.

Frankie, I think Frankie will be a more suitable guardian for Peter than the other way around.

I do too.

That's kind of a terrifying thought.

So then Gertie, let's see, what are we doing?

So Gertie goes to have lunch with Dr.

Nicole.

Dr.

Nicole's back.

It's like,

we get this whole long shot of Nicole from behind.

Her hair is blonde and long and flowing.

And she's like, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.

And she shows up looking great and radiant because she's a radiologist.

Oh, no, she's actually an anesthesiologist.

She's an anesthesiologist.

Well, guess what?

She's a radiologist today because she is radiating.

She's a radiatingologist.

She sells radiators because guess what?

She's radiating.

She sold about 96,000 of them because she's wearing an Hermé matte alligator Birkin for $96,600.

And she's got matching baby blue Jimmy shoes or whatever.

And they're like, wow, Nicole is worth $27 trillion, everybody.

And we, ooh,

why does Nicole get away with doing this shit when it's so annoying from Stephanie?

Although this always did kind of annoy me about Nicole, but

remember Nicole's whole like, oh, yeah, look, here we are buying like a, you know, $70 trillion

ship or whatever.

Anthony liked to brag about their money too, but I don't know how she did it and what didn't annoy people as much as Stephanie.

She's got the personality to pull it off, right?

Because Stephanie watches like a house get like torn open and like rooted around.

But Nicole has to watch human bodies go through that.

And I think she deserves, you know, like, I think she deserves a $96,000

bag because she's helping, first of all, she's helping people's lives actively unlike really 99.9 of anyone else on bravo she's actively trying to save people's lives and she's also she's also pretty cool and um

stephanie is obnoxious and nicole is fine nicole seems to be overall pretty good given you know a base level of obnoxiousness that everyone on bravo has you know yeah i think because she shows it off but she doesn't like openly brag like stephanie but i don't know.

So

she comes in and the girls are like, oh my God, it's you.

It's you.

It's like baby G, the last time I saw her was in the, you know, she was still in her preemie because they're talking about the little baby.

And we see a picture of the little cute baby.

And

Nicole's like, yeah, she was like four pounds, like pure bones, but now she's like 90, 90th percentile weight.

Like she's a little pudgy sickle.

Doesn't she look like my dad?

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

Don't put that on that baby.

And then they show a picture of her next to fucking, not Columbo.

Who's the other one?

Matt Asner.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We see a picture of her, her dearly departed father.

I personally did not see the resemblance, but also to be fair, her dad looked like literally every baby I've ever seen.

Like he just was like a big, I'm not saying he was a man baby.

I'm just like, if you imagined a baby.

who is 75 years old, that's what her dad looked like.

Just really hairy, carrying a cigar.

She

everybody, RIP, that guy.

So, what a character that guy was.

Yeah, he really was.

He was.

And so, Nicole is saying how it was like a nightmare because, like, the pregnancy, because, or I should say the birth, because like there, there was the NICU, and then she was in the hospital.

She had to go in and out, she had to miss all these things, but she was also ignoring Grayson, so she had to spend time with Grayson.

And Gritty's like, it was a shit show.

Okay, can we talk about my thing now?

Okay, great.

So,

Gritty's like, well, I know that she's what that you're still going through postpartum and it's emotional roller coaster.

So I just want to support her and let her take it easy.

And it's all about her right now, about her getting back to who she is, because I'm trying to get her to get her group back.

That's what I'm trying to do.

So naturally, they now start talking about Stephanie.

Now, this is a big surprise for the episode because the rumors before the episode, before the season started, were Nicole was going to come back to the show, but then she left the show because they brought on

her ex's

new wife or whatever, which is Stephanie.

And that she was like, that's low or whatever.

Fuck this.

But it turns out she really likes Stephanie and she's nice to her.

So who knew?

Who saw that one coming?

It's like the twist.

She's like, I'm really excited to meet Stephanie.

She's like, oh, the fact that she did it, Anthony, 20 years ago, I mean, isn't that crazy?

And she goes, oh my God, like the world is this big.

It's this big.

She goes, yeah.

Okay.

Let's talk about her.

She goes, listen, like, there's got to be similarities.

Like, he likes us both.

Let me tell you, Anthony's picky as fuck.

Okay.

He likes short people who like really expensive purses and plates.

Yeah.

Pretty much.

So they call Stephanie and Gertie's like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

I wanted to do a quick high and bye intro to this girl here.

You may know her because she is now with your ex.

And Stephanie's like, oh my God, you know, I was blonde too at one point.

And then I was like, this is so damaging.

Like, I am not going to be blonde.

Like, only an idiot would be blonde.

Oh, my God, Nicole, nice to meet you.

I was like, yeah, I was going to go red too, but like, it's so much work to keep it red and also, like, go places where people don't treat you like a little orphan in a musical.

So, but it works for you.

She's like, oh, my God, if, if, I know, I will die if you go red because there will, then we'll be just like twins.

She's like, okay, well, in that case, I'm definitely never going to be red the rest of my life.

Okay, I'll stay blonde.

Okay.

Bye.

Is Stephanie a redhead?

Why does Stephanie look like a brunette to me?

Are my eyes that bad?

Is my eye that swollen?

She looks like a brunette to me.

There's someone pounding on our door.

No, tell him to fuck off.

Peter, good a job.

Pounding.

Get a job, Peter.

I know it is, Peter, be like, I am lost.

I think Stephanie is a brunette, but like, I can see that maybe in certain light, you can see, like, the redness of it all, you know?

Hmm.

Okay.

Like, maybe like low-level red, like maroon.

Stephanie's like, um, Nicole's fabulous.

Like, clearly we have to have similar traits because i dated anthony 20 years ago and you could tell he was gonna go far in life i mean no one's comparing private jets around here i'm just saying mine is big or

bigger walla perkins walla perkins can we finish my can we finish my tour now come on just follow me

So they hang up and Nicole's like, you know, it's funny because when I saw her hang out with the group, my initial thought was like, I don't think she's going to get along with Alexia because, you know, there's that alpha competition.

And, like, if you don't bend the knee, like, she doesn't do well.

And Stephanie doesn't strike me as a knee bender mainly because she only comes up to someone's kneecap.

So if you bend, she really can't.

There's not really a knee there to bend.

Oh, no.

And at the party that you were supposed to go to, I put the text message up.

I put it up.

I put it up.

There was a screen.

I put it up.

It was there.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

It was there.

I redacted the names, though.

I redacted them.

So then we see a clip of that.

And then Gertie is like, yep.

And Julia got embarrassed.

And so they walked out and Stephanie wanted to go back in and hear what I had to say, what happened.

And they were like, oh, no, you're such a kiss ass.

Can you believe it?

That's what they said.

Even though it was redacted, it was redacted.

So, yeah, we see like flashbacks and everything.

And we see like, you know, Alexia confronting Stephanie, etc.

And like, you know, being like, do you want to go on their kiss code disaster?

And you do that, et cetera.

So Nicole's like, well, these are like, well, these are like bling, these are like bling alliances right like i don't understand that because if i'm someone's friend i will hear your story and be like you know what gertie that was wrong and you know what like maybe you shouldn't have said that and like i told you like after that comment about the facelift remember i told you the facelift comment was too far gertie

and then we see the flashback to after getting water thrown on her she tells uh julia you got a facelift while martina was in new york getting chemo That's you, facelift getter.

I didn't think that was so bad.

Julia started it.

I'm sorry.

Julia started it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And she's like, I told you that was tough, girl.

Like, I don't know if I would have gone there, but that's what friends do.

You know, we're honest with each other.

And she's like,

well, you know what?

Blinders.

You know what?

You put on the blinders when you want to.

And she says she's not proud of how she acted.

But, and would I have done this as first choice?

No.

No, I would not have.

But the fact is, I tried every other way with everyone.

And the only way left was to put text messages on a screen.

That was literally the only way left.

It was the only way left for her.

When in doubt, rent a projector.

That's it.

There was nothing else to do.

That's all I could do.

Nicole's like, well, I just don't understand what happened.

I mean, we were all really good friends.

Remember the day after your surgery, we picked up smoothies and Julie and I went to visit you.

We sat in your bed and we see that, you know, from last year.

And she's like, I just feel like there's been a big shift in Julia because I never even seen Julia hanging out with Adriana anymore.

Whoa, well, we saw those two over the summer, and you were like, What's going on there?

You know, because like she's been really into Mary Sol and Alexia, and that's fine, but that's you know, that's to the detriment of ruining.

And she's like, Well, um, it's giving thirsty, right?

She goes, Yeah, you know, in middle school, like the new girl who comes in, and then she doesn't have any friends, so she hangs out with whoever's there,

but then like she figures out who the popular girls are, and then she ditches those people.

I just think it's so funny that Mary Sol, that Marisol and Alexia are considered the popular people.

Like they're literally outnumbered.

It's just because Alexia keeps on.

It's because Alexia just keeps on declaring herself as the popular girl.

She literally said, I'm the star.

She said, I was born a star.

I am the star.

And then Marisol is just like a tag-along because they keep the dangling carrot for Marisol of a friend of.

So she's still waiting for her true glory to return.

So until she can be a full-fledged cast member, she is,

and she just has to hang on to Alexia.

so yeah i think that's how this all this whole cult of personality happened so what would it take you to come back to our group and she's like um tbd bitch bitch i can't believe you just did that okay you know what i didn't like that answer so i've had all of our text printed on these menus everybody's reading them right now

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