#3021 RHOC S19E13 Part 1: Seriously Funny

55m

This is part one of a two-part recap!

A spring fling party on Real Housewives of Orange County goes off the rails when the women tell Tamra they don’t trust her, and Heather must defend her reputation as a VERY FUNNY comedic thespian. You can watch this recap on video, listen to our bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens.  

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Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to Watch Watch Crapins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo we'd love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandelker, and here with me today, as always, is someone who's not just a co-host, someone who's not just a wonderful man, but someone who is a comedic actor.

Ronnie Karam, how are you?

You actually are a comedic actor.

Oh, I've actually gone through the Groundlings.

I had to audition for it.

You actually are.

You are a Groundlings alum and you are a comedic actor.

Well, I don't think I'm a Groundlings alum because I think you have to be in the Groundlings to be a Groundlings.

I just went through.

I didn't get accepted.

Oh, that just counts as being in it?

No, I went through all the classes.

I went through all the levels.

And,

you know, at the end, you do a show and then they all judge you.

They're like, you're too fat for this.

And then I'm like, okay, bye.

But no, they didn't say I was too fat for it, obviously.

But I didn't make it.

So not bitter at all.

Every time I pass there, I spit on them.

I spit on them and all their children.

No, just I want to go take classes at the Groundlings.

I think I said this before when

Heather said she was taking classes at the Groundlings.

It's like, that sort of has like awoken a thing of like, maybe I should take classes at the Groundlings.

I mean, if Heather DeBrow could do it, I've always wanted to take improv classes.

I haven't.

I worry that my time has passed.

But then again, Heather DeBrow, she's throwing herself right in the ring.

So maybe I could be.

This is what I tell myself every day, Ben.

You're never going to be this young again.

This is the youngest you're ever going to be.

Okay.

So do whatever the fuck you want to.

That's what I said.

I could be in that.

You could do it.

It's fun.

I could be in a musical at the Groundlings, couldn't I?

I could be funny.

You are funny.

You don't need some Groundling to tell you you're funny, but they are good classes.

They're really fun classes.

So I would do it.

And listen, you know, I love anything that encourages wig use.

So true.

That is literally so.

So anything that's like, have a wacky voice and here's a wig.

I'm in.

I might go do it again.

I'll go through the whole thing again.

I'll just keep doing it until I'm 100 years old.

I had a great time.

But anyway, we're not here to talk about our dead dreams.

Okay.

We're here to talk about the dying dreams of real housewives.

That's right.

On Monday, everyone, do not forget that we have,

wait, is this week?

Is this Monday?

It's crappy hour.

Yes.

We have crappy hour.

So get yourself excited about that.

And on Patreon, you can join us, patreon.com slash watchwork ends.

Weekly bonus episodes.

This week on our bonus episode, we did something very fun, very, very, very fun, which is that we watched with love, Megan, and we tore it apart.

That was a delight.

So go join us for that.

And then we also have our video component, which you can get on Patreon at patreon.com slash watchworkcrapins.

And then after a week, those videos go onto YouTube.

And you should follow us on YouTube, by the way, because YouTube is fun.

So also

the Potomac is returning this week.

So don't forget to watch it because because that will be back on Monday rotation here at Watch Row Crap Islands, which means Miami is moving up.

So you should be getting a Miami recap even earlier this week.

So check that out.

And thanks for being here.

Thanks for being here, everyone.

Okay, so now let's get into this Orange County episode.

Not so fun Fetty.

I was actually cracking up this episode.

I was cracking up.

Great episode.

They were so ridiculous.

Also,

I mean, Tamara was doing the pure Tamra victim thing.

Emily was, Emily was, Emily and Gina were actually being like entertaining to me for the most part, as much as they can be.

And what I loved, you know, I've really grown to love Miss Debrow.

You know, there was a time when I really hated Heather DeBrow, and I really've always loved Heather DeBrow.

No, there were times, like, you know, many seasons ago, I didn't, there were times I'd be like, oh, she's the worst.

But I've, it's more like I've, I was, I've gone from like amused to like, I'm starting to teeter into love.

And I just, I just love when she gets mad at someone because really, like, really no one tears into someone the way Heather DeBrux does.

I'm not saying she tears into someone better or worse.

I'm just saying her style of it is so Heather de Breaux because when she tears into you, it is terrifying.

There's no one who I actually consider as terrifying.

There are people I'm like, oh, don't mess with them.

Like, don't mess with Kenya.

Don't mess with Portia.

Don't mess with Dorinda.

But there's something about the way Heather does it, the way she curls her lips inwards and she gets her claw hands out and she starts poking poking them she pushes her chin out like she gives herself severe under buttons she's like

you were mean to me

her eyes get really dark you start seeing the smoke in her eyes as they just darken up like coraline's mother i mean it is terrifying and so funny and they've all had it they've all had it with tamara's bullshit and tamara's trying her old tricks over and over and they're just not working anymore and it's so fucking funny i mean how many times this season has she been like i quit I'm not doing this anymore.

It's last time as a film and anything every night.

But this time she does it in a floral dress, so it's new.

And I just love that.

I love that everyone was like, oh, shut up.

Like, they didn't even take the cakes, man.

They didn't even take the cakes.

Oh, maybe I should name this episode that takes the cake.

I think you should name it.

Some bitch left my cake out in the rain.

I was going to call it seriously funny.

So we start off.

Orange County is doing this new thing.

Well, not new thing, but they just do this every once in a while, but they've been doing a lot this season where instead of seeing a previously on, it has to be like narrated to us through some sort of like key key moment.

Although on this show, you, there is literally a key key moment with.

But we still, it's Gretchen.

Gretchen just came from the Megan Kelly salon, and she's sitting down for some, for some lunch with

Jen.

And they are, they're gonna,

they have some small talk about putting a purse on the floor.

Jen was like, I was gonna put my purse on the floor, but Heather told me that's why I'm broke.

Um, so Jen is asking Gretchen how she feels, and we sort of get like interspersed with like that.

To somebody, I mean, can we just pause on that for a moment?

Jen is gonna put her purse on the floor, and Heather says, That's why you're broke.

I mean, what a monster.

That's why you're broke because your purse keeps getting stolen.

Who says that?

That's why you're broke.

You don't appreciate what you have.

You leave it on the floor.

And God senses it and he refuses to send you more purses.

That's why the only thing God sends you is a man in bad spray hair with, you know, clothes that he spray paints.

Yeah, pretty much.

So now that we see like flashbacks to that, to that fight.

And Jen's like, well, I'm so bummed that you're not going to to tamara's party does it bother you she's like what no i'm bothered by how she tries to come in and be an asshole about it

so we see more flashbacks

and uh we one thing that we did not see last week which i thought was so funny this cracked me up the tamara stormed out of that out of the self-defense part like luncheon last week she's like i can't do this anymore but what we find out is that she came and goes oh by the way i forgot to tell you guys i'm having a little party and you're not invited and then she storms out again and goes we're florals

wear your florals

party you're not bad you stupid

okay everybody see everybody else there wear florals

i'm storming you out again don't forget to wear your florals

Well, we're not going to change her.

I think it's time to just be mindful of where we want to give our energy.

Okay.

And we're just going to be mindful.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for having me.

Where's my purse?

Where's my purse?

Okay.

Let's round up all the Alfredos.

Let's ask who took it.

So now Tamara's setting up.

I promised myself for 2025, I would not be blaming Alfredo for stealing anything else.

So now Tamara's setting up her spring fling party and she's like hanging with Syria from like power lines or something like that in her backyard.

And then Eddie shows up with like all the charisma of a wilted wisteria.

Like, I mean, actually, he is a wisteria.

He's just a thing that dangles from a line that sort of gets in your hair.

Like, oh, okay, thanks.

The useless, the useless wisteria.

I thought it was cute, though, because this show was based on desperate housewives.

And so I like it.

And all these years later, they're doing the wisteria lane, you know, wink and a nod.

I think it's nice.

Whoever knew that real housewives would outlast desperate housewives?

Yeah.

Eddie, in case, in case you didn't know he was from Orange County, he comes in with his full-on motorcycle getup.

He's got like American flags all over him.

He's like, hey, honey.

So

she's saying how she needs his help getting ready for the party.

And he's going to wash down some tables and stuff.

And he's asking who's coming.

And she says, you know, who's coming?

And he asks if Shannon's coming.

And she's like, you know, I mean, I'm fine with Shannon.

I wouldn't say great.

And then Tamara tells us that Shannon had texted her about Teddy and offered a treatment program for cancer, which I think this is Shannon's love language.

She loves giving

you with your cancer.

Yeah,

Shannon should like write a line of birthday cards that just say, Happy birthday.

I can help you with your cancer.

I know the best people.

I had coffee in my mouth.

She really does really really good at that.

Remember, that was her thing with Brooks.

She's like,

helps you

with your cancer.

You didn't even have it.

You didn't even have it.

I introduced you to people at Memorial Sloan Kettering.

Whatever it is.

I know people at Cedar Sinai.

But then it's also like...

I don't know if you've been in Cedar Sinai, Megan.

I know people at the Mayo Clinic.

Oh, you know what?

Actually, I'll amend that.

I just know people who have Mayo.

Apologies, a small distinction there.

I wish there was a Mayo Clinic.

After everything I've been prescribed over the years, I have to tell you, Mayo has been the most effective.

Hold on one second.

I'm getting a phone call.

Oh, it looks like they've got a slot for me at the Mayo Clinic.

Yes.

Hello.

This is Shannon Medora.

Yes, I'm calling about.

So my Mayo, I'm not sure if it's still good anymore.

Can I bring it into the clinic?

Okay, great.

I can do it tomorrow.

Hello, Mayo Clinic.

I'm having a problem with my dried tuna.

I was hoping that

you could see us sometime today.

Oh, you're prescribing Mayo.

Okay.

Well, I would still like it to see a doctor.

Thank you.

Hi.

I am

having some trouble with your online portal, and I was wondering if I could just bring my Mayo in.

I'm concerned because I'm wondering if, is there a way to make chicken salad with an alternate, like yogurt?

No, you recommend Mayo?

Okay.

All right.

No, that's.

I don't know exactly what I was hoping for.

Is there a specialist I could speak to about that?

No.

Hello, Mayo Clinic.

It is the end of April, and I'm not really sure what the date is.

Is it Mayo?

No?

Okay.

Wrong number.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, God.

I just broke my tooth on a piece of dried peanut.

Do you know who I should call?

Hi, this is Shannon Pedor again.

I'm just calling to see if Dr.

Wasabi is in.

I have a question.

So I've been trying to find Hellmans on the West Coast, but all I can find is best foods.

Should I be concerned?

Is Hellmans, have they been taken off the market?

Do they have poisoning?

Oh, they're the same.

Oh,

well, thank God there's a clinic for this.

Thank you so much.

Hello.

Mayo clinic.

I am at a sushi restaurant and everything here is overdosing in Mayo.

It is overdosing.

Why do we need this in the California roll?

Why?

Why?

Seriously, though, why does California have to put Mayo in the California roll?

I hate that.

I think that's one thing that Texas does better is not putting Mayo in the California roll.

They just put a chunk of crab.

That's how it should be.

I don't

come on, man.

I don't mind the mayo in it.

I really don't.

In fact, I think I like it.

I was never a mayo person.

And

somewhere along the line over the past 20 years, I became a mayo person.

And I'm okay with it.

I just, I mean, it's sushi.

I just don't want it my sushi, you know?

I just don't want it there.

I think it's all about having the proper proportion.

You don't want it to be like overly Mayo, but I like a little bit of a little lubricant in there, you know.

Mayo.

You have been prescribed and it has been delivered.

So

Tamara's like, yeah, Shana tried to help me with some cancer stuff for today.

So, you know, she forward over some treatment programs.

And I thought, well, maybe that's her olive branch.

So I thanked her.

And so, look, I'm still trying.

I'm still trying so hard.

Remember last week when I suggested that she's probably an alcoholic because dad's an alcoholic?

That was good.

That was a good one.

This is classic Tamara framing herself as the victim to someone who's totally unreasonable and not willing to listen to her, try to be like a kind, good person.

I'm like, you, you,

you terrorized Shannon at her lowest moment of her life.

You ridiculed her.

You screamed at her.

You, you accused her of being an alcoholic.

And while those things may be true, you still did it at the worst time when you're supposed to be her friend.

And then she's like, well, I'm trying.

It's just like, I guess i'll try and try again i've been a good person it's so far

but speaking of tamara reframing things this is so good she goes oh my god

my back hurts and he asks her why and she goes yeah because i jumped over gina it was just a prank it was just a prank no you thought you were gonna get you thought you were gonna get attacked so you literally jumped behind gina and pushed her in front of you

It's not a prank.

No, she's saying that the carjacking is a human shield.

She's saying the carjacking was a prank.

Not that she said that.

She said that I jumped over Gina.

It was a prank.

Oh.

Well, then they're like, now they're like mad.

So I took it as like, that's not a prank.

You were using that woman as a human shield.

Now, do I blame you?

No.

I feel like Ginas were put on this earth to use as a human shield.

Like, you know, we all need a purpose.

Excuse me.

Hi, this is Shannon Bedora calling.

Just wondering, does the Mayo Clinic, can it litigate any conflicts about pranks?

No?

Okay.

What was that?

I'm abusing the line.

Oh,

well, I, well, I, I, you know, I started this line.

Goodbye.

I start lines, Megan.

Um, so Eddie's like, that's fucking stupid.

That wasn't cool.

I'm a soaked amount.

But did I suspect anything else than anything less than this bitch?

Oh, please.

It was fine.

It was a little prank.

So Tamara's like, I mean, this girl cannot stop.

So Gretchen's not allowed at my house.

Because what if she carjacks my house?

She can fuck a duck, but I don't even think a duck would fuck her.

I mean, that prank wasn't cool, but still.

So Tamara's like, she's saying she hadn't heard about the sleepover, but Emily was like, Grepton got drunk and proceeded to tell a story about me that this pop singer, me and Jeff were fucking.

So we screamed and we yelled.

And 12 years later, that's what we're still fighting about.

Me fucking Hansen.

By the way, I just want to point out in terms of not cool pranks,

getting someone drunk and seeing what they're going to do.

That's not a great prank either.

Just want to, as long as we're talking about pranks, too many years of pranks to

relitigate, honestly, on this show.

It's just too much.

So she's like, yeah, there were 12 years of fuck you came out at one time.

And they show fuck you coming out like when she's screaming, gratitude, like 29, 2009, 2010, 2011.

It was so fun.

Someone in the post product department had a nice, nice bit of fun with Apple Motion on that one.

That was really good.

Fuck yeah.

And then I left out the best part.

Yeah.

It was like one of those late night albums back in the day that they would sell and they would just like scroll all the names of the songs that were on there.

There was like 500 songs.

Fuck yeah.

Well, guess what?

His wife, the top singer, Nelson, Nelson's wife, said Jennifer followed him today.

And Eddie's like,

why would she follow him?

I don't know, but I'm going to ask her when she comes to the party tomorrow.

Cause you know what I hate people who dig up shit, like me, digging up shit about someone who digged up shit on me.

I mean, what's the purpose of following him?

Yeah, Brian Fresh is like a 90s boy band.

And Jensen Cheetah.

So maybe she thinks, man, maybe if I follow him, he'll fuck me.

To be fair, have you seen Eddie?

You all are dressed like you're following a 90s boy band.

Maybe like a 1991 boy band.

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So Tamara's saying, and by the way, I don't understand what's going on with Heather.

I'm not very happy with her.

She was into this, you know, the calling me and making, listening to the calls, all that stuff.

So Tamara's, Tamara's been trying to like brew everyone's been trying to brew some sort of conflict between tamara and heather so they're at it again now and now we see you know footage of emily and and heather telling you know gretchen like oh let's we want to hear the we want to hear the song we want to hear the song which by the way i don't think is a terribly offensive thing if someone says tamara sang a song I'd be like, I need to hear it.

Let's hear what Tamara says.

So we can.

If someone came to me and said, I have a song of Ben singing and fucking, you know, Hanson, I'd be like, I want to hear it.

Listen.

I would be upset if you didn't listen.

Yeah, I'd be like, I want to hear it right now.

Okay.

I'll pay you.

Yeah, please.

Of course.

That's what friends do.

It's called support.

Tamara's now just trying to act like, oh my God, this was such a flagrant

example of disloyalty, whatever.

It's like, no.

Yeah.

She's trying it.

She wanted to hear it.

She's trying it.

So she goes, she storms out, but of course, is just like hanging out in the parking lot waiting for for people to come kiss her ass.

And so Heather comes out and Tamara's like,

she goes, listen to me.

I said this is gross.

I don't want to hear about this.

I mean, I just said it blanket all night long because I was talking to Gretchen and Emily, which we could have been talking about anything and my reaction would have been the same.

But still, I stood up for you.

But I don't like what happened afterwards because Heather didn't even call me.

And I'm sorry.

Are you saying, are you okay?

Are you okay that you stormed out of the event because you heard that there was a rumor about me sleeping with a boy bander?

She didn't even call me about that.

How many times did Tamara call Heather?

There was a whole season.

There was that season where...

Remember the stupid thing where Heather was actually the brunt of everything, where Tamara said that Heather said something at BravoCon, said that these, like everyone was dumb or something like that.

And then she was like, I can't believe you would say that.

And Heather had to like, Heather was like crying in Mexico and like was basically on the verge of like leaving.

Did Tamara call Heather after that?

I'd like to know.

Oh my gosh, she really digging back today.

Remember that?

Yeah, I do.

I do.

But, you know, it's just like another, another brick in the Tamara's a hypocrite.

Castle.

Wow.

She's like, yeah, I don't know what happened after because she didn't call me.

Nobody called me.

Nobody likes me.

So why is it her fault, Tamara?

Because Heather just, she doesn't take sides.

And I get it.

Like, she doesn't want to argue, but I've been a friend for 15 years.

You were in my wedding.

Just stick off for me.

She's one time.

Please just take off me.

She's one day.

Literally, you have this entire cast saying, Heather, you are like, why do you keep defending Tamara?

Are you scared of her?

Like, that's the storyline for Heather this season.

She's like, why don't you stand up for me?

Everybody else is like stoning Heather because they're standing up for her.

She's standing up for Tamara all the time.

Oh, sorry.

You know what I've learned?

A friend to everybody is a friend to nobody.

Well, you are mistaken because I was never a friend to anybody on this cast.

Okay, I'm just paying my dues before that Beverly Hills check comes on through.

Come on, Bravo.

How long does a bitch have to live in a high-rising century city before they graduate to another franchise?

So now we go to a place called Arteme Barrow, and Heather comes up and she's like I am wearing jeans

hello table two for relatability thank you

you can't say relatable without table inside of it right I think if you think about it relate table yes it works so

my genes say Miss Dior never mind you can send us to the best table thank you

it's my jeans say miss Dior because I'm about to meet Miss B Dor who had a Miss Demi nor oh my god, I'm freestyling.

All the Drake proximity is rubbing off.

It's like an improv game, if you will.

Yes, and

yes, and you can walk away from me now.

Thank you.

Yes, and please leave.

So Shannon comes and she's like, oh, I just,

I

was looking for my glasses, but they're broken.

Look, half my glasses are hanging off my face.

She might as well just walk in with a slide whistle.

Look at me.

I'm wacky.

I'm going to whatever America.

She's missing a full-on arm on her glasses and still wearing them.

And there's like, oh, poor Shannon, literally.

She can just never show up somewhere looking ready.

I mean, where's her butler?

I mean, come on now.

So they are going to be just.

She should have an Alfredo in front of her just describing what he sees.

We know that if you're truly wealthy, you never have to read anything.

You just get an Alfredo reader.

So Shannon, they're there to do a Japanese art farm art form where

they are going to be breaking pottery, then re sort of epoxying it back together.

And so what they're supposed to do is they're given like mugs, I think, and they don't have a mouth.

They don't actually do this during their offseason.

Isn't this called going to the plastic surgeon?

So

isn't this called the Terry DeBrux special?

This is like Vicki Gunwilson's season 12 or whatever.

People going to break things and put them back together and not seeing the humpty-dumpty irony is.

So they have to.

Also, the irony is Heather DeBrow, who, as they showed again this episode, literally has had one of her somehow iconic moments is her complaining about a lady breaking a bow off of her cake.

And now here she is breaking a mug.

But what's funny is they're just supposed to like take, do one thwack just to like, you know, break something off the mug and then you're glue it back to the Heather's like a boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

It's like,

oh, I thought this is how we're, I thought you said treat the mug like Alfredo.

Speaking of.

He just runs in to start sweeping up.

Like, no, ma'am.

You're supposed to put that cup back together.

Give me another one.

Give me another one.

I've got it this time.

I've got it.

Let's go from the top.

Swipe the scene.

Swipe the scene.

Okay.

Yes.

I have a mug.

I'm supposed to.

He comes in to sweeps it up.

Ma'am, ma'am.

Question, question.

Before we break this mug, we need to set the scene.

Where are we?

I'm taking suggestions now.

Anyone, anyone, where are we?

Birthday party.

Thank you.

Birthday party.

Thank you.

It has been a bad news day.

The bad news was.

Your employee just swept up another mug.

My employee just swept up another mug.

Thank you.

Thank you, mug.

Yes, and, okay, and freeze.

Is this another improv game?

No, I'm just, sometimes I say that to my face.

Okay.

I really like the symbolism of repairing something that's broken.

Sort of like repairing relationships with friends.

Okay, I have a friend in town.

This friend is from, oh, thank you, Alaska.

Thank you.

So now Gina goes to a store and she's returning something, which I think

could be the opening of every Gina scene ever because you know this is like an everyday occurrence.

I already wore this.

It doesn't fit right.

Yeah.

You know what?

I thought this looked pretty, but I put it on and I felt bad.

I felt bad.

I feel bad because I want to support your store, but it turns out I can't afford this.

So I'm just going to say it's broken.

It's like a shirt is broken.

Yeah, it doesn't work.

So Emily is there.

Oh, I still haven't recovered from Heather's sleepover.

God, so much wackiness.

Wait, wait.

Can I tell you something?

You know, like how Gretchen and Tamara were like ripping each other's faces off, but like, I was so excited that this was about like Hansen or what's the name?

Nielsen.

Nielsen.

Because this is your millennial girl's moment.

Look, look, I got

me at the Nelson concert in 2021.

Lois me.

Would you miss the

Nelson trying to return today?

Yeah.

Why and Emily Shusha?

Did you record a song with Gunner Nelson?

So then it goes back to the pottery and she was like, oh, by the way, did you happen to hear the song?

Was it as good as anything that Brett Michaels ever sang with poison?

And Heather's like, I did not hear it, mainly because I was tuning out everything those two idiots were saying, because I was doing a contractually obligated scene with them.

Like, oh,

that's too bad.

But mainly no one played the song.

That's it.

Well, you were saying yesterday you could hear moaning in the background.

Is that what you were saying?

Well, they said that they were recording the song and then it turned into sex, which I totally understand because the other day I was in my kitchen and Drake started singing a song and it turned into sexy time with me and Terry in our very special penthouse where we do sexy times like normal human beings.

Yes, we had sexual times to a song called Hotline Blung.

So then

I don't

understand that.

So then she says, thou, like, apparently they were recording a song and it turned into sex.

Well,

how, how can you be singing and moaning at the same time?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe it would just be like, uh, ah, uh, ah,

so

comedian.

You're too generous, everybody.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Maybe I'll just add singing and moaning to my IMDB.

Thank you.

Well, I have to say I'm grateful that I wasn't involved in any altercation.

That is just insane to me.

Insane that people would fight.

Fight women, fighting women it's just

well you know when i went outside with tamara i was like when you behave that way when you talk that way when you're grabbing her wrists you lose when you do that not now geez

sorry i meant to uh i meant to sweep up that that mug okay okay it's okay alfredo it's got a lot of

today

by the way i want to invite everyone uh if you are trying to break your mug feel free to shatter it on alfredo's head i'll go first okay that was

that was good um ma'am another one of your uh employees came in and is now sweeping up the other employee good good good

you gotta have some alfredo's on reserve

make sure they're bold you wouldn't want to have a chicken alfredo

thank you okay thank you okay that one was good maybe she she is funny.

I have to admit, I thought, hold on, let me,

this is a good, that's a good reminder.

Hello, this is Shannon Bedora calling again for the Mayo Clinic.

Now, is there Mayo in Alfredo Sauce?

No,

that's a relief.

That's a relief.

Although, I, so what should I do with the Mayo I bought for the Alfredo sauce?

Okay, the internet, you say?

Okay, I'll look.

Thank you.

So back to Gina and Emily.

The problem I had was how aggressive Tamra gets.

That's what's scared Heather.

Like, she doesn't like when people get aggressive.

Y'all, she doesn't like conflict.

Because at the slumber party in LA, we did a conflict game, and there were shady questions.

And one of them was like, doodle-la-doot, doodle-la-doot, doodle-la-doot.

Why are you going to do that?

Who do you trust the least?

That's the question, Heather Dubro.

I mean, Tamra.

I mean, would you give Tamra sensitive information?

No.

No.

I'd give her aggressive information no that's not what that means you idiot

too bad ether I'm going back to the future

so I said

I said do I trust her with sensitive information I said fuck no because I'm smart I would never trust her with sensitive information I will only back her up with everything she does and says and be her puppet that's it

So then back to Shannon.

She's like, well, Tamara told me in Temecula that I'm a grudge holder and she's not a grudge holder.

Can you believe she said that?

I've thought about it every moment since.

Well, I think we all are to a certain extent.

Wealthy, that is.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was talking to my real group of friends.

Oh, yes, grudge holders.

Probably not.

Well, traumatic things happen to you.

You don't forget them.

Do you?

Is it normal to just forget them?

Why, why is this?

Why is this cup moving back and forth?

I can't, I can't go.

It's your glasses.

Straighten your glasses, Shannon.

Oh, my God, Dick.

I did have a trauma earlier today when I was reaching for my orange juice from a high shelf and the mayo fell on my glasses and broke them so it all ties together.

Looks like I'm the one who needs to go to a clinic.

Anyway, Heather, I was just saying that, you know, when there is trauma, you know, you don't forget it.

It's like, yes, I know.

It's funny because

when I was younger, my dad used to get mad in restaurants and that was my trauma.

Okay, well, anyway, I just felt like there was a lot of nitmicking on the the trip.

And your name did come up.

But I was trying to advance my drama storyline.

I'm sorry.

I can't see you, so I can't really hear you right now.

I'm sorry, Heather.

So

then we see the flashback to Shannon telling the girl, so Heather is taking

comedy classes.

Oh, whoop.

And Gina's like, oh, I don't see Heather as a comedian.

Yeah, I don't see her doing improv.

Okay, I can see Tara doing doing it, though.

That's a funny guy.

That's a funny guy.

Especially kind of on TV spots.

I love this show.

You guys ever seen that lady with the breadsting plant coming out of her forehead?

So good.

So good.

So, I said, Heather, that you were doing groundlings.

No, that's just what I call the gardeners.

I'm doing UCB.

Totally different.

So you're doing Groundlings.

And they said, why is Heather doing comedy?

She's not a comedian.

Only comedians can do comedy.

And I said, well, she was just invited to Saudi Arabia.

Heather, as most comedians do, gives Shannon the angriest, most evil look.

I love every time someone challenges Heather about being funny, she returns with like the Coraline mom's face.

Yes, there's comedy.

She's out, Heather is dark.

Brows up.

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

I am a comedic actress.

That was not a jerk.

And

Fredo, don't you dare do that again.

I am a comedian.

Stop that.

And I've done stand-up.

Stop it.

I will tell you when to do that.

I've also done stand-up.

You know, it is.

extremely disappointing to me that I constantly have to defend anything I've done in my life or my career.

And then we flash back to Alexis Bellino in 2013 saying, Yeah, I've never seen one movie on Heather's that Heather's been in.

Like, I mean, like, Young and Hungry.

What is that?

A porno?

Do I have to read my IMDb all over again?

Well, they were just saying you're not really joking.

That was a joke.

That was a joke.

Okay.

Alfredo.

Alfredo.

Alfredo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, you know, they were just saying, you're not really a comedian.

And I said, if I look at Heather, I think of more like a

serious actress, you know, like Meryl Streep.

Well, like that lady who, you know, follows behind Meryl Streep and makes sure that her dress is stained.

Oh, a dresser.

Yes.

Like a dresser, I suppose.

How dare you?

Well, you know, I'm just saying it's very, very big sets.

You would be on very big sets.

Huge sets, just not being funny.

I don't know.

Am I offending you, Heather?

There's smoke coming out of your ears.

Yes, you are.

Let me tell you something, America.

I could be the most humorless person in the world, which

sometimes it's hard to imagine theoreticals.

But if I wanted to take a look at the game, I mean, I consider this growth.

honestly

i could be the most humorless person in the world.

And if I want to take stand-up comedy classes, then I will buy each and every audience member and make them laugh.

Okay.

You should be like, that's a great idea.

Support me.

That's what friends do.

And it's really hurtful if you're not supporting me.

Not everybody thinks the same things are funny.

For example, I hit Alfredo's retainer and then offered him popcorn.

Terry and I got a good laugh of that.

Alfredo didn't.

He never found the retainer.

Have you ever noticed the differences between men Alfredos and women Alfredos?

Men Alfredos are all like, hey, how do I enter the servant's entrance?

And the women Alfredos are like, I want to just go shopping, but I can't because I have to do the dishes right now.

Am I right, everyone?

Oh, God.

So they're still trying to put these cups together, and it's hilarious.

And Heather's is just covered in glue.

And so Shanna is asking her,

what are all the holes for in the cup?

I don't really understand this.

And she's like, this is so that you let the people that aren't right in your life leave.

Alfredo put this around your neck.

We make sure that all of our workers have many holes in their cups because it teaches them to do things fast.

If you want to drink your water, drink it before it leaks out of your cup.

That's how you do it.

Now we are going to show you what people who keep using the ta-ta

at the wrong times get.

Hand me one of those cups.

Okay, hand me some glue.

Alfredo, why are you sweeping that up?

Get back over here.

So now we go over to a gen scene and we're a gold rush tattoo because Dawson is going to get a tattoo.

Dun

Yeah.

I don't know why it's

in the military.

I'm getting a tattoo.

It's what we do.

I think you should get your tattoo in the military, but that's okay.

So

he's going to get

teardrops all over my face.

So that when I showed up, everybody.

I would just tattoo a big rainbow flag on my chest and be like, guess who's here, Army?

So

see how they deal.

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So he is going to get four sevens across his chest, which I don't, I don't think anyone understands why he's doing that, including him, but he's decided he's going to do it.

And he's been wanting to do this since forever.

We even see like a video at one point of him, like as a little kid, saying he wants to get sleeves.

So Jen's saying, Dawson's going to get his tattoo regardless of how I feel about it.

And I'm like, everyone's going to do anything they want, regardless of how you feel about it, Jen.

Unfortunately, that's just sort of your lot in life, by the way.

Yeah, she's like, but I'm here.

I'm here to watch him.

And I'm just so thankful he's letting me be here.

So why are you getting that, Dawson?

7777.

He's like, I don't know.

Is it because it's my birthday?

Okay.

Because that's my birthday.

Okay.

That's so sweet, Dawson.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for honoring my birthday.

It's so wonderful.

I'm just so proud to be Dawson's mom, but everyone says, you know, your son's going to come back different.

And she tells, this is actually really sad because she talks about how it's really scary and her son wants to go into recon.

And she's like, I don't want him to come back different because he's perfect the way he is.

And, you know, my heart kind of broke for her with this because it must be absolutely nerve-wracking to what to send your child off to the military, you know?

So

then this is making him nervous, though, because he's really nervous about getting his tattoo.

And so they decide to distract him with something that won't give him anxiety at all.

His mother marrying a guy who's probably going to con her and leave her and cause more trauma for their family.

So Ryan feels like a wedding ceremony is good for the kids and I do too, but how do you feel, Dawson?

How do you feel about a, or Harrison?

You're here too.

How do you feel about a beach wedding with your mom in a bikini?

They're like, he's great.

We love him.

Are you sure?

You really like him?

Yeah, we thought we'd hate him because dad told us to hate him.

But, you know, like, you know, I like him.

I like him.

I mean, I love Acid Wash Jeans, mom.

She's like, oh my God, you guys, we are so bonded right now.

We are so bonded.

Like, he treats you so well, right?

Nerk, he treats us so well, mom.

Oh, my God, we love him.

So now he's going to get his tattoo.

And we see like a flashback of him being a little kid.

And he's sitting on a couch.

He's like, I'm going to get a tattoo one day of my mama and a bus.

I can't wait to get a tattoo like he's been really fixating on getting tattoos like his whole life so yeah you know i mean it's not it's not a huge dream it's kind of a sad dream okay it's a bowling alley dream but it's nice to see somebody achieving it

yeah

so unfortunately for him he hates needles so he's super nervy and he's sweating and like they're calming him and everything and they're doing the sevens and everything's going well just like look at this you're almost done you only have three more sevens and all the shading to do.

And then another tattoo after that.

And you're almost done.

Don't you worry.

And

he starts to feel a little not well.

And then all of a sudden, he like his legs starts to shake and then he starts to pass out.

And they show him.

And it's like, it's terrifying.

He is like his face is like he is fully like knocked out and pale.

He's like green.

But the people at the tattoo place like, oh, yeah, this happens all the time.

No big deal.

What is it?

A little sepsis today, Deborah.

What do we got?

What do we got?

I was like, was this me watching New Rony?

Wow.

So they

put stuff under here now.

It happens all the time.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, hand me the shocker.

What do you mean, the shocker?

Just unplug the iron.

Let's plug his finger into the socket.

Let's get in.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing?

Oh, he's back.

He's back.

He's fine.

I told you he was fine.

It's a very utilitarian tattoo.

It's there's no font.

You know, there's no like sevens that flaming sevens

or like the lucky sevens in the

jackpot right it wasn't that it was just like very it was like helvetica sevens

bold yeah it was

yeah it was um it was a choice and um i'm when he finally decides what the meaning is i'm sure it will be very meaningful for him someday so um he he survives and um as jen says good luck in the marines

so then uh now we go to emily she's sweeping her floor which is a very emily thing she's like oh oh my God, I swear to God, all the dog hair always accumulates right here.

Why don't I get you one of those little roombox vacuum things?

Shane, okay, you can get me a Roomba.

It can't be for my birthday or Christmas, okay?

It can't be a gift.

Can I put a turkey sandwich on the Roomba and have it bring it to me from the kitchen?

Don't forget when you proposed to me, you tried to put a Dyson on my finger.

I won't forget.

so they get pizza and there's no that there's no plain pizza for luke because i guess they're going to try to like encourage him to eat with that like the pepperoni and stuff but he just has rice and um emily is saying basically he's he's on the up and up uh the boys are seeing therapists and essentially luke is diagnosed with a learning disability as well as other things and so um and shane has been diagnosed with being an asshole.

So he has,

so they're basically like, Shane, be nicer to your child.

Uh, because Shane, I think, was trying to do like a sink or swim sort of thing.

He like, I think was, he was trying to not coddle, but he overcompensated.

So now he's being more supportive.

And I guess they're seeing some improvement from Luke.

Yeah, so he had a learning disability and stuff.

And she's saying, you know, she's questioning her own parenting because aren't these things she should have noticed?

Like, where were the red flags did i bring him too late he's highly intelligent in certain areas but he's in the fourth grade and i didn't know he could read that's crazy but she's very up on the podcasters that katie's been talking to so it's you know

it's not even mom shaming i'm just like

i i you know what i think i'm i think i'm read shaming like in general like I don't know.

I used to be forced to read.

I would hate it.

And I wasn't even forced to read the best things in the world because my mom liked reading

like Danielle Steele steele or mary higgins clark you know either kind of romance thrillers or just thriller thrillers murder so i've read like so many murder things i read a lot of dean koontz i was like in the third grade i was like wow carrie carrie's amazing she's my she's i think my first gay icon was carrie because i was first i was forced to read so young so i guess That's where my shot comes in.

I'm like, yeah, get your kids off the Roblox and onto some book blocks.

How about that?

Yeah.

Like, I mean, obviously, like, my, my old cooter kind of like incident would be like, yeah, that.

But I'm like, you know what?

Honestly, I don't know.

I don't know.

Like,

I don't know what it's like to be a mom.

When it comes to the parenting stuff, it's like, well, what the fuck do we know?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Like, I think it's probably.

Well, I wonder if she's overstating it or whatever.

I think, I think it's like,

I think weird things like that can happen.

I mean, Gina was just saying, I mean, I'm never going to go to Gina, but like, she was saying she wasn't aware that one of her kids was having an issue.

Like, I think it's, I think it's hard.

I think it's hard.

And,

you know,

I don't know.

I could only

for weighing in on Emily's parenting is like running dry at this point.

Well, it's not even, it's not even.

I'm really not even criticizing her parenting.

I'm just, I guess I'm questioning how you could get to the point where you don't know your kid doesn't.

Like, doesn't the school tell you?

Like, isn't there someone who's like,

you know, how to read, you know?

I'm actually more, I'm not, I'm actually not,

I don't, i'm not surprised with emily i'm more surprised that the school did not flag it personally the school did not flag that there was yeah i guess i'm just saying like how does that happen because listen it takes it takes a village to teach a child not to read

chills fall through the cracks all the rhyme it's really scary it's really really scary kids fall through the scrap the the cracks i mean you know that's that's

that's just

that's how we wound up with

that's how we wound up with ryan

ryan fell into the crack um

so uh

he dove into the crack uh so um they're talking about you know dealing with the kid and stuff and uh he said that he said that the kid told him a couple weeks ago hey daddy do you know what adhd stands for attention deficit hey a dog

That gets a bigger laugh than anything I do.

Come on.

Now that's a comedian.

Heather's heather's just out there in the bushes like oh crushing cups crushing cups she's taking notes okay wait let me look at the structure of that adhd

attention deficits hey hey there's a dog here's the thing though there's no tea in the adhd so this joke shouldn't even work

So now Tamra's setting up.

She's wearing a flowery dress and she looks kind of crazy dressed like that

because it's Tamara.

you know?

I feel like Tamara should always be dressed in like a skin-tight red leather thing with like devil horns.

Yeah.

I just feel like florals, this is just not the cast for florals.

This is the cast for like cutouts and leopard print, you know, but not florals.

So more big plastic rings holding the fabric together around the breastplate.

You know what?

In the spirit of spring, let's just bring forward in a new beginning, a new beginning for everyone except for Gretchen and Katie.

So I thought it'd be fun to have a spring fling,

fling some mud at each other.

So, we see Lisa, the gluten-free cake artist, show up at the door.

Ah, hey, maybe it's a terribly, but I'm getting so soft.

Like me, it's just making cakes.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna be both this time.

And then we see a flashback of Heather being like,

That woman came into my home, took the bow off of my cake

and

ate it

you have defiled my cake i remember that girl's just like looks like he's hung in behind nothing but the cake so i ate some of it

they built like a whole season off of that so that was one of the funniest seasons of all time that was a classic yeah so then there's uh gretchen there is a cake for for Gretchen, but um, Gretchen will not be attending.

Instead, Gretchen is doing some crazy photo shoot in like a park somewhere with Slade and her daughter, and they're all dressed up.

It's like an Easter photo shoot, and but what I kind of get the feeling with Gretchen and Slade is that they do Easter photo shoots every month of the year.

It's like, well, it's August 13th, time for our Easter photo shoot.

Uh, so she, this one, she's even holding a bunny, you you know, and this poor bunny is just looking like, God, just fucking kill me already.

Like, she's turned me into mittens already.

Get me out of here.

So Shannon calls and she's like, well, I just wanted to check and see if you're okay because what happened was just, or is this another Easter shoot?

Is it even Easter?

Do you remember when you did an Easter shoot for Christmas?

You made that Santa Claus cry.

Remember when you told Santa Claus he would never replace Jesus?

That was so wow.

So I just want you to know, Gretchen, that

if you're wondering, what I recently did find out is that mayo is shelf-stable, but once you open it, you really should refrigerate it.

Let him get the hard way, but thank God there's a hotline for that.

So just calling to pass on the news, pay it forward.

You know what I'm saying?

That's so sweet of you to call me.

Thank you for that.

What are you doing?

Oh, you're on your way to Tamara's, aren't you?

Let's be honest.

I'd rather poke my eyes out with forks and go to Tamara's spring fling party.

I mean, there's so many things I'd rather be doing, like

washing my feet.

I don't know.

Oh, well, Gretchen, Gretchen Rossi, who I have no relationship with, but I'm calling because you hate Tamara, you know, she and I are good now, but you know, if I were you, I would have a conversation with her about that because

it's not okay what she did.

It is, it is, it, it is, it is,

it is not okay.

Okay, are you mad yet?

Do you want to get mad at Tamara again?

I heard Gretchen apologize.

I heard it, but that's the difference because Tamara gets any little bit of information and she just runs off and tries to hurt someone.

Oh, she can't take it.

She can't take it.

I love that Shama's even getting herself so worked up in her diary room.

Well, let me tell you, I'm enjoying this much, much more than where you're headed.

Sorry.

Slate just told the money rabbit that he invented real housewives.

Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap.

For part two, go look for the recap that says part two.

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Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino.

Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry.

We love her on the rocks, it's Melissa Cox.

Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the berg.

This is Livin' with Michelle Vivian.

I love a ya, Olivia Williamson.

Tastier than Flanderson, it's Rachel Manderson.

She sure is swell, it's Raquel.

Yes, we canna, it's Sedana.

Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman.

Let's share with Sharon Eldridge.

Darn Skippy, it's Tippy.

And our super premium sponsors.

She's V V IP, it's Amanda V.

Can't lose when you're with Amy Baldwin.

Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD.

We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva.

Let's get real with with Caitlin O'Neill.

Put us on a stretcher.

It's Charlotte Fletcher.

Don't get salty with Christine Pepper.

Can't have a meal without the Emily Sides.

Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland.

Let's go into the woods with Guy Tubbs.

It's our queen.

It's queen Laifa.

Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall.

Hail the cork master, the master of the cork, Jennifer Corcoran.

We got our wish, it's Jen Plish.

She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch.

My favorite Murdoch, Karen McMurdo.

We love him madly.

It's Kyle Pod Chadley.

In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock.

G, it's Lisa H.

We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder-Baron.

She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthe.

Always killing it, it's Lola Alcalani.

The incredible edible Matthew Sisters.

She eases our woes, it's Melissa St.

Rose.

There's a chance of meatballs, it's Rebecca Cloud.

Meat, it's Ronit Feldman.

Maximum love for Sandy Maximoska.

She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke.

We cannot tell a lie.

It's Sarah Telefson.

Shannon out of a cannon, Anthony.

Please don't stop.

It's Solian Pop.

Let's take off with Tam Laplain.

She ain't no shrinking violet couchar.

We love you guys.

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