#2951 The Valley S2E16 Part One: Lost Sporkle

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Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens.

I'm Ronnie.

That's Ben over there.

Hello, Ben.

Hi, Ronnie.

How are you?

Good.

Great.

Excellent.

I'll tell you what I brought today.

What?

Mouth Oracle.

Everybody, welcome.

It's the Valley Reunion Part 1 recap.

Just a reminder, you can watch this on video if you'd prefer over at Crappins on Demand, which is on Patreon.

That's also where you find our bonus episodes.

This week is a nice long recap of Beyoncé and the Backstreet Boys in Las Vegas and Travel Woes.

Because, you know, we love to discuss some Travel Woes.

Delta, Mandalay Bay, the Cosmo, bastards.

Yeah, all of you.

All three.

All of you.

All three of you are in the doghouse.

They tried to take away our sparkle.

Yeah, they still.

Yeah, but Backstreet Boys brought them back.

Backstreets.

We're back.

Back goals back.

All right.

So today

is a reunion for the Valley.

How you feel, Ben?

How'd you feel about the Vow?

Reunion?

Actually, the first reunion ever for the Valley.

Yeah, I thought it was a great first episode.

We just sat through three really unimpressive Atlanta reunion episodes.

I mean, the second episode on Atlanta was okay.

It was all right.

But like,

they were really scraping for content.

Like, it really was, should have been a super size one episode reunion maybe two so this one the valley is bursting with things to discuss and you know the the reunions really come alive when there's when there's things to to sink your teeth into and um i thought the first episode was was great what did you think and i loved how it was lit i loved how it was so bright and everyone looked kind of like ai renderings because their makeup was like really like you could really see their makeup i loved it what'd you think well i think whatever stylist brittany uses for this, she needs to use for everything because she looked much like if you look at her when she went on watch what happens live, she looked

sad.

I don't know, something sad.

I mean, she was probably sad, but I don't mean sad like physically.

I mean, it was just, she looked like a disaster.

Okay.

Yeah.

She looked like a damn, her makeup looked crazy.

Her clothes looked crazy.

Everything looked crazy.

And on this, she looked very put together and very, so anyway, just keep that.

Keep this one.

Whoever you're using on this one, keep them, Brittany.

Okay, they brought back your sparkle.

They brought back your sparkle.

I love the fur coat that Jesse showed up in in the beginning.

I think he should have worn it the whole time.

But yeah, I mean, most of this is just watching kind of a trashy couple screaming at each other.

But hey, I'm down.

Yes,

back to childhood.

So let's get into it.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the Valley Season 2 reunion.

I'm Benny Cohen.

I have babies.

I'm fucking exhausted.

All right.

Let's get to it.

Yeah.

Wow, this is going to be fun, Brittany.

Okay, everyone.

America, we're going to introduce all the cast for the next 20 minutes because it's a big cast, Brittany.

Great to see you.

Will tonight be the longest time you spent with Jax in a year.

And she's like, yeah.

Wow.

And Jax, how does it feel to be wearing clothes that are on merch from your bar?

Although, are those merch branded Jax's bars lifts in your shoes wow you guys thought of everything yeah he's like is that conscious you wear jack's merch yes it's conscious it's also he has to do his own laundry now and he ain't doing it so he's gonna wear the same thing every day and he's like gotta support the bar andy

okay michelle moved in with your boyfriend aaron how's that going we all know now because we shot this reunion 19 years ago And a lot's happened since then.

Aaron dumped you.

So we know that, but we don't know that yet.

So how are you feeling?

She's like, I made the best decision ever.

We have Isabella Vivdi Brzezen of the Dime.

It is a

Isabella is very happy, guys.

Don't worry.

She's super, super happy.

Isabella is getting a lot of Coke-themed honey in her breakfast.

So she's psyched.

Yeah.

Well, she was.

Not anymore.

So,

Michelle, yeah, she's like, yeah, Isabiella is yappy.

All right, Jesse, we saw you and your tidy waddies this season are more like tidy grays.

What's going on?

Well, I've since ordered new underwear because Zach told me they were a little bit too baggy.

Yeah.

Jupy drawers.

So they talk about underwear.

Kristen's pregnant, guys.

So, you know, that's great.

And her water could break at any moment.

No, I'm not even kidding, Eddie.

And how does Luke feel about being here?

You know, he's a little unprepared because we've got, we couldn't, like, we don't have a to-go bag for the hospital with us.

Oh, please, what are you going to have in the to-go bag?

He's going to bring like a pair of scissors and a tent and a flashlight and like one of those like

lamps that don't need oil.

I don't trust him.

He's going to bring some granola bar.

He's just going to bring camping shit.

He's bringing stuff that's going to be very

unuseful

in in the hospital.

She'll be like, do you have my sundress?

No, but I have a tarp.

Seriously?

So, Andy, I mean, Nia, you and Danny

went four,

quote unquote, four it.

Four under four, buddy.

Four under four.

Wow, well, Danny, you haven't eaten more times?

We're going to hear you say that, huh?

You're not going to say it like right now, are you?

Protect your peace, Daniel.

Protect your peace.

Daddy, she is four under four.

Zach, how did Benji enjoy your scroll talks?

And he's like, um, I thought we would have noticed it more, but apparently he didn't.

By the way, Zach, I would say, is the real star of this reunion because he barely got to say a word, but he spent the entire episode making the most hilarious, amazing faces.

Every time something happened, they would just cut to Zach and he'd be like,

like he would tilt his head to the side and you bulge his eyes out and look over to the left.

It was amazing.

He did great work.

He was just making his neighbor from the Bewitched series, Gladys Kravitz, popping, you know, popping by being like, did I just see you flying?

Face through the whole thing.

So Jasmine's here.

I think she says only this through the entire reunion.

She's engaged.

So yes, that's all we got from her.

Janet lost a lot of baby weight.

How'd she do it?

Through Adderall and Pilates, Andy.

Wasn't that hilarious, everybody?

Cool, Janet.

Cool, Janet.

Cool, Janet.

Cool, Janet, whose storyline was about accusing someone of substance abuse.

Anyway, Adderall and Pilates.

I know I caught that too.

I hope they use that against her all year next year because that's the big thing.

Cause that's what they call Coke on Bravo.

You know, everybody's like, I'm addicted to Adderall.

Craig's thing.

No, you're a Cokehead, and we all fucking know it.

So I like that Janet just came out on national TV and basically called herself a cokehead.

Yeah, yeah.

I have to admit, but not Ozempic.

People are still being so

ridiculous over the

Ozempic stuff.

Yes.

She's got girls.

Of course.

I think that, look, and of course, I think that anybody who loses weight is probably taking that, but it's a hell of a lot easier and probably safer for your heart, at least, than taking a bunch of Adderall, I would think.

Yeah, I would think so.

I mean, I've done both.

And I'll tell you, I have a lot of, I have a lot less rage on the shots than I did on the Adderall.

Well, I think Ozempic

is now prescribed for weight loss and Adderall isn't.

So I think,

yeah, I think it's just right built in right there.

Built in right there, which one's the better one to use?

Good point.

And listen, I'm not a big shamer on any of those things.

I've used Adderall.

I've used Ozempic.

I've used Coke.

So I'm not really going to judge any of it.

It's just that it's Janet, the judgiest one out of everybody.

So it's more fun, you know?

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

It's like I don't judge abortions, but I really loved it when that pregnant, that

Republican congresswoman who voted against abortion rights had to get one because she was having a terrible pregnancy.

And then she blamed the Democrats for it.

I mean, it's like people like that.

You know what I mean?

I'll shame you.

I'll shame you for it.

Yeah, everyone.

We will shame.

We will shame when we want to shame.

It's our choice.

Okay.

Yes, we're and don't shame us for our shaming decisions.

If we don't shame when you want us to shame, then shame on you for trying to shame us into shaming when we want to

shame someone.

But we will shame when you don't want to shame someone.

No, you can shame me.

That's kind of my kink.

I don't know.

I was just doing wordplay.

I was doing wordplay.

Shame on you.

Shame on you for wordplaying.

I'm trying to be very serious about Republican Congressperson abortions.

God take it to Shame Simpson.

Queen of Snarcasm.

So anyway, Jason, what's up with you, Jason?

Are you wearing your wedding ring today?

And he's like, hi, Andy.

I am.

I am, yes, wearing my wedding ring.

Yes.

That was also the last we heard of Jason all episode two.

Thank God.

Shut up over there.

Hey, be like, you are in your marriage in this reunion.

Silent and agreeable.

Thanks.

Silent and agreeable and very good looking.

So Andy is worn off.

It's not good looking.

No, his soul

is really good.

His soul tarnished it.

And then his whole, like, being the only one to follow Jackson to the reunion.

You know, did you notice that at the beginning?

In the beginning of the reunion, when everybody's arriving, people are like, oh, my God, is Jax coming?

Like, oh, my God, Jax is coming.

Ooh, Jax is coming.

And then everyone just kind of stayed in their dressing room.

But it's like the second you can smell Jax, because you know you can smell Jax show up.

You just know you can.

And Jason ran right out of his dressing room and like wagged his little tail and followed Jackson like, you know, okay, Jax,

keep following the abuser, Jason.

yeah he's really he's really this is like

he's really picked the wrong horse in this race that's for sure all right well I want to dive in you Kristen you have called yourself an empath and I have to say you may have been the voice of reason for this season oh seriously who would have thunk ha well how does that feel well I had one moment that I was not proud of so I can just start this off with an apology to Janet uh for the crap that was flying out of my mouth when I was like, I'm going to beat your ass.

I'm going to knock you out.

That wasn't kind of me.

So,

I apologize.

But we know it's true because Kristen's so floppy, she beats everyone's ass who walks by.

Oh, sorry.

Just her arms are flying, hitting people in the face no matter what.

I would never, you know, that wasn't my best moment.

And also calling you a whore, that is obviously.

Not true.

Nobody would pay you for sex.

Who are we kidding?

Okay.

But, you know, the decibel of my voice, not great, not great.

I looked at Luke and I said, was that crazy?

And he was like, kind of.

And I was like, do not forget to pack worms when we go to the hospital to deliver the baby.

He was like, how else am I going to fish?

Thank God.

And I guess, by the way, since

Sweet Mariposa is like the big Fleetwood Mac fan of the cast, we should correct ourselves from our podcasting yesterday when we were questioning, and mainly me, the lyric thunder

only always follows rain.

Whatever we said, we said the lyric was thunder always follows rain.

Oh, thunder always happens.

Thunder only

happens when it rains.

Only happens.

Yeah, we got an email from CDNX, and she was like,

So there you go.

Also cursed now.

And Janet just got all she wanted, which was, I appreciate the apology.

I appreciate that.

Thank you, Kristen.

Thank you.

Well, that's a good way to start.

I love apologies.

All right, let's celebrate an abuser.

You guys ready?

Okay.

So I wonder, Jax Brittany, what's the status of your divorce?

And she's like, hopefully it's happening soon.

But he called the other night and said he didn't want, he might get kicked off the show.

So he's prolonging it in case he needs to get alimony from me.

And Jax is like, that is somewhat true.

That is somewhat true.

Yeah.

What a piece of shit.

Right.

And so, and he's like, well, you know, he's like, he's like, you know, we'll agree, you know, we'll agree with you in what you said, whatever.

And he's like, okay, well, Jesse and Mikkel, Michelle, what are your goals for tonight other than tearing each other apart?

And I'm already shaking.

I'm already shaking.

And Jackson's like, you should shake.

You should shake.

Like, they're not even going to let their abuse fighting stop in between questions.

You know, they're just like, we're keeping it.

Keep the smile line.

But Jesse takes it.

He's like, you know, there's just this constant battle with Michelle of who's going to win.

And she's like, I was never trying to win.

There is no winning with you.

And he's like, well, you were trying to win.

You're even trying to win the conversation about trying to win, winneer.

Hey, you need some wins?

Are you going to go to Vegas?

You'll stay at the win.

I'll bet you'll stay at the win, winneer.

What am I trying to win?

I already did win because now I have 5% of Rob Reiner's estate.

So a lot happened this season.

It was full of high highs, low lows, and a surprise engagement and two new babies through everything.

Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Let's talk about your first baby, Kristen, okay?

And she's like, oh, now I'm near the end.

Oh, it's just so strange.

I mean, we got a sonogram, and the baby is already like moving its head around looking for the straw.

It's going like home.

Wow, how soon after the show wrapped did you find out you were pregnant?

About two weeks later, something like that.

Wow, great, Luke.

How have Kristen's moods been?

Well, he's like, well, the first trimester wasn't fun, and the second trimester was pretty okay, but she's back to being, she's back to being pretty much a pain and a monster.

Okay, well, we could have told you that was going to happen even before she was pregnant.

It's been really rough.

Oh, God, first trimester, maybe started to kick during the second.

She would just stare down and grab her stomach and start screaming whore really loudly, Andy.

Oh, sado, I'm sorry.

I said, obviously, you're not a whore.

Come on.

So, what do you think in the end is what helped you get pregnant?

Well, the hormones, and I did an IUI and did a lot of

candles, huge amount of candles, and you know, just calling out and watch Gilmore Girls.

All right.

Well,

you have a wedding.

Add her all helped.

Add her all helped blood.

Well, you have a wedding and plan as well.

Where are we with that?

Oh, nowhere near that.

but i did uh just uh find out that uh the 500 uh flower crowns that i ordered for it will be arriving soon so step one is taken care of yes yeah we're just trying to get a free date from the park andy

i feel like kristen will have a park wedding There'll be a lot of like

canopies and it'll be just like very, it'll look like midsummer or something like that.

Like people just, it'll just be very hippie.

But also with other families there just playing.

They're like, oh, God, people getting married married in the park.

This is why we pay taxes.

Great.

Frisbee's going to hit her in the middle of her vows.

Oh, seriously?

So, what is going on here?

I tried not to do this on Frisbee Golf Day.

Jill just catches it.

Whores, you're a whores.

Suck a dick, Frisbee golfers.

Luke, I vow from here to when you hold me till I'm dead, so could take Diana.

So you and Janet, you and Kristen have had your ups and downs.

How's she going to do as a mom?

And Janet's like, she's going to be a great mom, Andy, because she's a good dog mom, and that's hard.

So

I'm sure that Kristen will take her baby outside every time it needs to poop.

and make sure it adds a little water to their food to make sure it's not too hard to chew.

Wow, that's great insight.

Well, there must have been something in the water in the valley that week because just as Kristen and Luke were conceiving, their fertile friends, Danny and Nia, were getting pregnant with baby number four.

Nia,

how has this pregnancy been different for you?

Yeah, and she's like, you know, we've been saying ups and downs a lot so far this reunion.

So I'm going to go with ups and downs, Andy, ups and downs, you know, and I get to enjoy it

because there's not as many ups and downs.

And Andy's like, Danny, we heard you complain a lot about how little sleep you're getting.

Why are you putting yourself through this just for a child?

Could you hire no one?

I mean, come on.

And he's like, I didn't.

She leglocked me, Andy.

She leg locked me.

Funny, right?

She's a fourth degree black belt.

All right.

Well, is there a vasectomy in your future?

Are you just going to just go for 505?

Yeah.

I was gonna say, if there's any guys who want to do a vasectomy with me, oh, Jax, you're raising your hand.

I'm not sure I want to do that with you, Jax.

Okay,

um, because Jax is like, I'll do it.

I totally want to do it, but like, Jax, you haven't like you.

I guess I'm wondering how many babies are out there that have been unclaimed by Jax and by pop culture.

How does Jax even has working sperm?

Like, how does he have working sperm?

Like, I just don't believe, I don't believe it.

Yeah, I agree.

so um yeah jax wants to get one and andy's like well uh jax do you use birth control she he's like do i use birth control no condoms seriously condoms condoms are birth control jax oh um i'm not really

um

yeah

it's disgusting i wouldn't touch that dirty dick with a 10-inch pole it's gonna have 20 baby mamas if he doesn't get it for safety me

disgusting

and he's like that's not what you said four months ago when we were out at the aquarium.

And you were like, do you think we should hook up one more time?

You said that.

You said it at Hooters.

You said it four months ago at Hooter.

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Brittany's still going to Hooters with Jax.

Like, that's why I can't with Britney's whole like, oh,

really?

I touched my dick with the tape football.

You went to Hooters with Jax, Brittany.

Come on, man.

I'm trying to root for you here.

I'm confused because he's like, that's not what you said at the aquarium.

And you said it at, then, but then he's like, you said it at Hooters.

I'm like, did you go to Hooters?

Or did you go to the aquarium?

It was a family day.

When did you have a ticket?

Did you go?

The aquarium and then Hooters?

They went to the one day.

It was a family day.

They took the kid to the aquarium of the Hooters.

So this is Brittany and Jax we're talking about.

It's great.

It's just great.

You know, I think that people always forget that Jax like knocked up that girl in Vegas and like, what, paid for her abortion or something.

Speaking of abortions, right?

That was a whole like, a whole thing on season one of the show, season two.

I mean,

you would think after that you would maybe, you know, put a condom on or something, but, you know, know, straighten it up.

Yeah, I mean, I would think that you wear a condom, but I don't know.

So Jax is like, oh, please, you wouldn't touch me.

You're just like hooking up with a guy who like, like, like, uh, who was hooking up with porn stars.

So I'm just like, you do that too.

I mean, you're with OnlyFan models and porn stars yourself.

What are you talking about, Jax?

Okay, please put up the picture of the lady that Jax is banging with the giant boobs because I love every time they show that picture.

Yeah.

It's so funny.

I don't know why that picture is so funny, but honestly, how can it not be?

I know.

I just love Jax saying, you're sleeping with guys who sleep with porn stars.

You are the guy who sleeps with porn stars, Jax.

Yeah.

And he's like, yeah, you with your, like I go into your room, there's condibs all over the floor.

It's like, at least I use them.

At least I use them.

And then you throw them on the floor.

Oh, God, this couple really is disgusting.

I mean, Team Brittany, but both, also team both gross some of of the time, you know, like oh,

yeah, all right.

Well, welcome back to the season two reunion.

Okay, Kristen, have you and Nia bonded a lot during your journeys?

She's like, oh, yeah, um, I don't know what I'll do without her.

You know, just a fertility journey alone and the whole pregnancy.

She's already helped me with postpartum and all anything you could even ask for.

It's Nia.

He's like, okay.

So Andy asks me about postpartum depression before we've even had our babies, Andy.

So she's really on it.

She's really on it.

Pre-partum, Fleetwood Mac.

Mac.

I've already taught her to say no, Danny.

No.

So the Andy asks about postpartum, and Nia's hoping that she doesn't have it this time because she's, she was, she says that last time with the twins, there was just so many hormones that that like, you know, is what caused it.

But you never know, you never know what's, it's out of her control, etc.

And then Andy feels bad for Nia for, you know, regarding her body image.

He says that was really heartbreaking to watch the pressure she puts on herself.

So then we see, again, she's at the plastic surgeon's office talking, going down a list of all the things that she wants adjusted.

Andy, who's already commented on a woman's weight and usually asks every woman on the stage when she last got plastic surgery, is like, whoa, really feel bad about your body image.

Welcome to Bravo Sucker.

So what's a mommy makeover?

Are you going to get new boobs?

Are you?

Tell me about your new boobs.

What are they going to look like?

Can I touch them?

Do you have have any examples?

Do you have any samples I can just play with?

I'll tell you which are better.

Like, well, you know, I live in LA and, you know, it's good to want to feel good in your skin.

You know, it's good to get another skin.

You know, give yourself grace.

I try to find balance.

And so she's planning a mommy makeover.

And Brittany's like, I'll go.

I'll go with you.

I'll go with you.

I think at the very least, Brittany should get rid of the boobs that Jax made her get because remember, those were forced boobs on Brittany.

He's like, I'll give you boobs if you get a size triple Z.

And she's like, Well, I don't know.

And everybody was like, Brittany, please don't do this to yourself.

I'm like, No, I'm going to do it.

And now she's like, Ow, ow.

So get those out at least, you know, that get the last reminder of Jax out of you.

She really should get those out.

So they're all joking.

Like, Jesse's like, I'll do it with you.

I'd just look in the mirror and see two Jax heads staring back at me every time.

Just like an old Benny Hill show,

just like that.

They just snort every time.

They just snort and sweat.

What's that noise?

Oh, my baby's just snorting again.

I've got some clean eggs for my boobs.

They're snorting.

Michelle, seeing Chris and Nia, is it giving you baby fever?

Sometimes yes.

Sometimes no.

I remember not sleeping well and your back hurting, but then I remembered that was because I was sleeping next to Jesse and he is pointy.

It hurts my back.

I have a constant dream that I'm having another baby that comes out with a little beanie on its head or a headband, and I cannot let myself do it.

Although, Aaron wants multiple children, but I will not do it.

I said, No, that is not going to happen, but I am open to it.

And do you think you're going to get engaged to Aaron?

And she's like, There is no rush, but that is the goal.

How can you not want to get married to a man whose eyes bob out every time you come in the room?

Or anybody comes in the room.

Or when he's sleeping generally.

I love bobbing eyes, Andy.

Poor Michelle.

So

they, they just broke up or announced their breakup like five days ago.

So it's always so harsh when this happens on Bravo when they're on TV talking about their future and they know it's already, we know it's already never going to happen.

So I think it's sad.

I think it's actually great.

I mean, she's dating a guy who's selling honey called kilo.

His dog's called kilo.

And all of the descriptions on the website are like, yeah, you craving kilo?

yeah, get your stash trying to kidnap all the kilo delivered to your house.

I mean, it's obviously another Coke fan.

I mean, you know,

as a as a Coke fan, I say that's probably not great for the for the kids to well, yeah.

I'm not saying he's the right guy, but I'm just saying, like, it's a when you see her talking, like, yeah, there could be a future here, and you're like, No, no, it's already over.

So, this season, we saw not one, but two married couples reach their breaking point and file for divorce.

Anyway, I want to start with Jesse and Michelle, America's sweethearts.

Michelle, last season we saw your relationship on the rocks and Jesse fighting to keep the marriage together or at least doing fake tears and having one day of ayahuasca.

What was the tipping point that made you leave?

The only answer is his personality, but let's see what you have to say about it.

Did you watch season one, Andy?

Or am I, why do I have to explain this to you?

It was a lot.

You know, I was tired every day day of the same thing you are always diminishing me that you are putting me down and that is the bare minimum and she's like why do i want to be with somebody who treats me like you know old dead eyes over there's an asshole what more do you want from me you know and then at one point it's our anniversary and i looked at him and i saw nothing in there but swirling smoke and i asked myself is this how you want duville every day until you die and so i left you know

And so he's like, well, we saw you guys struggling to co-parent.

That was fun.

Has it gotten any better?

And Jesse's like,

it was pretty good.

We're pretty good when it comes to decisions for Isabella.

You know, is your mom a whore?

Yes, we agree.

So that's pretty good.

But we struggle with

something else.

Oh, she says that.

Wait, what did he say?

Oh, I know that she weaponizes Isabella and I weaponize Isabella.

We both weaponize Isabella.

You know, she's still at that age where she's easy to like physically throw at each other.

And

so we do that.

It's like a pillow fight, but with the toddler, you know?

We put her into a can and shoot her at each other.

It's my turn to put Isabella into my canyon.

Canyon.

I'll put one of those little plastic baby sporks into

her hand and then I'll fling her across the room and hope she gets Michelle in the the eye you know it's just it's it's a fun game we play andy so uh

you know someone on twitter uh tweeted the following he goes it's so weird clearly jesse is problematic but i can't put my finger on why michelle comes across so unlikable and he doesn't um

I would say, well, first of all, I think the answer to that is obviously like ingrained misogyny, right?

I think that's like step one.

But step two is like, I feel like Jesse is,

he's always on the offense and she's always on the defense, I feel like, well, not all, not all, not all the time, but a lot of the time.

But like Jesse is given space to like smile

and laugh and be charismatic.

And she has to be like, look at this asshole, guys.

Look at this asshole.

And then people are like, boo, Michelle, you're so boring.

You're so lame.

You're not funny.

You're not charismatic.

Don't you feel like that's fucked up?

Isn't it fucked up?

Well, that's how they do it on these shows.

On the Founder Pump Rules show, that's like a long-standing tradition where the guy comes on and he acts charming.

He acts like an asshole off-screen, but he has a lot of charm and some looks.

I mean, this guy is an ex-model, you know.

And they come on and they act like, oh, I'm doing all the right things.

I'm going to therapy and trying to work things out for the sake of the baby.

When meanwhile, they're calling their wife fat off-screen, screaming at them, staying out all night, going through over a million dollars in cash throughout the year while their wife is stuck at home with the kid, probably cheating, doing all of this other crap,

making them crazy.

And so then they come act charming on TV and are like, and then say one little thing to keep pushing after pushing and pushing.

And then she gets mad.

And then everyone's like, God, she's a bitch.

And he's a real handsome, charming guy.

I can see why he wants to leave her.

We've seen it happen with Tom and Katie, you know?

Tom did that for years with Katie.

We see it with Tom Sandoval and Ariana, how he tried to play that off.

I mean, he got caught, but he tried to play that off the whole last season.

Like, she's just frigid and doesn't want anything to do with me, bro.

We see it with Jax and how Jax has always been with Brittany, you know, just trying to push her and then be like, why are you yelling at me when I'm trying to make all these changes?

I mean, it's Bravo.

It's a Bravo standard.

You know, pull out the charms.

I think you said it so perfectly.

Pull out the charm, make the woman look fucking crazy.

And the thing that makes me crazy is the women who fall for it.

And I see it all the time in the comment sections too.

You know, Michelle's job isn't to make you feel like she's charming and fun, guys.

She's not trying to date you.

She's just trying to fucking survive with the kid for Christ's sake.

Yeah, you couldn't have said it any better.

Like, this is not even really up for debate.

Like, I'm so 100% in agreement with you on this one.

Like, I just think it's so unfair that, like, these guys like Jesse come out here and he says, well, you know, she weaponizes Isabella.

And we all know, we don't even need Michelle to explain how he does it too.

We all know that he does because we see him doing it.

Him actually saying that right now on screen is him weaponizing Isabella.

And like, then she gets she has to defend herself and she has to set the record straight and she gets mad.

And when, you know, when women get mad, they're hysterical.

When men get mad, they're brave or whatever.

And I think it's just bullshit.

I'm like, totally team Michelle on this entire reunion.

I just want to say that.

Well, especially if you add up all the stuff that Jesse does, it's like people, and I do think that Jesse does have charm.

He seems like he's a cool guy when he's not acting like completely fucking psycho.

But, you know, tip one, dead eyes.

I'm sorry and yes you can help it hair dent i'm sorry tip point five before tip one hair dent

tip three instead of going to therapy he goes to men's ayahuasca retreats okay which is like a drug trip let's be honest with with the guys Tip four, his entire personality and everything that he says.

Tip number five, constantly calls you a whore whenever he doesn't like you or tells all of your friends that you're literally a whore.

Going through all tip six, wouldn't let your daughter see your dying mother and yeah just doesn't matter what he says he he like he do that his instinct was to say no to that so yeah it makes me crazy too no it makes me crazy too but you know obviously michelle's not perfect michelle does a lot of stupid things too i mean michelle's whole like going with aaron two seconds after that's not that's not really great to bring a young kid into a new relationship so fast you know there's like a lot of stuff you could ding michelle on but i think on the overall you know the overall

relationship thing you look at how jesse treats michelle

yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna beat team michelle i think i think here's what works for jesse is that

he um

he he has a sense of humor and michelle doesn't really have a sense of humor like he'll make little jokes throughout the season

And he even makes little jokes at the reunion and he'll like laugh and smile.

And Michelle, like when she tries to make little jokes, they're like not very good.

And so I think that like people are like, she's not funny.

She's boring.

And then that's sort of like, that somehow like enters the

fray.

That somehow becomes part of people's decision on whether they're Team Michelle or Team Jesse.

And it really shouldn't be.

It's like whether or not she's boring.

It's like she's still like, she's dealing with a monster.

It's really hard on a show like The Valley when most of the people are terrible to kind of parse what's happening because everyone's terrible in one way, but they can still be right in a situation.

right?

So like Michelle to me is terrible in a lot of ways.

I mean, I'm never going to forget the season one thing of, you know, I was talking to Michelle and Michelle, you know, Michelle's a Republican, which look, I know a lot of Republicans.

It's not like I'm just going to hate you if you think differently than me, but her, that turned out to be

allegedly about don't say gay, you know, that law, don't say gay.

She's like behind that.

So, you know, there's stuff like that that, you know, we haven't really gone over again and again on the show, but like, I'm not going to like there's it's going to be a long time.

There's things like that.

There's always standing by Janet, even though Janet's so mean and terrible.

She's always going to stand by Janet, even though Janet started that whole thing in season one.

Janet ultimately is sticking by Michelle and they've made an alliance and they're going to stick together no matter what happens.

And so there's so many things about Michelle that I don't like.

But in this situation, Michelle is, you know, I choose Michelle over Jesse.

Jesse has 100%.

He has charm and he, like you said, he has humor.

He has a natural charm.

I mean, like she asked later in the episode, or maybe it's next week.

I don't know if it's in a preview, but where she's like, oh, really?

Who's paying your rent?

Who's paying your mortgage, Jesse?

Because you don't have any money.

And she's already insinuated that some rich guy's been paying his mortgage and stuff like that.

So he's got charm that he can live off of and that he gets by on, especially in a town like L.A., where you really just need a slight amount of charm and a lot of good looks, and you're, you're golden for your whole life.

Yeah.

So he's already living off of that.

So yeah, I'm going to cut Michelle a break on this.

You know, all the other stuff aside, she wins on this.

She does win.

And I just want to also point out that the counterbalance to her standing by Janet's side is that Jesse, of course, stands by Jax's side.

So those two really cancel themselves out.

Not that it really matters in this discussion, but I just always want to point out.

evil when I see it.

That's true.

So

anyway, sorry for that diversion.

See something, say something, something, Ben.

See something, say something.

It's really the best use of it, guys.

That person supports Jax.

Hey, wait a minute.

Those two are hitting each other with a toddler.

Back to weaponizing the baby.

So Jesse says that Michelle weaponizes the baby.

And she's like, no, I don't.

He goes, yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

No, I don't.

Let's read the comments online.

You weaponize your daughter.

Which point, Andy, Andy, by the way, I love Andy doing these reunions because as we've noted many times with Vanderpump and Southern Charms, a summer house, he doesn't give a shit about these people and he doesn't kiss their ass because they're not divas the way the housewives are.

So he's always ready to just sort of like cut them down when he can.

And he's like, um, excuse me, it's not up to the comments online to discuss, to determine who weaponizes what.

Yeah.

And he's like, okay, if you don't weaponize her, then explain what you said to my mom.

And she said to her mom, if you are going to, if you are not going to allow Isabella to see my mom, who is going to die, she will not be flying to Bosden for Christmas and spending the week in Bosden.

And he goes, ever again, you said, you said ever again.

And she said, exactly.

Exactly.

And he's like, well, she should.

And Janet's like, yeah, but she should have said that.

And hate to agree with Janet, but yeah.

Yeah, she should have.

100%.

That's not weapon.

That's not weaponizing your daughter.

For trying trying to fight the battle for you.

If your mom doesn't also, if your mom is also trying to agree that she shouldn't get to go see her, your mom should be standing up and saying, no, your kid needs to see the other mom before she dies.

Your mom would want that respect.

So fuck your mom too.

Yeah.

This also to me was not weaponizing the child.

I feel like weaponizing the child is like, hey, can you get me a new car?

If you don't get me a new car,

I will not let you see your daughter.

Like, that's what, not like, if you don't let my, if you don't let me see my daughter, by the way, if, if you,

and I think I, I kind of feel like anytime you have to start a sentence by saying, if you don't let me see, like, let me have my daughter for this moment, that means that the other person has inherently been weaponizing the child.

That's what I, that's, that's how it impresses me as.

And like, this is just saying,

this is a game of did for dad.

Yeah, it's a big did for dad.

Yeah.

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And by the way,

if one mother is dying, isn't that implicitly the same as saying, I'm not going to let my daughter see your mom ever again also?

I mean, think about it.

Yeah, a good point.

It's dark.

A good point.

Dark, but it's true.

This whole show.

You said ever again also.

You just didn't articulate it.

Yeah, this whole reunion is real.

Everything brought up is is fucking dark.

And so, Jesse's like, Well, she knows the truth.

She knows the truth of that story.

She goes, Okay, then what happened?

You know, it worked, and that is how I have to dog to you.

I have to treat you that way.

And he's like, But you weaponized Isabella.

And she's like, They're like, Her mom was dying, Jesse.

And he goes, Okay, but the truth is, I never said she couldn't see her dying mother.

She planned a trip to go to Italy with her boyfriend for two weeks.

And she wanted her sister to take the baby for the week and then let and then me take her for a week.

And I I hired a behavior therapist.

We hired a behavior there.

We did.

We.

And he's like to teach us about how to talk about mortality with a four-year-old.

Here's how you do it.

You sit the four-year-old down and you say, you remember that goldfish we bought you that you got at that birthday party, how it died and we fleshed it down the toilet.

That's what's happening to grandma soon.

So get your hugs in.

Take all the gum out of her purse.

This is your last chance.

I mean, it's your job as parents to sit down and explain how people die.

People die.

That's a fact of life.

Fucking explain it.

You need a behavioral therapist, Jesse, to

die.

Give me a fucking brace.

Sorry.

Yeah, I agree.

Well, because these are two people who don't understand emotions.

So they have to hire someone who like actually, you know, is a professional at explaining them.

Because,

like, why don't you ask?

I don't know, literally anyone else who has a child who's dealt with this because unfortunately, this is part of life.

Like, how do you just not ask a friend?

How did you, how did you deal with it?

Why don't you just go to Google?

Just chat fucking GPT.

I mean, it's this whole thing about hiring the, I'm not opposed to hiring a behavioral therapist at all.

I'm just saying it felt to me like it was a,

not a roadblock, but it was like it was a speed bump or something.

Like it was something that Jesse was insisting on intentionally to draw out this process so that we don't have to send Isabella to see the mom.

Like, that's what is why it's so stupid.

It's a fight over like, who gets to talk to the kid about mortality, right?

Yeah.

Who's going to do it?

Well, I get to do it.

No, I get to do it.

No, I get to do it.

Well, I'm not ready to do it.

So, until I do it, we're not going to see your mom because it's going to hurt you.

I mean, it's

just so gross.

You know, you don't need to, if it was, if the, and I'm being so kind of cynical about it because obviously the discussion isn't really, we need to talk to the kid about mortality.

It's like, like you're saying, we're just going to use this as a tentpole.

Yeah, well, he just, he was in this.

She's like, I want to see,

it's his way of saying no

without

to the request of letting the child see the grandmother without saying no.

He's going to be like, let me throw some bureaucratic element into it, right?

Like, this is, it's,

okay, before, before she sees the grandma, we have to go and talk to a mortality specialist or a behavioral specialist to discuss.

And then they're probably like, no, let's have a discussion about what we're going to say.

He just wants to throw some shit in to delay the process so that way he doesn't have to like cater to this inevitable situation.

Yeah.

And Michelle is like, yeah, and they told you the behavioral therapist or whatever that you forced us to go to were the ones that told you she needed to see my mom.

And they had to tell you that you needed to give me grace and you had to do all these things and you still didn't do them.

So like you still made me go to this behavioral whatever.

You didn't get what you wanted and you still, you still got your way.

Yeah.

And she's basically saying, you're acting like you're a saint for hiring this therapist for that way you could have a really, you know, like

thoughtful way of discussing mortality but actually what it was was that you were stubborn and didn't want to help out and you were hoping the that the therapist was gonna be on your side and they had to tell you no you're wrong and you still dug your heels in yeah so then uh what's the status of the divorce they have a custody agreement not uh you know ironed out but they still don't have a settlement he she has a lawyer he does not have a lawyer and um so she's just been paying out the ass for six months which i'm sure he loves because he's like from from the Jack school of, well, let's just keep making her pay for shit.

Yeah.

I'm not going to pay for it.

Precisely.

And Michelle's like, he represents himself.

So he thinks he knows the law.

And he's like, well, I've watched Suits three times, including Suits LA.

And I'm currently watching it now.

So

that was a joke, everyone.

Charm.

And Janice's like, do you guys think Jesse could pass the bar?

That'd be hilarious.

And Andy's like, well, I mean, it's a clean divorce.

You guys are broke.

So what's the issue?

And she's like well he got mad that i spent any money during the marriage so he wanted me to pay him back money i spent during the marriage and he's like no i did and she goes yes that is how it went and he goes well our entire divorce sadly has become this andy as you can see it tit for tat Well, yeah, when you were the one who blew through a million dollars of your savings while she was stuck at home with a baby and now you want her to pay back for whatever she did spend is fucking nuts.

It's crazy.

But he makes a suits joke.

And so everybody's fine with him.

Exactly.

And then he's like, yeah, it's just become tit for tat.

Andy goes, sounds like it, which is Andy's way of saying, like, you two fucking idiots need to figure it out.

Yeah.

So Jesse's like, well, she wants me to,

she wants me to pay her back for a Napa trip.

She's like, I don't want you to pay anything back.

Why don't you guys just call it even and shut up already?

And Janet's like, she's been asking that.

And let me tell you something.

As someone who's married to a lawyer, I just want to say quit broko.

Okay.

Thanks so much.

So he's like, yeah, Andy.

Well, I was working on it this week when I got her discovery.

She goes, oh, my discovery, huh?

And he's like, yeah, this war of attrition is exhausting.

I mean, I'm just done.

I mean,

I reached out to her attorney about how to move because I want her to move forward with Aaron.

I mean, I just need, I just want her to be in love, Andy, and have happiness.

But my life is a mess, but I want to start putting out fires where I can.

And I spoke to my attorney and Janet's like, aren't you representing yourself?

And he goes, yes.

And they're like, so you spoke to yourself.

And he goes, I have a team of consultants that I work with.

Okay.

So.

It's the Lisa Barlow's team.

She lent them to him.

So Jen's like, is that Jason?

Jess is like, I am not on the team.

I'm not on the team.

That was hilarious, though.

That's a good one, Janet.

So

war of attrition is exactly what Jesse is doing because that's where you wear down your opponent, you know?

And that's exactly what he's doing.

He's like, I'm not even going to get a lawyer.

I'm not going to make an effort to take this seriously at all.

I'm just going to keep, you know, filing random things to keep this going forever until she's broke and gives me what I want.

And then he gets to sit there and cry and be like, I just want her to start her new life.

And my life is a mess.

And yet he won't actually say why his life is a mess.

I mean, she'll say it, but then he denies everything and yet will, he denies all the money shit and yet is happy to claim the part that his life is a mess for sympathy.

So that's real convenient for him.

Well, he does say why.

His life is a mess because now he's trying to pay this huge mortgage with only half the income because they made money together.

But now that she's left him, he can't make the money because they were a business together.

Well, whose fault is that?

Whose fault?

You know, there's a way to still to divorce and still do business together, but like he fucked it up by being a total asshole.

And it also shows who did the business in that family because she's not complaining.

So apparently she's fine.

Yep.

Yep.

All right, Jesse.

How are things with your girlfriend in Orange County?

Do you two watch Baywatch together?

No, we do not.

Michelle, how's your relationship with Jesse's girlfriend?

Do you interact with her at all?

I don't have any sort of relationship with her, nor do I want to.

He's like, well, my girlfriend made the decision about a month after we started dating to reach out to Michelle to set boundaries mother to mother, which Harry never did to me.

Father to father.

And he's like, well, I mean, a month into the relationship seems pretty new.

And he goes, well, we'd been, we'd been together for a month and she'd been spending a lot of time with Isabella.

So, you know, she had the mother to mother call.

That's what people do.

Mother is to mother.

I think within a month is like very,

that's wild.

That's like very wild.

Like that's, that's so early to be having that phone call, if you ask me.

I don't know.

I think that's at that point, that's like a thing where where jesse and michelle have a conversation with each other but like that's way too early to do the mother-to-mother call if you ask me and i say this as someone who's not married and has never been in this position of course i don't know i wouldn't see a problem with it if it was a call that was like hey my name is you know alleged flat earther which i know is not true now because um we got an email about it but anyway it's still fine um so i've been dating jesse and i'm spending a lot of time with your kid and i just wanted you to know i have no you know i support you if there's anything you want me to know or whatever I'm not ever going to try and step on your toes.

I'm not here to become this kid's mother.

We know it wasn't that conversation.

You know, if it's something like that, that's just like, I come in peace.

If you ever need to talk to me or ask me anything, here's my number.

I know it might be weird that I'm hanging out with your kid, but I'm not trying to take, you know, if it's a conversation like that, I wouldn't have any kind of a problem with it, right?

I mean, I would probably do that.

I know what you're saying.

And that thought did cross my mind.

I was like, you know what?

Like, I think that would be a very mature, you know, good thing.

But I think that given how bitter the divorce is,

I don't know.

I think I would just like tread carefully.

And I mean, maybe, I mean, this is conspiratorial.

Maybe Jesse set this girl up for failure, knowing that it would piss off Michelle if this girl called Michelle.

And he was like, you should call Michelle and set some boundaries.

She calls Michelle.

Michelle bites her head off because she's like, who do you think you are, mother?

You know, there's like a flash in the pan, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know, like, I would not be surprised if Jesse were actually somehow behind this, but that is conspiratorial.

I understand.

Yeah, it's the wording.

The wording she called, she called Michelle to set some boundaries is pretty bizarre.

That's where it's weird.

To set boundaries, I was like, no, it's to receive boundaries.

Yeah, the music doesn't get to set the boundaries.

And, and given the like the seasoned assist that came, you know, later on, I just can't imagine that the conversation had the same vibe as you proposed.

Yeah.

So Michelle's like, I told Jesse our agreement was Aaron doesn't need to be involved and she does not need to be involved.

The decisions are between us.

And Brittany's like, well, you guys agreed to not have anyone around your child.

And Michelle did not have anyone around her child.

And you and Isabella never told Michelle

that

you tried to get mad because Michelle wanted to have Aaron around and you said no, because he was a man, but you were allowed to have your girlfriend around.

around so what the hell and then the next day she's braiding her hair so you're the one who messed up first you're the one who messed up first and I got it on my ring cam I got it on my ring cam

Brittany did a pretty good job of summarizing that I mean really it's fancy like yeah Jesse as much as Jesse likes to complain like oh Michelle Michelle went right into Aaron's arms right away it's like Michelle was like no I was actually yes I was with Aaron but I was not bringing Aaron around the daughter like our daughter and but you right away brought this new girl from Orange County around our daughter.

So then I was like, sure, I'm going to bring Aaron around the daughter.

So he says there's more to the story.

And the other side is that Michelle came up to him and said, I would never put my daughter in an unsafe position.

I can introduce her to whoever I want.

And Michelle's like, well, but I said when the dime is right, I will let you know and you can meet him.

And then you said, you're never, ever going to introduce a man to our daughter.

And he goes, well, what I said is it's different introducing a little girl to a girl who's also a mother, as opposed to a little girl meeting a 35-year-old guy who has a roommate when Michelle started dating him.

Okay, that's not a terrible point because there are a lot of creepy fucking men who date women just to have access to their children.

We know that.

It's, it's a crazy world.

It's a fucked up world.

That's not the most, that's not the craziest thing that Jesse has said.

However, you're getting a divorce and you no longer have that say.

Like you don't have that say.

Like you're getting a divorce and your wife, she's being nice and saying, I'll introduce you.

I'll keep this as open as possible.

You don't get to come in and make rules like that.

She's going to date whoever the fuck she wants and she doesn't have to, she doesn't have to tell you or introduce them to the kid at all.

She's being nice by offering that.

Yeah,

I think it's a double standard that he set up and I don't think it's, I don't think it's right.

So Brittany is like, that's control, Jason.

And Michelle's like, the roles are not the same.

That's the frustration.

And Janet's like, seems sexist.

I say that as someone who's married to a lawyer, so I understand these things.

And Jesse is like, well, I just thought it was different.

All right.

Well, what did, what did you make of the rumors your girlfriend was saying negative things about you?

He's like,

me.

I'm Jesse.

Yeah.

Who would say something negative about me?

I don't believe it.

And you know what I mean?

Like, she kind of holds my feet to the fire.

And I really love that.

So

Janet mentioned in Santa Barbara that this chick was threatening legal stuff.

And Janet's like, yeah, that's where it turned because she wanted to silence Michelle from talking about the Baywatch thing and a lot of other bullet points.

And Jesse's like, well, no, I mean,

other bullet points.

The Baywatch thing and other bullet points.

Of course, she doesn't mean he gets into the Dukes of Hazard thing.

So

wait till we get to chips.

Wait till we get to chips.

Knight Rider is not as is not up for discussion because that counts under the David Hasselhoff umbrella.

This woman even dated Kit.

So

Michelle Lolly is kind of like the kit of this cast.

Let's be honest.

I am here.

I am waiting out of front for you.

What do you need, Michael?

Down.

Damn it.

Lolly did for dad.

Did for dad.

Did for dad.

Did for dad.

Jesse, Judge, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.

Oh,

okay.

So, oh, Jesse's like, well, it was a cease and desist letter, not a lawsuit.

I mean, she didn't sign a contract.

She didn't take money like Aaron did to be on this show.

And she goes, Aaron did not take a dollar.

He just took a lot of free advertising for his go gay nunny.

Go gay nanny.

I was like, oh, but he sure showed up quite a bit.

But he's like, which is great.

If you're going to date somebody on reality TV, it's important to show up.

I'm like, Danny, who wanted to take nabs the whole time.

Ow, that was a stray.

Four strays under four.

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap.

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