#2949 Below Deck S12E09: Kell On Earth

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Hello, and welcome to Watch What Crap Ends, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me today without his sunglasses.

Wow.

Ronnie, welcome those beautiful new eyes here to Watch What Crapens.

Hi, Ronnie Karim.

What's going on?

I'm still a little bruised and swollen, but I don't feel like wearing glasses today.

So deal with it.

I'm the least bruised and swollen I've been.

So, you know what?

It's going to be, it's a gradual process, okay?

It's like healing.

It's very nice and very lovely, and your eyes look beautiful

so everyone welcome to below deck day

just when i was going to start complaining that below deck was kind of boring me this season in comes this episode to give me the sort of belly laughs i really needed on a monday i mean really just

just a plus work by wretched drunken guests i was just so happy i it was what it was just it's what i needed to start the week.

It made me so thrilled.

I was like, because for a while there, I was like, am I going to have to sit through the love rhombus again?

Is it just like endless with these people making out that I don't care about?

But thankfully, it didn't look promising at the start, did it?

It wasn't.

But then Kelly came along and she was like, you know what?

I'm going to do I'm going to be every single Ronnie Carom character you've ever seen rolled up into one person.

Democrats.

Democrats.

Democrats are doing that.

Democrats.

Democrats!

Demograms!

She was

hilarious, so awful, she became legendary.

I don't know if we have anything to announce except say thank you for everyone who came both to our Amazon live last night.

That's still up.

You can still check it out.

And,

you know, we recommended lots of fun stuff.

Ronnie gave us an insight into some of his iconic and famous face care routine.

So he has recommendations for that.

And I recommended three cookbooks that all feature some nice, fresh, healthy recipes.

So that's on Amazon Live.

And then we also did Crappy Hour.

Thanks to Misha for joining us from the big flop.

We had a really great time.

So, and of course, thanks to all the listeners who showed up and commented and engaged.

We always appreciate that.

And of course, on patreon.com/slash watchcrappins, you can watch, not just listen, with crap ins on demand.

So, hi, everyone.

There, we did a really fun bonus episode this week where we talked about our entire experience in Las Vegas, the highs and the highs, going to the Backstreet Boys concerts, the lows of the lows, having my flight just up and canceled by Delta, and me having to suddenly drive out and through the desert

at the last minute to Vegas.

So it was a really fun time.

So go check that out.

And that's all that there is about that.

Let's get into some below deck, shall we?

Yacht Club Alde Sol Since Martin.

So everybody's fucking basically making out.

doing their thing.

Bunch of mids boning, basically.

You know who's really hot, Jess?

My God, she was on Watch What Happens, which I didn't watch.

Well, I watched a little clip that was on Instagram, kind of, but you know, it was boring because it was below deck people.

No offense, Below Deck people, but I don't know.

Don't talk on shows.

Just talk on your own show.

Don't do interview shows because they're like, oh, because no one's ever spicy on those shows, you know, everyone's in service.

So by the time they get to the show, they're just like, I'm so sorry.

He's like, well, what about you kissing her and then kissing her and then kissing her, but then going back and kissing her, but then kissing her.

And she's like, well, I take full responsibility for it because it wasn't cool.

But, you know, thinking back on it, I take full responsibility.

So Blood Deck people on Watch What Happens Live are always like, I'm sorry, but God, she's gorgeous.

Damn.

Yeah.

I didn't watch.

I didn't watch.

She is a hottie, but she's also a fuck girl.

I guess is that the equivalent?

Is that the analog of that?

I think, I think just a fuckboy is fine.

I don't know.

Fuck girl sounds weird, right?

I mean, I know she does sound weird.

We'll just say her.

She's a fucking girl.

She's still a fuckboy.

She's got fuckboy behavior.

Also, she

is hot.

No, just kidding.

Well, they always have to be scared.

You were also, what I was going to say is you were completely right last week because I called, I was like, you know, I think, no, I think, you know, maybe she has like some Playboy, you know, attitudes or whatever, but I think she really means it with Barbara.

and then immediately like and you're like nope that's a fuckboy and then five minutes later i mean literally yeah

like

well it's crazy this she's she's actually one of the fastest moving fuckboys we've seen on bravo i mean she was kind of like she trumped carl and his hayday jesse what's jesse what's solomon um many vanderpump rules people she really she moved with with a speed that was alarming and i thought shitty too i would also like to add yeah i was shitty and you know not to excuse her, okay, but just to make excuses for her, because that's totally different.

I think maybe it's probably different when you're like used to being the only gay person because, you know, once you're presented with multiple opportunities, gay people on below deck aren't used to that, you know?

It's like there's usually you're the only one, if there is any.

And if there are more than that, I think it's, and they're both into you, it's like, whoa, not, you know, Selene's not gay, but she's under the umbrella.

So I think she's just like, whoa what do I do there's so many opportunities

yeah yeah I think she was definitely kid in a candy shop uh but guess what you work on a yacht not a candy shop so stop doing that uh I thought it was I think especially I was angry because we love Barbara so much and I was like don't you do that to Barbara Barbara is our is the hero of our of the season for us don't don't play with her heart like that okay don't play with her bangs her beautiful curly bangs don't

barbara's not one of those girlfriends who's just you know just like some frilly like plaything i think barbara would like have a farm you know she'd like have a farm she'd like have planted a fall crop for you and your children you know she's a true

shown all your clothes or something like

she's like a true real deal lesbian like you make out with her you're signing a contract for nine years you know and she's like what you already reneged that quickly like you know she's like uh-uh not gonna happen Yeah.

So Fraser is talking to Jess and she's like, oh, yes, I did kiss Barbara like you told me.

And Barbara's like, you know, I haven't been with the gay girl for so long, but, you know, she's a good girl.

I like her and I'm having a good time.

But it just changed so quickly.

It's crazy.

I'm so happy.

Like, we're, you know, here we are so in love.

And then immediately

it's over.

Yeah.

And then they're like, you know, sitting with each other and being cute.

And Jess is like, don't be awkward now.

And she's like, I'm not awkward.

She's like, you're so awkward.

It's like flirty post-kiss banter, you know.

And, you know, Barbara's like, she is being a little awkward, but because I think Barbara has finally maybe opened herself up to the possibility of maybe something with Jess because Jess begged her incessantly last episode.

It was like non-stop.

Like, don't you feel like there's something with you and me?

Because I feel like there's something with you and me.

Let's kiss.

I feel like we have something.

I think we should get married.

And Barbara's like, fine, fine, fine.

So begging and begging and begging.

Now that it's happened, then we go over to Kyle.

Literally said, I don't want to kiss anybody else but you.

Yeah,

literally sold a blatant lie.

So then we go over to Kyle, who like goes over to Selene and he's like, well, I've got something to say to you.

She's like, oh, I'm listening to you.

She's like, well, you know, I thought we were going good, but I felt horrible.

But you and Jess went and did your thing.

So I'm taking my name out of the race.

Like, I'm going to stop trying to kiss you.

I'm going to stop trying to cuddle.

But I will keep reminding Jess that we did kiss in the closet this morning.

And he tells us, Yes, I'm definitely mama's boy.

You know,

whenever I'm sad, she just tells me, get the fuck over it.

You're worse.

Slaps me on the back of the head.

Enough of your shit.

Get on with it.

Like, really?

Because

you need her.

I think you need her here to slap you on the head and tell you that.

So he's like, okay, so we're broken up.

I just stopped everything to be like, okay, stop.

Kyle is sad right now.

Let's see how this relates to his mother.

Okay, now the shoke is back up again.

But I don't think we got an Instagram wall.

So that was good.

We did get one.

Yeah.

What's even on his Instagram wall?

I think I just ignore those.

That's why they don't bother me.

I think they just, I think I just filtered them out or something.

But like, what's even on there?

Is it him like drinking a pint?

I would just imagine it's him drinking pints in different, you know, fashions of kilt or something.

I think so.

I think

it's just, I try not to actually look at the pictures anymore because they make me so mad, the Instagram walls, because now that I've like declared that they make me mad, they actually make me angrier and angrier with each subsequent episode.

So I have now so so much rage against them because I've now gone down a path.

I imagine his is like,

you know, like the, the, uh, a pint he's drinking or a peaky blinders meme, you know, maybe like the goat he took to prom or some shit.

Standing on top of like a small mountaintop with his, like, shirtless with his hands out, you know, that's a classic thing that yacht like deck hands do in their photos.

Yeah, a lot of things covered in mud, you know, where you're like, why is he muddy?

You know, stuff like that.

so then he breaks up with her basically, even though they're not dating.

He's one of those guys who got dumped like weeks ago, and then he's like, You're ugly anyway, because

uh, she dumped you already.

So he's like, Oh, so good, you know, good, let's shake hands.

Good game, good game.

So they shake and shake, uh-oh, I've been now scorned by two people in row.

This will not happen.

I'm not children.

So she goes right into gear to get somebody else on the hook because this girl is not going to take

one person breaks up with you you know if you get broken up with too many times you're out of there so she gets to work

yeah exactly she she really does meanwhile anthony is making ribs he's eating ribs and rainbow's eating a salad

and then uh which i don't know it's actually funny because i did like sort of pause and like think about i like had like a moment where i thought about their process of why they decided on those things.

It's not really relevant for the podcast.

So Anthony's like fisher and i sometimes we need to put everything on the table and i think the best way to keep a relationship is like a friendship like this you know and you know i feel good you know like i feel like me and fraser like we broke the tension i was like

you

you smash your hand into a switch on the wall and then fraser came in and said enough with this already what is the problem and then you simpered for a moment and then it was done

and he was acting like they had they're on top of they went to some like, like miraval or something and like did a sound bath and had this giant therapeutic cleansing.

It's like, you guys, Clay Praser said, just get over it.

And you said, okay, I'll get over it.

And it was done.

Meanwhile, he's sitting here talking about how, wow, he's gotten over somebody betraying him because he got it out on the table while he's sitting there eating with somebody who just betrayed him, Rainbow.

Also, I wish Rainbow had heard Kyle's confessional about his mom smacking him on the back of the head and telling him to get the fuck over it.

She would have thought, she would have have been so triggered.

She'd been like, I know what that's like.

It's so horrid.

So then we go to, oh, he's just, oh, now he's talking to Fraser.

And he's like, oh, oh, no, we just see the flashback to yesterday.

I'm sorry.

So then we go to Selene and Damo because she's got to get somebody back.

You know, she's the bombshell.

So she's like, with no sunshine, there's no rainbows.

Which isn't, I mean, I guess that's true, but that's not the saying right like it's got to rain without there's no i don't actually know the saying actually yeah something can't be rainbows without rain meaning like you know once it's when the things are bad then you know that's when the rainbow

rainbow yeah that's a stupid saying because it's kind of like the saying should really be like

when it rains sometimes once in a while rare enough that people stop and look at it, there's a rainbow, but usually there's not one.

When shitty things happen, sometimes it's just a shitty thing and you have to deal with it.

Yeah.

I just like to say, you know, sometimes great and all, but it also causes cancer.

That's my saying.

So when someone's like giving me toxic positivity.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thunder always happens when it rains.

You know, is that the lyric?

Yeah.

Thunder always

happens when it rains.

Yeah, it's just, I needed a moment for the Fleetwood Mac

sounds to kick into my head.

And it was like,

it was like coming to life.

It was like crawling up a hill.

Like, I'm coming.

I'm coming to you.

By the way, that's a lie.

I don't know where Fleetwood Mac have been living, but

I'm just going to say that right now.

Sometimes when it rains, there's no thunder.

I feel like there's just so many fallacies about all these, all these cute sayings about rain.

I think

rain is just rain.

Songs lie.

Songs lie.

Yeah, songs are fucking liars.

You know the biggest lying song that's ever been written?

What?

Yeah.

The big lie.

Hansen, fucking liars.

So she's like, what?

And he's like, tell me what happened with you and the girls today.

And so they gossip about the girls kissing.

And he's like, you don't like that?

Just, no, me completing.

I'm completely okay with everything.

I just shortened eyebrow.

I just shortened eyebrow a little bit.

Oh, I'm fine with it.

I don't care.

I'm not bothered at all, which is why I'm flirting with my 90th person on the boat.

Attention.

Please give me attention.

I really like Jess.

And I just really want people happy.

But if she feels bad when she saw me kissing you, sounds bad.

Like, you know, like she likes me, but she's scared to like me more.

And Demo's like, so what?

Does it happen to you a lot?

People being scared to like you?

She's like, no, because I'm hot.

He's like, really?

Because you don't think the same thing happened with Stilly?

She's like, oh, Steeley.

Oh, shit.

another person who broke up with me today okay we really need to make up now make out

yeah but still he wasn't scared to like her steam was so full of so she's like i don't like it i feel like baby in street like people don't doesn't want to look at this i'm not like yeah this i don't like feeling but of course i'm human i have art big art big heart but most of the time i try to hide because if i look like i don't have heart i'm rock and stuff like that people don't care she's like explaining gray rocking I like that she watched a season finale of Vanderpump rules before she got on the boat she's like I'm like rock gray lock gray baby poop in the street she's like baby poop it's like if a baby ate a rock and pooped out the rock that's what she would be what's going on in France that you all are just letting your babies shit all over the street I mean come on now

I just like how she's like She's like, I just feel like baby poop in the street.

People just want to avoid me.

She's like, I would like someone to step in me.

I want someone to put their foot in the baby boot

um so then uh demo is what are you gonna do she's like i'm drink water

so basically meaning i'm ignoring it i'm just gonna continue being hot and wait to trap somebody else so um now a phraser announces that it's time to get out in 30 minutes

So Damo tells Celaine that he's in love with her and he doesn't want her kissing Jessistille anymore.

And she's like, I don't trust you.

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So now it's time Fraser reminds everybody to tip the gorgeous waitress.

Which Which I thought

I thought it was going to be a

they were setting up some drama like they were all pulling together the tips and someone's not going to tip and who's the one who's not going to tip and I can't believe this person didn't tip and no, no, no, they just they just tipped the waitress.

That's it.

Yeah.

So then

Selena started talking to Daemon and she's like, normally I don't think.

Yeah, well.

But now I start to think that I want to be in trouble always.

I don't know.

I'm going to be in in trouble.

And so they kiss.

And Anthony sees it, and Jess sees it, and Jess doesn't love it.

And then Kyle's like, well, it sucks to be on the other end of this shit.

Like, what the fuck?

But more than anyone was quite aware that I was a bit ticked off about the situation.

These people are fucked.

These people are fucked.

And they're like making out in this pool.

And then the camera widens up.

And we see that there's just a guy in like a t-shirt in the pool, just chilling next to them.

And Fraser's like, These poor other tourists beside them are trying to have a good day, and meanwhile, they've got a pawn shoot, and that guy's just hanging out while they're just like going to town right next to him.

It's a pretty brilliant shot.

So then Damo is saying, Now they're doing this thing where he's like, Am I going to be in trouble?

You know, but with Scottish, no, Scottish, I don't think he care.

This is what they do.

This, this is like a repeat thing that bravo lebridies, especially, but like fuck boys,

um, just like like slutty people in general do, is that they do something shitty and then they come slinking back to the person that they messed up with and are like, am I in trouble?

Like, yes, you are.

And don't think that you can come slinking in all cute and you're off the hook.

Yeah, but none of them are because I, I don't know, this is like a just big

everybody makes out with everybody kind of a thing.

And then the people who with hurt feelings, those are like the people with like normal human feelings.

And I think the rest of us are like, well, okay that person has hurt feelings which means they are not completely traumatized too traumatized to have a relationship so perfect i'll go for one of them

um so hugo is just like wow it must be great to be by you can just have your cake and eat it too mate yeah

and um so they finally settle up with the bill and they get into the cars they're gonna go back to their villa because they actually weren't at their villa they were somewhere else they were at a day club and um then they're in the vans and barbara's like guys did you enjoy your day what was your best parts and jess is like when i got to kiss you so you know and then they start to make out in the backseat and they're just really going at it and you're like oh okay maybe this jess and barbara thing has legs and maybe it's gonna happen

so he goes giving salane shit he's like so now you have three boyfriends girl he's like you have three boyfriends now she's like no no zero baby poop street

and uh rainbow's loving it you know she's like what in a beautifully ancestral crew i'm so friends with everybody now

It's gonna go great.

Yes, you guys like me, right?

Look, I'm doing the things that people do to have friends, right?

So like, it's not a triangle, it's a square.

So then he's like, make it octagon.

So they go to the villa and Damo comes to try to talk to Kyle, but Kyle doesn't really like him now because he's a shitty friend, you know?

Right.

So Damo's like, why are you running away from me, mate?

He's like, I'm not running from you.

I'm running to get a drink, which is away from you.

Thank God, you stinky piece of of crap.

So then, Instagram wall demo.

Am I a bad friend?

Probably.

I kiss Selene.

I don't regret it, though, but

I don't know that I shouldn't have done it.

But that being said, would Caroline this situation do anything different for me?

I don't think so, because right now, I'm in a selfish period of my life.

So I do shitty things to like patch my mate's ex-missus, even though I know it's going to upset him.

I don't care that you're in a selfish period of your selfish period of your life means that you're going to, I don't know, not go out with your friends because you're going to focus on like

staying late at the job so that we can get ahead in your career.

Selfish does not mean being shit to people.

It's a big difference.

Well, it can mean it, but you know, he's like one of those people who's very self-aware.

So that makes it okay in his mind.

Like, well, okay, I'm being selfish, but I'm deciding to be selfish.

So at least I'm, but that makes it worse because like you're willingly being a bad friend to somebody, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, and you're going to actually like wrap it up under the guise of some sort of weird self-help thing, like empowerment.

Like, I'm being selfish with myself right now.

So, if it means that, like, I'm going to shit on my friend who like I've built some sort of connection with and we live in the same room with, so be it, because it's for my own self-improvement.

Like, go fuck yourself.

Yeah.

Um, so then Selene jumps into the pool and starts saying, Look at me, I'm wet, I'm wet, I'm mama, I'm mama loaded,

which Which

Lady Marmelade

should be, you know, hilarious to me.

But I'm like, you kind of are marmalade because

it's like really pretty and you're supposed to want it, but I just never do.

It's like gross.

It's like gross.

Just give me some grape jelly.

You know?

Yeah.

How do you rate between jam, jelly, marmalade, marmalade, and preserves?

How do you rank them?

Fuck, Mary, kill, and kill again.

I would put it in the order you just gave, except put preserves third and marmalade last.

Marmalade is the one that gets really killed.

Yeah, I just...

Preserves is accidental kill.

Marmalade is like, yeah, that was first degree homicide.

Marmalade is a little try-hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, I agree.

Although, I guess, I don't know, I do like orange marmalade.

Also, it's funny because I say marmalade and you say marmalade.

Just because Elaine just said it like that.

So, you know, I'm sounding classy because I just heard it on TV.

It's classy.

It's a day for classiness.

You know, Bravo was nothing but classy last night.

So, yeah, so she's like, she's in this white dress, which is, of course, now completely see-through because it's wet.

And she's, you know, super hot.

And she's like, look at me.

I'm mamalad.

I'm mamalad.

And just has now got a lady boner.

And like literally just foaming at the mouth.

I'm surprised.

There's like, I'm shocked there was not like a line of drool going from her lips down to like the, the floor.

She couldn't even hide the fact that she was in some sort of game that she was using Barbara as a pawn in.

She just was

looking at Sulane.

Yeah, and Sulane knows what she's doing.

You know, she gets back in her white dress, jumps in the pool.

So now she's all bubilicious

and, you know, of course, calling attention, like, look at me, I'm mama lad.

And so just falls right for it, you know, like goes towards the siren siren and crashes right into the rocks.

And she goes up to her and she's like, are you wearing anything pink?

She's like, no, you smell really good.

Not even your perfume.

You, you smell good.

So now they make out and Barbara's just watching this like, yeah, I'm done.

I'm done.

I was just thinking of all of the vegetables that I could plant by fall and pickle by spring for this woman.

And already she's with marmalade.

Yeah, that was a quick turnaround.

By the way, credit to Celine for some beautiful swimming moves.

She had to have been on a swim team at some point.

I mean, she was doing the butterfly.

She was doing a beautiful backstroke, her dive into the pool.

She was really showing off a lot of talent there.

Maybe that's what she was doing.

Well, she'll need him because eventually her ass is going to get thrown overboard.

Yeah.

She's trying to do it.

Yeah.

So Barbara is not happy about this whatsoever.

And she's telling Fraser, she's like, I'm done with Jess.

Of course, Fraser was accomplice to this because he was the one who was like, Barbara, I really think that you should be open to making out with Jess.

She's into you.

You should try it out.

I mean, Fraser had to know that Jess was playing a game too.

Fraser was smart.

He just wanted to create some mess on the boat, as usual.

I think he just wanted the girl to get some, you know, which is good because Fraser's got a hardened little heart, you know?

He's not going to be sitting around moping over Damo, but

he's used to it.

But Barbara's a sweet soul.

She's not used to it, guys.

She can't do this.

So now it's

17 years until charter.

17 years hours later sometimes.

17 hours until charter 7.02 p.m.

Selene and Jess are still making out.

Barbara's over it.

And she's like, oh, if I'm into someone, I would never change my mind in less than one hour.

At this point in my life, I don't have time.

Like, I do not have time for this.

Like, I have 17 hours till charter, still not time.

I don't have time.

So Barbara's like, yeah, I'm going to go change.

So now it's raining.

And now Selene's just full-on topless.

Yeah, just topless.

And then Jess is like, well me telling barbara that i just want to kiss her it was in that moment which is i mean talk about a bullshit line right there it was just in that moment that was my truth i was being honest for that moment that is what i wanted right then

i've been in three serious relationships since the age of 17 since i came out and this is kind of my first time exploring and i want to grow i want to experiment and i want to feel these things i mean I look a little bit of a tosser right now, but I'm okay with that.

Okay, you can explore and you can grow and experiment.

Just don't do it like all at the same time.

Okay, like you're not in a multiverse.

Pace it out.

Don't do it in front of other people.

Just find a way to do it respectfully.

Yeah, you can do it, but don't just tell somebody you're the only person here I want to kiss.

Like, I've made up my mind.

It's you.

You.

Yeah.

You're the one I've been looking for this whole time.

I've tried every sample in the Costco and it's you, chicken salad.

You that I'm purchasing.

And then go off and buy the tuna salad.

The fuck.

The rude.

Yeah, 100%.

It's like, don't do the hard pitch like that.

And then switch it up.

Think about the sample person you just hurt.

That was someone's papa.

It was.

And think about the person you just was waiting in line.

That was someone else's papa.

Yeah.

So Damo is still trying with Kyle.

He's like, are you sure we're good?

And Kyle's like, mm-hmm.

He's just looking at him like, mm-hmm.

And he says, all is fair, all is fair,

which basically means all is fair in love and war.

And Damo says, well, this ain't marriage love and this ain't marriage love and war this is just fucking about and he's like yeah that's what I'm saying that's what I'm saying it is yeah it's all good yeah if you just hurt your friend's feelings then no it's not just fucking about and you knew that these people are terrible they really are they're just garbage I was like Jess is garbage I was like, I liked Jess, but I'm like, oh, she's garbage.

Man,

another person added the garbage pile of this season.

So then Damo's garbage too.

I was sort of liking Damo, but now I'm like, he's garbage.

They're all really garbage.

So then Jess and Selane's room, they take a shower tonight and

bone, basically, right?

Oh, is this where they bone?

Maybe it's later.

Yeah, now they're talking about watches.

Like, can I wear you watch?

And Selene's like, absolutely not.

She's like, too late because I feel like that's another step in our relationship.

So then they're like making

dinner and everything, and they're cooking because they know that

cook with Anthony.

He's going to lose his mind again.

Like,

why does no one want to cook hot dog with me?

La lamb once again alone cooking hot dog.

So, uh, Jess and Barbara are like setting the table, and Barbara, it's like very awkward.

Barbara's like not talking, and she's like, I'm avoiding Jess because I don't even really want to be her friend now.

Like, what do I have to say?

I'm just so done with all this fucking drama.

I don't need this.

I don't need this.

And it's like, I get that.

It's like, why am I even going to talk to you?

Like, you've shown your true colors.

Like, you're just a garbage person whose word I can't take and you're manipulative and you use me in a pond for your own gratification.

Get out of my life.

And you can tell Barbara is really pissed because she's putting down plates in the most passive aggressive way ever.

She's like holding a stack of plates and then she's like lifting them and dropping them on the place and then dropping the bottom one and then lifting them again and moving to the next place and dropping them.

It's like very slow.

It's like a

very passive aggressive construction arm that's just like moving.

You really feel the negative space in the air.

No words being spoken.

Drop.

Right.

While she won't drop it.

It's like a mechanical, cold plates going down with no love or affection, just in their most robotic state.

Yes.

You're going to bow your head and listen to my conveyor belt drop these plates for one hour and a half.

It's going to take me to drop these plates.

And you can just stew in it.

Think about the garden you were about to have.

Yeah.

So Fraser is like, ladies and gentlemen, dinner is ready.

Okay, this is something that's just like a little thing, but Fraser at the

Isle of Pusset or wherever they just were at the club was announcing to everybody like, we're leaving a tip for the gorgeous waiter.

It's like he's one of those people who announces so he can take credit for the tip, even though he's not going to leave the tip.

And now he's doing that thing where he's like doing the announcement for the dinner, which he didn't make, you know?

He's just a, he's a credit stealer there, I'm saying it.

Yes.

Wow.

I never thought of that before with Fraser, but that's definitely something to flag and keep an eye on.

He's like a manners clout

stealer.

Wow.

Everyone's worst side is coming out today.

Yeah.

So they're talking about how Selene is kissing Jess at the table and how they already banged in the shower today.

And

Fraser was like, They were both in the shower.

And Jess is like, We were just chatting like nothing was happening, which we know is a lie because we have sound effects.

Yeah, we heard the sounds.

We heard the ah, ah, mama lad.

So Jess is like, I mean, Soso is my kryptonite.

I'm attracted to her.

I know we have feelings for each other, and I love the excitement that I have with her.

You're so addicted to the good parts.

Keeps you hooked.

Yeah, well, enjoy it now because my prediction is that Stilly gets fired for sleeping with a guest and they bring in Dylan, Soso's ex, to take a spot.

And then Soso goes back with him and Jess, you're left in the dust.

And all you have there is the shadow of Barbara that you can make out with.

You think that's going to happen?

I've decided, that's my theory.

I was like, they've shown Dylan way too many times in the flashbacks that it just has to be a setup for him coming onto the show.

Ew, gross.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

So sorry.

Now it's, they finish dinner and they go back to their rooms and Barbara is

Selene goes out into the beach chair and Jess joins her.

And Barbara's just sitting there like, awesome.

So Jess is like, so how was your day?

And Selene says, I kiss Barbara.

No, I don't kiss Barbara.

But night is not finished.

Night is not finished.

I mam a lot.

So Kyle is sleeping naked on the bed.

And

Damo's like, yeah, people can't do it this long drinking.

And Hugo's like, um, I know he actually wasn't as wild as I thought he was going to be.

Look at him sleeping.

That's crazy i'm glad hugo got to say something today poor guy yeah um also hugo may didn't maybe he hasn't seen last season because kyle will definitely get wasted uh but the thing is he's like sad kyle right now so sad kyle just wants to drink and go to sleep as opposed to happy kyle who wants to drink and then go running around the entire you know resort so that's all that was but i love that this entire scene happened with like demo and hugo having an entire conversation and kyle is like full on just naked on that bed and they put like a little like they put some drawers on, like over his dick to hide it.

But like, Kyle's like flopping over and whatever, but like in the background, just like Kyle just, just, just passed out in the, in the buff while they're just having a conversation.

Yeah.

So, um, Damo says, well, he was loyal to Stilly, but he's not a good friend.

And he was in deep, deep at the start.

And then Jess has come all along, and that's not so bad.

And Hugo's like, wow, they have a great boyfriend, you know, like a great romance.

I hate to see it end like this, you know?

I mean,

it's messing up bro code.

So he's like, yeah, if everything is whatever I fucking want, it's going to end up fucking fucking in a lot of fucking tears.

Fuck.

I couldn't say that when I was younger, so I'm going to say it a lot right now.

So then Jess and Celine decide to take yet another shower.

So maybe that's why there was confusion because they took a shower before and they take another shower right now.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

And Barbara, while they're doing that, Barbara is like, you know, to be honest, I don't know what's going on with Jess because I think that everything she said to me, nothing was true.

Her behavior was completely different than what she said.

And I would never invite someone in my mess.

I feel sad because I don't really even want to speak with Jess anymore.

Like, I can't even be friends with someone that talks to other people.

Like, you know, I would.

Like, that's the problem.

That's the problem.

I just don't like the feeling.

I just don't like how I'm feeling right now.

And then she starts to cry.

And I'm so mad at Jess for making our sweet Barbara cry.

Yeah.

And so then it's a mess.

Everything's a mess.

As usual, the kitchen's a mess.

There's alcohol bottles everywhere.

And now it's time to go back.

And Fraser's like, I didn't wear any underwear this weekend, everybody.

So then Demo is they're all excited to get back to work.

They're driving back to work and they're all like hungover and they're just like tired and yawning.

And Captain Carrie's like, good day, mate.

What was the place like?

You guys have a fun time.

You guys all bang each other.

And they're like, Fraser's like, stunning.

We got to the point yesterday where people just naturally stopped drinking and, in some cases, started whining like a little baby and accusing me of causing them their job.

I don't know who that was, but it happened with some people.

A lot of talk about how parents have ruined adult lives.

Well, all right.

Well, guess we're arriving at noon.

We're leaving here one or two o'clock, depending on the bridge.

All right, interior, let's meet in the primary to discuss the next charter.

Deck team, we're doing it in the other place because this below deck is different.

All right, let's have two separate meetings talking about the same thing.

Do it, Instagram walls.

So we meet this group.

Our co-primaries, Helen, owns a lingerie company, and Richard is a semi-retired real estate investor.

So we see the, we've had these people on before.

I didn't remember them at all, to be honest.

They just were strange people in big black wigs.

Yeah, I didn't really remember them either.

But I knew when we heard the description, it was going to be an extremely old person with someone that you don't ever want to see in lingerie.

Yeah.

Yep.

That's

so he's like, they're coming and they're used to being on yachts, which also means they're probably terrible.

So

we see flashbacks of them.

And even the flashbacks, I didn't really remember anything.

So Fraser keeps reading that the additional guest, Michelle, a podcast red carpet host.

And Kelly.

Michelle, a podcast red carpet host.

Is that a thing?

What does that mean?

Like she hosts, she goes to red carpet for podcasts or she works podcast red carpet events.

Do other podcasts have a red carpet before they start recording?

She's like, welcome.

Oh my God, Ben and Ronnie, you're about to do your 10,000 and 15th show and you're talking about below deck for the 6,700th time.

What are you feeling today before you sit down?

Here comes Bueller, ready to sit at his father's feet until he hears the magic words, we'll see you next time, everybody, and starts begging for food.

Bueller, what are you wearing and how do you shed so much?

That's it.

It's just like some people just have a step and repeat, just ready to go.

Bueller, Bueller, before you go in, what does your poop smell like?

You seem to want to smell it every single time you're outside.

What is it like?

Can I ask you, why do you pretend to bury your poop, but it's all in act.

You don't actually kick up any sand or make a hole.

You just kind of kick the air and then snort like you did something positive for the country.

Why do you do that?

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Then we also know that there's someone named Kelly, a corporate flight attendant.

I did not remember this detail about Kelly.

So she works in

hospitality, basically.

And she acts a fool this entire episode, which is kind of a flight attendant.

It kind of explains what's going on with the airlines lately.

Did you read that?

You were just talking about Delta fucking you over on the bonus episode.

Did you read that the Delta

A Delta pilot was arrested the next day?

They came onto a flight and arrested him off of the flight and took him off.

So there was another concert missed with them by my Delta flight was abruptly canceled because there was no pilot.

Was my pilot arrested?

What sort of criminals does Delta

this did happen on Saturday?

So I was wondering if that was that same flight.

Yeah, I was wondering if it was the same thing.

It was in San Francisco, but I'm wondering if that was a flight that could have been coming to LA.

That could have 100%.

That 100% could have been a thing.

Yeah, because at first I thought it couldn't be Ben because that would have been Friday, but I was in Vegas on Friday to see Beyonce.

You were not there.

So that would have been Saturday to you.

But Beyonce's like, oh, he proved of that.

I'm so mad.

He was arrested just after 9.30 p.m.

You know, that's unfortunate.

That would have been really cool.

If I could have attached myself to a national story, you know, it's my favorite thing in the world to do.

My craven, craven, self-involved soul always needs that.

And I alas, although maybe looking at the details of this case, maybe not such a bad thing to not be attached to this because this guy was arrested for some really heinous things, it turns out.

So

I didn't even read, they didn't even say what he was arrested for in the article I read.

Like

child sex abuse.

Oh, geez.

You know what?

Never mind.

I will stay away from that one.

Jeez.

And

they just fired so many people from the airline industry, didn't they?

I mean, like, can we filter who?

I mean, what the hell?

It seems like it.

Based on the fact that there were no pilots to take me to Vegas, and I had to.

Jeez.

God,

I wish they had put you on a plane with Kelly, the corporate flight attendant.

Democrats.

Democrats.

Sorry, Captain Carrie.

You don't got to tell me who gets to have tomato juice first, okay?

Side to side.

You guys are no fun.

You all are no fun in this plane.

So Captain Carrey

tells everybody they're going to have a beach picnic, and then they're going to to go to the Dutch side, the French side, the Orient Bay, the

Grand Case, all these places.

And they bring in all the choice, add all the toys.

Then there's a beach picnic, beautiful beaches.

The French side has nude beaches, which nobody needs to see any of these people nude.

None of them.

Okay.

Keep them on the boat.

For Christ's sake, the nude beaches need to start getting a scanner or something.

Scan the yachts before they let them land.

Yeah.

For dinner, the primary wants a cowboy theme because, I mean, what else would you get when you go down to the Caribbean?

And then Captain Carrie, yeah, they're just, he's like, they're gonna have a lingerie dinner too, so that's something to look forward to.

A true adventure.

And so then they're looking at all the pictures, and Captain Carrey's like, oh, who's gonna be the problem child of this trip?

And Barbara's like, Kelly.

She's like, what is that?

Because she wears pink lipstick.

It's not good.

But also

my

spirit animal.

I love that she can do that.

That's a talent.

Or you can just look at someone and know they're awful because of their terrible lipstick.

I mean, that's what I'm doing there.

It was very impressive that she picked that out.

And then they showed Barbara's, I'm sorry, Kelly's

preference sheet.

And it was just funny because everything she wanted was pasta.

It was like, what do you want for breakfast?

Pasta.

Lunch, pasta.

What are your preferences?

Pasta.

Snacks, pasta.

You allergic to anything?

I'm allergic to everything but pasta.

It's just like if she had made, if she made it to the cowboy dinner, I guarantee she would would have complained that there was no pasta at it.

Whatever happened to the days of a spaghetti western, am I right?

That's the sort of cowboy I want.

Oh, wait, I found something different, at least one thing different.

They said, what do you like for dessert?

And she says, gaze out of the military.

So that was nice.

Changing up a little bit.

Yeah,

that'd be the cherry on top of the Sunday, really.

So Barbara and Fraser are making a bed and Fraser's like, so I've got a question genuinely.

Did anyone hear when I said I didn't have underwear on?

Because that should have been a more intimidating moment than it was.

But Barbara, I just want to make sure you're okay.

And I want to remind you that Jess treated you like a discarded piece of baloney that someone left on the floor of the supermarket.

A poor person indeed.

Do you feel okay?

She's like, she says she's just depressed because she has to work as nothing to do with the girl.

And he's like, well, but then what did you chat about in the pool then?

What was that about?

Wouldn't that make you cry?

Are you sure you don't want to cry?

Hold on, on, let me get out my phone.

Let me.

Video's rolling.

Video's rolling.

Portrait mode.

Focused on you.

Focused on you.

Well, she said that she thought that there was something between us, but then she went and did whatever she wants to do, whatever she wants to do.

Okay.

Do you want to say that again with a bit more, I don't know, tears in your eyes?

Okay, just think about how excited you were and then how disappointed you were.

Say it again now.

Are you sure there's nothing more you can express that I can put into this little vial.

I'm collecting misery from anyone around me to drink when I'm feeling down.

Please, please, think about how you almost had it all.

Couldn't I almost had it all?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, life worth living.

Oh God.

All right.

I'll just keep the vial over here.

I'll just call it.

I'll suggest Anthony's gained some weight or something, I suppose.

He has so much misery to give.

So Fraser's like...

I just feel shitty for Barbara.

And by shitty, shitty, I mean I'm sort of laughing.

It's kind of funny if you think about it.

I just don't know what Jess's game plan here is.

Why would she go and tell Barbara she's into her if she clearly isn't?

I don't want to get involved, but I don't think it's from Jess or Sol, not one bit.

So you know what I'm going to do?

Get involved.

I just don't want anyone to get hurt without me there to watch.

Do you understand?

And she's like, well, exactly.

I'll speak with Jess.

And he goes, protect yourself.

Protect yourself, honey.

So now

everyone's tired, but still getting their work done.

And Fraser next hits up Selene.

And,

you know, she's like, Oh, the time that I have to, I don't know.

Maybe it will take me this time, maybe it will take me that time.

I don't know.

Well, how should I know how long it will take?

I don't know.

And he's like, 15 minutes, yeah, to finish all of this.

And then you go down.

I'm like, oh, your French accent is very balmer.

He's like, well,

so your English accent is incredible, by the way.

See, tit for tat, bitch.

So then Barbara goes, pulls Jess to have a conversation.

And Anthony's telling Carrie, he's like, let's smash the eschato and go home.

Will you stay and cook hot dogs with me in the galley?

He's like, no, man, I have to drive the boat.

You can make the hot dogs on your own.

But hey, just as a reminder, this time last year,

you're fired.

Fraser, get in here with your vial of tears.

He's shedding some right now.

Oh, I was just thinking that, but thank God this time everything is going good now.

I'm doing so good.

Don, dawn, dawn.

It's about to go to shit, sir.

Let's hope, because that's always when it goes to shit.

So someone's like, finally, I have everything figured out.

So now Barbara goes to talk to Jess.

She pulls Jess aside and Jess is like, am I in trouble?

And she says, you know, like, I'm not the kind of person who wants to hurt people.

I am friends with people because I want to take care of them and be nice to them.

And you came up to me and said you wanted to be with me and then you made out with someone else, which was super fucked up.

And Jess is like, uh, well, yeah.

And she's like, yeah, so I'm upset.

So I'm talking to you.

And she's like, uh, uh,

well,

uh,

I don't know because I did feel something, but maybe I should have shouldn't have acted on it because I was with so-so.

No, you acted on it because So-So flirted with somebody else and you also wanted to have somebody to flirt against her with, which Barbara called you out for in the first place, which you denied.

So this makes it like double as bad that you're pulling this shit.

Yeah, and Barbara's like, well, you know, feel free to kiss anyone.

Just, I don't want to be the one.

Like, it's just, it's fun, but like, it's not my vibe what you're doing.

And Jess is like, I respect that.

And I'm sorry I put you in that position.

And not just you, but both of you guys.

And then she tells us, I've definitely gone in a bit over my head because i want the best of both worlds but you can't really do that so i realize now i've actually hurt this person like you don't want the best of both worlds you want one world and you're gonna use the other world to make the other world jealous that's it

so then um jess apologizes and barbara's like okay i mean whatever it is what it is i'm going back to laundry fucking this fucking job So

Rainbow is trying to help Celine.

She's like, do you need pineapple juice behind the bar?

She goes, Celie?

pineapple juice behind the bar.

I still have three, but if you don't want, do whatever you want, I don't care.

You want me to clean bathroom night?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

It's not one in the morning.

I'm not going to sleep.

So.

Rainbow's like, okay, it's fine.

As long as you're stocked, everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

And she like walks out the room and Fraser's like, you're doing good, Rainbow.

You're doing good.

Feel the rage.

Feel the anger.

Now, I'm just going to put this vial right up to your eyeball.

Don't you worry one bit.

But then Rainbow tells us, she's like, oh, yeah.

Well, you tell me you don't give a fuck about me.

Well, guess what?

Now I don't give a fuck about you.

You want to fuck with me?

You're about to see what you're going to get.

And I was like, wow, you really showed her by offering to get her pineapple juice.

And then walking away cheerfully.

So

the rainbow revenge.

Are you sure you don't want any pineapple juice?

Okay.

Just call me if you need me.

Okay.

You've got my number, right?

Okay.

She really put her in her place.

She really showed her who's the boss.

She was the queen of that island in Holland.

So then Fraser and Carrie do like a walkthrough to make sure everything is clean and

they're doting on things or whatever.

Carrie's like, give us your rinse, do you doubt all that?

Make a noise, wipe that one down, or have an adventure over there, great.

And now it's 10 minutes of guests' arrival, changing into their uniforms, and Fraser's hoping that everyone's going to be fun.

But we all know they'll line up.

Call the entire staff down here.

Get the French police.

There's a handprint on this glass.

It's like,

all right.

Done.

Adventure.

Adventure.

So the guests walk up in their Kardashian wigs.

It feels like they

were like, oh, Kardashians are a thing.

And they sort of like leaned into it in 2017 and just stayed there.

So

they're walking up.

It's like, wow, what a beautiful day in the neighborhood, right?

Oh, my God.

And Kelly, the star of the show, is like, I need some champagne.

Okay.

Can these Democrats fill up my glass already?

What the fuck is going on around here?

And Helen, who's not, Helen, I guess is the lingerie lady, right?

Which one is the podcast red carpet host?

She's the one I really need to know who she is.

I don't know.

But London, she's like, in London, they call it go-go juice.

And one of the guys is like, oh, God, I hope they got ibuprofen because you're going to need it.

Jesus Christ.

There's one who's just in such a bad mood the whole time.

I'm guessing the old semi-retired guy, and he's hilarious.

Well, it's funny because they're all like New York, New Jersey.

They have the thickest accents, but there's like one guy.

It seems like there's like a gay guy from like the South who is

not dude.

And he just berates Kelly the entire time, which is hilarious.

He's sort of like low-key, also the star of the show.

And I feel like he doesn't get enough credit.

So they come up and Helen's like, these are my dear friends.

We're on vacation, but we do all work together in retail lingerie

what a gorgeous crew oh yeah aren't they gorgeous well thank you very much for that welcome to sonny saint martin here's your chief stew stick up the ass himself he's such a stick up the ass he is the stick that goes up the ass it's fraser or he'll show you around

So they he gives the tour and everything.

He takes them all around.

He takes them to the bar.

And he's like, this is Barbara.

She just got dumped by a slutty lady downstairs, and she will be serving you drinks.

And Helen's like, well, Barbara's going to be my new friend.

Okay, this is our main saloon.

This is where I think Kelly will probably pass out multiple times on the charter here.

And it does get very hot, so don't worry about that.

Oh, look, everybody, I got go-go juice.

I got go-go juice.

That's what they call in London.

It's actually not a thing, but as the British person here, I'll say that's not a thing, but I'm contractually obligated to agree with everything you say.

So enjoy your go-go juice.

All right, so this is the sad lesbian salon.

If you ever want to come up here and have some go-go juice while you watch a sad lesbian do sad lesbian things, planning gardens that will never grow, this is where you go.

Everybody understand.

Barbara, do not move.

Do not move.

And Barbara's like, um, I have not a good feeling.

I don't know.

I hate judges people by their look, but they look like Adam family.

There's something dark.

There's something not nice.

The Adams family people are very nice.

So Helen is like, you know, you're going to have a problem with us because we're all from New York and we talk so much.

It's terrible.

So Pris is like, yes, I agree, but I didn't have to articulate that.

So here's your cabins, life vests, and Kelly's like, well, we don't need life vests.

We don't need those.

We're just going to throw each other overboard.

That's Kelly, fucking monster Kelly.

So we all need those.

I don't care about no life vests.

He's like, okay, well, here's your hot tub, otherwise known as 13 stews loads, which have been blown over the past three days at each other.

So it's of prime importance when we're moving that we are not out on our decks, all right?

It's dangerous for you guys.

It's dangerous for us.

The space you're allowed, said lesbian salon.

Do you understand?

So just to repeat, if we are leaving the dock, These decks you're not allowed to walk on.

You can can't go by the hot tub.

You stand in that space there.

Got it.

So when we're leaving the deck, we just really, we're going to go everywhere.

We walk anywhere we want.

That's actually the time when they say, go hide in someplace and talk to anyone you see on a deck.

Got it.

Got it.

So now the anchor is being lifted and Helen's regaling her friends with her fabulous tales of what it's like to be Helen.

She's like, we had a day from hell yesterday.

Every time I go through TSA, I get pulled off the line.

They must think I look like a drug mule or something because every time I'm here, they pull me off the line.

You look like you've got like eight kilos in your lips alone yes you look like a mule you look like the guy from mask trying to bring over like an entire country's worth of drugs what is wrong what what happened to you what happened to you she wants to

she's like why do they why do they make me look like i'm a mob wife i'm like because you look like big angie literally no not big angie what's the other one well yeah i guess she is she is kind of a cross between big and what's the other one's name the main

round hair.

Compact Ange.

But I just love Big Ange, so it's hard for me to compare her.

But yeah,

they are similar looks.

So

now one of the guys is trying to go upstairs and he goes, like, just check what deck that guy is trying to sit on, please.

And Carrie's like, what's going on, Fraser?

We've got guests on deck here.

And he's like, hey, stand by coming up.

I was making more sad lesbian signage.

So, Richard comes up and he just goes right up to Captain Carrey.

He's like,

Yeah, what's going on?

You got a steering wheel?

It's like a fucking car.

It's like a car.

Can I play with it?

Yeah, that's good.

Is this thing a stick shift?

So am I, buddy?

So am I.

Mate, mate, I can't really talk right now to put this focus on this.

Don't want to crash this boat.

Don't want a captain to line it up.

So, yeah, you don't have to.

Oh, that's nice.

It's showing me pictures.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, look at that.

This is my dick.

You got any dick pics?

This is mine.

Gotta focus on the boat.

Look big.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're just gonna just focus on driving.

All right, what kind of, what card am I holding in my hand?

Okay, I can guess the cards you picked.

Okay.

Seven diamonds.

I'm just gonna just don't want to crush the boat here.

You get the king.

You get the king.

You guessed my dick.

All right, it's good.

It's my dick.

It's my dick on a card.

I'm just doing my, oh, I'm going to have a little adventure here.

So you can just go downstairs if you want, if you don't mind, mate.

All right, I got to go downstairs and fucking, Jesus, he's trying to be nice to someone, God.

So Hugo is like, yeah, yeah, guys, when we're moving the boat, you can't be on the decks, okay?

God, you go up there.

So they're already a shit show.

So then

Captain Carrot,

you know, and now these people are just told.

They were just told now

a second ago, don't like, don't be on the deck.

Like when the boat is leaving, you have to stand here.

And they just go want all of them just start go wandering around with like no

you know just no no regard for what the instructions were and this is just people are terrible they do this all the time it's not just these people it's everyone everyone does this all the time in all places so now you've got crew trying to get them off the deck but it's also time to um go through that terrifying bridge.

And so the captain's waiting for things to call, but Hugo's trying to keep the people in line.

And so it's like, I need communication on deck.

I need communication.

I need correct calls.

If they're focusing on the deck,

the crew instead of the deck, oh, the vessel's affected.

I'm getting frustrated.

I saw this really as a Fraser fail because I feel like this is like the moment when the deck crew has to really be focused.

And it should be like Interior who should be wrangling all the guests together.

Yeah, well, someone, geez, someone needs to, apparently.

So Captain Carrie's Carrie's like, oh, come on, focus.

We're a bee's dick away from that bridge.

The bee is like, excuse you.

I am very well endowed.

The bee is like, you got plenty of room, kids.

Plenty of room.

All right.

So don't call me donk bee for nothing, huh?

You see all these bees around you?

Those are my kids.

They don't come from a small dick.

Eh?

i'm like well i'm kind of a 1b kind of man though i'm not gonna lie so they but guess what after all this drama they make it through the they make it through the bridge i mean we all knew it would be fine but i was still was stressed do we because don't we see the boat crashing into the bridge in the preview didn't we see a crash this season or was that in my mind i don't know maybe i just think that um

I was still stressed because on principle, I just was so angry at these people for just wandering around like a bunch of jellyfish on a boat.

Just stupid.

So they make it through and Carrie is really mad.

He's really, really mad.

So he calls up, he calls up, he calls a meeting with Fraser and Hugo.

He's like, I can't have gifts on the dick when I'm going to the bridge.

I'm fucking livid.

All right.

I need every answer to focus.

You see them on the dock, then the deck, get him off.

Not like that, though.

Okay, Fraser, stop looking so excited.

I keep asking for distance to clear, okay?

So I don't know what's going on back there.

All right.

Don't do it again.

I like when Fraser gets into a meeting and told off because he just goes, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

It's like, I'll let you get over whatever this is that you're doing right now.

Just go ahead, get it out of your system.

Inside my head, I have the girl from Impanema playing.

All right, so just do whatever you need to do, right?

The only one who truly terrified him was Captain Sandy because she really got to him.

She's like, You know what?

Evil, the snake rats from the head.

And right now, you're the head of a snake.

A big

not like that at all.

He didn't.

That was one of Sandy's greatest moments, though, because she called it right away.

So she really did.

She called that one right away.

And the rest of Below Deck Production was like, yeah, we don't produce your Below Deck.

You're not in charge here.

So we're going to make Fraser our star for the next 10 years.

Okay.

Thanks for your advice, though, Sandy.

Fraser, at some point, could you please create the sad lesbian salon great

uh

so yeah uh captain curry is saying that when it comes to safety there's no nice guy okay i need my crew to pay attention he's doing this whole thing so then um

he's he's really going on he's really he's really he's he's really steaming mad he's like i'm freaking moment of losing concentration i'm hitting that bridge so that's why i need everyone to be in line okay all right fraser are you listening while you're doing a little samba dance?

I don't understand what's happening with you over there.

Well, I'm just doing that because you said one of the crew members could get hurt or mimed.

So...

Mimed, mind, Fraser.

Mind, not mimed.

You can stop miming now.

It's the same thing.

You're just saying the same thing over and over.

So then we go down to the guests and they're hanging out at the bar and one of them's like, Domingo Domenico is single, just so everyone knows.

He's Italian, he's hardworking, he's handsome, he's my brother-in-law.

We're sleeping in the same bed.

So

what an irk

So then Hugo is telling everyone that Captain's pissed off about all the guests wandering around and then the guy and one of the One of the guests is saying how he needs a back massage and Kelly's.

Oh you.

Oh my god.

Let me cry in a pillow.

Pour me another drink.

Pour me another drink.

This guy's working so hard.

Am I right?

Pour me a drink.

Well, sorry, Kelly.

I don't drive around and drink everywhere.

I actually work.

Oh, yeah, pour me another drink.

My favorite drink is the next drink, whatever it is.

And he goes, yeah, anything with alcohol is your favorite drink.

Yeah.

So Helen is like, she's single, by the way.

Shocker.

What a shocker.

And Damo's like, fantastic.

So am I.

Oh, yeah.

How old are you?

He's like, 32.

She goes, my daughter's 32.

I can't.

I can't.

Come on.

Come on.

So they drop anchor and everything.

And Anthony tells us that he's going to be making something with Mediterranean influence because Instagram wall, he grew up in France, but his.

I'm sorry to interrupt this Instagram wall, but can I have some champagne?

Barbara, Barbara, Bubble, Bubble,

Bumble.

I am talking about how my grandma was Italian.

She's Italian.

Italian.

banana bowl.

So Jess is gonna put it out for her.

And then one of the guests is like, because they're trying to eat now, and Kelly's just shit-faced.

And she's like, I don't want to eat nothing.

I want champagne.

I don't want anything.

All I want to eat is liquor.

So that's all you should give me because I don't want nothing else.

So don't even try to give me this crap.

What is this?

This bunch of crap.

What is it?

What are you trying to poison me with crap?

I want food.

I want liquor in me, not food.

Her hair is like all messed up.

She's one of those drunk people that the moment they start to get drunk, their hair just gets crazy.

And I don't even know how that happens.

Like, how does that happen with certain people?

Like, they could have like perfectly nice hair and then they have one drink and it's like, and it's all off.

She has stuff in it.

There was something shiny.

I don't know if that was like a tassel or if it was food or if it was both, but she's all ready for

the first.

We're like, none of this for spaghetti, man.

I don't want nothing but regular drinks.

This is stupid.

Eating is stupid, and I'm not going to do it.

I don't care.

He talks about it.

And then she starts fiddling with the centerpiece.

It's like, why do drunk people like to fiddle with things also?

They love that.

She starts fighting with the guys because one of the guys is like, Kelly, if you drink less, we can enjoy everything.

She's like, hey, I talk about whatever I want, whatever I want.

And with no explanations, buddy.

All right, I do whatever the fuck I want.

Do you want to want to talk about drinking?

Yeah.

I don't have a banana bow.

I like the banana ball.

I do the banana ball.

That's what I'm going to talk about.

He's like, shut up, Kelly.

You're embarrassing.

So she starts picking it with the center feet and trying to throw it, but she can't figure out how to to pick it up because it's like

it's like got pearl strings or something on it.

Hey, I already picked this stupid thing up.

You don't even make things I can pick up and throw on this boat.

When we're supposed to eat this too, bring me some alcohol.

I hate it.

Call me Jack Daniels.

I hate these people.

Centerpiece, you can't even eat.

Banana bowls, you can't even go.

What's even the point of coming out of yet?

So Rainbow's like, she is so wasted, like shit face.

Like she had to be chugging bottles of champagne in the taxi.

Like she's on the spaceship to the moon.

Rainbow's like, I am going to tell her, no, ma'am, no more.

Would you like another drink?

Okay.

I'm going to speak to Captain.

So Fraser goes up and he's like, Captain, Kelly's asking for more champagne, but she can barely hold her glass and he's like all right we'll keep an eye on her maybe say hey would you like some sparkling water for the next glass i think you'll appreciate it tomorrow if we do he's like copy that copy that that's gonna totally work meanwhile kelly's like i hate this place

some champagne what a horrible place what am i at alibaba's what am i an alibaba where they put the terrorism people it's ridiculous i want champagne i could drink my fists right now In fact, watch me.

Oh, my favorite meeting myself.

You better give me some champagne.

I hate you.

You people are wasting my time.

So, uh, so she leaves the table and she starts stumbling over to the, to the, to go do water toys because also like drunk people, they just can't sit still.

I don't know why.

I feel like if I, when I get drunk, I love sitting still.

At least I think I do.

I guess I shouldn't really talk about that because I only have my perspective from being the drunk person, not the other people who are watching me being drunk who are like, Ben, you get up and you move all over the place.

So, Kelly, um, I'm going on a banana bowl, baby.

Yeah, baby, banana bowl.

So, Fraser tells everyone, all right, everyone, I'm going to have to cut off Kelly.

She's had too much to drink, and she's not funny enough to carry on like this.

They're like, Yeah, well, we're 100% okay with that.

Do whatever you have to do, Fraser.

Here comes Kelly, getting on a banana bowl.

Don't try to mess with me.

I'm getting on a banana ball.

Do you want to put on scuba vests?

No, I don't want no vests.

I don't need no vests.

I lived in Hawaii, okay?

So I've already done all this shit before.

All this shit you got out here.

Ocean, banana, boat.

I already did it because I lived in Hawaii, motherfucker.

So

isn't that the same thing that Dolores said on Below Deck a few seasons ago when Captain Lee kicked that woman off the boat?

Yeah.

And she was like, I live in Hawaii.

I know how to swim.

She was like, like, I'm a boat person.

Because wasn't she the lady who lived on a boat?

She's like, I'm a boat person and

I can swim all I want.

I live on the water.

So you can't get rid of me.

No, Kelly's like, I live in Hawaii and I've done this shit before.

I don't need no fucking safety.

I don't need it.

You know, you know safety.

And my safety is the name of a Jack Daniels drink.

You better give me the fuck away from me.

Hang you.

So then Carrie's like, all right, well, you get a lot to drink.

You've got two options.

Put the jacket on.

Or the other option is, oh, well, she just jumped in the water.

So there we go.

So she gets on the water.

And so they jump in to try.

Some, like, I guess Hugo gets in and follows her.

She's like, you can't catch me.

I lived in the water before.

So you think you can jump in here and catch me?

You got another thing coming, stupid.

I can swim faster.

She's swimming away from him and they're trying to catch her.

She's like, you're too slow, stupid.

We should have something to drink, dummy.

She goes, I love when she goes, I've been swimming since I was five.

Okay, Michelle Phelps.

She's like, I care less about your stupid yacht.

I'm like, well, you should care a little bit more about it because otherwise you're not getting home.

But I did love when she was like, catch me if you can.

I was like, what is wrong with this lady?

Where are you going?

So they finally got her and they bring her back on the deck and she just falls in the frazer and they have to like drag her like it takes three people to drag her inside and he's like all right well you're off the boat and she's like oh yeah you're torturing me you can't touch me you can't touch me this is torture i mean torture

So it's like, so the, so Kara's like, I'm going to call the authorities right now and have you taken off the vessel if you don't listen to me right now.

Go back inside.

Go inside.

You are disgusting.

And she starts throwing a pillow at him

you're disgusting man you torturer one of you sadam husins you better get off of me torturer and it comes to like the people upstairs like you know what the pineapple sorfe is a wonderful palate cleanser

So she's like, I can do whatever I want.

You can't do nothing to me.

And she's like, come on a yacht.

Come on a yacht, they say.

You'll have fun.

Look at this.

It's turned into Ollie Greibsy, the prisoners torture place.

Now I'm being tortured.

So Captain Carrie's like, all right, hey, Helen, your friend's in here.

She's getting very aggressive, and she's not listening.

So Helen's like, Kelly, stop it, babe.

Stop it.

I hate you.

I fucking hate everybody because they're assholes.

They're fucking assholes, especially the thumb over there.

Fucking Democrats, Democrats, Democrats.

And people, if you didn't see this episode, what you really are not getting is at this point, she is staring right into the camera and her eyes are bulging and her hair is like in this crazy, half-wet, half-string thing.

And she looks like she is like, it's like she's in the middle of the zombie apocalypse.

She's like, Democrats, close the doors.

Like, you'd think that like she was like, this is the last gasp of life before civilization goes down.

I was dying.

This is so funny.

And he's like, oh, God, just make a wall and crowd her in.

Try not to touch her the best we can.

But if it's safety related, we're allowed.

And Helen's like, oh, she's just going to relax.

The party of free speech.

Just let her relax on my sofa.

Okay, could you bring her some tea?

Tea will help.

And she's like, I need tree, tree.

What am I going to drink?

I can't drink trees.

What stupid thing is that?

Fucking try and make me drink a tree.

I ain't going to do it, torturers.

So then Captain Carrie's silent suddenly's like, all right, we got to close off off all the exits.

I mean, they're really acting like it is Jurassic Park and they're like cornering a Velociraptor.

Like only one exit point.

All right, we got it cornered.

I fucking hate everybody.

All of you.

I hate you.

Come on, bomb, all the bomb, bombs.

And Helen's like, you can't threaten the captain.

What are you doing?

Say, yeah, I can.

I'll kill you.

What about that?

I'll kill you dead.

And the captain's like, listen, you go to your cabin.

I'm not going to take threats.

There's only one authority on this boat, and it's me.

Back to the cabin.

And Helen's like, she's like threatening him.

She's like, I got connections.

Okay, don't worry about it.

I've always been kind of.

I have FBI in the family.

Now I got FBI in the family.

I'm going to call the FBI right now.

What do you think of that?

What do you think of that?

I want to use my one phone call to call FBI.

Somebody give me their number.

I've tried everything, every avenue to calm her down.

Her friends aren't talking her down.

She's tried to attack me.

She threatened me.

She threw a pillow at me, which was the last stroll.

She also threw a straw at me too, which was the second last straw.

So he's like,

I want you to enjoy yourself, but you're doing it in here.

She's like, hey,

so

he's like, oh my God, she could fall herself and hurt.

She could drown.

And I've got to do what it takes to keep her safe.

She goes, oh, yeah.

Come get me, authority.

Come at me.

What are you going to do?

Call authority.

Bring them.

Call him.

Call him.

Call him.

So he calls, he has this conversation with the dock authority, which is clearly overdubbed by like a product, like a PA on the, on the crew, who's like, she's like, we got someone who's, we need to get her off the boat, she's too drunk.

That bad, huh?

I'm like, no one who works on the dock answers like that.

That bad, huh?

That bad, huh?

We're really in the middle of a mahjong tutorial over here.

Can I wait?

Below Deck, can you please get better voiceovers for your fit calls?

So allowed at that, too.

That bad, huh?

Wow, i guess we'll just have to uproot our entire lunch god

so then you know jennifer uh there's a there's a guest who's like i'm so sorry and you know i'm sure it happen i'm sure you see this a lot he's like we do you know it happens with people but people need to chill out right phrase right we're buddies buddies now right it's like yes yes now you can get out of my face now Yeah, you see it all the time, right?

He's like, not that much.

Nope.

So now the police are waiting ashore for her.

So

he makes Hugo go get them to bring them on the boat.

So Helen's like, listen, we've all gotten like that.

And Frank's like, I never get like that.

Never in my life have I one time ever gotten like that.

She's like, shut up, Frank.

I'm not talking to you.

It's bad enough.

All right, Frank.

So Carrie sends Fraser to the boat because like they want to have someone who's French who can at least speak with the police officers in case they can't speak English.

So Kelly comes upstairs again.

She's like, so what?

I jumped in the water.

So what?

I had a couple of drinks.

This is not so bad.

And Carrie's like, well, I asked you to stay in India for half an hour.

She's like, you know what?

Can I please talk?

She's like trying to do that thing where she's like, I'm composed and I'm a lady.

She's like, can I please talk to him?

Can you talk to me in private, please?

Absolutely.

He's like, after you, he opens the door and she walks in.

He just closes it and traps her in there.

And he's like, we'll be back in 20.

So then he's holding the door closed.

I'm saying, 20 minutes, wait a minute.

I have to talk to you right now.

He locked me in here.

Hey, why have you locked me in here?

Is that supposed to lock me in here?

Let me out of here.

I'm Guatana Milano, Billo Biggles.

So then

he makes Damo come in and hold the door.

I mean, what the hell?

And Frank goes, I didn't want that brought on here in the first place.

Yeah.

And Kelly is just screaming, holy hell, in

that room.

He fucking disgraceful treated me like, Bill, want me out of here?

Damo, and Damo is like holding on to that handle for dear life.

Like, he is grabbing onto it because enough that, like, when he eventually is able to, like, release himself from the door, you see him taking his hand and he's like, he's like flexing it because it's so cramped up.

Oh, God.

So she's screaming and yelling, and he's like, the water police are arriving.

Let's go talk.

So Kelly's like, no, disrespect me.

I'm a happy person.

I'm a good person.

Helen's like, I know you're happy, honey.

And Brian's like, Kelly, stop talking and listen.

Who's on the phone?

The happy eye.

The happy eyes on it.

Listen, Kelly.

If you don't stop being so loud, they're canceling the child.

Get off the boat.

Sleep it off, fucking Kelly.

Brian's

gonna be.

Why don't you tell Herbert Hoover?

Why don't you tell Herbert Hoover yourself to sleep it off?

Because let me tell you what Herbert Hoover likes.

Banana boats.

He likes banana boats.

That's what he just told me.

Hey, Herbie, what do you want to go on a banana boat?

I'm going on a banana boat with the FBI.

Hell, you're getting off the boat.

Okay, whether it's right or wrong, that's what's going to happen.

But if you resist, the French police will arrest you and detain you.

Oh, yeah, I can't.

I mean, French police.

I ain't scared of French police.

What are they going to arrest me with?

Cheese cuffs?

I'm scared of that.

I'll eat them.

To be continued.

To be continued.

Oh, my God.

This woman.

Well, we've seen a lot of people get really wasted and be terrible, but this is, she really was probably the worst that we've ever seen.

This was amazing.

Yeah, it was great.

She had all the stereotypical notes of being a drunk.

I mean, like

the whole, go on a yacht, they said, have fun, they said.

Like, it's like all these, like, it was like, it was just like an AI rendering of like what a drunk person is.

It's like, we've looked at all the drunk people and this is what they all say.

Yeah.

So, so funny.

Go, go.

Go, Kelly.

You go, girl.

So, um, yeah, Kelly's gonna, Kelly's going to rot in French prison.

Yeah, sounds like it.

We'll see what happens next week.

Thanks, everyone, for being here, and we will catch you on the next episode.

Bye, everyone.

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Darn Skippy, it's Tippy.

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She's V V I P, it's Amanda V.

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Don't get salty with Christine Pepper.

Can't have a meal without the Emily Sides.

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It's our queen.

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Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall.

Hail the cork master, the master of the cork, Jennifer Corcoran.

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Knock, knock, knocking on Katie Manock's door.

My favorite Murdoch, Karen McMurdo.

We love him madly.

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Always killing it, it's Lola Al Kalani.

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Rose.

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Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony.

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It's always a good time when you're wasting time with Bravo.

She ain't no shrinking Violet Koutar.

We love you guys.

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It's your man, Nick Cannon, and I'm here to bring you my new podcast, Nick Cannon at Night.

I've heard y'all been needing some advice in the love department.

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Every week, I'm bringing out some of my celebrity friends and the best experts in the business to answer your most intimate relationship questions.

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