#2941 The Valley S2E15 Part Two: Mad Jax Fury Toad

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Hi, everyone.

Welcome back.

This is part two of a two-part recap.

If you're wondering where part part one was, well, go check in the feed and be sure to subscribe.

So that way you always get your episodes.

But enough of that.

Let's get right back into the episode.

So everybody's opening their gifts and they read their notes and they're all

extreme.

They're all like from people.

They're all fortune cookies.

It's like this person doesn't even know you because Jax is dear, Jax, your strength and courage are truly inspiring.

Nobody who's ever even been in a room with Jax would say that.

Literally, like he has no strength.

He has no courage.

He's not inspiring.

He just has

sweat.

He has fluids.

Dear Jax, you have fluids.

Yeah.

Jasmine's is, I hope you find deep peace and joy.

Brittany's is, I hope you start your new beginning and find a true new love one day.

I did with a new doormat on the art.

Jason's is, may these crystals inspire confidence and attract success in every step you take.

Bring Janet's is, may they bring you love, calm, and a touch of magic as you embrace this beautiful new chapter with your baby.

Who was just called a whore

and

threatened to be murdered.

So I'd just like to add that in there.

It's not part of this, but it should have been part of this card.

It would have been nice if you had wished me better aim on ski ball at David Buster.

It's kind of my thing.

Kind of my thing, guys.

Skeeball.

Mia's is.

Take a moment to recharge.

You deserve it.

Thank you.

And I would like to say, protect your peace, everybody.

Protect your peace.

Man Shaj, I hope these crystals empower and remind you of your incredible inner strength.

It's like, Danny, are you groping my crystal?

Hey,

hey,

Chris is missing a comma, Daddy.

Hey, I just got kicked out of my crystal party.

Kristen's is like, sending your strength and hope on your fertility journal.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Like, oh my God, Jerry.

Just said that the word fertility made me triggered why would you write this on my crystal

and zach's like oh my god the answers i seek are within me and all around me love your new balls thank you crystal thank you crystal bungie could learn something from this crystal

thank you for giving me this extra smooth crystal jesse's is did this crystal get crystalx It got crystalx.

Oh my god, Benji, look.

It's not impressed with that either.

Wow.

I miss my ex-boyfriend's crystal.

Jesse's is, may these crystals bring you serenity and ease your worries.

Affirmation with every breath.

I release the anxiety within and become more and more calm about his analytics.

She wrote him a really long one.

And Brock's is like, oh, thanks, hon.

That's the shit.

That's it.

That's it.

Maune says, sorry about your Rubik's Cube.

There you go.

What a giver.

What a give up.

Oh, I was just about to discover it.

I had one more corner to turn.

Corner.

So now it's the party.

Fun times party.

Luke asks if Jax can do a shot because,

you know, because Jax doing shots and whatever.

And then Jen just

hasn't done a shot for an hour, guys.

So Jax is really meeting it out, really metering those drinks out.

The restraint he shows, he is an American hero.

I'll just say.

When you're literally timing your drinks, you're in trouble.

And also, I don't.

So

Jax pulls Brittany for a chat.

He's like, it's not about, it's not about drama.

It's not going to be drama.

Don't worry.

It's not about drama.

I'm like, it will be, but sure.

So he's like, so I had the guys over at the house and I wanted Luke and Jason to see the place and just see all the outlets I had that.

you know, Cruz could stick his finger into.

I think that's fun for a kid, right?

Or stairs to fall down, sharp edges, knives.

I leave a whole bunch of knives on the floor.

I thought it'd be a fun place for him, you know?

And they said, yeah, this would be great.

And they said, why don't we get a universal camera?

So you can see Cruise, you know, a little bit.

She's like, well, well, maybe when we get to that point, that's a great idea, but we're not there yet.

I just, I don't want like the other cameras though and like the other things.

You know what I'm talking about.

And he's like, oh, because she's saying, like, I don't want you breaking into my cameras again.

And he's like, no, no, I don't care what you do.

I don't care what you do.

And she goes, oh, really?

You don't care what I do?

Really?

And then we see a scene of her like, I'm covering these cameras up because I'm standing up to tracks.

He got Brittany.

I got blocked.

He got blocked by Brittany.

All right, all right, all right.

And so he's like, yeah, you know, like, it just hurt.

It hurt.

Cause like, you know, you did this divorce thing while I was in rehab, you know, like you never even gave me a shot.

Your shot was done.

Your shot was so done that you threw a table and bruised her and punched holes in the wall with your child there to the point where you were about to lose your job unless you went to fucking rehab, allegedly.

So it was already done, sir.

You know what's worse than doing the divorce thing while you're in rehab is you doing the cheating thing while you're in a marriage.

How about that?

So, but the domestic piece, of course, is worse.

Brittany is like, well, I went in to interview the divorce lawyer and think about my options.

And she basically is like, I was looking at it and she's like, I have to do it now because if I don't do it now, I'm not going to be able to do it.

And he doesn't deserve like to have a second chance.

The rehab is for him.

It doesn't mean that he like, it's not like some tool to be like, and now you get me back.

It's like, she said, go to rehab and work on yourself.

And you reage texted the entire time, which meant that you were not working on yourself.

You broke the deal.

She would have waited for you.

If you had shown genuine improvement, she probably would have, she probably would have stuck it out and taken you back, but you didn't.

And you mess it up.

And then he tries to be like, no, I only rage texting.

He's like, I only texted.

I only did it for like two weeks.

She's like, because I blocked you for the third week.

Yeah, because this guy, God, he's crazy.

He's so crazy.

He's so hard to watch.

And he's just teetering on the edge.

He's just sitting there clearly fucked up, sweating, you know, drinking.

He's got like a full drink after he just took a shot after calling, you know, spending the rest of the episode attacking someone for being a drug addict or whatever he's going to do.

He's just, you know, he's the worst.

And so she's like, well, and he's like, well, then, like, if you want to divorce me, then why are you sending me like pictures of the flowers and what you're doing in the backyard?

And she's like, I'm doing that because you said I couldn't take care of the house and I'm showing you that I can.

Okay, stop.

Just stop.

Don't do that.

Don't have to prove it.

Stop looking for validation from some fucking loser man, Brittany.

My God.

You don't have to prove anything to him.

He's like, well, it's not about the house.

and by the way the finances so now real jax comes out he tried to do like the like i'm wounded i tried to make myself better why did you take me back and now real jax comes out where he's like and the finances which by the way you're gonna see over time it's gonna be real heavy and you're wondering

your taxes for years you didn't pay your mortgage who are doing the lecture

finances

And she's like, yeah, but guess what?

You are the reason why it became so expensive.

And then she reminds us that he didn't pay for the mortgage.

They incurred all these penalties.

And then on top of that, there was his tax debt debt for everything.

And he's like, you need to realize what I've done, you know?

And he's like, you know what?

Everyone makes mistakes, which if you're going to do the everyone makes mistakes thing, then why are you being so harsh on Danny?

Right.

He's like, honestly, I thought I was literally doing the right thing by going into therapy and

like by getting my own place and giving you guys a house.

She's like, no, that was the dumbest thing you could have done.

See, that's the other thing.

He's like, why didn't you wait till after I was out of rehab to divorce me?

But meanwhile, he was in rehab and he arranged a whole new house and did all this other stuff.

So he's fine with doing things while he's in rehab.

She's just the only one who's not allowed to.

Yeah.

And he's saying, oh, I got my own place.

I gave you guys the house.

You saddled her with your debt, you piece of shit.

And so she's like, no, that was the dumbest thing you ever did.

So they fight about that.

And she's like, you put us, you put me and your son in a really bad position.

He's like, oh, you live in mansions.

You live in mansions.

What are you talking about?

And she's like, well, you know, I had to pay for all that stuff.

Like, we're already in debt and I had to to pay for all that stuff.

And you could have waited until I was ready, you know, because basically, if I remember correctly, she got the Airbnb, right?

Because Jax didn't come back into the house.

Jax wanted to go back to the house.

But then he chose not to go back.

He picked his son and his wife out of the house.

And then he chose not even to go back into the house.

And then he stayed there and didn't pay the mortgage.

So she's been paying the mortgage on that place and this other place.

Well, I guess he ended up paying the mortgage, but.

Well, no, because she said that she saddled with all that debt too.

So I'm not really sure what he's paid because he's claiming that he's caught up and he paid everything, but it doesn't sound like it so he tries to pull this card again he's like he's like i mean i'm not fully over all this like this is a decade in my life i thought you were the girl i was going to spend the rest of my life with you know it's like well and whose fault that is it that it didn't work out okay don't don't make it seem like it was her fault for pulling the like for doing something to protect yourself yeah it's like i went to the facility and i thought like maybe she wants to see you know like where i'm at when i get out she goes yeah but by the entire time and you were in rehab and this is when is the two weeks like you you were rage texting me.

And he's like, That was just for two weeks.

She goes, Yeah, because I blocked you on the third, you idiot.

And he goes, Yeah, I didn't see my son.

I didn't see my son.

You kept my son from me.

Why is why does he think saying, but I only rage texted you for two weeks?

Why is that like somehow a okay thing?

Like, it was only two weeks that I rage.

Like, what one rage text is bad enough, especially when you're in rehab.

It was like content for two weeks.

It's like, hey, it was only, I only, only for half the time that I harass you and belittle you yeah I just I'm so fucking sick of this it's just like watching a psychotic abuser over and over again and it's just too much I can't take it so basically the gist of the conversation is she sticks up for herself he keeps trying to change move the goalposts and change everything to blame her and she's not having it and so finally he's like fine do what you can then we're divorced then fine do what you got to do go go i don't even care and she's like so are you going to sign the papers and he's like uh i'm gonna have a lawyer look at it she goes you still haven't had a lawyer.

And he goes, no.

And she goes, why are you going to?

He says, no, I'm going to wait up till the last day.

She goes, why?

And he's like, because I can't.

Why not?

Why not?

What a dick.

So that's, but I don't know.

That's who you're really dealing with there.

Exactly.

He really shows himself.

And, and I love Brittany's takeaway.

I like, I like her epiphany that she had.

She goes, you know, Jax went from being my very best friend to this person that I loathe.

I mean, like, he makes me so angry.

I mean, his pores are greasy.

His cheeks are greasy.

His forehead's greasy.

His veins popping out of his head, and I just noticed everything.

He's just greasy.

Whenever I was, I was madly in love with this man, I have my blinds on.

Now I just see him like a greasy man child.

I love she just sees him as greasy because that's what we all see.

We just see this shiny person, and I just love that now she just she sees the grease.

And like, that's just such a poetic, wonderful epiphany to have.

The first greasy thing I don't like.

It's like,

I was like, for a while, I was seeing Jack Fahita.

Now I just see calories.

Oh, I mean, I used to be madly in love with him.

I had my bloingers on.

They were my bloingers.

But now it's just a greasy main child.

So now

Zach's like, oh my God, you guys, I just peed next to Aaron and I think we're brothers.

So Janet, Nia's at the bar and she's ordering.

Hi, Virgin Moscow, Muel.

And Janet is like, how are you?

She's like, good, you look beautiful.

Thanks.

So do you, which is, of course, girl code for, I fucking hate your guts.

You two bitch, get out of my fucking face, you cut fitness.

But it's said in their language, which is like, you look like Princess Jasmine today.

You're really pretty.

That's such a mom who hasn't left the house in a long time.

The first thing I thought was that you look like Princess Jasmine.

You're talking to the whitest person on the planet.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Why are you bringing up the princess from Aladdin?

You're talking to the whitest lady on earth wearing like a Marshall's, you know, rayon flower dress.

What are you talking about?

You need to get some more references.

She literally, Janet is like a laboo out of costume.

Janet looks like a slice of monster cheese.

Okay.

Does not look like Princess Jasmine.

Like literally all that, Janet has like a ponytail.

I was like, you look like Princess Jasmine.

So Janet's like, I want to be Zen at this party.

And I feel like I owe Nia some sort of conversation or apology because I I know I've caused her some real pain.

And like, she doesn't deserve the pain that has come with this whole situation of, you know, Daniel causing sexual assaults.

So then Nia's like, well, there's been a lot of hurt and I'm still hurting.

And I do think it's like more of a space and kind of a breather kind of thing, you know?

And Nia's like, yeah, I just, it's not, I don't need space.

I just don't want to talk to her.

I'm over it.

I'm done.

And Janice's like, well, I'm sorry you're hurting.

And again, I just want to apologize that the words I used on the boat were true and harsh.

Okay.

Really sorry about that.

I'm sorry that my words were harsh, just like Daniel's sexual assault.

Okay.

Well, you really are.

Yeah.

Next time I'll go with serial rape and hopefully that's, that's a little bit better for you.

And she's like, it's just a technical term.

Just a technical term.

Sorry.

Sorry, I'm technical.

I saw Judge Judy recently, so I now have a.

I've now I'm a lawyer.

I truly feel like her actions are unforgivable.

She's like, but you know what?

Time heals all.

So if space is what you think we need,

just know that there's always a bowl full of mediocre casserole for you.

Okay.

Somewhere in a tiny place with a low hood.

Okay.

Can't say I didn't try, America.

Can't say I didn't try.

I did my best.

So the party continues.

Jesse asks Kristen to sage the demons out of him.

and it's all fun and then oh my favorite thing was zach be like everyone i just want to say watch out i've already put my my suit into like two tunas and we see we see a flashback from like five minutes earlier where he's gesticulating so wildly he like brings his hand down and he literally puts his arm across two separate tuna tartar canapes

he's like oh my god I have been assaulted by canopes.

I'm furious right in front of Benji.

benji's like wow what a shock you're dirty

so then luke checks in with jesse and uh jesse's still doing his yeah you know man i have my moments i'm just so triggered i'm triggered guys like i've had i'm trying to have growth and i'm trying to be growth not show growth you know what i mean

yeah rogan fan92 taught me that and you know it's uh going to hawaii with my wife my her boyfriend the financial shit i'm going through like what am i supposed to do now i'm single What if I lose it all?

What if I lose it all?

What if I lose lolliestates.com?

I mean, that would just be terrible for all of the people in the Los Angeles area not to have a certified and reliable realtor to help them with all their housing needs.

So, Jesse, just for people who are really falling for this bullshit, Jesse

decided just not to work for a year.

So he went through like a million and a half of their dollars, according to Michelle on the after show, million, over a million dollars, just spent it shopping, going on trips and shit like that, just because he didn't want to work.

And then Michelle left.

And so now he's left with no money because he's not doing anything.

Then he tried to take out a loan that she would be of like $300,000 that she would be liable for.

And she put a stop to that.

And now he's crying like he can't understand where his life went wrong.

It went wrong when you stopped fucking working and spent over a million dollars, you dumbass.

What do you

yeah?

Go to work.

Get a job.

Vicki Gumbelson with some

buy for you.

Get a job.

Sell a house.

Okay.

He's like, I mean, I'm just like so tired.

And the last thing I want to do is come here and like go to a Zen party.

Like, I'm not Zen.

Look at me.

I am not fucking Zen.

It's like, okay.

He's like, what if I lose the house?

What if I lose custody?

I lose my friends and I'm isolated and alone.

That's a shitty.

Okay.

Enough, sir.

Just, you know, relax.

We all know this is fake.

Bravo for your, for your beautiful performance of a man who has a heart, but we all know you're you're a psychopath.

We're very familiar with the season finale gloss over by now.

All of you, this whole cast, actually, especially the men, because it's, well, the men and Janet are really, really laying it on hard this episode.

So Luke is like, okay, well, bring Malibu and Isabella over to our house.

You know, that's what everybody who's down and out really needs.

Come to a little house, smells like dog.

It's covered in

dogs.

You know, that house has like Taco Bell wrappers all over the floor at all times.

So, yeah, come on over.

Uh, you know, we got Jill, who's learned how to beg, thanks to Kristen's dog.

Thanks a lot, honey.

I mean, you know, whatever.

And Jesse's like, oh, I appreciate that.

But, like, I don't usually drive to the valley.

So, for all of Jesse's tears, whatever, like, what about Isabella?

And someone's like, oh, come on over.

We'll, let me help us.

We'll help you out.

We'll, like, we'll do something that might make Isabella happier.

He's like, no, I'm not going to do that because I don't want to drive to the valley.

It just goes to show.

I mean, I joke about that.

Like, oh my God, going to the valley.

But I think if for your kid, you would do it.

Right.

But I know he's being real.

At the same time, he's also being real.

Not really.

He's just being like, oh, my God, guys, what if I'm poor?

They're like, come to the valley.

Not that poor.

Not that poor.

He's like, I already finished my woe is me monologue.

I don't actually have to act on it.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

So he's like, you guys can come to my house.

Okay.

You know, because I'm like, of all the people I think who I want to watch Isabella for an hour, it's you guys.

Right?

Wow, what a difference a year makes.

Huh?

Yeah.

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More party stuff is happening, and Danny is having his seventh water with lemon.

Um, and so Jax is like, oh, God, look at Danny.

Is he drinking?

I'm tired of these bullshit games.

He's playing around here, like, oh, I'm not drinking.

I'm not drinking.

Bullshit.

Own your shit.

Like, Jax,

not the one to prosecute this right now.

And Aaron's like, well, also, you can't even do that.

And you actually had to go to rehab after an abusive episode.

Danny is at least like trying to make the effort to look like he's not drinking.

What are you doing?

You can't even show up after rehab and not have a drink.

I mean, for Christ's sake, you had one Coke Zero this whole season.

You've got a full drink in your hand right now, you fucking Coke head.

What are you talking about?

And also, like, after you've just come out of rehab, don't you have any sort of like perspective?

Like, if you truly believe that Danny has a problem and his sneaking drinks in tonight, don't you feel like after being in rehab, you would approach it with more grace and sympathy and empathy?

Like, hey.

You know, if something's going on, you can always, you can always talk to me about it, not like you're fucking drunk.

This is someone who took zero, not only zero lessons, negative 50 lessons from whatever rehab he was in, which was a fake one.

Yeah.

So he's spinning out and and he's like, That's this fucking guy, this fucking guy.

I mean, look at, look at that, look at that guy fucking probably drunk over there.

And Aaron's like, Oh, I mean, he's the sweetest guy in the world when he's sober.

And he's like, Yeah, yeah, but well, guess what?

So was Jeffrey Dahmer, okay?

And they're like,

No, no, no, no,

he's like, Okay, okay, who's the other one?

Who's the other one?

Who's the other guy?

Who's the other guy?

Uh, Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy, Ted Bundy.

It was Ted Bundy.

And they're like,

No, no.

Brittany's like, Oh my God, is he comparing himself to Jeffrey Dahmer?

Yeah, I don't.

This is just classic Jax that whenever he loses something,

in this case, an argument against Britney and he's angry, he has to destroy someone else, which is like, it's so, it's so bad.

It's like, it's so, it just shows what a shitty person he is, that he's got to ruin someone else.

So he's just worked himself up into a tizzy.

And so then we go over to Jesse talking to Jesus.

It also shows how much of the other, how much that the other cast was carrying his storyline the whole season, if you think about it, because he's been absent this whole season.

So he hasn't been there to like say my bar.

Danny was kicked out of my bar, which he's wanted to do all season.

And he had Janet and Jason there to hold his water the entire time.

Yeah.

So now we talk to Jesse and he's like, yeah, you know what?

I should probably go over and talk to Danny.

I don't see a drink in his hand.

Guy's playing it real cool with no drinks in his hand, trying to pretend like he's not drinking by not holding drinks and not drinking all night.

Oh, so just because you're drinking water and not drinking alcohol, we're supposed to believe you're not, you're only drinking water and no alcohol tonight, real smooth.

I'm like, he's literally not drinking tonight.

Like, what do you, what are you trying to like concoct here?

And he's allowed to drink because he's not an alcoholic.

Even if he is an alcoholic, he hasn't gotten to that point where he's been like, I'm an alcoholic.

I have trouble.

It's not like he's fallen off some wagon.

He's not drinking because he can't have a fucking drink around you people without you going crazy every single episode.

Yeah.

And Jax, I mean, this is so, it's also, it's such sad deflection.

Like it's so sad because it's so obvious.

Like be more artful in your deflection.

Be more artful in like your very basic

psych psychological motives to be like, oh, I see in Danny what I see in myself and I'm angry at myself.

So I'm going to take it out on Danny.

Right.

So he's like, oh man, he's so worried about his look.

Next week, guaranteed he'll be fucked up again.

So he's like, this is all it came came from.

It's all a show.

I mean, since when is Jax high and mighty about how anyone else drinks in this group?

Yeah.

So Jesse's like, yeah, I don't know if Jax is really concerned with Danny's drinking or he

wants himself to look better, basically.

He's like, he has a chip on his shoulder and nobody knows about Dark Side Danny, but I don't get it.

You know,

he's a crab in a bucket.

He's a crab with crabs.

He's a crabby crab.

So Jax goes up to Danny and he's like, hey, what's up, fellas?

What's going on?

Because Brock is there.

And Brock's like, oh, I'm just chatting, but I'm sensing that I might get a Rebix Cube thrown at me right now.

So I'm just going to excuse myself real quickly.

Brock knows exactly what's coming.

He skedaddles right away.

So Jax is like, oh, whoa, whoa.

Hey, Danny, Danny.

Hey.

So look at you, Danny, Danny.

What's going on, Danny?

He's like, I'm doing all right, brother.

Been a crazy summer, shipping off some water over here.

Yeah.

Now you had a couple of get-togethers.

without me that's okay because i've got three under three at home i can spend some time with love to see old dad over there that's fun but yeah i guess you uh did it obviously to get at me so what's that about what's that about yeah why'd you do that he's like listen i'm not saying that you're not a good father and like that wasn't even on the table

Jack just starts off with that.

Like, it wasn't even discussed.

His parenting skills were not even in conversation here.

He's like, you're a great father, but, you know, you are a terrible drunk.

And Danny's like, What hair?

You don't even have a leg to stand on.

He's like, What do you mean, I don't have legs?

I've got two legs right here.

Now, you're going to say, I don't have, I don't have two legs.

Wow, you must really be wasted.

He literally doesn't know what he means.

He's like, What do you, what do you, what, what's that?

What is that?

Two legs?

What?

He's like, Yeah, you don't have a leg to stand on.

He goes, I've never, I've done, well,

whatever that means, I'm not a terrible drunk, okay?

Like, because I have an anger issue, which leads me to drinking, so that's different.

So, okay, well, then you're imbibing your anger right now, sir.

Like your anger is on, you're attacking somebody in public angrily.

So

I'm not a terrible drunk.

I just get very drunk because I'm angry all the time.

And therefore, I'm an angry drunk.

I'm like, that's a terrible drunk.

I'm going to tell you that right now.

Yeah.

And he's like, you're a terrible drunk.

What are you talking about?

He goes, you've been kicked out.

And he's like, well, you go on rages.

He goes, yeah, well, you've been kicked out of my bar for touching girls inappropriately twice, twice, twice, twice.

And he starts doing this like repeating twice for some reason, which isn't true.

It was once.

And so now he's going to say twice because he thinks he's bringing something new to the table by saying twice.

And Danny's like, no, that was once.

And I dealt with that.

And I dealt with it immediately.

And that was a year ago.

And he's like, can I talk?

Because Jax keeps going twice, twice, twice.

I was like, okay, so I can't talk now.

And he goes, you can talk, but I'm still talking.

So I'm not my opinion.

Ladder had my opinion.

Meanwhile, Jax, who's been drinking tonight,

Danny, who is sober and Jax, who is drinking and being a terrible drunk, is now accusing Danny of being a terrible drunk.

Swinging the drink around in his hand at the moment.

Like we see his full vodka soda in his hand at the moment.

He's like, you walk around, you live in this fairy tale world where you think, oh, I got to make sure everybody thinks that we're perfect.

We're protected.

We somehow have two legs while everyone else has one leg.

Well, we walk around that, oh, I'm not drunk.

Oh, wow, you're protected.

And Danny's like, we're protected it's like yeah like we have to make sure we look perfect in front of everybody because we're so scared that like what people are gonna find it's okay hey danny it's okay to not be okay and danny's like

bro like i say that all the time it's okay to not be okay like

you think i don't know that i've got it on my fridge so nia's now standing at a table right by there listening to this whole thing and so he starts aiming at nia because he's not getting the reaction from danny that he wants he wanted a big fight for danny to make an idiot out of himself and danny's just staying calm, like, you're the fucking idiot here.

So Jax is like, oh, Nia, Nia.

So first of all, I mean, I've called you multiple times to come pick him up at a bar, multiple times, multiple times, multiple times.

Did you hear me?

Multiple times.

Consider multiple a leg and times is two, multiple times.

Got two legs.

I'm saying.

We got two legs.

I will not stand for this gaslighting.

And Nia's like, um, but I, I almost hit you with a car when you were stumbling in the middle of the street.

No, I wasn't stumbling.

I was angry.

and the anger caused me to stumble because

you have one leg.

What?

No, I was stumbling because I've got two legs.

Why don't people understand?

He's like, why are you making stuff up?

Like, wait, you just think you're living in some fairy tale world where you're like, she's like, well, Princess Jasmine's over there, but you know, otherwise.

To be fair, yes, I do kind of think that, but that's okay.

And he's like, what is this?

What is this?

Miss fucking America?

What are you going to do?

Throw a table at her jacks?

Are you going to really start a fucking public fight with a woman now?

He's like coming at her, like he's going to go at her physically.

So Kristen comes over and gets him between them.

And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm going to jump in now.

And he's like, yeah, yeah.

What are you in a perfect world, Miss Ten Langs?

How's it feel?

How's it feel?

How's it feel to you, black lady?

Jax is like, oh, Miss America.

Whoa, Miss.

And she goes, wrong pageant.

Okay, all right.

All right, Jax.

Let's say, all right, all right, let's bring it up.

It's like, break it up, break it up, break it up, break it up, break it up.

Okay, okay.

And Jax is like, oh, well, let's make that up.

Let's make it.

Like, we never said that.

It's like, let me, let's make this very clear.

You're not fucking protected by anybody.

Oh, they know.

You're protected.

They know.

He's walking away from the season as a sexual assaulter alcoholic.

I mean, I think he knows at this point, nobody on this cast is about to protect them.

So Danny's like, we never said we were protected.

And Kristen's like, look at me, Jax.

Jacks, look at me.

Look at me, Jax.

And he's like, you're like, guess what?

Yeah, we're perfect.

And guess what, everybody?

We're going to try and be perfect because

we're not better than anybody.

I was like, I literally called you to pick up your husband multiple times.

Multiple times.

Multiple times.

All right.

You know what?

He has a mirror in front of his face.

He's talking about himself.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

What is this?

Another fairy tale?

I can't deal with this.

I've got two legs and we're not in a fairy tale.

What don't people understand?

Danny's like, dude, you're a psychotic man.

You're a very psychotic man.

And he's like, psychotic?

Oh, yeah.

Would a psychotic man have two legs and have anger issues that turn into drinking issues?

I don't think so.

So gross.

So they walk him out.

He's disgusting.

And I love that this was Jax's last scene on the valley.

Bye, you fuck.

Goodbye.

I love that your last scene on the valley, you were greasy, drunk, disgusting, holding a drink in your hand, being a psychopath, right?

Like three episodes after you claimed it was your show, just like the last time you got fired.

Bye, loser.

Have fun in obscurity.

Have fun in whatever bowling alley you end up fucking working at.

Okay.

And I say that as a fan of bowling alleys.

Goodbye.

Club club.

Good.

He's going to work here.

Club club.

So Danny,

Danny's like, wait, now it's time for me to get a little messy.

Cause guess what?

Everyone, he sleeps with his staff.

And he's like, I've heard from numerous sources that Jackson slept with some of his staff, allegedly, and Brittany even knows about it.

I love it.

Wow.

I will put the.

I love this because you know that this is fucking true.

So good for him.

And we're

good for him, but also like...

Yeah, but also, like, is anyone surprised?

Let's be honest.

So, um, they, uh, so Brock is, uh, Brock's talking to Brittany.

He's like, well, how long did it go on for?

How did you do it for so long, Brittany?

And she's like, I don't know.

That's just who he is.

So Danny says that, like, I don't think anybody that owns your beach.

My problem with Brittany is Brittany was always fine with this behavior with Jax when it was aimed at everybody else.

And that's kind of my issue with Brittany long term is this was always fine by Brittany.

She was always making excuses for fucking Jax.

And

it's my same problem with Janet and Jason.

You know, it's like, I'm never going to take anybody, I'm never going going to truly take anybody serious that has supported this in any way.

Yeah.

So

Nia and Danny are talking and Nia's like, Daniel, that was on camera.

He's like, what?

It's right behind you.

There's a camera.

He's like, yeah, I'm over on camera right now.

There's one there.

There's one there.

There's one there.

She's like, I know.

It's like, there's your camera everywhere.

What are you trying to say?

What are you talking about?

She's like, never mind.

Yeah, you know, like what they say about her, like always trying to protect them and not look like idiots on camera is true, you know, but at some point it's like, I'm going to stand up for myself.

Like, sorry.

Like, how long do I have to sit here and just get kicked?

Sorry.

But at some point, someone's going to have to say something, you know?

So Kristen goes to Jax and basically gets him out of here, gets him out of there.

And then Jasmine just keeps having little lines because she's like, Jasmine, let's face it, does nothing.

She does nothing on this show.

It's probably time for her to go.

And Jasmine just, they keep cutting to Jasmine during this episode and she just says things like, wow, there's just not enough crystals in the world to get this group through stuff

glad Jasmine's here glad so they need a check for this one

so they uh start showing split screens of the Zen flowing out of this part like flowing out meaning like disappearing at this party so when she's like there's not enough crystals to hell this group right now so we see Danny and Nia bickering because he's like I had to I

had to babyshit those kids for half an hour there was three kids I had to pay attention to that was hard and then uh then we see Michelle and Jesse now they're fighting out of nowhere I would have liked it if we had some context with this because she's like to this day you've never asked me about my mother it's like because it's not my place to ask is your place because you have a daughter and her grandmother is dying and then we see Sheena being like I'm just like confused because like now I'm hearing that like you and Kristen are like saying that I brought Jenna around to hurt Michelle's act like why would you say that about me

And then we go, now everybody's talking and all the split screens at one time, fighting with each other.

And then we go to sheena and zach again and sheena's like i'm not here to defend myself and now you're throwing my name in the mud and i don't really appreciate throwing my name in the mud eddie sabrian heard of him have you ever heard of a guy from desperate housewives i totally dated him read my book is that now brocks cheated on me spoiler alert can we just clear up one thing my book is now available for download anywhere anywhere you get books or um

nerds candy uh so kristen's like yes what do you want to say sheena do you think that are you saying that i brought jenna around to hurt michelle no okay well you were supposed to say yes, and I was going to respond to that, but you said no.

So I don't really know where to go from here.

No, you and Janet said at El Coyote that I was the one doing that.

And that's the problem.

And Zach's like, um, Jana is not the problem here.

Okay.

Not at all.

Not at all.

Michelle, do you want to get in here?

Who do you think is the problem?

It's, it's Janet.

Johnny is the problem.

It's Janet all along.

Just like, oh, okay,

whatever.

I'm going to grab my glass and I'm going to drink out of it to show that I'm not the problem.

So then Kristen's like, okay, you just took her wine.

Janet just walks away.

So I think Janet, I think Janet is saying, okay.

And Zach is like, oh, yeah, well, I'm really mad.

And he picks up a glass of wine and starts chugging.

And they're like, oh, that was just the wrong wine.

Whoops.

Yeah, Janet didn't drink.

It was Zach.

My mind just took it to a Janet place.

Janet's trying to leave, but Zach has got, he's done that thing where he's got himself so worked up to fight that he's ready to scream and yell, but now there's no one to scream and yell at.

So he just keeps doing it anyway.

And he's like, Janet, Janet, one second, Janet, Janet.

And they're trying to get her back over, but he won't.

So he's just losing his fucking mind.

Yeah, so he's like, Kristen is not bringing Jenna around to do anything.

It is Janet trying to actually propel this narrative and she's destroying people's lives.

She tried to destroy me and my reputation.

And then we see a flashback to Janet saying that Zach had demonic behavior in the beginning of the season.

And she's trying to destroy Dunny and his reputation.

And we see the sexual assault thing.

and he's trying, she's trying to destroy Rubik's Cubes and their reputation.

You see like a flashback, an animation of Sheena throwing a Rubik's Cube at Brock.

Somehow she was involved with that.

I don't know how, but I just know she was.

The point is, Jenna is evils.

Yeah.

So Janet's telling Jason, like, I'm not doing this.

Like, everybody's coming for me and I'm not doing it.

So then Kristen kicks Zach out because he's having a meltdown.

And she's like, this isn't even your fight.

This is a Jenna fight.

So go away.

So

Jenna's like, oh oh my god how is everybody blaming me i'm like the coolest person here casseroles okay

kristen invited jenna to her house warming party zach invited jenna to benji's party okay well then maybe let's not people that jenna has on tv like maybe you all need to start dating outside of this thirsty group where every time you go somewhere there's someone else you okay you guys can't get mad when you're dating somebody that already somebody when you weren't involved.

It's not like you cheated.

Jenna's allowed to fuck people.

Yeah.

So Zach is like, Brittany, like, what the fuck?

If you literally ever have Janet's back again, I am literally over this.

Who?

Janet.

What?

Janet.

What?

Janet.

When?

Janet.

I'm literally over here trying to have a serious conversation with her and she fucking runs away.

Okay.

Like, she doesn't want to actually hear what she's actually doing.

She doesn't even want to hear about my scroll docs.

Okay.

She's so like Jocks.

It's crazy.

Are you under the same spell that you're under with Jocks?

Because they're the same person, Brittany.

Zach is just misfiring all over the place and it's hilarious.

He's just floundering because he has no one to fight with.

So he's just going to fight anyway because Brittany didn't even stick up for Janet.

So he's just yelling at Brittany for no reason.

She's like, what?

Chicken wing, sushi bridge, chicken vajitas.

And he's like, no, she's going to rip off your skin and wear it.

She's like, come on.

Well, that would be actually kind of flattering.

Oh, I know, I know, hold on.

Do you know?

Do you know?

She literally put...

two catapes of tuna tartar under my arm so i would stick them in it that was her janet to dot She's like, Oh, Zach, you stop, Zach.

She really gotta calm down.

So, meanwhile, Michelle is saying, Why don't you just start apologizing, Grisden, to Janet for calling her a whore and that you wanted to beat her up?

And then you Gandalg, because that is not nice.

And she's, oh, is that all I said?

Well, I could have said a lot more than that.

That was pretty nice.

She goes, Okay, then we are not going forward then.

And so, Janet is now like, Oh, really?

And she said, If threatening to beat me up and calling me a whore, she said that was that was really nice of her.

really really why don't you just pull my child up by the head right now and slit his throat you just murdered my baby

and sheena's like janet janet calm down you know what sheena i've had enough oh by the way could i can i just get like one more autograph i just i'm really trying to complete my wall okay sure kristen's like okay okay list i'm sorry we used to be literal best friends and i say things okay because you know me i say colorful shitty fucking things when i'm mad michelle like not yeah excuse i mean i mean if you took that seriously by any means you know it's not true you're obviously not a whore you're just a slut

and so kristen's like and janet goes oh well jax goes and she goes don't compare me to jax don't compare me to jax i mean well just say sorry if you're acting she goes okay you're not a whore she goes okay so do you feel bad for calling me a whore or saying you're gonna beat my ass and calling me a fan and she goes if it upsets you yes and michelle's like no if it upset her yes it upset her and jan's like of course it upset me do you want to be called a whore and say that someone's going to beat your ass do you want that oh for sake

do you want to be told that you like you you said that danny is sexually assaulted i mean whatever so kristen's like it's like but we're different it doesn't bother me i don't mind being called a whore and saying that someone wants to beat my ass i think it's kind of funny jason's like well kristen it would bother you don't even say it would bother you's like no i've been you forget I was on Manipum Bruce.

I've dealt with a lot worse than this.

So, we all know that if there's someone on this cast that Jason will stick up to, it's a woman or a gay man.

So, Jason steps up with his chest out and he's like, Oh, yeah, well, if I called you a whore and said I was going to beat your ass, that would be a whole thing.

That's insane.

And Kristen's like, Okay, well, what you did last summer fucked me, Janet.

And that's why I told you.

And Janet's like, You took my words and you twisted them, which is hilarious because that's all Janet does on this show.

And so, um, we see the whole flashback of how this all started, which was Janet at that table saying, oh, Kristen told Michelle that Janet, that I said Michelle was racist.

Well, you did tell everybody that Michelle was a Republican, so they should be wary of her, Janet.

That's how this all fucking started.

And then you started twisting words around to make everybody else look bad so you would not fight with Michelle.

That's, I'm so

bad.

And it was really Brittany who really started it because Brittany is the one who gossiped about it that got this whole ball rolling in the first place.

Yeah.

And we still haven't confronted Michelle about any of that original stuff that was said.

She's never had to answer for any of that stuff.

So then Kristen's like, well, then why were you licking my ass all summer trying to be my friend?

She goes, licking your ass?

And now she says I'm a whore who licks ass.

She just murdered my baby with a licked ass.

You asked me all summer.

You said, I want to make up.

I want to be friends.

This is how you feel though.

Seriously?

Seriously?

She's like, because I wanted peace with you.

You know, I thought Chris and I were friends and I thought she cared about my well-being, my low-hanging hood, my ball pit that I always have in the, in the living room.

And I learned very quickly two summers ago, she absolutely does not.

So then Jason's like, well, you can't weaponize her trying to make things good with you, Kristen.

And Kristen just smiles.

And Jasmine has decided to try and jump in at the last minute.

So she's like,

Jason, Jason, come over here, Jason.

And he's like, you just relax.

Jasmine.

And she's,

Jason's like, don't weaponize stuff, Kristen.

And Jasmine's like, Jason, let the girls talk.

Just let the girls talk, Jason.

Like, come on, come on.

And because Jason's like all puffed up, like coming after Kristen, which I find amusing because he's probably going to go call Jax right away, make sure that he's okay.

Right.

100% he will.

So Janet's like, part of me wants to say I really regret giving her any effort.

And then the other half of me is like, really happy I did because now I can walk away and I feel like I gave it my all.

So Jason's like, all right, all right, let's go.

Okay, whatever.

Let's just stop.

Just stop, Janet.

And Janet's like, stop it, stop it.

And because Jason's now saying, well, I guess guys can have, have common sense, whatever.

It's just ridiculous.

And Janet's like, it's not worth it, Jason.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Meanwhile, She's over there still trying to have a conversation.

She's trying to make a storyline for herself.

She's like, but I just want to clear up Hawaii.

So then now we're over to Zach.

And now he's crying.

Still trying to make this fight with Britney happen.

He's like, stop letting her win.

She's like, I don't even know what happened.

I haven't told you about my new doormat.

It's like, bye, bye, Janet.

You're leaving.

Bye.

Bye.

You know, you know, I still fuck, like, I'm still like, fuck you.

Like, fuck you, whore.

Fuck you.

I'm so fucking done with him.

I'm done.

Okay.

So Jack's like, oh, oh, bye.

Did you say bye?

I missed it.

Did you say bye?

It's like, oh, yeah, well, I didn't, I didn't say hi, actually.

Actually, I'm sorry.

Jason's like, oh, oh, by the way, Zach, I didn't say hi, actually.

So here comes Jason.

Now this one is really puffed up because now he's like, oh.

It's my annual,

like, didn't, didn't, it was my annual puff my chest up against the gay.

So he can.

Well, Zach did just call his wife a whore, too.

I mean, that's the thing with Zach.

It's like, Zach, we're rooting for you over here.

Could you not call the women a whore?

Like, what the fuck?

Calm down, Cokie.

Yeah, but I still think that, yes, Zach did do that, but Jason really does.

The only one he truly, truly goes after on the show where he gets like that evil smile, that evil look on his face is Zach.

He really does this.

This is the second year in a row he did it.

Yeah, but don't call my wife a whore too.

Like, what the fuck, stupid Zach.

Zach, don't do that.

So Jason comes over, puffed up, and he's like, oh, really?

Oh, really?

You know,

your eyes are going this way and that way, Zach.

They're going this way and they're going that way.

Drunky, drunky.

And Benji, you're a nice guy, but your boyfriend's eyes are going this way and that way.

Like, good love, Jason.

This is why Jason needs to.

This is why he needs to puff up his chest on more people because he really needs to work on his disses.

It's so bad.

He's just so, he's so dockers.

Like, he's so dockers even down to the, he's a docker's disser.

Like, it's so embarrassing and i just love that janet and jason come on this show and all they do is walk around judging people for how much they're drinking you're on a vander pump rules spinoff and by the way your wife just got into a fight two weeks ago at a mexican restaurant in early evening because she was too wasted so

back it up dockers so they they they leave and zach is like crying and brittany's like what is like that why are you doing that just chill he's like sometimes i need support too she's like of course like no you don't understand like sometimes brittany i I need your help.

I got my sleeve and tuna torture.

You don't understand.

I spent my two months' rent on this suit just to ruin it right away.

She's like, well, I understand.

We can take it to track leaning.

She's like, that's all I want.

All I want is support.

So then they're like, calm down, Zach.

He's like, I will hit you.

Zach.

Not helping, Zach.

So then Jasmine's like, yeah, I mean, okay, Brittany.

Well, here's the thing.

He just wants a support that you think that Janet, like you support him and not him like you support her and you don't support him and that's what he that's what he's saying saying i support all you i support all y'all i support everybody i support everybody i support everybody that he's upset that he's upset that's what it is and zach's like you don't care you don't care what that bitch is done you don't care

Yeah, so Zach is just like, I mean, he has wasted too.

He's just like sobbing.

And Brittany's like, this summer has been hard because I can also feel like I'm in the middle of whatever I don't need to be.

I mean, I've said this a million times.

Janet has been a good friend to me until she's not a good friend to me.

I'm not going to act like she's a bad friend to me.

So Zach is like, nobody understands my feelings.

Like, I'm not even

my best friends.

Like, I literally have nobody who cares.

I got Scrotox.

And Benji is like, Zach,

I'm here.

And they hug.

That's really sweet.

He gives good advice.

Call him right now.

Let's call him.

He has a wrinkly ball sack, which I really like.

Does survive.

That's just the way I'm surviving your unnaturally smooth balls.

So now people are still fighting, but then fireworks start.

And Aaron's like, it's all about the journey.

Cool.

So then

they're also active.

Every fireworks are for them.

And the fireworks are just from the Hollywood Bowl over this, over the hill.

They're like, oh my God, what a special night.

They set up the fireworks for us.

It's like, no, those aren't for you.

But it's so this show to be like a good thing about living in the valley.

You can always walk out in the evening and just pretend that there's fireworks for you because they're every fucking night.

You know, it's like, yo, this is for me.

yeah because i think we get the universal ones does universal have them i hear them every night they do a they do a show they do like a few like yeah they they do something like that you know

so um it's kind of winding down now and we find out that jasmine is planning a trip to propose to her girlfriend and jax is telling jesse that he just wants brittany to grow and be happy but he's just not there just take jax off my tv i'm not gonna i don't want to watch him he's like i don't see myself falling in love ever again

yeah and then

there there is some truth so kristen is talking to luke and she's like karma's on my side like my karma this summer was this and she holds up her ring she's like my karma chef's kiss i love my karma and then finally we see zach

drunk

And he's like, where's the napkin?

And it just comes with Jasmine going, here, just use my shirt.

And that's like the end of the episode.

My God.

Which is basically, that is the metaphor of this show, which is it's messy and they're just going to use whatever they can to kind of clean it up the best they can, but it'll never be truly clean.

Yeah.

Well, ain't that humanity.

All right.

Well, we have the next three weeks of reunion festivals on the vow.

Yeah.

Thanks for being here, everyone, and we'll catch you on the next episode.

Bye.

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